THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
Breath of the wild Tune-in to your body. Let the possibilities unfold with every exhale
OCT 2021 £5.99
AWAKEN YOUR CURIOSITY Reignite that inquisitive spark
FAB OR FAD? We delve into the world of wellness tools
BACK TO THE START Embrace being a beginner
A breath of fresh air
As autumn approaches, it can feel as if the winds of change are beginning to blow. Sunset hues surround us, and there’s magic in the air... Whether it’s thanks to the backto-school vibes, or digging out our knitwear as the nights draw in, something about the dawning of a new season has us feeling like it’s time to consider our own transformations as well. And the good news is there’s no need to wait until January to start afresh. Now is as good a time as any to reflect on where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re surrounded by – as well as how they impact your energy.
Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge
Ask yourself: what’s no longer serving me? What boundaries do I need to reinforce? What do I need in my life right now? What excites me moving forward? From the small, daily habits that can have a big impact on your wellbeing, to delving into our relationships, this issue is all about helping you set sights on a brighter future – and making sure it’s one that’s worthy of you.
On p24, we explore the wellbeing wonder of really connecting with our own breath – such a simple change we can start today! While on p72, we share 12 steps to help rebuild your life after domestic abuse, and on p66 we divulge how you can leave a legacy, and make your mark on the world. As so wonderfully put by author Ruth Ahmed: “There is something so special in the early leaves drifting from the trees – as if we are all to be allowed a chance to peel, to refresh, to start again.” So, for anyone who needs to hear it, this is your rallying call to action: you deserve the life of your dreams. It’s time to start making it a reality. Take a deep breath. Let’s begin...
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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR
I | @happiful_magazine
Stress-free 22 Wellness tools
It’s a booming industry, but are the latest tools worth the hype?
24 Just... breathe
How harnessing the power of our breath can boost happiness
24
28 Spot the signs of burnout 40 Stop shame spirals
Break free with these top tips
53 The daily grind
Strategies for tackling teeth grinding
Positive pointers 20 Curiouser and curiouser
How to get back in touch with your inquisitive side
32 Autumn family crafts
Relationships
42 Back to the start
14 What is negging?
Discover the joy of being a beginner Spot the signs of this sinister form of emotional abuse
66 Leave your mark
Are you ready to create change?
72 Routes to rebuilding
Domestic abuse shatters lives, so what are the next steps?
Food & health 48 Scary snacks
Healthy recipes with a spooky Halloween twist
85 Being there
How to support a friend with body dysmorphic disorder
88 Do they like me?
50 Are you RED-y?
Decipher the signals and open yourself up to romantic possibilities
80 The sweet stuff
92 Caring for yourself
Does sugar have a role to play in our mental health?
Learn to look after your wellbeing when caring for another
66
Try this at home
57 Habits to change your life 71 Grounding techniques 98 On bad days...
92
22
Culture 8 Good news
This month’s uplifting stories
13 The wellbeing wrap 58 Things to do in October 83 Autumn good reads
Wellbeing 16 Post-partum psychosis Six myths, debunked
29 Perimenopause
Shedding light on what to expect
34 What is EMDR? 45 On the sensitive side
Tips for navigating life when you’re a highly sensitive person
64 Got the urge?
How to manage cravings
88
76 David Harewood
The actor and writer on coming to terms with psychosis
True stories 37 Julia: a happy place
Depression and anxiety ruled her life, until she found comfort online
61 Andy: a new vocation
Depression led him to leave teaching, and to find a new talent
53
95 Natasha: reaching others
From client to counsellor, Natasha found a way to support others
*
Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. The relationships we form in life contribute to who we are. They can be complex and challenging at times, but equally rewarding. Surrounding ourselves with people who makes us feel good is very important, as this directly enhances our wellbeing, and will have a ripple effect. We may find ourselves in relationships that do the opposite, but this is not always easy to identify. Head to p14 to explore helpful tips on breaking free from this. The relationships we surround ourselves with can be inspiring and empowering. It seems only logical to welcome such people into our lives – this is a decision that is yours to make. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.
Our team
Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
REBECCA VIVASH
EDITORIAL
Dip MBACP
Rebecca Thair | Editor
Rebecca is a counsellor, specialising in helping women overcome codependency.
Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer
JEREMY SACHS
Grace Victory | Columnist
DipCouns Dip SAC MBACP
BA Hons DipCouns
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships
John is a coach to professional women who want to get into a healthy intimate relationship.
Jeremy is an integrative psychotherapist who specialises in trauma.
JOHN KENNY
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
PAOLA BORELLA
DR ANUPAMA GARG
DipCouns MBACP
MSc PhD PGDip Adv Cert EMDR
Paola is an integrative counsellor, teacher, and author.
Anupama is a counsellor, psychotherapist, and an academic.
Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer
KATE DIMMER
CHRIS MOUNSHER
MSc mBANT CNHC
BSc PGDip MBACP
Kate is a registered nutritional therapist and health coach.
Chris is a counsellor working with anxiety, addiction, and depression.
Julia Wills, Gemma Calvert, Becky Goddard-Hill, Caroline Butterwick, Anna Gaunt, Kate Dimmer, Rachael Sigee, Maxine Ali, Laura Dockrill, Rita Edah, Julia Mitchell, Andy Knill, Natasha Page, John Kenny, Jeremy Sachs, Paola Borella
GRAEME ORR
RACHEL COFFEY
MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind
BA MA NLP Mstr
Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.
Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.
KIRSTY TAYLOR
KATHERINE KIMBER
BA MSc MBACP
BSc MSc RD
Kirsty is a humanistic, person-centred counsellor.
Katherine is a registered dietitian and founder of Nude Nutrition.
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager alice.greedus@happiful.com
CONTRIBUTORS
SPECIAL THANKS
Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Rebecca Vivash, Dr Anupama Garg, Katherine Kimber, Kirsty Taylor, Natasha Crowe, Chris Mounsher
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
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RITA EDAH
Ad Dip Cp Dip Hyp MHS MNCS
MA MBACP (Accred)
Natasha is a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.
Rita is a counsellor, psychotherapist, coach and counselling supervisor.
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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
OCT 2021 £5.99
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Breath of the wild Tune-in to your body. Let the possibilities unfold with every exhale
AWAKEN YOUR CURIOSITY Reignite that inquisitive spark
FAB OR FAD? We delve into the world of wellness tools
harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@ happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/
BACK TO THE START Embrace being a beginner
Cover illustration by Rosan Magar
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SCIENCE
London cabbies drive dementia research
The Uplift
Ever wondered how black cab drivers get from one side of London to the other, without a glance at Google Maps? Well, there is science behind their impressive navigational abilities. So much so, that cabbies are taking part in a pioneering brain-testing programme to advance dementia research. Taxi Brains Project, run by The Spatial Cognition Group at University College London, is analysing London’s licensed taxi drivers’ brains through MRI scans. Thanks to the continuous improvement of their navigational skills, cabbies possess a larger hippocampus – the part of the brain that is known to shrink early in people with Alzheimer’s disease. In the programme, taxi drivers will be tested on their abilities to plan routes through London’s network of 58,000 streets, take a short questionnaire, and will be invited to have an MRI scan. This creates a detailed, 3D picture of the brain, and records brain activity, as the taxi drivers plan their routes. The scans provide researchers with the understanding of which parts of the hippocampus grow in relation to navigational skills, contributing critical insights to help develop diagnostics for earlier detection of Alzheimer’s. Thanks to the many taxi drivers volunteering their time, the Taxi Brains Project has the potential to drive a more independent and accessible future for the 850,000 Brits living with Alzheimer’s. Writing | Katie Hoare
TECHNOLOGY
Son launches gambling safety app inspired by dad’s addiction David Bradford hid his gambling addiction for decades, only opening up to his family about the extent of the problem following a call from his solicitor with news that he was going to jail for stealing £50,000 from his employer. Inspired by his dad’s experience, Adam Bradford has developed a gambling protection app, BetProtect, set to be offered to millions of at-risk players. A 2020 survey by GambleAware estimates that nearly 1.4 million people are problem gamblers, and highlights concerns about the impact of the pandemic on people’s relationship with the industry.
Created with the help of counsellors, dad David joined the company’s advisory board to guide development with his lived experience, to make BetProtect a ‘player awareness space’, offering tools and professional advice to help players manage their relationship with gambling. But this isn’t the father-son team’s first step in supporting others – it follows years of campaigning for change within the industry, as well as lobbying for more support for addicts, and for gambling addiction to be recognised as a mental health problem. “To me as a co-founder, and the son of a former gambling addict
Family mission: Ryan Bradford (left), David Bradford (center), and Adam Bradford (right)
who’s experienced first-hand the pain of seeing a loved one so badly affected, this is a truly exciting milestone in our journey – seven years on from dad being jailed,” said Adam. “A better life is possible after addiction, and we believe there is a tidal wave of change on the horizon that will create a safer gambling experience for everyone.” Find out more by visiting betprotect.co.uk Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
KIDS
Study finds puppets can engage autistic children The friendly face of Big Bird taking us through our ABCs is a fond memory for many – and now, new research suggests puppets can attract the attention of autistic children, opening doors to developing more engaging therapies and learning strategies. Published in the journal Autism Research, the study is the first to examine anecdotal claims that autistic children respond well to puppets. Researchers looked at visual attention patterns of young autistic children, compared to a
group of neurotypical children, while they watched a video of a bright puppet, Violet, and her human sidekick. Results showed the attention patterns of the autistic children were similar to those of the neurotypical children when Violet spoke – with both groups displaying a preference for the talking puppet over the human. Cheryl Henson, daughter of puppeteer and The Muppets creator Jim Henson, collaborated on the study, and said: “For many years,
I’ve observed how puppets can engage children with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) in meaningful ways, often establishing an uncommonly emotional connection. The findings lend scholarly weight to our anecdotal experiences, and suggest that puppets could be a powerful tool to help children with ASD improve their social engagement.” It’s hoped that this discovery will encourage a holistic, enriching learning environment for all. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
happiful.com | October 2021 | 9
Image | Matt Stansfield, photo courtesy of Anattic - Commercial Production House
COMMUNITY
A wheelie good idea: motorbikes for mental health Talking about mental health can be challenging – but it seems there’s something about the freedom of an open road that helps. It’s a phenomenon that nurse and health visitor Heidi Limbert discovered first-hand when she joined the Mental Health Motorbike (MHM) community. Run by mental health first aiders, MHM is a support service sharing wellbeing tools, encouraging bikers to be trained in mental health first aid, and signposting crisis support. As part of her MSc in public health, Heidi has set up a research group within the community. She says: “Men are disproportionately under-represented in health promotion activities, so I wanted to find out what we can do about this – the low uptake of support, the high suicide rates, and how we can get men talking more.” Heidi is interviewing men to learn about the influence motorbiking has on their wellbeing. She’s also asking for photos that sum up what biking means to them. “One profound instance was a photo of a ruin with a bike in front of it, and the road going off into the distance. For the man who had taken it, the photo represented him coming away from where he had been, leaving behind the ruins, and moving on in his mental health journey.” Writing | Kat Nicholls
happiful.com | October 2021 | 11
Take 5
Put your feet up, and put your brain to the test. Pens at the ready – it’s puzzle time!
Connect the dots
Can you connect the matching colours without crossing paths?
How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe r s, and mor e!
Example:
Quick maths
Solve the secret sums below to decipher each symbol.
=
+
+
=9
+
+
+
= 18
=
+
+
+
= 22
=
The
wellbeing wrap Medals at the Tokyo olympics were made from 158 million pounds of recycled electronics
The EU is giving away 60,000 free interrail passes in 2022, so young people can explore the continent
Bacon has been voted the most important ingredient in a full English breakfast
Landline telephones are being axed as of 2025
California is permanently providing free school meals for all public school pupils
Spouting the truth
While we all know about plastic pollution, a new study has revealed just how much better tap water is for the planet than bottled – 3,500 times better, in fact. Between the waste generated, electricity used, chemicals, and plastic, researchers confirmed that drinking from a tap is the way to go. Cheers to that!
To cheer up spirits in lockdown, volunteers in Barley, Hertfordshire, knitted, crocheted, and stitched more than 1,450 flowers which, attached to nets, now adorn the 50ft tower at St Margaret of Antioch church.
On your hike
Facing mental health challenges can sometimes feel like climbing a mountain, which could be why one man is taking this literally in his efforts to spread awareness and inspire those with PTSD. Hailing from Cardiff, Wales, Jaylo Miles, and his emotional support owl Louie, have been scaling mountains, encouraging others to join their journey, to show that there’s always hope, one step at a time.
Fancy a takeaway?
It turns out that having a good range of restaurants in your area could be worth a lot more than just a tasty Friday night treat. According to property portal Boomin, the ‘Deliveroo Effect’ could see those with 100 local takeaway options on the Deliveroo app netting an extra £35,000 on their house price! So, I guess that bargain bucket was aptly named after all... In the midst of chaos and tragedy, we’ve seen the light of compassion and kindness. Since the UK began evacuation flights out of Kabul, Afghanistan, nearly 2,000 people have signed up to offer their spare rooms through various charities. Airbnb has also announced it will help house up to 20,000 refugees worldwide.
It’s coming home
Motherwell FC is giving away free season tickets to unemployed and low-income families, to ensure those struggling during the pandemic can still find a welcoming space to watch the beautiful game.
The sweetest story
A father of two from Ohio has bought an ice cream van to help provide opportunities for his two children with Down’s syndrome. Joe Wegener wanted to ensure his daughter, Mary Kate, and son, Josh, didn’t miss out on key life experiences and skills – such as socialisation, customer service, finance, and employment. But now the family business, Special Neat Treats, is going further, by serving up inspiration to others, showing that, in Joe’s words: “No matter what your abilities are, there’s something you can do.” Polish Olympic athlete Maria Andrejczyk, who beat bone cancer in 2018, has raised £130,000 by selling her silver medal won in Tokyo in order to help fund a young Polish boy’s life-saving heart surgery in the USA.
The edge of innovation After two friends were victims of knife-related incidents, 22-year-old Joseph Bentley designed a potentially life-saving device to help stem bleeding from stab wounds. The ‘React’ device inflates a silicone balloon in wounds to prevent haemorrhaging, which police could use while waiting for medical assistance – and it recently won the UK James Dyson Award!
What is
negging? Learn to spot the signs of this manipulative form of emotional abuse Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
B
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
y nature, emotional abuse is malicious and detrimental – but, in some cases, it can also be subtle and sneaky, running under the radar while still knocking an individual’s sense of freedom, and even their sense of self. ‘Negging’ is one such example, and the sly tactics employed by the abuser can have a lasting impact on the victim, undercutting their confidence and increasing their reliance on the individual. “Negging refers to an emotionally manipulative tactic whereby an individual delivers subtle comments designed to undermine another person’s selfesteem,” explains Rebecca Vivash, a psychotherapeutic counsellor. “It is an insidious form of abuse, and can go almost undetected for a long time due to the subtlety of the behaviour.”
14 | October 2021 | happiful.com
The word negging derives from the verb ‘neg’, which means ‘negative feedback’. It can often be delivered in a ‘flirtatious’ or even ‘caring’ way, disguised as a joke or an innocent remark, which is one of the reasons why, at first, it can be hard to spot. As an example of this, Rebecca points to backhanded compliments, and comments such as: “You’d be quite attractive if you lost some weight,” “I hadn’t expected you to have a degree,” “You’d be just right if your hair was longer/blonder/straighter.” “Other negging tactics might include comparisons to other attractive or successful people, or even their exes – comments like: ‘One thing I did love about X was their tiny waist,’ while knowing that you feel insecure about your own, or ‘I really loved their drive and ambition,’
again, being fully aware that you are currently struggling with what direction your career is going,” Rebecca explains. “Insults disguised as jokes are another ploy to undermine your self-worth. Often said affectionately but with a more sinister undertone, such ‘jokes’ that highlight your flaws and weaknesses are not funny.” Because the abuse is delivered in this form, the victim may just notice that they feel worse following a conversation with the abuser, long before they are able to put their finger on exactly why that may be. But this is all part of the ploy. As with the majority of emotional abuse tactics, negging helps to elevate the abuser’s status, power, and control in the relationship, while simultaneously diminishing the victim’s self-esteem.
relationships
“The aim of this type of emotional abuse is to push the victim down to a place where they need, rather than enjoy, their partner’s approval,” adds Rebecca. And the result of this? The victim may become reliant on the abuser to feel of value, and they may begin to look to them to verify their actions, feelings, and even beliefs. “The abuser’s actions may leave them doubting their perspective of reality, if they do question whether they are the subject of abuse,” Rebecca says. “The manipulation is often so subtle that it is explained away by the perpetrator as being ‘Just a joke,’ or ‘You’re just being oversensitive.’” Of course, escaping any form of abuse can be incredibly challenging, regardless of the situation, but when it comes to negging, the added impact of the undermining of an individual’s confidence can certainly come into play. “It can be really tough to see clearly with this type of abuse, so I would definitely recommend talking to a trusted friend or a therapist, to explore your thoughts and feelings,” says Rebecca. “If you are the victim of emotional abuse, you may well have experienced complex trauma, and would benefit from professional and personal support to help you to feel strong
enough to leave the relationship, and rebuild your self-worth.” Identifying that something isn’t right is the first step to addressing it. If the concept of negging sounds familiar to you, Rebecca leaves you with a guiding principle to keep in mind: “Do remember that you don’t need to fix anything about yourself in order to deserve real love and connection.”
