Volume 20, Issue 2 - The Conspiracy Theories Issue

THE HEGEMONOCLE Spring 2019 Volume 20 Issue 2

The MacalesTer

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 20, Issue 2 Spring 2019 The Conspiracy Theories Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Maeghan Sullivan ’20 *Zoe Berkovitz ‘20

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Autumn Campbell ‘21 Head Writers Ben Townsend ‘20 Jordan Schwed ‘21

DESIGN Head of Production Lidija Namike ‘21

EDITORS EMERITUS Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19 Edward Taketomo ’19 Justin Chen ‘19 Sophie Hannauer ’19 Will Milch ‘19

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Adam Rogowski ‘19 Erik Knisely ‘19 Ian Gorrell-Brown ‘19 Isaac Ward ‘19

Jacob Hill ‘19 Roland Munsil ‘19 Austin Jesko ‘21 Ethan Shaw ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21

Baxter Gordon ‘22 Jared Jageler ‘22 Kirk Lobban ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘22 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22

* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS Supersoakers full of hamburger meat Blowing the dust and wiping the cobwebs off of your douchey summer longboard Sipping a milkshake with your gal at the St. Paul Corner Drug Deciding to refer to ‘houses’ as ‘flats’ for a few months after/before doing study away They say that there are two seasons in Minnesota, winter and construction! *Snickers* Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2019.

A Letter From Between the Editors: Hey Zoe, Glad we will be co-EIC’s next year. Really looking forward to it. Want to write our Letter from the Editor together?

Best, Maeghan Zoe, InDesign makes no sense. All I do during production meetings is eat The Mac Weekly’s snacks I need you, Maeghan Dear Zoe, My position is made up! The managing editor doesn’t do anything! Now I’m in a position of power!?!?!

I have no idea what I’m doing I’m desperate, Megs Dearest Zoe, I miss you. The hege is filled with almost all white boys now. I can’t write a sex joke to save my life. I think I’m losing their respect. When Lidija and Autumn aren’t here, I’m consumed with loneliness. help, Maeghan My dear Zoe, I’m considering working for The Mac Weekly. They have better snacks. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Maeghan Darling Zoe, Update: I am now a lowly op-ed writer for the Mac Weekly. Pls come back -maeghan My beloved Zoe, NO!!!! I must continue the fight for shitty publications to still be infrequently published. Akin to a phoenix, I will RISE from the ASHES. best, Maeghan

dear maeghan, abroad, don’t text -zoe P.S. hege has always been almost all white boys; this is not news. and neither is the fact that you can’t write a sex joke. looking forward to ruling working over with you when I get back x

Having power is hard. Here’s to women reigning supreme!

Much love, Zoe and Maeghan Co-editors in Chief

Exlusive Behind the Scenes look into Macalester’s Infamous Circle Jerk Magazine (ST. PAUL) AP — Last Thursday night, Joshua Truwinkle (‘21) handed out a piece for group reading and workshop at a meeting of Macalester College’s only palatable satire publication, The Hegemonocle. The staff, arranged in a circle around tables in an undisclosed Campus Center conference room, each read through a printed copy of the article. Meager chuckles and soft exhales of air out the nose echoed through the painfully quiet room. “I think this can be fleshed out a little more,” offered one dispassionate reader. “You could do better.”

This insufferable incident is endemic of an incredible issue at the incredulous intramural. Macalester Administration ordered an independent review in an attempt to snuff out the source of the comedic wet-blankets. President Brian Rosenberg released a statement saying “Even though this club is technically ‘not on the books,’ my endowment money will no longer subsidize this sad excuse for a magazine.”

Dave DeBoone (‘22), one-time-attendee of a Hege meeting, and chair of the Macalester Jewish Caucus of Comedy Writers, had choice words for the most recent issue of the magazine: “It’s not haha funny. It’s not even nose exhale funny.

It’s more sad-funny. You know, sympathy laughs.”

Following the release of the external review, club writers were reportedly shocked at the findings. It cited “too many David Sisk jokes” and “an onslaught of cringey comments in the middle of meetings bringing down team morale.”

All in all, the study concludes that a full one third of all Hegemonocle writers were unbefitting of their positions, only joining the magazine because their grandmothers told them they were funny.

According to a source with intimate knowledge of the situation, Hegemonocle Executive Producer Sarah Shumichael (‘19) was quoted as saying, “You’d think that after 10 years we could’ve figured this shit out by now. This garbage right here is why we need tryouts. This isn’t Lele fucking Pons dead memes amateur hour. I’m this fucking close from clapping some first year cheeks.”

New Initiative from Health and Wellness The Health and Wellness Center has announced they will be installing a new program next month. “Here at the Health and Wellness center, we understand the struggle many students face with mental health,” our contact with the center told us, “that is why instead of hiring another counselor, we have instead decided to use Mac Missed Connections.”

While stress from classes, social life, and pressure to perform have all been attributed to a general decline in mental wellbeing, the Health and Wellness center has ranked “Not being thirsted over online” as the number 1 stressor in students. The fear of graduating a virgin, and never ringing the bell ranked number 2 and 4 respectively. “As such, we felt it was our duty to get involved in students’ sex life.”

When asked what this service would look like, our contact said “We’re in the very initial stages of rolling out this new program. For now, we’re just making templates based off of what is on Mac Missed Connections.”

Some of the templates they’ve discussed include: Is _____ into guys? _______ in Cafe Mac (heart eyes emoji) ______ looks like a dream.

I hope _______ is into girls.

Please help. I was taking a comp-sci class and fell asleep while drinking red bull. I woke up inside of my laptop and now I can’t get out. Please. Anyone.

Thirsty for some of that ______ _______, gender non-conforming individuals?

