Humor Times, May 2011 by Humor Times

“If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about the answers.” – Thomas Pynchon Issue #233

May 2011

Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News

Merely $

(About half th 3 ! a subscriptioat with n!)

Humor Times: 20 Years of Political Satire

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Editor’s Letter

This Year, Give Something Really Special for Mother’s Day

I’d like to tell you how great our 20th Anniversary Variety Show Extravaganza was, but as of this writing, it hasn’t happened yet. But I hope you were there! On to our next 20 years, hopefully. I love this job, but it hasn’t exactly made anyone over here rich. That’s ok, but it would be nice if we could grow a tad bit faster. If you love – or even like – the Humor Times, please help us spread the word. I know political satire is very popular – just look at the success of The Onion, Funny Times, and TV shows like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. And I do believe if everyone knew about our humble little publication, a good bet is 35% of them would really dig it, and a good percentage of those folks might even subscribe. That’s a lot of people. Our competitors are doing quite well, but they’ve had a marketing budget to work with. We don’t have that, so we have to grow slowly. That’s where you come in! When you’re done reading it, please give or loan your copy to someone you think would appreciate it. Tell folks about us. “Like” and “Favorite” us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/HumorTimes), and tell all your “virtual” friends about us and our website (soon to be revamped, www.humortimes.com). Follow our tweets (twitter.com/humortimes) and re-tweet some. Give Humor Times subscriptions as gifts – the gift that keeps ’em laughing all year long! Graduation is right around the corner, show someone how smart you think they are by giving them the gift that celebrates intelligent humor! Give them as birthday gifts, holiday gifts, any time of year! Thanks for all your support through the years... here’s to the next twenty – may they be just as fun! – James Israel, Publisher/editor

Month of May Special! For a Family of Four,

Mom Goes FREE! Trip must be scheduled for the month of May, 2011. Reserve your trip now, while we still have spots open!

Surf raftwet.com

to our website

for special discounts!

1.888.RAFTWET Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet

E R R I V

P S T R I

At The Best Western PLUS Med Park Inn & Suites, guests will find friendly customer service and comfortable accommodations at an affordable rate. This Sacramento hotel offers well-appointed guest rooms, each featuring cable satellite television, microwave, refrigerator and highspeed wireless Internet access. Amenities include complimentary continental breakfast, a business center, and a fitness room. For more information, please call 916-455-4000 or toll-free at 800-780-7234. Or visit us on the web at www.bestwestern.com/prop-05682.

CHECK US OUT ONLINE! Our website is www.humortimes.com, our Facebook page is at www.facebook.com/HumorTimes (fan us!), and we tweet at twitter.com/humortimes.

2356 Stockton Boulevard Sacramento

IF YOU SUBSCRIBE to the Humor Times, you may log in to your account (use the link at humortimes.com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues, in PDF or “Flip page” format. The online edition features color on every page. Enjoy! GOT YOUR OWN RANT? We’re sure you have your opinions too, so please visit our online Humor Times Forum at humortimes.com/forum/ and have your say. Discuss issues with other Humor Times readers, or feel free to rant about whatever’s on your mind!

Enjoy

Vic’s Ice Cream $1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1

Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada. . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

May, 2011

448-0892 Also Available at:

If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 Please Check if RENEWAL

3199 Riverside Blvd. Sacramento

BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 233, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.

HUMOR TIMES

Taxation With Unequal Representation Corporations are good at jumping through hoops...

and know how to cook the books.

G.E. is one of the most innovative...

bringing “good things to light.”

We would love to be in their shoes...

but there’s only one way for that to happen.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Tears of a Clown The unthinkable happened...

Heard 5pm Thurs. on

kdvs 90.3 FM

and it was obviously a conspiracy...

www.kdvs.org

and 6pm Wed. on

Podcasting at radioparallax.com! I listen to Radio Parallax to hear what everyone’s talking about!

kzfr 90.1 FM Auburn, CA

RADIO PARALLAX – Perspectives Seldom Heard Elsewhere Douglas Everett examines topics in science, technology, politics, history, current events and whatever the hell he pleases. Probing analysis, original comedy and timely interviews with guests like Will Durst, Bill Moyers, Daniel Schorr, Walter Cronkite, Vincent Bugliosi, John Dean, Mary Roach, Freeman Dyson, Al Franken, Jim Lehrer, Joseph Wilson, Bob Edwards, Michael Parenti, Michael Pollan, Willie Brown, Greg Palast, Dr. Dean Edell, P. J. O’Rourke, Lowell Bergman, Ray Bradbury, Neil deGrasse Tyson and many more. Air America may no longer be available locally, but KDVS is still here providing the food for thought which open-minded listeners demand!

leaving Beck to wander in the wilderness.

