Happiful November 2021

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Mindfulness in the mix

NOV 2021 £5.99

BE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO You'll marvel at this new therapy

Ready to stir up your wellness game? We've got all you 'knead' to know

IT'S TIME TO FLOURISH Languishing is so last year

FLEXIBLE MASCULINITY | DECODE DREAMS | APOLOGY CYCLES

Wellness rising Have you ever noticed that, in general, people are not great at following instructions?

We all put our own spin on things; our interpretations are as unique as we are. And it’s something you see so clearly in the technical challenge on The Great British Bake Off – where contestants have the same recipe, but a variety of end results (and emotions in getting there).

You’ll likely have noticed something similar in your own life – the same thing could spark totally different emotions in you versus a friend.

The thought of that disastrous first banana loaf with a very soggy bottom you made might bring flashbacks of the stress and frustration of it all going wrong.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

Yet the loved one you made it for, who was having a hard time and you wanted to cheer up, will recall the kind gesture, and the laughter you shared recounting your personal kitchen nightmare.

In life, there is no perfect recipe.

No list of instructions we can read along to, and that’s what’s so fantastic about it – because we all end up with such different results.

On some days, this can feel tough, like we’re missing a secret ingredient everyone else has been told about, but give yourself time.

Some doughs need longer to prove than others.

In this issue, we’re exploring a vast array of methods that might bring you comfort, solace, and hope.

We’re uncovering that the recipe for wellness isn’t simply ‘one for all’ – we must adjust for our tastes, perspectives, and experiences, until we home-in on something that truly works for us.

On p32 we’re cooking up something special, recognising the mindful potential of baking. Plus on p54 our new expert columnist, Andy Gill, delves into the mindbody connection through yoga.

And on p14 we’re pulling no punches, as we unleash the therapeutic power of superheroes.

As the Japanese writer Haruki Murakami said: “Life’s no piece of cake, mind you, but the recipe’s my own to fool with.”

Happy reading.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Home truths 30 Winter oasis

Discover how to transform your outdoor spaces this season

32 The wellbeing mix

The powerful way baking can support our mental health, and relationships

44 Child’s play

We reveal the wellness lessons we can learn from kids

51 Feng shui your way

Use this ancient practice to create peace and balance in your home

Relationships 17 Go and love yourself

Practical tips for capturing self-love

78 The masculine mould It’s time to tackle toxic traits

86 Help a friend in crisis

Food & health

89 The apology cycle

40 The truth about TikTok

Are you caught up in one?

True stories 37 Danny: Creative channel

Everything changed when Danny found an outlet for his Tourette’s

65 Steff: A new direction

The right treatment made all the difference after a life of struggles

95 Maddie: Against the odds A difficult year ends with milestones and celebrations

32

Don’t get caught out by these misleading viral claims

54 The mind-body connection 56 Winter warmers

Tuck in to these nutritious and delicious seasonal soups

68 Let go of food guilt 70 Drink up

What’s the link between hydration and mental health?

83 With a grain of salt Can salt trigger IBS?

89

Try this at home 24 Messages of support 49 Self-care bingo 92 Breathe easy 98 In case no one’s told you

78

Culture 8 Good news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 43 Winter page-turners 76 Things to do in November

Wellbeing

56

20 Soothing Scents 25 Feeling down?

Spot the signs of winter SAD

28 Hormone home truths 46 Man talk

It’s time to face the truth about male eating disorders

61 What is cyclothymia?

14

Learn about this lesser-known mood disorder

Positive pointers 14 What’s superhero therapy?

Can fictional characters help us with our real life problems?

22 Build resilience

When things pile up, use these tips

58 How to start flourishing

73

Rediscover your joy and drive

73 Dreams decoded

*

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The term self-love is more popular than ever before. It could be suggested that it is also more important than ever, given the societal pressures that exist in today’s world.

We all deserve love, and bringing it back to the self is a love that must exist above all else – although, sometimes, we can feel the opposite and punish ourselves without even knowing that we are doing so! Head over to p17 for some excellent practical tips on how to nurture self-love.

We all need to look after our wellbeing, and the tips provide ways we can do this at no cost – they just require awareness and a dedication to yourself.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue CHARLOTTE TURNER

CLAIRE ELMES

WENDY CAPEWELL

BSc MA AfN

BA (hons) PGDip MANLP MBACP

Charlotte is a nutritionist specialising in gut health and women’s health.

Claire is a therapist and life coach specialising in balance.

Wendy is an integrative counsellor specialising in trauma.

LOUISE BROWN

SEAN MURPHY

SUSAN LEIGH

BA (Hons) MSc PGDip PGCert MBACP

BA (Hons) MA

ACH Qual MNCH MSMS HA reg

Louise is an integrative counsellor, supervisor, and trainer who works online.

Sean is a psychotherapist specialising in anxiety.

Susan is a counsellor and hypnotherapist.

NATALIE TRICE

NICKI WILLIAMS

RACHEL LARKIN

BA (Hons) ACC

BA (Hons) dipION mBANT CNHC

BSc MSc mBANT CNHC

Natalie is a life coach working with women to make changes.

Nicki is a nutritionist, and founder of Happy Hormones For Life.

Rachel is a nutritional therapist and NLP practitioner.

Adv. Dip Couns Dip Hyp MBACP

KIRSTY TAYLOR

UTA BOELLINGER

MICHELLE SEABROOK

BA MSc MBACP

Dip Nut mBANT rCNHC

MA MBACP d(Accred)

Kirsty is a humanistic, person-centred counsellor.

Uta is a nutritional therapist specialising in fertility.

Michelle is a psychotherapist, supervisor, and trainer, specialising in resilience.

GRAEME ORR

RACHEL COFFEY

THALIA JOYNER

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

BA MA NLP Mstr

FdSc Dip MBACP

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

Thailia is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist.

ANDY GILL

LUCY SOMMER

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY

DipCNM mNNA mANP

CPsychol MPsych GradDipEd AFBPS

Andy is a therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga.

Lucy is a registered nutritional therapist helping you to find balance.

Michelle Williams is a counselling psychologist.

The Happiful App One undeniable truth is that finding the right help is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for another. But don’t feel disheartened if you haven’t found your path yet. Our Happiful family community can help you on your way:

Download the free Happiful app today

• Read our entire back catalogue of magazines • Enjoy daily content on a broad range of wellbeing topics • Find support groups and wellness events in your area • Connect with a wellbeing professional to support your needs

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EDITORIAL

CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

Rebecca Thair | Editor

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

p17

CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH Learn more about life coaching and connect with a professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk

p78

MEN’S HEALTH To learn more about men’s health – both mental and physical – and to discover local support, visit uk.movember.com

p95

Disability information and community Find practical advice and emotional support by visiting scope.org.uk

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

Michelle Seabrook, Jane Taylor, Sarah Young, Lucy Sommer, Jenna Farmer, Jason Spendelow, Katie Hoare, Rosie Cappuccino, Susan Leigh, Danny Sumbler, Steff Pitman, Maddie Trueman

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Louise Brown, Sean Murphy, Natalie Trice, Nicki Williams, Kirsty Taylor, Rachel Larkin, Claire Elmes, Uta Boellinger, Charlotte Turner, Thalia Joyner, Wendy Capewell, Michelle Williams

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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Mindfulness in the mix

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Ready to stir up your wellness game? We've got all you 'knead' to know

those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily IT'S TIME TO FLOURISH Languishing is so last year

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The Uplift

KIDS

Angelina Jolie fights for children’s rights with new book Children are the future, and with more and more young people getting involved in protests and politics, it’s vital that they know their rights – and, now, long-time activist Angelina Jolie is lending her voice to help out.

Her new book, Know Your Rights and Claim Them, written in collaboration with Amnesty International and Professor Geraldine Van Bueren QC – one of the original drafters of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child – explores what child rights are, their history, how governments

8 | November 2021 | happiful.com

are failing to uphold them, and how young people can use them to protect themselves.

Covering rights around protests, tips on being trans and nonbinary allies, and the steps to take if you have been groomed or abused, the book also features the stories of world-changing young activists, including the ‘Glasgow Girls’ – a group of young women who campaigned to change the law around immigration raids, preventing their school friend from being

removed – and 13-year-old Emily Waldron, who gives talks about trans rights.

“If governments kept their word, and if all adults respected children’s rights, there would be no need for this book,” says Angelina Jolie. “Children have rights just as adults do, and they should have the power and agency to claim them.

It’s time to remind the world of its commitment to children’s rights.”

‘Know Your Rights and Claim Them’, available now, £7.99.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

CHARITY

Get to the top of the nice list, with this letter from Santa Ho ho ho-ping for a touch of Christmas magic this year? Well, the NSPCC has you covered, as it launches its Letters From Santa campaign. When you buy a letter, your little one gets to hear from the man in red himself, and you get that warm glow that comes from giving a muchneeded donation to the UK’s leading children’s charity.

Choose from one of eight designs (from traditional Christmas scenes to a North Pole safari) and personalise the letter with your child’s name, age, hobbies, what they want

for Christmas, as well as your own customised P.S. message. Once you’ve picked your letter, Santa will get writing and send it to your child, so prepare for some exciting post!

Last year, the NSPCC sent an incredible 170,000 letters, and this year they hope to reach even more children. And when you buy a letter, you’re not only bringing a smile to your child’s face, you’re supporting those who are struggling. The donation to the NSPCC will help keep Childline (their helpline) open 24/7, for any young person who needs to talk, even on Christmas Day. Staffed by trained

professionals, Childline offers a safe space for young people to get support any time they need it.

So make like the elves and get busy. Visit nspcc.org.uk/santa to get your letter, and secure your spot on the nice list.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

MUSIC

Background music could improve the memory of those with Alzheimer’s It’s long been understood that music has the ability to spark memories, soothe emotions, and boost concentration – but, now, a new study from the Cognitive Neurolab, Universitat Oberta de Catalunya, Spain, has set its sights on delving into this phenomenon, and the ways it can support those with Alzheimer’s. The three-year study will explore whether music can enhance learning for those with mild cognitive impairment or mild Alzheimer’s disease. To do this, participants from a hospital

and rehabilitation centre will take part in memory-related tasks while classical music plays in the background.

Marco Calabria, a researcher at the Cognitive Neurolab, explains the decision behind this music genre: “It’s a kind of music that is characterised by being both relaxing and vitalising, and has proven to be the most effective in giving memory a boost. What’s more, the fact that it has no lyrics means there is less of the interference that verbal information can cause with regard to

the content that participants will have to learn in the memory tasks.”

The experiment will then be repeated with music that is familiar to the participants, to determine whether the emotional connection boosts memoryrelated abilities.

Currently, pharmacological treatments have a limited effect on patients, and so it’s hoped that further research into alternative strategies will uncover a new wave of hope for individuals and their families. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | November 2021 | 9

RELATIONSHIPS

Is sober dating becoming the new normal?

For a long time, dating culture and drinking appeared to come handin-hand, as couples typically got to know each other over bottles of wine, and complicated cocktails.

But now, according to new research from dating app Plenty of Fish, sober dating is on the rise.

In a study of 2,000 single Brits under 40, 31% rarely drank alcohol on dates, while 32% always stayed sober.

Additionally, 29% believed that sober dating is better, with 29% preferring to get a sense of who someone is when alcohol isn’t involved.

The study found that many reported feeling that ‘dry dates’ were more meaningful and authentic, allowing them to really get to know the other person. Plus many reported preferring to ‘stay in control’, with 45% of female participants saying this helps them to feel safe.

Commenting on this new trend, Kate MacLean, relationship expert at Plenty of Fish, said: “As people continue their quest for love postlockdown, it’s refreshing to hear they aren’t relying on alcohol to lower the pressure on dates.

“It’s important to be true to yourself when meeting someone new, and singles recognise they can find more meaningful connections without a dose of Dutch courage, which is something we love to see.”

Cheers to that!

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | November 2021 | 11

Take 5

It’s time to put your feet up, shut out the rest of the world, and take a moment for you as you enjoy this month’s brain-teaser puzzle

Codebreaker

Logic is the name of the game here. It’s a crossword with no clues – instead you need to methodically decipher the words by uncovering one letter at a time. Every letter of the alphabet is represented by a number on the grid. Good luck!

7 1

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18

12

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8

23 7

P 14

O 16

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16 6

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How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe rs, and mor e!

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CLUE: We’re in the spirit of autumn

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The

wellbeing wrap Going green Prague, capital of the Czech Republic, has been voted the most beautiful city in the world

PG Tips released a limited edition ‘English Breakwoof’ tea for dogs with 100% of profits going to a dog charity

A German company has made a magnetised concrete road that charges vehicles at 95% efficiency

Colossal, a bioscience and genetics company, has raised £11 million to fund its attempts to resurrect woolly mammoths

With plans to scrap any new fossil fuel vehicles by 2030, England is set to be the first country in the world requiring new homes to have electric vehicle (EV) charging points – plus new offices will need an EV charging point for every five parking spaces.

Fancy a holiday?

What could be more magical than staying in Winnie-the-Pooh’s treehouse in Hundred Acre Wood? The ‘Bearbnb’ is part of a Disney celebration for the much-loved character’s 95th birthday. Pooh sticks, anyone?

Rabbiting on

There’s been a heart-warming response to a seven-year-old boy living every kid’s nightmare: losing your favourite toy. After the inconsolable Ethan lost his Peter Rabbit on holiday in Devon, his grandmother shared their story on Facebook.

Someone suggested sending postcards from Peter while he was ‘away’, and they were overwhelmed by the response, receiving cards detailing the toy’s adventures from across the globe, including attending the Tokyo Olympics!

What’s more annoying than dodgy Wi-Fi? Our other halves, apparently! A poll of 2,000 people revealed that one in three find the person they are in a relationship with to be the “most annoying person they know”, with top irritations including snoring, messiness, and loudness. Fortunately, 41% say they actually love their partner’s quirks, and wouldn’t change a thing.

A field in Scotland is leaving a beautiful message for the world. More than 100,000 sunflowers have been planted at Ardross Farm, which, from above, spell out ‘Hope’, and is open to the public to walk as a maze – with £2,000 already raised from this for local charities.

Hedge your bets

There’s a hidden value in the hedgerows of the UK. Like veins suppling the lifeblood of the countryside, these habitats support wildlife, and offer rural jobs - with research suggesting that increasing hedgerows by 40% could create 25,000 jobs in planting and maintenance.

With love...

A 62-year-old from Cheshire took up a heartwarming hobby while recovering from chemotherapy during lockdown: reuniting old postcards with their owners. Stu Prince amassed a collection of more than 2,000 postcards from online auction sites, and started a Facebook group to help him track down families in order to share the memories of their loved ones.

An Australian man has broken the Guinness World Record for longest plank – at nine hours, 30 minutes, and one second! What makes the feat even more impressive, is that Daniel Scali has complex regional pain syndrome, and he shared an inspirational sentiment: “Anyone can do anything if you put your mind to it.”

Craving some Mozart?

It’s been well-documented that classical music has the ability to calm us, but a new study has revealed a bit of Bach can also give you a sweet tooth.

Research found that people listening to classical music tended to avoid burgers, and instead desired sugary treats. Previous studies suggest sweet foods can be soothing, so the combination of the music and treat could (in moderation) help de-stress.

WHAT IS

?

Y P A R THE Can comic book characters help us conquer our fears and discover the hero within?

Writing | Kat Nicholls

W

hen the first lockdown was announced in 2020, I made a decision: to watch all the Marvel films, in chronological order, from Captain America to Endgame.

Once I got through them, I moved on to the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter films, and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer box set.

I’ve always loved the fantasy/ sci-fi genre and, looking back, it’s not surprising that when confronted with something as unsettling as a global pandemic, I latched on to tales of triumph over adversity.

These stories can be inspiring, but they can also help us tap into something deeper when worked into therapy sessions.

Dubbed ‘superhero therapy’ by some, counsellor Louise Brown explains that this approach involves using popular culture references (not just superheroes) to help clients explore what

14 | November 2021 | happiful.com

they’re going through, and how they might make changes.

“This can include using metaphors based on franchises that the client feels connected to, or asking what a character they admire might do in a similar situation to the one they’re experiencing,” Louise says.

Doing this can take away some of the emphasis from the client, and shift it into a fictional world.

Louise notes that, when we do this, we go through a process of externalisation – which has several benefits.

“Not only can it be easier to talk about the situation and see it from different points of view, but because any action is not really the client’s action, new possibilities are able to emerge.

For example, rather than talking about anxiety, we reference Harry Potter and discuss what their boggart would look like, and how the ‘riddikulus’ spell would work on it.

“Instead of talking about being worried about coming out to family members, and the burden of hiding parts of ourselves, we might discuss why Peter Parker has to wear a mask to be Spider-Man, and the potential difficulties of being ‘outed’ and dealing with the fallout.”

Louise notes that this approach can be helpful for those finding it hard to articulate what’s brought them to therapy. Starting a conversation about an interest can pave the way to discuss characters the client identifies with, or what they admire about them. Working with metaphors can also help people talk about difficult topics in an indirect way that feels more approachable.

Louise adds that neurodivergent people may find it helpful to bring special interests into therapy.

“Offering a space for the client to speak about their interest freely conveys a level of acceptance that can sometimes be lacking in

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other areas of their life. In therapy, not only is it OK to talk about it, but it becomes part of the work.

“Many neurodivergent clients have had negative experiences where they haven’t been accepted, and may even have been told they need to be more like everyone else. This can lead to masking, where they learn to hide who they are and act as if they are neurotypical, but this can have a hugely negative impact on wellbeing. Having a safe space to be themselves, where they can take the mask off, can be the first step towards self-acceptance and better mental health.”

As well as looking at specific characters and their challenges, acknowledging the common threads between their stories can be helpful. Psychotherapist Sean Murphy explains how the origin story is one many can relate to.

“Most heroes carry pain from their past, yet these challenges have not created defects – quite >>>

Your challenges may look different to those in your favourite TV shows and movies, but heroes look different, too happiful.com | November 2021 | 15

the reverse. The resilience a superhero shows in overcoming life’s challenges becomes a fundamental part of their strength and their moral compass.

“This is important when working with clients who have experienced a difficult childhood, and see themselves as deficient or lacking because of it. Many children unconsciously assume they must have done something wrong in order to explain their misfortune. Superhero mythology helps us understand that pain is a universally recognised feeling, but from that early grief can come great strength, meaning, and purpose.”

