Holidaze
While lovers of democracy
that the vaunted “red wave” never happened, I still find it sad that nearly half, and in some cases more than half, of voters in states around the country are ill-informed enough to vote for pro-fascist election deniers from a party that refuses to actually do anything of substance for the citizens who elect them, once they gain power.
The Democratic Party, despite the huge challenges arrayed against it, managed to do an awful lot for said citizens over the last couple years. Their reward? Barely holding onto the Senate and losing the House. With control of the House of Representatives, the Republicans promise publicly – not to actually represent their constituents or govern responsibly – but simply to enact revenge.
In press conferences since the control of the House has been called, they’ve reiterating their stated goals of relentlessly investigating Hunter Biden (ala the Benghazi hearings of yesteryear), impeach ing Biden (for not being Trump) and impeaching Biden appointees, for following the law and inves tigating wrongdoing by the former president (apparently). They steadfastly refuse to work with Democrats to pass any meaningful legislation, despite the desperate need to deal with so many intractable problems.
Democrats would have won the House again but for the roadblocks to democracy put up by Re publican statehouses throughout the country and the partisan Supreme Court that enabled them. Voter suppression tactics worked as planned in red states, and extreme gerrymandering allowed Re publicans to choose their voters, rather than letting voters choose fair representation.
Had Dems been allowed to fight back with their own gerrymandering in states like New York, they might have kept the House. Mind you, I’m with the majority that believes gerrymandering needs to be outlawed, as it would have been, had Democratic-yet-conservative Senators Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema got out of the way and let the party pass the Freedom to Vote Act early in the recent Congressional term. This very necessary bill would have addressed voter registration and ac cess, election integrity and security, redistricting and campaign finance on a national level
However, since we do not have the protection of such a law, and the Republicans insist on using nefarious means, Democrats should do the same in states they control. Once fairness is established by law, then and only then can we can all play nice. Meanwhile, we need to fight fire with fire.
The New York legislature basically tried to counter the extreme gerrymandering in other states, but the NY Supreme Court rejected the new congressional maps in April 2022 and appointed a spe cial court master to redraw them. The gerrymandered map would have likely resulted in Dems get ting 22 seats out of 26 in this deep blue state. Instead, they ended up with only 15. The difference would have assured the party kept control of the House, and thus been able to continue to improve the lives of Americans (and humanity, when it comes to climate change) with sensible legislation. Instead, welcome to at least two more years of the party of “No” obstructing any real progress and instead orchestrating their absurd and useless revenge circus.
The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 31, Issue 368, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)
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Editor: James Israel Publisher: Jim LeDoux Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-758-8255. Printed by: Valley Oak Press, Inc., Galt, CA 95632.
Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, John Deering Hala Dika, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, Ted Holland, David Horsey, Dean Kaner, Paul Lander, Lesley Leben, Ralph Lombard, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Schneider, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman, David Wollman & others.
The Hightower Lowdown
Midterm Election Lessons
What hit the Republican Party in this mid term election was… well, the Republican Party Blow No. 1, of course, was from the party’s president and cult boss, former President Don ald Trump, who wields his narcissism like a po litical bludgeon. But then Republicans got an even more damaging gut punch from the party s own Supreme Court majority of six partisan hacks. They chose this election year to assert their personal ideological view that the govern ment should control every woman’s birth deci sions. Not popular! Then, like a karate chop to the party s own neck, its congressional leaders let loose with a pre-election announcement that, if put in charge, the Grand Old Party would go after people’s Social Security and Medicare benefits.
But Republicans also got hit with something beyond their control: A bevy of new, unabash edly-progressive Democratic candidates run ning on real populist issues that matter to workaday people, backed up by legions of ener gized grassroots activists. Candidates like Sum mer Lee, who’ll be the first Black woman elected to Congress from Pennsylvania. Cham pioned by Working Families Party, Our Revolu tion and other little-d democratic groups, she beat back concerted attempts by corporate pow ers in both major parties that tried to demonize and defeat her, including a last-minute dump of $1 million into her GOP opponent’s campaign by an American-Israeli super PAC. Another is Lina Hidalgo, the feisty people’s advocate who is the top county official in Houston, Texas. She faced down a pack of ultrarich oil magnates, de velopers and other corporate interests who put up $9 million in a failed effort to boot her
The Republican Party has put its future on the rutted road of right-wing extremism and corporate sovereignty Grassroots progressives, however, showed in this election a promising path to democratic rejuvenation: Run aggres sive campaigns offering real change from the business-as-usual politics and policies of both parties.
