The Mock Turtle - No. 9 by Heritage Quay

MOCK TURTLE

APRIL, 1930.

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CHARLESRECORD Assistant Editor: WINIFRED M. AKED Business Manager: R. C. LIGHTBODY Assistant Business Manager : H. GREY Editor:

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NUMBER NINE.

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APRIL, 1930.

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CONTENTS. Page 4

EDITORIAL NOTES IN QUEST OF A COMMON ROOM ON GROWING OLD IRON TONIC MISS CINDERS THE MOCK TURTLE DREAMS OF FAME (Cartoon) COAL-TAR LAB A BULL FIGHT IS THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEM HERE? A TALE WITH A MORAL BEWARE NON-SMOKERS COMMON ROOMERS THE CATALYST

Maurice E. Holdemess

Bertha Wright

Collected by All Jollysoon

Phyllis Kahn

Charles Cadley

Nankie Poo

Leonard Durham

Our Expert Adviser

A.O.J.

J ’ai Dit

Listener-in

Samuel Modden

COLLEGE ACTIVITIES— A KISS FOR CINDERELLA

SWIMMING CLUB

TENNIS CLUB

THE QUOTATION BOOK

MIXED HOCKEY CLUB

SKETCH CLUB EXHIBITION

GYMNASIUM

WHY NOT JOIN THE SELECT CIRCLE OF LITERARY ARTISTS WHO WRITE FOR THE MOCK TURTLE?

“ They had not gone far before they saw the Alock Turtle Alice could hear him sighing as i f his heart would breafa.— What is his sorrow ? ’ she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon ans wered— It's all his fancy, that : he hasn’t got no sorrow, you know. Come o n ! So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full o f tears, but said nothing. ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND.

FTER

long delays and desperate efforts we condescend to present to a delighted College Number Nine of the Mock Turtle—together with our good wishes that the pockets of our fellow students may be well lined with readily extractible

sixpences. For finance has been most of our trouble. We were broke; but we are almost whole again. We were behind with the rent; and the rent is now mended. We believe that the magazine is now on a rather sounder basis, and will be able to pay its way. But we still need the support of all our friends. Don’t show this copy to your pal; tell him it is good, that he, too, may drop a dime. Even if you feel like the fox that lost its tail, you may well emulate him. And we need more subscribers—they are our refuge in time of trouble. Point out to your uncle that he can have the next three issues post free for 1/9. And if you are leaving the College this year leave us your address, and the cash, and we will keep you in touch. Another problem we have had to face was the gradual disappearance of the Committee appointed by the Students’ Representative Council to manage the Magazine. Students leave. The Representative Council had vanished. We were reduced to about three. To save our lives, and the Mock Turtle from extinction, we called an ad hoc meeting of those interested in the Magazine. Immense enthusiasm; enormous attendance—we counted it. We are not, however, disclosing the precise figure. Suffice it, a new Committee was elected and is at work. The present issue is its first fruits. The Dance. A dance appears to be the royal road to money. So we ran one in the College Hall. Thanks to the strenuous efforts of our Business Manager, and the Assistant Editor and Miss Bertha Wright and others who slaved in the kitchen, and to Mr. Mettrick’s help as M.C., it proved quite a pleasant evening. Fortunately for the dancers, unfortunately for us, there were counter attractions; and fewer appeared than we hoped for. So they had plenty of room, and all they could eat; and we made but a little money; but just enough. Prizes. We are not offering any; but since our last issue the Right Hon. Arthur Greenwood, Minister of Health, formerly of the College Staff, has handed over some to the students who, we trust, earned them. He also made a speech, and waxed quite cheerful when he got under weigh. Students were doubtless glad to note that he approved of the movies—occasionally— and confirmed their opinion that their elders were mostly “ old fogeys.” 4

The pre-war generation, he said, had not made a very good job of the world, and he hoped that the youth of to-day would make a better one of it. He expressed appreciation that the College was, in fact, wider than a pure technical college—not providing merely the mental equipment for earning a living. In this connection we observed that a number of students, on receiving their prizes, walked straight out with them. These, presumably, are our materialists; whose views on education are not those of the speaker. Our Contemporaries. Our friends of Loughborough T.C. call their magazine “ The Limit.” Pure vanity this ! But we believe we really have found the limit. It is called “ The Pine Cone,” and hails from the Pine Bluff Hi Schools, Arkansas. Say, BO; it is a real go-getter ! It has eight editors, six reporters, two typists, an adviser, and a considerable business staff. It is published by the students of journalism, in exact imitation of a backwoods local newspaper; with four large eight column pages, and the usual large headings, sub-heads, small print and bad paper. The sports page tells us, for instance, in large caps., “ ZEBRAETTES WILL PLAY HERE FRIDAY. FORDYCE LADYBUGS HAVE BEEN DEFEATED ONLY ONE TIME THIS SEASON.” Good news this, it appears, for the “ basketball fans.” A Pine Cone reporter interviews the local librarian in approved style, the important result appearing under the two column heading, “ PINE BLUFF HI SCHOOL STUDENTS APPEAR TO HAVE NORMAL BOOK TASTES.” The paper is distributed free to the elementary school children of the town, though what they have done to deserve such a fate doth not appear in the indictment. In our view newspaper reading is a disease. The modern editor gets a piece of news complete in a thirty word wire from Timbuktu; decides it is good copy, and promptly amplifies it into two or three columns of repetition and imagination. He fills columns with news on a level with old women’s gossip—of no concern to anyone—columns with fake descriptions of events that the writers have never witnessed, and columns more with “ revelations ” invented to tickle the popular palate. For the rest—advertisements, bad advice to punters, and a slice of a third-rate novel. By hunting one may find a little real news in odd corners, and it may be accurate, but usually is not. Why youngsters should be taught to propagate and to catch the disease we cannot imagine. They will get it too soon anyhow. We may be wrong. The Pine Cone is a live paper at any rate. There is energy behind it. We are not sure that there is any thinking at all. But perhaps our own columns give us nothing much to write home about in that respect. Our Own Columns. We want to see The Mock Turtle the product of the College, and not of a small group. If you have ideas, do not let modesty prevent you from putting them on paper. We treat all communications in absolute confidence, and if we return a contribution no one but the Editor knows anything about it. Most great writers have had their MSS rejected by undiscerning editors in their younger days; we have suffered that fate ourselves (Ahem !); so you join a most distinguished company if you do not get into print. We would suggest, however, to contributors that they write their articles legibly, punctuate them, and arrange them—paragraphs, headings, etc.—as they desire them to appear. Some do not do these things; so causing great tribulation to ourselves, the printer, and to the contributors themselves when (Continued on Page 13.) 5

R o 50101,

a 6 6 "VTIT THERE’S the Common Room please?”

