The Mock Turtle - No. 16 by Heritage Quay

CHRISTMAS 1

SIX PENCE

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THE MOCK TURTLE A

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NUMBER SIXTEEN.

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CHRISTMAS, 1932.

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E D I T O R I A L

N O T E S

What need we any spur but our own cause, To prick us to r e d r e s s ? —Julius Caesar.

HE social activities of any community are governed by two factors; the character of the community, and the conditions of the time. Students are part of a great educational system, and of a still greater universe. Their social activities should, therefore, fall into two classes. The first should be concerned solely with their own affairs, and the second with en deavours to grapple with, and understand, the fundamental problems of life. The Students’ Representative Council has pointed out a way by which students might reach a fuller realisation of their capabilities and their mutual possibilities. It remains with students to support the Council, and to direct its policy by careful selection of members, and by evidencing a genuine interest in its activities. There is an urgent need in the College for a Society which will give opportunity for adequate discussion on the many problems of present-day life; those of Peace, Foreign Relations and Political Policy. A Debating Society would be a great innovation, and lecturers might do their best to assist students to develop it on right lines. The great weakness of our present social activities is that they possess no real or apparent unity. No policy comes to fruition without united impulse. Examination work demands much of a student’s time, and although I wish to preach no heresy, yet I cannot help feeling that it is a mistake for a student to step aside from the main stream of current affairs. The complexity of modern life makes it worth living. It appears to be something of a paradox that we are in a position to give so great a measure of support to the Leeds University Musical Recitals, and yet unable, or unwilling, to encourage endeavours of a similar nature in our own midst. What prevents us from issuing invitations to our own intellectual feast? It would be an excellent opportunity of bringing home to the public the beneficial nature of our work here, and also of providing them with classical entertainment at romantic cost. Pioneers might come to the fore ! To pass to a wider sphere of affairs. I do not know of the existence in the College of a branch of the League of Nations Union, and I consider this a deplorable state of affairs. We are all able to criticise the League; it is new, it is part of the Treaty of Versailles, it is backed by no tradition, it lacks driving force; yet the very fact that it is still existing, and has passed through the confusion of fourteen post-war years, indicates that even if its mechanism is cumbrous, its business confusing, its possibilities obscure, it is, indeed, a step in the right direction—that of achieving World Peace. Moreover, it is the only organised body which has the support of nations, even if that support is only partial; and, to-day, it is the only bulwark against another outbreak 3

of international lunacy. If you are on a raft in the open sea, you might criticise the raft, and you might be afraid, but you would never dream of abandoning it. If students need further information about the League and about Peace organisations in general, why not invite outside authorities to come and deal with various phases of the problem ? I have travelled far enough in years to realise that much is picked up on the way. I understand in some measure the great value of experience. Because of this I appeal to teachers to co-operate with students in the respects I have indicated above. There are difficulties, but they are not in surmountable. The press is full of encouragement and exhortation to Youth. Youth is very immature, there are rough ends and hard corners, misguided enthusiasms and prejudices; the work of the educator should not be to organise a few facts so that they may be assimilated even by the dullest brain, and reproduced at a given moment, but rather to instil a desire for knowledge, which leads to a desire for Truth. We must judge ourselves and our problems at the bar of Truth. —ALBERT LOWE.

Sheet steel crashing, while metallic arms Reach out for yet another chunk Of metal. Now shapeless, but not long to settle In the die, but stamped into the nerve Of some machine or other. Each part like its brother. Oh, thank Your gods that men are not created thus. Heed ! Your wandering thoughts father Perhaps an amputation, or some painful Operation. Soul now no longer yours Arise ! Revolt against this rhythmic Beating of the spirit by machine; Futile thought. Fool ! Serve your lifeless master; Faster—faster—spin the wheels; and eyes Grow fishlike from acceptance Of things as they are. How can I beauty, freedom seek In living Hell for two pounds twelve a week ? —G. H. B. HERE TOO ? There is, unfortunately, a type of mind prevalent in this College which has a profound horror of being suspected of seriousness on any subject other than athletics, pure mathematics or inorganic chemistry.”—The Editor, East London College Magazine. 4

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N November 18th the Students’ Representative Council staged what was, we believe, its first debate. It was well worth while; the level was generally good, and it is to be hoped that others will follow. At Zero Hour, 16.20, rations were served out to the assembled troops in the Women’s Common Room, and the attack began shortly afterwards, Brig.Gen. A. J. Croft in command.

THE HEAVIES. Moved by Peace-Sergeant A. Lowe: “ That all armed forces should be placed under one central authority.” Mr. Lowe was, we understand, a little disturbed at the precise form of the motion, which was fixed at the last moment. He urged that international war was a sham fight between people who agreed on essentials. The real war was against the War Machine in every country, the authority and tradition behind it, and the armament manu facturers who were interested in maintaining it. If the war spirit were taken out of the patriotic ballads which were taught to children there would be nothing left in them. He regarded an international police force as a necessary preliminary to complete disarmament. Col. Ashworth, opposing, asserted that the mover had confused the issue between total disarmament and international control. He pointed to the corruption of the U.S. Police Forces, and claimed that an international force, bribed by the wealth of governments, would be even more corrupt. Capt. Smith, seconding, retorted that the size of the international force had not been discussed. In Mathematics zero was a number. He would support an international force, to be reduced to that number. Modern war and modern civilisation had reached a stage at which they could not possibly co-exist. One was bound to destroy the other. War was an imbecile method of settling disputes and rationally decided nothing. Two Chemists agreeing to fight to decide who was right about the Atomic Weight of Chlorine would be equally sane. The Politicians had failed. We had got to clear out the present type. He would be glad to see the Scientists have a try—he had more faith in them. Dr. Nixon, seconding the rejection, suggested that the air position of Great Britain was already dangerously weak. He did not oppose the abolition of large guns and ships—he was anxious that our armaments should be little and good. The security of our Empire required strong armed forces. Piracy was a danger without them. 5

