Happiful September 2021

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

It's about time

Could journeying through your past help form a better future?

In it together

What really happens at group therapy?

PERSONALITY TESTS | SICK-DAY GUILT | THE ZINE SCENE

SEPT 2021 £5.99

DEBUNKED 8 MYTHS ABOUT SELF-HARM

EVERYDAY ROMANCE Find joy in the simple things

A trip down memory lane I’ve always been fascinated by the ways that every experience we’ve been through, the good and the bad, come together to create the people we are today.

Maybe the child who was always picked last for the sports team grew up determined to make others feel welcomed and wanted. The one obsessed with music now effortlessly tunes-in to moods and emotions, another who faced tragedy holds those they love a little closer, and the friend who always left the group belly laughing harnesses that confidence to drive them towards their dreams.

In a fascinating area of psychological study, researchers consistently trace the ways that early experiences shape the people we become, with biological, sociological, and psychological influences gradually unfolding over the course of a lifetime (for more on that, head to p45 where we explore personality tests and how to use them). On a holistic level, looking back can help us reconnect with our hopes and dreams, as well as examine the challenges we’ve been through, and the hurt we might still be holding on to.

On p92, we share practical activities to help you plot, and reflect on, your life. And on p16, we look at the peaks and troughs of nostalgia, questioning whether this psychological phenomenon helps or hinders our mental health, and asking what happens when our lives don’t follow the trajectory we once longed for.

The past can stir up bittersweet feelings, which muddy the waters when it comes to the topic of nostalgia. We can just as easily get caught in remorse as we can in relish. But, recently, I was given some advice that completely changed my relationship with the past: “You can’t blame yourself for not knowing back then what you know now.”

Something clicked inside me, and with that, the shame, guilt, disappointment, hurt, frustration, and regret that so often builds up over a lifetime, didn’t vanish – anyone who’s been through anything knows it’s never that simple – but felt manageable.

The affirmation worked because it’s not particularly philosophical, it doesn’t require self-belief, hope, or even any real reflection.

It’s just a fact, it’s just the truth.

This month, I pass this wisdom on to you. And as you journey through these pages, I hope they support, touch, entertain, and enrich you – but, most of all, I hope they inspire you to treat yourself with the kindness you deserve, because it’s about time.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq I | @happiful_magazine

KATHRYN WHEELER GUEST EDITOR

16

Memory lane 16 Right on time

Can harnessing a sense of nostalgia benefit our mental wellbeing?

22 Child’s play

Start embracing your inner child to excel at work

70 Piecing it together

We explore the ways jigsaw puzzles support our mental health

89 The book of life

Meet the photographer who captured 100 people aged 0–100

92 Plot your course

Creative activities to help you trace, and reflect on, your life

Relationships 25 The big chat

How to tell your partner you want to begin working with a counsellor

Wellbeing 14 What is media gaslighting?

33 Mindful activities for couples Learn to spot the signs of this 45 Who am I?

What do personality tests show us?

85 Keepin’ it in the family

sinister form of manipulation

52

20 Soothe strong emotions Tap into these handy tips

How to navigate difficult family relationships

34 Orthorexia explained

Food & health

Eight misconceptions debunked

58 The taste of childhood

Overcome the fear of calling in sick

32 September nature watch

72 Suicide awareness

66 Feel-good throw-back

Tasty, nutritious recipes to transport you back in time

74 PCOS: 10 things to know

Get to the core of this commonly misunderstood condition

55 Self-harm myths 67 Sick-day guilt

What you need to know

78 Strength in numbers

What to expect from group therapy

Try this at home

84 De-escalate conflict 98 This month’s kindness goals

85

42

Culture 8 Good news

This month’s uplifting stories

13 The wellbeing wrap 49 Unmissable reads 64 Things to do in September

*

Expert review

89

Positive pointers 28 Alternative Limb Project

Meet the woman behind the unique and stunning prosthetics

40 Eco inspiration 42 Have you zine?

It’s your turn to create a miniature publication to be proud of

50 Everyday romance 52 The power of laughter We tried laughter yoga

80 Take pride in achievements

22

True stories 37 Jason: opening up

He felt pressure to keep it all inside, until everything changed

61 Sheena: imperfectly me

Self-doubt ruled her life, until she stepped into the next phase

95 Victoria: coming through Thanks to her support system, Victoria rediscovered the light

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The experience of our past has a huge impact on who we are today. The past is often explored in therapy to allow people to work through their experience – and, to a degree, liberate them from it. However, there can be benefits to exploring the past.

For support with maintaining our wellbeing and stability – head over to p16. Our experiences in the past often inform the ‘self’ in the present.

By connecting with the past and making sense of it, you unlock the ability to determine ‘who you are’ in the moment.

This is very powerful, and worth investing your time and energy into as, ultimately, it enables you greater control.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Our team

Expert Panel Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

EDITORIAL Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor Rebecca Thair | Editor Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant

NIKKI EMERTON

JEREMY SACHS

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

NLP Mstr Clin HDip IEMTDip CBTDip ANLP

BA Hons Dip Couns

Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer

Nikki is an NLP master practitioner, life coach, and hypnotherapist.

Jeremy is an integrative psychotherapist who specialises in trauma.

Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor

BERNADETTE PADFIELD

SASHA PAUL

Dip MBACP

Dip NNT NLP EFT CNHC NCFED

Bernadette is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor.

Sasha is a nutritional therapist and eating disorder recovery coach.

Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

GRAEME ORR

RANIA SALMAN

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

BSc (Hons) PgDip MBDA

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

Rania is a nutritionist specialising in fertility and chronic conditions.

NAOMI WATKINS-LIGUDZINSKA

RACHEL COFFEY

Naomi is a psychotherapist and WCMT Churchill Fellow for suicide prevention.

Rachel is a life coach, encouraging confidence.

BSc (Hons) CF Dip Cert MBACP MACAMH

BA MA NLP Mstr

Tamyln Izzett | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Rosie Cappuccino, Fiona Thomas, Caroline Butterwick, Gabby Willis, Sarah Young, Rania Salman, Katie Conibear, Jenna Farmer, Jason Wood, Victoria Hennison, Sheena Tanna-Shah

SPECIAL THANKS

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Nikki Emerton, Jeremy Sachs, Bernadette Padfield, Sasha Paul, Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska, Rachel Larkin, Nicola Ockwell, Denise Bosque, Pam Custers, Dee Johnson, Clare Percival

DENISE BOSQUE

PAM CUSTERS

D.Hyp MBSCH NLPMP EMDR LAR

BA MA BACP

Denise is a life coach, hypnotherapist, and mindfulness teacher.

Pam is a counsellor who specialises in supporting relationships that thrive.

RACHEL LARKIN

NICOLA OCKWELL

BSc(hons) MSc mBANT CNHC

PGDip BACP

Rachel is a Nutritional Therapist and NLP practitioner.

Nicola is a counsellor with experience working with groups.

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

CLARE PERCIVAL

DEE JOHNSON

NLP PTLLS EMCC

Pract.Dip CBT MRSPH MBACP MNCS

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Clare is a life and executive function coach, empowering her clients.

Dee Johnson is a counsellor interested in working with individuals and groups.

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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SUPPORT FOR SELF-HARM Find support for self-harm, and for families and friends of those who self-harm, at harmless.org.uk

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​​INFORMATION AND SUPPORT FOR PCOS Discover a supportive community and more information about PCOS by visiting verity-pcos.org.uk

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KIDS

Mindfulness could be key to helping kids drift off

The Uplift

Sleep is important for all of us, but for children, it truly is the fuel that powers their curiosity, concentration, and playfulness – and a new study from the Stanford University School of Medicine has discovered a key way kids can boost their shut-eye.

A group of ‘at-risk’ children from low-income families took part in a mindfulness curriculum at school.

This taught them how to relax and manage stress by using mindfulness techniques, without specifically instructing them on how to get more sleep. Teachers taught the class about stress, how to spot it, and techniques on how to help keep it under control.

Following the lessons, researchers found that, on average, the children slept 74 minutes more per night than they had before taking part.

Although the findings can be applied to kids from all backgrounds, working specifically with ‘at-risk’ children meant that researchers were able to target what was keeping them up at night, with principal investigator Victor Carrión highlighting how much more challenging it is to relax when you don’t feel safe.

Moving forward, the study shows that when we learn to identify the signs of stress, we can start to tackle it with deliberate actions – and how a curriculum incorporating simple mindfulness techniques could have a much larger impact than first thought.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ENVIRONMENT

Students create a buzz with bee-friendly seed launcher A group of student designers are sowing the seed of hope for bees, as they tackle extinction threats with their awardwinning seed launcher, Sow Beautiful.

The compact, biodegradablepackaged creation distributes wildflower seeds effortlessly, to provide a source of pollen for the declining bee population.

Four Heckmondwike Grammar School students are behind the innovative device, which was awarded first place in the annual Design Ventura awards run by the Design Museum, London. Tasked with creating a product that

enhances everyday life, theirs channels both sustainability and ecological development.

The programme, which received more than 15,600 entries this year, seeks to shine a light on young talent, encouraging participants to gain real design experience and enterprise skills.

Yinka Ilori – an artist, designer, and Design Ventura 2020 brief setter – is a keen supporter of the seed launcher, saying: “The young people behind me, they are the future of the industry, the future of design.

We need to nurture that talent and support and encourage those young people. Let them know that you can make a career out of design.”

The seed launcher will be available to buy in the museum shop, with proceeds going to a charity of the students’ choice. While there’s still work to be done to reverse the decline in bees, it just goes to show that the smallest of creations can sprout a big change.

Writing | Katie Hoare

COMMUNITY

Hairdressers and beauticians offered domestic abuse training Hairdressers and beauticians play an important role in our communities and, in line with news that the Office for National Statistics recorded a 7% rise in domestic abuse offences during lockdown, a new programme aiming to equip stylists with the skills to spot the signs of abuse is launching in UK and Irish salons.

Founded in Nashville in 2017, by salon owner and survivor of domestic violence Susanne Post, the Shear Haven education programme consists of an online

training session, followed by a quiz and certificate – and, to date, more than 25,000 beauty professionals from around the world have been trained.

Tapping into the unique role those in the beauty industry play in the lives of their clients, the training hopes to equip participants with the knowledge to recognise the signs of domestic violence, the skills to navigate conversations with those who may be in danger, and signposting tools to help them get to safety.

With the training highlighting the role community can play in supporting individuals in need, and the programme seeing success elsewhere in the world, salon business expert Liz McKeon has been appointed UK and Ireland Ambassador, with training and local-specific helplines available via her website. It shows how, with the right resources, professionals have the ability to step in to make a real difference.

Head to lizmckeon.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | September 2021 | 9

PETS

Did lockdown make cats more affectionate?

For many cat owners, cuddling up with furry friends helped them cope during the pandemic. But how has this affected our companions?

In the past year, more of us stayed home than ever before, and pets of all types were thrown by the change in routine. A new study from the Universities of York and Lincoln confirms this, with results noting that 65% of pet owners saw a change in their pets’ behaviour during the first lockdown in 2020.

Nearly 36% of cat owners reported that their feline friends were more affectionate. And most owners noted that changes in behaviour were positive, with 10—15% saying their pets were more playful and 20-30% noting that they seemed more relaxed.

Scientists suspect the change in cats specifically being more affectionate is likely due to humans seeking extra contact, and their cats seeking more… treats.

Even though the affection may be driven more by a cat’s belly than its heart, the benefits of contact with our pets can’t be denied. In a 2019 survey by Cats Protection, nine out of 10 cat owners said owning a cat helps their mental health.

Lockdown restrictions may be lifting, but it’s safe to say pet cuddles are always going to be the cat’s pyjamas.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

happiful.com | September 2021 | 11

Take 5

Thinking caps at the ready, it’s time for this month’s brain teasers

Dot-to-dot

Connect the numbers from 1–111 to reveal a throw-back image 3

1 36 34

2

37

7

8

5

6

9

13

10

15

16 19

20

14

17 18

21

22 23 25

24

41 84

32

83

80 79 82 81 111

85

39 73 74 75 72 40 71

110 109 108

86

107

87 88 89

93 94

95 96 97 98

42

30

Emojinary

99

70

45 77

46

78

44 47

27

48

69

50

105

67

51

102 101 100

26

49

68

103

91 92

76

106 104

90

31

12

11

35

38

33

4

52

66

53

65

54

64 63

55 62

61

60

59 58

57

56 43

29

28

Decipher the nostalgic film and TV shows represented with emojis

How did you do? Sea rch 'freebies ' at shop.ha ppiful.co m to find th e answe r s, and mor e!

The

wellbeing wrap Gender neutral emojis are coming in 2022, along with multiracial handshakes

Wolf-whistling and catcalls could be made crimes under proposals for new laws against public sexual harassment

Stub it out

Five councils in England are kicking smoking to the curb, in support of outdoor eating culture. These authorities banned smoking on stretches of pavements where establishments have outdoor tables, getting ahead of the curve with the UK government’s bid to become smoke-free by 2030.

Musician Pink offered to pay the fines for the entire Norwegian women’s beach handball team, after they were penalised for breaking uniform rules which dictate that female athletes must wear bikini bottoms, while the men’s team are able to wear shorts.

Working it out

Japan has hired its first Minister for Loneliness to tackle its mental health crisis and rising suicide rates

Monthly Google searches related to ‘hayfever’ increased 220% in the past 5 years

A bride recreated her wedding at a care home in Bridgend for her nan who couldn’t attend the big day

Supporting accessibility with exercise, deaf online fitness instructor India Morse recently created a series of deaf-friendly videos alongside Joe Wicks, which now feature on The Body Coach YouTube channel. India, who runs You Lean Me Up, is passionate about opening up exercise to anyone who wants to be involved. What a champ!

The greatest gift

Donating an organ is a huge life decision, and a recent study has investigated the mental impact of this – with some heart – warming news. Published in the British Journal of Health Psychology, the study found that donating a kidney to a stranger had a positive impact on mental wellbeing, with participants reporting feeling that they’d contributed to society, and experienced positive emotions.

A new project looks to provide sustainable shelter for homeless people in London, as the Salvation Army, Citizens UK, and Hill Group team up to build 200 ‘pod homes’ over the next five years. Fully-furnished pods will be on pockets of unused land across the city, suitable for one person, and highly efficient, expected to cost just £5 per week to run. Plus, the total build is predicted to come in under £50,000!

Grow with it

A farmer from Western Australia is doing something incredible to support mental health, following a friend taking his own life. Sam Burgess is donating all profits from 60 hectares of his crop to mental health charities for the rest of his farming career. Now that’s the root of kindness.

Time to shell out

In a landmark case, a court in the Netherlands has ruled that oil company Shell is responsible for its own and suppliers’ CO2 emissions, and must cut these by 45% by 2030! This is the first time a company has been legally required to comply with the Paris climate accords, and found liable for its impact on climate change – a big win for eco-warriors around the world.

Nicola Coyle, a retired nurse from Nottinghamshire, has set up The Grey Muzzle Canine Hospice, to take care of old, abandoned, terminally ill, or stray dogs in their final days.

Bringing the animals into her home, Nicola tries to ensure their tails keep wagging, as they get to live out their days to the fullest.

Independence day A disabled dad has been able to take his newborn son for a walk, thanks to his wife Chelsie, a teacher, and a group of her students from Maryland, USA. Together, they designed the WheeStroll – a special child seat which can attach to a wheelchair, providing much more independence for Jeremy!

What is media gaslighting?

Are we victims of this sinister form of manipulation? With the help of a life coach, we explore how to spot and stamp out media gaslighting Writing | Katie Hoare Illustrating | Rosan Magar

H

ave you ever found yourself confused by guidance from a newspaper? Listened to a politician continuously deny a fact when science says otherwise? Read a news story with scary health facts that don’t add up elsewhere?

This type of reporting actually has a name: media gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a person’s mind, making them question their own reality, memory, or beliefs. A gaslighter aims to gain control over another person, group, or nation by trying to convince them they’re wrong, reinforcing their preferred narrative by repetition, regardless of fact.

“The term is derived from the play Gaslight (1938) which features a husband’s systematic psychological manipulation of his wife,” says Nikki Emerton, a life coach and hypnotherapist.

14 | September 2021 | happiful.com

“This eventually leads to her questioning her own sanity.”

So how does this translate to the media? “In media and societal terms, ‘gaslighting’ may be seen as propaganda, indoctrination, or mass brainwashing. Telling people what to think to fit in. Creating a ‘gang culture’ so that if you want to ‘fit in’ and be part of the gang, you must think a certain way, no matter how inaccurate it is,” Nikki explains.

It isn’t just about spreading misinformation, but extends to the deliberate act of attempting to rewrite the narrative to control public opinion, and refusing to acknowledge information that tarnishes said narrative.

Classic examples of media gaslighting include the portrayal of vulnerable women. When Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan came into the limelight, social media didn’t exist, they didn’t get to choose how they wanted to present to the world. The paparazzi made the choice for them, and the media ran with that persona.

For Britney, that persona involved a sexualised childhood, vilification when she embraced that sexualisation, and her public mental health deterioration. Lindsay was heralded as a child star before being blacklisted by Hollywood, as we witnessed her multiple mugshots being bandied around. In other words, their only narrative was one of damaged goods.

Doctors and scientists are often also at the mercy of media gaslighting when they offer an alternative opinion or fact that doesn’t fit with mainstream media.

They’re vilified, dismissed as ‘radical’, and even their level of stability comes into question.

So with never-ending scope to distribute ‘fake news’, how do you sort fact from fiction?

How to spot gaslighting in the media Nikki shares five ways you can identify when the media is using gaslighting techniques to tell the desired narrative...

wellbeing

1. You can’t crossreference the facts Often, you may hear a report and go online to source further information. If you find it is difficult to attain additional or unbiased facts about it, gaslighting tactics could be at play.

2. Information is vague, unclear, or contradictory The facts you’ve read often don’t add up, leaving you questioning what the actual message is and, importantly, what the desired outcome of the piece was. How did you expect to feel upon Nikki shares four examples of how media gaslighting tries to maintain control: • Raising anxiety levels, leading to a desire to follow a person(s) in authority.

• Repetition brings retention. Information repeated often enough is likely to be adopted as truth.

• Shutting down oppositional views or overpowering them with one-sided views.

• Editing media to portray a predetermined public image that is inaccurate.

reading the headline vs how you feel now? Often it’s confused, and even fearful.

3. Information is altered Have you ever read a story, gone back to show a friend a few days later, and the information is not as you remember? Did you question if you had read it correctly? With media gaslighting, information is changed and altered as time goes by without factual evidence to support it, or signposts to note the changes.

