ISSUE 10

HAYATI No 10

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WAYS TO AVOID MARRYING THE WRONG PERSON

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WHAT WOMEN REALLY THINK ABOUT POLYGAMY ISSN: 2327-0314

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180 Talbott Street, Rockville, Maryland, 20852 No 10 November 2013 Chief Brand Officer: Fatima Togbe The magazine HAYATI is a publication edited for Hayati by Kimera Media, Potomac, Maryland, 20854 Editor-In-Chief : FATIMA TOGBE Director of Marketing & Advertising: AAMIRA JOHNSON aamira@hayatimagazine.com Online Editor & Content Director: BINTA MOHAMMED binta@hayatimagazine.com Tel. +1(573) 415-0275 Writers: RUMKI CHOWDHURY, SARA YOUSSEF, & NDAA HASSAN Beauty Consultant/Writer: HOLLY KNOYLE-HUGHES Online Blogger: ALYA ALFATHEL Contributed to this issue: Sadaf Farooqi, Fatimah Gimsay, Hayati Marriage BBM group, Yuganov K., Konrad, Anna S., Big H Studios, Jide St. Ola, Jay, Ink Studios, Haider Yousuf, Anand, Serov and Vataya For more information about advertising, makerting, sponsorship, media coverage, sponsored features and more contact the Director of Marketing and Advertising, Aamira Johnson at aamira@hayatimagazine.com or visit our media kit site: www.hayatimagazine.com/mediakit Ad Director: +234 816 518 1507 Client Director: +1 573 415 0275 Chairman & CEO: fatima@hayatimagazine.com Š HAYATI MAGAZINE, USA 2013

Special thanks to my mother, Inusa Ubby, Yanate Banigo, Ronke Adegbite, Chinny Okoye, Kabir Idris, Falke by Aisha and All our readers and followers.

Hayati is published monthly by Kimera Media, Potomac, MD, 20854. Hayati is currently only available online. Subscription is free.

For information about reprint, e-prints and previous issues please contact +1(202) 618-7284 or media@hayationline.com. The Editor is not responsible for the texts, photos, illustrations and drawings published herein, which are the sole responsibility of the authors. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without written consent/permission is strictly prohibited. Hayati cannot accept responsibilit for submitted material.

SUE S I R O EDIT N. 10

LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH SWT This month has been very eventful for us at Hayati. We all celebrated Eid, many of us gathered with our families and created memories to last a lifetime. We have also been going through major changes here at Hayati. We have taken the time to enhance the look and content of our magazine to better please all our readers. It is more classy and modern and the content is more broad and reflective of our audience. I am always eager and pleased to hear from you all. I would really love for you to email or message me though BBM, iMessage, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Let me know what you love and dislike about Hayati. Give me pointers on what you would love to see more of and less of. I would really love for you all to help us create a better product for you.

This month we are back at it again in covering the topic of marriage, but more specifically the process of choosing a partner and the practice of polygamy. In the past, a few of our readers expressed major interest in reading more about marriage. One reader specifically wanted to hear more about the negative side of polygamy and urged us not to be one sided in portraying polygamy as a rosy walk in the park. With that in mind, I drew from my personal interaction with polygamy as well the personal life of a few women who were willing to share their stories.

I still want to hear from you!

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Fatima Togbe 6

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LIST

Wish

Our editor’s hot picks

Hayati’s editor Fatima

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Togbe shares her must-haves

Fall’s modern and full coverage feel goes perfectly with my fashion style. My wish list for this month starts with this black and white yak and wool throw-on cardigan by

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ALEXANDER MCQUEEN (1). I love how simple their collection was this season. The colours easily go with everything else in my closet and to say the least, I love clothing items which are easy to add to an outfit because I tend to be very colourful with my scarves, tops and bottoms. I love this multi-coloured SCARF (2). It truly takes your

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outfit from simple to fun. I really hate going around in black hijabs, they are just so plain and boring. A nice gold BRACELET (3) will always spice up your look. I never leave my house without this 8 HOUR CREAM (4). It is like a miracle cream! I use it for everything from lip conditioner,

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skin moisturizer, taming stray hair, minor cuts, skin irritations and the list goes on. Each season is incomplete without a great pair of EARRINGS (5) and NECKLACE (6) for a nice evening out. This fall I am going to try a white CLUTCH (7) bag. I

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have always been scared to wear white bags because I tend to be clumsy and would not forgive myself for 10

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staining it. Although I live for high heeled SANDALS (8), I am very picky with them because of the size of my feet. However I would love to try these Kirkwood heels. From a very young age I have been very strict when it comes to taking care of my face. Masks, peels, and moisturizers you name it! A FACE REPAIR (9) is always a good option. This SKIRT (10) caught me at first glance and really look forward to brightening the fall with a multi-coloured skirt.

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HAYATI NOVEMBER 2013

BEAUTY Holly’s Monthly Beauty List

EVENTS Smoky not Smudgy MOMO Awards

FAITH

IN EVERY ISSUE

Avoid Marrying The Wrong Man 100 Premarital Questions Getting Over A Heart Break Marry A Revert Or A Born-Muslim Living Polygamy

FASHION Style Ambassador Ndaa Hassan’s Fashion Insight Fashion’s Most Influential Muslimahs Hijab Friendly Looks

Editor’s Letter Editor’s Wish List Editor’s 24 Hour List Hot Spots Share Hayati Insta-Hayati Download Instructions Credits

LIVING Recipes

ERICKSON BEAMON Hello Sweetie gold-plated Swarovski crystal necklace, $2,215

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LIST Holly’s Monthly Beauty

BEAUTY

HAYATI

GEL EYELINER HAYATI EXCLUSIVE

{

Hayati & M.A.C. Professional Makeup artist Holly KnoyleHughes brings us her favorite beauty products for this month.

I am a real eyeliner fan and Tom Fords Noir Absolute does not disappoint. The jet black rich gel like formula has tiny flicks of petrol blue sparkle. It’s creamy and smooth which makes it really easy to apply. Once on it’s very long lasting and doesn’t smudge or loose intensely through out the day. This liner has no boundaries and can be used anywhere on the eye. Either as a thin line along the lid and flicked out for a cat like eyeliner look, or along the lower lash line instead of using an eye kohl. I like to also use it buffed along the whole eyelid up to the crease for a smokey look, a quick and easy alternative to using black eyeshadow.

Tom Ford, Noir Absolute £26.00 HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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TI HAYA

Y DEODORANT T U A BE HAYATI EXCLUSIVE

Perfection! I do not use deodorants that contain Aluminium Chlorohydrate, Aluminium Zirconium and Parabens. Why? Because these ingredients could be linked to a variety of health issues, mainly breast cancer. PitRok doesn’t contain any of these. It doesn’t block the pores and is dermatological tested. It keeps me dry all day, even after my gym workout! Key ingredients like aloe vera and grapefruit seed extract leaves your sensitive under arms feeling fresh.

