April 2001 Issue

April 2011

The Magazine For The Discerning Jewish Household

How Not To Look Old aSk THe SHadcHaN TraveL brOcHureS and The World to Come

Frum and Fit – Is it Possible?

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SNackS for STabLe bLOOd Sugar

WHO IS THe HOLLyWOOd rabbI?

Featuring: SHABBAT.COM 3/30/2011 7:21:48 PM

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U Publisher YSO Publications II Editor Shanie Belsky

April ’10

Contributing Editors Phil Berkowitz, Yisroel Friedman, Leah Holfgot, Moshe Kinderlehrer, Tova Marc, Shimon Metz DC, Tanya Rosen, Gitel Rosenzweig, Rina Schiffman, Yael Ishakis

Health Snacks for Stable Blood Sugar [6]

Frum and Fit – Is it Possible? [10]

Inspirational

The Visit [14] Who Is The Hollywood Rabbi? [22]

Fashion

How Not to Look Old [38]

Photography

The Psychology of Photography [40]

Humor Balancing The National Budget [44]

Philanthropy Otsar’s Children Celebrate Purim [52]

Travel Travel Brochures and The World to Come [58]

Dating Ask the Shadchan [64]

Design & Layout Josh Spiegel Marketing Jonathan Lib Distribution OB Distribution Please submit all questions and comments to Sales@InFashionFT.com For advertising information please call

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or email Sales@InFashionFT.com In Fashion is published monthly and is distributed at over 500 locations throughout the affluent communities of the Five Towns and Brooklyn.

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[ Snacks for Stable Blood Sugar ] By: Shmuel Shields, Ph.D. N.Y.S. Certified Nutritionist

I

n my nutrition practice, I often see patients with concerns related to either high or low blood sugar. I reassure them that healthy snacks and small, balanced meals, evenly spaced throughout the day, are essential for the body to maintain stable glucose levels.

Glycemic index is a measure of how quickly sugar in various foods is released into the bloodstream and the subsequent effect on blood glucose levels. It represents an important guide, especially for people with diabetes (high blood sugar) or hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). For example, nuts are low on the glycemic index; the minimal carbohydrates they release, which are subsequently transformed into glucose, enter the bloodstream gradually as a result of their mix of fat and protein. Consequently, nuts help maintain steady blood sugar levels and provide sustained energy.

A small handful of nuts would be a highly recommended snack choice, but don’t exceed that amount due to the high caloric content.

Nut butters can be used as well, and I 6

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suggest spreading them on whole grain crackers or even on fruits, such as apples.

Seeds are another food group with a low glycemic load. Sunflower and pumpkin seeds provide fiber, protein, and healthy oils, which help stabilize glucose levels. A small handful would be an appropriate serving size. Flaxseeds and sesame seeds—either whole or ground— can be added to applesauce, yogurt, and whole-grain muffins for tasty, nutritious snack options.

How about snacking on fresh vegetables? I encourage my patients to munch on carrot sticks, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, celery sticks, and unsweetened pickles. They are all high in fiber, which helps slow the release of sugar.

Similarly, fructose (fruit sugar) is released into the bloodstream slowly due to the high fiber content of most fruits. The best low-glycemic fruit choices include cherries, plums, peaches, nectarines, oranges, apples, apricots, pears, strawberries, and blueberries.

A wide variety of whole-grain snack items are available today. Unlike refined, processed snacks, which are typically high in added sugars and low in fiber, whole wheat, oat, or spelt pretzels tend to be high in fiber and are good choices. Plain popcorn is another wholesome alternative. I highly recommend whole wheat breadsticks, crackers, and flatbreads as well.

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Br w Ju Eating these whole-grain products together with a protein, such as cheese, further reduces the likelihood that carbohydrate levels will increase too rapidly and result in elevated blood sugar levels. Keep in mind that proteins slow the release of sugar into the bloodstream, so it is a good idea to include high protein snacks in your diet. Unsweetened yogurt is an excellent choice, especially with added wheat germ or ground flaxseeds.

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[ Frum and Fit – Is it Possible? ] By: Tanya Rosen

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elow are just some of the challenges frum Jews face when it comes to being frum and fit:

Heavy meals on Shabbos and Yom Tov. Aside from the negative health aspect of eating large portions, eating too-large meals during Shabbos can add up to weight gain. Many people spend the entire week losing what they gained over Shabbos, so at best they are maintaining their current weight, and not necessarily losing weight. You can try switching to smaller plates so that your plate is still full but you are actually eating less. Also, bring to the table more than just food. Try a Shabbos game that you can play at the table, or have each family member talk about their week.