Rebecca Vivash is a psychotherapeutic counsellor, specialising in helping women overcome codependency and heal from emotionally abusive relationships. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | October 2021 | 15
6 myths about postpartum psychosis It’s time to shine a light on this serious mental illness, to shed the stigma, and ensure that no one has to struggle with postpartum psychosis alone Writing | Laura Dockrill
I
n 2018, after the birth of my son, I experienced a severe and debilitating mental illness called postpartum psychosis, PP for short – and don’t worry, I’d never heard of it either until it tried to destroy my life. Becoming an ambassador for the charity Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP), alongside my husband, Hugo, isn’t something I’d ever thought would happen. Because, in all honesty, I didn’t think I’d make it out alive. I had never experienced mental illness before PP picked my family up like a snow globe, and shook our world into oblivion. When PP hits you out of the blue, it’s frightening – because you don’t know what’s going on, or where to turn. Within days, my
16 | October 2021 | happiful.com
brain seemed to turn against me. My instinct vanished. I knew I had to recover, because I had a newborn to take care of that really needed me… But in the same breath: I had a newborn to take care of that really needed me. The main reason my family and I were so scared and shocked was because we were totally in the dark – I didn’t even know PP existed, how long it would last, or how much of the old me we could salvage. Which is why it’s so important that APP has been raising awareness, and campaigning for more services. Psychosis is probably one of the most misunderstood and stigmatised of all mental health problems, and if you blend
that with the expectations of being a new parent, sprinkle on the shame and unhelpful assumptions of “Wow you’ve just had a baby – this is supposed to be the best time of your life,” and you can start to see the scale of the challenge. So I want to do my bit to smash the stigma. Because if anyone else finds themselves in the same situation as I did in 2018 – wondering what the hell was going on with my chaotic brain when all I really wanted was to be getting on with being a new mum – I want them to know that there is hope, you can recover. So, here are my top mythbusters about my former nemesis, postpartum psychosis.
wellbeing
MYTH 1. P O S T PA R T U M P SYC HO S I S I S A SEVERE FORM O F P O S T N ATA L DEPRESSION False. However, there are some similarities and, in fact, PP can be followed by a long depression. But the difference is in the kinds of symptoms you experience. With postnatal depression you may feel hopeless, constantly fatigued, irritable, experience a persistent low mood, and have a lack of interest in activities you previously liked. On the other hand, with PP you may be high and elated, doing out of character things. You might also be anxious, fearful, restless, confused, and paranoid – or you may feel worthless, suicidal, hear voices, and see or sense things that aren’t really there. Telling the difference between postnatal depression and postpartum psychosis is important. PP can strike very quickly after birth, and get worse very quickly; it’s always an emergency. The risk to yourself and your baby may be greater. Plus, as PP is more closely related to bipolar disorder than depression, different treatments are needed.
MYTH 2. PEOPLE WITH PP NEED THE S A M E T R E AT M E N T A S A N YONE W I T H S E V E R E M E N TA L ILLNESS False. People need specialist care for PP. As PP often starts days, or even hours, after giving birth, you are physically, as well as mentally, vulnerable – and you have a newborn to care for. In my case, I was bleeding heavily
for a long time, I hadn’t slept for days, I had a fresh surgery scar and, on top of all that, I was struggling with breastfeeding and bonding. But also, perhaps most importantly, you need to be with your baby to form a relationship and develop your confidence as a mum. This is why we need specialist services for women with severe perinatal mental illness. It’s clear that any woman going through what I did needs expert postnatal care. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 17
MYTH 3. PEOPLE W I T H P SYC HO S I S A R E S C A RY False. From movies and popular culture, we have a very insidious, tabloid idea of what somebody who is ‘psychotic’ looks like, making it harder to admit you need help. You worry that people will think you’re dangerous, or plotting to harm your baby. I never thought about harming my baby – all of my dark negative thoughts were internalised. I felt inadequate and, at times, wanted to take my own life. I was terrified of everything around me. From thinking plants were sending me messages, and teddy bears having cameras in their eyes, to believing my whole family were conspiring against me. I would walk around the hospital corridors thinking I was the most ‘evil’ person the nurses had ever seen – when in reality I was a frumpy, heartbroken woman in severe pain, wearing her little sister’s cupcake socks. Psychosis is frightening – but that doesn’t mean you are! 18 | October 2021 | happiful.com
MYTH 4. I’VE NEVER H A D M E N TA L H E A LT H PROBLEMS – IT COULDN’T HAPPEN TO ME False. It can happen to anyone. Birth trauma and sleep difficulties often come up in conversation about PP, as does a history of bipolar, but this isn’t always the case. I had no previous mental health issues and I had enjoyed a happy, calm
pregnancy. While more research is being done as to the causes (we know that PP sometimes runs in families, happens more often with first babies, and preeclampsia has also been cited as a potential risk factor) at the moment, all we know is that it really can happen to anyone. If you have bipolar, it doesn’t mean you’ll definitely develop PP, and similarly, if your life has been plain sailing, it doesn’t mean you won’t experience it.
wellbeing
Within days, my brain seemed to turn against me. My instinct vanished
M Y T H 5. YOU C A N ’ T RECOVER FROM P SYC HO S I S, A ND YOU WON’ T BE A G O OD MUM Absolutely false! One of the scariest things about not knowing what is wrong with you, is that you feel unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I can tell you – it is there. I didn’t get better overnight, my recovery wasn’t linear, it’s more like a game of Snakes and Ladders; you
get so far and then feel yourself slide back down to the bottom. It was hard work, especially with a young baby. But gradually I felt the old me coming back. I still carried some strange thoughts into the months after I was discharged, but I think that’s because it’s difficult to reflect on what has happened with any clarity. I was traumatised. The whole episode was so confusing. But today, having had the right information, treatment, and support, and the unconditional love and support of my husband, friends, family, and all at APP, I am well and happy, and can safely say I love being a mum.
with PP each year in the UK. And there’s a whole community who have been there too, waiting to give you support. I’m testament to the fact that peer support can give you hope when you have none, help you understand the experience, and forgive yourself for what you went through. Finding others who you can be honest with, who won’t judge you because they’ve been there and worn the T-shirt, is invaluable. Having survived PP has made me more resilient, more empathetic and compassionate. In fact, it’s made me a better mum. So bye shame, bye blame. Hi life!
MYTH 6. PP IS S O R A R E , YOU ’ LL NEVER COME ACROSS ANOTHER PERSON WHO’S HAD IT
To find out more about Action on Postpartum Psychosis, along with further information about the symptoms and treatments available, visit app-network.org
False. While PP isn’t one of the most common mental health problems, it’s not exactly rare. In fact, 1,400 women are diagnosed
For more of Laura Dockrill’s’s personal story, read her book, ‘What Have I Done?’ (Square Peg, £8.99), available in all good bookstores. happiful.com | October 2021 | 19
HOW TO TO HOW STAY CURIOUS CURIOUS STAY As we grow older, our curiosity can fade. Yet research shows that it remains essential to our wellbeing. Here, we explore how to reignite that inquisitive spark Writing | Julia Wills
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s children, we’re full of questions. Why do ladybirds have spots? How do planes stay in the air? Who invented sherbet? But, as we age, that willingness to ask slowly ebbs away. The late Sir Ken Robinson, author and education guru, believed that the way we’re taught is at fault. He said: “Curiosity is the engine of achievement,” and felt that our school’s mistaken focus
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
on knowing facts smothered our innate desire to find things out for ourselves. Some of our diminishing curiosity is a casualty of brain economy. As we learn, our young brains lay down neural pathways, energy-saving shortcuts to knowing, which reduce the necessity to keep discovering afresh. And as adults, our responsibilities can zap the necessary energy, interest,
and time to pursue unanswered questions. Yet curiosity remains key to flourishing. It led our ancestors to craft tools, spark fire, farm, voyage, experiment, and innovate. Importantly for us in the modern world, research shows that curiosity reduces anxiety and increases brain plasticity, social connection, empathy, wellbeing, and life satisfaction. Leaving only one question: how can we rekindle it?
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Read, do, or think something different Wander into a library and pick a book at random. Do you feel a prickle of curiosity? Check the book out and discover more. Walk down a street in your town that you’ve never visited, and consider the houses, imagining their history and the people who might live there. Try a recipe from a different cuisine. Learn a new language. Novel activities build fresh neural pathways in our brains, boosting our learning and memory functions.
Do a Da Vinci The Renaissance scholar, painter, sculpture, engineer, scientist, and anatomist Leonardo da Vinci reportedly never left home without his notebook to jot down questions that occurred to him while he was out. Rather than ignoring his musings, he recorded them to pursue later. It seems likely that indulging his wide-ranging curiosity led to his
mastery of so many disciplines. Why not capture your curious thoughts, and investigate them when you have a moment? You may be surprised at how alluring this becomes, leading you into unexplored topics, and bringing fresh interests into your life.
Ask more questions Big questions, small questions, even questions that might seem silly. Ask colleagues, friends, and family, because it’s one of the most dynamic and exciting ways to find things out. People love to share what they know. And better still, they’re likely to offer personal experiences, insight, and passion, too, broadening your understanding in unexpected ways. Take a leaf out of Da Vinci’s notebook, which listed the names of all the people he intended to ask for insight on the puzzles that popped into his mind.
Learn how to listen actively Instead of leaping in with your take on things, hold back and listen to someone’s outlook, or experience. You might feel angry or shocked, but step away from judgement, and continue paying attention. The more you listen, the more your curiosity can grow, and
Novel activities build fresh neural pathways in our brains, boosting our learning and memory functions with it the opportunity for fresh understanding and empathy. You might be surprised to find your own opinions changing simply by giving your curiosity free rein to see another side to the situation. Your relationship with others is also likely to improve, making you feel much more connected.
Ask yourself... Turn your curiosity inwards. Why do I feel uneasy talking about a memory? Where is my low mood coming from? Self-reflecting in a curious, non-emotional way is great fostering understanding about our own anxieties, moods, and motivations. Posing questions in a non-judgemental way, as we might to a friend in need, can help us discover how we really think and feel about things, and even suggest different ways to behave. Take five minutes a day to discover more about who you really are. It’s a great first step towards better emotional and mental health. Julia Wills is a novelist and wellbeing journalist with an interest in mental health. Follow her on Twitter @JWillsauthor happiful.com | October 2021 | 21
Wellness tools:
fab or fad?
With the Global Wellness Institute claiming the wellness industry is worth £2.8 trillion, we figured it was time to investigate seven wellness tools to ask, are they worth the hype? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
Gua Sha
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A favourite on social media, the gua sha is a traditional Chinese medicine tool made out of semi precious stones such as rose quartz, jade, and crystalline, used for facial massage. Used by applying medium pressure and ‘scraping’ the skin on your face in specific patterns, you may have come across videos claiming that gua shas can completely transform your facial structure. There’s no evidence to support this, but a massage can be incredibly soothing, particularly if you hold tension in your jaw.
Acupressure mat
Aromatherapy diffuser Aromatherapy is a holistic technique that uses plant extracts in essential oils to promote wellbeing. The FAB scents of these aromatic oils are thought to support everything from anxiety to fatigue and low mood. Aromatherapy diffusers heat up the oils, filling a space with the smells. There is a huge range of options available, from tea light diffusers up to expensive high-end electronic models, so if you’re new to aromatherapy it might be worth starting with something simple before you invest.
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Acupressure mats come with hundreds of small plastic points, and lying on them is supposed to replicate acupressure massage, which is thought to release blocked energy in the body – with many also using acupressure massage to target back pain. While it’s an area that needs more research, there are some studies that do link acupressure with a reduction in pain, and so the mats could be worth a try – though bear in mind that they do not account for your unique anatomy the same way that massages by a professional do.
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According to analytics firm GlobalData, by 2022 British consumers are forecast to spend £487, per person, on ‘wellness’ each year Reflexology
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foot sliders Reflexology is an alternative therapy that uses the application of pressure to specific points in the feet and hands to benefit overall wellbeing. Reflexology foot sliders are based on this practice, with points of varying sizes covering the shoe – creating a massaging effect as you walk. As with the acupressure mat, it is worth bearing in mind that this is no true replication of a reflexology massage, but the sensation may be pleasant for aching feet.
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To find out more about complementary therapies, and to connect with a professional practitioner, visit therapy-directory.org.uk
Bamboo body tapper
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Emotional freedom technique (EFT) is used to manage moods with a series of taps across the body. A bamboo body tapper tool is used to lightly tap these same spots. While you can achieve the same results with just your fingers, if you want to experiment with different sensations and pressures, a bamboo body tapper is an interesting option.
Jade roller
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Dating back to seventh-century China, jade rollers are used to massage the face and neck. The cool, smooth surface is thought to boost circulation and help drain the lymphatic system. Additionally, the jade stone is thought to reduce anxiety and fatigue. It’s worth keeping in mind that this is a holistic tool, but on a surface level, adding a bit of face oil under this soothing roller is a recipe for a relaxing facial massage.
Essential oil rollers
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Using the same aromatherapy principles as the diffusers, essential oil rollers contain blends that are safe for use on the skin, which means you can apply them directly to pulse points on your body. You may choose a different blend depending on your wellness goal, and this handy tool means you can discreetly apply it throughout the day when needed. Scientific research into whether these oils actually work for mood-boosting is mixed – so play around with different scents yourself to see what works for you.
The overall consensus is that no individual tool is going to transform you overnight – there’s no magic solution to fix our woes. But taking the time to look after yourself with a regular selfcare practice that suits you – be it a facial massage with a roller, or discovering your favourite essential oil blend – is never a bad thing. happiful.com | October 2021 | 23
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Twenty years ago, Alan Dolan quit a career in aerospace PR to build a business based on oxygen. Now the founder of Breathguru, here he explains how inhaling and exhaling can boost your health, happiness, and bring emotional peace Writing | Gemma Calvert Illustration | Rosan Magar
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reathing – it keeps us alive, but most of us barely notice it happening. It’s pretty astonishing, considering resting adults inhale and exhale up to 23,000 times a day – that’s more than eight million times a year. The rewards of good breathing are well understood. The Buddha credited breath-meditation as a route to enlightenment, and research has shown that slow, deep breathing can help combat anxiety, depression, and medical problems such as high blood pressure. In recent years, breathwork – a form of active meditation where the breathing pattern is intentionally changed to achieve a host of benefits – has gained momentum. This year, the Global Wellness Summit cited breathwork as one of its top wellness practices of 2021. One technique is Conscious Connected Breathing, a deep diaphragmatic breathing practise
that places greater emphasis on the inhale to the exhale, and uses the entire respiratory system to infuse the body with healing oxygen and energy. And, according to international breathwork practitioner Alan Dolan, our breath mirrors our behavioural patterns, so through Conscious Connected Breathing, we could potentially transform how we think, feel, and live. “Think about how we breathe as being ‘life’. How we breathe is how we are doing life,” explains Alan. “About 80% of us are upper chest breathers, and if somebody’s inhale is compromised, that often relates to their ability to receive. They’re great at giving, but maybe they’re used to de-prioritising their own needs, and not receiving all that they could. “If somebody overemphasises the exhale, and breathes from the belly, like 20% of us, that tells me that there’s an overemphasis on the negative or on lack.
What’s mind-blowing is when you tweak the breath pattern, the corresponding behavioural pattern also changes.” Since launching his company, Breathguru, 17 years ago, Alan now estimates he has taught more than 15,000 people to consciously connect to their breath, including comedian Russell Brand, actress Naomie Harris, plus scores of high-flying CEOs. Brilliantly, no equipment is required. Simply lie down, place one or two hands on the navel, and with the mouth wide, an exaggerated, long inhale is followed by a short, sigh-like exhale. The continuous flow of breathing is repeated on a loop for at least 10 minutes. “What differentiates it from other forms of breath work is the breath is always in motion, and that’s what puts the body into an autopilot reset mode. It’s about plugging into our innate intelligence, and letting >>>
happiful.com | October 2021 | 25
our bodies do the work for us,” says Alan, adding that the practice “opens the doors to the subconscious”, and as well as sparking physiological results, triggering powerful spiritual and emotional responses as the body clears itself of past pain, trauma, and toxic emotions. “Think of a pyramid,” continues Alan. “The conscious mind is a tiny bit at the top, and the subconscious is a massive part underneath. It doesn’t matter whether or not you know what the emotional baggage is – Conscious Connected Breathing is not a cognitive way of working, but a bodily-led psychotherapy. It’s simply about expelling toxic energy from the body, and attracting life and light back.” After he hit 40, Alan quit a high flying job in aerospace PR in the Middle East to retrain as a breath coach, and quickly experienced the powerful benefits of Conscious Connected Breathing, which he says healed his own 25-year battle with depression. The key to results, though, is the investment of time. “If you want to see tangible results, I’d say a minimum of 15 minutes daily,” says Alan. “Breathwork is like going to the gym. You’ve got to work at it!”
It’s simply about expelling toxic energy from the body, and attracting life and light back 2.
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How to try Conscious Connected Breathing 1. Lie horizontally on a bed or sofa. Use a pillow to support the nape of your neck. Ensure your torso, neck, and head are aligned, and your chin is 26 | October 2021 | happiful.com
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pointed to the ceiling to allow the throat to really open. Close your eyes and mouth, and turn your focus inwards. Breathe in and out through the nose. Take your attention from your head, through the body, torso, hips, pelvis, legs, and to your feet. Bend the knees, and put your feet flat on the bed or the sofa. Feel the connection of the soles of your feet to the surface, and allow yourself to be supported. Place one or both hands on the lower abdomen, just below your navel. Open your mouth – wider than you think is necessary – and inhale deeply into the lower abdomen. Imagine you’re inflating a balloon in your belly. Use your abdominals to inflate the balloon. Deflate the balloon by exhaling through the mouth with a short, soft sigh. Imagine you’re fogging a mirror. There should be no squeezing, tightening, or crunching of the abdominals Keep this breathing going for five minutes, with no pauses between the inhale
and exhale. Feel your tummy rise and fall. Keep your attention on the inhale. Suck in the most oxygen and energy that you can. This is your fuel. Then let it go. 9. Whatever you notice – sensations around the throat and top of the head, or thoughts in your head – allow them to be there, but keep focused on your breath. 10. After five minutes, pull your feet back to your bottom. Place your palms flat on the sofa or bed, and very quickly tap your palms and feet soles on the surface as though you’re jogging. Add in sound while you inhale and exhale. 11. After one minute, relax your arms and feet. Return to the open mouthed breathing – a pronounced inhale followed by a short, sigh-like exhale. 12. After five minutes flip on to your tummy. Lose the pillow. Place your arms by
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your sides and continue with a more gentle pronounced inhale and light exhale. Keep it flowing. Feel the inflation of the tummy against the sofa or bed beneath you. Continue for two minutes. 13. Now close the mouth, and continue to breathe gently through the nose. Allow yourself to completely relax. Wiggle your fingers and toes, and scan your body from bottom to top. 14. Bring your attention back to the room. 15. When you’re ready, open your eyes. Always allow five or 10 minutes at the end of the session to relax. Visit breathguru.com for more.
