Hege: Vol. 7 Issue 2

Volume 7 Issue 2

The Hegemonocle Springfest Performer Announced: Jackie Chan Ice Rink Committee Discovers Ice is Free

Student Considers Taking Life Skills Class Pass/Fail Racist Janitors Vows to Re-Separate Mixed Recycling Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine

Fall 2012

The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 7, Issue 2 Fall 2012 Jonathan Gershberg Rinse

Alex Juffer Lather

Justine Decker

Joseph Evers

Mina Bahktiar

Sarah Haight

Henry Fremont

Jinath Tasnim

Sanjay

Minataur

Booty Bumper

Biz Dalke

Limp Bizkit

Lydia Karlson

Fresh Prince Dance Move Aficionado

Sarah Knispel

Mouse Masseuse

Liam Downs - Tepper

Weekend Dad

Tyler Krentz

Derp Masterflex

Fabiola Guttierez Booty-ierez

Vanessa Barerra

She is always on the masthead

Coat Rack

Token Black Kid

Racist

Salmon

Professional Pizza Puncher

Hannah Tsuchiya Goochiya

Ross Boehme

The White Jake Waxman

Jake Waxman

Also the White Jake Waxman

Andrew Shirley Hates Midgets

Phineas Rueckert Fabio Look-a-like

Hannah Fishman

MVP (Most Valuable Primate)

Tom Watkins “Tom”

Table of Contents page 1 Pictures of bloody machetes, to set the mood page 7 Heads up! Pug parade coming your way! page 9 Coffee stain you’re about to make. page 10 All the good jokes of the Mock Weekly compiled into one page for your convenience. page 15 Quick review new things Jesus hates, for our evangelical readers. page 18 Statistically speaking, probably a dick joke page 69 Foldedcenter (still hilarious) page ∞ Nut-Krakken Opener Assembly Instructions page 52 & ¾ OPA! GUNGAN STYLE! page 2012 Ways to skin a cat

Hegemons on Hegebatical

Smackey Borg Froey Jankl Libido Motchan Patrick Le pepepieu-Shands Michalbert Einstein

&Hannah Fishman

Letter from the editors.

Some of you were probably sitting on your toilet last week looking around for some toilet paper. As you gently wiped your hemorrhoidal tuchus, you probably thought, “wait, this isn’t toilet paper, this is the Mac Weekly,” before shrugging and continuing with the wipe.

For those of you who decided to read the poor imitation of toilet paper (kinda scratchy, amirite?) you might have noticed an advertisement calling for submissions to their annual pathetic attempt to be intentionally funny named the Mock Weekly.

Instead of relying solely on poor copy-editing and cheesy headline-puns for humor, on December 12th, members of the Mac Weekly will attempt to write “jokes”. Until now we have humored these garbled attempts at hilarity the same way one humors their little cousin’s shitty macaroni-art magneted to the refrigerator. But since the self-described “editors” of the Mock Weekly have invited upon themselves the wrath by publishing this we will happily oblige.

Here we offer our own version of the advertisement. Suck it bitches.

fall.2012

Library Printer Names Argued to be Too Sexist

volume7.issue2 - Clarence Thomas

“Ben, Jerry, Bob... Give me a bucket I need to go vom.” Sally Norman ‘14, recently started a petition to change the names of the library printers we all have come to know and love. “So what… these three MEN printers give us what we need to study and pass our classes? MEN have control over our future!? This is ridiculous I’m getting angry just talking about it.”

The names ‘Ben’ and ‘Jerry’ may have been a play off the popular ice cream, Ben and Jerry’s, but Norman claims this nomenclature is no fun and games. “They are intentionally poking fun at us ladies by targeting the stereotype that girls have had a good cry into the cookie dough tub while watching Mean Girls bloopers.

But, that isn’t me. That isn’t anybody. They aren’t “getting” anybody. They don’t “get” me. They just don’t.”

