Hege: Vol. 8 Issue 1

Volume 8, Issue 1

Spring 2013

The

Hegemonocle Probably Macalester’s first humor magazine Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably Probably

not Macalester’s first humor magazine will give you a paper cut fewer typos this time shouldn’t read this in class smells mourning the death of Janet Wallace the best thing you’ll read on the toilet today recyclable maybe a sort of indecisive magazine the largest independent collector of fish heads at Mac

Dear Macalester, Last semester, the Executive Board of BLAC (Black Liberation Affairs Committee) wrote an Op-Ed in The Mac Weekly titled “Hegemonocle race piece no laughing matter”. The Op-Ed criticized an article published in the first Hegemonocle issue of last semester (Volume 7, Issue 1), titled “Macalester students seek more diversity in bed”.

It is never our intention to single out or hurt anyone. Clearly, that doesn’t always happen.

“Macalester students seek more diversity in bed” was attempt to satirize the lack of racial diversity on campus. It didn’t work. Instead it ended up objectifying and ostracizing students of color on campus.

And for that we are deeply sorry.

We realize this public apology comes very late. However, it would be disingenuous if we did not let our readers know that we take criticism very seriously, and have subsequently reformed our workshopping and content review process to make sure that this never happens again.

Because the Macalester community deserves better humor writing. Hopefully we can provide that from now on.

Sincerely, The Macalester Hegemonocle

Comments can be directed to hegimonocle@macalester.edu.

The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 8, Issue 1 Spring 2013 Jonathan Gershberg Turner

Hooch

Michelle Einstein

Joseph Evers

Joey Frankl

Mackey Borg

Simple Pstent Clerk Frankls and Beans

And Now For The Jokes...

Alex Juffer

Poopbutt

Rhetoric Czar/Tzar/Tsar/Csar

Lydia Karlson

Libie Motchan

Pat Lippank-Shands

Jinath Tasnim

Henry Fremont

Ross Boehme

Squirrel Vexer

“Tall Patrick”

Lil’ Fre Fre

Liam Downs - Tepper

Double Down

Sarah Knispel

Silent K

Vanessa Barerra

Genuinly Caring Individual

Tyler Krentz

Derpaholic

Community Outreach Manager

Imperial Arcivist

David Schwimmer

Coat Rack

Lord Our Savior

Tom Wakin

Father of Four

Andrew Shirley Republican

Phineas Rueckert

Phinky And The Brain

Letter from the Editors

Table of Contents Page 2 An apology for the contents of Page 1 Page 4 Cease and Dissist Letter by Google Page 8 Photoalbum: The sexiest corrugated tin roofs of 2012 Page 10 Narwhals: Is now the time to buy?

This roof bares it all. Page 8 for more steamy tin shots!

Page 15 A guaranteed rib-tickler

Page 17 Interviews with all eight ghosts of Hannukah Past.

Page 28 Something written in Comic Sans Page ∞ Stepping in Gum, and other reasons for suicide Page 52 & ¾ All of the song lyrics of Mumford & Sons

Honestly, its the worst.

Page 2013 We tell you what year it is (aka a calender)

Hegemons on Hegebatical Justine “We can’t go on without you” Decker

Sarah “No, seriously, we need you back” Haight Jacob “Coat Rack misses you” Waxman

Our Sponsors Monstanto FOX NEWS CORP. nRA PETA HALLIBURTON BP OIL macalester coLLEGE

Dear Readers,

When we matriculated to this fine institution, we came with dreams to learn from some of the finest professors in the country and change the world. Instead, we joined the Hegemonocle.

Over the next four years we worked hard to make you laugh and cry and pee a little bit. With these noble goals driving us, we accomplished so much. Mostly in spite of ourselves, because nothing drives a humor magazine more than spite. And self-hatred. And Cool Ranch Doritos. And spite.

Here is a (very) abridged list of these achievements.

1. Wrote an article that prompted the Onion to reply: “imitation is now the worst form of flattery”.

2. Managed to not use OrgSync even once.

3. Promoted literacy in Inner-Olin Rice Neighborhoods.

4. Learned how to spell “Hegeymonocle” correctly.

5. Successfully overthrew The Mac Weekly in a bloodless coup, then installed our own puppet editors to promote Hegemonocle material subliminally.

