Humor Times, Jan 2023

Twittledumb

fun of

failed

for

his “important message” and then announcing a digital trading card collection of NFTs. And it is pretty comical how ridiculous it makes the former most-powerful man in the world look.

But it’s probably the most astute business decision of his lackluster business career, which was full of bankruptcies and failed business ventures like his rotten steak and cheap vodka lines. Think about it: for a layout of nearly zero promotional dollars (since all he had to do was make a short video, announce it on his pseudo-Twitter platform and send out a press release), and with no printing or mailing expenses, he successfully conned his horde of idiot followers yet again for quick buck. (Although it has been posited that foreign investors bought up most of them, see below.) About the only expense involved was paying the artists (if he paid them what he owed – a big if!) to make the drawings and turn them into NFTs (non-fungible tokens –digital assets that are tied to their owner).

“Hello, everyone,” his video opens, “this is Donald Trump, hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington!” How pathetic is that?

The whole video was pretty hilarious, especially the part where he says the cards feature artwork “pertaining to my life and my career...” Funny, because the cards depict him in unattainable roles that have nothing at all to do with his life or career. (But then again, who wants pictures of him on his unreality show or representing his many bankruptcies?) Naturally, they are self-aggrandizing, just as is everything Trump says or has his ghost writers cook up.

One NFT features Trump shooting laser beams out his eyes in front of Trump Tower, another portrays him as an astronaut, and still another shows him standing in a boxing ring with rippling muscles in a red leotard and wearing blue boots emblazoned with “45” and an American flag cape. All of them picture a vigorous man in great shape, not the pear-shaped, lazy slob he actually is.

For these worthless digital creations, existing only as 1’s and 0’s inside computers, he set a price of $99 each, proclaiming that they “would make a great Christmas gift.” Really? Give one of these to your friend or spouse and you’d likely lose them for life.

Still, you’ve got to hand it to him, he’s once again making money for doing nothing, coming up with yet another con to rip off his low-IQ fans.

Or was it just a money laundering operation? Knowledgeable people are raising this question, particularly since many of the NFTs sold for thousands of dollars each. Yet another reason to investigate this national embarrassment and delusional scoundrel.

– James Israel, Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 32, Issue 369, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”) Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429.

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Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, John Deering, Hala Dika, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, Ted Holland, David Horsey, Dean Kaner, Paul Lander, Lesley Leben, Ralph Lombard, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Schneider, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman, David Wollman & others.

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Elon is known as a heady guy.. yet a very private person.

He promised to fight the bad guys. and to make Twitter great again.

but it was not to be.

True believers refused to give up...

but it was clear that things had gone terribly awry. As they slunk on home..

one man still had a plan. to get back in the winner’s circle.

Herchel Walker was the GOP’s last chance... to energize the base and get a win...

World Cup

The Hightower Lowdown

The Madness of Sen. Joe Manchin

Dick Tuck, a political prankster who made a satirical run for public office years ago, got less than 10% of the vote. Conceding defeat, he quipped, “The people have spoken, the bastards.”

Tuck’s jab at voters was in jest, but it exposed an awkward political truth: While people generally have little respect for today’s elected officials, many officials harbor even less regard for The People they supposedly serve.

Exhibit A: The madness of Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia. Amultimillionaire coal baron, Manchin is devoted to serving the machinations of profiteering fossil fuel corporations, so he doesn’t even disguise his disdain for “busybodies” (unions, town leaders, nature defenders, farmers, climate activists, et al.) who dare stand up to any god-awful scheme of plunder and pollution the barons dream up.

In the last year, Joe’s been especially PO’d at thousands of commoners who’ve blocked his latest political pipe dream: the 300-mile-long Mountain Valley Pipeline. Pushed by a consortium of huge utilities, it would pump toxic fracked gas through watersheds, towns, farms, etc. in three states for export abroad. “NO!” shouted locals, who spent years exposing the destruction MVP posed, successfully denying permits to build the thing. In short, the people won!

