Volume 21, Issue 2 - The Hegemonocle Gets Sued

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The Hegemonocle

Volume 21

Fall 2019

Issue 2

ED

THE MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 20, Issue 2 Fall 2019 Hege Gets Sued ™ Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Maeghan Sullivan ’20 Zoe Berkovitz ’20

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Autumn Campbell ’21 Head Writer Ben Townsend ’20 Radio Editors Zoe Berkovitz '20 Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN Head of Production Lidija Namike ’21 Neck of Production Kirk Lobban ‘21

STAFF *Austin Jesko ‘21 *Ethan Shaw ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21 Finn Odum ‘21 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Baxter Gordon ‘22

Jared Jageler ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘22 Aberdeen Morrow ‘22 Julian Applebaum ‘23 Coat Rack ‘99

* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS To the company P***** for sue-ing us To David Wheaton for saving us from the Sue-ing To the Hege staff of 2015 for getting us into this mess To the private snapchat that helped us raise $750 to pay our debts To Kris Lindhahl’s Arms for staying up that long, that’s stamina To Taoyateduta for a surpisingly easy victory Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu

2

@hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2019.

Dear readers, We hate to do this, but we’re asking for your help. We got sued for copyright infringement, and we spent all our allowance money on legal fees, and now we only have $3.22 to spend at Claire’s, which is enough for some ‘Smackers but definitely not enough for a new headband.

Instead of asking for additional allocations from Macalester, we’ve decided not to accept any money from big donors, because The Hegemonocle ought to be supported by people like you. By students, for students, in and on students–that’s just the way we like to do things here in cc206 at 9 pm on Thursdays.

If you’ve spent too much of daddy’s money on drugs and beer to contribute financially to our cause right now, don’t worry: you can still help. Feel free to check out our GoFundMe, change your Instagram profile picture to a public domain image of a hedgehog, use the hashtag #FREEHEGE on Twitter or The Slap, or donate a meal swipe to a Hege editor (no, but really).

Together, we can get back on our feet, pay for our hot attorney, and ensure that more quality content gets from our big, big brains to your soft, sweet little eyes.

Much love,

Zoe Berkovitz Maeghan Sullivan

Editors-in-Chief

This Holiday Season

We are asking for some donations in order for us to pay for our (inevitable) next sue-ing.

You may make donations in the name of: The Macalester Hegemonocle No permanent address, taking shelter in cc206 Macalester college St. Paul, MN 55015

We accept donations in the form of:

Cash Check Money order Flex-point direct transfer A God-Forsaken Parking Spot on Summit Renaming a building after someone not racist Mini Bunt-lets Mac Money Zelle

MY COMMITMENT IS $:_________ Dollars/Pennies Per: (circle one) menstual cycle/hour/fortnight/fortnite Name: _______________________________________ Address:_____________________________Apt #:____ City:________________________________State:____ Social Secuirity Number:________________________

A Kagin Romance

I walk on to the granite floor Beyonce’s voice carries through the door I’m here with all my bros I gotta stay on my toes To find the perfect girl

I scan across the room, our eyes lock Adios, fap sock She draws me close with hand motions See ya later, Hand Lotion I make my way through the crowd I’ve never had sex before We dance to the rhythm of single ladies “Your ass is nicer than a Mercedes.”

She whispers in my ear, “my place or yours?”

I have no fear, I’ll give you a tour

We arrive, Turck 237 I’m ready to experience heaven It starts to rise, my cock My roommate is like Mutumbo*, executes a block He’s sitting in a speedo, singing satanic chants Guess what’s on his head? His pants.

She mouths “what the fuck” then runs away I guess it just wasn’t my day…

“I didn’t know” he stutters “It’s OK” I mutter “What do you want to do for the rest of the day” “I’ll get our fap sock” I say.

*Dikembe Mutombo is a famous basketball player known for blocking shots

Café Mac Bingo Grab a friend, go munch in Caféteria Mácálestér, and see which one of you can get CURRY (BINGO) first! A fun, all-ages-appropriate game for when you wait in line for a warm vegetable!