Frequent pregnancies. If every pregnancy leaves only seven extra pounds (and it usually leaves much more than that) and the average woman has five children, that is an extra 35 pounds gained over the course of the childbearing years. To be considered obese, one need be only 30 pounds overweight. Aside from the extra weight, the stress on the body from the multiple pregnancies and nursing can potentially leave the woman’s body depleted of

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many nutrients. It is important for women in their child-bearing years to be mindful of these two factors, maintaining a healthy weight and getting adequate nutrient intake through balanced eating and nutritional supplements.

test, unless there are symptoms such as the ones listed below, and a diagnosis is needed.

Symptoms of vitamin D deficiency include depression, chronic fatigue, weight loss, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and osteoporosis.

Salty foods and popular heavy dishes. Many of the popular “Jewish foods” contain a tremendous amount of salt, preservatives, and fats. Some examples are cholent, kugel, deli, kishka, and many popular Shabbos salads that are full of salt, mayonnaise, and sugar. With a little creativity, you can prepare some of these foods in a healthier way. Susan Fishbein has a cookbook that focuses on lighter meals. You can also get ideas from www.weightwatcher. com.

The good news is that now more than ever, so many exercise and health opportunities are available. There are plenty of non co-ed exercise classes going on in every neighborhood.

Every kosher supermarket and eatery offers plenty of low fat and sugar-free options. Also, with so many frum nutritionists available familiar with Shabbos, kashrus, and Yom Tov eating, you can easily attain a great nutrition plan for a frum and fit Jew. [IF]

Vitamin D deficiency. Very few foods contain vitamin D, so we get most of the vitamin from sun exposure. Several factors affect your skin’s ability to produce vitamin D, such as the season, time of day, level of air pollution, and skin color. Because only uncovered skin will absorb the UVB radiation that can be converted into vitamin D, lack of exposure to sun can make the frum population more at risk of vitamin D deficiency. It is not necessary to get a blood

-------------------------------------------------------

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Tanya Rosen is the owner of Shape Fitness in Kensington and the co-owner of Shape Fitness in Flatbush. As a certified and experienced Personal Trainer, Aerobics Instructor, and nutritionist, Tanya offers these three services to the community. Tanya specializes in prenatal and postnatal fitness, and can be reached at 917-913-1523 or 718-338-8700.

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The Visit By: Yehudis Sashitzky CPC

the members of my family for this campaign.

The days flew by and the time had finally come.

Our special guest was due to arrive at any moment! With my family neatly attired, gathered around me, I lit the Shabbos candles with a deep happiness, and welcomed our guest, the Shabbos Kodesh, into our midst.

Okay, many of you saw that coming, right?

But don’t be disappointed, because the story doesn’t end there. In fact, it’s just the beginning.

O

ne week! Could I possibly be ready in only one short week to greet and host an important personality who was to make an appearance in my humble home? What’s more, this was not to be a half hour encounter; the guest would be staying overnight through to the following evening.

I was delighted that this personality had chosen to spend time with our family. I wanted to make a good impression. I wanted everything to be perfect.

Knowing that I had much to accomplish to show a proper esteem for my honored guest, I got busy early on. I worried over lists, consulted cookbooks for elaborate recipes, shopped the special foods, and planned the meals for this distinctive occasion. Employing complex strategy to accomplish all in a timely fashion, priorities were assigned, concoctions created, and every possible preparation planned and executed.

I washed our clothing and ironed the attire I knew each of us would need. I straightened the house, vacuuming and dusting, in eager anticipation of the arrival of our guest. I drafted all 14

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All of my life I have had the benefit of knowing about Shabbos and keeping its laws, B”H. But recent readings and shiurim on CDs from Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pinchus, Zt”l, have helped me see something new. I’m starting to understand that I do not comprehend. The idea has taken root that what I know is a shell compared to what I might know! For some people this insight might be depressing, but to me it is invigorating. It is a challenge placed before me by Hakadosh Baruch Hu! I accept the challenge and will B”eH, try to rise to the occasion. I must seek information; I must learn what it is about Shabbos that I do not comprehend. The following is an attempt to share with you the challenge, as I see it.

Rabbi Pinchus Z”tl shows us that Shabbos is different than anything else we experience. We talk about “greeting the Shabbos,” “welcoming the Shabbos.” No other Mitzva is dealt with or spoken about in this way.