6. Got funding from Macalester College to do this.

Thanks for reading. In all seriousness, it has been great doing this. To all of our writers, thank you for your hard work, coming to meetings when you could have been at Plums, and your hilarity. To all of our readers, thanks for putting up with our attempts to tickle your ribs, split your sides and help you procrastinate longer.

Now we go off into the wonderful post-grad malaise where we will spend our times telling jokes to the tubs of ice cream that we will be crying over every night. Don’t worry about us though, we have faith that the adult world values the skill sets of former college humor newspaper editors.

Also, if you lose your copy of this list, you can find extra copies tacked to our parent’s fridges.

Goodbye, Jon & Alex

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volume 8. issue 1

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The Anatomy of Your Paper

Your Name A date earlier than you actually started writing other information that you really don’t need to put but shit, this has to be five whole pages

Forlorn Junior Regrets Everything

Last Thursday, amid the clangor of a hectic Café Mac lunch, Stanley Palinsky ’14 came to the sudden realization that he regrets every choice he’s ever made in the entirety of his college career.

According to eyewitnesses, the young man had just ordered a woefully inadequate helping of stir-fry and hard, crunchy rice at the wok station when out of nowhere he burst into tears. One source told the following account: “we tried to get him to stop, but nothing helped… he just stood there, staring off into the distance, as his tray slowly filled up with the tears of a man who’d lost his very sense of self.”

According to those close to Palinsky, this event didn’t come as a shock. One friend claimed it “was a long time coming. I remember spring semester freshman year after he didn’t get into any of his first choice classes. At first he tried to make the best of it, saying things like ‘I’ve never taken a course on transubstantiation as an act of ego before. I think it’s going to be really interesting. I think I’ll learn a lot.’ But, months later, when he was forced to make a last minute major declaration his sophomore year, I could tell it really started to get to him.”

Palinsky himself had little to say on the subject. The Hegemonocle found him in an independent study room, rocking slowly back and forth and muttering to himself. Immune to prodding or consolation, he simply murmured, “Eight wasted classes… a full year… should’ve majored in my minor… should have applied for more internships…”

This sad, confidence-shriveling experience extends far beyond this poor young man and in actuality grips millions of 20-somethings nationwide. One by one, America’s youth slowly come to the realization that their plan to simply “go with the flow” or “explore my options” has not resulted in substantive revelations of any kind. If anything, these sufferers, also known as “liberal arts students,” leave higher education with only a massive pile of debt to accompany them as they drift meaninglessly through life, ghosts endlessly pacing the earth’s surface in a quest for that which may finally yield their sense of purpose.

There is no hope.

Eye Roll Inducing Pun That Doesn’t Really Relate to My Topic:

An extended subject line that includes the words, ‘race’, ‘gender’ or ‘sexuality’ preferably in the context of an extremely specific past time period or place, both of which you really have very little knowledge of

This is your introduction. You try to write something interesting to catch the reader’s attention.

You try to do this even though you know the only reader is your professor who is contractually obligated to read your stale attempts to make your opening sentence sound interesting, and will inevitably skip over this section anyway. You rewrite this section a couple of times, get tired and then look up the word “Racism” in Websters. You quote it without citing your sources, because its 2 AM, you know she won’t notice that this is just an extended non-sequitur before your thesis statement. A good thesis statement ideally recycles the ideas of articles that you read for class into a semi-coherent statement that is either completely unfounded in anything that resembles a fact, OR so obvious that the only thing this paper ever did was give you carpal tunnel and cause you to miss the most recent episode of Girls.

Subheading Used Exclusively to Take Up Space (and bolded for good measure)

Here begins the body of your paper. This is where you lay out the specific points of your argument and support it with evidence. Here is an example: Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.

Now you insert a block quote because you rather let other people speak for you instead of think of original ways of saying something: Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.1

A sentence that you forgot to finish because you got distracted by a Buzzfeed slideshow on sassy cats that look like Jennifer Lawrence in the 90s. Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit. Bullshit Bullshit Sheepshit Bullshit Bullshit. Some buzzwords about hegemony (a must). Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.2

This is your conclusion. Its best to start every conclusion with the phrase, “In Conclusion”, so people know that the god-forsaken experience of trudging through your half hearted attempts at critical thinking are over. After you write this you are free to feel an undeserved sense of accomplishment.

