THE MOCK TURTLE
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THE MOCK TURTLE A
R e v ie w and
o f th e
L ife ,
I bought
H u m o u r o f th e
H u d d e i a f ie ld
I echnic& l
C o lle g e
STAFF. Editorial: CHARLES RECORD. E. P. SHEPPARD. IRENE TOPPING. ALBERT LOWE. Business:
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There s a and
he's
Purpose treading
NUMBER SEVENTEEN.
just on
behind my
me ,
tail."
APRIL, 1933.
WHEATLEY, DYSON & SON SUPPLY
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lE tu to ria l N o t e s , They had not gone f a r before they saw the IMock Turtle — A lice could hear him sighing as i f his heart would break. - ‘ What is his sorrow? she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered - ‘It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on!' So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full o f tears, but said nothing. —Alice s Adventures in Wonderland. “
THE TERM now ending will be remembered, if we pull through to Easter with nothing else going wrong, for Flu and Snow. The former bisected some classes, while leaving others almost untouched, and vivisected some of the staff—at least they felt “ cut up ” about it ! Students were never sure of their lecturers arriving, nor lecturers of their classes. The snow, from Thursday, Feb. 23rd, to Sunday, 26th, fell on us, offi cially, to the extent of 40.68 inches, according to Ravensknowle Meteorologi cal Station. On the Friday evening would-be evening students were fleeing, from tea-time onwards, as they learned of the blocking of roads and the failure of trams and buses, in the hope that they might yet be able to reach home, and for some days after the more distant of our flock realised the disadvantages, or otherwise, of living remote from civilisation, as represented by the noble pile in which we toil. OURSELVES. Huddersfield, we were told long ago, on first making its acquaintance, cares for nowt but music and “ brass,” and mainly the latter. As we can supply neither, and must extract the latter to keep going, it should be a matter for wonder that the College Magazine has reached its Seven teenth Number. Its continuation has more than once been in doubt. Twice we have made money—a few pounds at least—and lost it. Again we are in a lean year. It has even been proposed, in the Magazine Committee, that this should be our last issue. There will, however, be new blood in the College before we are due once more to raise our hats and present to an admiring (with qualifications) body of brass hunters (with less qualification) our eighteenth issue. In the meantime we address ourselves to the old bloods ! You, dear reader, have, presumably, purchased the copy which you read, and are therefore not the man we should like to talk to. But we want your backing. Our critics—usually folk who never lift a finger to help—tell us, mainly, that the Magazine is not worth sixpence and there is not enough in it. That is true, in the commercial sense, of all College Magazines. If The Mock Turtle has not a special interest, as your own College Magazine, it is probably not worth buying. The limited circulation, which goes with the special interest, limits the quantity of matter that can be printed. We think the magazine worth while—it keeps members in touch with the life of the College, fosters an esprit de corps, and is a medium of expression open to 3
all students. If it is worth while, help us to increase its circulation, and we can produce a better magazine; send us your own work and ideas to print, and our quality may be better. And we want help to sell, if we are to find buyers. No volunteer is too late. If the magazine is not thought worth buying it will certainly have to stop. TWO BRIGHT SPOTS relieve our pseudo-chelonian gloom this term: the timely financial aid accorded by the organisers of the Shrove Tuesday Dance is acknowledged with gratitude; the generous co-operation of the School of Art, and its genial and energetic Head, enables us to decorate this issue in a way that will render it more worthy of the talent which the College nurses within its walls. We herewith present to our readers a limited edition of prints from original wood engravings. This alone is worth the price of the Magazine. The admission that College Magazines are not worth their price does not apply to this current number.
