Happiful September 2020 by Happiful

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Be bold.

It's time to step into the unknown Overcome your fear of failure to uncover your true potential

Imposter syndrome ends here

Ditch the doubt & see your greatness

SEPT 2020 | £4

Self-love • issue •

Give your life som TLC with our fr e ee coaching tool

Craving intimacy? The power of human touch is more than skin deep

steps to cope with life after job-loss

PLUS

Body confidence Grow your own

Achieve your goals

373000

Conquer insecurity & know your worth. The path ahead is in your hands

HAPPIFUL.COM | £4

9 772514

BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY

Discover plant-based postpartum essentials made with the fourth trimester in mind, to help Mums heal, rest and recover.

10% off when you use code HAPPIFUL10 at checkout Valid until 31st Oct 2020

MUMBUBHUB.CO.UK A Community Interest Company supporting women, and empowering mothers and families through their transition into parenthood.

A leap of faith Whether you’ve been plagued by selfdoubt, or are familiar with the little gremlin of comparison sitting on your shoulder, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk. It happens to all of us at some point in our lives; we can let external influences, or even the person in the mirror, put us in a box. We set internal barriers on what we’re capable of achieving, because we’re afraid to test our limits, and find out our real potential. But this issue is all about tearing down those self-destructive monsters, and is instead devoted to inspiring self-love, the courage to follow your dreams, and empowering you to create a life that you truly desire. We delve into the positive impact a little self-love can have on our lives, and just how you can cultivate it, plus our incredible columnist Grace Victory opens up to encourage you to take a deep breath, and step out of your comfort zone.

We uncover the powerful lessons we can learn from ‘failing’, share a unique life-coaching tool to recognise what areas of your life need some extra TLC, and investigate imposter syndrome. We hope you’ll find the compassion, and comfort, of a friend in the next 92 pages, who is rooting for you all the way – and in those moments where your confidence feels rattled, know that we believe in you. Because, above all else, we want you to know you are worthy, and you deserve the life you’re dreaming of. Don’t let fear of the unknown hold you back a moment longer! W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 14 Self-love lessons

Practical steps you can take to start embracing self-love, and to finally unlock your full, unbridled potential

26 Stevie Blaine

The body confidence influencer chats masculinity, and the power of tuning-in

34 Fear of failure

Is anxiety about things not going to plan holding you back?

44 Ashley Banjo

The founder of Diversity reflects on his growing family, and a slower pace of life

49 Fresh perspective

We debunk eight common misconceptions about life with sight loss

The Uplift 8 In the news

Culture

13 The wellbeing wrap

54 Go-getter

21 What is imposter syndrome? Discover what's behind that niggling feeling at the back of your mind which tells you that you're not enough

90 Have a guilt-free month

Lifestyle and Relationships 18 Into the unknown

Columnist Grace Victory on the benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone

Set goals and achieve your dreams

64 Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Be inspired by the author and speaker

79 Four page-turners

New reads you won't want to miss

84 Things to do in September

Life Stories 37 Vanessa: new beginnings

30 Hungry for touch?

We explore the power of touch, and how to harness it in the age of social distancing

Vanessa survived immense challenges to become a successful businesswoman, before burnout finally hit. It was then that she knew it was time to start over

32 The wheel of life

55 Andy: reaching out

Use this practical tool to help you look inwards

42 Create honeybee hotspots 59 Life after job-loss

Discover support for the next steps

70 Entrepreneurial life lessons

A series of difficult events left Andy unsure of the future. But, at his lowest moment, a simple message from a friend made all the difference

87 Flo: the breakthrough

Childhood health problems led Flo to a breakdown at just eight, but with time she came to terms with her journey

Our team EDITORIAL

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Emma Boast | Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Helen Unwin, Claire Munnings, Caroline Butterwick, Lucy Nichol, Pixie Turner, Ben Douch, Dr Nigel Bending, Vanessa Poolian, Flo Sharman, Andy Salkeld

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Rowse Hives for Lives, Louisa Pini, Ayesha Giselle, Deborah Maloney- Marsden, Tessa Armstrong, Juliette Clancy, Mira Manek, Rebekah Esdale, Laura Harley, Beverley Hills

Wellness 40 Self-care secrets

We speak to an expert about the key to getting the most out of self-care

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

67 Happiness boosts

Discover how the ancient practice of Ayurveda can support your wellness

SUBSCRIPTIONS

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

80 Take a breather

Four breathing techniques to help you through life's challenges

Happiful Hacks 24 Deal with a toxic boss 52 Put anxiety in perspective 62 Listen without judgement 82 Grow your own veg

CONTACT

Food & Drink 73 Food IRL

How has social media affected our relationship with food?

76 Power-hour

Quick lunches to fuel your day

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy.

Rav's review To feel love is a wonderful thing. The beautifully inspiring potential of self-love is that it isn’t determined by external influence – it can be felt on a very personal level. As people, we often give ourselves a hard time – due to a number of different reasons – and this can really depreciate the value we place on ourselves. In order to maintain and enhance our wellbeing, it’s important that we allow time and space to feel love from within. Head over to page 18 to explore how you can cultivate self-love that will help you reconnect with yourself from a perspective of care and appreciation; the impact of this can be life-changing. RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue LOUISA PINI

AYESHA GISELLE

BA (Hons) MCHP MCHNC

OCN MAC CPHT

Louisa is an aromatherapist with her own line of skincare.

Ayesha is a life and accountability coach working with change-seekers.

TESSA ARMSTRONG

JULIETTE CLANCY

BMus (Hons) LCH Dip

BACP COSRT

Tessa is a life coach, author, and owner of Tessa Armstrong Associates.

Juliette is a psychotherapist, psychosexual and relationship therapist.

BEVERLEY HILLS

DEBORAH MALONEY-MARSDEN

MA PG Cert Dip MBACP

MA Dip BCAP

Beverley is a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist.

Deborah is a psychotherapist and leadership coach.

LAURA HARLEY

IONA RUSSELL

BSc (hons) PG Dip BACP

GHSC NLP KCR

Laura is a counsellor who works with millennials and LGBTQ+ people.

Iona is a life coach, hypnotherapist, and the author of Making Waves.

REBEKAH ESDALE

MIRA MANEK

DipNT RMN mBANT CNHC

Rebekah is an integrative health practitioner and nutritional therapist.

Mira is a wellness consultant and author of Prajna – Ayurvedic Rituals for Happiness.

RACHEL COFFEY

GRAEME ORR

BA MA NLP Mstr

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

Our cover Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

GENERAL LISTENING LINES SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Be bold.

It's time to step into the unknown Overcome your fear of failure to uncover your true potential

p18

CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH Connect with life coaches in your area and those offering online coaching by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Imposter syndrome ends here

Ditch the doubt & see your greatness

p76

CREATE A NUTRITION PLAN WITH A NUTRITIONIST Discover nutritionists who can help you tune into your needs and create a nutritional plan by visiting nutritionist-resource.org.uk

In light of the Covid-19 social distancing guidelines, our September issue has been brought together from the Happiful team’s home-office set-ups. Overcoming the distraction of cute Happiful pets, the temptation of WFS (work from sofa), and the unique challenges of video conference calls, we’re proud to bring you our fifth issue created entirely remotely. For as long as we can, we will work tirelessly to continue to offer you the print edition of Happiful, but if anything changes, we will be in touch. For now, take care, stay safe, and enjoy the read.

Grow your own Achieve your goals

SELF-HELP FOR DEPRESSION If you are living with depression, you can join a penfriend scheme and connect with others online at depressionuk.org

Conquer insecurity & know your worth. The path ahead is in your hands

HAPPIFUL.COM | £4

PLUS

Body conﬁdence

373000

p55

Craving intimacy? The power of human touch is more than skin deep

9 772514

p49

Self-love • issue •

Give your life some TLC with our free coaching tool

steps to cope with life after job-loss

BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY

LEARN MORE ABOUT SIGHT LOSS Read fact sheets about sight loss and blindness, and discover support by visiting rnib.org.uk or calling their helpline on 0303 123 9999

SEPT 2020 | £4

Cover artwork by Becky Johnston

Artist Becky Johnston has had a lot to contend with, from anorexia to depression, body dysmorphia, and borderline personality disorder. But her mental health journey has also inspired her to use her creativity and experiences to support others, so no one has to feel alone. More of Becky's beautiful work can be found at beckyjohnston.weebly.com and on Instagram @heybooxy

CHARITY

Artists’ project provides 137,500 meals for migrant workers

The Uplift

When Covid-19 hit India, more than 140 million migrant workers lost their jobs, leaving many unsure of where their next meal would come from. But with their new series, ‘A Plate Full of Hope’, 20 artists from around the world have joined The Plated Project to support those in need. Their 20 limited edition plates each depict an experience or emotion that has been universally felt during lockdown, with all profits going to Goonj, an Indian NGO specialising in disaster relief. Each plate sold is able to provide 250 meals and, while the organisation initially hoped to provide 100,000 meals, in just one month they have provided a staggering 137,500. Chitresh Sinha, founder of The Plated Project, explains: “Hunger kills more people each year than AIDS, malaria, and terrorism combined. However, most of us don’t realise the significance of hunger as an issue. So we were trying to find a way of getting people to donate to charities working on eradicating hunger, and we also wanted to start larger-level conversations around this issue.” It’s Chitresh’s hope that the plates will continue to help the cause beyond the initial donation, simply by sparking conversations about what they represent, and how we can address global hunger. With 15 more artists to be announced, the Plated Project proves that progress is best served with a side of kindness. Find out more by visiting theplatedproject.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WELLNESS

Virtual choirs tune-in to the perks of singing

KIDS

Rough and tumble helps kids keep their cool A study reveals that playtime with dads can boost children’s wellbeing Play fighting, tickle attacks, and being lovingly tackled – who knew this roughhousing could have wellbeing benefits that last a lifetime? Following a new study, it turns out that physical play is a great way to teach little ones how to manage their emotions. With 40 years of data behind it, research from Cambridge University and the Lego Foundation has revealed that children who had quality playtime with their fathers, who tend to be more physical, were better able to control their own behaviour later in life. But why does it have that effect? Paul Ramchandani, professor of play in education, development,

and learning, at the University of Cambridge explains. “Physical play creates fun, exciting situations in which children have to apply self-regulation. You might have to control your strength, learn when things have gone too far, or maybe your father steps on your toe by accident, and you feel cross.” Having this safe environment to test boundaries and reactions is key. Of course, it’s not just dads who can get in on the action – the most important thing, according to researchers, is for parents to offer a variety of ways to play. Sounds like a great excuse to embrace your inner child, and extend playtime! Writing | Kat Nicholls

Studies have shown the mental health benefits of singing in groups, but when lockdown banned mass gatherings, as well as singing in communal places, those who were reaping the wellbeing rewards were left lacking. Luckily, Emma Rowland, founder of Sing Out Strong, was on hand to fill the gap. Running social singing groups designed specifically to help boost member’s mental health, Emma understands first-hand how singing can affect our mood. So when lockdown began, she launched a free virtual choir practice that uses Facebook live to connect members. “Singing has got to be one of the best ways to look after your mental wellbeing,” says Emma, who lives with anxiety and depression. “But more than that, the health benefits are greatly increased if you sing in a group – so choirs are even better than singing in the shower.” Emma plans to continue the virtual choir service throughout 2020, and has launched her autumn project, which asks people to record tracks to raise money for charity Mind – and everyone’s welcome to join in. “If someone is interested in singing, I would say go for it – there’s no such thing as ‘can’t sing’!” Emma says. Want to get involved? Head to singoutstrong.co.uk/jubilate Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

September 2020 • happiful.com • 9

RELATIONSHIPS

The secret to a successful sex life revealed... Even the most fulfilling of relationships could do with a little boost now and then. But what’s the best way to improve our relationships? According to researchers from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, simple compliments to show our gratitude could be the answer. Through a series of surveys designed to explore couples’ relationships and sexual bonds, researchers discovered that showing and receiving gratitude helps foster a sense of commitment between partners. Social psychologist and author of the paper, Ashlyn Brady, commented: “Recent findings suggest that having the motivation to fulfil a partner’s sexual needs may help buffer romantic couples from experiencing normative declines in sexual satisfaction.” But how can we motivate ourselves to better fulfil our partner’s sexual needs? This is where gratitude can come in. While more research is still needed, results from the study found that those who agree more strongly with statements such as, ‘My partner often tells me things that she or he really likes about me,’ or, ‘I appreciate my partner,’ were more likely to want to fulfil their partners’ sexual needs. As with all things, variety is the spice of life, so keep gestures both big and small fresh to keep the good feelings flowing. Who would have thought showing a little thanks could have such a steamy effect? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

September 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happifu l.com to find the an swers, and more!

Codebreaker

It’s time to challenge those little grey cells with this month’s puzzling fun – it’s like a crossword, but with no clues! Each letter of the alphabet is used at least once in the grid below, and is represented by a number. Use your logic to uncover all the answers – good luck! 16 5

4 22

7 18

3 3

T I 2

HINT: Inspired by our self-love feature on page 18

I 3

A B C D E

F G H

L M N O P Q R 14

V W X

Z 10

The

wellbeing wrap Pakistan meets UN climate change goal 10 years early!

NHS staff offered a free Ibiza holiday as a thank you for their work during the pandemic

Love letters

Brace yourselves: the following story is almost too sweet. The Haven Care Home, in Lincolnshire, recently put out a call on Facebook, asking for pen pals for its residents – and the support was overwhelming. The post was shared 17,000 times, with people around the world keen to get chatting, and put pen to paper.

The Highlands are definitely raising the bar when it comes to representation and progress. Scotland is set to become the first country in the world to add LGBTQ+ history and equality to the school curriculum. Other countries could certainly learn a thing or two...

HEAR, HEAR

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Bogged down with ideas? NASA is offering a $35K prize to anyone who can design a loo roll that works in space

Wild bison are set to be introduced to the UK for the first time in 6,000 years

An estimated one million Brits have quit smoking since the start of lockdown

Bethaney Mouzer, a qualified British Sign Language interpreter and yoga instructor, is shaking up the system to ensure the benefits of yoga are accessible – including online classes since lockdown. As 50% of deaf people live with a mental health condition, it’s vital to make these positive wellbeing tools available to everyone.

Top of the class

For some more vulnerable children, lockdown brought uncertainty around where their next meal would come from. But Zane Powles, an assistant headteacher from Western Primary School in Grimsby, set out to make sure that no one would go hungry by delivering more than 7,500 free meals to kids in need – and walking 550 miles in the process. A selfless act from a true local hero!

IN BRISTOL, 224 SOCIALLYDISTANCED HEARTS HAVE BEEN PAINTED ON THE GRASS IN PARKS, AS A BEAUTIFUL VISUAL REMINDER TO STAY SAFE, EVEN AS WE RETURN TO OUR CITY CENTRES.

Problem (dis)solved Often a staple in student diets, a college grad from Ravensborne University London has invented ‘dissolvable noodle packaging’ to satiate cravings, while protecting the environment. Normal packs can take 80 years to degrade, but this dissolves in boiling water in one minute!

Fancy a 99?

It might not be the first thing you crave in the morning, but studies have revealed the benefits of eating ice cream for breakfast! A study from Tokyo’s Kyorin University found that ice cream awakens the brain, and can trigger positive emotions. Anyone for a Mr Whippy? Sleep

tight?

If you’re struggling to get your 40 winks, you’re not alone. According to research by Supplement Place, the cities feeling most sleep deprived are Bolton, Bristol, Leicester, Liverpool, and Nottingham. The good news is that there are lots of ways to help you drift off more easily. Try to stick to a bedtime and waking routine, limit your screentime in the evening, and get a little exercise during the day. Hopefully you’ll be off to dreamland in no time.

Eco-warrior win! If you’re searching for great news for the planet, Ecosia might just have the answer. The search engine is a German non-profit, and the country’s first B Corp, which uses the ad revenue from searches to plant trees around the world. And in July this year it announced a milestone moment as it planted its 100-millionth tree! You can support the company’s fight against climate change from your keyboard by simply downloading the Ecosia plugin extension for free on your browser. A ground-breaking initiative you can be-leaf in.