When you get this paper back, you will complain about only getting a B+. I mean, why is she such a harsh grader, anyway?

1 2

(Here is where you cite a page of an article/book you didn’t read).

(This is where you cite a source that you found from a link off the Wikipedia page).

spring 2013

volume 8. issue 1

volume 8. issue 1

Middle East Peace talks paused for game of Twister®.

Super Senior Spotlight: Cody Johnson

When the Class of 2008 heard the “Your Business Here is to Learn” speech at new student convocation, Cody Johnson ‘13? took the message to heart. Johnson has been learning for nine years now and “has no plans to stop anytime soon.” The seasoned senior is a Women’s, Gender and Sexuality studies major “with an emphasis in women.” This week, the Hegemonocle sits down with Cody to discuss his unparalleled commitment to live the NORSYs (No Regrets Senior Year(s)) lifestyle.

The Hegemonocle: What are the pros and cons of being a ninth year Macalester student?

Cody Johnson: Pros — kagin still rules, the incoming male class is unattractive as ever, and the Hegemonocle. Cons — how the fuck do I get my multiculturalism requirement?, the Daily Piper, a general lack of shaving and the Hegemonocle.

TH: What does your class load look like this semester?

CJ: First, I’m taking Con-Con pass fail. It will be my seventh semester doing so. Also, I’m taking GeoCinema. I smoke a bowl before class and then get to watch Planet Earth. I’m still not sure how that’s a four-credit course. Finally, I’m working on my WGSS Capstone: “Vagina: a sustainable approach.”

TH: Where are you living this year?

CJ: The children’s reading room. Lovesac + Good Night Moon brings me to climax.

TH: How has Mac challenged you?

CJ: The toaster, holy fuck.

spring 2013

Johnson courts a lady at last week’s Kagin dance

TH: How are you able to finance your extended stay?

CJ: My main form of sustenance is the popcorn machine. People believe that Mac students consume $10,000 worth of popcorn each semester. I’d say 3/4 of that is just Terry Gorman and me. I get a little bit of spending money by stealing fruit and reselling it for profit at orphanages.

TH: Any plans of graduating in the future?

CJ: Not really. The real world is just a little too global, rigorous and inspiring for me.

TH: If you could give an incoming freshman any word of advice, what would it be?

CJ: 204-313-4093, hmu ladies (no commercial interests)

by Soledad O’Biden

Yesterday, after three hours of gridlock negotiations concerning the peace process in the Middle East, Heads of State involved in the discussion proceeded to play the game known as Twister®.

“Things became very interesting very quickly when the Syrian Prime Minister proceeded to begin the game by placing his left foot on a green circle,” said one viewer.

Light giggles and squeals of surprise characterized the game that has delighted American consumers since its rise to popularity in the 1960s. The president of Lebanon even described this particular outing as “whimsical” and “spontaneous.” Game play escalated when the president of Afghanistan arrived late to this game of physical skill made by American toy company Milton Bradley. “Karzai was a game changer,” noted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, “his poise on the mat as well as his body awareness was difficult to compete with.”

At the conclusion of the game, it was unclear who achieved victory. The players found themselves in a large pile of laughter and glee looking at one and other half-heartedly attempting to determine who had won.

“I think everyone won,” said an onlooker, “they all just seemed happy to be sharing such a small physical area with one another.”

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NFL DRAFT PREVIEW

volume 8. issue 1

By The Gumbels

With the NFL draft just around the corner, and the Macalester Fightin’ Scots owners of the #1 pick overall, we preview 5 choices they’re rumored to favor coming into this years scouting combine. (Mel Kiper jr, Todd Mcshay, and legendary draft expert coat rack were all consulted before compiling this list.)

1)Olin Rice Vending Machine

Whoa, head’s up, here comes a big boy who’s not afraid to get dirty in the trenches! Ol’ ORVM will put up a sturdy wall between your quarterback and any defensive player who is incapable of moving horizontally. ORVM is also great at dispensing drinks to the rest of your players and is reportedly a fantastic locker chemistry room guy although he’s been known to be a bit of a trickster (I think we all remember how he turned St. Olaf ’s locker room into a giant gerbil cage...smdh lol)

2)Ping Pong Table in the Basement of Wallace

A Meeting with Your Boss Good afternoon _____________. Have a seat.