Sean also highlights the burden of responsibility most superheroes bear (who can forget the great line, “With great strength comes great responsibility” from SpiderMan?) and how this dilemma mirrors one we all face. “The question for all of us is: what do I do with who I am?” Sean says. “What choices do I make, and what does that say about me? What do I take on as my responsibility, and what do I walk away from?”

16 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Acknowledging our choices, and sometimes recognising that we are mere mortals, can lead to breakthrough moments. Sean explains how this played out with a client who was struggling to keep her large family happy.

“My client began to realise that, as an adult, she could not carry on being responsible for her siblings.

It was making her ill. Her path to peace began by letting go of the responsibility she felt she had to uphold forever. Her admission ‘I am not Wonder Woman’ was an important step to realising where her choices and limitations were.”

Accepting our limitations can be important, but so can seeing our inner heroism, and this can be explored through our defining moments. Almost all heroes face great challenges, and when they continue defying the odds, their heroism is defined.

“Though we may not be fighting gods, demons, and ghost armies, all of us face moments when life seems impossibly complicated, and we feel our vulnerability acutely,” Sean explains.

“I worked with a young male client who had just seen Avengers:

Endgame. We had a truly fruitful session exploring how ‘normal’ it was to not have all the answers, to be vulnerable, to feel exhausted in the face of powerful odds. He was struck by how fragile Thor was before he found his mojo (and his hammer). The lesson?

Even divine superheroes have bad days, just like us.

“Ultimately, superhero stories normalise life as challenging,” Sean says. “And what we learn is that tackling difficult problems forges resilience and strength, and makes us who we are.”

Your challenges may look different to those in your favourite TV shows and movies, but heroes look different, too.

Don’t believe me? Look in the mirror, put your hands on your hips, and tell me what you see.

To learn more about Louise Brown and Sean Murphy, or to find the right counsellor for you, visit counselling-directory.org.uk

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relationships

Follow these eight practical tips for embracing and building self-love Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T

he road to self-love is rarely straightforward.

It includes twists, turns, hurdles, and challenges – and, above all, it’s going to take time.

We have a good idea of what it means to love another person – you care about their wellbeing, you root for them and are invested in their achievements, you value them, celebrate the qualities that make them unique, and are there for them through thick and thin. It’s much the same

when it comes to self-love, but instead of spending that energy elsewhere, you shift the focus inwards, to yourself.

When you have self-love, you listen to the things that your body is telling you, you understand and respect your own boundaries, you forgive yourself when you mess up, and you know that – even on the hard days – you’re going to have your own back.

It sounds like a lot to aspire to, particularly if it’s something

that you have struggled with in the past – and, honestly, that’s because it is. Self-love is a daily craft that we can constantly hone, and the relationship that we have with ourselves will fluctuate throughout a lifetime.

Here, with the help of life coach Natalie Trice, we’re taking self-love out of the abstract and into eight practical steps that you can use to nurture and grow the relationship that you have with yourself. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 17

1. P U T COM PA R I S O N B E H I N D YO U “One of the main reasons many people struggle to love and accept themselves is that they are so busy looking at what everyone else is up to,” Natalie says. “Yes, it might look like your family, friends, and colleagues have got their worlds together, but we only see what they want us to see, and there’s a fine line between feelings and facts.

“If you can stop comparing yourself to others, and simply work on your life, career, and relationships, that feeling that you aren’t good enough will ease, and you will begin to love who you are just a little bit more.”

YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE WHAT IS GOOD, OR BAD, FOR YOU

2 . S E T YO U R B O U N D A R I E S

4 . P R OT E C T YO U R T I M E

Boundary-setting is a hugely important step when considering how you want to improve and change elements of your life that are making you unhappy. It could be boundaries with your loved ones, at work, with strangers, or even with yourself. Think about the things that really matter to you, as well as what you need in order to live a healthy and happy life.

How can you put a protective barrier around those things? How can you make sure the people in your life don’t cross lines that make you uncomfortable? Make these boundaries clear to others, and stick to them – in time, you’ll begin to understand just how beneficial they can be.

Tied in with setting boundaries, ensuring that you value and protect your time is an important step, and one that will mean that you’re able to prioritise the things in your life that you need to foster the healthy, balanced attitude required for self-love. If you need 10 minutes before bed to wind down completely, make sure you get it. If your lunch break is time for you to practise self-care, recharge, and reset, let others know it’s non-negotiable that you take it in full.

3 . L I ST E N TO YO U R S E L F “‘Does this dress look OK? Is this job going to be enough for me? Is what he said really true?’ These are questions we often ask other people rather than digging deep, listening to ourselves, and accepting what we know is right,” Natalie explains. “You know better than anyone else what is good, or bad, for you – and when you can start to trust yourself, self-love will settle down and you will rely less on the opinions of others, and take on your own decisions.”

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5 . W O R K O N T H E R E L AT I O N S H I P W I T H YO U R B O DY ‘Self-love’ is often spoken about in connection with body confidence. While body confidence isn’t the main factor in selflove, it is an important one. Reflect on the relationship you have with your body – is it a good, healthy one? Do you have any triggers which lead to a period of bad body image?

As with any other kind of selfimprovement, working on your body image will take some time, but you can do so, firstly, by reflecting on where you are currently, identifying areas that you need to address, and gradually challenging the thought patterns and beliefs that hold you back.

relationships

6 . B E K I N D TO YO U R S E L F “We know we have to be kind to other people – but to love yourself, you need to be kind to yourself, too,” Natalie says. “For one week, be mindful of the way you talk to yourself, the comments you make when someone gives you a compliment, the second-guessing about what someone might be thinking about you – the list goes on. Each time you make an unkind comment to or about yourself, ask what a loving, kinder approach could be?”

7. N O U R I S H YO U R S E L F Eating well can improve our mood, energy, and help us think clearly, and exercise floods our bodies with feel-good endorphins. Mix things up in the kitchen by learning about nutrition (nutritionist-resource.org.uk has free guides and resources), and set achievable movement goals – a 10-minute walk after work, or stretching throughout the day.

This isn’t about achieving aesthetic goals, it’s about looking after the body you’re in.

8. DO MORE OF THE THINGS T H AT B R I N G YO U J OY Take some time to reflect on the things in life that really matter to you, and bring you the most joy. It could be quality time spent with a loved one, working on your hobbies, exploring new places, or a cosy night in!

What steps can you take to make sure you can do these things more often? When we make time for the things that bring us joy, we’re telling ourselves that our happiness matters – because it does.

Natalie Trice is a life coach working with women to make changes. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | November 2021 | 19

Calming Calming scents scents We explore the most notable aromatherapy scents for relaxation, and serve up a special cocktail for calm Writing | Rebecca Thair

E

xtracted from plants, essential oils form the basis of a holistic treatment called aromatherapy – a means of evoking different feelings in the body through our sense of smell. And while a particular scent isn’t going to make your problems magically disappear, it is possible to utilise a range of scents to soothe stress, and help you feel more in control.

The limbic system of our brains, which is connected to our sense of smell, is associated with memories and emotions. And this makes a lot of sense when you think about it; how often does a certain smell evoke a nostalgic feeling, or prompt you to recall a person, a moment, or an emotion?

Aromatherapy enables us to harness this power of scent to support our wellbeing, with benefits ranging from lifting your mood, to easing aches, aiding sleep, and promoting calm.

And when it comes to the latter, particular scents can encourage

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us to be in the moment, and relax – here are eight soothing superstars to help you get started.

Safety first

Whenever you apply essential oils to your skin, ensure you dilute them by mixing with a carrier oil, which helps to avoid any skin irritation. It’s always important to watch for any reactions when you use a new essential oil, in case you have any allergies.

Bergamot Scent: citrus, fruity, sweet Believed to help lower cortisol levels, bergamot’s aroma may be a good addition for stress relief and promoting relaxation.

Camomile Lavender Scent: fresh, floral Probably the most well-known essential oil for those seeking calm, with numerous studies showing its benefits, lavender soothes the nervous system, to help with relaxation and sleep.

Scent: crisp, sweet, fruity The gut-mind connection is well-known, with this oil reported to help with digestive problems, as well as supporting our nervous system to encourage harmony in the body.

wellbeing

Ylang ylang Scent: slightly sweet, spicy, floral Working with the parasympathetic nervous system, ylang ylang helps to lower your blood pressure by reducing your heart rate and breathing. This can be particularly soothing when anxiety strikes and your heart is racing.

Soothe central • 5 drops bergamot • 3 drops patchouli • 2 drops ylang ylang Add this mix to an oil diffuser to slowly release the aroma around your home, or add to a carrier oil in a rollerball container in order to apply to pressure points on your body.

Valerian Scent: musky, woody Known to have sedative properties, valerian oil is used around the world to aid sleep, and is also believed to help with headaches. When mixed with a carrier oil, it can be useful to apply to temples to ease tension headaches.

Marjoram Scent: warm, sweet, woody Marjoram is reported to support the body’s immune system, as well as having calming properties. It’s potentially a good choice for massage as well, as it’s believed to help with relaxing muscles.

The mood-lifting blend of bergamot, balanced with the calming patchouli, offers a relaxing and rejuvenating scent to help when you need a moment of peace to ground you.

Rose

Patchouli

Scent: rich floral, slightly spicy Given the price of a bouquet of roses, it’s probably no surprise that this is one of the more expensive oils to explore.

However, for those who love the scent, it’s believed to have antiinflammatory properties, as well as promoting relaxation. There are even studies to show it may help those with menstrual pain, bloating, and insomnia.

Scent: woody, sweet, spicy Coming from the leaves of the patchouli plant, this oil is believed to help with balancing emotions – prompting the release of serotonin and dopamine (pleasure hormones) and, in turn, countering negative ones.

To find out more about aromatherapy, visit therapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 21

For when things feel as though they’re piling up, and you’re struggling to cope, here are some self-compassion tips to help work on your resiliency Writing | Michelle Seabrook

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o you know of anyone who has not felt their level of resiliency tested to some degree lately? Nope? Me neither – and, in my role as a psychotherapist, I have also seen the devastating effects of weakened resilience.

Resiliency is the ability to ‘bounce back’ from a destabilising event, yet I would describe it as ‘bouncing

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

forward’ rather than a return to how things were before. But maintaining overall wellbeing is a crucial part of resiliency – so, grab yourself a notebook and follow these steps...

1. JOIN THE DOTS All too often, the warning signs are there: the overall feeling of being frazzled; tasks feel harder to complete; concentration levels

are impaired; changes in sleep patterns; increased or lessened eating and drinking; social interactions are affected or avoided; and the usual selfcare activities seemingly have less impact than before. It’s not unusual for us to struggle on through, even when there are a number of warning signs that are being ignored or simply not recognised.

positive pointers

I suggest that you take a moment, each day, to take stock. Ask yourself: what are the physical and psychological symptoms I am experiencing, and how severe – out of 10 – are they? Do this every day, and ask: what is this telling you? Where are the ‘hot spots’ that need immediate attention? Start to join the dots, and you’ll get a real picture of your resiliency level.

2. ASSESS YOUR PRIORITIES Feeling overwhelmed is really common when frazzled.

Everything can feel important and urgent – we can feel pulled in a number of directions, yet are unable to focus on one thing. Stop, take a breath, and take some time to work out your priorities – what actually needs to be completed today?

Have a think about the areas that you are concerned about, compared with the areas that you actually influence — they may be very different! To help explain this, visualise a fried egg. The ‘white’ is the area of concern, the ‘yolk’ is your area of influence. The ‘white’ is much bigger than the yolk, and we can often spend a lot of energy focusing on the ‘white’ – the issues we are concerned about.

But, in reality, you may be able to do very little about these things.

Instead, clarify the ‘yolk’ issues, and prioritise spending energy on these.

Make a note of people that you would place on your personal ‘resilience board of directors’ 3. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS Lowering our expectations can be challenging when we feel frazzled, and we can ‘keep on, keepin’ on’ rather than being selfcompassionate. Adopt the mantra of being ‘good enough’ and use it across the board, for work and for home. Give yourself permission to reduce your expectations of yourself, and others, to a level that feels bearable, but allows you time to re-centre.

4. DIAL-UP THE SELF-CARE Define how you are going to turn the volume up on your self-care, and make a commitment to stick to it. It can be useful to be ‘held accountable’, so share your plans with a friend or colleague, invite them to do the same, and checkin with each other to see that you have achieved what you planned.

No time for self-care? Do you have 10 minutes? Write down a list of the activities you can do in 10 minutes (such as stretching, or enjoying a peaceful, warm drink),

then timetable three of them into your diary and commit to doing them. That’s 30 minutes of selfcare, each day. And on days when even that feels like too much, you can always find just 30 seconds or a minute to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and focus on the moment at hand.

5. CONNECTIONS ARE KEY Examine and evaluate the nourishing and toxic relationships in your life.

Toxic relationships deplete your energy. If you are feeling frazzled, I urge you to protect your energy. Ask yourself, will I come away from seeing this person feeling drained or nourished?

Make a note of people that you would place on your personal ‘resilience board of directors’ – the people that add to your life, who contribute to you feeling uplifted and balanced. Nurture these relationships, and ask for help when you need it.

Michelle Seabrook is a psychotherapist, supervisor and trainer, specialising in supervision and resilience. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 23

Supportive texts to send someone today

Reach out to a loved one with a simple message to let them know they’re not alone. You never know the difference it could make

I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now, but I do know that as hard as it is, you will get through it

I know you have a lot going on, so just know I’m here if you need me

If you fancy a chat, I’m ready whenever you are

This won’t last forever

I know you put on a brave face, but if you ever want to talk let me know

Do you want to go for a walk?

I’m just at the supermarket – is there anything you need?

Thinking of you

Distractions and making someone laugh can be a good option, too. You could: •

You’re a strong, incredible person. I’m proud to call you my friend

• • •

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Send a GIF Remind them of a fun day you spent together Share a video that will make them laugh Recall an inside joke or anecdote

wellbeing

10 symptoms you didn’t know could be signs of winter SAD Do darker months dampen your mood? Spot the signs that you could be experiencing seasonal affective disorder Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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he seasonal affective disorder (SAD) scale can range from a drop in mood to bouts of depression – and with the autumn and winter months drawing in, research from the Weather Channel and YouGov predicts that as many as 29% of adults will experience symptoms of SAD with the changing of the seasons.

A condition that can touch those who don’t necessarily experience poor mental health at other times of the year, for some people SAD can quickly take over their lives, and make it so that they dread certain months. But the good news is there are many treatment options and avenues of support out there, so if you suspect that you might be experiencing SAD, and are struggling to cope, it’s vital that you reach out to your GP or a mental health professional.

The best way to reclaim control, and ensure you get support as soon as possible, is to be aware of

the signs to watch for. Here, we’re exploring some of the lesserknown symptoms of winter SAD, to help you take back control over the coming months.

1. Sleep problems

It can range from oversleeping to trouble falling asleep, or disturbed and restless nights, but the main thing to know is that sleep problems often come with SAD. It’s suspected that SAD is caused by seasonal changes which disrupt our circadian rhythm – the 24-hour body clock that regulates how we function during sleeping and waking hours – which may be what creates this link. So, if you notice changes to your sleeping patterns, or find you struggle more with sleep at certain times of the year, this could be a potential symptom of SAD.

2. Fatigue

Sleep problems may lead to fatigue, or you may experience unusual fatigue while still managing to get a standard night’s sleep. The fatigue could feel physical – your body may feel heavy and you might find yourself wanting to rest throughout the day – or it may be of a more mental fatigue, with lethargy or weariness.

3. Changes to your appetite In the same way that depression can cause a change to your appetite, this is a symptom that can appear with SAD, and it includes both an increase and decrease in appetite. In addition, you may experience anxiety alongside low mood, which can affect your gut health and come with feelings of nausea. >>>

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4. Peaks and troughs

SAD can (to some extent) change with the weather – so, you may see that on days where we catch some winter sunshine, you feel a kind of relief. That said, SAD is more complex than simply: blue skies good, grey skies bad. You may find it helpful to track your mood through journaling, which will also help you to work out if there are coping mechanisms that are particularly effective for you.

5. Pessimism

When your mood drops, it’s easy to see how that can lead to you having a pessimistic outlook, and you may be able to spot this on a number of levels – from the way that you approach daily tasks, to your outlook on life, and the future more broadly.

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29% of adults will experience symptoms of SAD 6. Burnout

Burnout is a separate mental health condition where individuals experience mental exhaustion as a result of high levels of stress. When you’re already living with SAD, you may be more likely to fall into burnout, as the challenges that you may have easily coped with before become much more burdensome.

7. Trouble concentrating

Are you finding it difficult to get stuck into your daily tasks, or have you noticed that your to-do list is feeling a lot more intimidating lately? Be it mental fatigue, low mood, or – most likely – a combination of the two, our concentration levels can really take a hit when we’re struggling with our mental health. Brain fog can take over, and making decisions or completing tasks we can usually manage, feel much more exhausting and time consuming.

Some of the key treatments for SAD include:

It’s suspected that SAD is caused by seasonal changes which disrupt our circadian rhythm 8. Lack of interest in sex

You may notice a dip in your sex drive, or find reaching orgasm more challenging.

This could be tied up with the symptoms of fatigue and low mood, but it’s also worth noting that some of the medication that is used to treat SAD can impact your sex drive. It’s therefore important to have open and honest discussions with your doctor about your treatment plans, so you know what to expect and to discuss any concerns.

9. Irritability

When you’re going through a difficult time, small things that would usually pass you by may feel much bigger. You might notice you’re more snappy with those around you, or that your temper has become shorter. A strong support system is really important at times like these, so if you find that SAD is impacting your relationships, it’s worth sitting down to have frank conversations with your loved ones about how you can work through this together.

10. Routines and schedules are harder to stick to

Trouble concentrating, sleep problems, and a sense of apathy, can all make sticking to the routines you had set up in your life a lot more difficult. That said, many people do find comfort in routines, especially if they include scheduled time for self-care. So, it may be that you need to adapt what is no longer working for you, into something that will support you now.

The key thing to remember is that when we’re able to watch out for the signs of SAD, we can better support ourselves by reaching out for help, considering what might be useful coping mechanisms for us, and putting in place healthy habits and a self-care action plan to ensure we have the best resources possible as we navigate this.

