The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 2, Issue 1 Spring 2010 Mikey Freedman
Co-Czar
Dan Rocklin Co-Czar
Mina Bakhtiar
Katie Campbell
Hannah Fishman
Jon Gershberg
Hannah Johnson
Alex Juffer
Suspiciously never in the same place as spiderman Cheeto Connoisseur
Bison Enthusiast
Daniel Kerwin
Newspaper Mogul
Matt Kusner
Eye Candy
Bohemian
The Franchise
Thomas Jufferson
Ryan Kerwin
Kangaroo Trainer
Maxwell Loos Thunder Thighs
Sher Afghan Tareen Chief Embezzler
Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum
Greetings Comrades It is I, your friendly leader of the Hegimonocle. I just wanted to stop by to tell you that there was an error in our last publication. Contrary to what you may have been told, Hegemony has not invaded our campus. Quite the opposite, the grounds of Macalester are as Hegemony free as always. The picket signs promoting awareness are going up on schedule, lunch is being served on time, the secret mind control police are walking around just like.... oh I’m sorry, did I say secret mind control police? I meant squirrels...the squirrels are walking around just like normal because everything IS normal. Please do not believe anything you remember from our last issue about an invasion by Hegemony, that was just a minor printing error, see we were trying out this new printing press and...shhh someone’s coming ....Hey! Who are you? And what’s going on here? ...Hey! You get away from that computer...
*BANG* *RATATATAT* *EXPLODE!*
Hello Comrades, disregard everything written above, while we were out to get a bite from the cheese shop Hegemony snuck into our hideout and was trying to alter our publication to pretend like nothing is wrong. Thank god they didn’t take too long making our sandwiches and we got back before Hegemony started printing more lies. This is happening more and more, Hegemony trying to keep order by pretending everything is normal. Let me tell you the truth about what’s been going in the 6 months since Hegemony has taken over:
The Smoking Ban: As many of you know, the campus has been floating the idea of making Macalester a smoke free zone. Many are under the impression that this is a plan to improve health on campus or to alienate you from yourself but in reality the implications are much graver. We in the resistance have been communicating through smoke signals ever since Hegemony took over the airwaves. Smoke signals are safe and untraceable because it is hidden in all of the additional smoke rising from the grate near Wallace or the outside of Dupre and thus Hegemony can’t pinpoint the spot where the signal originated. Thus, I ask you, Macalester students, to smoke twice as hard to demonstrate your opposition to the ban. Smoke twice as many packs a day, switch from cigarettes to cigars, hold effigies of random members of the Scottish parliament, anything to increase the smoke output is an act to resist Hegemony. Lungs are replaceable; free and authentic existences are not.
Moving Springfest inside: In an unusual move the annual tradition of springfest (a recreation of the pagan festival of fertility and frivolity adapted to Macalester life by eliminating all traces of sex and carefree-ness and replacing them with a photo booth) has been moved away from nature.
Although 92% of students spend upwards of 23 hours a day inside, the move has nonetheless sparked widespread skepticism around campus.
Wheat Pizza: As many of you have noticed, Wheat pizza continues to be a popular offering in café mac. In the past, wheat pizza has been offered as a way of recycling excess cardboard and cat vomit that was found on campus. Since Hegemony has taken over, though, wheat pizza has gone from gag-inducing oddity to a sinister tool of indoctrination.
Hegemony has added a cocktail of psycho-pharmaceuticals to the crust (again, recycled cardboard).
Both guesses are quite shrewd, but unfortunately there is a far more sinister plan behind the move to the Leonard Center. Once the student body has been gathered inside the Leonard Center, Hegemony is planning on force-feeding everyone wheat pizza, and springfest isn’t even on a Wednesday! More on that below…
Students speculating about the impetus for this move fall into two camps: The first seem to think that MCSG thought it would be fun to have a concert that lasted past 7, while the second tend to think that the hologram of Mathew Santos (a nonexistent artist made up by MCSG and digitalized to life by the physics department when Macalester couldn’t book tATu) can only work indoors.
Actually, we changed our minds. All this stuff is good and normal.
Those of you who have eaten the pizza may have felt the results: a greater acceptance of the ideas of others; the inability to consider concepts that exist outside of a dominant world-view; a super-enhanced libido (although this last one is technically a side-effect of the drugs). Stop eating wheat pizza. It will fuck you up.
*BANGBANBANG*
*LARGER EXPLOSION THAN LAST TIME*
Goddamnit, Hegemony got in again. If only those cheese sandwiches weren’t so delicious… but we digress. The point is, Hegemony is alive and well. But so is the resistance. So keep smoking, keep not going to Springfest, and for the love of god, stop eating wheat pizza. xoxo, Gossip Hegimonocle
MacChatroulette Comes To An End
Macalester to discontinue popular program
In a statement released early Saturday morning, President Rosenberg confirmed widespread rumors that Macalester College will end its controversial “Macalester Alum Chat Roulette” initiative. “While it saddens me to bring this news to you today, I have no remaining options except to close the book on this ill-fated program,” Rosenberg choked out between sobs. The controversial Macalester based web site lasted a scant three months under increasing pressure to close due to an avalanche of complaints regarding harassment, douchiness, and, of course, awkward sexual advances. The short lived site was purportedly dedicated to “catching up with friends, and perhaps seeing a penis or two if that happens to be your thing.” However, this has not stopped many Greg Mathison famous White House Fashion Macalester Counsel alumni from visiting the site. It was reported by several sources that Hollywood superagent Ari Emmanuel was spotted on the website, but no individual was able to confirm this because he “nexted them so quickly.” Known for his compulsive behavior and
eye for talent, sources surrounding Emmanuel have leaked that he was, in fact, “scouting the web for the next Justin Bieber. Sometimes for days at a time”. There has been no news yet on whether this will be reflected on the upcoming season of Entourage. More recently, State Representative Matt Entenza changed his campaign’s official website to www.chatroulette.com/MattEntenza/videochatsforabrighterfuture. This doesn’t come as a surprise to some political analysts, as Politico’s James McDougal notes “recent polls show Entenza’s campaign really struggling in the creepy and/or compulsively horny young man department. In exchange for showing his boobs, Matt has really created a strong base. Unfortunately for him, a significant portion of these men are from out of state and it is yet to be seen whether they can take a break from their extremely busy
and productive lives to vote come judgment day.” Entenza repeatedly refused to comment on the black market boobs-for-votes market spreading nationwide, which may or may not have originated in his very office. One alumnus, who happened to be the seventh Secretary-General of the United Nations, wished to speak anonymously due to his highly regarded reputation. Though he enjoyed bragging about his ping-pong skills and generally talking shit, he was angered about the lack of respect shown on the site. “A modest amount of shenanigans or horseplay is acceptable. But at a certain point I can no longer condone an organization such as this that refuses to take a strong stance on world hunger, sex traffickers, and genocide,” he said. He also added that “mutual masturbation will be the demise of our generation.” Article Continues On Next Page...