The youth in the blue X\A V coat and grey flannels to whom this sensible remark was v V addressed, not being a fresher at the Technical College, as was the inquirer, laughed and somewhat irrelevantly replied by asking for a cigarette. Jorkins was a little annoyed at this; he had been directed to all the other departments and had found them to be all he had expected, so this rebuff nettled him. He strolled along the corridor, passed the War Memorial, and entered the Common Room—the girls’ common room. It was empty, at least of girls—and nearly so of furniture. A table, a couch, a chair or two. “ Ha ! not much for a big place like this, but 1 suppose they think you are only here to work. Anyway, I’ve a whole hour to pass away before classes at 2-0, so here goes.” He lit a cigarette and pulled up his horse hair chair to the water pipes. “ My goodness ! what magazines the fellows must read,” he muttered, tossing away “ Woman’s World,” which he had found on the table. “ Hello —someone’s coming—perhaps we’ll get a game of—” A broad-shouldered man with a pencil perched behind his right ear and a register in his hand, framed the doorway and gazed with amazement at Jorkins’ sprawling figure. “ He looks a bit old for a student, but still there are some old swots here still trying for matric,” thought Jorkins as he twisted round and blew out a hazy cloud of smoke. The gentleman from the office spoke: “ You’ve no business in here. Come on out. Smoke outside.” “ Outside !” echoed Jorkins the new. “ What the deuce for?” Here two girls arrived—and giggled in the approved commercial students’ style. Jorkins rose from his seat, more in embarrassment than to offer his chair to the ladies. Four more girls entered and—giggled. Jorkins had a sudden inspiration and went out as unconcernedly as the fair maids’ remarks would allow a sensitive youth. Round about the corridors he went in search of his Common Room. He looked into 44.C, saw the furniture, and withdrew. In there the youth with the blue coat and grey flannels was engaged with a crony in pushing pennies about with great vigour. (Popular game this push penny). On closing the twentieth class room door Jorkin’s dreams of armchairs, sofas and billiard tables began to fade, and he was for taking the big shouldered man’s advice and going outside, when his class mate, just return ing from lunch and rest at home (lucky fellow), met him. “ I say, Smith, isn’t there any place in this building where a fellow can have a read and a smoke in comfort, or a game of something to fill in an odd half hour?” Smith wore a look of experience. “ A read—yes in the library—but no smoke there, or talk much. Billiards you pay for—outside. You can always have a smoke in th e ----- , but surely you know where all the fellows congregate and chat, don’t you? You don’t. Well come on then, I’ll show you. They approached 44.C. “ Not there—that’s not a Common Room—it’s a room with nothing but little chairs,” protested Jorkins with gentlemanly feeling. “ Oh, I don’t mean that,” replied Smith, leading the way downstairs, 6

“ but at the same time that’s the nearest approach to an official Common Room we have. It’s used for all occasions, classes, meetings, dances, and it’s a room you’re liable to be turfed out of at any time of the day.” Right down the next flight of steps he went, inviting his companion to follow. They stopped at the bottom. “ Not here?—Yes? Oh, my heavens !” ejaculated Jorkins. There was a crowd of students, smoking and talking lightheartedly in groups; they were in fact enjoying the privilege of a retreat—not by any means the comforts of a Common Room; seats were too limited for that. Jorkins viewed the rows of coats which lined the walls. His friend interpreted his look and nodded understandingly. “ A bit dark and gloomy down here, I’ll admit, but you’ll get used to it. It’s all the Common Room we students have.” “ Why on earth don’t the students demand something better then?” demanded Jorkins the new. “ They should get up a whacking big petition, signed by all the departments and as many of the staff as they can get. This is the leading College in the town—and it hasn’t any consideration for its students’ own room. Well, I’m not staying in these dungeons, I’m off.” Smith had been at the College so long that he felt almost ashamed for the place. Jorkins’ words roused him a little. “ I say that’s a good wheeze about the petition; there are plenty of chaps who simply have to hang about in odd corners while they’re waiting for classes or stay down to lunch. Well the girls and staff have one—we might one day !” But will they? MAURICE E. HOLDERNESS.

m u r o w m g O ld.J ROW old along with me . . . . the best is yet to be.” (( -rr To my mind the thought behind the quotation is wonderful. It conjures up visions of a man and a maid hand in hand, in the Spring-time of Life, gazing with bright, fearless eyes, and proudly held heads, along Life’s highway. Fearless, because they are ignorant of what is to come; proud, for they are to step out together, away from the home liest; and a little arrogant, as that is the way of youth. The Summer has passed. They still cling hand-in-hand, albeit a little desperately; for Summer brought so many pitfalls—such sudden storms and thunder-claps, such blazing sunshine. Now Autumn has arrived. Here comes the welcome medium after variable summer. Autumn merges into Winter. Ah ! Wonderful Winter ! So nice to rest one’s tired old bones in a comfortable chair, and look through the window down the vista of Life’s brave and courageous years. Still hand in hand, but looking now with acre-dimmed eyes made bright with the hard-won knowledge of yeais, and head slightly drooping with Life’s many knocks. No arrogance, now ! For arrogance is born of ignorance; and Age is wise. "Youth is wonderful with all its mystery and unexpectedness; but Age is beautiful with its rest, tranquility and wisdom. Each year grows calmer, but each year grows more wonderful, for man knows maid more surely as the vears roll by: so Winter brings perfect understanding. “ Grow old along with me The Best Is Yet To Be !” BERTHA WRIGHT. 66

Iro n Collected by A l l Jolly soon.

Questions for Revision.