M ale New Specialty Housing Option Available to White, Male Political Science Majors Fall 2020 Last week, Macalester Residential Life announced a new specialty housing option for those who feel that the current living options oppress their identities: Pi Sigma Alpha Male, an exclusive space for white, male Political Science majors.

Inspired by the likes of Georgetown and American University, this new house will be a space for white men to talk to their heart’s content, free of socially imposed time constraints or classmates sending them the same “shut-the-fuck-up” eye rolls they’ve been getting since they first quoted RadioLab in seventh grade.

As space is limited, the application process will be intensive, involving class observations by a selection committee made up of current Political Science seniors. Applicants will be judged based on the following rubric,

from which they must score at least 40 talking points.

Pathetically inadequate (0) Listens

Listens

Does the reading

Has potential (5)

A perfect match (10)

Speaks when called on; quietly corrects the professor to the people around him throughout class

Speaks at least nine times in an hour-long class period and communicates absolutely nothing new

Re-phrases what the girl next to him said

Repeats to the class at least four things the girl next to them said

Automatic Entry (50) Completely unaware that he fits every single one of the requirements outlined.

Explains the Skims the reading in class, political situation in a counquoting as he scrolls try to a girl who is from that country

Listens

Raises his hand before the professor asks a question

Gives the professor constructive criticism

Supports Bernie and Elizabeth Warren

Supports Amy and Pete

“The country is so divided”

Residential Life has also announced that instead of an RA, the house will host a work-study position of “audience.” This position quickly filled as the only responsibilities include consistent nodding, talking just enough so that the resident feels they are sufficiently talking over someone, and printing off residents’ resumes as door decs.

We interviewed current applicant Jarrett Jaeglen, who offered comments on this game-changing living option. Jaeglen began our interview by making it very clear that he does, indeed, get CNN daily newsletters in his inbox every morning and when his parents let him drive their BMW to high school he did, indeed, listen to NPR. He expressed that he is especially excited for this opportunity to have a setting where he can flex these important aspects of his personality, unhindered by pesky professors who “need to continue the discussion in a productive manner” and women who “have never felt heard and should finally fucking have a space to speak.”

The

Official

Breakdown of Your First Semester @ Macalester

All three of Macalester’s statistics majors have mathematically broken down how our first-years allocated their time during their first semester. Over the course of these 80 days they have each spent approximately… ~ 35 hours waiting for the wifi to reconnect only to realize the wifi is connected and Macalester just doesn’t value internet access ~ 5 hours of unsuccessfully trying to break up with their high school partner ~ Every chemistry class debating whether or not they actually want to be a doctor ~ 0 hours at the gym (except for that one girl who figured out how to read on the treadmill… freak) ~ All of October thinking “it’s really not that cold” ~ Everyday since November 2nd trying to convince themselves that “it’s really not that cold” because they’ve already committed to living in this frozen hellscape for the next 3.5 years ~ 3 unnecessary hours walking outside because they didn’t know Olin-Rice and Neill the Humanities building were connected ~ 15 minutes holding their vom while the R.A. does bathroom checks ~ 1.5 hours doing laundry (yeah, that’s only ONE load in 80 days you nasty animals) ~ 8 hours trying to decide if they have time to jerk-off while their roommate is in the shower ~ Only 2 hours actually jerking off because their roommate takes really fast showers (except for you Tom - you nasty animal) ~ 12 days in a NyQuil-induced haze because even though we’re the 25th best liberal arts school in America, not a single student has figured out how to wash their goddamn hands you nasty animals ~ Their first full week crying because they thought they were too dumb to go to school here ~ Every day after the first week crying because they realized that the pain of academia is meaningless in the face of the climate crisis.

sad about being horny cold as fuck

sad

horny

Better Neil(l)s

Here at The Hegemonocle, we stand with our fourth cousins twice removed at The Mac Weekly.