Self-love conquers all Cupid’s stringing up his bow, and he’s asking you to shift your focus inwards. Discover the power of self-love and the ways that it can change your life, as we get the inside scoop from a life coach on the practical steps you can take to start falling head-over-heels for yourself Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Artwork | Becky Johnston

he greatest gift we can give ourselves is self-love. It lifts us up, assures us of our strengths and worth, and carries us through the hard times. Of course, throughout our lives we may find ourselves riding through peaks and troughs in terms of our relationship with ourselves. One day, we might be our own best friend, and feel proud of the person that we are. Other times, we come up against self-doubt, and feelings that we aren’t worthy of the support and love that we really do need. But through it all, self-love has the ability to help us ride the waves. “To me, self-love is holding yourself in the highest possible regard,” Ayesha Giselle, a life and accountability coach, explains. “It’s loving, liking, enjoying, appreciating, and accepting your individual qualities. It’s being kind to yourself, being committed

to yourself, and taking care of yourself. It’s the degree to which you believe that, deep down, you are worthy and deserving of the good things that you desire.” As Ayesha sees it, self-love emerges when you really take the time to explore and understand who you are, and who you are becoming. Each of us has our own personal hurdles to jump, and feelings of contentment can come and go – but if you’re ready to commit to self-love, where should you start, and what are the practical steps you need to take? With help from Ayesha, we explore the secrets to uncovering unconditional self-love. What do we have to gain? For Ayesha, self-love and wellbeing go hand-in-hand. “Self-love enables you to understand yourself enough to know what your needs are, and

it helps you regard and honour yourself, so that you get those needs met,” she says. And, as Ayesha highlights, selflove ripples out, and those good feelings that you’ll be harnessing will seep into your relationships with others, as you approach them with confidence and assurance. “You’ll be able to be more tolerant of life’s frustrations, encouraging a more forgiving attitude towards others and yourself,” Ayesha adds. Beyond that, when we’re kind to ourselves, there are some very real physiological forces at play. A study published in the journal Clinical Psychological Science found that participants who thought kind thoughts to themselves displayed lower heart rates and sweat reponses, which suggests that having our own back switches off our threat response, and puts the body in a state of safety and relaxation. >>>

What’s in our way? For many, the first step towards a better relationship with ourselves is taking a hard look at the things that are standing in our way. In her work with clients, Ayesha often sees five main obstacles: clients being too hard on themselves; not communicating boundaries; not meeting needs; not feeling ‘lovable’; and people-pleasing. “I have come across many clients who are extremely hard on themselves – for the choices they’ve made, for not following through on their promises, for how they behave, or for their habits,” says Ayesha. “I’ve had to teach clients to be kind to themselves, and to remember that the only way

we improve our lives is by learning from our mistakes, rather than putting ourselves down. Being too hard on yourself takes you on a downward spiral – it’s not a loving act at all.” In the same vein, Ayesha notes how understanding our needs, avoiding people-pleasing, and setting boundaries can help us lay the foundations of what we will and won’t tolerate, both from the people in our lives, but also from ourselves. And a good place to start when we’re looking to focus inwards, is actually outwards. “If you think about when you love a person, you do whatever you can to meet their needs, because you believe that they are deserving

of that,” Ayesha explains. “To not meet your own needs is to disregard yourself – it’s like telling yourself you are unworthy of the basics. Which isn’t true.” Step-by-step So once you’ve worked through the things that might be holding you back, what are your next steps? As Ayesha sees it, there are several practical things that we can all do to foster self-love, and there’s no time like the present to get started. To begin, Ayesha recommends taking care of yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, by checking in with yourself regularly. She suggests asking yourself: “What am I

JACKIE’S STORY The only child to Catholic parents, Jackie Handy faced many challenges to her sense of self-love and confidence, as she came to terms with her sexuality. “As a teenager, I felt weird and, despite being generally popular in school, I didn’t like myself very much,” Jackie explains. Although, with time, her parents came to support her, Jackie remained ‘in the closet’ at work, hiding a part of who she was. But that all changed when she met Shar, who is now her wife. “She was, and still is, my number one fan, and I no longer wanted to hide my truth, or conduct a secret relationship,” says Jackie. “I realised soon after meeting her, that life was too short to live inauthentically, and that I need never feel shame for who I am.” Seeing ourselves through the eyes of those who love us can teach us valuable lessons on self-love, and today Jackie says this realisation manifests itself in her gratitude, the actions she takes to give back to others, and her relationship. “Life is a rollercoaster of selfdiscovery, and you should never stop learning,” says Jackie. “Self-belief and self-love might take time to manifest in your life, but when it does you will find the possibilities it presents are endless.” Watch Jackie’s talks on inclusion and authenticity by visiting jackiehandy.com

feeling? Am I maintaining and setting healthy boundaries? How will I meet my needs?” It might be helpful to frame your thoughts with the following prompts: I feel… I need… I forgive… I trust… I celebrate… I release… Above all else, Ayesha asks: “What would someone who loves themselves do?” It’s a simple question, but it reveals the layers of thought that go into each decision we make. Take stress, for example. Would someone who loves themself push ahead and berate themselves for getting flustered, or would they take some time off, and try again with a fresh, healthy mind? Apply this thinking to the things that come up in your everyday life, and you’ll soon discover the path that you need to take. Along for the ride We’re each on our individual paths but, as we move forward with our own journeys, we have the power to bring others along with us. “Being patient with others will encourage them to be patient with themselves,” says Ayesha. “Respect people’s boundaries. You don’t always need to understand them – reasons for certain boundaries can be complex – but respecting them will give them the space they need to tune-in to themselves and grow.” As with the first steps in your own journey, extend your compassion and understanding to those you see going through the same thing, noting how they may need to do

Seeing ourselves through the eyes of those who love us can teach us some valuable lessons on self-love a lot of ‘unlearning’ – tackling unhelpful and self-deprecating thought patterns – which can be challenging and draining. “By leading by example, you inspire hope and belief in others,” says Ayesha. “One of the best gifts we can give to other people is being our authentic selves. This teaches others how to love themselves; by being a vessel of love, and sharing your love, you can teach others how it feels to be loved.” Over to you If you’re not already convinced that it’s time to start investing in self-love, Ayesha breaks it down clearly: “There’s only one way to live a life of fulfilment and joy, and that is through self-love,” she says. “Self-love is the gift that keeps giving.” And it does. Through the good times and the bad, from moments in our lives when we’re pushed into unknown territory, and those that make us question our characters, everything’s easier when we have our own back. Want to learn about life coaching? Head to lifecoach-directory.org.uk to connect with coaches remotely and in your area.

The power of stepping out of your comfort zone… race

wit h G

We all want to feel safe, and secure. But as our columnist Grace Victory reveals, if life is feeling stagnant, stepping into the unknown could be both energising, and rewarding

f I look back on my almost 30 years of life, there is so much to be grateful for. But I am definitely the type of person who rarely stops to celebrate my achievements, because when I’ve accomplished one thing, I immediately move on to the next. However, the pattern that I’ve noticed with my successes – whether big or small – is that more often than not, to achieve whatever I have achieved, I had to step out of my comfort zone. And if I’m being totally honest, sometimes I’m dragged out of my comfort zone by my therapist, and sometimes I leap! Maybe you can relate? It pains me to admit that while I regard myself as quite adaptable, there are certain experiences relating to my childhood trauma that have affected my ability to make adult decisions, and experience growth in certain areas of my life. I took me two years to make a career change, because I simply wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I knew I felt stuck and that I needed a change, but to muster up the courage to do so... well, it took me longer than I’d like to admit.

But in other areas of my life, I can swiftly move on, and alter the direction of my path. I guess it’s also dependent on whether or not I feel in control – buckle up for some serious truths! Have I told you about my issues with control? Not the control that polices people, or screams at my boyfriend that he can’t go out. I’m talking about the kind of control where if something out of the ordinary happens during my usual routine, I will immediately feel stressed. I used to use food to feel a sense of calm, because everything else in my life felt chaotic. Control, and a person’s need for it, isn’t always obvious; sometimes control works in manipulative and subtle ways, but the crux is always to feel safe. Staying within comfort zones creates a sense of safety and security, because the box we or others have placed us in, is what we’re used to. For nearly all of us, our comfort zones begin as children, often residing within our subconscious. Take playing in the park. Some toddlers can climb about, and go down big slides, without a care in the world, while

Change is full of vulnerability and uncertainty, but without those things, how will you ever know courage? others will be petrified and stick to playing in the sandpit. Or perhaps as a child you were boisterous and unafraid to try new things, but growing up, an authority figure made you feel inferior, so now you only stick to what you know. Whatever the reasons may be, comfort zones may make you feel safe, but they also play a part in you feeling stagnant, bored, and unmotivated. “A redirection to a new life means a rejection of your current life” – you can quote me on that. Listen, rejection isn’t always bad. Making changes rarely leads to a catastrophe, even if your mind tells you it will. Comfort zones

@GRACEFVICTORY

are made up of old patterns that no longer serve us – maybe they never did. When was the last time you felt alive and enriched? One of the main reasons I made a career change was I constantly felt uninterested and unenthusiastic, and I became so bored with feeling that way. The same goes for my personal development. And the only person who can change your life, your circumstances, and the direction of your journey, is you. We all have the tools within us – some of us will also need therapists and mentors to help us

see those tools – but the biggest, most important thing of all, is the belief that we can create our own lives. That we can take leaps of pure faith, and make it out the other side. That we believe we are capable of whatever we want to accomplish. But (and this is what you have probably anticipated), in order to live a life full of rejuvenation and stimulation, you have to leave your comfort zone. The excitement, the rush, the joy, the opportunities, are waiting for you, right outside the walls you’ve put up.

Change isn’t always fun, or a beautiful enlightening journey – I’d be lying if I said it was. Change is full of vulnerability and uncertainty, but without those things, how will you ever know courage? Our time on earth was never supposed to be easy or enjoyable all the time. We are here to learn lessons, experience blessings, and to feel all the feelings we need to feel – there is something really beautiful about that, if you are able to adjust your perspective. Magic happens when you take a deep breath and step into the unknown. Maybe you’ll find your superpowers. Maybe you’ll find the parts of yourself that you had forgotten. Maybe you’ll realise your worth. Maybe you’ll finally understand your purpose, and never, ever, look back.

Love Grace x

Photography | Manny Moreno

“

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself CHELSEA HANDLER

20 • happiful.com • April 2020

What is

imposter syndrome? Do you feel like you’re constantly waiting to be found out? That you’re a fraud and shouldn’t be in the position you’re in? You’re not alone. Here we take a closer look at imposter syndrome – what it is, why it affects us, and, most importantly, what we can do about it Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar

>>>

As I read and re-read the message I’d been sent, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of imposter syndrome crash over me. Someone from the BBC wanted to interview me live, via video call, during a primetime news slot. Despite the fact I had written a comprehensive article about the topic they wanted to discuss, all I could think was: “They’ve got the wrong person.” It took some serious encouragement from a close friend, and a lot of deep breaths, to say yes, but I did. And lo and behold, I did know what I was talking about, and the sky did not come tumbling down on top of me the moment I opened my mouth. This is just one example of the way imposter syndrome can show up. For some, it’s even more insidious, sneaking its way into their daily lives, as they live in fear that any day now they’ll be caught out. “Imposter syndrome is believing you are not as competent as others perceive you to be,” career coach and author Tessa Armstrong

explains. “You develop a fear of being found out, and may believe you have only got to where you are by luck. This commonly leads to feelings of self-doubt and anxiety.” If this is resonating with you, you’re in good company. According to a review article published in the International Journal of Behavioural Science, around 70% of us will experience imposter feelings, with famous faces such as Tina Fey and Tom Hanks admitting to feeling like a fraud at times.

Imposter syndrome is believing you are not as competent as others perceive you to be So what is it that leads so many of us to feel this way? Our high standards may be one piece of the puzzle, according to Tessa. “We live in a world of high expectations. This is largely experienced through education, and in the workplace,” Tessa says. “This can lead to individuals developing high expectations of themselves, and then setting unrealistic goals. It also can lead to people not speaking out when they’re struggling, as they don’t want to be found out.”

This can be compounded by growing up with parents or teachers who put a great deal of pressure on us. We can quickly internalise these expectations, pushing ourselves, and believing that nothing we do is good enough. When we do find ourselves succeeding, we become quick to dismiss it as ‘luck’, and imposter syndrome can start to fester. Sometimes new situations trigger imposter feelings too, such as when I was asked to do a live interview on TV. Other situations, such as starting a new job or going to university, can have the same effect. Certain characteristics also come into play. Tessa notes a common trait shared by her clients who struggle with imposter syndrome is perfectionism. “This is a link that I frequently see displayed by my clients, particularly lawyers, and those in similar professions. “My clients who show signs of imposter syndrome often spend far too much time over-preparing for tasks, and after the event they over-analyse how they did, often thinking their performance was worse than it really was. “Unfortunately, this forms a vicious cycle, as thoughts such as ‘I don’t want to fail’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ trigger self-doubt, and anxiety. They don’t tell anyone because of the fear of being found out, and therefore don’t seek help.” With this vicious cycle in full swing, how exactly can we move past imposter syndrome? Overcoming imposter syndrome Whether we’re conscious of it or not, imposter syndrome stems from beliefs we hold about ourselves. As we’ve mentioned, there are lots of

TOP TIPS

Ultimately, you want to be able to challenge these thoughts, to believe you are good enough, and that you can do it different things that can affect these beliefs, but wherever they’ve come from, it’s important to root them out and examine them. You may want to journal about what core beliefs you hold about yourself, or speak to a professional coach who can guide you through the process. As with many mindset issues, shining a light of selfawareness is key. Tessa recommends bringing this light of awareness to your imposter syndrome thoughts as they show up. “Be aware of when your imposter syndrome or perfectionist thoughts occur, and how they make you feel. The more you are aware of these thoughts and feelings, the easier it will be to do something about them. “Ultimately, you want to be able to challenge these thoughts, to believe you are good enough, and that you can do it.”

1. Talk about your feelings. Opening up to others can help reframe your thoughts and gain some self-awareness – but you could also try journaling. 2. Separate thoughts and feelings from fact. Try to be objective, and consider your actual achievements and skills – there’s probably a lot to support the fact that you are incredibly capable! 3. Keep track of feedback. Our minds naturally focus on criticism and negativity, so we should make a conscious effort to remember and reflect on the positive comments and praise next time imposter syndrome creeps in.

Being able to challenge your imposter thoughts may sound easier said than done, but often it’s simply a case of searching for the evidence. The next time that wave of imposter syndrome crashes over you, and you feel like you’re drowning in self-doubt, ask yourself: “Where’s the evidence?” Where’s the proof you don’t know what you’re doing? Where’s the evidence you do? Become a detective of your own thoughts, and recognise that thoughts aren’t facts. Tessa also highlights how speaking to someone can be a real source of support if you’re finding this step challenging. “Remember, it’s normal not to know everything. If you are unsure

about something, talk to someone who can help you. It may also help to ask for feedback from colleagues – it’s often more positive than you might expect.” As difficult and scary as it may feel to let someone else ‘in’ on how you’re feeling, we hope this article has shown that you’re not alone. A quick chat with a colleague or friend may put your mind at rest, or you may benefit from talking to a coach. If your imposter syndrome is causing anxiety, and you feel the roots are deep, exploring this with a counsellor may also help. Either way, don’t be afraid to reach out and tell people what’s going on for you – reassurance, support, or even guidance, can be a real life raft when you’re all at sea. Learn more about Tessa, and find a coach to support you, at lifecoach-directory.org.uk

How to deal with a toxic boss

If the culture at work is causing you anxiety, and making you doubt your abilities, the good news is that things can change. Here we share how to maximise your strengths, and regain your confidence

f you’re struggling with selfconfidence at work, thinking there is something wrong with you, please stop. Take a step back, and look at things objectively. While there are times when we might not be performing quite to our best, if it feels like the culture is crushing your spirit, and you get that dread in the pit of your stomach each morning, there could be something else at play. Toxic bosses create a culture of fear, mistrust, and presenteeism – where hierarchy determines the value of your input, and everyone is judged on their ability to imitate the ‘leader’. Some people thrive in this environment, but if you don’t, it can make your life hell, as you doubt your self-worth, and your overall abilities. Creating a foundation of selfknowledge and acceptance is the first step we need to take back control. So, if you’re struggling under a toxic boss or culture, read on to find ways to rediscover yourself, take back your power, and feel happier at work. WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU? Without clarifying what you stand for, or what’s important to

Writing | Helen Unwin

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

you, you can find yourself living someone else’s ideal life. In his 2009 TED talk, Simon Sinek asks: “Why do you get out of bed in the morning?” Having a purpose, cause, or set of beliefs, can motivate us through the hardest days at work. Have you ever considered what your ‘why’ is? Living from your values is another way to shift your focus on to what’s important. To discover yours, find a “core values list” on Google. Narrow down your options to a top five that resonate most, and describe what each one means to you. Next, explain what the opposite looks like. Finally, rank yourself against this value from one to 10, on how close you

feel you’re living to it today. When you’re not able to live out your values, it can make you feel in conflict or out of control, so take time to understand how you could move closer to them. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT I remember a time where my confidence at work hit rock bottom. It seemed like there was only one way of doing things, and it felt wrong, so I completely doubted my abilities and selfworth. Thankfully a training course opened my eyes to different work personas

Everyone has unique strengths and talents, which can be sidelined when we’re trying to fit in

and personality profiles – each completely acceptable in their own right. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTi) is a personality-profiling test that assigns a four-letter acronym to 16 personality types. Each type has its own unique combination of personality aspects, and reveals typical behaviour and natural tendencies in life, work, and relationships. You can find free versions online – I like to use 16personalities.com, as it gives plenty of detail for each personality type. More and more companies are starting to realise that focusing on weaknesses is bad for business, and now focus on discovering and maximising strengths. Strengths are ways of thinking or working that you find easy – and because they come naturally, we often think everyone has them. I find the best tool for discovering your strengths is the Gallup Strengths

finder, which highlights your top strengths out of a list of 34. Although it’s not free, you could buy the book, StrengthsFinder 2.0, to get a code for one use of the online test, to identify your five top strengths. SEE THE WORLD FROM THEIR SHOES After working through your ‘why’, core values, personality type, and strengths, you will be able to see how everyone is wired differently, including your boss. One way of improving fraught relationships, is by trying to see the world from their perspective using a tool called perceptual positioning. You place two chairs next to each other, sitting on the first to tell your boss everything you want to say. Then, change chairs and respond as them. This method helps you to understand they are human, and can also reveal where they’re coming from.

USING YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND STEPPING INTO ACTION Having a new sense of selfknowledge can have a positive impact on your self-acceptance, but using it is where the real benefits happen. How will you use this information at work, to improve the relationship you have with yourself, and your boss or colleagues? What boundaries do you need to put in place? How can you change your interactions with your boss so they feel more authentic and balanced? How can you use your unique strengths to maximum effect? I really believe everyone has unique strengths and talents, which can be sidelined when we’re trying to fit in. Please don’t suffer in silence, or feel you’re not good enough, for one more minute. Take back control by remembering who you are, what you want in your life, and then take action to make it happen. Helen Unwin is a coach devoted to helping others design and create their lives on their own terms, by rediscovering who they are – their key strengths, values, and motivations. Visit helenunwincoaching.com for more. September 2020 • happiful.com • 25

S T E V I E

B L A I N E :

W H A T

M A K E S

M A N ?