Norman has been spotted squatting on the various printers as protest shouting things like “I WILL NOT MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE PRINTER!!!” The protests halted as she recovered from butt paper cuts.

President Rosenberg has agreed that a printer name change may be beneficial to the Macalester community. He has issued a survey to determine which of the names should be saved. Due to strong dedications to specific printers, different teams have arisen with strong arguments for each printer.

Bob Jerry ‘15 claims, “I literally LOL every time I print. Unless my printing goes to ‘Ben.’ Then I’m just silent.” Due to obvious reasons, Bob Jerry, new leader of ‘We hate Ben,’ has personally started a campaign to change the ‘Ben’ computer; his team only has three members due to its negativity and bias.

Derek Washington ‘13, leader of ‘Team Jerry’ reminisced to me about the time ‘Jerry’ printed his paper duplex without him selecting so. “It was like he knew I wanted to save the environment, and I just forgot. He’s a life saver.”

Many feel that ‘Bob’ may already feel ostracized because of the previous mentioned Ben and Jerry’s reference; forcing him to change his name is just another blow he simply doesn’t deserve. A group of freshman has started a “SAVE BOB” campaign that attempts to make word play off of “boob” and uses old Breast Cancer awareness swag. Needless to say, Bob lost the race.

Results from the survey are seen below. A surprising amount of students expressed hatred for the spear header of the protest and another large amount brought up that ‘Jerry’ could be a female name. Despite these minor setbacks, the renaming was set forth!

A new name for the Bob (RIP) printer is in the works, with the top contender being: ‘Bobra’ (Respect is still paid to Bob AND you can practice your New York accent version of Barbara as you wait!!!)

After this giant success what is Norman’s next big move?

“Olin Rice. I mean that’s just fucking racist. Not all Asians are good at math.”

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Guy who “Let the Dogs Out” finally apprehended

-Chad Kroeger

After a search effort and investigation of 12 years by the BBI (Bahamanian Bureau of Investigation) the man who “let the dogs out” was finally found and arrested.

The dog incident, known throughout Bahamania as Dog Day Afternoon occurred on July 12, 1998 when 14 dogs were let loose, striking fear into the hearts of Bahamanians/ cats everywhere, and resulting in the loss of over 2 metric buttloads of Jerk Chicken.

While authorities refused to release the identity of the suspect most believe it was recording artist Shaggy.

Shaggy is a known dog sympathizer and frequent Caribbean visitor but has dismissed dog letting out related allegations in the past, saying only “It Wasn’t Me.”

The arrested suspect, a member of the Macarenian chapter of CETD (Caribbeans for the Ethical Treatment of Dogs) offered few words of apology as he was arrested. He only howled, “I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF NOT FOR THOSE DAMN BAHA MEN!!!!!!!!!

CURSE YOUR CATCHY HOOKS AND TIGHT STEEL DRUMMING!!!!!!!”

The Baha Men at their inauguration

The Baha men, who now rule the cat loving island nation of Bahamania as an oligarchy, were three of Bahatland Yard’s finest detectives who released their hit song “Who let the Dogs Out?” to raise awareness about the tragedy and bring national attention to the incident. The beloved group, who split their time between politics and serving as the Caribbean’s chief crime fighters, can rest a little easier, knowing that the “sick fuck” who totally broke the mellow of a great party is behind bars.

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Shocking Discovery Beneath Macalester Windmill [Ace Ventura]

The Macalester College community is in disarray this week, as rumors have surfaced that the Macalester windmill,

previously a beacon of sustainability and environmental awareness, is generated by two young Sri Lankan children who live in a bunker directly under the neighboring prairie. It is unclear at the time how long they have been living down there.

“Yes, they take four hour shifts by walking in circles, dragging a lever behind them that causes the windmill to slowly

rotate, simulating the effects of wind,” an anonymous source confirmed. “They have bunk beds down there and a 2002 version of the game “Scene It?” but no means to watch the accompanying DVD.”