We, too, believe that The Humanities Building should be renamed. In order to make this transition easy for the campus, here are our suggestions for new Neills to name the building after: Neil Armstrong Neil Young • • •

Like original Neill, first years have no clue who this is Has a heart of gold OlRi, Old Main, and Carnegie will be renamed Crosby, Stills and Nash

The Mac Weekly Special Edition on Renaming Neill

• • •

Sam Neill • • •

• •

Not to be confused with Louis Armstrong DEFINITELY landed on the moon Absolutely not a paid actor involved with Stanley Kubrick’s fake moon scheme

The guy from Jurassic Park Was in Event Horizon but we don’t talk about that When you walk into the building, the Jurassic Park theme could play and that would be fucking DOPE

Mentioned in the New York Times Has been written about in every TMW issue afterward, and probably future issues too Mostly white student org that got more recognition than an indigenous movement trying to do the same thing, so pretty on brand for  Macalester’s morals

•

 

Neil Patrick Harris

�

• • •

�

Gay, to appeal to the masses ... . . .did we mention he wasn’t straight?

�

               �  

Neil Gaiman • • •

Approves of fanfiction Approves of God being a woman I can’t make fun of this man. I cannot. He’s actually amazing. Gaiman has such a gift for writing and is just wonderful as a human and wow? He trolled the right wing christian group who were mad they cast a woman as God in Good Omens! And don’t get me started on—

Should You Crash that Party on SnapMaps? A Flowchart 2

11+

3-10

Your sexy, sexy professor, and their sexy, sexy wife

President Brian Rosenberg and Max the Cat

You do realize it’s most likely they’re having a night of sweet, passionate love-making, right?

Right...

This is an orgy.

Does it look like they have alcohol?

What are they wearing?

Who are they?

Your best friend, And your partner

How many people are there?

All Black

Nothing special

Nothing special ;)

Wait... but like, in a kinky way?

Maybe...

This is most likely a small funeral, where they’re lamenting the death of a loved one

Yes, absolutely crash that party!

No This is most likely a small apartment building, none of these people likely know each other and aren’t having fun.

No

Yes

This is the local AA meeting.

This is most likely a nudist cult hellbent on conquering the world, and will kill anyone from the outside who dares investigate them

No. God no. These kinds of events are built upon a foundation of trust, and you, reader, by breaking that trust? You destroy the very building blocks of our society. Shame on you reader. Shame.

F a t t e s t Squirrel on Campus Condemns “Zero Waste By 2020” Initiative With Macalester crawling towards its sustainability goals, squirrels all over campus are speaking out against changes in the community’s waste habits. One activist, a Very Fat Squirrel, has drawn attention for publicly condemning the Sustainability Office’s “Zero Waste By 2020” initiative.

“They don’t understand the impact this has on us,” says the Very Fat Squirrel. “Our lifestyle depends on the community throwing away irresponsible amounts of perfectly good food and food-soiled plastic. The selfish, dangerous choices of ‘composting’ and ‘recycling’ are contributing to the disenfranchisement of the Body Mass Index of squirrels everywhere.”

The local squirrels claim that Macalester’s sustainability goals are adversely affecting the squirrel population by limiting dietary options, cutting off foraging accessibility, and lowering the overall morale of all Macalester-Groveland rodents. This lack of accessibility and the accompanying nutrient deficiencies has unfortunately resulted in several rodent attacks within a three-block radius of Macalester.

“We belong here just as much as anyone else,” says the Very Fat Squirrel. The Very Fat Squirrel also shared plans to petition the Macalester College Student Government, and even the Board Of Trustees, if necessary. The Very Fat Squirrel stated, “[the rodents of St.Paul] will not hesitate to invest everything we have into fossil fuels if it means that we can continue to gorge ourselves on college trash.” This dispute signifies a crumbling relationship between Macalester College and the local fauna. We warn all Macalester students, staff, and St.Paul residents to be aware of potential bloodshed–rodent and human–in the future.