America’s political, corporate and media es tablishments were cocksure about their prog nostications, repeated for weeks before this
JIM HIGHTOWER
month’s midterm election, that a powerful “red wave” was going to hit America. It would sweep Democrats out and push Republicans into office all across America, they exclaimed.
How shocking and embarrassing, then, that on Nov. 8, their raging wave turned out to be just a little ripple. Republicans ran poorly, and many Democrats ran well. Still, the Dem Party as a whole could’ve done even better if its meek, don’t-rock-the-boat leadership had been gutsier, more progressive, and — yes — more Democratic, in the FDR mold. Well, murmurs the party’s Washington hierarchy, we can’t get too far ahead of the people
Really? Why not ask the people themselves? That’s the virtue of the “ballot initiative” sys tem. It allows grassroots groups to put issues up for a vote, rather than letting the public agenda be controlled by a clique of lobbyists, legisla tors and party-line followers. This year, there were 132 of these initiatives on the ballots in 37 states, and even more on local ballots. And vote after vote showed that the people are way ahead of the political insiders in support of strong progressive policies.
By big margins, three states said “to hell with the Republican Supreme Court,” enshrining women’s abortion rights in their state constitu tions. South Dakota, supposedly a right-wing bastion, shoved their GOPgovernor and legisla tors aside to expand Medicaid health coverage to the state’s low-income families. In bright red Nebraska, nearly 60% of voters said “Yes!” to a $15 minimum wage. A big majority in Illinois amended the state constitution to guarantee col lective bargaining rights for workers. Seventy percent of New Mexico voters made funding of early childhood education a constitutional requirement.
It’s not easy, but when politicians fail us, We The People can act. For more information go to: Ballotpedia.org/Ballot_Measures_overview
The Jerry Duncan Show Receives CNN Host Chris Wallace
Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host gets interviewed himself this time, by CNN host Chris Wallace.
ANNOUNCER: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show Jerry will be interviewed today by CNN host Chris Wallace.
JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Hell, yes. To day on the show, I agree to be interviewed by the legendary Chris Wallace. I’m ready to roll, Einstein.
CHRIS WALLACE: Okay, Jerry JERRY: Hold on. There’s a call coming in from my mother
CHRIS: Can I listen?
JERRY: Who are you the FBI? Knock, knock.
CHRIS: Who’s there?
JERRY: Not your dad Mike. He’s dead…like your brain.
CHRIS: Why did you say that?
JERRY: Because I did my homework. He left you and your mom when you were only one years old.
CHRIS: My parents were like two white po lar bears who got married and divorced. They
were polar opposites.
MAGGIE DUNCAN: Hey. Did everyone forget about me? I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.
JERRY: Go away. I’m being interviewed by Chris Wallace. Should I kill myself now or after this conversation?
MAGGIE: It’s up to you. I’m open minded.
JERRY: Bye, mother
Jerry hangs up the phone.
CHRIS: She’s a hoot. I understand that your mother is the biggest Jerry Duncan cheerleader
JERRY: She’s a pain in the ass.
CHRIS: Oh? Tell me about it. I mean she’s in heaven.
JERRY: Yes. But mother has lots of free time, so she flies down here on her angel wings to tell me how to live my life. Tries to fix me up with girls, complains about my messy apart ment. For the record, I like messy. I can tell you where every empty beer can is around here.
CHRIS: You were raised in Queens until the age of 10 then moved to Wasilla. Why Wasilla?
JERRY: I ask myself that question every day. The truth is my dad got a job selling Klondike ice cream bars to Eskimos. These people are smart, because they keep money hid
den in their igloos so they can have cold cash on hand.
CHRIS: Good for your dad. Did your mother adapt to Alaska?
JERRY: No. She missed New York. The Big Apple has every thing. Even Indians love it, be cause there’s a Delhi on every block. Wasilla is backwards. Think about it, Chris. The smartest per son in the city is Sarah Palin. That should give you sleepless nights.
CHRIS: If it’s any consolation, she is barred from Toys R Us for shooting My Little Pony
CHRIS: How did you get your own show?
JERRY: A disc jockey sucked at a radio sta tion where I was an intern. He was fired on the air. My knowledge of Little Johnny jokes saved the day when I literally took over within min utes. The phone lines were ringing off the hook.
