“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon Issue #274
October, 2014
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October, 2014
Editor’s Letter Are American football’s days numbered? It may seem actually unpatriotic to even ask such a question, but when you think about it, it could be true. Not only because people are fed up with the behavior of the athletes the sport attracts, but because the number of young people playing the sport could diminish to the point that the quality of play will suffer too greatly, and not attract the huge audiences it now enjoys. According to a survey taken in July of 2013 (http://maristpoll.marist.edu/wp-content/misc/usapolls/us130715/HBO Real Sports/Complete October 2013 USA HBO Real Sports_Marist Poll Release and Tables.pdf), most U.S. adults – 86 percent – are now aware that scientists have found a connection between concussions suffered on the gridiron and long-term brain injury. And that knowledge, the survey also found, has left one in three Americans less likely to permit their sons to play football. In addition, 14 percent of the survey’s respondents said learning about the relationship between playing football and long-term brain injury has made watching the sport less enjoyable. According to minnpost.com: The changing attitudes among parents toward youth football may, eventually, cause football to go the way of boxing and lose most of its large fan base. “Historically, youth football has fueled the [National Football League],” stated Dr. Keith Strudler, director of the Marist College Center for Sports Communication, which published the survey along with HBO Real Sports, in a press release. “Parents’ concern about the safety of the game could jeopardize the future of the sport.” Add to that all the scandals surrounding professional football players, which seem to be on the increase, and eventually, it could take a real toll on the sport. Then there’s the concussion lawsuits. Although the league would like to believe this is mostly behind them, those bringing the suits keep “piling on.” According to nflconcussionlitigation.com, “The Objectors have propounded discovery requests on Class Counsel and the NFL relating to (a) the process by which the settlement was developed and (b) the merits of the NFL’s defenses – i.e., what the NFL knew, or should have known, about concussions.” And we know the NFL does not have a very good track record at coming clean about what they knew, and when they knew it. The deception about the inside-the-elevator Ray Rice video proves that – as if we needed any further proof. Hey, like any red-blooded American male, I’ve always liked me some football on the weekends. But, like many others, I think I may be beginning to lose my taste for it. Baseball, anyone?
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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 274, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Editor: James Israel. Publisher: James LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Paul Lander, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Lee Mays, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2014. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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October, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
3
Black Hole ISIS has a plan...
but may not have thought it through.
They’re taking it to a new level...
in every way.
Obama didn’t need this...
but we’ve seen this movie before.
The prez took his time...
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but finally decided we’re going in. (continued)
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014
Declaring war ain’t what it used to be...
but Obama has unwavering support.
His plan is straightforward...
and he can count on Congress.
As we march forward with a coalition...
some are quite confident of success.
But the pitfalls are many...
October, 2014
and ongoing.
HUMOR TIMES
5
How They Spent Their Summer Vacation September is a grand month for traditions. Fresh pencils and tablets for the upcoming school year. The approach of fall as evidenced by the turning of the leaves. International Talk Like a Pirate Day on the 19th. The official start to the NFL season with the filing of the first domestic abuse charge. It is also when we welcome our elected representatives back from the grueling recess they are forced to spend fund-raising in their home districts. The time when they finally come back to work. Or rather back to a busy schedule of non-work. Back to ducking all the important issues in the manner of 535 totally oblivious plastic Whack-A-Mole rodents during a power surge. Hopefully they did find some time to relax during their summer vacations, because in even numbered years, the post Labor Day period marks the bare knuckles return of the American political process playoffs; with elections less than 2 months away, looming like a gorilla on steroids in the pantry. We here at Durstco have always been curious as to exactly what it is that our country’s top politicos do to recharge for this stretch run. How do they recline and unwind? And now that this piece is finally set up, it is with great pride, that we share the results of our exhaustive investigative research and reveal for the very first time: How They Spent Their Summer Vacation: • Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell learned how to say “No!” in 14 different languages. • Vice President Joe Biden journeyed to a clinic in Switzerland for a charisma implant, which alas, didn’t take. • Florida Senator Marco Rubio held a series of mock debates with himself on the subject of immigration and lost every single one. • President Barack Obama traded his foreign policy legacy for the chance to lower his handicap by a stroke.
• Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan binge watched all 6 seasons of Breaking Bad. • Arizona Senator John McCain accepted the Curmudgeon Society of America’s “Man of the Year Award.” For the 12th consecutive time. • Secretary of State John Kerry wept like a little baby. • The 4 Conservative Justices of the Supreme Court battled the 4 Liberal Justices on the Supreme Court for the soul of Anthony Kennedy. • Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took remedial hugging lessons while surreptitiously measuring the White House drapes. • Michele Bachmann rehearsed a Republican presidential nomination acceptance speech. • Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush looked into legally changing his name to something less incendiary. Like Manson or Hitler. • Speaker of the House John Boehner caught some bitchin’ rays. • Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid came up with a list of 48 ways to trick the GOP into shutting down the government. Again. • Chris Christie won a “Silly Donkey” trophy for losing 1.7 pounds after 3 weeks at Gordon Ramsey’s Hell Camp for Fatties. • Kentucky Senator Rand Paul held a series of mock debates with himself on the subject of foreign intervention and won every single one. • Mitt Romney practiced casting a reflection in a mirror. • Texas Senator Ted Cruz huddled with a team of Mayo Clinic neurologists in an attempt to tweak his meds. To no avail. • Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers rented a private island and used bow and arrows to hunt down captured homeless veterans.
WILL DURST
Where’s My iPony? The new Apple iPhone is like iGoldilocks: There’s a small, a medium and a large. Shake off the blues, put on your shoes, and tell grandma the news: the next generation iPhones are here. Cue the “woo- hoos.” And guess what: they’re huge. Or not. You choose. It’s like iGoldilocks. There’s a small, a medium and a large. And the best part — no bears. The Apple iPhone 6 is a little bigger than the previous models but the iPhone 6 Plus looks like they shrunk the Minipad. Or tiny iPad. Or whatever they call it. “Is that an iPhone 6 Plus in your pocket or are you just really really happy to see me?” All across America, Baby Boomers are raising 8 ounce glasses of prune juice in grateful toasts. They can finally see their buttons. These phablets are fabulous. In other fruit computer news, the iWatch did not turn out to be the iWatch: it’s the Apple Watch. Even though the company filed for trademark protection in about 100 markets for the right to call it the iWatch. Of course, the wrist-bound marvel doesn’t become iAvailable until 2015. Or when iSwatch freezes over. In response to the new releases, the Galaxy Android Samsung contingent (GAS) has ramped up their troll-like flame campaign to shame and defame Apple for belatedly matching the lame technology of their sacred superior smart phones. But in such a piercing stridency, one thinks — perhaps they doth protest too much. If whining were beer, these guys would be a frat party during Octoberfest. In Bavaria. Can’t figure out what it is about these modern communication devices that makes people so crazy. You never hear Lexus owners bashing Acura drivers for finally acquiring contrasting leather stitching on their reclining heated leather seats. Brioni doesn’t claim that Kiton suits are seasons old knock-offs with mate ri als drawn from sub stan dard sheep. Wustof wouldn’t dream of accusing Henckels of stealing their edge design. They might think it. People, settle down. For crum’s sake. Who cares? They’re phones. A few cosmetic differences but 99% exactly the same. Anyone depending that much on an accessory for their identity doesn’t need a new phone, they need a new life. Smart phones wielded by dumb users. And next time, pick a feud that’s two-sided: Appleheads could n’t care less about you Androidites, which probably heightens the frustration. Of course the Apple community is so myopically loyal they would line up to buy the next iteration of Jobsian progeny even if the only new feature was a rotary dial. “No battery? You got to plug it into an outlet? Will it still have the cute little Apple logo and be almost completely useless as a phone? Okay. Whatever.” Used to be the hippest of phones kept getting smaller until it seemed you would need tweezers to make a call. But with streaming video such a big part of our lives, we’re headed towards a 19 inch model that requires iSaddlebags on an iPony to shepherd it across town. All optional, of course. Then again, a few of us are still waiting for the phone that will dry the dishes and do the laundry. “Siri? Are you down there? Don’t forget to separate the colors. I swear. That girl would lose her head if it weren’t pre-installed.” Will Durst is an award-winning, na tion ally ac claimed po lit i cal comic. Go to willdurst.com for more about the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” premiering at the Mill Valley Film Festival in October and a calendar guide to personal appear ances such as his one-man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”
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HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014
National Felonious League To say NFL players are violent...
is to state the obvious.