Photography | Jonathan Perugia at Gaia Visual
Alan’s top tips 1. Work out what kind of breather you are by placing one hand on your tummy, and one hand on your upper chest. Close your eyes, open your mouth, and inhale deeply. Which hand moved the most? Top – you're an upper chest breather. Bottom – you breathe from the belly. 2. Avoid eating for 90 minutes before a practice. It will be less comfortable doing deep diaphragm breathing with food in your belly.
3. Place a weighty book on your tummy to help keep your attention there while you get used to breathing from the abdomen. 4. The mind doesn’t like change. It wants to keep you static (and safe). By ignoring this, and doing your breathing every day, you will very quickly notice tangible results!
happiful.com | October 2021 | 27
Feeling burnt out? Here are the signs to watch out for...
Unable to cope
Feeling empty Difficulty sleeping
Reduced work performance
Emotionally distanced
Brain fog
More irritable
Draine d ach Stom es issu
Loss of motivation
What to do... If these symptoms seem all-toofamiliar, it could be a sign that you need a break. When burnout strikes, you need time and space to recover and replenish your energy. It’s important to ensure you address the cause of the burnout though – could it be asking for more support, discovering stress management strategies, taking more breaks, or speaking to a professional to understand the root of your stress? 28 | Month 2021 | happiful.com
wellbeing
Preparing for perimenopause Dr Louise Newson is a leading light in the world of menopause education, policy, and support. Believing it’s never too early to be perimenopause savvy, she’s sharing practical information to help everyone have a better experience
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o matter what your age or gender, chances are you’ve heard about the menopause. You may have noticed a greater conversation around it of late too, with documentaries such as Channel 4’s Sex, Myths and the Menopause presented by Davina McCall, and The Truth About... the Menopause from the BBC. Both programmes aimed to open a wider conversation and smash the stigma around this inevitable life event for half of the population, discussing commonly related issues, from poor mental health to a decline in libido, and loss of confidence. However, it’s unlikely that you will have discussed the menopause and the perimenopause when you were learning about the human body, menstruation, sex, contraception, and pregnancy. Proactive management of hormonal wellbeing, how to access help when noticing troublesome symptoms, and what the perimenopause actually is, has sadly been left off the educational agenda for many years.
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
Thankfully, there has been a shift of late, as Dr Louise Newson is leading the charge on creating a society where we can all be more menopause and perimenopause aware, at every age. As both a GP and one of the UK’s top experts on the menopause, Louise is passionate about making real change around ‘the change’ from within the healthcare and education system, and in a way that’s accessible for everyone who might need advice, support, and signposting.
The average age for women to reach menopause in the UK is 51
Louise’s website, menopausedoctor.co.uk, is full of practical information, she’s created the free Balance app to help women track, manage, and share their symptoms with doctors, and her highly acclaimed podcast features interviews with experts covering a range of topics including premature menopause,
HRT, skincare, movement, immunity, hair loss, and speaking to your partner about the impact of hormonal changes. Here she explains what the perimenopause and menopause are, ways to track symptoms, and, importantly, how to get help.
Louise, where shall we start when it comes to the menopause and perimenopause?
A good place to begin is by defining what the menopause is. If you break down the word, meno means our menstrual cycle – our periods – and pause, to stop. So menopause means when our periods stop, but officially we’ve reached menopause when we haven’t had a period for a year. It’s a weird diagnosis, because you can’t make it until a year after it’s happened! However, if someone has their ovaries removed or damaged, then they’ll be classed as having reached the menopause straight away. With perimenopause, peri means ‘around the time of’, so it’s ‘around the time of the menopause’. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 29
During this time, women’s periods might change in nature or frequency. Periods may be regular, but be heavier, lighter, longer, or shorter. The list of other symptoms associated with perimenopause is as long as your arm, and that’s because oestrogen, the most important hormone, affects every cell and system in our body. If people are experiencing many of the symptoms, and there’s also a change to their periods, it’s likely that they are perimenopausal.
How does someone recognise if they are entering the perimenopause? You don’t become perimenopausal overnight. You’ll probably get the occasional day of symptoms before your period, when your hormones are at their lowest, then it might be two or three days a month, and it gradually increases from there. It can be difficult to realise that you’re perimenopausal though, because you might think the physical or mental changes are due to work, relationships, stress, or other life factors. Looking back, I had really bad
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perimenopausal symptoms that crescendoed five years ago. If I had monitored my symptoms and tracked my period, I’d have realised quite quickly what was going on – but I didn’t. I just thought it was because I was working too hard creating the Menopause Doctor website! Paradoxically, I was writing about all these symptoms I was getting, but I didn’t realise they were mine, because I wasn’t thinking about myself. Like so many women, I was too busy thinking about other people.
At what age should we look out for symptoms of perimenopause?
The average age for women to reach menopause in the UK is 51, and the perimenopause can last around a decade, so the average age would be 41. However, one in 100 women have an early menopause, meaning they will be perimenopausal in their 30s, and one in 1,000 women under the age of 30 will have early menopause – those women will be perimenopausal in their teens and 20s.
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The most important thing is to gain knowledge. Pre-warned is pre-armed! Common symptoms associated with perimenopause and menopause: • Period changes • Hot flushes • Night sweats • Fatigue and disturbed sleep • Low mood, anxiety, and mood swings
• ‘Brain fog’ • Joint aches and pains • Worsening migraines • Changes to your breasts • Skin changes • Hair changes
For more information about the perimenopause and menopause visit menopausedoctor.co.uk, download the free Balance app, and follow Dr Louise Newson @menopause_doctor on Instagram.
What can people do to support themselves through perimenopause, and in advance of these hormonal changes taking place? Pre-warned is pre-armed! The issue is that once we’re in the perimenopause we may have symptoms, including brain fog, that make it hard to decipher the information we need. So it’s crucial to gain a greater understanding of what may happen beforehand. In order to optimise our health prior to and during the perimenopause, we need to eat well, move more, sleep well, and look after our mental health and wellbeing. Although, I have to say that without the right level of hormones once the perimenopause begins, it
can become hard to do this. Muscle ache and joint pains, for example, might stop you taking part in exercise you used to love.
What should we do if symptoms are preventing us from living well?
You need to consider how you replace the required hormones, as you can’t produce them on your own. With hormone replacement therapy (HRT), there are different types and different doses, but generally we prescribe body identical HRT. For the perimenopause, we give lower doses of oestrogen but often of testosterone, too, which can make a real difference to our brain
function. It’s just about working out what’s right for you. It’s important that you get professional help, because if your symptoms are impacting your life, you shouldn’t have to cope on your own.
‘Preparing for the Perimenopause and Menopause’ by Dr Louise Newson (Penguin Life, £9.99). Listen to the full interview with Dr Louise Newson, including discussions around antidepressants and the menopause, on our podcast, ‘I am. I have’
happiful.com | October 2021 | 31
Autumn crafts for families
Get your creative juices flowing with these seasonal activities Writing | Becky Goddard-Hill
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rafting is an incredible activity for wellbeing. It not only helps kids develop fine motor and problemsolving skills, but gives their self-esteem, creativity, and confidence a boost, too. And what just might be the best and most brilliant of all craft resources? Nature: it’s free, readily available, interesting, and educational. It’s also a sustainable and eco-friendly material, and it won’t cover your house in glitter – which is always a win!
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What’s more, spending time gathering materials for your nature craft projects gets kids outside and moving, and it’s important to encourage this as the autumn days roll in, and exposure to sunlight decreases. In fact, this is backed by evidence, as research by the Wildlife Trusts showed that children’s wellbeing increased after they had spent time connecting with nature. Nature crafting has many fabulous benefits, so here are four crafts you might like to try with your kids this season...
AUTUMN MANDALA MAKING A mandala is a circular pattern with a design that grows out symmetrically from its centre. Creating a mandala is an act of mindfulness, as it requires focus and concentration. It’s a brilliant way to distance kids from any worries, and it’s also a beautiful piece of land art. You will need: Fallen autumn treasures, such as leaves, sticks, old lavender, acorns, pine cones, conkers, feathers. How to make it: Gather your treasures and find a clear space to set your mandala (avoid a path so no one walks on it!). Decide what to put in the centre, then build your pattern around it, one layer at a time.
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A PINE CONE COW Pine cones make brilliant craft materials. They can be turned into hedgehogs with clay faces and googly eyes, or cover them with paint and roll them over paper to make brilliant prints. However, our favourite pine cone craft is making a pine cone cow – it’s so easy you could make a whole family! You will need: Slim sticks, broken into four equal parts, and pine cones. How to make it: Cone cows are traditional homemade toys in Sweden and Finland, made by pushing sticks into a pine cone to make little legs. You might want to build an animal enclosure for your cone cows to live in, too!
AUTUMN BUNTING Autumn leaves are fantastic for crafting – you could make a crown, a wreath, or even a bowl! Autumn leaf bunting celebrates the season, and looks stunning strung up over fence or fireplace.
A STONE TOWER SCULPTURE Making a stone sculpture can be great fun. You might want to make one together with your child, or have a competition to see who can make the tallest tower before it topples. You will need: Stones and pebbles of all shapes, colours, textures, and sizes. How to make it: Start with the biggest stone at the bottom, then carefully balance each smaller stone one on top of the other. As you place each stone, really examine it to appreciate its uniqueness. Once you have the knack of building with stones, you could try to make a small house from them.
You will need: A Variety of unbroken leaves that aren’t too dry, Mod Podge, string, mini pegs or glue. How to make it: To preserve the leaves, coat them on both sides with Mod Podge, and leave to dry. Once dry, attach to your string with mini pegs or glue, then display with pride! Practise family nature crafting with no pressure or expectations – simply enjoy being together, and creating with the beautiful bounty of our natural world!
‘A Year of Nature Craft and Play’ is a new book packed with ideas by Becky Goddard-Hill and Catherine Hughes (Colins, £12.99, out 30 September). happiful.com | October 2021 | 33
Ask the experts: EMDR Counsellor and psychotherapist Dr Anupama Garg answers your questions on EMDR Read more about Dr Anupama Garg on counselling-directory.org.uk
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Can you explain what ‘EMDR’ stands for, and what it actually is?
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Discovered by psychologist Francine Shapiro in the 1980s, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR)
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What can EMDR help with?
EMDR is recommended for any mental health condition where the origins can be related to traumatic life events. Unprocessed traumatic memories lead to symptoms like flashbacks, phobias, anxiety and
is one of the most effective psychotherapeutic approaches for easing distress associated with traumatic memories. These memories can be associated with any big or small trauma, or adverse life experience. The EMDR process allows therapists to access and reorganise negative memories associated with traumatic events
by deadening the impact of certain memories, and connecting others with more helpful information. As a result, clients feel more settled with the traumatic events. Sounds that triggered them no longer do, and negative beliefs about themselves become either neutral or positive. These changes, in turn, can improve clients’ psychological health.
panic attacks, low mood, inability to sleep, over and under eating, social withdrawal, negative selfbelief, and suicidal thoughts. These symptoms are part of recognised mental health conditions such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), complex PTSD (CPTSD), acute stress disorder, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and complicated grief. Therefore, EMDR can be
helpful and recommended for all of these conditions. Controlled outcome studies show that 84–90% of single trauma victims no longer have PTSD after three 90-minute EMDR sessions, which is a much shorter timeframe than other therapies. But, of course, the length of EMDR treatment could be longer if you have suffered multiple traumas at a young age.
Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
wellbeing
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TOP THREE TIPS FOR PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT TRYING EMDR 1. If you have experienced minor and/or major trauma and have flashbacks, can’t sleep, suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, or have phobias, EMDR is likely to benefit you. 2. If you have tried other therapies but you haven’t seen much improvement, you should read some articles on EMDR to learn more, and to assess its suitability for you (see emdr.com for more information).
3. If, after this, you feel EMDR is for you, go to EMDR therapy professional association websites and therapist directories (e.g. counsellingdirectory.org.uk) to access a list of accredited therapists and their profiles. Choose a couple of therapists for an initial assessment, based on their qualifications, experience, and availability. Get an assessment by your chosen therapists to find out how EMDR could help you, finalise your therapist, and you’re ready to try EMDR.
What should I expect from an EMDR session?
EMDR is a structured therapy spread over eight phases, so what will happen during a session will depend on the treatment phase. The initial sessions involve the therapist taking your history and consent for EMDR, determining your needs, and teaching techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and creating a calm place to build your capacity to handle intense emotions. The latter sessions involve desensitisation of individual trauma memories, and are unique to EMDR. In a desensitisation session, you will be asked to bring up a trauma memory and its associated most distressing image, a negative belief about yourself and a desirable neutral/positive belief, and body sensations. This fires up your trauma memory networks which, with the addition of bilateral stimuli (BLS, e.g. eye movements) and tapping on your knees under the direction of the therapist, facilitates the release and processing of traumatic memories. Ultimately, your traumatic memory is resolved by connecting with more adaptive information and memories.
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Experience is the one school from which no one graduates UNKNOWN
Photography | Vitória Santos
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true story
Instagram changed my life Julia was crippled by depression and social anxiety, until she created a happy place for herself online. Now her award-winning books blog is helping her, and others, move forward Writing | Julia Mitchell
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have an amazing life. In March 2020 I was named Book Blogger of the Year at the London Book Fair, for my bookish website, Julia’s Bookcase. I have an amazing job, working at a prestigious book publisher as an assistant editor, and loads of wonderful friends, who I love very much. Getting to this place has been a long journey, and as happy and grateful as I am, it hasn’t been easy. I view my online life as a highlight reel that I curate – something I try to keep upbeat and positive. For years I’ve been receiving messages from my wonderful followers telling me that I have the ‘perfect life’, and they inspired me to start sharing my struggles online, too; to let people in, and show them that while I live a very happy and privileged life, it’s not always as perfect as it might seem. Let me take you back to the beginning. Aged 19, shortly after starting my first term at university, I experienced my first depressive episode. It was completely overwhelming and disabling; I was often unable to cook for myself, or do any of my uni work. Many of my assignments were completed from bed, simply because I didn’t have the energy to get up. It was around this time that I also began to really struggle with social anxiety disorder,
although I didn’t realise it for a while. It’s bizarre, because anyone who I’ve met over the past few years wouldn’t recognise me if they turned back time, and visited me then. I was a different person. For one thing, I was silent pretty much all of the time. Over the course of three years, I managed to make only a few proper friends, and I spent much of my time on my own. I was heavily involved in the student newspaper, so I had loads of opportunities to make friends, but I was simply unable to form relationships with people. I just could not speak. It was frustrating, as I knew that I had so much more to give, but I could not let it out. I remember describing it as feeling trapped inside my own head, and anxiety truly defined those three years of my life. I was sure that I would never be able to form connections with other people again, but I was completely wrong. One more depressive episode, and multiple rounds of therapy later, I graduated from university with a 2:1 and a burning ambition to work in book publishing. During that gaping space between graduating and embarking on my career, and in the absence of the student newspaper, I was gasping for a new creative outlet. >>>
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Along came Instagram, and one evening I spontaneously created a new account, inspired by the many book-themed accounts that I had been following over the years. I was hooked from the moment that I started Julia’s Bookcase, and four years later I now have more than 20,000 followers, an award-winning website of the same name, and an exciting part-time job where I’m able to be my own boss. For someone with crippling social anxiety, the ‘bookstagram’ community became a low-pressure place for me to gently exercise my social skills. Through commenting on other people’s posts, and sending occasional Instagram messages, I was able to tentatively start building up a new network for myself. When I moved to London at the start of 2017, I was able to tap into that community in real life, and actually meet up with friends I’d met online. Amazingly, I’m pleased to say that I’m now much more confident and no longer struggle with social anxiety. It hasn’t gone away – I still regularly feel anxious after, and during, social interactions – but it doesn’t hold me back any more, and it doesn’t stop me from feeling happy!