4. A significant bias is present What is reported is published for positive gains biased towards an individual, group, or organisation, and not the bigger picture. This is often seen in politics, notably around elections.

5. You’re urged to support the story on social media When you read a story on social media, are you instantly

bombarded with messages asking you to ‘show your support’ by sharing the piece? Media gaslighting often calls on readers to advocate for their narratives; asking you to share their story suggesting you have subscribed to an official recommendation, that may or may not be true.

Whether you’re privy to the gossip columns or it’s strictly business only, we hope these tips will put media gaslighting on your radar, and support you to question the unquestionable.

Nikki Emerton is an NLP master practitioner, life coach, and hypnotherapist specialising in helping people recover from controlling relationships so that they can rebuild their lives. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk

For old time’s sake

Join us as we step back in time and explore how harnessing a sense of nostalgia can support our wellbeing Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

I

t’s in the scent of the perfume your mum used to wear, it’s mixed in with the taste of your favourite homemade meal, it sounds like that track that could be heard blaring from your teenage bedroom, and it looks like the skyline from the personal pilgrimages you’ve made throughout your life. Nostalgia creeps up on us, stirring us emotionally, reminding us of the places that we’ve been, and of the journey still ahead of us.

Each of us will experience it in different ways, but the science is there to support this phenomenon’s powerful force, for all of us. More than a decade of research from the University of Southampton has shown that nostalgia can counteract

16 | September 2021 | happiful.com

loneliness, boredom, and anxiety, as well as make us more generous to strangers. It can improve our relationships and, incredibly, can even make us feel physically warmer.

And, this past year, it appears we’ve been pondering the past more than ever. Spotify saw a 54% rise in listeners making nostalgic playlists, and a Radio Times survey found that 64% of respondents said they’d rewatched a series in lockdown, with 43% watching nostalgic shows for comfort.

So, what is it about journeying back in time that is so soothing, and how can we manage this bittersweet emotion when the past isn’t always a perfect picture?

A trip down memory lane

From the start of lockdown, each Sunday evening, Father Lee Taylor – Vicar of Llangollen, in Wales – could be found sitting at his piano, ready for a weekly livestream, aptly named ‘An evening of pure nostalgia’. In a regular singalong enjoyed by people across the world, Father Taylor performed hymns from Sunday school, Victorian music hall songs, and the songs that “people remember hearing while sitting on grandma’s knee”.

“At the beginning of the pandemic, there was much fear and uncertainty about the future,” Father Taylor says, as he reflects on those early days.

“Many people, especially the elderly and vulnerable, felt they

memory lane

were being plunged into the darkness of isolation, and cut off from the world. We all need an anchor to give us a sense of stability and security during turbulent times.”

For him, music was that anchor.

“It is incredibly evocative, and can transport us back to happier and more certain times. It can trigger personal memories, and it

can help us recall people, places, and events from our past– the memories can come flooding back to us in an instant.”

It’s this particular power that Father Taylor believes is the reason why his livestreams took off, each one garnering comments such as, “This song means so much to me. It has taken me back to my childhood,” >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 17

“This has brought back so many wonderful memories of my grandparents”, “I haven’t sung this for many years”.

Reminiscent of studies which found that music has the ability to unlock memories in dementia patients in ways that no other form of communication quite can, Father Taylor’s livestreams tapped into this unique force, transporting singers on a journey through time.

“I think people respond well to nostalgia, especially through musical memories, because it makes us feel safe and grounded, giving a strong sense of identity and our formation as we look back to our younger years,” he explains. “It gives us that warm and cosy feeling of being embraced by a long-lost friend.

It can also bind us together with others who either share our tastes in music, or are of the same generation as us.”

The story so far

Beyond the specific things that trigger a fond sense of nostalgia – such as music, photos, and foods, to name but a few – reflecting on our personal history can help us to develop better insight into the things that drive us, as well as the hopes and dreams that we still have for the future.

It’s something Helen Hart sees first-hand in her role at memoir writing service SilverWood Books.

“The past is such a personal and important aspect of our lives; it shapes our present, 18 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Father Lee Taylor

It makes us feel safe and grounded, giving a strong sense of identity and our formation as we look back to our younger years allowing us to identify who we are and how we can be the best version of ourselves,” she explains. “Deliberately reflecting on the past can stir up all kinds of emotions, but it can be healing. Many SilverWood authors creating a memoir enjoy working through past events, reliving them or sorting through memories as they decide how to express what they feel on the page – and that can help them move forward in their lives.”

Helen describes how, for some people, writing a memoir can be like pressing the reset button on their lives, prompting them to dig deep into their needs and desires.

With the help of chronological formats, we might uncover a newfound appreciation for the journeys we have been

on, for the challenges we have overcome throughout our lives, the things that we have lived through that, in the end, made us stronger, more compassionate, and fully rounded people. We can track our values systems that guide us forward, and in moments where we feel a bit lost, we can retune into these guiding principles that have always been with us.

Don’t look back in anger

Of course, not every journey is straightforward, and we haven’t always viewed the experience of nostalgia in such a fond light. As counsellor Jeremy Sachs points out when considering this point, in 17th century Switzerland, nostalgia was treated with opium,

memory lane

leeches, and a prescribed walk in the alps, due to its links to melancholy and depression.

Today, if you’re about to go on a trip down memory lane, Jeremy recommends doing so with a degree of caution.

“Nostalgia looks to the past, often simplifying it and looking at it through rose-tinted glasses.

This in itself is not a bad thing, however people can get stuck looking back to their past,” Jeremy explains. “This often happens when the pain of what is happening in the present is too overwhelming. This doesn’t mean to say the past was better – rather that nostalgia creates a false, but reassuring, narrative that it was.”

As an example, Jeremy points to how, in early 2020, there was a tendency to compare the Covid-19 crisis to the Blitz.

“In truth, Covid-19 is nothing like the Blitz,” he says. “However, this past experience existed in our societal consciousness (even if we don’t have lived experience of it), and this comparison made sense of something new.”

He explains how this same concept can work on an individual level too: reliving times from our past can help us confirm our idea of ourselves and our connections, and that in turn can make us feel safe and secure.

“As therapists, we’re constantly moving between three time zones: past, present, and future.

We look to the relationships in our past in order to make sense of current or future ones.

“However, we can get stuck in the past, regretting past events, and believing ‘if only things had been different’ we could find happiness in the present.”

Those kinds of thought spirals can be difficult to break free of, but the key is to spot when you might be caught in one. Spend some time reflecting on the relationship you have with the past, and ask yourself: are there things that you need to let go of in order to thrive in the future?

with an appreciation for the present and the future.

Tap into this unique element of the human experience, connect with those you love the most, reminisce on the things that have brought you happiness, and celebrate the hurdles you overcame – while knowing that there is still so much more to come on the horizon.

When all’s said and done

Human beings are fascinated by the passing of time – we’ve been recording it, celebrating it, and predicting it since, well, the start of time – and many of us are sentimental creatures by nature.

But, as with anything, the past is best served up in equal measures,

Jeremy Sachs is an integrative psychotherapist who specialises in working with trauma recovery, long-term conditions, adolescents, and young people. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 19

5 ways to soothe painful emotions

Ride the waves and tap into self-care with these tips Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

H

ave you ever had an emotion that felt ‘too much’, or feared that your feelings would overwhelm you? While emotions have an adaptive purpose – to help us stay safe, make decisions, communicate, and build social bonds – there are times when they become so strong that their intensity hurts.

Although some people experience intense emotions more frequently (such as those who, like me, have borderline personality disorder), painful emotions are part of being human. It is normal to feel large amounts of emotion, especially in response to difficult events such as an illness, or the death of a loved one. Here, we take a look at five ways to soothe painful emotions.

20 | September 2021 | happiful.com

1. Engage your senses

2. Delve into a story

“[This] is an act of mindfulness, pausing and tuning-in to your body, surroundings, and what is happening in the now,” says counsellor Dee Johnson. “It helps with concentration skills, and brings awareness, sharpening your observational abilities.”

If you’re sad or anxious, try recreating a fragrance you associate with comfort, perhaps spraying diluted lavender oil onto a tissue. Experiment with looking carefully at leaves during a walk, and try savouring something fresh, such as a juicy piece of fruit.

Explore textures to see what you find soothing; prop a cushion behind your back when you’re writing a stressful email. Play around with sound to see if the chatter of the radio soothes you.

Stories can take us temporarily into the minds of others, and to diverse locations, providing a short break from whatever is going on in our lives. For some, stories involving crime, war, or horror can exacerbate fear, guilt, or sadness – so genres involving romance, fantasy, or nature may be more soothing options.

Undoubtedly, the cognitive effort needed for reading a book or processing narrative twists can be difficult when emotions are intense, but audiobooks of familiar or childhood stories may be able to offer escapism more easily, and without any jarring surprises. Travel vlogs on YouTube can also be a fun way of momentarily exploring interesting landscapes or cities.

3. The power of temperature Have you ever felt either uncomfortably hot or miserably cold during times of painful emotions? Sometimes, restoring balance to your temperature helps bring us closer to emotional equilibrium. If you’re feeling chilly, relating to deep sadness, consider taking a warm shower, and snuggling up with a hot water bottle. Conversely, if you’re too warm, maybe due to shame or anxiety, put a damp face cloth in the freezer and then gently rest it over the back of your neck or your brow. Alternatively, try soaking your feet in a bowl of cold water, and see if that settles you.

4. A safe place in your mind Imagine you’re visiting a location that makes you feel safe and comfortable. It might be somewhere you know well, a place you have been to in the past, seen in a film, or an entirely made-up place. Some people find it tricky to visualise a scene in great detail, so browse Pinterest or Instagram to gather inspiration for how it might

Painful emotions are often amplified by anxious thoughts look, feel, and sound. The more detail you can generate, the more vivid your mental picture will be.

As Dee explains: “Safe place imagery [is] very helpful for trauma and anxiety – a great grounding technique to remind you that you have experienced safety, feelings are transient, and to give a sense of control as it’s your place to choose to go to.”

Then put the list out of view and take a break from ruminating, planning, or solving. When your mind wanders to your worries or tasks, gently tell yourself they are safely recorded, and you will take care of them when you’re ready. It’s amazing how worries can dissolve and tasks seem more manageable once painful emotions start to subside.

Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media Award-winning blogger, and author of ‘Talking About BPD: A StigmaFree Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with Borderline Personality Disorder’.

5. Make a list, and then put the list away Painful emotions are often amplified by anxious thoughts (‘what if…’, ‘I don’t know how…’), not to mention a ‘to do’ list that feels unmanageable. List all the thoughts bothering you, and all the jobs preying on your mind.

Dee Johnson is a counsellor interested in working with individuals and groups.

Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 21

By the end of play How embracing our inner-child in the workplace can help us rediscover our passion Writing | Fiona Thomas

W

hat would you give to turn back the clock, and live a day as your fiveyear-old self? For many of us, the life of a child looks not just fun but easy, especially when compared with the pressures

22 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

of adulthood. Instead of dealing with bills, appointments, and endless meetings, playing in the sandbox and taking naps seems like a far better deal.

The funny thing is, you connect with your inner child more often than you think. Have you ever

played a harmless prank, or doodled to pass the time? As humans, we need an element of play in our lives to manage stress and release endorphins, and once you allow yourself to act like a kid again, you’ll want to do it more often.

memory lane

Contrary to popular belief, bringing playfulness to the workplace isn’t an excuse for employees to skive off.

It boosts productivity and can induce a flow state; that in-the-zone feeling when you’re concentrating hard on something you find challenging, but also creatively stimulating.

A study published in The Tohoku Journal of Experimental Medicine found that the simple act of laughter can mitigate the effects of stress, strengthen teams, and build better relationships.

Adults who prioritise play may be able to find more happiness, fight off depression, and lower their risk of dementia.

Now we’re not suggesting you surprise the team with a bouncy castle in the office car park, but we do have some ideas to help tap into your inner child at work.

1. Ask questions As an adult, you’re expected to be the fount of all knowledge for children. If you’ve ever witnessed a child descend into a ‘But, why?’ spiral, then you know exactly what we’re talking about. Try stepping out of your adult role from time to time, and lean into the fact that you cannot possibly know everything all of the time. Explore the idea that it’s OK to admit you don’t have all the answers, and instead try asking questions to figure out a way forward. Try posing openended questions, such as: ‘What seems to be the problem?’, ‘What else do I need to know about this?’, and ‘What’s holding you back from succeeding?’

2. Talk to someone new Have you ever noticed that children are experts in making new friends? They don’t think twice about inviting newcomers into their space to talk or play games. We adults are a different breed entirely. According to a

Try stepping out of your adult role from time to time, and lean into the fact that you cannot possibly know everything all of the time YouGov poll, just a quarter of older Britons report having made a friend in the past six months, and only 18% over the age of 55 have made a new friend in the past six years. But reaching out to a colleague could be the ticket to boosting job satisfaction, because – according to a study in Social Psychological and Personality Science – small talk has been shown to improve executive functioning; the area of the brain related to focus, prioritisation, and organisation. The next time you try to avoid that after-work event, consider what your inner child would do.

3. Gamify your tasks Reward charts are common in academic settings because they are brilliant motivators to get kids

engaged in learning, but this can be applied to modern workplaces, too. Say you’ve got a stack of boring paperwork to complete.

Why not split it between you and a colleague, and whoever finishes last has to buy the other one a coffee? Alternatively, set yourself a deadline and reward yourself with lunch from your favourite sandwich place. You could even bring health and wellbeing goals into work and get others involved, trying to walk 10,000 steps every day, or taking short meditation breaks together.

4. Be curious As children, we’re endlessly curious and encouraged to make mistakes. There isn’t a person on Earth who learned to speak without a whole lot of garbling and gobbledegook beforehand.

No one figured out how to walk without stumbling and crawling along the way. Your inner child chooses curiosity over ego every time, so try to accept that failure might occur when you try new things. That said, having a curious mind doesn’t have to involve big scary challenges.

Something as simple as switching up the time you have lunch will offer up new experiences, such as hearing an interesting radio show or bumping into an old friend. Take on that new project, volunteer to do something you’ve never done before, and embrace being a beginner.

Fiona Thomas is a freelance writer and author, whose latest book, ‘Out of Office’, is available now. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more. happiful.com | September 2021 | 23

There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it SHANNON L ALDER Photography | Joanna Nix-Walkup

24 | September 2021 | happiful.com

relationships

How to tell your partner you need help We explore how to navigate the conversation, and help you integrate your therapeutic life into your dating life Writing | Becky Wright

I

‘

need some professional help, but what will my partner think? Will they think it’s their fault? Or that I’m being overdramatic? Will they think it’s unnecessary?’

These are some of the questions that went through my mind before deciding to start therapy sessions earlier this year.

Admitting to yourself that you need help is a huge step in looking after your mental health. But, often one of the most daunting steps in getting the support that you need is telling other people – especially the important people in your life – that you’re struggling.

As much as you should feel proud of yourself for trying to access help (whether it’s

counselling, mentoring, coaching, or something else), you may still feel worried to say it aloud to the person closest to you.

Why is it hard to ask for help?

In a romantic context, people can fear that ‘having issues’ will make them seem less attractive. But, according to counsellor Bernadette Padfield, there could also be other fears that make you feel reluctant to tell your loved one that you want to access professional help, including: • They’ll feel inadequate or hurt because you can’t discuss your issues with them.

• They’ll feel they are responsible for you seeking help.

• They could share this information with others you don’t want to tell.

Part of my reluctance to tell my boyfriend I wanted to access therapy was that it suddenly felt very serious and final. I’d been thinking about getting support for a while but, once I said the words out loud to him, I knew there would be a sense of accountability for me to book the sessions and to attend. And that in itself was scary.

Why should I ask for help?

Undeniably, the strongest intimate connections are built on a foundation of honesty, mutual support, and trust. As part of this, it’s natural to want to discuss important aspects of your life – including your mental health. If you’re reluctant to talk about this with your loved one, ask yourself why. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 25

Do I have to tell my partner?

You deserve to get the help you need, but it’s important that you feel secure and safe in having the conversation. Here, Bernadette lists some reasons you may not want to tell your partner that you’re considering professional help: • You don’t feel safe.

• They may react violently.

• They may make it difficult for you to access help.

• They may make life difficult at home.

• They may try to humiliate you.

“All of these are acceptable reasons for not telling them.

However, from a therapist’s perspective, they all appear to identify issues within the relationship.”

If there are problems within your relationship, a therapist may have some useful advice, or you could explore scheduling a couple’s counselling session to help you improve communication with your partner.

26 | September 2021 | happiful.com

relationships

Perhaps you’re dealing with a painful or difficult issue and you’re not comfortable sharing that information with anyone yet. “Whether or not you tell your partner is entirely your decision,” says Bernadette. “But, it may be worth exploring this with a therapist.”

Despite any worries you have about telling your partner you need help, there is a lot that you could gain from talking to them.

Bernadette says it’s important to think about how you could benefit from opening up. “Ask yourself ‘What is motivating me to tell them?’, then list some of the things you could gain by telling them.”

For example: • They may acknowledge my unhappiness.

• They may be supportive/ empathetic.

• They may respect my courage.

• They may listen.

• They may offer practical help.

Remember, if you’re dating someone seriously and you want the relationship to progress, you need to have hard conversations sometimes – including letting them know when you’re struggling.

How do I start the conversation?

If you’re concerned about telling your partner that you want to seek help for your mental health, then remember, you don’t have to do anything until you are

ready. Don’t put yourself under any pressure, as this could prevent you from accessing the support you need.

But, when you do feel ready, create a comfortable environment to have that conversation in – at a quiet time, without distractions, when you’re both feeling relaxed.

It’s perfectly normal to get upset and to feel vulnerable Prepare what you’d like to say You may be feeling nervous or emotional, so having a few points in mind can help you to structure the conversation.

Unless your problems are very serious, a short explanation about how you’re feeling and the type of support you want to get will be fine.

It’s perfectly normal to get upset and to feel vulnerable. Just take your time, and ask them to be patient as you open up.

your partner, it could open a new world of conversation between you. They may decide to share details about their own mental health experiences.

If your issues are deeper, a longer discussion may need to happen, but you don’t need to go into this right away if you don’t want to. You might feel more comfortable disclosing this with therapeutic assistance, such as in a couple’s therapy session.

Ask for what you need Perhaps you need practical support. Could they help you search for a suitable counsellor online? Could they take you to an appointment with your GP, or your first therapy session?