Q.: What is a mitral murmur? A.: Please, sir ! the government of the Church by Bishops. [Pub: Hyg: Final 1923] How do you know that the accumulator has a sense of humour? Q-: A.: Because it is always losing its gravity, sir ! [Wireless Inter: 1999.] Q.: Why do the Biology folks know so much? A.: Because they live in the Crow’s nest ! [Day Training Dept: 1933.] Q.: When is knowledge a dangerous thing? A.: When it is so obtained that it is dangerous to use it ! [Confidential Thesis: 1927.] Q.: Why are chemical students deaf and dy(e)ing? A.: Owing to the climate and atmosphere they have “ each a poor ear !” [Dark Sayings from India and the Light of Ayesha Current.] Q.: What is wrong with the Physics notebook system? A.: They put too much on record. [Elem. Sci. Div. ] Q.: Is there anything at all wrong with the Stinks Department? A.: Rather short of balance. Overhead load not counterpoised by under ground stress. [Struct: Mech: 1866.] Q.: What is wrong with Engineers as a family? A.: The baby has a too light body which requires rather more crooning, is too much given to crying and is far too much buttoned up ! [Psych, of Children Ed. Dept., 1886.] Q.: What is wrong with the “ Electrical Engineer ” as a Speed Boat? A.: Well, the brook divides rather abrutly here, but with a good will and a light cox we might get enough swains. After all, when one goes into two we have a 100 per cent, increase ! ’Smarvellous ! Q.: How do you fasten down tongues? A.: Put them under a suitable Ward with appropriate key. [Dom: Sci: Inter.] Q.: What do we do at the Enquiry Office? A.: Ring the bell, then wait and see ! [The Quest, 1918.] Q-: What is the derivation of Kenworthy? A.: Please, Sir ! it is from the Scots ken=to know and Eng. worth=value. We thus get a valuable hybrid word meaning “ to know a good thing at sight.” ‘ [Life. 1914.] Q.: What is a Bored of Studies? A.: Please, sir, it is a wooden arrangement intended to illustrate the folly of too many books. [The Augury. Nov. 1912.] Q-: Why should fire chiefs wear blue glasses? A.: They are too keen on “ hose.” [C. F. Hoseer. ex Song of the Solemn’uns.j 8

Teacher (giving Pelmanised intelligence tests): Now, my boy, what does the word Bruce suggest to you ! Pupil: Please sir ! Spider ! Teacher: O.K. Pass friend. Now what links up with Spider? Pupil: Er-er-er fly er,—er—er—web—e r - e r er er parlour, sir. Teacher: Um ! Yes ! rather gloomy. Now look ! it is a bright day outside ! What does fly suggest now? Pupil: Summer----- spring----- Yes, Cuckoo ! Teacher: Absolutely perf----[Here the record broke.] [Extract from Board of Ed. Report, 1877.] Q.: How would you clean out a College Office? A.: Please, sir, hold a Concert in the Large Hall with tea given by Mrs, Northumberland ! [Classes for Char Ladies, 1932.] Q.: Why does the turtle mock? A.: Because the chicken wore goloshes (hie ! hie !) when it raced through the College chicken broth ! [Puck, 1917.] Q.: Stands Cambridge where it did? A.: Write to Palethorpes. [Butchers’ Monthly, 1933.] Q.: What is Geology? A.: A method of making botany and wages spin out. [Timber and Liggers Annual, 1944.] Q.: What is an Argonaut? A.: Please, sir, an airship filled with helium. Q.: Why is Huddersfield so free from arsenic? A.: Because the Marsh test is always on tap. [Analyst (out of print), 1921.] Q.: Why is a chemical laboratory bench like the forty thieves? A.: Please sir ! it comes to a sticky end with boiled oil. [Cleaners’ Manual current.]

M is s G im ders n n H E ugly sisters were delirious with excitement. They were going to the prince’s ball. “ Quite a charming old thing, 1 believe, my dear,” said the first to her fair counterpart. “ Wonder which of us he’ll fall for,” smirked the other. “ Better wait and see,” was the terse reply. Seven o’clock struck, and they departed upstairs to dress; but made a speedy descent—in fact they burst in simultaneously with what is known professionally as a “ dramatic entry.” Cinderella quailed before their withering glance. The first sister spoke, the light that never was on sea or land— especially land—flashing in her eyes. “ Cinderella, my rouge has gone. Don’t say you haven’t seen it. That rosy glow speaks for itself.” “ Yes, and where’s my palm olive?” Cinderella was about to remark that its absence accounted for the absence of the schoolgirl complexion, but, drawing on past experience, she wisely refrained. 9

Preparations for the ball were in full swing. “ Can’t I come too?” wailed Cinderella.^ ( Takg

? Why, ]0ok at your hair.

Don’t you know the

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dress> Don’t you know that knees are no longer

worm inderei^ djd not know anci could not look, because her two sisters were performing contortions in front of the mirror. However, she took their word for it, and said no more. . £ A £ . . .. ,. As the taxi drove off, Cinderella sat down in front of the electric radiator and began to cry. But immediately her fairy godmother appeared, and worked^the well-known transformation. ,, A A . A1 Cinderella attired in something that shimmered and floated, entered the ballroom in the middle of a Paul Jones. The prince, really rather bored with it all was just drifting towards the bar again, when he caught sight of the resplendent Cinderella. Rubbing his eyes to make sure that he really had seen her, he made his way towards her. They found that they danced rather well together. Throughout the evening Cinderella knew she ought to be remembering something, but exactly what that something was she could not think. Not until the castle clock was booming out the last stroke of twelve did the fairy godmother’s parting injunctions flash into her head. “ ’Scuse me,” she murmured briefly, and “ Well, I’m ----- ,” exclaimed the prince, and slipped out after her. The only trace of his fair partner was a dainty silver slipper which lay in solitary splendour on the steps. “ Is this a souvenir?” he pondered. The problem was too deep for his intellect to solve. The next morning, as Cinderella was going round with the Hoover, there came a ring at the bell. The Prince’s chauffeur stood there, with a small attache case in his hand. In answer to Cinderella’s lifted eyebrows, he explained that the Prince was ready and willing to marry the maiden whose foot was the same size as the shoe in his case. Instantly, the two ugly sisters came forward to try on the shoe. On their failure to pull it off (or rather to get it on), their mother wished to try, but the chauffeur explained to her tactfully and patiently that she was ineligible. “ Will you bring a shoehorn?” asked one sister. “ Or a shoe two sizes larger?” said the other. The chauffeur politely demurred, and was just about to depart when Cinderella came shyly forward. “ May I try it on?” she asked. The chauffeur silenced the opposition, and taking no notice of her sisters’ remarks about the holes in her stocking, she proceeded. She tried the shoe and found (of course) that it was a perfect fit. When she produced its twin, there could be no doubt that she had won the competition and the hand of the Prince. The Prince paid a call that day, and was persuaded to stay for afternoon tea. He did the same on many subsequent days. And the ugly sisters found that Cinderella had her points after all. But Cinderella could, unfortunately, not return the compliment. Which was a pity. For the sisters ! PHYLLIS KAHN. 10

Drawn by Charles Cadley. 11

OoalUH a r L a lx AN ODE TO A DISMAL ABODE. (Tune: Little Brown Jug). 1.

