arE YOU a cOnfIdEnT BEIng? Shona Russell

voice of judgement and standards. This social checking mechanism tells us when we are getting too much and need to pull things in and, ideally, can also bring us up when we are feeling down. Unfortunately, this ability to self-regulate, lift up out of low-energy emotions, and calm down high arousal levels, doesn’t always work optimally.

When the punishing and frightening aspect of the superego is dominant, anxiety and avoidance of shame ruin self-confidence. An inner voice echoes, ‘why try when I am likely to fail and ruin things?” All the external support and evidence to the contrary will not silence this inner tyrant. This is the voice of limitation.

Limitation?

Inscribed on the temple of Delphi were the words “Know Thyself” and this is the best option in understanding one's inner conflicts. A good idea is to externalise the arguments, tiered approach. It includes knowing ones’ self and being relatively okay with who you are, entails letting go of perfectionism, or, more should be. For people with high inner standards, perfectionism can prevent confidence either through resistance to trying anything until you feel you will be perfect, or lapsing into the fear of failure discussed above.

Self-compassion is more important in this case than confidence, and it’s hard to have one without the other. When we have compassion for ourselves we can forgive the mistakes of ourselves and others. Compassion can calm the critical voice replacing the sympathy we may not have got as a child.

Tolerance for the frustration of trying is another significant component of confidence.

How Do We Overcome The Voice Of

How can you try if you can’t bear the effort? Also, gaining awareness of, and letting go of our need to try and make other people happy at the expense of ourselves. Always identify your needs in a situation, then you are far more likely to make sure at least one person is taken care of!

When the voice of the inner critic is recognized Negative self-talk in any form needs to be as a destructive or damaging internal dialogue, uncovered and neutralised. If we don’t have the person has a chance to change. But, when the ability to know ourselves and identify our the voice takes over and scares one into a state own inner inhibitory voice then not only can of immobility, self-esteem and confidence goes it take over, but it can get projected out and down the tube. seen as coming from other people. A belief speak them out as if you were having a Our reality is ours. It is better we know and conversation with two parts of your-self give ourselves the attention, compassion (because this is exactly what is happening and encouragement we need. The more we within you). In this way you get the fear understand about who we truly are, the less we fantasies out in the open so their power is not operate on an automatic level. Our confidence going around in your head and then you can then is based in knowing who we are, being start to get evidence against them. okay with failing and succeeding, being able Building greater self-confidence is a multi- succeed. pushing boundaries of behaviour, and dealing CLArISSA MOSLEY with the inner voice of limitation. This Psychologist, Psychotherapist importantly, the idealised image we think we Click here to work with me. that they are judging you. to give it a go and forgive ourselves if we don’t

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Find ConFidenCe To TrusT YourselF

What a great topic for an article – and what a great This last paragraph sums up quite nicely how challenge to write something about it. confidence is either solid or shaky. One either has To begin with, I have to delve into a bit of my own question is why? Why is it either there or not there? inner confidence to be able to start writing on the confidence to do something or one does not. The deeper topic of confidence. The first question that comes Generally speaking, confidence comes from our to mind – and which has the potential to shake my experience in having done something well; having confidence – is; ‘What do I know about confidence? achieved something with a successful outcome. If – Do I know enough to be able to write a worthy we have tried and failed, tried and got it wrong, article on this topic?’ then our confidence can be lost, even shattered.

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The word ‘confidence’ comes from the late Middle English: from Latin ‘confidentia’, from ‘confidere’ ‘have full trust’.

Trusting in oneself is the real key to having (self) confidence. It is about trusting one’s ability to do a task; to complete something with success. In situations where the trust is lacking there is often that voice of ‘doubt’ that creeps in. The voice that knows that there has been a previous, similar situation where the outcome was not satisfactory or had a negative impact in some way. confidence is often difficult to rebuild. Old stories, myself ‘a writer’. another good example. It is actually one of the top Thankfully, with some training, confidence can be Oftentimes the words ‘fake it until you make it’ are used. This can be a good strategy at times, as the mind will eventually get the message that it is ‘safe’ to do the thing that was deemed ‘unsafe’ to begin with. Safety is often the key aspect that is missing in situations where confidence is void. As I have shared already, our childhood experiences play a big part in our confidence development and, if, as a child, we felt unsafe, unsupported or misunderstood, then that old story stays in the sub-conscious mind and pops up whenever the ‘memory’ (or soul feeling)

