The Mock Turtle - No. 11 (Christmas 1930) by Heritage Quay

THE IR oeK

CHRISTMAS, 1930.

RTLE

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Editor:

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CHRISTMAS, 1930.

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CONTENTS. Page 3

EDITORIAL NOTES J.M.J.Q.

Edward R. Swift

G. M. Jee

Nanki Poo

C. Cadley and J. Caruthers

DOPE BONES MOTORING THE CHEMIST’S LAMENT PORTRAIT GALLERY

THOU DIRTY HOUND (Our Great Serial)

Hecta Thee

12 15

ADVICE FOR MINERS THE MINER WHAT PRICE WEALTH?

G.L.

L.R.G.

OLD BORES ALMANACK OF THE COLLEGE

EARL HAIOH FUND EFFORT

THE SWIMMING CLUB

MIXED HOCKEY CLUB

WHY NOT JOIN THE SELECT CIRCLE OF LITERARY ARTISTS WHO WRITE FOR THE MOCK TURTLE?

E d i t o r i a l N o te s Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise” I {hirf I should understand that better Alice said very politely, if had it written down : but I cant quite follow it as you say it.” That's nothing to what I could say i f I chose,” the Duchess replied, in a pleased tone. “ Pray don't trouble to say it any longer than that,” said Alice. Oh, don t talk about trouble ! ” said the Duchess. “ I make you a present o f everything I ’ve said as yet.” , ”

“

ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND.

NE of the economic consequences of the Peace, after the Great War, was the extreme impoverishment of the middle classes in many European countries. A very large proportion of those who were, or expected to become, University or Technical College students, were thus cut off from the previously normal sources of supply. The paternal bank balance was not. The result might well have been the closing of the colleges for lack of students. Youth, however, decided otherwise. Students came along who were prepared to make themselves self-supporting, to win their education by labour, abstinence and mutual aid. The main development of the Student Self-Help Movement has been in Germany, where co-operative self-help societies have been built up throughout the country to organise schemes of self-maintenance. Thousands of students have worked for months at a time as labourers in factories, in mines, or on farms, to earn the means to keep themselves, wholly or in part, at the Universities and Technical Schools. These have not been “ part time students ” in our sense, with whom, usually, study subserves the job; but students essentially, to whom the job is merely temporary bread for study. Twenty-five thousand students were fed daily last year through the organisations, and three thousand five hundred had loans to enable them to carry on. For self-help has stimulated outside help. Business circles, Universities and the State have found themselves im pelled to give support. The funds granted are controlled by the self-help organisations, on which, at present, actual students have usually about one third of the voting power. Writing of this great achievement in “ Vox Studentium,” the International Student Service Magazine, Reinhold Schairer attributed it to three factors: (1) the German Youth Movement, which originated before the War as a revolt against the restriction of all phases of life and conduct by rules and regulations, written and otherwise, which had developed in Germany more than elsewhere, and which resulted in a desire of the younger generation to build its own life on its own responsibility; (2) the experience of students returned from the army, who had inevitably gained some habit of helping themselves out of difficulties; (3) the assistance and encouragement of “ Inter national Student Service,” then the “ European Student Relief ” of the World Student Christian Federation; which in the blackest times of Germany’s 3

economic difficulties was able to help to the extent of some thiee million marks, largely raised by the students of other countries. _ The student self-help organisations are now the principal road by which German youth, lacking means for a College education, yet manages to get it. The organisations are repaying the assistance received from the outside student world by their help and initiative in the development of the Inter national Student Service organisation for student self-help and co-operation, which is extending the benefit of their experience to needy students of other lands. We, in this country, who are or have been full time students, are apt not to realise or make the best use of the leisured student life which we enjoy. By avoiding the struggle faced by some of our colleagues abroad we in evitably miss something of experience and development of outlook. Those in the College here who should know are apt to say that the finest type of student is to be found in the advanced evening classes. The man who earns his living in the day, and “ sticks it ” for four "to six years of evening study has made something more of himself than he may realise. The day student, on the other hand, has the immense advantage of adequate time both for study and for corporate college life. That this is so weak with us at present is a matter for regret. Sports clubs manage to keep going. On the other side, the Sketch and Dramatic Clubs, and the Chemical Society cater mainly for limited groups; the Magazine relies upon the active help of a very few, and lives precariously. Once there was a Student Union —a valuable source of initiative it might be in every kind of activity. There have been Debating Societies and a Christian Union. They are dead. New students have by now settled down in the College. They might now think of making something more of its life. The Magazine exists to help. It can at least be a medium for expressing ideas and desires. We wish all students a Happy Christmas, and present them with these hints for good resolutions for the New Year. DOPE. The torture, the agony, as the monster drove the points slowly home, would it never end? It had all happened before, several times; but never had the waiting felt so long. Would he never get out of this man’s clutches? Other days he had borne everything with fortitude, but to-day it seemed different. He fingered the case in his pocket, the metal case containing the little cylinders which would bring relief if only he could convey one to his mouth. Yes, they were still there, comforting to the touch they were, too. It seemed so easy. Yet his hands were bound by something invisible. When the signal came he would end this waiting, this craving for what he was now unable to reach. He gazed malevolently at his torturer; the man seemed unconscious of the pain he was inflicting. There weie others, too, in the same plight as he, and dwarfing almost eveiything was the monotonous, mournful drone which seemed as though it would nevei cease. He could bear it no longer, something seemed s!iap }n p's prapl- Stop ! He heard the stamping of feet outside the little chamber. Blessed relief ! Was it the end? A bell whirred in the distance, and the student giabbed a cigarette from his case and bolted through the door into the corridor. imio 4

B ones o By EDWARD R. SWIFT.