HEROES OF THE SNOW. (Lines written on the Stairs). The The The And
snow fell long and silently; snow fell deep in Hudd. Staff were sticking to their posts, waded there through mud. Of course, they always should. For some came down in shooting kit, And some in varied togs That must have braved a hundred snows, And many a thousand fogs. A Band of Gay Old Dogs ! But one man, without whom the Coll. Most certainly must shut, Delivered was like frozen meat, A bit of beef or mutt. An’ that’s not all, tut-tut— He came down in a butcher’s van, Amongst the flesh and snouts, And when it stopped outside the Coll., They couldn’t sort him outs, The careless lot of louts ! For Tom was there with Walter, And Wheelhouse there with Bell. Our hero stammered something sweet; Consigned the batch to—well, One really shouldn’t tell ! 4
D e b a te s . The arrangement of regular debates by the Day Students’ Representative Council has proved a greatly appreciated addition to the life of the College. The standard of debate has been distinctly good, and speeches have been characterised by sincerity rather than a desire to score debating points. This is as it should be in general, and the student who ignores such opportunities of sharpening his wits, and seeing the other fellow’s point of view, is missing something which, trivial as it may often seem at the time, is one of the intellectual advantages that College life can afford him. Although organised by Day Students, our Evening Student readers may be assured that they are welcome to these debates if they can arrive in time for them. Two suggestions we would make: first, it might be worth while, for once in a way, to arrange a debate on a subject about which no one cared anything, so that the fervour of partizans might give way for once to the intellectual fun of case-making. A gathering many years ago, in the College, put up quite a good contest on the subject, “ Are red cabbages greengrocery?” We dare not suggest such a subject to our earnest orators of to-day; but a subject of little more importance might reveal debating brilliance amongst those rather numerous patrons who appear shy of getting on their hind legs to 5
proclaim the faith that is in them. Secondly, Chairmen should be given instructions as to a time limit, and should insist on its observance by everyone —staff included. In carrying, by appreciable majorities, the motions in the two debates of this Term, “ That the Nation as a unit is obsolete and That Socialism will replace Capitalism,” the College, or the articulate part of it, has aligned itself with the “ revolutionary ” tendency which has been revealed as characteristic in recent years of student life in this country, and which has been noticeable in Universities abroad for many years past. It is not often that student debates acquire a nation-wide importance; but that has undoubtedly been the case with the now famous Oxford resolution, “ That this House will, in no circumstances, fight for its King and Country,” carried by 275 to 153, and subsequently, when a determined effort was made to have it reversed, by the enormous vote, for the Oxford Union, of 750 to 138. The interest aroused has led other institutions to test feeling on the matter. The motion was carried at University College, Leicester, at the Manchester University Union by 371 to 196, at Bristol and London Universities, and was lost at Birmingham. At Nottingham, the University College Authorities opposed the debate, and it was cancelled, and at East London College, the newly-appointed Principal, a military officer, and late Director of Military Studies in London University, intimated that he would consider the holding of the debate a personal insult, and it was cancelled. We are informed that the result, there, would have been doubtful, so the Principal was, perchance, a bad propagandist of his view. Quite the funniest incident, however, was the letter to the press from Clifford Allen, explaining that he could not have supported the resolution. Allen was Chairman, in 1916, of the largest organised body of men who actually refused to fight in the First World War, and is an ex-prisoner on that account himself. He is now Lord Allen of Hurtwood ! It has become a habit with old men, since the War, to tell the youth of the country that the future is in its hands, and it must do better than its fore-runners if the errors of the past are not to be repeated. The Oxford resolution would appear to be the first clear answer on the part of youth, and we gather that many of the mongers of the platitude have been more than a little shocked and disturbed to find themselves taken seriously. It is, of course, a purely negative answer. Something positive and constructive must supplement it if “ the pulse of one fraternity ” is to beat more strongly than the drums of Mars. —C. R. i
ii in
immmmammmmmmmmmmmmammm
Phone 2176.
Archard,
FJ3.0.A., F.N.A.O., F.I.O., Consulting Ophthalmic Optician, 48-49, UPPER MARKET HALL, HUDDERSFIELD. Consulting Hours: 10 till 7 Daily. 6
(SEEN OUR SNAKE?) The Biology Dept, are anxious to trace the whereabouts of an enormous python, which escaped from its cage early in the morning of March 4th. Fellow students are warned to take all precautions against this infernal pest which has been launched into our midst. This amazing discovery was made by Keeper Heeley, who, on entering the cage of two of these reptiles, was astonished to find both the creatures at large. He immediately organised a search for the elusive creatures, and was successful in finding one of the snakes not far from its abode. With great presence of mind, and all the deftness of a snake charmer, he grabbed the now writhing reptile by the scruff of the neck, and here ensued a terrific battle between man and beast. The snake was eventually dragged back to its cage. It’s mate having entirely disappeared, Inspector Crow was immediately summoned from Scotland Yard to cope with this frightful situation. March 6th. After two days of exhaustive searching we were intensely relieved to hear that the serpent had been sighted, and after a thrilling chase the ferocious creature was returned to its cage, with all parts intact. Great credit due to Keeper Heeley and Inspector Crow, who only just averted a disaster of the first magnitude. STOLEN— 1 DOGFISH. , . _. , _ . u An audacious robbery was recently committed in the Biology Dept. It was discovered that a valuable and rare fish had daringly been taken from a tank of these marvellous creatures. No anxiety, however, is felt, on account of its absence, as its high aromatic concentration is apt to prove fatal to the holder. . Any one who can offer information as to its whereabouts is asked to keep the news quiet, for we are sure it will announce itself within the next few days. ELEMENTARY PHYSICS. If the angle of incidence is equal to the angle of reflection, what are the reflections of the students in the N.W. and S.W. corners of the Entrance Hall? If the sine of the angle or refraction has a constant ratio to the sine of the angle of incidence, what is the angle of refraction of the above students at the sign of the opening of the office door? Calculate the calorific values of the rays reflected from objects at the N. and S. heads of the main staircase on to the students in the above corners. When do these values reach their maxima? If the result of reflection induces a student to straighten his tie, calculate the energy expended in this manner: (a) at 5 p.m.; (b) at 9-15 p.m.; (c) on Wednesday evenings. 7
S to c k
i a c t ics !
