Volume 21
Spring 2020
Issue 1
The Hegemonocle
Loses its V-Card:
Hege Rings the Bell: Uh Oh
, Hege
Forgot
to Pull
Out:
A Case Study in Ineective Forms of Birth Control
THE MACALESTER
HEGEMONOCLE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 20, Issue 1 Spring 2020 The “Uh-Oh” Edition
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Maeghan Sullivan ’20 Zoe Berkovitz ’20
EDITORIAL Managing Editor *Autumn Campbell ’21 Head Writer Ben Townsend ’20 Treasurer Jared Jageler ‘22
DESIGN Head of Production *Lidija Namike ’21 Interim Head of Production Kirk Lobban ‘21
STAFF Austin Jesko ‘21 Ethan Shaw ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 *Finn Odum ‘21 Baxter Gordon ‘22
Julia Ricks ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘22 Aberdeen Morrow ‘22 Anina Peerson ‘23 Coat Rack ‘99
* On sabbatical
SHOUT OUTS Mike Bloomberg for totally not supporting our production in any way ever ;-) Dr. Rivera for being 4’ 11’’ Bri Ro for ditching Mac for Harvard Climate change for this mild winter Founders Day for slowing our production The Highlander for celebrating its demise with great deals Beyoncé Kagin for still existing? Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2020.
Letter from the Editors Dear readers, As we enter this new decade, let us inaugurate the first Hegemonocle issue of the 2020s with a prayer on your behalf:
pate th the foresight to partici wi s er ad re r ou s es bl , rd Lo use condoms sometimes in the global economy, to e?), and to follow the holy (Lifestyles or bust, am I rit eir uage Association May th word of the Modern Lang de . May they continue to hi reptilian brains be tamed they attend a cappella their class privilege. May m ard events with enthusias concerts and Program Bo d ar their earthly vices an and glee. May they forswe rd our Rosenberg embrace the love of the Lo in His final days.
We also want to take this opportunity to apologize in advance to incoming Macalester president, Dr. Suzanne Rivera. We at the Hegemonocle are committed to toppling authority of all types through mankind’s greatest weapons, biting satire and gross sex jokes. As such, we expect that Dr. Rivera will be faced in the coming years with the same abuse and bullying tactics from the Hege that forced President Rosenberg to finally throw in the towel. So, Dr. Rivera, we are sorry in advance. Really, really, kind of sorry, sometimes. Please don’t take away our money. Our budget already pales in comparison to The Mac Weekly’s snack budget.
Hugs and kisses, Zoe Berkovitz Maeghan Sullivan Editors-in-Chief
In regards to this issue’s theme, The Hege Loses it V-Card: The Hege Rings The Bell: Uh Oh The Hege Forgot To Pull Out: A Case Study In Ineffective Birth Control, you must be wondering “What the fuck was The Hegemonocle thinking when they choose this theme?” Well folks, we’d thought we’d show you the rejected themes we’ve had over the years, so you’d be thankful for this theme! •The Hegemonocle gets a DUI – “Too many vodka crans” • The Hege’s pee-pee is hard – “Hehe i took the little blue pill” • The Hege’s Christan Rock Album goes triple platinum –” JEEEESSSUUUSSS CCHRRIST LOOOVVVEEES YOOOOUUUuuuu” • The Chanter Edition -”SuBmIt tO ChAnTeR” • Bachelor in Duparadise – “Wait, we actually did this? When?” • The Hege invests in Blockbuster – “Now that was a huge mistake”
• The Hege gets fuckin JACKED – “Look at these prickly pecs! I’m on human growth hormone” • The Hege Endorses Marco Rubio – “America needs a true conservative, one who will abide by the constitution” • The Hege gets bought by Fox News –“damnit” • The Hege owns and operates a Baskin-Robbins Franchise –“Wait, why did we think this was funny?”