If you are struggling with SAD, reach out to a counsellor for support by using counselling-directory.org.uk

- Light: Try to counter the effects of SAD by ensuring you get some daylight and vitamin D. This can be trickier in the winter months when the days are shorter, but this is a good reason to set firm boundaries when it comes to taking your lunch break – perhaps go for a walk, sit outside, or try to be near windows. Alternatively, you could try light boxes which can simulate sunlight, or a sunrise alarm clock to help set your circadian rhythm by waking gently to the light.

- Exercise: This is particularly beneficial if it can be done outside, releasing endorphins to help promote your mood.

You could start your day with a short walk – wrap up warm and take a hot drink with you – yoga in the fresh air, or perhaps if you’re feeling brave, join an outdoor bootcamp class!

- Cognitive behavioural therapy: CBT is all about the connection between how we think and feel. A professional can help you to challenge negative thought patterns, in order to change your perception and feelings about a situation. With SAD, your mindset might be that you hate winter, and so through CBT you work to adjust this viewpoint, and your feelings towards the season, developing proactive coping skills.

Ask the experts: Hormones Nutritionist Nicki Williams answers your questions on hormones Read more about Nicki Williams on nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Q

Can you explain the role that hormones play in our health?

A

From conception to birth and beyond, hormones are the driving force behind every biological and physiological process in the body. Hormones are chemical messengers that

Q

I haven’t been feeling myself lately and a friend thinks it could be hormonerelated. What are some symptoms of hormone imbalance I can look out for?

tell your cells what to do, and there are more than 100 that have been identified in the body.

Hormones have a role in your heartbeat, breathing, and blood pressure. They allow you to sleep at night and wake in the morning.

They control your hunger, metabolism, and growth. They determine your masculine and feminine traits, and reproductive function. They help to build bone,

A

As hormones regulate so many functions in the body, symptoms can be wide-ranging, but the most common that are often related to hormones are: low energy, weight gain, stress, mood swings, anxiety, memory loss/brain fog, PMS and period problems, low sex drive, poor hair/skin/nails, hot flushes, and digestive issues.

as well as repair skin and muscle.

They regulate your weight, energy, mood, and brain function.

And when they are all working optimally, you are going to be generally healthy. However, in modern life, and as you age, there are several challenges that hormones face that can tip them out of balance, and cause symptoms in many different areas of the body.

Keen to hear more about hormone health? Listen to Nicki chat to us about her story and the power of nutrition on episode 78 of our podcast, ‘I am. I have’.

Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

Q

How can nutrition help to balance hormones?

A

NICKI’S TOP TIPS FOR SUPPORTING HORMONE HEALTH: 1. Eat a nutrient-dense diet to support your hormones; hormones need a steady stream of nutrients to function properly.

2. Manage your stress – make sure you prioritise time in your day for self-care, such as mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, reading a book, walking in nature, or any activity that

you love to do. Switching off cortisol can hugely help to balance all of your hormones.

3. Sit less and move more – incorporate more natural movement in your day to encourage blood flow and nutrient distribution. Be careful not to over-exercise as that can increase cortisol and upset your hormones.

To truly balance your hormones, you need to start seeing food as information. Food has the power to change how you look, feel, think, and perform. It does this by sending messenger signals to your cells and hormones.

It can literally tell your body to burn or store fat, to increase or decrease your energy levels, to alter your mood, to change how your brain functions, or to switch on genes that cause disease.

These are foods that will help to nourish, transport, and detoxify hormones (and keep them in balance): • Low GL (Glycaemic Load) foods – such as fruit, veg, wholegrains, beans, pulses, meat, fish, eggs, nuts, seeds.

• Vegetables – as many varieties and colours as possible! They will supply plenty of vitamins, minerals, phytonutrients, and fibre.

• Fibre – e.g. wholegrains, veg, fruit, oats, beans, seeds.

• Good fats – like nuts, seeds, olives, avocado, oily fish, organic dairy, eggs, organic meat, olive oil, coconut oil.

• Protein – including organic meat, fish, dairy, eggs, nuts, seeds, beans, lentils, quinoa, spirulina, protein shakes.

• Hydration – water is very underrated! The average human is 60% water. Every cell needs water, and hormones need it to be transported around the body.

happiful.com | November 2021 | 29

Six ways to make your winter garden a

wellbeing oasis Tap into the power of nature, all year round Writing | Jane Taylor

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ature is a balm to both the mind and body – reducing blood pressure, and alleviating anxiety and stress. It was even the theme for this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week because of its “unique ability to not only bring consolation in times of stress, but also increase our creativity, empathy and a sense of wonder”.

By making the most of your outdoor spaces, you can bring nature closer to home! Here we share nine low-maintenance and wildlife-friendly ways to keep your fences, doorsteps, and gardens colourful and thriving through autumn and winter.

Illustration | Becky Johnston

Build a bulb lasagne Planting bulbs on top of another in a ‘lasagne’ means they pop up one after the other, bringing colour from late winter through to spring. One option is: • Layer 1 (at the bottom) – allium with bold globes of purple.

• Layer 2 – honey garlic with delicate white and pink heads.

• Layer 3 – grape hyacinth with gathered purple trumpets.

• Layer 4 (at the top) – crocus, whose purple cups will be the first to flower in February.

• A final dusting of cowslip seeds on the ground will give a bright yellow contrast to the bulbs.

Give a shrub a home Planting shrubs and bushes in pots is a flexible way to bring plant life to you. Why not try: • Holly – an evergreen classic that just shouts Christmas. Try a self-fertilising variety such as Ilex Aquifolim JC van Tol if

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you want to see those bright red berries – they’re also not quite as prickly!

• Spindle – in autumn, bright pink lantern-shaped flowers cradle a bright orange seed.

• Dwarf crab apple red sentinel – bursts with red fruits all the way through to January.

home truths

Paint your wall with plants Bring your walls to life with these winter bloomers. You could consider: • Winter honeysuckle – flowers from mid-December through to March, producing an invigorating scent.

• Hydrangea petiolaris – as well as making lovely white flowers in summer, this hydrangea also produces lush vibrant green foliage in winter.

Decorate your fence Fences are a blank slate for welcoming winter colour. We suggest: • Rosa Sweet Briar – you may recognise the name from Sleeping Beauty, where Briar Rose pricks her finger. This beautiful plant bursts with pink open-headed roses in late spring, as well as apple-scented foliage and abundant red hips in winter.

• Winter jasmine – a sweetsmelling climber with bright yellow, star-shaped flowers.

• Common ivy – an evergreen that flowers from September to November, then produces fruits until January. It also filters pollutants, and is a nesting place for robins and blackbirds.

Add water Plants are not the only way to add colour to your winter garden. What could be more colourful than a goldfinch spreading its butter-yellow wings? Or a robin flashing its iconic red breast?

One way to attract birds to your garden is to provide water. Birds need water both for drinking and for cleaning their feathers, so by putting out a birdbath you will soon attract them to your garden.

Make sure it’s high up and in the open – the birds will feel safe, and you’ll also get a great view.

Feed the birds Another way to attract birds to your garden is to put out food. In the winter there are often fewer natural food sources available, and birds need the extra calories to stay warm. A squirrel-buster feeder will deter most bushy-tailed visitors, while using ‘no mess sunflower seed’ means you won’t have to tidy up afterwards.

Jane Taylor is the RSPB Green Infrastructure Champion.

For more ideas on how to make your garden burst with colour, visit rspb.org.uk/ yourdoorstep for inspiration, practical advice, and ‘minimakeover’ videos.

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Stirring emotions What is it that makes baking such a soothing, evocative pastime?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

here’s something ritualistic about baking.

Laying out the ingredients (running to the corner shop to pick up the one thing you forgot), weighing the quantities, working everything together, putting it in the oven, taking it out of the oven (discovering a wobbly centre and putting it back in again), letting it cool, and serving it up (with the assurance that ‘looks aren’t everything’). For many, it’s a comforting, mindful, evocative ritual, our senses sparked by tastes, scents, and the sights – so much so that even wonky sponge cakes and forlorn flapjacks have a place in many of our hearts.

So, what it is that makes baking such an effective mindfulness tool, and how can we harness this to support our mental health? With help from a counsellor, and the people who have explored this connection for themselves, we’re asking the rising question: what happens when you add baking into the wellbeing mix?

Soul food

At the start of lockdown, demand for baking ingredients sored and, according to a forecast by Packaged Facts – a market research organisation – there’s no sign of interest drying up.

Noting this rise in home baking, counsellor Kirsty Taylor is not surprised that so many are able to find comfort in the mixing bowl.

“Baking allows us to control something, which is especially useful for those who live with >>>

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“And people prone to anxiety who use baking to calm their minds, people with depression who experience real joy from creating something that bolsters their self-esteem and allows them to connect with others, and those grieving the loss of a loved one, who gain respite, and space to breathe, while losing themselves in a recipe.”

also just about baking pies and making friends.”

Weekly clubs are run by a coordinator (also known by their formal title, ‘lead pie man’), and all the ingredients and equipment are provided, so members are able to turn up and get stuck in.

“Our aim is to cultivate a supportive peer network of men with cooking, eating, and socialising at the core,” Jamie continues. “Men tell us that the Men’s Pie Club format allows them to relax and get over the initial nervousness of attending a club for the first time. It gives our members a reason to get out and about, to meet local guys in their area, to feel part of something.”

Local guys making pies

Comfort food

While we create wonderful food when we bake, it’s about so much more than the end product

Jamie Sadler, founder of Men’s Pie Club

depression or anxiety, and might feel a sense of numbness, negativity, or a lack of control in their life,” she explains. “It can allow our minds the space to calm down when we feel anxious, and divert thoughts away from negative places. Essentially, it allows us to get out of our own head for a little while.”

It’s a phenomenon that a wealth of research supports, including a study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, which saw young adults take part in creative activities – including baking – and which found that they reported feeling happier and more creative in the days that followed.

“There are many real-life stories of mothers who use baking to work through postnatal depression,” Kirsty continues.

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In multiple locations across the north-east of England, local men are gathering to make the most of the benefits Kirsty lays out. The Men’s Pie Club – part of Food Nation, a social enterprise supported by the Movember Foundation – brings together men to bake pies and, importantly, to share what’s on their minds.

“We came up with Men’s Pie Club in response to the increasing need for social connections, particularly among men who are at greater risk of becoming socially isolated,” says founder Jamie Sadler. “We like to say we’re ‘local guys, making pies’, as that gives new members an indication of what to expect.

If we were to use fancy terms, we’d say it’s about tackling isolation and improving social connectedness. And it is, but it’s

That sense of connection is an important part of the power of baking, and we all have our own set of ‘food memories’ – something that becomes particularly prominent following bereavement.

Alexandra Locker lost her dad suddenly when she was 18 years old, and then her mum to cancer when she was 25.

“I always found the act of calmly following a recipe very meditative and soothing to grief,” she says.

“There is a stage of grief, perhaps when you’ve been given leave from school, university or your job due to a recent loss – when you cannot fathom summoning the energy to shower or leave the house. It was on those days that I would pick up a cookery book, and select a simple loaf cake.”

Her experiences led her to enrol at Ballymaloe Cookery

Photography | Chui King Li, @chuikingli

School, County Cork, Ireland, and while she was there Alexandra founded The Grief Kitchen – a grief community hosted on Instagram, where she shares her experiences and invites others to do the same.

“I turned to Instagram for a sense of daily purpose, and told myself I would cook one recipe every day and post it. I took special pleasure in making dishes my parents had cooked for me as a child. It made me feel close to them, and I realised there must be so many people out there who connect food and memories of loved ones.”

From all across the world, people started following The Grief Kitchen, sharing their stories of food and loved ones.

“I love hearing stories about somebody’s loved one who was a terrible chef, but relentlessly cooked a dish their family were too polite to critique. Or how a couple always took a slice of quiche from their favourite deli on picnics for years on end. What their mother made them eat when they were sick, and how they, in turn, now make it for their children,” Alexandra shares.

“Grief is love, and the stories people tell from that place are not dark, scary, or depressing – they’re beautiful.”

The icing on the cake

It doesn’t matter if it’s a set of cupcakes made from a packet, or a multi-tiered extravaganza, a general rule in life is that hardly anything is just what it appears to be on the surface. With baking, there’s so much more to the

Brown Bread Ice Cream Alexandra Locker reflects on special memories associated with this unique treat: “There is something delightful in observing a loved one's enjoyment of a particular food. Seeing their eyes light up in excitement as they spot you coming through the front door, clutching a bag from the supermarket saying, ‘Look what I’ve got!’

“We all have our own particular favourite treats – one of my dad’s was brown bread ice cream. My dad sometimes travelled for work and, occasionally, on his way home, he would pass somewhere that sold his treasured brown bread ice cream, and stock up on it. It would always feel like a special day, as he’d take a teaspoon and allow his three children to sample some. It was practically hallowed, as we were aware of its scarcity.

“I was fascinated by the concept of this flavour – why did brown bread taste so malty, sweet, and delicious in ice cream? It’s one of those things you don’t expect to work. It felt like a Locker family secret, we were ‘in the know’

hobby than creating sustenance – even more than cooking up a treat. It’s a way to express yourself, to switch off – or to switch on. With a bake you can say, ‘congratulations’, ‘sorry’, or ‘I love you’. The opportunities are there for the taking, so perhaps it’s time to marinate on that one.

about brown bread ice cream... like Fight Club.

“Learning to make ice cream at Ballymaloe gave me such a thrill. As I learned to infuse different flavours into ice cream, I imagined how excited Dad would have been for me to make his favourite flavour at home, and the sense of pride I would have felt in making my own brown bread ice cream, bringing it to him and saying: ‘Here, taste it, and let me know what you think.’

His opinion would have been the only one that mattered. So, I will work on the recipe – because, when I’m doing it, I can almost feel him smiling behind me.”

Kirsty Taylor is a humanistic, personcentred counsellor. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 35

If baking is any labour at all, it’s a labour of love. A love that gets passed from generation to generation REGINA BRETT Photography | Rodnae Productions

36 | November 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Music, mental health, and the mystic Creative expression became a healthy outlet for Danny to channel his Tourette’s syndrome, and through his experience he’s recognised that mental health can hold a mirror up to show our true selves, as well as the world around us Writing | Danny Sumbler

I

am a singer songwriter with Tourette’s syndrome. My mother is a healer, my father an antiques dealer – so I have healing hands, and history in my genes.

The story of my family’s awareness of mental health issues began when my father was only a child. He watched from the window as his older sister, my aunt Lillian, who was only six or seven at the time, was put into a black Morris Minor and taken to a mental institution. He never saw her again. What makes this story sadder is that she probably had a form of Tourette’s or Asperger’s, something that we can now understand more and help with – yet she ended up spending the rest of her days there alone.

However, this is where my learnings and knowledge of this subject stem from. Just like spirit is invisible much of the time, so are many forms of mental illness, so I feel compelled to reveal them to people through music and words.

I had no idea I was any different from anybody else until I was told so – I don’t think any child does until they are made aware of it. I thought the rituals I performed, OCD that is, were things everybody did.

Children can walk around with buckets on their heads, and nobody blinks an eye. I feel it should be the same for us all more generally, unless

somebody is being harmed by an action – and that goes for mental health conditions, too. This is another reason why it is imperative for me to nurture the inner child; it lacks judgement, and laughs rather than ridicules. There is a big difference between laughing at the situation, rather than the person. Also remember that different doesn’t mean bad; it can mean wizardry – and we’d all like to be Merlin really, if only we could find the courage to do so.

In my eyes, Tourette’s is a magnified version of many people’s lives, as many Tourettians are masters of suppression in public, because we have to be when we can muster the strength through fear of judgement. However, suppression is never a healthy thing as it will always manifest later, often in the most inappropriate way at the most inopportune time.

Please also understand that not all Tourettians have involuntary shouting and swearing, which is called coprolalia – only around 10% of those with it do. I have my own version of it. As people, just like you, we have similarities, but not one thing defines us completely.

Much of the time, I find my own way to overcome and deal with each random symptom, by channelling it through my creative work, or weaving my tics into the everyday things I do. >>>

happiful.com | November 2021 | 37

For more from Danny, visit danielsumbler.com

You know like when you are running, and fall over – so you might do a forward roll at the end to make it look like you did it on purpose? Ta-da!

Like that. Humour is the essence of my survival; especially humouring oneself, which is the ultimate degree in humility and tolerance in my opinion. I only take life seriously when I need to – otherwise, I am missing the point of living, and so much beauty that follows.

With Tourette’s or without it, I have far too much experience of my own behaviour to waste time being offended by others; it’s an inverted form of judgement in most cases anyway, and it must be so exhausting, staying offended all the time.

Eventually though, art and music also became a welcome healer – and thankfully, because it became my solace and my expression all in one, a bit like one big satisfying twitch. I sat from a young age and created. When you are lost in something so magical, you begin to see your true self – and are then able to work on the ‘negatives’.

Although I am very aware of how debilitating mine and many other mental health conditions

38 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Art and music became a welcome healer – and thankfully, because it became my solace and my expression all in one, a bit like one big satisfying twitch can be at times, this is about taking responsibility when we are strong enough to do so, and turning something that can be destructive into something productive. We may have to work harder than others, but our rewards will be greater for it.

We have flaws, yet everybody does – and I feel the greatest spiritual teachers have. They are more human and easier to relate to. Often when we see flaws, we judge on the lesser of the whole. It is a tragedy when people’s mistakes become greater than their goodness in so many people’s eyes, when it should really be the other way around.

That’s also why I love those with mental health conditions so much, because there is nothing contrived about them – and those who survive these conditions are saints and heroes to me.

Teaching anything spiritual isn’t about being

true story

perfect, it’s about being courageous enough to show we are not, then to share the lessons we’ve learned with those who need guidance.

So the point of this article is? Basically, empowering each other to see the light while respecting the shadows. Seeing the mirror in each other. It is about reaching out and sharing – two of our greatest gifts, and our greatest rewards when we do so. We mustn’t be afraid of the dark; the darkness is our teacher if we befriend it.

I am on a journey, not a mission. Mental health conditions, in fact any state of being out of the norm, can induce wonderful art.

And wonderful art and creativity can induce healing as well. We all have mental health, and for some this includes mental health conditions, which can turn into mental health problems – but there is a big difference between these, and society needs to learn this.