CHRIS: Do you remember any of the jokes?
JERRY: Absolutely Jerry tells a joke.
JERRY: Johnny is late for school. He stands in the back of the room. The teacher says, “Johnny. One of your socks is green and the
other is orange.” Johnny replies, “I have an other pair just like it at home.”
CHRIS: Am I supposed to laugh?
JERRY: (sarcastic) No. It’s a fashion state ment.
CHRIS: (faking) Ha, ha.
JERRY: When’s the last time you had a belly laugh?
CHRIS: The day Trump gave Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom
JERRY: There you go. You do have a sense of humor
JERRY: Chris Wallace everyone. See you to morrow
Voters Choose Right to
Choose
After decisive wins …advocates are in creasingly optimistic that there is a clear roadmap to claw back access in a number of states where abortion is currently banned... What last week’s election results proved is that voters — even in the reddest states — are broadly supportive of reproductive free dom, even as the law makers they have sent to their state legisla tures are not. “More than anything, what these ballot referen dums have shown is how out of sync many state lawmakers and state houses are with their constituents,” says Planned Parent hood president Alexis McGill Johnson...
Republican law makers who strong-armed abortion bans into law may have been surprised by Tuesday’s results, but what those results showed is that abor tion is even more pop ular than many Democrats realized — including some who preemptively fret the party had overesti mated the issue’s im portance to voters...
In every single state where it was on the ballot, abortion outran the Democrat...
None of it, unfortu nately, was enough to make a difference at the national level — a dynamic that is be coming familiar to Democratic voters…
If the election proved one thing it is that, across the coun try, there are enough votes to restore repro ductive rights — even if there aren’t in Con gress.
– Tessa Stuart, Rolling Stone, Novem ber 18, 2022.
But it was no secret what each side wanted to do.. and that’s what really motivated voters.
Finally, it was decision time. but results could not be certain right away.
Election Results
The
though it’s hard to talk about. It’s time to say goodbye to their Dear Leader. most in the party agree. and the reason is obvious (continued)
Dems Repubs
Musk, Trump Jr. Partied with Pelosi and His Attacker
By Steve SchneiderBillionaire Elon Musk and Donald Trump Jr. partied with Paul Pelosi and his hammer-wielding attacker, an online re port claims.
The publi ca tion, “Musk to Dusk,” al leges that il licit drugs and male prostitutes also were at the party This uncon firmed story followed an earlier uncon firmed report at the Santa Monica Observer. The Observer broke the unsub stantiated news linking Pelosi and David DePape to drugs and male prostitutes.
Authorities allege DePape was looking for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi when DePape found Paul Pelosi home alone.
Meanwhile, Musk, a billionaire who bought Twitter recently, reacted swiftly to what he called “disinformation and defa mation.” “To hell with free speech. I’m not letting these lies about me spread on Twit ter,” he said.
Flanked by Trump Jr., Musk added, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. And I’ve got billions to lose now that I own Twitter. So, please, stop spreading lies. Let’s Make America Great Again.”
Kanye Turns Antisemitic Dross into Dollars
By David WollmanYe (formerly Kanye West) is looking to fi nancially rebound from sponsor defections by turning antisemitic dross into dough.
“This is my new empire,” pro claimed a proud, blue tuxedo-clad Ye at the opening of his flagship Haayt’s Peach or ganic supermarket in LA. “Look out Fortune 500, I’m going to be #1. Sixty more loca tions opening this week,” he continued. According to The Finan cial Times, high-end food stores that cater to the diversity in antisemitic appetites are a recipe for success
Ye provided an Opening Day tour of some of the food items made by and for the antisemitic community
He pointed to the Mussolini-brand pastas and sauces. “One bite and you feel like deport ing certain people ... [antisemitic rant]. You know what I mean?”
It is clear that Ye is most proud of his own brand of canned vegetables. Suddenly breaking into song, his Grammy-winning baritone inhab ited the store. “From the val-ley of the jol-ly [extended antisemitic rant] ... Black Giant!”
“We’re going to be doing a lot of cross pro motion in the community,” he said. “Like spon soring Kyrie Irving’s exciting Anti-Semite Film Festival. And we’re reaching out to the community with in-store specials, like ten per cent off for all Nation Of Islam members. Mel (Gibson) is coming by for the ribbon-cutting.”