(your name)

“Sturdy,” “A veteran presence,” and “just a plain winner.” These are all compliments that have never been used to describe the ping pong table in the basement of Wallace hall. But, shit, he’ll play for practically free (a new net) and his mom is dating the commissioner, so he’s definitely a dark horse.

Do you know why you’re here? Do you know why you’re ___________ here? (expletive)

3) Brian Rosenberg

___________ you, that’s why you’re here. (expletive)

Brian Rosenberg reportedly runs a 3.9 40 yard dash, can do 10,000 push-ups, and can bench press 700 pounds.

Of course, our sources tell us that all of this data was recorded by an adoring, anonymous fan going by Ryan Flowerman in a private workout session as he cheered the president on, so we may need an outside source to verify this.

4) Coat Rack

What?!? How did Coat Rack get on this list? Oh, you sly bastard, you. I should have known this list was tainted when I saw you helped compile it. Give it up coat rack! You’re never going to make it to the big time. You’re too skinny, you have too many arms, you have small hands! Oh, come on coat rack, don’t cry, I didn’t mean it like that, you know that I would never hurt you...

5) The Entire Macalester Football Team

In this option, Macalester College just redrafts the entire 2012 Macalester football team, forcing re-enrollment of graduating seniors and telling the freshman class that Macalester as a school is now defunct. This option is currently the odds-on favorite.

Do you think I’m a ___________ idiot? Do you think I don’t ___________ know about what (expletive) (expletive) goes on in my own ___________ office? (expletive) You’re a ___________ loser. You’re a loser and you’re going ___________ nowhere.

(expletive) (expletive) I know what it ___________ takes and you don’t ___________ have it.

(expletive) (expletive) So ___________ you. You’re ___________ incompetent. (expletive) (expletive) You know what? You’re fired. You ___________ got that? YOU’RE ___________ FIRED!

(expletive) (expletive) GET THE ___________ OUT OF MY ___________ OFFICE YOU ___________ IDIOT!

(expletive) (expletive) (expletive)

spring 2013

volume 8. issue 1

Pitchfork Reviews Macalester Classes: Jeffery Coarelli

History of the Roman Empire Spring Semester 2013

Best New Class

9.3

After giving his critically acclaimed debut course “History of the Roman Republic” in the fall, Jeffery Coarelli’s artistic direction remained in limbo. His angular use of multi-media as well as nuanced (and sensible) approach to assessment font sizes left students with a renewed näivety for the 500 years of history that encompassed the Roman Republic.

Yet, after a brief hiatus over January, Coarelli was back doing what he does best. But it’s his coy interaction of parallel and perpendicular content changes that makes this shimmering sophomore effort a worthwhile endeavor.

All the reasons why we attended “History of the Roman Republic” on Tuesdays and Thursdays are here, but they are expanded on a macro and micro scale.

The Course begins with a lecture on the last great men of the Roman Republic and the shifting, but not dynamic, power structure in Roman Society in the mid 1st Century B.C.E. The declaration of Caesar as the first emperor is controversial, but not contentious. When Corarelli states, “Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 B.C.E,” the listener is asked to engage with the stark ambiguity of this statment that drives a splinter into the chasm of cultural understanding. This analysis revels in the sometimes dark and brooding shadow cast by ancient authors such as the enigmatic Tacitus and the chaste, but curious Suetonius.

Coarelli’s craft at formulating successful, harmonious, ubiquitous, and frivolous lectures is prevalent in his treatment of the Flavian Dynasty and the Battle of the Milvian Bridge. Here, the blissful intercourse of primary and secondary texts within the classroom lead to a harrowing journey of self-identification and historicization of the Roman Imperial experience.

At times “History of the Roman Empire” feels derivative of seminal works such as Jones’ stunning “Emperors, Christians, and the Provinces” or Freeman’s Magnum Opus “Romans.” Yet, the course feels fresh, but never youthful, even with an explicit acknowledgment of the groundwork laid by other master craftsman. In his final lecture titled “Legacy of the Romans” Coarelli states, “Life and civilization are unique combinations of the human experience.” After finishing this course, these lines will never resonate more clearly coming from a man who has proven his capacity to be one of the eminent instructors of recent semesters.