42nd Annual

Whole Earth Festival May 6, 7, 8 2011 U.C. Davis Quad “Consciousness Cultivating Compassion” ZERO-WASTE Live Music on Four Stages May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

The GOP Searches for Mr. Right America: You’re Fired! I want to know. You want to know. The whole world wants to know. What’s the deal with the surprising retiring Republicans? Not age-related retiring as in shawl-on-the-lap watching the 3rd DVD of the 5th season of Matlock with a glass of tepid tea on the side table. Retiring as in coy, reticent, withdrawn. Obviously, we are not speaking of those pesky majority members of the House – demure as an over-caffeinated grizzly on roller skates gallivanting down a fashion runway and yes, that means you, Kate Moss. This discussion specifically concerns the 2012 GOP presidential candidates or more precisely, lack thereof. That is not to say they aren’t busy. Like the haunted topiary maze in “The Shining” the usual suspects can occasionally be spied skulking on the edge of your peripheral vision. Floating trial balloons with fingers in the air to see which way the wind blows. Dipping toes in the water to ascertain the temperature of shark-infested waters. Running position papers up flagpoles to determine which focus groups salute. Waiting for the other shoe to drop while creeping around barefoot playing the Crying Game. Normally by this time in an election cycle, running against a vulnerable incumbent in a sluggish economy, you’d have about 80 gazillion candidates and their brothers scrambling down and dirty in the mud biting each other’s knees for supremacy in the all important money scrum. This year, not so much. A variation on the old 60s bumper sticker: “What if they threw an election and nobody came?”

The situation has become so dire, NBC canceled a May 2nd GOP Presidential debate due to lack of interest. Not by the viewing audience. That’s a given. The network’s predicament was a lack of participants. A game of political chicken with everybody waiting for someone else to cluck first. And these are some mean mother-cluckers. As if in a recurring bad dream, Newt Gingrich replicated a dodgy feint from yesteryear, calling a press conference to officially announce he may or may not be looking to set up an exploratory committee to talk to some people who might investigate the possibility of him perhaps considering making a run for the Presidency, later on, maybe. Some day. Why? Because America deserves decisive leadership, that’s why. ABC News compiled a list of 23 potential Republicans who have either talked about or are expected to take a flying leap at the brass monkey ring. 23. That’s two entire football teams with room left over for Mike Huckabee to encourage them from the sidelines strumming “Pardon Me” on the guitar. But not one of the 23 has declared. So, since nature and billionaire blowhards abhor a vacuum, along comes Donald Trump vowing to spend 600 million of his own money seeking the Presidency. Which to you and me would be a nickel. His plans predictably include running the country the way he would a business. Great. “America: You’re Fired!” Then recruit underpaid immigrants to replace us as citizens.

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

Accelerating the pace. As far as loose cannons go, Trump is a broken pallet of greased wheels on thin ice. The fount of many imponderables. Such as, having proven HE was born in America, what about that thing on his head? And does it require an antidote for when it stings? With armed forces at his disposal how soon before the pre-emptive strike on Rosie O’Donnell? Armageddon at the DC Corral It’s way too early to sort out the winners and the losers in the big budget showdown on Capitol Hill. They’re still extricating bodies from behind the hay bales of the Gunfight at the DC Corral and will be for months. It’ll take even longer to identify the whitehatted good guys from the no-good-rustlers-of-the-public-trust. All depends on your point of view. Everybody thinks they’re Wyatt Earp. Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats got exactly what they wanted, which normally indicates a win for the country, but the Tea Party is still madder than hell. The word compromise is not in their vocabulary. Then consider their plans to finance further tax cuts for the rich by laying off Head Start teachers, and apparently neither are the words “community,” “compatible” or “unanimity.” This ideological strife did prove the perfect opportunity for President Obama to show off his abilities to accommodate, negotiate, placate and facilitate. He’s smoother than a baby’s butt dipped in a polyurethane bath. Like phlegm on Teflon. Flexibility, never his Achilles Heel. Gumption, however, was. The question had less to do with the existence of a backbone, and more with the rigid ingredients in its makeup. The boniness, so to speak. What level of bonacity in his spine. How petrified the vertebrae. Was it the consistency of a Tupperware dish full of lime Jell-O with carrot shreds forgotten in the back seat of a station wagon in New Mexico on an August afternoon, or made of sterner stuff? The question cries out for the NSF to develop a scale of bone and organ density. On one end you’d have Charlie Sheen’s liver and on the other, Rand Paul’s skull. Above and astride the fray, the president exhibited unambiguous signs of calcium augmentation signing a bill that calls for budget cuts of 38 billion, 62% less than the symbolic ground of 100 billion the Tea Party staked their tent posts of revolution on last fall. Nevertheless, a figure significantly larger than the progressive wing of his party desired, which can best be measured in multiples of zero. But if you think the passage of this legislation signals a respite from these budget battles, you’re more misguided than the poor sap trying to finance a new wing of Vegas condos with adjustable mortgages and no money down. The confrontations intensify from here on out. Just like the Broad way pro duc tion of “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark,” this struggle was but a preview. Oh sure, choreography will be tinkered with and some higher-flying rigging secured, and a few minor plot points might change, but underneath it’ll be the same old cast mouthing the same tired dialogue. “We are good and right and true and just, while they are attempting to destroy the country by killing the elderly with red hot forks to the eyes and blah, blah, blah.” Next up: raising the national debt ceiling, then a long term budget deal, both of which promise to make this encounter look like a slap fight in a Catholic School girl’s locker room. Got to remember, approaching an election year, any war of words inevitably escalates from conventional into the nuclear exchange variety. Say hello to our old friend, Mutually Assured Destruction; back and tan and rested. As Doc Holliday exits left, Dr. Strangelove moves down stage front.

