Humor Times, Nov. 2022

VOTE!

“We've got to vote like the future of our democracy depends on it ” former first lady Michelle Obama

We

Only in this case, it may just be. Democracy itself, you see, is on the ballot.

That may sound like hyperbole, especially for a midterm election – and ordinarily, it would be. But one party has made it quite clear that they want to put their people in charge at all lev els of government, state and federal, for the sole purpose – not of providing good governance –but of changing election outcomes they don’t like. They’re not even subtle about it

That party, of course, is the GQP. Sorry, GOP (Grand Obstinate Party). The Republicans have put professed 2020 election deniers on the ballot all over the country to be in positions to oversee future elections. And their candidates even routinely refuse to commit ahead of time to accept these election results – unless they win of course! They are merely following the lead of their cult hero, the former president and bigtime loser of the last election.

Arizona Republican Kari Lake, for example, just recently said in a CNN interview that she would commit to accepting the results of the upcoming election for governor – but only if she wins! Other gubernatorial candidates who think it’s fashionable to thwart democracy are Tudor Dixon in Michigan and Geoff Diehl in Massachusetts, who also decline to be bound by such in convenient things as vote tallies.

Among Republican candidates for US Senate who belong to this anti-democracy club are Ted Budd in North Carolina, Blake Masters in Arizona, Kelly Tshibaka in Alaska and JD Vance in Ohio.

This alone should be enough for voters of all persuasions to say it’s time to teach this recal citrant party a lesson. The only way they will learn is to be kicked out of power completely Only then, it seems, from the ashes can rise a humbled GOP willing to abide by the rules.

But there are oh-so-many other reasons American voters should want to teach Republicans a lesson they won’t soon forget. After all, a huge majority of Americans back a woman’s right to choose, and yet, with utter hubris and disregard for the will of the people, the party has finally realized the goal they set out to achieve decades ago: stacking the Supreme Court with radical right judges that would overturn Roe v Wade. Now that they’ve finally succeeded, voters should level them with a tidal wave of electoral Karma.

Add to these objectionable qualities the fact that they want to make the next generation ig norant of history by banning books and hamstringing teachers; their increasing racism, homo phobia and misogynistic bigotry; and the willful ignorance and anti-science beliefs that cause them to stall efforts to mitigate the scourge of climate change. Then it’s quite clear: No Repub lican candidate deserves to win any seat in government at this time in history. Sorry, GQP

Please vote! A little thing called democracy hangs in the balance.

– James Israel Editor

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Box

by: Valley Oak Press, Inc., Galt, CA 95632.

: Nick Anderson, Ruben Bolling, Bill Bramhall, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, John Deering Hala Dika, Michael Egan, Walt Handelsman, Phil Hands, Joe Heller, Jim Hightower, Ted Holland, David Horsey, Dean Kaner, Paul Lander, Lesley Leben, Ralph Lombard, Mike Luckovich, Andy Marlette, Joel Pett, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Schneider, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Dan Wasserman, David Wollman & others.

Holidaze

Be

some

After

A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!

Turning Up the Heat

My Newspaper Died

My newspaper died. Well, technically it still appears, but even when it’s delivered it has no life, no news and barely a pulse. It’s a mere sem blance of a real paper, one of the hundreds of lo cal-journalism zombies staggering along in cities and towns that had long relied on their once-vigorous selves. Each one has a bare num ber of subscribers keeping it going, mostly longtime readers like me clinging to a memory of what used to be and a flickering hope that, surely, the thing won’t get worse. Then it does.

Our papers are getting worse (at a time we desperately need them to get better) because they are no longer mediums of journalism, civic purpose and local identity. Rather, they’ve been reduced to little more than profit siphons, steadily piping local money to a handful of dis tant, high-finance syndicates that have bought out our hometown journals. The Austin Ameri can-Statesman, for example, was swallowed up in 2019 by the nationwide Gannett chain, be coming one of more than 1,000 local papers Gannett presently mass produces under its cor porate banner, “The USA Today Network.” But even that reference is a deception, for the publi cation doesn’t confide to readers that it’s actu ally a product of SoftBank Group, a multibillion-dollar Japanese financial consortium that owns and controls Gannett.