But the league has a plan...
to deal with transgressors.
The commissioner says he’s not responsible...
and is just doing his job.
But when even children are affected...
October, 2014
it’s time to face reality.
HUMOR TIMES
7
Economy Labor Day came and went...
and the job market still sucks.
It’s harder for some than for others...
and there is little pity to spare.
While some take advantage...
others are stuck.
Some say it’s unfair...
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and they may be onto something.
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014
The Hightower Lowdown A Billionaire’s Sound Advice to the Billionaire’s Club I’ve noticed several CEO’s, political pundits and so-called economic experts saying they’re confused as to why Americans are so down. Consumers should be out buying stuff, they say, for the economy is humming again. Just look at the key indicators: GDP is growing, corporate profits are high, the stock market is soaring, jobs are being created, the unemployment rate is steadily dropping, and people’s disposable income is up. Yet, as the CEO of The Container Store recently grumped, consumers are in “a retail funk.” That’s so cluelessly wrong, sir. Consumers (unlike you platinum-card members of the CEO Club) are in an income funk, meaning we have very little of the green stuff coming in. The bottom line is that Americans are down, because … well, because most of us are down. Yearly income for the typical household is $3,300 lower today than in 2007, when Wall Street barons crashed our economy. Or look at what’s happened to the typical American family’s net worth. It was nearly $88,000 10 years ago, but today it’s down to $56,000 — that’s more than a one-third drop, even though we’re told that Amer ica is en joy ing “a strong recovery.”
And the picture is not getting any brighter, because a new normal has been imposed on America’s workforce. SeZor CEO has been gleefully slashing both jobs and pay, reducing the future of work to a low-wage, no-benefits, part-time, grind. One more number for you: 48. That’s the percentage of adults who now hold full-time jobs — leaving more than half of us trying to make ends meet on part-time work. The lesson for the Powers That Be in the Billionaire’s Club is that there is no species called “consumers.” Rather, that creature is just a worker with a decent-paying job. Eliminate the job or shrivel the pay and — Poof! — consumerism goes away. Here’s an uberrich guy who actually gets that. What’s even better is he’s talking about it and saying something worth hearing — especially since he’s directing it at his fel low one-percent-of-the-one-percenters. Nick Hanauer has made bil lions as an Internet entrepreneur, yet his head has not bloated like a blimp fueled by his own ego. “The true job creators,” he recently wrote in an open letter to other uberrichies, “are middle-class consumers, not rich businesspeople like us.” Indeed, he adds, “The middle class creates us
rich people,” for their purchases power the economy. “I earn about 1,000 times the median American annually, but I don’t buy thousands of times more stuff,” he said, noting that his family has three cars — not 3,000. So rather than holding down the poor and knocking down middle-income families, Hanauer says it’s in the self-interest of America’s corporate and financial elites to do all they can to lift wages — starting with a $15-an-hour minimum wage. Yet, we’re told that paying workers more will destroy small businesses and job growth. No, he argues, it’ll only destroy the insidious myth that helping the rich get richer is good for the economy, but helping the poor get richer is bad for it. Hanauer points out that, “The two cities in the nation with the highest rate of job growth by small businesses are San Francisco and Seattle” — which also happen to have the highest minimum wage in the country. One fi nal point: For the ideo log i cal Koch-headed billionaires who see the minimum wage as “Big Govmint In Action,” this member of the Billionaire’s Club says that the soundest way to shrink government is to decrease the need for it by paying decent wages so people don’t need food stamps, rent assistance and other subsidies for life’s basics. Hanauer concludes with this sobering warning to obtuse, narcissistic billionaires: No society can survive the glaring inequities you are
JIM HIGHTOWER
building into the American economy — stop your feudal economic policies and bridge the widening divide, or “the pitch forks are going to come for us.” “We need a constitutional amendment that explicitly defines human beings as people, and corporations as artificial entities not deserving of constitutional rights. And it needs to state that money is not po lit i cal speech. Any amendment that doesn’t make these two points is a waste of an amendment. You only get one shot with a constitutional amendment, so if you’re going to do it, go all the way or don’t do it at all… Luckily, there’s already wide grassroots support for such an amendment.” – Carl Gibson, Reader Supported News, 11 July 14
It Takes Soul Change comes slowly to the Senate...
if it comes at all.
