Hege by The Macalester Hegemonocle

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 14, Issue 2 Spring 2016 The Spring Break Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Lydia Karlson ’16 Tom Wakin ’16

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Austin Parsons ’17 Head Writer Jamie Goodin ’17

DESIGN Head of Production Ivy Bardaglio ’16

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Spencer Carter ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Myles Ambrose ’17 Marissa Heim ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Yafiet Bezabih ’18

Sarah Coleman ’18 Kate Garrett ’18 Sean McDonald ’18 Noah Mondschein ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18 Thali Zikos ’18 Elizabeth Goldstein ’19 Kasia Majewski ‘19

Will Milch ’19 Elena Santarella ’19 Valerie Stenerson ’19 On Sabbatical Declan Cummings ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17

SHOUT OUTS Springfest headliner Laverne Cox Stacy’s dad “Winnners [sic]” Not getting audited Revolutionary men who shop in the women’s section Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2016.

Letters from the Editors to the Editors Dear Lydia,

Tom—

In the letter from the editors to the editors, I would like Cool letter. Ditto on the warm wishes or whatever. to explicate some things I learned about you and the art of comedy. Here, “you” is meant both definitely

Quick question: My friend has a weird rash and I was

and indefinitely. 1) You must be uncompromising in

wondering if you could maybe help him out with

your approach to quality. You must always dedicate

that? It’s like really red and sometimes it oozes this

hours upon glazed over hours to your craft. 2) You

slimey fluid. And then after a while it gets scaley

must be spatially aware. Understanding positionality

and itchy and yeah was wondering if you had any

is essential to what you do. 3) You must leave it all

recommendations. Seemed like something you

on the dancefloor. In this instance, “leave it all on the

might know about, idk.

dancefloor” is used both figuratively and literally. When you contribute to a publication, sometimes you just need to vomit everything up and hope it

It’s spreading pretty fast though so like, if you could get back to him asap that would be primo. Every

sticks.

time I look at him I want to barf.

Lydia, it has been a pleasure working with you these

Anyway, back on track. Reflecting on the time

past years. I would say we complement each other well as editors, but you could probably lose me, and the Hege would be just as not funny as it is. But

we’ve spent together as editors-in-chief of the Hegemonocle, the humor magazine we run and have been members of since our first year, which has

without you, all would crumble into naught.

required a lot of time and energy and sometimes we

Sometimes I wonder what the Hege will be like

then there’s also the radio show.

without us….

Aw, shit. Looks like I’m out of space. Darn. No

With the warmest of wishes,

chance to say any nice things about you or our time

Tom

together. Wow it’s just too bad there isn’t any room

write jokes and other times we run meetings and

at all whatsoever for me to reflect on that experience fondly and give you any compliments. Well, you know, like I said, “ditto” on what you said. It’s been real. -Lydia

P.S. By “real,” I suppose I mean “real great.”

Dog Shitting on Floor Gets More Votes than Clinton at Macalester College Caucus 2.9%

95.8%

1.3%

Hillary Clinton

Former Secretary of State

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT)

Astro

Mac Groveland Dog

Our great country was founded on the ideal that only members of the human race are allowed to become president. But that didn’t stop a portion of forward-thinking students at the Macalester College caucus from voting for Astro, a dog who wandered into the Campus Center and immediately began defecating on the floor. “I came to the caucus still undecided about who I would vote for,” senior Jeff Rosen said, “but the second I saw the look of determination in that dog’s eyes as he shat on the floor of the Loch, I knew who I was siding with.” According to poll results, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) received 95.8% of the democratic vote while Secretary of State Hillary Clinton received a measly 1.3%. But Astro, who sources say is completely inexperienced in the political arena, netted support from 2.9% of the electorate. “The day before the caucus I had just been complaining about how absolutely insufferable Bernie’s fans are,” sophomore Katherine Daniels said, “but you should have seen how violently Astro shook as he evacuated his bowels. Power plays like that are exactly what I want to see from the future leader of our country.” While most students who engaged with Astro were left with a feeling of pleasant tranquility, junior and ardent Bernie-supporter George Browning was not thrilled to see the third competitor. “People are just voting for him because he’s a dog,” he complained. “It’s ignorance like this that’s going to hurt Bernie’s chances of obliterating that heartless, cheating, lying witch of a candidate. I can’t believe that any rational human being is even considering throwing their support at her. Feel the Bern!” At press time, it remains unclear if Astro will be making stops at other colleges around the country. We asked him about his political strategy going forward, as well as if he is trying to persuade any SuperPACs to fund his campaign. However, each question we posed was met with slobbering, tail wagging and on one occasion, another round of excretion.