THE SNIPERS AND BOMBERS. Pte. John Schofield urged disarmament and refusal to fight. He had faith in Science. Organised Religion supported the War while it was on Pte. Hampshire questioned the value of an Empire which needed keeping together by force. All modern wars were commercial in origin—that needed attention if war was to be ended. Pte. Battye would discount idealism, and look at men as they are Patriotism, like business competition, was necessary to keep up efficiency He suggested that the movers might test the real peacefulness of people bv singing “ God Save the King ” in a Dublin Picture House. Many of our troubles were due to the education and consequent discontent of the masses Pte. A. Smith thought education of the people and discontent essential to progress; and Patriotism a sign of lunacy. Pte. Record discounted faith in Scientists. They showed no superior intelligence or competence in public affairs. Efforts for disarmament and international courts of justice and police forces would continue to fail till a new conception of justice and an international outlook made trust between nations possible. Pte. Hirst thought the praise of the soldier overdone, he was a misguided person; the real heroes were the men who refused to fight. Capt. Smith, replying, remarked that Chemists were not Scientists. By Scientists he did not mean men with reputations; but men who used their reasoning powers to deal with the problems that faced them. Nothing was more vital to the World than disarmament. Civilisation could not stand another war without collapse. Those who doubted it simply did not know what war meant. To use tear gas to make men choke and have to remove their gas masks, and to follow with prussic acid bombs was normal gas technique in the late war, and this and similar horrors were an inevitable part of war. The Women’s Auxiliary rendered valuable service with the commissariat; but took no combatant part. It is hoped that an Amazon Battalion will appear in the next engagement. From our Special Correspondent, Moloch von Bellum. The Use of Libraries. Readers who remember the valuable article under this title in our September issue last year, by Mr. H. Goulden, the Chief Librarian of Huddersfield, will be interested in the “ Subject Index to the Lending Library,” which he has now issued at the Public Library, price 2d. This is a valuable guide to all libraries where the now common Dewey Decimal Classification is used, and should be in the hands of all students. FOR WATERPROOFS, LEATHER COATS, RUBBER FOOTWEAR AND ANYTHING IN RUBBER.

E. HELLEWELL CARTER & CO., LTD. THE RUBBER STORES, HIGH STREET. 6

Late 2, Buxton Road.

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H e a d :tien

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(With many apologies to Bret Harte). Which I wish to remark— And my language is plain— That for ways that are dark, And for tricks that are vain, The heathen “ Chemee ” is peculiar, Which the same I would rise to explain. L. Uverniff was his name, And I shall not deny In regard to the same, What that name might imply. But his smile, it was pensive and childlike, As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye. It was April the third, And quite soft were the skies; Which it might be inferred, That Old Stinks was likewise; Yet he played it that day upon William And me in a way I despise. We were sat down below, With text books to hand. Swotting Physics—the same He did not understand. But he smiled as he played with his test tubes, With the smile that was child-like and bland. Yet our labours he mocked In a way that I grieve, And I was quite shocked At words William did breathe, For he plied us with odours outrageous; He was human we could not believe. But the plans were well laid By that heathen “ Chemee,” And the smells that he made, We almost could see, — Till at last he sent down a big shower Which closely resembled cold tea. 7

Then I looked up at Nye, And he gazed upon me; And he rose with a sigh And said, “ Can this be? „ We are poisoned by this whatnots looling, So we went for that heathen Chemee. In the scene that ensued, We both took a hand, And the floor, it was strewed Like the leaves on the strand, With the pieces of this wretch’s carcass— While it lasted it surely was grand. Which is why, I remark, And my language is plain— That for ways that are dark, And for tricks that are vain, The heathen “ Chemee ” is peculiar, — Which the same I am free to maintain. —A. C.

^erything for the Student! WINSOR & NEWTONS ARTISTS’ REQUISITES ALWAYS IN STOCK. COLOURS in TUBES, PANS or HALF PANS. FITTED COLOURED BOXES A SPECIALITY. BRUSHES FOR EVERY PURPOSE. CALL AND SEE OUR STOCK.

Huddersfield Industrial Society, PAINT AND COLOUR STORE,

P R IN C E S S

STREET.