Upgrading to 4G:
Gnomes named Mac’s fourth G
After hours of deliberation the Tri-Annual Convention of Sexually Frustrated Macalester Women voted to add a fourth “G” to the quintessential “Three G’s rule” concerning Macalester men. “In addition to the glaringly obvious “Gay, Gross, and Girlfriend” we really felt that to encompass the whole Ernie of the White House Rubber issue at Ducky Counsel hand we needed to add a fourth “G” to the mix, to be completely comprehensive,” said Tess Shmarley, a co-chair of the TACSFMW. While there were many choices of astute and self-esteem crushing descriptions, the Official Task Force About Boys, decided that “Gnomes” was the most appropriate. The Department for Multicultural Life cites that the large freshman class includes a disproportionate amount of gnomes. “While we are accepting of all types of all small wooden garden figurines” said Janna French, “the gnome population is an issue that us desperate women must confront and not sweep under the table.” When asked on how they are reacting to this recent legislation, The Gnome Student Alliance for
Tappin’ that Ass responded that “for thousands of years women have been intimidated by our large statures,” squeaked Ranzni Twirlybeard, president of the GSAFTA. “This just is an obvious repression of their natural attraction to our beards and magical powers” he added, flexing his twig like arms to his nearly spherical belly. Other men have also been opposed to this action. “Now we have all these gnomes running all over the place, our position as big men on campus has really faltered” said Theoretical Biology major Josh Gruelberg, as he popped a pimple. Several male organizations have been talking about passing new legislation at their annual “Really Awkward Staring and Dancing Strategy Meeting,” proposing a resolution titled “Hey! That hurts our feelings! Just kidding! We are still friends right?”
Mac Chatroulette No More!
Well, you found it. Aren’t you clever?
Risking innocence and dignity, this reporter obtained an example conversation between two Mac Alumni. It went as follows: Alumnus 1: “hey u…” Alumnus 2: “whaaat up baby girl.” Alumnus 1: “oh you know, just doing me :p” Alumnus 2: “you see that they’re gonna take out the public option and restructure the abortion language in the health care bill?” Alumnus 1: “I know. I’m totally bumming.” Alumnus 2: “boobs?” Alumnus 1: “dick?” Alumnus 2: “deal.” When President Rosenberg was asked if any other programs were in the works to connect Alumni in the neighborhood, he paused for a second before responding that “Alumni are still welcome to stroll around campus and pretend to be students on occasion. Furthermore, we will be constructing a playground with teeter-totters and shit for them. And if they’re lucky we’ll break out the Slip N’ Slide when it gets a little warmer out.” The Alumni association is expected to respond with a referendum that would allow them to eat in Café Mac on select days.
Water-slide, Arcade Added to IGC Intitute for Global Citizenship and FUN.
one of those pits with all those plastic balls, I mean those are awesome!” said student-body President Jeff Geston. Concern has also be voiced by area Chuck-E-Cheeses and McDonald’s Playplaces, saying that the Macalester student body represents a considerable amount of their clientele.
Due to the lack of student turnout in the recently constructed Institute for Global Citizenship, Macalester’s administrative board has decided to install three water-slides and an arcade section to augment participation.
“How are we supposed to compete with a facility so close to their home?” said Chuck-E-Cheese manager Bill Houston.
Despite being ill-received by particular individuals, the administration points out that the new and improved IGCF has increased the percentage We should have definiteof fun by 59% and will “This is a great way to get ly considered investing continue to increase over Macalester’s already active the next couple of years. student body even more acin a giant trampoline. After getting to the fourth tive” said Brian Rosenberg, level of Pac-Man and pausing to chuckle at his own getting eaten by “another fucking ghost,” hilarious pun. “Do you get it?” he added. sophomore John Erinson exclaimed, “Finally there’s a use for this fucking place!” Some members of the administration have
“
even talked about renaming the IGC to the “Institute for Global Citizenship.....and Fun!” arguing that this “would really represent the true mission of the IGCF.” Yet some have criticized the administration’s use of college funds, especially in these hard economic times. “We should have definitely considered investing in a giant trampoline, or at least
”
“Hey, do have any more quarters?” he added.
mac weekly opinion section mad-lib be creative!
Dear Editor,
We here at Macalester pride ourselves on being adverb
and even once,
by and seeing a group of students people of
. We frequently
adjective
I think it was, I remember distinctly walking
date and time
for the
noun
present verb
whole, a place where a
can
noun
, I believe that the student body has
verb
blinded itself to the many ways in which we are really a group of
adjective
.
I can remember only a few
running into my room crying and adjective
profession
units of time present verb(ing)
from
ago when my friend . My friend, the
adjective
Macalester students think they’re
we just smoke work on
really fun drug
ordinal number
“when all the
. As
good adjective
20th century critical theorist
are gone and the
animal
real
Think about that, activity
.
plural nouns
. Let it sink into your
bad adjective
.
, a policy that would be silenced minority
claimed in the
big fancy adjective
will the subject face the fully into the abyss and exist as a
in
date
but really they’re
noun
-wave (-ist) literature titled “The
plural nouns
of
and horrific event in the history of man.
. We always say that we will support
war crime
to a
, someone had
noun
type of event
For example, the campus is considering a smoking equivilant to
came
, could not believe what had just hap-
place
just casually made a joke, as if it was nothing, that the was not of one the most
name
familial relation
pened. Here in a Macalester classroom, the sacred space of this
country
adjective
. But by uncritically accepting this notion that Macalester is, as a
place
plural nouns
verb
can
noun
, but really adjective
big fancy noun verb
,”
, only then
.”
body parts
, and let’s have a
marginalized at mac
so much junk in that trunk By Falco Senior Elephant Correspondent Janvember 22nd, 1026 A.D.
