Humor Times, March 2023

The U.S. has been popping a lot of bubbles lately, specifically of the balloon variety, in a threat we didn’t see coming. Now that we’ve been made aware of the low-tech intrusions, the government has recalibrate the radar system, leading to predictable over-reactions. That’s not necessarily a bad thing – the reverse would be worse – and I’m sure they’ll be able to come up with a protocol that makes sense.

Meanwhile, ol’ Joltin’ Joe Biden is flexing his newfound vitality and popping Putin’s bubble too. A surprise visit to Ukraine was historic, in that it was the first time a sitting U.S. president has visited an active war zone without U.S. military on the ground. That took balls, and a lot of trust. It’s nice to have a real president again

I think it’s safe to say Biden has surprised people in many ways already, in just a half-term in office so far. A lot of us think he’s shown himself to be pretty bad-ass, actually. He’s proving that ageism is misplaced in his case, what with so many legislative accomplishments working with a slim majority in Congress, up until recently. I won’t list them here, but you can easily find them online. There have been so many successes, in fact, that some to compare him to FDR. I won’t go that far, but I will admit he’s done it all with far less support in Congress than Roosevelt enjoyed.

Meanwhile, the other party continues its degeneration into a steaming pile of bitter, childish reactionism, as they now take aim at our entire economy with another foolish foray into a manufactured debt crisis. Talk about “crisis actors!”

Hopefully, Republican voters will finally say enough is enough in 2024, and force the party back to some semblance of sanity. Otherwise, I fear for our nation.

I take no pleasure in bashing the Republicans, believe it or not. The Humor Times did just fine back when the GOP wasn’t the insurrectionist party, and we were able to be more evenhanded. But I refuse to fall into “both-sideism,” when there really is no equivalency.

Meanwhile, it looks like good ol’ Jimmy Carter is entering his last days, now living in hospice at home. He’s always been a good and decent man, to a rare degree for a politician.

There are a lot of parallels between his life and my dad’s. They were the same age, and my pop passed in hospice at home in the middle of last year, also at age 98. They both attended the Naval Academy and graduated around the same time (class of ’47), although Dad never mentioned meeting Jimmy. Both were nuclear engineers and carpenters. Both were “born again Christians,” and I thought they looked very much alike in their old age

The big difference was political persuasion, but at least a few of Dad’s kids matched Jimmy’s. Jimmy Carter, man of peace, dignity and compassion. I’m glad he’s able to spend his last days at peace at home. God bless him.

– James Israel Editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 32, Issue 371, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 7271 Lindale Dr, Sacramento, CA 95828. (Not our mailing address, see “postmaster.”)

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Contributors: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, John Deering Hala Dika, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, Ted Holland, David Horsey, Dean Kaner, Paul Lander, Lesley Leben, Ralph Lombard, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Schneider, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman, David Wollman & others.

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They’re turning up everywhere...

or will soon.

If history is any guide.

the fix may be less than satisfactory.

Don’t Look Up

It will be remembered as an iconic moment

at a strange time in our country.

Protocols will have to be adjusted

but we’ve got bigger problems

Some suspect aliens...

and that’s nothing new..

but we know who’s responsible...

and likely haven’t seen the worst of it (continued)

The Hightower Lowdown

How Inequality Happens

I don’t usually cover hard-luck sob stories, but this one about how inequality happens… well, it is so deeply touching you might have such an emotional response it will make you cry. Or, like me, want to throw up.

It’s not about one family hitting the skids, but about some workers who toiled all last year in the caverns of New York City, only to find at year’s end that their pay was being cut by up to 50% from the previous year. Actually, it’s not their salaries that were cut — but their bonuses.

You see, these are Wall Street investment bankers whose annual salaries might only be a few hundred thousand dollars a year (poor babies), but they always expect to double or triple that in bonus money. One reason they get so much is that theirs is a dirty job — they engineer multibillion-dollar corporate mergers that increase monopoly power, eliminate the jobs of thousands of regular workers and further enrich the superrich. It’s devilish work — hence the big bonus payouts to keep them doing it.

Last year, though, the number of whopper deals plummeted, the revenues of Wall Street investment banks sank… and, oh, how sad it was to hear the wails of so many poor Wall Street millionaires who had their bonus payment whacked in half!

See, I told you it was a sob story

But the tragedy suffered by these hard-hit financial toilers goes deeper than the mere loss of money; it’s the crimping of their lifestyle that is most painful. The New York Times reports, for example, that Wall Street’s bonus bust has already resulted in fewer of these dealmakers buying 100,000-dollar luxury cars this year And the dinging of annual bonuses is even stirring radical sentiments among the restive affluent: In one survey of financial professionals, 72% said they would consider quitting their bank if it cut their bonus.