T T was a long journey to Newton Regis, as Samuel Shortt found. Between short spasms of sleep, broken by the passengers who alighted or who ^ entered his compartment, he looked at the photographs of beauty spots upon the sides until he knew every individual who had had a trip there the day the photographer was busy. Raising his gaze to the rack he saw a small parcel. Evidently someone had left it, since he was alone. Maybe there was a novel which would while away his time. He looked in the parcel. The engine shrieked its way into a tunnel; rain pattered on the windows; in the hills a blue flash of lightning was followed by an echoing peal of thunder. A groan left his lips, for within the parcel was the skeleton of an arm. He replaced it hurriedly on the rack. Samuel pictured the story: a murderer evidently had chopped up the remains of his victim, afterwards he had macerated the body by some corrosive fluid, and placed the bones to be carried away from the scene of the crime. The other parts were doubtless in similar parcels miles away. He could not resist a shudder. The presence of his find worried him— made him almost feel guilty — as a lady entered. At the next station, Newton Regis, Samuel opened the door. The lady said, “ You’ve forgotten your parcel ! ” “ That’s not mine,” came to his parched lips, but he could not say it. “ Thank you,” he said, in a shaky, small voice. He would drop it and get rid of it. But as he attempted to do so between two automatic machines, a porter said politely, “ Your parcel, sir.” Passing the barrier, he walked up the road and dropped the parcel in the darkness. " At the crossroads, by the only lamp the lane possessed, he heard the bark of a dog. Turning, he saw a dog, the parcel at its feet, and behind it a man. “ jock’s brought you your parcel,” the man said, and smiled, although the rain was now more severe, and was being aided by gusts of wind which caused the lamp to flicker. Samuel was about to pick up the parcel when his companion said, “ Ye’ll come on wi’ me, there be too many unsolved murders,” and grasped Shortt’s hand. Samuel felt surprised, till, to his horror, he saw that the rain had ex posed the fingers which were grasping ‘ empty ’ air. All he could do for some seconds was to gasp, then he said, “ They’re not mine, they . . . “ Don’t attempt to deny it. Where’ve ye put ye’re victim’s other remains,” returned the other. The gasping Samuel was led to the Police Station. Crowds, it was sur prising to say, gathered from the sleeping village and, taking a morbid interest, shouted their cries of vengeance on a public danger and a malicious criminal. The captor slowed his pace somewhat, doubtless to give the crowd a better chance of enjoying this episode. 5

At the gate the crowd were blocking the path of a car in the glare of whose headlights stood Sam. The local authority of Law and Order stiode importantly to the gate. The crowd explained the situation. Then the motorist sounded his horn and laughed loudly. The crowd glaied at this un desired interrupter of their excitement. “ Anything you say may be used in evidence against you, warned the policeman. “ It isn’t mine. I know nothing about it.” “ Then why did Higgins, railway official, state you accepted the parcel after dropping same,” indicating the porter, now off duty. II. “ This man is wanted by me,” said the motorist. The components of the crowd nudged each other, as it to say, Here is a doubly dangerous criminal.” The constable looked round at the crowd, and whispered to the three, “ I ask you to come into the station.” When they were all seated, Samuel feeling puzzled at being thus accused twice, the motorist said, “ I think I can explain it all. This man is no criminal, but the bones he found are part of a prize competition.” The constable looked the picture of thwarted ambition. “ A couple of years ago, my father decided, as a self-made man, that I should leave the lap of luxury with a thousand pounds, and by enterprise, at least double this sum in three years, and then return to the fraternal bosom, and feed off the fatted calf. I think the comparison is mixed, but it will serve. With friends, who subscribed, 1 obtained a large piece of land. You see, we saw how easily seaside visitors, egged on by seaweed, stone piers, fishing nets, concert parties, sands and so on, will part with their money. Now our land included Great Tarcombe-on-Slush with Medover, which boasted of four houses, a large farmhouse and several outbuildings, a post office, a small patch of sand, several pebbles, a path on the front, and a halt on the Splashby branch railway line. By persuading the Railway Company that crowds were coming and buses were seeking a monopoly to enter the town, the halt became a station. We found that crowds liked to see fishing nets drying, so as no fishermen were there we added local colour of our own. But we needed further impetus to the holiday rush: a prize was offered for the person who got the prehistoric animal’s bones which were supposed to have been lost by archeologists excavating the cliff for remains. Needless to say that was all planned. I expect a person found them, wrapped them up and then left them where they were taken by mistake for someone’s lunch parcel and brought on to the train where you found them. Rather amusing ! Ha ! Ha !” No one else looked amused—there was no glory for the police, nor the dog-owner. Mr. Shortt felt decidedly depressed. “ Don’t you see you get the prize? £50,” said the motorist, “ Ring up the newspapers— make all the fuss we can. A real ad. for Tarcombe.” III. “ Just a minute,” a voice broke in, “ don’t you think I ought to be allowed to look at the bones I lost.” I am Professor Warn and have conducted an 6

extensive search for Neolithic remains in the Nemcombe Caves. I found certain valuable relics, and my informants outside say they were appropriated by this man.” “ They can’t be both mine and yours,” said the motorist, “ so why not do what has been neglected: look at the bones?” This was done; the bones were what proved to be the Professors contribution to our knowledge of a certain early era. He remembered getting a few bars of chocolate from a machine in Newton Regis and must have dropped the bones. Samuel dashed off post-haste to the closed station; by the aid of matches he found a second parcel, the one he had dropped, the prize-winning bones within. As he received his cheque he said, “ Thank you and all the rest of the members of that marvellous seaside community, where health blows in on every zephyr” (which appeared verbatim in all the newspapers). ” 1 make no bones about receiving this cheque ” (he whispered to its donor). As he often quoted those words to his friends, he added a reason for not bothering with strange parcels, “ because they’d had him on the ‘ rack ’ once.”

M o io i tlh< *

THE CONFESSIONS OF A BEGINNER. OU experienced motor folk, you to whom a piston ring is a piston ring ]T and not a telephone call; you to whom the enmeshing cogs are always most obliging when you so carelessly throw over your gear levers; you, 1 expect, may be inclined to treat my experiences with dismay and disdain. Someday I may be as one of you. In the meantime, my tale is to my fellow novitiate motorist— 1930 model. My friend, whom we will call Thompson, having decided for me that my occupation is one leading to an early grave, showed me a way in which I might make a more spectacular dive into it, at the same time killing another bird or two metaphorically, in the way of providing my surviving relatives, including the Chancellor of the Exchequer, with a negligible bank balance to fight for when my ignition is finally turned off. “ You may in consequence develop ‘ a will to live,’ ” said he, expanding on the joys of motoring. “ My dearest relatives have always been against it, dead against it. They are more concerned that I should develop a will to leave rather than a will to live,” I replied. Now Thompson has an eloquent tongue. He soon argued the love of my particular breed of humanity out of existence. Very soon I was in the throes of— ‘ to be or not to be ’—a motorist. Hamlet himself cannot have debated the problem in his mind longer time and oft than I. I differed from the dismal Dane in coming to a decision. I would be a knight of the road. “ What type of car ought 1 to go in for?” I asked my friend. 7