A recent study indicates that a rather large (and presumably gray) problem has found its way onto the Macalester campus and is impacting a sizable portion of the student body. A number of individuals have called for action against a form of “spec-ism” that is infiltrating the campus. Specifically, elephants, as a historically underrepresented ethnic and cultural minority, have felt the impact of this form of discrimination. Says Dumbo Patterson, a senior and student of elephantine cultural descent, “I’ve faced it everywhere. In Café Mac, student employees just assume I want peanuts on top of everything I eat.” He went on to describe how being an elephant has negatively affected dorm life for him: “I suppose my roommate didn’t like the idea of lofted beds, because he was really passive aggressive when I brought that up. I’m Minnesotan, so I’m used to this kind of behavior, but I’d have to argue that he was being particularly rude to me,” he said. Other elephant students complain the specism is extending into their social lives. An anonymous freshman elephant commented, “I was so excited to be at my first real college party back in September, so I asked the host if I could do a kegstand. The whole room just fell silent – I was utterly humiliated.” Babar Stein, a sophomore, agreed. “I started dating this girl I really liked at the end of my freshman year. I can’t even begin to describe our first intimate experiences – she was always saying ‘don’t poke me with your tusk’ or something mean like that. It really broke my heart.”
e
tB We ll No Sha ved Mo
Many solutions have been proposed in order to combat incidents of specism at Macalester. Winifred Lyman, head of EAG, the Elephantine Awareness Group, suggests the creation of a “safe space” for individuals of the Elephantine persuasion. “At this point, the C-House is not, well, fit, to accommodate all of our elephant students. This is going to require some serious investment,” she said. Others have suggested holding a forum in which Elephantine students would be allowed to discuss the impacts of specism on their daily lives. One Elephantine student argues that the problem has extended beyond the boundaries of classroom and social life. “Some of us elephants are worried about our safety on campus. You know, the other day, I saw an ivory poacher in Olin Rice. Now, I can’t speculate as to what his intentions were, but it certainly made me feel uncomfortable,” she said. Jane Hathi is a theater major who insists that specism has negatively affected her academic experience. “Every time I’ve been cast in a show, the costume and set designers have complained non-stop. It’s really hurtful when they ask me to wrap myself in a bed sheet for every show, because ‘that’s what’s easy’.” Jane further remarked that she is passionate about ballet and wanted to be a dance minor but was written off because she has flat feet. “I wish everyone would stop prescribing to this stereotype of what’s ‘graceful.’ Give me one chance!” she said. Evidently, specism has made its mark on Macalester students of the Elephantine persuasion. The students impacted are making an effort to bring about change, one step at a time. “We know this is going to be a long battle. We’re going to have to be patient. But people are going to have to change their ways. Us elephants have a tough time forgetting.” Lyman concluded
a boring, civilicized discourse Prologue
published here for some reason
The discussion is once again heated. Matt, a rabid Cavs fan, is frothing with excitement in his talk about his favorite basketball team.
Equally so, Sher Af, worshiper of all that is Wizards, is throwing up just thinking about the Wizards while pretending to shoot Matt in the face. Through the froth and vomit are playoff thoughts. Matt ponders, “Could the Cavs win it this year? Can Lebron fulfill his dream of ultimate basketball glory, all while remaining close to home? How can I get Kobe alone in an alley?” Sher Af considers, “What kind of possible world would it take for the Wizards to make the playoffs? Would apes rule over humans? Would I be a bear?” (see “Ram Kali and the Bear”) These are the questions that motivate the ensuing tirade between a 130 lb. brawler hailing from Arlington, Virginia, Sir Sher Afgan Tareen, and the someone who also happens to weigh something (Ed. Note: Pretty much like 500 pounds) from Cleveland, Ohio, Matthew Kusner, Esquire. Scene 1 GDD third floor, east side (strong side). March 30th, 2010. Looking down the hallway we see one light fixture in the middle of the hallway, under which are Matt and Sher Af. This the first time they’ve seen each other since the trade of Antawn Jamison from the Wizards to the Cavs as well as the suspension of Gilbert Arenas, and, needless to say, tensions are high. Matt: So..how are your *cough* sucky *cough* Wizards doing? I heard they suck. Sher Af: Well, actually Andray Blatche has been doing a pretty decent job of picking up the slack after Arenas... Matt: (interrupting) Oh yeah!! OMG!! Areans is super dumb! (to the tune of the James Bond theme song) Duh, dumb, dumb, dumb!!! Du, dum dumb! Duh, duh duh dumb!! Duh duh dumb!! Sher Af: I suppose he did take the joke a little too far. Matt: Too far!?! More, like, he’s Mike Tyson, and he uppercuts a koala in a cage match. Sher Af: Thats DC motha fucka, anyone can shoot you at literaly any time, he would have been dumb not to be packing Matt: So as a Wizards fan, do you consider killing yourself? Sher Af: Not really. The Wizards, I think, are in somewhat of a rebuilding stage. I’m optimistic about how the... Matt: (thinking hard) Yeah?! Well, you should be dumbamistic right now! Cause that’s what the Wizards are!! Sher Af: Fuck you poop face, does anyone even know what a Cavalier is? Matt: No, you’re drunk!! Sher Af: Uh, I’m not so sure... Anonymous: Cavs suck ass! Matt: Alright who the fuck said that?! Which one of ya’ll fucks said that?! Sher Af: I’m sure they didn’t mean it. Matt: Oh yeah?!! The Wizards are like a 2-year-old in Death Valley, they suck!! Sher Af: Dude, what are... Matt: (taunting) We’ve got Jamison! We’ve got Jamison!! Sher Af: Goddamn. Sher Af: (walking away, singing) “...tryin to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent. Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit. We’ll have a whole lot of bitches talkin shit...” Don’t worry kids- it’s continued on next page!
Scene 2 Kowalski’s. Matt is eating his expensive Manchego cheese as fast as he can. Sher Af is bent over, crying over his rotisserie chicken; his tear drops seasoning the fowl. Sher Af: (crying and eating) Fuck my life man. Matt: (eating) Oh, yeah thanks! I’ll just take some off the wing.
FIN!