To date, I have written more than 300 songs, four books, and painted until the moon has hung low in the sky. Through doing so, I am hopefully creating awareness by not being defined by my condition.

Tourette’s teaches tolerance – as many other conditions can. It is a bridge to Zen. It is also kintsugi, and alchemy. Tourette’s is the Heyoka – the sacred clown – of mental health conditions; a beautiful oxymoron.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Danny’s inspiring journey takes us through the challenges that living with Tourette’s can bring.

Elegantly, Danny tells us how he has embraced his diagnosis – and it does not define him, it provides him with strength. The energy that Danny brings in his words is powerful, and it’s

clear to see that his experiences have lit a creative fire within, enabling him to flourish.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | November 2021 | 39

Six TikTok wellness trends, debunked Sort the fact from the fiction as we assess six viral TikTok trends and ask: is this too good to be true?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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t’s the app that attracts one billion users every month, drawn in by 15-second videos and quick rises to viral fame – and it’s safe to say that TikTok is one of the biggest drivers of online culture in 2021.

But among the animal videos, quick-witted comebacks, DIY hacks, everyday moments, and thoughtful conversations, are trends that are more fanciful than factual – and when it comes to health and wellness, it’s worth knowing how to spot when someone is leading you down a path of misinformation. Here, we’re breaking down six TikTok wellness trends, and taking a look at the small details of these big promises.

40 | November 2021 | happiful.com

WHAT I EAT IN A DAY These are videos where people supposedly record clips of everything that they eat on an average day. Sometimes the users may be doing so because they’re creative cooks making delicious grub, other times it could be about implying a particular diet will achieve certain looks – in other words: “If you eat what I’m eating, you’ll look like me.” First things first, it’s important to remember you can never completely trust a video like this – self-reported diets rarely make it into scientific studies due to bias – but also, it’s always important to consider that what works for one person may not for another,

and attaching virtue to food is a potentially harmful approach.

THE 75 HARD CHALLENGE The ‘75 hard challenge’ is a 75-day weight loss plan developed by motivational speaker, podcaster, author, and businessman Andy Frisella. Following this plan, each day you must: eat a restrictive diet, work out twice for at least 45 minutes each time, drink four litres of water, read 10 pages of nonfiction a day, and take a five-minute cold shower. To some degree, the 75 hard challenge is interesting, because it factors in broader wellbeing work with reading and taking cold showers – a clinical trial published in Medical Hypotheses found cold

food & health

It’s important to remember you can’t always trust self-reported evidence

showers showed potential for alleviating symptoms of depression. That said, the whole point of the challenge is that it’s extreme, and for the average person, will be unsustainable, and potentially unhealthy.

With any weight loss aims, it’s important to think about longterm, healthy lifestyle changes, rather than punishing and restrictive behaviours.

SALAD JARS Essentially a new level to aesthetic meal prepping, salad jars are… salads in jars. TikTokers layer up the ingredients of their salads in the jar, pop them in the fridge, and enjoy them later.

Ultimately, ‘healthy’ eating

doesn’t need to be aesthetically pleasing, and it could be said that this trend places more emphasis on how the food looks than its nutritional content. But if you’re someone who enjoys the added flare of a nice-looking lunch, and you’re packing a nutritional line-up, this is a fun trend to try. Creative, varied, balanced, nutritionally sound salads can be tasty and filling – plus, it’s a plastic-free way to enjoy your lunch. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 41

loss, improve skin quality, boost your vitamin C intake, even out wrinkles, and freshen your breath. Phew, those are some big promises – and, sadly, the majority are unfounded. Lemons are a good source of vitamin C but, when the juice is diluted in water, it’s unlikely you’ll feel any real benefit. As for the other claims, they’re much more tied up in drinking enough water than they are with lemon water specifically – and it’s important to remember that acid in lemons can damage our tooth enamel, so it’s best not to overindulge.

If you’re interested in working with a trusted professional to get personalised health and wellbeing advice, head to nutritionist-resource.org.uk

ONE-GALLON CHALLENGE It’s the challenge to drink one gallon of water each day – that’s about 4.5 litres. Guidance varies, but the NHS recommends that adults drink six to eight glasses of water (around 1.2 to 1.5 litres) and other liquids each day to replace normal fluid loss – water, lowerfat milk, tea, coffee, and sugarfree drinks all count. With that in mind, unless you’re doing a lot of exercise, 4.5 litres of water seems excessive – but is it also harmful?

42 | November 2021 | happiful.com

While it’s hard to put a figure on it, as our bodies all need different things, drinking too much can disrupt your body’s electrolyte balance – it can also make you feel full, leading you to eat less of the nutritious food you need for good health. Ultimately, getting enough water is essential, but setting your sights on arbitrary numbers does little good.

LEMON WATER This is a trend that has been around for far longer than TikTok, but it’s still very popular on the wellness hashtag. Those promoting it claim the drink will: ‘kickstart’ digestion, ease constipation, support weight

FACE SHAPING TOOLS In highly popular ‘before and after’ videos, users claim that face shaping tools – such as gua shas, the traditional Chinese medicine tool, and other facial massage tools – can completely adjust the shape of your face, giving you a slimmer profile and more defined features. Demonstrating methods of applying medium pressure and ‘scraping’ the skin, users show off transformations to their appearance. The truth is, there’s no scientific evidence to support these claims, and any changes seen in videos are more likely to be the result of angles, lighting, or weight loss than a miracle tool.

While wellness trends can be fun, it’s worth approaching them with a pinch of salt. Check the facts, do your research – and, remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

culture

Happiful reads...

From comforting romance novels to learning about our own bodies, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

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our immune system is the part of your body that keeps you alive, fighting off diseases, and healing you when you’re sick.

But, given that it works so hard for us, how much do we actually know about our greatest ally?

Although the biology of our immune response is complex, Philipp Dettmer takes us through

a close look at the army of antigens, cells, and receptors that fight off microbes. A beautifully illustrated book, with simple explanations, Immune is one to share with the whole family.

Immune by Philipp Dettmer Out 2 November

Must reads The Burpee Bears

by Joe Wicks Out now Who better to write a story about bears who love exercise than the Nation’s Favourite PE teacher, Joe Wicks? This picture book sees adventurous bears teach young readers about the fun ways to stretch their bodies, and provides a great reason to get up and jump around.

Common-Sense Wisdom by Pepper de Callier Out now The experiences of others can often teach us something about ourselves, and so too can what they have to say. Pepper de Callier has spent more than 50 years collecting quotes that he believes can change lives.

A refreshing and motivational book, Common-Sense Wisdom is sure to get you thinking.

The Wish by Nicholas Sparks Out now If you’re someone who cried at The Notebook and who enjoys a good romance story, Nicolas Sparks’ new novel, The Wish, is one to add to your reading list. Following the turbulent life of renowned photographer Maggie, this love story begs the question: “If you had one wish, what would it be?” happiful.com | November 2021 | 43

Wellbeing lessons we can learn from children Recapture those free and easy days with these tips Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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h, the olden days – a time when we could lose an entire morning to imaginary games that took us on journeys to other worlds, dabble in the arts with no thought to how the end project might measure up, and skip on down the road without a care about who might see us.

OK, we’ll take the rose-tinted glasses off for a minute to admit that growing up isn’t always plain sailing – but there’s a lot we adults can learn from children when it comes to embracing the things that make us happy. Here, we’re sharing four wellbeing lessons we could pick up from kids.

1. Tune-in to your creative side Adult colouring books have been a booming product over recent years, and for good reason – this mindful activity helps us to switch off from the stresses of everyday life, in favour of delving into something creative. But beyond colouring, letting go of any fear and just picking up a pencil to see what appears on the page in front of you is another very freeing and expressive activity. As adults, we 44 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

gather up ideas about the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do things, but those standards can hold us back from letting go and having fun. So what if you colour over the lines? Who cares if the proportions of your stick figure are slightly alien? As all adults know, mistakes are part of life, but pushing past them to find joy in creativity once again, can feel empowering and creatively challenging all at once.

2. Escape to distant lands In the past year, children’s book review site Toppsta.com saw a 78% increase in adults reading and reviewing children’s books for their own enjoyment. So what’s drawing them in? Well, it could be the sense of nostalgia, or it could be the comfort of simple story structures, larger than life characters, moral tales, noble triumphs, and fantastical lands. Young adult (YA) fiction is similarly popular with fullygrown adults, with readers returning to the escapism of fiction with simple and engaging plots.

Reading is a fantastic way to switch off from the day, and it’s

worth remembering that you can delve into a book with no expectations – there’s no need to come out with detailed criticism of the literary themes, or keep up with the latest bestsellers if that’s not for you. And if you’re not a huge fan of reading, there are a wealth of high-quality audiobooks available to explore, with studies finding that both listening to an audiobook, and reading a physical copy, activate the same areas of our brains.

3. Move freely We’re all aware of the benefits that moving our bodies can have on our mental health, but when did exercise become so… punishing? The world of sport and fitness can be intimidating, especially if you’re not in the habit of exercising.

We can face anxiety about the way our bodies will look, whether we can keep up with others around us, and what the right way to exercise is. As a child, it’s likely you skipped merrily wherever you went, played tag with your friends, climbed trees, or went on meandering walks

home truths

and adventures. What’s to say you can’t do that again? Break down your idea of what it means to exercise well, and move your body in ways that feel good to you – that could be yoga, swimming, walking, or skipping, and could be for five minutes, or 50.

As for playground games, Rabble runs exercise classes for adults across the country, each

session made up of playground games you will recognise from your youth, and you can find out more by visiting joinrabble.com.

4. Test your curiosity Who says that learning’s over the moment you walk out the school gates? There are lessons to find every single day in life, all it takes is a bit of curiosity. As a child, you probably bombarded adults in your life with ‘whys’ at every corner, and there’s no reason why that zest for life should end in adulthood. Take time to understand the world and people around you, and then turn that

In the past year, there was a 78% increase in adults reading and reviewing children’s books for their own enjoyment curiosity inwards – what have you still got to learn about yourself?

Does your mood seem to take a dip at a certain time each week?

Do you struggle to sleep before a specific event? Does an activity bring back difficult emotions you can’t quite express? There is so much that can be achieved with self-knowledge and a working understanding of the world around you – the inner and outer world are your oysters!

happiful.com | November 2021 | 45

S U F F E R I N G I N S I L E N C E Eating disorders only plague young women, right? Wrong. More than 300,00 men and boys are thought to be afflicted, too. It’s time to end the stigma, and get men talking about their struggles with food

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n our society, eating disorders are rife. The leading eating disorder charity in the UK, Beat, says that approximately 1.25 million people in the UK have an eating disorder. Although this figure is terrifying, it’s not surprising.

However, you may be shocked to find that around 25% of those who experience them are male.

Eating disorders are stereotypically seen as an illness that young white women develop.

This is a hugely outdated myth that unfortunately still persists.

Anyone of any age, gender, or race, can experience eating disorders, but there are still many people unaware of this, and men are one of the groups often forgotten in the conversation around eating disorders.

MEN AND EATING DISORDERS Surveys have shown that body image concerns in men have dramatically increased over the 46 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Writing | Sarah Young

past 30 years, with the percentage of men being dissatisfied with their bodies going from 15% to 43% – rates that are comparable to those found in women.

Studies also suggest that eating disorders are on the rise in men.

However, this could be because the stigma around men having eating disorders is becoming less prevalent, and more men are coming forward to seek help and treatment.

When we look at the statistics on eating disorders, the figures are sometimes taken only from hospital inpatient care. This captures only a tiny proportion of people with eating disorders, since only a small percentage with them – those at their most severely physically ill – will receive inpatient treatment.

Many will access other forms of support, such as counselling provided by the NHS or other organisations and charities, private therapy, and support groups. Others won’t access any

professional care at all. Due to the stigma, men are still much less likely to seek any support for their illness. This puts them at a higher risk of dying from their eating disorders.

WHAT IS THE ROOT CAUSE OF EATING DISORDERS? So why do boys and men develop eating disorders? Just as with girls and women, the reasons are vast and complex. Bullying, abuse, dieting, feeling pressured while engaging in sport, having a career that demands thinness (such as modelling or acting), and diet culture, can all be a catalyst in the development of an eating disorder in men, but these are just a tiny selection of the things that can act as a trigger.

The media is having an effect, too. The National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) website notes: “It has been found that men report experiencing increased depression and increased body dissatisfaction >>>

Due to the stigma, men are still much less likely to seek any support for their illness. This puts them at a higher risk of dying from their eating disorders

happiful.com | Month 2021 | 47

with regard to muscularity, after viewing television advertisements which show men with so-called ideal bodies. The current muscular ideal of the male body is becoming less and less realistic for men, and is a likely influence on the increase in male body dissatisfaction, use of excessive exercise and steroids.”

Additionally, the fact that we are living in a society that still places importance on gender roles, and traditional masculine ideals, means that males have negative attitudes towards seeking psychological help.

their struggles, for fear of being dismissed, invalidated, or laughed at.

Binge-eating disorder may go unrecognised in males because an overeating male is less likely to provoke attention than an overeating female – and restrictive eating disorders that include obsessive and compulsive over-exercise may go unnoticed, because men often strive to increase muscle tone rather than to lose weight.

Wendy Capewell, a member of Counselling Directory, says: “Men are more likely to be focused on their muscles, feeling they aren’t muscular and need to ‘bulk up’, which is termed Men report experiencing increased muscle dysmorphia, depression and body dissatisfaction and may result in binge-eating, obsessive compulsive after viewing television exercise, use of advertisements which show men protein supplements, or performance with so-called ideal bodies enhancing drugs or steroids. Conversely, THE DIAGNOSIS GAP in an attempt to lose weight, When it comes to recognising purging, the use of laxatives, and eating disorders in men, we fasting are common signs.” are also failing. Doctors are Studies show more than 90% of reportedly less likely to make adolescent boys report exercising a diagnosis in males than predominantly to increase females. Other adults who work muscle mass or tone, 66% report with young people, as well as changing their diet to increase friends and family, may also be muscle size or tone, and 15% are less likely to suspect an eating using substances like anabolic disorder in boys and men, steroids for the same purpose. thereby delaying detection and Men are also more likely to treatment. engage in excessive exercise as The stereotype of eating a purging method than females, disorders being a “girl’s illness” which can easily be missed can also prevent men from because exercise and “bulking opening up to others about up” is promoted as healthy. This 48 | November 2021 | happiful.com

will often be celebrated by many, rather than raising a red flag.

It is important to note that if an individual is taking performanceenhancing supplements, and then engages in weightlifting, they are at increased risk of suffering a heart attack or stroke.

GETTING SUPPORT The stigma may be dissipating bit by bit, but it’s still a huge barrier.

One man told me that his doctor said he couldn’t have anorexia because he had no menstrual cycle to lose. Another told me his doctor thrust a leaflet about eating disorders into his hand and offered no other support.

It’s of paramount importance to recognise, and take seriously, eating disorders in men. If you suspect you may have an eating disorder, please speak to your GP, or go to the Beat website (beateatingdisorders.org.uk), call their helpline (0808 801 6770), or talk to them via their webchat.

You’re not alone; help is out there.

Sarah Young talks about body confidence, eating disorder recovery, and chronic illness on her Instagram @bodypositivepear

Wendy Capewell is an integrative counsellor specialising in trauma. Get in touch with Wendy and find out more on counselling-directory.org.uk

Self-care bingo Asked for help

Made the bed

Enjoyed some 'me time'

Listened to my body

Spoke to a loved one

Showed myself kindness

Watched the clouds

Did a digital detox

Ticked a job off my to-do list

Practised selfmassage

Planned something to look forward to

Did something that brings me joy

Challenged Tried a Decluttered negative positive a space in thoughts affirmation my home

Had a mindful moment

Was honest with myself

Treated myself

Moved my body Set a personal boundary happiful.com | November 2021 | 49

You were put on this earth to achieve your greatest self, to live out your purpose, and to do it courageously STEVE MARABOLI Photography | Maycon Marmo

Learn the basics of feng shui and create a peaceful, balanced home Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ou’ve probably heard the term before, but how much do you really know about feng shui, its history, and the ways we can apply its principles in our own homes?

First, let’s go back to the beginning. Feng shui is the ancient Chinese art of positioning buildings and objects within a space to achieve a sense of harmony and balance. Its roots are in Taoism – a philosophical and spiritual tradition of Chinese origin. Taoists believe in chi, a life force that is within everything, and which is made up of yin and yang. These are opposing, inseparable forces that complement each other when balanced. Once this harmony is

achieved, it’s believed that the flow of chi is improved, allowing people to embrace positivity and abundance in their lives.

Feng shui is simply a practical way to balance yin and yang in your home, and there’s evidence to show that Chinese people have been designing their homes using its principles for more than 4,000 years.

So, how can you capture the essence of feng shui in your own home? Let us break it down for you...

ENTRANCE Your front door, porch area, or entranceway is the first area you may want to look at, as it’s known as the ‘mouth of qi’, which is where the energy enters your

home. As with other areas of your home, you should try to keep it clean and clear of clutter, so as not to disrupt the flow.

LIVING ROOM In feng shui philosophy, each room will have an item that takes a ‘commanding position’.

Placed in this position, when you are using an item you should be able to see the door to the room without being directly in line with it, and you should have a good view of anyone coming through.

In the living room, this will most likely be the sofa. Once you have placed the sofa, add any other seats – ensuring, as much as is possible, that none have their backs to the door. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 51

THE FIVE ELEMENTS In feng shui, all materials fit into one of five elemental categories: water, wood, fire, earth, and metal. It’s believed that each element provokes different moods, and balancing each of these is thought to be the key to a good room.

Water | Water is linked to abundance, movement, cleansing, and a free flow of emotions. You could add water features, or alternatively add blue colours, or items that are curved like waves.

Fire | Fire is representative of action and passion. Candles are an obvious choice for introducing this element, but you can also add in pops of red.

Earth | Earth is all about stability and security. To add earth tones into your home, cultivate plants, or explore the world of crystals.

Metal | For focus and clarity, it’s metal you want. Don’t be afraid to mix metals, and add warmer brassy tones along with clean silvers.

Wood | Symbolic of new life, growth, creativity, and health, wood can be introduced with the furniture, as well as with green tones.