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We often only talk about the negative aspects of social media: the bullying, trolls, and endless opportunities for self-comparison. But for me, it was a lifeline We often talk about the negative aspects of social media: the bullying, trolls, and endless opportunities for self-comparison. But for me, it was a lifeline. I may have overcome my struggle with social anxiety, but life is still far from perfect. I suffer from depression and, to date, I’ve been through five separate depressive episodes in just six years. It’s exhausting. Fortunately, I’ve had some brilliant support, both from my managers at work and my GP, which has helped me to cope. At the moment I’m trying to find the right combination of medication and therapy that will stabilise my moods, and allow me to live a normal life. I fight this illness every day, and although it’s likely that I’ll have this condition for the rest of my life, I will never, ever give up. Looking back on my teenage years, I’m honestly not surprised that I ended up struggling with
true story
my mental health. I was bullied throughout secondary school. From my very first day, I found myself at the bottom of the social hierarchy. While I did have a strong group of friends, outside of that, much of my year group seemed to be against me. I’m not totally sure why, but those kids hated me with a passion. Over the course of five years, I was consistently ridiculed and publicly humiliated – for my red hair, my slightly overweight pubescent body, my face, clothes, and personality. Aged 12, I felt worthless every day. I remember one point where I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up
as a different person, with a different life. I had food thrown at me in the lunch hall, obscenities screamed at me in the street, and songs sung about me in the corridors. One particularly mean-spirited boy would tell me on a weekly basis that I deserved to be shot and, although I’m very much over what happened to me at school, trauma like that never fully leaves you. Jumping back to the present day, Instagram remains a happy place for me. Life is still difficult, but I’m working through it all the time. If you’re feeling untethered, and in need of a space where you can unapologetically be yourself, then I implore you to carve out a second home online. It’s not even a slight exaggeration: Instagram well and truly changed my life.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Julia experienced a lot, from being bullied in school to depressive episodes at university. Social anxiety made it difficult to form relationships that would help her live and build the life that she hoped for. Therapy helped, but the turning point came when she embraced social media, where she found a community she
could connect with safely, at her own pace. Paying attention to our own self-care needs can help us find the relationships and communities in which we feel safe, and able to blossom. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor
happiful.com | October 2021 | 39
How to stop shame spirals in their tracks When emotions run high, and it feels like you’re stuck on a slippery downward slope, follow these tips to find balance again Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
stress-free
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t’s something that a lot of us may have experienced, and the result can be a knocked sense of self-confidence, and ongoing feelings of anxiety. When it comes to shame spirals, what may have begun as a small issue – e.g. being late for a meeting – can escalate into something much bigger as you begin to berate yourself to an excessive degree. “A shame spiral happens when we get stuck on a negative event, and instead of letting go, we hold on to it, meaning negative thoughts grow from it, increasing its significance,” says counsellor Chris Mounsher. “It can mean we shift our thinking from ‘I made a mistake,’ to ‘I am a mistake.’” So, if you find yourself in the midst of a shame spiral, what steps can you take to break free?
1. Understand the shame “The first step in stopping the shame spiral is being aware that it’s happening,” says Chris. “When you feel yourself being triggered, pay attention to what’s going on. Think about what has happened, and how the single event that triggered things has grown into something much bigger. Be aware of the common thoughts that come up when you feel shame, as these will help you spot the pattern in the future.” Once you’ve established these patterns, and learned to recognise your triggers, you can approach these with the self-knowledge that you need to respond to them accordingly. Plus, you can choose to take a step back if you think something is going to become triggering.
2. Be mindful The practise of mindfulness can help us with a whole host of mental health experiences, and Chris recommends tapping into these skills when it comes to dealing with shame spirals.
W h a t ’s i m p o r t a n t is the active choice to do something positive when you f e e l l i ke b e i n g angry at yourself “Staying in the moment can help slow your mind down and halt runaway thoughts. Try to pause, and pay attention to what’s happening. Ask yourself what you’re feeling right now, and what messages you’re telling yourself. Get in touch with your body, and sense that it’s trying to keep you safe. Slow your breathing and sit down, concentrate on the feeling of the ground beneath you. This will help you to feel more grounded.”
3. Be compassionate “A shame spiral focuses on feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and encourages you to blame and criticise yourself. Being compassionate is a vital part in redressing the balance,” says Chris. “When you’re about to berate yourself, hold in mind what is happening, and remember that you are allowed to give yourself a break.”
As Chris recommends, try doing something you enjoy, or which harnesses positive feelings towards yourself – such as repeating supportive affirmations, journaling about your feelings, or engaging in your favourite self-care activity. “What’s important is the active choice to do something positive when you feel like being angry at yourself,” says Chris.
4. Reach out to others Calling on your support system during difficult times can be hugely beneficial, particularly when you’re experiencing a shame spiral and need to be reminded of the reality. “Shame is an incredibly lonely place, but you are not alone,” says Chris. “Many people feel the same way, and there is more support than you imagine.” Chris points to a quote from Brené Brown, who said: “Shame cannot survive being spoken.” “Find someone you trust and tell them how you’re feeling,” he advises. “Talking with a trusted person will give you a fresh perspective on what’s happening, which will challenge the spiral’s negative views.”
Chris Mounsher is a humanistic counsellor with experience working with anxiety, addiction, and depression. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 41
Embrace being a beginner Starting something from scratch holds so much potential – for growth, enjoyment, exploration… and nerves. But don’t let a fear of failure put a stop to your love of learning Writing | Caroline Butterwick
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hether learning a language or penning poetry, there are lots of opportunities to develop fresh skills. But alongside the excitement of starting something new can come anxiety about whether we’ll be good enough. With so many benefits to exploring unknown talents and broadening our knowledge, the question is: what can we do to feel more confident about learning a skill or hobby, and embrace being a beginner?
The benefits of learning I’ve always loved singing. Growing up, I was told I was bad at it, though I still happily sang along to my favourite songs. My passion continued to adulthood, and I used to sing in the shower or when cooking. I then faced a period of mental ill-health, and my confidence dropped. Along
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with finding things harder with work and socialising, I stopped my musical hobby. Recently, as I’ve continued to recover and rediscover myself, I wanted to find my voice again. A few months ago, I found myself sitting in front of my laptop for one-to-one singing lessons. All day, my mind had been full of conflicting thoughts. Part of me was really looking forward to the lesson, but I was also nervous and full of selfdoubt. Could I really learn this? What if I was a hopeless cause? Would I just embarrass myself? Learning something new can be scary, but also so worthwhile. To find out more, I spoke to Kirsty Taylor, a psychotherapist and counsellor who has experience in coaching. “Learning a new skill or starting a new hobby are great ways to improve both our wellbeing and mental health,”
Kirsty tells me. “Learning new things can keep our mind engaged and our body active. It can also boost your selfconfidence, and increase your self-esteem as you interact with other people, master something new, and do something out of your comfort zone.” Our brains benefit too, as learning can improve our brain health and memory. “A new hobby can increase your sense of purpose, reduce stress, and give you the confidence to overcome challenges,” Kirsty adds. “In short, there are only good things that come out of learning new skills, and taking up new hobbies!” I felt some of these benefits straight away, leaving my first lesson with a sense of achievement. I’d talked about having singing lessons for years, and now I was proud of myself for finally giving it a go.
positive pointers
Letting go of perfectionism
The point of new hobbies is to try something different. It’s about having fun, and embracing the process of learning
Perhaps you’ve always wanted to learn to paint, but memories of being told you’re not good during art class at school are holding you back. “It’s important not to let this dictate how your new learning experience goes,” advises Kirsty. “The only person’s opinion that matters is your own,” she explains. “Perhaps you didn’t do well at something because you were young, because you had other pressures at the time, because you have strengths in other areas. The key thing is to remember you are doing this for your own growth and enjoyment. Who cares if you aren’t any good at it? The point of new hobbies is to try something different. And who knows, you might be fantastic at it this time around. It’s about having fun, and embracing the process of learning.” For some of us, our perfectionist tendencies can make it harder to learn something new. Kirsty explains that deep in our brains, we have a primeval fear of not achieving, making it natural to worry about not excelling at a new activity. It’s therefore important that we go in with the right mindset. “If you go in wanting to excel at something, it is likely you will put a lot of pressure on yourself to be the best,” says Kirsty. “Instead, try to think about learning a new skill as something fun. You’ll probably make mistakes in the early stages, and learn from those.” >>>
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Throughout learning to sing, I’ve found being open to the process has made it more enjoyable. I want to do well, but I’m not pressuring myself to be immediately amazing.
Building your confidence So what can we do to feel more confident about starting a hobby? “Remember that enjoyment, pleasure, and achievement will replace anxiety as you settle into your new hobby or learning experience,” says Kirsty. Tracking our progress can also be helpful. I started a journal that I write in after each singing lesson. I record both practical elements (“Sang the first verse and chorus of ‘China’ by Tori Amos”) and how I felt (“Half an hour goes by quickly! I was disappointed it was over. Roll on next Wednesday”). 44 | October 2021 | happiful.com
Looking back through this journal now, I can trace the progress I’m making, and reflect on my growing confidence. The nerves I talked about in the earlier sessions faded, and soon I started really looking forward to my singing lessons. My teacher is great at highlighting the ways my singing has improved, and encouraging me to keep going. If you’re learning something new, getting feedback from someone you trust can really help.
says Kirsty. “We have always had to be a beginner in everything we do. Think of all the things you couldn’t do at one time in your life and that you can now. Embrace the challenge!” Knowing how I’ve improved, my ambition is to sing at an open mic night. Having that target in mind helps motivate me to keep practising. It’s also left me feeling encouraged to learn other skills. Maybe, after being hopeless at languages at school, I am actually capable of learning Italian as an adult? Learning something new is nerve-racking, but I’m feeling more able to enjoy the process. After years of being told I can’t sing, to hear myself hitting the right notes in a melody is a fantastic feeling. It’s been wonderful to dedicate time to something I enjoy, something that’s for fun – and has me singing around the house again.
Embrace learning As adults, it’s all too easy to forget the joy and satisfaction that can come with learning. “The beauty of being a beginner is that the anxiety and vulnerability you might experience allows you to grow in resilience, strength, and skill,”
Kirsty Taylor is psychotherapist and counsellor, who has experience in coaching. To find out more visit counselling-directory.org.uk
wellbeing
How to navigate life as a highly sensitive person From managing stresses, to feeling empowered by your sensitivities, we share five essential steps to help you thrive as an HSP Writing | Anna Gaunt
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t’s estimated that around 20% of us are considered a highly sensitive person (HSP) – someone who, due to an innate trait, experiences more intense emotional, mental, and physical reactions to stimuli. However, there is still little understanding around what it means to be highly sensitive. If you are an HSP, you have probably been told by others that you’re too sensitive, too emotional, or that you overthink things. People may also say that you’re creative, conscientious, and a good listener. Like most personality traits, being highly sensitive is a gift, but can also come with challenges. Due to the
lack of understanding around being highly sensitive, many HSPs can feel that there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. However, there are also many HSPs who thrive in the bustling world that we live in today, and there are ways that you, too, can learn to manage stress, and navigate a happy, healthy life as an HSP. Here are five tips to get you started.
Get rid of any preconceptions It is important that, as an HSP, you understand what being highly sensitive means – and even more importantly, what it means to you. Research
psychologist, Dr Elaine N Aron, who coined the term ‘Highly Sensitive Person’ in her 1996 book title, says that many HSPs are mislabelled as shy, or introverts. Despite this, 30% of HSPs are actually extroverts, and feel at their most relaxed when surrounded by other people. Although introverts and HSPs both experience a rich inner life with their thoughts and feelings, it is important to recognise that they are separate traits. Many HSPs are also told that they are thin-skinned and need to ‘toughen up’, which is why many of us are led to believe that our sensitivity makes us weak. Although what you read >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 45
about HSPs may not fully align with your experience, getting rid of these preconceptions and learning more, can bring you closer to feeling empowered.
Follow the science In scientific terms, being highly sensitive is known as sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). This should not be confused with the neurological condition sensory processing disorder (SPD), where the brain has difficulty receiving messages from the senses. SPS, according to researcher Bianca Acevedo, is “a biologicallybased trait characterised by increased awareness and sensitivity to the environment”. With increasing awareness of SPS, it is becoming an area of scientific, as well as societal, interest. A 2014 functional MRI (fMRI) study published in the Brain and Behaviour Journal found that HSPs have stronger activation in the regions of the brain involved in awareness, empathy, and processing information.
Work on your self-awareness Self-awareness is important in many aspects of life, from our careers to our relationships, but being self-aware is even more important if you’re 46 | October 2021 | happiful.com
wellbeing
A great benefit of setting boundaries is that when you have more energy, you can really use your sensitivity as the strength that it can be highly sensitive. Understanding your emotions, strengths, and challenges can also help you to identify your triggers as an HSP. Loud noises, busy crowds, bright lights, strong smells, and long to-do lists can all lead to overstimulation in HSPs. Getting to know your triggers can help you to find a comfortable balance between boredom and overstimulation. It can also help you to find strategies to manage stress and overwhelm. These could be listening to soft music to block out external sounds, avoiding shops at busy times, or singletasking at work. Becoming selfaware can help you to understand what is best for you, as opposed to tending to the needs of others, and feeling pressured to ‘keep up’ with non-HSPs.
Set healthy boundaries Setting boundaries, and learning to say no can be particularly difficult if you’re highly sensitive. This is because of the fact that not only are you hyper-aware of changes to other people’s emotions and body language, but you may also feel their emotions on a deeper level. Remember that you can be polite, kind, and caring, and still say no. Try to take note of places or people that deplete your energy, or leave you
feeling overstimulated. If there are particular situations that you cannot avoid, you may find it helpful to visualise physical boundaries around yourself to protect your energy. A great benefit of setting boundaries is that when you have more energy, you can really use your sensitivity as the strength that it can be.
Find a work-life balance Burnout is a common challenge that HSPs face as a result of the stimuli in their work environment. As an HSP, you may be drawn to more emotionally demanding careers, such as teaching, social work, or nursing, due to your compassionate nature. Research has also shown that HSPs are often relied upon in the workplace for their conscientiousness, and attention to detail. Working from home, a new concept for many of us this year, is one measure that can help to manage workrelated overstimulation. Least surprising for HSPs, a study from TalkTalk found that more than half of UK workers were more productive when working from home. But whether you work in a bustling environment, or a quiet home office, ensuring that you set boundaries and listen to your body can help contribute to a healthy work-life balance.
Engage in self-care Because of the heightened central nervous system in HSPs, self-care is arguably the most essential way to look after your wellbeing. Self-care can take many different forms, but practising restorative yoga can be an extremely beneficial form of self-care for HSPs. Restorative yoga is the practice of deliberate stillness, and it uses a series of floor-based yoga poses and props to allow the body to feel safe and supported. “As sensitive beings, we have intrinsic mental and emotional programming intimately tied up with our survival. In the restorative class, the outer stillness reflects inner stillness, and we tap-in to the parasympathetic nervous system, which is our rest, restore, and recuperation response,” says Jodie Jeacock, yoga teacher and founder of Ashtanga Yoga Chesterfield. “For a world that asks us to be busy and keep ‘doing’, restorative yoga has the antidote to create stillness.” But if yoga isn’t for you, spending time alone, in nature or with animals, walking, painting, and mindfulness, are all forms of self-care that can help to manage stress, and enable you to live your best life as an HSP. happiful.com | October 2021 | 47
Ghoulish goodies No need to fear our three deliciously spooky Halloween snacks Writing | Kate Dimmer
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he scary season is upon us and this year, the food really does have eyes! Here at Happiful we love an excuse to dress up and get creative in the kitchen, and this Halloween is no different. From devilishly good desserts to scary snacks, it’s time to (trick or) treat yourself, friends, family, and neighbours to these tasty ghoulish goodies.
Halloween potato skin pizzas Makes 4 Ingredients • 300g jar tomato passata or tomato pizza base sauce (if making at home see below) • 2 large red-skinned baking potatoes, scrubbed • Olive oil • Grated mozzarella cheese • Handful of peppers • Handful of olives • Handful of mushrooms • Handful of carrots Homemade pizza sauce (optional) • 1 can of chopped tomatoes • Pinch of dried oregano • 1 tbsp tomato puree • Pinch of salt and pepper 48 | October 2021 | happiful.com
Method 1. Preheat the oven to 180oC. 2. If making the sauce, empty a can of tomatoes into a pan and simmer gently. Season with oregano, a spoonful of tomato puree, salt and pepper, and stir well (you can also blend with a stick blender). Set to one side. 3. Cut the potatoes in half lengthways and prick them all over. Brush the skins with olive oil. Place the halved potatoes on a baking sheet, and bake for 45 minutes until tender. 4. When tender, scoop out some of the potato, leaving a shallow layer of potato in each skin.
Keep the scooped out potato for something else, such as fish cakes or mash. 5. Take each potato skin, layer on the tomato sauce, grated cheese and arrange the toppings into creepy monster faces. 6. Bake for a further 10 minutes until the cheese is bubbly.
food & health
The healthy bit
Frozen banana monster lollies Makes 4 Ingredients • 100g dark chocolate • 2 bananas • 4 lolly sticks • 3 tbsp desiccated coconut • Handful of edible eyes Method 1. Gently melt the chocolate in a bowl on a pan of hot water, or use the microwave. 2. Cut the bananas in half horizontally, and insert a lolly stick into each half. Either dip the ends of the banana in the melted chocolate, or drizzle it on in messy zig zags. 3. Sprinkle over the coconut if using (you might like to drizzle on some more chocolate after). 4. Add the edible eyes to create your monsters. 5. Lay the bananas carefully on baking paper and place in the freezer for 1–2 hours. Options: cut the bananas into bitesized chunks for smaller lollies. Chopped hazelnuts could be used as sprinkles instead of coconut, or leave without nuts.
Spooky oaty energy balls Makes 6–8 balls Ingredients • 100g nut butter • 40g honey • 70g rolled oats • 20g sunflower seeds • 20g dark chocolate chips (optional) • Handful of edible eyes Method 1. In a bowl, add the nut butter and honey, and mix thoroughly. 2. Stir in the rest of the ingredients until fully mixed. 3. Take small spoonfuls of mixture (about 4cm in diameter) and roll into balls. Push the edible eyes into the balls. 4. Line a container with baking paper and gently place the energy balls inside. Refrigerate for 30 minutes and serve. Can be kept refrigerated for up to seven days.