There is a place I know quite well, Some people liken it to Hell ! The fires and floods and pungent fumes Would drive most people to their tombs. Chorus: Ha, Ha, Ha, you and me, “ Coal-tar lab/’ don’t I love thee; Ha, Ha, Ha, you and me, “ Coal-tar lab,” don’t I love thee.

Our members are of various kinds, But all with small unbalanced minds; We’ve long and lanky, short and fat, All grinning like a Cheshire cat.—Chorus:

Of doctors there are but a few, We thank our stars we’ve only two; One is large, the other small, But neither’s any good at all !—Chorus:

There’s H.H.H., our nursemaid he, He dangles Arnold on his knee; He smiles upon us as we work, And spanks us soundly if we shirk.—Chorus:

There’s Ernest Walt, the ping-pong champ., I fear his spats will get quite damp; Whenever, toiling up Tom Lane, Poor Walt goes “ Beagling” again.—Chorus:

And then there’s Joe, who fills the rooms With nasty, noxious, nitrous fumes; He does his best, and he’s a dab, To etch the windows of the lab.—Chorus:

Our Viking, Wolf, ’s a mighty man, Built on a prehistoric plan; His massive chest, his matted hair, He should have been a polar bear.—Chorus:

There’s William Geoff, who spends his time In making knots upon a line; Of Sullivan we get so sick, We’d like to hit him with a brick.—Chorus: 12

But Joseph Harold, clever lad, He makes the hearts of chemists glad; At finding things he is a “ knut,” He knows where everything is put.—Chorus:

10.

Horatius is of classic fame, I think it is a beastly shame; His “ spots ” produce a frightful smell, And clouds of N H 4 Cl.—Chorus.

11.

Young Ralph, when asked: “ What is a Therm?” Replied: “ It is a slangy term; Correctly said, Thermometer,” “ Hoots Mon !” cried D. Kerracher.—Chorus:

12.

Now Hubert many hours must wait, While phenol liquors nitrousate; A colour sense he seems to lack, His white precipitates are black !—Chorus:

13.

Poor Arnold, now, the noise and din, Has made his hair get very thin; And worry, too, has made him ill, He has to keep an eye on Bill.—Chorus:

14.

Some visitors we like to see, There’s Captain Buckley, L.S.D.; His visits anxiously we wait, But, damn his eyes, he’s always late.—Chorus:

15.

If you should wish to see this spot, Remember it is very hot; Take bayonets two, and pistols three, And let your will in order be.—Chorus: NANKI-POO.

EDITORIAL NOTES (Continued). they see what they did not mean to say in print. We should like to add that we cannot consider contributions unaccompanied by the writer’s name (in confidence if desired), and that we do not publish successes of students— some have been sent in, in an unsigned note. If we did so we should have to fill pages with them; and this is not an advertising medium. We leave trumpet blowing to institutions that have to blow hard to keep going.

The pillion girl may not be romantic but she still clings to her youth. The only things the modern girl can knit are her eyebrows. —P. M. G. 13

[From a letter from Leonard Durham, who went to Madrid last year with a travelling scholarship.] AST Sunday afternoon I went to my first bull-fight. It was very excit ing. There were a lot of people there and altogether six bulls “ went west,” also one poor old horse which got in the way. It is rather a gory sight, but as the animals gave no cries of pain (which surprised me very much) one’s compassion is not as greatly aroused as would otherwise be the case; indeed, not being accustomed to the scene, it is rather difficult to realise that they are really in the throes of death. The bull-ring is circular, raised in stone tiers. Cushions may be hired at the entrance, and thus a comfortable seat is secured. There are cheap seats in the sun (too hot to be comfortable), while those in the shade are more expensive. I had previously booked my seat in the shaded part, and had a very fine view. It is quite an attractive sight. The glorious sunshine, the “ sea ” of straw hats, ladies’ fans gently waving, the gay colours, the sparkling clothes of the bull-fighters, and the fluttering banners make a pleasing picture. First of all a bugle sounds, and two very finely-dressed heralds, with plumed hats and mounted on good horses, enter the arena and ride round in opposite directions, doffing their hats to the spectators. They withdraw and to the strains of music the whole crowd of performers enters the arena! i f aie *en sparkling “ toreros,” wearing contrasting uniforms such as blue and silver, and red and gold, and carrying pink capes; three picadors, riding old, worn-out horses and carrying lances, and finally a team of gaily-decorated mules with uniformed attendants. After^ a bit of showing-off, they all leave the arena except for four toieios, and the bull is let into the enclosure. The bull is always very fimce (I am told that they are mad with hunger and ill-treatment) and vervgnLflI m at 0ne a,?d ? en an?ther of the “ toreros.” When the animal gets vei> near the man he does a fancy trick with his cape and steps aside or the fnclosme ^ 3 Mtt'e barrier Iike a aghtboarf at the side of “ n i c ^ n W r f f f0Urx1l e'- hat e g.iv<;n sufficient exhibition oi their skill, the picadors ncle in. Their entry is heralded by a fanfare of trumpets. The ThroSeSriaiei ° ne SLde blindfolded and armoured on one side with padding. theYreni ^T h ? h.m h° T clo,s^.to ,the barrier with the protected side facing the bid! q thrill * I.usl.es at the horse, and the horseman meanwhile gives Gemb“ the,bac^ W11t,h h,s lance (he looks something like St. bv the bnif !r! u 1^ 01^ ' flUsUa,Iy the horse is wounded, lifted off its feet fho 1 3L .’ and the nder flung out of his saddle on to the ground. Then from n PCthe +h FUground. Sh \° SaVG him’ detracting the attention of the bull from th"e the Trlin man Con wbea dle bud concentrates on one man (not usually the r fp ’ ‘ • en 5?n ^ dlawn from one to another) for he has then to do some << f ? out> which must be very tiring. Sometimes he has to 1 1 ’ anc vaults over the boards at the side of the arena like a shot. 14