Now there’s an enticing new source of labor activism for unions that’re organizing at Starbucks, Amazon, McDonald’s, etc. Why not a Wall Street banker union? Solidarity forever, brothers and sisters!

For you high-dollar corporate executives and Wall Street bankers who keep telling us that it’s lonely at the top… please, try toiling a while

JIM HIGHTOWER

at the bottom of America’s economic ladder

The radical rise of inequality in our society is a function of the vast political inequality separating the working class from the power structure. The elite rich have many friends in high places paying close attention to their needs, but the further one tumbles down the economic ladder the lonelier you are when your interests conflict with the bosses and big shots. As Ray Charles sang, “Them that’s got are them that gets.”

Consider cooks, waiters, bartenders and other restaurant workers. Generally, these jobs are poorly paid, and abuse by bosses is routine, yet lawmakers mostly ignore all that, cozying up to the abusers, because… well, they are rich and politically connected. As a result, most of today’s workers who serve your food and drink work for a sub-minimum wage that was set 32 years ago at $2.13 an hour! That’s not a wage, it’s an insult. Yet our lawmakers refuse to raise it, bowing to the piles of campaign cash they get through a lobbying front called the National Restaurant Association, dominated by multibillion-dollar food chains.

But wait — the corporate greed doesn’t stop there. In the past decade, this greedy consortium of rich wage suppressors has devised a diabolical scheme to make restaurant workers pay for the industry’s lobbying campaigns to hold down wages! The Association bought an outfit that provides hokey food safety training to restaurant workers, then it lobbied to get California, Florida, Illinois and Texas and other states to require that all employees not only undergo the silly online training course, but to also make each worker pay a $15 fee for the training.

Guess what? NRA then uses those worker training fees to fund its lobbying efforts that let restaurants pay poverty wages. And that, kids, is how inequality happens.

The government said the problem had been dealt with… and that we should go back to our daily lives

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Republican Stink Tank

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews the Republican Stink Tank, aka Kevin McCarthy and sidekick George Santos.

ANNOUNCER: From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show

JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Republican House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy and his sidekick New York Congressman George Santos, leaders of what’s become known as the Republican Stink Tank.

KEVIN MCCARTHY: Let me make it perfectly clear. President Trump did bear some responsibility for the January 6 assault on our Capitol, but it was Nancy Pelosi who is to blame. She knew there was trouble brewing before the demonstration and did nothing.

JERRY: And what planet did you say you were born? You’re an idiot on top of a liar

GEORGE SANTOS: Always tell the truth, Kevin. My manager told me that when I played center field for the New York Yankees.

JERRY: Congressman Santos. I understand you were at the Trump rally in DC on January 6, 2021.

SANTOS: No. I was in the NFL playoffs. I was tight end for the New York Giants.

JERRY: You just said that you played for the New York Yankees.

SANTOS: I thought I did. Wait…it was the Mets. Sorry

JERRY: Do you know the difference between a bucket of shit and you?

SANTOS: No.

JERRY: The bucket.

MCCARTHY: Hold on, Santos. What’s with the Yankees, Mets, and Giants? You told me you were a drag queen at a club in Brazil.

SANTOS: I was. My stage name was Jenna Talia

JERRY: Speaker McCarthy. Why are you defending this moron just to get votes passed?

MCCARTHY: His fate should be decided by the voters.

JERRY: 76% of voters in Santos’s district

want him to resign including a majority of Republicans.

Let me ask you something. Do you believe Joe Biden is the legitimate President of the United States? Yes or no.

MCCARTHY: Eeny, meeny miney, moe. I don’t think the President is Joe.

JERRY: Get real. Biden won in an electoral landslide. He had 7 million more votes than Trump. Ballots were counted and recounted in all the swing states. The Trumpster came up empty like your head.

MCCARTHY: I base my conclusion on one thing, Duncan. Power

JERRY: You should be humble like Mary Todd Lincoln after her husband Abe was assassinated.

MCCARTHY: Right. She ended up in a mental institution

JERRY: Of course she did. Mary was a Republican.

MCCARTHY: We may need to replace

George Santos with someone like Kanye West A rising star in my Party Kanye has a brilliant economic plan should he choose to run for Congress.

JERRY: What kind of plan?

MCCARTHY: He’s going to put 50 Cent into the treasury

JERRY: Kevin McCarthy and George Santos everyone. See you tomorrow The Jerry Duncan Show, (c) Dean B Kaner

Kevin McCarthy caricature by DonkeyHotey flickr.com.