It’s about time we started talking about the body confidence issues that affect men, and Stevie Blaine is the blogger getting the ball rolling. Sharing raw and uplifting snaps from his everyday life, and opening up about the issues that touch him, Stevie is part of the self-love revolution that’s asking all of us to unlearn the things that have kept us down. Here, we chat about his body confidence journey, masculinity, and how to support the next generation Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Hi Stevie! If you reflect on your body confidence journey, can you pinpoint when it all began? I grew up in the 90s, and at the time I looked at things like magazines, TV, and movies for validation. They just made me feel like I didn’t belong, that my body was a problem. It started a long, horrible, relationship with my body, eating, and exercise. From there, I shifted weight, gained weight, and I was battling with an eating disorder and exercise addiction. I couldn’t actually live my life. Did you have a support system? My family has always been amazing. I was probably my own biggest enemy. A lot of people would help me get help, but I didn’t believe it to be true. I still felt like I needed to lose more weight or I needed to look a certain way. And one of the worst things that happened to me, when I was about 16, was when I went to see a GP. I said: “I think I’ve got an eating disorder, I’m really struggling.” The first thing they said was: “Boys don’t really get eating disorders.” In your opinion, what needs to be done to better reach men? This is what I struggle with, even now. My audience online is

primarily women. A lot of women will tag their boyfriends or their husbands in my posts, and then I’ll get messages from men who I would have never come in contact with normally. It’s reaching them in the first place – that’s the hard part. I’ve had the same group of friends my whole life, but throughout everything that was going on, I didn’t speak about things. When I finally started my Instagram page talking about it, they were all like, “Oh, I feel the same way.” I’m like, “Why have we not spoken about this for the past 10 years?” What do you think is holding men back from engaging in these conversations? I think the biggest thing is how ingrained toxic masculinity is within our culture. Men believe that they need to be strong, that they need to be unmoving, and that talking about emotional things, or things that society would deem as feminine – such as our bodies and body image – is admitting that you’ve got a weakness, and that’s emasculating. Is that something you feel that you’ve had to contend with? Yes, and I think I’m a good example, because I had the most

supportive family ever, yet I still ended up struggling for years, solely based on outside pressure and expectations. I think boys are more conscious about the way they look nowadays. We think it’s perfectly normal for guys to be spending two or three hours, every day, in the gym. We’re using health as a metric to judge people on, yet health is something that you can’t see, and it’s a privilege. I’ve had the same genetic condition since I was born. I’m never going to be ‘healthy’, never, that’s it. When I was extremely underweight, and battling an eating disorder, people would praise me for being in the gym every day. It was self-fulfilling. When did things start to look up? One day, there was a plus-size girl on my Instagram explore page. I was like, wow, this person can just live their life whereas my sole purpose, for the past 10 years, has been to change my body. I’d lost the weight, but I was left with all these other things that men don’t talk about, such as stretch marks and excess skin. That was when Instagram went from being a really negative tool to being a positive one, because then I reached out to her and said, >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 27

“You’ve honestly saved me.” It was actually bodyposipanda [Megan Jayne Crabbe], now one of my best friends. We often talk about body confidence as a journey, not a destination. Is that something that rings true to you? Definitely. The most common thing I get asked in every Q&A or DM will always be: “How do I be body confident?” I try to remain completely honest on social media. I talk about days where I’m feeling terrible. You’re never going to reach the endpoint of being completely happy, but what I think is important is working through that.

If you’re having one of those days, do you now have strategies to take care of yourself? Yes. I always talk a lot about selfcare being really important. Every morning, I used to find something in the mirror that I liked about myself. I was never allowed to use the same thing twice. At first, I would go: “I like my eyes, I like my hair.” But over time, I’d have to look at my surgical scars, I’d have to look at my stretch marks, and things that I’ve done all I can to hide. These are all things you talk about online. If you’d had access to these kinds of resources when you were young, do you think things would’ve been different?

You’re never going to reach the endpoint of being completely happy, but what I think is important is working through that That’s why I do what I do. If I’m able to help one person who’s like I was when I was 10, then that’s enough. Whether that’s being able to point somebody in the direction of fantastic resources, working with youth charities, or going into schools.

For more from Stevie, follow him on Instagram @bopo.boy

So, tell us about your work with schools. Last year, I was invited to Bodykind, which is the UK’s first body empowerment festival. Two girls, I think in year 10, were campaigning in their school to get a group of us to come and speak there. We went, and it was me, bodyposipanda, and a few others. We spoke to every single class in the entire school. Then we did small workshops, which are where we’d each focus on something. I did mine all about self-love. That was more intimate, with 10 kids. When I came back, I thought, this is something I really want to do more, even if it’s just me.

Do any experiences at these talks particularly stand out? I remember I was explaining how, when I was at school, I would sit at the back of the room wearing an oversized hoodie. My hair would cover my face. I would do anything I could to divert attention away from me. Coincidently, there was a girl who was in an oversized hoodie and had a black fringe covering all of her face. Her teacher came over to me afterwards, and was speaking to me about how she’s going through a hard time, and asked what they could do to help. Being able to provide the help that I needed is the big thing for me.

Do you think that people are now better equipped to deal with the issues that you went through? Yes, 100%. I think a lot of it is that no single person has the resources to help everyone, but being able to provide them with the tools or the language for them to label what they’ve been going through, makes a huge difference. Comparing it to me coming out, being able to use ‘gay’ as a label, gave me such empowerment. It’s the same with language related to my body. To be like, “This is body shaming,” or, “I’ve experienced body worries.” Being able to provide that dialogue, I think it allows people to start having conversations. Are you hopeful for the future? I think so. Nowadays, I think we’re a lot more self-aware. You can see how these communities on social media pop up where people don’t have access to all of the right people, in their day-to-day lives. Being able to have a place online for them to go to find like-minded people who can give them the support they need, give them the encouragement, or give them the tools to help themselves, that’s only going to become more of a thing, right? It can only help. September 2020 • happiful.com • 29

What is skin hunger?

Has the pandemic had you missing hugs from your nearest and dearest? You’re not alone. Social distancing guidelines are vital to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but they’re depriving us of our human need for physical touch Writing | Becky Wright

s humans, we’re wired for physical connection. From the moment we’re born, we learn that touch is crucial for building relationships with others – it’s how we get fed, and are taken care of. And, although you may not usually notice it, our lives are full of human touch. From shaking hands when you meet someone new, to the comforting squeeze on your arm from a friend when you’re having a tough day, life is full of gestures that keep us connected to other people. But, thanks to the global pandemic, we’ve been starved of physical contact for months. Why is touch important? It’s an instinct to try to establish an emotional closeness with others by being spatially close. Touch is thought to be crucial for building healthy relationships, and is how we establish intimacy with partners. Of course, touch isn’t just important for our romantic connections. Physical contact also has a direct link to our sense of mental wellbeing. Human touch has the power to stimulate

pathways for the love hormone oxytocin, as well as the natural antidepressant serotonin, and the pleasure chemical dopamine. When we hug, touch, or sit close to someone else, levels of these chemicals rise, reducing our stress levels, and boosting our happiness. Plus, it tackles loneliness. Even the gentlest touch from a stranger has been shown to reduce feelings of social exclusion. What’s more, skin-to-skin contact is vital for our physical health. Touch can calm certain bodily functions, such as heart rate and blood pressure. What happens when we lack physical touch? There is no doubt that social distancing is essential to slow the spread of Covid-19. But, there are consequences to missing out on regular touch, especially for a prolonged, undetermined period. Missing out on physical contact means we are deprived of its social, psychological, and physiological benefits. The pandemic has been like a period of famine, and we’re all experiencing an insatiable hunger; human touch is the forbidden

fruit, and social distancing is the gag in our mouths, starving us of physical closeness. While we’re all facing these restrictions, it’s thought that some people could be feeling the impact more than others – specifically, those who show their affection mostly through physical acts. According to author and marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman, there are said to be five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. The language you connect with most determines how you communicate in a relationship, to feel a rapport, care, and connection with your loved one. Although Dr Chapman was thinking of romantic couples when he defined these love languages, you can apply them to any interpersonal relationship. People whose love language is physical touch prefer physical expressions of love – a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, holding hands – over all other acts. Of course, this is problematic in an era of social distancing because it can result in feelings of neglect when these acts can’t be performed.

If you have a dog or cat, stroking them can act as an emotional substitute for human interaction for the time being

I wouldn’t describe myself as a very touchy-feely person. Don’t get me wrong, I love a cuddle, but physical touch isn’t the love language that I’m fluent in. But, even for me, it feels alien not to bring my loved ones into an embrace these days, having not seen them ‘properly’ for so long. So, I can only imagine that, for those who speak the love language of physical touch, social distancing must be unsettling.

How can we combat skin hunger? With social distancing guidelines likely to be required for some time still, it’s important to do what you can to feel close to others. Touch starvation doesn’t have to last forever. Counsellor Juliette Clancy says: “Although there is no exact substitution for human touch, there are some alternatives that might be worth considering that offer similar health benefits.

“Anything that moves your skin will stimulate pressure receptors and, although we may immediately think of massage, which is normally administered by someone else, self-massage gives the same kind of stimulation. “Yoga, walking, jogging, riding a bike, hugging yourself, dancing and singing, are actually also forms of self-touch.” Juliette recommends the following simple ways to feel more connected right now: • Spend some quality time with animals. If you have a dog or cat, stroking them can act as an emotional substitute for human interaction for the time being. • Try to smile. Although we are facing uncertainty, laughter is one of the easiest ways to feel better, and release endorphins. • Get sentimental. Keepsakes can help us feel the presence of loved ones. Photographs, treasured gifts, are reminders you’re cared about. • Boost your endorphins. Vanilla and lavender are scents linked with the production of endorphins. Studies have shown that dark chocolate and spicy foods can release endorphins, too. • Keep in touch. Technology makes it easy to maintain face-toface communication, and this can be a highly effective substitute for physical contact. Video chats are a great way to see and be seen. Of course, nothing can replace the importance of human contact. But, until we can safely socialise without the need to keep our distance, we can find alternatives to satisfy this basic human need. September 2020 • happiful.com • 31

Wheel of life

If you’re feeling unsatisfied with key areas of your life, then this special coaching tool could be the perfect thing to help you reassess and rebalance Writing | Kat Nicholls

hen was the last time you took a step back and evaluated how content you’re feeling with life in general? Maybe you’re struggling in your career, or your health is worrying you. Whatever the issues are, they can build slowly, knocking you off balance, and having a profound impact on your wellbeing. But taking a moment to look at your life as a whole can help you identify the areas that need attention to bring you back into balance.

32 • happiful.com • September 2020

What is the wheel of life tool? By plotting how satisfied we are with each area of our life as spokes on a wheel, we can create a visual representation of how happy we are. Connecting the dots to form a circle helps us to see quickly and easily where we’ve lost balance, and recognise which areas need work. The original concept was created by Paul J Meyer, and today different variations of the wheel are used by coaches and those in the personal development space. But this is the great thing about the wheel – it’s versatility. You can pick whatever areas of your life are most important to you, and even go deeper with separate wheels for different areas. For example, if you’ve noted that your family life needs attention, you could create a dedicated wheel to help you drill down further.

These are just some ideas, so pick the areas that feel most relevant to you right now, and then name each spoke.

How to use the wheel of life tool If you’re ready to take a bird’seye view of your life, follow our instructions to have a go on the template wheel.

3. Connect the dots Simply connect the dots to form your circle. How does it look? Can you see where your balance may be off?

1. Pick your life areas Choose which areas you want to look at. Need a little inspiration? Here are some ideas:

4. Consider your ideal score for each area While many of us may want to achieve a perfect score of 10 in

• Relationships • Career • Parenting/family • Physical health • Mental health • Finances • Personal development • Fun/recreational activities • Home • Spirituality

2. Assess your life areas Rate each area of your life on a scale from 0–10. If everything in that area is perfect, it’s a 10, but if there’s work needed, it’ll score lower. Take time with this step, and really consider how much attention you’re currently giving each area. Mark your scores on each spoke with a dot or cross.

each area, this can be unrealistic, and will likely only make us feel worse as we pursue an impossible goal. Instead, we encourage you to think about what an ‘ideal’ score would be for each area. Consider your circumstances, what time and resources you have, and which areas you really want to focus on. Remember, you can return to this tool time and time again – it’s OK for your priorities to change. 5. Set out your next steps Now you know which areas need attention, and what your ideal score for those areas would be, it’s time to create an action plan

By plotting how satisfied we are with each area of our life as spokes on a wheel, we can create a visual representation of how happy we are to make this happen. Ask yourself how you can prioritise these areas, what steps can you take to gently lift these scores, and feel more balanced? How coaching complements this work The wheel of life tool is used by coaches to help clients uncover what they truly need to feel balanced and content. Once they’ve used the tool and identified

areas to work on, the coach can offer some much welcomed support, guidance, and accountability. Having someone objective to talk to can help you uncover what’s achievable for you, and what would make the most impact. This tool can be used any time you’re feeling off-balance – we recommend checking in regularly to see what tweaks can be made.

Try it yourself

10 5 0

September 2020 • happiful.com • 33

Let go of the fear of failure Do you constantly worry about what could go wrong if you try something new? Here’s why letting go of this anxiety, and embracing the idea of failure, could lead to bigger and better things… Writing | Claire Munnings

n a world where carefullycurated social media feeds show us pictures of perfection and success every day, failure is not something many of us like to admit to. In fact, a lot of us will go out of our way to avoid it, focusing on the ‘what ifs’, and shying away from any potential disappointments. But worrying too much about failing can hold us back in many ways. This is something Iona Russell, life coach and author of Making Waves, focuses on a lot in her work. “A fear of failure stops us from trying new things, creates self-doubt, and slows us down,” she explains. “If we give into that fear all the time, we would never achieve anything. Imagine if as an infant we stopped trying to crawl or walk – we would never have learned to run!” Psychotherapist and leadership coach Deborah Maloney-Marsden agrees. “When we don’t take risks, we keep ourselves small, and we don’t live expansively,” she says.

34 • happiful.com • September 2020

“Sadly it means that so many of us are not living to our full potential.” As these experts explain, failure is part of what makes us who we are. Often, we learn far more from our mistakes than we do from our successes, and this is what allows us to grow. And it’s in those moments of risk-taking that we truly strip back our layers, and discover things about our inner resilience and capabilities that we never knew. “When we make mistakes, we experience an essential part of being human,” Deborah adds. “We start to learn that we don’t need to be perfect, and it’s OK to be fallible. It helps us accept our whole self. When we see ourselves survive, even when we fail, we grow. We learn lessons for the future, and we build resilience, confidence, and self-esteem.” And it’s often these skills that will – ironically – help us succeed later in life. For life coaches such as Iona and Deborah, then, the key to feeling

A fear of failure stops us from trying new things, creates self-doubt, and slows us down more fulfilled is working out how to limit our doubt, and instead focus on courage and curiosity. “We need to be careful to not fall into fear,” Ioana says. “Our minds want to keep us safe in the circumstances we’re in, and in the comfort zone. But, magic happens outside the comfort zone.”

can help you move forward and embrace your fear. “Knowing and naming the difference between the past and the present is really important,” she says. “It allows you to have dual awareness, and operate from the place in your life that you are in now, not the past.” Ask yourself what you’re actually worried about What is it that’s holding you back? Questioning this is really important, says Iona. “Is it being unsuccessful? Or people disliking you? If you know what’s holding you back, that’s half the battle. Address and acknowledge your worries, and let them go.” Also consider all the benefits of trying something new – and focus on the positives. “Our self-esteem and confidence grows when we get out and try things,” says Deborah, adding that we should gently challenge any inner voices that tell us differently.

FACE YOUR FEAR Keen to explore the magic of your dis-comfort zone? Our experts share their insight… Consider whether there’s a reason you’re scared While we all worry about not succeeding in certain areas of our

life, for some this may stem from an event in our past. “Be aware of the roots of your fear,” advises Deborah. “Were you overly criticised in the past? Was too much expected of you, and now only perfection will do? Have you been painfully humiliated at some point?” Recognising this

Realise the potential for growth In Deborah’s opinion, we need to embrace our edge. This is where we challenge ourselves, and the area where we can learn the most. “This is the place where things can feel scary and uncertain,” she says. “And it’s often the place we decide to back out. But, if we can start to stay here longer, and tolerate the feeling of working at our edge, we have the potential for growth.” Know the difference between a potential opportunity, and an irresponsible risk Some things really are risky, and having a fear of failure in this case is a must. This isn’t just about times >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 35

CHANGE YOUR MINDSET Listen to: ‘How to Fail’ by Elizabeth Day This award-winning podcast sees journalist Elizabeth Day interview well-known figures about what they’ve learned from things going wrong in their lives. Previous guests include Phoebe Waller-Bridge, David Nicholls, and Dame Kelly Holmes. Find all the episodes on iTunes.

where your life may be in danger, but where your financial security may be impaired, or your mental wellbeing impacted. In these situations, taking a step forward should be properly considered. “Evaluate what may be genuine danger,” says Deborah. “Remember, we’re trying to work at our internal edge, not endanger ourselves!” Take a moment to reflect, and don’t feel like you need to rush in. This can help us decide what risks we shouldn’t take, but also those we should. If you can distinguish between the two confidently, then you should feel more secure taking the risks that are safe to do so. Begin slowly “Write a list of the things that you would love to do, or achieve,” Deborah says. “Start to make small steps in these areas. It’s not about the end goal, but little wins, learning, and growing as you go. It will build your confidence as 36 • happiful.com • September 2020

you start to experience different outcomes, and your ability to flex, and adapt. Ask for feedback, tips to move forward, and integrate this as you go.” You’ll soon see that being adaptable and overcoming small setbacks is easier than it looks.