SoftBank has no interest in Austin as a place, a community or even as a newspaper market, nor does it care one whit about advancing the principles of journalism. It’s in the profit busi ness, specifically the business of extracting maximum short-term payouts from the properties it owns.

This has rapidly become the standard busi ness model for American newspapering. Today, more than half of all daily papers in America are in the grip of just 10 of these money syndicates. Indeed, only three high-flying hedge funds (SoftBank, Alden Global Capital and Chatham Asset Management) have captured dailies in cities all over the country. These profiteers are snatching up hundreds of weekly papers meant to serve neighborhoods, suburbs and rural com munities from coast to coast.

Far from serving your news needs, they’re strictly interested in diverting the income and assets of our local papers into their private wealth funds. It’s called “financialization” of journalism, but that’s a Wall Street euphemism for old-fashioned plundering, which they do by decimating staff (reporters, editors, et al.), clos ing news bureaus, outsourcing design and other production work, shrinking the paper’s size and frequency, nationalizing and standardizing con

JIM HIGHTOWER

tent, selling off printing plants and other core assets… and jacking up the paper’s price.

All of the above not only removes wealth (including important jobs) from our communi ties, but also basic information, connection and voice — transferring power from millions of us to a tiny circle of super-rich speculators.

As a four-decade subscriber to Austin’s newspaper, I can attest that the hedge-fund owners are as aggressive as airline monopolists at hollowing out their product and charging more for less. I hasten to add that this in no way faults the thousands of talented, dedicated jour nalists and production staffers of recent years who’ve tried — against impossible odds of de moralizing ownership greed, ignorance and in difference — to salvage a smidgen of respect for what remains of the press. Rather than a fail ure of journalism, America has experienced the plundering of journalism..

Our Saturday paper has been eliminated.

Round after round of newsroom and produc tion cuts keep coming.

Final editing, design and page makeup are largely done by computers and assembled by understaffed, out-of-town contractors trying to rush out multiple papers each night

Worst is the Statesman’s daily substitution of filler and puffery for articles of substance and timeliness.

A recent editorial hailed newspaper opinion sections as “the treasured hallmarks of a democ racy, a modern-day town square.” Then, the same piece announced that Gannett was shut ting down most of the paper’s town square!

To go along with the cheapening of the pa per, SoftBank has raised its price. A lot. Sub scriptions were $48 a month when Gannett and bankers came to town three years ago. So far, they’ve doubled that to $99.60 a month, plus tacked on an annual $5 “statement fee,” charg ing customers for sending us a bill! Then they wonder why they’re losing subscribers.

[Ed. note: Here at the Humor Times, we can relate to the crisis of the decline of print sub scriptions. In our case, of course, we’re still in dependently owned. You can help us survive in this tough economy by giving gift subscriptions or donating (subs.humortimes.com) and/or be coming a patron (patreon.com/humortimes). More info on pages 3 & 20. Thanks so much!]

Still more of the former prez’ darkness was revealed…

adding to a huge pile.

Ginny testified and shared with her hubby.

250th Episode: The Jerry Duncan Show’s Best Lines

By Dean Kaner

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host celebrates the 250th episode by recalling the best lines heard on the show

Announcer: Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show

Jerry Duncan: Good morning listener na tionwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. To day is my 250th show. I am going to highlight some of the best lines from my many inter views. I should be receiving a Pulitzer Prize soon.

Former Republican Governor Sarah Palin: I got a six pack for my husband Todd. Best trade I ever made. You betcha!