Once the bull tried to jump over the barrier after him. They have been known to do this on rare occasions. It was just in front of me—-you should have seen the folks getting ready to scoot ! } ° UlcI , .,ihor“ i havin§ done their work, three other men ( Bandenlleios ) take part. Each has a long dart (“ banderilla ” ) about a th VV °u ’g WAth f oIo4red ribbons round it, in each hand, and each man attracts the bull s attention in turn. _ The animal rushes at him, and, as it lowers its head, he sticks both darts in its shoulders, and jumps smartly aside It is very cleverly done—I shouM not like to try it ! After the three men have finished the bull has from three to six darts sticking in its back, and at least one nasty hole from the lance-thrust. It is now bleeding freely, but will fight to the last The darts jog about as it charges the men, thus irritating the wounds and maddening the animal to a state of frenzy. It is here that the principal performer steps in—the “ espada,” or chap with the red cloth and a sword. He goes through some very graceful passes and side-stepping, avoiding the bull’s mad rushes with seeming ease until the animal appears stupefied owing to its repeated failures to reach its tormentor.It stands still, staring at the man. The “ espada ” then takes his sword from within his red cape, draws himself upright, tensing his muscles and takes careful aim with his sword (held in the right hand) at the bull’s most vulnerable part. He shuffles his feet something like a boxer or a golfer does so as to get his correct distance, then, as the bull lowers its head for another charge, the “ espada ” leaps forward and plunges his sword up to the hilt in the animal’s body (behind the shoulder). He then steps back, and standing up straight, raises both arms aloft, awaiting the applause, which is not long in coming. The bull slowly crumples into a heap, and a “ torero” steps forward and stabs it to the brain with a dagger, thus finishing the work. The mule-team is then driven in, and the bull is hitched to the draw-bar and dragged swiftly away amidst rousing cheers. The bull-fighters who have done the smartest work then parade round the arena, saluting and acknowledging the applause. Some of the spectators throw their hats into the arena, and the bull-fighters throw them back. Ladies wave their handkerchieves. I didn’t throw my hat in the arena or up in the air either—I might not have got it back and it’s a new one ! After a “ musical interlude ” a fresh bull is introduced, and the next “ round ” is commenced. What 1 have described is a good fight. Sometimes, however, the “ espada ” fails to despatch the bull with a single thrust (he may have to make two or three attempts) or a display of cape-work may be poor, the man appearing to be a little wary of his own safety. In this case, instead of clapping and applauding each piece of trickery, the crowd whistle and boo, and shout “ Send him off,” “ He ought to be a milkmaid, not a bull-fighter,” and other similar remarks. The pass which gains the greatest applause is a very neat one, in which the “ torero ” sweeps his “ cape ” over and in front of the bull’s head, takes advantage of its astonishment to give it a smack on the nose with his hand, and, turning his back on it, walks “ unconcernedly ” away, his cape over his arm. I bet he is ready to run at a second’s notice though ! A comic touch is sometimes added by a man dressed up as Charlie (Continued on Page 17.)

Is i k e A n s w e r to Y ouir P ro lb e m

e re ?

If not, DON’T sit and BROOD. Send it along. LET US SOLVE your worries. By the Human-cum-Technical-cum-Medical Expert. PLEASE NOTE.—Our H-T-M Expert will be pleased to answer any questions by post. Send stamped addressed envelope, together with P.O for 5/- to cover overhead and underhand charges, court expenses, etc. MEDICAL PROBLEMS. O.L.—The noises in the ears are caused by wax. The remedy is in your own hands. When taking your toilet never forget the ears. * CHEMIST. The lump on youi head is probably due to overwork. You must lest 16 houis in bed daily, and take 12 blue pills twice nightly until it disappears. J PESSIMIST.—The answers to your questions are1. Yes. 2. No. 3. Only on Mondays. r ~ i aCk °f P^.rticu£ rs as to sex, age, wage, height, length, breadth, depth, occupation, hobbies, and previous illnesses prevent me from giving a reply. Write again. p p k|ApPY MAID.—I am afraid so. Consult a doctor without delay. mRKRYiTF^j f aSe '? h°Peless- Takc a dessertspoonful of rat poison. and o u g h tto b e ’shol ^ y0Ur haS g° ‘ distemPer PUZZLED.—Try “ Harpic.” °J. yT l,0Se would be caused by falling down the BLOWN IIP PMivTnf dlsc°,ouratlon »s due t0 alcohol. Drink less beer. ° ^ v e A r A ^ i bl of.,?psom salts’ 2ozs- of brimstone and treacle, 3 dav after nipak (Let rSi P*me S’ know Yater what to 0116 gallon> and fake three times a day attei meals. happens). HUMAN PROBLEMS.

ntDni’r A ^ i eCaUSe ‘lif

P rJsmi,ed when you trod on her toe, it crude ThP ri/ , mean *bat sbe cares for you. Your methods are too If s h A i n b hacl H-me y°uI(ca‘cb her eye, wink. (Note, not blink). SPOT i Wl lks, back> dive in- ^ she doesn’t, try some other dodge A R & J . ' n n0 reply until you forward ‘he P.O. g uunclei n d e the rth A i ^ r ^ 0* SiJrp',isf d' under. You should "ever ask a girl to come mistletoe. Push her blank n idknnrkP,m,ialhi thiati bit where the comedian says, “ You blank IOYPf h ■k ? y ' blank blankety head off. Ha ! Ha ' Ha ' COURTFRHL f n0t WOrt 1 a moment’s consideration. Forget him. I prefer the^Ynal^h *2 11S 0wn taste- Grimscar is nice, but personally

hdpppiti

.,e canal bank °n a moonlight night.

ina nowfoMhe r i passeci a §irl on the way to college every mornspeak to her \!/hS f S1X | am sure sbe likes me, but I daren’t t am I to do?”—Keep on passing her, “ Hopeful.” 16

I have made enquiries, and find that the “ girl ” is known locally as the “ merry widow,” and is the mother of two children. She is very partial to innocent young students. TECHNICAL PROBLEMS. MATHEMATICIAN.—Your problem is quite simple. Instead of substituting X for Y, you have made the common error of substituting Y for X. This gives you the inverse tangent of factorial twelve, plus or minus the seventh root of nineteen; which, of course, is ten times too large. Using Simpsons’ Rule, and dividing through by decimal two, the answer comes to the second derivative of 1/3d. TEXTILE.—Perhaps. I always wear botany serge, well worsted, in summer; and pinstripe, or whipcord crossbred, in winter. STOCKBROKER.—Those shares are worthless; I had some. CYNIC.—You had better be careful, sir, or I will prosecute you for libel. SAD PUNTER.—It serves you jolly well right. You should have backed the one I gave you.

