HEGEMONOCLE
VOLUME 10 ISSUE 1 @hegemonocle
MARCH 2014
69 SEX
NEW STUDY CONFIRMS THE CONNECTION BETWEEN
SEMEN
OF YOUR NEW FAVORITE
AND A
good complexion
TOM’S AUNT LINDA
MOVES
What a babe
Hint: One of them is missionary!
IMPRESS YOUR LANDLORD
How to lose weight by sitting and wishing P. 12
+ COAT RACK
ORGASMS
it’s tough “Sometimes to be well-hung!
ARE THEY RIGHT FOR YOU?
NEW DIET -
SWALLOWING AIR CONS: HICCUPS?
#BXKDIG **CR-LOT00012A**C-075 HEGEMONOCLE 1600 Grand Ave. St Paul, MN 55105 HOT GUY AT THE LIBRARY Dreamboat Call Me, PLZ (463) 769-8065
”
BIG GUYS IN CHARGE Joe Evers ‘14 & Michelle Einstein ‘14
SEVER ONE OF YOUR LIMBS The average leg weighs 30 pounds!
SYMPHONY DIRECTOR Joey Frankl ‘14
Home Depot Hand Saw, $10 homedepot.com
“My spirit.” “Many deep-seated insecurities.”
MANAGING EDITOR Mackey Borg ‘14 FASHION DIRECTOR Justine Decker ‘14 SCENTS DIRECTOR Henry Fremont ‘15
smell like your sink! DAWN™ presents its newest fragrance, ‘Apple Blossom’
“I love detergent, and I love me. Apple Blossom by
DAWN™ is perfect! I love it so so much.” - Person
22
IMPRESSIONS DIRECTOR Sarah Haight ‘14
FASHION MODELS Liam Downs-Tepper ‘16, Marissa Heim ‘17 ROLE MODELS Sophie Nikitas ‘14, Austin Parsons ‘17
A healthy bone is a heavy bone.
STOP DRINKING WATER
The average person is 60% water by weight.
LOVE YOUR RELATIVES MORE
They care about you, you know.
Distract yourself from cravings Develop a suffocating drug addiction you can’t sustain.
REAL TALK SEXPERT Bailey Polonsky ‘16 DENTAL DAM ENGINEER Anthony Granai ‘16 FACT CHECKERS Spencer Carter ‘16, Emma Soglin ‘16 PSYCHIC Jinath Tasnim ‘16 “My unyielding BEST FRIEND Ryan Edens ‘14 thirst for MY COUSIN Eli Lilleskov ‘17 knowledge.”
“Study abroad.”
REDUCE CALCIUM INTAKE
until you are unable to afford food.
KRENTZ DIRECTOR Tyler Krentz ‘15
Name your dog Weight Let him lose in a dense brush.
BUY EXPENSIVE EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
MOVIE DIRECTOR Lydia Karlson ‘16
TENSE DIRECTOR Tom Wakin ‘16
REAL TALK DIRECTOR Jamie Goodin ‘17 “A strong commitment to multiculturalism.”
THRIVING EDITOR Ross Boehme ‘15
How To Lose Weight FAST...
{
What defines you as a person?
HEGEMONOCLE
{
Hege Question
Fun, Fearless Fitness
IMPRESSIONS LEGAL CORRESPONDENT Libie Motchan ‘14 SOCIAL MEDIA INTERN Megan Schwartz ‘14 COAT RACK Coat Rack ‘10 “STAFF WRITERS” E.J. Schoenborn ‘17, Declan Cummings ‘17, Ellie Fuqua ‘17, Natalie Kronebusch ‘17, Xander Gershberg ‘17 INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS CUBA Phineas Rueckert ’15 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/HEGEMONOCLE @HEGEMONOCLE
THE MODELS PHOTOGRAPHED IN HEGEMONOCLE USED FOR ILLUSTRATIVE PURPOSES ONLY; HEGEMONOCLE DOES NOT SUGGEST THAT THE MODELS ACTUALLY ENGAGE IN THE CONDUCT DISCUSSED IN THE STORIES THEY ILLUSTRATE.
ASSOCIATE FATTY FOODS WITH TRAUMATIC EVENTS
MOVE TO A LIGHTER PLANET
Weight is mass x gravity.
Jupiter is huge, maybe you won’t feel as fat there!