Asking for help is a big step, and you should do it on your own terms. But, when you’re ready, talking to your partner could not only help you to access the support you need, but it could also help you to unlock a whole new level of connection within your relationship.

Say as much or as little as you want to If your partner wants more information, they can ask, and you can answer to whatever degree you feel comfortable.

If this is the first time you’ve discussed mental health with

Bernadette Padfield is an integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and a registered member of the BACP. Find out more about Bernadette on counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 27

The perfect alternative With a passion for promoting uniqueness, Sophie de Oliveira Barata, founder of The Alternative Limb Project, shares her inspiration for developing bespoke and stunning prosthetics, and why her creations are an active invitation to see and celebrate difference

F

ounder of The Alternative Limb Project, Sophie de Oliveira Barata, is a little shocked when I congratulate her on 10 years of her company’s existence. It’s not something she’d realised, she laughs, slightly baffled as to why she hadn’t noted her own anniversary, but as we chat it becomes clear why this milestone may have passed her by.

The Alternative Limb Project, her brainchild, was established in 2011 to create unique, imaginative limbs that empower the wearer, and inspire a positive dialogue about the human body and its differences. Her drive to design and realise these pieces, she confesses, keeps her artistic brain more than busy, and she recalls many years of working through the night, and excited conversations about materials from crystals to light beams, clocks to faux porcelain. No wonder the years have flown by.

During this time, Sophie has collaborated with amputees including models, paralympians, children, charity founders, and

28 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

ex-military personnel to create bespoke limbs that are both stunning to look at, and actively draw attention to what can be seen, rather than a part of the body that is no longer there, or was never present. She’s also exhibited creations across the world, prompting conversations about transhumanism, body perception, and personal choices of limb representation and expression.

with the ways makeup can trick the human eye. Shortly after graduating, I took some work experience at a company that made prosthetics for amputees.

To me that was the ultimate trick of the eye: making an artificial limb appear convincing!

I worked there for eight years, and was lucky enough to learn how to make fingers and toes, partial hands and feet, forearm and leg covers.

Sophie, how did you first become interested in working with prosthetics?

How did your limb creation practise evolve?

I studied art in my early 20s, and worked in a hospital in my spare time. I was offered an opportunity to help with a medical disaster re-enactment they were carrying out for training, by creating realisticlooking wounds with makeup.

The experience marked the beginning of medicine and art running side by side throughout my work ever since.

I went on to study special effects makeup at the London College of Fashion, and I became fascinated

The process within that company was for the prosthetist to see clients, and then I’d create the limb required from drawings, measurements, and photographs.

So, I rarely met the people we were making limbs for. However, one of our prosthetists met with a little girl called Pollyanna Hope who was just 2 years old and travelling in a pushchair when a bus mounted the pavement and sadly killed her grandmother, severely scarred her mother, and injured her, resulting in a leg amputation.

positive pointers

Image | Omkaar Kotedia

Through insurance, she was able to have a realistic looking leg each year, and I was assigned to work with her. Pollyanna had received another limb prior to meeting me – she’d had stickers on that and liked the idea of something different. I could see she was really engaged with the process, and creating her a bespoke leg meant she was getting something special that said something specifically about her.

Her family and friends were always excited to see what was coming next, which changed the dialogue around her being an amputee.

Pollyanna’s leg had colourful pictures of her family in frames one year, Peppa Pig another, and at one point she drew a picture of a limb with drawers containing special items. I was just really inspired by Pollyanna and, from a rehabilitation perspective, I was deeply interested in pursuing the personalised limb route, and collaborating with others to reflect who they are through the prosthetics they chose. >>>

happiful.com | September 2021 | 29

How did The Alternative Limb Project come about?

30 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Viktoria and I spoke, and she expressed that she saw how a prosthetic limb could be playful and an accessory, rather than something that’s purely functional.

We began to collaborate, and together we created the sensational leg she wore to dance as an Ice Maiden for the Paralympic Ceremony in 2012, covered in Swarovski crystals. She wanted to focus on being an amputee, and to make a point of having an alternative, beautiful limb.

Around this time, I also worked with Priscilla Sutton on the Spare Parts exhibition, which turned pre-loved prosthetic limbs into modern works of art, Kiera Roche

who is the chairperson for Limb Power, and with British swimmer and amputee Jo-Jo Cranfield. And all of that was the beginning of The Alternative Limb Project.

How has your work evolved in the past 10 years since the company began?

As time passed, our creations were getting more and more interest from museums and galleries. Now, by exhibiting the limbs I co-create, I’ve realised they have the ability to start and extend wider conversations around bodies, prosthetics, individual personalities, art, medicine, and science.

Images (left to right) | Omkaar Kotedia, Channel 4, R. Williams, Lukasz Suchorab

I had an unwavering passion for what I’d started with personalising limbs, and I realised it was fulfilling a deep artistic desire within me, as well as reflecting the unique personalities of the people who wore them.

I started to look for amputee models to create with, and I found artist Viktoria Modesta, who was on the front cover of Bazaar magazine, with her leg to one side and her stump on show.

In her article, she explained how she chose to have an amputation, despite being warned against it, because she had a withered limb and had encountered problems because of that. She shared that after the amputation she’d never looked back. Her boldness and beauty really spoke to me, the way in which she claimed control over her body.

positive pointers

To continue this work, I often use money generated to collaborate with amputees on the development of a piece they own, in return for being the inspiration and model for a copy of that limb to go on public display.

Recently I made a leg for a beautiful champion pole dancer – a man in his 50s who I sought out for a collaboration. Initially he thought that an alternative limb might be cumbersome but, after a conversation, we created a tattooed leg with a hoof that clips onto the pole, with a sculpture on the back that spins as he does, adding another feature to his phenomenal performances.

What impact do your alternative limbs have on people’s outlooks?

From the beginning, the people who came to me said they wanted a limb that would be seen. One lady I met was born without her arm just below her elbow, and she shared how people might not notice this as they began a conversation with her but she would clock the moment that they did, and it was awkward. For her, having an alternative piece was a way of non-verbalising that difference while speaking volumes, as she was actively inviting people to see her chosen limb.

Another gentleman who lost his leg while he was in the military explained how he was surrounded by amputees when he was in service, but when he returned to civilian life that wasn’t the case, and people stared at him constantly. We worked together because he wanted to give people something to really look at, in a playful way and one that was positive for him. After we fitted his alternative limb, his whole body stance changed. He was completely empowered. It was just incredible to witness.

Find out more at altlimbpro.com and @thealternativelimbproject happiful.com | September 2021 | 31

September nature watch This autumn, tune-in to the world around you Squirrels hunker down for winter

Blackberry picking

At this time of year, squirrels begin to hoard food for the coming cold months. If you’re happy to welcome these fluffytailed creatures into your garden, unsweetened and unsalted peanuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, and almonds will go down a treat.

British hedgerows and bushes will be ripe for the picking, with juicy blackberries coming to fruition this month. Harvest these tasty treats for home baking and snacking. Make sure to stay on the path, and pick berries from at least one metre above the ground.

Conker season Deer watching

Swallows and house martins head south

Between September and October, both swallows and house martins will be preparing to fly the nest, as they leave the UK and head south for winter.

32 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Autumn is the deer rutting season, where stags clash heads as they seek to secure the perfect mate. Living both in the wild and on private land, rutting deer can be dangerous and unpredictable, so if you’re interested in watching this spectacle for yourself, the safest option is to find an organised group near you.

Falling from horse chestnut trees from August to October, conkers may take you on a nostalgic trip straight back to your childhood. But there’s more to them than the classic, game. Conkers are thought to keep spiders away – and you can even use them as a natural washing detergent as they contain saponin, a substance used around the world to clean clothes.

relationships

It takes two Spend some quality time together, with these five mindful activities for couples Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Offer a sensual massage

You don’t have to be a master masseuse to take your partner on a relaxing mind and body journey. YouTube has a huge selection of tutorials for basic massage techniques that you can try out. Just remember, take it slow, keep it simple, and tune-in to what works for your partner.

Create a shared vision board

Vision boards are all about putting together a picture of the future that you want. What’s the next step in your relationship?

Perhaps there’s an experience you always wanted to try together, a project you want to undertake, or maybe there are big life milestones waiting for you just around the corner, such as buying a house, or heading into retirement. Whatever it is, get creative and visualise your future on the board.

Spend time in nature together

Tuning-in to the sensations of the natural world around us can transform our mindset – and getting back to your roots with your partner by your side makes it all the more rewarding. Do you have a favourite spot that has a special meaning to you? A view that takes your breath away? Or a

route you have fond memories of walking together? Tie your laces and head on out.

Declutter your space

It may sound more like a chore than an exercise in mindfulness, but you could be surprised at how cleaning and tidying can help us to switch off and unwind.

Choose an area of your home you want to focus on. If your aim is to declutter, take a moment to consider each item you come across – does it have a particular meaning to you? Does it spark any emotions? And once you’re done, you can both relax in a fresh, clean environment.

Couples yoga

When you think of ‘couples yoga’, your mind may automatically go to the acrobatic feats often shared online. But, in reality, couples yoga can be done at any level, and is much more about tuning-in to each other’s bodies, aligning your breath, and finding support in your partner, than it is about pulling off impressive shapes. Search on YouTube for free introductory videos. happiful.com | Month 2021 | 33

Ask the experts: orthorexia Nutritional therapist and eating disorder recovery coach Sasha Paul answers your questions on orthorexia Read more about Sasha Paul on nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Q

I’ve heard the term orthorexia being used, but I’m not sure what it means – can you explain it?

A

Orthorexia is a word used to describe an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.

Q

My relationship with food feels unhealthy, but I’m not sure what to do about it. How do I know if I need professional help?

A

Recognising a potential breakdown in your relationship with food is an incredible step. My ethos is that

What often starts out as a wellintentioned health goal, can become a serious problem that affects all areas of a person’s life.

Those experiencing orthorexia tend to follow rigid food rules around what they ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ eat – and, over time, the number of foods they allow in their diet can reduce. It is very common for those with orthorexia

to spend a lot of time thinking about food, and to feel a significant amount of distress if the foods they deem to be healthy are not available.

Although healthy eating is not a problem as such, it’s when the pursuit for health stops being about balance, that things can start to tip towards unhealthy.

if your relationship with food is affecting your life in any way, then you are absolutely right to seek out support. And the sooner you reach out, the better!

The next step is to find a practitioner who specialises in this area, so that you receive the right support for your journey.

I strongly believe that eating problems require a holistic approach that incorporates work on understanding nutrition, shifting unhelpful thought

patterns, and emotional support. Together, this can change your relationship with food for years to come.

Many health professionals will offer you a complimentary initial call, where you can ask about their approach to this problem and if they have experience in this area.

This is also an opportunity for you to make sure that you feel comfortable with the practitioner.

Nutritionist Resource is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

Q

I’m trying to eat healthier at the moment, and am finding myself thinking about food a lot. Is it possible to take healthy eating too far?

A

Top tips for those struggling with orthorexia: 1. Create a supportive environment for yourself.

This may include spending more time with people who have a balanced relationship with food, leaving triggering environments, and following supportive accounts on social media.

2. Keep focused on your motivation for recovery – your ‘why’. List all the reasons why you want to recover – think about what making peace with food will bring you. Next, create a vision board inspired by your list, so you can wake up ready to take on the day.

It’s wonderful to hear that you are considering your health. However, if you are starting to think about food a lot, it may be time to shift your focus from health to balance.

When we focus on healthy eating, often we restrict the foods we really enjoy. This increases our thoughts around these foods, and makes them more desirable.

In many cases, it is far healthier to take an intuitive approach to nutrition, where we focus on nourishing the body as well as allowing ourselves the foods we enjoy – satisfying both our wants and needs.

It can also be helpful to consider if what you are eating is enough for you. This is important because one of the direct effects of undereating is increased thoughts around food.

3. Get the right support.

Working with an expert will arm you with the tools and support to break free from the problem. Take the time to choose someone who specialises in this field, and can support you with the different aspects of recovery.

happiful.com | September 2021 | 35

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true story

Bringing the walls down Following the deaths of both his parents, Jason felt immense pressure to be ‘the man of the house’, and to bottle up his emotions.

But, with time, he discovered the healing power of vulnerability Writing | Jason Wood

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hat is your most vivid childhood memory? Mine is from 15 May 1997. It was a chilly spring day in Chicagoland. The sky was painted an abstract portrait of greys, whites, and yellows. The home, where glorious memories were once made, had now been converted into a makeshift hospice. My dad, my hero, lay in a hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. He had only been sick for a few months, but the end was near. The cancer had ravaged his body, much like how this event would eat away at me for years to come.

I arrived home from school and came to his bedside. I was able to hold his hand one last time as he whispered, “I love you, Jason.” His body, yellow from jaundice, looked like a fragment of the man I once knew. This was my last memory with him. He breathed his final breath a few minutes later, and life changed forever. That is the memory that defines my childhood. It quickly trumped the joyful ones of holidays and fishing trips. My hero, my innocence, and my naivety died that day.

“You’re the man of the house now,” he said just a few weeks prior, as Mom and I left the hospital. At 11-years-old, I needed to take care of Mom, who was chronically ill herself. My

childhood was over. I needed to be an adult.

The top priority was making sure Mom would be OK. To do so, I put up a front. I began to mask my inner fears and feelings because I could not appear weak. I started to lose touch with who I was, but chalked it up to just growing up under special circumstances.

Fast forward to 2005, and it felt like my life was a terrible rerun. Mom, my last pillar, slept in a hospital room full of beeping machines and rattled breathing. After two successful battles with cancer, she was about to lose this one. I was only 19 – what the hell was I supposed to do? I was not prepared to be an adult yet. The wounds from Dad’s death were still fresh.

I held her frail hand, she reminded me to let the dog out, and then she joined Dad. I was alone, really alone. My siblings had turned on me. They seemed like the enemy now. There was an age gap in our family, and I was the youngest by 15 years. They did not approve of my new party lifestyle. I didn’t approve either, but it was the only way to feel somewhat my age and escape the pain I felt.

I faced eviction, arrest, a nasty estate battle, and a few dead-end jobs in the aftermath. I felt broken, I felt useless, but above all, I hurt. >>>

happiful.com | September 2021 | 37

I had lost my parents. My childhood memories felt tarnished. Meanwhile, the rest of my friends were living their best lives at college while I struggled to survive.

Did I ask for help? Did I let others into my world of pain and inner turmoil? No! I needed to stay ‘the man of the house’. Act tough, put on a brave face, and impress others with my resilience. I turned to alcohol a lot. It temporarily numbed the pain. I was that obnoxious, loud friend, always up for another beer. I lied to myself that this is who I was and wanted to be.

In 2010, I met my future husband, my knight in shining armour. I could never understand why he loved me or wanted to be with me.

I felt like I wasn’t worthy of him, and that he could do so much better than me. As such, I only allowed him to see the tip of the iceberg of my pain. I feared that my complete openness might chase him away. I had already lost too much to lose again.

This hurt eventually turned into anger. My perspective soured as the years went along.

I was bitter at the world, at my family, at life

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I began to embrace vulnerability; I felt empowered each time I let my guard down for handing me this unfair deck of cards. My loving relationship with my husband grew tense.

Bickering progressed into arguments and tears, usually as a result of my abusive relationship with alcohol. I turned to beer to escape my pain and insecurities, while still masquerading as a happy-go-lucky guy.

In 2020, I bottomed out. My weight and selfrespect reached an all-time low. My drinking and frustration hit an all-time high. My husband expressed his concerns, and in this moment of weakness, something awoke in me. He opened my eyes to the pain and hurt in my childhood, and the damage I was doing to myself now.

He recognised my pain and, in a move of independence, I did too. I realised I was broken.

I ached. I needed help. The following Monday, I called my doctor and started my road to recovery. I began working through personal issues with my therapist, who helped me better understand my anxious and OCD thoughts, thus enabling me to address my disordered eating.

true story

We talked about how I never had a chance to eulogise my parents, my jealousy about never having a normal childhood, the pain of losing my family, and how the fallout from the estate battle left the good memories tarnished.

My therapist helped me open up and face problems I didn’t know I had. In turn, I began to embrace vulnerability; I felt empowered each time I let my guard down. I found the strength to take the upper hand with my eating disorder, to cope with the pain I buried away. I reconnected with the parts of me I always loved.

I remembered who I was before life’s vicious attacks commenced.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, and found this as my outlet to speak my truths. Through writing, I learned that ‘the man of the house’ can show vulnerability. That does not equal weakness but, instead, it shows love for himself and those around him. I can be honest with myself now, with my husband and with my friends. I broke free from the chains of my eating disorder, my insecurities, and the hurtful memories.

Vulnerability is defined as the state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. All along, I was the one doing the attacking and harm to myself by not allowing myself to share my struggles. I am now on a mission to help others live their best lives, just like I am finally doing after two decades of inner hell.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Jason’s inspirational story provides insight into how difficult life events at an early age can have a damaging impacting our self-esteem.

The trauma Jason experienced was evidently very challenging, and he used alcohol to cope.

However, over time, with a supportive husband and access to therapy, Jason was able to

work through his past and challenge the stigma of what it means be a man.

Jason is living proof that men can be vulnerable, and this is a true sign of strength.

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | September 2021 | 39

Vision for the future 10 incredible innovations changing the world for the better Writing | Rebecca Thair

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hen it comes to saving the planet, there are countless people and organisations achieving astounding things – and yet we often don’t even know about them. Here, we’re celebrating 10 fantastic eco-feats that are worth shouting about.

A fashion brand in Kuching, in Malaysia, is breathing new life into old food delivery bags for a good cause. Neng Kho Razali repurposes ‘Grab Food’ delivery bags into school bags, which are donated to orphanages across the country.

By utilising an enzyme found in red blood cells, scientists from the Worcester Polytechnic Institute, Massachusetts, have created ‘self-healing’ concrete – four times more durable than traditional concrete, that reacts with CO2 to repair cracks in itself before they become bigger structural problems.

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A team of engineering students from Quebec’s University of Sherbrooke has developed a ‘beach vacuum’ to collect and separate microplastics, which are extremely damaging to our ecosystem, from sand. The Hoola One can process about three gallons of sand per minute, and could be key to cleaning up beaches.

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For those eager to explore the world once again, as soon as restrictions allow, using the site ecohotels.com not only gives you a range of sustainable property options, but also for every booking made through the website, it plants a tree to increase reforestation.

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Dutch artist and innovator Daan Roosegaarde has created an award-winning world-first with his smog vacuum cleaner. The tower (7 metres tall) takes in polluted air, cleans it through ionization, and then releases it again – and is able to clean up to 30,000 m3 of air each hour!