“ What type of car do you think you can get into? replied Thompson, trying his hand at humour once more. I may say that I weigh more than is good for me. The local paper decided me. A well known firm offered reconditioned cars with a guarantee, at a very reasonable second hand price. Before opening up negotiations, I argued that 1 ought to see a car or two, and learn a thing or two. My ignorance was lamentable. I every car had a bonnet and not a hat; that it had petrol for breakfast, dinner, tea and supper, with a little oil as make weight. Mv friend insisted that there was more in it than that, but not having a car of his own that I might break or batter, he led me round one or two of the local car parks, where, in the absence of the attendants, I was made acquainted with a number of levers and pedals. 1 decided to give it all up there and then. 1 was sure that I should want a brain big enough to fill a balloon to take it all in, until the irrepressible Thompson showed me his hat, whose lining was ticketed very simply, bo. 1 wear a 7f. He further reassuringly pointed out the large number of accidents that occur each year, his argument being that even fools can drive cars very often. Nil desperandum. On my way home a brain wave surged through my head. My friends, seeing the results, called it a brain storm. 1 remembered that we had a piano at home; the very thing. At six o'clock next morning, before the cock or my landlady began to crow, 1 was busy driving our piano, having rigged up a couple of walking sticks, one on each side of me to act as gear lever and hand lever brake respectively and respectfully. Making sure that we were in neutral, I sounded middle C to set the engine going. Down went the left pedal. Now the clutch is out. Swing over the left stick, thus getting into low gear, at the same time pressing down the right pedal slightly to produce the necessary acceleration. Lifting the left pedal— the clutch— slowly, away we sail smoothly and hopefully. Then my landlady came downstairs. As soon as she saw me the very words I wanted flashed from her mouth. “ Stop it ! ” she cried. Down went my left pedal, up with the right, and back slid my right walking stick. What a journey ! It was not long before I was possessed of the greatest confidence. When one is fair, fat and forty, any assistance to this end is very desirable. Practising for one hour per day in ‘ forty winks ’ spells—the landlady’s— I quickly graduated with honours in this school of motoring, and ectoplasmic visions of my car, owner driven, began to extrude from the ether around me. I mistook Thompson to say that I was a genius. It appeared later that he had said that I was of the genus “ Ass.” At the week end 1 sent for a syllabus to a local motoring school, and by return got a price list of cars. By dint of searching at the bottom of the envelope I found some literature in microscopic print dealing with free lessons in driving. 8

Needless to say I enrolled as a pupil for driving lessons only. I could have contracted for lectures on the theory of pistons and cylinders, not to mention crank shafts, big and little ends, etc. The lattei reminded me that I’ve only a few more years before the biggest end of all overtakes me. bo, away to the nearest garage with troubles of this sort. I’m for the joys, not the sorrows of life. My first lesson saw me transported rapidly to a very quiet road where the instructor and I changed seats. The great moment had ailived. ^My past life in all its horrors rapidly flashed through my mind. Had my instructor made provision for a possibly sticky end? How was he to know what I was going to do? I didn’t know myself. After some silent meditation, we got the engine going, and I was told to push out my clutch, and move the gear lever through ‘ the gate ’ into low. Grrrrrrrr. Grrrr Grr. Do I know what a gate-ciashei is? It was now time to accelerate somewhat and let the clutch pedal come up slowly. This I did most conscientiously, and believe me, we bounded forward like a dog after a hare. At least, the car did. I moved in the reverse direction until the back of the seat caught me up. Clutching the wheel with a grip G steel, I made a very vicious jab forward with my right foot for the foot brake, whereupon the car, full of consideration, halted immediately. It again dawned upon me hereabouts that I could not control myself, much less the car, foi my body insisted on making progress, and I essayed a tremendous dive forward, until stopped by the steering wheel. Then all was quiet. When I say all, I mean the engine and myself. My instructor was rearranging his top and bottom dental plates and breathing rather heavily in the process. I mentally knighted him on the spot. I believe he benighted me, but at the time I had not the wit to follow his word perfect little homily. Believe me, during the course of those few lessons, I learnt a few things about myself and my ancestors I had nevei dreamt possible, and I learnt evei so many new words. In fairness to the school, a lot of the information was given unofficially, and much of it was sotto voce. To cut a long story short, at the end of six hours instruction, spread out over a week I had learnt to steer without too pronounced a wobble, to glide away smoothly from a standing start, to manipulate the gears without putting too erreat a strain upon the ears of the populace at large, by way of the double declutch movement, to . . . etc., etc. All that I now required was confidence, which they said would come as the result of long experience. I didn’t like the word ‘ long.’ I was not qualifying to drive a car in the next world. My grave is to be an early one, vide Thompson. Enough said. I was passed out as fit to play havoc with my own car, which by ?he way would be delivered as soon as I paid my first deposit. She arrived yesterday all bright and polished, the envy of all my friends and enemies, including the neighbours. The very first bright early morning that chances to come along will see me on the road. 1 shall be very busy anticipating the birds, polishing off the worms as they thread their weary way across my track. At the same time I shall be hiding my numerous mistakes from the vulgar crowd, and keeping ‘ Amy ’ unbespotted from the mud and rain of these sunny islands. 9

A CHEMIST’S LAMENT. 1.

When a chemist is engaged in his profession, Have pity on these poor unlucky chaps, His life is one continual procession Of fires and floods and similar mishaps. Our feelings we with difficulty smother, When laboratory duty’s to be done. Ah ! Take one consideration with another; A chemist’s lot is not a happy one. When your flask is full of fuming nitric acid, Which you’re adding to a mixture in a crock, It is rather hard to keep your features placid, When you find the liquid running down your smock. Our feelings, etc. When earthquakes tend to shake the College over, And every limb seems held as in a vice, No need is there to hasten under cover, It’s only R --------returning with the ice. Our feelings, etc. When the pressure of the water drops to nothing, The pumps suck back, and turbines groan with pain, You may hear the chemists grumbling and cursing At H ---- y P -------n cleaning out the drain. Our feelings, etc. When the “ Colonel ” in his den is known to linger, You know it’s no use going to the store, Though he’s only got to raise his little finger, No apparatus passes through that door. Our feelings, etc. And when at last you feel you are in clover, And that accidents will trouble you no more, You are sure to knock your apparatus over, And find your preparation on the floor. Our feelings, etc. Though truth should be a chemist’s first contention, Some funny tales are told by Dr. Walt., And H ------- e F ---------e deserves a special mention, For taking seventeen lots of Epsom Salt. Our feelings, etc. When the navvy by your side is getty crusty, And he mutters as he rubs his grimy chin, “ This blasted tram is getting old and fusty,” It’s difficult to keep your feelings in. Though many little things we may discover, When laboratory duty’s to be done. Ah ! Take one consideration with another, A chemist’s lot is not a happy one. NANKi POO. 10

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Concluding our Heart-breaking Serial. 6C

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o u iid - !