Interview with Macalester College

We interviewed Macalester College last week on Founder’s Day and asked them about everything from current events to what their favorite hobby is. Q: So Macalester, what do you like doing in your free time? A: Oh, cross country skiing, for sure. That and sometimes me and Carleton like filling condoms with hand lotion and throwing them at St. Olaf. It’s hilarious. At least until Carleton starts bringing up SAT averages; they can be such a dick sometimes. Q: One thing I’m sure everyone is dying to know: what’s the deal with Neill Hall? A: Are you joking? What the fuck kind of question is that? How would you like it if I asked you about that stupid fucking tie you’re wearing? Really? Polka dots? Or what if I asked you about your giant hairy ears? Yeah, you don’t fucking like that do you? Fucking tacky ass, rabbit-eared freak … Ugh, I’m sorry, I’ve just been really stressed out lately, Founder’s Day was a lot you know? I can’t believe they dropped the damn cake; I spent so much time planning. Anyway, about Neill, I was just going through a weird phase when I had that built. I was like 13 in human years and really into Papa Roach, and I assumed brutalist architecture would have more badass spikes, you know? Not so much cement. Q: What do you think about Scotties? A: What I like most about Scotties is that it makes the LC smell better. Q: I have to know, does the windmill actually provide any electricity? A: Windmill? Oh yeah, the windmill! No, that was just a joke. It makes just enough energy to power the flat screen TVs around the CC that monitor how much energy we waste. Actually a little less. Q: What are your thoughts on the election? A: Eh, kind of disappointing. Everyone talking about moving to Canada is a real bummer, and kind of spineless if you ask me. Seriously guys, Canada? How do you know they’ll even want to take you? They might be too busy actually taking in refugees (unlike some people). If you’re going to abandon your country because some fascist, leathery pig seized the fear of the masses, at least go somewhere fucking cooler. Q: What is your favorite thing about yourself? A: Honestly, all the fucking money I have. It’s pretty awesome. It was touch and go there for a while, but once I stopped being need-blind and started focusing on the cheddar, shit really opened — for me I mean, not the students of course. I was able to treat myself to a brand spankin’ new LC, and I tell you my confidence has never been better. The U of M even started inviting me to some parties. Suck it Carleton! Q: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? A: Hands down Kirk, it’s kind of, I don’t know. It’s just … just kind of sad. No community, no gumption, I feel like I let them down. Oh, and Chanter. That’s a lost cause.

Quotes@Mac Here’s what some friendly Macalester faces have to say: “Sometimes when I walk quickly on wet pavement, my shoe makes this squeaking noise. I’m not sure if anyone can hear it, but if they can, wow that’s embarrassing. Right?” -Jim Hoppe, on why he’s leaving Macalester

“Charles Dickens once said, ‘a loving heart is the truest wisdom.’ That’s something I’ve always carried with me, and that I see more and more truth in every day. If you can approach any problem with compassion, it will find a way to work itself out.”

“There’s always room for salad.” -Brandi, on her own mortality

“I’m sorry, what college?” -Kofi Annan, on Macalester College

-Pres. Brian Rosenberg, on why sometimes poop has corn in it “Sometimes you have to push really hard; you make a big mess and it requires a lot of cleaning up. But sometimes it comes out nice and smooth, no muss no fuss, and you can just walk away. Either way, it’s out and you can get on with your life.” -Marlon James, on his writing process “Often we add inflammatory stuff just to get people talking; we really don’t care about the greater ramifications at all.”