The monster banana lollies are fun to make, and full of goodness. Bananas are a source of fibre, and contain high levels of many vitamins and minerals including vitamin B6, key for brain development, and manganese which contributes to brain function and bone formation. Dark chocolate (which is dairy-free) is a great source of antioxidants, particularly polyphenols. Polyphenols can balance the good and bad bacteria in the gut. These scrumptious ‘pizzas’ are gluten-free, and a high-fibre alternative to a traditional pizza base. The crispy potato skins are packed with energy-boosting nutrients, including B vitamins and folate, important for the nervous system. Tomato sauce adds a dash of antioxidants from the carotenoid family – beta carotene, lutein, and lycopene. The oat balls contain high fibre, slow-release carbohydrates so provide energy gradually, without a quick sugar spike. The sunflower seeds, together with the oats and nut butter, make this a protein-packed snack, again keeping blood sugar levels more stable than conventional treats. Sunflower seeds are also are high in antioxidants vitamin E, selenium, as well as magnesium, important for bone strength and energy production. Kate Dimmer is a nutritionist, and health coach. Find more on her profile at nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 49
Get RED-y
for January
Earlier this year Happiful joined forces with RED to bring people together with a shared purpose: to move for our mood and mental health. Now, we’ve got our collective sights set on 2022 and getting ‘out there’ again, with realistic everyday activities
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s I write, autumn is just around the corner. I’m imagining you’re reading this article with brilliant blue skies, leaves beginning to turn golden, and the last of the lingering sun on your skin. Right now, January 2022 might feel pretty far away – but it’s never too early to make plans your future self will thank you for. One way to do this could be by taking part in a challenge that will motivate and see you through one of the bleakest months of the year, and beyond... If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, you’re in luck! Happiful is signing up to RED January once again, to promote movement for mental health and mood management – and we’d love you to join us on this journey.
What is RED January? Five years ago, founder Hannah Beecham started RED January after witnessing the transformative effect regular exercise had for her mum, who 50 | October 2021 | happiful.com
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
was recovering from a period of severe depression. Hannah set about developing an initiative to help others, too, with a mission to make it inclusive, provide daily support, and a friendly community. With January often seen as a time for new beginnings, but when resources are sometimes low, and the isolation brought by shorter, darker days can be hard, Hannah recognised this as a perfect time for the challenge to start. Those taking part would not only have the opportunity to connect with others across the country, but they’d focus on mood and movement throughout the month, and have the option to raise funds for a mental health charity to help others along the way. Fast forward to 2021, and now tens of thousands of people take part every January. RED’ers continue to be supported by the uber-friendly online community, as well as Happiful’s team of experts who lend professional advice through webinars, podcasts, and other content, to
assist with mindset, keeping selfacceptance high on the agenda, and celebrating even the smallest of wellbeing wins.
Realistic everyday movement Plans are already well underway for 2022, with winter warm-up routines to get us in the mood to move come the new year. This year’s guiding theme is ‘realistic, everyday actions’; focusing on achievable and consistent activities that help us feel better on a daily basis. So, where do you start? Here, Hannah kindly shares her own, well-practised methods of motivation for your inspiration. “The key thing for me is preparation,” she explains. “That might mean putting my running clothes out before I go to bed, or organising a work meeting in a place I can walk, run, or cycle to and from. I also like to try new forms of movement, and book sessions in advance so I have something to look forward to” Hannah also takes inspiration from fellow RED’ers. “I’ve heard
food & health
There’s just so many creative ways to get your movement in on a daily basis
Founder Hannah Beecham
Realistic, everyday... and fun
about great realistic everyday examples of movement that can easily be incorporated into the working day. From doing squats every time you boil the kettle, to encouraging walking work calls or meetings. There’s just so many creative ways to get your movement in on a daily basis.” Registration for RED January 2022 opens on 4 October. We’d love you to join our mutual mission to improve our mood and wellbeing through movement, and you can also raise money for Sport in Mind should you wish to! Visit redtogether.co.uk and do that thing you future self will thank you for...
5 minutes a day Coffee, squat, and bicep curl. Grab two large tins or bottles, and work those arms and legs while waiting for the kettle to boil. If this isn’t possible for you in terms of movement or ability, you can adapt by adding in a different exercise that gets your heart rate up. 15 minutes a day Make an appointment with dance – morning, afternoon and evening! Three songs, three opportunities to get your blood pumping and your mood lifted. Set an alarm on your phone for your daily dance appointments, and treat them as you would a work meeting. Show up and throw some shapes!
Up to 30 minutes a day YouTube lucky dip. Type in the movement you’re in the mood for and the time you have – ‘stretch 15 mins’, ‘dance class 20 mins’, or ‘yoga 30 mins’ – and try the first video that catches your eye. Keep mixing it up! 30+ minutes Pick a podcast and walk. Walking, or moving briskly in a way that works for you, while listening to a full podcast, is a great way to move while being entertained, inspired, or educated. Share your mood-enhancing movement tips with us, using #realisticeveryday #happiful #REDJanuary
happiful.com | October 2021 | 51
Home is any four walls that enclose the right person HELEN ROWLAND
Photography | Vladislav Filippov
52 | October 2021 | happiful.com
stress-free
Brushing up on bruxism
The pain of teeth grinding is something many people struggle with, and yet lots don’t even realise they’re doing it – though they certainly feel it. Here, we get to the root of bruxism, and how to stop it leaving you ground down Writing | Rachael Sigee
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few years ago I was eating a Twix, when one of my teeth completely disintegrated. I was upset and embarrassed. I didn’t understand how I had gone from never having a filling, to bits of broken tooth crumbling into my hand. When my dentist suggested I was grinding my teeth, she was being tactful; I was pulverising them. Recently it was reported that one in 10 people in the UK grind their teeth, while other research suggests it’s between 15–20%, but the true figure is likely to be higher since studies rely on selfreporting, and often people will not be aware that they grind their teeth until a dentist or a partner tells them.
THE DAILY GRIND Some dentists believe that teeth grinding – or bruxism – helps generate saliva and fight tooth decay. It could also be due to existing dental issues, or a sleep disorder. One recent study suggested it might actually be part of cognitive function; a sign that we are literally chewing things over. Ultimately, experts don’t know exactly why we do it, but they tend to agree on one thing: it is often caused, and exacerbated, by stress. Dr Ahmed Hussain, an associate dentist at Harrow-on-the-Hill Dental and Implant Practice, says: “I have teenagers complaining of jaw pain because they’ve got an exam coming up, or it could be adults going through a difficult time, a divorce.”
Psychotherapist, Natasha Crowe, compares it to other, more familiar physical manifestations of mental health issues such as tension headaches and IBS: “The body gives us signals that we’re under stress, but we tend to ignore them.” OPEN WIDE In Olive’s case, her teeth grinding had gone undetected for some time: “I had no idea I was doing it until my dentist told me that my back teeth were cracking with hairline fractures.” Dr Ahmed says cases where tooth breakage suddenly appears are not uncommon: “You look at someone’s teeth and they don’t have any fillings, so it’s nothing to do with what they’re eating or >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 53
I have regular acupuncture to treat both the pain in my jaw, and also the underlying anxiety their oral hygiene.” Sometimes, the grinding is so bad that he can tell before he even examines closely: “The edge of their teeth is dead straight, and that’s not natural to see.” Good teeth are often a sign that we are taking care of ourselves, and it can be distressing to face unexpected dental work. The dream where all your teeth fall out is much scarier when the very act of going to sleep makes the nightmare a potential reality. GROUND DOWN Dr Ahmed treats around two patients a week for bruxism, and often this is accompanied by chronic headaches, insomnia, and jaw pain. He recalls a patient who “when her jaw locked, went into panic mode and couldn’t unlock it”. There are also those who clench their jaws during the day, which Dr Simon Stern, a specialist periodontist and implant dentist at The Perio Centre on Harley Street, calls “awake bruxism”. “It doesn’t need to just be the dynamic movement,” he says. “It can be static – sitting there, clenching the muscles in your head.” 54 | October 2021 | happiful.com
In these cases, jaw and breathing exercises, warm compresses, and anti-inflammatory medication, can help to reduce pain and tension. But what about when we’re asleep? ON GUARD “When it’s a subconscious thing at night time, it’s almost like you’ve got no control over it,” says Natasha Crowe. This is where the most common treatment for teeth grinding comes in: the dreaded mouthguard. Bruxism sufferer Jade admits: “I would wake up to find I’d spat it out or thrown it across the room.” With my guard in, I initially found it hard to fall asleep, and felt nauseous. And it’s hardly romantic, although the lesser of two evils when the alternative is keeping a partner awake with grinding, which can affect intimacy. Unfortunately there is no magic solution to getting used to it, although a custom-made mouthguard is likely to be more comfortable. I persevered, and Dr Stern insists, it’s worth it: “The guard can work not just to protect the teeth, but actually to reduce or eliminate the bruxism.” BREAK THE HABIT “Bruxism isn’t necessarily there for life,” says Dr Stern. “It can come and go.”
This was the experience for Jo, who says: “I haven’t experienced the symptoms for a while; my body tends to cycle through different physical symptoms when I’m stressed, and at the moment, I’m not in a jaw-clenching phase.” This is why it’s important to tackle teeth grinding from more than one angle: a mouthguard to minimise damage, but also, addressing contributing factors.
When my dentist suggested I was grinding my teeth, she was being tactful; I was pulverising them Natasha Crowe says that grinding our teeth is part of the pattern of how stress and anxiety lead to tension in the body: “The body can’t relax and feel tension at the same time,” she says. “One client said to me, ‘It’s like I take a breath in the morning and I don’t let it out until I get home,’ and it’s so true.” The manifestations of that tension can easily compound stress or anxiety. It becomes a vicious cycle, and finding a balance can be tricky. Charlie
suffers from generalised anxiety disorder, and discovered that anti-anxiety medication made her bruxism worse: “I started to get a really stiff, sore jaw, and noticed a clicking sound when I opened and closed my mouth. Now, I have regular acupuncture to treat both the pain in my jaw, and also the underlying anxiety, which I have found really helpful.” Like Charlie discovered, while teeth grinding treatment is focused on protecting and saving the teeth, prevention is much more holistic. Dr Ahmed talks to his patients about reducing stress: “Things like relaxing music, exercising, and mindfulness. Sometimes we refer patients to a psychiatrist or a GP regarding CBT.” The most important thing is to acknowledge it, says Natasha: “Once you become aware of it, you the have the ability to take control and have the power over it.”
Natasha Crowe provides one-toone counselling, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy. Find out more and get in contact with Natasha by visiting hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 55
RISE UP WITH
SELF LOVE Nearly 1 in 2 people feel more self-doubt than self-love.* We believe that self-love is our superpower and together we can fight for change. Join the self-love uprising at www.thebodyshop.com
*A global report conducted by The Body Shop between November 22 and December 8, 2020 across 21 countries. To find out more go to www.thebodyshop.com © 2021 The Body Shop International Limited All rights reserved Absolutely no reproduction without the permission of the owners
try this at home
7 habits that will change your life
We share the little life hacks that help us feel our best every day Writing | Ellen Hoggard
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hat’s the secret to a happy life? OK, we don’t know the answer to that – in fact, we don’t think there is just one. But while there’s no magic formula to achieving a blissful existence, there are daily habits we believe can truly help us feel good in ourselves, and make a positive change in the long-term...
Nail your AM routine
Set your alarm for the same time every day. Get up as soon as it goes off, grab yourself some water, a hoodie, and get outside. Whether you listen to a podcast, music, or simply the birdsong, there’s no better way to start your day than breathing in the fresh air, moving your body, and smiling at fellow walkers.
Hydrate!
Invest in a decent water bottle, and fill it first thing in the morning. Set regular reminders on your phone to take a drink, or even mark timings on the bottle itself. There are so many benefits to staying hydrated, and you really do feel the difference. If you don’t like the taste of water, experiment with sliced fruit, mint, or cucumber, for added flavour.
Laugh every day
Watch your favourite TV show, scroll on TikTok, tell jokes to a colleague. Whatever makes you laugh, allow yourself some time to do it each day. Life is too short to not be smiling.
Talk to friends
Life gets busy, but make it a habit to speak to a loved one every day. Whether a 30-minute phone call, a voice note, or even a Whatsapp message, take time to ‘just say hi’ and check how they’re doing.
Write down your achievements
At the end of the day, make a note of one thing you’re proud of, and one thing you’re grateful for. It could be work-related, or something as simple as finally booking that appointment. Writing these things down can help to keep us grounded, but also remind us of how much we’re achieving, even on the days when it feels like the opposite.
Do something for you
We spend a lot of our time doing things for others, or because we have to. So, spend at least one hour every day doing something for yourself – reading a book,
going to the gym, or taking yourself out for a coffee. This will take some getting used to, but by putting yourself and your needs first, you’re actually in a better position to help others when they need it.
Sleep
You can’t nail your morning routine without a decent night’s sleep. You know how much you need to feel your best, but seven to eight hours is recommended. Make your bedroom a sanctuary: dull lighting, cool temperatures, and perhaps even a lavender sleep spray for ultimate cosy vibes. Switch off devices an hour before bedtime and settle in. happiful.com | October 2021 | 57
HAPPIFUL TOP 10
October
From learning new habits, to taking time to catch up on hotly-anticipated film releases, we share 10 things to do this October
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Inga Skeie
Inga Skeie is the ultimate knitting enthusiast, who takes her latest project everywhere she goes. Creating socks, jumpers, and everything in between, by hand, she shares her tips, tricks, and creativity with her followers. Whether you’re thinking about picking up knitting needles for the first time, or you’re looking for your next pattern, Inga will make a great addition to your feed. (Follow @knittingtraditions on Instagram)
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PAGE-TURNERS
The Face Yoga Journal As an undated journal that can be started at any time of year, the Face Yoga Journal encourages you to take a little time out of each day to practise techniques and exercises designed to help you reap the rewards of a revitalised face and mind. (Out 28 September, Watkins Publishing, £14.99)
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PLUGGED-IN
4
LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Bookclub’
With more than 200 archived episodes, BBC Radio 4’s ‘Bookclub’ podcast, hosted by James Naughtie, features famous authors talking about their greatest novels and answering questions from readers. Featuring chats with everyone from Naomi Alderman to Liane Moriarty, these 30-minute snippets of conversation offer a deep dive into some wonderful stories. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)
PUT ON A SHOW Ginger & Spice Festival 2021
If spicy food tickles your taste buds, then head over to Shropshire this September. The Ginger & Spice Festival, in Market Drayton, hosts local and artisan producers, tasting courses, and even has goody bags. For those interested in seeing the sites, there is also a heritage trail to follow for a foodie adventure. (Visit gingerandspicefest.co.uk to find out more)
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5
OUT AND ABOUT Zip wiring
If you enjoy seeking out your next thrill, finding your nearest zip wire could be an exhilarating way to spend the weekend. A fantastic way to get the adrenaline flowing and enjoy the landscape at speed, zip wires are a great way to let off some steam. No previous experience is necessary, so zip wires can be enjoyed by beginners, and the whole family. (Search ‘zip wire’ to find a location near you)
culture
6
TECH TIP-OFFS Fabulous
Sticking to a habit can be challenging, even once you’ve decided you want to make a change. Offering easy ways to track water consumption, sleep, and fitness, alongside providing suggestions for self-care, relaxation, and ideas for morning routines, Fabulous is a great way to find methods that work for you. (Download from the App Store or Google Play)
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Dear Evan Hansen
GET GOING Roller skating
How many of us were given roller skates as a child, loved them, but one day just seemed to outgrow them and never picked them up again? Although it can be scary to get started, roller skating can be a great way to roam around. You could even find a class near you to skate around with others. (Search ‘roller skating class’ to find a venue near you)
Dear Evan Hansen follows Evan who has social anxiety disorder, and his journey to learning about himself after the suicide of a fellow school pupil. After a letter that was never meant to be seen surfaces, he is given the chance he has always wanted – the chance to fit in. (Available in cinemas from 22 October)
I Pledge Yoga Gift Box – YANA Active | yanaactive.co.uk
World Mental Health Day
It can be really difficult to strike up a conversation with your friends, family, or colleagues about mental health, but World Mental Health Day can be a great ice-breaker. Talking openly about what mental health is, and how to improve it, can be a great way to destigmatise the subject. (10 October, visit mentalhealth.org.uk to learn more)
SQUARE EYES
8
THE CONVERSATION
TREAT YOURSELF I Pledge Yoga Gift Box – YANA Active
Including a pack of illustrated yoga tutorial cards, a candle to help you create your own serene environment, and a microfiber hand towel to wipe away your workout, the YANA box is bound to take your session to a whole new relaxing level. The box also hosts a set of prompt cards to help you think positively throughout the rest of your day. (RRP £30, visit yanaactive.co.uk)
WIN!
Win an I Pledge Yoga Gift Box – YANA Active For your chance to win a yoga set, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of these is the largest muscle in the human body? a) Bicep
b) Gluteus maximus
c) Soleus
*Competition closes 21 October 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!
happiful.com | October 2021 | 59
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true story
The fine art of recovery Depression forced Andy out of the teaching career he’d enjoyed for years. Then a challenge from a friend revealed a hidden talent – and opened a door to a new life Writing | Andy Knill
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fter seven mental breakdowns in 16 years, what have I learned? That the lows can be crushing; but that there is also an amazing ability to keep going, to search for something brighter. There’s been a big change of career along the way, as well. This is my story about hope, how important it is to keep talking, and how art rescued my life. When I started a photography blog in January 2011, I had no idea about the journey I was starting. How only a few years later, it would become a huge part of my life and my ongoing mental health journey. As a society, we are getting better at talking about mental health. And the funny thing is that when you start talking, not only do you make yourself more open and vulnerable, but you make others around you open up and understand that it’s OK to be vulnerable, too. It’s a safe space. I have had highs and lows in my mental health for years. I was a geography teacher for decades and spent hours drawing places like Old Harry Rocks and the Dorset Jurassic Coast to explain erosion or rock strata. I now live on that same coast and instead of drawing rock strata, I draw for my new career – as an artist with my own gallery in Swanage.
