Volume 19, Issue 1 - The Hege #askformoney Issue

THE HEGE #ASKSFORMONEY ISSUE Volume 19 Issue 1

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The Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 19, Issue 1 Fall 2018 The Hege #asksformoney Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Edward Taketomo ’19 Sophie Hannauer ’19

EDITORIAL Managing Editor *Maeghan Sullivan ’20 Head Writer Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19 Radio Editors Zoe Berkovitz '20 Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN Head of Production Will Milch ’19 Neck of Production Lidija Namike ‘21

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Justin Chen ‘19 Ian Gorrell-Brown ‘19 Erik Knisely ‘19 Adam Rogowski ’19 Jacob Trout ‘19

Isaac Ward ‘19 Ailsa Burke ‘21 Melanie Campana-Gladstone ‘21 Autumn Campbell ‘21 Shannon Dohr ‘21 Abby Hinds ‘21

Austin Jesko ‘21 Jordan Schwed ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Baxter Gordon ‘22 Jared Jageler ‘22

Sophia Vischer ‘22 Sy Shimberg ‘22 George Steinke ‘22

* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS Backpack police of Cafe Mac, thank you for your service Harem pants with elephants on them Annual 1% off coupon at the Highlander First years who swipe upperclassmen into Cafe Mac Scotty's for being open for dinner Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu

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@hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2018.

FROM THE FUNDRAISING DIRECTORS Dear Macalester Community, In this, our inaugural issue of the 2018-2019 year, we are proud to announce the start of our fundraising campaign, the Hegemonocle Asks for Money. Campus humor of this caliber doesn’t come cheap, and student org budget cuts mean that we might have to start printing on dorm toilet paper. (We know that you’re already using The Mac Weekly to wipe your ass, but at least one campus publication needs to remain pristine.)

In addition to lining the pockets of the co-editors, *cough*, excuse me, what we meant to say was offsetting printing costs, money raised will go towards changing the big letters on the Institute of Global Citizenship to 12 point Times New Roman. It’s time to end unrealistic font expectations on this campus. Our goals also involve building the Olin-Rice Tub, where you can have a relaxing soak while someone tears your resume to shreds. We will also be expanding the services of the CDC in Kagin to include disease control and prevention.

Most importantly, we want to make Macalester the best university in the world. You heard that right: Macalester University. We are excited to announce our new graduate programs, to be housed in the new Theatre and Dance building. (Sorry Theatre and Dance, maybe next renovation?) Didn’t get enough of the Macalester bubble? Missed your chance at the Dupringle lifestyle? Love the Cafe Mac cuisine? Well you’re in luck!

Four more years! Four more years! Areas of study will include Median Studies: Statistical Measures of Center and the Spatial Elements of Illicit Substance Consumption (MSCS and Geography) and Movers and Shakers: Kagin Dances as a Manifestation of Socially Constructed Movement of Mind and Body (Sociology and Dance).

We are excited to announce that we have raised exactly $0.69 of our $1,000,000,420 goal. (This exclusively was raised by small donors - the people who leave change in their pockets when they do laundry in the Wallace basement.) Only you, the readers of this beloved campus publication, can help us reach our goal. We know you’re all saving money anyway since laundry is free now. So there’s really no excuse.

Every little bit helps. But bigger bits help more. We accept cash or Venmo. #heymac #asksformoney #macalesterhegemonocle Sincerely yours,

Sophie Hannauer ‘19 Edward Taketomo ‘19

Fundraising Directors

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The Macalester Moment a conversation with President Brian Rosenberg

This fall, Macalester College President Brian Rosenberg announced the launch of the public phase of a new fundraising initiative, the Macalester Moment. Danai Gurira ’01 coined the phrase in her 2016 commencement address: “The Macalester Moment is that single moment of realization and self-discovery that may stay with you for the rest of your life. It may just define who you go on to become and what you go on to contribute—if you let it.”

“It was pretty late at night, and things started to get a little hot and heavy, pardon my French. Then, something started to happen.”

The Hegemonocle sat down with President Rosenberg to hear about his first Macalester Moment back in his college years.

“I never attended Macalester, but I remember my first Macalester Moment like it was yesterday. It was a chilly Friday night in the fall of ’48. I was hanging out with a new friend, Sasha, an exchange student from Czechoslovakia. She was telling me all about life during the war, and I was telling her all about the merits of cross-cultural exchange and internationalism. We were having a really great time.