I want to gargle your _____ while four _____ dress up as my step-_____ and sing.

Despite just being announced, the service already has a waitlist of 3 months. In response, the Health and Wellness center has also announced the new “dial 69,” a new emergency service that immediately connects students with a sexy genderless voice who will tell you anything to get into your pants. “While ‘dial 69’ is by no means meant to replace real help, the temporary ego boost is designed to get students through hard times.”

The Health and Wellness center has also reportedly been looking at a group-therapy model for this new system, but have declined to respond when asked how trial runs have gone.

A Field Study part 2 The GYM After my brush with death that concluded my study of the Weedian, I have decided to get back on the proverbial horse.

The gym to the South has always perplexed me as an ecosystem.

As the sun emerges and reflects upon the snow into the windows, all is quiet. I mount a treadmill to avoid being trampled in the case of a stampede. My caution was justified, the double doors fling open and seemingly-intermittent flocks of species burst forth, a procession that truly captures the awe of nature. My heart races. As the dust settles and the floor reveals wet footprints, a calm reminiscent of that at a desert watering hole seems to take hold. The groups separate into their respective species, honoring the unspoken rules of the space.

Each group is cloaked in luxurious and colorful plumage, perfected by eons of coevolution. They squawk, ruffle their feathers and begin a most unusual yet exquisite display. The larger and more aggressive members of the flock quickly utilize the territory in a repetitious display of strength. With audible grunts increasing in volume, they rhythmically heave weighted objects into the air. I am unsure of the exact purpose of this action, but well-developed upper body muscles seem to correlate to its execution. The flocks, ever near, call, whoop, bark, and chirp around them in affirmation. I have surmised this is called “hyping”- encouraging their group members hearty display.

The rest of the gym’s population steals glances at this performance before resuming their activities. Perhaps out of jealousy of this impressive display? I believe embarrassment and discomfort are more likely causes.

Proving to be territorial, group members shout and nip at the heels of competing groups. Land here proves to be valuable and abundant. Like mountain rams, they butt their stubborn heads.

To the gym’s outskirts (but nonetheless blocking migratory pathways), long legged animals raise their knees in a prideful display, trotting around in a circle. Their vibrant coats shine beautifully—a lively procession indeed!!

Engrossed in observation, I have failed to notice my own safety in peril. The treadmills around me have become quite active and overpopulated. I feel stares behind me, like vultures, more solitary animals greedily lie in wait to pounce and claim the space as I step off. I worry this part of the gym has reached a carrying capacity.

Perhaps I should resume my studies in a less tumultuous habitat.

That or I shall take up botany.

BREAKING NOW Bon Appetit Teams up with Geology Department for Fossil-Return Amnesty Day At the end of each semester a table appears inside of the Campus Center with a sign labeled DISH RETURN. Students pile on scratched-up mugs, pale green plates, and heaps of silverware.

This initiative, started by former Bon Appetit Macalester manager Perry Hicks, began when Hicks noticed that hundreds of dishes and kitchenware were being taken from Cafe Mac by students. Any student can corroborate this, and fortunately, the policy of amnesty for dish deviants has proven effective. Cafe Mac recovers most (not all) of their dishes, students avoid punishment, and the world goes marching on.

When Geology Department Chair Raymond Rogers noticed the dish-return table outside of Cafe Mac last year, an idea rocked his head. “Well, it’s no secret that by the end of the year our model dinosaur skeletons are looking a little skimpy, and we have about half as many fossils in the lab than at the beginning. I’ve seen students with bones jutting out of their backpacks, but I never wanted to be the bad guy that called them out. Now... I just want them returned.”

From May 6th-13th for the second year in a row, a table will be set up on the bottom floor of Ol-Ri with a sign marked “FOSSIL RETURN.” Students are encouraged to come by and drop off any fossils that they may have “ended up with” by the end of the semester, and they are offered full amnesty to do so. The Hege was also made aware that this year the fossil-return and dishreturn tables will be visibly separated so as to avoid the coffee-stained trilobites that dampered last year’s return.

Fossil Free Mac has taken an oppositional stance to the amnesty deal calling the college “fossil-hungry.” A member of the org said “It’s enough that we already invest $40 million in fossil fuels but now we’re going to waste dozens of dollars recovering actual fossils? I don’t think so. Just take a look at all of the many Facebook users who are supporting our message of a fossil free campus. It’s the will of the students that these fossils stay out of the hands of greedy professors.”

The Hege received an inside scoop that Fossil Free Mac is planning a protest a la Burlington Coat Factory.

Any scab that walks into Olin-Rice with the intention of returning fossils can expect to be doused in dinosaur blood thrown by members of the org.

Says Rogers, “Look, these little twerps don’t know how to love the fossils like I do. I care about them, sing to them, feed them. In the middle of the night when they’re lonely are any of these kids visiting them and cuddling them? Breathing softly on the back of them…?

They’re mine dammit!”

W

Seniors Predict Mac’s future MacStartups Shuts Down 5 Macalester Seniors Receive HalfBright Scholarship Philosophy Department unsure if it exists or not International Studies senior lands sick job abroad at Burger King in Zambia Bri-Ro announces plans to return to his native Crab Nebula following 2020 departure Hegemonocle to be renamed the Mac Monthly Mac Track and Field realize they can have faster times if they run THROUGH the hurdles - set record times MacHoverBoard varsity team sets record for longest losing streak in NCAA history

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o Ca Advice from leb rne ) r Graduating Seniors to Incoming First Years (f t

Welcome to the best ____(optimistic number) years of your life. It’s taken a lot of sweat and ___(bodily fluid) to make it to this pinnacle, but don’t worry. Macalester students are always glad to _____(verb), especially if you are from _____ (UWC Campus) and have ______(political view left of center) values. At Macalester, you will learn _______(non-applicable skill). We offer ______ (number between 0 and 3) opportunities to grow yourself into a ____(adjective meaning average) person. As the ____(adjective meaning lost) class, we offer these hacks: • ______(intense verb) the bell on your first day.