Spaceship $1.7 billion, NASA.gov
No amount of food will ever make Dad come back.
6 WAYS TO TAKE ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOUR
LOVE HANDLES
1. Wear 2 Chainz 2. Jeggings are great at hiding lumpybumps, and they’re comfortable too! 3. Wear a fedora 4. Talk very loudly 5. Fake a twitch 6. Wear a vibrator necklace
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Boy Stuff
Concerned about what’s really going on in your man’s head? Put your worries to rest. The experts here at the Hegemonocle asked Macalester’s male population, “What really gets under your skin?” Here are some choice cuts:
HIS INSECURITIES Cold as Ice
LED A E V E R
!
4 DIY Nails You Can Do at Home by Yourself!
Bucket hats are out, bucket shoes are in! If you see your man in a circular chapeau, kick him to the curb. He should be sporting those pails on his toes not on his dome. Reverse Crop Tops. It’s the summer-time and your beau’s got those beau pecs. You wanna see them, and he wants to show them. Let him flaunt those rippling manmories with a taut tube around those abs.
- Joey F., 21
Bowling For Soup). Last semester when we were doing preliminary voting for bands to play at Springfest, this girl I’m kind of with didn’t even bother to put me and my buds down as a band that she’d be interested in seeing. This hit me pretty hard, cause like, what the fuck does Flocka have that I don’t? Is it the dreads or his close connection with hit artist-felon Gucci Mane? I ended up writing a song about how the whole disaster made me feel like it was that summer back in my home town again, and she doesn’t even get it. Figures.
4
So you’re sitting there with your new boy-toy and you wanna know if he’s fashionable? Well, here are some tips to help you figure out if he’s à la mode.
Feelin’ sentimental? Attach your cat’s fur! It’s chic and thoughtful!
I’m in a three-piece proto-punk band and I like to think “we’re pretty damn good (think an edgier and more emotive
— JOE E., 22
not
Use your nails as a role model display!
Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch last week and the ending really got to me.”
OMG!
hot vs.
Feeling risqué? Go nail-less!
“My girlfriend doesn’t need much to stay warm. It can be -15° before you even take into account those awful arctic winds and she’ll be walking around in a windbreaker like she’s in California or something. It’s disgusting. I can’t stand the idea of looking soft around her so I do my best to impress her by wearing absolutely nothing. The hypothermic misery I feel every time I step outside naked is ruining my life. I’m going to class less and less, I “If there’s one thing I could change forget what my toes feel like, and about my body, it would be to make it’s ruining our sex life. Last week my left earlobe thinner. Sometimes I was hospitalized with frostbite my girlfriend tries to sexily nibble on my thick slab of fat, but I can never and they had to amputate my leg shake the feeling that she’s trying and now she isn’t even attracted to even them out Mike Tyson style. Things were getting hot and heavy to me anymore. I’m pretty sure last night, but the second she went she’s going to leave me for some for the ears I suddenly had to tell her dude capable of having sex in I was no longer in the mood and that I was tearing up because I watched that igloo.” – RYAN B., 22
’s
HEGE
”
Looking to grow your style? Attach sesame seeds!
Sexy Beauty
Earmuffs are now not just for ears. Get him a pair. They’ll get him warm and ready in more than just one spot. Purple Sweater Thursdays.
Nothing can beat a classic purple sweater. If he’s not wearing one, you can do better.
[ ] A toolbelt can be a great accessory. If you see your beloved sporting a belt, some deep pockets, and wrench size 1-⅝”, you know he’s in the know.
What are you hiding under your bangs? 1. God, when you think about it 2. Deep, Deep Grooves 3. More hair 4. Hole to the other side 5. Fetal Twin 6. Spare eyebrows
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Rude & Lude Nude Dudes
Rude & Lude Nude Dudes
man•thro•pol•o•gy yo ur gu ide to the ma le bra in
What Guys Want In Bed
Our survey shows that 69% of men want to know how they’re doing the dirty while they’re gettin’ it. Live tweeting about your muff-stuffing is a perfect way to communicate how he’s making you feel, primarily while pounding the pooper.
A Hegemonocle Survey
(1) Farts
(3) Penis Size
Let’s face it… everyone gets gassy. Sex is an intimate time, and it’s important that you and your partner are completely comfortable with each other. 83% of guys said they feel a strong connection with their partner when she lets one rip mid-smang.