Anti-Woke, Pro-Blackout

Ron DeSantis says ignorance is bliss and that young minds can’t handle the truth.

He says liberals want to brainwash the children.. and use books in a bad way.

Kids just need a clean slate, he said. to make room for more important things.

It’ll make education simpler and it fits right into the larger plan.

Absolute Power Corrupts

It keeps happening, over and over... a recurring national nightmare.

It’s easy to see why... but hard to comprehend.

“A few bad apples” doesn’t really explain it...

and it’s not a problem that will solve itself

Nothing will change... without real reform.

The virtual vultures are circling. and it won’t be long before the bots take over.

down continues

Even so, big tech is having a tough time.. but the dumbing

A former reality TV star is back on Facebook and Zuck says he’s learned his lesson

Meanwhile, Elon has become an embarrassment... and Fox “News” got caught spewing lies (again).

The State of the Union is Effed

The president addressed Congress, such as it is... saying he still believes in bipartisanship

The crazies were out in force. and, as always, in denial.

Sarah Huckabee gave the GOP response... and it was very convincing.

Biden’s speech was well-received.. and the event has inspired a new generation.

The former VP thinks he can pull a fast one.. while Republicans bask in glory...

but they have an image problem

The party is in great hands, they say

at least in their imagination.

They are back to their old tricks.

and this time they’re serious. about having a big impact.

Joe Biden says he wants to run again... and to reintroduce himself to voters...

Trump sees himself as larger than life. an untouchable leader

but some say his expectations are over-inflated.

But his is a sordid tale with the final chapter yet to be written.

Meanwhile, the NYC Mayor is dealing with a growing problem.

Dead Presidents Deny Having Classified Docs

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN resident witch Doctor Sweet Mama Dorite stated that she recently presided over a high-level seance with many dead presidents, attended by members of the Department of Justice, the FBI, CIA and the George Santos Liars Club.

The Purpose of the seance was to contact dead US presidents to determine if there were any classified documents in their possession

FDR, JFK, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Herbert Hoover, Woodrow Wilson, Dwight Eisenhower, Harry Truman, both of the Adams, Chester Arthur and most others denied having any classified documents.

Richard Nixon replied, “Kiss my ass.”

Thomas Jefferson stated that he had some, but a vengeful slaves burned them.

President Grant said that he also had had some, but after a long weekend of boozing and hanging out with a lady called Miss Kitty he couldn’t find them.

Andrew Johnson ranted about the fact that he should still be president.

Millard Fillmore said he didn’t remember being president.

Teddy Roosevelt said he was on safari with Queen Victoria, and Ronald Reagan sent her an autographed still from his 1939 film, Secret Service of the Air

Crime Spree Morphs Into New Pro Sports League

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN

(Slobovian

News Network)

Carjacking is a major crime running rampant in major US cities and small towns. This year there were over 3000 incidents of carjacking

‘We Report, You Decry!’

U.S. Retaliates: 99 Balloons to Fly Over China

By David Wollman

President Joe Biden announced today the launch of a 99 balloon flotilla over China. The action is in response to the recent incursions over U.S. skies by China’s spy balloons.

“It’s important that we send a message to the Chinese regime that the U.S. will prevail in the balloon race,” said Biden, “and I like the song.”

The balloon flotilla was developed and launched at a secret site near Disney World, Florida. “We wanted to avoid using the Cape Canaveral launch site in order to gain the element of surprise,” said Gen. Mark A. Milley

Chinese authorities will likely be highly surprised to see giant images of Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floating from 20,000 feet to 60,000 feet over their skies.

“We also want to send (China’s) President Xi Jinping a personal message from the American

people about what we think of him, and so this led to a partnership with Disney,” said Milley

Roger Iger, CEO of Disney, explained the inclusion of Ron DeSantis’image. “His antics and rhetoric regarding the LGBTQ community, Women’s health care, Black Studies, and the Don’t Say Gay education bill are cartoonish at the highest level. And so fittingly, his balloons will be floating at the highest level, 60,000 feet.” Iger said the message to China and others is, “Don’t mess with the Mouse!”

Included in the balloon flotilla are six giant, inflatable sex dolls bearing the image of Xi Jinping. The images will clearly be a huge embarrassment to China’s president. There will likely be an immediate urge to shoot them down. General Milley explained that the tactical reason for the dolls’ inclusion was to put Chinese authorities in a double bind. “Under

Bezos’ Acquisition Plans Include Entire World

By Eric Green

It’s a jungle out there for all of us. But for Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, there will be no satisfaction until he owns even more of that jungle than he does now. Much more.