When asked about the current furor over his hate speech, Ye reflected, “Like James Baldwin (the African-American writer) said, ‘the power less, by definition, can never be racists.’ Rac ism equals prejudice plus power. People of color do not have power here. I’m black so I’m a powerless victim too. I can never be racist no matter what I say. I get a get a free pass, baby."
He then launched into an extended and an gry antisemitic rant about people who don’t like him, with references to spinach moons, the Marx Brothers and quadratic equations.
‘We Report, You Decry!’
Catwoman Debunks Litter Box Myth
By JC WadeMany Republican candidates in this year s elections capitalized on “litter box” rumors. This viral myth states that some schools are placing litter boxes on their campuses to accom modate the “needs” of “Furries” – humans who identify as furry animals (it’s a real thing). And these Republicans are litter-ally outraged.
They wonder aloud why students and even some adults see themselves as feline and would prefer to use a litter box. So I asked Batman’s nemesis, Catwoman, if she could throw some light on the phenomenon.
She meowed, “Cats have a great life. All they do is eat, sleep, and use that litter box which is an important part of the cat culture. You know cats love boxes. Although the DNA of house cats is 95.6% the same as the ferocious tiger, most mousers just lay around all day while
their human servants give them food and water, and scoop what they leave behind. They lead nine purr-fect lives, except for that neutering thing and the hairballs. So, it’s not surprising that some people want to participate in a furry lifestyle, which includes the litter box.”
Catwoman went on to say that many Repub licans are hiss-terical about where Furries want to excrete. They seem to believe that Furries should use a toilet, pointing out that Jack Burnes’ cat, Mr. Jinx in Meet the Parents, learned how to use one
She continued by noting that, “Some Furries identify as male dogs and many conservatives fear that they will, no doubt, want fire hydrants installed in school restrooms and insist that they be walked periodically so they can do their business on the school lawn. And that is disgusting.”
Batman’s foe then concluded, “While there really are people who identify as felines like me, Republicans should probably stick to talk ing about inflation and crime, because, unfortu nately for the Furries, no school in the country has actually put a litter bin in any of their restrooms. It’s an urban myth.”
As a writer for the New York Post wrote of the rumor, “It’s a load of kitty litter.”
President Biden Makes Major Post-Midterm Announcements
By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).In his post-midterm announcements, Presi dent Biden stated that “Democracy is safe and there was no red wave,” and that it’s time to move ahead with his agenda.
In an exclusive post-election interview with SNN Schlock reporter Juicee Lucee, the Presi dent asked her to assure her readers that the all ballots form the 2022 midterm election will be counted by the time the 2024 elections roll around.
He proceeded to roll out his main agenda now that the midterms are over: to save the world from Putin’s attempt at Armageddon. To that point, he said that his son Hunter is the only licensed insurance agent in America selling Ar mageddon Insurance.
Armageddon insurance is offered worldwide
MTG Aspires to be America’s Queen
By Eric Green U.S.Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene from Georgia has announced that she intends to be anointed “America’s Queen,” in conjunction with Donald Trump seeking to re turn to the presidency Greene said she has no in terest in being president her self, saying the position “is be neath me” and that Trump can have that job if he so wishes.
As Queen of the United States, Greene said she will ex pect all her subjects to bow down to her to show their obedience and loyalty to her rule. Even Trump would have to walk two paces behind her, she said, and it may be that like any com moner, he’d have to kiss her ring as well.
Greene, who won re-election on November 8, said that while it was “okay” being a U.S. Congresswoman for a time, it was her destiny to ascend to the royal throne, since so many ad mirers worship the very ground she walks on. Greene said her biggest surprise being a Con gresswoman and what made her realize she had a much higher calling in life was that “many members in Congress don’t actually work.”
Greene said one of her first acts as Monarch would be to order a new palace be built, befit ting a royal highness of her caliber. The palace would overlook the city of Washington, D.C., she said, and a good place to build it would be atop Arlington Cemetery, replacing the old Arlington House mansion that’s presently there. On the matter of how much she’ll earn as Queen, Greene said she wouldn’t be greedy, asking only a modest yearly salary of $58 mil lion, about what Queen Elizabeth II made as ruler of the United Kingdom.
Greene turned her attention back to “Sleepy Joe Biden.” She mocked the President, saying he “doesn’t even know what the words coming out of his mouth mean,” apparently unaware of the irony of her statement, since so much of what she says in nonsensical.
Asked about the propriety of America
cine.