INDIGNATION OF CROWD AT RECENT MATCHES. (From our Special Correspondent). Consternation was recently caused in the Common Room by the intro duction ot Shock Tactics play into the Ancient and hitherto Peaceful game of Pl"geP^ | nce Team appear to have been the chief aggressors in the first place Don Juan being a menace to both opponents and spectators, and the Humanists have sent a cable of protest to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ping Pong Pills, against the play of the above mentioned team, stating that they considered it “ ----- dangerous, unsportsmanlike, and likely to cause permanent injury to the friendly relations existing between the two departments” (?). f The S.C.M. were called in to arbitrate, and when the plaintiffs were crossexamined it was discovered that they too had aggressed by driving a ball with great force into the eye of a long-standing member of the Chem. Dept. Negotiations soon broke down, however, with much bad language. (The S.C.M. is a Low society). _ . .. . Further strife occurred when the Humans, as opposed to Body Line play, produced rubber bats and commenced the Spin scourge, which was carried to extremes by Little Willie and Reg. Strong measures had to be taken to prevent these two exponents from playing the deuce. Don Juan states that he will buy no more balls until his own are returned to him ! He’s a man of stiff standing principle is Don Juan.
The News Agency.
L. Fairbank. 8
I only see ahead for me And you, eternal misery. How wrong, when every nation takes Into their own hands, God’s laws And makes the air noxious. The planets are obscured: the sky Is filled with metal birds. Men die Because of man’s stupidity. What must we do? For you and I Are useless alone. Futile is prayer. Why should we care? So let us live and quickly burn Away short life. Our faces turn From dark thoughts of death and strife, And wildly sing, and laugh and dance. Defy destruction’s swift advance. •
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My restless thoughts I know are mad. But deep within, my soul is sad.
G. H. B.
COMMON ROOMERS. A whistling tube is being attached to the outside wall of the College, from the Ladies’ Common Room. This will no doubt prevent, in due time, important gentlemen beneath continually “ tooting ” the horns of their small cars The knotty problem of the Large Hall was recently taken in hand by the members of the Rugby Club. The Students’ Common Room continues to fulfil its useful purpose. Students can now be found there always during class hours. The College has been affected this term by many epidemics. Several members of the staff have had influenza, and many students are suffering with “ cranium distendum.” A queer bookworm which drew attention to itself and incidentally to many members of the staff by trying to dig itself into the 25th signature after 7 p.m. on March 1st has been transferred to the Book of the Dead in the College Library. It is hoped to use this room for the propagation and breeding ground of bookworms, the majority of the volumes having been found suitable for nesting. A rumour that the Office Staff, when missing, are always found in room 33 (kitchen) is unfounded. The fact of the room having two doors hardly lends itself to that theory. 9
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Sir,—I believe that the following extract from the “ Police Report and Butchers’ Gazette” may be of personal interest to some of your readers:— “ A youth answering to the name of Lewis was observed wandering one early morning on the Fair-Banks of Douglas Water, near Paddock, returning from a Booth or Booze at a birthday party, with friends. Bewildered by the latter and aggravated by the howls of an animal in distress, they sought safety in a Police Box at Paddock Head, where they remained until rescued by a constable from the claws of the infuriated animal which had taken refuge on the roof.” The said young man is believed to be associated with a flourishing stunt in the Art Dept., and he, with his co-partner in crime, are hoping that the story will get into the Prints that the animal they heard and saw, in dupleCat, was a tiger. Moral—Avoid carrots and cauliflower at parties, especially when done up in pink ribbon. A CAT. P.S.—I would like to know, “ Who is Montague Spaghetti?”
It is rumoured that Blackburn intends to present “ The Octoroon ” to the Biology Department as an illustration of Mendelism. Immediately upon receipt of this news we dispatched our special representative to ascertain the views of the College authorities and others on the subject, and have pleasure in purveying black information to our readers. Biology. “ Our dominant interest lies in the recessive character, which is said to constitute one-eighth of a whole octoroon. We shall insti tute an immediate research into the question as to whether this character is diffuse or appears in patches.” Art. “ Our interests are well known to lie in black and white work, but we have always maintained that it would have been more harmonious to have swathed ‘ The Octoroon in a parti-coloured sheet, than in an all-white one.” Mathematics. “ ^=1/23. It is obvious therefore that the encroachment of white capital over the rights of the black can only be rectified by the appointment of a committee to determine if possible whether an all black coon is a practicable alternative to a part black hybrid. Engineering. “ We have ordered a portable grinding machine which we hope will deal effectively with the black stain.” Dyeing. “ We are quite willing to remedy the defect, either by dyeing the remaining seven-eighths or bleaching the odd one-eighth. Textile. “ The pattern analysis of ‘ The Octoroon ’ is extremely simple. We have started to weave a cloth of the necessary design to keep the black portion warm.” 11
Office. “ Tell Tom to order some more feather whisks.” Inland Revenue. “ We have to inform you that the installation of ‘ The Octoroon ’ will render the College liable to the payment of tax pur suant to the provisions of the Entertainments Tax Act.” Borough Treasurer. “ The area occupied by ‘ The Octoroon’ will be rated in proportion to the areas occupied by the black area and the white area respectively (if any). If uniformly coloured the rate will be uniform.” Town Manager. “ Town will protest strongly against the transfer from Blackburn (Rovers) of the notorious forward, Octoroon, whose playing capacity is absolutely nil.” BIOS. We reproduce with pleasure a photographic study of The Octoroon.— Editor.