Fuck y’all

Rejected Macalester Hot Takes: - Old Main is the Boomer of the academic buildings - The Media and Cultural Studies department is a cover-up for the department chair’s elaborate LSD smuggling scheme. Why do you think they have so much La Croix? It’s full of hallucinogens.

- You’re not cooler than me just because you’re pre-med.

- Having an all white class on African American literature is bad...esp. when the professor is white too.

- Having class.... isn’t that classist?

- Macalester should be more academically cut-throat.

- The squirrels aren’t the most interesting thing about our campus.

- Giving yourself horrible bangs is not equivalent to therapy.

- Café Mac is...bad…thank you.

- Brian Rosenberg is kind of.... hot..

Whoever’s Stealing Mac Fund Posters, Please Stop Features, p.5

Bon App Workers Strike for Old Menu and Some Goddamn Peace and Quiet

none of us believe in our jobs anymore, there’s no money in print media.

Sporks, p.7

Fuck, p.8

THE MACAQUE WEEKLY formallyknownasneill.com

please read our special isssue it came out on Nov. 1, 2019

English Department Embezzlement Scandal Revealed Last week, 92-year-old English department coordinator Ernest Steinback was escorted out of Old Main in rusted shackles. Macalester security officials had to restrain him after a vicious fight, during which the coordinator shanked two guards with a splintered fountain pen. One bled out in the English lounge, his last words being, “Oh, I’m not going to die, am I?” A mystified student pointed out that these were also Charlotte Brontë’s last words. The dying guard stopped bleeding out long enough to say, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Steinback, according to security staff, has been embezzling tens of dollars from the department Treat Nights for 4 years. That, according to the student workers, would explain why the last two months they've served nothing but stale bread from the Breadsmith dumpster. When the Maq Wekly asked Steinback how he’d gotten away with it for so long, Steinback reportedly said, “I’m old as shit!”

Steinback kept his financial records inside a copy of a hollowed out book written by that OTHER Macalester author.

English students were shocked and appalled at the suggestion that there were other authors besides John Fitzgerald. “Y-you mean th-there’s more?” One nervous freshman first year stuttered. “I-I thought that...but there can’t be…” Our reporter quickly called Mac EMS when the first year began to shake uncontrollably. The EMS student worker, upon arriving, said, “God, another one?”

Mak Weakly’s investigators discovered he was using the finances to fund his own literary career. Publishing under the name Jacob Joyce, Steinback has amassed an erotic literature empire.

His most popular works include Boff the Prof, Hot Coordinator Summer, and The Young Virgin and the Aggressively Handsome and Wildly Experienced Older Man. This last piece is the one he’s most proud of. And, according to Steinback, it is “Not a crazy fantasy” and “100% Based on true events”.

After discovering his erotica, the Maac Weeee!kly sat down with the head of the English department, Virginia Eliot. “He’s a brilliant writer,” Eliot said. Her desk was covered with paperback copies of Steinback’s work. “I can’t believe we’ve been sitting on this gold mine for years.”

According to Eliot, next year the English department will be offering an FYC called History of Romance: Mr. Rochester to Mr. Grey, a craft course named Fiction: Writing Sensual Literature, and Empowered Women Written by Male Authors, which will be cross-listed with WGSS. All will be taught

by Steinback, who is now benefiting from a cushy raise and an office lined with modern adaptations of Gone With the Wind.

By JOHM STAMOZ Editor...?

Next week: Rabid Maque Weeklee writers burn down Weyerhaeuser, threaten to burn down their own office unless they receive $200 in flex points and BriRo’s social security number.

Waay Baak At Mac: An oral history of “ENGL 353 (Cross listed as ART 267): Garfield’s Glory Days (1980-1995): A critical analysis of Jim Davis’ transcendent cartoon” On a brisk Sunday in late March 2007, Macalester English professor Tom Delmones opened up the Sunday copy of the Star Tribune. What he saw next was appalling.