Read: Life Lessons from Remarkable Women Yes, this may be about women, but it’s not solely for women. These stories address the challenges faced by females today – from overcoming setbacks to finding fulfilment – with contributions from entrepreneurs, politicians and writers. It’s a motivational read for all. Buy it from amazon.co.uk Watch: The Dawn Wall This film is about testing yourself to your limits. Of course, we’re not encouraging you to try to climb a 3,000ft rock face in Yosemite National Park (like the protagonists in this documentary), but instead take note of the lessons learned from the two climbers. It makes for truly inspiring viewing. Find it on Amazon Prime or Netflix.

See the lessons in failing “Overcome disappointment by re-framing it,” says Iona. “Call it a lesson in life. Ask yourself what that perceived failure taught you, and then move forward. You’ve tripped, now focus on getting up. Consider how you can tackle the problem with a positive growth mindset.” Evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and think about how you may have done things differently. The lessons learned here can help you thrive later.

Iona Russell is an intuitive life coach, clinical hypnotherapist, speaker, and author of ‘Making Waves’. Visit ionarussell.com

Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully and explore our full potential.

Deborah Maloney-Marsden is a psychotherapist and leadership coach who works at a deep level to clear blocks and heal trauma. Visit deborahmaloney.com

TRUE LIFE

It’s never too late to change

Vanessa survived an upbringing blighted by violence and abuse to become a business high-flier. But burnout made her look again at the direction of her life, and to make a fresh start helping others Writing | Vanessa Poolian

hat do you see when you look at my picture? A confident, professional, female executive, right? You can probably guess it was not always the case. The truth is, I am a survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse. And these soul-destroying behaviours are more common than we might think. The more I tell my story, the more I hear: “Yes, I have been through that, too.” It saddens me, but I understand why it’s not often talked about. It is a heavy topic, and most people don’t know how to react. Some respond with disbelief or denial. Until I was about 21, it seemed I was living on an

iceberg. At the top, life appeared fine, and I was known for being a smiley, positive person. But underneath, I was trying to keep it all together by suppressing my emotions, and trying to fit in with the rest of society. Behind smiles, there can be pain. I was an academic child, and also creative, so I often daydreamed – usually about being somewhere that was fantastical and magical. The school I attended was strict, and you had no choice but to behave. If I ever stepped out of line, I would be punished at home as well as school, so I learned to be obedient and not to ask too many questions.

I did well academically, and teachers praised me for never being late or absent. But they never questioned why that was the case. Everything was working fine on the surface of the iceberg – so it appeared there was nothing wrong underneath. But I felt I was dying inside, and there was nothing I could do to escape, as everyone else was pretending everything was fine. I became an expert at making everything appear as if nothing was wrong. Home was not a safe place. Fear puts you in fight-or-flight mode, as it feels like life-or-death when you do not know how an abusive parent is

going to react. Over time, your intuition is finetuned, and you almost learn how to predict the abuser’s behaviour. You are always thinking of ways to calm a situation, even before it happens. Most days I would witness my mother being beaten by my father, and some form of abuse towards my sisters. I received some beatings, but not to the same extent, as I was the ‘academic’ one, and was mostly left alone. From a young age, I thought beating people up was normal behaviour. For example, my mother would be hit just for not cleaning the kitchen to a high enough standard. I don’t know how she survived all this. >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 37

Vanessa as a baby, with her mother

I felt I was dying inside, and there was nothing I could do to escape, as everyone else was pretending everything was fine My father treated her like she was his slave. There was absolutely no respect, and no apology for his appalling behaviour. In 2000, during my second year at university, my mother fled to a neighbour’s house after my father tried to kill her. I contacted the police and my father was arrested, but my mother was so scared that she decided not to press charges. While we waited for the domestic violence unit to arrive at the police station, my mother made the decision to leave my father. I said to her: “If you do not leave now, I will not speak to you again.” This, of course, wasn’t true, but I knew it would prompt her to leave. She and my sister had to come to live with me at my university student accommodation. 38 • happiful.com • September 2020

It was surreal. We packed all of their belongings in 10 minutes, so arrived at my digs feeling distraught and exhausted. My housemates were surprised, as they had absolutely no idea that this was going on in my life. But luckily, they understood, and allowed them to stay as long as they needed. I had no way to express myself, and sometimes, when I told people, they did not believe me. This lack of expression and validation from others turned into anger towards toxic masculinity. Whenever a male got aggressive with me, I would just go into a shell. Some of my bosses had absolutely no idea this happened, or the effect it would have on me at work.

I turned to alternative therapies for help. I felt conventional medicine had let me down, as no issues could be found despite test after test. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right, especially as I was intune with my body. All the tablets I took never made me feel better, but the meditation, sound healing, crystal healing, Reiki, emotional freedom technique, kinesiology, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, and spiritual counselling, really and truly helped me – so I am grateful to all the ‘healers’ I encountered. I don’t regret embarking on a corporate career. I’ve had the privilege of working for the top technology companies in the world. I’ve learned how to be professional, manage several projects

at once, how to deal with conflict, build strong relationships, and also to utilise complex IT systems. One of my main roles was as a customer relationship manager for large corporations dealing with multi-million-dollar accounts, so there was a pressure to perform well, attend site meetings, and take clients out to high profile social events. I now use these transferable skills today in my coaching, and my professional history gives me credibility that my clients can trust. In 2013, I left the world of IT, and my body literally shut itself down like a computer overloaded with viruses. I had to sleep for four days to recover, and then knew I had to make a change, as my lifestyle was unsustainable.

You can email Vanessa via contact@bluebellcoaching.co.uk or visit her website bluebellcoaching.co.uk

I cleaned up my diet, took courses in nutrition, and started to meditate and exercise more. I felt I had a shot at a more authentic life and to be genuinely happy, so I took the opportunity to start again. I learned that it is never too late. I enrolled at a business school to study for a professional certificate in executive coaching, graduated in 2014, and started my own business. Deep down I knew this was my calling, that I had to give back to society in some way, and that the trauma I had been through had prepared me for this. My work as a coach means that by helping others, I am also helping myself. Growing up in a toxic environment means you can easily take on negative thought patterns, but it takes a

OUR EXPERT SAYS

Deep down I knew this was my calling, that I had to give back to society true willingness to change to break that cycle. Even though I had anxiety and depression, there was a part of my soul that still wanted to grow and break free from what I perceived as a mental prison. This type of abuse can make you feel as if you are not worthy of great achievements. I try to communicate to others that they are worthy, and that success is defined by you, not others. You are

not alone in this journey, even though it may feel like that at times. At almost 40, I’m running a professional coaching business (called Bluebell Coaching, as bluebells represent new beginnings) and hope to continue helping others with their challenges. You can always start again, no matter how hard life gets. I feel that if I can succeed through all this chaos then others, with the right support, can too.

Vanessa’s story is one of transformation and renewal. The incongruence she felt between her inner and outer self is something many of us will recognise. Having to deal with such complex situations meant she went into survival mode, striving to break free of the world she was trapped in. When this happens, it is hard for our brain to process our experiences. As Vanessa grew in her self-knowledge, she realised she had a different life ahead. We all have this ability to change and to create a future that fits with who we really are – both inside and out. Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach September 2020 • happiful.com • 39

Ask the experts Aromatherapist Louisa Pini answers your questions on self-care Read more about Louisa Pini on Therapy Directory and try her free self-care quiz by visiting justbenatural.co.uk/7-days-to-self-care

I feel guilty when I spend time on selfcare – do you have any suggestions on how to overcome that guilt?

Feeling guilty is a big barrier to practising self-care, and there are many

I’m really enjoying aromatherapy at the moment. How can I incorporate this into my self-care routine?

Consider using energising and uplifting oils in the morning, and during the day. Place up to five drops of

reasons why you may feel guilty about putting your own needs first. In truth, you cannot keep giving without reaching burnout, or developing serious health issues. I find it useful to remember the cup analogy. Imagine yourself as a cup of water, and you give some of your water to others when they need it. Self-care is

always about keeping your own cup full. If you don’t keep your cup full, then you’ll have nothing left to give. When you spend more time on self-care, you feel more fulfilled, you will have more to give to others, and the things you do, feel, and say will have a more positive impact on others. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

invigorating essential oils into an oil burner or diffuser on waking, so you are breathing them in as you get ready for the day ahead. Good choices to create an energising and positive atmosphere are lime, grapefruit, peppermint, or rosemary. You could pop a drop of your favourite essential oil on a tissue, and keep it in your pocket so you can take it out and inhale when

you need a quick pick-me-up during the day. Later in the day you may wish to add some oils to a bath to help you unwind and relax. Choose oils such as lavender, geranium, frankincense, or chamomile, and blend five to six drops with two teaspoons of carrier oil, such as apricot kernel or jojoba, mix well, and add to running bath water.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Top tips for those struggling to make time for self-care: 1. Start small. Begin by giving yourself just five minutes every day to do something you love! Singing, reading, painting, whatever it is that lights you up. Give yourself permission. 2. Bring self-care into your daily routine, so it happens at a convenient time for you, and comes as easily as brushing your teeth. 3. Turn everyday actions into a self-care ritual. It’s too easy to rush through the day just ‘going through the motions’. Turn these everyday activities into mini-rituals. In the shower, don’t just quickly cleanse your body, feel the contours of your skin, spend time reconnecting with your senses and soothing touch.

I can’t get hold of my usual skincare products, and would like to try making my own – do you have any pointers?

Try some oil-based products, because if you introduce water then you need preservatives, and it all gets a bit more complicated. A lovely oil for removing eye makeup is jojoba oil, and you can blend this with some castor

oil to create a natural all over make-up remover. Castor oil is good for drawing out dirt from the pores, and jojoba is a lovely softening oil. Another good place to start would be to make your own facial oil. Once you’ve researched what oils are good for your particular skin type, blend them together and apply to your skin overnight. For hydration, include oils such as sweet almond, macadamia nut oil, and avocado oil. For oily skin consider safflower, apricot kernel, and grapeseed.

Five flowers for a bee-friendly garden How to create some honeybee hotspots this summer, when bees’ food supply is most stretched Writing | Rowse Hives for Lives

Lavender

oneybees are wonders of nature. You may see them buzzing from flower to flower at this time of year – but that’s just one pollination pitstop, as honeybees can cover three miles in one trip. In fact, a colony of around 60,000 bees will travel the equivalent distance from the earth to the moon every day! In turn, honey bees are responsible for pollinating a third of the fruit and vegetables we

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

consume, as well as producing honey – with different flowers producing distinct flavours. In their lifetime, 12 honeybees will produce a teaspoon of honey – their collective impact on the environment and food production shouldn’t be underestimated. Sadly, the UK’s honeybees have been in long-term decline. So, Rowse, the UK’s favourite honey brand, is passionately spearheading positive change through Hives for Lives – a programme of vital initiatives that protects the bees, and improves livelihoods through beekeeping. The good news is we can all play a vital role in protecting and saving this incredible species. Planting certain seasonal flowers is kind to the bees, and you’ll enjoy a ‘bee-autiful’ garden as a result! Plantlife’s Every Flower Counts survey showed that even just letting your lawn grow a little longer can generate enough nectar for 10 times more bees and other pollinators. Watching your flora bloom, and bees delighting in pollination, is highly rewarding – especially when our buzzing friends’ food is in short supply over the summer.

Here are five bee-friendly flowers to plant that are perfect for this time of year, and will create a haven for these vital pollinators: LAVENDER The scent of lavender is as lovely as its pretty purple flowers. This plant can live for years, flourishing best when planted in a sunny spot, especially through June and July. With many flowers and a high nectar content, our buzzing friends are bound to make a beeline. This plant is popular with other pollinators too; bumblebees spend 1 to 1.14 seconds per lavender flower, while honeybees delight in its pollen for 3.5 seconds. Top tip – from ‘bee’ to you: Lavender can also aid sleep, with its distinct scent believed to help invoke feelings of calm. BORAGE Depending on the variety, borage can be annual or perennial, and grows quickly from seed. This plant also reseeds itself, so can easily be grown the next year by allowing the seedlings to grow, or they can be transplanted. Borage is a hotspot for honeybees because its flowers replenish nectar often.

Therefore, our buzzing friends can frequently return to feed. For this reason, borage attracts other insects like butterflies too. Top tip: The beautiful blue flowers that bloom on borage are the perfect addition to a summery cocktail or mocktail. Young borage leaves also add texture to salads. MARJORAM Marjoram has pretty pinky white flowers, which look lovely in a garden. It is great for alluring a whole host of nature’s little visitors, from honeybees to bumblebees, butterflies, and hoverflies. It blooms in summer when the bee food supply is most stretched, and is also easy to grow. Top tip: Marjoram belongs to the same family as oregano, so is delicious on a pizza, with roasted meats, or in soups! Marjoram tea is also popular, made using dried herbs, hot water, and honey. HELIANTHUS (SUNFLOWERS) Helianthus – otherwise known as sunflowers – bloom for several months throughout the year, starting in August. This towering plant makes a real statement in the garden, and will certainly catch a honeybee’s attention! Its vibrant yellow petals also attract bumblebees, butterflies, and hoverflies to the hundreds of tiny tubular flowers in the middle of the flower. This centre is brimming with nectar, which is the main source of carbohydrates for our buzzing friends, as well as fluffy protein-packed pollen that collects on their bodies. Sunflowers are also considered to be ‘lowinfection’ flowers – their pollen has

Sunflowers are also considered to be ‘low-infection’ flowers – their pollen has medicinal and protective effects on bees, helping to improve bee colony health medicinal and protective effects on bees, helping to improve bee colony health. Top tip: Sunflowers are easy to grow, and can reach up to two metres tall! Why not challenge your family to a fun competition to see who can grow the tallest one? FLEABANE This delicate British wildflower, which belongs to the daisy family, can be planted in grass or flower beds. Fleabane produces a mass of lovely white flowers that may be tinged by lilac or yellow, with a sunny centre that entices honeybees, bumble bees, flies, and butterflies. A perennial plant that flourishes from late spring to autumn, fleabane is an oasis for honeybees at cooler times of the year when flowers are sparser. Top tip: This low-maintenance plant is ideal for filling bare spots beneath shrubs and trees. Rowse is passionately spearheading positive change for the bees through Hives for Lives, a programme of vital initiatives that protects the bees, and improves livelihoods through beekeeping. Find out more at rowsehoney.co.uk

er ow nfl u S

Marj oram

DANCING THROUGH ADVERSITY 2020 has brought some huge changes in the life of dance group Diversity’s founder, Ashley Banjo. While the global pandemic may have slowed the pace of life for some of us, the Banjo household has welcomed a new addition, had time for reflection, and given Ashley a renewed desire to share his love of dance Writing | Lucy Donoughue

ay back in 2009, the nation watched openmouthed as dance group Diversity performed their competition-smashing routine on ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent final, led by founder and creative director Ashley Banjo. Their choreography and razor-sharp movement was nothing short of spellbinding. The audience was in awe, and Diversity won the hearts and votes of millions. They’ve remained firmly in the public eye ever since. Now, 11 years on from their landslide victory, Diversity are still going strong, with a biggerthan-ever tour lined up for 2021, and thousands of fans following their every move on social media. However, performing together has been curtailed lately, with lockdown and social distancing rules putting a stop to rehearsals.

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While Diversity’s output may have temporarily slowed, life for founder Ashley Banjo, has remained full-on. In March, Ashley and his partner Francesca welcomed their beautiful son Micah to the family – a little brother for their 17-month-old daughter Rose. It’s been, he says, eye-opening. “Any parent will tell you that the leap from one child to two is massive,” Ashley explains “With one, you’re sharing everything between you, but with two – especially when they’re both under two years old – the amount of care more than doubles. It’s just a whole new world.” As well as welcoming a new family member, Ashley believes the months of enforced time at home during lockdown has significantly shifted his perspective on life. “I’ve started to question and notice different things. I’m not

the kind of person who usually says, ‘Let’s go sit outside, have a picnic, and chill out.’ I’m always ready to move and work. But being in this situation, and having the kids, I can now be with just them for hours, watching them play in the garden – that’s everything to me. It’s made me realise what’s really important.” There’s a sense that the arrival of the pandemic has refocused and renewed priorities for Ashley, with his family, Diversity, and dance solidly at the centre of his universe. His voice warms instantly when conversation moves from Covid concerns to the artform that propelled him and his closest friends into the limelight more than a decade ago, and it’s clear that his passion for movement is deeply embedded in his soul. Although their BGT victory was 11 years ago, the group has been in existence for 23 in total, and

Being together every day, going through every high and low, and seeing each other grow up, it’s quite a rare thing between friends Ashley has been there for every one of those years since the age of eight. It’s easy to imagine that such longevity as a group brings with it an intensity, level of trust, and loyalty. “Dancing together, being together every day, going through every high and low, and seeing each other grow up, it’s quite a rare thing between friends,” Ashley explains reflecting on the impact the sudden coronavirusSeptember 2020 • happiful.com • 45

led halt has had for them all. “Then when you’re ripped away from each other, you can’t train, do your skill, manage your business, and see each other – and your families are growing in the meantime – it’s emotionally tough.” Ashley says that turning to dance to elevate his mood and mind when situations are difficult is a key tool in his own mental resilience kit. He’s keen to champion its value. “The benefits of dancing are slightly overlooked in this area,” he says. “It’s proven that physical activity is massively important when it comes to your mental health and wellbeing, and that music is a mood-lifter, moodchanger, and mood-enhancer. So when you combine the two, with creativity and the opportunity to express yourself as well, dancing is a proper powerhouse for mental wellness.” And, if there were to be a silver lining to the cloudy Covid sky, the fact that more people are engaging with dance, and receptive to moving for their mood, might just be it for Ashley. He reveals that Diversity has seen a huge surge in demand for their online dance classes, and he loves the fact that people want to move for themselves. TikTok, he suggests, has had a really key role to play in this societal change. “The ability to be free, create moves, dance, listen to music, all those things that bring people joy – it’s all there, and it’s a little bit raw and more real. 46 • happiful.com • September 2020

Having kids, I’m much more aware that I’m sowing the seeds for the world that they’re going to be living in “I think that TikTok has been a bit of light relief, and an escape for many people. What they’re experiencing is kind of my job – that’s why I love it, and why I’ve missed it so much.”