2 Minutes from the “ Tec.” 8

T ee Iim c a 1 B

By a SCIENCE STUDENT. WELLS and DAVIES, Text Book of Zoology. We who have studied this book for many years feel we are justified in revealing its merits. We who, as it were, have just sipped its sweet biological nectar can scarcely grasp the deep truths hidden in the sage words of Mr. Wells and the grotesque diagrams of Mr. Davies. Those who have perused this exclusive book are among the chosen few who have explored the amaz ing mysteries of the alimentary canal or have traversed the treacherous waste of the Dorso-lumbar region and have met with those unforgettable compa nions, the bileduct, spleen pancreas, etc. We are unanimous in announcing it a unique piece of work, and we scarcely hope to see more like it in the future. HOLMYARD’S CHEMISTRY. We feel sure that this book is an astounding success, for it is indeed a veritable encyclopaedia. We highly recommend this volume to young ladies, who, we are sure, will be interested in Mr. Holmyard’s beauty treatment for solubility curves. Botanists are also strongly advised to purchase this book, for many pages are devoted in detail to that rare botanical specimen, the sulphuric acid plant. Anyone learning Arabic will be amazed to find some astonishing transla tions in this masterpiece of British classics. MOORE’S PHYSICS. After several years of careful study of this book we feel it our duty to introduce its charms to the public. The volume deals briefly in the opening chapters with the campaigns of that famous war veteran General Physics; and then we are whisked into The mystic realms of Magnetism and Electricity, where we can readily imagine Faraday, his brow wrinkled with lines of force, striding over Wheatstone’s bridge to the Magnetic fields. Subsequent chapters are devoted to Light, an entire chapter being given to the structure of the spectre—a truly ghostly story. We have also received the following books:— “ Rural Water .Supply,” by M. T. A. Brook. “ Light Car Maintenance,” by Iona Ford. “ A History of Yorkshire,” by Long Lister Sykes. “ Condiment Manufacture,” by 0. Kaye. “ Fruit Preserving,” by.Cora van Appul. “ A History of Religious Revolts in England,” by Lola Dora Leveller.

<S 6

u _ | qj- taking four stroulers and putting them out of to w n e..............Cost six-pence. “ WHEREAS THE TOWNE AND , PARISHE OF SKIPTON is grievously pestered with rogues and vaga bonds that swarm these parts yet is is therefore ordered to the ende that oure owne poore may be better relieved and foreign beggars (strangers) may be kept out.” Entry from the old Parish of Skipton accounts, June 28th, 1740. SKIPTON—historic old Skipton, dating back for .more than a thousand VMr, (Sceac sheep town), the place to which in pre-Norman times the half wild moormen frorn the pasture uplands drove their sheep both to fold, and to barter for raiment and other necessities of life. Glancing back to those rude old days for a few moments—and returning to the present August, 1932 ^ four “ Stroulers” or “ Vagabonds,” or perhaps better named Strangers, stood at the gateway of Skipton Castle" conscious of having thoroughly reviewed the grand old church, the quaint market place and other relics of feudalism around them. Was it not therefore to be expected that the well stored mind of the history person should dwell upon the scenes of the past— « the tragic enactments,” said he, “ which the old market place has witnessed, executions, rescues, the raiding swoop of the Scots fierce skirmishes gay cavalcades of knights and their following (here the dark eyes of the muslIn frocked ‘ Stroulers ’ lit up with expectation) passing through it to the Castle entrance (and here the Builder was observed to commence a thorough in vestigation of the contents of his pockets—twopence ha’penny—four pence), bull-fights and baitings, and other rough scenes of merry making—did they not hear in fancy (five pence) the tramping of the war steed,^ the jing e^ o steel armour, the sound of a bell—the sullen tolling curfew ’ ( sixpence triumphantly). Here Professor Trevelyan brought his remarks to a sudden close,' sternly remarking that “ this ill-timed levity must cease — calling the enslaved savages and the gloomy Saxons to retire for the night. Here tne fourth person was heard enquiring acidly, “ Was not this excuision origina y intended for Ingleton?”—then silence prevailing. Out of the shadowy past— jingling of several coppers—rose this mighty castle begun by Robert de Pomelle; built to stem the recurring Scottish invasions, to hold in subjection the wild men of the dales—a story in every stone, a deed of high endeavour enshrined in every battlement—and though the lords of Skipton have passe into the land of silence and shadow, yet their names and accomplishments will henceforward endure throughout all time.” Sighs of relief greeted e conclusion of Professor Trevelyan’s remarks, and the builder mildly suggeste that the “ four stroulers ” should enter the Castle and procure the services o a less qualified historian but more competent guide ! ! ! With darkening brow the future senior partner of Messrs. Tout, Trevelyan and Co. strode in silence at the rear of the party. The guide, having recently solaced himself by t e 10

contents of the cup that has the reputation of being particularly cheering, took up the story where the historian had concluded. They beheld from the rocky eminence the stream below, into which so many unfortunate captives had been hurled from that great height. Professor Unwin now took the field of conversation and chatted most amicably and intelligently of drawbridges, portcullises, great gates, folding doors of oak, construction, barbicans, thick ness of walls, windows, styles and orders, dungeons (here Florence Night ingale thrilled); but by far the most interesting sight to the fourth person was the chamber and window at which the unfortunate “ Pose of the World ” stood so many hours in those few short years of happy girlhood, looking out on the glorious country surrounding, wondering what the future held in store for her. Did she dream ever of the royal lover and the sad fate destined to be hers? At this point the builder was heard to be giving intelligent and satisfactory replies to the catechism from the guide respecting the yew tree— its uses in feudal times—architecture and on building construction generally —recent and most modern improvements, etc.—and was awarded first class honours. “ The present doorway,” resumed the Guide, “ masks the original doorway, and is the work of the Lady Anne Pembroke, and over the imposing doorway may be deciphered the words cut in stone DESORMAIS ‘ enduring throughout all time’ (here Professor Unwin became thoughtful), forcible words in which is centred all the glamour of mediaeval association, all the glory, dignity and nobility which only ancient lineage can bestow. Nearly all the Cliffords were notable warriors—even the gentle Shepherd Lord had all the fighting qualities of his ancestors, for at 60 years of age he led the men of Craven to the fight and victory at Flodden. The greatness of the Clifford women shone with a grandeur through times fittingly referred to by the motto “ Desormais ’’—from the mother of the Shepherd Lord right down to the Countess Anne of Pembroke, Dorset and Montgomery, who was, perhaps, the greatest of them all.” Many more thrilling records did their guide impart relating to the family motto, and four sixpences in August, 1932, were expended in Skipton more or less satisfactorily than in 1740. “ The flight of time,” murmured the historian, “ has swept away the noble owners of this remarkable fortress; but its walls still stand complete and defiant (“ desormais,” softly put in little Muslin frock)—a monument of olden days.” Very soberly and thoughtfully the four “ Stroulers ” passed out through the gateway, returned to the old market place, where the Buildei cianked up “ Elizabeth III.” and went “ from the towne.” Many happy and enduring memories will be theirs throughout the years to come of the time spent in Skipton and later of the pleasant walk through miles of woodland and river side scenery, of the falls and vales of Pecca and Swilla, of the educational address given by the Builder on “ Fungi—the havoc they work and how all this is attributed to the poor builder,” of the alfresco meals take-down shady lanes of the coffee which was all Professor Unwin’s own preparation. What is the coffee like?” enquired he, anxiously. “ Very nice,” said the fourth person. “ Yes, but does it taste like coffee? Sometimes, you know, it doesn’t ! ” Later, Flarrogate, Wetherby, and lastly the old place again tired; but those memories; in a a word—“ desormais.” 11