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A piece of plastic can only be recycled two or three times, which prompted Nzambi Matee to come up with a longer-term solution.

She started a social enterprise called Gjenge Makers, which turns waste plastic into bricks, able to withstand twice the weight of concrete blocks. And the best part?

Every day her factory recycles about 500kg of plastic, producing 1,500 bricks, and providing jobs to those from marginalised communities.

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In 2020, Waitrose began using a fleet of eco-friendly delivery vans, which run on biomethane (a sustainable alternative to fossil fuels).

Given the volume of carbon emissions delivery vehicles are responsible for, these green machines could gear us up for a brighter future.

Coral reefs are a natural, sustainable way to protect coastlines from erosion, but rising water temperatures and bleaching due to acidity are killing off this protective ecosystem, with 50% of the world’s reefs already destroyed.

To counter this, CCell Renewables is utilising wave-generated electricity to grow artificial reefs faster than they would naturally, to protect vunerable coastal communities and support marine life.

A 3D mesh, called CloudFisher, is capable of converting fog into safe drinking water, or water to irrigate agriculture. Able to withstand high wind speeds, the mesh can be made in various sizes depending on the need, and could be a game-changer for those living in coastal areas or the mountains.

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10 Solar glass technology might be the next big thing, with several companies developing their own versions. One start-up from San Francisco claims its transparent solar cells, which layer over glass, convert ultraviolet and near-infrared light to electricity, while allowing visible light through. Efficiency is being worked on, but it’s believed this tech could be cheaper than solar panels, with a range of applications – from the windows of our homes, to car windshields.

happiful.com | September 2021 | 41

Zine better days Something on your mind? Why not produce, publish, and distribute your own magazine about it? All that creativity is therapeutic, empowering, and fun Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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ots of us love getting creative, as a way of supporting our wellbeing and expressing ourselves. And alongside more notable artistic outlets, such as painting and poetry, is the world of zines.

In his fascinating book on zine culture, Notes from Underground, author Stephen Duncombe defines zines as “non-commercial, non-professional, smallcirculation magazines which their creators produce, publish, and distribute by themselves”.

Zines often contain a mix of materials: poetry, collage, sketches, first person reflections, advice pieces, photos, lyrics – anything the maker feels like including. There’s no set way to produce them either, as zines may be handmade, with items glued or drawn directly on to the pages, photocopied, or created entirely digitally.

Some people make zines just for themselves, or as gifts for

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friends. Others print copies to distribute more widely.

Increasingly, zines are available to view or buy online on platforms such as Etsy.

For decades, zines have been used to share interests and experiences, from the science fiction zines of the 1930s to the Riot Grrrl zines popular in the 90s. They can be on literally any subject: there are zines available on everything from The Tiny Little Book of Bunny Behaviour to Doing Stuff Outside – a guide for anxious autistics.

Being self-published, zines are a place where we can control the content. This makes them perfect for sharing a diverse range of experiences, such as experiences of marginalised communities.

“We don’t need to fit into anyone else’s framework or rules when we have creative outlets such as zines,” explains counsellor Jane Fellowes. “If we feel passionate about sharing a part of our

identity or story, we can then express this in a creative way.

This gives us space to tell our own story in a way of our own choosing, not someone else’s.

There is great therapeutic value in telling our story, and in this being welcomed and accepted by others.”

Mental health is a common theme in contemporary zines.

Author and journalist Erica Crompton started Hopezine after losing two childhood friends to suicide. “I wanted to use my own, and others’, experiences to give hope to all people feeling low or suicidal,” she says. Erica publishes Hopezine quarterly, and it includes a combination of articles, short stories, poetry, and artwork.

“I’ve always believed that writing can help us process difficult feelings,” Erica explains.

She also sees Hopezine as an opportunity to give a voice to her friends and colleagues, who may sometimes be overlooked by more traditional forms of media.

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The value in zines as a space for marginalised voices is a sentiment shared by professional artist Deborah Rogers. Deborah is the founder of participatory arts organisation The Cultural Sisters, and ran a project with the YMCA encouraging participants to make zines.

“Zines can help provide a voice to someone who might feel voiceless,” Deborah says.

“Self-publishing is extremely empowering, and this is where zines came and grew from.”

Zines are one of my favourite creative activities. I find it cathartic to have this space where I can write candidly about my experience of disability and mental ill-health. One of the great things about zines is how you can use different artistic

techniques. On one page I can include a poem, on another a collage of words taken from doctors’ notes, rearranged to reflect and subvert how alienating these notes can feel.

“I feel zines allow us to thoroughly explore an issue, each page looking at it from another angle, using a different material or technique, to look at the issue differently,” explains Deborah.

“Zines allow us to create something as unique as we are,” says counsellor Jane. “They are a form of free expression, where parts of ourselves can be explored creatively, and presented with freedom and choice.”

I’ve also made zines as gifts for friends, the pages full of things meaningful to us. Many people share their zines more widely. Erica posts print copies of Hopezine to friends and family, and then around 700 PDFs go out to her colleagues, past and present. She also sells them on her Etsy shop, and archives them on Hopezine.com.

The power of zines comes, too, from their ability to connect communities. “Zines can help you feel listened to and valued,” Deborah says. “They can help link people together, or be a voice to the community.”

Zines are a feature of many subcultures because of this ability to connect people. It can be really validating to read a zine that resonates with your own experience. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 43

Zines allow us to create something as unique as we are. They are a form of free expression, where parts of ourselves can be explored c r e a t i v e l y, a n d p r e s e n t e d with freedom and choice “They provide us with something to focus on which will be of interest and value to others, which can give us a sense of purpose and meaning,” explains Jane.

“Creativity provides an outlet for us to explore, be, and express our true selves.”

Visit hopezine.com

MAKE YOUR OWN ZINE A good way to start is to decide what you want your zine to be about. Try thinking of a theme, such as ‘living with anxiety’ or ‘my favourite family recipes’. Consider if it is a project for yourself, a gift, or do you like the idea of distributing it?

Zines can contain a range of creative techniques. One of my favourites is using ‘found objects’: items we are all surrounded by.

This can be newspaper cuttings, old train tickets, receipts – anything goes! These can be kept whole or arranged into collages.

If you feel stuck, try “free writing”. Take 10 minutes to sit with your notebook and write. You could use a key word or phrase that summarises the theme for your zine as a starting point.

Maybe you have illustrations or photos you’d like to include? Lists 44 | September 2021 | happiful.com

are also great to use.

It could be music you’re listening to, places you want to visit, stereotypes you want to challenge, or your ambitions.

The other consideration is how you will put it together. I like using quality A4 paper folded into an A5 booklet. Once it’s done, and I’ve made any photocopies, I staple these in the middle. I once used thread to bind it – which looked beautiful, though sewing paper is time consuming and fiddly! There are also various paper-folding techniques, with lots of guides available online.

Plus you can create zines electronically. Erica’s Hopezine is

a great example of this, and she provides both PDF and printed versions of the finished work.

You could, like Erica, collaborate with others. Do you have friends who write poetry, or create artwork? Some zine creators post callouts for contributions online.

This is a great way of bringing together diverse voices around a theme, again building the sense of community.

There is no right way to make a zine, so relax, and enjoy creating something that’s personal and a perfect space for exploring your experiences.

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Takin’ it personally INFJ, type 2 – ‘the helper’, high agreeability… There are lots of personality tests out there, each promising to give us more insight into the people we are. But what do the results really mean, and how can we use their findings?

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s humans, something that sets us apart is how unique we are. Like snowflakes under a microscope, we all have different patterns – of behaviour, preferences, and responses – which form who we are as a whole. This can be thought of as our personality.

Each personality is different, formed in a certain way depending on how and where you grew up, among countless other factors. But, in between the differences,

Writing | Kat Nicholls

there are similar patterns to be found. Certain traits seem to sit together neatly, and this is what personality tests look for – clusters of traits that form alongside one another to create a personality ‘type’.

Helping us to recognise our particular patterns, personality tests were first used in the workplace and by psychologists.

These days, a quick Google for ‘personality test’ will throw up numerous results, with various tests promising to help you uncover who you ‘truly are’.

As these types of tests are self-reported – you are the one answering the questions – and not always put together with evidence at their core, it’s important to take the results with a pinch of salt. These tests are a fun and engaging way to learn about your personality, but they don’t dictate who you truly are.

So, should we bother with personality tests, and how can we use the knowledge we gain from them in our everyday life? Let’s start by looking at some of the major tests you may come across. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 45

The Enneagram of personality 9 Peacemaker Challenger

MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE INDICATOR (MBTI) It’s estimated that more than two million people take the MBTI test every year, so it’s likely you’ll spot it when searching for a personality test to try. Created by mother and daughter team Katharine Briggs and Isabel Myers, the test is based on Carl Jung’s theory of personality, and looks at the following four dimensions: 1. Attitudes: extraversion or introversion. This is about how people regain their energy (introverts do so with internal reflection, extroverts do so by reflecting outwards with others), and whether or not someone is thought-oriented or action-oriented.

2. The perceiving function: sensing or intuition. This identifies whether or not a person perceives using their five senses, or their intuition 3. The judging function: thinking or feeling. This is about how a person makes a decision, either with rational thought or using empathic feeling 4. Lifestyle preferences: judging or perceiving. This reveals how a person primarily relates to the world, either through their perceiving function, or their judging function.

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Enthusiast

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1 Reformer

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Loyalist

2 Helper

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3 Achiever

Investigator

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When you take the test, you’ll see your combination of these factors, and be given one of 16 different personality types such as ESTP (extraverted, sensing, thinking, perceiving) or INFJ (introverted, intuition, feeling, judging). You can then learn more about common characteristics of this type, and see if you recognise yourself in the description.

NEO PERSONALITY INVENTORY-REVISED (NEO PI-R) Created by Paul T Costa, Jr. and Robert R McCrae in the 70s, this test started life as a way to investigate age-related changes in personality. The most recent version of the test, NEO PI-R, looks at six

4 Individualist facets of what’s known as the ‘big five’ personality traits: 1. Neuroticism 2. Extraversion 3. Openness to experience 4. Agreeableness 5. Conscientiousness Today the test is typically used during recruitment and employment, to help maximise the productivity of a workforce.

THE ENNEAGRAM Inspired by ancient traditions, the Enneagram (coming from the Greek words ‘ennea’, meaning nine, and ‘grammos’, a written or drawn symbol) was brought to the 20th century in 1915, by philosopher and teacher George Gurdjieff. Over time, other

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Self-awareness is a key part of personal development – it’s how we grow psychologists added personality types to the diagram, integrating it with modern developments in the psychology field.

When you take the test, your result will be a number between one and nine, which represents an Enneagram type such as ‘the helper’, ‘the enthusiast’, or ‘the challenger’.

SHOULD I TAKE A TEST? If you’re interested in learning more about yourself, and having a little fun on the way, why not?

Self-awareness is a key part of personal development – it’s how we grow. There are lots of activities you can do to support this, including journaling and meditation, and you can consider a personality test the cherry on top of your self-awareness cake.

WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR TEST RESULTS Read up on your result and see how much of it resonates with you. Some tests will give detailed report, and tell you more about

how your personality type affects your relationships, work-life, and even what motivates you.

Use this information to note the strengths, weaknesses, and behavioural patterns you tend to fall into. Having this insight can help you adjust accordingly to work with your personality type, not against it. For example, if you learn you are more introverted, you can factor this into your lifestyle and make room for solo reflection to rebuild energy.

You could also ask loved ones to take the same test and compare results. Knowing each other’s personality types can open the door for more honest communication. Encouraging colleagues to take the test could also be incredibly valuable. It may reveal how you can work

better together as a team, as you understand each other’s needs and ideal working environments.

With all this in mind, it’s worth noting that as we grow and change, our personalities can too.

Try taking the same test every few years, and see if you notice any differences.

The more we know ourselves, the more we build self-trust.

This paves the way for self-belief and the confidence to go for what we truly want in life. So, a personality test in itself may not be life-changing, but what you do with the results could be.

If you’re keen to explore personal development more, why not work with a life coach? Learn more and find the right coach for you at lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 47

WELLBEING

BY THE LAKES FESTIVAL 8-12TH SEPTEMBER 2021 10AM-6PM DAILY | DORSET

DAY TICKETS £12.50* | WWW.WELLBEINGBYTHELAKES.CO.UK

*Excludes bookable activities. Please see website for more information. Please note no children under 14 (including babies) or dogs are permitted on site

Wellbeing by the Lakes - Sculpture by the Lakes, Dorchester, Dorset DT2 8QU

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ne art rp

BOOK NOW

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Yoga . Fitness . Pilates . Breathwork . Qoya . Sound Healing Expert Talks . Guided Meditations . Delicious Food . Art Gallery Award-Winning Gardens . Marketplace . Massage & Healing Therapies

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Set at the inspirational Sculpture by the Lakes, Wellbeing by the Lakes is 5 day festival dedicated to wellbeing, exploring what it means to be mindful and live well in today’s world.

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Happiful reads...

From ways to spice up your favourite noodle recipes to uplifting stories, we share four books you won’t want to miss this month Writing | Chelsea Graham

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rief can come as a shock, and it can be difficult to know how move forward. When Amy loses her mum, she realises she has now become the ‘woman of the family’. While navigating her feelings, she also begins to work her way through learning the skills her mother never got a chance to teach her.

Amy comes to realise that she doesn’t know how to keep the peace between her feuding aunts, or how to react when her dad makes lasagne for an unknown woman. Uplifting, relatable, and honest, Amy Lavelle’s novel will resonate with anyone who has ever experienced the loss of someone close to them, or who has had

to navigate challenging and important life moments without the person who had, before, always been there to guide them.

Patience by Victoria Scott Out now The Willow’s youngest daughter, Patience, has Rett syndrome – meaning she is trapped in her own body – forcing her family to make all of her decisions on her behalf. An extraordinary story of love, hope, and dilemma, Patience is a heart-wrenching tale of parents given the chance to cure their child’s disease, and who must to decide whether a seemingly impossible risk is worth the reward.

A Book of Secrets

by Derren Brown 2 September Having previously written a book all about happiness, Derren now explores why this may not be our only successful route to finding value. He delves into the idea that maybe there is something to be found in our frustrations, and in uncertainty.

A deep dive into history, his own experiences, and the opinions of others, this book is a wonderful exploration of how we can find compassion and consolation in surprising places.

Definitely Fine

by Amy Lavelle Out now

Book covers | amazon.co.uk

Must reads Bowls & Broths

by Pippa Middlehurst 2 September Once a cancer research scientist, and now a cook and author, Pippa Middlehurst is a keen advocate for building the noodle bowl from the bottom up.

Sharing recipes for heart-warming broths, fiery noodle bowls, and crunchy toppings, Pippa has a recipe for every craving. She believes it’s important to offer accessible recipes that can be adapted for each reader, and so creates options with each dish.

happiful.com | September 2021 | 49

How to find romance in the everyday See the world around you in a new light with these tips for introducing romance into your day Writing | Gabby Willis

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ot just something connected to love and relationships, romance can be as simple as harnessing feelings of mystery, excitement, exoticism, and appreciation of the day-to-day things that make life a pleasure to experience.

Deeply connected to gratitude and self-love, harnessing the

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

romance of the everyday can be the perfect foundation for lifting our spirits, and self-soothing when life has been a little rough.

We’ve all experienced throwing open the curtains to bask in warm rays of sunshine that flood into a previously cool and dark room, and it’s time to tap into that feeling more.

Danielle Thornton-Walker, a life coach at Danielle Louise Coaching, says: “The love that we feel for anything comes from us – so if the inside of you is a soft, sunny space, it’s going to radiate from the outside too.”

Whether you find romance in the smell of fresh laundry and new books, or

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the rush you get when listening to your favourite song in the car with the windows down, here are five ways you can find and harness the romance of the everyday to make your own, and others’, lives better.

1. BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT Danielle encourages you to take some time to immerse yourself into the present moment. Just like being in love, being wrapped up in a moment – as if nothing else matters – does wonders for our wellbeing.

As Danielle explains, when you tune-in to the simple things, and get real joy from them, your brain floods your body with oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine – ‘happy’ hormones that make you feel alive and at peace.

2. PRACTISE GRATITUDE Starting, and/or ending, your day with gratitude can also help you remain present and in love with the moment. Danielle says: “You can’t be practising gratitude and feel angry, or shame, or jealousy, or any of those uncomfortable feelings. Practising gratitude brings in all the joy, the love, the hope, and the optimism, and raises your emotional vibration.”

You might be grateful for the taste of your favourite

food, or the soothing sound of heavy rain. You could have a bad day, but there’s always something romantic to be grateful for, somewhere. Try making a list of five things you’re grateful for in the day ahead when you wake up, and add five extra things before you go to sleep.

3. USE ALL OF YOUR SENSES Really paying attention to sights, sounds, smells, sensations, and tastes will give you more things to find romance in.

We’ve all experienced throwing open the curtains to bask in warm rays of sunshine, and it's time to tap into that feeling more This is something Karen Liebenguth, qualified life coach and accredited mindfulness teacher, believes in strongly. She says we should also engage in things we are passionate about, like really immersing ourselves in a piece of music, or finding bliss in sinking our hands into the dough when baking bread.

All of these feelings and activities contribute to making us feel relaxed, fulfilled, and alive, which in itself can be very romantic. At times, it is impossible to hear the birds sing, feel the dewy grass underfoot, and see summer blossoms in bloom without feeling in love with yourself, your surroundings, and your companions.

4. SPEND TIME OUTDOORS Karen says: “Beauty can ignite awe and wonder, [but that] can also happen with meditation – when we sit quietly with ourselves, are connected to the body and breath, and the mind quietens down.”

Karen often meets her coaching clients outdoors, and encourages them to practise mindfulness and meditation in green or open spaces. This can help with a sense of connection to life around us, something bigger than ourselves, which is key to appreciating the romance of the everyday.

5. MAKE IT A HABIT Danielle adds that this all needs to be done regularly to appreciate the effects. Your brain likes consistency and evidence, and will start to do these things on its own once you’ve taught it to.

Pamela Rose, psychotherapist and coach, says creating a habit of appreciating the romance around you will help you fall back in love with your life, and boost your wellbeing.

Pamela says: “Try starting a new daily habit of picking one thing that day you’ve loved. It can be difficult to remember to do this at first, so leave yourself a note perhaps next to your toothbrush.

And while you’re brushing your teeth, think back through the day and pick one thing you felt was perfect, just the way it was.