“ THE OCTOROON.”
THE MOCK TURTLE AMONG THE PROPHETS. In a recent issue we published a story, “ Pioneers,” of the invention of a power driven substitute for the heart, and the results to be expected there from. The following in the “ Huddersfield Examiner ” justifies our anticipau S‘7~n ^ Moscow Institute has developed an 1artificial heart,’ which, w en fully perfected, is expected to revolutionise methods of operating on the . ,eaJ" an<^ °ffiei organs. The heart of a living dog was taken right out of its body and operated on while the ‘ artificial heart ’ kept the body alive. 1 ^ eS WerG taku? *n ^eart . . . the dog has survived. In aHySJxteen dogs were subjected to such operations. They are all alive to12
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S ta f f N o te s, The activities of the Long Vac and resultant expenditure of energy in the Winter Term seem to leave the Staff in a somewhat comatose state during the Easter Term. At least this scribe can find little to report. Maybe the coma is not entirely unconnected with excess of good cheer at Christmas. Possibly it is induced by an unholy partiality for the secret vice of concocting exam, papers wherewith to pester students at Easter, when Spring is in the air and the thoughts of the said students are turned towards, ahem ! other points of the compass. Whatever the cause may be, things are dull, and faits accomplis give place to whispers of deeds to come. We owe apologies to Dr. H. Clay for omitting to record in our last issue the bestowal by London University of a Doctorate Degree. He has lately been appointed an inspector under the West Riding Rivers Board. Another recent appointment is that of Dr. J. Nixon as research chemist at the Cor poration Sewage Works. Our late professor always defined practical organic chemistry as “ the production of a tar which went down the sink.” Hence it 13
would appear that these two members of our Staff are following their re searches in the Coal Tar Department to a logical conclusion. Reminiscent of an old song is the theme of a research by a member of the Biology Staff who is trying to find “ Where do fish go in the winter time ” in the Holme Valley. We respectfully suggest that possibly they swim up the outfalls from the mills and ultimately appear in the boiler rooms as “ fish and chips.” Their subsequent incineration may be indeed the cause of the black smoke we hear so much about. The Art School continues its tonic efforts. So successfully indeed that several “ old timers ” on the staff confess to having visited it for the first time in many years. We understand that the mural decorations were much ad mired and Venus de Milo remained draped. The “ Boy and Goose,” how ever, still remain in a state of pristine innocence. To this intrusion on its sacrosanct seclusion the Department retaliated with valentines. Quel gaucherie ! Artistic efforts of the Department will be on view from March 22nd on ward at the Public Art Gallery in the Huddersfield Art Society’s Exhibition. The School’s own Exhibition will be held some time during the summer at the Art Gallery. This, no doubt, will be one of the social functions of the year in Huddersfield. We regret that we cannot give the exact date as it is not yet fixed; but we hope everybody will note these two events and support wholeheartedly the “ doings ” of their colleagues and fellow students. The Staff held another tea-fight on March 3rd. Attendance was some what thin, noticeably amongst the ladies, owing to other engagements. The partiality of the Staff as a whole for tea will induce the writer to sit further off the tea urn at the next meeting. We welcome the return of Mr. Kitchenman after his illness and also of the numerous other members who suffered for varying periods the infliction of the rnoden plague—influenza. Mr. McKerracher sends us more encourag ing news of himself and hopes to be among us again in the near future. We are asked by Mr. Lodge to say that any member of the Staff who likes to drop in at the meetings of the Mining Society and hear how things are done down below will be assured of a hearty welcome. First hand information about the underworld ought to appeal to the more religious minded, if only to give them an idea of what they will escape. COMING EVENTS. April. “ Leave it to Psmith ” (Wodehouse), by the Huddersfield Technical College Dramatic Society. Producer: Miss J. M. Waddy. Later. “ The Professor’s Love Story” (Sir james M. Barrie), by the H.T.C. Social Service Team. Producer: Mr. Wilfred Watkin. Summer Term Play Readings. Parents of some students have again kindly promised the privilege of holding these play readings at their own homes. Informal addresses will be given, plays read, and discussion later. 1 hose who have friends who are unemployed are cordially invited to bring them along. Will those interested please send in their names to Constance E. Armitage, hon. secretary, c/o the Library. 14
THE STUDENTS' REPRESENTATIVE COUNCIL. During the past term the S.R.C. has made great strides towards making the general life of the College more congenial for the students. Some very successful debates have been held in the Ladies’ Common Rooms, during which hitherto unsuspected debating powers of various students were revealed, in conjunction with some splendid contributions by members of the Staff. Other events of a like nature have been arranged to take place in the near future. The S.R.C. dance was an unqualified success, everybody spending a very happy evening. We should like to appeal through the medium of these columns for more support from the students. It is our intention to renovate and make “ homely ” the respective common rooms. When, and until, this is done we should like all students to assist in making the atmosphere of these rooms worthy of these improvements. The existing furniture has been renovated; a suite, comprising two easy chairs and a settee, has been acquired; also a considerable amount of crockery, together with a gramophone and various other odds and ends which go to make rooms comfortable. In many other ways, too numerous to mention here, the S.R.C. has proved, during the last few months, that it is not altogether redundant. For sup port in the past we thank you and give you a hearty invitation to future events. H. F. (Secretary). RUGBY CLUB. The Club has sent no report to the Mock Turtle; but we have heard from The Cup.