By HECTA THEE. Read of Harold’s magnificent fight against overwhelming odds, and the Witch’s Curse. All that’s happened: Harold-are-ta-Theer, a handsome young outlaw, is making love to Maiu Marmite, his sweetheart, in a secluded glade in s herwood Forest on a ho^ day in July; when who should come on the scene but Dean Soddit, an evil n o . , of whom, for some reason or other, Harold is greatly afrai . “ Dean Soddit ” he gasps, “ what dost thou want?” “ Ha ! ” leers the Dean, “ that’s telling isn’t it? and anyway,” he hisses, “ what dost thou know about a boiler, hey?” NOTE__In the previous and opening instalment of this sensational serial we had regretfully to announce that part of chapter 4, together with chapter 5 had unfortunately been mislaid (we have now reached chaptei 6), but tin if the two missing links had turned up at the time of going to press we would publish them together with this instalment. Perhaps our readers will remember this offer; perhaps they won’t. Anyway, it is of no moment. But we are profoundly sorry to add that in the intervening three months chapters 9 to 20 inclusive have gone the same way; and a most frantic and heated search has failed to reveal their whereabouts. We had, obviously, to acquaint the author, Hecta Thee, of this fact, as a matter of form, and it was with some misgiving that we approached him. However our fears were needless; for the great man merely snapped his fingers characteristically and said, “ Tck 1 Tck ! what does it matter; what the eye does not see the heart cannot grieve; and, anyhow, what do a dozen chapters more or less matter in such a masterpiece as this?” So there you are; “ and th a t” (as the lisping bookmaker said) “ ith sthraight from the horthe’s mouth.” Now—take a tight grip on your smelling salts and read on— Harold felt his knees wobble. How was it, he dumbly thought, that the Dean had such a relaxing effect upon him. This would never do; he must appear brave if only for Marmite’s sake. He glanced quickly towards her, and saw that her terror-filled eyes were fixed in frightened fascination on the cowled and cassocked Dean, who in turn was leering evilly at Harold. For a time nothing broke the silence but the gurgling of the brook and the sighing of the trees. Then Harold braced himself and spoke. “ Well,” he said, with a contemptuous laugh, “ If it comes to that, what dost thou know about a boiler?” 12

“ Shut up ! thou poltroon,” roared the Dean, “ who’s doing the talking, thou or me?” No sooner had he said this than he placed the little finger of each hand in his mouth and gave a shrill whistle, and as if by magic the forest swarmed with murderous looking ruffians armed to the teeth. (Actually they were armed to the lips, because most of them hadn’t any teeth, and false ones, of course, had not then been invented). “ Seizim ! ” howled the Dean, pointing with outstretched hand at Harold. Maid Marmite screamed, and Harold, grasping her round the waist, sprang across the little clearing, so that he stood shielding her with his back close to a mighty oak. Then seizing his bow he broke it with one blow across his knee and flung it into the brook. This was a wise move, for he had left his quiver of arrows at the other side of the clearing. He alone possessed a bow, and should one of the Dean’s men gain it in the struggle which he knew was coming, all would be over with him. For the fellow would be able to sit down well clear of the turmoil and turn Harold into a pin cushion at his leisure. CHAPTER 7. And now the cut throats, fully a dozen in number, came bounding towards Harold and Marmite. Their swords flashed as they caught the sun; their yells awoke the echoes; while behind them the leering Dean looked on. “ Oh, Harold, darling,” panted Marmite, “ they’re coming.” “ Yes, sweetheart; keep behind me, and I’ll show them who’s who,” said Harold, sword in hand, and the light of battle in his handsome eyes. Then came the vibrant ring of steel on steel. The red sparks flew up ward, and Harold’s sword flashed backward and forward, and here and there, like greased lightning. For a time he held his own. The thought that Marmite was behind him gave him the strength of three men; but even then it was four to one, and the end came when he lunged at an ugly, wizened little ruffian who persistently jabbed him in the legs whenever the taller fellows gave him a chance. With a thrust quicker than the eye could follow Harold ran him through the gizzard, and crowing like a cock, the ugly one sank to his knees. For a moment Harold struggled to withdraw his sword, and as he did so the howling mob threw themselves upon him and bore him to the ground. Quickly they bound his hands behind him, and dragged him struggling before the Dean. CHAPTER 8. “ Now, my handsome bantam, listen to this, it is a warrant for thy arrest” ; and so saying, the Dean unrolled a large parchment and began to read: “ Oyez ! Oyez ! Whereas inasmuch as HaroId-are-ta-Theer is charged hereto fore and hereinafter before the High Court of Wakefield with robbing rich merchants, and moreover with being in arrears £22 15s. 6d. to— ” He got no further, for Marmite cried reproachfully, “ Oh, Harold,” and Harold, rendered speechless at such lies, with a movement that would have made a chorus girl blink, kicked the parchment out of the Dean’s hands. So sudden was the action that for a time the Dean stood staring stupidly between his hands where the parchment had been. Then he woke up. 13

“ Stringimup ! Stringimup ! ” he screamed.

“ The scurvy knave shall

die.” CHAPTER 21. “ Look, sweetheart, there is Mother Shipton; let us have our fortunes told,” said Harold gazing fondly at Marmite. Arm in arm they walked towards where the old witch was squatting in the snow in her filthy rags and black conical hat; energetically stirring with a wooden ladle a sticky, bubbling mess, in a cauldron over a smoky fire, and muttering incantations the while. “ Hello, Mother, what art thou doing in these parts?” sang out Harold jovially. “ Is that a Christmas pudding thou art mixing?” The old hag peered up at him from beneath her shaggy brows. “ Trade’s bad at Harrogate,” she croaked shortly, and went on stirring. Seating himself on a fallen tree, Harold threw her a gold piece. “ Do thy stuff,” he said. The hag picked up the coin, bit it, and thrust it away amongst her rags. Then staring fixedly at Harold and stirring the concoction slowly and rhythmically in a counter-clockwise direction (hitherto she had been stirring in a clockwise direction), she chanted: “ Boil, Boil, Stew, Broil; Pepper, Salt, and Linseed Oil; Bubble, Bubble, Women and Wine; Fill the Stein for Auld Lang Syne.” “ Rubbish ! ” exclaimed Harold, and impatiently rose to go. “ What?” screamed the witch, springing up. “ Thou dare tell ME that I am talking rubbish? My curse be upon thee ! ” and thrusting forward her scraggy neck, and stretching one hand over the centre of the boiling cauldron, while stirring furiously with the other, she pointed with a skinny finger at Harold and shrilled: “ Hearse, Hearse, Aye and worse, Handsome Devil, Thee I curse. Die, Death, Grave, Rot; May Thou go to— Damn ! It’s hot ! ” At these last words, with a shriek that was heard from Nottingham to Pudsey, she skipped back; alternately sucking at and blowing on her scalded fingers. “ Come, darling, let us away,” said Harold to Marmite. “ The old hae’s a fraud. Mai mite smiled loudly, and leaving the old witch cursing shrilly and cooling her burnt fingers in the snow, they strolled away side by side between the leafless trees into the gathering winter twilight. THE END. FOR THE REALLY BEST

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ADVICE FOR MINERS. (We have collected this information from examination papers. duced as originally given.— Ed.)