In European towns of yesteryear the men of the town would accompany the elders to the outskirts of the town at sundown to greet the Shabbos Queen who appears at sundown, and F a s h i o n

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walk her back, so to speak, accompanying her as she entered the city. We relate to the Shabbos in a very different way than to any of the other Chagim or Mitzvos. We don’t perform “Kabolas Tefilin,” or “Kabolas Mezuzah,” or even “Kabolas Pesach,” but we do sing “Kabolas Shabbos.” Even the way we take leave of the Shabbos is unique. We are not “Melave” any other holiday as it leaves; there is only “Melave Malka”—a goodbye party for the Shabbos Queen.

We treat Shabbos as if it is a personality. In fact, we find a Midrash in which Shabbos is given a voice to speak. To paraphrase what she says: “Every day of the week has a partner: Sunday partners with Monday, and Tuesday goes with Wednesday, and Thursday couples with Friday. Who will be my partner?” And Hashem answers that K’lal Yisrael is Shabbos’ partner.

No other Mitzva or Yom Tov is given a voice to speak, asking questions that get answered.

So who then is this personality of Shabbos?

Who is it that comes, who is it that we greet, who is it that we say a reluctant goodbye to, and who is it that claims K’lal Yisrael as a partner?

You may be a few steps ahead and have it all figured out again, but of course, the One Who comes, and the One Who we greet, and the One we walk out, and the One we prepare for with such joy is Hashem Yisborach. Shabbos Kodesh is the day that everything is Shavas— the root of the word Shabbos is “Shavas,” to end. When Shabbos enters, everything else stops. When it is the end of everything else, what is left? Hashem, Yisborach Shimo. Shabbos is the day of Hashem.

(Continued on page 16)

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Another idiosyncrasy of Shabbos is the stringency of its laws. If a person should be crazed enough, for example, to burn a Sefer Torah, C”V, how would the punishment for this horrific act compare with the punishment of removing a hair from milk on Shabbos, according to the laws of the Torah? Well, the person doing the horrific act with the Sefer Torah does not receive the punishment of death, whereas knowingly taking a hair out of milk, under certain conditions on Shabbos, is Chayav Missa! And there are many incidents where something which seems to us so very bad is punished by the Torah with less severity than things that seem to be milder to us, and less of an issue, concerning the laws of Shabbos.

The only other place in the Torah where the laws are as stringent as Hilchos Shabbos, is what happens in the Beis Hamikdash and the laws pertaining to it. The Chachamim discuss examples in the Gemorra where, if a Kohen’s clothing is too big and there is too much air between him and the cloth, he is Chayav Missa. If the Beged the Kohain Gadol wears is too long or too short, he is Chayav Missa. If a drop of dirt is on the Beged, and in his enthusiasm he runs out to do the Avoda in that condition, he is Chayav Missa. There would seem to be a connection between the stringencies of Shabbos and the stringencies of the Beis Hamikdosh. What is the connection?

Chofetz Chaim says that a store can close down for a while and you expect that one day it will reopen. If ever the sign at the top of the store is removed, you know then that the store will not reopen. A Jew can go wrong R”L, and do wrong things, which is like his store being temporarily closed. But when he doesn’t keep Shabbos any longer, it is as if he has removed the sign from above the shop; he is “out of business” for good now. He has cut himself off from Yiddishkeit. Shabbos is the root of our heritage and our Avoda. This being the case, there can be no, “wiggle room” when it has to do with the kedusha of Shabbos.

The Beis Hamikdash and Shabbos Kodesh are fundamentals of our Yiddishkeit. Theses two parts of Yiddishkeit represent our root, a deep source of connection with Hashem. Rabbi Pinchus Z”tl gives a mashal to help us understand. When someone needs surgery on a finger wound or an arm, you have some room to play around. A bigger cut or a sloppy surgery can leave a scar on a finger or arm, but it won’t be life threatening. But when surgery is required inside the body, say inside the heart or the brain, it is a completely different story.

What happens if the surgeon cuts an eighth of an inch too much in the brain? The patient will die! There is absolutely no “wiggle room” and zero tolerance for error in these internal locations, because these organs are fundamental sources of a person’s life; they are the very root of his existence. So it is with the Beis Hamikdash, which B’tzareinu was destroyed, where the Avoda was such an integral part of our relationship with Hashem. It is such a vital piece in our connection with Hashem. There can be no carelessness, no shortcuts, and no allowances for leniency.

And so it is with Shabbos Kodesh, which, too, is the root of our connection with Hashem.

Everything flows from Shabbos. From Shabbos comes our closeness to Hashem. The

And herein rests the mystery of Shabbos, the glimmer of which I have begun to understand.