Consider what the function of the room is and incorporate this into your layout. For example, have chairs facing each other to encourage conversation and connectivity. When it comes to placing a television, try to ensure that it isn’t the focal point, or can be tucked away when not in use.

KITCHEN AND DINING ROOM Kitchens are areas of our homes that can easily become cluttered as we go about our daily routines, but which should be a calm space dedicated to nourishing and caring for ourselves.

Try to keep on top of your pantry and food stores, as expired food is thought to create ‘stagnant energy’. If you have a dining table, try your best to keep it 52 | November 2021 | happiful.com

clear from clutter, tidying up after activities as you go.

BATHROOM In feng shui, drains are a source of depleting energy – and the average bathroom is bound to have a couple of those. The advice is to keep bathroom doors and toilet seats closed when not in use. This is also a space where one element may take over the room, so think about how you can bring in some softer touches, and balance everything together.

BEDROOM In the bedroom, the most important item is the bed, and so this should be placed in a commanding position. Ideally, underneath the bed would be clear,

to allow the energy to flow freely through the room. But, when storage is tight in smaller spaces, and you have to make the most of the under bed area, try to keep things organised in boxes, or store soft, bedroom related items such as bedding and blankets.

When it comes to designing and arranging your home, one of the best things about feng shui is that it isn’t about going out and buying the most expensive items, or most fashionable styles – it’s about finding peace within the space and the belongings that you already have, tuning-in to the environment you have created, and adjusting it with small, simple tweaks. You never know, it could be key to finding your flow.

DOS AND DON’TS Do have dedicated spaces for rest and activity.

Why? Create balance in your home by having rooms for activity (recreational and work), and rooms for rest.

Don’t place mirrors opposite a front door.

Why? It’s thought that the good energy you’ve built up inside will bounce out of the house.

Do look after your oven.

Why? In feng shui, ovens attract abundance and good fortune.

Don’t leave clutter in your hallways.

Why? The hallways are the arteries of your home, and so in order for good feelings to flow freely, they should be kept clear.

Do let go of items that bring up bad memories.

Why? The whole point of feng shui is to promote positive wellbeing with good energy, so if you’re holding on to items that bring up bad memories, it’s time to let them go.

Don’t leave tangled electrical cords out.

Why? Tangled and dangling cords create a chaotic energy, so try tidying them up or neatly hiding them.

Andy Gill BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY Andy Gill is a multi-modal therapist who uses coaching, hypnotherapy, and yoga to meet his clients’ needs.

Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Exploring the mind body connection with yoga

Tuning-in to the relationship between our physical and emotional selves holds truly transformative potential. Here, our expert columnist Andy Gill delves into the topic, to share insight, advice, and practical exercises you can try at home...

Writing | Andy Gill

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any people see yoga as stretching, a way to improve mobility, an exercise practice, something about breathing, relaxation or meditation.

And yes, yoga does encompass all of these things, but it is far more powerful: it is a method for personal transformation.

Yoga gives us the opportunity to work through the body to strengthen and deepen the mindbody connection. It cultivates our relationship with ourselves, and helps us to manage stress, as well as maintain good mental health.

The simple process of learning to move and breathe better helps us to find space and ease, both in our bodies as well as our lives off the yoga mat.

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Many of us relate to our bodies in ways that are disconnected, dysfunctional, and sometimes abusive. When we interact with our bodies in this way, we are hurting and undermining ourselves.

Our wellbeing relies on a healthy connection between the mind and body. Our body is a valuable and ever present resource – a foundation for our lives, keeping us centred, grounded, and in the present. A strong connection to the body provides a connection to the reality of our experience, a place we can call home and return to when we get caught up in the stresses of our modern life. A balanced yoga practice gives us

the tools to develop this deeper connection.

So where do we start?

Throughout our lives, many of us have learned to be very hard on ourselves. In yoga philosophy, there is a concept called Ahimsa.

It invites us to be gentle, kind, and compassionate, not only to others but ourselves, too.

You may have heard of the importance of practicing selflove for building a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

Cultivating Ahimsa is a practice in developing this self-love, and the journey starts in the body.

As a yoga teacher, I ask my students to listen to their bodies, to move in ways that are appropriate and relevant to their

EXPERT COLUMN

The body is constantly providing feedback, you just need to consciously choose to listen • Has the breath changed as you observed it?

• What else do you notice?

2. MOVEMENT PRACTICE This is a practice in bringing awareness to the body in movement. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and choose some movements that you are familiar with – it could be a simple yoga routine, a few easy stretches, or even a gentle walk.

own body’s unique needs, rather than imposing a prescribed ‘blueprint’ of how it should look.

Yoga is not about making shapes, it is a feeling practice. The body is constantly providing feedback, you just need to consciously choose to listen. It is not healthy for our wellbeing to ignore or push through pain – this is not Ahimsa, it is not yoga.

This approach to yoga and movement allows us to unravel tension, to create space, ease, comfort, and freedom in our bodies. When we find freedom in the body, we begin to find freedom and ease in our lives.

To give you some practical experience, I have included two exercises for you to try:

1. BREATH AWARENESS Find a comfortable posture, sitting or lying down. Set a timer for five minutes.

Close your eyes to allow you to bring your conscious awareness to your breath.

There is no need to change or breathe in any special way – just breathe normally.

This is a feeling practice, so I want you to feel the breath as it moves in the body, and notice how the body moves in response to the breath. Ask yourself: • How does the breath move in the body?

• Which parts of your body respond to the breath?

• Bring your awareness to the breath.

• When you are ready, begin to move slowly, and breathe normally. Moving slowly allows you to really feel the body sensations that arise.

• Notice the sensations that are present as you move.

• What different ‘flavours’ of sensation are available to you?

With both practices, simply pay attention to your body, the motions, and any feelings that arise, be curious, and really tunein to the sensation of the body.

As you repeat the practices, you may notice that the experience changes. I invite you to notice how it develops with repetition over a couple of weeks. happiful.com | November 2021 | 55

Sumptuous soups Cosy winter broths to boost your immune system Writing | Lucy Sommer

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t’s getting colder, and the days are becoming shorter, which means our immune systems need a nutrient boost fast – a perfect time for some delicious and nutritious soup recipes!

I love traditional rustic soups that feel like a big hug on a cold day, and these recipes do exactly that. Not only are they filled with the nutrients our guts are craving, they are predominantly seasonal,

so the ingredients are more nutritionally dense. I prefer soups with a bit of bite; they leave me feeling satisfied so I don’t need a mountain of toast. Fill your boots with these two tasty suggestions!

Ribollita

bread, torn into small pieces • 1 large bunch of cavolo nero or swiss chard • 1 can of cannellini beans

fresh rosemary, bay leaves, and parmesan rind. Cover with the lid and bring to a boil.

• Once boiling, reduce the heat to medium-low. Simmer the soup for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

• Meanwhile, heat a large frying pan over medium heat. Coat the bottom with a generous amount of olive oil. Add the torn bread, and toss until golden and crispy. Season with a pinch of salt.

• Stir the bread, cavolo nero, and cannellini beans into the soup, and heat through for about 8–10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

• Serve with a drizzle of olive oil, and some freshly grated parmesan.

Serves 4 Prep time: 15 mins Cook time: 40 mins Ingredients • 1 tbsp olive oil • 1 white onion, diced • 3 medium carrots, peeled and diced • 2 celery stalks, diced • 5 cloves of garlic, finely sliced • 2 tbsp tomato paste • 1 tsp chilli flakes • 1 cup of red wine • 1 tin of tomatoes • 500ml vegetable stock • 2 sprigs of rosemary • 2 bay leaves • 1–2 parmesan rinds • 3 slices of crusty whole grain 56 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Method • Heat a large, heavy-bottomed pot or dutch oven over medium heat. Add the olive oil. When the oil is hot, add the onions, carrots, and celery. Sauté for about 8 minutes with the lid on until soft and slightly caramelised. Stir in the garlic, and let it cook for another minute or so.

• Add the tomato paste and chilli flakes, stir and let caramelise for about 2 minutes. Pour in the red wine, and simmer for another 2 minutes. Add the tomatoes, vegetable stock,

food & health

Find a ist on nutrition iful our Happ app

The healthy bit

• 1 litre of chicken stock (2x stock cubes) • ¾ cup of uncooked orzo pasta • 1 lemon, zest and juice • 2 large chicken breasts, sliced into chunks (or left-over roast chicken)

Lemon Chicken Orzo Serves 4 Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 20 minutes Ingredients • 2 tbsp butter • 1 white onion, diced • 5 cloves of garlic, diced • 3 carrots, peeled and diced • 2 celery stalks, diced • 1 sprig of rosemary • 1 sprig of thyme • 2 bay leaves

Method • Heat the butter in a large pot or dutch oven over medium heat. Add the onion, cover with a lid, and let it sweat until soft and transparent. Add the garlic, carrots, and celery, and leave to cook for about 5 minutes.

• Carefully stir in the herbs and add the stock. Bring the stock to a boil, add the orzo, stir, and then add the zest and juice of 1 lemon.

• Add the chicken pieces, season with salt and pepper, and leave to cook with the lid on for about 8 minutes, until the orzo and chicken are cooked.

• Serve immediately.

Ribollita is an Italian soup, traditionally cooked to use up leftovers and literally means ‘reboiled’. I like to think that this soup is a gut’s best friend, with prebiotic foods such as onion, garlic, celery, and beans. Prebiotic foods provide fuel for our gut bacteria to thrive, which supports our immune system. Celery contains an astounding number of vitamins and minerals, so makes a great addition!

Last but not least, cruciferous vegetables are the real nutrition heroes, and we need these most in the winter months. Cavolo Nero (aka Tuscan kale) is a good source of lutein, vitamins K, A and C, and B vitamins.

The lemon chicken orzo is a firm family favourite – not only is it cosy and delicious, but it’s packed with nutrients. When cooking in winter, I always add extra garlic as it’s one of the most accessible healthy foods – with benefits from improved cardiovascular health to regulating blood sugar levels, and has anti-inflammatory properties.

Seasonal herbs are a must, so I added rosemary, thyme, and bay leaves, which all have benefits.

Lemon brightens the soup, leaving you feeling energised, and gives your immune system the vitamin C it craves in the winter months.

Lucy Sommer is a registered nutritional therapist, using her passion for nutrition and cooking to develop recipes and inspire young people to learn how to cook. happiful.com | November 2021 | 57

How to recognise when you’re languishing

(and start f lourishing)

Feeling a bit ‘meh’? We’ve all been there – but you don’t have to stay feeling stuck in a rut. Here, we explore how to break free from languishing Writing | Kat Nicholls

I

magine a line. At one end is depression and the other, flourishing. Where would you put yourself right now?

This continuum can be a helpful tool to recognise where we are in terms of our mental wellbeing, but there’s another expression we need to add. Sitting at the centre of this line, ‘languishing’ is when we don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but we’re not exactly thriving, either.

The word ‘languishing’ can be traced back to the early Latin word ‘languere’ which means to feel faint. When we’re languishing, we don’t have the motivation to take on the day ahead. When we’re flourishing, however, we feel positive and excited about life.

With the events of the past 18 months, it’s not a surprise that this term is cropping up a lot, but how do we recognise when we’re languishing?

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1. You’ve lost your motivation You can read all the inspirational quotes in the world, but the truth is motivation is an inside job – if we don’t feel it internally, nothing will help.

2. You’re finding it hard to focus While we all have times when our focus drifts in and out, thanks to the distractions and challenges of daily life, with languishing you will notice this for a longer period of time, and it will be even more difficult than usual.

3. You’re withdrawing from what used to bring you joy The lack of motivation, and desire to withdraw when you’re languishing, can lead to turning down social invitations, or letting go of hobbies you used to love.

4. You’re feeling stuck A key aspect of languishing can be feeling stuck in life, like you’re

not moving forward, or aren’t where you want to be.

If you recognise these signs, you’re not alone. In May 2021, the search term ‘languishing’ peaked in popularity, meaning people were Googling it more than ever before.

So, to help you move closer to flourishing, try the following:

Start savouring The idea behind savouring is to become more present and appreciate the good moments when they happen, no matter how small.

To help you get into a savouring state of mind, try going for a walk and take photographs of what makes you smile.

Practise gratitude There are countless studies on the benefits of being more grateful; start by noting down one thing you’re grateful for every day and see how it makes you feel.

positive pointers

Is it languishing or depression?

While unpleasant, languishing is not the same as depression. If you’ve been experiencing the following symptoms for two weeks or more, it would be good to speak to your doctor for more support: • Continuous low mood or sadness • Feeling hopeless and helpless • Having low self-esteem • Not getting any enjoyment out of life • Change in appetite and/or sleep

Find your purpose

Find your flow

Seek connection

The state of flow happens when we become immersed in a task that is neither too easy nor too challenging. This flow state has been described as an ‘antidote’ to languishing, so find an activity that can help you get there. Some of our favourites include drawing, knitting, gardening, and cooking.

When we’re languishing, we naturally want to withdraw. But when we fight this urge and actively seek out connection, we take the power back. This could be a simple exchange between yourself and a barista at your local cafe, or calling a loved one for a chat.

When we feel stuck, moving forward is tough, and that’s because we need something to aim for. This is where purpose comes in. When we identify our purpose (why we do what we do) we can feel inspired again. Remember, this doesn’t have to be grand or life-changing – making people smile could be your purpose. Whatever it is, own it.

If all else fails, remember, nothing in this life is permanent, including the feeling of languishing. The way you feel will change, and if you can take some proactive steps to help yourself get there, even better. Here’s to nudging that little bit closer to flourishing.

If you’re languishing right now, you might benefit from talking to a coach who can help you identify your blocks and move past them.

Find the right coach for you at lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 59

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wellbeing

What is cyclothymia?

With the help of a counselling psychologist, we explore the lesser-known mental health condition of cyclothymia Writing | Katie Hoare

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hroughout our lives, our mental health will naturally fluctuate as we face challenges, as well as periods of joy and happiness.

While this is a normal, natural thing, for some people this cycle is more extreme, and they find that their moods can change rapidly, impacting both their own everyday lives and their relationships with others.

Here, with the help of counselling psychologist, Michelle Williams, we’re exploring the mood disorder, cyclothymia – delving into what makes it different from other mental health conditions, and examining the impact this relatively unknown disorder has on the lives of those who live with it.

What is cyclothymia?

“Cyclothymia, or cyclothymic disorder, can be characterised by moods cycling between feeling elevated and depressed – b­ut in a person who does not meet the criteria for bipolar I or II disorder, or major depressive disorder,” Michelle explains. “The elevated moods are punctuated by feeling good, not needing as much sleep, and having a lot of energy – whereas the depressed moods involve feeling low, needing more sleep, and losing interest in things that normally interest you.”

A rare mood disorder, cyclothymia is also known by its unofficial term ‘bipolar III’, and it’s often seen as a milder form of bipolar disorder. It is for this

reason that most people who actually have the disorder never formally receive a diagnosis.

Cyclothymia and bipolar disorder

Cyclothymia is a term that isn’t as well known as its cousin bipolar disorder, a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings and has many similarities to cyclothymia.

Symptoms can overlap in that they both follow a pattern of moods; periods of feeling low followed by periods of extreme happiness or excitement.

The key difference is that moods can last for a longer period of time with cyclothymia, and they are significantly milder than the moods experienced >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 61

Mood-soothing strategies

While you should always follow the advice of your doctor, self-help activities can be really useful when trying to manage your mood: •L isten to relaxing music.

Studies have shown that classical music and reggae are particularly soothing.

•E at or drink something with a strong taste. It could be peppermint, or coffee, but having a strong taste in our mouth can help to bring us back to the present when our mood is spiralling.

•P ractise breathing techniques. Take slow, deep breaths – head to p92 for some simple exercises.

•M ake time for self-care. Try to get into the habit of doing self-care activities that work for you. These can be done daily, but when you’re going through a difficult time, self-care becomes even more important.

• J ournal about your feelings. Reflect on what you’re feeling, and record it in a journal. Not only will this help you work through your experiences, but you may be able to find patterns in your mood.

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wellbeing

Cy c l o t h y m i a ca n b e c h a ra c t e r i s e d by moods cycling between feel i n g ele va ted a n d de p ressed with bipolar disorder. You may feel sluggish, unmotivated, and lack interest in the usual things you enjoy, but you will still be able to go about your daily life.

When you experience a high mood with cyclothymia (also known as hypomania), you may feel extremely happy, upbeat, and full of energy, but don’t need a lot of sleep. It’s common you’ll experience ‘normal’ moods in between the mood disturbances.

Treatment for cyclothymia

Leaving cyclothymia undiagnosed can be unhelpful, and it can affect your behaviour, relationships, and everyday interactions, so it’s important to consult your GP if you suspect that you might be experiencing symptoms.

“Something that you can do to help your health professional is to maintain a mood chart that keeps a daily record of your mood, sleep patterns, and any other factors that are affecting your mood,” says Michelle.

This is an activity that can then be taken to any initial appointments, and be passed on to help health professionals identify, diagnose and, in turn, recommend the most appropriate treatment.

Mood disorders can affect the way you react and behave in certain situations – for example, when experiencing a bout of low mood, you may struggle with excessive guilt, feelings of worthiness, or anxiety. In this state, you may respond to an everyday situation in a highly sensitive manner, experiencing intense worry, or severe selfdeprecating thoughts.

When it comes to mood disorders, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is particularly helpful for teaching you how to identify these emotionally charged reactions, and challenge negative thoughts – assisting with stabilising your mood and influencing more positive behaviour.

Cyclothymia is no different, and is typically treated via a combination of mood stabilising medication and CBT. “The aims of treatment are to reduce the frequency and severity of your symptoms, to reduce the risk of relapse of symptoms, and decrease your risk of developing bipolar I or II disorder,” Michelle explains. “It can also be really useful to join a support group.”

People who have cyclothymia are at a greater risk of developing

bipolar disorder, so while the emotional ‘highs’ may seem pleasant, if you do suspect you may be experiencing something more complicated, it’s always best to speak to your GP. Mood disorders are often strongly linked to alcohol and substance misuse, as people turn to these self-medicating methods to help manage the disorder. Talking therapies such as CBT can also be a helpful tool to support individuals with any alcohol or substance misuse problems.

So remember, mental health is complicated, it’s a spectrum that encompasses many different experiences, but no matter how ‘mild’ your experiences may seem, you’re always worthy of help and support.