Very soothing and gentle, great for after waxing and shaving your under arms.

PitROK Crystal Roll-On Deodorant, £4.05

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LIST Holly’s Month ly Beauty

LIP BALM

HAYA TI

BEAU T

HAYATI EXCLUSIVE I am in love! They are little colourful beautiful spheres of joy.

I have been using these for a few months, both on myself, my clients and even my husband who suffers from dry lips. They have been a success all round! Easy to apply, simply unscrew and rub directly onto your lip. This makes it very hygienic and suitable for on the move application. Cute, egg shaped lip balms with a flat bottom so they can be stood on any surface without rolling off.

Can easily be found in your bag due to unique shape and bright colours. They smooth on clear, leaving lips with a matt/ satin texture - doesn’t feel sticky, just perfectly nourished.

A variety for flavors to satisfy your favorite fruity fancy!

Conditions lips with vitamin E, jojoba oil and shea butter for a long lasting moisture.

EOS, Lip balm, £3.29

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FACE MASK HAYATI EXCLUSIVE I have been using this face masque for a while and really like it. It works well on all skin types but works especially well on dryer skin or skin that looks dull and lacks glow.

The gel like consistency refreshes, cools and soothes the skin. With ingredients like aloe, kelp and lavender which are great for hydrating tired skin, what’s not to like. After removing all my makeup I apply generously all over the face, not around the eye area, with my hands and leave it on for 5-10mins. Then wash off with warm water and a flannel. Use weekly to get ultimate healthy glowing skin.

Aveda Intensive Hydrating Masque, £28.50

MAC 210 Precise eyeliner brush, £16.50

LINER BRUSH HAYATI EXCLUSIVE Having good quality products are important, and having good quality tools is equally as important. This brush is perfect for any liquid or gel eyeliner. It’s finely pointed and is great at giving you a beautifully defined liner. It gives you control over your product but because its so thin it gives you the freedom to choose how thick or thin, long or short you want your liner. I love this brush and use it all the time.

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LIST Holly’s Month ly Beauty

HAIR CARE

HAYA TI

BEAU T

HAYATI EXCLUSIVE

I recently returned from a holiday to Egypt. I was in and out of the sea and swimming pool.

Not to mention the intense heat. My hair was a frizzy and fried. Literally horrendous, really dry and brittle. Snapping in front of my eyes. I started using Bumble&Bumble Mending Shampoo & Mending Conditioner. It really worked wonders. The shampoo has Pro-Vitamin B5 which promotes healthy hair and balances moisture and Pantethine which repairs, strengthens and protects from further damage. The conditioner contains Creatine for energy-promotion, repairing and strengthening. These two products are perfect for regularly coloured/exposed to heat/damaged hair.

I noticed a difference almost straight away. It made my hair feel smooth and silky but still with plenty of body. I like to wash my hair every other day. I do two shampoo washes, for a real deep clean, and leave the conditioner on for 5 minutes. That way it penetrates deep into the hair follicles, making your hair feeling brand new and beautiful.

Bumble&Bumble Mending Shampoo & Mending Conditioner, ÂŁ25

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LIST

My

Fatima Togbe in 24 hours

512

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The founder shares her schedule

cups of tea

cell phones

computer hours

5:30 A.M. To be honest, I really do not like mornings; especially because I am notorious for staying up late. However I wake up, brush my teeth, shower and then pray fajr. I would love to say that I get my day started from there but I go back to sleep most times.

8:00 A.M. Dressed in a plain jilabia, I go around my house, turn off all the outdoor lights and put the kettle on the stove. I am big fan of tea and drink it at any time during the day. I do not have a favourite tea flavour, but I do love the passion flavoured Tazo tea.

8:30 A.M. I shower again. This second shower serves as a major pick me up. By this time, I am fully awake and ready to get started with my day.

9:00 A.M. My favourite part of the morning… breakfast. I usually have 2 slices of toast, raspberry jam and an omelette. When I feel like I need a change, I have French toast and fried plantain or oats. I am not one for cereal but once in a while I’ll have frosted wheat or something of that sort. While I’m eating I have my phone in one hand and my fork in the other (lol I know). I shuffle between Instagram, twitter, facebook, tumblr and emails; this usually lets me know what the course of my day will be.

10:00 A.M. On a regular day, I work from home. I sit at my desk, switch on my laptop which is connected to a monitor and have my iPad on the side with both my phones. First off, I go through my emails making sure I answer them based on urgency. Sometimes, that can take over an hour or two because as the day goes by, more and more emails come in. Then I focus on social media and what everyone is saying about Hayati. I try and answer as many messages as I can, post images, send tweets and more.

12:30 P.M. By the time I know it, time as flown by and it is time for dhuhr and lunch. Most times my cook would have already made lunch, so I would have one of my staff bring it to me and continue working while I eat. If there is no food ready, I would go to kitchen and cook something myself.

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1:30 P.M. Once I am done eating, my day usually picks up and I am in between Skype meetings, phone conferences, meetings and interviews. With prayers in between time, I also spend the extra time I have working on the magazine and finding ways to improve its appearance and content. If my day is not too charged, I may step out and meet with designers, photographers or other business individuals to help bring new concepts and ideas to the magazine.

7:30 P.M. I am home having dinner with my family. Once I am done, I am still all over social media and my email, replying mails and messages from potential business partners and Hayati readers alike. At times, I may register in online courses to stay ahead in my field, so I use the evenings to complete the course work.

9:00 P.M. If I do not have much work to do I would watch a movie or two and then go to sleep. By the time it is 11 P.M. I am usually really tired anyways so I call it a night. However, if I have much work to do, I bring my laptop to the living room and work in front of the T.V. till I’m done.

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ITALY FRANCE UNITED STATES JAPAN UAE

T O H T O SP TREVI FOUNTAIN

ITALY First there was Tods, and now follows Fendi in luxury brands restoring some of Italy’s most revered sites; Trevi Fountain is the latest to receive the stamp of branded luxury and philanthropic support to reinstate the respective site to its former glory.

Pioneer to the trend, Tods’ CEO Diego Della Valle, generously donated €25million to the Colosseum in Rome in 2011, and brands like Prada, Gucci and Diesel have also followed suit. Passion for Italian culture and history is core to the trend behind luxury brands’ working to retain the timelessness of Italy’s best known fountains and monuments.