If there was ever to be a national ambassador for the mood-enhancing benefits of dance, Ashley Banjo should be handed the title immediately. Undoubtedly, he’s already inspired thousands of children to get up and move through the many dance programmes he’s appeared in and judged on. And now it seems he’s passed on his enthusiasm and dancing DNA to his young daughter Rose. “I haven’t had to teach her anything, she’s already started moving her hips, bless her.” he laughs. “When music comes on, she just loves it!” Will he bring Rose into the Diversity troupe? “If you’re part of

3 amazing online dance classes to lift your spirits Join weekly tutorials with Diversity at 20dv.co.uk Check out The Fitness Marshall on YouTube, for dance workouts to Britney, Lizzo, and more. Learn to samba with Strictly Come Dancing’s Oti Mabuse, also on YouTube.

this family, you’re already in it,” he says fondly. “You can’t not be.” A future Diversity tour with two additional Banjo members may be some way down the line, but Ashley is already thinking years ahead. “Having kids, I’m much more aware that I’m sowing the seeds for the world that they’re going to be living in,” Ashley admits. This focus on the future has also brought new ventures for Ashley, and this spring he teamed up with Pura, the eco-friendly children’s brand, to promote their range of ‘fine to flush’ 100% plastic-free, biodegradable, and compostable baby wipes, reading the educational and entertaining Lilly and the Wipe Monster bedtime book on their Instagram account, to share the devastating and unnecessary impact of plastic on our planet.

“Before, I was using hundreds of baby wipes and adding them to landfill because most wipes are full of plastic – unlike these,” Ashley explains. “They’re as good as anything I’ve used on my babies, and they’re affordable so it’s a win-win. “In all honesty, I can’t say that I do everything eco yet, but that’s why I like working with Pura, because it allows me to do something small and meaningful. At this moment in my life, I’m trying to be more reflective and thoughtful – and so this just fell into place.” The idea of making small personal changes which could have a big positive impact on your own life, mood, and family, and keeping your creative passions alive, are recurring themes that come through loud and clear in conversation with Ashley. This also applies, he says, to self-care. “What I’ve realised in the past year, is the ability to lift your mood and pick yourself up, can come from within. Even if you wouldn’t usually, get up and dance, put on that piece of music, read the book you love, take time out – selfcharge that battery. “Don’t get too caught up in the values of the world around you,” he continues. “Try to recharge from inside out, and when you do that, everything falls into place a lot easier. I call it your ‘self-worth charge’.” Finding out what charges your batteries may be a truly personal

Ashley Banjo is an Ambassador for Pura – 100% plastic-free baby wipes, available from mypura.com, with free next day delivery. Tickets are on sale now for Diversity’s 2021 Connected tour.

thing, but after speaking to Ashley I’m intrigued by the thought of dancing as a way to lift my solo home-working blues. The house is quiet, the dog is asleep, and although I’ll never make it into an award-winning dance group like Diversity, it feels good to stick on my headphones and shimmy around the living room in the middle of the day. Ashley is right, dancing is a powerful tool for mood improvement, and I’d thoroughly recommend it, too. September 2020 • happiful.com • 47

Photography | Muhammad Fajarruzaman

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In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you DEEPAK CHOPRA

EIGHT MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SIGHT LOSS We would hope that many partially-sighted people feel supported by those around them, and yet so often prejudice, a lack of awareness, and misunderstandings about what it really means to have impaired vision, can put barriers to this. Here, we debunk the myths to uncover the reality for those with sight loss Writing | Caroline Butterwick

rom friends guiding me through crowded bars, to strangers helping me find a seat on the train, I’ve experienced lots of support as a partially-sighted person. But I’ve also come across plenty of misconceptions about what it means to live with sight loss. Here, we share eight of these, in the hope of breaking down stigma, and transforming perceptions. SOMEONE USING A CANE OR GUIDE DOG HAS ABSOLUTELY NO VISION Visual impairment is a spectrum. Some people will have a lot of useful vision, while others may be able to see colours and shapes, have light perception, or, more rarely, have no sight at all. Not every person with sight loss uses a cane or has a guide dog, but people who do can have a range in levels of vision. I’ve overheard people make comments like, “How is she reading that?” when I’ve been looking through Twitter on my phone, cane in my other hand. My cane acts as a symbol that I may need help or that I’m not being rude if I bump into someone. It doesn’t mean I have no useful sight at all. It’s important to be respectful and supportive of those with differing abilities and needs, and not alienate them. VISUALLY IMPAIRED PEOPLE CAN’T USE TECHNOLOGY Whether it’s texting a friend, sending emails for work, or reading the news, our phones, tablets, and laptops, are a key part

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of our day – and, for many visually impaired people, that’s just as true. Holly Tuke, who blogs at Life of a Blind Girl, says: “I use a range of assistive technology on a daily basis, which enables me to carry out tasks just like sighted people. It enhances my independence.” A few useful tools I’ve found include Windows Magnifier, which zooms in on what’s on my computer screen, and also textto-speech software – there are lots of free versions available, such as Balabolka, Natural Reader, and WordTalk. We can also adjust the settings on our phones to increase the font, enhance contrast, or read out loud. The likes of Siri and Alexa make it easy to get information quickly in a non-visual way, too. YOU CAN TELL SOMEONE HAS SIGHT LOSS JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM I’ve been told I “don’t look blind”, or had people be surprised when it comes up that I’m partially sighted. I have to resist the urge to respond: “What does a visually impaired person look like, exactly?” Focusing on our eyes is rarely a way to tell. We can’t assume that someone does or doesn’t have a disability just by looking at them. PEOPLE WITH SIGHT LOSS CAN’T TAKE PART IN SPORT S Personally, I hated PE as a teenager, and found sports that involve interacting with a ball in any way pretty difficult. But many visually impaired people enjoy sports and exercise – and are perfectly capable of taking part in them.

“I love swimming and tandem cycling,” says Holly. “We may need support from a sighted person, such as having a guide runner, but this is all part of the fun.” I have friends who play goalball – a team sport designed especially for visually impaired people that uses a ball with bells in order to tell where it is – as well as others who take part in more mainstream sports, from running to wrestling. YOU NEED FULL SIGHT TO ENJOY TV, FILMS, OR THEATRE When I was in school, I struggled to follow what was happening on stage during trips to the theatre. It was only as an adult that I made the obvious connection that it was because I couldn’t see what was happening properly, rather than me being uncultured. Many TV programmes, cinemas, and theatres, offer audio described showings and performances, which give a description of the visual action so that those with sight loss can follow the story – something I wish I’d known about when I was younger. My local theatre, where I’m discovering my love of plays, also provides me with front row seats so I can better see the stage. It’s always worth asking about accessibility at venues to see how they can better support you. NO ONE WITH SIGHT LOSS CAN WORK According to the Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB), only 27% of blind and partiallysighted people of working age are in employment. Many of the

barriers causing this seem to come down to a perception that we aren’t able to work, or that employing us will be expensive. For a lot of jobs, there are adjustments that can, and should, be made, and can often be funded via the government’s Access to Work scheme. “I would be unable to do my job without specialist software such as a screen-reader,” explains Holly. Other adjustments can include support with travel, electronic magnifiers, large screen monitors, or providing documents in an alternative format.

SIGHT LOSS SUPPORT • The Royal National Institute of Blind People (RNIB) website has information, advice, and a helpline for further support (rnib.org.uk, 0303 123 9999). • Charity Retina UK also has a helpline, along with email support, information, and volunteering opportunities on its website (retinauk.org.uk, 0300 111 4000, helpline@retinauk.org.uk) • The NHS website has information on getting specialist referrals, as well as support groups for those with sight loss.

VISUALLY IMPAIRED PEOPLE CAN’T ENJOY FASHION OR MAKEUP

It’s always worth asking about accessibility at venues to see how they can better support you

“Beauty and fashion can be made accessible through learning to apply makeup by touch, and organising your wardrobe in a particular way so that you know which pieces of clothing make a nice outfit,” Holly says. For me, things like using a magnifying mirror help. We can take pride in our appearance, and enjoy the way a good outfit makes us feel, just as much as anyone else. OUR OTHER SENSES ARE HEIGHTENED We may pay more attention to our other senses – for example, when I cross the road, hearing is particularly important – but there’s nothing special or different about these senses. We just use them more. September 2020 • happiful.com • 51

Four alternative ways of thinking about anxiety With more than eight million people in the UK experiencing anxiety, it’s vital to ensure it doesn’t take over our lives. Here, we share four methods of addressing anxiety, and how a change of perspective can help us get one step ahead Writing | Lucy Nichol

ith the unexpected way 2020 has gone so far, it’s not surprising that anxiety is all around us. The future of politics, the planet, and even our daily life, is reinforcing the country’s unease as a whole. But what if the anxiety of the modern world is compounded by a diagnosable anxiety disorder? Generalised anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, social anxiety, health anxiety, panic disorder – these are all forms of anxiety-based mental health problems that can occur regardless of who’s feeding Larry the cat at Number 10. Having an anxiety disorder on top of living in today’s unsettling world is certainly not an easy ride. According to the charity No Panic, anxiety is one of the most common forms of mental illnesses, and in 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of anxiety in the UK – not an insignificant number. The thing is, on top of actually experiencing an anxiety disorder, there’s the added complication of the stigma surrounding it – whether that be dismissive

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comments about ‘anxiety being a normal part of life’ or a feeling that you’re somehow ‘weak’ or ‘feeble’ for living with an anxiety disorder. As somebody who has personally experienced anxiety and panic for decades, I’ve found a few ways to make peace with it. Here are four alternative ways of thinking about your anxiety: 1. VIEW YOUR ANXIETY THROUGH ANOTHER LENS I’m an arachnophobe. When I was younger, a friend suggested that when a spider gate-crashed my night in front of the telly, I should imagine it wearing a disco dress. It’s far less frightening when you change your view of it. We can do the same with anxiety. My therapist once suggested it was like a meerkat – always on the lookout for danger. I might be scared of spiders, but meerkats are adorable – and they’re always looking out for one another. So, if I feel panic coming on, rather than get angry at my anxiety, I try to think of it as being a well-meaning, albeit rather misguided, meerkat. The anger soon subsides.

2. REMEMBER, YOU NEVER GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE You’ve been free of panic for 10 years and all of a sudden – bam – you’re awake at 3am having the mother of all panic attacks (true story). There’s no need to feel as though you’ve catapulted back to the days of relentless anxiety and panic. Those early days were terrifying because you didn’t know what was going on. But over the years, you’ve learnt what anxiety is, and techniques to help calm your mind. You know that a panic attack has never killed you. You’re already one step ahead. There’s a difference between a relapse and a lapse – and neither means you’re suddenly back at square one. 3. ANXIETY DOESN’T MAKE YOU AFRAID OF EVERYTHING I remember feeling disappointed when I was told my symptoms were more aligned to generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) than health anxiety. I thought – does that mean I’m anxious about everything then? I thought I was no longer neat or niche. But actually, generalised doesn’t mean everything.

We’re rarely afraid of what we can see directly in front of us. It’s the unknown – the ‘what if?’ – that frightens us. If anxiety showed its face and screamed like a banshee, we’d probably tell it where to go. We’re not weak and feeble – we just don’t like things creeping up behind us when we’re not expecting it. If anxiety ever tells you you’re weak, think about all the brilliant things you’ve achieved, the times you’ve stood up for yourself, or done something others might consider brave. Make a list – you’ll probably run out of paper.

4. ANXIETY IS SOMETHING WE LIVE WITH; IT DOESN’T DEFINE US Some of the most assertive, kick-ass people I know are mental health campaigners with lived experience. Take author and activist Natasha Devon’s unwavering approach to tackling injustices in mental health. Natasha lives with anxiety which can sometimes be crippling. But she’s also stood her ground with the likes of Piers Morgan, spoken out in parliament, dealt with trolls, and used humour to tell them where to go. Natasha, and so many others like her, like us, are amazing.

So we can probably forget about the ‘worried well’ and the shame that comes with it. In 2020, we’re all about the ‘awesomely anxious’. The awesome part is us, while the anxious bit is that pesky thing that we sometimes have to live with and manage. Whether it’s a meerkat, a spider, or a cute little Mogwai that occasionally turns into a terrifying Gremlin, you deal with it as best you can. And that’s certainly no mean feat. Here’s to the awesomely anxious! September 2020 • happiful.com • 53

How to achieve your goals Whether lockdown prompted a change in your outlook, or you’re simply feeling the ‘back-toschool’ vibe that September often brings, we’ve got you covered with five techniques to help you set and achieve your goals – you’ve got this Writing | Kat Nicholls

1. Visualise your average perfect day So often people focus on the big life moments, or that one achievement we think will make us happy. But picturing what our ideal life would look like on a normal day can reveal our heart’s actual true desires – and prompt us to think about what our goals should be to achieve this. Take some time to visualise your average ‘perfect’ day – where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. Most importantly, notice how this makes you feel. Write this day down, and use it as a template to set your goals. 2. Try reverse goal-setting The idea is to shake up your perspective by starting with your end goal. Ask yourself what you’d like to achieve, and when, and work your way backwards from there – pretty quickly you’ll find yourself with a plan of action. This method can help you think about the big milestones you need to reach, so you can prepare in advance rather than addressing difficult decisions as they arise.

This approach is especially helpful for big or time-intensive goals. It helps us be more realistic about how long actions will take, and ensures our goal is truly achievable. 3. Anchor new habits to existing ones If your goal requires regular action, you’ll need to create some new habits – though this can be easier said than done. Although it can take a while to really make these behaviours part of our routine, an easy way to fast-track this process is by anchoring your new habit to an existing one. Take something you do regularly, such as brushing your teeth, and use this action to link to a new one you want to form. Every time you brush your teeth, spend some time on your new habit, and after a while it will feel as natural as… well, brushing your teeth. 4. Try the WOOP technique Designed off the back of more than 20 years of scientific research, the WOOP technique was created by psychologists Gabriele Oettingen

and Peter Gollwitzer. It’s a visualisation technique that asks you to do the following: Wish – wish for something you want to accomplish, your goal. Outcome – imagine the best outcome of achieving your goal. Obstacle – consider what obstacles you might face. Plan – make an ‘if/then’ plan to use if your obstacle occurs, so you can feel prepared. Try making this part of your daily routine – why not anchor it to your shower and WOOP while washing? 5. Celebrate your wins This is an essential part of goalsetting that we often forget. Keep yourself motivated, and boost your confidence, by celebrating when you achieve your goal, and all the smaller wins along the way. You may want to plan a reward for yourself, and note all of the wins on your journey so you can reflect, and see how far you’ve come. For support with achieving your goals, visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk

TRUE LIFE

A message of impact Feeling numb to life, Andy Salkeld’s depression was a secret from those around him. But in his darkest moments, a simple connection and kind gesture from a friend saved him Writing | Andy Salkeld

ix years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. Four years ago, I decided to end my own life. Two years ago, I finally accepted it and told the world. I expected a few “oohs” and “aahs”, maybe a little sympathy, but mostly just, “Glad to hear you’re doing better.” As with most things, expectation is not reality. It was never that I was alone. It was never that people didn’t care about me. It was simply that they didn’t know what I was struggling with. I was living a ‘middling’ existence. I was at that point of mid-life

mediocrity. My career was stagnant. My friendships were fading. My life was lacklustre. Nothing brought any excitement anymore. Being diagnosed with depression gave context to what was happening, but it certainly didn’t help with any of it. Sure, the medication (sertraline) helped dull the existential dread a bit, but the depression itself left me mostly numb anyway. Seeing a therapist helped as well. It gave me a time and a place to express what little feelings remained within me. I learned to exist. I was almost becoming

comfortable with it. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad. I just existed. However, the rock bottom I thought I’d found was not the bottom at all. There was a darker depth I hadn’t reached yet. Then my wife left me. Suddenly everything faded to black. My seven failures were finally complete. I had failed in my career; I was far from the successful accountant I was meant to be. I had failed as a son and as a brother; I was not a child to be proud of, nor someone to be looked up to. I had failed as a friend; too distracted by

my own problems, I was distant and detached from those around me. Now I had failed as a husband and as a man; closing the circle around me. The capstone to it all was that in all these failures, I had failed as a human. I no longer felt emotions. I was numb to it all. As my humanity dwindled to nothing, I decided the only reasonable course of action was to end my life. I convinced myself that something selfish was completely selfless; ending my life was ‘for the greater good’. The short-term pain of losing me was better than the long-term pain >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 55

My life was lacklustre. Nothing brought any excitement anymore. Being diagnosed with depression gave context to what was happening, but it certainly didn’t help with any of it

of living with me in this state. All the colour faded from my life, and I knew what needed to be done. I did my research. I prepared. It was no longer a matter of ‘if’, only ‘when’. I waited. One fateful day I decided it was time. I had closed all the open loops in my life, and I was at peace with what I was about to do. I sat on my bed ready. Then a sound. A vibration. A perturbation. My phone was in the room next door. I decided to check it. I didn’t want anything left undone. It was a message from my best friend. It wasn’t even much of a message. Barely a line or two. No 56 • happiful.com • September 2020

narrative. No exposition. No nuance. All I remember now is a single word. It read, “Pub?” It was a simple reminder that I was meant to be meeting them in a few weeks or so to catch up. We live quite a distance from each other, so organising when we can actually see each other is hard. They’d been through a rough patch themselves, and I felt I’d let them down by not being there as I was too distracted by everything happening

in my life. But in this moment, regardless of what had come before, or could come again, they still wanted to see me. They still wanted me here. Some say that you’re never really best friends unless you’re a bad influence on each other. We are the worst (best) when we’re together. Everything is a competition. Everything is dialled up to 11. But we’ve never let the other down. We’ve never given up. Regardless of time,

distance or anything else, we’ve always been there for one another. I was about to give up. I was about to let them down. And that was all it took for me to stand down. That was all it took for me to write a similar, nonuanced message back reading “ofc.” That was all it took for life to find a way. It took me the best part of a year or two to even tell them what happened that day. For the longest

Andy Salkeld is the author of ‘Life is a Four-Letter Word: A Mental Health Survival Guide for Professionals’ – available now in paperback and ebook on amazon.co.uk

time I was so scared and so ashamed that I’d reached that point in my life that I kept it hidden away, preferring to avoid than confront it. When I finally told them, over a pint at a pub of course, they were shocked. It wasn’t that it had happened. It was that they didn’t know, and that they weren’t able to be there for me more. I’ve learned a lot from living all this, so much so I’ve written a book on the subject!