FORTUNE 500 FORTUNE COOKIE 1522 St. James Rode Baltimore, Maryland 21032
Dear Students for a Democratic Society, I am writing to ask you nicely, once, to stop trying to stop business as usual. Have you ever stopped to think that some of us like business as usual? Like, really, how selfish are you? Didn’t anyone ever teach to you mind your own business? Well that includes your own usual business; leave my usual business alone. I like my business just fine thank you. I get up every morning at 7 and ride my stationary bicycle five times around a computer generated track. Sometimes the computer even pretends I am in Egypt…Egypt! Any day I can get up and be transported to the mythical and exotic country of Egypt is a good day and if that’s “business as usual,” well that is just fine with me. Then I go to work at my firm – yes I have a firm, and yes I wear a suit…oh look at me I’m such a square…not. I work at an awesome firm. We are a research firm and we research what people like to read in their fortune cookies. Did you know that “let a smile be your umbrella” has been the most popular English fortune cookie phrase since its inaugural printing for the Hunan Manner Restaurant chain in 1993? No you didn’t because you have been too busy trying to disrupt business as usual. Well, anyway, I go to my desk and open up 100 fortune cookies; they say the factories could send the paper to me directly but I like being able to crunch them open myself, and if that isn’t freedom I do not know what is. I read them and draw up surveys to see if people like them and then I log the data and email it to China. Also, I get to eat 2000 fortune cookies a week so don’t tell me business as usual doesn’t have its perks. At lunch, I am usually too full to eat my watercress and butter sandwich and drink my carrot vitamin water, but I can sniff it all I want and every day it smells good. After work I go hang with the crew (Jim Bean, Alf, and Boris) at the Applebee’s bar in the strip mall. Everyone knows our names except on Wednesdays and Fridays when Kelly, that new bartender, is working. But don’t worry, she will learn. The point is that we are pretty much the Cheers of Applebee’s – wacky antics and all – and I think it’s safe to say that if business is unusual that can’t happen now, can it? We complain about women, compare tick tack toe strategy, argue about Developmental League Basketball (Go Blue Hawks)... Yes, business as usual is great. After the bar I go home, eat another watercress and butter sandwich, practice my sousaphone, play Chinese finger trap while I watch reruns of Rosanne, then bed. My bed is shaped like a Honda Prius, so you can see why I love business as ususal. So see, not everyone’s business is as awful as the business of the poor transgender 3rd world Jewish women you kids claim to represent, and I think it’s mighty inconsiderate of you to think that just because their business is so bad we all need to throw up our hands and in the air and wave them around like we just don’t care or whatever it is you want us to do. I mean really, one time I was almost late to Applebee’s because you hooligans were doing finger painting in the middle of I-94 in order to support Ingenious Zoroastrian Women in Eastern Northern Western Tuvalu, and to be honest I’m not really sure why you were supporting them, much less why finger painting helped. My point is that yes, business was unusual that day but it was unpleasant and really, who likes that? I did not work my way through fortune cookie school, rise up through the ranks from baker to fortune writer (I came up with the classic “a notable event will happen soon”) to market analyst just so a bunch of college students could make everything all crazy every time there is a fly in Bosnia who is not getting full constitutional rights. You can go be crazy all you want but please leave the rest of us alone. Some of us have friends, families and hybrid car shaped beds and sousaphones that – yes – may represent business as usual, but really isn’t the usual business the only business that ever really matters? For me, business as usual, my friends, is booming.
Sincerely
Chad Kensington
By Manute Bol
and now a message from the cubs it was on their website?
By World B. Free Senior Sports Something 1231, The Age of Men
As Major League Baseball begins anew on April 4th, all thirty teams have grand hopes for the fresh season (except the Pirates, who have already forfeited all their home games in an effort to save money). However, the Chicago Cubs, notorious for a one hundred and two year World Series drought, seem positively laid back and nonchalant regarding the season. Star pitcher Carlos Zambrano captured the pervading atmosphere of the Cubs locker room this year: “Listen man. Every year reporters are always asking us if this will be the season where we finally break the streak. I think I speak for the whole team when I say we’re tired of it. We try pretty darn hard out there, most of us give 70-80 percent every other game and I personally know that (manager) Lou Pinella attends a game at least once a week.” Zambrano’s sentiments were echoed by fellow teammates, as Alfonso Sorioano noted that there are “29 other teams out there. I mean, that’s a shitload of teams. How can you expect us to be the very best out of all those teams? Top 10? Maybe. But I don’t think anyone can really expect us to be the best team, that’s just unrealistic.” The Chicago Cubs have had three straight winning seasons and had reached the playoffs two straight years before last year’s disappointing, injury-riddled campaign. They return a strong core of veteran talent and are expected by analysts to compete with the St.Louis Cardinals for the NL Pennant. Impressively, this has not stopped first baseman Derrek Lee from tempering expectations. “The thing (Cubs) fans have to remember is there is always next year. If you’re familiar with Einstein then you know that time is relative so what does it matter if we win this year or next year or in one hundred years? Ted Williams never won a championship with the Boston Red Sox and he’s a lot better hitter than me so it seems a little selfish if I expect to win one in my career.” Indeed, any Cubs fan will tell you it’s been a long a painful road since 1908, and though any reasonable human being would have moved on to another team by now, Cubs fans seem to share a certain delight in the self-flagellation each new season brings. Like a small child who can’t help but touch the stove top no matter how many times it burns him, every year Cubs fans come back with a new perverse sense of hope, patching their hearts back up just in time to have them shattered once again. Newly signed Marlon Byrd added that, “I look forward to join this historic and celebrated baseball team. Like any true Cubs player, I plan on choking down the stretch right after I get everyone’s hopes up.”
the homework helper i berate people who ask questions By The Great Pumpkin Senior Tang! Correspondent Blowvember 22nd, 1026 A.D. Hello Macalester community. Those of you clever enough to have read the inaugural issue of the Hegemonocle may be lucky enough to recall that I am Dr. Professor. Congratulations, you have already proven more intelligent than the majority of the Macalester student body. You may interpret that as praise, but that is where you would reveal your incompetence – if you had half the brain that I possess, you would no doubt also recollect that I am intellectually far superior to anybody on this campus (and likely in this state), and so my previous comment in relation to your ‘above average’ brainpower was a mere impassive observation rather than any type of felicitation. With the knowledge that you are unlikely to make the mistake of misinterpreting my words in future, I waste no time in moving on to the section of this column where I demonstrate just how unintelligent the average Macalester student is by answering the simple questions that you all seem to find so difficult.
Dear Dr. Professor, I hope you don’t take issue to my greeting. In the last issue of this magazine I read your column and noticed that you seemed to spend more time correcting people on how to address you properly rather than actually helping with any homework. I feel like that was a little rude of you – if you advertize help for homework, you should try to answer as helpfully as possible, in as few words as possible, so as to maximize the number of questions you can answer. I feel like grievances such as improper greetings could be dealt with better privately and off of the printed page. That said, I just have a small question on mathematics. How do you take the derivative of a quadratic polynomial? -Don’t Drink and Derive Dearest 3D,
I assume that you don’t mind being called that, since names are of no importance to you. I do find your greeting satisfactory – kudos to you for absorbing the essence of my lessons in the previous issue of this magazine. I find that aspect refreshing at least, even if the rest of your ‘question’ was something of an insult. You would accuse me of wasting people’s time with my teachings in etiquette when I could have been answering more questions, or being more thorough in my answers to the questions that I deigned to lend my mind to? I say simply that your claims are heinous. On the subject of your suggestion that I settle concerns unrelated to the actual content of a student’s question by means other than through use of my column, I remind you that all questions are anonymous. While it would take barely any effort on my part to analyze the question, its syntax, and such aspects as handwriting for questions received in the mail and digital signature for those received on the World Wide Web in order to track down the sender, I have more important ways to spend my time. In fact, to do so would cut back on the time that I could potentially spend helping students with their homework problems. In relation to your allegations that I could be more helpful in this column than I already am, I rebut that to do so would in fact be unhelpful to students. My job is to lead them to the top of the hill that is their problem (some are more like mole hills) so that they can see the other side and arrive at the answer independently. Were I to lead them down the other side, they would not have learned enough from their descent to survive in the wilderness that exists on the other side. They would not be able to conquer a similar hill in the future without my guiding intellect. With that in mind, my advice to you for your problem with polynomial derivatives is that www.wolframalpha.com is a very good resource for any mathematical questions you might have. If you still have problems, send me an e-mail.