HOW TO TURN
1
Eat Trash.
Environmentalism is a popular cause. The INTO best way to impress the environmentally conscious guy is to We’ve got the tips to land the guy only eat garbage. of your dreams. Garbage is sexy.
YOUR CRUSH
YOUR MAN
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Decode his EMOJIS
(2) Live Tweeting
Many men are insecure about the mass of their manhood. Ladies, USE THAT INSECURITY TO GET BETTER SEX! 77% of the men we surveyed said that when their partner points out their shortcomings, they see it as a challenge and want to perform better.
Make unique
2 animal-based clothes.
Capture commonly found rodents and tie them together. This lovely living garment shows that you have a caring heart and love the natural world.
Pheromones
3 play a key
role in developing attraction.
Sneak into your crush’s house and smear your sweat all over his things.
While you’re
4 in his house, hide in his closet.
This provides a window into his private life. He will really appreciate the effort you made to get to know him.
(5) Silence Never make noise when rocking the headboards. 71% of guys saw it as a turn off and 85% saw it as a distraction. COMPLETE silence and a neutral facial expression is the way to go when the two of you consensually copulate.
9:41 AM
He might be mad at you.
Guys are competitive. When they ask how they did, they want to know the truth. ADVICE: Even if he cock-rocked your world, make sure to shrug and say something along the lines of “Eh, it was ok.” He’ll see it as a challenge and do the nastayy even harder next poontime.
Always stilts.
Stilts make you seem unobtainable.
Jim
Contact
He doesn’t want you to ever look at his grandma the way you did that one time.
He sees something to the left.
(4) Performance Reviews
5 wear
Messages
100%
Wat?
He’s up to no good. He is saying that a mustached man told him never to expose his lips.
6
Eye contact is vital.
The eyes are the window to the soul. Most people make the mistake of blinking and looking away once the conversation is over.
Borrow
7 his mom’s clothes.
Wear them around him. His mom is hot.
Van Gogh
8 had the
right idea when it came to love. Send your crush a severed ear, just like he did!
7
Sexy, Sexy, Sex Sex
Hot New The ‘Flopper’
SEX MOVES
This is the hottest new move for you, right off the still-sticky bedspread. When in missionary position, imagine that you’re a fish flopping around in the bottom of your uncle’s boat that you used to go fishing in when you were little and couldn’t stay back at the cabin and drink yourself into oblivion like mother would. Remember how energetic yet lifeless that oozing, slimy fish was as it blankly stared at you, flapping around by your feet? Yeah do that. It’ll work wonders for you and your partner. Get floppin’!
The ‘Impotence’ The newest sex move these days known as “impotence” has been sweeping the nation’s bedspreads, from your depressed boss’s condo to your drunk cousin’s dorm room. Once your hubby gets you back to his room and things start getting hot and heavy, he loses his erection, gets really embarrassed, and then places the blame either on you or on the two draft beers he had at the bar that probably affected him more strongly than usual (he hadn’t really eaten that much today and was just feeling pretty tired in general and would maybe rather just call it a night if that’s okay). It’s a move for men of all ages, so don’t act like you and your beau can’t try it out! **For some bonus funsies, offer him some of your dad’s Cialis and watch as he wrestles with deciding between his desire to have sex with you and the shame in taking ED pills! Steamy!
efore He Finishes’ B t h ig R g in ry C rt The ‘Sta
8
Ladies, the ‘Start Crying Right Before He Finishes’ is the perfect move to kink up your sexy times. In coitus, when he really starts to pick up in speed, sweat, and heavy breathing just before climax, just start bawling uncontrollably! Your salty sobbing should make him last longer, AND bring the two of you closer emotionally. It’s win-win!
MONOCLE
THE HEGE
GUIDE TO LOVE & LUST
Sexy, Sexy, Sex Sex
Not sure if you’re ready to take the plunge? Is he the one? Or just another fling? Find out with our exclusive Q&A.
in LOVE
in LUST
How do you gaze at each other?
Wide-eyed
Penetrating
What sounds do you make to each other?
Pigeon-like coos
ON FIRE
Animalistic grunts
How’s the sex?
√-
√+
How does your partner smell after pancakes?
Like maple syrup
Like maple syrup
How do your pubes look?
Teddy Roosevelt-ian
What’s your sweatiest region?