2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18.

“ i say ! You are not allowed to smoke or hang about on this radiator. It’s in the College Regulations.” “ I think you three are sitting too narrow. You sit behind where there is more place.” “ Ha’ ye got a cigarette to spare, B---------------?” “ Dinnae bringe it.” “ You can’t play Bridge in here. If you persist I shall have to report you to the Chief Clerk.” “ Urn, er-, er-, er-, e r - ,---------- Who are you? Urn, er—, er—, er—, ----- I am engaged; call in again.” “ I will bite my name in your------------- Gotit?” “ You can give this to the cat.” “ It goes backwards and forwards, in and out, 50 times a second.” “ Now, P x F=C x 2.” “ That’s radius of gyration, that is.” “ Ah’m off women now.” “ Gud ’eavens, what’s this?’ ’ “ Oh blow ! I never sor it.” “ Ee, I am a blinking fool.” “ Come on you lads. Come on you lads. Lad over there done it.” _ “ Are yer cold?” “ Take down this sub-’eading. Now these are the best set o’ notes in t’ Northern Union.” “ Here you have psi, chi and digamma and these signify . . .” Oh Heq. “ What the Hanover’s this? It’s tripe, sheer tripe.” “ Now Joe, I will tell you how I saved 1l^d. on my last trip to London.” “ It is doubtful whether this theery, whereby all is equalised, is true. See that, boy?”

All the above are typical statements of the leading lights of the College, and the Editors will award the Mock Turtle Bladder to the reader who ascribes the sayings to their perpetrators. —S.E.Z.U. Phone 2176.

A. ARCHARD,

F.B.O.A., F.N.A.O., F.I.O., Consulting Ophthalmic Optician, 48-49, UPPER MARKET HALL, HUDDERSFIELD. Consulting Hours: 10 till 7 Daily. 12

S o n g A g a in s t L o v e . [With apologies to G. K. Chesterton.]

The love of a fellow like Falstaff May be shared by all womankind; The affection of Polly Peachum Was a love distinctly blind; The love of the frog who would wooing go Was gammon—his blood was cold— And the love of the man all tattered and torn Was bitter and bad and bold; But who will sing us a song to Hate Ere the tavern door is slammed, Hate of the Jew or the infidel Whose souls are doomed to be damned; Hate of the sin of the heretic, Like the hate of sin, in God; Or the great big black teetotaler Who was sent to us for a rod. Like the flame from the seven fires of Hell Comes the blast of love for a maid, And men who are caught are roasted there And strong men feel afraid, And their giblets shrivel up in the flames, As the bodies of heathen should— To put an end to their evil lusts— On a good tall pyre of wood. For love, in the young a grave malaise, In the old unhinges the mind; It was brought to earth from the bowels of Hell When good drink was hard to find. Let us sing the love of the rich red wine While the good God gives us breath, Till we quaff the waters of Lethe In the decent Inn of Death. —SELIG ARGH. WHY WORRY? Once again we—or parts of us—have been inspected. All units having been duly warned, paraded smartly at the hours of attendance as notified in the Day and Evening Orders (Prospectus), and not, as usual, at times to suit their own convenience. (Please sir, the bus was late). Staff Officers in attendance on the Inspecting Officers were provided with full details relating to the companies under inspection. The preliminary work entailed in completing these detail sheets was carried out efficiently by the Divisional Accountancy Branch. Company records had been brought 14