When I was a first year, I had heard rumors about a course that had threatened the very fabric of Macalester’s existence, so I did some sleuthing around to see if I could uncover more. No one knew anything about the class. It seems that the Macalester Administration spent countless hours burying the fact that this class ever existed. I talked to Kyle Dewman, a current physics professor at Macalester. It was rumored that he was a close friend of Professor Delmones. “Oh Tom?” Professor Dewman said. “I haven’t talked to him in years. I can get you in touch with him though.” Professor Dewman gives me a dusty book. “Send the book to this address. Don’t include anything else. He’ll get in touch with you if he wants to.”

The curiosity was killing me. I blew as hard as I could on the book, to reveal that underneath the layers of dust, was a copy of Garfield: Bigger Than Life. Of all the books in the world, why this one? I remembered Professor Dewman’s advice, and sent the book, no questions asked.

That was two years ago. I expected that either the package got lost, or that Tom Delmones didn’t want to talk to me. However, about a month ago, I got a letter in the mail.

MEET ME AT THE OLIVE GARDEN IN ROSEVILLE. 3:30 AM MONDAY TUESDAY. — TOM DELMONES Everything I had ever been told lead me to the conclusion that this was a bad idea. Meet a stranger at an Olive Garden early Tuesday morning? However, against my better knowledge, I went.

Professor Delmones was easy to point out. He was nicely dressed, but it was his tie with a picture of Garfield on it that gave him away. I walk over to him. Before I can say a word, he speaks. “Let me tell you everything.”

He clears his throat. “When I was a wee lad, I eagerly waited for Sunday paper, for the sole purpose of indulging myself in the sweet, sweet vice that is Garfield. As I got older, that love never waned. Maybe it was how deeply I related to characters. The sadistic Garfield, the mindless Odie, and the hopeless John. They helped me get through my parents’ divorce. When my girlfriend dumped me at the senior prom, Garfield, Jon and Odie were there for me. As I entered college at Harvard, my schedule became too busy to focus on Garfield anymore.

As I said before, the love never left.

Garfield is the reason I became an English professor. Whenever I got discouraged while writing my PhD thesis at Oxford, I would look up at my minted copy of the Garfield comic from October 11th, 1986, Delmones’ minted copy of the Garfield signed by Jim Davis himself, and I found comic from October 11th, 1986. inspiration. You can imagine my shock when I opened the newspaper in March 2007. Usually I just read the front page and the opinion section, but on this Sunday, I thought to myself, ‘Oh what the hell! I’ll indulge myself in a Garfield comic. Why Not?’” He takes a deep sigh. I start to see tears well up in his eyes. I tell him he can stop, but he continues.

“No, have to go on.” he says. “My jaw dropped to the floor. The Garfield comic was so horrible, an unexplainable rage filled my body. It must be an outlier, I thought. I spent the next 3 days sifting through Garfield comics. What I found was shocking. They were all bad! I went back ten years and I couldn’t find a damn good comic! What happened? What happened to brilliance of Garfield? Have my students at Macalester never seen a good Garfield comic? How do I reach them? Then it dawned on me.

‘I’ll teach a class! I will expose my students and Macalester to the golden age of Garfield!’ The next day, I filed papers for the new class to be taught immediately, in the fall of 2007. It was titled Garfield’s Glory Days (1980-1995): A critical analysis of Jim Davis’ Transcendent Cartoon. However, it never stood a chance. The Macalester Vice Dean of Faculty John Stamos, yes that John Stamos, struck it down within moments of it reaching his desk. He claimed that the course wouldn’t add anything to the campus curriculum, and that no student would take the class.”

However, Professor Delmones doesn’t believe that narrative.

John Stamos gradu

Dilbert Scholar

Stamos’ Brown Dilbert Scholar Diploma

“Vice Dean Stamos is a known Garfield hater and Dilbert advocate” Professor Delmones seethes. “Research his academic profile. He wasn’t a Dilbert scholar at Brown for no reason! His ruling on my class was laced with ulterior motives!” At this point, Professor Delmones stands up. “I can’t do this anymore. Please, just let others know the truth.”