One of the questions I am always asked is: “How can I help someone who is struggling?” It’s with a heavy heart that I always respond by saying that: “You can’t help someone until they are ready to be helped.” Until someone is ready to face what they’re struggling with, you can’t do much. What you can do is remind them you’re there. Keep being their friend. Keep inviting them to things. Keep being as close to them as you can. When

Show the people in your life that you care for them, and that you want them to be there. You never know what someone is going through until you communicate properly with them

that person is ready to be helped, there will come a point where they’ll turn round to look for people to help them. This is the inflection point. The pivot. Whatever you want to call it. This is the point where we can lose people. When you are going about your daily lives and you think of someone, or a fond memory of a distant time comes to mind, share it with them. Show the people in your life that you care for them, and that you want them to be there. You never know what someone is going through until you speak and communicate properly with them. Ask. Reach out. Chat. Converse. Be present! Don’t do it for you. Do it for them. Because you’ll never know the impact just the smallest of messages can have on a person.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Andy struggled with depression for more than six years. He felt that his life was undistinguished, and these feelings of a lack of success led to a descent into despair, where he felt that he had little to go on for. A chance call at his lowest moment helped him to reconnect with his friends, and the relationship they wanted. Although it took time, he was able to reach out and recover when he was ready. Andy’s story shows that we can all help each other by being ready to both give and accept support, and talk when needed. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

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Photography | Carles Rabada

“

A flower blossoms for its own joy OSCAR WILDE

10 steps to cope with redundancy Facing redundancy can be an emotional, difficult time. Not knowing what the future holds can lead to more worries and uncertainty, but with the right support and planning, you can start making your move towards a successful next step in your career Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

hether you knew it was a possibility or the news was a complete shock, being made redundant can feel like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you. You’re probably going through a barrage of emotions: shock, denial, anger, worry, anxiety, uncertainty. Losing your job can impact your sense of wellbeing, negatively affect your mental health, relationships, and confidence. But it’s important to remember: you will get through this. We share 10 simple steps to help you cope with the redundancy process, and start the next step in your career.

Know your legal rights Understanding your legal rights, and knowing what to expect, can have a calming effect, and help you to feel in control. It’s important to know how much redundancy pay you will get, how long your notice period is, and if you’re able to leave sooner to start a new position. Once you have the basic details, you can start thinking more clearly, regain your balance, and face the next steps. The Money Advice Service is incredibly useful, and the official gov.uk website has everything you need to know about redundancy, along with a simple tool to help you calculate whether you’re entitled

to a statutory redundancy payment and, if so, how much. As well as looking at external sources for information and guidance, remember to check your contract, speak with someone in HR, or chat with your union representative to discuss your specific entitlements. >>>

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Manage your money Once you know what you’re entitled to (and when you’ll be paid), it’s worth working out a budget. It’s not something we like to think about, but there’s no guarantee how quickly you’ll be able to find a new position. Thoughtfully managing your finances can be key to reducing feelings of stress and worry.

Try not to take it personally A big part of the redundancy process is understanding what’s happening and why. It can help to acknowledge that the decision isn’t personal – there’s a logical, commercially-driven decision behind what’s happening. Losing your job can be extremely stressful, but you aren’t alone. You may not have control over losing your job, but you are able to control how you deal with that loss and move forward.

Be open and honest Speaking with your loved ones can be a crucial part of the redundancy process. If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to be as open and honest with your partner as you can. Together, you can tackle any financial or emotional worries; you don’t have to face these alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of; redundancy can happen to anyone, at any time – it isn’t a reflection on your work ethic, the quality of your work, or you as a person. Loved ones can offer support and guidance through this tough time. But if you don’t feel ready to talk yet, that’s OK too.

Are there any areas you can cut back on – subscriptions you don’t need? Could you save money by switching bill providers or changing mobile tariffs? Small changes add up and go a long way. Remember to check if there are any benefits you may be entitled to – Jobseeker’s Allowance, Universal Credit, or an Employment and Support Allowance. Charity

Turn2Us offers more information, plus an easy-to-use calculator to find out what you might be entitled to. If you’re worried about credit card debt, loan payments, or bills, Citizens Advice can be one of the best places for guidance. But it’s also worth checking any existing insurance policies to know where you stand with mortgage or loan repayments.

Protect your energy

Set realistic parameters

Approaching your options with a positive mindset can help to increase your productivity, allow for more effective communication, boost your confidence in what you say (and how you say it), as well as allowing you to present the best possible version of yourself. Practising regular mindfulness and meditation can be a simple way to help refocus your energy, as well as to understand your motivations. Protecting your energy can also include examining how you frame what is happening in your life, and how you can move forward towards new opportunities.

Entering the job market can feel both liberating and terrifying. Although it can be tempting to open up your search to a wider range of opportunities, make sure to consider factors that affect your day-to-day satisfaction. Keeping geographical location, economic factors, and creativity in mind, can create a solid basis

Reassess your career (and life) goals Redundancy can present the opportunity to take stock of your skills, talent, and experiences. Is there anything you want to change in your career? Have your goals remained the same, or is now the chance to start on a new journey? Changing jobs can allow you to readdress your work-life balance if your old role left you feeling stressed, or on the path to burnout. If you aren’t sure where your passions lie, what you want to do next, or what your longterm goals are, working with a personal development coach can help. They can help you set goals, track your achievements, and start recognising your progression. A career coach can help you in a number of ways – from teaching you to identify obstacles, to improving your CV.

for your search. Maybe you’ve found the perfect career move, but have you considered the stress a longer commute may cause? Or perhaps you’ve found a well-paying role in the right area, but is it going to challenge you? It’s good to dream big and keep your options open, but make sure you factor in areas that may affect your wellbeing.

Start networking It’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know. When job hunting, making the most of your network, and expanding on your contacts can be beneficial. Using social media can be a simple way to network at any age. Have a clear social media presence, and have an active,

Let the search begin To set yourself up for success, it’s important to make sure your CV is up-to-date. It’s not just about stuffing keywords in to be picked up by online algorithms, your CV gives you the opportunity to show how well-rounded you are as a candidate. Tailoring your cover letter to suit each role is key. Having templates can be handy, but it’s important to personalise it with details about the specific role, how you fit the criteria, and why you’re interested. Simple details like getting the hiring manager’s name right can help create a good first impression. If you aren’t sure how to get started, Reed offers great CV and cover letter templates.

engaged account on LinkedIn, professional Facebook groups, and even Twitter. Share your expertise and industry knowledge – the more you put yourself out there, the more you can start raising your profile, and (hopefully) get noticed by the right people.

Look after your mental health and wellbeing It can be tempting to spend every waking hour searching for new jobs, but putting that extra strain on yourself won’t help – you can neglect your wellbeing, become disheartened, and start making small but silly mistakes (such as sending the wrong cover letter to the wrong company). It’s important to practise regular self-care, and spend quality time with loved ones. To discover more about redundancy coaching, what to expect, and to find a coach near you, check out our free Happiful app.

How to listen without judgement

How fine-tuned are your listening skills? Counsellors Laura Harley and Beverley Hills share their top tips to become a more active listener Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

e all like to think we’re good listeners, but when the moment arrives do we deliver? If you’ve ever found yourself glancing at your phone, planning ahead, or interjecting with personal experiences, then the chances are you haven’t been listening as closely as you think. Listening without judgement can be even trickier. We all have opinions, and when approached by a friend or colleague, we may assume they’re looking for a solution when this isn’t actually

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

the case. Sometimes, we just want to share – and to feel truly heard – without expectation or judgement. But is being a good listener a natural talent, or something we can all improve? WHAT IS ACTIVE LISTENING? Active listening is all about focusing on, and engaging with, what is being said, paraphrasing the discussion, and reflecting this back – all without offering judgement or advice. Through active listening, we can help others to feel heard and valued.

Over time, this can improve our relationships, by showing we are both attentive, and care about what others have to say. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO BE A GOOD LISTENER? “Have you ever chatted to someone and felt your words were just not sinking in?” counsellor Beverley Hills says, explaining why it’s so important to develop our listening skills. “They may be playing with their hair or phone. This is called passive listening; they are not really paying attention, and it

leads to you feeling diminished, and unimportant – it shuts you down. Active listening is a skill all counsellors learn in order to ensure the client feels heard.” HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER According to online counsellor Laura Harley, when it comes to learning how to be a better listener, practise is key. “Supportive listening is a skill which we become better at the more we practise it,” Laura says. “When we hear a loved one describe something emotive, it can be hard to keep our judgements out of the conversation – naturally, we have personal ideas around the things we have been taught to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by – but crucially, supportive listening is about the other person, not us.” When we’re able to hear what other people have to say without allowing our personal opinions, or biases to affect the conversation, we demonstrate our skills as a good listener. We may feel a certain way about a situation, however it may not be an appropriate time to share our thoughts or feelings. Ensuring we give the person our full attention is an important part, Beverley explains. “This can be conveyed by, among other things, putting down your phone, keeping eye contact, paraphrasing what’s just been said, and nodding in agreement so the speaker feels heard, understood, validated. “So many times people appear to be listening, but instead they are formulating their own replies, ready to interject when there is a pause. Instead, let the silence continue until the speaker gives

5 QUICK TIPS TO GET YOU STARTED •L isten for non-verbal cues – pay attention to body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures. •D on’t interrupt – hold any questions or attempts to relate until they’ve finished talking. •G ive feedback – nod, make noises that encourage them to continue, and avoid fidgeting. •P araphrase and reflect – summarise what the other person has said to ensure you are understanding, and show that you’re listening. •D on’t offer a solution or opinion – unless asked! If in doubt, ask if they want to vent or hear suggestions. be,” says Beverley. “Think of the silence as a bit of breathing space, helping the speaker reframe.” It’s good to remember that people reach out to speak with us for all manner of reasons. Not everyone is looking for a solution. Sometimes, they just want to be heard. I think that’s something that we can all empathise with. you a verbal or non-verbal clue that they are ready to continue – they may look up at you and smile, ask if you understand their viewpoint, or even cry. Whatever they do it’s their time, their space in which they can be heard.” But why is it important to become comfortable with silence during conversations? “What’s happening in this silence is you are giving the speaker time to think, to reflect, to add, to

Laura Harley is an online counsellor who works predominantly with millennials and LGBTQ+ people. Beverley Hills is a counsellor and clinical supervisor, working with psychotherapists, mental health professionals, law firms, and counselling trainees. If you need to feel heard, you can find professional online and face-to-face support on the Happiful app. September 2020 • happiful.com • 63

Chimamanda | chimamanda.com

OVERLAPPING STORIES Craving empowerment and inspiration? Look no further than Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie If you’re not already aware of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, then start consuming all her content, immediately. With her elegance and wit, it’s no wonder her award-winning work has been translated into more than 30 languages, and has been published in ‘The New Yorker’, and the ‘Financial Times’, among others. With her rallying call for 21st century feminism, Chimamanda shares insight, and draws on her own experiences to promote inclusion, and raise awareness of the discrimination in the world. Read: We Should All Be Feminists (Fourth Estate, £5.99) Based on her iconic TEDx talk of the same name, Chimamanda pens this powerful and eloquent essay to share her unique definition of 21st century feminism. While drawing on her own experiences, she puts the spotlight on discrimination and behaviours around the world that marginalise women. It’s an inspirational read, empowering both men and women to live true to themselves, in her witty style that explains why the gender divide is harmful for all. An absolute must-read. Watch: The danger of a single story on TEDGlobal

You can’t write a script in your mind, and then force yourself to follow it. You have to let yourself be

– CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE

Viewed more than 22.7 million times, Chimamanda’s TEDGlobal talk from 2009 is an essential watch to broaden your perspective. She shares insight on the power of representation, and how singular stories can perpetuate stereotypes. The problem with seeing only one story? Chimamanda explains: “It robs people of dignity. It makes our recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasises how we are different, rather than how we are similar.” From her own experience of both sides of this, Chimamanda shares, with humour and wisdom, how she found her own authentic cultural voice, and how important it is to appreciate and see the many overlapping stories that create a person, and culture. Listen: ICYMI Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on How to Raise a Feminist Child on ‘The Daily Show with Trevor Noah: Ears Edition’ podcast Chimamanda discusses negative stereotypes around feminism, and gender roles with host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Trevor Noah. Follow: Instagram @chimamanda_adichie

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Ayurvedic rituals to boost your happiness Turn to this ancient Indian practice to nourish your mental wellbeing

olistic therapies – that see the body and mind as intrinsically linked – have become increasingly popular in recent years, as people look for fresh ways to achieve physical and mental rejuvenation. So, it’s no surprise that Ayurveda has become a buzzword in wellness circles lately. This Indian philosophy dates back 5,000 years, and is centred around balance, harmony, and wholesome self-care. But how can we use it to improve our wellbeing?

Writing | Claire Munnings

For Mira Manek, a wellness consultant and author of Prajna – Ayurvedic Rituals for Happiness, it’s fairly straightforward. She first started exploring the idea of Ayurveda as a teenager, and now lives her life in tune with its principles – a move which she says has been a revelation for her. “Ayurveda is one of the world’s oldest medical systems – developed by ancient seers, sages, and natural scientists – and is based on the premise that humans come from nature, and from the universe, and

therefore our bodily rhythms and wellbeing are intrinsically linked to it,” she explains. “For me, understanding the importance of living according to my circadian rhythm, and eating wholesome cooked foods, has been an essential lesson in realising what affects my health and happiness.” According to Ayurveda, we each have our own individual pattern of energies (or doshas) working within us, and by incorporating this knowledge into our lives we can be healthier and happier. >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 67

Mira Manek is a wellness consultant

What, when, and how we eat is a key part of Ayurvedic teachings, as well as movement, mindfulness, and gratitude. “The overarching principle of the practice is to live a more sattvic life (which promotes purity of both body and mind) by instilling daily rituals to bring about balance, prevent disease, and promote longevity – all of which create and fuel happiness,” Mira says. Keen to reap the benefits? In Mira’s opinion, following a couple of simple rituals on a regular basis is the best way to begin. Try the following in your daily routine…

Start the morning right

By introducing uplifting rituals in the morning, we can set a positive tone for the day ahead. Ayurvedic tradition recommends starting the day by drinking warm water from a copper jug (which is thought to help balance both your body’s pH and your inner energies), using a tongue scraper after brushing your teeth, and practising ‘oil pulling’. Mira says: “Using a tongue scraper is something I’ve always done – I just didn’t know it was an Ayurvedic practice! It’s a great way to get rid of ama (or toxins).” 68 • happiful.com • September 2020

According to Ayurveda, these toxins build up in the body when we don’t digest our food properly or cleanse fully, or if we have unprocessed emotions storing trauma in our mind. Oil pulling (swishing sesame or coconut oil in your mouth for five to 20 minutes to draw out bacteria from your gums) has a similar effect, and the movement of your facial muscles can also help release stored tension in your jaw, allowing you to feel more relaxed.

Use pranayama

The term pranayama refers to breathing practices which encourage us to focus on the sensations involved with our inhalations and exhalations. “Pranayama balances our minds and brings us into our rest-andrelax mode,” Mira says. “It’s a good way to calm your mind.” One of the easiest exercises involves slowing your breath and lengthening your exhalations, but there are lots of others – breathing through alternate nostrils helps to settle your mind and body, while kapalbhati (which features short powerful exhalations) creates heat, cleanses, and energises.

By introducing uplifting rituals in the morning, we can set a positive tone for the day ahead Try self-massage

Known as abhyanga, self-massage is recommended in Ayurveda as a way to relieve lymphatic congestion, and express self-love. Research has shown that massage can increase levels of our ‘happy hormones’ (such as serotonin and dopamine), and self-massage is no different. Experts recommend using warm oil and massaging this all over your body, leaving it on for 20 minutes or so, and then washing it off. It’s thought to allow toxins to be cleared through the skin. You can also massage specific marma points, depending on what issues you’d like to resolve. In Ayurvedic teachings these are vital energy points within the body which help the flow of prana (or energy) and are similar to the meridian points in acupuncture. There are 108 marma points, and if energy is flowing freely through these, our body is thought to be in optimum balance.