In a related note, Quickbuck Kate Pharma has announced that after his losses in the mid terms, they will cease production of their “Anti-Trump vaccine.”
In Other Breaking News Headlines: Herschel Walker states that if he loses the Georgia Senatorial election runoff, he will relo cate to Wakanda
SNN Words To Live By:
“Today… Tomorrow… ’til hell freezes over.” — John Wayne in The Longest Day, a 1961 film.
“Warm ass, warm soul.” — Old Slobovian Proverb.
“The only thing good ever to come out of California was the Roller Derby.” — Archie Bunker, All in the Family TV series.
Ripping the Headlines Today
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Hundreds of millions of dollars drained from FTX overnight in ‘unauthorized’ transfers Or, as it’s now known ‘Ain’tWorthS***Coin.’
Trump-backed Arizona election loser Kari Lake cries “BS” over results Kari Lake uses a filter for every part of her face, but her mouth… 20% of alcoholics are high functioning Big damn deal. 100% of pot smokers are func tioning high.
Women stopped from entering amusement parks in Afghan capital So, they didn’t get to ride “It’s a Third World After All.”
Elon Musk says ‘I have too much work on my plate’
… and then fired the plate.
Kohl’s CEO, Michelle Gas, steps down to take president role at Levi Strauss So, retail is in her jeans
Study reveals worldwide decline in sperm counts
Nick Cannon: Hold my lab work.
A photographer aimed his camera at a surfer. A shark photobombed him So, that’s what my agent’s been up to!
crowning a queen since this country fought a revolution to escape King George III’s rule, Queen Bee Greene said in a royal huff fit for a queen, “That was then. This is now. We need a Queen to ensure America is number one, and I humbly say I will make a great Royal Highness, no matter whether some Antifa nutjob or commies like Pencil Neck Adam Schiff or Eliz abeth Pocahontas Warren don’t like it.”
Asked who would actually do the anointing of her as Queen when that momentous day ar rives, Greene said her favorite choices would come down to another royalty, Dolly Parton, the
What’s the difference between Mike Pence and his book? His book has a spine.
Dodgers cut 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger Fittingly Bellinger’s striking out on his own. Author at 79 breaking taboo around senior sex Apparently, 79 is the new 69.
Biden granddaughter gets married in White House ceremony
Her dad, Hunter Biden, gave her away, while, Joe Biden probably wants to give away Hunter Gisele was just seen on a date with her jiu-jitsu instructor 2 weeks after her divorce from Tom I’m shocked, Pete Davidson knows jiu-jitsu?
Gen Z stops Red Wave in mid-term elections
… So, Gen Z beat Cra Z…
National Park Service urges visitors not to lick toxic psychedelic toads
… or, at the very least, take them to dinner and a movie first.
Russian-installed official in Ukraine’s Kherson region dies in car crash
… mostly because there aren’t any tall buildings with open windows left…
at humortimes.com.
queen of country music as a show of women power, or Tucker Carlson of the Fox News Channel who donated to Greene’s reelection campaign. News reports say Carlson’s donation was connected to a bid he placed on a rifle Greene was auctioning off as a campaign fundraiser
However, if both Dolly Parton or Tucker Carlson are unavailable, Greene said she’ll call on God Almighty to anoint her as the new Queen. “To save America, I’m sure God would be glad to do it,” said Greene.
Crazy Talk The Supremes
Taking Chances
California Stage
Ray Tatar and California Stage Present
Four Great Unexplored Plays Read by California Stage Actors
4 Consecutive Saturday Nights at 8pm: Nov 26th LOSHIE IN LITTLE ROCK by Linda Taylor in the Wilkerson Theatre An all too human exploration of the power of lies and love Directed by Richard Winters
Dec 3rd the dreamer examines his pillow by John Patrick Shanley in the Wilkerson Theatre A tale of love, lust and intervention Directed by Janis Stevens
Dec 10th GREETINGS FROM REAGANLAND by Joel Mario Rickert and Alan Schroeder in the Wilkerson Theatre
Explores Ronald Reagan’s youth Conceived & staged by Joel Mario Rickert
Dec 17th WORK IN PROGRESS by Susan Andrews in the Wilkerson Theatre
A combination social/romantic comedy Directed by Janis Stevens
Tickets: $10 at the door, or CalStage org Inquiries: 916 600 9536
R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R Sts Midtown Sac • Free parking Tickets & Reservations: CalStage.org