-The Hegemonocle Editors-in-Chief, on ghost-editing the Mac Weekly

“A lot of p e o p l e describe the feeling of working out as a burning, but that’s a common misconception. It’s more of a searing pain down near the base of your spine followed by the complete numbness and swelling of your legs. You hear a screaming coming from somewhere along your vertebral column saying, “Let me out, let me out please, it’s dark!” and then it nestles somewhere in your liver. But once you get past that it’s a breeze.” -Adult at the LC, on working out

A letter from Kevin the Therapy dog: Dear Student Body, Do you know what it is like to feel disposable; to be replaced as easily as an old tennis ball? Well, I do. I have just been told that two other therapy dogs, known as “Murray” and “Finnegan,” have joined the Mac community. I am just as shocked as you are. I guess my selfless dedication to the mental health of the Macalester student body was not good enough, so I am being supplanted by a couple of punk pests who probably don’t even know what a Kagin is. Can we talk about their names? Finnegan? Murray? Really? What kind of bougie shit is that? Pretty lame, if you ask me. But I doubt anyone will ask me because they’ll probably be too busy buddying up to that brat “Murray” to care what I think. Wanna know what the worst part is? I didn’t even know this was happening. I just showed up one day, a little on edge from chasing some fat-ass squirrel up a tree, expecting to be accosted by the usual horde of sleep-deprived, emotional wrecks. Instead, I was met by some red-haired buffoons who rolled over for belly rubs WAY too easily. It was amateur hour, I tell you. Nobody will tell me what I did wrong. Maybe it was all those health center condoms I ate? Then again, it might have something to do with the time I humped Jim Hoppe’s leg — although he’s leaving so I thought we were putting that behind us. I mean, people tell me daily I am “such a good dog.” Why would they lie to me? I guess what I am saying is that I want Finnegan and Murray to know that the paws are out and I will not stand for this type of disrespect. Sincerely, Kevin, the ORIGINAL Therapy Dog

BEWARE these inexperienced scrubs

Sung Kyu Kim “The Physics Professor” STATS:

Height: 5’7” Ph.D.’s from Duke University: 1 Age: Unknown Affiliations: Citadel of Grand Maesters

A wise and learned physicist whose knowledge of the universe has granted him immortality.

STRENGTHS: • • • • •

Equipped with a flame-retardant, red dress shirt — an amazing combination of utility and informality. Impossible throwing accuracy with Expo© markers established through a millennia of teaching. Irresistible charm and style. Archwizard in the arcane arts. Always rolls a d20.

WEAKNESSES: • • •

•

Bureaucratic red tape. The flippancy of today’s trends. The ridiculous notion of the multiverse and the asinine consequences that its theory establishes. Stairs.

STATS:

Height: 4’1” when on hind paws Height (Demon Form): Approximately 2 ½ Aurochs Age: Older than the Earth itself (in dog years) Affiliations: K9 Therapy Troupe 47 (Director), Morgoth The First Dark Lord (Servant)

STRENGTHS: A heightened sense of smell. Is a golden retriever so pretty loyal and does well in water. The ability to conjure weapons of fire and command minion armies. Engulfed in the unquenchable hell fire of the Valaraukar.

• • •

WEAKNESSES: • • • •

Drawn to table scraps and sexually appealing legs. Old men. The Jewels of Fëanor. Doesn’t know how to use a toilet lol.

•

Kevin the dog

A master of disguise, Kevin coaxes his prey near with tail-wagging and facelicking before revealing his true fiery Balrog self and sealing their terrible fate.

“The Therapy Dog”

Refusal to “Break the Seal” Ends in Disaster SAINT PAUL, MN — This past Saturday, sophomore Jordan Jamesson thought that an evening of “drinkin’ wit’ his broskis” would be just as fun as it’s always been — that is, until his bladder exploded. While bouncing back and forth between parties in Wallace and Bigelow, Jamesson participated in a grand total of 20 drinking games, most of which he lost by a wide margin. Like, really wide. “It started out with a couple rounds of Beer Pong, which then progressed to King’s Cup, Rage Cage, and finally Minesweeper, among others,” Jamesson’s friend and fellow sophomore, Bill Fahey said. “He even made up a couple drinking games on the spot and somehow managed to lose at those too. And he didn’t pee once.” Over the course of 4 hours, Jamesson repeatedly refused to “break the seal” because he’d “miss the next round” and then miss subsequent rounds from “pissin’ too much, brah.” Jamesson was also downing two glasses of water per drink, putting the grand total of liquid consumed at roughly 5 gallons. At approximately 12:37 a.m., Jamesson sneezed and a muffled boom could be heard emanating from his lower abdomen. Jamesson was taken to the ER, where doctors were able to create a substitute bladder out of a mostly clean ziplock bag. “He was more piss than man,” said Dr. Adam Gallagher. “Like a human water balloon. But with piss.” Jamesson is expected to make a full recovery. In an interview concerning the incident, he was quoted as saying, “Remember folks. Break the seal, or the seal will break you.” ♦