May, 2011

When Regulators Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Believe In Regulation Americans feel slightly taken advantage of...

by sly bankers...

but theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re just people too. The haves have a way of distracting the have-nots...

perfected by the Koch brothers... and somehow workers get all the blame.

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

Budget Battle Royale Everyone sees the problem differently...

but all agree it is a toxic mess.

Budget negotiations are delicate affairs... but the Speaker kept his herd under control.

Suddenly, like a White Knight, in rode Ryan... whose plan seemed too good to be true. (continued)

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Hydrogarden Closer inspection revealed some inconsistencies...

SUN SY HPS OR STEM Mh400 ST ARTING $

199 00

Hydroponics • Organic Nutrients Indoor Greenhouse Lights & MUCH MORE Largest selection available • Low price guarantee Citrus Heights Hydrogarden 8043 Greenback Lane • 916-728-GROW (4769)

Mystic Gardens 8484 Florin Rd. #110 • 916-381-2464

Grass Valley Hydrogarden 12520 Loma Rica Dr. #3 & 4 • 530-477-2996

Mystic Gardens II 1918 16th St. • 916-447-4769

but sacrifices would have to be made...

that much was clear.

The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

348-6322

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

SOAPBOX! with

Jeanie Keltner

“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento

Brighten up somebody’s humor-deficient life – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The Gift that keeps on giving all year long! May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

What They’re Saying Whether the election official is [Republican, Democrat] or any other, “trust” has no place in our democratic system, which is supposed to be built instead on oversight, transparency and checks and balances... If the citizenry can’t verify it for themselves, rather than rely on “trust and faith” in election officials and proprietary computer tabulation systems, it has no place in our system of democracy. Election insiders, as computer security and election experts will tell you... have the easiest access to manipulating the results of elections in such a way that it is unlikely to ever be noticed. This is not a partisan issue in any way, shape or form. This is not about right and left, but about right and wrong... As these problems continue to occur in virtually each and every election since the federal Help America Vote Act of 2002 encouraged jurisdictions across the nation to move to these oft-failed, easily-manipulated, un-overseeable computer tabulation systems, it’s time that we all say “enough.” Return democracy and the ability for self-governance to we, the people. Where we have verifiable, hand-marked paper ballots, it’s time to count them, in public, at the precinct, in front of everyone on election night, as they still manage to do in 40 percent of New Hampshire’s towns each year… How much longer can the supposedly “Greatest Democracy in the World” continue to make a laughing stock out of its own (small “d”) democratic processes? Enough is enough. The threat to the very lifeblood of democracy has continued far too long, and with important recall elections likely to take place in rapid succession across Wisconsin in the coming months, and millions set to turn out to the polls for next year’s presidential election, the time is long overdue for reforming our systems of vote counting. Where we have actual verifiable ballots, let’s count them – in front of we, the people, on election night. Where we don’t, where we still use 100 percent unverifiable touch-screen systems to invisibly record votes, let’s throw them into the sea to make a nice new artificial reef for the fish. Our democracy, our citizenry, continue to deserve far better... And that starts with simply bothering to count the votes in public. It really shouldn’t be this difficult. – Brad Friedman, Truthout, 14 April 2011 [Respondents in a new USA Today/Gallup poll] overwhelmingly oppose making major changes to Medicare. By 2-to-1, they support minor changes or none at all to control costs, rather than major changes or a complete overhaul. Even a third of Republicans say the government should not try to control the costs of Medicare. Just yesterday, the NYT noted that Republicans “are calculating that the political ground has shifted, making the public, concerned about the mounting national debt, receptive to proposals” to reshape Medicare… They’re completely wrong, and just as importantly, they’re on the wrong side of public opinion. Americans aren’t “receptive” to radical Medicare changes; the mainstream wants the exact opposite. And then there was this gem: [Poll respondents] favor imposing higher taxes on families with household incomes of $250,000 and above: 59% support the idea, 37% oppose it. So, let’s review. Americans, by wide margins, want Medicare left alone and higher taxes on the wealthy. Republicans want Medicare elim i nated and mas sive tax breaks for the wealthy. Note to Democrats: you can negotiate from a position of strength. Americans aren’t buying what Republicans are selling. – Steve Benen, washingtonmonthly.com, 13 April 2011