It was pretty late at night, and things started getting a little hot and heavy, pardon my French.

Then, something started to happen. It was almost like a singular moment of realization and selfdiscovery that may stay with you for the rest of your life. It started in my toes, made me crinkle my nose. I felt something building inside me, something strong, and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. I knew my Macalester Moment was about to come.

My Macalester Moment felt amazing, like I had just raised 100 million dollars within as short a time frame as possible. Now, I have Macalester Moments all over campus, with people from all walks of life, from faculty, to community members, to students just like you. My first Macalester Moment back in college taught me that this was the path I was meant to take for the rest of my life.”

Brian Rosenberg President

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- President Brian Rosenberg #asksformoney

“That time I forced students to put more effort into me than LinkedIn. Did you hear this dude who graduated last year is giving a talk on his experiences?”

Hey, Sports Bro!

It was a brisk mid-to-late September night, and my ex-best friend and I ordered Domino’s, both of us painfully sober. Ever eager to pack on that freshman 15, we picked up a large and planned to split it. On our way back, someone directed us to a party down the street. We decided to check it out, and offer the pizza to partygoers in the hopes of a free drink.

We arrived at the sport-house (Football? Water polo? Toe wrestling? Who knows.) and waltzed through the front door, immediately met with a horde of dancing drunks.

I offered the pizza to thankful upperclassmen as I worked the room. Watching warily, I noticed a tall guy in the corner sniff the -Your Handshake air, sensing food nearby. I froze. He whipped around and eyed profile the box wildly. “PIZZAAAAAAA!” he yodeled, and with the lack of coordination typical of a drunken tackle-based sport player, #asksformoney barreled toward me. He stumbled over his own foot and bodyslammed me — and more importantly, the pizza — into the couch. I got up and, dejectedly wiping pizza grease off every surface of my body, made a quick exit.

Listen, guy-who-body-slammed me. You never apologized — I’m pretty sure you passed out on the couch immediately after the incident. You ruined a perfectly good pizza and my chances at a free watery beer. Although I never got your name, I remember what you looked like. So, I ask for anyone to come forward with information about a student fitting the following description: likely a football player Econ major with brown hair, brown eyes, a stocky build, and… an absolutely indescribable animal magnetism. As angry as I still am about it even a year later, I just can’t stop thinking about you. In fact, I never washed that grease-stained shirt - I sleep with it every night, much to the chagrin of my dermatologist.

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macslist

Macalester Now Accepting New Applications for Most Famous Alumni

“When the years of dust were finally brushed off as someone gently opened my frail pages...”

HELP WANTED - We are seeking a qualified applicant to assume the role of the college’s premier graduate.

- The Mac Weekly

Skills/ qualifications: • • • • • • • •

• • •

•

#asksformoney

Ability to coin a phrase as a cheap marketing tool (required) Name looks good on buildings and Wikipedia pages (required) Must supply their own block letters for buildings (required) Must come to campus to deliver a commencement speech every 10-50 years (required) “Multicultural” (required) Ability to beg for millions of dollars from fellow alums (required) Ability to write about more than the Vietnam War (required) Cannot have been annihilated in the 1984 Presidential Election by Ronald Reagan (required) Experienced a Mac Moment (required) Graduated from Macalester College (optional) Ability to hold a five minute conversation with Brian Rosenberg (optional) Cannot be an accused sexual predator (please for the love of god)

If interested, please apply via Handshake.

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“One time, my Spanish professor spent 45 minutes of our class trying to hook up her laptop to the projector.

We used up the whole class on one Mosaico Cultural video. I immediately dropped my education studies major.”