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SKETCH CLUB JOTTINGS. The Sketch Club finished the unusually quiet Christmas term with a party held in the School of Art on Tuesday, December 19th. For some time before the event there had been ardent discussions on the “ eats ” question, and it was finally decided that a meat pie would be a welcome change from the usual trifles. This proved to be the case, and it is rumoured that the remains of this pie, after an existence of several eventful days, finally left this life breathing hard, or, at any rate, in short pants. The annual dance, held on the 9th December, was such a success that it was immediately decided to follow it with a similar one. This was held on February 10th, and socially justified the decision. At this time of the year (February) it has been customary to hold the annual Exhibition. This year we have postponed it until the 6th and 7th of October, when, as usual, it will be held in the Large Hall. Several members of the School of Art wish to thank, through these columns, the “ Anonymous ” senders of Valentines, and also to remind those persons that the good taste cultivated in the School of Art is intended tor use on ALL occasions. About this time also we received complaints from the President of the “ Place and Dab Fisheries Board ” regarding inconvenience caused by a certain caller ’erring in his duties. Whilst the Sketch Club can not accept responsibility for occurrences of this nature, we sympathise with the above mentioned President, particularly as he is so overworked, it having been brought to our notice that he is made to wash windows as early as 1-dU on Sunday mornings. To extract lemonade from sealed bottles without damage to bottle or seal is at no time an easy task, but the Sketch Club was able to prove to an influential section that this can be done, and it may be remarked that tne efforts of this section were a little late to “ meat ” the occasion. He who laughs last should laugh behind locked drawers.
For BETTER BATHING WEAR, SPORTS SHOES, Etc.,
E. Hellewell Carter & Co., Ltd., THE RUBBER STORES, HIGH ST., HUDDERSFIELD. 16
t PRINT CLUB. The Print Club, which the Sketch Club recently inaugurated with the intention of widening its activities and creating a beneficial interest in the town, has made a wide appeal, not only to the people of Huddersfield, but further afield. Mr. Malcolm Salaman, the world’s best known critic and writer on prints, has accepted membership. The Club is greatly honoured and its prestige is certainly enhanced by this association with Mr. Salaman, who offers his best wishes for its success. We are astounded by the gratifying response to the appeal for founder members, and it may become necessary to limit membership and to form a waiting list. By payment of a subscription of 10/6 per annum members will receive an etching, woodcut or other print mounted and of a value of not less than one guinea. Limited editions of these prints, which will be chosen from the work done by Sketch Club members, will be issued at the exhibition in October. Print Club members will be invited to attend this function, at a time specially reserved for them, when, in order to satisfy individual tastes, they will be permitted to choose one of several selected prints. The Committee will be pleased to show to anyone interested in our Club examples of etchings and other Prints, now being done in the School of Art. LILIAN STOCKDALE, LEWIS H. FA1RBANK, Hon. Secs. SHROVE TUESDAY DANCE. - The Annual Joint Societies’ Dance was held in the Old Masonic Hall, by kind permission of the local branch of the British Legion—for services rendered by the Huddersfield Technical College Social Service Section during the past year. Despite the raging blizzard, a really good turn-up of students supported, and this dance, as in past years, was quite the most enjoyable of the season. The Organizers wish to express their thanks to Mr. Mettrick, who again gave his invaluable services as M.C., assisted by Jack Barr and Clifford Scott, and to the “ Arcadians,” who contributed so greatly to the enjoyment of the evening. Five pounds will be shared equally amongst the Student Christian Movement, the School of Art Sketch Club, the College Magazine, the College Dramatic Society, and the Social Service Section of the College. 17
Inspecting the Ground.