The Hightower Lowdown Two Unreasonable Women We Need They’re back. Actually, they never left, they just laid low while the heat of political anger blew over. They are the schemers and scammers of Wall Street who devised the Phantasmagoric Money-From-Nothing Good Times Machine that was fueled by indecipherable derivatives and other financial fairy dust. If you’re presently stuck in hard economic times, you have them to thank, for it was their hocus-pocus that – poof! – imploded our economy in 2008. Responding to public outrage, President Obama and the Democratic Congress passed a reform bill last year that tightened the rules on th es e tric k s ter s . B ut now – w ith Wall-Street-hugging Republicans running the House and Obama himself turning into Wall Street’s best buddy – the schem ers and scammers are de manding that Washington loosen those pesky rules so they can restart that Good Times Machine for their own fun and profit. For example, the biggest banks are pressing hard for the Treasury Department to exempt a derivatives game called “foreign-exchange swaps” from any regulation. These gamble on the ups and downs of foreign currencies. Not only are they explosively risky, they’re massive, with some $4 trillion being bet on them every day. A hiccup in this speculative game can ruin the day of a whole country. But a handful of Wall Street giants rake in about $9 billion a year handling these high-rolling bets, and they don’t

want the public even seeing what they’re doing. “Don’t regulate us,” they insist, “trust us.” After all, they say, this currency game is the one derivatives market that did not crash in 2008. Not so fast, slick. The only reason the market for foreign-exchange swaps didn’t crash is that the Federal Reserve poured more than $5 trillion into foreign central banks that year to prop it up. Such runaway greed by Wall Street is why change is so desperately needed. The Powers That Be claim that it’s unreasonable to regulate Wall Street. However, as George Bernard Shaw noted a century ago, “All change comes from the power of unreasonable people.” I think Shaw would agree to one small addendum to his sage observation, which is that such people are considered unreasonable only by the entrenched powers that always oppose change. Let me offer two examples of people today who deserve our applause for rankling the establishment and, in turn, enduring its furious abuse: Sheila Bair and Elizabeth Warren. Both are daring to bring a stronger consumer and public-interest voice into the closed, cliquish and often self-serving world of banking. Bair heads the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp., which gives a big helping hand to banks by insuring their customers’ deposits. The FDIC is also supposed to help consumers and taxpayers by regulating banks. And – my goodness – unlike some of her predecessors, she has chosen to do both jobs, including providing tough enforcement of regulations to prevent

JIM HIGHTOWER bank failures, foster real competition and deter banker finagling. At a recent meeting, financial chieftains showed their appreciation for her work (and their ugly side) with a cascade of catcalls, guffaws, snorts and boos as she spoke. Booed by bankers. I’m sure that’s unpleasant at the moment – but what a badge of honor! Likewise, Warren is under constant attack by Wall Street bosses and the flock of Republican Congress critters who shamelessly serve them. She helped create and is now setting up the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau as a watchdog over banker abuses. To show their gratitude, the bankers got their GOP mad-dogs to slash the bureau’s budget and simply eliminate Warren’s salary. To add your voice in support of these two “unreasonable” women, go to Bankster USA: www.banksterusa.org. “There has been a massive wealth transfer from middle-class America’s retirement accounts to the bank accounts of the privi leged few. The so cial con sequences of this wealth transfer bear scrutiny.” – Albert Meyer, money manager at Bastiat Capital in Plano, TX, New York Times, April 9, 2011

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com! HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Jim Dandy to the Rescue Here we go again...

how do we afford this stuff?