I’ve been waiting

Well dear readers, the days grow slowly colder while my room in Dupre somehow gets hotter with every passing minute. A new school year has started and you know what that means: it’s time to say goodbye to that boring old summer nudity and say hello to fresh and exciting college nudity. Yes it’s out with the old and in with the new. Over are the days of seeing your summer camp co-counselor Darrick’s package as he awkwardly changes in the middle of the cabin, now it’s the time to walk in on the breathtaking sight of your roommate masturbating with your hand lotion. The sight and sound of their climax, of their cum splattering all -Kate Chanels ‘17 over their prized collection of Naruto figurines, is far more exciting and horrifying than the limp #asksformoney flapping of Darrick’s dick and balls as he stumbles into his pants. Also gone is the sight of elderly men using any and every beach as a site for nude calisthenics, their genitals swaying in the wind like a palm tree in a hurricane, ugh, boring. In their place you can look forward to the rank odor and impossibly hairy back of your next door neighbor as they insist on stalking shirtless through the halls of your dorm like a fur-covered angel of death while your RA watches in impotent horror.

Don’t worry ladies the men don’t get to have ALL the fun. The members of Macalester’s fairer sex can look forward to the prospect of waking up to a room covered entirely in the dirty bras and underwear of your roommate, a room filled with the smell of sweat, despair, and cheap perfume. You seek to escape the smell by taking a shower only to be greeted by hair that has somehow stuck to every surface of the shower, especially the ceiling. Yes there’s lots of excitement to look forward to this year. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go lie naked in my roommate’s bed and have a wank.

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Hege-O Says... take d n a ball a our o e t r n a i e p r Curl u with us! He s nap e pu a doz rtified cam e staff-c s... on locati • • • • • • • • • • •

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“I had my Mac Moment a few days after move in. There’s this giant flat pillar in front of Kagin.

Every muscle in my body said “climb.” All my friends said “Wow, he climbed that.” I also climbed onto the roof of Shish at a party last weekend. I whisper under my breath “parkour…” while I climb.

My primal instinct is to scale it, I must climb.”

- Alex Branchout ‘22 #asksformoney

Among the fabric scraps in the Idea Lab In a pile of laundry that got moved on top of the dryer (finders keepers) Post-coital library beanbag Inside a backpack in a Cafe Mac cubby (snack on all the apples they were intending on sneaking out) Between the crisp sheets of PBR’s would-be bed on Summit Austin’s room, he’s sad and lonely Within the heaving throng of Kagin, as the throbbing mass of humanity lull you to sleep On the mysterious stain on the floor lounge couch (Hege’s #1 pick for when you’re sexiled) Inside the bowl of premade salads in Cafe Mac In the cabinet underneath the microwave by Scotty’s In your bed (Macalester College™ requires us to include this. Here is their message: “Please. The amount of unconscious bodies littered across campus has grown too large and the Health Department will start fining us soon”) David Sisk’s lap In the back of your 8:30am class like you already are

“Hot liquid burst from my glue gun at the same time as the sewing machine pounded into a sweater. It was amazing.”

How to be woke

“Yea, I guess you could say I’m woke, but I’m no hero,” said Meredith Joliet when the Hege reached out to her for our Outstanding Student section. “The first thing you gotta understand about me is that I’m a real Berniecrat. Like I was super pumped when Alexander Occasion-Cornut won in New York. I’ve already volunteered on like two campaigns in my hometown, I’m vegan, I watch Bill Maher almost everyday. I support Public Radio and the Death Penalty. Wait, do we support the Death Penalty? Anyways I went to a Run The Jewlz concert three years ago, and yea, you better believe I drove my Hummer out to help those -The Idea Lab defenseless native people in South Dakota. It was so cold up there and they’re still trying to convince me #asksformoney that climate change is real, like I’m some sort of idiot. They forget that I wake up everyday and that’s why I’m woke. You should see how much coffee I drink. I mean shit, if that doesn’t wake you up I don’t know what will. And fuck it, I’ll say it, I refuse to watch white people porn. I mean, how anyone could get off on that shit is a mystery to me. Like sure I know that I’m white, but I’m trying to use my privilege to support POCs [Pornstars of Color] and yea, I’ll definitely go out of my way to make sure that the porn I watch has some real marginalized people in it. That’s what really gets me going, ya know? Ooooh, especially if one of them is missing an arm or something and eating some asparagus. And then they stick the asparagus in and their Step Dad comes in dressed as an iguana. Man do I love that stuff. Of course I make sure that the porn is free range before I watch it and just knowing that I’m helping support this great vanguard of artists is all the satisfaction I need. Man do I support them often. Sometimes I’ll see a refugee on the news and cum on the spot.” She went on, “Yea, I’m an Anthro major, what about it?”

investigations

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Hege Kagin.