7 WAYS TO SET YOUR MAN
Eat a live snake while he watches Find where his first pet is buried and make a set of underwear out of the bones Rapid descent through ionosphere
Elbow and Knee Pits
Child-like
Touch his penis 310 West 106th St., New York, NY, 10025
Perineum
OMG!
What color are your eyes?
Hazel/ Green/ Blue/ Brown
How hard are you biting each other?
Softer each day in the Enough to break the slow monotonous skin...at least! march toward death
Blood Red
Stab someone together Lighter fluid and a torch
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Breakfast BED World News
in
Everyone loves eating breakfast in bed, but what about using your breakfast in the bedroom? Here are some quick, easy tips to introduce the most important meal of the day into your sex life:
Bacon
Put their dick in a waffle iron. It’ll get them hot and very bothered, and the square indents will feel just like a ribbed condom when it’s time to do the do.
Everyone loves bacon. Some people like penises. A smaller amount of people like baconwrapped penises. Maybe you’re one of those people. Give it a whirl.
Short on lube? Egg yolk is made of basically the same stuff so it’s a great substitute when you need help fertilizing your own eggs. Get crackin’!
Sausage For all those times you get tired of your partner’s sausage, there’s always the real thing! Bonus: once you’re finished, you can eat this sausage as a post-coital snack.
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Take a blood test.
Don’t shout your partner’s name. Shout the name of a dead relative, to honor them. Don’t avoid them at brunch the next morning. Go over to their crowded table and ask for feedback. Think of your grandmother’s naked body. The loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex. After he orgasms, pull a pregnancy test from your nightstand and give him a smile. “Fingers crossed!” you say, running off to the bathroom.
Egg Yolk
Pancakes may be the hottest things to hit griddles, but pancake lingerie is the hottest thing to hit girdles! Pancakes make a soft, sexy set of undies you can eat later. For an extra sexy twist, try crepes.
GUIDE TO SEX The Hegemonocle
Ensure that both parties are completely sober.
Waffle Iron
Pancakes
World News
Hashbrowns Potatos and sex go together like wine and sadness; that is, amazingly! Instead of using your regular, old, raw potato during sex, change things up by using some hashbrowns! Your partner will be so surprised!
His Hot Bod: The space inside a man’s nose weighs 2x as much as the space inside his mouth If you were to line up all of the bones in a man’s body, they would stretch from Earth to the
MOON and BACK!
5/7
men hold their heads high, even while burdened with unanswerable questions about the meaning of life
Decoded By Science 0-36
The number of teeth men can have, according to a recent study The amount of carbon in a man’s penis could be used to power 5 PCs for an entire year! The average male’s palms are 3x larger than the average female’s palms. Ooh la la!
83%
of man-taints are found here
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Sexy, Sexy, Sex Sex
Sexy, Sexy, Sex Sex
The Official
Hegemonocle
Kama Sutra
The Jerry Springer
Praying Mantis Style Partner A, with knees bent at 90 degree angle and arms tucked, crouches on top of Partner B. Partner A consumes partner B.
Partner A stands and observes Partner B and Partner C complete intercourse. Partners D, E, and F also watch intercourse, but chant Partner A’s name in unison.
Rube Goldberg Style Partner A starts a toaster containing two Eggo waffles. After ten seconds, the waffles pop from the toaster creating an imbalance on a resting wooden plank. A golf ball rolls down the wooden plank hitting a grounded balloon. The balloon rises and pops when it hits the glass-shard covered ceiling. The balloon pops releasing dust and pollen. Partner B wildly sneezes and, in the process, drops two liters of chum into a proximal fish tank. The chopped fish and blood excites a shark whose thrashing causes a lever in the tank to be pushed. The lever initiates a pendulum with a leather boot at its end. The pendulum swings and the leather boot firmly strikes Partner C in the buttocks. Partner C thrusts once.
The Moodle Partner A lies bends over. Partner B retrieves laptop placing it on Partner A’s back, directly above the lumbar. Using an Internet browser, Partner B proceeds to the web page https://moodle. macalester.edu.
5{{Vibrator}} New Uses for Your
The Mummy Returns Oh, I hate mummies!