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Things We Would Love Our Midterm Exams To Be On Instead of the Material We Haven’t Studied Whatsoever: 1) List the lyrics of three Disney songs and discuss which princess was totally your favorite

growing up as a child.

2) Summarize the strategies for beating the original twelve Pokémon gym leaders.

3) Explore the evolution of Goku from his journeys in Dragon Ball up through the Cell Saga.

4) Recount the harrowing tales embarked upon by the main character in two Pixar movies

of your choice.

5) Explain your ideal Magic deck. Which decks would it work well against? Which would

prove difficult to beat? How would it handle a three-player match?

6) Describe each dance move in “the electric slide.” You may get up for this if necessary.

7) Critically discuss your favorite procrastination technique. Include pros/cons, breadth/

depth, etc.

8) Write a short essay examining the relationship between Spongebob Squarepants and

Squidward Tentacles as it develops throughout the series.

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Classic Switcheroo: Post Gaming Mac’s Big New Fad

Instagram Releases Beta Plug-In to Google Project Glass Eyewear

A week ago Instagram released its newest sensation, Instagram for Google’s Project Glass. For those who are unaware, Project Glass are glasses that project images into your right eye’s vision, and contain a computer that responds to voice commands. Instagram has hopped on the bandwagon, offering its world-renown filters as an add-on for the unbelievable technology.

For this new product, Instagram has added several filters unique to the Google Glass app, such as DrunkGoggle, the app simulating the phenomenon known as “beer goggles,” causing people around the user to appear fiercely sexually attractive and attracted to the user.

Users will be able to add classic Instagram filters and cool effects to their otherwise boring perspective on the world around them. Some lucky individuals were given a week-long trial period to see how they liked the product.

“Instagram for Google Glass is amazing! I never realized how ugly the world around me really is!” says beta tester Laura McMuffin™. “During my trial week, I’d say to myself, ‘Today feels like Walden… Or maybe X-Pro.’ I could never decide! I just wish I could get it back.”

Another beta tester, Paul Nutterbutter™, commented, “Whenever I ate, I first would turn on Lo-Fi. It was glorious. Now that my trial’s done, I can’t eat. I’ve lost over 30 pounds in a month, the food just looks so bland and disgustingly plain.”

Some users have reportedly been trying to fill the void left by their trial periods ending, carrying several pairs of differently tinted sunglasses at all times. A street racket of tinted glasses conterfeits has sprung up in major cities across the US and in China. Others no longer on the trial even have created DIY Google Glass eyewear by taping their iPhones to cheap eyeglasses and leaving Instagram open, and covering their other exposed eye with an eyepatch. Hipster culture has responded to this by securing Polaroid cameras to their heads.

Other users have been spotted staring at their newly painted nails, looking at themselves in the mirror for hours, taking eyeball selfies, or just enjoying cats way too much.

Instagram’s social networking side of the app has blown up from this new technology. Users across the world have been logging record hours, caring more and more about their likes, judging an individual’s worth based on how ‘liked’ their Instagrammed life is online.

Furthermore, there have been several reports of trial users considering abruptly ending their lives, not wanting to live in such an awfully boring world without Instagram filters. One told us, “Without Nashville, Valencia, or Earlybird, I have nothing. Not even my job as a doctor or my supermodel husband gave me the same enjoyment for life that my Instagram for Google Glass gave me. Now all I have left is my old, unfiltered life. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

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By Bunk Moreland

This year St. Paul police has stepped its enforcement of alcohol related laws as part of a national effort to end underage drinking. Naturally the once vibrant Macalester off campus party scene has taken a big hit, with parties being broken up and social host violations being dispensed. Macalester, not a school known for rolling over, has responded in a rather interesting way: Post-gaming.

Instead of drinking before and at parties that get loud and out of hand Macalester students have decided to attend parties totally sober and then get hammered afterwards before going to sleep. Allowing students to attend the social gatherings they have come to adore, but also get really drunk which is fun.

Alan Alanzander, an underage sophomore affected by the new crackdown, had some interesting insight, “This actually works really well for my interests. I love parties with polite conversation and light polka dancing, but I also crave the sweet sweet taste of Taaka brand vodka. So this new arrangement is really a win-win.”