“I loved getting free alcohol at the Macalester Moment launch. Also the beef brisket was insane.

Such a lit night.”

That’s not a joke.

- Hophie Sannauer ‘19 #asksformoney Cabbage Kagin Ever get back from a night out and realize that you are incredibly hungry? That will never happen here! Barrels of cabbages will be stationed at the sides of Kagin. You can dance the night away while simultaneously being able to have a great source of fiber!

Paul McCartney Kagin Macca has been going strong for decades. The king of classic rock has one stop on his tour before eventual retirement. Assuming the funding from our new campaign comes through, we can use some of the funds to have a live performance from the legend himself, playing his solo work.

Monster Mash Kagin Hege, would you really host a kagin that’s just the Monster Mash on repeat? Yes. Yes we would.

Beach Bash Kagin Don’t we all miss summer? Here at the Hege, we’re working hard on our beach bods and spray tans.

There’s no shortage of summer songs either. The only hard part is finding enough sand to cover the whole floor, but don’t worry. We know a guy.

Christmas in November Kagin Who needs summer anyway. The week after Thanksgiving is basically Christmas. It’s a perfect time to say, fuck it, let’s put on our ugly sweaters and get down to some carols.

Under the Sea Prom Kagin You and your dynamite girl borrow your old man’s Buick. You’re drinking from a flask you swiped from your old man. You end up smooching at makeout point. She gets cold so you drape your varsity jacket over her shoulders. You go to the Under the Sea Prom Kagin and dance all night, but you’re not allowed to have your heads closer than six inches, also, no touching below the belly button! Your dynamite girl’s old man said that she needs to be back by 10. Kagin ends at 9.

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“Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to give them a Kagin?

That was a terrible descision.

Wait, we did???”

11/30/18.

We have ideas.

- Campus Activities and Operations #asksformoney We hate you Kagin It’s true. We’re fed up with you. After years of working to please you, to make you laugh, you throw us on dirty tables in Cafe Mac every lunch break. We’re done. Now we hold the cards. We’re going to give you the worst Kagin you’ve ever had. Music? Sung by us. Lights? Spotlights. And yes, we will be patrolling the dance floor making sure you’re at arms length away from each other.

ASMR & Sirens Kagin Shhhhh *paper crinkles* We’re going to have a nice and quiet *lotion being rubbed in* Kagin where you just get to tingle *finger runs down wall* your brain until BWEEEEEEEEEEEH our siren goes off at random points *chip is eaten* Marbles Kagin When you walk in, you will be given a marble. You have the choice on where to put it (or throw it). By the end of the night, we want the floor to be a giant game of mancala. Good luck.

Detention Kagin No talking. All the lights in Kagin are replaced with long fluorescent bulbs. There is a large analog clock where the DJ would normally be. It ticks particularly loud since it is the only thing making any sound. You are here until 4:00 PM (Kagin starts at 2:00 PM).

Sex Ed Kagin We have a responsibility to the campus community at large to ensure that everyone is educated about the most responsible and healthy way to communicate about the wonders of sex. It’s a complicated and nuanced issue requiring the utmost sincerity. Therefore, we will be throwing condoms from the stage.

Sex Kagin Still just us throwing condoms from the stage.

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Howdy Pardner

You Can Only Pick Two Petting the therapy dog that was strategically placed in front of the CC.

Remembering which fucking floor your classroom is on

Getting to your 8:30am in OLRI on time

“It’s not just about who you know. It’s about who you meet. This was the gift that Mac Connect gave me - learning to network.”

- Sean McDonald ‘18 #asksformoney

Regular blood pressure

Eating soup in cafe mac

Flavór

Owning more than 2 pairs of underwear

Living off campus senior year

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Passing a drug test

Being on a varsity sports team

Having a social life

One big straw

248-434-5508

Visiting your family during Winter Break

Wet dreams

Healthy digestive system

Cafe Mac coffee

Free toilet paper

Having any energy at all

Wrapping a gift for your friend

Actually reading The Mac Weekly

“When people actually appreciate my music.�

The Acheulean Handaxe Tradition

The Communist Manifesto

Wolfram Mathematica

Someone stealing your laptop

#asksformoney

President

Plan B

Sitting at different Cafe Mac tables

Buying out all of the Football Houses

Hosting chess night every Fri/Sat night

The Bee Movie

Meal Plan B

Using your inside voice in the gym

Carrying around a sports team bottle

Brian

Rosenberg

Believing in astronomy

Believing in astrology

Finishing your Capstone

Someone stealing your bike

-The Bagpiper

Believing in archaeology

Sleeping with your Mac Missed Connec.