It’s a power move.

• Submit as many ____(literally any noun) as possible to Chanter. They are the coolest clique on campus.

• Brian Rosenberg’s unused Presidents’ mansion is only going to be empty for another year.

Have a goodbye _________(noun).

• Never eat _____(type of animal food product) on Mondays. It upsets your stomach.

And remember, pretend to be someone you’re not in order to make as many friends as possible.

XOXO _______(Caleb) and ________(Will)

1661 Grand Lot announced to be permanent home for new crane Marlon James reveals he always imagined Ron Weasley as a metaphor for climate change

23

U.N. General Secretaries that will graduate from Carleton

0.07

Average blood alcohol level of therapy dogs on campus

B R I A N ’ S GA ME A new fundraising opportunity has appeared for Macalester! President Brian Rosenberg has generously agreed to open his secretive, illegal poker ring to Mac alumni and benefactors.

In solidarity for this kindness, the Student Office of Jobs, Employment and Careers has offered students new tier 1 positions to help out. Math majors are encouraged to count cards and learn to deal—Vegas style. Shifts range from 3am - 8am to accommodate breakfast and Brian Rosenberg’s nocturnal behavior. As an incentive, extra pay is offered to students who introduce new suckers—I mean players—to join this light-hearted and in no way legally liable group! Current members of the ring include PBR, other liberal arts school presidents, and all the old men we could find in the LC and Cafe Mac. The men’s water polo team has so graciously volunteered to serve drinks prepared by our own Cafe Mac workers.

It is worth noting - the Macalester Board of Health, Safety, and Gambling will not be held accountable if any faculty or student says too much and is stabbed with a broken wine bottle.

HEGE CRIME REPORT SECURITY IN SEARCH OF STUDENT WITH FJALLVALRAFEN FALLJALLRAVEN FALAFEL RAVEN BACKPACK As of Monday, Macalester Security has interrogated over 80% of the student body in search of a thief, who was seen dressed in a grey beanie, plaid scarf, and Blundstones. While there has been no luck so far in identifying a single suspect, security has identified over 600 students that may have been involved in the crime. Suspecting a larger conspiracy on campus, security has published the following statement: “If no one steps up, we are going to put ALL suspect students into solitary confinement - Dupre singles with taped over windows.”

The class of 2022 has responded positively to the threat, saying that they will be more than glad to move off campus for the next few days to help the cause.

HEGE MADNESS 2019 Folks, it’s that time of the year again: The HegeCAA Tournment. Our favorite institutions will battle out to see which is the most superior campus force. It’s impossible to predict a perfect bracket, but we tried anyway to guess who’s winning this tour-de-force of campus culture.

CAFE MAC REGION

OLRI REGION

(1) Founder’s Day vs. (4) The Mac Weekly (Line -11): Folks, our first game is the battle of the sub-pars: a sub-par celebration and a subpar newspaper. While they both make you want to puke, they have different methods to achieve this goal. Founder’s Day wins by a comfortable margin.

(1) The Weedian vs. (3) Cheryl Doucette (Line -5): Cheryl controls the news media, while The Weedian controls First Years who haven’t yet realized that smoking weed doesn’t make them cool or edgy. Cheryl Doucette and her fake news empire reign supreme once again.

(1) Winter Ball vs. (4) Durbin the Urban Wind Turbine (Line -5): Folks, every year Winter Ball fails to live up to its lofty expectations: they have not made it out of the first round of the tournament in 10 years! However, they claim this year will be different: it’s at the Veggie Coop! Meanwhile, Durbin was a surprise entry, considering the fact that it is unable to power anything on campus. However, don’t count out this plucky start-up! Winter Ball, once again, fails to live up to expectations. Durbin wins in a shocker.

(2) The ghost of Kofi Annan vs. (3) DeWitt Wallace (Line -4.20): Normally a one seed, Annan’s death was viewed unfavorably in the Selection Committee’s eye. However, Kofi has a building named after him, and the last time I checked DeWitt Wallace doesn’t…. err nevermind.

Kofi lives on in our memory, and moves on in the tournament.

OLD MAIN REGION (1) Max the Cat vs. (4) Bubba the Dog (Line -78): This one is easy. Max the Cat is a BELOVED figure at Macalester, a true champion of the working class and people banned from the library (looking at you, Tim O’Brien). Bubba is just some rando dog that they bring in when Kevin is on “vacation” (read: rehab).

Max the Cat trounces Bubba the Dog, blocking Bubba 11 times.

(2) Lib 3 Study Room vs. (3) Idea Lab (Line -6.9): It’s unfair, really. To be robbed of one powerhouse after just the first round? What was the selection committee thinking?! Anyway, expect a close one here folks: the pure, raw hormones of the Lib 3 Study Room is unsettling and powerful, but it is no match for the true entrepreneurial and capitalist spirit of the Idea Lab. The Idea Lab wins at the buzzer.

TEAMS THAT MISSED THE CUT: DAVID SISK (RIP), THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH PROTESTERS, STUDENT ATHLETES, THE POLAR VORTEX, SPRINGFEST

CARNEGIE REGION (1) Brian Rosenberg vs. (4) The Chanter (Line: -22): Despite his modest income, Rosenberg is still a perennial contender for the Golden Condom. Will his knowledge of Dickens be too much for The Chanter? We think so. The Chanter “Submits” to BriRo’s will, losing in the first round (again).