This helps to release serotonin and fills you with peaceful calm.

Your brain will start to realise how great this feels, and will encourage you to do more of this throughout the day.” happiful.com | September 2021 | 51

You’re having a laugh Laughter yoga classes are taking off around the world, so Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler signed up for a session to discover the serious benefits behind having a chuckle

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t’s 3pm on a Monday, and I’m sat in front of my laptop, ready to join a virtual laughter yoga class.

When I first stumbled across the idea of ‘laughter yoga’, in my mind’s eye I envisioned a group of people heartily laughing while in traditional yoga poses – similar to my own reaction every time I poorly attempt downward facing dog – and I was about halfway right.

Laughter yoga, as it is done today, was developed by medical doctor Dr Madan Kataria who, after

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studying the numerous benefits of laughter, was inspired to launch the first ‘Laughter Club’ with five people in a park. The group gathered in a circle, told jokes, messed around, were generally silly, and had a laugh.

Rather than adapting the yoga poses we’re accustomed to, Dr Kataria’s laughing yoga was more focused on tuning-in to the intentionality and mindfulness of yoga, mixing in breathing and stretching with moments of

prompted laughter. Following the first few trials, he realised that the body cannot distinguish between real and pretend laughter – furthermore, makebelieve laughter often turned genuine, and the physiological benefits of the exercise were felt for days after the sessions.

With that discovery, the practice took off, and today Dr Kataria runs a free virtual laughter club every day – which is what I’m about to dive into.

positive pointers

With a mix of periods of laughing, stretching, and breathing, Dr Kataria masterfully switched the tone between peaceful quietness and jubilant laughter A perk of going virtual, the Laughter Club attracts people from all over the world, and as the host welcomes the ‘international family’ to the call, I see ‘hellos’ from Italy, Japan, Spain, Brazil, Portugal, Germany, Israel, Uruguay, and Hull. The first part of the session was hosted by laughter yogi Vinayak Shastri, who took a moment to remind us that we’re all small children, that the child is still within us, that we have suppressed that child, but in Laughter Club we’ll allow that child to come out once again.

This leads us seamlessly into two minutes of freeform ‘silly time’ – and, let me tell you, the attendees of the Laughter Club understood the brief. As my Zoom window jumps from person to person, I watch, half in bewilderment and half in awe, as people blow raspberries, pull funny faces, and make all kinds of odd noises with not a single punch pulled. At this point, I did try to access my own inner child – but because, as a child, I was painfully shy, serious, and usually found on the sidelines of the action, I didn’t find much help there. That said, who could resist letting out a chuckle as an

adult man gleefully flies across your screen making aeroplane noises? It was all very, very silly – though, of course, that’s completely the point.

But the benefits of laughter yoga are no joke. On a physical level, laughter increases our intake of oxygen, stimulating our heart, lungs, and muscles.

From there, it increases the endorphins (feel-good chemicals) that are released by the brain, soothing our stress response and even decreasing our blood pressure. It’s these endorphins that leave us feeling happy and calm after a good laugh – add some friendly company into the mix and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a good time.

About 20 minutes into the session, it was time for the main attraction, as Dr Madan Kataria came on the call to guide us through the next stage. With a mix of periods of laughing, stretching, clapping, and breathing, Dr Kataria masterfully switched the tone between peaceful quietness and jubilant laughter, and soon – without really realising it – I found myself laughing along without having to try. Over the

course of the session, I shed that self-conscious layer that was stopping me from letting go at the start. I was laughing from my belly, and feeling the warmth spreading through my body, mixed with deep, healing breaths and stretches as I embraced this hour of silliness and solace in the middle of a standard, busy workday.

The session ended with a dance party to Pharrell Williams’ ‘Happy’ (no prizes for guessing that song), and as I watched the images of people from all over the world freely dancing while grinning ear-to-ear – one man even taking a break to wipe the tears from his eyes – I got it. I got the power of letting go of the behaviours you may not have even realised were holding you down, to let all the silliness bubble up to the surface, to shed seriousness and sensibleness, and to just have fun. That evening, I felt lighter, playful, and relaxed. And the best part? A good laugh doesn’t cost a thing.

Fancy giving laughter yoga a go?

Join free, virtual classes every day at laughteryoga.org happiful.com | September 2021 | 53

Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow’s reality MALALA YOUSAFZAI

Photography | Emiliano Vittoriosi

54 | September 2021 | happiful.com

wellbeing

Content warning: this piece discusses topics and details relating to self-harm

7 myths about

self-harm, debunked Sort the facts from the fiction when it comes to the sensitive topic of self-harm Writing | Sarah Young

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Lancet Psychiatry study found that, in 2014, 6% of 16–74-year-olds living in England had self-harmed, which is equivalent to more than one in 20 people. In young women aged 16–24, this figure is one in five. And yet, selfharm is still a topic that’s often considered ‘taboo’, surrounded by myths, stigma, and stereotypes that make people afraid to ask for help for fear of negative attention.

So, it’s time to clear up some of the myths and misconceptions about self-harm.

1. People who self-harm are attention-seeking This may be one of the most pervasive myths surrounding those who self-harm, and one that dismisses and invalidates the emotional anguish that they

experience. Many people who selfharm feel ashamed and go to great lengths to hide their injuries from others, as often the attention that self-harm brings is negative due to stigma. The reasons why people self-harm vary immensely and are personal to each individual.

Emily, 29, who lives with depression and CPTSD, says: “Selfharm is a coping mechanism for when I’m experiencing extreme emotions that cannot be relieved by anything that isn’t destructive.

Also, when I am dissociated and not able to connect to the real world, it grounds me.”

It’s also important to address our perceptions of “attentionseeking”. When someone sneers that “people who self-harm just do it for attention”, we can feel the need to prove them wrong. But why do we view this through such

a negative lens? Often people don’t have the words, or the confidence, to say that they need help. While the last thing many people who self-harm want is attention, for others it may be a call for help.

When someone is trying to communicate that they are in pain, they need validation and support, not ridicule and dismissal.

2. Self-harm is just cutting Typically, when people hear ‘selfharm’, the first thing they think of is cutting. While this is a common method of self-harm, it is not the only way that people can cause damage to themselves, either internally or externally. Other forms of self-harm to be aware of include overdosing and substance misuse, excessive exercise, or harming themselves through eating disorders. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 55

Where to get help If you are affected by self-harm, here are some ways you get support or information

Phone and text lines

• Samaritans: 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org • Shout crisis text line: Text “SHOUT” to 85258 or “YM” if you’re under 19 • Childline: 0800 1111 (under 19s).

• YoungMinds parents helpline: 0808 802 5544 • Mind: 0300 123 3393

Webchat services

• Self Injury Support webchat (for women) is open Tuesday, and Thursday from 7pm to 9.30pm • CALM webchat (for men) is open from 5pm to midnight every day

56 | September 2021 | happiful.com

3. It’s just a phase Some people’s experience of self-harm can be more isolated, related to a specific situation, and may stop once that has resolved.

Others may self-harm as a long-term coping mechanism.

Similar to how some people crave cigarettes or alcohol in times of great stress, others may find an emotional release from self-harm, which could become habitual, or even addictive.

“When I was younger, I was genuinely addicted to it and would self-harm every day at some points,” says Emily. “I didn’t know how else to deal with emotions.”

4. Only teenagers self-harm Ivy*, 30, who has struggled with severe depression throughout

her life, says: “One of the biggest myths around self-harm is that it’s just teenagers and young adults who do it. A lot of selfharmers carry on much further into adulthood.”

A culmination of the emotional, hormonal, and physical changes in teenage years can mean that this age group is more likely to become overwhelmed and use self-harm as a way of coping, especially if there are other difficulties going on in their lives.

But self-harm can begin or stop at any age. Claire*, 28, shared her experiences of her daughter Anna* with me.

“When Anna was only three years old, she began hitting herself on the head when she became overwhelmed. I was

wellbeing *Names have been changed for privacy.

very concerned and searched for counsellors to help Anna but, due to her age, there wasn’t any support that they could provide, which was very upsetting.

I talked with Anna about expressing emotions and tried to validate any feelings she had.

When she started school there was an incident where Anna was playing with another child and an accident happened that upset the other child. Anna’s way of dealing with that was to slam her fingers in the door. She was trying to hurt herself to make things right.

“It hasn’t happened again but you can see when she gets upset or frustrated she does bang her fists on herself. It is her struggling to deal with difficult emotions.”

5. It’s a slippery slope to more severe self-harm or suicide Some people who self-harm may have suicidal thoughts, but many do not. The intent behind self-harm and suicide can be very different: one is a coping mechanism, and one is a desire to end their life. In this way, they could even be said to be at opposite ends of the scale, and each require a different approach to treatment.

It’s important to be aware that some people’s self-harm may escalate over time, but for many their level of self-harm will remain consistent. For example, I self-harmed frequently for more than 10 years: I never required hospital treatment and my self-harm never increased in severity. This isn’t to minimise the seriousness of it, but more to make you aware that not all those who self-harm will require hospital treatment, and hopefully in time people can find alternative, healthier coping mechanisms.

6. People can choose to stop self-harming Telling someone that they can ‘just stop’ is an unrealistic expectation that they often won’t be able to live up to. And for some, who may use self-harm to cope with extreme feelings, it can even be dangerous to abruptly cease all self-harm as they may be left without an outlet. It’s important to support them in finding safer ways of coping – this is likely to involve working with a therapist.

Attempting to prevent someone

When someone is trying to communicate that they are in pain, they need validation and support, not ridicule and dismissal from self-harming may mean that they use riskier methods to self-harm, or feel unable to come to you with issues.

Often self-harm is a symptom of another issue. My self-harm was completely entangled with my eating disorder, as a symptom of that illness. Once my eating disorder was addressed and I recovered, the daily self-harm wasn’t something I felt I needed to do anymore.

7. Only ‘goths’ and ‘emos’ self-harm There isn’t a ‘look’ for someone who self-harms. Anyone of any age, background, race, gender, or sexuality can self-harm. It is, unfortunately, all too common in our society, so it’s important we break down the stigma around it so that it’s easier for those who self-harm to feel comfortable sharing their struggles. No one should have to suffer in silence.

With love and understanding, we can create a safer place for those who self-harm to seek out help when they need it. happiful.com | September 2021 | 57

Family favourites Childhood dishes got you hungry for more? Try these two family favourites, each with a nutritional twist Writing | Rania Salman

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eminiscing about childhood family dinners? Want to recreate your favourite family feasts? We’ve got two delicious dishes packed with veggies and key nutrients, plus a dash of nostalgia!

High in taste, but low in salt and unhealthy fats, these classic meals are incredibly versatile – it’s easy to substitute vegetables to suit your personal taste. So have a go, and make some new memories around the stove.

Vegetable lasagne Serves: 8 Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 1.5 hours Ingredients • 1 medium yellow pepper, 1 medium red pepper, ½ medium green pepper, chopped • 1 very large courgette, chopped • 1 medium aubergine, chopped • Handful of cherry tomatoes, halved • 1 Italian sun-dried tomato mix • Grind of black and white pepper • Olive oil • 1 medium onion, diced • 2 garlic cloves, minced 58 | September 2021 | happiful.com

• Tomato passata with basil • Pinch of oregano • 15 wholegrain lasagne sheets • 100g butter/spread alternative • 80g flour • 500ml semi-skimmed/ skimmed milk • 220g cheddar cheese, grated Method 1. Preheat the oven to gas mark 6/225°C. 2. In an oven dish, mix the chopped veg, Italian sun-dried tomato mix, and salt and pepper with olive oil, to coat the veg.

Cook in the oven for an hour, or until soft.

3. While the vegetables are roasting, sauté the onion and garlic with olive oil until the onion is translucent. Add the tomato passata, pepper, oregano, and salt to taste.

4. Boil the lasagne sheets for 7 minutes and sieve to drain.

5. Make a Béchamel sauce by melting butter in a saucepan.

Add the flour and milk slowly, whisking until the mixture thickens. Add cheese and pepper to taste.

6. Once veg has cooked, remove from the oven and mix in the tomato passata to make the veggie lasagne base.

7. In another roasting dish, layer as follows: lasagne sheets, Béchamel sauce, vegetables.

Repeat until you get a few layers. Add remaining grated cheese on top.

8. Cook for 30 minutes at gas mark 5/215°C, or until the cheese has browned.

9. Enjoy with a side salad!

food & health

Chicken curry with cumin rice

Find nutritio a n our Hap ist on piful app

Serves: 6 Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 45 minutes Ingredients • Rapeseed oil • 155g onion, diced • 2 garlic cloves, minced • 1–3 bird’s eye chilli, diced (optional) • ¼ tsp turmeric • 2 tsp curry powder (mild– medium, as per taste) • 2 tsp garam masala powder • 360g raw chicken breast, cubed • Pinch of salt • 80g yellow pepper, 80g red pepper, 80g green pepper, diced • 90g carrot, diced • 200g potato, diced • 1 medium tomato, diced • 1 ½ tbsp tomato puree • 30g coriander, chopped • Handful of peas • 3g cumin seeds • 300g basmati rice

of garam masala, and bring to a boil.

6. Boil for approx 20 minutes or until sauce has thickened. Once thickened, add the coriander and peas.

Method 1. In a pan, heat a tablespoon of oil and add the onion and minced garlic. Add the bird’s eye chilli (if using) and sauté until the onion is translucent.

2. Add ¼ tsp turmeric, ¼ tsp curry powder, and ½ tsp garam masala to the pan, and mix well.

3. Add an extra tablespoon of oil, turn up the heat and add the chicken. Add salt to taste.

4. Add the diced vegetables (apart from the peas and coriander).

Add another ½ tsp of garam masala and ¾ tsp of curry powder.

5. Add 650ml of water, the tomato puree, 1 tsp curry powder, 1 tsp

For the rice: 1. Add 1 tbsp of oil and the cumin seeds to a medium-sized pot.

Sauté the cumin seeds over medium-low heat for 1–2 minutes.

2. Add the uncooked rice, stirring for 2–3 minutes to toast.

3. Add enough water to just cover the rice. Place a lid on the pot, turn the heat up, and bring it to boil.

4. Once boiling, turn the heat down low and simmer (with lid) for 15 minutes. Turn off the heat and let the rice sit undisturbed for 10 minutes before lifting the lid.

5. After resting, fluff with a fork, and serve alongside the curry.

The healthy bit This lasagne is loaded with vegetables, meaning there’s lots of fibre and good plant chemicals that our bodies love and need.

Switching to wholegrain lasagne sheets is a great idea, as emerging research shows the importance of fibre, so trying to get it in wherever you can is important for optimal health – most people don’t meet the government’s target of 30g of fibre per day. Remember, when using margarine, opt for one that doesn’t include trans fats – look out for ‘hydrogenated’ or ‘partially hydrogenated oil’, and avoid.

The chicken curry is a healthy twist on the family-favourite takeaway, an Indian chicken curry!

This recipe hits all the right spots without using unhealthy fats and, by adding a load of vegetables into the mix, you ensure you meet at least two of your fivea-day in just one serving. The spice mix used in this recipe is packed full of polyphenols which are increasingly known for their incredible bounty of health benefits.

Rania is a registered dietitian and nutritionist specialising in fertility, PCOS, weight management and chronic conditions. happiful.com | September 2021 | 59

Happiful Partner

Championing mental health in the workplace

Why become a Mental Health First Aider?

• Join a growing community of amazing people supporting the conversation around mental health • Recognise the symptoms of mental ill-health • Help to improve awareness and break down stigma and discrimination • Improve your own mental health and self-care • Virtual courses mean you can train from the comfort of your own home Plus our readers enjoy an exclusive £10 discount off all Happiful MHFA courses when you book through training.happiful.com using the code HAP10 You can hear more about the impact of MHFA training on Happiful’s ‘I am. I have’ podcast, featuring Happiful’s MHFA instructor Matt Holman. Listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

60 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Here’s what our delegates say: A course that really made me reflect. Delivery was excellent, and the instructor makes you feel valued and listened to. They make the course interesting and inclusive by sharing their own experiences. – Sol

I felt very comfortable and in a safe space. Honestly, it was life-changing. – Jamie

The instructor was amazing – so open and personable, and really made the tough subject matters digestible.

It was really engaging, and they created a wonderful space for us to share openly. The course has enthused me even more to shout about mental health, and I feel extremely proud to now be a Mental Health First Aider. – Emma

true story

Embracing my perfectly imperfect self Self-doubt and social anxiety ruled Sheena’s world, until her children became her motivation to push past the fear and step into the next phase of her life Writing | Sheena Tanna-Shah

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hroughout my childhood, I always felt a sense of loneliness and insecurity.

Changing cities and then school a few times, I struggled to make good friends and I never felt like I fitted in. I wasn’t outgoing, confident, or social – and always felt like I wasn’t enough. What added to this was people’s constant comments to stand straighter, to talk slower, and to smile more.

These weren’t one-off comments, they were constantly coming from the people around me, and it gave me long-lasting social anxiety. I made sure I didn’t win anything to avoid walking in front of people in assemblies, it made me fear talking in public, it made me fear being in social settings as I was always afraid of judgement – it even made me fear catching the bus to avoid people watching me find a seat. The only thing that kept me going was my passion for studying.

At 18, after a devastating break-up with a boyfriend, I was diagnosed with depression in my first year at university. I was at my lowest point, and not only nearly quit my degree but my life as well. I didn’t want to carry on, I felt like a failure, and I was starting to become very critical of myself.

Coming from an Indian background, it was really hard to open up about my situation and

what I was going through. I felt like I was letting my parents down, as it was uncommon for situations like mine to be heard of then.

Online support forums and social media wasn’t something I was part of back then, so this period was extremely lonely. I almost felt like there must be something wrong with me. I couldn’t see anyone around me going through what I was, and certainly no one in my culture.

I was studying to become an optometrist but I failed two of my end-year-exams. Before, studying was what had kept me going, so I felt like I had nothing left to give. During the summer break, I retook my exams and luckily passed to continue into my second year. I managed to get my degree and qualified as an optometrist, however, the anxiety still followed me around.

I married when I was 23, and moved to a new location. This triggered my loneliness and insecurity, as I hardly knew anyone and had to start again. I would be sitting in my locked room, crying endlessly as my husband sat on the other side of the door, trying to help me.

I tried to fill the void by booking holidays, dinner dates, and spa days. Even though these made me happy, it was all temporary and I would return to feeling anxious and insecure. >>>

happiful.com | September 2021 | 61

I searched for various therapies, constantly trying to find people to help me shift my mindset and get me to a better place. I used life coaches, counsellors, hypnotherapists, CBT, and it helped to a certain degree. During this period my interest in coaching grew, and I trained to become a life coach and NLP practitioner. My aim was to help other people who may be going through what I was, but my business didn’t start because my own recovery was still in progress.