Michelle Williams is a counselling psychologist specialising in depression, anxiety, self-compassion, and mindfulness. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 63

Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others.

Unfold your own myth

RUMI Photography | Maria Lupan

64 | November 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Crystal clear Steff struggled with her mental health for years, trying to find a treatment that suited her. When she finally discovered more holistic therapies, she not only began her journey to recovery, but found the inspiration to start a business to help others as well Writing | Steff Pitman

A

t the age of 14, I sank into a deep depression and, at the time, had no idea what was happening to me. I was angry at myself for feeling this way, and began to self-harm to forget the pain in my brain. It was a very confusing time, and at an age where my hormones were all over the place. I felt like there was no way out; how could I get better if I couldn’t even explain what was wrong?

I felt so lost, confused, and scared. At times, I didn’t want to be here anymore.

I began to really dislike myself, and eventually tried to seek help. Initially I went through this alone, until I opened up to my parents, who supported all the different methods I tried. I’m lucky to have the support system I do, but this led me to think about how many women are going through something similar, and are too scared to talk about it.

Over the years, I found other ways to harm myself – excessive drinking, smoking, sleep deprivation, pulling my hair out. I didn’t realise why I was doing these things, but I never felt well.

For the next 10 years, I found it hard to leave the house and would have panic attacks over things that would seem trivial to most. I felt physically ill, too. Eventually, I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder – which made sense at the time, but, as I later found out, there was more to it.

I suffered in silence, putting on a brave face and, quite frankly, it was hell. The anxiety made me paranoid, and shaky. I couldn’t sleep, and my energy was constantly drained. I experienced severe brain fog and confusion, with even the smallest thing triggering an attack.

I tried cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) through the NHS, but unfortunately it did nothing for me. I tried medication, counselling, and selfhelp books. It was frustrating because it felt like no one could help me. I felt helpless and alone.

Then one day I picked up a crystal, and could feel the energy bounding through it. I did some research, and realised I could use them as a healing tool. This was the beginning of my recovery; putting crystals in my bra to support me made life simple, and created a stable routine.

Alongside crystal healing, I tried more holistic options, such as hypnotherapy, nutrition, >>>

happiful.com | November 2021 | 65

Photography (Right) | Stories by Chloe Photography

I found a therapist who combined everything and really understood me. She works with me in conventional and holistic ways meditation, and dived deeper into overcoming my past traumas. I also learned about my triggers, and how to teach myself to remain calm. I found a therapist who combined everything and really understood me. She works with me in conventional and holistic ways, combining therapy with sound healing and crystals – I still see her today.

I’m now coming up to 11 years harm-free, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) as well as endometriosis. This came after more than three years of chronic pain following the bursting of ovarian cyst, and not understanding why I was still struggling with my mind and hormones.

With ADHD, I’ve learnt that it’s common for women to be diagnosed later in life; it’s often labelled as something little boys have, and isn’t

66 | November 2021 | happiful.com

explained enough for most people to even realise they have it, plus people often assume it’s just hyperactivity. My experience with anxiety and panic attacks was never actually panic disorder, but part of not having a neurotypical brain.

For me, ADHD is struggling to stay focused, excessive talking, fidgeting, impulsive behaviour, and not being able to properly regulate my emotions so they escalate quickly. This can look like irritability, outbursts of anger, crying, or be the complete opposite as I seem extremely happy and overjoyed. I can also go from having too much energy to not enough, things like getting ready and following through on tasks can be difficult due to sensory overload. I might forget important information, or lose things. This tends to lead me to feel guilt, shame, and selfloathing, which makes sense when I look back at my younger self. Knowing what I know now, it’s really no surprise now that she had such a hard time; she had no idea what she was dealing with.

All these symptoms can be followed by anxiety and shame, which is why it often be mistaken for anxiety, as that seems like the common issue at first – e.g. the panic that I may have said the wrong thing or interrupted someone.

true story

I have mixed emotions about being diagnosed at 29. I’m relieved to finally understand myself, but there’s always a sadness in knowing there’s something chemically different with my brain, that others may be judgemental of, or not understand. There is sometimes a link between endometriosis and ADHD, but little evidence to prove it’s hormone-related at the moment.

Since getting my crystal healing, spiritual life coaching, and meditation certification, I have worked as an intuitive healing coach to help others to find balance in their minds and bodies. I want to help them get to the root of what triggers pain from chronic illness, as well

as supporting them to work through trauma. I’ve held workshops on crystals and holistic healing, and I feel like I’ve finally found my path. I have a supportive family, friends, and fiancé who stayed with me through my health issues and in starting my business.

I want others to remember they are supported and to reach out; I wish I didn’t wait years to talk about it. It’s a long tough journey, but my mental health is now manageable. I want the same for everyone, no matter what they’re going through.

My ultimate goal is to support others and help them find what works for them. For me, combining modern medicine and holistic practices works best. I am the happiest and most stable I have ever felt, and I am so grateful I didn’t give up, because I would have missed out on so many amazing things in my life if I had.

OUR EXPERT SAYS From an early age, Steff struggled with her mental health, and ending up self-harming.

Despite experimenting with a variety of treatments, nothing seemed to help. The turning point came when she connected with holistic therapy, as she felt she could finally understand what was going on in her body and mind, and could restore the balance.

Steff’s story reminds us not to be discouraged if one avenue of treatment doesn’t work for us. Finding the therapy and therapist that enables you to explore your process is often the key to improving your mental health.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | November 2021 | 67

Five tips for dealing with food guilt With help from a nutritional therapist, we share some top tips for taking food guilt off the table Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

f you’ve ever found yourself unfairly berating yourself for what you have, or haven’t, eaten, you wouldn’t be alone. Food guilt is a common experience that builds up inside of us, gnawing away at our happiness and our self-esteem. And, at a time when we’re constantly faced with pressure and judgement surrounding both food itself and our body image, it’s easy to see where this may all be coming from.

As if we haven’t already got enough on our plates, food guilt can take over our daily lives, throwing us off course, even affecting our relationships with others.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here, with the help of nutritionist Rachel Larkin, we explore tips for tackling food guilt, and beginning your journey to a better relationship with the things you eat.

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1. Accept that there is no place for food guilt in a balanced diet “At a basic level, food is fuel for our bodies – but it’s not as black and white as that, because food plays a part in our social lives, and its preparation and consumption should be a pleasurable experience,” Rachel says. “Food guilt comes from being aware that certain foods are unhealthy – but a balanced diet has a place for unhealthy foods as well as healthy, just in the right proportions.”

You’ve heard it before, but ‘balanced’ really is the key element here, and a healthy diet will include foods across all the food groups, with nutritious meals, as well as your favourite treats.

2. Food guilt may not always be about the food As Rachel points out, the feelings you may be

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

experiencing around food could be indications of bigger things going on in your life.

“Think about your selfesteem, confidence, and influences from other people,” she recommends. “For most of us, our relationship with food is based on our eating habits as children. This includes what we ate, what we were told about what we eat, and influence from the role models around us. If a parent or guardian was always dieting or labelling certain foods as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’, then this is likely to have affected how you feel about those foods, even subconsciously.”

To get to the bottom of this, you may want to spend some time reflecting to yourself, or speaking to someone you trust, about your relationship with food, both conscious and unconscious – and this is something a mental health

professional will be able to help you with, if you choose to explore it further.

3. When you feel the beginnings of food guilt, take a moment to reflect upon what just happened “What were the events leading up to eating that food? Was there a particular trigger? How did you feel before you ate it? What action could you have taken instead, that would have had a better outcome?” Rachel asks.

When we find ourselves entering a thought spiral, it can quickly get out of hand. So, take back control. Next time you recognise feelings of food guilt cropping up, stop, consider the questions Rachel asks, and see what you can learn about yourself and your reaction.

Food plays a part in our social lives, and its preparation and consumption should be pleasurable

without thinking,” explains Rachel. “Taking a moment before you eat to check in with yourself, to see what your body needs and wants, can help you become aware of what is influencing your choice of food at that time. It can then be easier to assess whether you are eating that food for the right reasons.”

unhealthy or triggering for you, take a step back and consider speaking to a professional.

When we take the time to delve deeper into our thoughts and feelings, we may uncover surprising things. But, armed with this knowledge, we can begin to set our sights on a selfcompassionate future.

5. Start a food journal “Starting a record of what you eat – focusing on how you feel before, during, and after – can help you spot patterns where those feelings of guilt and shame pop up,” Rachel advises. “Understanding the causes can help you know how to best support yourself, and change your habits.”

She points out that you may be able to uncover a relationship between food guilt and a host of lifestyle factors, including menstrual cycles, work deadlines, or anything else going on in your life that may be causing stress.

It’s important to recognise that this exercise is intended to help track patterns in your relationship with food, but if you find that the process becomes

Rachel Larkin is a nutritional therapist and NLP practitioner.

Find out more by visiting nutritionist-resource.org.uk

4. Practise mindful eating Mindfulness is a practice that can support us in all areas of our lives – and our relationship with food is no different.

“Eating more mindfully can reduce those impulsive times when you eat something happiful.com | November 2021 | 69

Why hydration is good for your mental health

We all know about the importance of trying to drink our eight glasses of water a day, but there’s far more to it than just quenching your thirst…

Writing | Jenna Farmer

I

f there’s one simple habit that’s universally recommended, it’s to keep on top of your water intake. Water is involved in so many different bodily functions – from helping our body get rid of waste to protecting our joints – yet in the busy lives we lead, many of us forget to drink enough.

Nutritionist Uta Boellinger says: “Good hydration is crucial for health and wellbeing, and just about every mechanism in your body relies on adequate water intake.”

It’s not just about your physical health either, with water playing a part in your mental health, too.

A study found that drinking the lowest levels of water doubled the risk of depression and anxiety.

70 | November 2021 | happiful.com

Let’s take a look at why keeping track of your hydration is one of the simplest and most effective things you can do for your mental health.

WHY HYDRATION IS SO IMPORTANT FOR OUR MENTAL HEALTH How exactly does hydration help our mental health? Well firstly, much of our brain is actually made up of water, so when we’re in a state of dehydration, our cognitive performance is affected.

Studies have shown that just being dehydrated by 2% impairs things like memory and focusing on your daily tasks.

Because of this, reducing water intake can lower your mood too,

xxxxxxxxxxxx

since dehydration creates a stressor on the body – and may also impact mood-boosting hormones such as serotonin, that are found in our brain.

“Dehydration causes brain functioning to slow down and can impede serotonin production, as well as increase stress hormones, and that can contribute to making your mental health worse,” explains Claire Elmes, an emotional wellbeing consultant. “It can lead to lower energy, increased mood volatility, and poor concentration, exacerbating pre-existing symptoms, and leading to further discomfort.”

Another study found that those who reduced their water intake increased their thirst, which led to a decrease in positive emotions such as calmness and feeling content.

In turn, those who had low levels of water and increased it, reported improved fatigue and an improvement in their mood when waking up at the start of the day. Clear evidence that not getting enough water could be one potential reason behind low moods and feelings of fatigue and low energy.

WHY YOU MIGHT BE AT RISK OF DEHYDRATION As well as understanding the importance of hydration, let’s talk about why you may be at risk of dehydration – particularly if you are dealing with mental

Dehydration causes brain functioning to slow down and can impede serotonin production, as well as increase stress hormones, and that can contribute to making your mental health worse

health conditions such as anxiety and depression. One reason for this is that your mental health could be impacting your sleep patterns, which brings with it an increased dehydration risk.

Studies have shown that those who sleep for a shorter period of time each night, are more likely to be dehydrated.

This can sometimes create a vicious cycle: since we struggle to get enough sleep, we’re likely to be low on energy and reach for things like coffee and energy drinks to get us through the day.

However, caffeine is also a known diuretic; this means it often increases your need to urinate

after you drink it. Because of this, we lose more fluids through urination, meaning we need to drink even more water to compensate for this loss.

Alcohol works in a similar way, so it’s also worth bearing this in mind. While it doesn’t mean you can never drink coffee and alcohol, it’s definitely worth drinking extra water to balance things out.

Finally, it’s worth considering that those with low moods might find it more challenging to track and keep on top of their fluid levels – something that’s really important in avoiding dehydration. >>>

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“When you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems, it can be incredibly difficult to maintain a routine, and keep up healthy habits, like drinking plenty of water throughout the day,” explains Claire Elmes. “You may be preoccupied, forget, or lack the energy or will to look after yourself and nourish your body.”

HOW TO MAINTAIN GOOD HYDRATION HABITS The first thing that’s important is to understand the signs of dehydration, since some people don’t even realise they’re dehydrated. These include increased thirst, dry mouth, constipation, fatigue, and headaches. Some people also keep an eye on their urine when they go to the loo. Your urine should be a pale yellow; the darker it gets, the more likely you’ll need more water.

Don’t forget to consider energy levels, too. Nutritionist Uta Boellinger says: “If you’re feeling tired and struggling to concentrate, it can be a sign of dehydration. And your skin is also a good indication, especially dry, cracked lips which signal a lack of hydration.”

It’s also worth figuring out the right amount of water for you.

We’re told eight glasses a day, but some people may need more than this – for example, those who exercise frequently or drink coffee regularly.

Create healthy habits to ensure you drink regularly: this could be setting hourly reminders on your phone, or using a water tracker bottle. Don’t forget that 72 | November 2021 | happiful.com

it doesn’t have to be just water you focus on. Your food intake may count towards your water intake too, with water-rich foods including watermelon, cucumber, and lettuce. In turn, if you find it tricky to drink plain water, adding fresh fruit or cordial can make it more palatable.

If it’s the case of just forgetting to drink enough, try to take steps to force the habit initially.

“Something I often suggest is to have a glass or bottle by your bed in the morning, so it naturally becomes the first thing you do,” says Claire Elmes. “Or make sure you always have a glass of water with a meal. By implementing these small changes to encourage yourself to drink more water, they can eventually become habitual (it can take up to a month, so don’t give up!) and you may notice slight improvements in your dayto-day functioning and mood, and your ability to manage your mental health.”

It’s clear that getting enough water each day is a simple yet effective habit that supports your physical and mental health.

Keeping track of your intake,

drinking regularly, and looking out for the signs of dehydration, can be a great way to make sure you stay hydrated and reap the benefits of a glass of water.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Claire Elmes is a therapist and life coach specialising in balance.

Uta Boellinger is a registered nutritional therapist specialising in fertility and hormonal balance.

Find a professional to support you on the Happiful app.

positive pointers

Decoding dreams

The world becomes a lot wider when we sleep, so who better to speak to than Athena Laz – author, counselling psychologist, fourthgeneration intuitive, and dream teacher – to discover how we can access our inner psyche, and delve into lucid dreaming Writing | Lucy Donoughue

T

he night before I speak to Athena Laz, I have a dream that terrifies me. In it, I’m trying to read and simultaneously record an audio piece, but everything that comes out of my mouth is complete nonsense. I try over and over again, with people gathered around me looking on in dismay.

Upon reflection, it’s no coincidence that this dream happens just a week before an event where I’m due to speak on stage. I thought I was fine; appropriately nervous but ready.

Maybe my dream was telling me otherwise?

Despite waking up in a sweat at the thought of being unable to speak in front of people, I’m completely reassured by my conversation with Athena the following day, and I begin to process the messages that my subconscious seems to be sharing with me.

“All your dreams, images, and symbols – even the ones that feel scary – are very helpful,” Athena explains kindly. “It’s being able to look at your dreams with a lens that recognises if they are scary but helpful, what could they possibly mean? In doing that, the answers will come.”

Athena is clearly passionate about passing on the knowledge and power that working with our dreams affords us, and has recently published her first book, The Alchemy of Your Dreams: A Modern Guide to the Ancient Art of Lucid Dreaming and Interpretation, a beautiful bundle of knowledge and inspiration for anyone, like me, wanting to delve deeper when it comes to what we ‘see’ when we’re asleep.

Here, Athena shares what a dream teacher does, and how you can proactively start to work with your own dreams. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 73

Hear the full interview l’s with Athena on Happifu ’. ve ha I . am podcast ‘I

What is a dream teacher? A

dream teacher is someone who helps guide other people towards their own inner world, and the messages that we all receive nightly through our dreams. For me, it’s exciting because I get to work with literally thousands of people who come to discover what their dreams mean, and then take their dream practice one step further through lucid dreaming.

You suggest that journaling about dreams can help us to connect with our inner world? Dream journaling is such a good pathway for starting to work with your dreams. If you can write down even a couple of your dreams each week, and do that consistently, you’ll shift the relationship you have with yourself. It’s incredibly transformational work.

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By writing dreams down, you’ll be able to look back at repetitive themes, symbols, or fears that come up. It’s hard to dismiss when they’re written there in black and white!

The only way to really approach those dreams is instinctively, because only you will know why that dream is important for you.

So honour the inner guidance the memory of the dream provides.

What about working with past dreams? Maybe a significant dream we had that we still remember? If a

You write about lucid dreaming, can you tell us what that is? A lucid dream

past dream feels big to you, it’s very helpful to look at why that is.

I feel that the dreams that move us, shake us, and stay with us for years are deeply meaningful.

is a dream in which your body is still sound asleep, but in the dream state you recognise that you’re dreaming. Say, for example, you dream that you’re in a family member’s

positive pointers

house and you walk outside and there’s a pool. In your mind, you remember that they don’t have a pool, which triggers a recognition that the event isn’t happening and that you’re dreaming. In that split second you go from being unconscious in your dream, to being aware and awake in a lucid dream.

Lucid dreaming is so incredible because it offers you a view of your inner psyche with awareness, which is something you can’t always achieve in your waking life.

Why is waking mindfulness so important for dreaming?

The more mindful you become in your waking life, the easier it is to lucid dream. You’re so acquainted with the present moment that when you’re dreaming it becomes easier to recognise when something is out of place, which triggers lucidity.

If you can ground yourself in a dream, you can go on to work with your dreams in a really profound way. Mindfulness is so incredible, and everyone should try to practise it in a way that feels good for them.

What practices help you?

I wake up in the morning, I meditate for a minimum of five minutes, and I freewrite, after I’ve done my dream journaling.

If I feel overwhelmed or slightly off, I’ll try to get to nature. I’ll walk barefoot and feel the earth beneath my feet, and I find that incredibly helpful.