It can be hard being the world’s cop... and it’s not what was expected from Obama.

Still, there could be a happy ending... or not.

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here! Make someone smile – Give ’em the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

•

by Jon Carter

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here! Make someone smile – Give ’em the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!

“We Report, You Decry!”

Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Dancing With the Stars Glenn Beck Moves GE Responds to Public Outcry Pledges to donate entire $3.2 billion tax refund to help offset cuts, save American jobs Running Out of Stars to Sci Fi Channel FAIRFIELD, CT – GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt faith in the GE brand, in- Concern over depleted celebrity pool No Format Change Necessary

NEW YORK – Landing on his feet just hours after his program was dropped by Fox News Channel, controversial host Glenn Beck announced today that he had just inked a new contract to join the cable network Syfy, formerly known as the Sci Fi Channel. Speaking at a press conference announcing the move, Mr. Beck told reporters, “The best part of this Beck as he heard the news. deal is that I won’t need to change my format at all.” Mr. Beck said that his program was “a perfect fit” for a schedule of programming packed with aliens, paranoid conspiracy theories and alternative universes. But the TV host’s enthusiasm was tempered somewhat by Syfy spokesperson Tracy Klugian, who told reporters, “We warned Glenn that if he’s going to be a good fit for Syfy he’s going to have to tone down his act a bit. Some of the stuff he did on Fox is a little too ‘out there’ for us.” Mr. Beck said that his new deal would run “until 2012 or the end of the world, whichever co mes sooner,” and that he would be paid in gold bullion and ammo. Mean while, Con gress re as sured the American people that during a government shutdown essential services would still be provided to Libya, Afghanistan and Iraq. Reported by Andy Borowitz

Facebook to Alter Layout ‘Every Couple of Weeks’ Facebook creator and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced he will be adding new usability settings to the social networking site in an overhaul that will see the site’s layout altered once every couple of weeks. In a public message to the site’s 400 million users, Zuckerberg admitted that t h e t e m p ta t i o n t o ta m p e r wi t h Facebook’s perfectly user friendly interface was just “too much.” “Basically, I just love messing around to see what the site is capable of,” he wrote. “I think that you are really going to like some of the obnoxious and all too frequent changes we have in store for you. I know that the last overhaul was extremely popular, LMAO.” The next update is set to occur by the end of the week, with the Messages, Photos and Events icons set to be arbitrarily repositioned on the right hand contents pane. “You guys are going to have a hell of time finding things like your Friend Requests,” continued Zuckerberg in the 2,453-word message. “And I might even experiment with removing your News Feeds for a week or so, ROFL. Let’s see how you like that.” “OMG, I’m so excited,” he concluded. Reported by DailyFortnight.com

has informed the Obama administration that the company will be gifting its entire 2010 tax refund, worth $3.2 billion, to the US Treasury, and will furthermore adopt a host of new policies that secure its position as a leader in corporate social responsibility. “We want the public to know that we’ve heard them.” said GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt. Immelt acknowledged no wrongdoing. “All seven of our foreign tax havens are entirely legal,” Immelt noted. “But by now we’re so stinking rich that we’ve decided to help the unwashed masses. Just this once.” Over the coming weeks, GE will conduct a nationwide survey to determine how the company’s $3.2 billion returned refund is to be allocated. The survey will be conducted both online and offline, and will permit the public to weigh in on which of the recently-enacted budget cuts they would like to see reversed. In tandem with the gift, the company is also announcing a host of new policies to restore public

clud ing a com mit ment to keep Amer i can jobs in Amer ica. The am bi tious plan will overhaul accounting systems to allow public transparency and phase out the use of tax havens. “We might even inspect our nuclear plants a little more closely, if we’re still feeling responsible after we blow all that cash.” Immelt said. Immelt outlined several The GE light bulb that went off in concrete steps he would take CEO’s head. to push for reformed tax policies. “Corporations ought to pay their fair share of taxes. If Congress is able to establish standard industry-wide solutions, GE will close our tax haven operations abroad.” Further details on GE’s new policy will be released in the coming weeks. Reported by TheYesMen.org (with HT edits)