up to date and initialled by their proper officers. Company officers paraded in full kit consisting of “ Notes, dog-eared, illegible, Lecturers, for the use of.” Units paraded in appropriate day or evening kit consisting of “ Notes, some times legible, freshly written up, Students for the use of.” Attention had been drawn to detail in kit of units by notes in red ink. Praiseworthy attempts had been made by all units to appear on parade with neatly brushed hair, clean hands, polished boots and faces shining with intelligence. Equipment other than kit really looked like equipment and not like a collection of second-hand junk. Benches could be distinguished from sinks, and reagent bottles really contained their proper contents. The Inspecting Officers wit nessed smoke screen tactics by the Pharmacy Brigade, which gave a most efficient display. A liberal issue of eyewash to minimise any glaring light during the inspection was greatly appreciated by all concerned. Zeal for the work in hand caused many units to remember that the next bus was only half an hour later than the usual one, and that a hard stool at Division Headquarters was better than a soft back seat in the cinema. All concerned now await their well merited mead of enconium from the Inspecting Officers. CHEMICAL SOCIETY DANCE. [We asked a chemist to report this dance for us. This is the result he handed in. We do not understand it; but if those who wish to, will apply to the Chemistry Department, we have no doubt a course of expository lectures will be arranged for their benefit.—Ed.]. The Chemical Society made their first synthesis of the Session’s Social Mixtures on October 22nd. The materials were mixed together in the large Flask of special shape (A. in the figure), and Energy was supplied by the Savannah Energisor. After a preliminary energising for half an hour, they went into solution. This was at first dilute, but in accordance with the first Law of Thermodynamics it became more concentrated on the application of more heat energy. Ionisation occurred whenever a “ Paul Jones ” circuit was broken. Application of the M.C. (mass-concentration) effect brought about solution of components inclined to resist solvation. Colloidal dispersion was absent, the various components agglutinating easily at the “ half-life ” period, around nuclei of solid and liquid crystal nature. Ice-cooling was effective at a later stage in controlling the velocity of the mutual reactions taking place in the solution. In the final stage wave motion was employed to ensure complete cessation of all reaction. Chlorophyll—kindly supplied by the Parks Superintendent—was used in this experiment for the first time, as an aid in neutralising any acid which might have been introduced by the “ surface-catalysis ” effect of the wooden shelf which formed part of the equipment of the large flask (A). Experimental result:—A smooth, easily controlled reaction, lasting 4 hours, with theoretical yield of the chief pro duct a good time. The formula for this product is at present unknown, but more light is expected to be thrown thereon when the experiment is repeated at Whiteley’s Cafe on December 2nd. A schoolgirl’s misunderstanding: “ A Noun is a dog what races.” 15

RUGBY FOOTBALL CLUB. During the present term, after much agitation, a Rugby Club has been formed. Under the auspices of Dr. Ward and Mr. Darlington a meeting was called and was very well attended. Officials were elected and the Club subscription fixed. Since then the committee has been busy securing a field, posts and changing accommodation with success. Four practice games have been well attended at our ground at Fenay Bridge. The first match was played against Meltham R.C. on Saturday, Nov. 26th, the result being now College history. —A. SMITH. TABLE TENNIS CLUB. A Table Tennis Club has been inaugurated in the College, and it is hoped that all students will join (subscription 1/-). The club will use the Men’s Common Room at lunch-time and after afternoon classes. It is too late to join the local league this year, but friendly matches and inter-depart mental matches will be arranged. Matches are already projected with Bradford Technical College (away) and the Staff, and other matches will be arranged with local teams. Will students wishing to join please communi cate with one of the following as soon as possible:— Dr. J. Ward (President). A. Hadfield (Secretary). E. P. Sheppard (Treasurer). A.F.C. A College team has again been formed this season, and is following up the successes attained last season. At the time of writing seven matches have been played, with 5 won, 1 drawn and 1 lost. Now that a Rugby Club has been formed, we should all be very pleased if more interest was centred in the football side of the College activities. It has been suggested that all the sport activities be combined into one association, so as to bring into close union the different clubs of the College. The following are the fixtures for this 1932-33 season:— D ate .

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TENNIS.—STUDENTS v. STAFF. ,, The J°H rn?I?eni this ^ear Promised more than usual interest owing to the 1 epons that the Students had got a really strong team. The tennis was extiemely good, but both sides were hampered by the short “ run-back” of the courts at Ravensknowle. Among the Students Walton and Sheppard r n / ennV0rf ida^ eA air’ wh° g° a11 0ut for attack- T- E- Broadbent possesses Sty ibU uncanny skl11 ln volleying and placing, and Stansfield and i ho mas played their usual consistently steady game. On the staff side Oieen, at the net, ably supported France in his attacking, and Rooney and y Rothwell were consistently good. Results:_ W. K. Rooney and H. T. Rothwell beat T. E. Broadbent and H. Echaporia b-3 6-0; lost to J. Walton and E. P. Sheppard, 4-6, 2-6; lost to J. Stansfield and G. Thomas, 5-6, 5-6. ’ ~ o ■Fr.an<:e and G. M. Green beat T. E. Broadbent and H. Echaporia, 3-6, A ’A A °St t0A " n and E- P- ShePPard> 2-6, 4-6; beat J. Stansfield and G .Thomas, 6-5, 6-4. _ ]• and A. 0. Jones lost to T. E. Broadbent and H. Echaporia, 2-6, T i " 6i u0St t0 J* Walton and E. P. Sheppard, 1-6, 2-6; lost to J. Stansfield and G. Thomas, 4-6, 1-6. Staff, 7 sets, 75 games; Students, 13 sets, 101 games. r