Citizens give them a big, fat zero...
October, 2014
and so would Teddy.
HUMOR TIMES
9
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
•
by Jon Carter
“We Report, You Decry!” Exclusive: Why Cleveland Over South Beach for LeBron James? Why, exactly, did LeBron James choose to take his talents back to Lake Erie? A Humor Times Special Report. CLEVELAND, OH — A Humor Times in-depth investigation has led to this exclusive report. We have learned that LeBron James’ wife, Savannah, played a crucial role in the basketball superstar’s return to Cleveland. Why? Here are the 2 primary reasons cited for why LeBron’s wife preferred her husband take his talents from South Beach to Cleveland:
Hot in South Beach
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
NYPD Impounds Joan Rivers’ Joke Files Comedy diva’s “words of mass destruction” dangerous in wrong hands, say police NEW YORK CITY — City authorities in New York yesterday sealed off Joan Rivers’ Upper East Side apartment, barring access to her famous filing cabinet of jokes and one-liners. Referred to in many re cent obit u ar ies and featured in the TV documentary Joan Rivers: A P i e c e o f Wo r k, t h e wall-sized cab i net includes thousands of note cards, arranged alphabetically by topic — politics, sex, religion, etc. Many incisively deflate pretension, hypocrisy and arrogance. Wiley Norvell, a spokesperson for Mayor Bill de Blasio’s Office of Comic Relief noted that the NYPD moved swiftly as soon as the threat was identified. “Obviously Joan Rivers’ WMDs (Words of Mass Destruction) are far too dangerous to leave about for anyone to pick up and repeat,” said Norvell. “Look at this one,” he said. “‘A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.’
The entire women’s movement is in that.” And this one: “‘The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?’ Imag ine what Anne Coulter or Rush Limbaugh could do with that.” The OCR spokesman added that Rivers’ humorously bitter observations were a “comedic time bomb” that could be lethal in the wrong hands. “These vicious little IEDs can do a lot of personal and collateral damage,” he noted. “Check it out: ‘My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.’ You can’t help thinking of Anne Coulter.” Joan Rivers’ friend, comedian Kathy Griffin, said that Rivers had promised her the collection, and that she was suing for possession. “If anyone deserves the saggy tits jokes it’s me,” Griffin said. By Senior Senior Comedienne correspondent, Michael Egan.
White House Down Unannounced visitor causes stir at White House
Hot in Cleveland
By Humor Times Senior Hottie Correspondent, Paul Lander.
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To get into the White House nowadays, one must be as devious as they are intelligent, right? Wrong, apparently. You must be able to do just one thing: hop a fence. Unsurprisingly, after Omar “Speedy” Gonzalez, a 42-year-old Texan, decided to pay Obama a visit, the Secret Service received severe criticism. As Gonzalez sprinted along the lawn bellowing, “Mr. Obama, I Facebooked you, why didn’t you reply?” the President was helicoptering to Jay Z’s mansion, to attend a sleepover. Jason Chaffetz, chair of the House subpanel on national security oversight, called the Secret Service’s unprofessionalism “absolutely hilarious,” and said the incident was just one of a string of security failings on the “Sleepy Service’s” watch. “These are good people working at the White House, nevertheless, the Secret Service could take some inspiration from Ray Rice, as in, don’t be afraid to use a little force,” he said. Video from the scene showed the intruder, naked from the waist down, sprinting across the lawn as Secret Service took selfies and listened
Rich Folk Experience Burning Man Just Like the ‘Little People’ A Humor Times Exclusive Retort The filthy rich have discovered Burning Man — along with the simple joy of getting just plain filthy — all while mingling with the “little people.” But they don’t get too close: they have their million dollar air-conditioned camps, complete with luxury baths and lavish meals prepared by top chefs. “It’s just sooo real here,” said Google’s Larry Page, “I do love enjoying the simple pleasures. Waiter, more of that ’58 Mascarello Bartolo, please. Chop chop!” Yes, the 28-year-old Burning Man festival, known for its punk/hippy culture, is now a vacation destination for the extremely well-to-do. “I’m disappointed no one has set up any polo grounds,” snooted Jorge Paulo Lemann, 29th
richest person in the world. “And when will they build a lake here, so we can go sailing? We need to bring in some developers. I’ll make some calls.” Although Mr. Lemann will have to wait on that lake, his group did go sailing — in a y ac ht on w he e l s . The y lounged on the deck, waited on by staff, as they preened for the common folk. “I love showing off my extravagant costumes!” said Doutzen Kroes, super model. “And I did work so hard on these costumes, describing every detail I wanted to the designers.” “I love to get wild and crazy with the people,” said Taylor Swift, who had just flown in. “I dance with them, and there are some sexy dudes here. I just might find next month’s boyfriend!” she swooned.