During my time teaching, I always found that because I was open about mental health, my students would come to talk to me. I always did what I could, and campaigned to get support for students. It’s important that people feel believed and supported once they have been brave enough to speak up. In November 2013, after another phase of depression, I was signed off work. I wondered if I’d ever return to the classroom, and what I’d do next. I was on medication and tried an online ‘Beating the Blues’ cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) course. I thought: OK, therapy and meds, what else can I do? I went walking, cycling, and kayaking. I felt like a hexagonal peg in a round hole and, despite my best efforts, at the end of September 2015 I was at the lowest I had been in a very long time. I had always come out of times like this before, but in that moment, I was totally lost. That October, I was signed off work and reviewed my medication with my GP. I kept telling myself I would come out of it – I just didn’t know when. But in that darkness, there was a bit of light; a teacher friend set me an art challenge, and I did my own unique interpretation of ‘Balinese Girl’ by Vladimir Tretchikoff. >>>
happiful.com | October 2021 | 61
I sent it off and eagerly awaited feedback – which was supportive. I have always loved using marker pens to draw, but I was put off art at school. But the truth is that art is for everyone, it’s not about being the best, it’s about having fun and enjoying that moment. In May 2016 I had an interview for a teaching job in Dorset, and ended up moving to the county. Sadly, six months later, after another period of depression, I did what I had thought unthinkable – I left teaching. I left in tears and drove and drove, feeling like I couldn’t go home to those I loved as I believed I had failed them. My mood was lurching like a subterranean rollercoaster, occasionally surfacing briefly before plunging back into another dark, dank tunnel. I did, however, manage to get out to explore the coastline, taking photos and doing sketches. It took time to grieve for the career I’d spent 30 of my 52 years working in, but eventually, on 31 January, 2017, I started my art blog. I never thought of myself as an artist, it was just something I loved to do. But I became engrossed, and completed several artworks a day. I could focus, and the racing thoughts just left for a bit.
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When you start talking, not only do you make yourself more open and vulnerable, but you make others open up and understand that it’s OK to be vulnerable, too I drew a sketch of the beach huts at Swanage and went to the local Tourist Information Centre – they didn’t have anything like them, so I suggested they stocked them. To my great surprise, they loved the idea. From there, I started doing different artworks based around the area. I signed up to show some work at Purbeck Arts Week, and created as much as I could to fill the space. I even did an art installation where I drew on boilersuits – the kids thought it was great fun! Having built up my work online and through my blog, I took the plunge in November 2019 and, together with another artist, opened The Courtyard Studio in the heart of Swanage. I’m passionate about encouraging people to try art, especially those who have been put off before – you just need to have fun! People think I’m an extrovert, with my loud boiler suits and hats, but I’m actually quite shy.
true story
When my depression is bad, I literally hide. I will curl up under a duvet and I won’t leave the room. I withdraw into myself. I’m now a professional artist, but that’s not to say that every day is easy. The last year, with Covid-19 and the lockdowns, has brought its own unique set of challenges. But I know now that if I can get out and walk along the beautiful Jurassic Coast, I will feel better. January marked the fourth anniversary of my business, and what a journey it has been. From not feeling like ‘a real artist’, to opening my own gallery, I feel proud of what I have created. Drawing really has rescued my life.
I can lose hours in my drawing; I’m so focused I rarely notice people watching. I now live a stone’s throw from the sea, and life is good. It’s up, it’s down, but it’s always a rich tapestry. I’d like to say to anyone who is going through this, please keep talking. Find someone you are comfortable with to talk to, someone you trust. Try to be open to different treatment options. I have been on medication for 20 years, learned CBT, and find exercise really helps. If it is your thing, look for a support group. Keep an eye out for your friends, especially if they go quiet – they are often the ones that need the most help. Be kind to yourself. Remember that to help others, you have to be in a good place yourself. Find my website at andyknillart.com, and I’ll hopefully make you smile. And if you’re ever in Swanage, please pop by and say hello!
OUR EXPERT SAYS Andy’s heart warming story shows us that we’re all unique in our experience and talents. In exploring his creativity, not only did he support his mental health, but also found a new career. It can be easy to try to make ourselves stick with something that we’ve already put a lot of time and effort into, even if it no longer suits us. There’s
a fear of failure attached to ‘giving up’. Instead, think about it as moving forward. It takes bravery to make the first step, the reward is freedom and true opportunity. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach
happiful.com | October 2021 | 63
Six ways to help manage cravings and urges
When recovering from an addiction, managing cravings isn’t easy. Here, we share six key tips to help you through these unique challenges
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t’s normal for anyone who has an addictive behaviour to experience cravings, but that doesn’t make them any less frustrating. During the initial stages of recovery, they can be intense, but over time, and with perseverance, they will subside. Cravings can be both physical and psychological in nature, and are generally most
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Writing | Paola Borella
Illustrating | Rosan Magar
intense during the withdrawal period. The brain will work overtime, and may come up with all sorts of excuses like: “This will be the last time.” As for how long
cravings will last, it isn’t possible to put a timeframe on that, but the key thing to remember is that they are not permanent. If not handled properly, cravings can lead to a relapse, so the most important thing is to
wellbeing
know your triggers and to learn strategies for dealing with them. Here are six tips to help you manage cravings and urges.
1. Be aware of your triggers A trigger is a stimulus that sparks a craving, and could include a place, time, event, person, emotion, or a withdrawal trigger – which is a biological response to the lack of an addictive substance. Try keeping a journal and taking note of when your cravings arise throughout the day, as well as your accompanying thoughts and emotions. If you know your triggers, this can help you to anticipate cravings as they surface. Consider which triggers you could avoid, but recognise that some will be unavoidable.
2. Find a distraction When a craving arises, stop what you’re doing and distract yourself with something else, which could help take your attention away from the addictive behaviour. By simply changing your routine, you may be able to shake off a craving. Consider starting a hobby, as this can provide you with something else to engage in. Perhaps you could do a creative activity such as baking, arts and crafts, writing, or anything that takes your fancy.
3. Positive self-talk Having cravings can trigger automatic responses, which are often not conscious – for
example: “I want a cigarette, so I’ll have it.” Saying no to these urges is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do. Try to replace the urges with a positive statement that overrides them. You could also write a list which contains all the reasons you’ve decided to quit your habit, as well as the negative consequences of continuing with it. Having the list to hand when you feel a craving come on could help you to overcome the urge and feel empowered.
Having cravings can trigger automatic responses, which are often not conscious – for example ‘I want a cigarette, so I’ll have it’ 4. Embrace exercise Exercise is an easy way to reduce cravings, as it releases endorphins and boosts your energy. Studies show that short periods of physical activity can help to reduce withdrawal symptoms and cravings. When a craving arises, use it as a prompt to go for a walk or jog, or even go up and down the stairs in your house a few times. If exercise isn’t part of your lifestyle, try setting aside a regular time for exercise that fits in with your personal schedule.
5. Be prepared for triggering situations If there are people, places, and things that constantly trigger cravings, it may be best to avoid them. However, it is always good to have a plan, in case you do find yourself in a triggering situation. Consider in advance what you will do and how you will leave. It may be a good idea to have someone to call for support. While avoiding triggers is important, it can be equally beneficial to replace them with healthy behaviours, such as practising meditation or spending time with people who care for you.
6. Reach out to your support network Professional treatment with a therapist may be necessary to overcome addiction, which can enable you to manage triggers and cravings as well as feel supported. It can be equally beneficial to be part of a group, to not feel alone on your journey. Consider joining a support group with other recovering addicts. Connecting with others in similar situations can really help bolster our inner strength, and offer encouragement and support.
Paola Borella is an integrative counsellor, teacher, and author. For more information, head to counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 65
Generativity:
The art of leaving your mark We go through various stages in life, but a feeling we all seem to reach at some point is the desire to make an impact on the world. Here, we explore ‘generativity’ – and how it can benefit your mental health Writing | Kat Nicholls
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f I asked: “What’s your purpose in life?”, what would you say? Your answer (and, indeed, whether or not you have an answer) will depend on a number of things, including your life experiences, your upbringing, and even your age. I’m in my mid-30s and have known my ‘purpose’ for the last few years. For me, a desire to help others feel the impact of knowing their worth has bubbled up over time, and I’m really enjoying experimenting with ways to fulfil it. I mention my age here, because it really does play a role. According to the psychologist Erik Erikson, there are eight psychosocial stages in life, and when we reach middle adulthood we enter the ‘generativity vs stagnation’ stage.
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This is the point where most people become concerned with leaving their mark on the world, and somehow contributing to wider society. If they don’t act on this desire, they may feel ‘stagnant’. It’s perhaps no surprise then, that this is when some people feel the urge to have children, leaving creations of theirs to live on when their time on earth is over. But, of course, this isn’t the only way to leave your mark.
What exactly is generativity?
Put simply, generativity means making an impact on the world by creating/accomplishing things that will benefit others, and/ or caring for others. It’s about contributing to society with the hope of leaving things better than you found them. Erikson
describes this time in our lives as the moment we realise “I am what survives me”. The reason this tends to happen during our mid-adult lives is that, by this point, most of us have come to terms with who we are. During our teenage years, we may grapple with our identity, and early adulthood is, according to Erikson, all about forming positive relationships. Once we’re through those phases, content with ourselves and our relationships, we start to think bigger. It could also be we recognise we’re not immortal, and now is the time to truly make a difference. However it is we get to this stage, once we’re here, it’s helpful to know what we can do to increase our generativity and avoid stagnation, because… well, it’s good for us.
positive pointers
It ’s about contributing to society with the hope of leaving things better than you found them
How to increase your sense of generativity
When we develop our sense of generativity, our health can improve. It’s thought that people who believe they can make a difference are more likely to engage in health-promoting behaviours. Relationships can improve too, as we strive to positively impact those around us. We’re also more likely to feel fulfilled and be a more productive member of society, which boosts happiness levels and can even lower the risk of depression.
As we mentioned, some people’s desire to leave a mark on the world leads them to have children. This can be a very literal way to leave a legacy – someone in the world to survive you once you’re gone. If having children isn’t possible for you, however, or simply isn’t something you want, there are plenty of other ways to lean into generativity, and avoid stagnation.
Connect with your community
This can happen in various ways. You might want to connect with your local community, finding out how you can support them and make the area you live in a better place – from litter picking to organising a food drive. Or, you could connect with your community online. You could join virtual hands, coming together to share experiences, support one another, and make real change. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 67
Seek inspiration
Often, when we’re feeling stagnant it’s because we’re struggling to think about how we can contribute to the world. Instead of forcing yourself to come up with an answer, be gentle with yourself and seek out inspiration. Fall deeper into your passions; go to museums, watch documentaries, and read widely. Try journaling about possibilities, and explore what lights you up. Your purpose doesn’t have to be something grand to be worthy. Take your time and let the answers find you.
Learn a new skill
An excellent way to stave off stagnation is to learn something new. This time in your life is also a great time to apply your new skill and be productive, a feeling that can give your generativity a boost.
Pass a skill onto someone else
Whether this is a new skill or a skill you’ve had in your back pocket for a long time, passing on your knowledge to someone else can be a wonderful way to increase generativity. It could be a recipe you’ve mastered that you want your family to keep, or knowledge on growing the best tomatoes. Whatever it is that you do well, share it with others. 68 | October 2021 | happiful.com
positive pointers
Psychologist Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development: • Trust vs mistrust. From birth until 18 months we are focused on developing trust in both our caregivers, and the world. • Autonomy vs shame and doubt. From 18 months to three years we start to gain independence and personal control. • Initiative vs guilt. Between the ages of three to six years, we start exerting more control over our choices. • Industry vs inferiority. From six to 12 years, our focus is on developing pride and a sense of accomplishment. • Identity vs confusion. In our teens, we forge a sense of identity. • Intimacy vs isolation. Early adulthood is focused on forming positive relationships with others. • Generativity vs stagnation. Usually occurring during middle adulthood, this is when we become concerned about contributing to society, and leaving our mark on the world. • Integrity vs despair. In late adulthood, this final stage sees us reflecting on life. If we have a sense of satisfaction, we develop integrity and wisdom – if not, we may experience despair.
Know that however you’re feeling, your voice matters. Your contribution matters
Volunteer
Giving up your time to help others has a huge number of benefits, including upping your sense of generativity. Find a cause you care about and enquire about ways you can help – it may be making tea at a care home, or designing flyers for your local charity: there’s no contribution too small.
Star t a passion project
A passion project is usually something you do outside of work that helps you fulfil your purpose. It could be starting a sidebusiness, or creating something you want to leave for others when you’re gone. When you work on
it, you’ll likely get into a state of flow that will do wonders for your happiness levels. The idea of finding a way to ‘leave your mark’ and contribute to future generations might feel a little intense at first, but hopefully reading through these suggestions will give you some food for thought. Know that however you’re feeling, your voice matters. Your contribution matters. You have something wonderful to offer the world, and now’s the time to share it. If you’re struggling to find your purpose, talking to a life coach could help. Learn more and find a coach on lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 69
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now CHINESE PROVERB
Photography | Tyler Nix
try this at home
Best foot first Next time you feel overwhelmed or anxious, try these simple grounding exercises
1. Stay in place • Whether sitting or standing, put your feet firmly on the floor. • Breathe in for the count of four. • Breathe out for the count of four. • Repeat this several times.
2. Gentle motion • Take a gentle walk, paying close attention to each step. • Consider the feeling of your foot on the floor. • Notice how your weight shifts as you move. • Breathe steadily as you focus on your body.
BONUS TIP!
If you can, remove your shoes and socks, and take a moment to feel the grass between your toes. This is known as ‘earthing’, and is believed to help with reducing stress, while improving blood flow, and sleep.
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12 steps to rebuild your life after domestic abuse The trauma of an abusive relationship doesn’t cease when the relationship does. But the good news is a brighter future is possible. We’re here to help you take that first step... Writing | Rita Edah
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urvivors of domestic abuse can find themselves in a weird space: some have described it as a limbo, others as a no man’s land, stuck in an unending stretch of grey. Some have felt like they are lost in a wilderness of confusion, uncertainty, and doubt. They are no longer in an abusive relationship, however their experiences in the relationship have so impacted them that they are not where they were before the abusive relationship. Indeed, they might even feel that they are no longer who they were as a person, before they got entangled in the relationship. Furthermore, they may have no idea where they would like to be. Many struggle with feeling lost in themselves, in addition to the loss of everything that was familiar, and apparently constant – however toxic, disabling, and disempowering that relationship might have been.
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Many struggle with feeling lost in themselves, in addition to the loss of everything that was familiar – however toxic, disabling, and disempowering that relationship might have been So, can a survivor rebuild their life after domestic abuse? Yes, of course. With patience, selfcompassion, and the right kind of support, survivors can heal and recover from domestic abuse, and even experience post-traumatic growth. Studies have indicated that some trauma survivors experience exponential growth as a consequence of their recovery from their trauma. If you find yourself lost in that wilderness of doubt and uncertainty, here are some steps many survivors have taken which helped them rebuild their lives after the trauma of domestic abuse. See which resonate with you – and only do what feels right for you, when it feels right for you.
1. Discover the dynamics of domestic abuse Learn how it works, what it does, what its underpinning philosophy seems to be. Then take a step back to review your own experiences: try to understand what happened to you. The reason this step is important is that when we understand a phenomenon, and we can acknowledge it for what it is, the grip of confusion loosens, as does the ‘stuckness’ that goes with it. In a sense, it’s like turning on the light in a dark room. When light comes in, however dim, darkness disappears.
relationships
3. Discover your limiting beliefs and mental blocks, and work towards dissolving them What do you believe about yourself and/or your situation that is keeping you stuck? For example, if you catch yourself saying something like, “I’m too old to learn new skills,” that is a limiting belief. It will keep you from doing what you need, or want, to do to improve yourself. You might wish to find inspirational stories of others who may have done what it is you’re aspiring to, who may have overcome barriers that are similar to yours. But, what if you don’t find any? Well, you could try to dig deep to find your inner resources to overcome your barriers, so you could be that inspiration for somebody else, in the way you would have wanted someone to be for you.
4. Reassess your values
2. Discover yourself, your story, and your blind spots Ask yourself difficult questions, for instance: “How did I get hooked?” This sort of inquiry is different from blaming yourself for your partner’s abusive behaviour. Here you are trying to get an understanding of how you got caught in that situation – naivety maybe? Or was it that a desperation to be with somebody meant that you overlooked red flags? Was there external pressure, including from your abusive partner? This can be a difficult process. It might be beneficial to explore this with a counsellor or psychotherapist.
What is important to you today? What makes you tick in this season? You may have lost a sense of your values in the abusive relationship. Now is an opportunity to figure out for yourself what is important to you – not anybody else, but you. Why not pause now and have a little moment of reflection on that question? Ask yourself: “What is important to me in this moment?” What came up for you? You may want to take note of it somewhere and revisit the question from time to time. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 73
6. Befriend your boundaries Your boundaries would have been severely undermined in your abusive relationship. Now that you are out of that relationship, you are in a position to figure out what your boundaries are, communicate them, and maintain them in a way that is authentic to you. An important prioritisation of your own boundaries will help your process of recovery.
7. Create a vision for you future
5. Understand your self-care needs, and prioritise them What is it that you need? Quiet time to reflect? Space to spread out and chill? Time and space to play? To get in touch with your creativity, just for the sake of it? Ways to gain financial independence? What is it that you need? How can you give yourself what you need? Will you give yourself permission to attend to your own needs?
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Your past experience does not have to mean that you cannot live a fulfilling life. Get in touch with your goals/ desires/intentions. Spend time visualising a beautiful future for yourself. As this vision grows in you, the desire to take the necessary steps will also begin to take place in you. You may wish to create an action plan for those steps, and share it with an ‘accountability buddy’ to help you stay motivated.
relationships
8. Revisit your strengths, qualities, skills and abilities That you endured and survived domestic abuse indicates that you are strong – much stronger than you might feel or recognise. You may have had your positive qualities, great skills, and abilities maligned by your abuser. They lied to you. Stop looking at yourself through your abuser’s lenses. Look at yourself through your own lenses, and the evidence that speaks volumes of your great resources.