When I had children at 29, I came to a new crossroads. Motherhood completely overwhelmed me, and my anxiety spiralled.

I found everything a struggle. I found it hard to take my kids out for a walk because I was nervous of people judging me. I found playgroups hard as I saw other mums getting on so easily and confidently. I was a nervous driver as it was but the pressure to go to baby swimming, baby yoga, and everything else I saw others doing, almost tipped me to the edge.

I was a snappy mum, frustrated, low in mood and energy, and this led to each day ending in guilt and tears.

62 | September 2021 | happiful.com

I practised gratitude, and every day I was a little kinder and more patient with myself I knew something had to change. I needed to be an inspiration to my girls, the best mother to them, and strong for myself. I stopped looking at the outside world to fill my needs, stopped looking for temporary fixes and solutions, and started to read and listen to speakers who motivated and inspired me. One of the first books that I read was all to do with meditation, so that’s where I began. I also started to look at my nutrition, and what exercise I was doing.

Everything is connected with the mind and body, so I had to learn to fuel both. I made my inner world and inner focus a constant practice.

I started to step out of my comfort zone, even if it was just having a coffee on my own in public.

I practised gratitude, and every day I was a little kinder and more patient with myself. I started doing things for myself, instead of what I thought the world expected of me. If I wanted an extra rest day, I took it, if I wanted to take the kids for a coffee and cake (a big deal for me in a public space) I took my time, gave it a go, and practised being mindful of our time together. I felt proud

true story

of small achievements like taking the kids to the library, or a play date. Things that were no big deal for some, were a huge deal for me. But these were my achievements and milestones, and I was going to feel proud of my steps. Everyone is on a journey, and this was mine.

I continued to train in various therapies including mindfulness, mediation, and rapid transformation therapy. My company, Inspiring Success, has grown successfully, I also run a plant-based healthy treats business and promote healthy eating through this, and more recently became a published author of the book Perfectly Imperfect Mum.

It was motherhood that truly inspired and motivated me to change. Being a mother is overwhelming, challenging, and stressful, but it’s also rewarding, beautiful, and brings so much joy. I know if my mindset wasn’t strong enough, I would have missed the beautiful moments, and I wouldn’t have been able to provide and be there for them fully – I would be surviving not thriving.

At times, I truly cannot believe how far I’ve come – from sitting on the floor crying daily, not wanting to exist, to running two businesses, being an optometrist, regular public speaker, embracing motherhood, and becoming an author where my book has been featured in national publications.

As a person, I feel so much happier. I still have moments where I am anxious or uncertain but I am much more aware and mindful of those times, and can recover more easily. Finding my inner peace, inner belief, and inner calm helped me embrace my perfectly imperfect self.

OUR EXPERT SAYS In this world impacted by Covid-19 and social media, the pressure can feel overwhelming at times. However, Sheena recognised something incredibly important: change comes from within.

There isn’t one way to move forward, there are many paths. Having the strength to make

the decision to change, and allowing ourselves to be proud of our achievements is a great way to begin the journey to the life you truly deserve.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach

happiful.com | September 2021 | 63

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

September

From accepting yourself, to embracing tranquility when out and about, we share 10 things to do this September

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PAGE-TURNERS You Are Enough: Embrace Your Flaws and Be Happy Being You How often do you find yourself striving for perfection, or comparing yourself to others? Cheryl Rickman’s new book aims to help those who experience imposter syndrome, or who criticise themselves constantly.

Encouraging us to let go of the myth of perfection, You Are Enough is a feel-good action plan to help challenge your inner saboteur. (Out 9 September, Summersdale Publishers, £10.99)

2

OUT AND ABOUT Wellbeing by the Lakes

After so much time indoors, we’ve found the perfect festival set in nature. What’s more, we’ll be there too! Wellbeing by the Lakes has a stunning programme complete with expert talks, workshops, yoga, breathwork, and more. You’ll be able to embrace both the tranquility of the 26-acre surroundings and breathtaking sculptural pieces – and yes, it is as blissful as it sounds! (8–12 September, visit wellbeingbythelakes.co.uk to book tickets)

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness’

Whether you’re simply missing Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness, or you love diving into nuggets of information, the ‘Getting Curious’ podcast is a great way to learn something new. Speaking with experts in their field, Jonathan explores everything from the importance of Pride, to the way animals communicate with one another. (Listen to the podcast on iTunes and Spotify)

PUT ON A SHOW Rounders

A game that all of the family can play, rounders is the classic sunshine pastime. How far can you hit the ball and will it be enough for you to start a run, or even make it all the way back to base?

Gather up everyone’s bags and jackets to act as posts, and carefully choose your teams for an afternoon of cheering one another on.

64 | September 2021 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN Yuki Kawae

Yuki’s soothing videos are a welcome change to the fast-paced feeling of the usual Instagram feed. His sand videos, in which he creates anything from mesmerising circular patterns to satisfying line drawings, offer an almost meditative quality to calm your mind. (Follow @yukikawae on Instagram)

culture

6

TECH TIP-OFFS Kitchen Stories Recipes

Hosting a range of thousands of free recipes, Kitchen Stories Recipes allows you to set up your own profile and save your favourites ready for when you fancy them. With its own cooking mode, the app lets you effortlessly chop, dice, and simmer your way through step-by-step dishes, making dinner time that little bit easier!

(Download from the App Store or Google Play)

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Sex Education

GET GOING Bungee Workouts

A more unusual, but extremely fun exercise class, bungee workouts are taking the world by storm – and prove that bungee cords can be used to create joyous and thoroughly unique workouts. Attached to a cord hanging from the ceiling, bungee workouts will have you using all your muscles. (Search Bungee Workouts to find a class near you)

Back for its much anticipated third season, Sex Education promises a hilarious and uplifting watch.

Tackling relationships of all kinds and following main character Otis and his friends through the trials and tribulations of love, makes for a wonderful way to brighten any day.

(Available on Netflix)

Africology Bath Rituals Set | uk.africologyspa.com

International Happiness at Work Week

Do you dread Mondays? When we are happy at work we are likely to enjoy ourselves outside of work, too. International Happiness at Work Week invites everyone to start conversations about employee wellbeing. (20–26 September, to learn more visit, internationalweekofhappinessatwork.com)

SQUARE EYES

8

THE CONVERSATION

TREAT YOURSELF Africology Bath Rituals Set

Visiting a spa is not always possible in the evening, but who’s to say that you can’t bring the spa to you? With the Africology Bath Rituals Set, complete with bath salts, scrubs, and mud masks, you’ll be all set for a tranquil dip in the tub. A great way to cleanse your body, mind, and soul, the set offers something for everyone. (£18.53, africologyspa.com) Win an Africology Bath Rituals Set

WIN!

For your chance to win a bath set, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of these would you not typically find at a spa? a) Climbing wall

b) Sauna

c) Swimming pool

*Competition closes 16 September 2021. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | September 2021 | 65

Turn Turn it up Turn it up Turnit itup up Step back in time, with these feel-good tracks from across the decades • • • • •

‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, Gerry & the Pacemakers (1963) ‘Feeling Good’, Nina Simone (1965) ‘What a Wonderful World’, Louis Armstrong (1967) ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’, Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell (1967) ‘Here Comes the Sun’, The Beatles (1969)

70s • • • • •

• • • • •

‘Move on Up’, Curtis Mayfield (1970) ‘December 1963 (Oh What a Night)’, Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (1975) ‘Dancing Queen’, Abba (1976) ‘Go Your Own Way’, Fleetwood Mac (1977) ‘I Will Survive’, Gloria Gaynor (1978)

‘You Make My Dreams (Come True)’, Hall & Oates (1981) ‘Come on Eileen’, Dexys Midnight Runners (1982) ‘Sisters Are Doin’ it For Themselves’, Eurythmics, ft. Aretha Franklin (1985) ‘Take On Me’, A-ha (1984) ‘End of the Line’, Traveling Wilburys (1988) • • • • •

• • • • •

‘Movin’ on Up’, Primal Scream (1991) ‘Friday I’m in Love’, The Cure (1992) ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’, Deep Blue Something (1995) ‘Wannabe’, Spice Girls (1996) ‘Brimful of Asha’, Cornershop (1997)

‘Take Your Mama’, Scissor Sisters (2004) ‘Better Together’, Jack Johnson (2005) ‘Put Your Records On’, Corinne Bailey Rae (2006) ‘Pocketful of Sunshine’, Natasha Bedingfield (2007) ‘You Got the Love’, Florence and the Machine (2009)

To listen to this playlist, search for ‘The Happiful Selection: Feel-good through the decades’ on Spotify

66 | September 2021 | happiful.com

wellbeing

How to overcome sick-day guilt

It’s the phone call we all dread – letting your employer know you need a day off sick. But when your body is telling you it needs a break, it’s time to listen.

So, how do we get past the guilt, to get the rest we need to recuperate?

Writing | Katie Conibear

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e all know the feeling; you’ve woken up feeling terrible. You’re too sick to work, but there’s something in the pit of your stomach that stops you from making that call to your boss. You sit there watching the clock – you might even start getting ready to go in or log on – putting off a decision you know you have to make. You don’t want people to think you can’t cope with the job. You feel bad about colleagues having to cover your work, and don’t want to make life more difficult for anyone else. You’re worried that you might be judged for calling in sick, and it’ll affect performance reviews or your chances of that promotion.

Then there are the questions we ask ourselves: “If everyone else can cope without taking time off, why can’t I?”

When we’re ill, we often give in to the pressure to carry on working – whether that’s a perceived external pressure, or the expectations and standards we set for ourselves. It’s easy to fall into this trap when we have deadlines to meet, work on commission, or have a team that relies on us. Whether it’s a physical or mental illness, pressure to keep going can make us feel 10 times worse. But it’s time to put that unnecessary guilt in its place – here are four things to help you do just that.

Is it a parent, a boss, or just a limiting belief that somehow we think we are supposed to be super human rather than listening to our body?”

1. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF I asked life coach Clare Percival how to overcome sick-day guilt.

Her thoughts? “I would ask, where does that guilty voice stem from?

We need to learn to be vulnerable, and to show that we’re not OK – even if our inner critic doesn’t like it. But the truth is it’s nothing to be ashamed of. >>>

Being honest with yourself that you need a break can make you stronger, and healthier, in the long run

happiful.com | September 2021 | 67

Being honest with yourself that you need a break can make you stronger, and healthier, in the long run. Convincing ourselves we must go into work, that we’re letting people down, that we’re letting ourselves down, avoids focusing on the real issue. Plus, hiding behind a mask can be exhausting – and it’s bound to slip at some point. Clare sums it up: “Listen to your body. It knows what is best, and it is trying to tell you something important.”

2. REEVALUATE YOUR GOALS AND WORKLOAD If you’re unwell, but believe that a sick-day is out of the question because you can’t possibly miss a day of work, it could be time to take a closer look at what’s on your plate. The world shouldn’t stop if you need a day or two to recover, and if it feels like it will, it might even be the level of responsibility on your plate contributing to your poor health.

Ask yourself: is what I want to do realistic? Will I burn out, or make myself ill trying to achieve it? Am I setting myself up for 68 | September 2021 | happiful.com

disappointment if I don’t reach my goal? Or is it a case of realistic goals, but overwhelming myself by trying to achieve too many things all at once? If the answer is yes to any of these, it could be worth reevaluating whether pushing yourself like this is worth it – more often than not, the answer will be no. And if that’s the case, it could be time to speak to your boss, HR, or colleagues about your workload and any

support you need. Working until you burn out shouldn’t be a goal, or something that should earn anyone praise. Our number one goal should be to stay healthy.

3. WE ALL STRUGGLE Deep down, everyone struggles for one reason or another, whether they like to admit it or not. Looking like you’re always keeping it together isn’t reality.

Everyone has a persona they

wellbeing

Working until you burn out shouldn’t be a goal, or something that should earn anyone praise. Our number one goal should be to stay healthy

try to keep up, to an extent. If you live with a chronic illness, a disability, or both, it can feel like sick-days come around more than your colleagues, and guilt could be a factor in whether you take that much-needed day off. But it’s important to remember that everyone will have a time when they struggle mentally, physically, or both. And when that voice of self-doubt rises up, just consider, would you judge someone else for needing a sick-day? Treat yourself with that same compassion you’d show your colleagues.

4. IT’S NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS Most of us have worked with an ‘office gossip’. They love to let everyone know how you were off last week, again. These words make us feel ashamed, guilty, and inadequate. But just because you feel unwell, it doesn’t make you weak-minded.

“When you’re not feeling 100%, your inner critic voice kicks in – the negative self-talk that feeds off a poorly you, and has been lying dormant waiting for a moment to come out and play

Get past the guilt Life coach Clare Percival suggests digging deeper and asking yourself questions that shift your focus to help put the decision to take a day off in a new, guilt-free light: • What are the benefits of taking a sick-day?

• How would I feel if I passed on an illness to my work colleagues?

in your mind, and tell you those guilty thoughts,” Clare Percival explains. Taking time off shows you value your health and your colleagues. It’s the responsible thing to do, especially if you’re potentially infectious or your job involves caring for others. So, remember, listening to your mind and body when it needs a breather isn’t just for your own benefit, it’s the most selfless thing you can do.

• Why am I not prioritising my health?

• What is really making me feel guilty?

• How will my performance improve at work and home from taking time off now to recover compared to keeping going?

• Would my world collapse if I don’t go in?

• How much better would I feel by investing in myself and my health?

Katie Conibear is a writer who blogs at stumblingmind.com. Her first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

Clare Percival is a life and executive function coach. Find out more at lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 69

up Picking the pieces What is it that makes a simple jigsaw puzzle such an effective mindfulness practice?

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t’s the rainy day classic that became a lockdown essential, and while there’s nothing new about puzzles (the first jigsaw is thought to have been created in 1762), many of us are just starting to realise the potentially mindful boost that comes with putting the pieces of a puzzle together.

Picture this: you’ve got the whole of the day ahead of you, no commitments, no meetings, no chores – the time is yours. So you sit down with a puzzle. There’s no rush, no deadline and, piece by piece, a beautiful picture starts to form in front of you. It’s a homey, mindful scene but, in lockdown, hobbies like puzzling took on a whole new meaning.

“I was furloughed in April 2020, and it struck me that I had all this extra time and nothing to fill it with,” Jody Kenny tells us, as she reflects on when she discovered her passion for puzzles. “I hadn’t long moved to a new town to be closer to work, but it meant I’d moved away from family – I didn’t realise how difficult it would be to occupy every minute of the day.”

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Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Jodie started off with some jigsaw apps on her phone, before digging out some puzzles she’d had for years, but had never opened.

“I get deep into doing jigsaws, and time tends to fly. I hyperfocus on tasks because I have Asperger’s, but the concentration needed specifically to complete jigsaws took my mind away from being alone,” she explains.

There’s much more to those oddly shaped pieces of joy than meets the eye “The puzzle piece has long been used as a symbol of autism, but it doesn’t have positive connotations in the autistic community, because it’s thought that autistic people are puzzles that need to be fixed,” Jodie explains. “Doing jigsaws has re-wired my brain into believing that the puzzle isn’t broken because it’s not complete,

but rather it’s one small piece that makes up the whole. Jigsaws have helped me to accept myself.”

Echoing the wellbeing benefits of jigsaws, James Edwards, cofounder of Piece & Quiet puzzles, is passionate about their holistic value. “Jigsaw puzzles are making a comeback, and there’s much more to those oddly shaped pieces of joy than meets the eye,” he says. And that comeback is taking place on a huge scale, with the Guardian reporting that UK sales of jigsaws totalled £100 million in 2020, up 38% on the previous year. So what’s behind the draw to simple pastimes like puzzles?

James thinks he knows and, here, he breaks down some of the major wellbeing benefits:

1. Improving brain function and memory The oh-so-satisfying act of successfully placing a puzzle piece does more than just get you one step closer to finishing your piece of art. It actually encourages the production of dopamine, a chemical in the brain that contributes to learning, brain health, and memory.

Win a Piece & Quiet mindfulness pack For your chance to win a Piece & Quiet jigsaw puzzle, candle, and adult colouring book, simply send your answer to the following riddle to competitions@happiful.com: What word gets shorter when you add two letters?

2. Time away from screens

3. Increased cognitive ability

An article in the Independent investigated the time an adult will spend looking at screens in their lifetime, and it doesn’t make for good reading. They found that, on average, British adults were spending more than 13 hours a day looking at screens – that equates to more than 200 days a year.

We are huge advocates for anything which helps to get this number down, and that gives us the opportunity to take the time to be present in the moment, and what better way to do that than with an artistic jigsaw puzzle?

Jigsaw puzzles are proven to exercise the mind, boosting cognition and visual-spatial reasoning, but they’ve also been shown to increase creativity and productivity. The science behind why jigsaws are so effective at kicking your brain into gear is that they engage both the left (analytical) and the right (creative) side of the brain.

4. Reducing stress and anxiety Exercising both sides of the brain simultaneously has other benefits too. It allows brainwaves to move from a ‘beta’ state into an ‘alpha’

Competition closes 16 September.

UK and NI entries only. Good luck!

state – the same state activated for dreaming, and where our subconscious comes into play – in other words, the mindful side.

When times get tough, it’s remarkable what taking things back to basics can do for our mindset, and the rise in the popularity of jigsaw puzzles is the perfect example of this principle in action. So, whether you’re ready to dive into a 1,000-piece whopper, or want to start simple, it could be time to pick up the pieces of good wellbeing. happiful.com | September 2021 | 71

Ask the experts: suicide Counsellor Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska answers your questions on suicide

Q

How can I support someone experiencing suicidal thoughts?

A

It’s best to stay calm and collected, and remember they are talking to you for a reason. It is really important that we react with empathy, not shock or panic, and do not close the conversation down. It is then about supporting the person with regular check-ins and not forgetting about them. Kindness and care go a long way.

Q A

Is suicidal ideation something people can recover from?

Yes, with time, space, and the right support. Therapy is one option, but we also need to consider someone’s support network. If they struggle to identify someone they can confide in, which helplines are they comfortable accessing until their next therapy session, or when they are experiencing suicidal thoughts?

Q

A friend makes jokes about suicide and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Should I confront them?

A

If something makes you uncomfortable, it is always best to say something.