Exporting Democracy Has Led to Shortages in U.S., Experts Say Wisconsin, Florida Hardest Hit WASHINGTON – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home. That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Minnesota, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015. “We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wis con sin and Florida,” said Professor Davis Logsdon. “This is madness.” Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, “It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy or plutocracy.” Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, “We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government.” The study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world’s

largest democracy, India. “The work done by Congress could be ac com plished much more efficiently by a series of elec- Boehner against self-elimination. tronic phone prompts,” the study recommends. But Mr. Boehner warned against eliminating Congress: “It would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry.” Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy “overrated.” “Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important,” he said, “but the solution is to get rid of the teachers.” Reported by Andy Borowitz

LOS ANGELES, CA - ABC television has announced that a depleted pool of celebrities may signal the end the popular reality show Dancing with the Stars. Though ABC now employs an entire divi si on of m an power t hat scours the world for celebrities, supplies are waning, and the end appears to be in sight. “I be lieve evRunning out of stars? eryone saw the writing on the wall when we announced the newest lineup,” said ABC’s vice president of programming Robert Lemmon. “As soon as the last syllable of the name “Macchio” had left our lips, everyone knew we had hit rock bottom.” The show producers admit that they had almost cancelled plans for this year’s lineup, but last minute pleas from Kirstie Alley’s agent made them change their mind. “They said if we cancelled and did not put her on the show, Kirstie was going to have a complete breakdown,” said a producer under condition of anonymity. “They feared for her safety, and the safety of anyone who got in her way at a Cici’s pizza buffet once the emotional eating began.” Producers rounded out the show lineup with talk show host Wendy Williams. “Originally, we called Wendy Williams in hope of getting other celebrity contact numbers from her,” said a producer. “Because even the D-list celebrities who appear on her show are more famous than the ones we get. After all of the people in her Rolodex declined, we let her do the show. It was better than the back up plan of letting one of our camera operators dance.” “I feel sorry for all those on this show who will be without a job,” Lemmon went on to say. “Especially the professional dancers. They’ll probably all be working on cruise ships now. Hey, there’s an idea! A cruise ship show! Every week we could have new celebrities as passengers! Get me Macchio’s people on the phone!” Reported by DerfMagazine.com

Gaddafi Bans Journalists, Arguing, ‘It’s Worked for Fox’ Establishes ‘No Spin Zone’ Over Libya TRIPOLI – Lib yan d i c t a t o r Mua mmar Gaddafi took the extraordinary step of banning all jour na l is ts from his country today, arguing, Gaddafi: Student of Fox “It’s worked for Fox.” According to his advisors, Mr. Gaddafi has been studying the Fox News Channel closely in recent weeks as an example of a large enterprise that has thrived in the absence of journalism. “Colonel Gaddafi has made no secret of his

admiration of Fox,” said one aide to the Libyan dictator. “His nurses must wear more makeup so they will look like the Fox anchorwomen.” Speaking over Libyan state television this morning, Mr. Gaddafi said that he was protecting the Libyan people from “the bias and distortions of the lamestream media.” The Libyan dictator said he was establishing a “no spin zone” over the country, replacing news with a series of television shows “allowing for a free exchange of opinions – all of them mine.” Mr. Gaddafi’s actions drew immediate criti-

Stuck Lunar Exploration Rover Calls OnStar SPACE – Technology has saved NASA from a potentially disastrous situation as a stuck lunar exploration rover was able to right its course, thanks to OnStar. “I wish we’d had this kind of service back in my day,” said Apollo 13 commander James A. Lovell. “Instead of telling Houston we’d had a problem, I could have just hit the OnStar button and we’d have been quickly on our way.” It isn’t the first time OnStar has been helpful to

the space program. The OnStar unit aboard the space shuttle Atlantis was able to help engineers locate the vehicle after it had been stolen by a group of Houston street thugs. OnStar also was used to remotely unlock Atlantis after an astronaut had locked his keys inside. OnStar technology is expected to provide assistance in NASA’s quest to look for life in other solar systems. The service has been placed on satellites that will explore distant parts of the uni-

HUMOR TIMES

cism from Fox owner Rupert Murdoch: “A brutal dictator who is hostile to journalism? It definitely sounds like he is ripping me off.” At the State Department, an official spokesman offered this response: “As is State Department policy, we will wait several weeks and then issue a confusing, noncommittal statement.” Meanwhile, several prominent Republicans voiced criticism of Obama’s Libya policy, including former President Bush, who urged Mr. Obama to define the mission: “That way, you can hang up a really cool banner once it’s accomplished.” Reported by Andy Borowitz verse, and has been pro grammed to search for local business as it approaches various galaxies. “Some day, we will find life out there,” said NASA spokesman Chris- Rover to OnStar: Help! topher Comer. “And when we find it, I’m guessing it will be because our OnStar service has alerted us to a nearby Starbucks.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com

May, 2011

Stressed Out

Religious Extremism

Southwest is trying to make the best of it...