9. Reach out and engage with healthy social networks This step can be difficult, especially as you may have become isolated in your domestic abusive experience. You may not have been believed or supported. You may have had your trust shattered. Take your time and trust your intuition, and you will find your safe people to hang out with.
10. Seek out new opportunities for growth and development – both personally and professionally Revisit previous interests and hobbies that may have fallen by the wayside while you were struggling in your abusive relationship. Try out new interests and hobbies – remember, you are free to rediscover yourself and what you enjoy.
11. Recognise that you do have a choice in your life Of course, there are aspects of our lives we have little-to-no choice over, for instance when and to whom we are born; when, where and how we may die. However, there is a lot in the in-between where we do have a choice. In the areas that you can, what would you choose for yourself today?
12. Practise selfcompassion This is important because you may have learnt to be hard on yourself, and find it difficult to be gracious to yourself. Self-compassion can help with reducing levels of anxiety and depression, while increasing a feeling of contentment and equanimity.
Quite a few questions to ponder, right? Some people have found journaling their reflections helpful. If writing isn’t your thing, speaking into a recording device is an option. There are no hard and fast rules – experiment and see what suits you best. You can have a rich, satisfying life after the trauma of domestic abuse. Many survivors have. Learning about your domestic abuse experience, understanding what healthy relationships look and feel like, seeking appropriate professional support where necessary and, most importantly, giving yourself credit for what you have overcome already, will all help with the healing, recovery, and rebuilding process. Which step are you going to start with today?
Rita Edah is a counsellor, psychotherapist, coach and counselling supervisor helping people overcome barriers and gain clarity. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 75
For more than 30 years, part of actor, writer, and director David Harewood’s life story has been obscured from his view. Now he’s discovered what really happened to his younger self, and has found peace, purpose, and liberation after coming to terms with his own experience of psychosis
D
avid Harewood is sitting in his kitchen at home in the UK, explaining he’s now happily free from quarantine after recently returning from filming in Vancouver. We’re chatting over Zoom, and seeing David’s face on the laptop in front of me feels very familiar – and no wonder. He’s just finished a six-year stint on Supergirl, having also been a regular on our screens thanks to series such as Homeland and The Night
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Writing | Lucy Donoughue
Manager, and the incredible documentaries Black is the new Black, Why is Covid Killing People of Colour?, and Psychosis and Me. The latter is one of the reasons we’re speaking. Since sharing his own experience of psychosis on the BBC documentary, David has become increasingly passionate about supporting others living with mental health challenges, and he’s willing to share his sometimes painful past to help move the conversation on, and help others in the future.
He’s recently taken a further leap into the mental health sphere, by committing his life story to the page in his first book, Maybe I Don’t Belong Here: A Memoir of Race, Identity, Breakdown and Recovery. It’s beautifully written, full of warmth and childhood memories, unflinchingly honest about his time in the mental healthcare system, his lifelong experiences of racism, and the unforgivable inequalities that exist for Black people experiencing mental ill-health.
Image right | Geraint Lewis - Alamy stock photo
About a boy
Image| Films of Record
David grew up in Birmingham with his parents and three siblings, and this is where the book begins. Thinking back to his early years stirred up many emotions. “It was fascinating to remember how innocent I was. I started life with rose-tinted glasses,” he says. “Sitting in our front room as a child, watching TV, and listening to my parents howling with laughter, those were my happiest days! I credit Mum and Dad for creating a safe space for me to create and dream. Everything I do now sits upon that little boy, and the imagination that was sparked back then.” David left Birmingham in his late teens to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (RADA), after a teacher saw his potential in school productions, and introduced him to the idea of becoming an actor.
That document contained all my fears and worries, but having sat with it, read it, and understood it, that really liberated me “I have to thank Eric Reader. I’ll never forget his name. If ever there was a eureka moment in my life, that conversation was it,” David says. “I went home that night knowing what I wanted to do with my life.” David says that he “found his tribe” while studying at RADA, but life after graduation was difficult. At just 23, David had a traumatic psychotic episode, was
sectioned twice, and returned to Birmingham to recover. But it wasn’t until he made Psychosis and Me, some 30 years later, that David revisited this experience, and realised how deeply confronting the past would impact him. “I’d buried what happened to me so deep that all I had was a few memories of the mania,” he explains. “It was only when my friends Nick and Jez took me to the hospital I was admitted to, that it all came flooding back. That was the first time I broke down.” During filming, David was met with further details of his episode – notes taken by clinicians, recording what he’d said to them at the time. “My wonderful director, Wendie, had planned a sequence where I’d pick up my medical records and read them. The first thing I >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 77
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I’d buried what happened to me so deep that all I had was a few memories of the mania “Even though I was confused when I had my breakdown, I am sure that was the boy I had to get back to. That was the boy who started these dreams of acting and performing, but had become lost in the interim years.” After filming wrapped, David put his medical records back into a sealed envelope, not ready to delve deeper yet. Two years later when he began to write Maybe I Don’t Belong Here, he knew that the time had come to look at them again.
“My medical notes were in Vancouver, so when I returned there for filming and was in quarantine, I read every page,” he says. “It was really difficult. That document contained all my fears and worries, but having sat with it, read it, and understood it, that really liberated me.” Having the chance to digest his past, without the presence of a camera, gave David an opportunity to make peace with the mental health crisis he experienced as a young man. “Having been through that, and come out the other side, I feel like nothing can harm me. I now understand exactly what happened to me. I understand that I buried that pain, and I’ve finally acknowledged it. I feel like that’s made me 10 stone lighter.” This acceptance enabled David to feel proud and grateful for the progress he’s made, personally and professionally, ever since.
Image (middle) | Geraint Lewis - Alamy stock photo
saw was ‘I have to save the boy,’ and ‘I’ve merged hearts with a young Black boy,’ and it just terrified me. I suddenly realised and remembered all of the things that starting spinning me out of control, which was a complete loss of identity.” Being othered played a major role in David’s diminishing sense of self prior to his breakdown. He’d been on the receiving end of racism from five years old, experienced microaggressions on a daily basis, was told by a director that he had “too many white friends”, and had regularly been asked unprompted questions about his ‘right’ to play roles that “were not written for a Black person”. His identity was constantly challenged, dissected, and abused by others. David says that the boy he believed he needed to save back then was his younger self – a part of him that was being eroded by these societal pressures, judgement, and racism.
Image (middle) | Michal Daniel, courtesy Stephen Daniel
wellbeing
He counts himself very lucky to have been able to pick up his acting career after his debilitating period of mental illness – aware that isn’t the case for everyone, and that stigma is still very much alive and kicking. One example stands out for him: a man from the US contacted him after the documentary aired, to say that he’d disclosed to his employer that he lived with bouts of severe depression, and could often feel himself spiralling. The result? He was immediately fired from his job at the law firm. Drawing attention to discrimination and racism around mental illness and treatment is crucial to David. He peppers his book with gut-wrenching statistics to underline the fact that his previous experiences within the mental health care system as a Black man are by no means unique, or past history. “According to the latest government figures,” he writes,
“Black people are four times more sports people such as Simone Biles likely to be detained under the and Raheem Sterling, who have Mental Health Act than white publicly shared their need to seek people, and are far more likely to help for mental ill-health. David be diagnosed with schizophrenia knows first-hand how empowering or psychosis. Out of 16 specific this can be. ethnic groups, Black Caribbean Right now though, David is looking people have the highest rates forward to the future. Revisiting his of detention in psychiatric early passion for performance for hospitals.” the book has reignited his love of By including these stats, David acting tenfold, and having told his hopes people will think about story to date, in his own words, he’s the real life impact of societal feeling fit, focused, and ready for his and mental health treatment next chapter. inequalities, rooted in racism. “I want readers to understand the pressures on people of colour,” he says. “Quite often, people dismiss the existence of racism altogether. We’re told it’s in the past and it doesn’t matter – but it really does. It matters to us.” Now that Maybe I Don’t Belong Here is out in the world, David ‘Maybe I Don’t Belong Here: A Memoir of will continue to speak up about Race, Identity, Breakdown and Recovery’ these issues, and support others by David Harewood (Bluebird, £20) is who talk openly about mental out now. Listen to the full interview on illness, too. He’s proud, he says, of Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’. happiful.com | October 2021 | 79
The sweet spot What’s the relationship between sugar and mental health, and how can we make sure it’s a balanced one? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
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food & health
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ugar plays a huge role in our food culture, packed into tasty treats and everyday snacks. That said, it’s fair to say the sweet stuff doesn’t have the best press, with the way that it can negatively affect our physical health widely known and accepted – but is there a relationship between sugar and our mental health? Does consumption have any effect on our wellbeing, and how can we make sure that we find a good balance? To help us explore the topic, we spoke to dietitian Katherine Kimber.
A STICKY SITUATION “The jury is somewhat out on this subject,” Katherine says, when she considers the possibility of a link. “Does sugar result in poorer mental health? Or does poorer mental health result in more sugar intake? Throw dieting and restriction in the mix, which we know can increase the risk of disordered eating and sugar cravings, it’s difficult to come to a clear conclusion.” Katherine points to a 2014 study published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, that found that a Mediterranean diet – which is typically lower in sugar – may reduce the risk of depression. “However, observational studies do not determine causation,” Katherine adds. “This means it can’t be determined if a lower quality
diet causes lower moods, or if lower moods cause lower quality diets. It’s a real chicken and egg situation…” In another example, a randomised controlled trial called the SMILES Study, the impact of a Mediterranean diet was reviewed once again. “The SMILE Study took participants and randomised them into two groups,” Katherine explains. “One group received support from a dietitian to help with dietary changes, mindful eating, and goal setting. The other group had weekly befriending support, but no advice on food. The dietitian intervention group had significant reductions in depression symptoms at the threemonth follow-up when compared to those who did not receive dietary change support.” The reasons for this are thought to be: • Reduced inflammation • Reduced tissue damage via oxidative stress • Increased brain plasticity, which supports the brain’s ability to change and adapt • Changes in gut bacteria • Behavioural changes associated with cooking (i.e. meal planning, experimenting with cooking)
SUGAR-COATED While the research is promising, Katherine says the picture is missing a key element that influences what we eat, and how we feel about it: diet culture. “Food choice is not only influenced by our social status,
Secret sugar
It isn’t always easy to spot sugar on food packaging, as it comes in a number of forms. Be aware of: • Dextrose • Fructose • Galactose • Glucose
• Lactose • Maltose • Sucrose
mental health, and our ability to cook, prepare, and source foods – but also our beliefs about certain foods,” she explains. “If people believe a Mediterranean diet to be the only one that will benefit their mental health, they may experience food guilt and shame if they don’t follow that pattern of eating, for any reason. “The role of sugar-containing foods and so-called ‘processed foods’ may suggest that higher intakes can increase mental symptoms, including low mood. However, a significant contributor may be this role of food guilt, which can mean people experience the ‘nocebo effect’ whenever they eat socalled ‘bad’ food.” So, how can you tackle the pressure of diet culture, and harness a better relationship with sugar – which, in turn, could support your mental health? Katherine shares her tips:
1. Make sure you’re eating regular meals and snacks This means eating roughly every three to four waking hours, and ensuring you are eating enough >>>
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How much is too much? Making peace with food is essentially about making chocolate as emotionally charged as an aubergine in this time, too. An appropriate amount of food will make sure you’re well-nourished, so you might feel less overwhelmed when you eat foods that contain sugar, like chocolate.
2. Focus on self-care and your emotional health Are you taking time for yourself to relax, feel inspired, and feel like you’re having time off? Try writing a list of five things you can rotate on a daily basis to take care of yourself. Having a ‘self-care menu’ can support your relationship with sugar by helping reduce the desire to emotionally eat. Emotional eating is not a bad thing, but it’s helpful to extend coping skills so you have things in addition to food.
3. Don’t go cold turkey! If you feel like you shouldn’t, or can’t, have a particular food, guess what? You want it more! Whether we physically restrict ourselves from the food, or emotionally restrict (feel bad for eating it), it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation. These, in turn, can build into uncontrollable cravings, and often bingeing. When you finally ‘give in’ to these forbidden foods, eating can feel intense, overwhelming, 82 | October 2021 | happiful.com
and we can eat past the point of comfortable fullness. With a side serving of guilt! The only way to truly overcome this is to experience eating the food you forbid. When we take these foods down from their pedestal and place them on a level playing field with all other foods, we truly get to ask: • “Do I even like this?” • “Do I want this now?” • “Will I feel deprived if I don’t eat it?” Making peace with food is essentially about making chocolate as emotionally charged as an aubergine.
4. Create a list of all the sugar-containing foods that you might feel out of control with Starting with those that are less overwhelming, take some time out and mindfully eat some of this food at a time when you’re not too stressed, tired and – importantly – not too hungry. Check-in with how eating this food makes you feel – is it pleasant, neutral, or negative? This exercise is aimed to help reduce the feelings of guilt you might feel around eating socalled ‘bad’ foods.
‘Free sugar’ is sugar that is added to food and drinks, as opposed to sugar that occurs naturally in fruits, vegetables, and milk. The NHS recommends the following maximum amount of free sugars per day: • Adults 30g (about seven sugar cubes) • Seven to 10-year-old children 24g (six sugar cubes) • Four to six-year-old children 19g (five sugar cubes) • Children under four should avoid free sugars where possible
THE AFTERTASTE Ultimately, while research is ongoing, there’s a chance now for you to consider your relationship on a personal level. Using the tips that Katherine shares, take some time to contemplate the role that sugar plays in your life. Let go of any morality issues, any feelings of virtue or guilt, and simply think about what makes you feel better. The best results are always uncovered when we lead with compassion and self-knowledge.
Katherine Kimber is a registered dietitian and founder of Nude Nutrition, on a mission to help people to find food happiness. Find out more by visiting nutritionist-resource.org.uk
culture
Happiful reads... From ways to tune-in to your emotions to learning how to create art from flowers, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham
F
ollowing the roaring success of his first novel, TV presenter, producer, and comedian Richard Osman is back with a new book and a brand new case for the Thursday Murder Club. A retirement village is the last place you’d think to look when trying to catch a killer, but Elizabeth, Joyce, Ibrahim, and Ron are not
to be underestimated. Meeting up once a week to analyse cold cases, they know more than the average Joe about murders. The new novel in the series sees the group on the hunt for a fresh suspect, but this time there are diamonds and a whole lot of danger involved. Combining a very British sense of humour, and the warm
nature of the group, this novel is sure to grip the hearts of readers all over again.
Dried Flower Embroidery by Olga Prinku Out now Receiving flowers can be a lovely gesture, but what if you could keep them for longer than a few weeks? Olga Prinku’s guide teaches us everything from the simple process of flower drying, to the best ways to make the frame that will hold your arrangement. Bringing the great outdoors inside is a wonderful way to feel closer to nature, while creating a beautiful focal point in your home.
The Mix-Up by Holly McCulloch Out now As the summer draws to a close, we could all use a feelgood story to lift our spirits. The Mix-Up is a gorgeously funny and heartwarming romance novel that follows wedding cake baker Paige on the hunt for some light fun after a break-up. She was supposed to meet one guy at a party, but when she arrives she can’t tell which one he is. Could choosing the wrong guy turn out to be a happy accident?
The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman Out now
Must reads The Book of Emotions by Edgar Gerrard Hughes Out now We all have emotions, but how much do we actually know about them? The Book of Emotions is a compilation of ideas, research, and quizzes to help us learn to define feelings. Beautifully illustrated, and edited by a researcher at the Centre for the History of Emotions, the book is a brilliant tool for building emotional intelligence and learning a lot about yourself in the process.
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Your heart is the size of an ocean. Go find yourself in its hidden depths RUMI
Photography | Samuel Ng
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relationships
body dysmorphic disorder How to help a loved one with
Seeing someone we care for be consumed by perceived ‘flaws’ can be extremely difficult – especially at a time when re-entering society has us all feeling under more intense scrutiny. But if you are at a loss for what to do, the good news is there are ways you can support a friend or family member experiencing BDD Writing | Maxine Ali
B
etween countless hours on Zoom staring at our own faces, and the mounting pressure to return to the social world with a post-lockdown ‘glow-up’, the strange new conventions of pandemic life have left many with amplified anxiety around their appearance. For those with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), this intensified scrutiny brings an increasing reliance on destructive patterns to cope. BDD is a mental health condition characterised as a persistent and intrusive fixation on perceived bodily defects or flaws. As well
as heightened self-consciousness and appearance anxiety, BDD can manifest as compulsive appearancerelated behaviours, such as excessively checking mirrors or avoiding them altogether, extensive grooming practices, or picking at one’s skin to conceal perceived physical blemishes. Data on BDD remains limited, largely due to the fact symptoms are often chalked up to ‘everyday’ appearance anxieties, which are overwhelmingly normalised within society. However, current estimates suggest one in 50 people may have BDD, with young people and adolescents most at risk.
BDD can take a significant toll on a person’s day-to-day life, affecting their work, education and relationships. Someone struggling with BDD might find it difficult to be in social situations due to worries about drawing attention to their appearance or comparing themselves to others, and may give up activities they enjoy in order to make more time for disordered behaviours. If someone you love is struggling with BDD, it can be difficult to know how you can help or what you should say. However, there are a number of things you can do to support them. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 85
In moving away from It’s not ‘just a vanity thing’ BDD is a sorely misunderstood condition, with symptoms often dismissed as just a sign of vanity. Yet, this reflects a profoundly mistaken perception of what fuels the disorder. “BDD is a response to unprocessed trauma,” explains Emmy Brunner, psychotherapist, CEO, and author of Find Your True Voice. “Rather than a focus on the nuance of our emotions and the impact certain life events might have had, the focus becomes about the body, and how we feel we are perceived by others. “Often, the thoughts become so all-encompassing that there is no longer any space to focus on the origins of the core wound.” Misconceptions about BDD pose a significant barrier to getting help, as many who experience symptoms worry about being judged or having their struggles belittled. It is therefore important for those with BDD to feel supported by people who understand the complex nature of the disorder, and who will be an advocate for them when others lack this insight.