It is repro

THE MINER’S SAFETY LAMP was invented by R. L. Stevenson. Magnesium wire is used to prevent explosion. They are called safety lamps because no air of any kind can possibly get to the flame, and coal mines are simply flooded with foul gas. If we were to take a miner’s lamp into a room full of gas the lamp would blow up. VENTILATION means the inlet of fresh air for inspiration. As the warm air rises it goes up the chimney. When it get outside it gets cool again and thus gets in at the window again and goes on the same route. SAFETY. To prevent gas explosion happening in coal mines they don’t use gas but take lamps down with them. For protection in mines they have what is called a fire damp. PUMPING. The pressure of water at a great depth makes fish flat. (Candidates were asked for suggestions for raising water 25ft. The following were given):— Heat water in a vessel with a pipe leading up—expansion will make it rise. Put stones in a bottle. Use a chain bucket conveyor. By a hydrometer. By lowering a heavy body about the width of the well. (Principle of Archimedes, the body must be heavy enough.) (See our next issue for Advice to Chemists).

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^HFRE is a story told of a London lady who engaged a new domestic servantfrom the industrial north. One of her duties was to light the fire in the morning, and before retiring for the night : e gir nsked where the coal was kept. “ You must look in the c u p b o a r d on the left hand side of the fireplace,” said the mistress “ and there you will find two iars One of them contains the firewood, and the other the coal. g left by an early train next morning, leaving the lighting of the fire to tho. who had more experience of such economical methods. It is not to be assumed from the above that the value of coal is not appreciated but rather that it is perhaps considered a more vital necessity the colder and more trying climate of the north. The coal fire is very dear to the Englishman, especially in industrial districts, where a bright and duel ful fireside is a necessary contrast to the drabness of outside. But how many of those who enjoy the genial warmth of the fire, and i cheery flicker of the firelight, give a thought to the thousands who spend dreary days and nights in the bowels of the earth, fighting with nature and robbing her of her treasure of coal? When a disastrous explosion occurs, and hundreds of miners are lost, a wave of horror thrills them for a time, but it is soon forgotten A coal strike brings the miner into prominence as a rather disagreeable and unreasonab e type of person who is never satisfied, but very few have any real idea of his personality, or of the conditions under which he works. To understand the miner properly it will be necessary to know some thing of his history, to remember that not so very long ago he was practically a slave, and was bought and sold along with the mine where he was employed. In those bad old days the mines were badly ventilated; the air passed along in one continuous current from the beginning to the end of the mine and the condition of the atmosphere when nearing the return or upcast shalt can be better imagined than described. The men who hewed the coal were often entirely naked, and the coal when got was hauled along the narrow roadways, sometimes less than thirty inches high, by women or young children. These women and children brought boxes or tubs to where the coal-getter was working, and from there dragged the full tubs to the shaft by means of a chain passing round the waist and between the legs to the tub. It was hard work, and it is not to be wondered at that miners were men of low intelligence and had no longing for a larger intellectual life. The following quotation from a book published in 1820 is illuminating: “ It is startling to think there are many living amongst us who can remember when hanging" was such a common matter, when dog fights, cock fights, and bull baitings formed the staple amusement of the people; when the whole community was so brutalised that tender women and young children were allowed without remonstrance to work twelve or fourteen hours daily in dark coal pits, subject to cruel usage and foul abuse.” 16

I II I ' I J ' j {: • ' J Only forty years ago, just before the passing of the Coal Mines’ Act of 1887, it was a rare thing for those who worked in the mine to see daylight during the winter months, except at week-ends. The hours were long, the work hard, and the wages small. The housing conditions were often very bad and the home life of the miner left much to be desired. In circumstances such as have been described, the weaklings would probably succumb, and only the fittest survive, but those who survived would be men strong in body, physically brave, and because of the nature of their work, unusually self-reliant. Perhaps because of these qualities, together with the uncomfortable conditions of work, the miner in some cases gave way to excesses, and thereby gained an unenviable reputation. It is doubtful if in any other industry, improvement has been so rapid and sustained as in the mining industry. To-day the conditions of work are so much improved that in the writer’s opinion the lot of the miner is equal, if not superior, to that of the worker in any other industry. It is true that the work is dirty; that will always be the case, but it is free from the dealy monotony complained of in many other industries, and it is such as to develop initiative. Suppose we pay a visit— in imagination—to a large and modern colliery producing about a million tons of coal every year, and finding employment for about 3,000 men and boys. If we are sufficiently friendly with the manager, we may first of all be shown a plan of the mine, and it will probably cause us to wonder why our town planning is not done in a similar systematic manner.