Cinematic significance also rings true in the selection of the sites for Italian style brands to restore, with scenes from Italian classics, ‘La Dolce Vita’ with Anita Ekberg, and 1954 film ‘Three Coins in the Fountain,’ contributing to the locale’s global notoriety, and interest from fashion houses. Over a million tourists a year throw coins into the Trevi Fountain, making it a highly covetable brand destination.

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HOT SPOT

MUSE D’ORSAY

A

must-do for art lovers, the Musee d’Orsay is known for housing the world’s premier collection of impressionist paintings. Located in a former railway station, this grand museum showcases thousands of art works and objects that cover a period between the mid-1800s and the early 1900s. Visitors can walk through several rooms to view amazing art works by many famous artists such as Monet, Van Gogh, Cezane, Degas, Pissarro, Renoir and Jean-Francois Millet

SAKS 5TH AVENUE

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f you’re looking for high-end shopping all in one place, look no further. Saks Fifth Avenue is one of the city’s premier destinations for luxury goods. Navigate your walk through the perfume spritzers and makeup clerks on the ground level and head upstairs to the elite, in-store boutiques of Louis Vuitton and Chanel. Hungry? Take a break at do lunch at Café SFA, a full-service café and bar.

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TOKYO

HOT SPOT

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here are countless independent fashion boutiques in the Harajuku area -- all dedicated to generally insane forms of youth fashion. If you count adjacent Shibuya, Omotesando and Aoyama into the region, you have the world’s largest fashion district: featuring basically every single major designer brand in the world.

DUBAI

U

nder-lit hallways clad in glass-smooth, dark wood show only slight seams where doors are. Starkly visible are white room-andsuite numbers, showing off the simple perfection of Helvetica. Opening one of the 160 doors, the seam widens, streaming light into the austere hall. Inside, curved walls, Italian leather accents, and luscious fabrics mix as if thrown about by Armani models in a fit of post-show lust. If you’ve opted for the Armani Executive suite, grab a drink from the minibar and head to the window for views of the over-the-top Dubai Fountain.

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FAITH

10 WAYS TO AVOID MARRYING

THE WRONG PERSON Most of us girls have gone through at least one guy who we were interested in but was just not the right “one”. Here is a little guide to help you make your decision much easier.

It is not a perfect list by any means but it should help, insha’Allah. Edited by Fatima Togbe 26

HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

T

he topic of marriage is one that we can never get enough of. We women start talking about it from a very young age; dreaming of how pretty we would look on the day. As we grow up and the reality of marriage seems a lot closer, we begin looking for prospects in every guy we encounter.

Finally, when we actually get married, we are still talking about what marriage is like, how it could be better and how to go about improving it; the marriage discussion is never ending. However, so it is very important to take your time when picking a spouse because choosing the right person to marry is what will eventually determine which course your life and marriage will take.

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.

One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.

A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.

The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent.

Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are minimal and chaperoned or unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:

HAYATI

FAITH

DO NOT MARRY POTENTIAL

Many of us are guilty in this department. When we feel like time is passing us by and the man of our dreams has not come to ask for our hand in marriage yet, we often begin to feel desperate. We begin to think that all men are not perfect and after all we have a lifetime to shape them into the man we want them to be. Although that is somewhat true, that is the wrong approach to marriage.

Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

CHOOSE CHARACTER OVER CHEMISTRY

Falling in love with someone can sometimes be an intoxicating feeling. You feel good all the time, when they call you get excited and giddy, when they smile at you, your heart melts and in your eyes you cannot picture yourself being with anyone else. While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait: HUMILITY The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.

KINDNESS kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do 28

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FAITH

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for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)?

How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?

RESPONSIBILITY A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.

HAPPINESS A happy person is content with their portion in life.

They feel good about themselves and good about their life.

They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.

DO NOT NEGLECT THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF YOUR PARTNER

Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated.

To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him.

Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

AVOID OPPOSING LIFE PLANS

In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart.

Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”

The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you 30

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have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.

Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

AVOID PRE-MARITAL SEXUAL/PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

Many people may find this hard. In the society in which we live in now our days, there is an increasing pressure on both men and women to have premarital sex. If you just reverted to Islam, this is your chance to start over. For those who have grown up in Islam and have already begun having premarital sex, it will not be easy to stop, but it is surely possible with your determination.

Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why Allah has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.

Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.

AVOID LACK OF EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

Here are a number of questions that you must answer YES to: 1, Do I respect and admire this person?

2. Do I trust this person?

3. Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? 4. Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?

5. Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?

6. Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL ANXIETY

Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally

HAYATI is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage.

Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

ANGER ISSUES

This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

BEWARE OF LACK OF OPENNESS IN YOUR PARTNER

Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them.

This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team.

When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team.

Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed?

FAITH

Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

BEWARE OF AVOIDING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married.

If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going Now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

WATCH OUT FOR LACK OF EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND AVAILABILITY IN YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER

Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:

AVOID PEOPLE WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY EMPTY INSIDE These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people cannot be emotionally available to build healthy relationships. (continued on next page) HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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(Continued) ADDICTIONS

Can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship? Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol.

They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and cannot be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

ADDITIONAL POINTS TO CONSIDER The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love

the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.

Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”

Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?”

“How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.

BE FLEXIBLE. BE OPEN-MINDED! Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with

martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure in seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.

Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health.

The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you?

The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.

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EVENTS

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SMOKY NOT SMUDGY Muslimah fashion, beauty and style event.

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moky not Smudy (SnS) is a ladies-only pampering event featuring luxury services, beauty treatments, fashion boutiques, photography studios, a souk bazaar, master classes, tutorials by indthe SnS teamtry professionals and a show stopping catwalk. The title ‘Smoky not Smudgy’ which derives from the way one would apply eyeshadow (i.e. you woul want to have smoky eyes, not smudgy eyes), is a very catchy name for such a pampering filled event. Whatever you are looking for, you will not be disappointed! You will meet like-minded women and explore new bthe SnS teaminesses offering bespoke services and unique products! This year, they are taking it a step further with MORE exhibitors, with a BIGGER bazaar and TWO fashion shows, with up-and-coming designers as well as those familiar names we are all obsessed with! Now in their 6th year, there is every reason to be excited with what they have planned for you!

The SnS team promises that this year will be undoubtedly bigger and better than before! They have been working hard to build on the successes of previothe SnS team years to provide the ultimate ladies day out! Each year this event is put on by a committee of female students at Imperial College London, all studying a range of degrees with a special interest for fashion and style. Their goal is to raise money for orphans and needy children, through Islamic Relief! All the profits made on the day, except from the stalls, go directly to charity to make a significant difference in the life of a child in need. This year they are hoping not only to put on a grander and more spectacular event for you all, but they are aiming to beat last year’s fundraising total too, inshaAllah! All the money they make from tickets, services, beauty sessions, tutorials and cakes goes directly to their charity and every penny counts!