Then, thanks to Big Coal Joe, they lost. Manchin cut a secret dirty deal with top Democrats, including President Joe Biden and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer to pass a special federal requirement that the MVP be build — the people be damned. Worse, the cabal agreed to slip it into law without Congress even voting on it.

But hold it — progressives in Congress rallied grassroots people all across the country to rebel against the raw stench of this arrogant, autocratic power play. In October, they forced the lobbyists and lawmakers to pull down their anti-democratic ploy — and they forced Manchin into a Dick Tuck moment, blasting his own constituents as radicals for opposing his pipe dream.

If you sometimes wonder whether Congress

JIM HIGHTOWER

is obtuse, narcissistic or just stupid, Manchin is evidence that the answer is yes.

These days, the West Virginia corporate Democrat is mad — in both senses of the word.

First, he’s mad at Reps Pramila Jayapal, Raul Grijalva, Ro Khanna and other gutsy progressive members of the U.S. House. They rose up against their own Party leaders this month to kill Manchin’s corrupt, backdoor effort to force his massive Mountain Valley Pipeline project down the throats of rural and small-town people in his own state. Local people have repeatedly defeated this foul fossil fuel boondoggle, but their senator kept conniving with industry lobbyists and congressional leaders to revive it, trying to stiff the public will.

His latest gambit was to hide the MVP scam in the humongous $850 billion military budget, hoping no one would notice. But Jayapal, Grijalva and a few other progressive leaders did notice… and they had the chutzpa and the votes to strip it out of the Pentagon bill.

This drove the plutocratic senator from being mad (as in angry) to going mad (as in nutty). The defeat of his political scheme, he wailed, was the result of “toxic tribal politics,” adding: “This is why the American people hate politics in in Washington.”

Get a grip, Joe! You’re the one in Washington sneaking around to help the superrich corporate tribe rig government rules to extract more profit from actual toxic contamination of people, whole communities and Mother Nature. You, and your corrupt cohorts, are why millions of Americans hate Washington politics.

Oh, by the way, Senator: If you really think toxic fracked gas pipelines are essential for America’s energy future — why don’t you and your industry funders run some under your neighborhoods for a change?

Qatar hosted the World Cup this year…

making everyone who mattered very happy.

Fans definitely noticed something was off... as did the players themselves.

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President George Washington via Heavenly Hologram

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the first U.S. president, George Washington, via heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show

JERRYDUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven, my guest is President George Washington. The first president of the United States.

Good morning Mr. President.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Call me George.

JERRY: Okay. May I ask you a personal question, George?

GEORGE: Sure.

JERRY: Why do you have wooden teeth?

GEORGE: Because my real teeth were knocked out playing pond hockey on the Delaware River

JERRY: Interesting. What’s your favorite position?

GEORGE: I’m a right-winger

JERRY: You were president from

1789-1797. Two terms. Also, commander of the Continental Army

GEORGE: Yep. I led the Patriot forces to victory in the American Revolutionary War You didn’t mess around with George if you were a Brit. We kicked their assess back to England.

JERRY: Do you know the difference between an Englishman and a unicorn?

GEORGE: No.

JERRY: They’re both fictional characters.

GEORGE: You’re smarter than a 5th grader, Duncan.

JERRY: That’s the year I learned you chopped down the cherry tree and fessed up to your old man. What courage to tell the truth.

GEORGE: Not really. I was holding the ax.

JERRY: Did everyone get along in politics in those days?

GEORGE: No way. There was a fierce rivalry between my cabinet members Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Those jugheads had big egos.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Hamilton had a hit play on

Broadway. Jefferson was stuck with 10 kids.

JERRY: There was a racist side to your success. You owned 577 slaves that were forced to work your farms and wherever you lived. Including the President’s House in Philadelphia

GEORGE: I prefer the term unpaid internship.

JERRY: You also waged a military campaign against Native American nations during the American Revolutionary War. They were here first, Paleface.

GEORGE: You sure?

JERRY: Yes. Native Americans had reservations

GEORGE: That’s a good one, Duncan. You could entertain my troops.

JERRY: I’m talking about you. Had a wife named Martha. No kids.

GEORGE: I can’t believe I forgot to have children.