As we propose to go to the “ coal face ” and see the miner at work we shall need a lamp to light up the dark roadways, so we pay a visit to the lamp room. He we see thousands of electric safety lamps in process of being cleaned, and we begin to realise how entirely the work of the miner depends upon the efficiency of his lamp. We take the lamps alloted to us and pass along towards the shaft, pausing on our way to see the fan which exhausts air from the mine, and thus allows fresh air to enter. It does not look very big, but it deals with fifteen thousand tons of air each day. The miner now has no lack of fresh air when at work. Entering the cage or lift we are lowered into the darkness at a speed of thirty miles^an hour, and before we have time to properly realise what is happening to us, we find ourselves 700 yards below the sunshine. Yet it is cheerful enough; plenty of whitewash on the walls and roof, plenty of electric light, and plenty of bustle. We might imagine ourselves to be at a very busy junction on some underground railway. But we have much to do, so we pass along towards the workings, which are more than a mile away. Walking is the only mode of locomotion possible, so we crrip our lamps firmly and step out towards the unknown. Walking is not difficult; only the tallest of us has to stoop a little, but it is warm, in spite of the fact that quite a breeze of air is blowing about us. We wish we had brought our tennis clothes, but we press on and then— we reach the dust. 17

Inert stone dust has been prescribed as the remedy for colliery explosions, and as we plod along through it we wonder if an explosion could be worse— but this is due to our inexperience. The height of the roadways now begins to get less, we have difficulty in bending our legs sufficiently, and when we have banged our heads a few times against the timbers supporting the roof, we do not need to ask why the mine official wears a leather cap. We are now approaching the “ face,” the roads become narrower and present a somewhat unsafe appearance; we hesitate, but on being assured that all is right, we remember the traditions of our race and press on. We come to a still lower place, and then—a few yards further on—we reach the “ face.” It is like another long road running at an angle to the one along which we have travelled, except that coal is on one side, and walls built of stone, with blank intervals, on the other. The miners are at work here, some getting down the coal, some putting up timber to support the roof, and some filling the coal into wagons. They are very scantily dressed and look very black, but they are really very cheerful, and ready for a joke with us. Our ability to crack a joke is considerably depreciated by reason of our hot walk, but we do our best. Having received an impression of the place where the coal is won we make our way back to the shaft, and thence to the surface, where we enjoy a hot bath such as we have never enjoyed before. Having cleaned the outer man and refreshed the inner, we spend some time in the village and try to understand something of the social and home life of the miner. We see the sports fields, the clubs and institutes, the public house, the church, and the various chapels—not forgetting the Salvation Army. We enquire about the mode of life of the miners, and learn that many are fond of beer; most are fond of gardening, and a fair number find their social interests in the activities and recreations in connection with church or chapel. As we walk along, enjoying the peacefulness of the village—and it is peaceful except in or about the public house— we hear the music of the village band, the tinkle of the piano, and the more sustained notes of the harmonium or organ. For the miner is musical and loves his organ. He is a very sociable being, and to be invited to tea by a miner of the best type is a pleasant experience. Tea is laid in the front room, and the table cloth is as white as one could wish. The table almost groans with the weight of good things, but the flowers are not forgotten. Unless you are a very strong minded person you will find it difficult to avoid eating more than is good for you, but you will probably “ damn the consequences ” and do your utmost. Aftei tea a smoke and some music, then in the twilight a Quiet chat and finally good night, with a “ come again soon.” * 4 At the public house—always well filled—the conversation of the early evening has by this time lisen to a roar. Manners are forgotten and the victor in the argument is the one whose voice is strongest Each man to his taste; but for me the tea, the music, and the talk. G. L. 18

v V n a t P r i c e W ea ill ? A POEM FOR CHRISTMAS. ’Twas Christmas Day at the Workhouse, and all the work was done. The oldest guest didn’t want to shave; the youngest said “ Tha mun, for to night it is our Christmas Feast, and old friends will be there. There’s Sarah Ann from Clerkenwell, and she can’t abide long hair.” “ What care I for Sarah Ann,” said the oldest guest with a grin. “ She’s right as a bobbin when she’s had a noggin, but give me a whiskey and gin.” That night in the fes tooned dining hall the fifty guests were squashed, and introductions followed fast, for, remember, they were washed. Then in walked the Workhouse Master and took his seat at the head. “ Friends, Romans, and countrymen, eat till you bust,” he said. The rafters rang at these kind words, and many feet thumped the floor. “ Three cheers for the Workhouse Master,” yelled Tired Tim from Labrador. Then corks popped loud and merrily, and turkeys were stripped bare. The mince pies went like hot-cross buns; the puddings soon weren’t there. At last rose the oldest guest, and climbed unsteadily on his chair. “ La’ies and gen’lemen,” murmered he, “ a speesh, I claim your ear.” “ Bravo ! Bravo ! ” roared the youngest guest, and raised his glass on high. “ Sit dahn ! Sit dahn ! ” shreiked Limehouse Sue. “ Oh ! someone tike ’im awye.” Then Glasgow Liz climbed on her seat and faced the oldest guest (the heroine of the Clyde was she), “ I’ll show ye who’s the best. Ye’re drunk, ye’re drunk, ye muckle foo’, ye ought to be in bed. Hurrah for Bonnie Scot land ! Scots wha’ hae wi’ Wallace bled ! ” On hearing this Pat Murphy jumped up with eyes ablaze, “ Shure now, and do I hear aright, or are my senses dazed?” He seized a dish of monkey nuts, and taking careful stand, he threw the lot with all his might at the braw girl fra Scotland. Liz toppled off her lofty perch with a squeal like a dying cat. And, as she sat down, Patrick said, “ Shure ye Scotch hag, take that ! ” And now the fun waxed furious, for native passions rose, and English, Scots and Irish fought with bottles, teeth and toes. The only Welshman in the hall was little Evan Thomas. “ Indeed to goodness now,” he gasped, “ they’ll kill each other a’mos’.” Then straight to the Master’s room he flew, and snatched the telephone. “ Oh, Sergeant send some constables; there’s murder being done; and doctors, dentists, ambulances; send the fire engine too. Oh, goodness gracious me indeed, whateffer shall I do?” Then came the police to take away the leaders of the band. “ Where’s the Master of this Workhouse?” was the Sergeant’s stern demand. They drew aside the tablecloth. “ Don’t wake ’im,” someone said. “ See ’ow ’e’s smilin’ in ’is sleep; ’e thinks ’e’s gorn to bed.” Thus ended a glorious Christmas Day, And all the guests agreed, ’Twas the finest fight they’d ever had, Saying nothing of the feed. 19