Imperial College Islamic Society (IC ISoc) gives the SnS team an annual budget and it is from this

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that they are able to work and make the event the best it can be! The Imperial College Islamic Society currently does not have any partners, but inshaAllah it is something that they believe can be introduced to SnS next year.

The event, which is known to have one of the most beautiful atmospheres, also brings a sense of unity amongst sisters. Last year they heard a little girl tell her mother ‘when I become a hijabi, I’ll have so many friends’, they were so touched by that story and continue to say that it is such little things like that make them strive to better SnS year on year.

All kinds of women come, from across the country (and internationally) attend SnS. From young teens to young mothers to grandmothers, they all attend.

However, the majority of girls who attend are between the ages of 15 and 30 years.

SnS will be held on Sunday 3rd November 2013 at: Sir Alexander Fleming Building, Imperial College Camp the SnS team, Exhibition Road, South Kensington, London, SW7 2AZ. For an entrance ticket into the Souk Bazaar and Pampering Rooms, guests can pay at the door, it cost £4 for adults and £2 for under 12’s. Fashion show tickets usually sell out so they are best bought online.

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT www.smokynotsmudgy.com/tickets.

If you cannot attend the event, you can donate to the camp SnS team, which for Orphans and Needy Children through this link inshaAllah: When donating, kindly write “Imperial Charity Team – SnS” in the comments box, inshaAllah, as a reference. All money donated will not have any admin fees applied, so every single penny will go to charity inshaAllah.

FASHION

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H i j a b Friendly L o o k s

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ETRO, Printed stretch-silk maxi skirt, $2,200; MAIYET necklace, THEORY top, GUCCI boots, PROENZA SCHOULER clutch

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BURBERRY SHOES & ACCESSORIES, Cashmere and merino wool-blend wrap, $995; EQUIPMENT top, MARIA RUDMAN bracelet, BOTTEGA VENETA bracelets, HELMUT LANG pants, PEDRO GARCIA boots, ALEXANDER WANG bag

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WESTON, Strizzate Sasette printed modal and silk-blend scarf, $200; HELMUT LANG top, VALENTINO bracelet, FENDI cuff, T BY ALEXANDER WANG skirt, RAG & BONE boots, ALEXANDER WANG bag

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HAIDER ACKERMANN, Wool-blend wide-leg pants, $1,110; HAIDER ACKERMANN jacket, EQUIPMENT top, FENDI bracelet and bag, MAISON MARTIN MARGIELA ring, GIVENCHY shoes

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FAITH

100

PREMARITAL

QUESTIONS

1. What is your concept of marriage?

2. Have you been married before?

3. Are you married now?

4. What are you expectations of marriage?

5. What are your goals in life? (Long and short term) 6. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.

7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.

8. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?

9. What is the role of religion in your life now?

10. Are you a spiritual person?

11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?

13. What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?

14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?

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15. What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?

16. What is the role of the husband?

17. What is the role of the wife?

18. Do you want to practice polygamy?

19. What is your relationship with your family?

20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?

21. What do you expect your spouse’s relationship with your family to be?

22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?

23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?

24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?

25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)

26. How did you get to know them?

27. Why are they your friends?

28. What do you like most about them?

29. What will your relationship with them after

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marriage be?

30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?

33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?

34. What are the things that you do in your free time?

35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?

36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?

37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family) 38. Do you travel?

39. How do you spend your vacations?

40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

41. Do you read?

42. What do you read?

43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?

44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?

45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?

47. Do you like to write your feelings?

48. If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?

49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s) he to apologize to you?

50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?

51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?

52. Do you use foul language at home? In public?

With family?

53. Do your friends use foul language?

54. Does your family use foul language?

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55. How do you express anger?

56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

57. What do you do when you are angry?

58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?

59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?

60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?

62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?

63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?

64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?

65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?

67. What is you definition of wealth?

68. How do you spend money?

69. How do you save money?

70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?

71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?

72. Do you use credit cards?

73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?

76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?

77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?

78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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and/or maids?

81. Do you want to have children? If not, how come?

82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?

83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?

84. Do you believe in abortion?

85. Do you have children now?

86. What is your relationship with your children now?

87. What is your relationship with their other parent?

88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?

89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?

90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?

91. How were you raised?

92. How were you disciplined?

93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

94. Do you believe in public school for your children?

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95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?

96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?

97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?

98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?

99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?

100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

These questions are just a guideline of what you might want to ask, so you can pick and choose which questions apply to you and what suits you best inshallah.

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HAYATI

GETTING OVER A HEART BRAKE Edited by Fatima Togbe STEP 1: ACCEPTING ALLAH’S QADR This has got be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love.

How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience.

Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life.

It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

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faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani] STEP 2: AWARENESS OF THE LOVE-DRUG SYNDROME An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, and thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios.

So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope.

Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

STEP 3: BE PROACTIVE Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations?

What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

STEP 4: MOVE ON In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds: “If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi] Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.

Source: http://islamic-quotes.blogspot.com/2011/02/ifyou-are-suffering-from-broken-heart.html 48

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MARRYING A REVERT OR A BORN MUSLIM Finding a spouse is hard as it is being a born Muslim, but what sort of challenges do revert Muslims face when it comes to marriage. By Sadaf Farooqi of OnIslam.net

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very era in time poses its own unique challenges on every aspect of life including marriage, and the contemporary world is no different.

One of the pressing challenges that the Muslim ummah faces on a global scale today is the establishment of happy, productive, love-filled and lasting marriages that overcome the trials and tribulations that sometimes commence from even the first days of their inception.

Within the realm of Muslim marriage today, a growing challenge for singles seeking righteous and compatible life partners – one that has been fueled in the past few decades by frequent job-related relocation and immigration to foreign countries – is the issue of multi-cultural ethnicities and divergent mindsets and personalities molded by a geographically variant cultural upbringing that is found in prospective marriage candidates. Concerns about the married couple’s future compatibility arise very naturally as a result of disparities in their backgrounds based on these traits.

CHALLENGES FACED BY NEW REVERTS: Single men and women who revert to Islam in Western countries, such as North America and Europe, have to face many post-reversion challenges, such as alienation from their immediate, biological families; marital discord or divorce (if they are married); losing their children’s custody to their ex-spouses or extended families, hostility at work, and social isolation (especially during Ramadan), to name but a few.

However, to say that finding a spouse, getting married and staying happily married isn’t one of the greatest challenges they face, would be a lie. Hailing from a past devoid of Islamic belief and its practice, they are sometimes avoided warily by born-Muslim immigrant families in their area that are seeking suitors for their adult and

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Photograph by Anand K.