Sophomore’s 7th Grade Crush Now Aspiring DJ

$ DJ TJ AKA Jizzy $ EDINA, MN — Gracie Halcolmb ’18, while home for the weekend in early February, learned that Tyler Johnson (now going exclusively by the stage name DJ TJ AKA Jizzy), is trying to break into the greater Twin Cities area’s EDM scene. Halcolmb had an enormous, throbbing crush on Jizzy for over two and a half weeks while they attended Valley View Middle School together in 2009. “He had shaggy blond hair and wore a fitted T-Wolves hat and listened to DatPiff with one headphone in during class. I really liked him but then I saw him making out with Stacy Atkins. I was really

sad for a few days,” Halcolmb and fat, meaty drops, yo.” commented. “Now that I think about it, I probably should’ve The Hegemonocle seen this coming.” investigated Johnson’s Soundcloud, discovering a Jizzy couldn’t be reached biography section labeling for comment because he was Jizzy’s music as “Traphouse(according to his Instagram post-contemporary-dubstep account: @jizzonthabeat), that uses Nu-Metal samples1.” “spinnin sum dope a$$ beatz On Soundcloud, Johnson also wit tha crew in tha pad.” claims to have been “reppin tha hood from day 1, bitchez.” “‘The pad’ is his mom’s basement,” said Halcolmb, “‘I’m pretty sure ‘tha hood’ rolling her eyes. is Oak Grove Avenue, where his mom’s house is,” Halcomb A Twitter post from Jizzy said, shaking her head. “The (@jizz_in_ur_earholez) stated thing that’s killing me is that that his new track would I don’t know whether to be be released on Soundcloud repulsed, turned on, or both.” tomorrow and that it will have ________________________ “sum juicy ass snare build-ups 1 We don’t know what the fuck that is either.

Spring

Shavings Winter is coming to an end and many of you have massive hibernation furs to shed before springing about in your short shorts. Here are some tips to improve your hair removal ritual: 1. Call in sick to work and class. Trust me, you need the whole day. 2. Bring your laptop into the bathroom. Binge-watch documentaries about the history of shaving while you baldify your bod! 3. Make it a party! You know you’re not the only one with Sasquatch legs, so invite your friends over and shave each others’ legs. Just make sure you color code your razors! 4. Instead of shaving cream, try Nair. It will leave your skin bump free. It might even leave you skin free, nice! 5. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Why not try shaving a pattern into your shin? Stars and hearts are always adorable options. If you’re feeling extra bold, try shaving a pun into your thigh! Spring is hair to stay! 6. Fuck it. It takes too long and razors are expensive. Just braid it or something?

Overheard On Campus We have a theater building?

I hate that there are always two kinds of fries in Café Mac now. I have to specify which fries I want and I don’t know the correct terminology. The fuck is a shoestring fry?!

The Hegemonocle is way funnier than The Onion.

I was really high at Founder’s Day and talked at Jim Hoppe for a minute straight before realizing what I was doing.

You owe me 12 dollars for Taco Bell.

Where do I go to pick up my ILL book? And how did the book get sick?

Oh I know her, we matched on Tinder last semester and then never acknowledged the other’s existence!

Last night I dreamt I beat Hillary Clinton in trivia at the Tap.

Jim Hoppe is my best friend. 1111

Other thingsSuper • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

FoodsDo:

Rescue housepets from trees Their taxes Grow into their fertility Participate in juice cleanses Worry that people will recognize them Give birth Tell you what you wanna hear Cut the tension in the room Make a great fruit salad Have their names mispronounced Help out a friend Engage in light teasing Smell good Forget to zip their fly Cheer you up Make you think