Building a condominium and tapas complex You are the theatre building

Being erected

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Your pal, paranoia

“Being actually just for Theater and Dance.”

Hey, I know you’re fucking high. I can smell it.

Everyone can smell it. Yeah, I saw you, out there, on the median, passing a “cigarette” to your “friend.” You think you’re being sneaky? You think you’re hiding behind that tree? You’re not, dumbass—it’s winter, there are no leaves. Everyone in Dupre saw you. Your RA saw you. Those bikers? They’re calling the cops.

Febreeze? I didn’t know it came in “Spring Skunk.”

The Domino’s guy? He knows you’re baked—he’s - The Old Theatre yourgoddamn drug dealer. I watched you, I heard Building you breathe, I can taste your smoky breath. You must #asksformoney #asksformoney think you’re pretty smart smoking a spliff? Guess what? That rush to your head, that feeling of euphoria, that sense of grounding in the earth—that’s the closest to complete you’ll ever feel, you piece of shit, in your shitty shoes and shades in your shitty life—fuck you. You’re scum, less than scum. That’s right. I saw you. I saw you bog. I saw you puff, puff, puff, and never pass. Oh great, now you’re tweaking out and freaking out, and you just dropped the joint—idiot. Nobody likes you. Nobody loves you. You aren’t smart enough to go to this school. You’re an imposter. You should be doing your Spanish homework right now—I know you said you’d do it when you’re baked, but you know just as well I do you won’t. Your parents pay 60k for you to be here, and you’re smoking on the median, like a Tommie, on a Tuesday night. Now you’re crossed. You’re puking your guts out in the fishbowl. Wayne’s gonna have to escort your putrid ass back to your room. You call this a Macalester Moment?

You were supposed to Stop@Buzzed, not Stop@Blitzed. Shame.

Shame.

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“Being an extended erection of Olin Rice.”

Cheryl Duochute Ducouttue? Duckhut?? D. Someone, Help. Is there anyone there?

Students Health and Wellness Center offering new meal swipe option to start off the day right!

-The New Theatre Building #asksformoney

The Laurie Hamre Center for Health and Wellness is extremely pleased to announce that it now be offering a morning meal swipe option of a swift and brisk slap to the face. Students will be excited to know that this option is now available in the LC for a special deal of $14 for paying customers (courtesy of your overlord and provider Bon App). Instead of a choice of beverage, the HWC will tell you how you’re not sleeping well enough and that there’s no one to blame but yourself for deciding to watch TV until 3am every night and it’s just you who’s like this everyone else is normal, no get your own therap read more…

THE MAC WEEKLY: Interdimensional portal in Neill still transporting students to infinite void The lightless-freezing vortex which spontaneously appeared on the Second Floor of Neill has been confirmed to be an interdimensional portal to a desolate infinite void of soul-sucking endlessness. While Facilities tries to contain the matter, the unsympathetic tear through space and time has destroyed not only all sense of hope and joy but also any attempted blockade. Security has been unable to prevent the unfortunate devouring of 4 unaware passers-by. President Briglig Roblenglob has issued a press release promising an investigation into the matter by appointing Macalester’s last hope David Sisk. The Mac Weekly got an exclusive interview with the brave student who is currently clinging to the door frame to avoid the dark oblivion attempting to consume him. “Yeah, the void seems like a hellish nightmare from the brain of a sadistic monster, but at least it’s better than most classrooms in Neill. Why are you asking me these questions? PLEASE GET H--” find out if he makes it in the next release of The MacWeeklyBM on shelves today. read more…

Events Today’s Events Submitted by: College Events Calendar, Web Services

LC Hours: 12:00am-11:59pm for athletes 5:45-6:00am & 4:30-4:35pm for everyone else Library Hours: wouldn’t you like to know nerd Therapy goldfish will be on the second floor of the CC from 12:00-1:00 Lunch with Macalester alums, I wanna say… Shit… not Kofi

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Aries - A temporary shadow falls over your domain as you go about your life this week. Expecting everyone to flock to you as you plan yet another Kagin, you’ll be sorely disappointed when the night of rolls around and only Turck 4 first years show up. C’est la vie, Aries!