WHAT’S YOUR DOSHA? A key part of Ayurveda is the idea that there are three different energies, or doshas, within us, and we tend to have one or two that are dominant. These energies are vata, pitta and kapha, which relate loosely to air, fire, and earth. You can use the knowledge of how the doshas come together to understand what makes you thrive – what to eat, what exercise suits you, etc. The best way to discover your dosha is to visit an Ayurvedic practitioner, but a brief overview is below. Vata People who have dominant vata energies tend to be excitable, energetic, creative, and flexible. How to stay balanced: Eat warm nourishing meals, maintain a consistent routine, avoid cold and windy conditions, and set aside time for self-care and rest. Pitta People who have dominant pitta energies tend to be intelligent, sharp, and excellent speakers. How to stay balanced: Keep cool, avoid too much spice and excessively hot conditions, try to be considerate and patient. Kapha People who have dominant kapha energies tend to be calm and loving, loyal and patient. How to stay balanced: Include a variety of activities to avoid stagnation, limit heavy foods, and opt for warm, light meals. Mira Manek is a wellness consultant and the author of ‘Prajna – Ayurvedic Rituals for Happiness’. Visit miramanek.com

Eat mindfully

Studies show that eating the right foods can have a dramatic impact on our mental wellbeing. In Ayurveda, eating well and at certain times of the day, is important – and there are plenty of ways you can incorporate Ayurvedic ideas into your mealtimes. “Cook with spices as often as possible. These not only provide extra warmth, but reduce inflammation in the body, and aid digestion,” Mira advises. “Eat your largest meal at lunchtime if you can. Our digestion is in sync with the sun – and so, with the sun at its strongest at lunch, our digestion is also at its strongest. Leave three to four hours between meals, and try not to snack – this means that your digestive fire, or agni, has a chance to reignite before your main meals.”

Enjoy yoga

Mindful movement is an important aspect of Ayurveda, so yoga has a prominent place in its teachings. Both aim to help your body, mind, and spirit thrive, and are rooted in the same vedic tradition. A good way to introduce yoga into your routine is to start with sun

salutations (which sees you move through 12 poses including upward salute, cobra, and downward dog, in a smooth motion). Or you could research how to adjust your regular sessions based on your individual energy pattern.

Meditative moments

The scientific research around the uplifting and stress-relieving effects of meditation is compelling, and as Mira explains, this idea is key to Ayurveda. “Ayurveda is a back-to-basics approach to life, at the centre of which is selfawareness, and meditation helps bring about a sense of self, an understanding of the inner voice, and a connection to nature,” she says. “I like to think of meditation as moments of stillness to help channel into myself.” Set aside a few moments for quiet contemplation, and if you don’t feel ready to sit in silence, just enjoy a short time of reflection with a cup of chai and some calming music. Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully and introduce joy into our days. September 2020 • happiful.com • 69

Forget perfection keep your promises Lara Morgan, co-owner and founder of Scentered, has a head for business and a passion for personal development. As she shares here with Happiful, perfection isn’t possible, but all lessons in life and business are valuable Writing | Lucy Donoughue

top. Inhale. Reset. These are the guiding words used by the aromatherapy brand Scentered. The concept is that we can all adjust our mood, focus, and direction if we take a little time out to smell the roses – or lavender, sage, and citrus. And, in my humble opinion, it really works. The founder of Scentered, Lara Morgan, is deeply passionate about her products, although I suspect she rarely takes a moment for herself to practise what she advises. Our interview takes place over a hands-free phone call as she’s driving her daughters to an event, before heading off to a business forum and, after that, a plethora of work commitments follow. During our chat, I get the strong sense that Lara thrives on the pace she lives and works at. Her favoured method of relaxation, she says, is running with a friend. It’s all about the forward momentum for her.

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In a time when so many of us are contemplating our careers, and a change of lifestyle, prompted or necessitated by the global pandemic, Lara’s experience and drive is incredibly helpful. Here, for anyone who is contemplating starting their own business, Lara shares just a few of the lessons she has learned about the realities of entrepreneurship.

Keep your promises

My father was ex-military, so it made me disciplined and organised, because if I turned up late, I might go without. He always believed that you did what you said you would, so it became important to me to never make a promise I couldn’t keep. My mum was unbelievably people-focused, naturally engaging, and terribly generous with all her time – probably too generous. I inherited a little of both their traits, and I believe that the more you put into life, the more you get out.

Learn the value of money

When I was a child, my parents were gradually going bankrupt, so we were taught that if you looked after the pennies, the pounds looked after themselves. Living with scarcity, and learning to budget as a child, meant that we really valued what we could spend, and where we spent it. That appreciation of money and possessions continued into my business – my first laptop and brick of a mobile were the most precious things I had!

Be honest and be humble

I was very lucky that I arrived in business in the middle of a recession at the age of 23, without any qualifications – so there was no lack of humility, as I had nothing to stake a claim in, other than I was a good salesperson. When my career took off, I employed people who were more talented than me in many areas, and I was very clear where my skills lay so I could drive the growth of

caddie – everyone should be afforded the same level of respect. You can either treat hierarchy as an inappropriate weapon, or you can understand that hierarchy creates barriers and slows success.

Perfection doesn’t exist

the organisation. I depended upon experts for other stuff.

Understand that hierarchy creates barriers

My parents always said it didn’t matter whether you were a dustbin man, the general manager, the president of the golf club, or the

There is no such thing as perfection – it’s human nature to pick holes in somebody else’s work, and to find ways of showing how clever we are. Always remember, you might have done something differently, but it doesn’t mean you would have done it better! You need to have a mindset of ‘let’s just have a go’ in business, and then take customer feedback onboard and adjust. Like a child learning to ride a bike, you may fall off and scrape your knee, but you’ll get back on and learn.

hurt, but the reality was that I was paying the bills, I was growing the business, and that was the sacrifice I chose to make.

Remove guilt

Please take the word “guilt” out of your vernacular! Life isn’t perfect, and there is no continual state of balance – though you can find pockets of calm.

Do stop, to move forward again The “Stop. Inhale. Reset” mantra from Scentered is a powerful one. If you have a determination to lead a really interesting life, then you need to pause and plan it. Taking time to do this can absolutely change your trajectory.

Be a work in progress

Keep working on yourself, writing those plans, and learning. You are your own life-long project.

Tough choices are inevitable

I went to a playground to pick up my children, and the other parents thought I was stepping in for their mum, who was the nanny, because I was there so irregularly. That

Find out more about Scentered at scentered.me. Lara’s book ‘More Balls than Most: Juggle Your Way to Success with Proven Company Shortcuts’, is available on Amazon.

“

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness ROBERT MORLEY

Photography | Hian Oliveira

How social media has shaped the way we eat Food, glorious food – it’s all over Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and the rest. And our insatiable online appetite has changed our mental and physical relationship with what we actually put on our plates Writing | Pixie Turner

ocial media occupies two out of every five minutes we spend online, and boy do we spend a lot of time online. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube… these platforms have become a standard part of our lives – to the point where we can’t imagine life without them. As someone who’s career started on Instagram, I’ve always had a certain curiosity about how we humans navigate and process these online spaces. In particular, I’ve become curious about how social media has changed the way we eat. The answer, it turns out, is a lot. SOCIAL MEDIA ALLOWS US TO COMPARE OUR FOOD What and how much we choose to eat is influenced by those around us, both physically and virtually.

When we eat in large groups, we tend to eat more, which is not in itself a bad thing as the benefits of human connection go beyond what any single food can offer. Seeing picture after picture of delicious food on our phones can provide us with great inspiration – after all, food is one of the most popular categories on Pinterest – but this can easily descend into comparison. Some comparison is normal and human, but the amount of information we’re receiving over the internet is often more than our brains are equipped to handle. There is always someone online whose food is prettier, more popular, more enticing. There is always someone whose stomach is flatter, whose legs are stronger, whose smile is wider. Thin and toned fitness bloggers post ‘What I Eat in a Day’ videos, enabling us to

compare every morsel and make modifications, so we can eat like them to look like them. This is despite the fact that people often edit what they eat and publish online to make themselves look better. This comparison often ends with us feeling inadequate and disheartened. SOCIAL MEDIA ENABLES FOOD EXTREMISM Ever wondered why extreme content gets more clicks and likes online? It turns out there are several reasons. Firstly, social media algorithms are designed to show you more of what you interact with. If you search for ‘how to start running’ and watch a few videos on YouTube, it’ll end up pushing you towards more extreme content with titles like ‘I ran six ultramarathons in six days!’ >>>

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This extreme content grabs our attention, which keeps us online and watching for longer, thereby generating more advertising revenue for the platform. Secondly, we have a tendency to follow people who agree with us, while ignoring those who don’t, which can easily lead to an echochamber effect. Thirdly, we don’t want to be kicked out of a group, so if the group leaders become more extreme, we feel we need to go along with them or risk being ostracised. Rejecting a food group means rejecting the people in that group who we’ve connected with, which makes it much more difficult. When it comes to taking down harmful and extreme online content, social media platforms don’t have a great track record. When pro-anorexia (pro-ana) content began appearing on YouTube many years ago, strict measures were taken to protect viewers. But somewhere down the line, advertising revenue has become more important than viewers’ health. SOCIAL MEDIA ENCOURAGES FOOD SHAMING In 2019, there was a big scandal on YouTube: several vegan YouTubers had been ‘caught out’ eating animal products, and the subsequent backlash from their followers was swift and severe. The criticism and food shaming that has been thrown at these individuals has come almost entirely from other vegans.

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Social media allows us to food shame others much more easily, as we can say anything we like in the heat of the moment, and there are simply too many comments to regulate. We see what someone eats as a key identifier of who they are – just think of how many online quizzes you’ve done that tell you where you should live, or who you should date, based simply on your favourite cheese. We see food as identity, and when people post parts of their lives online, we feel a sense of ownership over their identity. So much so that when it changes, we get angry and lash out. Food shaming is a way for us to target others, and take attention away from our own deficiencies and insecurities. Research shows that we tend to shame others for the very things we’re unsure of about ourselves. This means that our food shaming likely stems from an uncertainty and sense of shame about our own eating, whether that’s because we ‘cheated’ or because we’re afraid of others perceiving us as ‘lazy’ or ‘unmotivated’. Or maybe it’s because we’re afraid of being unwell. Regardless, we desperately want to believe that good things happen to good people, and bad things only happen to bad people, because it means the world has simple rules. So, when someone gets hurt, we ask “What was she wearing?” or when someone has a heart attack we think ,“It must have been something they ate.” Sadly, the world is not that simple, and that makes us deeply

Food shaming is a way for us to target others, and take attention away from our own deficiencies and insecurities

uncomfortable, as it means we can’t have as much control as we would like. CHANGING THE LAW Yes, it’s clear social media can easily have a negative impact on our mental health, with research

linking many platforms to higher risk of depression, anxiety, body image issues, and disordered eating. However, social media can be used to change the world. For example, Gina Martin made upskirting illegal with a powerful hashtag and a willingness to fight.

Jamie Oliver helped introduce the sugar tax, again through a powerful hashtag and a strong online presence. Petitions are debated in parliament, and shares and retweets amplify messages we want our politicians to be aware of. Too much social media

may not be great for us, but when used correctly it really can make a difference. ‘The Insta-Food Diet: How Social Media Has Shaped the Way We Eat’ by Pixie Turner (Head of Zeus, available August 2020).

September 2020 • happiful.com • 75

COLD SESAME SALMON

Serves 2

Power-Hour Lunches

Skip the 3pm slump with three energy-inducing eats Writing | Katie Hoare

hen 3pm hits, do heavy eyelids, foggy headache, and waning concentration sound familiar? You might be struggling with the 3pm slump, when your lunchbox hasn’t quite made the cut to give you that allday energy boost. When we’re pushed for time, we’re often tempted to grab something quick and easy from the supermarket shelves. While

it might be delicious, often, sadly, it isn’t the most nutritious – we’re looking at you, white bread, cookies, and cakes! These tempting goodies are great for an energy injection or simple treat, but they might be leaving us feeling even flatter in the afternoons. So we’ve rustled up three simple, delicious recipes that provide a slow release of energy all afternoon to turn your 12–1 into the power-hour. Fuel up!

Ingredients • 2 tsp low-salt soy sauce • 2 tsp honey • 2 tbsp of sesame oil • 150g fillet of salmon, baked • 1 tsp sesame seeds • 1 boiled egg (optional) • 75g cannellini beans • Handful of leafy greens Method • Mix the soy, honey, and 1 tablespoon of sesame oil together and marinate the salmon. • Leave for 15 minutes, then place the salmon on a baking tray, skin-side down. • Bake for 12 minutes, remove from the oven, and sprinkle with sesame seeds. • Set aside to cool. • If using, place an egg in boiling water, and simmer for 8 minutes. Plunge into cold water, peel and slice. • Drain the cannellini beans, and rinse through. Combine with leafy greens and mix. • Lay the salmon and sliced egg on the bed of salad and beans, and drizzle the remaining sesame oil on top. Yum!

Find a ist nutrition the on near you l app u if Happ

OUR EXPERT SAYS... TURKEY PROTEIN WRAP

Serves 1

Ingredients • ½ avocado, sliced • Chilli flakes, to season • Black pepper, to season • 75g roast turkey breast, sliced • 1 whole wheat wrap • ½ lemon, to drizzle • Handful of spinach • Handful of rocket Method • Halve the avocado and slice into even pieces, season with chili flakes and black pepper. • Arrange the sliced turkey breast and avocado in a line in the centre of the wrap, leaving a small gap at the bottom. • Drizzle with lemon juice. • Place a handful of spinach and peppery rocket on top, and fold the wrap, burrito-style. Tuck in!

THE SWEET VEGAN SARNIE

Serves 1

Ingredients • 50g almond butter • 2 slices of brown rye bread • 1 banana, sliced • Ground cinnamon, to season Method • Spread the nut butter equally on both slices of rye bread. • Slice the banana into equal portions, and place on top of nut butter. • Season with cinnamon, and simply enjoy!

These three delicious power-hour lunches will help you gain the mental edge by staying alert and focused throughout the afternoon. The ‘cold sesame salmon’ is a nutrient-packed summer salad. Protein is essential for growth and repair of the body, and maintaining good health. A 150g salmon fillet provides 30g of protein, which is around half of an adults’ recommended daily amount! Kale is rich in chlorophyll, which has essential fatty acids, helps to renew cells, and supports healthy gut microbiota. It’s an energising food source, so would greatly benefit anyone with fatigue. Avoid reaching for the mid-afternoon biscuits by having a ‘sweet vegan sarnie’. Rye bread is dense and high in fibre, which will help you to feel fuller for longer. It’s a great source of iron, zinc, and magnesium. Almond butter is a great choice as it’s the most nutrient-dense of all nut butters. It’s high in vitamin E, and great for hair, skin, and nails. The turkey in the protein wrap is a great source of the amino acid tryptophan, which builds mood-boosting neurotransmitter serotonin. The vitamin B6 found in the spinach is essential for the conversion of tryptophan into serotonin. Bitter greens like rocket also help with digestion and absorption of the healthy fats, such as those found in avocado. Rebekah Esdale is a mental health nurse and nutritional therapist specialising in women’s mental health and wellbeing.

Photography | Daniel Odame

“

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do BRENÉ BROWN

Happiful reads…

From inspirational trailblazers making history to reimagined classics for kids, we share four upcoming books you won’t want to miss Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Memoirs have a special place in both literature, and in our lives. They have a way of touching us and speaking to us – of reminding us of the true breadth of lived experiences out there – that few other forms of writing or entertainment can. While celebrity autobiographies may start topping the bestseller lists in the run-up to the holiday season, now is the time to read something more unexpected, more impactful, and more inspirational. Haben tells the incredible story of the first deafblind graduate

of Harvard Law School, and her journey from isolation to the world stage. From her parent’s refugee story inspiring her quest for knowledge, to her explorations of the world to find out more about belonging, Haben Girma shares her definition of disability: as an opportunity for innovation. Now using her talents to help advocate for those with disabilities, her journey has taken her from climbing an iceberg in Alaska to helping build schools in Mali, creating a text-to-braille communication system to help

Haben: The Deafblind Woman Who Conquered Harvard Law by Haben Girma Out now

others connect, to meeting President Obama at the White House. Funny, warm, thoughtful and uplifting, Haben’s journey is an unforgettable testament to one woman’s determination to find the key to connection with others and the world around her.

Must reads The Witches by Roald Dahl and Pénélope Bagieu Out 3 September Just in time for Roald Dahl Day, a fresh adaptation of the beloved children’s classic looks set to capture the hearts of a new generation – a graphic novel, illustrated by Eisner Awardwinning artist Pénélope Bagieu. When a young boy and his grandmother come face-to-face with the Grand High Witch, this could be their only chance to stop the witches’ plan to get rid of every child in England.

Out of Office by Fiona Thomas Out 1 October Thinking of ditching the nineto-five to become your own boss? The latest nononsense guide from author and regular Happiful contributor Fiona Thomas looks to answer the questions you’ve been too embarrassed to ask. Fiona delves into why working from home has a positive impact on our mental health, and covers everything you need to consider before taking the leap and going freelance.

From What Is to What If by Rob Hopkins Out now With so much division in the world, it’s hard to deny that in many ways, things look grim. But what if unleashing the power of imagination could help us to create the future we want? Transition movement co-founder Rob Hopkins explains how we have the capability to effect dramatic change, and the power imagination has on our empathy, ability to create better lives, and to create a more positive future.

Take a deep breath

Four ways the resonance breath technique can support your mental health Writing | Ben Douch

here’s an ever-changing yearning for homeostasis within our body. Through our breathing, we search for this balance, engaging two branches of our autonomic nervous system – the sympathetic branch, which speeds things up and readies us for action, and the parasympathetic, which slows things down, and facilitates rest. With every full cycle of our breath we activate these branches, altering the chemistry in our body, our heart rate, the brain’s neural circuits associated with awareness and memory and, ultimately, the emotional state we experience. With the resonance breath technique, we bring intention to this autonomic process, harnessing it for our wellbeing. By slowing down your breathing to around five to six breaths a minute, with an equal inhalation and exhalation, you can positively affect your emotional wellbeing and build resilience to stress. Following these next steps, I’ll take you through the science and biology behind this practice, and just what makes it so powerful. And at the end of this article, with the help of a guided meditation, you’ll have the chance to give it a try yourself. Let’s go.