For example, “When you joke about suicide it makes me feel uncomfortable,” and then just leave a space for them to respond.

It could be they are covering up suicidal feelings of their own, or they do not understand how hurtful jokes like that are. It is always best to be honest and tell someone how you feel.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

wellbeing

SUPPORT LINES • Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them on jo@samaritans.org • The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a line for men, and is open from 5pm–midnight: 0800 58 58 58 • Papyrus supports young people under 35 years old. Call them on 0800 068 41 41 • Shout offers a crisis text line. Text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258

Suicide Prevention D a is 10 Septem y b Reach out to er. around you, those an in the conve d join rsation online.

Q

I sometimes see people post worrying things on social media.

Should I step in?

A

A check-in message or phone call will never hurt – something simple like, “Hey, I saw your post, is everything OK?” To care about someone, we need to let them know we care. It could just be that simple message that helps someone to challenge their thoughts and not feel alone.

You can always report a post to the social media platform if you are really worried, but they may just remove the post and not offer support to the individual.

If the person doesn’t reply, look to see if any family are connected to their profile – you could contact them through the platform. If you feel someone is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask the police for help.

Read more about Naomi Watkins-Ligudzinska on counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | September 2021 | 73

10 things things you you 10 need to to know know need about PCOS PCOS about It’s thought one in 10 women suffer with polycystic ovary syndrome, yet more than half may not have any symptoms at all. With PCOS awareness month taking place in September, Jenna Farmer shines a spotlight on the condition Writing | Jenna Farmer

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or those who menstruate, periods might be something we don’t take much notice of. Some may find their 28-day cycle runs like clockwork, yet others struggle with irregular periods which can differ in the flow and length, or have cycles that vary from the average time. And while irregular periods may be normal for you and can happen for all sorts of reasons, one possible cause is polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

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PCOS is a common endocrine disorder that affects the way the ovaries work. It’s thought to affect one in 10 women, yet many may not even know they have it, with the condition often only coming to light when they’re investigated for irregular periods, or sometimes if they’re trying to start a family. So although it’s reasonably common, there’s still a lot we don’t yet know about PCOS. Here, we’ll set the record straight with some key facts.

food & health

St u d i e s s h o w t h a t the majority of those with PCOS who wish PCOS doesn’t stop you conceiving a child

The 2021 Fertility Journey Survey showed that 49% of those taking part didn’t actually realise they had PCOS until they started trying to conceive.

Since PCOS often diagnosed during fertility investigations, many worry it will impact their ability to conceive. Himanshu Borase, fertility specialist and consultant gynaecologist at Herts Fertility, says: “One third of those I see at fertility clinics have PCOS. One of the reasons that PCOS patients struggle is that they may not be releasing an egg regularly.”

Releasing eggs to ovulate is what is needed to conceive.

However, studies show that the majority of those with PCOS who wish to have children do go on to do so, many without needing fertility treatment.

t o h a v e c h i l d re n d o go on to do so, many without needing f e r t i l i t y t re a t m e n t You don’t actually have cysts on your ovaries with PCOS

Despite the name, your ovaries aren’t covered with cysts like you might imagine. Instead, the cysts often refer to harmless follicles. People with PCOS have more follicles than those who don’t, and these follicles are often unable to release an egg.

While they may look ‘cyst-like’, they aren’t true cysts – they don’t behave like cysts in that they won’t burst or grow bigger, and aren’t in any way linked to more serious conditions, such as ovarian cancer. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 75

PCOS can affect your hair and skin

People with PCOS are more likely to develop diabetes

We don’t know the exact cause of PCOS

PCOS can be linked to your mental health

We often talk about PCOS in relation to periods, but the condition can affect your hair and skin as well. This is because women with PCOS have excess androgen – in other words higher levels of male hormones in your body, which can manifest in ways such as an increase in facial hair.

Studies have shown PCOS can result in hair and skin problems, such as hair loss, acne, and seborrhea (a red itchy skin rash with white scales).

PCOS is thought to run in families, so you’re more likely to develop it if a close relative has PCOS, too. However, that doesn’t mean it’s simply genetic.

Other factors are linked to PCOS as well, including high levels of insulin in the body.

“People with PCOS are often insulin resistant, which means your body does not effectively utilise the insulin you produce,” explains nutritional therapist Rachel Larkin. “The body may try to increase the levels of insulin it produces to keep your blood sugar levels normal. Higher levels of insulin can lead to an increase of testosterone, which may disrupt the hormonal balance and exacerbate PCOS symptoms.”

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Insulin resistance is why PCOS is also linked to diabetes. A recent study published in Human Reproduction Open that followed women with PCOS showed that around 19% of participants went on to develop type 2 diabetes, compared to just 1% of the control group. While this means it’s certainly not inevitable, if you experience any symptoms of diabetes it’s really important to make an appointment to speak with your GP.

Like many long-term health conditions, PCOS can impact both your mental and physical health.

A study by the University of Cardiff found women with PCOS were more likely to be diagnosed with mental health conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. While another study in the Journal of Pharmacy & BioAllied Sciences showed that 40% of those with PCOS can experience depression.

There are a few reasons why that may be. PCOS is driven by hormones, so the altered hormonal levels may impact mental health. It may also be due to the stress and worry of living with PCOS – the unpredictable nature of periods, or undergoing fertility treatment to conceive.

Those with PCOS still need to use contraceptives

While having an irregular cycle could make trying for a baby more tricky, those with PCOS can still fall pregnant – so if that’s not on your agenda, contraception is important. The contraceptive pill is often used as this can also help regulate cycles in those with PCOS, but it may take some experimenting to find one that works best for you.

“There is evidence that combined pills are beneficial for women with PCOS due to the oestrogen, which counteracts high testosterone levels and improves symptoms such as acne,” explains GP and medical director of The Lowdown, Dr Frances Yarlett.

“However the progestogen part of the combined pill can also help to improve symptoms.”

food & health

“Women with PCOS don’t burn off as much weight, even when they’re eating exactly the same amount of food compared to weight match controls,” explains Professor Colin Duncan of the University of Edinburgh.

Remember though, your value is not determined by a number on a scale.

PCOS symptoms may not disappear with the menopause

PCOS is usually diagnosed in premenopausal women, but just because you stop having periods doesn’t necessarily mean your PCOS will stop. For those embarking on the menopause, it also brings additional challenges as symptoms can be similar.

Whether you’re looking to regulate periods, or are trying to start a family, be sure to speak to your GP for support and advice on managing PCOS.

A low-carbohydrate diet might help

Given what we know about the role of insulin in PCOS there are studies that show following a lowcarbohydrate diet may help with this. But why?

“Reducing refined carbs can help manage blood sugar, and also help with weight loss. Replacing refined carbohydrates with lower GI, high fibre options can slow down digestion and the release of glucose into the bloodstream,” says nutritionist Rachel Larkin.

PCOS can cause weight gain

When insulin resistance occurs, the body produces higher levels than normal. This causes ovaries to produce too much testosterone, which can impact or prevent ovulation. This cycle happens to women with PCOS, and the extra insulin in the body can lead to weight gain, with studies showing that between 40–80% of women with PCOS are ‘overweight’. But, it’s important not to feel at blame for this.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Rachel Larkin is a nutritional therapist and NLP practitioner. Find out more about PCOS support, and get in touch with Rachel via nutritionist-resource.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 77

5 things you should know about group therapy Could group therapy be right for you? Here’s what really goes on during sessions Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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oing what it says on the tin, group therapy is a psychological therapy that takes place in a group setting, rather than oneto-one. Available on the NHS and privately, these sessions bring together people with similar problems, to create a supportive, inclusive environment.

But what actually happens in them? Here, with the help of counsellor Nicola Ockwell, we explore five key questions about group therapy.

What happens during a session?

Though each group will vary slightly, they tend to have between five and 15 members, and last for about an hour once a week.

“There are many different types of group therapy that target specific problems – such as anger, anxiety, addiction, depression, and bereavement to name a few,” Nicola explains.

“They can be, but not always, run by qualified therapists, so the therapist or facilitator can support the group, as well as 78 | Septemeber 2021 | happiful.com

Illustration | Rosan Magar

the group supporting each other – with the group becoming their own therapists, in a way.”

Nicola explains that most sessions will start with a ‘checkin’, and finish with a ‘check-out’, bringing together everyone’s thoughts for the day – and it’s common for the group to agree a contract, e.g. approaching sessions with openness and honesty.

Members encourage each other to share views constructively, which can be useful for anyone wanting to challenge or change their behaviour patterns.

“This also allows individuals to try different methods of communication, as well as experimenting with new skills and strategies already learnt in a safe, non-judgemental arena.”

Why do people attend?

Who goes to group therapy?

People attend therapy for a plethora of reasons, but the key reason someone might choose to go to a group session is for the safe, unifying space where they can connect with others going through similar things.

“Using a collaborative approach is the ideal environment for working with CBT techniques such as worksheets, flip charts, and exercises to generate discussion,” Nicola says. “The activities will be designed to enable candidates to examine their current behaviour, so they can explore and contrast against each other.

“The group tends to be quite a cathartic space for all involved.

“Those who are ready to work on their particular issue, and are open to sharing their thoughts, and feelings within a group dynamic, will benefit from group therapy,” says Nicola. She highlights how group therapy may also be more accessible than oneto-one sessions, with many taking place in the evenings and being more affordable.

“Some people may find this form of therapy less daunting, as they are not alone and feel the support from group members,” Nicola continues. “It can be a great place to meet new people in similar circumstances, so it can be a safe environment where you can gain

wellbeing

confidence in social situations, and also find validation in other’s perspectives.”

What are the challenges?

While there are plenty of benefits to attending group therapy, it’s also worth being aware of the unique challenges to decide if it’s the right option for you.

“This environment might be difficult if you have issues with speaking in front of people you don’t know well,” Nicola explains.

“Sharing difficult emotions won’t be easy, but this improves as you start to know other group members better. No one should feel they have to speak if they don’t want to.”

Nicola also states that group therapy is not advisable for those who are suicidal, in crisis, or experiencing psychosis – as these conditions need professional help via a GP or psychiatrist.

What are the benefits?

“It’s a good place to get to know others and yourself, to try out different techniques with the group first, and then implement them into your world outside of the group,” Nicola says.

“It might be daunting initially, but the benefits can be fruitful and you might gain some friends as well! Group therapy can be as effective as individual therapy sessions, and can also provide a sense of belonging.”

If you struggle with feelings of isolation, this unique environment could be a good option for you. And beyond that, you could help someone else, too.

“Sharing experiences and listening to each other’s narrative can be beneficial, helping members to evaluate their

own thoughts, feelings and behaviours, leading to greater self-development,” Nicola says.

“This stimulating and challenging environment can be mutually beneficial, where new ideas and ways of being can be observed, as well as experimenting with new skills and strategies already learnt in a safe, non-judgemental arena – which can feel both rewarding and supportive.”

Nicola Ockwell is a counsellor with experience working with groups. Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 79

80 | September 2021 | happiful.com

Do

yourself

proud Learn how to let go of self-deprecation, and instead talk positively about your achievements Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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ost of us have been there: you are introduced to someone new as, “A talented writer/accountant/ marketer/musician” etc. Rather than accept the compliment, chances are you swiftly downplay your strengths, and feel a little embarrassed. But why are we so quick to respond this way when we talk about our achievements?

It’s a scenario that’s very familiar to me. Anxiety about sharing my successes has meant I’ve missed out on opportunities, including a promotion at work and celebrating good news with friends. It also made it harder for me to see myself in a positive light, increasing my feelings of imposter syndrome and affecting my self-confidence.

Eventually, I realised I needed to start talking about myself in a better way – from challenging the perfectionist mindset that had me doubting my abilities to overcoming anxieties about seeming boastful.

Acknowledging successes to ourselves

To help understand why many of us struggle to talk positively about our achievements – and what we can do to change this – I spoke to life coach Denise Bosque.

“Often, when we receive a compliment we feel awkward, as if we don’t deserve it, thinking, ‘after all, it’s only me’,” explains Denise. “This thinking is prevalent in our culture, and is limiting to both our self-esteem, and our confidence. Deep down,

we usually think we aren’t good enough, as if the good piece of work we did was more of a ‘fluke’ than our efforts.”

Denise’s words ring true for me. Whenever I receive a compliment, my mind jumps to why it isn’t true. I think about the faults or the mistakes I’ve made, and almost feel like a fraud for being congratulated.

This perfectionist mindset makes it harder to accept praise or to share successes, because I’m too focused on the reasons I feel I don’t deserve it.

But having the confidence to talk positively about our achievements to others can become easier when we start to acknowledge these successes to ourselves. “People worry so much about what other people might think,” says Denise. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 81

“We have to approve of ourselves first, instead of waiting for validation outside of ourselves.”

“Often, when we receive a compliment we feel awkward, as if we don’t deserve it “ Taking Denise’s advice, I try to approve of myself first. I take some time to look back through some of my work, and make a point of acknowledging the positives in what I see. I also 82 | September 2021 | happiful.com

think about my successes, reading through my published writing. I surprise myself by enjoying the experience and, by the end of it, I’m struck by how I feel more positively about myself as a writer.

The rejections that come with a writing life seem less important, less dominating, as I acknowledge the positives.

Try taking time to acknowledge your own successes. Set aside half an hour or so and write a list of your achievements. At first, it may feel challenging or forced, but as you get going you may find the words flow. Include things that might seem small, but are still important to you. This act

of self-approval can boost your confidence and, in turn, makes it easier to then share your successes with others.

Denise assures me that the more we start to talk more positively about ourselves, the easier it gets. “Your light will begin to shine, and people will take notice,” she says. “Also, you are more likely to be seen as a person who is capable and confident, putting you in the forefront for any promotions.

Each time we do this, our selfworth grows along with our confidence.” Talking positively about ourselves and being open about our successes can help us feel better within ourselves, as well as open doors to new

positive pointers

“ All our self-worth and esteem should be sky-high, so that we ride the disappointments and the glories with ease ” opportunities. And sometimes it can be the simple joy of getting to celebrate something we’re proud of with others.

should be sky-high, so that we ride the disappointments and the glories with ease.”

Overcome worries about boasting

Denise recommends that we rehearse accepting a compliment or saying we did something well to ourselves. It may feel a little awkward practising this, but it’ll help it to become second nature.

It also helps affirm this positive idea in our mind, making us more confident in the words we’re saying, so we really believe in them.

I follow Denise’s advice and try talking through my successes to myself. Sure, it does feel a little strange, but there is also something nice about acknowledging these positives.

Afterwards, I go out for dinner with friends. I’m nervous about sharing some recent good career news. The usual doubts niggle in my mind: “What if they think I’m boasting, or dominating the conversation? What if I’m not actually good enough?” But then I think about how important this news is to me, and how hard I’ve worked for it. I think about times these friends have told me their own good news, and how

So how can we approach taking this next step? One of the main worries I have about sharing successes is that it’ll seem like I’m showing off. “A much better way to think about receiving a compliment is that you are being honest, and it’s OK to acknowledge that you also thought you did a good job. It doesn’t mean it’s boastful, it’s confident,” says Denise. “This is resilience, and very necessary to lead a balanced life. As humans, we are supposed to be growing, doing our best, and recognising our strengths and weaknesses.”

Many of us worry about seeming boastful and the need to be modest. But maybe we’re too focused on that concern, to the point where we devalue our successes. “We feel it’s ‘bad’ to sound like we are boasting and being big-headed – particularly women. It’s conditioning,” Denise tells me.

“All our self-worth and esteem

Trying it out

I’ve always felt happy for them and glad to be able to share in their successes. Maybe it’ll be the same for me?

So I give it a go. I tell them my good news. I don’t add a caveat of, “But I also had lots of rejections!” I don’t apologise. I don’t do anything to diminish what I’m saying.

And the result? Genuine smiles and congratulations. They ask me more about it, and I actually enjoy this opportunity to talk about my passion. I thank them for their compliments, and resist the usual urge to be overly modest. Afterwards, I like I’ve not just shared good news, but I’ve shared something of myself – something important to me with people that I care about. And it’s a wonderful feeling.

Denise Bosque is a life coach, clinical hypnotherapist, master NLP practitioner, EMDR practitioner, and mindfulness teacher. Find out more by visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 83

Phrases to de-escalate conflict When emotions are running high, how we express ourselves can help keep difficult conversations productive and kind. Try using these phrases to keep the peace, without neglecting your needs

I don’t feel comfortable responding to that now, I need some time to think it over

My understanding of what you’re saying is…

I appreciate that you’re willing to have this conversation with me

that I set It’s important nd that boundaries, a em you respect th saying Does what I’m ble a sound reason to you?

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Is this something that we need to agree on?

I’m curious as to why you feel that way?

I would prefe r to return to th is conversation when we’re both fe eling less emotiona l

I’m here to listen to you, and then I would like you to listen to me

I would prefer it if we both tried to keep a calm tone during this talk

relationships

Family matters

Family bonds often run the deepest, which is why it’s all the more painful when they break down. Here, with the help of a counsellor, we explore how to navigate difficult family relationships Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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amilies: they’re not always easy. Separation, blended households, addictions, mental illness, money problems, betrayal, expectations, communication, or simply clashing personalities – there is an unlimited number of reasons why relationships might break down.

“Families bring us joy, and better health and wellbeing, but they can also be the source of distress,” says counsellor Pam Custers.

“Navigating family life is a process of being able to create a healthy connection that can tolerate challenges, without destroying the intimate connections that families bring – those of love, respect, and support.”

As Pam explains, when family relationships are good, they can bring us a plethora of benefits,

including improving our ability to cope with stress, boosting our self-esteem, and encouraging us to engage in healthy behaviours.

Strong bonds uplift us, playing a huge role in our daily lives, even operating unconsciously under the surface.

“We are literally wired to connect to our family,” Pam says.

“This bonding process develops through both our relationships with our partner and children, with what is termed ‘the parental caregiver attachment’. We are able to see via brain scans that, when we are with our loved ones, our anxiety levels reduce and we start producing feel-good hormones. So when these close relationships are in a state of flux, we will be physically and mentally impacted.”

But in addition to what’s happening on a psychological level, there’s also a lot of social pressure that comes with family life. Films, TV shows, novels, and advertisements all play on ideals about family structures and relationships, let alone other cultural values that many of us have faced throughout our lives.

With all this to contend with, the ‘right way’ to run a family can become a sticking point.

