Volume 21 Issue 4 - "Quarantine" Edition

volume 21

spring 2020

the hegemonocle presents

briro’s

tales from the quarantine

a farewell to the 16th president of macalester college

issue 2

The MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First…. And now Last…. Humor Magazine

Volume 21, Issue 4

Spring 2020 (or year ONE of the Pandemic) Quarantine Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Maeghan Sullivan​ ‘​ ​20 Zoe Berkovitz ​‘​ ​20

Managing Editor Autumn Campbell ‘21

Head Writer Ben Townsend ‘​ ​ ​20

Treasurer/Social Media Influencer Jared Jagler ‘​ ​ ​22

DESIGN Head of production Kirk Lobban ​‘​ ​21

STAFF Finn Odum ​‘​ ​21 Kate Sibla​‘​ ​22 Lidija namike ​‘​ ​21 Baxter Gordon ​‘​ ​22 Austin Jesko​‘​ ​21 Rennie Dicarlo ‘​ ​ ​22 Ethan shaw and his mum ​‘​ ​21 Niko Bjork ‘​ ​ ​22 Julia Ricks ‘​ ​ ​22 Coat rack ‘99

SHOUT OUTS

Class of 2020 ​-are we even graduating if graduation is over zoom?

The Hegemonocle - for continuing to produce shitty work during a shitty time To zoom for stealing our data MCSG for cutting our budget in​ ​half First Years- it’s not usually like this, we promise

Founders ​: Mikey Freedman ‘​ 1​ 1 and Danny Rocklin ‘​ 1​ 1

Follow us on instagram and twitter:​

​@hegemonocle​ ​or email ​Hegemonocle@gmail.com

Dear Readers, I am writing this from the deepest depths of hell, my room.​ The Hegemonocle has been through plenty of struggles in this past year...but let me tell you, this takes the cake. We can’t even call up daddy briro because, in fact, there is no more daddy briro to call. We’ve been left without our trust fund, and most importantly, a proper goodbye :’(.

But seriously, I don’t know what to write about. I’ve declared this entire situation entirely unfunny. Instead, I’ve created an essential bucket list for the class of 2020 to complete upon graduation: ❏ Make your own PPE out of dryer sheets and toilet paper ❏ Get yelled at by the macalester police for ringing the bell because campus is closed ❏ Buy five pounds of modeling clay to create a sculpture of Brian C. Rosenberg for your senior class gift ❏ Climb to the top of the Carnegie fire escape, just to be quirky and also scared because you fear heights ❏ Try to get a parent off of your class zoom call even though they “want to learn, too” ❏ Have a parent say “fuck the mic’s on” during your capstone ❏ Zoom sex ;-) ❏ Google hangouts sex ;-) ❏ Real life sex ❏ Smoke weed on the weedian “one last time” ❏ Wake up in a cold sweat knowing you’ll never eat at cafe mac again ❏ Have a stress dream about the capstone you already wrote Well, there you have it!​ All​ of the must-do’s before graduation slaps us all in the ass like a newborn baby. I’m gonna miss this place ... this place being any place but my childhood bedroom.

Like the great Dr. Seuss once said “don’t cry because it’s over, cry because quarantine sucks and you miss your small private liberal arts college located in the vibrant city of St. Paul, MN.” Much <3, Maeghan Sullivan ‘20 Zoe Berkovitz ‘20 Hege Quarantine Staff ‘20

I see you, You think you’re so fucking clever , don’t you?

But I see you. An d I see what you’ ve done.

And you were so close to getting away with it too.

But you got slop py, Brian. You ma de mistakes.

And now the whol e fucking world will know That you, Brian Clifford Rosenber g, Created COVID-19 .

But you wanted to get caught didn’t you, Brian?

That’s why you ma de the virus an anagram of your And 19? You’re th name. e nineteenth pres ident of Mac. It was so obviou s.

And yet you got away with it...

Until now.

See you got slop py.

See, as of 4/23/2 020 Minnesota ha s 2,721 confirme of COVID-19. d cases And what’s 2,721 minus 739 equal?