The children must all dress up as bison and graze on the prairie flowers during the appropriate months to impress

prospective freshman with the historical accuracy of Macalester’s models, before scampering off to attend classes that PFs are sitting in on to suggest that Macalester is a diverse and tolerating campus.

“They are the only thing keeping Macalester from a complete and utter breakdown,” admitted Brian Rosenberg an

anonymous source. “Without their commitment to hide in the library printers and manually retype every copy the students request, we’d be in big trouble.”

Previously, the children had a series of jobs too demeaning for anyone else, including sending out each daily piper

individually to every students email addresses and giving Harold weekly sponge baths. One of their most important jobs was to work in the scoreboard during basketball games, changing the numbers when the team scored. This was also referred to as their “break time.”

Things went south, however, when St. Thomas brought their own scoreboard children, from Bangladesh, to work

their side of the scoreboard. There has been a well known rivalry between the Macalester and St. Thomas scoreboard children, and witnesses have seen the St. Thomas children riding past Macalester children on their trikes yelling, “faggot!” before peeling away.

The children, who subsist off of leftover chocolate fro-yo, de-

clined to comment for the article, worried that if they spoke about their conditions, they would be forced to return to their old living conditions, in Dupre singles.

Pubudi was extra sad he couldnt see how well he REALLY knew Pheobe, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Monica and Joey.

fall.2012

Holy Ghost Feels Left Out at Heaven’s Annual “Father-Son Softball Game”

volume7.issue2

Heavenly sources confirm that this year, like every year, The Holy Ghost will sit on the bleachers alone and mope at the Annual Father-Son Softball Game. “Every year that asshole, St. Peter says ‘c’mon its gonna be fun!” commented the Sacred Spirit. Other players became concerned after they saw the Holy Spirit throwing a ball up in the air by himself next to the field, muttering repeatedly “I am so glad to have a catch with you Dad!” Lucifer, who also had to sit out the game because his son Rush Limbaugh has yet to ascend to his Hellish throne, said that he almost considered consoling the Holy Ghost. “Man you almost feel bad for the guy. I mean, I still cry at the end of Field of Dreams. Who doesn’t? But we can’t even stick him in left field, that’s how bad he is.”At press time, the supreme and omnipotent God thought quietly to himself how much longer it would be until Jesus found out he was adopted.

Creepy Van With a “Free Critical Theory” Sign Attempts to Lure Macalester Students

The Macalester student body has been gripped with fear after receiving an email from Terry Gorman this morning reporting that a suspicious dilapidated white Volkswagen bus has been seen driving up and down Macalester Street attempting to lure students with a sign that says “Free Critical Theory.” [see photo]

“Don’t be tempted by the opportunity to analyze social and and political phenomena from a political perspective, do not approach the van” Gorman’s email reads, “Just run away and scream NO! I DON’T WANNA! STRANGER DANGER!” While many members of the senior class have already taken this approach to critical theory in general, Gorman urges that the every member of the Macalester make sure to stay safe. Erica Salvadora ‘15 reported approaching the van for a good discussion of Foucalt’s theory of biopower when she was confronted by a disheveled middleaged man in a trucker cap. “He said that he had a copy in Pierre Bourdieu’s ‘An Outline of a Theory of Practice’ in the back of his van, but it smelled like turkey jerky so I ran away”.

At press time, the entire MCS department faculty and staff had been reported missing.

HAPPY FUN TIME JOKES FOR YOUR LAUGHS

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Dupre to Install Fire Alarm System

by Smokey the Bear

After a series of fire alarms emptied the floors of Doty/Turck this Fall, Dupre has decided to install a fire alarm system. Dupre Residence Hall, which is already hurricane, tornado, bullet, and vomit proofed, has never had a fire alarm system in its 250+ years on Macalester’s campus.