HAYATI single offspring. Even though their reversion to Islam wipes out their past completely in the eyes of Allah, born Muslims are not as big-hearted, benevolent and open-minded in their forgiveness and acceptance of reverts’ non-Muslim past backgrounds and upbringing.

The major options for completing the remaining half of their Deen that lie before them, – and admittedly there are not too many of these to begin with,are whether they should marry a revert from the West like themselves, who will share with them not just a similar non-Muslim past and extended family dynamic, but who will also possess the same cultural habits and mindset; or whether they should consider proposals from born Muslim immigrants who hail from a totally different cultural background?

THE BORN-MUSLIM IMMIGRANT MINDSET: Stereotyping and generalizing aside, there do exist some traits and commonalities among immigrant Muslims that reverts in the West should keep in mind before jumping the gun and assuming that their marrying a born-Muslim immigrant (first, second or even third generation) would result in a problem-free marriage and that elusive picture-perfect Muslim matrimonial bliss that they so desire.

Many a time, born Muslims are not as ardent about practicing Islam at a superlative level or in enthusiastically doing full-time da’wah, as new Muslims are, because they were born into Islam, and grew up observing its fundamental rituals more as a habitual and cultural part of life instead of something that they passionately and proactively adopted by making personal sacrifices.

Born Muslims did not strive hard and swim against a social tide to become Muslim against all glaring odds. They did not sacrifice their family, homeland, lifestyle, or careers to embrace and practice a new Deen and to adopt it as a 24/7 way of life.

The nonchalance of born Muslims towards Islam might therefore come as a shock for a revert who gets married to one of them, because they might have expected their born-Muslim spouse to share, if not exceed, their own passion and fervor for Islam.

Similarly, born Muslims who have been raised in Muslim majority countries in the East more often than not have more conservative mindsets, especially regarding gender roles and responsibilities. For example, how reservedly/freely a wife is expected to converse with her husband’s friends; how much

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a husband willingly helps his wife out in domestic chores; whether or not a wife is expected to work and bring in a second income; and in how the elderly people of a family choose to live as dependents on their younger ones, instead of as dignifiedly independent individuals with their own income, private life and occupations. The way such issues and concerns are perceived, handled and addressed by a married person depend upon their ingrained, culturally influenced thinking and mindset, which are determined by geographically variant socioeconomic factors and cultural upbringing.

Lastly, immigrant Muslims tend to cling tenaciously to their language, customs, traditions and culture from “back home”, even after decades of immigrating to a non-Muslim majority country. They also, more often than not, tend to possess an “us vs. them” mindset and attitude towards non-Muslims, rarely mingling socially with, or marrying into them willingly.

A revert who has been raised in the West might have to resort to a considerable amount of adjustment if they choose to marry a born Muslim, especially in how much they’ll need to assimilate into a new cultural setup and learn to live in a tightly-knit extended family situation where there is often very little to no personal privacy, especially in living spaces.

Reverts who are by nature easy-going and flexible; who love meeting new people and forming new relationships; who like to travel and experience new places, languages, customs, lifestyles and cultures, should not have too much trouble in adjusting after marriage to someone who is a born Muslim and an immigrant to their country.

However, those reverts who enjoy close bonds and emotional attachments with their biological, non-Muslim family even after embracing Islam; who love living in the country in which they were born and raised; who value solitude, independence, privacy, autonomy and stability in life; who make friends only with few, likeminded people sharing their local customs, language and culture should consider marrying a revert from their own region, or any other Muslim who is willing to completely assimilate into their culture and environment, instead of vice versa.

One of the biggest advantages of marrying a revert like one’s self is that the common experience of embracing Islam as a new faith leads to much greater future compatibility, because both reverts might belong to families who are not Muslim, which will HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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FAITH bring them even closer to each other, binding them and their children together into a very close-knit nuclear family unit formed upon the foundation of true monotheistic faith and sacrifice.

Otherwise, if a revert marries someone who is a born Muslim, they might have to deal with and accept the fact, that their inlaws might probably refuse to regularly meet and greet their biological, non-Muslim family, much less get along with them in a friendly, frank and easygoing manner for the remainder of their lives.

“Born Muslims did not strive hard and swim against a social tide to become Muslim against all glaring odds.”

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WHERE TO LIVE? As mentioned earlier, frequent relocation and immigration has become the norm on a global scale. Whether a revert Muslim marries a born Muslim or a revert like themselves, the issue of relocating from a non-Muslim majority country to a Muslim majority one can always come up, given the abruptness with which persecution on the basis of the Islamic faith (also referred to as Islamophobia) arises in any part of the contemporary world.

Regardless, the ever-present dynamics of the upbringing of their children might make any Muslim couple – whether or not one or both of them are reverts – always consider moving to another country in the world where their unique personal circumstances might allow them to raise their children the way they want to, or live the kind of Islam-based lifestyle that they aspire to.

In such a scenario, any revert Muslim born and raised in the West who marries an immigrant who has his heart attached to his “homeland”, might need to always keep in mind the imminent possibility of moving back to the latter at any point later in their marriage, and should deeply ponder upon whether or not this move will be acceptable to them or not, before entering the marriage.

Muslim majority countries offer a rejuvenating, year-round Islamic community spirit; halal food and restricted (extremely taboo) alcohol consumption; complete lack of nudity and public displays of affection; and manifold opportunities to acquire in-depth Islamic knowledge from schools (madaris) and uni-

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versities under the direct tutelage of Islamic scholars.

However, most Muslim majority countries significantly lack the overall quality of life, peacefulness, efficient law enforcement, environmental cleanliness, political stability, stellar opportunities in higher education, and civic orderliness that is prevalent in Western countries.

If a new revert is willing to make the huge adjustment to living amidst political turmoil and chaotic civic infrastructures in the tropically hot, humid, dusty and the often strife-ridden Eastern Muslim majority countries, they can marry a born Muslim and relocate to start and raise a family and hopefully enjoy a very happy married life till the end of their days.

If they however prefer living in the West and do not think that they’ll be able to make this huge adjustment, they should give preference to marrying a local revert, or a third-generation born Muslim whose family has been settled in the same country as theirs, and who has been born and raised there.

CONCLUSION As always, exceptions to every rule or trend always exist, and we cannot always adhere to or stand by sweeping generalizations, because few issues are clearly black and white, much less those related to the wide spectrum of modern-day Muslim marriage.

Each and every singleton and married couple in the world is unique, and what works for one might totally backfire and cause pain to another, which is perfectly understandable.

This is why Allah has made the earth vast, and filled it with a variety of races, temperaments, languages, climates, customs, habits, foods, terrains, auras, means of livelihood and ways of living.