Student response to this new trend has been overwhelmingly positive but for different reasons. “I have immense respect for local law enforcement and if they don’t want me throwing loud parties then I will not,” squawked some junior, “ but I also have a crippling dependence on alcohol. These two interests are pretty frequently at odds….”

The new trend has also to some interesting changes in the way courtship takes place at Macalester College. “I used to just grind on girls at Kagin and go home with them,” remembered senior Richard Phallow, wistfully, “But that’s all changed now.

These days if you want to pick up a lady at Kagin, you have to politely ask them to dance, waltz for 5 or more songs, then take them home to shotgun at least 3 beers before any of the fun stuff. I’m not sure modern courtship is for me”

It remains to be seen how long this trend will last, but Macalester’s long-standing record of social responsibility and love of local law enforcements says this one may be here to stay.

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Scottish People Outraged at Portrayal of Scottish People at Macalester

This past week, a slew of complaints have come in from Edinburgh about how Macalester has portrayed their people. They claim that how Macalester depicts and appropriates Scottish culture is vulgar and offensive.

In an interview, the person in charge of Scotland, Angus O’Callahan stated, “I am outraged at the gross cultural misappropriation of Macalester. I mean have you seen their mascot?! Scots never smile that much and their heads are never that big! Also, we, as a nation, take great offense with the name of the school store. There can only be one Highlander!” When asked for his opinion on the matter, student Scott Scottson said, “I don’t really know what all the fuss is about.”

This controversy has culminated in a series of acts of vandalism, attacking the Scottish images in Macalester. These acts range from the beating of Mac the Scot, to the spray painting of the Lochness Monster onto campus buildings, to the firebombing of Scotty’s.

President Brian O’Rosenberg has since called on the students of the college to fight back. In an emergency, school-wide meeting he roared, “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while.

And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!”

In an act of solidarity for Mac the Scot and their college’s roots, the student body has unanimously agreed to wear kilts from now on. At press time, an association of people named Scott were also offended, but did not comment. They all had work in the morning.

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spring 2013

How did you get past the guards?

1. Easily 2. Let’s just say, you should have covered their health insurance........

3. Bribery 4. Beat them in a little game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-KAPOW!!!!!!!!

5. Told them I left my keys in my office 6. Took the stairs

What are you eating for dinner?

1. Whatever they are serving at

English Department’s Treat Night

2. Leftover Leftovers

3. Literally just a pickle

4. Oh shit, I forgot about that 5. Regurgitated Lunch

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“I don’t understand anything that’s going on in any of my classes.”

volume 8. issue 1

LIMITED EDITION ~Hegemonocle Trading Cards~

Trade with ! l Fr ien Al m e h ds!

T t c e l l o C

A recent study found that knowledge retention at Macalester is at an all time low. Even though 96% of Macalester students graduated in the top quarter of their high school class, 96% of students have “no fucking clue” what is going on in their academic life.

Kofi Annan

One student, Caryn Wooster, who is taking Intro to Books, explained her struggles: “Most of the time, I hear words, and I understand the words, and most of the sentences, but that’s about all I understand. I’m actually pretty smart though.”

Caryn went on to say, “Actually I think I know why. Most of the time, I just think about oral sex. Like all the time. Receiving, performing. Receiving and performing at the same time, on top, on bottom, in between, in shower, in LoveSac. Flavored condoms – cherry, banana, vanilla, chocolate fro-yo, hot dog. Penis flavored condoms. Unflavored condoms.

Sometimes, no condoms at all! But literally, in my head, it’s just fellatio everywhere. Professor Longfellow has caught me staring at his crotch several times this semester. I don’t think he notices though.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” Professor Longfellow responded. “She also gchats me.”

Other students in the class have taken notice. “Well she drools a lot,” said Berty Heinritz, her classmate in Accelerated Thinking.

Whoa... dental dams... are for beavers.

Occupation: Liberal Artist Age: 7 ¾ Dog Years

Brian Rosenberg

•

Coined the phrase “What the Dickens!”