R» Greenwood.
HOCKEY CLUB. Considering this is the first season of the Ladies’ Hockey Club, it has been quite a successful one. Up to the present we have won and lost abou an equal number of matches. . We have been lucky in the matter of a playing field, as the Education Committee gave us a new one at Moor End after Christmas. Several fixtures have already been arranged for next season. All new members are welcome, and should give their names to Misses Mollie Dugdale, Eunice Battye or Margaret Schofield. The results are as follows:— Oct. „ Nov. „ „ „ Dec. „ „ „
15— Brighouse ........................................... 2— 3 22— H a lifa x ................................................. 3— 4 5— E lla n d ................................................... 3— 4 12— St. Cuthbert's ..................................... 8— 0 19— Y.M.C.A................................................. 2— 1 25— Lydgate ............................................... 10— 0 3— J.C.S.P.S.C.................................... Cancelled. 10— Heckmondwike.................................... 3— 1 17— Huddersfield Ladies II...................... 9— 3 31— Mirfield ................................................ 3— 8
Jan. 7— Norton Ladies ................................. ^ 5 „ 14— E lla n d ............................................. • • 3 „ 21— Penistone .................................... Cancelled^ Feb. 4— British Dyes ...................................... q „ 1 1— Heckmondwike .................................. „ 18— Brighouse Vic.................................... Drawn‘ Mar. 11— L yd gate................................................ „ 18— Y.M.C.A................................................. „ 25— Berry Brow ....................................... Apr. 1— Brighouse Vic.................................... „ 8— Norton Towers ..................................
She was only a lamp-lighter’s daughter but she had acetylene legs ! “ A man is alleged to have died in London after suffering from a piano in the stomach.”—Daily Paper. 18
THE STUDENT CHRISTIAN MOVEMENT. The work of the College S.C.M. continues with unabated energy. Every Tuesday, at 1-15 p.m., in Room 39, we hold a study circle, to which all are invited to come and discuss questions relevant to the Christian faith. In addition, excellent discussions have taken place after tea on Fridays during the past term, led by Mr. Record, Mr. F. W. Pickles, Capt. Smith, and Mr. E. P. Sheppard, to whom we express our grateful thanks. Make a note of the next meeting—March 31st: “ Communism and Christianity,” Mr. Hampshire, to be held in the Women’s Common Room, at 4 p.m. It is hoped to arrange for Mr. Stuart Craig, the secretary for Manchester University S.C.M., and inter-collegiate secretary, to come and speak to us again in the near future. A Student Service was held on Sunday, Feb. 19th, in New North Road Baptist Church, conducted by members of the S.C.M. The committee would like to take this opportunity of thanking Mr. Middlebrook for the privilege granted, and also for a very generous gesture indeed. The College S.C.M. is hoping to organize a fund for the Unemployed Club, recently opened. Donations may be sent to Miss Mary D. Smith (Treasurer), or handed to her personally. Let us remember those less fortunate than ourselves. ALBERT LOWE, Sec.
Hockey ♦ Cricket
♦ Football
♦ Tennis
FOUR GOOD SPORTS FOR GOOD SPORTS. FOR GOOD SPORTS REQUISITES—Go To
EMMERSON’S BROOK’S YARD, MARKET STREET.
’Phone 1371.
Why should we, I ask you, condemn us sens, To find that, when cricket or tennis ends, Though we may have a score, Our opponents have more? Let us replace our has-beens at EMMERSON’S.