Pisces - Love is in the air for you, Pisces! As flirtatious Venus crosses through Uranus’ path, you’ll find yourself tongue-deep in a face full of fish.

“Wheh bleh! Bleh blegth wah bleu blee tsaa to bluu blegh?

Dah blue dee.”

Taurus - Taurus ladies, stand your ground this week, as people may try to convince you that your capstone theory is poorly founded. But giving in was never for you! As for you, gents, get off your lazy ass and text back whoever you’ve been emotionally manipulating this week. All you Taurus nonbinary folk, your week will be fine.

Gemini - Fuck you.

Cancer - With Mercury in your ruling house, time to dig yourself out of that hole you’ve been in since your parents didn’t show up to Family Fest. Crying is great, Cancer, but you need to understand that just because your mom was on bed rest, doesn’t mean you’re the least favorite child. Grab your tissues and start going to class again!

Leo - Thanks to a new moon in your relationship sector, you may finally find someone who loves you as much as you love yourself! Cut some slack on their leash, though; it may turn out your sweetheart is a registered Republican!

- Crunch

#asksformoney Virgo - Your week starts off with Mercury at a gorgeous angle to Saturn, so grab that label maker you’ve been dying to break in; PBR needs his files organized, and you’ll be damned if you let him down.

Libra - As the sign of the scale, Libra, you inherently crave balance and work great in pairs. With the new moon in your house, your cooperative qualities are as strong as ever. Yet, since the premiere of your one-man play about taking your lover’s virginity, you’ve been alone. As regret envelops your astral plane, you’re left to wonder, “Was there something wrong with the choreography?”

Scorpio - The Sun is traveling through Scorpio this week, compelling your co-ruler, Neptune, to shroud your aura in uncertainty. You may be feeling unattractive, inferior, and boring due to the energy discordance of this alignment. You’d be right! The stars never lie.

Sagittarius - Cosmic outliers Jupiter and Pluto lock into a fractious rhombus in your 13th house while the fifth degree of your ascendent travels through the inconclusive Apollonian realm. Because of this, the temptation to uproot your life and follow Saturn’s adventurous spirit is stronger than ever, but if you leave me again, Sebastian, I’ll fucking kill you :) Capricorn - Your geocentric rulers are on the cusp of polarity as Celone travels towards Saturn’s third eye. With Jupiter’s 13th moon in retrograde, the conditional convergence of Europa and Phobos is sneaking up on Mars’ Anaretic degree, sending cosmic triangles through your ascendent, Haleakala, so for those of you in the Atrium line, don’t look up!

Aquarius - You know better than anyone, Aquarius, that when vulgar Saturn storms your 11th plane, cosmic limbo is bound to arise. Stellar chaos is known to spiral the Sun’s journey into Savasana, exhaling it all the way into Warrior 1.

Upon this occurrence, the lunation of Neron 53B becomes void of course, setting malefic Aldebaran to the 10th degree of your fifth star. If that happens, your Cadent Houses might as well inject a Saros Cycle into your penumbra. Better use protection!

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HEGE-O-SCOPE

“Ahh yes, allow me to translate for my brother. When he means to say is that as an instutition Macalester has provided us with the means to embrace multiulturalism in a way that has made us truly global citizens.

Our education is invaluable.”

Was that last horoscope not good enough for you?

-Brunch

MACALESTER MOMENT BY ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

#asksformoney

Don’t worry! We have another themed horoscope for you to laugh at!

It’s... wait for it...