Confidence building starts at a very young age. Our Giving children positive messages (but be cautious first steps, our first interactions and our first time in of false hope) is great for confidence building. Fear school is where we start this journey. Depending on and doubt are not good, and it is often the case that how our efforts and actions are received and accepted, one, or both of these things get embedded into our judged, rejected or ignored will determine if we being from a very early age. This, of course, then gather and build our confidence or not. Once broken, stops or lessens one’s confidence. old memories and old saboteurs can play havoc with I like to use the phrase ‘Name ‘IT’ and Tame ‘IT’’ our mind if we have had our confidence broken. when working with people with confidence building. In truth, writing this article is actually quite a to begin. The work can then be done to tame ‘it’. challenge for me. My confidence in getting all of This is where some good holistic psychotherapy can my punctuation, grammar and sentence structure help. One area where this is useful is with ‘Anxiety’. right plays on my mind. The reason for this is, I did Meditation, breathing and being still helps to build not get the correct education in English class when confidence with one’s control of the mind and body, I was at school. I have had to teach myself and get and helps to lessen anxiety. And, once again, there others to help me improve my writing throughout is generally a story that caused the anxiety, so my adult life. I have had to find some self-belief; naming and taming ‘it’ is the way to start dealing some confidence from within, to be able to call with it. is triggered. Naming the ‘thing’ that is in the way is a good place Reading through this now, before sending it off to Interestingly, I have published several books and am be published, has caused a minor flare up of anxiety about to get my first novel published. It has taken (fear) in me, as I have now exposed my vulnerability a lot of confidence building to do this and there are in some way by writing about my own (lack of) still moments when I have to breathe deeply to hold confidence. However, by continually naming and that confidence. That inner voice of ‘the critic’ can facing and working on my fears and doubts and be very loud sometimes! old stories, I lessen them and build up my self- There are many areas of life where we have to find you to look at and build up your confidence in some our confidence to do something. Public speaking is way too. ten fears. Standing in front of people and speaking ADrIAn HAnKS from a stage can be terrifying for many people. Life Mastery Coach confidence. I trust that this article has also helped built up to support people to do public speaking and many other things if their confidence is lacking. Click here to work with me.

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Connection To All

During a recent assessment of a young male client I asked, “What is the most important thing to him in his life?” He replied, “Connectivity to people.”

I asked him to expand on that and why it was so important to him. His reply was; “To make my life seem more significant as we are all connected on some level.”

To say we are all connected on some level is what the philanthropists tell us, and metaphysics believe that our connectivity far expands our conscious mind.

I like to look upon life in real time, to be living in the present, which paves the way for a strong foundation within oneself. From this foundation we can form valued inspired and worthwhile meaning to our connectedness with others. You see we create a beautiful ripple effect, like the pebbles across the water, and with everyone that we cross paths with, we have that effect.

Be it the person at the grocery store, or sitting next to someone on a bus or train, waiting in a queue. Whenever we are near another person, we are connected in the unseen energy spaces between us.

It has come to be known that our thoughts affect our energy. On a more practical level it is easy to see the energy of a person simply by observing their posture, their way of walking and how they speak. Our spoken words are full of energy and connect with the person who hears them on much deeper levels than can be seen by the human eye.

At any time you are in another person’s energy field, you can change the connectedness through a kind word or gesture.

I like the ideology of the young man whereby he feels that connectivity makes life seem more significant. For me connectedness begins with self, you see to live a life of harmony and fulfillment one must first be connected to one’s own heart and soul. This is not so easy for many people, because the distractions that are created in this life take us further and further away from our heart, and from hearing the song of our soul, or even the guidance of our soul.

To have a deep connection between our heart and soul is our foundation. It is in this that we have a place of infinite strength and energy from which to draw on throughout our life. It is from this well of energy and strength that we can heal ourselves and find peace. When we have the foundation of connectedness to our true self, our heart and soul, our connection with others change. Life becomes more harmonious, easier if you will. All of nature is full of connectedness, it is full Nature is a force to be reckoned with and a force we understand the way of nature and we watch and support others in their path. Which brings me back to being like the ebb and flow of nature. We do not see the demand for place or power in nature, all things grow and expand together.

When we can be in a place of connectedness, we experience a life that is joyful and peaceful. The overall affect is the pebbles over the water, the ripple effect. And the continuous connectedness expands more than our energy and mind can see. To be connected to one's heart is in fact the most amazing journey that we could take in our life, it is also one that brings us to having deeper connections with everyone we choose.

To be connected to our soul is the greatest journey that we can take in this life. So often we find that our time in our connectedness is run by the mind. The mind is where we find our connectivity to all things. Things from our forefathers, our parents and the schooling systems.