THE SPORTS’ OUTFITTERS CARDS, PING-PONG, and other Mild Vices, are also provided for. 19
SOCIAL SERVICE SECTION. GOODWILL WEEK. In response to the Mayor's Appeal, during “ Goodwill Week " members made small dresses and under-garments, etc., tor the children of the local unemployed. These were distributed by the social workers to needy cases. Constance E. Armitage and Eileen Chaffer were in charge of the work, and the students—particularly those in the evening classes—responded splendidly to the call. The funds were provided bv the Old Students’ Union for the materials and wools required. On behalf of the Cinderella children’s treat, a small party was held. The organisers for this part of “ Goodwill Week ” were Barbara Wood and Margaret Robson. The proceeds amounted to about two guineas, which was handed to the Cinderella Society for the annual treat. We are now affiliated to the BRITISH DRAMA LEAGUE, and have the privilege of using the League’s Library. Borrowers pay their own postage. It is hoped, during the summer term, to form a Play Reading Society. Those interested are asked to give in their names to the Hon. Secretaiy before the end of the College Session. The National Council of Social Service will grant two tree studentships at each of the British Drama League’s forthcoming Vacation Schools. These studentships are available to bona fide unemployed persons, and only to those who would be willing to use the instructions received for the benefit of their fellow unemployed. Further particulars may be obtained from the Hon. Secretary. All students willing to help those less fortunately situated than them selves are earnestly invited to join the Social Service Section. DRAMA FESTIVAL. The College Social Service Section entered a team in the Preliminary Competition of the National Community Drama Festival, at Victoria Hall, Huddersfield, on Feb. 24, with Act 1 of “ The Professor’s Love Story (Sir ]. M. Barrie). The Adjudicator, Mr. Michael Watts, commented very favourably on the first act of the “ Professor,” but the team must learn to play to time. “ The play was well done,” he said, “ and the absurdities of the absent-minded Professor were very cleverly and neatly achieved by Mr. Wilfred Watkin,’ (who was also the Producer). Clifford Scott infused more “ pep ” into his work than most of the players in his thankless part of the bombastic British M.P. Excellent work was done by Barbara Wood as the youthful Dowager. Helen Wyllie’s fascinating scenes with the old Professor earned her the commendation of the Adjudicator. Marjorie Gray, too, caught the spirit of the piece, and gave a very dignified —yet sufficiently quaint at times—interpretation of the “ Girton ” girl, who hopes in secretarial work to find her vocation, but eventually finds—a husband. The reminiscences of University days of the Professor and his old college friend were most effectively and sincerely treated. The “ academic ” atmos phere, which the Adjudicator praised highly, was helped by the academic and professional equipment loaned by the Heads of Departments, and the setting of the oak panelled library and book-cases, which were kindly pro vided by the Thespians. The one great fault lay in not playing to time. The team was placed third in order of merit. 20
TABLE TENNIS CLUB. This newly-formed organisation is now one of the most flourishing in the College, and has a membership of about 40. An inter-departmental tournament has been arranged, and the final stage has been reached. The results are as follows:— Science beat Engineering. Humanistic Studies beat Science. The final will be between Humanistic Studies and the Staff. With regard to club matches, the team has every reason to be proud of the results. The first two matches were both played away, and owing to lack of match ex perience and the strange tables, these were lost. A very good team has now been got together and, as a result, the last three matches have been won by wide margins. Against Fartown Trinity, the team were beaten away, but easily reversed the result in the home encounter, and it is hoped that the same result will be achieved with regard to the Economic League. The success of the team is mainly due to the splendid lead given by the captain, Pilling. He has played remarkably well, and has victories to his credit over Shuttleworth (Economic League) and Moorhouse (Oakfield Tennis Club), and, in addition, his previous experience has been a considerable help to the team. He has had very good support from the remaining members, all of whom have contributed equally to the team’s success. The following is a list of results and fixtures arranged to date:— Date.
Opponents.
Venue. Result. Away 10— 15 Feb. 14— Fartown Trinity ........... Away 8— 17 „ 23— Oakfield Tennis Club ... Home 19— 6 Mar. 2— Examiner Office ............. Away 19— 6
Dec. 15— Economic League ...........
Mar. „ „ „ „
7— Fartown Trinity .............. 9—-Oakfield Tennis CIu... 14— Y.M.C.A. (Juniors) ... 16— Economic League ... 21—N.A.L.G.O............ Home
Home Away Home Home
20— 5
In conclusion, we would like to point out that there is no truth in the rumour that Asquith was selected to represent the College in the English Championships. SHARPS AND FLATS. “ Wiltshire Musical Festival.” Trainer sent for trial. —Local Paper. Mr. X.—the yell-known baritone will delight you. —Scottish Music Journal. Pulpit Supply. Organist free to deputise June, July and August. —Scottish Advert. Kreisler’s smooth, velvety tone, at one time scintillatingly white, and again a deep, soft, rich heliotrope, remains astonishingly pure and true. —Newcastle. What a magnificent writer of talkie operas Wagner would have made ! If he had only known what A1 Jolson knows ! —Modern Youth. The following appeared on the church notice board. “ The Rev. X. will preach on ‘ What is Hell like?’ Come and hear new organ ! All wel come.” Junior Exam. Paper: Jigs are written in compound cripple-time. 21
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. “ La Fille aux Cheveux de Tin.”—Debussy Concert Programme. Saxophone and Trumpet Player could conduct or teach dance or brass bands; good engineering experience. —Advert in Lancs. Paper. L.R.A.M. wishes to meet well-known ’cellist with view to an engagement. “ We had a very moving performance of the anthem, ‘ Fierce was the wild bellaw ’ by the choir.” —Parish Mag. We would get far more people to our services if only the music was good. Bach is unsatisfactory. Modern youths want gymnastics on the organ. —Ambitious Organist. The conductor gave the Messiah a new lease of life. —Music Critic. Oh ! 1 adore jack Hylton for tea, and I really relish Roy Fox for supper— of course, 1 don’t mind a bit of Bach mixed in among. No two persons can think alike, hence duets should be condemned as being illogical. —Rausseau to Gluck. The prophet on the concert was very small. JARVIS.