I a le

w if li

a IMLoral.

INSPIRED BY A RECENT ACCIDENT. There is a noted lecturer On Physics at the Tech., Who gaily rode a motor-bike And nearly broke his neck. By falling on his head too hard He raised a lump of woe, Whereat to all his friends’ dismay His hair needs lengthy grow. It really does not matter much, As each one doth remark, It makes him look quite musical, Like Hambourg or S. Bach. So out of evil cometh good, As all of us have found; For now ’tis patent Physics does Include the branch of sound.

A. 0. J.

A BULL FIGHT (Continued). Chaplin (they call him “ Chariot ”), who sits in the middle of the arena on a high pair of steps. As the bull rushes at everything which shows signs of life, he has to keep as still as possible when the animal is near him. Some times he just flinches, and the bull rushes at the steps and up flies the clown in the air. The men with the capes have then to rush up quickly and engage the bull while “ Chariot ” picks himself up ruefully and regains his seat on thp cfpnQ LEONARD DURHAA4. 17

ew are

N o n ^ S m o t:ers«

HAD spent the day at my widowed aunt’s place in Stockport, and, as is usual after these trying times, I felt rather inclined to have at least half an hour’s jollity before my tedious journey home to Huddersfield. Now in Stockport “ The Green Dragon ” provides decent fare, and here one can hear good concerts gratis, to say nothing of the good beer one can buy. So to the “ Green Dragon ” I made my way, and, having partaken liberally of the aforesaid nourishment, I felt quite at peace with the world. My train, the 9-20 express, was in the station when I got there, and, without any pre-meditation, I tumbled into a non-smoker. In the corner farthest from the corridor was seated an elderly lady, who was possessed of a very dreary looking countenance, and seated on her knee, evidently in sweet content, was one of those frightfully horrid little animals we call “ Pekingese.” Having passed quite a cheery “ Good evening, Madame ” (for which I received a very cold glare), I seated myself directly opposite her. Now when one is travelling one must not annoy fellow travellers by ceaseless prattle. This little rule of etiquette was rigidly observed. The monotony was only disturbed by an occasional yap from our pet “ Fido,” and this earned a gentle reproach from her ladyship. Unknown to this strong, silent woman, “ Fido ” busied himself chewing one of her gloves. As I mentioned before, I had visited “ The Green Dragon,” and, as is wont in these places, I had left several “ sixpences ” behind. In return for my “ sixpence a pint ” stuff I had been given that light of head feeling called by learned ones “ inebriated.” When, and only when I’m in this condition, do I smoke. I had purchased some 3d. cigars for which one pays 9d., and very unforgettfully I lighted one of these. Soon the carriage was full of that unpleasant aroma remindful to one of the times when one pays 8s. 6d. for a theatre seat. My poor unfortunate in the corner alternately coughed and moaned. Her dog suffered in silence. Realising the wickedness of my action, I ventured to appease her feelings by lowering the window. This seemed to quicken her anger, and she, incoherently, murmured something about ring ing for the guard. By this time we were approaching Huddersfield, and no doubt we all remember the tunnel just outside the station. The train crept into the blackness. I thought the old lady had resigned herself to her unhappy fate when, suddenly and without warning, she leaned forward, snatched the cigar from my mouth, and threw it through the open window. Infuriated at this un warranted attack, I lost my senses, jumped forward, and grabbed the first thing of the old lady’s I could lay hands on. Fate decided it should be “ Fido,” and the poor wretch followed my 9d. cigar into the blackness of the tunnel. Two short minutes elapsed, during which time the old lady and myself breathed out murderous hate, and then the train ran into Huddersfield Station. With agility, surprising for her advanced years, the old dame jumped from the carriage ere the train stopped and chased along the plat form. When I gently strolled along, some seconds later, she was coming towards me with the Stationmaster, elegantly adorned by a shining “ topper.” 18

ThSS r r h/ 5c?ost^d me and brutally asked for an account of my misdeeds, and why I had dared to smoke in a non-smoker. I was liable to a penalty ! ! ! Just when I was about to make answer and excuse, what do you think came out of the tunnel? Why, the little pet “ Fido,” of course; and what do you think the sweet little thing had in its mouth? The cigar? No fear; only its tongue ! J’AI DIT.

C om m on

In c o m e rs 0

That a gentleman charitably purchased two tickets for “ A Kiss for Cinderella ” and then asked the doorkeeper on the night of the play to sell the tickets for him. That someone booked two separate seats for the same entertainment and returned in great agitation to have the seats put together. That the following conversation was overhead:— Mr. X (of the staff): I notice you have been paying attention to a great many girls lately, G-------- ge. Mr. G.: Girls, Sir ! Have you seen me with girls? Mr. X.: Yes, two different ones almost every morning. Mr. G.: 0 ! They’re only spare tyres, Sir ! That the Lecturer on Modern Electric Lighting, in the Large Hall, declared his intention not to refer to the lighting there, and proceeded to add some clear indications of his expert opinion. We wonder if a certain import ant person still sees “ nowt wrong with it.” That a performer at a recent College play went to the ladies’ dressing room to enquire where his pants were. That a member of the Staff recently came in for a windfall of cigarettes. That two other folk thought they were meant for them. LISTENER-IN. I’ll have you know I usta think Long dresses were the bunk— But now that I’ve seen HER in one, I don’t think what I thunk. —The Pine Cone. Before making rude remarks about this paper, just think ! You paid the same price for the College Prospectus. How much amusement did you get out of that? The Daily M----- 1 costs you as much every week—merely for fire lighting ! You can buy a dozen Mock Turtles for the price of a Chemistry text book—and who th e -------- wants to read Chemistry? 19