As the global Muslim family grows in size because of the refreshingly consistent and unabated influx of our newly reverted brothers and sisters in faith, let us try to tear down the self-erected walls of culture, ethnicity, race, language and custom that keep them from becoming a part of our biological family through the sacred and blessed union of marriage.

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Ndaa Hassan’s

Fashion Insight

LIST This month’s modest style

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odest fashion has been taking a turn in today’s fashion industry. Both Muslim and non-Muslim fashion bloggers have been addressing the topic of modest fashion as it increases in popularity on the runway.

The idea of alternating fashion to fit your way of life is something that many women are starting to understand and apply to their wardrobes. The catwalk is also picking up on this returning fashion phenomenon. Many designers such as DVF have implemented this modest twist in their runway outfits and the crazy thing is that it doesn’t really have anything to do with religion or culture. It’s just normal, everyday women realizing that they look much prettier when showing less skin.

It has nothing to do with not being confident with your body or the way you look (let’s not get off track here). In fact, many have said the exact opposite and that is that dressing up modestly gives them a boost of energy and confidence they didn’t feel when less covered. There’s a reason why high end designers such as Valentino have always maintained this modest signature to their runway designs.

increased demand of longer and more lose clothing.

Don’t believe me? Just jump to your Instagram account and search hash-tags such as #ModestFashion or #ModestStyle and you’ll be able to get a glimpse of women all over the world embracing this kind of fashion sense.

As a fashion blogger and a HUGE modest fashion advocate, I am always on the lookout of new ways to bring this concept to light. This inspired the development of #ProjectModestFashion, video featuring both Muslims and non-­Muslims who have decided to embrace this life-style. I say life-style because it really is more than just how you dress.

Modesty is a happy little blend of how you dress AND how you act. This blend is what sometimes confuses people. The truth is, though, that in order to apply modesty to your wardrobe AND maintain it, modesty has to be fully embraced by your heart first and foremost. This is an entirely different topic that needs an article on its own. More updates on the Project Modest Fashion can be found by searching hash-tag #projectmodestfashion on Instagram.

Modest fashion is a process that requires some practice. It is not something you are born with or wakeup just knowing how to apply to your wardrobe.

It takes practice mixing and matching colors and patterns as well as playing with different layers and fabrics. Be brave and don’t be afraid to experiment with the pieces you already have in your wardrobe.

You’ll eventually be able to build this sense of modest fashion and soon enough, it will come naturally when shopping for a new outfit. Also, if you need help with pairings, check out the Ndaa Talks Fashion YouTube channel for some pairings ideas.

Muslim fashionistas are rising like stars in this modest fashion industry. They have become pros are modistify-ing, if you may, their outfits and pairings.

And an even more exciting fact is that they have so much fun doing so. It’s such an accomplishment seeing your outfit slowly coming together. There are less and less complaints about finding long shirts, baggy pants, and wide scarves in the market. From Topshop to Forever 21 and ZARA, many of these Xoxo popular shopping outlets are making note of the

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Best-Dressed

LIST World’s Influencial Muslimah

Every girl has that person she looks up to when it comes to fashion, sense of style and basically lifestyle. For a Muslim girl it is not that easy because our sense of style is different from the usual fashion sense and our role models are different from the usual, other girls look up to Kate Moss, Rihanna, Naomi Campbell and many more, Muslim girls have a different view about their own styles. Below I have a list of my favourite Muslim Ladies that are modest yet Fashionable, our taste in fashion differ and what I like may not be what you agree with but they are my favourites and I will explain why, Enjoy!

Yaz the spaz

YAZTHESPAZ89 ALSO KNOWN AS YASMIN

Born as Yasmin to a Cuban Revert Mother and a Turkish Father, she was born and raised in the United States of America.

Popularly known by her YouTube name Yazthespaz89, she is a makeup artist, Hijab stylist, Cake Decorator and Fashion Consultant. Her style is girly, she loves to work with colours and her Hijab styles are suitable for everyday outfits and various occasions. She is my number one inspiration because when I was about starting the Hijab, I was very ignorant of the fact a Muslim girl can be stylish and yet Modest, she encouraged me with her videos and her story, she may not be number for other people but she is my number one.

SHEIKHA MOZAH OF QATAR

HRH Sheikha Mozah of Qatar is one woman that can dress and still keep it covered, she is tall and stunning. As royalty she is expected to dress Classy, as a Muslim she is expected to be Sheika covered so she has Mozah a Fusion of Royal Muslim.

She accompanies her stylish off the runway dresses with amazing turbans that are rapidly spreading round the world, she keeps it simple yet stunning, she is top class a Muslim Fashionista.

DINA TOKIO

Born Dina Torkia, she is a British Muslim that is a Hijab Stylist and a Vintage enthusiast. Her style is modern day Fashion mixed with a vintage Dash; she keeps it simple, covered and still stylish. She is very playful and she mixes colours and patterns a lot in most of her styles, she is also not afraid to try new things.

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ASCIA AKF

Kuwaiti Born Ascia is of mixed origin also, she calls herself a Hybrid. Ascia is popularly known for her stylish Turbans and simple Hijabs, she is fierce and stunning. She proudly struts her Hijabs and Turbans everywhere she goes, she isn’t afraid to try different styles. She and her husband run their blog together and share different pictures about their styles. Ascia is young, bubbly, beautiful and stylish.

DIAN PELANGI

Dian Pelangi

YUNA

Indonesian Dian is a 21years old designer/Stylist/Model, she is young and stylish. Her style is to always make sure she uses every colour she can find, she is a rainbow dresser and utilises the colours so well. She has run successful fashion shows in Indonesia and beyond, she travels wide and far with her husband to learn about styles from other countries and incorporate it into the Indonesian fashion scene. She usually mixes her styles with Batik, which is the Indonesian fabric.

Yuna is a Malaysian Musician; her fashion sense is like her type of music, very subtle and Indie. She is very firm in making a bold statement about her Islamic styles, she is also known for her fashionable turbans and simple Hijab styles.

LULU EL HESBU

Another Indonesian designer that also loves to try out colours without fear, I personally get afraid of using too many colours in my outfits but Lulu and Dian have proven lots of colours wouldn’t kill you. They aren’t afraid to be covered and stylish with whatever they put on.

Yuna

NIZURA

Young, Exciting, Stylish, Bubbly and Fashionable, Nizura is a 21years old Make-up artist, Hijab stylist and Fashion consultant; she is married and is a mother to beautiful Leila. Nizura is known for her amazing make-up jobs, she also did YaztheSpaz89’s wedding make-up.