Connection and connectivity for me expands All connectivity has its place, but at the end beyond the human connection. Our connection of the day the connection that you have with to nature, the forest, oceans, rivers and animals your own heart and soul is the most important. and even air and sunshine is the way for us to As mentioned in the article earlier, this is our know true connectivity to all living beings. foundation that provides us with a deeper sense of energy. It is through our ability to connect Connectivity expands beyond the conditioned with nature that we can have a greater sense of mind and the noise of the mind. Connectivity place in the world. It is through our connection beyond the mind means we can embrace a strong with animals that we can find a deeper sense of foundation of being grounded and centred from compassion. the earth, up through the physical self, and that mankind is not able to control. Through Connectivity to Mother Earth and all life force acceptance of this force we come to have a greater, from Mother Nature is what allows us to enjoy deeper understanding of being connected. When a sustainable world, therefore a sustainable life. of knowing and understanding of connection. beyond what can be seen. how nature is connected in every way, we see that Freedom, peace and harmony can be found nothing in nature has resistance. Nature simply through connectivity to oneself. Through ebbs and flows. It blooms and it passes without learning and applying daily practices such as resistance. It does not hold on to what has been. spending time in nature, sitting in a quiet space, It is when we can sit in that connectedness and allowing the mind to be quiet, we can connect understand the ebb and flow of nature, we are able to our innate wisdom and the energies around to bring a greater sense of significance to life. To us. Through this knowledge we can call upon use the words of the young man, connectedness the powerful healing energy that resides within allows us to have a way of being able to share all of us.

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Learning the art of paying attention to the breath, and doing simple practices such as 5 deep slow breaths, 3 times a day brings a greater sense of awareness, therefore connectivity to oneself.

Looking within our own heart is often a challenge for many of us. Within the heart, little do we know, there are many things that we have held that we do not wish to look at. I encourage you to be courageous, to let your heart speak and then hear the messages of your heart. It is here that you find freedom. It is here that you can begin the release of pain, sorrow and even resentment and anger. To begin the journey of forgiveness is the greatest connectivity that you can have with yourself.

Daily practices such as enjoying a freshly made juice, eating fresh fruit and vegetables that are seasonal, is another practice that you can do to increase your connectivity to yourself. Food affects the connectivity of your physical body on a cellular level. It is this connectivity which determines the overall health of the body. The intention you have in your thoughts, that will increase your connectivity, is to build a the demands of going to work and of doing our job. standing next to someone in a queue, or sitting next to them on a bus or a train, the same applies to the work environment. It is your intention of what you wish to bring into the work environment, which then creates the connectivity you experience.

You can create the ripple effect in your workplace, you are able to change an environment that is unpleasant, perhaps stressful, through the way you connect to yourself first. The actions and reactions you make in the workplace, such as being present in all that you do, rather than participating in office gossip. Maintaining your focus on the tasks that you have at hand, and staying present with those tasks, is what will enhance the connectivity throughout your work environment.

Tiredness and exhaustion can be overcome through applying daily practices of connectivity, first to self, then through the principle of the ripple effect, to reach out to others, no matter where you are whether you are at work, play or home.

Spending time with people who inspire, motivate, Some may say that a lot of what we experience in listen to, and encourage you is another way of the workplace or in relationships is put upon us bringing greater connection to others into your because of the restraints in the workplace, or by life. It is also how you bring a greater depth of the behaviour of a spouse or child. I would say it is connectivity for others. Again, the ripple effect a perception, and therefore something that can be comes into play. changed through being present. Through being It is the ripple effect that brings us to a more first. Then sending that beautiful connectivity meaningful way of connection between people. out to all around you, in the workplace. words and actions affects the level of conscious Some practices that you can use to enhance your connection. With greater intention through connectivity for all who reside with you in your conversations, you are able to bring healing light home is to spend time with each other laughing, and joy to others. Remembering that as you do, playing, indulging in some fun games that bring you expand the ripple effect, and it goes beyond about a lightness, so it uplifts the energy between what your conscious mind is able to perceive, and everyone. And of course, the power of a hug, a far beyond what your eyes are able to see. most beautiful tactile interaction is the greatest Another practice that you can do on a daily basis and what we can share with others. strong foundation of what it is you would like to GWEnDA SMITH be able to achieve each day. So often we get lost in Holistic Lifestyle Mentor & Educator aware, and choosing to be connected to yourself connectivity that we can experience for ourselves Remember earlier in the article where I mentioned you have a connectivity, even when you are Click here to work with me.

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WOrd SEarcH

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