Comedian Woody Allen: Diane Keaton was bulimic. A barfer. Very nervous and neu rotic like me. After we’d make love, she’d throw up. I asked my analyst, “Was it me?” “Was it her?” “Was she thinking about Groucho Marx?” I’m still going crazy

Fred Flintstone: My show had higher rat ings than The Jetsons. I appealed to the rubes who received their education from it. If it was n’t for The Flintstones, there wouldn’t be Walmart shoppers.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley: I

want lots of homeless babies. The angrier they are growing up in foster care, the more the Re publican party can expand it base.

President Joe Biden: I am fighting for the middle of the road, a little toad. Shucks, I mean a commode. Bottom line, folks. I make a hell uva Vice President. Wait. I’m the President?

Republican Governor Ron DeSantis: There’s good news. The Mars Rover found my birth mother an hour ago. Oh man, no wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.

Republican Consultant Kellyanne Conway: Of course I believe in birth control. I’m from New Jersey and we Jersey girls use protection during sex. They’re called bus shelters.

Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein: I can’t tell if Senator Susan Collins has a small head and a big nose, or a big nose and a small head. It bothers me, so I’ve called for a Senate hearing on the matter

Comedian Roseanne Barr: I once had a fundraising idea at a PTAmeeting. I suggested a cash bar at Parent-Teacher Conference Night.

Former Trump Attorney Michael Cohen: I protected Trump. Stormy Daniels said she was

going to screw his brains out. That sounded like murder

Democratic Congresswoman Alex andria Ocasio-Cortez: I was so poor growing up in the Bronx. My mother was a cleaning lady and made me laugh with lots of cleaning lady jokes. Do you know what the poo said to the fart? You were expelled.

Former President Jimmy Carter: I build houses for Habit for Humanity Only one mishap in 39 years. Last month, I accidentally nailed a volunteer to the other side of a door I was working on. Unfortunately, it was my wife Rosalynn

Former first Lady Melanie Trump: My fa vorite vegetable is my husband.

Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene: I Googled the definition for “bitch” and found my name.

Vice President Kamala Harris: Growing up I sang in a Baptist choir, but had a lousy voice. My mother reminded me that if the win dows shattered, we didn’t have insurance. I stuck to playing with Barbie dolls.

Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: The only difference between Donald Trump

and Bozo the Clown is that Bozo has real hair on his head and wears less makeup.

Republican Minority Speaker Mitch McConnell: Aside from laughing when my own family passed away, the best laugh is when I stopped the Obama nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.

Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders: I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.

Celebrity Martha Stewart: I’m proud of my Polish heritage. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to help fight against Russia in the Ukraine.

The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B Kaner

Recovering Republicans Speak Out

“What [Republican leaders] are doing... is actively destroying the fundamentals of our democracy and that is why it matters. All of these people are unfit to be in of fice. They have no in tegrity. They are not actually trying to gov ern... It’s just griev ances and now it’s lies. Moderate Re publicans should stand up to the party or walk away. If it leads to a blue wave across the country, then rightly so. The GOP deserves it, be cause they have de stroyed themselves.”

– Olivia Troye, for mer Pence top advi sor, on MSBNC, 5/10/21

“The assault on police officers, the destruction of prop erty, the reason for being there — to stop certification of the election. If they had found Mike Pence, do you have any doubt that he would have been hung? Some how there needs to be accountability for the people who mas terminded that horri ble event.”

– “Republican Vot ers Against Trump” video.

“What destroyed the Republican Party isn’t Trump. It’s the obedience to Trump from servile leaders like McConnell and Ryan who could have put a check on him. They have gotten their place in political history. They’ll be re membered as vile.”

– Steve Schmidt, strategist for several Republican political campaigns

Sarah Palin provided some of the most memorable lines. Image by DonkeyHotey flickr.com.

Trump’s Fed chair is still around, and not helping much... and nothing seems to be “trickling down.”

season

Nominating Herschel Walker for Senate was a Hail Mary... but he’s well-liked...

Times are hard...

thanks in large part to Trump’s Saudi pal.