We really, not allegorically, but actually and truly, greet the coming of the Shechina at the onset of Shabbos, and we really and actually are privileged to enjoy the Shechina’s presence on Shabbos. We may not realize it yet. And herein we find the challenge I mentioned before. Here is where our personal strengthening of ourselves in the Mitzva of Shabbos Kodesh comes in. Now that we know we have been unaware of a fundamental truth of Shabbos, and now that we understand that when Shabbos comes we are truly in the presence of Hashem Yisborach, just as if we were in the Beis Hamikdosh itself, there are many ramifications in terms of the best way to spend the Shabbos. Rabbi Pinchus Zt”l suggests that on Shabbos we should be involved in doing things that the Shechina enjoys doing with us. We should use our time for such things as davening and speaking in Divrei Torah on Shabbos.

We should shy away from talking about things that the Shechina does not want to participate in on Shabbos, such as business concepts, movie subjects, and shopping themes—as in, “Where did you buy that dress?” Leave all of the mundane and secular for a few hours later and preserve the Kedushas Shabbos.

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I’d like to leave you with one last beautiful thought. Why is it that when Tisha B’Av falls out on a Shabbos, we do not fast? For all of the other fasts, aside from Yom Kippur, which is fasted even on Shabbos, it is because Shabbos is stronger than the fast and therefore takes precedence. We do not fast on Shabbos that is also the ninth of Av for a very totally different reason. We fast and cry on Tisha B’av, mourning the loss of the closeness of the Shechina which was lost to us with the destruction of the Beis Hamikdosh. But we don’t mourn these losses on Shabbos because Shabbos is a Beis Hamikdosh! On Shabbos Kodesh, the Shechina joins us once again! There is no reason to mourn while we have the Shechina on Shabbos!

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HaKadosh Boruch Hu gives us this special opportunity every week. Let’s keep trying to increase our awareness of Kedushas Shabbos and sooner or later we’ll get it right. May we all figure out for ourselves the best ways to connect with Him on this special day, and be nurtured through this profound connection!

In whatever role Hashem has cast you, selfknowledge is your key to thriving. Let me help you to better relationships and overcome challenges with self-discovery and acceptance. Because you want to thrive, not just survive! [IF] ------------------------------------------------------Yehudis Sashitzky CPC, of Coaching Empowers, is a Personal Growth Life Coach. Graduating Touro College with a double major in Psychology and Education, she has worked for P’eyim/ Lev L’Achim for the past 16 years. She is certified as a Professional Coach by the Darco School of Coaching. Yehudis lives with her husband and blended family in Flatbush, NY. Experience for yourself the rewards of clarity and insight that coaching will bring you, with a complimentary session. Phone coaching is available. Yehudis can be reached at 718-258-4020 or 917-324-3125, or via email at: yehudis@coachingempowers.net.

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[ Who Is The Hollywood Rabbi? ] Featuring: SHABBAT.COM

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Rabbi Benzion Klatzko, former Campus Rabbi at UCLA, has earned the status of “The Hollywood Rabbi,” with some of Hollywood’s biggest stars becoming regulars at his monthly class on Jewish thoughts. He has reconnected literally thousands of young Jewish men and women to their heritage. His latest brainchild, www.

“Shabbat.com reflects the genuine desire of Jewish people all across the world to welcome

A

other Jews into their homes.” shabbat.com, allows you to find a host family for Shabbos—wherever you are in the world, whether you’re new to Jerusalem or traveling through Israel, Europe, or North America. As a guest, you can see pictures and information on your host’s profile page and contact them for a Shabbos invitation. As a host, you can

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view the potential guest’s profile and picture as well as references to ensure a safe and meaningful experience. You also have the option to search for guests to invite, providing a handson kiruv opportunity within the reach of every frum family. So whether you say Shabbat or Shabbos, it’s great to know that there is a special family waiting to share their challah with you—and help you to find a peaceful oasis of holiness in your week.

The seeds of this ambitious project were planted when Rabbi Benzion Klatzko, the site’s founder, realized the scope of the Shabbos placement problem. “Originally, the thought was, ‘We want to inspire people to keep Shabbos, but there are 52 Shabbosos a year, and if they don’t have places to go, keeping Shabbos is not a practical option.’”

Rabbi Klatzko regularly hosts 50 people for Shabbat meals. “My wife, Shani, is the true hero; I wouldn’t be able to do it without her,” says the Orthodox father of 10 who lives in Monsey. Shani grew up in a home in which her parents kept a large tray of chicken and a huge pot of soup on the table, and poor people would stream in all day long, he says. “To her, it’s a natural thing.”