These women are Muslim and Fashionable, they prove the Hijab doesn’t oppress but liberate a Muslim girl; they pull off whatever style they wear because they are confident in themselves and their Hijabs. They are my choices although other people may choose to differ but I like their styles and they all smell like confident Muslim women which what we should all smell like when we approach people.

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MICHAEL MICHAEL KORS, Fringed felt poncho, $250; EQUIPMENT top, Monica Vinader bracelet, MARIA RUDMAN bracelet, VICTORIA BECKHAM Denim jeans, STELLA MCCARTNEY boots, PROENZA SCHOULER bag

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ALEXANDER MCQUEEN Embellished cutout crepe gown, $7,160; MAISON MARTIN MARGIELA rings, GIUSEPPE ZANOTTI shoes, ALEXANDER MCQUEEN clutch

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ROBERTO CAVALLI, Printed silk-satin pants, $2,730; KARL LAGERFELD top, CHLOÉ cuff and ring, REED KRAKOFF shoes, JIL SANDER clutch

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ROBERTO CAVALLI, Printed velvet flared pants, $1,665; MARIA BLACK necklace, ROBERTO CAVALLI jacket, JIMMY CHOOshoes, JIL SANDER clutch

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STELLA MCCARTNEY, Silk track pants, $875; STELLA MCCARTNEY top, HERVÉ VAN DER STRAETEN cuff, GIANVITO ROSSI shoes, MARNI clutch

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10 CALVIN KLEIN COLLECTION, Stover leather-trimmed twill coat, $2785; VICTORIA BECKHAM dress, CHLOE ring, STELLA MCCARTNEY belt, SOPHIA WEBSTER boots, DOLCE & GABBANA bag

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FAITH

LIVING WITH POLYGAMY A few of us women gathered and poured our heart out about polygamy and how we fell about. Special thanks to the Hayati Marriage BBM Group.

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ast week I decided to post an announcement on Instagram, Facebook and twitter asking people to join our BBM group to discuss polygamy. To my surprise, we got an influx of add requests from all over the world. Many people sent us private messages about their lives, views and experiences with polygamy, but only a few people actually joined the chat group. This small but diverse group included women come from Dubai, London, USA, Indonesia, Nigeria, Malaysia and Qatar, and between the ages of 18 and 35.

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I really did not know what to expect from this group of women, so I threw a few topics out there for them to discuss and before I knew it we were relating and sharing experiences as if we had all been friends for years. What an example of loving your sister for the sake of Allah swt. We did not all have the same opinions when it came to all the topics we covered, but as one of the sisters said during the chat, “I love how this discussion never turned into an argument.

Masha’Allah”. So for those of you who missed our little chat session here is a little brief: Nima supports polygamy and understands its role in Islam. However, having grown up in a non-Muslim

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home, she cannot picture herself sharing the man that she loves with another woman. “I’m extremely territorial” she says and several sisters agreed with her in the sense that they do not see themselves being able to share their husband. Nima has turned down three marriage proposals already. All of them in the fear of potentially getting trapped into a polygamous marriage and she is one of many single Muslimahs out there with this same fear.

Halima as well understands polygamy and acknowledges that if a man can take care of his wives equally, then she sees nothing wrong in it. However, she also added that as a woman it is simply “painful to know that you won’t be able to see your husband daily”.

Salma is only 18 and already afraid of marriage.

She attributes part of her fears to being raised by a single mother and surprisingly, Nima (who just told us how territorial she is) explained to her that in her mother’s case, she would have been better off living as a co-wife, as she would not have had to raise her children as a single mother.

In our quest to pick the good and bad examples of men handling polygamy, Zara gave us the example of a few men in her city of Kano, Nigeria, who “borrow money to marry another wife”. When asked how they will feed their children if they are already in debt, they reply “what a child will eat will be taken care of

by Allah swt” she says.

After a little debate, we all agreed that polygamy is not meant for everyone. I found it quite interesting that 100% of the women in the group, including myself, agreed that as a first wife, the thought of sharing your husband with another is simply heartbreaking.

We also agreed that however painful, some men can and have successfully managed polygamous homes in which all wives have their space and are happy with one another.

In an attempt to sum the conversation up and relieve some of the sisters’ fears about marriage and polygamy, I explained that it is very important to trust, love and look up to the man you will or have married. It is that love and admiration that will get you through your marriage. If you have married a man for all the right reasons including his fear of Allah swt, him deciding along the line to marry another woman should not scare you as much because you trust and believe that he would not do anything to harm you. A wise man would not blindly enter into a polygamous marriage without weighing the pros and the cons. He should honestly ask himself “how

FAITH

would this affect my wife?”, “how would this affect my children?” and “how would this affect my marriage?”

If after answering these questions he still feels like it is the best option for the family, then as a woman you should be strong for Allah swt knows best and would not give you something you cannot handle.

An hour or so later, the conversation was revived

by Yasmine who expressed her strong feelings about the length at which some men and women go because of polygamy. “Some women plot evil for their cowives and some men play favoritism and fail to treat all wives equally” she said. Zara had mentioned the same thing concerning women and their evil schemes earlier but we sort of passed over it. Sadly, many of the private messages which we received were about the fighting amongst co-wives and the husband’s failure to manage the situation.

Zainab then joined the group being the first cowife to join the conversation. She is a second wife with children but lives a continent away from her husband and his first wife. She explained to us that she doesn’t have direct experience with polygamy since she lives apart. She does believe that this distance has made polygamy so much easier for her to adapt to. Jokingly, she said that it was one of the reasons she agreed to marry her husband in the first place. The good thing is that she sees her husband frequently; either he goes to see her or vice versa.

As the positive vibes picked up, women began the share their joys of marriage. Zara believes that marriage has made her a better person and has completed half of her deen and Yasmine expressed eagerness to want to get married as she says it will allow her to concentrate more on her ibadah.

Several minutes later, Maryam joined the group and introduced herself as a 20 year old revert who got married as a second wife at the age of 18. She took us through her story of how she fell madly in love with her husband only to find out he had a wife. In order to not lose him, she agreed to be his second wife and now she has a baby and lives in complete happiness.

She explained that “as a second wife, you need to learn about Islam and polygamy. You need to gain knowledge and BE PATIENT! Jealousy (lol) is always an issue, but it does go away at some point. Don’t focus on negatives because you may lose out on having a fantastic marriage. Also a lot of people think you have to live with the other wife but you don’t. You get all the same rights as if u was the only wife. One thing I would say is if you meet someone and they’re married, HAYATIMAGAZINE.COM

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ask to meet the other wife. I met my husband’s, but it was a bit different for me because she doesn’t speak much English so communication was hard. However, I met her and she was really nice. The most important thing is that our husband treats us equally.”