According to Dupre RHD, Jim Nasium, the installation of a fire alarm system in Dupre was just never high up on the college’s agenda. “You know, Dupre is a state-of-the-art college dormitory, okay. Mhmm. And with such responsible residents, we just don’t see a fire occurring in this locality, okay,” he said, with intermittent head nods and an all-knowing facial expression.

Although the lack of a fire alarm system in a dormitory that houses more than 500 students is quite obviously a federal offense, school officials claimed that the construction of the $26,000,000 Leonard Center was a more critical step towards promoting fire safety at Mac.

“What’s most important,” said President Brian Rosenberg, “is that students can be in good enough physical condition to outrun a fire. Also, there is a pool there...if you make it that far while on fire.”

“Life in Dupre really is about survival of the fittest. If you can outrun a fire, you can live and thrive in Dupre,” admitted freshman John Schlitt, before tipping over a vending machine, grabbing 3 bags of Doritos, and sprinting away.

While most students have embraced this announcement, others are less than pleased with the decision.

“I liked Dupre the way it was,” said first year student, Jae Kwon. “And now that I can’t hotbox my room, where am I supposed to go? The Link? The Financial Aid Office? Jim Hoppe’s car?”

In order to pay for the new alarm system, Macalester is to implement its new Run Away campaign. This campaign aims to raise $30 over the next three years. It still remains to be seen how long construction will take.

The Great Dupre Fire (Circa 2004)

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Shaving Heges

[Peter North]

This December, the Hegemonocle interviewed students across campus with a probing, intimate, and deeply thought-provoking question: “To trim thy heges or not to trim thy heges?” Here are a few of the responses that moved us the most: “Sometimes I shave one of my legs so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a woman.”

—Hairy Potter ’13 “It’s winter! No one will get (too much of ) a sight of these voluptuous calves [slaps calves in demonstration] anyway!”

—Simone Jones ’15 “My wife loves the extra layer of fur I sport every winter. She says it’s sexy, but really I just do it to keep me insulated during these chilly nights.”

— Benjamin Foxtrot ‘16 “I was experiencing an existential crisis my whole life—until I came to Macalester and discovered the FUCKING SQUIRRELS. My life’s goal now is to emulate the squirrel in every way: squitter and squirrel like them, chipper and chapper like them, nibble nipples like them, howl and holla like them—what was the question again? Oh yeah, heges! Yeah, well obviously squirrels don’t shave, nitwit.” —Crazy Sam ’79 “In solidarity wit my main homie Obama winnin’ the election again, I got my pubes trimmed into the shape of his face. Real talk.”

—Dillon Strauss ’14

“Hedges? Hmm, well none of my housemates have brought it up yet, but I guess I should take the initiative and start trimming them.

Do any of y’all know where I can buy some industrial strength pliers?” —Millis Worcester ’13 “I know you all are a bunch of nice kids, so I feel comfortable admitting this to you. You see this luscious hair of mine? It’s actually not real. I shave some, uh, more discreet areas every winter to create a more realistic-appearing wig.”

—Jim Hoppe “Sometimes I only shave one leg, so that when I go to bed I feel like I’m sleeping next to a man.”—Destiny Hope Smilus ’16

The Hegemonocle would like to earnestly thank these brave souls from the bottoms of our heartiest hearts for sharing their deepest, darkest hege-shaving stories with us. Thank you. You all have touched us profoundly and we hope we have adequately given your testimonies due justice.

fall.2012

Ice Fishing Coming to a TV near YOU!

volume7.issue2

Heads up sports fans, because there’s a new collection of athletes making “top 10” plays on your flat screens: the wild and wet world of professional ice fishers! Yes indeed, following ESPN’s purchase of BET, everyone knew they were looking for a program to maintain the largely upper-to-middle-class male teen demographic who are the only thing keeping BET afloat these days. It comes as no surprise, then, that ice fishing is finally getting the exposure it has long deserved.