That’s right. 19 82 - The year yo u began your acad career as an adju emic nct assistant pr ofessor of humani The Cooper Union ties at in New York City 1 But why Brian?

What do you have to gain from star ting a global pa Unless… ndemic?

Of course.

You knew this wa s going to be yo ur farewell edit You knew you were ion. going to be fuck ing torn apart.

You knew we woul d call you names Like Brian Pees-I n-His-Pants-enbe rg (That’s being wo rkshopped, copyri ght Hegemonocle, Well too bad Bria 2020) n.

I’m going to tell them. Tell them all!

Goodbye Bor-ian Is-Dumb-enberg (Also being work shopped plz don’ t steal).

1

https://en.wikip

edia.org/wiki/Br

ian_C._Rosenberg

Adobe Photoshop for Dummies Arts pg. 2

What in god’s name will I do without print media?

Opinon pg. 8

Mac Weekly riot during quarantine???

NOT CLICKBAIT pg. 20

EEEE i’m not bad at InDesign YOUR YOU’RE bad at InDesign

follow @hegemocle on twitter and tiktok for fortnite funnies

Deported Study Abroad Students More Annoying Than Ever Last Saturday, a shocking new report indicated that the Spring 2020 Study Away students are at least 70% more likely to be pretentious assholes when they return in the fall. The report was released by some poor Psych schmuck looking for an for an easy capstone topic, and included interviews with a staggering seven study away returnees.

According to the author, many of the disappointed students are attempting to relive their study abroad experiences while quarantined in their homes. This includes changing their Zoom background to be their country’s most famous monument and speaking exclusively in a broken version of whatever language they were studying. While that’s only a little endearing, the author fears the students will carry out this behavior into the fall semester.

“You think that German Studies major who’s probably definitely named Emerson was annoying?”, [REDACTED] said from an undisclosed location abroad. “Imagine how he’s going to be now that he was actually in Germany for like, two weeks. Everything he’ll say will be nihilistic and worse than your crit theory professor. I just Kant stand the thought of it.”

The alleged German Studies student refused to comment on the accusation. He declined our Zoom call invite and then tweeted mean things about us until we cried.

Other students are already self-reporting obnoxious behavior from their deported friends.

One distressed junior wrote about her partner, who’d returned from France with a beret and a sudden addiction to cigarettes.

“He’s insisting that I call him ‘Guy’ instead of his real name. All he does is talk about the Louvre and the tragedy of Notre Dame! He was there for like, 16 days. How did he have enough time to attach himself to a fucking church that burned down a year ago?*” Study Away students aren’t just bemoaning the loss of their romanticized European countries. The report also quoted frustrated students who’d returned from countries in political turmoil.

After learning about Fall 2019 students who were moved due to political tensions, this semester’s group was disappointed they couldn’t co-opt another culture’s movement. According to a white male who spent a single week in an unnamed “developing” country, “How am I supposed to have my Mac Moment if I can’t take pictures of myself with impoverished children?”

The report concludes that the students will form an identity collective for Study Abroad Rejected Students (SARS). We predict the Legislative Board will shoot it down after Guy and the Emmerson do nothing but quote philosophers at them for 30 minutes.

By Havid Dume Real Human Man

* We here at the Mac Weekly Hegemoncle would like to acknowledge that we do care about Notre Dame, and are sad that it burned down like a year ago. We are definitely saying this on our own accord, and not because there’s a deported study away student holding a gun to our heads and threatening to shove baguettes down our throats until we retract the comment.

Hegemonocle Fashion

Quizes

News

Videos

The 5 Haircuts You’ll Try During Quarantine!

1. The Wild Mane

You meant to get a haircut before the apocalypse quarantine, but now… oops.

But there’s something kinda fun about letting your hair grow freely. When this is all over you can see yourself walking on the beach, hair blowing in the wind.

You’ll be sexy, beautiful, mysterious.

Sure it’s high maintenance, and currently it doesn’t look too fancy. But eventually this has to look good… right?

2. Something Fun You’ve always wanted to try bangs, but never had a messy breakup to blame them on. But now you have this messy breakup with the everyday schedule of going to campus which was your only anchor with feeling human! Plus, you can always shave it all off if you hate it. Pull up a chair, your favorite pair of scissors, and a nice, easy tutorial on youtube. It’s time to reinvent yourself!