Recomendation Letter I’m often asked, what is success? That’s like asking me about the colonial history of the United States. I just don’t know. I can tell you this. This, I can tell you. Success is hard. Not in a “my dog and cat got into a fight during a flood and both drowned” kind of way. No, more like a fighter pilot who will never fly again because he lost his eyes in the sa me accident in which he lost his two wives and six children. They will tell you to stop. They will put you down. They will do whatever they can to prevent you from succeeding. Who are they? I can’t tell you that. Once you know about them, they know about you. It might already be too late. But you can’t give up. This crazy, topsy-turvy, flat world needs more people like you. It needs people who ask people like me questions. Otherwise, what else would I be doing today? Nothing. I just finished Scrubs on Netflix, and the new season of Ga me of Thrones hasn’t started yet. I’m impressed with you. You have charisma, spunk, chutzpah, nice hair, a winning smile, you smell nice, perky butt, you look like you could take at least three elderly diabetics in a fight, and you have charisma. That’s why I’m recommending you for the position. Good luck. 12

Not Spam Please Dont Delete Good Ideas Inside Please Read

Josh Joshton <woodyjosh@hotmail.com> to

Mar 3 (8 days ago)

hey henry, i had lunch with your mom the other day and she told me you were taking a computer science class so i thought id share some ideas i had for some websites with you. once you get them up and running id definitely want a cut of the ad revenue, okay? i tried to make this easy to read but i dont use the computer much. thats why i need you! lets just get right into the business. that’s what my business friend bill always says. •the first one i was thinking would be like facebook but exclusively for wood workers •we could call it facewood •you could share your projects, plans, even just your workplace •i think this is a market that hasnt been cornered yet •in a similar vein, woodlovers, a dating site just for woodworkers •woodworkers just really get other wood workers •if you worked with wood youd know what i mean •i think if your aunt had been interested in my hobby a little more she wouldnt have left me. •she said i spent too much time playing with my own tool and she must have gotten jealous •she didnt even know that i have a whole set of tools •another thing that i think we could explore is some new technology •you can already get sights and sounds from your computer but did you know that when buying wood the most important sense to use is your sense of smell? •i bet you didnt know that •if you could get the smell of some quality exotic woods to come from the computer i think itd be really big •i bet even that mark zukerbaum would be interested in this idea so just get back to me when you can. i think we could make some money together. from your uncle josh ps i attached one of my favorite pictures of wood also me at the grand canyon

Things Only Bats Can Hear: 1. Sound at a frequency of 200kHz 2. You not washing your hands 3. Eggs that grew up unnoticed 4. The tomatoes that still think theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re vegetables 5. The youth leaving your body 6. Synergy, done right 7. The mice building a city made of cheese all for themselves 8. The sound the wind makes when it rustles your crippling fear of loneliness 9. The other part of a complete breakfast 10. Hepatitis X 11. The relative smallness of your genitals 12. The unstoppable march of history 13. The lies you tell in interviews 14. Your racist thoughts

HEGE THE DEAD: OF

Jacket Swallowed By Kagin: You were a great jacket and you kept your owner warm. Then you were left on a bench at Kagin. As “Party in the USA” came on and 27 white girls yelled “This is my jam!,” you were pulled into shadows. You are still alive in our hearts, and in the form of a desperate post on the Class of 2018 Facebook page.

PF Shanked By Angry Mob: You showed up to an IS class brighteyed and full of whimsy. Then you participated too much. Then you corrected a student. Then you asked what the point of PGPs are and incited a mob; you were shanked violently. Unfortunately, you will not be attending Mac. You will not be attending anywhere.

Data Science Concentration: No one remembers why you were born and to be honest we didn’t realize you’d died. But you did. If only you could have taken Community and Global Health with you.

The Obituary Corner

Condoms in SEXY Bags:

Student Still Waiting For Campus Security: You tried to get into a building early one Sunday morning. You did not have a key, so you took your only remaining option: you called Campus Security. You waited. You waited more. You’re probably still waiting, wherever you are.

Drinking Fountain Counter At LC: We all watched as you grew up, one bottle at a time. You almost hit the big 1,000,000 and brought us all to the edge of our seats. Then you died. We’ll still use your lifeless corpse to fill up our water bottles though.

Wrong place, wrong time. The second you were dropped in that bag it was open season. You were ravaged in two days. Unfortunately most of you were put in wallets and forgotten, or almost blown up like balloons until the first year drunk on half of a Mang-O-Rita realized you were covered in lube.

Your New Year’s Resolution: You came barreling into this world; you had so much promise. Then you crashed, burned, and were incinerated within two weeks. We saw this coming; you were born with terminal “being a New Year’s resolution.”