Well folks, that's it for this week of Waay Baak at Mac. The tragic story of a professor and his failed class. Next week, We’ll take an in-depth look at Brian Rosenberg’s 2008 presidential campaign.

Catch up on Classes!

Check out some of the new course offerings across the departments for this spring semester: ART-594

Finger Painting

NCSI - 180

Plain, Rind: A Savior (Praise Thee)

ENG - 353

Garfield’s Glory Days (1980-1995): A Critical Analysis of Jim Davis’s Transcendent Cartoon

Crosslisted with ART-267

ENV-397

Seminar in Existential Climate Dread

JPN-194

Times, They are a’ changin: Japanese Love-Suicide Operas of the 18th Century

WGSS-270

Maybe not that bad after all: Dead White Men in the European Anthropocene

CHIN-305

Political Freedom in Hong Kong

ECON-121

Stonks

GEOL-280

Queer Women Geologists of the 1890’s

MUS-194

BhadBhabie, DaBaby, Baby Shark: Contemporary Hip-Hop Freedom Anthems

RELI-401

Checkmate, Atheists: Deconstructing Arguments using Cold Hard Facts and Logic

MCST-250

The New Cats Movie: Political Ramifications of Furry Representation in Cinema

ECON-263

Daddy’s Money: Finding One and Getting It

ACTC

SPORT-101

Saint Thomas

Satisfies requirement for Critical Theory Concentration

Five seats held for FURR

Apology to the People’s Republic of China Hegemonocle Editor-in-Chief Milly Dontsue has issued the following statement regarding the Hegemonocle and China: ‘‘I recognize our initial statement left people angered, confused or unclear on who we are or what the Hegemonocle stands for. Let me be more clear.

One of our staff-writers made a joke containing the language ‘‘Political Freedom in Hong Kong’’ in reference to a course offering by the Macalester Chinese Department.

Over the last three decades, the Hegemonocle has developed a great affinity for the people of China.

We have seen how humorous articles can be an important form of people-to-people exchange that deepens ties between the United States and China.

Values of equality, respect and freedom of expression have long defined the Hege -- and will continue to do so. At the same time, we recognize that our two countries have different political systems and beliefs.

In fact, one of the enduring strengths of the Hege is our diversity -- of views, backgrounds, ethnicities, genders and religions. Twenty-five percent of Hegemonocle writers were born outside of Minnesota and our colleagues have seen photos of countries around the world, including in Beijing, Hong Kong, Shanghai and Taipei.

With that diversity comes the belief that whatever our differences, we respect and value each other; and, what we have in common, including a belief in the power of jokes to make a difference.

It is inevitable that people around the world -- including from America and China -- will have different viewpoints over different issues. It is not the role of the Hegemonocle to adjudicate those differences.

Macalester runs deep in the hearts and minds of our two peoples. At a time when divides between nations grow deeper and wider, we believe humor can be a unifying force that focuses on what we have in common as human beings rather than our differences.

We deeply apologize for the offense our joke may have caused and look forward to continuing the prosperous relationship between the Hegemonocle and the People’s Republic of China.’’

Hey Macalester Students!

Do YOU Need to Make Cash FAST? Are you tired of paying for the increasing tuition prices to help fund Macalester’s expensive habit of giving financial aid to rich kids?

Do you feel like a lazy good for nothing with only three part-time jobs and an 18 credit course load?

Do you have an hourly wage that’s less than a meal at Cafe Mac?

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR BETTER OPTIONS???

Why not fully engage with the free market and make quick cash selling your organs on the black market!

No pesky government regulation to stop you from reaching your full potential!

You can fully benefit from the sweet magic of supply and demand; people always need bone marrow!