These are all things that don’t cost anything apart from our time

Athena on sleep and dreaming • How you prepare to sleep is very important. Disconnect from technology, and go to your bed with calm and peaceful thoughts.

• Create a sacred space around your sleep, something you treat as rewarding.

• Go to sleep at the same time each night. This can be very beneficial for dreaming.

and attention. In a world that’s clamouring for our attention, they’ve actually become our own prized commodities, and ones we should protect.

You have a background in both psychology and dream teaching. How do they work together? I’m at the intersection of psychology and spirituality, and I don’t dismiss or elevate one above the other. Dismissing either, in my belief, isn’t helpful when it comes to real wholeness and real wellbeing. Our psyches and inner worlds are deep and vast, and being able to explore them is wonderful, but it does require effort and skill, so that’s how my work and experience come together.

What would you say to anyone looking to start working with their dreams?

Remember that your mind knows you, so it’s speaking to you in a way you will get. You’ve got this

• In the morning, try not to physically move your body at first. This will give you a few seconds to replay your dream and help you to store it in your long-term memory.

• Write down your dream. If you’re pushed for time, just jot down symbols or images. This will evoke the memory of your dream when you have more time to journal properly.

incredible source of wisdom, guidance, solutions, and at times a type of very upfront reckoning that you have to go through, but it’s all to feel better, and be better.

Finally, understand that your dreams are working for you, not against you. Your dreams are offering you another way.

Athena Laz’s book, ‘The Alchemy of Your Dreams: A Modern Guide to the Ancient Art of Lucid Dreaming and Interpretation’ (Yellow Kite, £14.99), is out now.

Her new book ‘The Deliberate Dreamer’s’ Journal will be available from 9 November. Visit athenalaz.com or @athena_laz to find out more. happiful.com | November 2021 | 75

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

November

From learning about our emotions to taking time to catch up with friends in cosy settings, we share 10 things to do this November

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Chester Literature Festival

One of the longest running literature festivals in the UK, Chester Literature Festival is a three-week long programme of events, performances, and conversations. From Giovanna Fletcher’s novels, to Susie Dent’s way with words, there’s something for everyone.

(From 6–20 November, visit storyhouse.com/literature to find out more)

1

PAGE-TURNERS Atlas of the Heart

by Brené Brown As a TED Talk legend, five-time number one bestselling author, and research professor, Brené Brown offers a new book to help us find our way back to ourselves. Brené’s latest offering delves into the emotions and experiences that make us human, and those that enable us to make connections with others.

(Out 30 November, Vermilion, £20.00)

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PUT ON A SHOW

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘The Way We Are’ with Munroe Bergdorf

For many of us, the past can have a big impact on the present and on the future. Writer and activist Munroe Bergdorf speaks openly with guests about their remarkable stories of turning trauma into triumph, and how they have learned to celebrate who they are, and who they will become. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

OUT AND ABOUT Pottery cafes

As autumn takes hold of the weather, indoor activities are back on the agenda. Pottery cafes provide a great way to catch up with friends, get your muscles moving, and leave with a homemade ornament, all within a few hours. Shape the clay into a simple vase, or a highly decorative bowl to take pride of place on a shelf or table at home. (Search ‘pottery cafe’ to find a location near you)

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5

PLUGGED-IN @natgeo

Learning about new places can be a great way to encourage creativity, and to think about plans for the future.

National Geographic’s Instagram account is the perfect place to explore the world without ever leaving your home. Celebrating the beauty in both familiar sights and hidden wonders, the pictures will add some adventure to your feed.

(Follow @natgeo on Instagram)

culture

6

TECH TIP-OFFS Daylio Journal

Recognising how you’re feeling at any given time, and what may have impacted this, can be a great way to learn about yourself and the activities you should be engaging in.

The Daylio app offers a digital bullet journal to track your mood, health, and routine, at the click of a button. (Download from the App Store or Google Play)

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Mantel Positivity pack | mindandfull.co.uk

World Kindness Day

Kindness can go a long way. Think about how lovely it can be when a friend, loved one, or even a stranger does something unexpected for you.

World Kindness Day acts as a great reminder to be kind to those around us; you never know how even a smile can make somebody’s day. (13 November, visit kindness.org for more information on kindness)

SQUARE EYES Ghostbusters: Afterlife

After being delayed from the summer, the release of Ghostbusters: Afterlife will go ahead this November with a star-studded cast including Captain Marvel’s McKenna Grace and Stranger Things star Finn Wolfhard.

Director Jason Reitman will take over from his father, Ivan Reitman, who directed the first two films, and will see the film return to some of the iconic settings. (In cinemas from 19 November)

8

THE CONVERSATION

10

GET GOING Paddleboarding

Cold water can be a great way to reduce stress and relieve anxiety. Getting out using a paddleboard can act as a great compromise if swimming is a little far from your comfort zone. With different positions for varying levels of difficulty, anyone can get involved with the sport, and reap the rewards.

(Search ‘paddleboarding’ to find a board hire, or coach near you)

TREAT YOURSELF Mantel Positivity Pack

Some days positivity comes easily, while on others it’s more challenging to encourage yourself and feel optimistic. Mantel’s Positivity Packs are a great source of support on those days where you feel yourself struggling, or can be extra motivation when you’re ready for a great day. Each card focuses on different areas of wellbeing, and is a wonderful way to start a conversation with yourself. (Visit onthemantel.com)

WIN!

Win a Mantel Positivity Pack For your chance to win a Mantel Positivity Pack worth £24.99, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com To show gratitude is to be? a) Frustrated

b) Thankful

c) Unsure

*Competition closes 18 November 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | November 2021 | 77

Breaking the ‘masculinity’ mould

It’s time to take down toxic masculinity for good; here we explore a healthier, more flexible alternative that can aid coping and wellbeing Writing | Jason Spendelow

T

he winds of social change have blown in a plethora of views on what masculinity should look like in modern society. These different perspectives can cause confusion; should I be stoic or emotionally expressive, the drill sergeant or the shoulder to cry on? This lack of clarity can cause confusion when coping with one’s own psychological distress.

What coping responses will be acceptable in the eyes of others? Within this vacuum, some may be persuaded by ‘toxic’ forms of masculinity that typically advocate suppression of emotion, and maintaining a ‘tough guy’ persona.

Toxic masculinities are totally inflexible, with no tolerance for script deviations. But toxic masculinities are also largely unobtainable. Beyond Hollywood, you are very unlikely to see a guy get beaten up, and still manage to pin down the criminal mastermind, deliver a legendary one-liner, then make out with the bestlooking woman in town.

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Most men might attempt to score ‘man points’ in a less cinematic way, usually through minimisation, avoidance, and denial of psychological difficulties. This restricted use of coping strategies is bad for wellbeing. However, men caught in a narrowly defined definition of masculinity are discouraged from being flexible in their coping efforts. A ‘man-up’ strategy invariably increases the chances of becoming a man-down.

A flexible alternative

Instead of debating what constitutes the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ set of masculinity characteristics, men (and society as a whole) may benefit from a more flexible approach. Flexible masculinity moves away from this unhelpful debate by encouraging men to identify valued characteristics (in relation to their gender/ masculine identity), and then define them in broad terms. This can involve a reinterpretation of existing definitions – ‘independence’ can move from ‘not seeking help from anyone’ to ‘relying on one’s own skills

where possible and working with others when needed to upskill in relevant coping strategies’.

It is not about telling men that they are wrong in their existing definitions, but instead widening perspectives to encourage more flexible coping. Such flexibility is important because psychological flexibility leads to enhanced wellbeing, as reported in Clinical Psychology Review. Conversely, a study in the American Journal of Men’s Health suggests staunch adherence to a rigid brand of toxic masculinity can lead to negative psychological outcomes.

The identification of valued qualities can be achieved in many ways. One method is to complete a values card-sorting exercise, where you organise a series of values to clarify those most important to your life (a Google search will produce a list of templates). Another method is to think about what makes a ‘good’ versus ‘real man’ (as suggested by sociologist Michael Kimmel).

This exercise can help you to distinguish unhelpful or less important attributes from more meaningful values. Alternatively,

Mo s t m e n a t t e mp t t o s c o re ‘m a n p o i n t s’ t h ro u g h m i n i m i s a t i o n , avo i d a n c e , a n d d e n i a l o f p s ych o l o g i c a l diff iculties the ‘gravestone’ exercise can be used to consider how you would most want to be remembered by others.

The relationship with emotional expression

There is an understandable tendency to suppress painful emotional experiences, no matter who you are. Men drawn in by toxic masculinities may be further driven to minimise these emotions to live up to restricted definitions of key attributes like strength, resilience, and self-control. These attempts to mute unpleasant feelings are sometimes referred to as ‘experiential avoidance’. A more flexible interpretation would view these emotions as uncomfortable but important signals from the brain, which convey information about our psychological state, and only through paying attention can we understand and effectively manage them. Strength and resilience in this context might be reinterpreted as facing up to unpleasant experiences, and learning new coping strategies. >>>

Applying flexibility to difficult emotions involves both a mindset change, and techniques to investigate feelings. Mindfulness is an increasingly popular activity, where the intention is to notice our internal states in an inquisitive, non-judgemental way.

Instead of living by the belief that difficult emotions are to be suppressed, we can study the way they are experienced in the body.

We can also learn about these emotions by describing their components, namely physical/ bodily sensations (e.g. muscle tightness), thoughts (‘I can’t cope’), and behaviour (leaving an anxiety-provoking situation).

Anything we can do to objectively focus on, and examine, difficult emotions has the potential to move away from avoidance, and towards increased flexibility.

A m o re fl e x i b l e i n t e r p re t a t i o n wo u l d view these emotions as u n c o m fo r t a b l e b u t i mp o r t a n t s i g n a l s f ro m t h e b ra i n

assertiveness, competitiveness).

Flexible masculinity can also be pursued via metaphors that support pro-wellbeing thinking: “Put on your own oxygen mask first by seeking help when needed,” or “Changing gear to suit the terrain.”

Specific thoughts that encourage toxic masculinity (“I must ignore my distress to be a real man”) can be directly challenged in a variety of ways. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself when inflexible thoughts arise:

Flexibility and difficult thoughts

We can respond to emotional avoidance urges by ‘normalising’ uncomfortable feelings, and reminding ourselves they are an unavoidable part of life.

This illustrates the use of flexible thinking to promote our wellbeing. Broadening and re-interpreting valued masculine characteristics is another core means by which we can utilise flexible masculinity.

By questioning and challenging long-held assumptions about how men ‘should’ behave, we can come off autopilot and start to explore the usefulness of existing worldviews. I recently 80 | November 2021 | happiful.com

worked with a client who sought help for anger management. He had been interpreting anger as failed self-control, and responded by attempting to suppress this emotion. He worked to redefine self-control as ‘effective responses to difficult emotions’ (rather than elimination of these emotions) and was able to approach anger in a more helpful way.

You can apply this technique to any number of masculine traits characterised by a narrow, inflexible definition (e.g. courage,

• How helpful is this thought in promoting flexible masculinity and positive coping? If the answer is “not helpful”, then consider what might constitute a more helpful thought (e.g. ‘I can be a role model by understanding and positively managing distress’).

• What is the evidence that this thought is accurate?

If, on balance, the thought appears to be inaccurate, you can brainstorm more flexible alternatives – such as ‘Being a man involves far more than how I handle distress.’

relationships

• What are the wellbeing pros and cons of buying into this thought? This is a form of costbenefit analysis where you can look at the wellbeing value a thought provides.

• What would a good man (rather than a ‘real’ man) say in response to this thought?

This question encourages you to take a different perspective on thinking that is better aligned with your own values.

Acting flexibly

Flexible masculinity is of limited use if applied only to our thoughts. Flexibility should also be developed through behaviour.

One straightforward technique is to look for examples of different forms of masculinity, taking note of instances where men directly go against the grain of toxic masculinity and act flexibly.

Researchers have reported males of different ages and social circumstances who have broken free from rigidly prescribed masculinities – ranging from American teenagers to older adult Portuguese men. Once identified, you can consider how you can exhibit key values in different ways. You can experiment with small behaviour changes initially to manage (understandable) anxiety that can arise when changing how you act (e.g. ask a distressed person to describe their emotions rather than saying “you’ll be fine”).

Go back to your description of a ‘good’ man as an alternative approach. How can you express

this form of masculinity and be a positive role model to others?

Looking ahead

We need to abandon the search for a ‘correct’ masculinity template. Men have different values, and this should be represented in the idea that multiple masculinities exist in society. However, some forms of masculinity are toxic and restrict efforts to cope with psychological distress. Flexible masculinity can be a positive response to restrictive, toxic brands of masculinity which

harm our wellbeing. Rather than getting tied up by a narrow view of how you should be, you can focus on additional ways you can live life and respond to challenges. Identifying values can be a launching pad for flexible masculinity which, in turn, may lead to a better life for yourself and those you care about.

Jason Spendelow is a coaching and clinical psychologist with more than 15 years’ experience. He currently works with clients online and inperson through his practice based in Surrey. Visit jasonspendelow.com happiful.com | November 2021 | 81

THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

SHAHROO IZADI

DR LOUISE NEWSON

GRACE VICTORY

DAVID HAREWOOD

ATHENA LAZ MEGAN CRABBE

HASSAN FIONAAKKAD LAMB

• Listen • Share • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Dr Louise Newson, David Harewood, Athena Laz, Hassan Akkad and many others, who share their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

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Photography: David Harewood | Films of Record, Hassan Akkad | Manuel Vazquez

I am. I have

food & health

Is my IBS triggered by salt?

We investigate the connection between irritable bowel syndrome, and our penchant for salt Writing | Katie Hoare

H

ow many times have you sat down at your computer and turned to Dr Google? It’s a rabbit hole I’ve found myself falling down more times than I can count. When you’re struggling with ongoing, unpleasant symptoms and a diagnosis that lacks a clear cause, it’s common to turn to a quick internet search to seek instant relief, advice, and information. But so often these searches can be a minefield of misinformation that induces more panic and confusion.

For many people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), this is their reality. It can be difficult to get your head around a medical diagnosis, particularly when the cause is yet to be determined – which is common in many cases of IBS because, as registered

nutritionist Charlotte Turner says, IBS is “multifactorial”.

“What we do know from research is that stress, anxiety, diet, and possibly our genetics could mean that we’re more predisposed to having the condition. So it’s not just one thing, unfortunately,” Charlotte explains. “Less common causes include mental health, stress, and potentially sleep, which can all play a role in our general health, and gut health in particular. It’s always not just as simple as what you might have eaten.”

SALT AND IBS So why am I talking about salt, when IBS can be impacted by more than just food? Well, in the past year more than 250 people sought the help of Happiful’s sister site Nutritionist

Resource for ‘salt and IBS’, so if you’ve been trawling over what could cause your IBS flare ups, you’re not alone – and it’s true that a high salt diet may be a contributing factor.

Salt can actually affect many different bodily functions that have been linked to IBS flare ups.

For example, a recent study in the journal Nature determined that a high-salt diet can kill off a type of good gut bacteria, lactobacillus, which has been linked to a decrease in anxiety and stress levels. So if we’re continually consuming salty foods, it could leave us feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious – and stress is known to be a common trigger for IBS. But, is salt the definitive factor in your IBS flare ups? Let’s take a closer look. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 83

PROCESSED FOODS IBS is a complex condition, and instant relief may not always be realistic. However, we do know that salt is part of a wider contribution towards IBS flare ups, so it could be helpful to understand and, in turn, reduce your daily salt intake.

“Let’s start by saying that foods high in salt tend to be highly processed, as salt is usually added to products to increase their shelf life,” Charlotte explains. “Highly processed foods are often high in fat, sugar, and low in fibre – which is why we cannot just say it’s just salt that is the cause, as we also know that a diet low in fibre and high in fat, sugar, and salt is not as beneficial to our gut health as a more balanced diet with plenty of plant diversity.”

DEHYDRATION “Another factor is that high salt diets cause us to be dehydrated,” says Charlotte. “If you don’t have enough water in your body, the large intestine soaks up water from your food waste, making the process of moving food waste 84 | November 2021 | happiful.com

through your bowel slow and hard to pass, meaning we become constipated.”

Those with IBS will likely be well aware that constipation is a common complaint of sufferers.

For adults in the UK, the NHS recommends eating no more than

6g of salt per day (that’s just one teaspoon), and even less for children.

Charlotte says that on average adults are actually consuming almost double that daily guideline, eating approximately 10g per day.

food & health

If we’re continually consuming salty foods, it could leave us feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious – and stress is known to be a common trigger for IBS “Most of the salt we consume is eaten in convenience and processed foods, restaurant foods, and takeaways,” says Charlotte. And you might be unaware that you’re eating an excessive amount of salt as often foods (even marketed as healthy) contain added salt to enhance their flavour. So to start, it’s helpful to understand how salt is labelled on foods, which is often as ‘sodium’. For a food to be considered low in salt, it needs to contain no more than 0.3g of salt or 0.1g sodium. Medium to high salt foods contain 0.3g–1.5g of salt, or 0.1g–0.6g of sodium.

SYMPTOMS OF A HIGH SALT INTAKE If you regularly experience some of the following, you may be eating a high salt diet: • Frequent mild headaches • Constantly craving salty foods • Find plain or bland food unappealing • Persistent thirst • Chapped lips • Puffiness or bloating

It’s important to note that these symptoms aren’t exclusive to high salt intake, and you should always contact your GP if you recognise these symptoms as they are similar to a number of medical conditions.

But if you know your diet often consists of convenience foods, Charlotte offers four nutritional recommendations that can be helpful in combating salt-related IBS flare-ups: • Drink at least six to eight glasses of water per day.

• Have two to three servings of vegetables at lunch and dinner.

• Limit salt consumption to under 6 grams per day.

• Add a base of fibre-rich wholegrains to each of your meals per day.

So, how does salt intake affect IBS? As Charlotte says, it depends! “What we know is that high salt intake isn’t the sole cause of IBS, but certainly having a diet high in salt isn’t helping your gut health, or your IBS symptoms.

“Often making these small changes may help to reduce your symptoms – but if not, please reach out to a registered dietitian or registered nutritionist (RNutr) for dietary support.”