Burger King Says Latest Whopper ‘Loaded’ Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of rival McDonald’s when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy. It’s not just their attempt to transfer corporate ownership to Canada to avoid taxes. Burger King has also partnered with Monsanto, the GMO giant, to produce lettuce that actually is greener and resembles a dollar bill. The “lettuce” (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here — pure marketing genius!) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce. BK expects to have the new “Dollar Whop-
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p ers ” o n the m a r ke t c o m e s p rin g . An d while you may think that Dollar Whop per also refers to the price, think Whopper, loaded. again. It will actually sell for much more, as a “designer” burger, meant for their wealthier customers, who like to “have it their way,” to paraphrase the BK slogan. By P. Beckert, Senior Humor Times Whopper Teller Correspondent.
to Pharrell William’s latest album. “This sit u ation was a little d i ff e r e n t t h a n other in ci dents we have at the W hite H ous e . Police sketch of Omar ‘Speedy’ GonzaGonzalez. lez has been reprimanded, the cake has been consumed, and it tasted quite good, just a little rich in texture,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said. “It looks like the Secret Service was also caught with its pants down,” said Washington insider Ronald Kessler, security expert. “If the intruder were carry ing biological weapons, we would have had a disaster on our hands, and the Secret Service would’ve had cake all over its face, quite literally,” said Kessler, who authored “Secret Service Agents; About as Trustworthy as Fox News.” By John Glynn, Senior Humor Times Caught with Pants Down Correspondent.
Apple to Add Boob-Squeezing Simulator for iWatch Technology ‘Increases levels of intimacy for consenting users’ CUPERTINO CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced today that his company is negotiating the purchase of Occulis Rift, a virtual-reality technology that runs the popular “Boob Squeezing Simulator” developed by an anonymous, but prob a bly a d o l e scent, male nerd. T h e a n i m e winces a n d moans with each squeeze. Cook said that the device represented “the next evolution in the revolution of human-cyborg interaction. It will dramatically increase the levels of intimacy available for consenting iWatch users.” He added that the most popular features of the new iWatch are its Tap and Heartbeat applications. “Tap lets friends or loved ones know that you’re thinking of them,” he explained. “When you tap your screen, they feel it on their wrists. In Hearbeat, two fingers send your pulse to a loved one. That way they know you’re still alive, or have just climbed a flight of stairs, or are horny.” “And now, with Boob Squeezer, you can let them know you’re horny, and it’s them you’re thinking of and not Mabel in Accounting. Of course, there’s nothing to stop you buying an iWatch for Mabel too, or even the entire secretarial pool.” Also under development by Apple is the iDong, a wearable condom connected by Wifi to the iWatch. “Any woman receiving an electronic boob squeeze can reciprocate in the nicest possible way,” Cook said, adding that gays will be able to buy matching cherry-blossom scented and colored iDongs. Mr. Cook noted that Apple’s ORBSS.2 would include Chastity, an app preventing unwanted or accidental dingdongs, as they are called. “Obviously there are some legal issues to work out,” he said. “But if we describe the Boob Squeezer as an object of religious veneration, which it is fast becoming, the Hobby Lobby ruling offers a loophole we can drive a whole truckload of applications through,” he said. “We even have one in development called Nose Picker, so users don’t have to stop squeezing. God, I love technology.” By Mi chael Egan, Se nior Hu mor Times Boob-Squeezing Technology Correspondent.