JERRY: It’s okay. My motto is “Get her pizza, not pregnant.”

Anything you’d like to tell my listeners be-

fore we end the show?

GEORGE: Yeah, baby. I’m too cool to be under British rule.

JERRY: President George Washington everyone. See you tomorrow

B Kaner

The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean

George Washington at Valley Forge. Painting by John Ward Dunsmore, Public Domain.

House of Revenge

Now that Republicans control the House. things will be different. from day one. Let the circus begin... as Kevin prepares to lead the charge... and try to keep everyone happy. It’ll be Christmas every day, say supporters... and no bow will be left untied.

Brittney Griner was finally freed but the price was high.

Vlad is not a forgiving fellow and the world recognizes that.

To Trump, business is all a game.. and he has always managed to avoid capture.

He continues to find new ways to milk supporters. and his party continues to run from him.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Trump had an ordinary dinner with his good buddies and they all gorged out

with their dear leader.

It was only later that anyone realized it was a mistake and tried not to notice. But he’s learned his lesson.. and won’t listen to anyone suspicious again.. at least for now.

China said their Covid policy was all about protection... but there was one outbreak they weren’t ready for.

Apple says they were only trying to help... and to China, that adds up.

The world got a big Christmas present. which could one day spell the end of fossil fuels. if the science can survive the politicization.

Meanwhile, population growth is off the charts.

Republicans are finally having doubts about Trump. and are looking elsewhere.

Still, they remain in denial. and can’t bring themselves to criticize him no matter what. They look to their rising stars... and hold to rigid principles but continue to reap what they sow.

Strange Phenomenon Baffles Experts

By Hala Dika

A strange phenomenon seems to be occurring throughout the world. It appears that people have decided to put away their political, religious and racial differences, and get along.

The unusual occurrence has confused politicians and military generals alike, who are working very hard to remedy the matter

An old woman from Akron, Ohio was quoted as saying, “It’s about time.”

No one is certain how long the disaster will last. Kim Jong Un is reported to have lost his appetite, after spotting a mistake in daily marches in his honor

Presidents everywhere have tossed perfectly good speeches on “spreading freedom through perpetual war,” deciding instead to return to stoking invisible fears among the populace.

Sales dropped at Amazon when people decided to fill their emptiness with each other. The DOW dropped 100 points after a stock broker took time to sneeze.

Artists everywhere are miserable because they’re happy

Flag sales have also dropped, as people no longer feel the need to show their neighbors why they hate them.

A two-year-old child from a dysfunctional family was quoted as saying, “There’s something wrong with mommy and daddy.”

Off and Running

By David Wollman

Georgia voters could be forgiven for thinking that Raphael Warnock’s (D) senate win is the only runoff of the year. But a quick glance at the news headlines shows that it’s runoff season, and they are running wild, everywhere.

Donald Trump and Ye (formerly Kanye West) have been vigorously running their mouths off all year about their favorite piques. The latest polls indicate they are in a virtual tie for verbal runoff, triggering a runoff runoff next month. Because this is such an unprecedented event, it is termed a “one-off runoff runoff.”

In Washington, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) is running his feet off between Republican factions as he tries to curry favor and secure, at any cost, the position of House Leader in the next congress.

NFL quarterback Tom Brady and his wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, are running off from each other: Brady having called a reverse that was stopped for a loss, while Bundchen threw a ‘Hail Mary’ pass out of bounds.

Also in football, Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones is running off with the Orval Faubus Governor’s Prize for Photography, sponsored by the Arkansas KKK. Former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Herschel Walker is running off to some place where he will not be required to comment intelligently on anything except football.

Comedian Dave Chapelle is running off with the Malcolm X Award for courage in combating anti-Semitism.

Around the world, Russian troops are running off as fast as possible from Ukrainian soldiers. In Hawaii, lava runoffs threaten highways on the Big Island. Everywhere else, the poor and the oppressed are still being run off their land.

And finally, according to Mother Goose, the dish has run off with the spoon.