Preferred Jean Fit: Husky Girth: 8

•

A Terrible Dancer

•

•

Thought Pitchfork’s 10 rating of “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” was sensationalist, but not unreasonable

Gave Your Grandmother a foot massage while she was a prospective student at Macalester

•

Macalester’s first ever MCS Major

•

•

Self Proclaimed “khaleesi”

Currently frozen in Carbonate and Located in the foyer of the Markim Hall

However, sex isn’t the only thing distracting students. Other class time activities include: - Trying to figure out if the kid in class who looks like Macaulay Culkin is actually Macaulay Culkin - Thinking about butts - Wishing - Thinking of names for Prince William and Kate’s unborn baby child

Your Favorite Hedge Writer

So are Macalester students getting dumber? Do they just need some more cunnilingus in their lives? It’s hard to say.

First Sexual Encounter: Pending Favorite Unit of Measurement*: Nautical Miles •

Feels like they “could have easily written that Onion article about Joe Biden”

The Squirrel

Species: Squirrel Favorite Book: Pride and Prejudice •

Hates “Breaking Bad” and “The Wire”

•

Sees himself as a Liaison of Culture between Macalester and the rodent community

•

Is Contemplating Dick Jokes

•

Still doesn’t know how to spell the name of this publication *besides dog years •

Just wants to get his nut

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Kanye Mulling Choices of Baby’s Godfather

With the recent revelation that Kim Kardashian is pregnant, she has given her beau, the part-time fashionista, full-time musical genius, consistently diminutive Kanye West the job of naming the child’s godfather. Not to take the job lightly, Kanye has created a pro/con list for each nominee, which we were lucky enough here at the Hegemonocle to get our hands on by making it up.

Drake

JAY-Z

Pro: Court side seats for the Brooklyn Nets.

Pro: Throws a mean bar mitzvah; Having a godfather permanently confined to a wheelchair will teach him to be humble.

Con: Court side seats are located directly next to Kris Humphris chair at the end of the Brooklyn Net’s bench, from which he rarely departs.

Con: Only lives once.

RICK RO$$

Pro: tickle-y beard, has the general disdain for t-shirts shown by many small children, succulent titties.

Cons: Always has that, “Well, I ain’t that hungry, but shit...this baby is tender” look in his eyes; Baby may become confused with two sets of succulent titties in its life.

George Bush

Pro: Get to see him squirm while trying to figure out how to handle Hurricane Diaper, population 1.

Con: Doesn’t care about black people.

K

ANYE WEST Pro: Cool as fuck.

Con: Hanging with a baby all the time might fuck up Kanye West’s swag....

2 CHAINZ Pro: Throws a great birthday party.

Con: Motherfucker’s name is 2 CHAINZ, 2 CHAINZ!!!

Don Corleone

Pro: Seems to have this whole “Godfather thing” down pat.

Con: Murder, mafia etc. etc. etc.

First-Year Stuck in Purgatory of Café Mac Bill “Beezlebub” Johnson

Donald Rapier has slipped into an odd netherworld that exists in Café Mac. He finds himself wandering from station to station, never sure of what he wants, always vaguely hungry, and unable to ever sit down. When asked about his state of being, Donald responded, “I dunno. I kinda feel like the Grill, but I may just get Asian.”

Day after day, Donald slowly trudges back and forth from the south side to the north side. He has never left Café Mac since arriving to Macalester, and may stay there forever. “Sometimes I see him pause in front of the desserts for hours on end,” remarked Cathy Girffin, a fellow first-year. “He’ll just stand there, eating vegan dessert after vegan dessert,” she added. When asked about this oddity, Donald said, “I can’t seem to help myself.

I’m rooted in my spot, shoveling those vegan cookies into my mouth, and then they keep coming back. It never seems to end.”

People wonder how Donald found himself in this position. However, no one, not even Donald, knows for sure. He says, “I came here on the first day and was amazed by the amount of choice I had. Though sometimes, the flames roaring and burning me from the pizza oven makes me think there’s another reason for this.” Some speculate he feels a little nauseous and is just looking for the right food that won’t upset his stomach. Others believe he’s been punished by a supreme being, banished to roam the floors of Café Mac for all eternity.

Donald concluded his interview with a wish that the freshman girls who serve food would not cackle as much and be generally less “harpie-like.”

spring 2013

volume 8. issue 1

spring 2013

Uncertain Future for “Puppy Bowl”

Get ready for Some of the HOT Sizzling Pics from Founders Day!