Become your own boss and decide your own work hours! You’re not only allowed but ENCOURAGED to take naps on the job!

Meet engaging coworkers and grateful clients who want what YOU have to offer them!

All employees given a 50% off discount on dialysis machines after first kidney donation!

Call now, while limited positions remain. Applicants with O- and AB blood types are preferred, but not a requirement.

If God wanted you to keep both of your corneas, He wouldn’t have created eye patches! $100 sign-on bonus for those willing to forgo anesthesia

Macalester Starter Pack the nose ring you got in the

earrings so heavy you’ll need botox by the time you graduate

crisis bangs

Carhartt beanie: you’re not working class your “accidental” self-exploration mustache

why did you think this was worth the 45 cents you spent

longsleeve under shortsleeve to prove you like music cords

your proudest goodwill bins

two majors three minors and a concentration

Blundstones

airpods

more blundstones

i bet you use an iphone camera you fuck

I bet you didn’t even do Macward Bound

wireframe glasses the turtleneck that saved your life when you woke up ready to meet with your professor but there was a kagin last night and you look in the mirror and your neck has been absolutely fucking mauled oh god did I really hook up with them

absolutely crippling seasonal depression

sweatshirt from a university you didn’t get into but cropped to prove you’re dEFinitely over it without a doubt. every time you remind your grandmother you didn’t get into Brown you feel comPLETEly at ease with where you are and the life that the Brown admissions board chose for you and it’s totally nOT awkward. you’re fINE.

the only way not to talk to your way back from class

yeah, you read the news AND go to farmers markets

christ a-fucking-live i swear to gOd if I see another fucking pair of blundstones

Breaking: The Hegemonocle Gets Sued That’s right. It happened. I know what you’re thinking; what asinine sex joke finally got us taken out? Well joke’s on you, we’re getting sued due to a copyright issue!

Since SOMEBODY decided 4 years ago to use a copyrighted image from [REDACTED], we have decided to respond in the most mature and sensible way we know how: never publishing a new article ever again.

That’s right, fuckers. Never again. From now on it’s only old pieces from the archive. Do you remember the Daily Piper being renamed the Mac Daily? We sure as hell don’t! But because of you ingrates, be prepared to read nothing but jokes about that until the end of time.

Artist’s Renditioning of the offending image.

It’s just we worked so hard on that issue, and this is the thanks we get? Do people even ACTUALLY read the Hege or do they just thumb through looking for reasons to sue us?

I mean it’s not even like we poured our HEART and SOUL into every single issue. It’s not like we spent years just trying to spread joy. BUT APPARENTLY all you heartless bastards see the Hege only as a limitless source of lawsuits and money.

How y’all look at us, apparently

You know what? We don’t even care. We never even liked writing new pieces. It’s hard and people are mean about them. So THANK YOU SOooooooo much [REDACTED] for letting us just give up!

So goodbye forever, everyone. You’ll never hear a novel thought from us again.

So please enjoy these gems from the archive!

Special thank you to Hege writers of years past.

Especially those whose work we have “legally reprinted� in this issue: Fall 2010: Volume 3, Issue 1 Spring 2013: Volume 8, Issue 2 Fall 2013: Volume 9, Issue 2 The Red Issue Spring 2014: Volume 10, Issue 1 Cosmo Mini Issue Spring 2014: Volume 10, Issue 3 The Male Model Issue Fall 2015: Volume 13, Issue 2 The Poster Issue

Volume 8, Issue 2 Spring 2013

Volume 10, Issue 3 Spring 2014

Hegemonocle

fall.2010

volume3.issue1

Multicultural, international, intelligent = fucking annoying The Hegemonocle found the notecards of the first draft of his speech welcoming the class of 2014. We decided to reprint them for you here.