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Kari Lake: ‘I’m the Real Governor of Arizona’

By Eric Green

The loser in the Arizona gubernatorial race, Kari Lake, says she’s actually the honest-to-God winner, proclaiming herself the “real Governor” and next chief executive of the state.

“It’s an unspeakable crime what happened, and after Kari Lake is legitimately installed as the real governor, I’ll put in jail all those state election officials who cheated me out of my victory. Believe me, once Kari Lake is in office, she’ll make sure that happens,” Lake said, referring to herself in the third person at a news conference held outside the Arizona state capitol.

Lake is presently living in a pup tent on the lawn outside the state capital in anticipation of being installed as the “rightful” governor

She said that former President Donald Trump, one of her biggest allies, totally agrees that the Arizona election was stolen and that he

plans to soon hold a protest rally in Phoenix.

Trump said that his very presence there as the real president of the United States will ensure that many hundreds of thousands of people will attend the rally

The former TV news anchorwoman said that, as governor, she will order local law authorities to haul the “imposter” Katie Hobbs away from the inauguration stage in handcuffs. Once in office, Lake intends to call a special session of the Arizona legislature to grant herself the power to sentence election officials to 20-to-life prison terms, in order not to waste taxpayer’s time and money on the courts.

“It’s the least we can do ensure fair and honest elections in the future,” said Lake, where she stopped to speak to reporters at a shopping mall while picking out a special inauguration gown and new platform pumps that would best fit into

how people describe her as “Trump in Heels.”

Asked by the media whether she will commit to serving out her four-year term as governor, Lake said that was her “intention.” She would have to “pray on it’if she would accept Trump’s possible invitation to run as his vice president for the 2024 presidential campaign.

Lake told the media that she’s just starting her term as governor, “so stop asking me all these stupid questions.”

Attack Dog Congressman Morphing into Werewolf

By Eric Green

Known by day as a rabid attack dog who makes it look easy to destroy his liberal political enemies, Rep. Jim Jordan transforms at night into a flesh-eating werewolf. This, according to a new video that provides intimate personal details about the conservative congressman. The tape has not yet been independently verified.

The person who released the tape and for what reason remains unclear. But it reveals what sounds unbelievable — that this Republican pit bull becomes a nocturnal werewolf to scare the living daylights out of Democratic arch-rivals on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C.

Some may not be too shocked, based on his mad-dog daytime appearance, that at night he becomes a roving, growling beast, seeking life-sustaining nourishment in the form of human flesh.

Santa Claus Asks Biden for Help with Reindeer Strike

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN North Pole reporter Freezyn Myassov says that Christmas icon Santa Claus is at his wits end. His reindeer have proposed a reindeer strike on December 23rd, meaning that millions of children worldwide will go without Christmas presents this year. Santa and the reindeer are at odds over pay, benefits and working conditions.

In the confidential video tape, which was never supposed to see the light of day, Jordan disclosed, “I could have lived forever if fate had gone my way letting me be a vampire. But I guess that’s the breaks, or as we say back home in Urbana, Ohio, where I was born, c’est la vie.”

Perhaps he was inspired by Jordan’s werewolf alter ego, Herschel Walker, the ex-football star and losing candidate in the recent run-off election for Georgia senator who revealed his own enlightening thoughts about the werewolf vs. vampire comparison.

Meanwhile, Jordan, a former wrestling coach, leaves no choke holds barred in delighting in pinning his Democratic foes to the proverbial mat.

In this role, he has pledged to investigate officials at the U.S. Dept. of Justice, Dr. Anthony Fauci of Covid-19 fame, and President Joe

Biden’s son Hunter Biden, not to mention the Pres i dent himself. In the secret tape, just released, Jordan says he can’t wait to dig his “teeth” into the investigations, something he has great experience doing as a werewolf

Members of the media, including the Humor Times, had better watch out, as lampooning this particular hard-charging Congressman could be dangerous. He may come after them in the middle of the night, especially if there’s a full moon above, doing what werewolves have an insatiable need to do.

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

10,000-year-old carving of man holding his genitals is oldest known narrative carving

… He is also the first known Pubist

Elon Musk left ‘withering’ by heavy boos at Dave Chappelle show

Sounds like Elon crashed on stage like a Tesla on autopilot.

Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants … And why restaurants price them by the gram.

Biden celebrates ‘Wright Brothers Day,’ American air travel innovators

No word if he forgave them for losing his luggage on one of those early flights.

Back in simpler times, when Santa was first starting out. He had only one reindeer, who never complained. By unknown author, from “The Children’s Friend.” Public Domain.

Santa recently stated, “Mr. Biden did such a great job averting the railroad strike. I desperately need his help to save Christmas for children across the globe.”

The reindeer have requested several upgrades for their services, including a 50 percent pay hike, 21 days paid vacation, 7 days paid sick leave and for Santa to convert to an electric sleigh.

Ms. Myassov says that part of the problem seems to be a generational disconnect between the almost 300 year old Mr. Claus and the Gen X reindeer crew

Gone are the classic reindeer lineup of Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen

They have benn replaced by hip-hop oriented deer with names like Reindeer X, YOYO, Cube, Drive By, Mojo, Lil Nastee, MJF and Antlah

“Damn sonofabitches don’t do nothing but listen to rap music, smoke reefer, do TikTok and play video games… Hell they work one

Apple exec fired after being caught on video joking about ‘fondling big-breasted women’ Look for him to try and get a job at Oogle Nerve-deadening devices impress EU heart doctors

Thank goodness we have a new antidote for people watching the new Avatar Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe Quarrel for real on ‘Undisputed,’ and it’s intense Shannon Sharpe looked like he was about to hand Skip Baylis his glasses, so Baylis could see who he was messing with!

Former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested in the Bahamas to send to U.S This might take a while if he’s paying his bills in Crypto …

Diddy reveals he secretly welcomed baby no. 7

In response, Nick Cannon called him ‘a slacker.’

CNN cancels ‘Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy’ as part of originals pullback

Old episodes will now be known as ‘Remembrance of Things Pasta.’

Jlo has purse with her name printed on it

She had it made special for the love of her life … herself.

McDonald’s is bringing back this fan-favorite breakfast item

And, nothing says ‘Happy Hanukah’ like a Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Bagel.

Happy 97th birthday Dick Van Dyke

And, a reminder Ric Santorum is so homophobic he refuses to watch Mary Poppins because it stars Dick Van Dyke.

Ivanka & Jared ditch PDA & act ‘cold’ towards each other during recent public outing

… So, maybe they are a real married couple.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

damn night a year year and they want seven days paid sick leave! And they want me to hire a LGBTQ reindeer — whatever the hell that is,” Santa complained.

He added, “It’s up to Mr. Biden. I would have asked Donald Trump for help, but he still owes me for all the shit I brought him last year He claims the FBI confiscated the invoice from his house.”

SNN Words To Live By

“Nobody gets out of life alive. — Hud (Paul Newman), 1961 film.

”A woman should never show her hand until a man is ready to eat out of it.” — Minnie Pearl, HeeHaw TV show

“If you want to be a great writer, be either deranged or brilliant.” — Jimmy Breslin

“Little men take, big men hit.” — MLB manager Birdie Tebbets

Lake camping at the AZ state capitol.

Just as Dems were celebrating a majority in the Senate Sinema asserted her “independence.”

She has her priorities. and is an expensive date

Meanwhile, Biden tried to staunch the flow at the border. and reassured the Crown Prince.

But Dems are feeling pretty good... and the prez is on a roll.

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California Stage

and the R25 Theater Company

A New World at California Stage

The 2023 season to bring great changes “R25 Theater Company is born.”

Richard Winters, as the new Artistic Director, has created a brilliant new team out of California Stages key actors and directors

A new Non-Profit serving playwrights Ray Tatar rolls out “California Theater Creations,” his new NPO, that will create new plays for theaters throughout California New play readings & commissions!

“Shakespeares LOST Plays” will come to life through readings, as the final wrap-up of plays that were ascribed to Bill in the early folios and then dropped out You will choose we will produce the winner!

R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R Sts Midtown Sac • Free parking Tickets & Reservations: CalStage.org