BLOOD DRIVE!
reasons why little baby macalester “students” pass out after giving blood 1. freaked out by bag o’ blood 2. no lollipop :( 3. realize blood left you just like everybody else 4. blood color NOT what you expected 5. nurse was mean 6. nurse was sexy 7. nurse reminded you of her 8. Blood Drive! 9. web md’d my symptoms 10. no cookies :(( 11. Showed up stoned, had blood drawn, forgot whether you already got your blood drawn, got back in line 12. stroke 13. needle fear 14. performance anxiety 15. You found out your blood type and realized that, based on your parents’ blood types, that it’s likely you were the child of an affair. 16. Erection
Ask The Hegemonocle
DA TIN
GA
DV IC
Dear Hege, My boyfriend is obsessed with the Great British Bake-Off. Like, to an insane degree. It has permeated every aspect of our relationship and has made me cry myself to sleep on multiple occasions. At first it started off pretty cute with us watching the show before we started going at it. Sometimes when we were feeling extra frisky we’d make pastries as we made love and he would tell me he’s “disappointed I have a soggy bottom”. The first two or three times it was fun, but there’s only so many macarons you can find lodged in your nether regions before you get a yeast infection and lose all interest. I started to sabotage our sex by forgetting to preheat the oven, but last week I walked in on him masturbating to a picture of Mary Berry’s berry pie. I’ve talked to him, told him that I
E
was sick of him forcing me to engage in his sick kink, but he refuses to listen. He says he and his fondant fetish are a package deal. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. - Baking Blues
Dear Baking Blues, Honestly, dump his ass. You’re better off without him. He isn’t treating you right, making you cry yourself to sleep. And honestly, it sounds by the way you sabotage your sex, you’re ready to move on. Be your own person! Believe me, when the time is right, you’ll find yourself someone who would never force you to engage in his sick kink!
Dear Hege,
Dear Hege,
I developed a crush on a professor my first year, and since then it has turned into an uncontrollable lust. Her academically-condescending tone and resting bitch face just gets me going like nothing else. The problem is, she is my advisor for my senior thesis. I no longer can bring myself to office hours because I am terrified I may act inappropriately. Last time I went, she told me ‘my supporting evidence was weak’, and let me tell you - so were my knees. It took all my willpower to not rip my pants off right then and there. I want her to fulfill all my sexual desires and bend me over the desk and spank me and tell me I’m a bad student and that I should consider careers outside my intended field... Obviously I have it bad… What can I do? - Wanna Boff the Prof
Help, I have been trapped in the boiler room of Old Main for 3 months now. My boyfriend and I were fooling around, and we thought it would be fun to fuck in a boiler room. All my attempts to contact security have been met with their scornful laughter. If only we knew our horny hubris would place us in such grave peril! Things have been bad. I had to eat him to survive. We had no choice. We drew straws and I… I… I killed him so I could live. I can’t see them but I know my hands and teeth are stained with his blood. They will never be clean again. I’ll never be clean again. If I make it out of here alive, I don’t know how I’ll live with myself knowing I killed and ate the man I loved. - Trapped in the Old Main Boiler Room Send Help
Dear Wanna Boff the Prof, Honestly, dump his ass. You’re better off without him. He isn’t treating you right, making you write your senior thesis. And honestly, it sounds by the way you no longer can bring yourself to office hours, you’re ready to move on. Be your own woman! Believe me, when the time is right, you’ll find yourself someone who would never fulfill all your sexual desires!
Dear Trapped in the Old Main Boiler Room Send Help, Honestly, dump his ass. You’re better off without him. He isn’t treating you right, making you trapped in the boiler room of Old Main. And honestly, it sounds by the way you ate him to survive, you’re ready to move on. Be your own woman! Believe me, when the time is right, you’ll find yourself someone who would never stain your hands and teeth with his blood!
Here at The Hegemonocle, we are experts on all things love-related. Collectively we have experiences from 7 relationships, 2 failed marriages, 80 minutes of intercourse, and 30 years of masturbation. The Hegemonocle is not to be held accountable if any of our advice leads to one or more of the parties involved becoming heartbroken, contracting a STI, or accidentally becoming the leader of a polyamorous cult.
No bang is an island, entire of itself; Every lay is a piece of the copulation, A part of old main
If a throb be washed away by the se(men), Ur penis is the less, As we� as if a magnum dong of thy bros Or if thine own weiner
Any bro’s bang hypes me, And therefore never suck to blow; Ask not for whom the sex be� to�s; it to�s for thee.