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a hard concept for some to deal with...

and airports are instituting new policies... but our loonies are just as crazy as theirs...

to keep picky customers satisfied.

May, 2011

and just as self-righteous.

HUMOR TIMES

Fading Fast Democrats need to hone their message...

and watch their backs.

They need to recover their lost mojo... but Obama is sitting pretty and knows it.

Still, he may be losing some steam... as his base remains somewhat skeptical.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Delusions of Grandeur Republicans are fielding their candidates...

to see who can fly high in 2012.

The Tea Party queen knows how to work a crowd... and sleeper Tim Pawlenty is waiting in the wings...

but a front-runner has come out of nowhere... and may just head up the Tea Party Dream Team.

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

All A-Glow

OMNETWORKS

A Complete Internet Solution

In Japan it’s down to a brave few...

WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support WWW.OMSOFT.COM • 530-758-0119

while the rest of us are left to wonder...

is the risk really worth it?

Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today! 18

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

Argus Sez Donald Trump surged in the GOP primary voters polls, doubling the number of support from ten to twenty percent. The way he did it was novel. He took last week’s ten percent support and combed it over, which gave him the appearance of twenty percent. Donald Trump accepted the invitation of Iowa Republicans to speak at their Lincoln Day fundraising banquet held in Des Moines in June. This means he must be running for president. The only other time you see a New Yorker in Iowa is when the plane crashes. Barry Bonds was convicted of obstruction of jus tice in San Fran cisco. He joins Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in steroid disgrace. By the time the home run record is returned to the Maris family, it will have made more wrong turns than Amelia Earhart. Texas Rangers star Josh Hamilton was injured dashing home from third base on a pop foul to the catcher recently. It was an insane risky gamble typical of recovered cocaine addicts. It’s the last time the Rangers let George W. Bush stand in as the third base coach. President Obama called for tax hikes on the rich recently, claiming that his friend Warren Buffett doesn’t need a tax cut. The billionaire is recovering from a disastrous investment he made four weeks ago. He bought Charlie Sheen at a hundred dollars a ticket. The Conspirator directed by Robert Redford opened, detailing the conspiracy to assassinate Lincoln at Ford’s Theater. One thing is clear from watching the movie. If Lincoln was really a man of the people he should’ve sat in the audience with everyone else. Shirley MacLaine discussed sex and politics while promoting her book on the Oprah Winfrey

ARGUS HAMILTON Show. She said she once had sex with three politicians in one day during one campaign. Those three men were Benjamin Franklin, Jul ius Caesar and Saddam Hussein. The U.S. Court of Appeal ruled to stay Arizona’s immigration law cracking down on illegal aliens. They don’t like being called that name. Illegal aliens have lived in America long enough to have seen Gone with the Wind and they prefer to be called replacement players. The Arizona Senate passed a bill requiring presidential candidates to prove they are U.S. citizens before they can be placed on the ballot. The state should also outlaw write-in candidates. Last election, McCain and Obama finished behind Vicente Fox, Felipe Calderon and Pancho Villa. President Obama gave his plan to balance the budget and reduce the debt in a speech in Washington recently. Joe Biden fell asleep during the speech. No one wants to say the president tends to drone, but Pakistani villagers now scatter at the sound of his voice. Congressman Paul Ryan ripped President Obama’s speech, saying it was a campaign speech not a debt reduction plan. It’s getting personal. President Obama said Congressman Ryan’s debt reduction plan would starve Americans, and he promised that job to Michelle. Japan’s Burger King introduced the Meat Monster burger that has two beef patties, a chicken breast, bacon, eggs cheese, teriyaki, onions, lettuce and a tomato. It’s their warrior tradition. Now they kill themselves by thrusting a burger into their stomach.

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today! Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $19.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

*$1.00 EXTRA OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!