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A TONE POEM IN UMPTEEN MOVEMENTS (after Beecham). We read with interest that a musician in Canada has composed a tone poem (or something similar) on Influenza. All the various stages of this pastime are dealt with in several movements, suggest ing fits of shivering, etc., with a grand ensemble of brass handles and flowers. We therefore beg to submit the following scheme for the examination of our local composers:— Any awful row, with a predominance of castanets and tympani, would represent the Conversazione quite well. A very charming effect could be produced by dropping a sixpence in a bucket. Making a tour of the various departments in the College, and com mencing with the engineering, a large chunk of Oppitcher Bhitch’s “ Music of Machines ” would be quite adequate. Raising the pitch a little, and trans posing into a minor key, with concerted files and pads, the front half of the ground floor would be immediately suggested. Passing down the corridor should be indicated by a subterranean skirl of the pipes, and then to the accompaniment of breaking bottles and howls of imbecile laughter we arrive at the Chemistry Department. Ascending to the second floor, and commencing here with the Maths Department, a duet for triangle and trapezium, conducted by Major Arc, and a passionate passage by solo second derivative should be quite satisfactory. The idea should be quite obvious by now to our budding Bach’s. So what about it? —A. C. WRITING FOR THE “ MOCK TURTLE.” The Editor’s face was drawn and haggard, the lecture seemed to drag on more slowly than ever, while the beastly clock in the corner, with its hands strewn all over its face, never seemed to move. Finally, when the lecture did end, we found what was causing the Editor’s anxiety—“ Haven’t we any literary geniuses here?” he asked dejectedly. “ We’re very short of copy for this issue.” So there was the trouble ! Well, I felt really sorry for that poor editor, with such a responsibility staring him in the face, so I decided that I would certainly write something for the “ Mock Turtle,” if it was only to save him the trouble of having to write another four-page story for this number at the last minute. I spent all the next evening trying to think of something, but as I could get no further than “ Once upon a time----- ” I somehow thought that would not be quite sufficient, so decided to put it off until my brains grew a little. I am sorry to say it is still put off, but I hope the Editor will forgive me because I really did try, which plenty of you other-------- s didn’t do ! —“ JIX ” A Class for Poultry Farmers? A student states that she is taking the “ Sitting Guilds Exam.” 18

STAFF NOTES. In harness again after Long Vacation, in which the only accident is reported as due to absinthe. Memo.: Absinthe must not be ordered by the pint nor used as a prophylactic against a bad channel crossing. We are always interested in the reactions of new colleagues to the College and its surroundings. Does Fraulein Dringenberg, whom we wel come from Germany, rejoice that her native tongue is about the only one which can do full justice to the local climate? Evidently also Mr. K. Holmes, fresh from the hub of the empire, is deter mined to elevate us to an appreciation of what we might term “ Imperial ” Art. The E.M.B. posters with which this Academy is so suddenly and pro fusely adorned, are fine specimens also of the craft which another new member, Mr. F. Darlington, has come to teach. A little bird has whispered to us that the members of the Art School are all very youthful; “ Ars longa vita brevis ” in fact. The posters may have bourgeoned in reply to the “ Plymouth Marine School,” whose exhibits can be seen in a corridor—as is fitting for a marine school—nearer sea-level. What splendid rivalry there is between the “ Imperial ” and “ Scotch ” schools: but the intense realism of the Plymouth Marine School, the precision of line of the “ Real and Imaginary Mathematical School,” the sober dullness of the “ Commercial Magnate School,” and the grim dirtiness of the “ Smoke Abatement ” School are all outshone by the “ Flaming Youth ” of our School of Art posters. We are straying from the path of strict chronology. How intriguing are the Staff at times. We said farewell to Messrs. J. Hamer and C. H. Ward in July, content in the knowledge that the latter would not be without com panionship in his retirement and that we should see him in the evening classes. But we were full of sympathy for the former in his lonely state of bachelorhood, when lo ! he surprises us all by taking unto himself a helpmeet. All happiness to them. We are pleased to record that Mr. M. B. Thompson, now on the staff of Rotherham Technical College, and a former member of our staff, has obtained the Ph.D. (Lond.) in Engineering Metallurgy for work done in the Huddersfield Technical College. To the relatives of Mr. E. A. Preston and of Mr. W. Rayner (“ William ”) we extend our condolences and sympathy. William had been the College Porter for 41 years, and at the Staff Tea on October 7th Mr. McKerracher delivered a short eulogy in his memory, which was honoured by all present standing in silence. We sympathise, too, with Dr. W. B. Crow and Dr. H. H. Hodgson in their recent bereavements and with Mr. H. Kitchenman in his illness, which we trust will not be of long duration. “ Walter ” has now come among us. He confesses that he does not yet know us all. He soon will ! Meantime we must ask “ Tom ” to bear patiently with the stranger within the gates; and, when called up from Birkby in the middle of the night, reflect that he also at one time found it difficult to remember whether he had switched off all the lights. We welcome also, our newest member, Miss P. Ebbage, B.Sc., who has come to show us how to grow “ pratty flowers.” The Staff Ramble in July had Woolley for its destination. A bus journey brought the party to Clayton West, and from there the route lay through Bretton Park'to Woolley Post Office. After tea a visit was paid to Woolley 19