The first episode, which premieres Monday at 7am, will follow Minnesotan ice fisher enthusiast Ron “Large Bobbers Small Rod” Liverstine as he hits the ice at 5 am to “get a break on the day.” The audience will be on the edge of their seats as each plot point twists and turns. Will Ron spill his coffee thermos all over his pants again and say, “Well fackin’ hell” over and over again as he desperately searches for a towel? Will Ron be able to drill through the ice with his trusty pick ax and pizza slicer combination? Will Ron get a huge hit on his line only to reel up a musket used in a murder during the 1850s?

The director of this series, Annette Liverstine, gave us a behind the scenes description of what it was like to film this show. “Well, we got up at 4 am in the god damn morning when it was still below zero, strapped on eight pairs of long underwear, and set out on the day. Then we’d stand in the cold, as the wind whipped across the barren lake, slashing into our faces, as these guys dug a small hole in the ice for up to an hour. We all brought buckets to sit on because we were told chairs were for “pussies” and then every time we’d ask one of these guys a question they’d be like ‘oh, sure them,’ or ‘yep, that’s Jerry for ya,’ or ‘got yaself in a pickle there, didnya?’”

More season one highlights are rumored to include: Steve “only owns own pair of jeans” Mitchell catching the first fish of the year only to throw it back when he deems in not big enough, Larry “loves his wife, three kids, and God, but not in that order” Potatosmith getting the whole cast and crew to engage in a prayer circle around the fishing hole before 5 am, and Jim “doesn’t have a nickname so we all make fun of him for being a dumb-dumb and not have a nickname” Iceman attempting to fish just by sticking his arm down the icy, slushy hole and grabbing around for any dead fish floating near the surface.

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Colorado’s Economy Gets High As Fuck

by James Blunt

That Rocky Mountain High just can’t get any higher than in beautiful Colorado. Just coming off the swing of the election, Colorado has already tripled its population, private sector and economic growth. For no apparent reason, Colorado has received an influx of businesses and people moving to the state. It seems that there’s a fast food place on every block and cigarettes must have become more popular as the number of cigarette stores have at least quadrupled. Weed whackers are being bought much more and round up is being used to curb the massive weed problem.

The number of people looking to learn has also increased. Botany classes at the local universities seen a sharp rise in students, with teachers commenting on how “dedicated they were to their growing, and “if they let me just get a peek at what they’re growing, I’ll surely give them an ‘A’.” It warms this reporters heart to see people so in love with what they do. And the local music sence has exploded, though in rather specific genres, with reggae bands present in every local bar and schmucks with harmonicas coming out of the woodworks left and right.

Leading Economist Fredrick Flint Stone has given his thoughts on the subject. “uh well I have to say that the uh, proper reasons is uh, Colorado just gives people that feeling you know, we’re a growing people, reaching upward,who are smoking the rest of the states.” He commented, finishing what appeared to be a hand rolled cigarette. “Compared to the rest of the states we’re level 10, and we don’t mind crashing all day Saturday on the couch and playing some guitar hero ” Snoop Lion has bought a ski chateau in Colorado, in unrelated news.

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

MCSG Rollover Funds to be Re-Allocated to More Noble Cause - Kid Rock

In recent weeks, Macalester students have expressed their concern about using MCSG’s rollover funds to create an ice rink on Shaw Field, citing obvious mental and physical health risks, environmental concerns, and the fact that some people in the world have little access to water and SHOULD WE REALLY BE WASTING IT SO THRIFTLESSLY ON OUR LAST-DITCH EFFORT TO TURN MACALESTER INTO A WINTER WONDERLAND?!

On Tuesday, a referendum was called to re-inspect the use of MCSG funds. Just four hours after coming to terms with the fact that the creation of an ice rink on Shaw Field was a financially and morally unconscionable idea, MCSG has voted to use the Student Activities Fee rollover funds to create a monster truck course in the same location. Construction will begin promptly after Springfest, as the field will already be reduced to a vacuous hellhole of mud, bandanas, and crushed Keystone Light cans.