“Couples inevitably come from different family operating systems,” Pam says. “There can often be a clash in how they both wish ‘their’ family to operate. Finding a way to co-create a way that ‘their’ family will operate is part of the process of creating their own legacy for their children. >>> happiful.com | September 2021 | 85

Our families bring us joy, and better health and wellbeing, but they can also be the source of distress “A lack of communication can also get in the way of strong family relationships. Often we presume we understand or know what the other person is thinking – learning to listen carefully is something many people struggle with. We need to be able to discuss sensitive topics. Conflict is normal but, without good listening and understanding, we can become stuck.”

When conflict escalates, it can sometimes result in the total breakdown of communication.

According family estrangement charity Stand Alone, 8% of people surveyed had cut contact with a family member, leading the organisation to predict that this translates to at least five million people in the UK, with one in five families affected.

Going ‘no contact’ is, for some, the healthiest decision. But that isn’t to say it’s easy, and Stand Alone provides help for those who are struggling with this. More broadly, you can also search for support groups in your local area and online – for everything from caring for elderly parents, to blended families, those touched by addiction, and more.

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relationships

Keeping the peace Pam Custers’ tips for smoothing out conflict within your family: 1. Try having “we” conversations. “How should we tackle this problem?”

This builds and strengthens connections.

2. Be flexible.

3. Make time to communicate. Not just to talk, but also to listen.

4. Keep a sense of humour.

5. Make kindness a central value in your family.

If things take a turn for the worse, considering all those expectations we have to contend with, it’s easy to see how the breakdown of a familial relationship can come with a degree of shame – as it appears everyone around you is getting it consistently right. But the truth is, that’s probably not the case.

“We all go into family life with our own sense of how it should be,” says Pam. “And so we can become disillusioned when the idealised version of family life is not the reality. Relationships are messy, and we need to be able to ride the waves. Behind all those white picket fences, there are families who are also going through challenging times.

Keeping expectations realistic takes the pressure off family dynamics.”

In the UK, ‘family’ has many different variations. According to gov.uk statistics, between 2014 and 2020, there were 2.4 million separated families in Great Britain, and when the ONS last ran an analysis in 2009, 9% of all children in England and Wales, 1.1 million, were living with a stepfamily. The reality

is no two families are the same, and releasing the pressure to present a ‘perfect family’ could be an important step in letting go of relationships that are damaging.

What can’t be addressed with mutual compassion and a willingness to listen, could be aided with family counselling or group therapy. You may also want to spend some time reflecting on your relationship with the idea of family, and the role that then plays in how you make decisions going forward. Truthfully, very few people’s situations match a perfect deck of ‘Happy Families’, but we’re complex human beings, not neat illustrations. We go through tough times. We learn, evolve, and – with the right support – flourish.

Pam Custers is the founder of The Relationship Practice, and specialises in supporting clients to create relationships that thrive.

Find out more by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk happiful.com | September 2021 | 87

RISE UP WITH

SELF LOVE Nearly 1 in 2 people feel more self-doubt than self-love.* We believe that Self Love is our superpower and it’s time to act.

Join the uprising at www.thebodyshop.com

*A global report conducted by The Body Shop between November 22 and December 8, 2020 across 21 countries. To find out more go to www.thebodyshop.com All rights reserved Absolutely no reproduction without the permission of the owners

88 | September 2021 ©| happiful.com 2021 The Body Shop International Limited

memory lane

One Hundred Years: That’s life We speak to Jenny Lewis, the portrait photographer who captured images of 100 people from ages 0–100, about the things ageing teaches us about life Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

A

roko is a one year old, and doesn’t have much to say. “Daddy.” reads the quote next to his portrait – the second in a lineup of photographs spanning the ages 0–100. The collection is the latest endeavour by portrait photographer Jenny Lewis, who has spent the past three years capturing people in her local community of Hackney, in London – the results published in a book, One Hundred Years: Portraits of a community aged 0–100. On the pages, next to striking, candid shots, subjects share revealing quotes and short stories from their lives, each one as touching as the next.

“I had spent five years working with women the day they had a baby, another five years

photographing artists in their studios, and I suppose I lifted my head from these two long-term projects and wondered what else was going on at the other two ends of the timeline,” says Jenny, as she points to where the project began. “Looking back, I may have also been questioning my own mortality, and the vulnerability of being human. A few close friends my age had died of cancer, and my dad had been very ill. I also had come to terms with my own autoimmune disease, rheumatoid arthritis, so I think I may have just wanted to figure out what was possibly coming next, and to

Aroko

reflect on what had passed. I’m in my late 40s now, so it felt like a good time to look around and find out how other people were managing.”

It’s a natural journey, one that many people may be able to relate to – when we experience bereavement, trauma, and grief, we might find ourselves reflecting on our lives, our priorities, and our hopes, desires, and goals. A sentiment that is perfectly, and simply, captured by Jenny’s 49-year-old subject Shana. >>>

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Their lives can move f rom extreme arcs of happiness to sadness, and the other way round, but they do find a way through it

Shana

“I’ve had five brain surgeries. I chose to do life. For my children, for me, for people around me, I chose to do life. I have found that by doing so, life is great,” she says.

“It seems it really isn’t about age,” Jenny explains, when asked what the process of creating One Hundred Years taught her.

“Everyone is on a unique journey, and at different stages at different times. But I was surprised, I suppose, at how interested and interesting the older subjects were – and at their enjoyment of life – as much as the youngsters surprised me at how articulate they could be, and their understanding of who they were at such an early age. I felt you could learn so much from anyone.

People are always so much more than you might think.”

“I’m happiest when hanging out with my best mate, Stanley,” reads the quote next to 14-year-

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old Arran, who is just one of many examples of such insight.

“The more you’ve been through, the harder it gets to carry alone, and when you have someone that knows you as well as me and Stanley know each other, you can share that weight.”

That gentle resilience in Arran’s example is a theme Jenny quickly began to spot throughout her subjects. “Their lives can move from extreme arcs of happiness to sadness, and the other way round, but they do find a way through it,” she says. “Some of the stories are of strength, or difficult childhoods, but seeing the joy that can be found later was incredibly inspiring. The strength of the project is the people in it, but I didn’t know what they were going to talk about till we started talking, which made me realise there’s always something bubbling underneath the surface.”

Hyacinth

memory lane

Leo

‘I never really exp erienced anxiety until I was 24. I was so conf ident, then suddenly I’m like this anxious mess, and now I’m, like, f reaking o u t . I t ’ s w e i rd . I t h i n k m a y b e i t ’ s a lot to do with fear of the future. It’s a b i g s h i f t i n e n e r g y o r s o m e t h i n g .’

– Leo, 26 years old

When asked if she had a favourite subject, Jenny’s answer was a firm “absolutely not”. For her, they all came together to build something stronger: “The portrait of a community, with 100 faces, but all part of the same thing.

“Photographing and interviewing someone is quite an intimate act.

Working on this series, I really got a sense that there are no strangers, just people you haven’t had the time to get to know yet,” Jenny says. “I love spending time with new people, and seeing them open up and share a little of themselves.

I enjoy the listening, and they seem to enjoy the collaboration. I want more of this, please… More human interaction. It’s the energy we need to stay interested in each other. The more you talk to people you don’t know, the more it feels natural, and what’s better than a conversation where you have no idea where it will lead?”

But as well as the profound, the philosophical, and the unexpected, the seemingly mundane aspects of the human experience shine through emotively, as demonstrated by many of the subjects, including 88-year-old Hyacinth: “I used to love dancing. I used to go to six dances in one night and then not get up till three on a Sunday. Then I reached an age where I say, this is not for me. Take it easy.”

Life is often far from linear.

We go down side paths, make leaps forward, and perhaps take steps back again. In One Hundred Years, each story comes together to create one journey, a human journey, and Jenny wants to take readers there – as she did herself.

“Listen to the voices, stories, and opinions that may trigger memories and reflections of your own lives, or open up new ways of thinking,” Jenny says. “I want

to encourage people to drop the prejudices we all carry and how we guess what people are like from just looking at them – you have to make time to listen.”

‘One Hundred Years: Portraits of a community aged 0–100’ by Jenny Lewis (Hoxton Mini Press) is out now.

happiful.com | September 2021 | 91

Creative activities to plot your life Carve out some time to reflect on where your happiness lies, with these practical tasks Writing | Caroline Butterwick

W

hether it’s to celebrate a milestone, or if you just want to take some time to reflect, there are lots of creative activities we can do to revisit our memories.

The following are great ways to explore the things that we have experienced so far – they can help us plot our lives and assess where our happiness lies, and think about what we would like to take with us as we look ahead.

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Start a scrapbook or create a collage

Do you have drawers full of yellowing ticket stubs from gigs you’ve enjoyed, or postcards collected over the years? A scrapbook is a wonderful way of making the most of these mementoes. Spend some time organising them into themes – maybe those that relate to a holiday, or which you associate with friendships – and then have fun pasting them onto the pages.

There are great resources online on how to get started with scrapbooking if you need some inspiration, such as everything-about-scrapbooking.com.

Alternatively, you could make a

collage that captures a time in your life, perhaps incorporating other items such as newspaper cuttings that resonate with you. As you put together your scrapbook or collage, think about why these items matter to you, perhaps writing reflections about the things you’re including.

Keep what you make safe so you can look back at it whenever you want a reminder of the people and places you care about.

Craft a creative family tree

Most of us are familiar with the idea of a family tree that traces our relatives, but how about crafting a creative family tree?

This is a fun activity to do with a child, and can be a way of

memory lane

Think about what you would like to leave in the past, and what you would like to take forward thinking about what the people in our lives mean to us, and treasuring those relationships.

To start, sketch out a tree on a large sheet of paper, with branches that represent your relationship to each family member, writing their names in the appropriate place.

Next, draw or write things that you associate with each person by their name. Maybe a delicious apple crumble comes to mind when you think of your aunt, or relaxing on the beach with your cousin.

Of course, not all family relationships are easy, and not all associations positive. If that’s the case, you may decide to focus your tree on those who you feel positively towards, reminding yourself of all the good in your life. Or how about making a tree that celebrates your close friendships instead?

Photo albums

One of the most well-established ways of preserving memories is with photo albums. But in our time of smartphones and social media, many of us have forgotten the simple joy of carefully positioning printed photos into an album, or flicking through old ones and smiling at the memories and our questionable fashion choices of yesteryear.

There are lots of services that let you upload your digital photos to be turned into physical prints.

Once they arrived, give yourself an afternoon to fill a photo album. Try taking a mindful approach, focusing on the feelings that come with each photo, the associations held within each image, and the memories they bring.

Get nostalgic with music

Music has an amazing power to remind us of people and places.

Perhaps there’s a song that always makes you smile because you danced to it at a friend’s wedding or a family party (‘Mr Brightside’, anyone?).

Try putting together a playlist to revisit old favourites. Or find out what music matters to your loved ones – this is a great chance to bond over a surprise shared song, and to learn something new about those we’re close to.

Write a letter to your younger self

Writing a letter to your younger self is a chance to think about the ways you’ve developed in the years

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1

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since, the achievements you’ve celebrated, the lessons you’ve learnt, and advice you’d give.

Think back five or 10 years, or longer if you like, and consider how your life is different now.

Some things may be harder, and that’s OK – but some things may have changed for the better. What do you wish you had known back then?

What advice do you have? Be compassionate to the younger you as you write. You could also write a letter to your future self, capturing your current hopes and ambitions.

Use this letter writing as a chance to think about what you would like to leave in the past, and what you would like to take forward with you. happiful.com | September 2021 | 93

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others ROSA PARKS

Photography | Alexandre Debiève

94 | September 2021 | happiful.com

true story

Content warning: this piece include details of self-harm

The light after the darkness Victoria struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder for years. But with the help of a strong support system, she learned to live alongside her depression, and a new hobby ignited a sense of hope for the future Writing | Victoria Hennison

I

will never forget the very first time I selfharmed. I was 13, and I needed an outlet, a way to set the torment in my mind free.

Somewhere in the darkest part of my mind, it made sense that allowing the blood to flow would make me feel better – and it did, but as I stared at the droplets of blood, I felt trapped, as though I had just created a prison for myself.

In some ways, the self-harm had a voice. It was comforting because it seemed to understand, but it fed off the lies the depression told me, and I felt overwhelmingly worthless.

My mind filled with questions of: ‘Who am I?’, ‘Why am I alive’, ‘Why would anyone love me?’

I struggled for years. Self-harming became the coping mechanism that got me through the days. It was controlled, and I felt it was the one thing I had power over.

In 2003, I decided that my body image was the reason I was depressed, the reason my life was going nowhere. I had just turned 21, and I thought that if I could look amazing, then I would be a success, and then I would be happy.

It started off as healthy changes – good, fresh food and exercise. The number on the scales went down – it was an amazing feeling – and, in

my head, the bigger the loss the greater the good feeling, so I went a day or two without eating and pushed myself harder.

Initially, I saw changes in the mirror and I was feeling good, but then my view changed. No matter how low the scales went, no matter how little I ate, I was repulsed by my own reflection.

When I started hiding food, pretending I’d eaten it, and struggled to even take a bite of an apple, I realised it had become something far more sinister. I wasn’t in control anymore; the darkness had introduced me to a new ally, but it wasn’t my friend.

I was miserable, but then the world gave me a lifeline. It was 2004, and I found love and acceptance. It wasn’t an easy road; I refused to need someone, but somehow, no matter how hard I pushed him away, he pushed back, harder. Little by little, he broke down my walls, and as each piece was dismantled I found myself again. The insecurities fell away, and he gave me my fight back. It wasn’t anything he did, he was just there loving me for me, making me feel beautiful. It was the support, having a rock I could lean on, someone who would catch me if I fell while telling me I could fly. >>>

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Victoria’s husband has been her rock

Two years later, we got married. It was a day of pure happiness. The darkness was nowhere to be found and, as we walked hand in hand, I knew we would never let each other go.

Now, 14 years later, we are still as happy as we ever were, and have a family of our own. Life is in a very different place now. It’s not always buttercups and daisies, but I am in control of my demons. They are in the darkest corners of my mind, I am aware of them, and occasionally they make their presence felt; the darkness still lingers like an uninvited guest.

After all these years, though I know myself better now, I accept that when the darkness is present, and my world feels flat, it isn’t always linked to anything in particular, it just exists. I now focus my energy on something positive, I think about things I may want in life, or dreams I can fulfil – and although I acknowledge the depression, it no longer consumes me. My pain becomes constructive rather than destructive.

Last year, I needed to find myself again. It’s easy in life, especially when you have children, to feel a little lost. My youngest was starting

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school and I was feeling redundant. I decided I’d do something for myself, so I started writing, letting my imagination run away, creating characters, and escaping into other worlds.

Then I happened across a blog post asking for submissions for a new book series called Hometown Tales. I filled pages with childhood adventures, but then I hit a point in my life where the joy of nostalgia disappeared. I could choose to continue on a different track or I could write my truth on the page. I did just that, I laid my life bare and it felt good; I never dreamed it would be accepted for publication so I just wrote it for me. It was honest and raw.

I wasn’t in control anymore; the darkness had introduced me to a new ally, but it wasn’t my friend My tale was accepted, and as the realisation hit that my darkest secrets would be out there in the world, I was terrified of the judgements. But writing my truth gave me a newfound strength, and as the editing process went along, I finally felt free. I realised how dark my life once was, and

true story

Writing gave Victoria a new-found strength

I realised how dark my life once was, and how much light I now had in my life how much light I now had. I began to see who I was, and that the battles I had faced had made me stronger. I felt unashamed; I was a survivor.

Writing the book changed my life, it took my nightmares and changed them into dreams: the dream of having my name on the cover of a book, the dream of being free, the dream of finding out who I am.

I remembered how alone I had felt, that feeling of isolation when the world appeared to be bobbing along perfectly, yet I was falling apart. I wanted to stand tall and shout from the rooftops that life can get better. I wish I had a magic wand

and all the answers, but I don’t, although I do know talking helps.

I held my secret all my life; I thought keeping it to myself was strength, but speaking out made me stronger. I don’t deny my feelings now, I acknowledge them rather than trying to lock them away.

Life might sometimes appear perfect, but I do still struggle. I have many things I’m grateful for, things to be overjoyed about, and I’m lucky to have my husband and children by my side – they are my light in the dark, and now my husband holds the umbrella while I dance in the rain.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Growing up, Victoria struggled with her self-image, and with questions around her identity and selfacceptance. Self-harming and an eating disorder became a way to cope, even when she realised the harm these unhealthy outlets were causing her.

A turning point came when Victoria met her husband, who offered the time, support, and love she needed to recover and cope. The negativity

didn’t disappear completely, but an opportunity to write about it helped, and offered hope to others. As Victoria notes, often speaking out about our fears and anxieties to a friend or confidant can make us stronger.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | September 2021 | 97

That kinda’ week It’s easy to take on the weight of the world’s problems – but, sometimes, stopping to notice the positive changes we can make to our communities, and in the lives of loved ones, makes all the difference. Next time you want to embrace some positivity, try these kindness challenges

Make a loved one a playlist of songs that remind you of times you’ve spent together

Give someone a compliment that isn’t focused on how they look If you’re heading on a walk, pop on some gloves, grab a rubbish bag, and collect litter as you go Just finished a great book? Pass it on to someone you think will enjoy it

Put loose change into a public charity box, or dedicate a collection jar at home and donate the contents once it’s full

Buy some extra food and put it in the food bank collection box at the supermarket Send ‘thank you’ notes to people who have helped you Offer to teach someone a skill – it could be a hobby, a favourite dish, or even a life hack!

Join us for Happiful Afternoons Wellbeing by the Lakes, Dorset | 8-12 September

We’re over the moon to be partnering with Wellbeing by the Lakes to curate and programme Happiful Afternoons on the Riverside Stage. Festival-goers will hear from Happiful writers, best-selling authors, life coaches, counsellors, wellbeing experts, and movement mentors.

Join us for much-needed time out, relaxation, reinvigoration, and inspiration!

AN AUTHOR EXPLORES...

IN ASSOCIATION WITH YELLOW KITE

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MIND AND MOVEMENT GET ONBOARD WITH SUP4COACH | DISCOVER THE POWER OF COMMUNITY WITH RED | EXPLORE THE ‘YOGIC TWIST’ | RESET POST PANDEMIC WITH MOTHERKIND

BEFORE YOU GO...

Day tickets £12.50

THERAPEUTIC WRITING FOR ALL | THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING YOU | MANAGING YOUR MINDSET

And much, much more…

wellbeingbythelakes.co.uk | @wellbeingbythelakes Sculpture by the Lakes, Pallington Lakes, Dorchester DT2 8QU On site parking available | Nearest train station: Dorchester (taxi ride from here)

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