Already owning the Washington “Amazon” Post, Bezos has put in bids for the acquisition of many more media interests. If he’s in the mood, he says, he might buy the major TV and cable networks and radio and satellite stations as well.

As if that wasn’t enough, he’s working to claim syndication rights to popular TV shows such as Seinfeld, Two and a Half Men, M*A*S*H and Friends Worth $172 billion or so, depending on which day it is, Bezos apparently doesn’t care all that much about money. It is power and influence that motivate him, his business colleagues and ex-wife told reporters.

House Freedom Caucus: The Lost Interview

By David Wollman

Our brave reporter infiltrates the favored retreat for the notorious House Freedom Caucus. We present here the previously lost interview

After the bitterness that marked the recent election of Kevin McCarthy to House Speaker, I am anticipating a tense, defensive response to my presence as a journalist. I am wary as I step inside Nixon Mansion and cross the Pietra Firma black marble towards The Great Room

The oak doors suddenly swing open, and I am taken aback. This is obviously party time for The Party. Three dozen congressmen are in high spirits. Jim Jordan (R-OH), leaning against Henry Moore’s Reagan, calls out over the music (Rap? Here? Really?), “Hey Andy! Get Kevin to make him a drink.”

“He won’t be happy until he owns the whole world,” said the ex-Mrs. Bezos, who sounded a trifle bitter, even if she’s worth a pretty penny herself at $27 billion, due to owning a 4 percent stock in Amazon.

But it won’t be all that easy for Bezos to satisfy his hunger to possess everything. The U.S. Congress is said to be concerned that his plans for the acquisition of the planet might violate anti-trust and anti-monopoly laws and would endanger fair competition. A Congressional subcommittee supposedly is preparing subpoenas for Amazon executives to force them to testify about Bezos predatory business practices.

Still, Bezos is looking ahead — he’s planning on owning the universe someday. If nothing else, will give Bezos great joy by beating out his bitter business rival, Elon Musk, who reportedly said he wants to be the first person on

Chinese law, the willful destruction of an image of President Jinping is an act of treason, punishable by execution. So, they’re damned if they do shoot them down, and damned if they don’t. Totalitarian regimes are vulnerable by their inherent lack of satire.”

The next chapter in the China-U.S. balloon race is up in the air for now, and unlikely to deflate tensions between the two countries any time soon.

Mars. But if it works out, Bezos could charge him rent.

“It gets my blood pump ing just knowing I’m going to beat that crazy freak Musk,” said Bezos

Asked what else he wants to possess to completely satisfy his life’s ambitions, if that was even humanly possible, Bezos paused for a moment. Finally, he said, “I should have done it long ago. But why not buy the Amazon jungle in South America? Just think, I won’t even have to change its name.”

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

You can now buy weed from a vending machine … and, also in one stop shopping, Doritos, Pringles, and Oreos

Fox scores: Super Bowl third most-watch TV program ever

And, also a big day for George Santos, what with another Super Bowl MVP, and Rihanna’s expecting his baby!

Iran calling on Afghanistan to end restrictions on women

That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling the FDA on the Donner party!

Michael Jordan turns 60 … which is also the number he probably could still drop on the Magic.

According to rap star Kool Ice Thugge, “Carjacking is a major enterprise, an art form and science. It is a display of skill and ability much like chess or football.”

Now Mr Thugge will serve as commissioner of the world’s newest pro sports league: the National Carjacking League (NCL), set to debut on the Gangsta TV Network on March 5, 2023.

The object of the game is to spot, jack and chop cars in a 90 minute time limit. Teams get points for the most cars, the most expensive car and the fastest jackings

The league will be divided into two divisions: the NYC Drill Rap Division and the Gangsta Rap Division. Below are the initial teams for the league launch.

NYC Drill Rap Division:

The Harlem Hustlas

The Green Point Gassers

The Queens Road Ragers

The Long Island Ice T’s

The Westchester Hot Rod Girllz Gangsta Rap Division:

The Boston Banditos

The Los Angeles Los Gatos

The Jersey Jackers

The Las Vegas Vroom Vroomz

The Pittsburgh Car Pirates

Each team will be comprised of 5 members: a Jacker, a Gunner, a Driver, a Thug and a Chopper

Should a game end in a tie, it will lead to a “Sudden Death Jackoff.”

The Divisional leaders will meet in the Championship Super Jackoff Bowl.

The Ohio powerbroker starts an awkward attempt at rap: “After the treaty, McCarthy give us treaties. He gonna whip up, big vanilla lattees.” Hoots and cackles discharge from the Boca Da Lobo sofa in front of me, where Florida congressmen Matt Gaetz and Byron Donalds sit, clearly enjoying the moment.