If you have been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and are looking for personalised support to help ease unpleasant symptoms, Nutritionist Resource lists more than 600 nutrition professionals. You can find a professional who’s right for you via our Happiful app.

Charlotte Turner is a nutritionist specialising in gut health and women’s health. For more information visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 85

5 ways to help a friend who is in a mental health crisis It’s always hard to see a friend in distress, so, here, we’re exploring the steps you can take to be there for them during difficult times Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

W

hen a close friend is having a mental health crisis, it’s understandable to feel an array of powerful emotions such as fear, shock, confusion, or sadness. Perhaps they have been hospitalised because they are not safe or able to manage right now, or they are now working closely with a mental health team.

Regardless of the type of mental health difficulties, or exact details of the situation, here – with help from counsellor Thalia Joyner – we share five tips for supporting a friend in crisis.

1. Adopt a curious, non-judgmental stance

One of the most impactful things you can do for a friend in crisis is to keep a flexible and open mind. Under stress, our brains tend to fill in the gaps about what ‘certainly’ happened in the past, or what will ‘definitely’ happen in the future. Being aware that thoughts may not be facts – especially during upsetting situations – can remind you to seek more information before jumping to conclusions.

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Take care not to ‘armchair’ diagnose a friend, or formulate an ‘origin story’ for their difficulties based on your knowledge of their history and current circumstances.

2. Listen fully

When your friend is expressing themselves, listen as fully as you can. Take the pressure off yourself, and remember you don’t need to have a perfectly formed response.

It’s OK to say you need a moment to think before replying.

Communicating with a friend in crisis can be emotionally charged, as a mental health crisis tends to be an intense situation.

Remind yourself that they may be distressed and uncomfortable, so may do or say things that they wouldn’t usually.

Although you are likely to need time, space, and support to process what is happening, please know that your friend probably needs friendship right now more than ever before.

3. Know what help you can and can’t offer

It is understandable to feel powerless, frustrated, or guilty.

As much as you may wish to, it is not your responsibility to remove your friend’s pain, solve their problems, or make everything ‘better’. A person experiencing a mental health crisis is likely to need a team of support, involving multiple professionals, and/or organisations.

It is helpful to plan what kind of, and how much, help you can offer your friend. As counsellor Thalia Joyner explains: “Your wellbeing is important too; it can be really hard and upsetting watching someone you care about go through a difficult time and not knowing what to do. Be clear on what you can manage and what you can’t, with yourself and the person you care about.”

Delivering a card to a friend in hospital, sending a ‘thinking of you’ text, or sharing space in silence, can be thoughtful ways of showing care. Practical help such as looking after pets, childcare, shopping, or cleaning can be invaluable, too. As Thalia suggests: “Ask a friend, do they need help planning easy meals, finding information, support or making a phone call for them.”

4. Communicate clearly, but gently

Once you know what support you can offer, tell your friend when you are available and by what means. Where possible, communicate your boundaries during a calm time, rather than in the heat of the moment. If your friend experiences multiple periods of crisis, consider making a plan with them in advance.

As people in crisis may be feeling vulnerable, ashamed, or worthless, stating your boundaries with kind words and gentle explanations can bring untold comfort.

5. Learn about stigma

Although attitudes towards some mental health difficulties are improving, stigma continues – especially for conditions such as personality disorders, dissociative identity disorder, schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorder.

If a friend tells you about the discrimination they have faced, listen and believe them.

Understand that accessing timely and relevant professional support is not always

Ta k e t h e p r e s s u r e o f f yourself, and remember you don’t need to have a perfectly formed response

straightforward, and that some groups, such as LGBTQ+ people or ethnic minority groups, face multiple forms of discrimination and barriers. Validate your friend if they are facing stigma, as this can help them to feel seen and alleviate any isolation.

A genuine friendship may be one of the closest, most consistent and fulfilling connections many of us have in our lives, making friends uniquely placed to offer support. While a crisis can evoke intense emotions, with clear communication and a little self-care, a true friendship can emerge stronger than it ever was before.

Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media Award-winning blogger and author of ‘Talking About BPD: A Stigma-Free Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with Borderline Personality Disorder’.

Thalia Joyner is a counsellor who helps to create a supportive and non-judgemental space. For more, visit counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 87

“I’ve decided to beat the winter blues away by moving every day with RED January.”

REDer, Natasha Join thousands of people across the UK this January by moving every day, your way, to boost your mental wellbeing.

Sign up at redtogether.co.uk 88 | November 2021 | happiful.com

relationships

Are you living in an apology cycle?

The word ‘sorry’ can lose all meaning when it becomes a habit, or when it’s used to clean the slate without dealing with the underlying issues. So, it’s time we reviewed our relationship with apologies – you won’t be sorry Writing | Susan Leigh

M

any of us use the word ‘sorry’ frequently throughout the day.

Even when we’re innocent, when someone else has bumped into us or made a mistake, we may find that we’re the one apologising.

It can become an automatic response, said without thinking.

But when the word ‘sorry’ becomes a habit, it can ultimately reflect badly on us, and start to convey the impression of

someone who’s careless, timid, accident-prone, over-cautious, or anxious to avoid confrontation at any cost. Tune-in to those times when you typically apologise, and notice what’s going on. Are you showing yourself in a good light?

There may be circumstances where we find ourselves quickly apologising if someone is rude, or badly behaved, towards us. Did we cause it, are we in some way to blame, what might happen if we don’t defuse the situation?

Likewise, it can be all too easy to slip into an apology cycle, where one person behaves in a brash, quick-tempered way whenever they feel triggered. Afterwards, they may well feel bad as they reflect on the hurt they’ve caused.

An apology may follow, which will, no doubt, be sincere, and even accompanied by promises to change, as they deliver a gift or offer to do the chores for a week.

If accepted, the matter’s deemed closed, until the next time. >>> happiful.com | November 2021 | 89

But, might it be helpful to start paying more attention at these times, and reflect on our automatic default response – especially if we realise that we’re regularly apologetic when we’ve nothing to be sorry for? What drives an apology, what prompts us to become regretful about a perceived offence? Or behave increasingly atrociously, knowing that an apology will wipe the slate clean?

A very sorry cycle

If bad behaviour is followed by either person apologising and demonstrating remorse, both may feel relief that the crisis is over 90 | November 2021 | happiful.com

When a relationship devolves into an unhelpful cycle of apologising, both sides need to take ownership.

They’re both complicit in allowing the situation to continue.

When one person struggles to express themselves, it may be because they’ve been on the receiving end of bad treatment, perhaps dating back to childhood.

They may have never seen others resolve their issues, or been encouraged to work through problems, or discuss thoughts and feelings. Anger or frustration may have manifested as they let off steam, or coped with the build-up of stress; often followed by guilt, shame, and remorse.

If they’re someone who goes mute in tense situations, that can cause the environment to become destructive and frustrating. Fear of confrontation is a big issue for many people. Being with someone who behaves badly, or treats them in a hurtful way, can trigger apprehension about the consequences of answering back or disagreeing. Will it be followed by anger, signal the end

relationships

of the relationship, or will they be blamed? If bad behaviour is followed by either person apologising and demonstrating remorse, both may feel relief that the crisis is over.

points of view were discussed, and reconciled. Counselling or therapy can improve self-awareness in these situations.

Finding your voice

It’s not a case of never apologising, but simply returning true meaning and intention to that word

In some households, days of ‘silent treatment’ follow a disagreement, unless a grovelling apology is issued. There can be a ‘here we go again’ acceptance once the cycle is established, but knowing that tensions end once an apology is said, and that things return to normal, can be good enough, even though nothing has been resolved.

Any underlying issues have yet again been brushed away, no doubt to resurface in the future.

If anything is ever going to change into a more adult, equal relationship, both sides have to acknowledge their part in this cycle. Knowing that they’ll ‘get away’ with bad behaviour by issuing a few words of appeasement can mean that there are no consequences. However harsh, anything may be said or done when followed by a ‘sorry’.

For things to change, the person on the receiving end has to find their voice and stand up for themselves, have opinions, and be firm. Tolerating bad treatment gives tacit permission for the situation to continue.

Some personal work may be needed to resolve the cycle, to reflect on what past relationship role models were like, what was deemed normal and acceptable, how disagreements and opposing

How to break the emotional link or trigger to apologise: • If those early years were fraught – where home or school involved arguing, bullying, or constant tension – remaining silent, keeping the peace, and being quick to apologise may have been deemed the safest option. Any hint of criticism or aggression was felt to be best remedied by a heartfelt apology, the promise to improve, or an offer to do ‘penance’.

It may be that others were regarded as more intelligent, sporty, attractive, rich, worldly-wise, or of a higher social standing, which can be daunting, and mean that an apology is readily delivered whenever there’s the slightest hint of others being irritated or inconvenienced. Working to recognise one’s own skills, talents and successes, perhaps

through therapy or mixing with supportive, like-minded people, can help to heal self-doubt and improve both confidence and self-belief.

• But equally, while apologising may be regarded by others as a sign of weakness, an admission that we’re flawed or imperfect, saying sorry if we’re in the wrong is often viewed as a positive step, and a sign of strength. Many people respect a person who has the self-confidence and integrity to hold their hand up, admit that they’re wrong, and apologise.

• The important thing here is to understand why you’re saying sorry. It’s not a case of never apologising or holding yourself accountable, but simply returning true meaning and intention to that word, and using apologies in a healthier way. Moving into a more mutually respectful relationship allows the pattern of apology cycles to break, which includes finding more positive ways to say sorry – the when, how, and why.

Susan Leigh is a counsellor and hypnotherapist. Find Susan, along with more information and support, on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | November 2021 | 91

3 3 breathing exercises to reduce anxiety

A deep breath can work wonders for your wellbeing, so to help you get into this beneficial practice, we share three intentional breathing techniques that can help soothe stressed minds, and induce calm Writing | Rebecca Thair

Pursed lip breathing

This technique is all about taking your time and being intentional with every breath. Slowing down your breathing can be particularly helpful for those who experience shortness of breath, by regaining control and making every breath more effective. By taking these mindful, deep, slow breaths you can help to calm your nervous system as well.

• Start by relaxing your body, especially any tension in your neck and shoulders. You may choose to try this sitting comfortably, or lying down.

92 | November 2021 | happiful.com

• With your mouth closed, inhale slowly through your nose for the count of two. Try to ensure your belly is rising with the intake of breath, rather than just your chest.

• Position your lips as if you were about to whistle.

• Release the breath slowly through your pursed lips for the count of four.

• Practise this a few times a day to get into the rhythm of it, and in time you may want to increase the count you inhale for – but always try to ensure the exhale is longer.

try this at home

Humming bee breath (bhramari) This exercise comes from a pranayama yoga technique with the aim to induce calm, and is believed to particularly help with tension heachaches. The one thing to note is this does involve making a sound out loud (named for the gentle humming of a bee) – so it might be better reserved for use in private, unless you feel confident and comfortable doing it in front of others.

• Get yourself into a comfortable seated position, and, when ready, close your eyes.

• Put your first fingers on the bone between your cheek and ear, just above the ear canal (the tragus cartilage), on each side of your head.

• Inhale deeply.

• As you exhale, gently press your fingers against the bones on both sides of your head.

• Keep your mouth closed and allow yourself to release a humming sound with the each of the breaths.

• The sound you make doesn’t have to be a specific pitch, but it’s believed that a higher note will reap more benefits.

• Repeat for three of four cycles until you feel soothed.

Alternate nostril breathing Another pranayama technique, this exercise is believed to help with lowering your heart rate and, in turn, encouraging relaxation, as well as potentially improving your cardiovascular function – but it may be best to avoid if you have a cold or are feeling under the weather.

The idea is to promote balance in the body, with the rhythmic breathing of the left and right sides, helping to quiet the mind and induce calm.

• Sit down comfortably in a quiet, undisturbed spot.

• Lift your right hand in front of your face, and gently rest both your first and middle fingers down on to the bridge of your nose between the eyebrows.

• Leaving your remaining fingers extended, the thumb

•

•

•

• • •

•

should fall on the right hand side, and your pinky and fourth finger on the left of your nose.

Exhale, and then gently use your right thumb to close your right nostril.

Inhale through the open left nostril, then close this with your pinky and ring fingers.

Remove your thumb from the right nostril, to allow yourself to exhale through it.

Now inhale through this right nostril, and close it again.

Move the fingers closing your left nostril to exhale from here.

This is considered one cycle of the breathing exercise. Repeat this pattern for several minutes and notice how you feel.

You should conclude the exercise by exhaling from the left nostril. happiful.com | November 2021 | 93

I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will CHARLOTTE BRONTË, JANE EYRE Photography | Mart Production

94 | November 2021 | happiful.com

true story

A lifetime of challenges Maddie Trueman has defied the odds all her life, with doctors unsure how long she would live due to her cerebral palsy. But this year she survived an operation, not to mention the pandemic, and celebrated a milestone birthday with loved ones Writing | Maddie Trueman

M

y name is Madelaine, or ‘Maddie’.

I grew up on a small family farm in rural Nottinghamshire.

I have a sister and two brothers (Margaret, Michael and Jamie), I love parties (especially weddings), I am a Taurus, my favourite colour is red, and I never say no to a bit of Baileys. I also have cerebral palsy and ‘moderate learning disability’.

Cerebral palsy is something I have lived with my whole life. Along with my learning disability, it means that a lot of things are harder for me to do than other people. When I was younger my mother looked after me – I miss her a lot. Now I have carers who help me: I see them like my extended family, and I am so grateful for them all, particularly now with Covid-19.

Like everyone, the pandemic and lockdowns have been a very strange and challenging time for me. I am a very social person, and I find not being able to see people, or go out to do things, very hard and a bit upsetting. Just as we entered the first lockdown, I became a great auntie – this was so exciting for me and I couldn’t wait

to meet my new nephew, Oscar. I remember feeling so thrilled when I first heard the news that my niece was pregnant (I am a big baby person!), but with the new regulations, meeting Oscar had to be over FaceTime, which was not quite the same, although I was still very happy to see him. But I had (and still have) to be patient.

As the year went on, I began to have trouble with my eating and drinking. These are things I have always had challenges with, but this time it was worse. It became so difficult that at the height of the pandemic I was hospitalised.

I don’t like hospitals, and wasn’t very happy being there, but I knew the people there were trying to help me. I was very weak and had to be on a drip for several weeks before doctors could consider potential operations for me. During that time my carers took turns coming to be with me, and with their help I FaceTimed with my family (including baby Oscar) every day. I had some low days, but seeing them all helped to get me through it. Seeing Oscar’s little face really lifted me on days where I was feeling sad. The nurses >>>

happiful.com | November 2021 | 95

there were also very lovely and supportive – before I left, with the help of my carers, I made some cards for them to say thank you.

Finally, I grew strong enough for the doctors to consider operating on me. My brother, Michael, had special permission to come to the hospital, and he helped my carers and the doctors to explain the procedure to me. I was very nervous but I wanted the operation, because I knew that I needed it to live. A lot of people don’t realise when they meet me, but I am actually quite tough – this wasn’t my first operation.

When the big operation day came, one of my carers, Zoe, asked if she could accompany me to the surgery room, and I was very grateful for this. She came with me as far as she could.

The good news is that the operation was a success! When I came round, I had a feeding tube into my stomach, and this is now the main way I take in nutrition. I was taken back to the ward to recover, and FaceTimed my family as soon as I could to let them know how I was doing. Zoe helped me to have a look at my tube and the bag where my nutrients would be fed into. It is a little sad for me that I can no longer eat food normally (I love food!),

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A lot of people don’t realise when they meet me, but I am actually quite tough – this wasn’t my first operation but it does mean I have much less anxiety around taking my medication – swallowing pills has always been a bit of a scary task for me, and now I don’t have to because my meds go into my tube.

After that, I couldn’t wait to get home. I was feeling quite fed up with being in hospital. I continued to FaceTime my family every day, and they encouraged me to be patient, but it was difficult.

Eventually, the day I was to be discharged was set, and I was so excited! But the day before I was due to come home, a patient I was sharing a ward with tested positive for Covid. Because of my cerebral palsy, I am very vulnerable to the virus, and my family and carers were all really worried. The patient was isolated quickly, but it meant I couldn’t go home just yet, which was disappointing.

true story Maggie and her sister, Margret, at the seaside

Fortunately, I tested all clear, and the following week I was able to leave the hospital.

However, because of the additional needs I now have, I couldn’t move back to my old home permanently, although I was able to be there for one last Christmas which was lovely, and I am happy I have this memory. Having to move was a bit of a blow for me. I had lived there for 20 years, and I was very sad. I knew I would miss the carers there, and the other residents.

But my new home has things that make life easier for me, and some of the carers from my old home moved with me to help me settle in.

I do love meeting people, and I have enjoyed

getting to know my fellow residents and carers, as well as planning the decorating of my new room – my window looks directly on to one of our gardens, so I can look out and see the birds.

I am looking forward to the day when I can have guests over to show them around properly.

When I was little, many doctors were uncertain how long my life might be, as my cerebral palsy is quite severe. But in May 2021, just after receiving my Covid vaccination, I celebrated my 70th birthday. I had a small tea party outside in my new garden, and was able to see baby Oscar in person – which was the best present I could have wished for!

Life still isn’t back to normal, and I am still getting used to my new home, but overcoming challenges is sort of what I do. I really just wish someone would invite me to a wedding next!

OUR EXPERT SAYS Life is looking a little different for many of us at the moment; Maddie is no exception to that and she’s shown extraordinary courage in overcoming the challenges that came her way.

It is so heartening to hear that despite the most difficult of circumstances she found friendship and compassion in those who cared for her.

In the last couple of years, we’ve all been tested

in ways none of us could have imagined.

Maddie reminds us that we can never underestimate the power of the human spirit to help us through the tough times, and to find happiness once again.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

happiful.com | November 2021 | 97

In case no one has told you lately…

Take what you need, or leave as a supportive message for a friend

You don’t have to change for anybody.

Yo u m i g h t f e e l afraid, but you d o n’ t h ave t o face this alone.

YOU ARE LOVED, EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T LOVE Y O U R S E L F.

YOU HAVE MORE OF AN IMPACT ON PEOPLE’S LIVES THAN YOU KNOW.

YO U A R E WO RT H Y, EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL YOU’RE NOT.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

An essential guide to the ups, downs and life-changing experiences of talking therapy

4th November

THE UK’S POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH APP

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