Sex Education at Maclester College
The Sexy Trainers
Charles G. Turck, beyond being rumored a regular attendent of campus orgies, was also purportedly a thirsty bottom looking for a dom daddy
Daddy Administration NOUN It’s just administration, but with everyone projecting their intimacy issues with their father onto them
Aftermath of the 1997 Backstreet Boys Kagin. Every single resident of Turck 2 died after what would come to be known as the Great Grinding Debaucle.
69
The Sexy Trainers were first brought into existence in 1946 by then-president of Macalester College, Charles Turck. However, back then, they hardly resembled what we know today. Instead called Sex-E trainers (the E standing for Enders), they were created to halt the rise in sucking, fucking, and other debauchery at Mac. Every night they would put on shows portraying the mortal sin of fornication, demonstrating the devil himself torturing horny students. Rather than curb the tide of hedonism, the show turned everyone the fuck on, causing campus-wide mass orgies, some rumored to even involve the founder - Turck - himself. These orgies lasted well into the 1960s. During the sexual revolution, the administration sought to give the Sex-E trainers a sex-positive spin, giving they name we know them by today - the Sexy Trainers. Instead of a BDSM-style punishment of sinners, their shows began celebrating the natural beauty of sex. The students rioted. They demanded to be treated like the naughty boys, girls, and enbys they were. But when Daddy Administration refused to punish them, the students formed satanic sex cults to fulfill their hedonistic desires. Then came the satanic panic of the 1990s. Unnerved by the satanic vibes of these underground sex cults, the Macalester Administration reformed the Sexy Trainers to an abstinence-only education program. Common activities for these trainers included forming protest lines around the bell, public burnings of dental dams, and the crucifiction of inconsiderate roommates and their partners - all to preserve the illusion everyone on campus was still a virgin. The program was a massive failure with on-campus pregnancies reaching an all-time-high following the collapse of the Soviet Union. This all changed on Founders’ Day 2005 when every member of administration had sex for the first time. Forever changed into kinder, sexier people, Administration reformed the Sexy Trainers into the sex-positive educators we know today.
The Hot & Heavy History of Macalester
Rumors About Macalester’s New President
• Sheʻs actually 4ʻ10 and 3/4 • Believes in the transformative power of a liberal arts education • 10-year plan is to make Mac a STEM college (Old Main to be renamed “Old-Rice”) • Invested in the Shadow app leading up to the Iowa caucus • Doesnʻt think e-sports are real sports • Clone of Board of Trustees Chairman, Jerry Crawford (‘71) • Plans to defund the Hegemonocle • Doesnʻt even, like, know me. Like, Iʻm my own fucking person. Gosh. • Biiiiig frolfer • Endorsed by the chanter AND the trads • Believes Pushball is for “lil pussy bitch boys”
This page has been inserted bc we apparently need this to be divisible by 4 Feel free to write any funny jokes on this Or join the hegemonocle Actually just do that Join the hegemonocle CC209 every thursday (except this one) @9pm We’re sorry :-(
The Hegemonocle Presents:
THE ENDORSEMENT
The United States is at a Crossroads. Only one candidate provides a bold vision for the future and the ability to unify a broken country. The United States is nearing its most consequential election since 1860. The Republican incumbent, Donald J. Trump, is a racist, sexist, xenophobic politican with no regard for America’s key tenants: truth, justice and democracy. Meanwhile, the Democrats are in turmoil, with bitter infighting shrouding any sense of clarity or rationality. With all this in mind, The Hegemoncle has looked for an independent candidate who provides the ideal attributes of a president: intelligence, moral clarity, an incredible four cheese blend, courage, and compassion. Guess what? We found one.