I gather myself. “McCarthy’s here?” I enquire of Andy Biggs (R-AZ). “Part of his unofficial new duties,” he replies matter-of-factly “Say, you want a spiked vanilla latte? Kevin!” he shouts. “Ordering. One vanilla latte with a shot. On the double! But careful with those Waterford Crest glasses. Don’t break another one. Remember, we got George Santos waiting in the wings.”

“Let me handle this.” Gaetz’s temper seems about to bust loose. “Kevin! We talked about this before. Don’t mumble. And it’s a clear yes suh, no suh, or yes boss!”

“Or yassah, mistah Cholley,” adds Byron Donalds, the only Black congressman in the room. “I added that one,” he states quite

Five injured after an American Airlines plane crashed into a passenger shuttle bus at LAX Fortunately, their luggage was in another city and totally undamaged.

Biden says three recently downed aerial objects were not linked to Chinese spy program

Has anyone done a wellness check on Snoopy, SpongeBob, and the other Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons?

Rita Wilson jokes that Tom Hanks wears the “Woody Cowboy Hat” when out in Nashville … bet that doesn’t freak people out as much as when he goes on a tropical island vacation and brings Wilson!

Carlson and Hannity discussed wanting a Fox News reporter fired after she pushed back on Trump’s election lies

I’m shocked, shocked there was a Fox News reporter who pushed back on the lies.

FBI found Top Secret folder at Pence home And I thought any secret he’d have wouldn’t be about anything top but about being a bottom!

Kyrsten Sinema says George Santos is lying about this SOTU exchange

I’m guessing he said something about almost wearing same dress

LeBron James dealing with unbearable foot pain Well, at least, without Westbrook he doesn’t have to deal with an unbearable pain in the ass.

Kanye’s creditors can’t find him

He’s gone from Ye to Flee!

Milk truck overturns in Michigan, spills 12,000 gallons

So, an udder disaster

DeSantis wants people to not say gay, African American AP studies not to be taught … Sounds like dude’s into Critical Erase Theory!

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

proudly. “And you know what else? I started calling him ‘Stepin’. Get it? Stepin Fetchit.” Donalds explodes into fits of laughter at his own wit.

It is now a contagion. Shrieks of laughter detonate all around me. Thirty-six casualties, and counting. Lauren Boebert is in tears, trying desperately to form words intended for Gaetz “Matt,” she cries. “Show him ... the ... lawn jockey.” “We had it specially made,” explains Gaetz. “Lauren just picked it up today.”

I suddenly realize I am holding a vanilla latte, because I spill it when I look down and meet the sorrowful gaze of a Kevin McCarthy

Lawn Jockey. Tidal waves of giggles well up and sweep me away in a raging torrent of giddiness. I am trapped in a dark, giggly place. I can’t fight it. I can’t catch my breath. I’m losing my journalist’s composure. I’m losing consciousness. I’m losing the interview – I can’t do it.

There’s a scrawled note on a napkin that somehow has found its way into my jacket pocket. I’m losing something else. My sense of human decency. I read the note’s desperate message. Then suddenly, tectonic plates of self-control begin to shift and crack within me. A volcanic eruption of laughter spews forth as I read, “Help me. Oh, God. Please! K.M.”

Carjacking scene from Transporter 2.

The economy is flying high... but all some can do is complain.

It’s true that many are still feeling the pain...

and that the cure feels even worse.

which is hard to explain.

It’ll take a little luck.

and a lot of determination to get ahead. But “crisis actors” are setting the stage to blow it all up.

When Will It End Off the Rails

It’s become so common…

that we have to plan for it

Some people just don’t get it and paranoia runs deep.

When disasters imitate movies… you know we’re in trouble.

Buttigieg was missing in action…

but the roots of the problem predate his tenure.

California Stage

and the R25 Theater Company

Messiah Begins with Me!

It takes a lot of theological wrangling to fit the square peg of God into the round black holes of this universe.

March 7 thru March 11, at 7:00 P.M

Sunday, March 12, at 2:00 P.M

Tickets: $25. Proceeds benefit the Fresher Food Security Initiative.

Live Radio Dramas

Newly devised plays reminiscent of 1940's. “Old Time Radio” adapted for new audiences.

Saturday March 25 at 7PM

Sunday March 26 at 2PM

“Love, Honor or Murder”

“Broadway is My Beat”

Tickets: $10

BOTH SHOWS in the Three Penny Theater, R25 California Stage, 1725 25th Street, Sacramento.

R25 Arts Complex, 25th & R Sts. Midtown Sac • Free parking

Tickets & Reservations: CalStage.org