(2) The Campus Squirrels vs. (3) Walter Mondale (Line -420): Those squirrels are nasty, I once saw one grab a packet of ranch from the trash can and swallow it whole. Also, they THICC af. Walter Mondale didn’t even graduate from Macalester. It’s a crime that he’s even in the tournament. The Campus Squirrels win 525 to 13.

Go to the next page to fill out the bracket for yourself!

(1) Founder’s Day

Cafe Mac Region

(4) The Mac Weekly

(2) The Weedian

(3) Cheryl Doucette

(1) Winter Ball (4) Durbin the Urban Wind Turbine

(2) The Ghost of Kofi Annan

(3) DeWitt Wallace

Champion: Old Main Region

OLRI Region

(1) Max the Cat

(4) Bubba the Dog

(2) Lib 3 Study Room

(3) Idea Lab

(1) Brian Rosenberg

(4) The Chanter

(2) The Campus Squirrels

Carnegie Region

(3) Walter Mondale

Candles flicker in the background. You take another sip of your red wine, straight from your winery in Sonoma. The soothing voice from your audiotape fills the background as you submerge deeper into your bubble bath. “Have a heart that never grows weary, a temper that never, never tires and a…” Suddenly, you hear a knock on the door–which is made out of a California Redwood, a gift from your old friend Walter Mondale. At the door, it’s your butler, Charles. You bellow, “Charles! You KNOW not to disturb ME during MY bubble bath!”.

“I’m sorry sir, but the students… they are protesting again.”

“AGAIN!??!” you shout, as you smash your diamond glass onto the floor, watching it shatter into a million pieces.

“What could they possibly want?” you bellow. “th-th-they want cheesy eggs at every station” Charles whispers, trembling.

“WHAAAT!? I already gave them free condoms, what more could they possibly want now? Divestment from Fossil Fuels? The Administration to properly address hate speech and racism on the campus?”

“I don’t know sir, all I know is that the students are marching towards us across the weedian right now, demanding cheesy eggs.”

You get out of your bath and put on your bathrobe, fashioned out of Tim O’Brien’s old war uniform. You stride back and forth on your solid gold floor, gifted from Kevin the Dog. You are at a crossroads. Your kingdom is slowly crumbling, but you’re not quite ready to let go. You let out a deep sigh.

“Charles, it is time. Get my phone.”

“Sir, are you really sure that you want to do this? There has to be another option!”

“No Charles, there isn’t. I need to call him.”

“SIR, NO DON’T DO IT, I NEED YOU” Charles sobs, grabbing your ankle.

“CHARLES! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. I’ll be fine… don’t worry about me”. You pick up your Blackberry.

“Hello, Max? I need a favor”.

“Meow.”

“It’s the students… they are protesting again. Can you come to campus and act all cute and shit?” “meeeeoooowwww” “Yes, I can meet those standards”. “purr.”

“No, I can’t possibly give you that!”

“MEOW. “Fine, Fine! Have it. You monster, just get here as fast as you can”.

You slam down your emerald bedazzled phone, an heirloom of the Dayton family. Charles creeps in.

“Sir…” “I did it. The campus is saved”.

“Wh-what did it cost?”

“Everything.”

MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT ROSENBERG

--->

(Draft: '[Student-announce-] A Message to the Community’) To the members of the Macalester community, I write to share the tragic news that I will be concluding my service as President of Macalester College on May 31, 2005 2014 2020. I am making this announcement now in order to allow sufficient time for the Board of Trustees and the Macalester community to conduct an honestly quite time consuming a careful and thorough search for someone that gives a rat’s ass about your precious desire to divest fossil fuels [comment: I definitely can’t say this] my successor.

As I have often said, the opportunity to serve as the President of Macalester has been by far the greatest trial privilege of my schemes professional life. The longer I have stayed, the more powerful I have become impressed I have been by the excellence of our faculty, the dedication of the staff with whom I have worked side by side, and especially the passionate determination of our students and alumni to create a more wealthy just and peaceful world. Macalester, remember my name, Brian Rosenberg, President of Presidents; Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair. Macalester’s best days lie not in its past or present, but in its future. I will, during the next fourteen months, give or take, do all in my immense power to ensure that that future is one in which we can be wealthy proud.

Cheers, With gratitude, Brian Rosenberg BRIAN ROSENBERG President 651-696-6207 | brosenberg@bpOilCompany.org [comment: I should wait on this one] rosenbergb@macalester.edu

Seniors,

We give up. It’s been how many fuckin’ months and you still haven’t found a job? After all of the fairs–so many fairs with popcorn and bouncy-houses and cotton candy and snowcones–you still decided not to pursue a career as a common carnie? I mean at least go be a fuckin’ toll-booth operator or a camp counselor or deal drugs or something. Jesus. Well, congratulations, cause you work for us now, and I’m going to tell you right now that the office has been kind of dysfunctional lately. Mary won’t stop blaring Marilyn Manson from her office, and John keeps bringing in PB & Tuna sandwiches for lunch.

First Steps: 1. Pack everything you own into a 20 x 20 x 20 box and then drop it in your new Dupre residency.

2. Attend mandatory reeducation led by Handshake in the first floor of Markhim Hall.

3. Get ready to deal with the next batch of incompetent matriculating students.

Job Openings: • • •

Call Screener—Field calls from alumni upset that their money is going to an institution that only invests $40 million in fossil fuels.

Handshake coordinator—Make sure that we are appeasing Handshake either through sacrifices, sexual favors, or bribes.

Job Fair Attendant—Operate the Hall of Mirrors. Make sure to dispose of the blazed seniors who get stuck halfway through.