Miscellaneous Mischief

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

Teen deemed ‘too heavy’ for ‘Idol’s’ front row “American Idol” audience member Ashley Kauffman claims she had a jaw-dropping moment when Idol employees separated her from her friends because she was “too heavy” for the front row. “There were two ladies and one said, ‘Oh, I don’t want [someone wearing] shorts in front,’ about [one of my friends],’ Kauffman explained in an interview. “Then she looked at me and said, ‘Oh no, you’re too big, too heavy to be in front!’ I was taken aback by it. I was hurt.” According to Kauffman, who stands 5-foot-2 and weighs 150 pounds, she and her shorts-clad pal were then given tickets for the rear of the theater, while their friends went to the front. Kauffman soon attempted to sneak up with her other pals, but an usher stopped her and examined her ticket. “This makes sense why you’re not with the skinny girls,” the employee allegedly told the teen. “You’re in the last row." Now the 19-year-old wants an official “sorry” from “Idol,” and according to her father, that’s just what she should get. “I would like to ‘American Idol’ give her an open apology,” Randy Kauffman told Radar Online. “She wants an apology and it should be a live apology, if that’s what it takes.”

School renames Easter eggs ‘Spring Spheres’ Political correctness has reached into the “sphere” of Easter eggs. The city of Seattle has apparently decided “Easter eggs” is too religious for the public, as elementary schools are calling them “Spring Spheres” and the city’s parks department has removed the word Easter from all of its advertised egg hunts.

Brewmaster apologizes for peeing in beer CHICAGO – The brewmaster of Chicago’s Goose Island brewery seemingly had a bad idea for fortifying his beer. He later apologized for urinating into beer glasses while standing on a bar during a party. Brewmaster Greg Hall, 45, whose family’s Goose Island brewery was recently purchased by Anheuser-Busch for $38 million [Bud probably wouldn’t care about Hall’s creative addition – isn’t that their main ingredient? – ed.], said he was highly intoxicated at the time. Matty Eggleston, the Bangers & Lace bartender who cleaned up the mess, said he does not accept the apology. “It was disgusting, vile and revolting,” he said. “We all do dumb things; that went to a level that was pure insult.” However, Bangers & Lace co-owner Matt Eisler said the establishment is taking “the high road.” “You can imagine we’re not happy, but an apology has been offered and we’d like to move on,” he said. “It’s too bad, because it started off as a cool night with a bunch of people coming to our bar to drink beer.”

UN document would give ‘Mother Earth’ rights UNITED NATIONS – Bolivia plans to table a draft United Nations treaty giving “Mother Earth” the same rights as humans – having just passed a domestic law that does the same. The bid aims to have the UN recognize the Earth as a living entity that humans have sought to “dominate and exploit” – to the point that the “well-being and existence of many beings” is now threatened. The item is meant to mirror Bolivia’s Law of the Rights of Mother Earth, which Bolivian President Evo Morales enacted in January. That document speaks of the country’s natural resources as “blessings,” and grants the Earth a series of specific rights that include rights to life, water and clean air; the right to repair livelihoods affected by human activities; and the right to be free from pollution. It also establishes a Ministry of Mother Earth, and provides the planet with an ombudsman whose job is to hear nature’s complaints as voiced by activist and other groups, including the state. The application of the new Bolivian law appears destined to pose new challenges for companies operating in the country, which is rich in natural resources, including natural gas and lithium, but remains one of the poorest in Latin America. Ecuador has been supportive of the initiative, along with Nicaragua, Venezuela, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, and Antigua and Barbuda.

Investigators find ghosts at fairground DEL MAR, CA – Paranormal investigators in California say they have collected 130 recordings of ghostly voices from the Del Mar Fairgrounds grandstand. South Coast Paranormal, a group of San Diego-based ghost hunters, said they have been collecting recordings for their ongoing investigation from the fifth floor of the building since April 2010, when they were called in by Linda Zweig, a spokeswoman for the fairgrounds since 2001, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported. “We believe it’s voices from the disembodied,” David Walters, an investigator with South Coast Paranormal, said of the recordings. However, Joe Harper, chief executive of the Del Mar Thoroughbred Club, said he is skeptical. “I have never seen a ghost here, but I have seen quite a few people who I thought had died,” he said. “And, of course, a number of folks that looked as if they had died.”

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

SUBSCRIBE!

Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

POLITICAL HUMOR Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, CA 95816 I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!

*$1.00 EXTRA OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!

Humor Times Subscribers! You can now read the Humor Times online too, in PDF or “Flip Page” format! If you subscribe to the Humor Times, you may now log in to your account (use the link at humortimes .com, under mailbox graphic on the upper left), and view the six most recent issues. Every page has color, too! (Printing it all in color is prohibitively expensive, but online it is not.) Of course, these are also available to our PDF subscribers. Enjoy! w w w . h u m o r t i m e s . c o m

Advertise in the Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! Our readers make wonderful, loyal customers. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!

All ads 1/8 page or larger are 20% OFF when you mention this notice! Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information. Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, Ca 95816