Aries Getting an email from the Honor Society

Gemini Calling professor ‘Daddy’

Leo Chopping off left pinky to show loyalty for the Honor Society

Libra Getting lost in OLRI

Sagittarius Being hazed by econ frat Taurus Eating Scotty’s and several apples during class to assert power over Professor Virgo Waking up trapped in David Sisk’s body in a Freaky Friday sort of scenario Capricorn Shaking hands with someone and finding wetness

Aquarius Going in for a hug with Professor Cancer Walking into an orgy in the Weyerhaeuser dungeon Scorpio Getting Brandy to call you lovebug Pisces Giving Macalester passwords away to a phishing scam out of sheer spite for ITS 17

The office of Macalester Entrepreneurship

“Going into retirement was by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me at Macalester. I’ve never felt so relaxed.”

is excited to announce the winner of the 2018

MacStartups program! Isabelle Reynolds ‘20, from Colorado, took home the prize this year with her controversial home-grown business. Reynolds’ business, “MacDank,” is a traditional medicinal consulting and provider company. Open to all

Macalester and MIAC college students, Reynolds sells traditional medicinal herbs to those in need. While

she grows some herbs herself in the basement of her off-campus home, many of them are imported from

- Kevin the dog #asksformoney

various traditional medicinal dispensaries across the United States. She attributes her use of stolen heat lamps from the Café Mac pizza station to her recent exponential increases in crop yields. Reynolds says that her mentor (recent graduate Matthew Delaune ‘16) was a “big help in finding the motherfuckin’ plugs [and] hooking a

broke ass bitch up”. Reynolds estimates that she distributes over 30 eighths of herbs per day, not taking into account what she and her employee (live-in boyfriend Sean) utilize for their own personal healing processes. “And to think I almost had to cut down on smoking to do this,” says Reynolds.

Although some faculty members are describing her win as “highly illegal”

and “against Macalester policy,” there is no denying the extreme success of her product. Her products have garnered profits of over 420% more than those of

other MacStartup businesses and has also won the “student favorite” award. The

discouragement she has received from faculty, staff, and federal police forces has

not kept her down, and with the backing of Macalester Entrepreneurship, Reynolds has decided to continue her business beyond the MacStartup program stage and has plans for expanding to other college and university campuses. Macalester

Entrepreneurship firmly believes that Isabelle Reynolds is a prime example of the kind of entrepreneurial potential that lies within all Macalester students.

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“Macalester has brought me much joy. I have been able to grind the skulls of my many enemies into dust. Through the power of the dark lord Xumamu, dark blood courses through my veins.I have received strength to topple the institution that has kept my kind dormant.”

-Will the dog #asksformoney

Hi, hello, and what up, I’m J-money and this is my fun and flirty Italian flavor experience. I know a lot of you lonely Larrys and sad Suzies out there are feeling the hunger and I have just the thing for you. At my fun and flirty Italian flavor experience our motto is “let’s be bad!” We got some pasta and some tomato sauce, you put it in your face it’s a good time. We believe good food is fresh, local, and spoonfed to you by a waitress who looks disconcertingly like old pictures of your mom from when she was in college. Still not sold? Just wait until you see our location, a beautiful exposed brick space in the back of a combination smoke and sex shop. Don’t forget the password “psst, whatcha gonna do with all that SAUCE.” We’ve really got something for everyone down here. Ya like boobs? So do we! We’ve got seven of em’!

More into that hot groin meat? If so then you’re in luck because we are proud to be the biggest importer of food grade bull penises in the Midwest! So don’t be a stranger, come on down to J Money’s fun and flirty Italian flavor experence and put our stuff in your body.

J-Money’s Italian Flavor Experience Barber Shop: I just Want to Talk

If you need a haircut please consider my charity barber shop.

All proceeds go to finding the man who killed my family. In the course of my hunt for the tall man with wavy blond hair in a trench coat who killed my family I have become skilled in all manner of blades and I can use these skills to cut your hair with the same merciless precision with which he cut my life to pieces. I know many people place great value on the connection between themselves and their barber. I am prepared to be your confidant, we can discuss many topics such as: sports, families (brutally murdered or otherwise), and any tall blond men with rippling muscles and a laugh like tearing metal you have seen recently. My barber shop has a classic ambiance: located in my dimly lit basement and decorated with a web made out of photographs of blond men with sculpted, aquiline, features. You can feel free to relax as I drape a plastic tarp around you and ask you pointed questions about your height, original hair color, and location on the night of August 22nd 2013. My fees are reasonable and go exclusively to the purchase of weapons, ammunition, and black market information.

Tall blond men with tight buttocks and a trenchcoat get a free haircut if they come alone and unarmed.

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Venmo us $5!

#asksformoney