Benefits of the job include: Residence in Dupre Hall, the Plan E meal plan (unlimited access to the soft-serve machine, but nothing else), and loan forbearance up to $30.

Apathetically, CDC Staff

Congratulations newly-employed Seniors! Stop by the Hegemonocle office with your CDC ID and receive one free Hege business card—no one’s gonna ask for it anyway!

A Message to Macalester’s Community of POC Students Are you one of the few–if not only–brown or black student on your floor? Do you constantly feel out of place, sticking out in floor meetings, parties, or your class on Black Feminism? When you poop in the communal bathrooms, do you feel self conscious about your neighbor identifying your feet, writhing in the sweet agony of emptying your bowels after an ill-fated cup of the you-colored Café Mac coffee?

Well, we have the solution for you! Instead of asking the impossible of Macalester’s admissions, Mac’s Diversity Awareness Team has decided to add privacy dividers in each bathroom, so you and your white neighbors can blow ass in peace!

Using Macalester’s state-of-the-art technology, entrepreneurial genius, and funds from the DewittWallace Foundation, each public bathroom on campus will have the image of lily-white feet printed on each divider, strategically placed underneath each stall. So, when you’re doing your business in the bathroom, your presence will be hidden from your white peers, finally giving you the peace of mind and comfort you deserve.

So next time you let out a steamy big one, remember to thank PBR and the diversity coordinators of Macalester College for the opportunity to finally feel at home!

The Diversity Coordinators, Macalester College April 26, 2019

Diversity Coordinators 1600 Grand Ave. Saint Paul, Minnesota 55105-1899

diversity@macalester.edu

A Brand-New, “Patented”, Hegemonocle Personality Self-Help Quiz Answer honestly, and check your results on the next page!

It’s 5pm on a Saturday night, and you have nothing planned. What do you do?

A) Curl up with a good book and a cup of tea.

B) Head to a party! There’s nothing better than having a horrible time on a weekend night.

C) Begin to plan my daring escape from the island I’ve been exiled to.

D) Pregame for the Kagin.

What is your greatest fear?

A) Too much attention.

B) Being ignored.

C) Russian winters.

D) Never making a difference.

What’s your major?

A) English.

B) Sociology!

C) French, obviously.

D) Political science.

When you’re working in a group, what role do you naturally take?

A) I like to stay in the background, doing my work without getting in anyone’s way.

B) I’m good at figuring out who should be doing what. I like taking charge!

C) I am the greatest military commander in history, you tête de nœud! In groups, I lead my soldiers to rule continental Europe for nearly a decade!

D) I snap when people say things that I disagree with.

What’s your favorite genre of music?

A) I prefer classical.

B) Pop! C) The drums of my soldiers marching across battlefields, my enemies bleeding dry around me.

D) Alternative rock.

Which piece of clothing in your wardrobe will you never get rid of?

A) My cardigan. It’s so comfy!

B) The swimsuit I take to every pool party.

C) My tricorn hat.

D) The Consent is Mac shirt, obviously.

R e s u l t s If you answered mostly A You are a ham-fisted caricature of an introvert, you edgelord. In what shitty fanfiction do you live? You know you have to talk to people sometimes, right? Get down off your high horse and join the rest of us in real life, where books are for nerds and magazines are for geeks.

If you answered mostly B You’re just as bad as the last guy! Something about these quizzes really draws out the crazies, huh? If you really live the way you say you do, there’s no way your liver isn’t straining to escape your insides. Play it safe and see your local practitioner for alcohol poisoning.

If you answered mostly C You are Napoleon Bonaparte, the only rational person taking this quiz and the disgraced ex-Emperor of France, leader of one of the most successful military campaigns in history. You have a tendency to end up exiled on tiny islands, though, so watch out for that: they’re going to try that one a second time.

If you answered mostly D You probably attend Macalester College. Oh, it’s in St. Paul. Yeah, Minnesota, that’s the one. Yeah, it does get really cold up there. At this point, there’s nothing we can say to help you. No advice can save you from the life you’re going to lead.

MCEMS Sample Patient Care Report for EMT Macalester College Emergency Medical Services Practical Stations Dupre Hall Call Location____________________________________________________________ Alexander [REDACTED]

Macalester College Virginia Office of EMS Grand Ave Division of Educational1600 Development Saint Paul, Park MN 55105 1041 Technology Drive 651-696-6000 Glen Allen, VA 23059

804-888-9120

April 26, 2019 Date____________________

18

M

White

Patient Name _____________________________________________ Age_____ Years/Months Sex ____ Race _____ Time 1:15 am

LOC Barely ______

Alert

Pulse Rate:

Respirations Rate:

80

8

Yes ___ Increased/Labored OR

Pain

Decreased/Fatigued

Yes Unresp ______

____ Palpated Yes

Alert

____ Not Obtained

____ Not Obtained

____ Unable to

____ Unable to

Rate:

Rate:

Assesment Findings: ______

___Decreased

____ Not

Obtained

______

Perfusion ___ Normal

___ Increased not labored

Raspy Voice ______ ______

BP

___ Normal

____ Absent

YesNot ____ Obtained

EYE:

____ R > L

VERBAL: VERBAL:

____ L > R

MOTOR: TOTAL: N/A

____ CON ____ UNREACT

___ Normal

___ Increased not labored

Voice

GCS Score

____ PERL

Yes ____ DIL

____ Unable to

___ Normal

Pupils

____ PERL

EYE:

____ R > L

VERBAL:

At 1:00 am MCEMS fielded an anonymous call that informed them of a situation in the ____ Dupre 5 East men's bathroom. Upon arrival to the scene, head EMT Palpated ___ Increased/Labored OR ___Decreased [redacted], ______ noticedPain a muffled whimper coming from a shower stall. In the stall they found a male subject wearing only underwear superficial signs ____ L > R and showing MOTOR: of diabetic dermotherapy—red-blotched and scaly skin. The marks covered 95% of the subject’s body and when asked what happened the subject repeated over Decreased/Fatigued ____ Not and over again: Find me a turtleneck! Pleaseeeeee." First Year Eddy Tak informed the responding personnel that "I woke up an hour ago to take a ______"Turtleneck!