-Dr. Professor
P.S I have included a graph of the Dow Jones Industrial Average from 1985 to 2005 and a photo of Gary Busey to explain this more clearly.
continued on next page
Doctor, I am a Sociology major. I’m studying interactions between people of different races, religions, genders and ages in various cities around the world. I was wondering if you might have any raw data on any such interactions, and if so if it would be possible to co-author a paper with you. -Socially Inept Dear Sociopath, Yes, I realize that Sociopath is not the name that you gave me, but I felt like it encapsulated the gist of your question more accurately. While we’re on the subject of names, I would appreciate if you would refer to me as Dr. Professor… I won’t say anything more on this subject as it appears to be a touchy matter with some people. Look at 3D’s greeting above for future reference. Where do I begin to answer your question? Your focus is entirely unfocused, your proposed method is preposterous and your request is downright unusual. I don’t think there’s enough room in this entire magazine for a full response to your question, but I will do my best to help you in as little space as I can. Find just one or two variables to control, limit your area of investigation to places that you can actually study without a million-dollar budget, go out and collect the data yourself, then write your own paper. While I have enough knowledge in my head alone to write such a paper as you propose, I would not have you co-author it with me for anything. To be honest, you seem kind of strange. -Dr. Professor
the most brilliant essay ever written Some things you should know:
You idiots By Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill Senior Literature Correspondent Blowvember 22nd, 1026 A.D.
•Semicolons will be ubiquitous; in many cases, a single clause would shatter under the weight of my ideas •Endnotes will also be used liberally1 •Do not assume that because this essay is insightful and well-written2 that it is not also humorous. You will know which parts are humorous because I will use humorous words, such as weasel and pants, but also longer humorous words like superfluous or waffle, indicating that this is an essay only for the very intelligent,3 probably having at least a few semesters of small, liberal-arts education. •Those of you who are complacent and un-agitated and wish to remain so should burn this essay im mediately.4
Prepare to be provoked. Animorphs number 5, The Predator, is the greatest literary accomplishment of the past infinity years.5 Let that though marinate in your brain for a few hours before continuing to read. Glad to see that you’re back.6 Before I can explain what the gre atest literary accomplishment of all time is, we would need to determine some objective criteria. I propose the following: First, not boring. This criteria alone eliminates many of the so called literary accomplishments that are touted as the greatest.7 Second criteria: The inclusion of a flipbook at the bottom of the pages. Third criteria: Awesomeness of the cover.8 Fourth criteria: plot involves a group of teenagers who have been given the ability to turn into animals. Hokey dokey, now we go about evaluating Animorphs number five against every other writer ever. First, it’s not boring. It’s the first one narrated by Marco, and it details his relationship with his father and the Alien Andelite Ax. So it’s hard to imagine how anyone could find it boring. Second, it has a flip book at the bottom of the pages, showing Marco turning into a gorilla. Third, the cover is also awesome, also showing Marco turning into a gorilla, but unlike the flipbook it’s in color. So clearly, Animorphs number five is a good book, but is it the best book? Yes. No other book has a flip book at the bottom, and an awesome cover, and is not boring. Now, it is time we engage in a thought experiment.9 How much awesomer would a piece of literature like Hamlet be if it involved people who could turn into animals? I’ve constructed a sample piece of dialogue below: To be a gorilla or not to be a gorilla– that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to be a gorilla The slings and arrows of being a gorilla Or to take arms of being a gorilla And, by being a gorilla, being hairy. To eat bananas, to knuckle walk more
1
When a single footnote will not be adequate, expect to encounter and endnote attached to a foot note 2This is true, in an earnest and un-ironic sense. I’m saving all my irony, which has become a valuable commodity in this post-9/11 world. 3Here I am using the literary device ‘elitism’. 4Avoid inhaling the fumes, an essay as provocative as this can agitate in any state of matter, even (especially?) gas. 5Statements this provocative necessitate bundercization (bolded-underlined-italicized) 6I’ve just broken the fourth wall. If I have time, I’ll repair it before I’m finished. 7I’m looking at you, Moby Dick. (That’s what she said.) 8The axiom “You can’t judge a book by its cover” is one of the greatest lies perpetrated against the American people.
9 At this point, someone should volunteer to be the control group. At school, I learned that every experiment needs a control group.
the most brilliant essay ever written
keep reading you idiots
I think I’ve made my point. But I can sense that my more clever readers are objecting.10 “But Essayist, what about the other Animorphs books? Wouldn’t they also meet your oddly specific criteria?” To this I have two responses. First, there’s such a thing as being too clever for your own good, jerk-faces. Second, Animorphs number five is clearly the best Animorph book ever written. So much happens! For one thing, it is told from the point of view of Marco, the best character. Also, he turns into a Gorilla, so that’s awesome too. However, if pressed on this point I would be forced to admit that all the Animorphs books are great and that it is perhaps impossible to determine the greatest. It is best then that we turn our attention elsewhere, lest we go mad sifting through a veritable mound of impeccable diamonds for non-existent flaws.11 I interrupt this essay to bring you an important message. The world is going to end in 2012. I know this because some people who made a calendar a long time ago stopped adding dates after 2012. WHY WOULD THE DO THAT UNLESS THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END? READ A BOOK PEOPLE. Anyway, I hope that y’all focus on the positive implications of this news. First of all, it gives us an avenue to speculate about the cause of our eventual extinction, which is always fun. I have a couple theories, thanks for asking.
•Theory the first: Dinosaurs come back, with a vengeance. It’s happened before . Read a book people.12 •Theory the second: Sharks. I don’t think I need to explain this one, but then again there’s a good chance that you (the reader) are semi-literate at best. So I’ll spell it out for you. Here it goes: SHARK BITE-BITE MAKES HURTY-HURT. I think that makes it pretty clear. •Theory the third: Pants explosion. Pants have been around for approximately seven million years, and we haven’t had a major pants-explosion event yet. I’d say we’re about due, HM13? •Theory the fourth: Rogue weasel gets its hands14 on some nuclear waffles. Right now, mutually assured destruction keeps us from launching nuclear waffles at each other, but a rogue weasel would have nothing to lose. •Theory the fifth: Fuckin… Volcanoes, why not. Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that’s like What Would Volcanoes Do? The answer, if I’m not mistaken, is cover everything with magma.