Maryam went on to say that there are differences between the first and second wife. “The first wife may feel like she is being replaced and not good enough for her husband and as a second wife you feel like you are coming into a brand new family. I admit that I did get very jealous in the beginning but at the end of the day, it was me who was being introduced as his wife and I’m sure it must have been hard for his first wife too.”

Sayyida had been a little quiet in the beginning of the chat, but eventually she opened up to us. She has been going through a lot at home being the second wife. With her son having a learning disability, her husband being taken advantage of by his first wife for his kindness, and not having enough attention from her husband because of the first wife’s wrath, Sayyida’s situation is sadly similar to that of many women who have privately messaged us. For Sayyida, the effects of polygamy are leaving her with scars. Severely depressed, she believes that “in a polygamous home, everyone suffers...and it’s not temporary but a lifetime thing especial when kids are involved”. Sayyida feels like she needs to compete for her husband’s attention because the first wife is putting up a resilient fight, but she doesn’t have the interest or energy to. So at the end of the, she is still the one who loses out.

All the women in the group gathered to reassure Sayyida. Some inspired her to turn to Allah swt and ask HIM for guidance, some encouraged her to stay strong for the sake of her child, others advised on place she could go to get help for her depression and her son’s learning disability and the rest were there to give her the support she needed.

Towards the end of our chat on polygamy, Bilkissu brought up a major topic: sibling rivalry.

This is especially common when one wife is seen in the home is being visibly dominant. Bilkissu expresses that many times, children in such situations “end up hating their father especially if their mother was the underdog”. I would really love to go into this topic because it is something that is really important and affects many children into adulthood. We will be opening up a discussion group for children living in polygamous homes. We want to hear all the good times you have shared with your family. The joys of having numerous siblings and the fun you all have

FAITH

during holidays. We also want to hear from those having difficulties getting along with their family.

Remember that sharing your stories may help someone in the same situation as you.

I really enjoyed meeting all these women and I am happier knowing that they are just a BBM away! I learned a lot from their experiences. It was comforting knowing that many women shared the same fear I had of sharing my husband with another woman. Zainab thought me that sometimes in polygamy, living a part makes a world of a difference. Maryam thought me the importance of faith and the understanding of Islam when it comes to marriage. Sayyid opened to my eyes to how bad marriage can be when a husband fails to manage his wives and their behavior and finally, Bilkissu reminded me that when marriage takes a turn for the worst, it is the children who suffer the most.

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LIVING

HAYATI

Hayati Recipes A few cool DIY recipes collections for you to try at home.

Plus a sweet cooling dessert to finish your meal off.

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GRILLED SCALLOP SALAD FOR THE SCALLOPS 1 tsp olive oil 1 shallot, peeled, finely sliced 75g/2½oz butter, softened ½ lemon, zest only 1 tbsp finely chopped fresh chervil 1 tbsp finely chopped fresh chives 45g/1½oz hazelnuts, finely chopped salt and freshly ground black pepper 6 scallops, cleaned FOR THE SALAD ½ tbsp wholegrain mustard ½ tbsp good quality white wine vinegar 1½ tbsp good quality rapeseed oil 1 Little Gem lettuce, leaves separated 1 punnet pea shoots METHOD 1.For the scallops, heat a frying pan until warm, add the olive oil and shallot and fry gently until softened but not coloured.

2.Place the butter into a bowl and add

the cooked shallot, along with all the remaining scallop ingredients, except the scallops. Season, to taste, with salt and freshly ground black pepper and mix well.

3.Preheat the grill to high.

4.Place the scallops onto a grill tray and top each scallop with a spoonful of the hazelnut butter. Place under the grill for 3-4 minutes, or until just cooked through. Remove from the grill and set aside to rest for one minute.

5.For the salad, whisk the mustard, vinegar and oil together in a bowl. Place the lettuce leaves and pea shoots into a bowl, drizzle over the dressing and stir to coat.

6.To serve, place three scallops onto each of 2 serving plates and serve with a pile of salad.

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NUTTY TOFFEE APPLES INGREDIENTS: 6 Cox apples 6 small wooden ice lolly sticks 225g/8oz granulated sugar 110ml/4fl oz water 30g/1oz butter 2 tbsp golden syrup 4 tbsp finely chopped mixed nuts METHOD 1.Push the wooden sticks halfway into the apples at the stalk end.

2.Dissolve the sugar and water in a thick-bottomed pan over a gentle heat.

3.Add the butter and syrup to the mixture and bring to the boil. Continue to boil, without stirring, until the toffee reaches 140C/275F (use a sugar thermometer to measure this).

4.Remove the pan from the heat and gently stir in the nuts.

5.Carefully dip each apple into the toffee, making sure each apple is well coated, and set aside to harden on a baking try lined with non-stick parchment.

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LIVING

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APPLE CINNAMON ROLLS FOR THE FILLING 200g/7oz caster sugar 1 tbsp water 200ml/7fl oz whipping cream 3 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, chopped into small cubes

until the contents of the bowl comes together as a dough.

FOR THE DOUGH 250ml/8½fl oz full-fat milk 25g/1oz butter 500g/1lb strong white flour 1tsp salt 1 x 7g/¼oz sachet fast-action dried yeast vegetable oil, for greasing

7.Lightly oil a bowl with a little of the vegetable oil. Place the dough into the bowl and turn until it is covered in the oil. Cover the bowl with cling film and set aside in a warm place for one hour, or until the dough has doubled in size.

METHOD 1.For the filling, heat the sugar and water in a large saucepan set over a medium heat until the sugar melts and forms a caramel. (Do not stir the caramel.)

2.Meanwhile, gently warm the cream in a saucepan. Carefully, add one-third of the cream to the caramel and, once the bubbling has subsided, whisk in the remaining cream.

Pour the mixture into a bowl and set aside until completely cooked.

3.For the dough, warm the milk and butter in a saucepan until the butter has melted and the mixture is lukewarm.

4.Sift the flour and salt into a large bowl. Make a well in the centre and add the yeast.

5.Stir the milk mixture into the flour mixture

6.Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for five minutes, or until the dough is smooth and elastic.

8.Lightly grease two baking trays and line with greaseproof paper.

9.Knock the dough back to its original size and turn out onto a lightly floured work surface.

Roll the dough out into a large rectangle.

10.Drizzle half of the caramel over the dough then scatter with the chopped apples. Roll the dough into a tight cylinder and cut twelve 4cm/1½in slices from it.

11.Place the rolls, cut-side facing upwards, onto the baking trays. Cover with a tea towel and set aside to rise for 30 minutes.

12.Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.

13.Bake the rolls in the oven for 25-35 minutes, or until risen and golden-brown. Remove the rolls from the oven and set aside to cool on a cooling rack. Drizzle with the remaining caramel.

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