Hall, where, by the courtesy of Major Wentworth, the visitors were conducted round the beautiful gardens by the gardener. The return journey was made via the famous Woolley Edge to West Betton. Mr. B. Dyson was congratu lated on choosing a route of more than ordinary beauty and interest. —A.O.J. THE SKETCH CLUB. The Sketch Club continues to flourish under Mr. Holmes, who has sucseeded Mr. Hamer as President. The Annual Exhibition of Sketch Club work will be held in the Large Hall on Friday and Saturday, February 3rd and 4th, 1933, and we intend to give a three-act play instead of two short ones. Come and look round; we shall be glad to see you. L.S. POPPY DAY. The annual Poppy Day Effort was held on Saturday, November 12th, at the Huddersfield Technical College in response to the appeal received from . the Mayoress of Huddersfield on behalf of the Earl Haigh Fund. The early part of the proceedings commenced by the sale of Flanders Poppies through out the College—Annie Bland, Ida Liversedge, E. Mary Pickup and Edna Wynne being responsible for this part of the effort, in which they were enthusiastically assisted by day and evening students. On the Saturday evening the usual dance was held in the Large Hall, the M.C. being Mr. B. Mettrick, assisted by Barbara Wood, Margaret Gledhill, Alec Hadfield, Albert Lowe, Frank Mills and other students. A new departure this year was mili tary whist, and the grateful thanks of the committee are due to the Rashcliffe Institute for the loan of the military equipment, and to Mr. T. Brook, also of Rashcliffe, for lais invaluable help in accepting the responsibility, alonp- with Dr. Walker, for the conduct of the Whist Drive. We had this year quite a large attendance in the Whist Room, and in connection with the Drive, as well as with the entire Saturday’s effort, the names of Raymond Hoyle and Einest Armitage are outstanding. They did splendid and most unselfish woik. At the close of the game Mrs. Hudson (the hostess) announced the winning table to be France, and the handsome prizes which had been presented by Dr. and Mrs. Ward, Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Holmes and Mrs. Hudson, were distributed by Mrs. W. M. Wilcox to Captain Brook, Lieut. Edna Wynne (M.C.), Pte. Fisher and Pte. Kenyon. In a few words Mrs. Hudson complimented the Organizers and Hon. Secretary (Miss Constance E. Armitage) upon another successful effort, and thanked all who had helped on the good work in any way. Everyone present declared the Military Whist Drive to have been most enjoyable, and the short time remaining was spent in the Large Hall watching the dancers. The Oiganisers desire to thank all who assisted. The sum of £17 was realised by the effort. —NELLY BARKER. 20

Mr. JOHN HAMER. With his retirement the Art Department has lost a distinguished Head who held that position for 25 years. Although coming to us from Ireland, where he had been Head of the Londonderry School of Art and a Govern ment Inspector in Art, he was not an Irishman but a Lancastrian by birth and an old Rugbeian by education. Of a somewhat retiring disposition, the College outside the School of Art saw little of him, but that does not mean that his influence was not felt. A man whose work is his creed must of necessity have a far reaching influence, unsuspected at the time perhaps, but there all the same. And Mr. Hamer lived for Art. The strength of the artist soul in the man was vividly portrayed when the writer went at Mr. Hamer’s invitation to see the illuminated address which was one appreciation of his staff and students. It was a revelation to hear how all its artistry was glowingly and feelingly described. If he had any predilection for any particular form of art it was for water colour painting, and specimens of his work have been seen at the Royal Society of British Artists and the Institute of Water Colour Painters. He has also at times examined for the Board of Education and the Central Welsh Board. NEWS OF OLD STUDENTS. Mr. G. S. Brayshaw, B.Sc. (Eng.), has been appointed to the research department of the Telsen Electric Company, Birmingham. Dr. H. P. Himsworth, M.D., has been awarded a Beit Fellowship for medical research (£400 per annum) at University College Hospital. Dr. J. A. Jenkinson, B.Sc., Ph.D., has been appointed to the staff of Graesser-Monsants, Ltd., Ruabon. Miss M. S. Prior has qualified under the Chartered Society of Massage and Medical Gymnastics. Mr. J. Stansfield has been appointed to the staff of Messrs. Pirelli, Ltd. Mr. E. Wood has been awarded the Gladstone Memorial Prize. George E. Crowther has been appointed Organist at the Slaithwaite Primitive Methodist Chapel. George is a student in the Matriculation Depart ment, and we have had the privilege of hearing him play at the Social Service concerts. He has a great musical future before him, and we heartily wish him every success. An Old Student soliloquises over his first appearance before a lecturer:— “ So foolish was I, and ignorant; I was as a beast before thee.” —Ps. 73. GIFT OF BOOKS. Miss Elsie Kaye, B.Com., a former student of the College, has kindly presented to the Mathematical Department several mathematical text-books, to be loaned to students reading for degree examinations. Her gift will be greatly appreciated. Already there are signs that her example will be followed by others. 21

THE PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK.” This play, by Jerome K. Jerome, was performed by students, late in last term, in the Large Hall of the College. It deals with the effect of a new boarder obviously intended to be Christ, on the inhabitants of a shabbvgenteel boarding house. With such a theme, and as Jerome handles it a sense of ease and naturalness could only be hoped for after hours and hours of rehearsal, and the attempt to give an amateur performance at such a time when ^animations are rife, was a piece of daring (or rashness) which came off rather better than should have been hoped for. This for two reasons— the casting was remarkably good; every actor fitted his part and gave a creditable interpretation of it, and there was enthusiasm. “ A Past Student” writes:— t 11 outstanding opinion from all sides—friends—members of the staff_ fellow students—outsiders—everyone. “ What we liked most was the enthusiam every member of the ‘ Third Floor ’ cast displayed-their spirit-no thought of self The enjoyment they themselves derived from their parts got over and communicated the same spirit of ‘ friendliness,’ ‘ kindliness’ fellow feeling to their audience. The cast indeed achieved their ideal in giving this play and ‘ confronted every obstacle with boldness and originalitv ’ and made everyone of us thoroughly realise that ‘ the meeting place of friends is indeed in the heart.’ ” u i Fr° ? anc! sa^e roses>the sum of £14 5s. 7d. was raised for the Huddersfield Royal Infirmary Building Fund, the secretary of which sent a special letter of thanks to the members of the cast. SCOTT CENTENARY CELEBRATION. This took place on Saturday, Nov. 26th, too late for a full report to appear The hostess was Mrs. J. Bruce; the lecturer Miss Gertrude Jessop, LL.A. (of Longley Hall Central School). Day and evening students gave recitals from the novels and poetical works of Scott, and Miss Jessop a short ad ress on The Homes and Haunts of Scott.” An interesting item was the extract from Redgauntlet,” under the direction of Miss Montgomery The proceeds are to be devoted to the 1933 Effort in aid of the Huddersfield Royal nnrmary, but the amount realised on this night will be earmarked for the Scottish ” patients. “ The Professor’s Love Story ” by Sir James M. Barry, will be given in Januaiy oi eaily February. All who really like to laugh should see it. THE CHEMICAL SOCIETY. An interesting programme of lectures and three works visits have been arranged for the session. Up to date three lectures have been given. On October 14th the first lecture of the session was given by Dr Ward on “ Mv Adventure with a Perpetual Motion Fiend.” The lecturer explained the utility of schemes put forward at meetings with two personal acquaintances The second lecture by Mr. J. Walton on “ The Ice Age in Huddersfield ” was well attended by students and members of the staff. The next lecture, on 22