Wait, what did they do there? Was I not supposed to cut all this off???

3. Personal Style Who even wants the same hairstyle as SamDoesHair27? Plus they have a totally different head shape. Yeah! You didn’t make a mistake! SamDoesHair27 did! Time to make a hairstyle that is all yours! You’re a trendsetter, an absolute goddamn fashionista. When you’re done, SamDoesHair27 will be so sad that they have a degree in cosmetology and 10 years practice of cutting hair and couldn’t even APPROACH your level of ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS… Oh god… no… no… NO

4. SHAVE IT ALL OFF This is fine. This is great. Hell this is what you wanted to try all along isn’t it?!

After all, why would you have told yourself you can just shave it all off if you hate the hairstyle if you didn’t really mean it?! Maybe this is what you wanted all along, and that’s why you tried a hairstyle that could never suit you! oH gOD My haiR,,,

5. HATS. YOU WEAR HATS NOW.

WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? I DON’T WANNA BE THAT PERSON WHO WEARS HATS ALL THE TIME! I CAN’T GO TO MY ZOOM MEETING, THEY’LL SEE MY HAT AND KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE! THEY’LL SEE THROUGH THE VENEER AND PEER RIGHT INTO MY SOUL AND SEE MY SINS! REPENT! I. MUST. REPENT!

This or that HEGEMONOCLE

Dunn Bros

EDITION

Caribou Coffee

Scotty's

The Atrium

Turck Hall

Dupre Hall

your most awkward

off campus basement

professor's office

with sweatiest walls

First Year Roommate

The light rail at midnight

First Year Girlfriend

The weedian on a monday

Crippling phone

Crippling nicotine

addiction

addiction

pandemic The Mac Weekly Hamm's internship

A somehow larger homework load

Hegemonocle ham psych fuck yo internship

alone in your

alone in your

apartment

childhood twin bed

Are you tired of the same, untimely pop hits about “love” and “relationships”? Are you looking for hip “bangers” for the pandemic times?

Well hold onto your asses and wait no longer!

Get ready for

Now That’s What I Call COVID-19!

The makers of Kidz Bop™ and the #2 pop hit Yummy bring you a boppin’ collection of new songs, all about the current epidemic!

These WHOLLY ORIGINAL and DEFINITELY NOT STOLEN songs are all about COVID-19. Play them for your friends! Play them for your mom. Play them over Zoom for your capstone class when you want to leave early!

We have hits from all genres. Love pop from the early 2010’s? Boy, do we got some!

Zoom Romance I want your lovin’ but not your disease / you and me could write a Zoom romance I’ll call you up at a quarter past ten / You and me could write a Zoom romance Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh / Caught in a Zoom Romance Or try a more recent bop, written definitely by us!

Closer So baby don’t get closer, please get back into your rover / you should really disinfect it Wear the mask that your mom made you / Pull the wipes out of the middle of the Lysol that you stole / From your roommate back in Saint Paul / Please just do not give me COVID Want to relive your favorite mid-2000 emo vibes? Try this educational jam!

Somebody Told Me Somebody told me / if you have Corona / and you drink salt water, it washes the virus out of your body / now I’m not a doctor / but that doesn’t sound right / Flatten the / FLATTEN THE CUUURVE That not doing it for you? Hopefully this country/hip-hop remix will amuse you!

I think!

COVID Road Yeah, I’m gonna wear my mask on the COVID road / I’m gonna cry, ‘cause this joke’s not good I’m gonna wear my mask on the COVID road / I’m gonna make Jared write the jokes instead

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 11:34 am,

Amour du Quarantine

Tuesday

A free-form poem by

You send a message to my Macalester email Subject line: â&#x20AC;&#x153;u up?â&#x20AC;?

no text body.

Of course not, baby, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m on my ďŹ rst depression nap of the day

Just for you I cut it short Late enough to miss my zoom lectureâ&#x20AC;Ś But never too late for you I reply to your email

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yea, u? ;)â&#x20AC;?