The Hegemonocle’s Choice for President
The Hegemoncle is proud to endorse Chuck E. Cheese of the PPT (Pizza Party Time) party. You must be wondering what compelled us to endorse an anamorphic mouse for president of the United States. Below we have listed our reasons for endorsing Mr. Cheese as the Commander in Chief: - Universally beloved icon - At 42 years old, he is young enough to connect with Millenials, and old enough to reach the Baby Boomers - His 600+ branch locations across the globe shows his successful track record as a businessmouse, making him an excellent choice to lead America to economic prosperity - His experience in Middle East foriegn policy (opening up new consulates in numerous gulf countries) will help bring stability to the Middle East and ease tensions with Iran - Can do some sick skateboarding tricks However, we would be remiss if we did not admit that we have concerns about Mr. Cheese’s history. - The “E” in Chuck E. Cheese stands for “Eradicate Social Security” - His affinity for pizza and soft drinks makes us question his commitment to promoting healthy lifestyles - Claims he is mouse, but is actually a rat - His coziness with Big Video Game conflicts with his claims that he will dismantle wall street
- I saw him inject meth up his ass in a CVS parking lot
Cafe Mac’s Secret Menu Do you constantly find yourself bored of eating the same old cheesy eggs and curry at Cafe Mac? Well look no further! The Hege is here to give you some of the secret menu items that Bon Appetit doesn’t want YOU to know about! LIMITED EDITION: Ask for the Rosenberg Special: This secret menu item calls Brian Rosenberg to your table at Cafe Mac, where he cuts up your food and feeds it to you. It’s gonna cost extra if you want him to make train or airplane noises!
Get your burger done “Bun Style”:
Tired of all that pesky protein in your burger? Well look no further! At the Grille, ask for your burger done “Bun Style”, for a savory sliver of aire sandwiched between a bun!
Ask for the “Cheesy Egg Dairy Supreme”:
Do you have weak bones? Then you probably aren’t getting the calcium you need! At breakfast, ask for the cheesy eggs with the dairy supreme, and watch as they pour a generous portion of soft serve ice cream on top of your cheesy eggs and then douse it all with milk! If you’re REALLY lucky, they might just add a slice of pizza on top.
Sauce with a Side of Red Sauce:
Do you love Cafe Mac pasta, but are on a low carb, no carb diet? Oh boy, do we have the solution for you! Just go up to the pasta station and ask for the sauce with extra sauce on the side! Be careful, though: not every employee knows this secret trick, so beware.
Ode to the Residence Hall Bathtubs Who are you for? There’s not an anti-slip mat for the tub floor You lack handles to grab And there’s no place to sit, not even a slab Anything with a legitimate function, you have quit But did you ever have any of it? Were you initially for disabled students? Did Macalester used to approach campus accessibility with prudence? You are oh so gross and you are so so icky And how the fuck is your floor always so goddamn sticky? When your spout is turned on, the ceiling starts to shake The following screeching of your rotten pipes gives me a cluster headache The mold of your grout invades my dreams And thinking of your clogged drain wakes me with screams Your presence on the floor makes everyone deeply concerned It’s a punishment that no paying resident could have possibly earned Now, why do only women’s bathrooms have you? Do men and non-binary folk not enjoy a casual soak in mildew? You take up the space of two full showers So how many could your slimy stall harbour during the later hours? Does BriRo hold a fight club within your grey walls? Is that why he’s leaving? He couldn’t follow fight club protocols? This was supposed to be an ode to your stained porcelain character But upon further thought, there’s little to celebrate and more to horrify this fed-up narrator because the heating in her dorm breaks every other week and she can’t even take a lukewarm shower in a regular stall because
NO ONE WANTS TO SHOWER IN A CLOGGED BATHTUB AND SHE’S HONESTLY HAD ENOUGH BECAUSE FOR 70 GRAND A YEAR I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO STAND IN A BATHTUB WHEN ALL THE SHOWERS ARE FULL AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTE -These small grievances are even the most distressing part All residents remain divided over an issue that’s been taken to heart Each side of this moral impasse has serious implications It’s those who think it’s an abomination to bathe in you VS. those who are the abominations