L. R. G.

B o re s

m anaC o

Being a comprehensive Hieroglyphic Forecast for the year J931, as affecting life at the Huddersfield Technical College With List ot Principal Fairs in England and Wales at the present time, and a General Inference for Shipping. PRINCIPAL FAIRS in England and Wales at present: Fair Stalled, Fair Hair, Fair Capped, Fair to Moderate, Fair Play (sometimes). They don’t have Fairs in Scotland. The General Inference for Shopping: See advertisement pages. JANUARY PREDICTIONS: Old Bore to the Staff and Students of the Huddersfield Technical College— Greetings, and may you all see stars. The Book of Destiny is full of Fate. The Cards of Life are on the carpet. Beware ! A strike of Miners in the College is indicated, in protest against page 11. The Physicists will take physic wth difficulty; the price of note books at the Office will be doubled, and unrest in the Art School is anticipated (see page 11). New Year Festivities will be marred by an attempt on the life of a dis tinguished cartoonist. On the 15th, the Chemical Society will discuss “ Catalysis.” Old Bore congratulates the Society on giving attention to this important subject. The action of the stars on our fates is the greatest known example of catalysis— their influence being all important, but themselves being unchanged by the reactions. May the Chemists learn to become masters of their fates. FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS: From the beginning to the end of this month that tyrant Neptune chases Venus all over the Zodiac. This means trouble for somebody; especially deep sea sailors, and all those whose work brings them in close proximity with water. Plumbing and dyeing students take warning. Wear a lifebelt all this month. On Shrove Tuesday, the 17th, THE MOCK TURTLE DANCE should be attended by all who desire to avoid disaster (financial), and to enjoy a good dance. On the 26th the Astrologer, Walton, will publicly discuss “ Meteor ites ” before the Chemical Society. Old Bore views this interference with the Heavenly bodies by outsiders with foreboding. Disaster is anticipated. Chemistry students should wear gas masks and asbestos pants at this period. MARCH PREDICTIONS: On the tenth instant a disturbing influence is felt among the Celestial bodies. The Great Bear in a fit of temper bites the Little Bear, which out of pique runs away with the Plough. This means that something shocking is going to happen at the Huddersfield Technical College; but Old Bore is not going to tell you what it is, because he savs if he does you will know as much as he does, and the General Astronomers, Clairvoyants and Fortune Tellers Union, of which he is a superannuated member, doesn’t allow things like that. On the 12th the Editor of the Mock Turtle will lecture to the Chemical Society. The collapse of the Society is to be expected. 13th: Assassination of the Editor. 20

APRIL—MAY—JUNE PREDICTIONS: During this period the Pole Star has one of its annual dizzy rounds, which by means of the purple-mauve rays is dangerously transmitted to students of both sexes. Old Bore says—Take care ! Girls— remember mother’s advice. Men—eyes right ! The stars foretell a catastrophe in the Physics Dept. The vile scheming of the creatures who infest the infernal regions immediately above will fill the Department more than usually with ether, benzine and other vapours. A smoker’s match will ignite the atmosphere and the Department will be des troyed. However, “ it’s an ill wind— .” The fire will be stayed when the realms above let one of their periodical floods through the ceiling. A College Swimming Bath will thus be formed. The Physics Course will be limited in the future to Hydrostatics, and the staff of the Department will demonstrate in bathing costumes. JULY PREDICTIONS: Everything is quiet this month, but Old Bore does not like it. It is the hush before the storm. The prominence of Mercury indicates high temperature, and a decline in attention to studies. Many will absent themselves from the College towards the end of the month, and a well known member will set out upon a long journey. AUGUST PREDICTIONS: The Heavens are in an uproar. Jupiter and Mars, egged on by Saturn are fighting each other hammer and tongs. This denotes considerable agitation amongst the Technical College Authorities, the outcome of which may be playing fields, but Old Bore doubts it. SEPTEMBER PREDICTIONS: Several new students will probably join the College. The moon rises upside down this month. Bakery students be warned ! Take care that your bread doesn’t do likewise. On the 11th great crowds will invade the College in the evening. What is it that draws this multitude? The Mock Turtle will be on sale. OCTOBER PREDICTIONS: This is a gala month. Orion’s Belt becomes loose, causing the stars Aldebaran and Sirius to fall. An outbreak of measles is indicated, and the College will be closed for a fortnight. New Common Rooms will be furnished, and the foundation stone of the new Chemistry Dept., outside the present buildings, will be laid. NOVEMBER PREDICTIONS:A dull month. The half-term holiday will be held on a Sunday instead of on a Saturday as heretofore, to avoid inter fering so much with h e work of the College. It is no use blaming Old Bore for this. He can’t help it ! DECEMBER PREDICTIONS: This will be a most remarkable month. All the stars are on ood terms and twinkling for all they’re worth. Hence all students will pass heir examinations with flying colours, and the Staff will thus be saved a good deal of money which ordinarily goes on tonics for frayed nerves and insomnia. A most gratifying finis to a turbulent year. Old Bore; to the Itaff and Students of the Huddersfield Technical College — Farewell. The black cat sleeps; the gas burns low; the crystal becomes dim. It is finished. 21

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O t] k e r C o lle g e A c tiv itie s . BIOLOGICAL NOTE. It is Winter. Most species of the Secretary Bird are therefore hibernating. This accounts for the scarcity of news of College Societies. Our usual invi tation has been sent out; but the Secretaries have overslept and missed the bus this time. Members of the respective societies might put down motions of censure on their secretaries for their next meetings. Anyhow, they should have lots of news for our next issue.— Ed. “ EARL HAIGH ” FUND—ANNUAL EFFORT. The annual effort began on Friday evening, Nov. 7th, with the collection and sale of Poppies and copies of “ Wise and Otherwise,” by women students. The collection realised £7 8s. Od. On the Saturday, in response to the appeal made by the Mayoress, Constance E. Armitage, Eileen Chaffer, Hilda A. James, Barbara Lodge, Nellie Robinson and Helen Wyllie volunteered service on the Central Stall in the Market Place, where their help was much appreciated. In the evening the usual Whist Drive was held in the Old Reading Room, Mrs. Hudson again acting hostess, with Mr. N. Booth (Textile Department) as M.C. The two gentlemen’s prizes were provided by Mrs. J. F. Hudson, and the ladies’ by Edna M. Haigh and Minnie Lodge. The entertainment usually held in the afternoon took place at nine o’clock, at the conclusion of the Whist Drive, when members of the Dramatic Class gave very enjoyable recitals to a very large and appreciative audience. The excellent performance given by Helen Wyllie merited the enthusiastic congratulations she received from the hostess and many others. Mrs. Hudson, in a few words, thanked all those who had worked so hard to make the effort such a success. Much of the success of the effoit was due to the senior men students who helped as stewards, and did the hard work, also to members of Toe H. and the O.S.U. In the laige Hall, the Revellers Band played for the dancing, and a very en joyable programme was provided. The total amount raised for the Fund was £21. I He SWIMMING CLUB. We are again at the end of the Swimming season, though I do hear that one keen member would like to swim all the year round. That is the spirit we all should develop if possible, then perhaps the baths would remain open all the year round. 1 The membership of the Club during the last season was about 30; many ° L mef ers(r re V s* ' mmf s>whils‘ about 50% were beginners, some of whom have the making of good swimmers We hope the membership will be considerably increased next year so wHH oin^The ben^f Phy?1Cal. reason> it is to be hoped that all day students will join. The benefits of swimming are great, and the cost verv small- six pence membership fee, and a charge of 4d. at each attendance at the baths. holidavs untnS he h became ^ me lle llaci never realised what his summer no it ays had°lacked had lacked until a swimmer. Remember if vou are not a swimmer, you will never enjoy that feeling of mastery which one gets when 22

against the wild sea waves. Therefore make up your mind to join the Club, and your pals, who are swimmers, will teach you how to acquire that amphibious feeling. It has always been my wish to see teams representing different depart ments of the College swimming for a Club Shield. Now, if we could get sufficient members to form the teams, I am sure the shield would be forth coming. Just a word to our members. I want you to develop the crawl stroke and increase your speed, so that we may run a good team next summer, as we shall probably be called upon to defend the Cup we now hold. —Yours, OTTER.

o. s. u.