Unresp TOTAL: ____ DIL leak and when I got to the bathroom that’s when I saw Alexander. Well, it looked a lot like Alexander but different. Like his body had turned inside out. Red Obtained and purple everywhere. I asked if someone____ gotNot a little lovebite.

He said he didn't know what I was talking ____him Not Obtained Obtained ____ Absent ____ Notabout. He told ____me CONto go away and leave him be."

EMTs decided to hoist the subject from the floor and carry him to his dorm room. At the subject's dorm roomObtained a female student opened the door to receive him.

Unable to Unable to ____ Unable to ____ UNREACT She told the EMTs "he loves ____ it when I mark my____ territory."

EMTs then departed from the scene having determined the cause of the unusual appearance to be superficial suctioning of the skin. On their way out they noticed Tak saying "He's just another hickey-boy now. Pathetic."

Assessment Findings Treatment Reccomendations MCEMS recommends skin grafts taken from the 5% of unsuctioned skin, or supplied by a donor. In addition it is suggested that school approve Alexander's request for funding in order to clother his naked skin. Turtlenecks, hoodies, and neck warmers will all be a necessity

Treatment Performed

Lead Name

Assist Name ALL INFORMATION MUST BE LEGIBLE TO BE COUNTED

Page 1 Virginia Office of Emergency Medical Services www.vdh.virginia.gov/oems EMS.TR.65

LC Bathroom Use

Max the Cat Construction Zones Within Five Miles of Campus

Pipe Cleaners in the Idea Lab

Mac Missed Connections

Scotty’s Eaten

Hours Following a Kagin

REDACTED Number of Mac Students Practicing Scientology

Amount of Graphs

Scotty’s Eaten

Rectal Prolapse

Blood Donors to Children’s Miracle Network

Scotty’s Eaten

Scotty’s Eaten

Blank Pages in the Hege That Need to be Filled

Brian’s Crow It’s near midnight on a Wednesday in April and the gray hallways of Macalester’s Theater and Dance Building are dark. A distant custodian turns a corner somewhere and I hear his vacuum rumble and then fade. The only other sound comes from a dance studio whose lights flood into the snowy courtyard behind it. I enter and blaring music accosts me. It’s an instrumental version of A Chorus Line’s opening song: “I Hope I Get It.” Standing in the middle of the room a svelte man raises his hand and waves to me, then lifts it in rhythm. Brian Rosenberg bends his body, singing the lyrics and gyrating his way across the dance floor. Glitter on his face reflects the overhead pink lights. He strikes a pose. I applaud.

Earlier this month Brian announced in a campus-wide email that he would be stepping away from his role as Macalester’s President at the end of the 2019-2020 school year. What he didn’t announce, and why I’m here now, is the reason that he’s leaving after more than a decade and a half on the job.

Brian wants to be an actor.

Brian tells me that in his house growing up he dreamed of being a thespian, but it was always that, a dream. “Well I come from a line of Dickens scholars. My Dad studied Dickens at the University of Chicago, and his Dad at Oberlin College. I grew up in a little Dickens town in Colorado, where the main employer was the Dickens publishing house. Dad would come home in his reading glasses face all black from the ink and he’d sit me down and just recite Dickens’ passages from memory. My real first name is Charles, actually, but I go by my middle name to differentiate from my brothers. My older sister was the dark horse of the family because she went and studied Mark Twain, and after that, being the youngest sibling, ya know, the decision was kind of made for me. But I had other dreams.”

He goes on: “It’s always been in the back of my mind that if the Dickens thing didn’t work out, then maybe I’d give it a shot. And then they gave me the presidency and I figured I’d be out of Mac by 2010 at the latest. An actor peaks in his late 50s so I had this whole building built just to prime me for my own prime. I had it all set up, it was gonna be real. It is gonna be real. But then I kind of just stuck around” says Rosenberg whose 16 years at Macalester mark the longest tenure of any president since the early 1900s.

Long an open-secret, and to the fear and disdain of the custodial staff, Brian spends three or four nights a week roaming Macalester’s facilities. “I’m usually in Theater and Dance. That’s my home base, where I feel comfortable and where I can just bug out and fantasize about barely getting by as an actor.

But sometimes I can’t be on stage or in the studio. I’ve got to seperate myself from the work for a while, so I’ll go over to the LC and just swim laps in the dark. I’ll float in the pool, hold my breath, pretend the water is a big womb. I’m just a little egg-dwelling Brian in this great big world. The water energizes me, but humbles me too. I urinate and the warmth relaxes me. And then after I swim I go to Cafe Mac and just stick my mouth underneath the chocolate ice cream spigot. I call it a cold-pour. Getting out of the theater and around campus makes it so much easier to enjoy the time that I do act.”

On this particular night though, Brian is feeling it.

Drenched in sweat and bobbing up and down, as soon as “I Hope I Get It” finishes, Brian curls his lips in and begins to sing in an astonishingly high-pitched voice. “EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU I DON’T UNDERSTANDDD, WHY YOU LET THE THINGS YOU DO GET SO OUT OF HANDDD.” I recognize the tune from “Jesus Christ: Superstar” but decline to sing along even after Brian shimmies over to me and extends

a slippery hand. Sweat pours off of him and his white stubble is a particular shade of hopeful.