Taking one consideration with another, with another; A Biologist s lot is not a happy one / ’ ’
The Technical College is a square black building in a pseudo-gothic style, over the door posts two weary lions support shields, and a plain, un pretentious chimney belches forth foul smoke from its midst. It looks stolid, even to stodginess, and is brightened only by the common room curtains, fluttering in the breeze, if any, and even they are funereal. The saddest thing about the building is that it is so well built that it will last for ever. The vestibule is dark, and contains numerous notice boards, arranged to give the minimum effect with the maximum of over-crowding. The few pictures present appear to be a representative collection of all that was dingy and uninteresting in late nineteenth century art. Much has, of course, been done to alleviate this gloom by posters on the stairs leading to the Art Depart ment, and illustrations on the corridor leading to Biology; but the portraits on the opposite corridor make you thankful that the college is not inhabited by mathematical geniuses. On a Monday morning I rush up the stairs almost or slightly late—our tram route is cursed by an insufficiency of trams in the right direction at the right moment, and travelling at the right speed ! 1 throw off Sunday garments, and by clever dodging, secure 1 sq. mm. of mirror before which to straighten my hair. I hurry along the corridor to the Biology lecture room and take notes at high pressure for an hour. Then, suffering from acute mental in22
digestion and a strained tympanic membrane, induced by having to swallow innumerable long complicated terms, almost invariably devoid of euphony, except for one or two which you can’t forget, such as “ nictitating,” 1 leisurely gird my loins in the armour of an overall, which has a sickening odour of chemicals mixed with an indescribable odour of things dead and long since dissected. I haul a dog-fish from the stinking, oily depths of the tank, where several dog-fish jostle with two rather high cods and a fierce and spiny skate. A fresh young dog-fish is a thing of beauty and a joy for ever, with its spotted coat of a velvety pile—but an old pickled dog-fish, with its innards hanging out, has a skin like the chin of a man who has not shaved for a week, and a stench which all the perfumes of Arabia could not mask. I derive intense barbaric pleasure from pulling out its eyes, and by imagining it is Hitler, or anybody else I disapprove of, the cutting out of its gut becomes not only a pleasant duty, but a thrilling experience. Strangely enough, 1 have the same difficulty in finding its brain as I imagine I should have in finding the brain of most of our modern statesmen. Ultimately, it is time to return Doris to her odorous home. Doris is a good dog-fish, she did her duty nobly by providing me with two beautiful complete egg cases just ready for throwing out, but in later life she has developed softening of the brain, which, to say the least, is sad, and to say a little more, a nuisance. During lunch I regret ever having thought that fingers were made before forceps, and were better fitted for pulling the dog-fish to bits. If I bring my hands within a yard of my nose I can imagine what Billingsgate must smell like if ever there were a porter’s strike. In the afternoon, the lecture tends to pass over and around me, as I am in that state bordering on coma which follows a good meal, and is helped by a stuffy room. I sit at the window during practical, and find that my razor has not only an edge on which one could ride bareback to London in comfort, but one which would provide an excellent practice ground for bugs wanting to learn mountaineering. Having done some clever work with a stone and a few drops of aqua pura, I begin to cut sections. It is an absorbing occupation, requiring about 90% of your attention, the rest can be devoted to discussion or to admiring the view. The view from the Botany lab. window is, I fear, neglected by those who say beauty is in the eye of the beholder; but it would give tremendous scope to the modern realist. chimney cowls cut against sky, inky excrutiating lobsters, fat men dining at the Ritz; motor tyres scattered amongst broken baths; hoardings; gay, gaudy, sickmaking, a blood blood orange floats flatulently on the rim of a hypochondriac wash basin; 23
stunted, ugly, black trees; a lean cat moves stealthily towards a dustbin, empty salmon tin. Oh, My God ! Enough, I must concentrate and cut a section so thin that 1 shall probably lose it whilst straining. It is four o’clock. I gather together my goods and chattels, and go to the home of Bacteriology, a room hardly big enough to swing a filter-passing virus round with safety. Here I learn morbid details re the number of bugs I drink per c.c. of milk, should I ever be so intemperate as to drink a whole c.c., and find that in so doing 1 have probably given 4,000,000 bugs a pleasure cruise along my alimentary canal—it’s rather nice of me, don’t you think? During the practical I help media with repulsive names, such as M’Konckey’s Bile salt agar, and try to count an infinite number of infinitesimal short fat rods on the field of my microscope, only to find that they are on the eye-piece, and try to decide whether they are mauve or purple. It has the compensation that as we are doing milk, I am allowed to drink the remains. If you want interesting and thrilling, but hard and smelly work, I advise you to take biology at the Technical College. I hope that chemists, com mercials, engineers, mathematicians, and others, will some day realise that biology is not merely a question of gathering flowers and counting their petals or keeping silk worms. History: “ Oliver Cromwell had a wart on his nose but underneath he had deep religious convictions.” English: What is the name given to a position for which one draws a salary, but no work is attached? Answer: A Godsend !
The End of It.
L. Fairbank. 24
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