J lie C a ta ly s t, The word “ catalyst” (from kata=down, and lusis=loosening) is word of extraordinary significance in scientific work, and, in the writer’s opinion, only needs to be understood to become widely used in a popular sense. In the olden days a good working definition of a catalyst was “ a substance which would bring about chemical change under circumstances which, in the absence of the catalyst, would not favour such change ” More over, it was held to be an important property of a catalyst that, whilst it did promote chemical change, it did not suffer material change. This definition although hardly of sufficient rigour to satisfy a critical modern scientist did good service in its day. As an example one might quote the interesting device sold as a gas lighter which only required to be inserted into the stream or gas and air issuing from a gas burner to bring about the ignition of the gas. The lighter, itself quite cold, suffered no specific change. Unfortunately it was liable to be poisoned, presumably by small amounts of im purities in the gas. Such then is a catalyst, and to the writer the parallel between a catalyst and a good organiser is of interest. What is a good organiser if not a person who gets things done with minimum effort and friction? Could he ° r, L n0t d.escribed as one who. whilst appearing to take no actual part in the operation he directs, is still inextricably mixed up with every p ase ot the work under his control? To continue the parallel, does not the State' s ^ h e ^ v e n fr l?ome, ou‘ the campaign of work very much in the same u went Int? lt? Should he so attempt to mould his organisation mH ,pe‘‘Ct T ° Ut Wlth T V Pr°Pertl'es, such as honours, money, perquisites’ ideaP Sure?v th^*’ W1 n0t h,S ?r§ailisation suffer and fall short of the idea1, purely, then, an organiser is a human catalyst. Nay he might be w o rth ^ p u ^ s e m° re S,mply aS 3n honest raan> with some drive and no unSAMUEL MODDEN. ❖ * * w ❖❖ *v ♦*> ❖

'I "I »♦»»»♦»»»»»»»»»♦♦«

FO R E V E R Y T H IN G E L E C T R IC A L CONSULT

V. L

a y c o c k

* 1*

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS and CONTRACTORS,

12, C L O T H * , Tel. 1023.

HALL

STREET.

-> ❖♦> *

HUDDERSFIELD.

* ^ * * * * * * ^ * ^ * * * * * ^ * * * * * * * * * ^ * * ^ * M * tM ^ t * * * * * * ^ 20

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“A KISS FOR C IN D ER ELLA / AS PRODUCED BY H.T.C. STUDENTS. FTER many preparations, much forethought and frenzied rehearsals, the plav was ready at last ! December 14th was the date of the production, and never was a date awaited with more anxiety on the part of the producers ! The actors and actresses themselves were ready with their parts, most of them were eager for the success of the show, but I am afraid that one or two deserted at the eleventh hour. The helpers, chiefly the men students, be it noted, were full of enthusiasm. The stage lighting was carried out under the direction of Messrs. Barker, Cooke and Gray, assisted by the first year electrical engineers. The effects were really very good, and much credit is due to their efforts, which helped to make the production such a success. For a success it was, in spite of the many diffi culties that had to be overcome, and the almost hopeless dilemmas of some of the participants. Unless one has personally assisted in the production of a play, it may be difficult to realise the extent of the work involved. But we had many kind friends who lent articles and gave much time to the play in their spare moments. Our grateful thanks are due to Mrs. Hudson, the Sketch Club, the Matron of the Ministry of Pensions Hospital, Kirkburton, to Mr. Lockwood and Mr. Barden, of Shelley, and to the Manager of the Hippodrome, for the loan of various properties, and to Phyllis Milner for help in many directions. The lamps were supplied by the Electricity Department, and the nominal charge was paid by a member of the Old Students’ Union. Mr. Hamer kindly gave permission for the statue of Venus to be transported, at great risk, into the Large Hall ! The members of the Woodwork Class were also very helpful in making various necessary articles for the stage, and to them we tender sincere thanks for their work. Mrs. Hudson and Miss Waddy geneiously provided the supper provisions for the artistes, and Mr. Hadfield and Mr. Sykes kindly offered their valuable services in the orchestra. The stage permit and the licence for the performance of the play were paid for by the sale of pencils, organised by members of the Library. It is a great pity that the play was not supported by more members of the College; The bulk of the audience were people who were not connected with the" College, but who had bought tickets out of interest • or kindheartedness. It is surprising, but very gratifying, to discover that some people will come many miles to see a Barrie play, d here was one dear old soul who trailed up the College staircase and along the lengthy corridor to the Library to purchase a ticket ! She had been attracted by the bold advertisement outside the portals, and could not pass without seeking a ticket, as she loved to watch a Barrie play. 1 admire her taste. Bid one must remember that it is not easy to produce a Barrie play. His style is so whimsical, and bordering on the fantastical and unieal, that a good deal of imagination is necessary on the part of the players. The Technical College Students certainly acquitted themselves well. \\qNIFRED M. AKED.

H.T.C. SWIMMING CLUB. We are again at the beginning of a new season, and hope to see all the old faces and a good number of new ones at the Baths this year. We extend an invitation to all members of the Staff and all Students to become members of the Swimming Club. A subscription of 6d. only is levied; this helps to pay expenses, and provides a few prizes for competition laces at the end of the season. If you are a swimmer we shall be pleased to see you; if a non swimmer then we shall endeavour to help you attain proficiency in the finest of all exercises and sports. The club hours are:—Monday: 12 to 2 p.m., 4 to 7 p.m. Members are admitted to the baths between the above hours at a reduced charge on production of club card. THE CRAWL STROKE. Style and speed can be improved by developing the “ crawl ” stroke. The following is the six beat American crawl as used by most speed men: STARTING POSITION. Float on water face down, head natural posi tion, back slightly arched, heels slightly below surface of water, and the whole of the muscles relaxed. ARM MOVEMENT. This is a cycle of three motions: (1) Move arm above head as if reaching. (2) Exert pressure steadily downward until the arm is directly below the shoulder, bend elbow slightly, and continue pull with forearm. (3) At the finish of pull as the hand reaches the surface, turn it away from body, palm facing the water. The forearm is then brought round in a semi-circle, and is thus in a position to carry forward again with the next stroke. The actions are continuous, the right arm commencing the pull as the left is recovering. LEG MOVEMENT.—This is a natural movement from the hips and is made downward and slightly inward continuous. The toes should be pointed and the beat taken by the instep. The timing of leg beat is three drives to one of the arm, or two leg drives to one arm pull, as is best suited to the swimmer’s physical construction. The feet should not break the surface, but the heels only. BREATHING.—Turn head to one side, but do not turn body. Breathe as the arm reaches forward, using mouth and nose. Exhale on the arm pull. Do not destroy body balance by dropping the shoulders. OTTER. H.T.C. TENNIS CLUB. After a lapse of a year or two the Tennis Club reopened last year. The court was situated in Woodside Road, Lockwood, and was the source of many pleasant hours between members. The season was very successful, and included a tournament and dance; both these activities also being successful. The tournament was won by Dora Rawcliffe and Clifford Wood. The club will carry on again this year if a court can be obtained, and the subscription will be 5/-. It is hoped that many new members will join. THE QUOTATION BOOK. No one ought to publish a book of quotations unless a separate page is provided for each quotation. For each is either not worthy of print, or it is 22