The economy will likely be a deciding factor as campaign ad blitzes reach a fevered pitch.

GOP strategy is being refined boiling down to

works”...

Cartertoons

Trolling for Your Vote

Graham

Troubles are piling up for the former prez

caught

Putin is desperate for more human ammo...

supply is limited.

He’s in it for the long term, he says…

if backed into a corner.

to

the unimaginable.

is his forte..

DeSantis Sues ‘Woke’ Hurricanes

By Steve Schneider

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced a suit today to force “woke” hurricanes like Ian to reimburse residents for billions of dollars of damage they inflict.

At the press conference the governor in sisted, “We won’t take any shit from no more woke hur ricanes.”

He also announced that he will move to “ship future migrant hurricanes out of Florida to parts unknown.

When pressed by reporters, DeSantis said, “I just punked you. I ain’t saying where I’ll send them. But they won’t be messin’ around with the Sunshine State any longer. That’s for sure.”

Impertinent reporters then asked the governor about his record as a congress man. In 2013, newly elected, DeSantis opposed funding to support victims of Hurricane Sandy that ravaged parts of the Northeast. Now, almost a decade later, he wants the federal government to provide billions of dollars of relief to Florida resi dents and homeowners.

“Yeah, I know I opposed the ‘credit card mentality in 2013. But this is a new de cade. And I represent the Free State of Florida, the freest state in the nation.”

DeSantis added, “So, let’s go, Brandon, I mean Biden. Print money, bor row it from China. Whatever it takes. And remember, we’re all in this together. We’re the United States of America.”

Future News: Inmate Trump Announces for Prez

By Eric Green

Presently incarcerated in Pennsylvania, now federal inmate Donald Trump has announced his candidacy for President, claiming all his fel low felons think he’s the best prisoner they’ve ever met in the big house.

The former chief executive was convicted and sentenced to 33 years in prison for numer ous federal crimes, including violating the Es pionage Act, conspiring to overthrow the 2020 presidential election, insurance fraud, underreporting property values to reduce tax li ability, and most criminal of all, being a terrible liar and blowhard.

Trump called the criminal charges against him a “Democrat/Communist plot” to dispar age the Trump family’s “good name, which ev erybody knows is the best ever.”

In his announcement for president, Trump promised that once he’s reinstalled in the White House, his first act in the Oval Office will be to pardon himself, his three adult children, and son-in-law.

Trump said just by thinking about it, he and his children along with Jared Kushner have already been pardoned.

“So now that I’ve pardoned myself, that an swers any moron’s stupid question how can I be sentenced to prison and still run for president,”

Trump said indignantly

Trump said his fellow inmates love to sit around and chat with him about Making Amer ica Great Again. “Under my tutelage, they will be out of the joint in no time,” he said.

Trump said he passes time watching reruns of his old show “The Apprentice,” followed by an hour or two watching Fox News.

“Once I’m in office, I can’t wait to put those lousy Democrat pedophiles like Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi before a firing squad,” he said.

‘We Report, You Decry!’

Headline News Section

Aspiring to the Standards of Accuracy Set by Fox News!

President Biden Unveils Plan to Pay Off National Debt Before Midterms

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

According to SNN financial correspondent Chumppe Change, President Joe Biden has a plan to eliminate the national debt of 31 trillion dollars before the midterm elections on Novem ber 8th this year

Ms. Change states that she obtained an ex clusive interview with Mr. Biden at a recent bail-raising cocktail party for his son Hunter Mr. Biden said, “In the 1960’s President Kennedy said ‘ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.’ That time is now for every American, and I’ve got just the thing for you to do for your coun try.”

Mr. Biden continued, “Our national debt has reached the 31 trillion dollar mark. We need to pay it off. According to the latest cen sus figures there are 332,403,650 American citizens. We are asking all Americans to pay their fair share, which is $93,260.11 per per son. If every American will simply send in a check for that amount immediately, we will be home free.”