[Brian Rosenberg]

As the current President of Macalester College, one of the nation’s premier liberal arts institutions, I am proud to announce that the Class of 2014 is set to be the most international, multicultural, intelligent, and of course really fucking annoying, in the school’s entire history. While not to insult past students academic ability, background and overall

int

ern ati on al

al r u t l icu

lt u m

douchbaggery, the freshman class is truly an exceptional bunch. The Class of 2014’s average composite SAT was a whole 100 points higher than the Class of 2013 and they won’t stop talking about it for a fucking millisecond. At freshman convocation alone there were 145 backwards, flat brimmed Red Sox hats along with 201 pairs of yellow skinny

jeans. This year’s class also boasts assholes from 97 different countries and all 50 states who all can’t wait to monopolize class discussions, use the word “hegemony” in friendly conversation, and of course, drink all the upperclassmen’s alcohol. Many of them studied oversees while in high school, learning techniques from assholes abroad

annoyi

ng!

nt e g i ll e t n i about how to condescend classmates in their own countries. Some of them have overcome hardship to hold up the line in Cafe Mac. Others have come from years of excellence to throw up everywhere in a stranger’s house on a weekend. Yet while these shitmongers were dispersed throughout the country being annoying little fuckers, they have

congregated here at Macalester College to take full advantage of the academic experience and of each other while intoxicated. Over the next four years I expect the very best from this class, whether it be talking loudly in the library to being condescending as fuck about your lack of familiarity with Foucalt, class of 2014 will surely be by far the most outstanding.

: s e n li p -u k ic p r e t s le Maca How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice given the current state of our polar caps.

I heard you haven’t been studying for Ochem. You must want the “D.”

I lost my phone number.

Can I send you a hand written letter?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven after realizing that there is no objective truth?

Please pick that up.

Do you realize the environmental impact of plastic?

Are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all day after that comment about America being a place of Kafkaesque tedium.

Do you have a library card?

Because I forgot mine and want to check out this Charles Baxter book.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would not put U and I, but U and ME together.

Is it hot in here?

Or is it just my subjective experience?

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this cold, meaningless world?

Are you from Tennessee?

Because I am trying to meet someone from each of the 50 states.

Are you in the right headspace to hear a pick-up line right now?

Is your name Foucault?

Because I don’t know you that well, but I talk about you all the time.

Can I come by during your office hours today?

I smoke cigarettes Volume 9, Issue 2 Fall 2013

Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue Fall 2015

spring 2013

Yo Mama Particle Discovered

volume8.issue.2

by Admiral Ackbar After years in particle physics leading physicists have discovered the yo mama particle.

It’s been determined that yo mama so fat, that it gives mass to everythi ng in the universe.

We discussed with the scientists how they were able to get yo mama to move that fast, and the leading theoretical physicist had this to say: “Man, the only way we could get yo mama to come out of hiding was by saying there was a jelly donut.” Other scientists added in “Oh Damn!”

Yo mama

e scientist responsible for this earth-shattering discovery.

Yo Yo Ma has fought off allegations that he was the Particle for years

We, of course, had the question, how is yo mama able to give mass to everything in the universe, and top physicist Jack Johnson had this to say “Man yo mama so fat she encompasses everything in the universe.” Other scientists added in “Ooooohhhh!” and “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!” is was an exciting announcement as this has come right after the announcement of the yo mama black hole. We asked one of the top scientists in Black Hole theory what he imagined it would look like. “Man, yo mama so ugly we can’t even manage to take a photo, cause yo mama so fat light can’t escape her mass.”

What else is there to be said about this scientiic marvel? Not much, except that yo mama been with so many guys, that every person on earth has had her.

Hanz Zharkoff, former NASA and CERN astrophysicist, is considered to be one of the leading minds in the eld of particle theory. When asked about the yo-mama and its implication for the future of the eld the genius theorist offered this, “DAMN YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE WALK BY THE TV YOU MISS 3 EPISODES!!!!”

Others in the eld believed this to be a totally sick burn, scientiically speaking.

Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue

Fall 2015

Volume 13, Issue 2: The Poster Issue Fall 2015

Volume 10, Issue 1 Spring 2014

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