Wake up at 3:41 PM

Oh God, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m such a dumbass

Of course youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re up, baby. And why the hell did I send a winky face?

I spiral and head into the second depression nap of the day.

I wake up.

Sandwiched between 20 emails from my professor.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;RE: RE: u up?â&#x20AC;?

All thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inside is a Zoom link for call here in 30 minutes.

My heart soaring, I change into my least dirty pair of sweatpants, and prepare for our call.

There you are

Beautiful, I can hardly tell you havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t showered in weeks. And the haircut you gave yourself only barely detracts from your beauty.

Maybe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the fact Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m really lonely. Or that porn hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really been doing it for me lately,

But I must profess my feelings to you!

I begin baring my soul to you.

You interupt

A single tear is shed.

I hope

I pray!

My voice wavers with emotion.

To tell me you feel the same

You tell me my mic is muted.

I unmute, and begin again.

Hold on... my momâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s calling Hello? Hi mom... What? Oh thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s great news, uh mom can Iâ&#x20AC;Ś ohâ&#x20AC;Ś uh huhâ&#x20AC;Ś oh, well tell Aunt Joan I say congratulations. Uh momâ&#x20AC;Ś yeahâ&#x20AC;Ś mom, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m in the middle of some homeworkâ&#x20AC;Ś yeah for chemistryâ&#x20AC;Ś yeah, can I call you back later? Uh huhâ&#x20AC;Ś okâ&#x20AC;Ś yeah mom, I love you tooâ&#x20AC;Ś yeahâ&#x20AC;Ś bye

Sorry â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;bout that baby.

My Uncle Henry just died. and even though he was a horriďŹ c person his death combined with the pandemic is making me contemplate my own mortality.

We hang up.

Can we do this another time?

My heart aďŹ&#x201A;utter from that 5 minute Zoom call I masturbate vigorously

And I begin the third depression nap of the day

These times of quarantine have left many of our incoming Mac students locked up at home and unsure of what the future holds. In order to lift their spirits, Mac Admissions made the mistake of teaming up with the Hegemoncle for a new promotional campaign. Of all the useless promotional posters they could’ve bullshitted, this was what they came up with:

The Six Coolest Dads You’ll Meet at Mac The (D)advisor • Either wants the best for you or wants to use your academic success for his own gain • Definitely lets you cry in his office • Sometimes lacks tact like that time he called you into his office and told you that your Mac Weekly opinion article didn’t make sense and made you CRY and you sTILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WAS NECESSARY, JEREMY • Cool Dad Cool, Young Professor • Relatable in an awkward but endearing way • The button down says straight, but the cuffed jeans scream bisexual • Jokes about the word d*ddy but only in the context of Freud • Stepdad Dad-partment’s Professor Emeritus • Unironically enjoys the feel of leather bound books • Keeps a bottle of scotch on the top left shelf in his office • Will give you scotch if you let him tell you about his time in the war • Grand...Dad?

Favorite Bon App Father Figure • May or may not have let you slip into Cafe Macalester just to “see your friends” • Gives you a hefty serving of cheesy eggs • Would wear a Kiss the Cook apron if he was allowed • Pops President Brian Rosen-Dad • Communicates only in movie quotes • Doesn’t get why his kids don’t call him d*ddy anymore • Leaving you for someone else the way your real dad left you for his second family in Tacoma • “Cool” Dad

“Visiting” Professor Who’s Been Here for 5 Years • Quotes philosophers but makes it sound cool • Definitely doesn’t awaken your latent electra complex • Definitely also wasn’t the person who explained to you what an electra complex was • D*ddy

Social distancing outside the Twin Cities? Stranded in your childhood home this Spring? Here’s a list of the bullshit your empty nester parents are likely to pull:

» » » » » » » » » » » » » »

Asking about your plans everyday even though it’s a pandemic and all you do all day is zoom classes and sit silently in an empty bathtub contemplating your uncertain future.

Convert your playroom into a “yoga studio” Blast a fast and furious movie during your online class Comment, “wow you came out of your cave” every time you leave your room.

Renovate the house, literally taking a sledgehammer to the foundation of your childhood home.