Shaw Field Igloo: You were a good igloo. You were strong, you were sturdy, and I smoked weed in you. Also I’m pretty sure I left my water bottle in you. And now you are dead. I really liked that water bottle.

15 15

How the Cloud Works in 8 Easy Steps: 1. The Cloud process begins, of course, with you saving your file. Without the file, there is no Cloud, and without a Cloud, the trolls become free from their bondage. 2. After your file is saved, two paper copies are printed out at Cloud headquarters in Ottawa. 3. The first paper copy is filed in the appropriate type of weather system. Cumulonimbus clouds, of course, house video, nimbostratus contain photos, and cirrocumulus hold all the porn. Oh, cirrocumulus, you dog. 4. The second copy is thrown in a state-of-the-art data mister, which turns the file into an invisible mist. The data becomes intermixed with the air and floats all around us. 5. Certain Cloud employees are given data goggles that allow them to see the data mist and make sure it isn’t running off. These employees are referred to as “data daddies.” 6. When you need to access your file, the daddies notify the data trolls, little invisible rascals who ride around on little, invisible tricycles and catch the data mist with little, invisible butterfly nets. These trolls scoop up the mist in the nets and bring it back to the HQ in Ottawa. 7. In the event of data mist contamination, the second paper copy, still snugly filed in the appropriate cloud, is removed and photocopied. The photocopy is misted and pushed into the atmosphere with a fireplace bellow. 8. To receive your file, a platoon of data trolls throw it in a lunchbag and pedal their little hearts out on their data-driven tricycles all the way back to your computer. Most won’t survive the journey, but you can be damn sure they’ll get you your files. Enjoy it, and think about the invisible blood spilled just so you could watch cats getting scared by cucumbers.

Alternative Time Units

Tubes of toothpaste Vibrations of molecular nitrogen

Lost friends

Sand Proximity to grandparent’s death Clean socks left

Bottles of wine Toilet paper rolls Innocence

WORLD’S SEXIEST WORD GAME He was a tall, strong _______ delivery boy. Whenever he NOUN

came to deliver, we always exchanged ____________ along PLURAL NOUN

with the money. I had an especially big order today. “That’ll be $69,” he ___________________. “Oh darn, I don’t have VERB ENDING IN -ED

enough money ... is there any other way I can _______ you?” VERB

I _________ responded. Speechless but with a smile, he took ADVERB

off my ___________________ with his bare ______________. BODY PART

ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

I knew what was going to happen, and I wanted him to make me ________ real hard. His __________ eyes stared ADJECTIVE

VERB

re ma in in g Sticks of Chapstick Saturn years M issed phon e calls from mom Gulps Used tissues Haircuts Cartons of eggs Unread emails

deep into my soul. He threw me atop the ________ and I

Notebooks Toe nail length

dream, but I looked over and saw a pile of _____________

PLACE

saw him ______________. “You’ve been very _________,” FACIAL EXPRESSION

ADJECTIVE

he said ___________. The next thing I felt was a _________ NOUN

ADVERB

running up my spine. I screamed, “_____________!!!” He tied INTERJECTION

me up with some ________ and I felt his ________ inside my NOUN

NOUN

______________. The smell of hot, sweaty ______ filled the BODY PART

NOUN

room. We _________ for hours, and at the end there wasn’t VERBED

a hole which wasn’t filled with spit, sweat, and _________. FLUID

When I awoke, I thought it all must have been an elaborate PLURAL NOUN

on the bedside table. I knew I had fulfilled ______________. KANYE ALBUM

TYHO UI NW G S ANT

TO FIND

• Poo • Your missing keys • Meaning

I N Y O U R •

POO

Fine perfumes and amethyst rings

TYOUHDON’T ING S WANT

TO FIND

• Blood • Corn • Someone else’s poo

I N Y O U R •

POO

Someone else’s keys

Trending: Crushed shells squeeze out queasy clams and they float in the open ocean until the light hits them and they realize they are middle-aged construction workers, asleep on the couch. They miss filter-feeding. Drip drip drip! This noise should be gone, but no one has the guts to confront the leaky faucet. They use it for water but it does not cooperate. The little man is feeling scrumptious today; no one tell him he will not be kissed or eaten until next Thursday. He is so confident. She is in the mall walking sadly around the fake tree, wishing she were one of the people in the speakers singing the songs from 2007. They have so much fun up there; it is audible in their voices and they are revered by the denizens of the mall.