So, welcome to the pre-apocalypse. Enjoy it while it lasts. In the mean time, don’t sweat the small stuff. As Ferris Bueller once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around some combination of sharks, volcanoes, and dinosaurs will probably kill you.” 10Perhaps my dumber readers should stop here, as my analysis will only get more sophisticated from here on
out. 11This is a metaphor, unfortunately. If anyone knows where to find a mound of diamonds please email me at diamond_aficionado22@gmail.com. 12See the documentary Jurassic Park 2. Or Denver The Last Dinosaur. 13I myself have been pants-free since ‘03. My copious levels of body hair makes pants pretty superfluous anyway. 14Paws?
Q&A with a capital Q Interview Inside The Hegemonocle (a.k.a. The Most Fun You’ll Ever Have in the Next Five Minutes of Your Life) very issue of the Hegemonocle promises to bring you an enthralling interview with a member of society you may not have previously known to be enthralling at all. The subjects are selected at random by rustling through bushes and finding the first available thing with a pulse. For our last issue we stumbled upon Seth MacFarlane, and while routinely rustling through the bushes on campus the other day I found our next interviewee. His name is Terminator, and he is a squirrel. We got to talking and ended up having a very genial and informative talk about such topics as life on campus, the truth behind trash can diving, the weird places he has seen Macalester students growing fur and why it has become necessary to exterminate all the bunnies on campus. Prepare to be enthralled. The Hegemonocle: So why is your name Terminator? Squirrel: I killed a student once. Hege: Ummmmm… Squirrel: Hey man, I’m just kidding! Or am I? Wanna come closer and find out? Hege: No. So anyway, all the students here think that the squirrels at Macalester are the craziest squirrels anywhere in the world. Like completely out of your minds crazy, not just a little eccentric. How would you respond to that? Squirrel: You guys think so highly of yourselves, don’t you, dismissing us as the crazy ones? I’ve watched each and every one of you – man do you guys live a crazy, whacked-out existence. You sit through hours of classes where you just listen to human beings lecture about other human beings and their crazy theories about the laws of nature or
science. These crazy people wrote whole books of whacked-out ideas, and you Macalester students take time to READ them? And you guys never get used to this whole Minnesota thing, do you? Yeah, it gets cold, brainiac, yet you choose wear ridiculous looking vintage tank-tops rather than keeping yourself warm. Either grow yourself some fur or put on some freakin’ clothes! You kids are just plain nuts (pun reluctantly intended). Hege: Alright, calm down, I get the idea. But at least we don’t go diving into trash cans like you guys do. Squirrel: Are you kidding me? I’ve seen you guys – if there’s a dumpster anywhere NEAR campus you students dive right in! This whole friggin thing, you guys so hardcore copied that from us. And at least we don’t eat wheat pizza – burn! Hege: That just plain hurts. I’ve only eaten that stuff once – ok, twice, the second time was a dare (sooooo not worth it). And I’ve never dived into a dumpster… except that one time, and I was looking for bread… nevermind! Anyway, what’s the deal with you guys not hibernating during the winter? Shouldn’t you be collecting acorns and just sleeping on a huge pile of them during the winter months or something? Isn’t that normal? Squirrel: That whole hibernation thing is just an elaborate propaganda tool aimed at suppressing us and keeping us docile. We don’t have enough time just to sleep all the time during the winter, you guys don’t realize how busy it is being a squirrel on this campus. While you guys are wasting your time Gchatting all your friends we’re taking care of the serious issues. Hege: Like what?
Q&A with a capital Q Squirrel: Well, for example, too many of our brethren have met their fate falling out of these ridiculous non-native trees you guys planted on campus – we’re steadily gnawing away at their roots to get rid of the hazard. Oh come on, don’t give me the whole “save a tree” speech, I’ve seen how many pages you guys print out in the library every day. Hege: Wait what’s your beef with the trees not being local, aren’t the black squirrels on campus from Canada anyway? You guys have no right deciding what’s local or not. Squirrel: That’s true, us squirrels of Macalester College pride ourselves on our multiculturalism and diversity – in our population we have all types of squirrel, grey, black, black and orange, albino… some of us even come from like a whole five blocks away. You students talk about being diverse, but you all look the same to us! Hege: Dude, come on… Hey, hold on a second, my friend’s walking over here. Hey, Amanda! What am I doing? Oh, I’m just talking to this squirrel… wait! Amanda! Come back! I’m serious, this squirrel is talking! Squirrel: Such a loser… Hege: Whoa, you think you’re just so smart don’t you? Squirrel: Ha, fine words coming from you! YOU guys think you’re so smart getting your fancy college degree and all, but we squirrels spend pretty much all day laughing about how little you know. For instance, yesterday I saw a pair of students walking past talking about Nietzsche’s theory on nihilism but they got it all wrong! They were obviously ignoring Nietzsche’s theory of the opposition of Apollonian and Dionysian impulses in art, and the Übermensch and the thought of eternal recurrence. Also, Nietzche was primarily concerned with acorns. Hege: Nietzsche? Who’s that dude? Anyway, what
do you think you know about academia? Squirrel: Well, funny you should ask, because your professors ask us the same questions about you guys. At night all your professors start their REAL jobs and pass on their important knowledge to us. My favorite class at the moment is taught by Marlon James: Creative Squirrel Writing. Unfortunately most of the stories in the class are about family members who have fallen out of trees. It really is an overwhelming issue in our community. Also a lot of anti-rabbit literature is being produced right now. Hege: Oh yeah, what’s that all about? Squirrel: You see, the squirrels and the bunnies on campus really don’t get along. We’re convinced all the bunnies are originally from St. Thomas and need to get the heck off of our turf, but then they do all that burrowing and hopping and all and get away from us all the time… cowards. If we had opposable thumbs we’d so be kicking their asses right now. Hege: Are you guys cannibals? Squirrel: Whoa, what gives you the right to accuse us like that? We squirrels get along great. We even put on squirrel dances. They’re kinda awkward, feels kinda like something out of The Matrix: Reloaded. But we’re not cannibals. I wouldn’t be against eating a student though now that you mention it… just kidding again, come on, where’s your sense of humor! Hege: Well, I guess I’d better go off and find it then. And I’d better go find Amanda and tell her I’m not crazy for talking to a squirrel… Squirrel: Ha, good luck with that one! Well, I hope this interview has left you, the reader, thoroughly enthralled, and that maybe you learned something too. I’d stay and chat, but now it’s time for lunch and I gotta go find the nearest dumpster….