Watching the parental affection you yearn for be redirected to a small dog.

Insist you watch the Lego Batman movie with them for the fifth time because “it’s just so damn funny!”

Make you worried yet grateful you can’t hear them loudly make love anymore Stuff the kitchen drawers with the most niche appliances possible. I mean why the fuck do we need a ‘zucchini tickler’?

Eat all the GODDAMN GRAPES you RISKED YOUR LIFE going to the store for.

Play the Dave Matthews Band incessantly so your misery has a fitting soundtrack Discuss worst-case hypothetical scenarios of your future Forwarding you info about online classes even though you have 10+ extensions in your current classes.

Decide to divorce after years of loud arguments and countless silent meals

Effects of the “Stay at home MN” Initiatives: • Dogs are now 9000% more swole • Lima beans saw a dramatic increase in sales, but no increase in household consumption • Levels of antidepressants consummed up by 55% as the population realized that therapy shouldn’t be held over zoom • Jared learns Tiktok dances, Hegemoncle social media goes viral • Follow us @hegemonocle on instagram and twitter • First years now all share something other than chlamydia • Most residents are now used to that one couple having really loud sex • Extroverts: Devastated, Introverts: Unaffected • Austin got some serious levels on runescape • Mastered animal crossing • Got all of the first years to finally fucking leave campus • Neil’s Humanities’ ghost now haunts campus • Finn is now 77% thirstier for non-existant authority figures • Campus squirrels thinner than ever

Katie J. Smith-Jones-Bakersonski May 4 at 9:40 PM

During the quarantine I’m seeing a lot of people changing up their style. Cutting their own hair, wearing fun clothes that otherwise they wouldn’t wear, that kind of basic shit. But me? I’m reinventing my whole self.

That’s right, jerks. Next time you see me, you won’t be able to recognize me. Gone will be the days of sitting in the back of the classroom, staying quiet. This new me will speak up in class, pick fights. And then as soon as someone disagrees with this new me? I’ll start crying. And new me will not stop. New me will go to cry in the restroom, come back, and as soon as I make eye contact with the teacher, get ready for those waterworks. Cuz that’s just how new me rolls. Can’t deal with it?

Well too bad.

Yeah, I’m trying new clothes too. Sweatpants and hoodies are a thing of the past.

New me will strut to class wearing a dress, overalls, whatever strikes my fancy.

New me doesn’t give a fuck what you think. That is, of course until someone says something positive but there was something about their tone of voice or something that made me feel like it wasn’t genuine and now I’m noticing the way people are looking at you and oh god this was a mistake. Then it’s fucking cryingin-a-hoody-time, babey.

No longer will the 3rd floor of the library be my hangout of choice. Hell no. This new me is totally an idea lab kinda gal. That is until I discover it fucking sucks working in the idea lab. Then it’s back to the 3rd floor. Will I ever return to the idea lab? Who’s to say - new me is mysterious like that. But the answer is no. I cried on my way out. It’s too awkward now.

And guess what? New me, new major. Say adios to Ms. Spanish major and say hola to Ms. Latin-American Studies. And that decision is super impulsive, because new me isn’t scared of mixing things up. Yeah, I only contemplated this for a year now.

New me’s name’s gonna be Kale. Yeah, like the leafy green vegetable. Got a problem with it? Sucks to hear, because when the teacher calls for Katie, she’s gonna get corrected. Uh, ma’am, it’s motherfucking Kale now. Will I regret that decision?

Uh, of fucking course. Will I immediately drop those classes and cut off contact with any classmates who heard me say my name is Kale? You can fucking bet on it.

So adios old me, see you when my radical new self-concept inevitably collapses and we’re back to the old norm.

Liked by Katie’s Mom and 0 others...

This is what the cover of this issue might’ve looked like if it wasn’t for FUCKING COVID-19

l l e w Fare From Mac

Goodb ye Bria n

!

Thank yo target f u for being an or all o ur joke easy s!

Joking as on surv ide, congrats iving o ur cons abuse. tant Even th ou massiv ely defu gh you’ve nded u still app s, we reciate your ti the col me wit lege h See you n The He ever, gemon ocle

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