Ms. Change reminded the President that most Americans don’t have that kind of money just laying around. Mr. Biden stated that any citizen who needs to can obtain a new low-interest loan from the government for that purpose.

He said that everyone who wishes to pay by

credit card can use the website usgov-gimme-dat-ding.gov. Those paying by check or money order can just make it out to “Joe.”

Shocking! Revelations on Why Trump Stole Top Secret Documents

By Ralph Lombard

Ever since the August 8th FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, there has been much speculation as to why Donald Trump stole classified top se cret documents. Some have supposed that he was planning to sell them to the highest-bidder or to use them for blackmail, while others have guessed that he kept them as “trophies” of his crime in office.

Now, in a bombshell revelation, an anony mous Trump insider known only as “Shallow Throat” is claiming that the ex-presidential loser intended using the top-secret documents as his own personal toilet paper

“It all goes back to a traumatic incident Trump suffered in his youth,” Shallow Throat explained, “when he challenged a roll of toilet paper to an IQ contest and lost. Of course, he later claimed that he had really won because the roll sheeted, but no one believed him. It left the young Trump shaken.”

It was then that Trump began exploring other

Trump Sued Again – This Time By ‘Big Comedy’

By David Wollman

A recently filed lawsuit by “big comedy” concerns today claims that Donald Trump’s bold threats and pursuit of frivolous legal ac tions, in addition to his current legal troubles, will scuttle any realistic possibilities of his 2024 Presidential return.

means to clean up after his (even then) massive dumps, starting with local newspapers.

“Trump’s always had a love/hate relation ship with the media, and using the press for his personal ass-wiping made him feel superior He’s basically used them all, from the New York Times to the National Enquirer. Without them, Trump would have been nothing more

than just another shitty little asshole.”

When Trump became president his butt-cleaning ambitions grew exponentially

“What he really wanted to do was to get his hands on the US Constitution,” Shallow Throat continued, “but when the National Archives de nied that request, he ended up settling for top-secret documents.”

Trump became “addicted” to the luxurious crispness of those classified papers, but when he lost the 2020 election, he saw it all coming to an end. No longer would he be able to use official government materials to clean up after his own personal dirty work. He became desperate.

“That’s why he stole those top-secret docu ments,” Shallow Throat concluded, “not for de classification, but for de-assification. And that’s the real inside poop!”

In response the Justice Department issued it’s own statement: “Shit happens. Especially around assholes.”

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man sues Texas Pete after learning hot sauce is not actually made in Texas Boy, wait until he finds out there’s no moose in chocolate mousse.

Vikings crossed the At lantic almost 500 years before Columbus, new evidence shows They made it to De troit, kicked the Lions asses, rowed home.

Outrage over Halle Bailey’s Black ‘Little Mermaid’

This will greatly diminish his value as a tar get for political satire, they allege. In turn, it could cause the collapse of the multi-billion dollar political satire industry that has grown up and flourished around Mr. Trump.

Economists predict a collapse would trigger widespread layoffs and cancellations of satiri cal TV shows, stage revues, visual art, music, printed and online publishing activities.

Industry lawyers held an informal press scrum outside the US District Court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where the suit was filed. Senior lawyers Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and Jackie Mason, all namesake de scendants of famous Borscht Belt comedians, addressed the media.

“Good evening ladies and germs,” an nounced Berle, his classic opening line startling many younger members of the media. “We just flew in from the Catskills,” offered Youngman, “and boy, are our arms tired.” A nerve-jolting drum rimshot blasted from a nearby loud speaker

When asked why Donald Trump couldn’t still be a target of satire even if he doesn’t run for President in 2024, Berle replied, “When you’re not in the spotlight, you’re a nobody Who makes fun of Bush these days?”

“Mrs. Bush,” cried Mason. (Rimshot!)