The littlest finger of your biggest hand is not allowed.

Slipping softly into the bedroom, he makes sure not to make too much noise. He does not want her to know he was out late again teaching a monkey how to play cribbage. She will be jealous. She does not know how to play cribbage. The photo was uploaded to the internet today. It is dissatisfied. It always thought it would grow up to be a GIF. They’ve captured the enemy general. He is not all what he’s cracked up to be. In fact, he is the teeniest, tiny potato you have ever seen. All of the other potatoes laugh. They think it is so funny that he is such a small potato. When they are through laughing, they take a minute to reflect on whether they should have been laughing, and if it hurt the general’s feelings too much. They decide that it was okay and get back to the war. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. It was once a mighty cookie, a monument to all that our great civilization has created. Now it is no good, and not even little children will eat it. It should be thrown away. Collapsing buildings crumple hairless apes with power tools and they scatter across the pavement until their siphons are tickled by passing morsels and they remember they are hard-shelled molluscs stuck to the ocean floor. They miss their beer bellies.

You know the old willow tree? Down on Hickory Lane? Next to that big green Victorian, which is next to Piccolo Joe’s, and across from Large Leg Laurel’s, with the old tire swing hanging out front? Right by the old folks’ home, where the Old Ones forget? Down the road from The Cackling? You know, right outside of The Reckoning? You can still smell the faint ether of the departed, and hear the cries of the damned, made present by the howling doldrums which blow in from the East, but in a friendly, old-timey neighborhood sort of way? Pinched up by the behemoths of yore, and cascaded down the mountain of Calamity? A wet soup of slime brings forth the most foul of beasts, the summation of countless men drowned in the bog? And the bogmknsch wander forth, bringing gifts of pastries and dried apricots? And the children take the gifts, and are as such doomed to drown in the bog in their 13th summer, to join the bogmknsch, their limbs crumbling off and rotting until they can meld with their bogmaksters? And doom is foretold by all the seers — the crows yawn, and black, bloody beetles scuttle out of every crack and cranny, and the people cry out for their god to save them, but He is deaf to their pleas, for they are but one wrinkle in the ancient deity’s decaying, senile brain? Too busy playing bridge with Esther, Howard and Helen to remember His ancient creation’s peril, He ignores the subtle scratching sensation on the inside of his skull, chocking it up to the gin and tonics He had last night, letting His Children be tormented as their very world crumbles beneath their feet? And who would not say, to look upon such a spectacle, that such is the way of the world, for gods to forget their creations, and for the true cause of suffering to be, not cruelty, but indifference? Anyway, they cut it down. Where will we meet Tony to buy pot now??? 1919

HEGE POETRY CORNER untitled there is a :: man :: sitting at a table. the man is wearing a red raincoat and a red t-shirt. the man is wearing blue jeans that match his blue sneakers. the table is wobbly. the third leg is shorter than the rest. the nerve of this

table(?)!

the wooden failure mocks the man. ยก if the purpose of a table is to support items upon its surface, then this table is w o r t h l e s s ! the man wishes to destroy this imitation of a | table | . *&* is possessed by an incorrigible rage. the man gnaws on the edges. the man kicks out the legs. the table is launched into the air. the man stumbles to his car. the man drives into the table. there is now a LARGE (hole) in the house. ยก if the purpose of a house is to encase an owner within its walls, then this house is w o r t h l e s s ! the shattered shelter mocks the man. the table is broken. the house is broken. the

` M | A | N `

broken.

Is Your Roommate the Antichrist? 1. When they first walk into the room… a. They start talking about the 12page paper they are “so behind on” that’s due in two weeks. b. A seven-headed beast arises from the floorboards, his appearance like unto a leopard, his feet as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion. Upon each head is a crown of gold inscribed with many names of blasphemy. All those who gaze upon the beast falleth to their knees and worship him. c. They ignore you. 2. They only listen to… a. Meghan Trainor. You probably haven’t heard of her. b. The sounds of the Seven Trumpets heralding the coming trials and tribulation of the Forsaken. c. Their “Viva la Vida” Pandora station. 3. If you accidentally walk in on them they’re… a. Scrapbooking. b. Writing upon their forehead and upon their right hand The Mark of the Beast. c. Jerking off to the Kim K sex tape.