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1. Slowing down our breath encourages feelings of safety Although the autonomic nervous system functions automatically, it can still be influenced. With conscious breathing, we can guide our mind and body into a particular state. Often, our intention is to slow things down, to find calm and peace of mind. When we slow our inhalation down, through the expansion of our lungs, our sympathetic nervous system eases off a bit, and then on the exhale we get more time for the parasympathetic qualities to register. The message to our body here is: I am safe, I can relax. Good mental health so often begins with a feeling of safety. 2. Breathing like a baby gets you extra parasympathetic bonus points There’s a reason why meditation and yoga teachers, therapists, or anyone else trying to assist with relaxation, recommend breathing through your belly. Abdominal breathing is the most efficient and relaxed way of getting air into our lungs. When we breathe through the upper chest, which is associated with a fight-or-flight response, we send subtle signals

to the sympathetic branch. Breathing like a baby, through our abdomen, activates our parasympathetic branch – the neurotransmitter acetylcholine gets released, blood vessels dilate, and your heart rate reduces. As little ones, this was an automatic process to support sleep and digestion. As adults, we reclaim it for our mental health. 3. Variation in your heartbeat – that’s a good thing! The specific power of the resonance breath is in the affect it can have on our heart rate variability, which is a good indicator of our physical and emotional health. It’s measured through the variation in time between our individual heartbeats. We are looking for high variability – that’s a strong indicator of good health – whereas decreased variability can be an indicator of stress. When your parasympathetic branch is at play, the heartbeat slows down, and there’s more room for the variation. That said, if you experience an irregular heartbeat without stimulation, it might be worth visiting your GP, as this could be a sign of an underlying problem.

The message to our body here is: I am safe, I can relax. Good mental health so often begins with a feeling of safety

GIVE IT A GO I’ve created a guided meditation to take you through this practice – search ‘Ben Douch Counselling and Psychotherapy’ on soundcloud.com. It begins with easing into the body, and connecting with our abdominal breathing. Once settled, a sound will gently guide your breathing in and out

4. Equal in and out breaths, of around five to six a minute, create a resonance frequency Research has shown the frequency and ratio of the breath is key. An optimal number of in-andout breaths is around five to six a minute – but it’ll vary slightly for each individual. If you can get these flowing equally, you’ll gradually encourage your body’s respiratory and circulatory systems to bring your heart rate and breathing into coherence. Through the synchrony of heart and breath, we stimulate these systems at their resonance frequency. And by doing so, we create a healthy resonance state within our physiology, helping to lower blood pressure, reduce cortisol, and change our heart rate. It’s the stimulation of our vagus nerve, the one that wanders between our brain, gut, and many other organs, which plays a big part in this. Through the resonance frequency we increase its tone, which in turns increases our capability to relax after feeling stressed. This isn’t anything particularly spiritual, it’s biology, and a beautiful example of how we can affect our mind through our body, and our body through our mind.

for around 10 minutes. We'll end with a few moments of relaxation where you can absorb the results of your resonance breath practice. Grab a set of earphones, and find a place where you won’t be disturbed for the next 15 minutes. Sitting up, or lying down, put the world away for a moment and press play.

September 2020 • happiful.com • 81

A beginner’s guide to growing your own!

Ever wanted to tend to your own little vegetable patch? Well, there’s never been a better time to start. Here, soil scientist and nutritional gardening expert Dr Nigel Bending shares six top tips to help you dig in Writing | Dr Nigel Bending

reating personal access to green space has been proven to boost self-esteem, reduce anxiety, and even decrease your cortisol levels (the stress hormone) in the body. Whether you’re growing lettuce for your salads, or herbs for your G&Ts, there’s never been a better time to get outside, and get growing. You don’t need a huge allotment, or a big garden to grow your own. Even the most compact space can be turned into a flourishing herb and veg patch with a raised planter – or even a few pots on a windowsill or balcony. ‘Grow your own’ can seem an intimidating phrase, but the journey from plot to plate doesn’t have to be complicated.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

GO FOR VARIETIES YOU CAN’T BUY IN SUPERMARKETS Supermarkets usually pick varieties that survive the rigours of picking, transport, and display – so flavour and nutrients are not the top priority! Why not try veg and herbs that you can’t get in shops? Your crops will be of a much higher quality in both nutrients and taste. Try French and red veined sorrel, which have a zingy, fizzy lemon taste (think sherbet lemon), and are among the most reliable and longlasting crops you can grow. SORT YOUR SEEDS When choosing seeds, avoid those that take too long to reach maturity, such as parsnips which can take up to 180 days. Ideally,

your crops will take no more than 90 days to reach maturity. For beginners, trying to grow your own ‘lettuce bag’ is a great place to start. The seeds are cheap, readily available, and germinate and grow reliably. Good varieties to try include mustard ‘red giant’, mizuna, mizuna ‘red knight’, mustard ‘golden frills’, mustard ‘red frills’, plus spinach ‘red kitten’, and rocket ‘serrata’. The leaves have a peppery taste which runs from mild in ‘mizuna’ to hot (occasionally fiery) in red giant. If these lettuces turn out to be a bit too hot to handle, you may want to opt for something sweeter tasting, in which case black seeded simpson, cocarde, and oakleaf smile are likely to fit the bill.

LIMITED SPACE? NO PROBLEM Try for varieties that have a compact form. Tom Thumb ‘pea’ produces full-size pods, but only grows to 25cm (less than a third of most podding peas). Others include stripy ‘piccolo’ courgettes, yellow ‘summer ball’ courgettes, and ‘pot black’ mini aubergines. You can also harvest crops as ‘baby leaf’ before they reach full size. THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU GROW Growing veg in a shady (cooler) corner can provide great conditions for crops like lettuce, spinach, rocket, radish, and chard – so the situation is far from helpless! Herbs can be quite demanding in their requirements, which makes a raised planter or container an ideal choice. You can also move your container into full or partial shade, and water little or more often, based on the herb you wish to grow. PICK YOUR LEAVES Supermarkets tend to grow lettuce, and cut them as very young leaves. This is quite a wasteful method, and means that plants become rapidly exhausted. A much better way is to allow leaves to reach mid-size before they are picked, in order to let their flavour fully develop. Try to pick leaves individually at the base of the plant, which causes less stress and stimulates new growth. When growing herbs, the key is to pinch out their tips, and pick them regularly – this will prevent the plants becoming ‘leggy’ and flowering. This isn’t disastrous as it will often produce a fantastic seed head (a winner for bees), but will end the production of a new leaf!

ENJOY YOUR GUILT-FREE VEG Even in a small space, you can easily grow the equivalent of two salad bags of lettuce per week, enough for a round of sandwiches for the whole family every day – and it’s an easy win on all the vitamin C you need. There is something fulfilling in taking ‘time-out’, picking a colander of lettuce at the beginning of each day, and appreciating the simplicity of the exchange of effort for reward. What’s more, at the end of the year you’ll have saved at least 104 currently ‘not recyclable’ cellophane packets from going to landfill – to which more than 810,000 tonnes of plastic containing ‘fresh produce’ goes every year.

Even in a small space, you can easily grow the equivalent of two salad bags of lettuce per week Dr Nigel Bending is a soil scientist, nutritional gardening expert, and the creator of Ergrownomics selfwatering raised planters. Visit ergrownomics.co.uk

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

September

Taking care of yourself will allow you to give more to others. Discover the app that makes you aware of your emotions, listen to the podcast unlocking the key to confidence, and find the words that empower you most

PUT ON A SHOW Coping Well During Covid

Life has been far from normal over the past few months, and with uncertainty comes new challenges. This series of NHS-led webinars aims to help you cope with the impact of Covid-19, by tackling topics such as anxiety, low mood, and sleep. (Watch the webinars at thriveldn.co.uk)

PAGE-TURNERS Speedy BOSH! Over 100 Quick and Easy Plant-Based Meals in 30 Minutes Going meat-free for just one day a week can be a great way to add more nutrients into your diet, while also protecting the planet. Following on from their best-seller How To Live Vegan, BOSH! are back with more than 100 plantbased dishes you can get on the table in 30 minutes or less. (Out 17 Sep, HQ, £22)

OUT AND ABOUT At The Drive In

With lockdown putting a stop to cinema visits, many of us have been missing the big screen, but an outdoor cinema could be the perfect way to get out of the house and enjoy movie magic, while sticking to social distancing. At The Drive In will be touring the UK until October, featuring classic 80s movies, roller waiters, and silent car discos, so we can all enjoy some old school entertainment. (Find out what’s on at atthedrive.in) 84 • happiful.com • September 2020

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Calmer You Podcast’

Hypnotherapist, coach, and author Chloe Brotheridge guides us through how to quiet our inner critic, and move forward with confidence, in this weekly podcast. In each episode, Chloe talks to special guests about how we can conquer our anxieties, and be our happiest self. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

PLUGGED-IN

Dani DiPirro

DC-based artist Dani DiPirro shares empowering and thought-provoking artwork, to remind us all that we are enough, just as we are. Follow Dani for regular self-care inspiration, and find the perfect pick-me-up to share with a friend in need. (Follow @positivelypresent on Instagram)

TECH TIP-OFFS Reflectly: Self-Care Journal

Dani DiPirro | Instagram: @positivelypresent, Drive in | Instagram: @atthedriveincinema, Queer Eye | Instagram: @queereye

Reflectly is a personal journal that helps you bring more kindness into your everyday life. Add moments throughout your day to become more aware of how you’re feeling, and recognise times when you need a little extra self-care. Each day you’ll get a new morning motivation to help keep you on track. (Download from the App Store and Google Play)

World Suicide Prevention Day

Suicide can be a difficult subject to talk about, but that doesn’t mean it’s something we should avoid. World Suicide Prevention Day aims to help start conversations, raise awareness of suicide prevention, and show that recovery is possible. Talking can save lives. (10 September, get involved at rethink.org)

SQUARE EYES Queer Eye

Follow the “Fab Five” as they carry out life-changing makeovers for the people who have not been able to make time for themselves. Bobby, Tan, Antoni, Karamo, and Jonathan help people make lasting changes to all aspects of their lives, and embrace every beautiful part of themselves. Don’t forget the tissues! (Available on Netflix)

THE CONVERSATION

GET GOING

Yoga With Adriene

Practising yoga can be a great alternative to a fast-paced workout, while giving you the opportunity to clear your mind. Adriene Mishler is making yoga accessible, by sharing yoga tutorials for people from all over the world, of all shapes and sizes. (Search Yoga With Adriene on youtube.com)

TREAT YOURSELF Mantra Jewellery necklaces

Words have the power to change our mood, and our mindset. Mantra Jewellery allows you to find the phrases that inspire you, and carry them with you wherever you go. Hold on to your necklace for a few mindful moments throughout the day, and bring its message to mind. (Prices start at £20, view the full range at mantrajewellery.co.uk) Win a Mantra Jewellery Necklace! For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: Which famous book does this quote originate from: “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” a) Les Miserables b) Pride and Prejudice c) Jane Eyre Competition closes 17 September. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

WIN!

Photography | Ba Ba

“

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

TRUE LIFE

The breakthrough after my breakdown Lifesaving surgery at four months old led Flo to a mental breakdown when she was just eight, and resulted in a childhood defined by mental health. As a teenager, Flo had the lightbulb moment to stop letting her mental illnesses define her, and started sharing her story to empower and inspire others Writing | Flo Sharman

hile my birth was pretty straightforward, when I was four months old everything changed. I stopped breathing on many occasions, and my incredible mother had to resuscitate me several times – including on the day of my christening. I needed a life-saving operation to remove parts of my stomach to treat serious acid reflux, which was affecting my ability to breathe, and I had to stay in hospital for months. I had slow development, and remember needing a special chair and shoes, but apart from that things

were looking up – we all thought that once life had dealt me that big, old card, surely I wouldn’t have to deal with another one. I really wish that was the case, but unfortunately it wasn’t. I remember the night that my life changed forever as if it was yesterday. This is my reminder to you all to cherish everything you have, and live in the moment, because you really don’t know what’s around the corner. My mental breakdown didn’t come gradually, it happened pretty much overnight, when I was just eight years old – and for

me it came out as physical illness symptoms, not those of a classic mental breakdown. I woke up in the middle of the night in May 2008 blind, paralysed, hallucinating, my lip had dropped, I couldn’t talk, I was retching, and had a headache. I was rushed to hospital and they thought that I had a bleed on the brain or a brain infection, but how wrong they were. I stayed in overnight and was discharged the next morning with doctors saying it was a fluke, and would never happen again. But in 2017 I found out that the reason I had my mental breakdown, and

the reason it showed itself in this way, is due to my traumatic experience in hospital during the early parts of my life, and this is the main root cause of my mental illnesses – PTSD, OCD, depression, and panic attacks. I truly believe that if, at the time of my mental breakdown in 2008, more research had been done to find the links between mental health breakdowns due to trauma as a baby, my journey would have been very different. That is why I’m so proud to be an ambassador for MQ, who are the UK’s leading mental health research charity. >>> September 2020 • happiful.com • 87

I truly believe that if, at the time of my mental breakdown in 2008, more research had been done to find the links between mental health breakdowns due to trauma as a baby, my journey would have been very different I know how valuable research is, and how beneficial it would have been for me. I went from being an eight-year-old girl who had everything to look forward to in life, to an eight-yearold terrified of absolutely everything, not wanting to live, thinking society was better off without me, nearly sectioned but my mother fought for this not to happen, and I’m forever grateful she did. My childhood was taken away from me in a matter of moments, as I was excluded from my primary school due to my mental health, as they had no training or understanding of how to deal with someone in a mental health crisis. 88 • happiful.com • September 2020

To this day, I still get the symptoms that happened on the night that my life changed forever. The blindness, pins and needles, and headaches; these attacks happen around four or five times a year, and I don’t know when they are coming, but I get on with my life. I don’t let it define me, just like I don’t let my mental illnesses define me. I now know I’m on a lifelong mental health journey, and I’m now not ashamed or embarrassed about that – in fact I’m incredibly proud, as it’s made me. I just wish I had found this out so much sooner than 2017! But I bet you can all guess why it took me 10 years to not feel ashamed of experiencing mental

Follow Flo on Instagram @flosharman, and find out more about MQ at mqmentalhealth.org

illness – the stigma, of course. I hope in my lifetime this stigma ends. Now you’re probably all wondering how I overcame this mighty hurdle the world decided to throw me. It has not been easy, and there have been so many things that I have had to get through and continue to battle to this day, but what I can say is that I am beyond proud of the person I’ve become. I truly believe that everything I’ve been through has shaped the

person I am today. Life is a rollercoaster, and it’s one we have to ride – the good and the bad. In the early days of my mental health crisis, it was all lows and no highs. Now it’s an even balance, and I know the bad times make the great times even greater. The key things that have got me to where I am today, and continue to help me on my lifelong mental health journey, are my amazing support network that loves me for who I am and never

There have been so many things that I have had to get through, but what I can say is that I am beyond proud of the person I’ve become gives up on me; fitness, which has been a huge part of my recovery and is my happy place, my me-time, and the time I learn how strong I am, mentally and physically. The great outdoors has always been a huge passion of mine, and I’m so grateful that I grew up in the countryside. It’s so good for your mental wellbeing, and having my dogs and horses in my bleakest moments were the only things that kept me fighting, because I knew they needed me, and they never judged me. They loved me for who I was – labels and all! There is no magic cure for mental illness, but maybe one day, with MQ’s incredible work, there will be. I did have therapy

and CBT on countless occasions, but for me it didn’t work, while for others it does wonders. This just shows we’re all individuals, and we need to be treated as such. I’ve been on antidepressants for 12 years, and I don’t know what I would be like without them, but this is just one very small part of the journey. I want to point out that taking medication for your mental health is no different from taking it for your physical health; the taboo has to go. I’m proud to say that I’m a mental health sufferer, and will never be ashamed of who it’s made me. I now know the importance of being your true self, and that you should never

change for anybody. Those that you need in your life love you for you, your flaws and all – never forget that. If you’re having a rough time at this moment, and can’t see light through the darkness, let me tell you the light will start to shine. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but what I can tell you is it really is worth it, and you really do have the strength to get through this. Never forget that seeking help and speaking out isn’t a failure or weakness, it’s the complete opposite – it’s true bravery. “Sunsets are proof that no matter what happens, everything can end beautifully.” – Kristen Butler.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Flo’s inspirational story highlights the strong connection between our physical and mental health, and how they are inextricably linked. Thankfully, Flo was able to get the support she needed to understand this and it’s had a profound impact on her wellbeing. The strength that Flo has developed resonates through her words, and it’s wonderful to see how she is leading the way with challenging the stigma, cultivating selflove, and sharing her positive energy. Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

September 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Embracing your natural looks – and loving it.

Being on a first-name basis with your local Deliveroo driver. We’ve all gotta eat.

Putting yourself, and your needs, first. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Starting every email or Whatsapp reply with: “Sorry I’ve not got back to you sooner…”

Spending more on online shopping each week than you do on food.

Things to not feel guilty about this month… Not coming out of lockdown with a huge life transformation – you don’t owe anybody a new passion for fitness, the draft of your first novel, or a revolutionary business plan.

Feeling socially awkward when re-entering the world. Do you smile behind a mask?

Binge-watching the latest Netflix hit to drop in less than 48 hours from its release.

Turning down a social invitation to spend some quality time with yourself.

Wearing loungewear for so long you’re not even sure where your jeans are anymore.

UPLIFTING NEWS IN YOUR HANDS

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