“For years we’ve been looking for a way to appeal to students from the deep south,” said MCSG president Kony Annan. “A monster truck course seemed to be just what the doctor ordered.”

At each race, 12 monster trucks driven by randomly selected Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies majors will make 15 laps around Shaw Field. The winner will receive a certificate that recognizes excellence in the Art of Skillfully and Quickly Maneuvering a Large and Unwieldy Piece of Metal With Flames and Skulls Painted Crudely on Every Possible Non-Muddy Surface, as well as a keg and a bottle of Powerade.

Despite widespread student agreement on the obvious benefits of this construction, several students have expressed their discontent in Mac Weekly Op-Eds. “I feel like we could probably use our money more wisely,” said freshman Ron Paul Stiltskin. “I mean look at the Humanities building. I literally have never seen an uglier building since five minutes ago when I was leaving Dupre. Maybe we could, you know, use that money to give Humanities a new paint job or something.”

In an angry response op-ed, senior Juniper Laketree, noted that, “The monster trucks could be used to bulldoze Humanities, (but not Dupre because it is too tall and there is no ramp in front of Kagin from which the trucks could leap 15 feet into the air to launch an aerial attack on the well-guarded building).”

School administrators and former stay at home dad Terry Gorman OK’d the proposed monster truck course on the grounds that Gorman could use a monster truck to patrol the campus instead of “those stupid fucking motorized carts that can’t even efficiently carry a measly pile of brushwood from the Leonard Center to GDD. Or a passed out freshman, for that matter!”

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Chingy set to release long-awaited comeback album Spring 2013

by Long Johnson

Sources report that Chingy, the mastermind behind hit single ‘Right Thurr’ from 2003, will be releasing a brand new studio album this coming spring. The album is focused mainly around why Chingy fell off the rap game and stopped making #1 hits. According to sources close to Chingy and unknown to the general public until now, around 2005 when the sales from Right Thurr were starting to drop off, Chingy relapsed into an ass addiction. He just could not quit that ass. As suggested by the album’s title, “Ass Soon Ass Possible”, Chingy’s easy access to ass made him quite susceptible to such an addiction. The album primarily concerns overcoming this addiction in order to release the album itself. We at the Hegemonocle were able to get an early listen on the rap kingpin’s upcoming tape.

The first track off Ass Soon Ass Possible, ‘All About Dat Ass’, chronicles the addiction and what it entails. The chorus in particular stuck out to our listeners: “I’m all about dat ass / damn that waistline was vast / I’ll straight get up in dat ass / I put dat ass in a cast.”

ASAP then moves to a more somber tone, with Chingy reflecting on his choices in a seriously dope club banger, ‘I Couldn’t Quit Dat Ass’. The track features fellow ass-enthusiasts Big Sean and Nicki Minaj, and will probably be released as an early single some time soon.

Chingy gets deep and pensive in verse 3, with “Fuck you to the haters / ass is what I chose / they just want my paper / big booty’s my gold”.

“I’m just doin me. I love da booty. I can’t stop myself from wanting dat ass. We tried everything, and here I am. The same man. Society’s just gotta let me do me I guess. I mean that’s what this album’s all about. Dat ass.” commented Chingy. “I just get in the booth, and it just flows from me, ya know. It’s what I’ve been dealing with my whole life. Dat ass. When I was little it was hard for me to sing, because I had dat assthma, so I started rapping. And I can’t see too well because of dat asstigmatism, but I think I’ve come a long way, n’a’m sayin’?

Dat ass got me in a chokehold and I’m just tryna stay above water. That’s what ASAP is all about. I mean invariably, the resonsance and sonic altitude of dat ass will mess with your harmonic frequency balancers. It’s scientifically proven by science. You gotta respect dat ass. Or dat ass will swallow you whole, literally.”