My name is Ritchie. I put things in the Cafe Mac Panini Press. • My curry • Jelly and cream cheese english muffic • Socks soaked in chocolate almond milk • Potato Leek Ham Soup • All the black pepper • Ben from admissions • Snow • Carhartt beanie snatched off the head of Garrett • Composed salads • Bernard Sanders and Mayor Bloomber • Crusted tilapia • International Students • Two slices of bread. • Plate • Dropped weave • I’m British • You can’t stop me • I will win the Democratic nomination for President • Resistance is futile • The panini press is gone as a direct results of my actions • I’m british
THE HEGEMONOCLE Administration Announces Physical Bills of “Mac Money” Following “The Great Coffee-Cart Sushi Inflation Crisis of 2019,” the Macalester administration is taking decisive action to get students’ culinary currency back to stability. Chairman of the Board of Trustees, Jerry Crawford, announced on Thursday that the school will be rolling out physical bills of Mac Money. “We finna bouta cash out,” he exclaimed, when asked for comment. According to bystanders, following the announcement, President Brian Rosenberg was seen “going full Scrooge McDuck on these broke hoes,” swimming joyously in millions of bills hoarded in his office. Much to Crawford’s chagrin, a black market for the currency has already proliferated. The Students Accounts office is accepting $50 of Mac Money in exchange for $1 off tuition. And my weed dealer, Jeff, is now asking me to pay in Mac Money. (Jeff, if you see this, please text me back) As a result of The Mac Weekly’s complete financial collapse, The Hegemonocle has obtained exclusive previews of the currency prior to its mass printing this weekend. (see across) The currency denominations are as follows: $1 Marlon James $5 Walter Mondale $10 Jabari $20 Edward Duffield Neill $50 Jeff, your first-year roommate $100 Bad Bad Hats $884,000,000 The Brian C. Rosenberg Commemorative “Endowment” Bill
See related story:
Macalester administration issues apology for founder Neil on $20 Mac Money $20 note to be renamed “Humanities Bill”
how will your semester go? what year are you?
junior
sophomore
first year
do you have a crush on one of your professors? what kind of sign are you?
do you smoke weed? yes
fire
actually no (still yes)
yes
favorite band? the wiggles third eye blind
egg?
yes
no but really yes
senior
one direction bts
no
does michael cera fuck?
water
no
pick a number
earth
best thing in cafe mac?
air
nacho bar
soft serve
all day breakfast
i dont go there. i live ~off campus~
kylie
straight vibing, all semester melting snow will fall on your head and ruins your hair. many times.
briro takes you with him to harvard
favorite kardashian
420 7
kim
don’t know don’t care
you slip and fall in cafe mac, hitting your head on the counter. everyone laughs. you have a concussion.
yes
do you fuck?
69
twilight stan? khloe
yes
yes
bitch idk
no
you finally get the chance to ring the bell. you cannot reach it. you meet the love of your life. they are 6 in. tall and love trash. they are a squrrel.
38 hehe sexy times
i say i do... no i luv jesus
yes ;)
you get locked in jwall over night and live off coffee cart crumbs michael cera comes and takes you away from this frozen wasteland. you have a beautiful life together.
J im at t h e Gy g i m B You walked into the public locker rooms of the Leonard Center after a good pump in the gym. As you rounded the corner to the changing area you saw me, plunging a syringe into my toned gluteus maximus. “On a cycle?” you scoffed, “I’m all natural” you said as you flexed your twiggy arms trying to dismiss my herculean physique. But what you don’t know is, I don’t want to take anabolic steroids. Being this ripped, this beautiful, is a byproduct of a condition I’ve been dealing with for much of my adult life. As a child I was as normal as the next. At recess I would play and frolic with th other kids. But as my tween years began it became obvious I wasn’t like the rest. By the time I was 14 my balls were the size of a grapefruit, each. No longer could I play sports like the rest of the kids. I had to use a sling to stop them from tearing with every step I made. Doctors said I was a perfectly healthy teen who had been blessed and I would simply have to live with them. But I could no longer cope with being called Big Ball Jim in the halls of high school. My family tried everything: rubbing holy water on them, having them exorcised, and traveling to foriegn countries with more lax cosmetic surgery laws to no avail. The solution only came to me after binge watching documentaries using Netflix’s autoplay feature. It was in “Bigger, Stronger, Faster” that I learned one of the side effects of anabolic steroid use, besides becoming a god, was decreased testicular size due to the body no longer needing to produce testosterone. At last the burden of my huge testes had literally been lifted off my shoulders and neck. I can walk around with confidence in being Slightly-Larger-Than-Average-Balls Jim. So next time you judge someone for partaking in something you hold yourself above, think about me, and my shriveled dates.