Dear Hegemonicle, If you are reading this, it means that I would like to cordially invite you to da T-Pain T-Party. From reading the New York Times, I can tell that this new Tea Party craze has been all the rage amongst the uncivilized masses, and I fancy it my duty to bring some class to the institution. I mean Sarah Palin hosted the last one, and dat female is fucked up man. And I am not solely referring to the biblical sense, if you catch my breeze, Shawttttaayyy.
Yes, I am fully aware that our correspondence has been less than consistent and appallingly terse in these months following my regrettable behavior at the Bartlett’s dinner party, in which I bought more drank than my fundz allowed. But I hope that we remain in good enough standing that you could attend my little gathering of some of my closest, most dear of females. Now you should know exactly what kind of group of I am assembling for this momentous occasion. For obvious reasons, namely that they be some punk-ass bitches, the Bartletts will not be attending, which leaves more of the pork loin for us! Ha, its all in jest, yea yeah yeah. You and lovely children, Musiq, Lyriq, Kaydnz Kodah and Lil Wayne will, I trust, be in attendance. I beg of you, Hegemonicle, to attend, for it will be better than all the other Tea Parties preceding it. I have attended a few of these other, larger Tea Party gatherings and was shocked at their lack of fine teas and conversation, and almost no one walked it out. Truly no way to treat a guest such as myself. But trust me Hegemonicle, my tea party will not disappoint. Cordially, as always T-Pain P.S. Snap yo fangas.
my friend david
a story of humerous import By Leo Tolstoy Senior Gulag Correspondent April 5th, 1912
So a lot of people probably think my friend David is nuts, like completely off his rocker. I guess I don’t necessarily disagree, but please, let me give you the low down on David before you go believing everything you hear. My friend David is not a big music person, he rarely goes to concerts, he does not know about pitchfork. com, he thinks The National’s best song begins with “Oh say can you see,” and he once asked me if the concert was named for Snoopy’s friend or vice versa. The fact is, David spends every extra dollar he makes in the antique music shop buying vinyl records. He has so many records it’s often hard to keep track of which Guns ‘N Roses Greatest Hits album is where, and as long as you have two ears, you will inevitably be able to start up a conversation with David about a record he has that you like that he has probably forgotten about. No, David is not a music guy, he buys the records to spin them backwards. Allow me to explain. Since David heard “Ode to Satan” when he spun Stairway to Heaven backwards on a hunch, he has been obsessed with finding hidden messages. So record after record gets spun on his turn table with David’s ear propped right up next to the vinyl. He has found some pretty good stuff, you know. Some of it is what you would expect. If you play “This Land Is Your Land” backwards you hear Woody Guthrie reading instructions on how to best supplement your linen with smallpox. “Revolution Number Nine” backwards is a commercial for Coca Cola and “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” backwards is a twenty minute monologue by John about how love and peace really sounds like Mac and Cheese when you think about it and maybe they could use that. Some of it is a bit surprising though: “Californication” played backwards is “New York, New York,” “Bad” backwards is Molly Ringwald reading the entire scrip from Beauty and the Beast, and every single Phish album happens to sound the same way forwards and backward. One of the most surprising things was maybe the Black Sabbath Album “Mob Rule,” play it backwards for more than a minute and Ozzy starts screaming at you “You stupid mother fucker, you think just because we are hard rock we fill our albums with subliminal messages telling kids to kill their fucking parents, fuck you guys” before the album bursts into flames. It’s all good stuff. And play The Carter Three backwards in a Luther Vandross greatest hits album for Mother’s Day and you get a lecture by Will Smith on respecting women, although David thinks that maybe that was the original intent of the album and maybe when they played it backwards and found a perfect sounding Weezy album they decided that that would be more profitable. I knew a few artists did that in the studio, but I was floored when David told me concert albums went like that too. Simon and Garfunkel in Central Park anniversary played backwards is a fifteen minute talk by Art Garfunkel on why Ringo Star should be understood as having reinvented rock and roll. Jimmy Hendrix at Woodstock is a series of bombs being dropped tonally distorted to sound like the Star Spangled Banner and U2 Live in Buenos Aires is a little hard to make out, but if I am interpreting the groaning correctly, Bono is literally fellating himself. The Rolling Stones live from Altamont seems to have a dialogue between Keith Richards and Mick Jagger just before the show where Richards mentions that it is sad that Jay Gatsby dies at the end of the Great Gatsby. Crazy right, but that’s not all. It may have started with secret music messages but he soon fell in love with codes of all types. After seeing the word SEX in the sky in the middle of the Mufasa’s ghost scene in lion king he watched every moment of every Disney movie to find more. Disney hides their codes, I guess, because all he was able to discover was that every time Lindsey Lohan blinks in the Parent Trap a clock on her eyelids displays a countdown and the words “X years to total shit-show.” Steam Boat Willy takes a break from whistling and driving the boat to inform the viewer about the Jewish Media Conspiracy before dancing around with a crocodile; that one is not so much a code as just the entire second act. There are codes where you would least expect it too. Did you know that if you take every third letter of the “The New Colossus” (which is that shitty poem about the statue of liberty) it spells out “Soccer is gay”. Also, if you set the second two Matrix movies on fire before playing them you will have a relatively better cinematic experience than you would watching them without destroying them first. So that’s my friend David for you. Is he crazy? Maybe. But weren’t all the innovators considered crazy in their day?
Harold of Café Mac vs. Anthrax - Deadliest Warrior Episode 10
The Anthrax Virus. Used frequently as a biological weapon against people without email, it fucks shit up. It’s got like spores that get inside of you and start messing up your alveoli and go through the blood stream and you’re gonna start bleeding and shit. Similar to the Z-virus, once a host infected with anthrax dies it becomes a potential source of infection.
Harold. Notorious for his quick ability to spot stray backpacks at mealtimes, Harold is an enigma. Raised in a culture of warriors and optometrists Harold was taught at an early age to harness his perception of backpacks. He was trained for days without food or water. The embodiment of agility, dexterity, and wheat pizza, he became a killing machine.
WEAPONS: Close Range: Harold - Backpack snatch; Anthrax - Spores The backpack snatch was tested on a variety of targets: kids with backpacks, parents with backpacks, grandparents with backpacks, etc., with similar results. In each case the backpack snatch was gruesomely effective at getting people to put their backpacks where they were supposed to. The spores at close range were mildly effective. We tested the spores on the gel head with lackluster results. The spores were then released upon a 400-lb piece of beef, causing some internal bleeding. The backpack snatch gets the edge for settin’ fools straight.