Will Simmons A stunning and completely newsworthy article by the Huffington Post this Sunday confirmed recent allegations of doping and steroid use in the 2013 Puppy Bowl, sponsored by Dog Food ©.

It certainly was the a day for the Founders this year! All of Macalester’s hottest celebrities came out for a night of style, drinking with their professors in Cafe Mac, and bad decisions. Check some of the hottest photos from the extravaganza! Watch out, they’re hot!

The controversy began two weeks ago when investigative reporter Neil Catrick Hairis tweeted that he sensed something fishy about the players in the Puppy Bowl—and it wasn’t his Iams Proactive Health Tuna Cat Food. One of his fifteen tweets noted that 24 lb Husky, Tim Tebone, was “definitely cute as a button, especially when he chased his own tail at minute 14 of the first quarter, but there is no way he isn’t juicing.”

Such remarks made in Twitville have sparked a fierce dogbate regarding the role of performance enhancing drugs in Puppy Football, with Wolf Blitzer hounding Puppy Bowl Commissioner Roger Gooddog for more details.

volume 8. issue 1

Dewitt “Hound Dog” Wallace, After a good ol’ Founders Day Grind Sesh.

Animal rights groups such as Puppies for Peace decried Animal Planet for its lack of transparency regarding Puppy training methods, while insurrectionist Russian punk band Pussy Riot noted the hypocrisy that there was no Kitty Bowl.

Cats’ rights cooperative, I’m Feeling Feline, demanded to see more pussycats in professional sports.

However, not all responses to Puppy-Gate have been negative.

Former NBA all-star and current American Idol contestant, Charles Barkley, was certainly not sniffing anyone’s butt over this issue. “Man, this is just silly,” he said. “Will someone get me a Icy Hot Patch?”

Four Rough Customers Charles “Cool Guy” Turck, rolling another one of his legendary spliffs

The original members of Soulacious Margaret “Sauce Queen” Doty, loving Jungle Juice

spring 2013

volume 8. issue 1

New Categories Popping up on Your Netflix: 1. Nic Cage Dramas with a Strong Nic Cage Lead 2. If you liked “Trolls 3”. . .

3. Secretly Erotic Dramas That You Will Uncomfortably Watch with Your Mother at some Point 4. Real. Big. Explosions. (Part II) 5. Based on your interest in “Ghost Rider: Behind the Scenes”. . .

6. Recommended for your lonely, sad existence 7. Chick-Fil-A Flicks

spring 2013

volume 8. issue 1

Grand Opening: Lil’ Kim Yung Ill’s North Korean Restaurant!!!!!!!

Eat with the hunger of 1000 starving souls And the ferocity of 1,000,000 failed rocket launches -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------* Denotes Less that 200 Calories Menu: *Kim Jung- “Un”believable Chicken Cutlets

-So good they’ll make you Kim Jung-Il

$9.99

* Public Distribution System’s bowl of Rice

$5.00 (Free for North Koreans)

-In North Korea everything is the low calorie option

-I mean really you could stand to lose a few pounds.

-Seriously, there’s a reason why you girlfriend doesn’t like to be “Sinuiju” in public.

-(Sinuiju is a city in Northwest North Korea) *Designer Sunglasses

(free for couples)

*Demilitarized scones $2.00

-add military for $1.00 *Pop rocks

-blow up in your mouth! Fun for whole family! *Dennis Ramen Noodles

- Best Friend Dish reserved for best friends only

$0.50

Can only be ordered by Dennis Rodman

*Sharing Charge $1.00 - Seriously we aren’t fucking Communists!

Tired of Your Nalgene?

*No Food

- For authentic North Korean dinner experience

Other Water Carrying Devices:

Desserts:

1. Gourds 2. Purchase a Sanitized Lamb Spleen 3. With your hands 4. Suck from an inverted catheter a.k.a. Camelback 5. I’ll say it again, gourds 6. In your mouth, stupid

*Apple Pie (Just Kidding) Drinks: Supreme Liter of Soda: green, blue, or yellow.

So come on down Yaluza!

(The Yalu River separates North Korea and China)

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