12
Partner A lies completely horizontal in a firm bed. Partner B stands at the bed’s side. Partner A slowly sits up bending only at the waste. Brendan Fraser enters the room and shouts, “Oh, I hate mummies!” He then exits the room. Partner B looks into partner A’s eyes and retorts to absent Brendan Fraser, “Well I certainly don’t.” Partner A and B commence intercourse.
1
A dog toy
2
A neck massager—your hubby will love the feeling as that tension melts away
3
A necklace—whoever said statement jewelry is last season is seriously cray!
4
Alarm clock
5
Milk frother
13
Hege Quiz
Spicy, Saucy, Erotic Reads
Me So Horneaux
Are You Good At Picking up Guys?
You make eye contact with a cute stranger at a party. How do you reel him in for conversation? a. Let him know you’ve got sexy intentions by mouthing the names of hot phallic symbols like “banana,” “AK-47,” or “Galilean thermometer.” b. Prove your worth by displaying a unique talent, like fitting your whole fist in your mouth. c. Smile, then look away, then look back. Hold, hold, hold, now look away again. Laugh loudly. Look back, frown, smile, BLINK three times, look away... done.
1
2
“Oh, Giselle,” he sighs, rising (in more than one way) and frolicking to the cassette player. His smooth buttocks gleams in the moonlight as he inserts a 2 Live Crew tape. My girlhood quivers at the first beat. Bonobos are the only other animals that make love-sex face to face. We become those wild pygmy chimps as he climbs atop me, his moist perineum grinding before the big moment. As I fill with his swelling love, he leans his face closer to mine, tonguing my nose delicately. My lips, red and wet, gently take in his eyelashes, and as I tongue them skillfully, he climaxes. His love wail, not unlike that of a constipated wild boar, moves me to my own, a cry with a Cher-like tambor. “Ohhh, Rufus!” I moan, my nostrils twitching wildly in pleasure. Grasping his hair in my fingers, I can’t help but feel this is the best 15 seconds of my life. He rolls off of me and off the bed. Still in the buff, cheeks flushed, he extracts his 2 Live Crew cassingle, picks up his leather pants, and leaves without a word. I am left throbbing, red and wet, nipples pointing toward the North Star. As my hands dive down, dolphin-esque, between my thighs, I am sure of one thing in this crazy world: Swiss prostitutes are much better than their American counterparts. For more of Giselle’s wild adventures, check out the Love in 1,000 Places series by Andromeda Dildo, available in your grocer’s check out aisle.
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3
What is your go-to outfit for picking up guys?
a. The same dress you wear to church every Sunday, just one-fifth the size. b. Something that really accentuates your hardened left Achilles’ tendon. c. One of those skirts you made out of carpet samples.
4
It’s all going well and you want to subtly ask a guy up to your room. How do you seal the deal?
a. You lean in close, but not so close that he sees through your superficiality. Mother would be proud. b. Cough directly into his mouth and say, “Okay, so now you have pneumonia. Honestly herpes isn’t much worse.” c. Touch his shoulder, giggle and seductively pull on an earring, but not so hard that you rip it out like last time. Jesus, the blood.
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MOSTLY A’S: Oh, you’re one of those people. MOSTLY B’S: If you set your mind to it, you can do anything lol. MOSTLY C’S: “A wounded deer leaps the highest.” – Emily Dickinson SOME OF EACH: We have no idea what this means.
What do you text a guy the morning after to get him crawling back for more?
a. “Hey Brian, I had a great time last night” (his name is Ben, hehehe. Bitch.) b. “My pee burns as much as my love for you” c. “I am the goddamn Batman”
Scoring: Literally it’s not that hard. You did not need to turn the magazine over.
T
he Eiffel Tower standing erect outside the hotel window, his lacy panties between my teeth, Rufus licks the sticky sweet soda off my glistening stomach hairs. Lapping Sprite from the pool formed by my appendectomy scar, his tongue circling in a circular motion, my body feels as if it’s rising on clouds of ecstasy.
When talking to a guy, what topics do you bring up to keep him interested? a. Doesn’t matter, you just laugh before, during, and after every time he speaks. b. Not your weird fetish. Unless he’s into tha— no, no one’s into that shit. Well...hmmm. c. To be mysterious, talk only in an obscure language. Nothing you say turns a guy on more than, Fuck you, I’m the batman
What your answers mean:
15
HEGE
BY HEGE
SMELL LIKE YOUR MOM
THE NEW SCENT YOU MUSK HAVE