Hi, it’s us again... actually, it’s you, from the future we just wanted to say hi. and ask if you wanted to... you know I mean this might be your only chance to kiss yourself ......? This is kinda awkward... huh? anyways join hege, thursdays @ 9 on the CW.... I mean in the CC
Breaking News: Brian Rosenberg Introduces New Climate Change Initiative
The new decade has arrived, and so has the deadline for Macalester’s goal of becoming zero-waste. Unfortunately, much like my dreams in life, it appears this goal will remain unfulfilled. To make matters worse, the 2025 deadline for carbon neutrality is right around the corner and no major progress is being made. With the board of trustees’ fossil fuel fetish, many are questioning the college’s commitment to going green. To address these concerns, president Brian Rosenberg introduced a new set of goals: Carbon-Neutral by the Time of the Inevitable Heat-Death of the Universe (Year Infinity, More or Less). “We recognize our failure to act in the interests of the Earth,” Rosenberg stated in his address to the college, “And isn’t that recognition enough? I mean, we absolutely could do more, but that sounds hard. We’re just gonna do this instead.” When asked for a statement about divestment, Rosenberg responded “See, what you hippies don’t understand is we’re all just gonna die anyways. We bought back all the stocks we ‘divested’ from because, guess what asswipes? We aren’t going to face the consequences of our actions. You are. The future generations are. But my generation? My generation will die first, and we will have been afforded a full life mostly free of climate strife. Sucks, but that’s just how the world works, sweaty.” The best part of the plan, Rosenberg reports, is that they are already way ahead of schedule. “Our deadline is literally the end of all matter, so Macalester should be long dead by that point. The best news is we are approaching the point of no return for climate change, so all humanity should perish within the century. No humans means no emissions. There. Are you fucking happy now?” When questioned about, you know, the entirety of humanity needing to die under this plan, Rosenberg responded “Sure it sucks that everyone has to die. But what a lot of this younger generation doesn’t get is saving the world requires sacrifice. Which is why we’re doing nothing. It’s up to y’all to just fucking deal with the world being slowly destroyed.” At the end of the speech, Rosenberg refused to answer any questions and just dropped the microphone. Truly a brave and magnanimous visionary, paving a pathway to the future made of apathy and atrophy.
Before accepting his prestigious offer at Harvard, President Brian Rosenberg had a slew of lucrative post presidential offers. Here are some o f our favorites: • Waitress • Research assistant • Gap Year • Internship @ Local Non-Profit • Potential First-Year • Vice-president of Macalester college • Donor at a sperm bank: Create hundreds of macalester babies that can get in on legacy status • Dress up as assistant to Mac president Mrs. Doubtfire-style. Tell new president about how you miss the good ol’ days with the former president, etc. • Donate plasma • Sell feet pics • OnlyFans • Chuck E. Cheese? • Cryogenic freeze • Mac the Scot • Cafe Mac dishwasher • Charles Dickens scholar... again • Bachelorette contestant • Political consultant for Joseph R. Biden, Jr. • Whatever Rivera used to do
The Reviews are In! Critics are calling the latest edition of The Hegemonocle: Hege Loses its V-Card: Hege Rings the Bell: Uh-oh Hege Forgot to Pull Out: A Case Study in Ineffective Forms of Birth Control...
“...barely a theme”
-Brian Rosenberg
“...truly and utterly a terrible idea. Who comes up with this shit?” -Max the Cat “...as educational as it is entertaining. That is, to say, not at all.” -Cheryll Doucette “...oh, Umm, is this what you do with your free time? It’s ummm… go show your father”
-Our mothers
“...you are a disappointment to me and you are the reason your mother and I are getting a divorce” -Our fathers “...So good! I’m so proud of you, son/daughter/child. Here, let’s go get ice cream and throw around the old pig-skin to celebrate.” -The version of our fathers we make up in our heads to stop ourselves from crying ourselves to sleep every night.