An international correspondent suggested that the current president or right-wing news outlets, such as Fox News, could fill in as pri mary targets of American satire. Youngman re

If it’ll make everybody happy, just keep her black and call her the Lil Mermaid! Biden pardons thousands of people convicted of marijuana possession, orders review of fed eral pot laws

Hmmm, that might explain the forgetfulness and dark glasses!

Churches demanding members download ‘inva sive spyware’ to check if they are watching porn So, sounds like they’re trying to guard against those Porn Again Baptists.

USC gives up 43 points in loss to Utah

The last Trojan to provide that little defense probably belonged to Nick Cannon.

J6 committee to vote 9-0 to subpoena Trump

Finally, a time when Trump got the most votes.

In normal times, Herschel Walker would pull out of Senate race Welp, if Herschel Walker pulled out, that’d be a first.

Tulsi Gabbard: No lon ger a Democrat Gabbard announcing that she’s no longer a Democrat is like if Jeffrey Dahmer an nounced he was no lon ger a vegetarian Chevy Chase says John Belushi once stole his coke off SNL set I heard it was no coke, Pepsi…

Draymond Green taking time away from War riors after punching teammate Jordan Poole Trade Draymond to the Knicks, he’ll be fine there. They can’t hit anything.

Cuba Gooding Jr. avoids jail time, pleads guilty to harassment in forcible touching case

Next, victim screaming: ‘Show me the money!’ Putin faces calls to resign from Russian city offi cials over lack of strength in Ukraine war

The way things are going, Putin’s going to need an even longer dinner table.

Roger Stone spoke with Proud Boys and Oath Keepers before and after J6 … no word on Boyz 2 Men and One Direction.

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

plied, “Joe Biden’s a mensch. Some mistakes, the occasional stumble, but not enough material to work with consistently. We need systemic satire. Satire that’s built in to the system. That’s why we need to prevent Trump from blowing up his chances for 2024.

Jackie Mason added, “And Fox, by you this is news? Listen, the first rule of comedy is that you can’t satirize something or somebody that’s already a satire.”

Reporters asked about the response from Trump’s lawyers to the industry lawsuit. Milton Berle replied, “I heard his lawyer told him

this… Mr. Trump, your case is in terrible shape. So Trump says ‘I want a second opinion.’ ‘All right,’ said his lawyer. ‘You’re ugly too.’” (Rimshot!)

Questions arose as to whether Mr. Trump’s wife, Melania, was mentioned in the suit. Henny Youngman, peering at his notes, replied, “Just a passing reference to illustrate a point in his affidavit. I quote, ‘take my wife… Please!’” (Rimshot!)

“Goes to show you, politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows. Marriage does,” quipped Mason (double rimshot!).

Jackie Mason and Milton Berle.

Aborted Integrity

They’ve made it clear where they stand... though they try to wrap it up in a pretty bow. They run from the consequences of their actions... and try to justify the indefensible.

Their hypocrisy knows no bounds and they seem proud... of being out of touch… saying that the ends justify the means.

Dems

Ol’ Joe just wanted to help..

but he got a nasty October surprise.

Scumbag Supreme

we can only hope it’ll shut him up.

He said some things he shouldn’t have...

But he’ll go on being what he is.

despicable scumbag of gargantuan proportions.

Nancy did some things

Alex Jones will finally have to

California Stage

Ray Tatar and California Stage Present

Clara

By Pulitzer Prize winner Arthur Miller

Starring Lauren Taylor and Richard Winters

A thrilling psychological drama about a recently murdered teenage girl Her Father and a detective work hard to identify the suspects when a strange turn of events spins the powerful & moving drama in which father is forced to come to grips with the crushing reality of his daughter's senseless death

Arthur Miller

“Clara” plays from November 18 to December 18 on Fridays & Saturdays at 8PM and Sundays at 2 PM Masks are not required

TICKETS ($15/20) available at CalStage org More info / buy by phone: 916 600 9536

Wilkerson Theater, 25th & R Sts Midtown Sac • Free parking Tickets & Reservations: CalStage.org