November 10th, by Mr. Heeley, whose subject was “ Ductless Glands,” brought numerous questions from people present at the finish of the lecture. An enjoyable dance was held by the Society in the Large Hall of the College on Saturday, October 22nd, when a large gathering of members and friends passed an entertaining evening. The music was supplied by Mr. Croft’s Savannah Band. Another dance has been arranged to take place at Whiteley’s Cafe on Friday, December 2nd. The works visit for the Autumn Term is to the steel works of Messrs. Fox & Co., Stocksbridge, on Thursday, December 8th. FUTURE LECTURES. Jan. 19—“ Science Applied to the Human Body.” F. W. Pickles. Feb. 2—“ Distillation.” J. Walker, A.I.C. Feb. 16—Works Visit to be arranged.

THE BAKERY STUDENTS’ SOCIETY. This Society has been in existence since 1925, and is very flourishing. It is affiliated to the National Federation of Bakery Students’ Societies. The members receive a copy of the Bakery Students’ Magazine. During the win ter demonstrations are given in the College Bakery by some of the foremost men in the trade. The bakery is well equipped, possessing two double-deck peel type ovens, one gas, one electric, but is rather on the small side for the large number of students attending. At the close of the session there is a competition for the “ Renshaw ” Challenge Cup, which was presented to the College by John F. Renshaw & Co., Ltd., Mitcham. This winter there will be another competition for a cup presented by Mr. G. Hill, of Meltham, who is president of the Society. We are very proud of two of our students, Messrs. W. E. Greenleaf and E. H. Wilson, who were successful in winning the Inter School Challenge Shield at the Bakers’ Exhibition held in London during September. This shield has only been competed for three times, Huddersfield students winning it the first time and the third. The shield is held by the College for a year and the two students each receive a gold medal. On Wednesday, Nov. 9th, the first demonstration of the session was given by Mr. Goettl, a representative of Renshaw’s, his subject being “ Novelty Fancies, Pomosin and Danish Pastries.” The demonstration was very enter taining and educative. It was much appreciated by the students present. FORTHCOMING EVENTS. Saturday, November 26th, 7 p.m.: General Meeting in the Large Hall. 7-30 p.m.: Social Evening and Dance in Large Hall. Efficient Band. Admission 1/-. Members and NonMembers. Roll up and bring your friends. December 7th, 7 p.m.: Demonstration in the Bakery by Mr. Bolle, of Sheffield. Subject: “ Sugar Boiling.” 23

DRAMATIC SOCIETY. The writer went to the performance of “ It Pays to Advertise ” prepared, as always the case with amateur performances, to be amused and entertained. There is an earnestness, a deadly determination to show up at their best about amateur performers, that gives this kind of show an intrinsic quality and charm all its own. Nor was he disappointed on this occasion. The play, of course, is amusing in itself on account of the dialogue, add to that the exceedingly good characterisation and acting of every member of the cast, and there is obtained all the material for the rattling good show we all enjoyed. If any criticism is possible, it is directed towards the scenery, which apparently gave trouble in assembling when it had to be changed. The Society, however, appear to have been indifferent exponents of the gospel outlined in the play, since, although the licensing of production and use of the hall were well displayed on the door, the audience was a disappointing one as regards numbers. It is a pity these students’ efforts are not more appreciated and better rewarded. Those who did not go missed a treat. - A . 0. J.

ALAS! TOO LATE. In a gorse bush a hundred yards beyond his trench lay Lieutenant Percy Fitzhugh Cholmondeley, of King’s Own Rifles, asleep at his post. For hours he had lain there, searching the position of the enemy through his field glasses. Overcome by fatigue, he had nodded, drowsed, and finally slept. The sun was low in the West when he awoke. He looked at his watch and jumped up with an oath. Regardless of danger he turned and ran towards his trench. His was not a nature to count the risk when duty called. Every German sniper within range sent shot upon shot after the flying figure. The enemy’s trenches took up the fight, and fairly blazed with rifle and machine-gun fire. The bullets whistled past his ears, they snarled at his feet like a pack of wolves. With a last desperate burst of speed, his clothes in tatters with bullet holes, the Lieutenant reached his trench and leaped into safety. His face wearing an expression of mingled hope and despair he rushed to the dug-out where sat his Colonel and fellow officers. They looked up at him with cold eyes. One glance and Percy’s heart failed him. He was too late. They had finished tea. —JESWAL. Students’ Motto. Let thy studies be free as thy Thoughts and Contem plations: but fly not only upon the wings of Imagination; joyn Sense unto Reason, and Experiment unto Speculation, and so give life unto Embryon Truths, and Verities yet in their chaos. Sir Thomas Browne. “ Christian Morals,” 1716. 24

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