The album finishes with a three-track spoken word piece, with the tracks ‘Massasschusetts Girls’, ‘Ass Pirate’, and the certified dopeness ‘Assfixiation’. Chingy cuts deep to his audience’s collective soul in ‘Ass Pirate’, crooning, “Girl, don’t you worry, I ain’t finna try shit / I got asspirations of bein’ yo ass pirate”.

Finally, the powerful album concludes on the stanza, “I was drownin’ in ass, asphyxiation / now I’ve got it on a pedestal, I’ve got an ass fixation / I booty dat ass till dat booty ass ass / ass dat booty ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ...”

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Death Notice for Lucky Star

By Erin Andrews

Lucky Star was 5 years young when he passed away tragically in the presence of thousands of spectators.

Lucky Star was born to an affluent and well-regarded family in Louisville, Kentucky. When he was young, he loved running around the family stable, eating hay, and horsing around.

While events like these can stirrup emotions, his family takes solace in the memories that they had with him.

“I’ll always remember the first time my daughter saw him . . . She was running out of the gates to get to him. It makes me whinny just thinking about it,” said John Jennings, going hoarse because he had been sobbing for so long. “Although I really did have to pony up to get him to be part of this family.”

“Lucky always did have a long face, but he jockeyed well for attention,” said Martha Jennings “His neigh-sayers were always left speechless after the races. He was truly fantastic.”

Yet, Lucky’s death not only affected his family, but the entire community. Teenagers around the area were devastated after hearing the news.

“I used to go on trail walks with Lucky since it bailed me out of studying,” said Suzzy Loopy. “Now, I know that my fun is going to be reined in.”

“Before school, I would giddy-up over to the stable to see my mane guy Lucky. The second time I saw him, I rode him bare back,” said Sally Salamander. “What a ride. I hoofed and hollered the entire time.

Unforgettable.”

The family will not hold funeral services for Lucky. Instead, his corpse will be sent to a glue factory.

Note: Please forgive this author for beating a dead horse.

fall.2012

volume7.issue2

Winter Ball Stimulates Local Businesses

While many local residents initially viewed the coming of Winter Ball with trepidation, it is now seen as one of the most effective job creation techniques implemented in the Twin Cities area.

Dry cleaner Dan Wheatly told this reporter that, “I’ve had booming business cleaning off stains of everything from urine to vomit to semen to feces, and even some stains I couldn’t identify, but good money is on a honey mustard/brownie/vodka and red bull mix. And I’ve been doing this for a while… If I can’t tell what it is, it must be truly horrifying.” Florist Flora Jenkins agrees, noting that, “It pained me to see so many plants thrown out of windows, vomited on, ripped out, defecated on, or any combination of those four. That said, I’ve made a killing selling the hotel new plants to replace the old ones. What I really do is take the old plants, scoop the poop out, tie them to a ruler to keep them upright, and sell then right back to the venue.” The effects of Winter Ball are being felt far and wide; lawyer Brad Nailer has more clients than he can count, suing the school for negligence or prosecuting students for reckless endangerment and public nudity. Nailer commented that he believed it might be possible for him to add a new partner to the firm just to deal with the influx of cases. Seeing the massive impact of Winter Ball on the Twin Cities, the Obama administration is planning to implement similar programs across the country.

Winter Ball Venue “Best One Yet”

Winter Ball this year was a rousing success, thanks to the new venue selected by the Program Board. After all, who’s ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese and not had fun? Senior Ronald Johnson told The Hegemonocole, “There was so much pizza! And using the little black-light stamps to see who could and couldn’t drink was genius!” Freshman Annie Brandt commented, “The top 40 radio station was a great DJ! And when I got too tired dancing, I just broke some records on a Skiball machine and won this awesome Chinese finger trap!” Others were equally delighted with their experiences, reflecting on “Watching that guy in a Rat Suit really get down!” and “Some pretty intense grinding in the ball pit!” The Program Board was happy with this Ball, but are really hoping to find somewhere with a bit more atmosphere. When interviewed, a representative of the PB said, “Right now, Ramsey County Jail looks like a pretty strong candidate.”