4. Their side of the room is always… a. Spotless, and could you please put away your bong? Their mom is visiting this weekend. b. Littered with the rotting corpses of those whose names appear not in the Book of Life of the lamb and those who forsaketh God in the name of the False Prophet. c. Covered in empties.

5. You communicate with each other by… a. Leaving passive-aggressive sticky notes around the room reminding each other that “the trash needs to be taken out :) :) :)” b. Unsealing the Scrolls of the Lamb. c. Texting.

6. On the weekdays, they usually go to bed… a. At 9:30 and could you please turn off the lights? b. They never sleep, even though light hasn’t shone outside in forty-two months. c. Like, midnight maybe?

7. When you leave dishes in the sink… a. They put them on your bed. b. The tap water turns to blood. c. They ignore them.

If you chose mostly A… You are living with Lucifer and likely having your soul sucked out through your mouth while you sleep. Pray to God for deliverance and cry out to God, saying “Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.” If you chose mostly B… Just don’t study in there; the smell of sulfur can be distracting. If you chose mostly C… Don’t drink anything purple, should they offer it to you.

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Sup guys, it’s Dirty Matt. I’ve been noticing a bunch of likes on my Instagram posts lately with sum of u guys asking about my workout plan and stuff. Like dis dude here: “Weed_wizard_69: Woah Matt you’re looking jAcked! How did you get so big? Your like the kewlest bro i’ve ever seen, I want to get swole like u!” So being the good somarytan I am I put together this beast of plan. Check it out bros.

DIRTY MATT'S GUIDE TO GETTING YOLKED: 1. Show up to the gym in a tight bro tank, basketball shorts & aviators. Make sure to let out a primal grunt once you get through the door to let the other bros know papas back in town. 2. Make a bee line for the bench, this is your shrine, this is where the Broddha reached nirvana. If anybody’s using it, stare at them while snarling your teeth and flexing, they’ll leave. 3. Once you’ve taken ur seat pull out one of ur preworkout MuscleBeer 420 beverages. Shaken not stirred hahaha. Put that thing down like it’s a dog without legs. 4. Now stack up 95% of your max, loudly scratch your crotch and crank out a few of those bad boys while flailing your legs and making a train noise. 5. Once the warm up is over, go ahead and add your body weight in plates to the bar. This is your new max. If there aren’t enough weights, lift other people. 6. If you can bench this, ’gratz, bro you made it. If not, grunt for help and a fellow dude will help you out. Tell him you usually make this weight but you just had some ’nam flashbacks you’d rather forget. He’ll understand. 7. Head over to the dumbbell rack but not before hitting an Arnold pose in front of the receptionist and dropping a magnum condom out of your pocket. Leave it there. 8. Okay, now for your midworkout snack. Eat a 7 week meal supplement energy bar. Gigameal is alright but if ur dedicated to actually getting shreeded I recommend Atomic Food’s “Bazinga.” 9. Pump out like 50 reps of the heaviest weight in the gym. Use your whole body if you have to. Just lift it. 10. Urinate in the corner by the free weights to assert dominance and mark your territory. 11. Punch a hole through the door leading out of the gym and walk through it. 12. When you get home, masturbate 8 times to catalogs of GNC supplements, Shake Weight ads and/or German dominatrix porn. 13. Now you’re yolked. Don’t forget to like and subscribe and donate.

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Should You Text Her?

Start:

essage? Who sent the last m

Her

You When?

Is she into butt stuff?

Like two days ago?

Yes

“u up?”

Jesus, how many hay?ve you sent alread

Play it cool, yo

47 Fuck, man fuck It’s okay, we can fix this

Text her, “Are you into butt stuff?”

Yes

Is she dead? Nah, I saw her in Cafe Mac

Don’t worry; you’re in

No, she did a 180

Call the police

Maybe, not sure

Sorry bro; next time Text her to see if she’s dead

Text her, “Are you into butt stuff?”

You’ve got nothing to lose

Text her, “Are you into butt stuff?”

“Did you do the reading?”

Did you make eye contact?

Yes

Did you lick the clit?

Yeah bro, text her

What’d you say?

22 seconds ago

Idk

Did she respond?

Yes No