His calves are cut, his leotard taut, and his muscles like little spires animating a skyline.

After the song wraps up he moves seamlessly into a series of Shakespearean soliloquies and then finally scoots up to me.

Brian looks dreamily at the snow outside.

“So here I am after 30 years in academia and I’ve finally got the means to go move out West and begin my life.

Besides, even if I do end up broke and homeless in LA, the students will finally respect me. But that’s not going to happen because me and Danai go way back. I’m planning on arriving unannounced and crashing with her for a while. I’ve already sold my house on Summit as well as the chapel just to buy my plane ticket and have money for food. That should be enough money, right? I haven’t gone shopping for myself in a while, but I always leave IOUs when I take food from Cafe Mac. $15 for an ice cream or $20 for some curly fries. I’m just a normal guy trying to make it.”

I spend the next two hours watching Brian dance and act and cry and laugh and I can’t help but laugh with him. Before this interview, Bruce Kissler, class of ‘99, member of the Board of Trustees and veteran of the community theater circuit, told me that “Bri-Bri’s got what it takes. He’s handsome, powerful, upper-middle-class, and white. I’ve got no doubt that should he want to pursue acting, no one will tell him it’s a terrible idea and he’ll probably move out there and be oblivious to it all. Kind of like Tommy Wiseau in ‘The Room.’”

From just ten minutes with Brian I can tell that Bruce was right. He’s dynamic, confident, and a hopelessly terrible actor. I mean like really fuckin’ bad. His agent, the recently-departed David Sisk, calls his style Sandler-esque, but I’ve got the feeling that Brian sees himself as more of a Russel Crowe.

Before I exit the room Brian turns to me, glitter drifting off of his cheeks, and says “This feels right.

This is what happiness feels like.”

A Selection of Conversations Overheard at La musée International des Memes (The International Museum of Memes), Originally Founded in 2056.

“In this piece, XxX_DoggHouseBoii_XxX uses the Android “Laughing while Crying” emoji instead of the far more typical iOS variant. To the casual viewer, it may seem like a simple mistake, but many scholars argue that it is a deliberate choice. By using the emoji from the cheaper (but more common) Android operating system, he invites us to consider that the ubiquity of the iOS emojis reproduced classist ideas that the iPhone was the “normal” phone brand even though it was far less common. He paints a picture of a world where Android emojis are the norm, as they rightfully should be.”

XxX_DoggHouseBoii_XxX

“Here we see one of the first memes, made by a primitive, early people. It is difficult to discern the meaning, as we know so little about it, but it seems that the cat, because it is fat, desires the ‘cheezburger’. Why this was funny, we may never know.

“Sorry for the dumb question, but - what exactly is the difference between post-post-meta-pseudo-post-ironic memes and post-meta-meta-pseudo-ironic memes?”

Can I has Cheezburger

“This work is from PM_ME_CAT_VAGINAS’s early period, which was primarily defined by JPEG compression levels in the unusually high 5-7 range. The next piece we’ll see is from their Black Period, where they moved towards compressing their works multiple times, and explored frequent use of the Photoshop ‘plastic wrap’ filter.” ~ Creepy Condescending Wonka

“If you wanna really get into the literature, it’s important to be familiar with the taxonomic names. This one here is Maleamica Distractus, and this one is Cerebera Galactica. ~ “This is obviously an authentic MyNeckMySack piece. It has all the characteristics of her other deep-fried works!”

“Are you daft? MyNeckMySack was well known for her commitment to authenticity. A careful examination of this piece reveals that though it looks like she used the Instagram “Rise” filter, it is fact just a simple brown tint. Do you really Hey Mom think she would be satisfied with a simple brown tint?”

“Normally, no, but we have records indicating that she had lost her phone at the time, and would not have had access to Instagram!”

“Oh, please. There were other ways of applying Instagram filters, and she certainly would have gone to any lengths to ensure authenticity! Next you’ll tell me she would have been willing to stoop so low as to create a piece without using Comic Sans!” ~

MyNeckMySack “This USB drive contains the only known remaining copy of the original galaxy brain meme, with no compression or filters. Bidding starts at $10,000,000.” ~ The Last Copy of the Original Brain Galaxy Meme “We can actually use these memes to learn about the cultures that produced them! For example, many memes from this period refer to an “N-word pass” and to a “big tiddy goth girl gf ”. We believe the “big tiddy goth girl gf ” may be some sort of goddess who people hoped to earn the favor of, and the “N-word pass” may be a reference to some now-lost epic poem, as these memes always express a desire to obtain it, much like the mythical golden fleece.” ~

Walter

“This piece, part of her ‘found comments’ series and simply titled “Walter”, is one of her most mysterious works. Functionally, it is just a screenshot, but the content invites a flurry of questions – who is Walter Clements? On which video are they commenting? Is it their real name? And, most importantly: why do they say ‘walter’? Is it a mistake? An intentional non-sequitur? Or does it mean something more to them – something that only they could have understood?

To further add to the mystery of this piece, no one has ever been able to find the original comment. It may be a complete fiction, or it may have simply been lost to the mists of time. I invite you all to consider how your interpretation of the piece would change if it was found to be fictitious”

Your guide to last minute love this semester <3

Another semester gone by without a date? Before you turn to Tinder, Hege has some tips on where to find last minute love this semester...

Kagins - The trash option. We all know this. Don’t do it.

Founder’s Day - No better time to fall in love than at the sweat fest that is Cafe Mac *transformed* into Cafe Mac but with more tablecloths and free soda (isn’t it always free???)