a gem worthy of a setting of its own and consideration by itself. The most scintillating jewel of wisdom looks a little tarnished when placed beside the latest limerick; and it is a serious, almost an actionable matter, but that the poor fellows are dead, to treat in this way the master thought of a Shakespeare or Euripides. However, setting aside these counsels of perfection, we must congratulate the producers of the College Quotation Book, in aid of the local Ex-service Men’s Trust Fund, on having got out a really well produced book, containing a quite remarkably high proportion of interesting and illuminating quotations; and if they have had to thread their pearls on a string, without separate settings, they can at least claim that gems are commonly so exhibited. A^oreover, in a miscellaneous collection of quotations, contributed by all and sundry, there is sometimes a little delight to be found in their unsorted confusion; as when the frightfully smug remark of one contributor is completely annihilated by a very fine quotation immediately following. We do not know why ex-students’ quotations have a section to them selves, like outcasts, at the end of the book. Or is this a special honour? Be it as it may, the book is a creditable and entertaining shillingsworth. C. R. THE MIXED HOCKEY CLUB. It is gratifying to record a distinct all-round improvement in team work, to which must be attributed the remarkable run of success which has followed the club throughout the season. Such success is largely the work of the defence rather than the attack, inasmuch as the excellency of the former has allowed the latter to concentrate its energies on the problem of discover ing weak points in the opposing defence (where such have existed). The side is not without its faults; that is only to be expected. Neverthe less the season’s results do serve as a useful indication of the strength of the side, especially when one takes into consideration the number of matches which have been played away from home. G. WHITTLE. F IX T U R E S , 1 9 2 9 -3 0 . Ground. Date. Opponents. Sept. 19th— Storthes Hall .......... Oct. 5th— Stairfoot .................. „ 12 th—Thurlstone.................. „ 19th— Keighley .................. „ 26th— Stairfoot .................. Nov. 2nd—T h u rlsto n e............... „ 9th— Storthes Hall ........... ,, 16th— Chapel Allerton ... .................. Home ,, 23rd— Pudsey ................... „ 30th— South Bradford ... .................. Away Dec. 7 th—Hopkinsons ........... „ 14th— Ovenden .................. „ 21st— Wakefield Hospital ................... Away ,, 28th— St. Chrysostons ... ... ........... Away 1930. Jan. 4th— Chapel Allerton ... .................. Away ,, 1 1th— Hopkinsons ........... „ 18th—South Bradford ... ................... Home ,, 25th— Storthes Hall .......... Feb. 1st— Y.W.C.A. (mixed) .................... Away „ 8 th—Walton ................... 15th— Ovenden .................. ,, 22nd— Fccleshill .................. 23

For Agst. 1 ... 5 3 ... 12 1 ... 7 2 ... 13 3 ... 8 1 ... 4 1 ... 8 I ... 5 2 ... 4 3 ... 6 ... Postponed 6 ... 5 4 ... 3 0 ... 6 ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

2 2 3 9 8 3 8 1

3 2 2 2 1 3 2 1

Mar. 1st— Eccleshill ....................................... „ 8th—Keighley .......................................... „ 15th—Walton ........................................... „ 22nd—Y.W.C.A. (mixed) .................... „ 29th— St. Chrysostons ........................... April 5 th— „ 12th— Pudsey ............................................ „ 19th—Hopkinsons .................................... Played. 22

Won. 16

RESULTS TO DATE. Lost. Drawn. Goals for. 3 3 128

Home Home Home Home Home

... ...

6 2 Postponed

Home Away Goals against. 46

GYMNASIUM. It is a remarkable fact that while so many people aspire to become gymnasts, few will ever take the trouble to become such. By the term “ gymnast ” I do not mean the professional acrobat or strong man, but limit it to the person who, by suitable exercise and perseverance, has eventually reached the condition of perfect bodily fitness. The joys of such a state must be experienced to be appreciated, and its value is still further enhanced when one considers that it is the forerunner of both mental and moral fitness. And yet, with all the advantages to be derived from this form of exercise, the attendance at Mr. Graham’s class during the dinner hour is still very meagre. When one considers that admission to these classes is gratis to all full-time day students, it is still more remarkable to find the persistence of such small classes. Ignoring the fact that some people dislike strenuous physical exercise in this form, I personally think that the cheapness of the classes is the real cause of such a lack in interest. Nobody appears to value anything properly until he or she has either worked, or had to pay for it. So, when adipose tissue and shortness of wind become apparent, they will look back with regret on their “ golden chance ” to cultivate the physical habit which, then a pleasure, has now become worse than toil. G. WHITTLE. SKETCH CLUB EXHIBITION. ( On February 28th and March 1st the Sketch Club exhibited their work in the College Hall, and gave a particularly good presentation of Jerome K. Jerome’s play, “ Fanny and the Servant Problem.” The Club had evidently worked hard to make the play a success, and the parts appeared to be remarkably well cast. It is almost invidious to distinguish where all worked together so well; but C. B. Shore as the Butler might have been born to his part, and Miss N. Burrows, as Fanny, and C. Smith, her Business Manager, gave notably good performances. The machinery of the play was perhaps less perfect. The curtain, as one expects in amateur shows, gave trouble, and the make-up might have been improved in some cases. But these are minor matters. Altogether it was one of the best performances we have seen in the College. The Exhibition contained an interesting variety of work, notable for numerous fine drawings of the human head. Those by M. Lodge, C. B. Shoie, A. Taylor, A. James, M. Parkin, and a bold study of a youth’s head by K. Smethurst are worthy of particular mention, among others. Many posters of distinct artistic merit were exhibited. But an advertiser would complain, we believe, that many lacked point as advertisements. The Sketch Club Exhibition is always well worth a visit. 24

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