We have great pleasure in announcing that Florence Tattersall has been selected to play the leading part in “ The Ivory D oor” (Milne), which is to be produced by the Thespians, at the Theatre Royal, on December 8th, and during the week. Several other members of the College are also taking part. It is hoped to have a “ College ” night. All desiring to attend this perform ance are asked to give in their names at the Library. MADAM, WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME? Those students who are keen on the social side of the College life are urged to take notice of the fact that several social functions have been can celled at the last moment recently, owing to the lack of REAL WORKERS Any slackers can run social functions, trusting that some kind persons are willing to spend the whole of the evening, after having paid for their own tickets, washing up in the kitchen, serving supper, and clearing away after wards; to say nothing of a compulsory appearance on the Monday morniim to see that all is right. There has also been appalling carelessness with re gard to crockery, etc. Those students breaking crockery should at least re place the articles they have broken. The crockery lent us belonged originally, and does yet, I believe, to the Chemical Society. One thing further if help is not forthcoming from the WOMEN STUDENTS OF THIS COLLEGE there is every likelihood of the social life coming to a speedy close. For the last Hockey Dance held at the College and this year’s Poppy Dance the thanks of the organizers are due to a very small proportion of the fair sex; and it is only fair to say that if it had not been for the men students, fiasco would have been the result. —FED UP. WHAT IS A CHEMIST? Magistrate (Mi. Campion, at Tower Bridge Court).* “ I see you describe yourself as a chemist? Are you a member of the Pharmaceutical Society?” Accused: No; I m a crane driver at an Epsom Salts works.” A round ruler cannot measure its own circumference, much less can a ball measure its own diameter, and we must be content to confine our scientific investigations to the sphere prescribed by psychological limitations. —J. J. Elliot in “ The Engineer,” 14/2/30. 23

MIXED HOCKEY CLUB. Last year the Club had a most successful season but t h ^ y e a r f fte je a m has had to be reorganised owing to the captan > ,„ jt’ teamf Whittle pool, where he has secured a place m one of the: Varsty teams w was not only the chief sc o re rb“* " aJLs ^^oweverr his successor a* caeptainrSRaynel'1ShasSa"s^ undertaken the ^position of centre forward with great success Two new members, Pilling and Livesev are doing good work Tor us, and with our old strong defence of Margaret Freda May and Plucker ODDonents should find it difficult to score. Daniels, of couisc, has Lee scoring freely as usual, and now that the players are settling down to new positions mors matches should bs won. ... , , , , i The’first occasion a full side went on the field was celebiatec y breaking the record of St. Wilfred’s, who up to then had not lost a match. St Wilfred’s have the reputation of being a very strong team, and the match W3S A 'ne'w S yon tlTfixture list is Bat.ey Technical College The two technical colleges have not met before on the hockey fie d and by the time this appears in print it is hoped that Huddersfield will have shown its The Club has no official referee; but Miss Jessie Westerby, who was injured last season while keeping goal for us, has officiated for our home matches. Her services are greatly appreciated, but it would be of great assistance if someone else would volunteer to take charge of one or two of the home matches to release her occasionally. Any offers of services as referee would be appreciated, and if there are any students who would like to join the Club they are invited to attend a home match and introduce themselves. The fixtures are:— Oct. 4— Walton ..................................... away Lost 3— 5. , 11— Leeds School of Art ........... away Won 5— 1. „ 18— Pudsey ........................................away Lost 2—4. „ 25— Stairfoot ....................................away Lost 2— 4. Nov. 1—Ovenden ...................................home Won 6— 1. „ 8—St. Wilfred’s ............................. home Won 3—2. „ 15—H opkinsons................................ away „ 22—Eccleshill ...................................away „ 29— T hu rlsto n e..................................away Dec. 6— Batley Technical College... home „ 13— Storthes Hall ........................ away

Dec. 20—St. Wilfred’s ..........................away ,, 27—Leodonians................................. away Jan. 3—Leodonians............................... home „ 10—Honley .................................... home „ 17—Batley Technical College... away „ 24—South Bradford ................... home „ 21—Thurlstone................................ home Feb. 7—Storthes Hall ......................... home ,, 14—Ovenden ..................................away „ 21—Hopkinsons............................... home ,, 28—South Bradford .................... away Mar. 7—H onley..................................... away „ 14—Pudsey ..................................... home „ 21—Eccleshill .................................home 28—W alto n ..................................... home Apl. 18— Leeds School of Art .......... home

Unfortunately the Hockey Dance had to be postponed; but it is hoped to hold a Dance during March, particulars to be announced later.

The man who says we can’t alter things— is one of the things. 24

GET A NICE PIECE OF CARDBOARD. punch two holes near the top, and thread a piece of ribbon through. Now write this on it: MEM.: “ Feb. 9. To buy two tickets for the Mock Turtle Dance next week.” “ To ’phone Elsie that I have a ticket for her. (Watch the notice board).” “ Feb. 17.

Shrove Tuesday. The Dance of the Winter: The Mock Turtle Dance.”

Now hang the card in your bedroom beside the clock. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

A WISE YOUTH ! There was a young man of Holmfirth Who regretted the day of his birth. One day, as he sighed, A Mock Turtle he spied, Now he can’t do his work for his mirth. —L.R.G. He has since sent 1/9 to the Business Manager of The Mock Turtle, and he gets his copies promptly by post, post free, at his home. That is the way to be up-to-date, and in the swim. It helps us, too. Just think about becoming a subscriber yourself. P.S.—Getting down to brass tacks—If your Uncle stocks them, or other goods, tell him he will sell them if he puts an ad. in the M-T. (Rates on application).

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