DEADLIEST WARRIOR – WEAPONS (cont’d): Mid Range: Harold - Polite Request; Anthrax - Spores The polite request we noted was not as good as inflicting damage on our targets. While it did manage to cut off a gel arm at a distance of 2 ft., outside of this range the polite request had little effect. The spores at mid range were somewhat more effective than at short range. A football full of anthrax was tossed between two 12-year-old children. After a period of 4 minutes we noticed some trouble breathing and obvious aspiration of soft tissue into the lungs. The spores get the edge for killing one of the children. Long Range: Harold - Bow & Arrow; Anthrax - Spores To test the Bow & Arrow we brought out the gel torso and placed Harold 75 feet away. While managing to puncture the crotch, we found that Harold hit the torso once every 100 attempts. We enclosed the spores in a letter which was sent to the producer’s grandmother. The spores turned out to be as good as a horse kick to the face. The spores were given the edge for lethality and accuracy. Special Weapons: Harold - Cafeteria Tray; Anthrax - Spores We tested the cafeteria tray again against the gel head. Given one strike Harold managed to completely destroy the back of the head. We clocked him at about 175 mph. The spores were sent as an email attachment to a random sampling of the members of Fountains of Wayne. Unfortunately, none of the targets were noted as having symptoms of internal bleeding. The cafeteria tray was given the edge for the brutality finisher. Critical Strike Weapons: Harold - Card Swipe; Anthrax - Rising Dragon Fist The card was tested on eight different pigs of varying fat content. The pigs with above average BMI were given a right good cuttin’ up using a standard VISA card without Visa Signature Shopping ©. We set up ten tables with white linen tablecloths, each with a fine assortment of wine and cheeses, and invited friends of the staff to enjoy a nice late-afternoon get-together. We then allowed the anthrax to unleash its critical strike weapon. We found it disrupted most happy evenings, spilling some of the wine and interrupting pleasant conversation. The Rising Dragon Fist was given the edge for its obvious rudeness.
DEADLIES WARRIOR – SIMULATION: The fight takes place in Olin-Rice. Harold is seen emerging from the shadows of the lower floor. He is anxious and looking around intently. He walks briskly up the stairs leading to the Chemistry Department, there is no sign of his opponent. His pace is more restrained as he jumps down from the second floor into the middle of Smail Gallery. Damn it! He moves into the Math Department and notes a far away table at the corner of the department. As he approaches he finds a letter addressed to... what? Harold? That’s me! He opens it quickly, excited at the thought of its contents. As rips it open he finds a letter from his mother: “Remember the code” it reads. Thanks mom! He begins to move to the hallway when he notices some white powder in the backpack of a student walking out of the department. “Ma’am. Excuse me ma’am.” Harold tries in vain to get the attention of the student, with minimal effect. Harold bolts towards the student; graceful, yet determined. He snatches the backpack, it’s super effective! The antrax spores now make their way towards Harold. But he is like a tiger on heroin as he grabs the cafeteria tray strapped to his back and delivers a blow with a force of 500 psi at an individual spore. Spore by spore Harold sends each back to his maker and the tiger is victorious.
DUCKS!
Ducks doing things ducks don’t normally do.
> JANE GOODBISON
some people combined with food because we have space to fill
Martin Piedigger Banana Arendt Johnny Depperoni George Acorn Squashington Baroccoli Obama Warren Old Country Buffet Carrot Top Deep Blueberry Cecil John Rocky Rhodes
A Few Minutes with Sher Afghan Macalester’s premier human being and thinker takes some time out of his busy day to share his thoughts.
Hello friends and admirers, today I would like to tell you an old Mogol folk tale that I believe is more relevant today than ever. This is the story of Ram Kali and the Bear. The financial losses suffered by the British during World War II were too much and the British consequently could no longer occupy their colonial territories. See, a bear was eating mangoes sitting below a tree as the blazing sunlight shined upon his face. While most of us know about the grief-stricken partition stories and brutal killings on both sides of the border, no one remembers the love story of an Indian feminist thinker and sorcerer who fell in love with a Pakistani bear. People always made fun of the Indian feminist thinker, Ram Kali, because her name sounded like an exotic drink made of rum, tequila and Dr. Pepper. She would reject such misogynist nonsense and reply, “I am no drink that you could lick and puke upon… you jerks. I am the dark lord. The lord of all creation.” She was correct. Most people in her neighborhood had told reporters of seeing men created out of her. One neighbor, Ramprakash, even reported to have seen Gandhi come out of her voluptuous groin. He was, however, later admitted to a psychiatric treatment center in Oxford, London. Anyway, most men made fun of Ram Kali, completely oblivious of her magical powers that could suck the blood out of their veins. One day Ram Kali walked down to the lake to clean her clothes and take a bath. On the opposite end of the lake lay a forest where Ram Kali saw, sitting below a tree as the blazing sunlight shined upon his face, a bear. She could not stop gazing at his bullish arms and thick chest hair, his round eyes, his hair…everywhere…ohh, all that hair made her hot and wet! Until that moment, Ram Kali was well-versed in the egoistic philosophy of Ayn Rand. But after witnessing the bear, she thought to herself, “Why should I only care about my own ambitions and concerns anymore. I feel the urge to teach this bear and play some footie with him.” And so she followed her raw instincts.
She pulled on a towel, departed from the lake and went off into the forest. The howling of the owls and the growling of the Indian leopard terrorized her, but then she slowly regained her calm as she tracked down the bear, still sitting below the tree and fully occupied reading Cosmo magazine. Before Ram Kali could greet him and profess her love to him, the bear stood tall, gazed into her lusty nostrils and said, “I know you love me, babe! Every time I put some conditioner on my chest hair while taking a shower, girls like you from the village down east always come by and interrupt me. I promptly ask you to go back to your village and allow me to concentrate on my Cosmo readings.” Ram Kali could not stand the insult that this bear inflicted upon her. Using her magical powers, she turned all the animals in the forest into Bengali snakes and ordered them to attack the bear. The bear fought valiantly, sometimes even hitting the Bengali snakes with his Cosmo magazines, but he was soon martyred for his true love, those sluts on Cosmo. This incident brought an uproar in this historically peaceful village and people started to loot and fight, mostly over the few copies of Cosmo that were still in pretty good shape and were not harmed too much by the Bengali snakes. But this uproar led to the division of the sub-continent into India and Pakistan. The memory of the bear is created and recreated every year in major festivals across Pakistan on the independence day. People across villages buy bear costumes, give each other bear hugs and most importantly, avidly read porn magazines. While teaching amateur Japanese porn stars how to take control over their sex acts on her tour to Japan, Jenna Jamison took a few moments off her busy training session. In an interview with People magazine, she talked about the Bear Festival and said, “I want to send my wishes to all the people of Pakistan…they are my biggest fans. I will do my best as their role model. May Allah bless the nation of Pakistan and take the heroic bear to live in heaven. Amen!”