‘Kyleigh’s Law’ Prompts Flurry of New Decal Laws in New Jersey Kyleigh’s Law (S2314) is a real motor vehicle law in New Jersey. It requires any driver under age 21 who holds a permit or probationary driver’s license to display a $4 pair of decals on their license plates. It ha s in s pire d the s e Johnny-come-lately laws: Fogie’s Law (S4524) requires any male driver over the age of 65 to display a $100 gray decal. This new law will improve police identification of older men who happen to drive ludicrously slow in the passing lane. Critics of the law cite the redundancy since the brimmed fedora hat in the back window already profiles older male drivers. Harriet’s Law (S7251) requires all mothers of children under the age of 18 to display a $200 yellow decal. This new law, which will dramatically improve state transportation coffers, will help identify potential erratic women drivers whose squabbling children in the backseat make it difficult them to keep their eyes on the road. Sam Adams’ Law (S8625) requires all card-carrying members of the Tea Party to display a $1 yellow decal of the snake with the words “Don’t Tread on Me.” The highly controversial provision promises to identify potentially dangerous drivers who, listening to Rush Limbaugh, pound the dashboard, shout obscenities into the windshield, and refuse to yield at clearly posted regulations because “they have a right to do what they want to do.” Rogaine’s Law (S7262) requires all men between the ages of 40 and 60 to display a $300
HUMOR TIMES
blue decal on front and back license plates. This lucrative new law was established to help identify men who have become, in effect, teenagers once again. Police will now be able to spot speeders, tailgaters, drunken drivers, and drivers with very y oung and ver y bl onde women in the passenger seat of sporty red convertibles. P u b li c M e n a c e L a w (S8742) requires all women shorter than 5’2 and over sixty years of age to install, at great cost, four flashing orange lights on each side of the car as a warning that people who cannot see over the wheel do exist, and to stay clear. The exorbitant cost will hopefully persuade such drivers to stay home and knit sweaters and take care of the cats. Barbra Streisand’s Law (S3434) requests all gay, lesbian and transgender drivers to display a rainbow magnetic banner along both sides on an automobile. Trucks are exempt because gay drivers do not drive trucks. Lesbians, however, beg to differ and have instead adopted a rainbow flag, hoisted high above the cab of their F150. Fans of the new law state that it has helped them locate the toniest of shops and coziest of cafes. Critics of the new law state that, “Wow! I didn’t know how many gays are on the road! Guess we have to accept them.” Barbra Streisand is suing for her name to be removed from the legislation. By Walter Bowne, Se nior Humor Times Dumb Law Correspondent.
October, 2014
Photo Bomb
Welcome to the
Coffee Garden
Celebrity private photos got hacked...
3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter! 3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery
and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento
but the FBI is on it.
People are fed up...
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Reach an intelligent, good-humored audience with good incomes! And you don’t have to spend a fortune to get your message in front of them!
and shocked.
Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com. Humor Times, P. O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without…Give the HUMOR TIMES! October, 2014
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13
In the White House Summer vacation is over...
and it’s back to the grind.
Obama likes to think things through.
Unlike his predecessor...
He’s developing a coherent plan...
but he’s willing to work with others.
but at the same time, wants to be heard.
Meanwhile, Hillary is still playing coy...
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HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014
Looking to Get In It’s business as usual for the GOP...
and their backers know where the problem lies.
Candidates are jockeying for position...
ready to show off their strengths.
Some presidential hopefuls are in trouble...
and the party has an image problem.
and the strategy remains the same.
But cash flow is no obstacle...
October, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
15
Squeeze Play
Comedy Gold
Americans are protective of their space...
Joan Rivers always loved a grand entrance...
and she’s not going to change now. and airlines are trying to squeeze out profits...
so something’s got to give.
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Still, she never could resist a well-placed jab. RIP, Joan!
HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014
Police Army
Ebola
America needs law enforcement...
There is a major threat out there...
but the right kind.
and it’s growing.
Militarized police are getting out of hand...
It’s disconcerting, to say the least...
and it’s about time we faced it. and it may not end well for us.
October, 2014
HUMOR TIMES
17
Miscellaneous Mischief
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HUMOR TIMES
October, 2014