Acknowledge their distress Although perceived imperfections may not be visible to others, it’s still important to acknowledge that the distress caused by BDD is very real, and has a significant impact on a 86 | October 2021 | happiful.com
the societal tendency to comment on our own and other people’s bodies, we can help our loved one recognise that they are so much more than how they look
person’s wellbeing. Rather than denying the reality of your loved one’s struggles by telling them that their anxieties are ‘all in their head’, try to empathise with how your loved one might be feeling. “Someone with BDD does not need constant reassurance that they look OK – they need to be seen and heard,” says Emmy Brunner. “What that means is that, when we see a loved one struggling, we can name how hard living with BDD must be for them and how painful these symptoms must feel.”
As the proverbial saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ suggests, talking to others about the things we struggle with can provide relief from the
relationships
strain of navigating life with a mental illness alone. Offering your loved one space to open up and acknowledge the distressing thoughts without judgement is often an important first step towards them seeking help.
Don’t feed the ‘unwell voice’ It can be tempting to get into a debate with someone who has BDD over their thoughts about their appearance. However, this simply feeds the disordered thinking and reinforces the sense of scrutiny their appearance is under, potentially exacerbating their self-consciousness. Instead, Emmy Brunner recommends that we separate the person from the ‘unwell voice’ they are consumed by, and remind them that we see them beyond that. “We can certainly let a person know that we don’t share their perspective and reassure them that we see this negative selfappraisal as derivative of their illness, as opposed to anything based on reality.” Additionally, avoiding all forms of body talk, which can be a trigger for those with BDD, reminds us that our bodies do not define our value. In moving away from the societal tendency to comment on our own and other’s bodies, we can help our loved one recognise that they are so much more than how they look.
Encourage them to seek help It’s important for those with BDD to seek professional support in order to access the right treatment for them. Once they feel more comfortable discussing their illness with you, encourage them to contact their GP or find a therapist who specialises in working with those who have BDD. If they are open to it, help them through this process.
If you are unsure of where to find support, the BDD Foundation hosts user-led support groups across the UK, and has an email helpline for further advice.
Look after yourself At times, supporting someone with BDD can be upsetting, confusing, and frustrating, and there may be moments that leave you feeling defeated. Remember it’s OK if you need help, or if you have to step away to focus on yourself. In order to show up fully for your loved one, it’s important to take care of your own wellbeing. Ensure that you have someone to talk to, and make time for activities you enjoy. It can be helpful to connect with others who are going through similar experiences by joining a support group for friends and family of those with BDD.
Be patient
Many people with BDD feel nervous and unsure of what to say when speaking to a mental health professional. It can therefore be helpful to sit down with them and work out what they want to share beforehand. Offer to take them to their appointments, and attend with them if it would help ease some of their anxiety around opening up.
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight – it’s a process, often with setbacks and long adjustment periods for everyone involved. Though at times it might feel difficult, be patient with both your loved one and yourself, celebrate the small wins, and take things one day at a time. Maxine Ali is a health and science writer, and a linguist specialising in body talk and body image. Follow Maxine @maxineali or visit maxineali.com happiful.com | October 2021 | 87
Signs someone actually likes you As the world opens back up, so too might your romantic opportunities. If you’re ready to venture out into the dating pool, we’ve got the insight to help decipher the signs you’re on to something good... Writing | John Kenny
W
hen you first meet someone, I am sure you’ve had the conversation with yourself – and probably someone close to you – along the lines of: “Do they really like me?” and “How do I know?” There are signs that we take note of, but others we can overlook. There are a few reasons why this may be the case, and one of them is that you are subconsciously ignoring the signals as you are not ready to connect yet. They may even be stopping themselves from just saying it as they don’t really know how to – are you brave enough to ask? Here, we’ll run through seven of the signs that can help you recognise whether someone really likes you or not, with a few caveats – because there are people who know how to make you think that they are interested,
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only to use information against you, or back off somewhere down the line because of their avoidant style. But once you know the red flags, you can embrace the green ones, too.
1. LEANING TOWARDS YOU AND MAINTAINING CLOSE PROXIMITY When someone likes you, they have a tendency to subconsciously lean towards you when you are together. It creates a physical closeness that shows they are drawn to your energy, and are attracted to you. If you find yourself moving away, it is a sign that you may not find them as attractive, and you feel your space is being invaded – you are uncomfortable with their energy. This is an indicator that you shouldn’t ignore – it could be because you are subconsciously aware of something you need to
back away from, or it could be your own avoidance mechanisms kicking in.
2. THEY REMEMBER THE ‘SMALL STUFF’ If someone remembers what you have said, no matter whether it was just in passing, and comes back to it in the future, then it is likely they are interested in you. They have clearly taken notice of what you have said, and it’s a priority for them to remember it. Because of ‘selective filtering’, your brain will allow space to recall things that are important to you. If your brain is telling you it is important, it is generally because you care about it – so the person is very likely to care about you. Caveat time: there are those who remember things about you because they see it as important to come back to later in order to use it against you. This obviously
relationships
doesn’t relate to the small things, so if it is this, rather than the personal stuff you have shared, then you can be assured that they are interested.
3. THEY MAKE AN EFFORT TO CONVERSE If someone wants to get to know you better, they will instigate conversation to find out what you are interested in, what you like
to do, where you have been, and whatever else they can think of to keep the conversation going. This is one of the most common behaviours you’ll see when someone likes you. They are looking for things in common to see how compatible you are. This may not happen if someone is shy, or struggles with self-worth and self-confidence, so don’t write them off if you like
them. After a few meetings they may open up and engage some more. But if they don’t, then it is likely they aren’t interested. If it feels like boundaries are being crossed, and they keep making conversations about you, your past, and the difficult experiences in your life, or talk a lot about their own difficulties – red flag waved, walk away. >>> happiful.com | October 2021 | 89
When you are around someone you are attracted to, the rate of smiling increases – but not only that, the s m i l e i s b i g g e r, b r o a d e r, a n d l o n g e r
4. THEY SHOW CURIOSITY Curiosity is an interesting thing, if you are not a cat of course! When you become curious about something, you want to know more about it, so you can understand the situation better. In a romantic context this is amplified, as your brain is searching to know more about why it has been triggered, so it becomes wildly interested in the person who has triggered it. It will keep sending you questions in order to satiate that curiosity. The person interested in you will do the same, and once they meet your friends, they are likely to ask them about you, too! Note the caveat to this in the previous point: be mindful of where their curiosity leads.
5. THEY WILL SMILE – A LOT When someone is attracted to you, they tend to make eye contact and smile. If you notice that they glance away and are still smiling, then they are definitely in a good space around you. When you are around someone you are attracted to, the rate of 90 | October 2021 | happiful.com
smiling increases – but not only that, the smile is bigger, broader, and longer. Watch out for the wrinkles around the eyes, the raising of the cheeks, and the light in their eyes, which are all signs that the smile is genuine.
6. NOTICE THEIR ENERGY AROUND YOU Being around someone who likes you has a physical impact on their state. It makes them feel nervous, and in this case being nervous is a form of good stress. Adrenaline and other hormones will be released, your heart rate speeds up – pushing blood around your body, maybe causing blushing, or even more perspiration. It is something people can’t help doing, and will impact the energy they give off to you. It should feel like they are excited to be around you, but could also indicate that they want to get away from you… Keep an eye out for the difference when taking into account the other factors I have mentioned.
7. THEY FIND THE TIME TO SEE YOU, AND ARE CONSISTENT In fact, they don’t just find the time, they make the time! This is a common indicator that they are interested, and want to spend as much time with you as possible. The fact that they are consistent – turn up on time etc. – is also a positive sign, as it shows they are making the effort, and really want to be there. This is very apparent when you first start dating, or if someone in your friend group or at work likes you, too. Is there someone who will always want to be where you are? Do they find ways to see you? Make time to talk to you? Be mindful of those who come on strong at the beginning though, as they may have a type of avoidant attachment – wanting to be with someone, but when they get close, they become uncomfortable and back off. If they seem too keen at the start, this could be a red flag, and you may need to hold back a bit. You should be able to glean whether this is the case when you get round to talking about their past relationship experiences.
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TO SUMMARISE: • If you want to know if someone is interested in you, and they don’t just come right out and say it, keep an eye out for the signs! • They may not exhibit all of them, but a couple shows they want to get to know you. • Remember some people find it difficult to come forward, so if you like them, show them the signs instead. Or, just tell them. I know it can be difficult to do this if you struggle with a fear of rejection, and want to create more certainty about someone before you let your feelings show, but seeing the signs will help you to establish whether you are safe to reciprocate or not. Do be mindful of the warning signs too… Some people know what they want, but just won’t allow themselves to have it, or have issues that mean they want you to be interested in them, just to get what they need. Above all, try to take the pressure off yourself – have fun, relax, be yourself, and see where the world of relationships takes you, having the idea of the person you want in your life with you at all times.
John Kenny is The Relationship Guy – coach to professional women who want to get into a healthy intimate relationship. Find out more at lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 91
How to look after yourself, when caring for someone with a long-term health condition It can be easy to neglect your own needs when you’re focused on caring for another, but here are five tips that could help Writing | Jeremy Sachs
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eceiving and living with a physical or mental health diagnosis can be a massive challenge. Not just for the person with the diagnosis, but for those closest to them, too. Often, a diagnosis is accompanied by complications that affect whole families – additional health conditions, responsibilities, finances, or navigating clinic appointments, and benefit systems. As a carer, it is common to experience a range of emotions. Some days you feel like you’re on top of everything, and others can feel out of control, as though you’re constantly in crisis mode. Whatever you feel, it’s crucial to remember that your emotions matter, even the ones that might be difficult to admit to yourself or others. Taking time to understand those emotions will help them become more manageable. Every caring role is different, and with each one comes a different set of needs, feelings, and responsibilities – this is by no means an exhaustive list. There is no magic pill to making caring for someone you love manageable,
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but I hope some of these tips lead you to think about the support and care you need for yourself, as well as your loved one.
1. Connect with other carers Talking with people outside your family, or network of friends, can be incredibly helpful. Sharing tips, expressing your worries, getting advice, or being in the company of people who ‘just get it’, can make a huge difference. Find groups online and in person. Many charities provide practical support, such as advice on benefits, and have Facebook groups or peer-led meetups. Take the time to ‘find your tribe’ – they are often just a Google search away.
Research depression and anxiety so you can spot the warning signs. The NHS has an online anxiety and depression self-assessment quiz that could be a good starting point.
3. Get to know your clinicians Doctors, nurses, and pharmacists are all experts, and can be incredible allies. When supporting a loved one with their travel, appointments, and medical needs, it can be easy to forget all the information required. Keep a list of questions for healthcare professionals so that when your appointment comes around, you can get the most from them.
2. Speak to a professional
4. Activities and distractions
Allowing yourself 50 minutes a week to reflect on how you feel is a big act of self-care. Some local carers services offer counselling, or your GP will be able to refer you to free NHS counselling. As a result of Covid-19, many therapists offer video call therapy if you’re unable to travel. This can be convenient when dividing up your time and responsibilities.
It might feel like the last thing you want to do, but being active can relieve stress, and is very therapeutic. Even 30 minutes outdoors, exercising, or being mentally active (doing puzzles, or working on hobbies) each day, can make a big difference. On top of this, distractions can be helpful as well. Give yourself permission to indulge
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Don’t feel guilty for not being productive; our brains need downtime in order to process information and emotions properly
in a box set, watch films, or switch off for a bit. Don’t feel guilty for not being productive; our brains need downtime in order to process information and emotions properly.
5. Plan for emergencies Create a care plan with your loved one for emergencies so that, if you can’t respond immediately, the person you are caring for can still get the help they need at a critical time. Give a copy of this plan to family, friends, and healthcare professionals working with you. Carers UK has a helpful section on how to make an emergency plan. It can be easy to get lost in caring for someone else. We often tell ourselves to be strong, and that our emotions don’t matter compared to the person we are caring for. But remember, your needs do matter. It’s an old cliché, but like on a plane when they tell you in case of an emergency to put on your own oxygen mask first, you really do need to look after yourself in order to continue to care for your loved one.
Jeremy Sachs is an integrated psychotherapist who specialises in working with trauma recovery, long term conditions, and adolescents and young people. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | October 2021 | 93
Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall F SCOTT FITZGERALD
Photography | Asya Cusima
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true story
From client to counsellor to creative After personally experiencing the benefits of therapy, Natasha decided to make the switch and become a counsellor. Then she had another brainwave – a way to help people who have doubts or fears about face-to-face sessions Writing | Natasha Page
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y journey to becoming a counsellor and psychotherapist started when I was in my early 20s. I went through a period of low mood and depression, to the point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I was struggling to feel motivated, and there was a deep feeling of sadness within – which I know now is a symptom of depression. At that time, I didn’t really communicate with people about how I was feeling. I often kept these feelings of sadness inside. I can remember being self-critical, and not feeling good enough. In my busy job as a receptionist, I often felt people took advantage of me, and that I was given task after task, with little regard or respect for me as a person. On reflection, I now recognise that this, again, was a symptom of the depression, and that there was a constant internal negative dialogue playing in my mind. It is now something I work with daily in my role as a counsellor, helping my clients to challenge automatic negative thoughts. I am of mixed race, and throughout my life have battled feelings of difference and not being good enough, which stemmed from bullying.
But back then I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong, or why I felt that way. However, on reflection, I now realise there were multiple reasons – including my low paid, stressful job, and being cheated on in my relationship – which led to low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I knew something had to change, but I didn’t really know where to start, as the feelings were overwhelming and I couldn’t make sense of how or why I was like this. It was my dad who suggested counselling. I was lucky enough to work for an employer who provided free counselling for their staff. These days there are many more employers who offer Employee Assistance Programme counselling (EAP), and I now work with many of them. I didn’t have a clue what counselling was, to be honest, or how it could help me. But in my despair, I thought it was worth a try. I remember my first session very clearly; I sat and cried, and started to tell the therapist how I was feeling. He really helped me feel listened to and understood. It was through my own life-changing experience of attending these sessions that I started to understand the value of therapy, and how it supported me, and others. >>>
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There is something truly special about the relationship you build with your therapist. For me, the fact that this professional is unconnected to your day-to-day life, the time you are given to talk freely about yourself without fear of being judged, the safety of the counselling room, and the way you are able to offload your emotions and leave them there, are the most powerful aspects of counselling and psychotherapy. Having therapy did literally change my life, as I not only benefited from the sessions, but they made me want to help others, too. This was the start of my journey to become a therapist. As a human, at some point in life you may struggle with low mood, depression, or anxiety. This could be in relation to issues such as a job loss, relationship problems, or bereavement –
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the list is endless. Life throws things at us that have an impact on our mental health. I love working in the field of mental health, and supporting people from every walk of life. I believe that everyone should experience the benefits of counselling at some point. From my role as a counsellor, I have become aware that not everyone is ready or sure if they want to start counselling sessions, or they may not be able to afford private therapy sessions.
I love working in the field of mental health, and supporting people from every walk of life This led me to think how people like this could gain support that may feel more comfortable and accessible for them, or to help them explore their emotions further on their own. With this in mind, I created My Little Therapy Box mood cards – derived from my many years of experience working with clients, and designed to help people who may be struggling with feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, and who want to gain more clarity about why they are feeling this way.
true story
Natasha Page is a BACP accredited counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years’ experience. She runs a private counselling practice, thisismecounselling. com, and is founder of mylittletherapyboxltd.com
Having therapy did literally change my life, as I not only benefited from the sessions, but they made me want to help others The cards have not been designed to replace counselling or psychotherapy, but are intended as a therapeutic tool to help gain understanding about what areas of your life you are struggling with, to explore your feelings, get insight into your emotions, and build the strength and resilience to move forward, positively, with life. Some clients really struggle to articulate how they are feeling, so having aids like My Little Therapy Box can help make communication less daunting and more meaningful. The mood cards differ from others as they explore actual themes that
may be impacting on someone. Within the resource are 40 individually designed and beautifully illustrated mood cards that cover a broad range of common topics that arise in the therapy room. I have worked with all of the themes on the cards in my work as a counsellor and psychotherapist. On the back of each card are questions or prompts to help the individual explore that theme further. They also have a little note of encouragement or guidance on each card. Each one has had a lot of thought and love put into it. I hope that many people will benefit from using My Little Therapy Box.
OUR EXPERT SAYS Natasha’s story touches upon difficulties we can all experience in life, such as understanding how we’re feeling and what the reason behind it may be. This may not always be clear and, often, we need help to find clarity as it can be very challenging to experience. For Natasha, this meant accessing therapy and receiving support. It’s by this very experience that Natasha has been
able to grow and work through her emotions. This has led to her offering therapy to others and developing a tool to support the process. The very challenge Natasha faced is now her source of passion and motivation. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist
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O n
b a d
d a y s ,
r e m e m b e r. . .
Yo u a re w o r t h y o f t h e compassion and kindness that you give to others Yo u d o n’ t h av e t o b e perfect 100% of the time Yo u a r e n o t a l o n e Yo u r b e s t i s e n o u g h Yo u c a n d r o p a few balls when y o u’ r e s t r u g g l i n g C h a n ge w o n’ t a lw ay s happen overnight, you have time Yo u r m i s t a k e s do not define you It’s OK to have a bad day
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