Info desk - You both lost your Principles of Econ textbook at the same time? Wow, what a coincidence! You’ll either fight to the death or fall deeply in love. Your choice.

For the record though, textbooks are pretty damn expensive In line at Cafe Mac - That awkward, lanky, only-wears-sweatpants kid in line next to you? Might have a heart of gold. Utilize some conversation starters such as “What’s your favorite cafe mac dessert?” or “What do you think of the influence of capitalism in our agricultural markets, resulting the the mass production of the food we consume today…?”

During class - Maybe that kid that annoys the living shit out of you during class actually has a good soul. Maybe if you get to know him, he’ll learn to acknowledge your opinions. Sprinkle some holy water on him “on accident”. If he burns, you’ll know who you’re dealing with.

At the LC - You’re sweaty, they’re sweaty; love is gross. And the sauna is warm.

Library study room - Apparently the beanbags in the library are called love sacks? Have at it.

Music practice room - major mistake, minor reward :-( 18+ night at Gay Nineties - You’re sweaty, they’re sweaty; love is gross. And filled with drag queens.

What is your major’s

CONSPIRACY THEORY? Old Main ENGLISH: Marlon James has a ghostwriter CLASSICS: Andy Overman is the one that poisoned Socrates for corrupting the youth HISTORY: Just a gateway career to become a state farm agent WGSS: RACIST

Carnegie Science Hall POLITICAL SCIENCE: [REDACTED] SOCIOLOGY: Just the Marxist Studies department for the fence-sitters.

ECONOMICS: The department is repaying World Bank and IMF loans from the 70s

INTERNATIONAL STUDIES: They only pursued International Studies

because they didn’t get into their first choice UWC ANTHROPOLOGY: They’re collecting information on humans for The Mothership

Olin-Rice NEUROSCIENCE: Not a real major, just something to make pre-med

students feel useful.

BIOLOGY: There is a cadaver lab CHEMISTRY: The chem professors run a drug ring to raise funds for a new IR machine PHYSICS: The stargazing nights are really just so they can communicate with The Mothership COMPUTER SCIENCE: 6d 61 64 65 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 6f 6f 6b MATHEMATICS: Lost the bet against Theater and Dance Majors to get custody of new building GEOLOGY: Supports fossil fuel investment PSYCHOLOGY: all psychology classes are taught in Olri 352 ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES: They pollute the Mississippi and are only powered by coal stoves and orphan tears.

GEOGRAPHY: G.I.S. stands for “guys in swimsuits ;;;DDDD”

J-Wall and Theatre Building MUSIC: The department closed 10k to have more concerts in Mairs ART HISTORY: Secretly boring... except they burned down the old theatre building

STUDIO ART: Sponsored by Big Crayola THEATER AND DANCE: Won the bet against Math majors to get custody of

Neill Hall AMERICAN STUDIES: A way for Mac GOP to prove they’re not racist MEDIA AND CULTURAL STUDIES: For Philosophy students that want to get a job (or at least thinks it’ll help them get a job)

CRITICAL THEORY: Secretly pretentious PORTUGUESE: The professors are really just speaking spanish with a really bad accent

LINGUISTICS: They only speak Esperanto FRENCH AND FRANCOPHONE STUDIES: Has lost twice in battle to the German department JAPANESE: All of the weebs are a false flag attempt by China to mak Japan look bad internationally.

LATIN AMERICAN STUDIES: Was formed on the same day as the Iran-Contra affair.

CHINESE: Secretly runs Cafe Mac East to make sure Americans never really know Chinese cuisine RUSSIAN STUDIES: The new baddies

GERMAN STUDIES: The old baddies

We Do

You and I are in a group marriage now. Yes, you, the person reading this. No, don’t look around like this is referring to someone else. You know exactly who you are. We are now sister wives...or husbands...or married peoples. You know that guy from your chemistry class who talks over the professor, you’re married to him, too. You know that person you grinded on at the Beyoncé Kagin two years ago? Yeah, you’re married to them. Do you remember last winter, when that girl coughed on you and didn’t even say sorry?

You’re, like, super married now, and you’ll be sharing a lot more than germs. You know, like that song? “Imagine you and me, and me and you, and 13 other people too?” We are many who have come together to lead a life most pleasing to nature.

I know you’ll need time to adjust, but I can answer any inquiries about your new life of multiwedded ultra-bliss. Why, you’re asking? Because we noticed you--your stout, strong arms will work perfectly in plowing our fields and tending to our beasts. How did this happen? As soon as you took this copy of the Hegemonocle, you agreed to it, till death do us part--all of us. Where?

If I told you in a public magazine, I would tip off the police about our violation of St. Paul’s unrelated-persons-cohabitation limit. I hear you asking, “But aren’t you (it’s we now) all married now?” Not in the way the state recognizes, Spouse 26. What do we do? We do everything together: eating, working, classes, praying, sleeping, all except for sex. It’s an entirely nonphysical marriage. Human copulation is a dirty sin and frowned upon. Look out for any one of us. We’re ready to initiate you into our holy, many-person union.

We’ll keep in touch, honey.

Collect-a-Brian I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it

chop chop on the block minecraft blow my big brain up tonight ima fight til a creeper is in sight big crock on my pot when my chicken stew is hot oh oho oh oh oho oh

he’s big and he’s strong he knows no limits he will slurp down spaghetti in one gulp he gets it his intestines are full but of only one noodle and if you want marinara he says to you, “check moodle”

Bop em, cop em, flock em about, trade them with your friends, and try not to pout, when the big, bad monster hidden under your bed reaches out to you and says, “I want Brian instead”.

my wifey my my wife-u she brings me much joy i say uwu, make kitten face she give me a smile she soft and she strong only half which i am i love her my wifey and she love who i am