In the end, Rabbi Klatzko knew that a con-

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certed effort was needed in order to link individuals to families. “We, the Jewish people, have many, many resources, but we’re not always as organized as we could be. Everyone has good intentions, so if we can take everyone’s good intentions and put them on one site as a resource that everyone can use, we would have a tremendous amount of power.”

“It’s great to know that there is a special family waiting to share their challah with you.”

Geared primarily towards the newly religious and the hundreds of students around the world who are interested in learning more about Yiddishkeit, Shabbat.com www.seeyouonShabbos.com is a revolutionary service that will provide Shabbos placement for any Jew, anywhere. The site offers a number of features, including “Search for hosts in your area,” “View a host’s profile,” and “Book a Shabbos,” to name a few. Using location and other criteria

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like pet or food allergies, a registered guest can select a host family that best fits their needs.

There is even a link called “Shabbos Facts,” which serves as an informative “Shabbos-101tool for first-timers. For registered hosts, the site outlines five security measures—like viewing a guest’s profile—that will help protect the families who partake in this chessed.

Rabbi Klatzko has been working on the front lines of kiruv and rabbonus for 21 years. As one of the initiators of kiruv on the West Coast, and currently a director for college outreach for North America, he has seen the need firsthand for this type of database.

“Hundreds of people are becoming frum each year, and many hundreds more are interested in learning about Yiddishkeit. But the community is not organized enough to be a resource for them,” Rabbi Klatzko says. “All in all, it is almost impossible to arrange Shabbos while trying to maintain momentum on the front lines of kiruv.”

A site like this, Rabbi Klatzko envisioned, would serve the dual purpose of enabling a sustained path of growth through students’ connections to frum families and other likeminded individuals, “while eliminating much

(Continued on page 30)

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of the time and energy expended in order to place them for Shabbos.”

For kiruv professionals, who may have 100 students to place, the site will serve as a networking gold-mine.

Identifying the Shabbos placement problem was easy; creating the website has been a lot more difficult. As one could imagine, there is a lot of grassroots networking needed to implement a project of this magnitude. “We have been working on the project for 14 months, with a staff of 12 working full- or part-time on the logistics,” Rabbi Klatzko says. He needed each one of them because “the logic behind how to create booking, add friends, and allow guests to confirm their plans were all very difficult to create.”

Starting the site has involved a lot of brainstorming, Rabbi Klatzko admits. After all, several key factors would affect the success of the site in achieving his objectives. The Shabbat. com team discussed the following: “How do we give enough information that a guest will feel comfortable enough to go to a host without compromising the host’s security? How do we create a design that is pleasing to the eye, and a simple user interface that wouldn’t

be daunting to the average user? How will we ensure that every Jew, regardless of their background and denomination, will want to use the site?” The issues are complex, and behind the scenes, combining them into a seamless website has been a challenge.

“I think that this site will help create beautiful Shabbos experiences, connect people, and help to connect Klal Yisroel. As a baalas teshuvah who needs a place to spend Shabbos each week, the outpouring of people looking to host guests is very meaningful,” Goodman says.

“In its first year, nearly

The site will prove to be more of a long-awaited resource than many non-kiruv-professionals might think.

fifteen thousand people signed up on the site from countries as diverse as Sweden, Germany, and Belgium.”

Students who have heard of the site are thrilled about the prospect of finding Shabbos hosts more easily. “Shabbat.com reflects the genuine desire of Jewish people all across the world to welcome other Jews into their homes,” says Sammie Goodman, from Merrick, NY, an alumna of Neve Yerushalayim seminary.

“One of the hardest things about becoming frum is connecting to frum families,” says Marnie Kruschen of Los Angeles. “As a baalas teshuvah myself, I can remember the days when I felt too embarrassed and shy to call families I didn’t know to invite myself to their home. If I could have used shabbat.com, my life would have been much easier. It would have taken the awkwardness out of calling families, because I would have known [that since] they were on the site, they wanted me!”

Shabbat.com will also be an unparalleled resource for those returning from baal teshuvah seminaries or yeshivos in Israel, who may not have any personal contacts in frum communities in America.

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“Being newly frum, you live a dichotomous life that involves trying to shed the negatives of your past and embrace the positives of your future,” Kruschen says. “This website acknowledges that dichotomy and eases your way into your new, frum lifestyle.”

Rabbi Klatzko’s vision for Shabbat.com does not end at Shabbos placements. “Ultimately, I am looking at this site becoming the epicenter of the Jewish worldwide web, where a person can go on and find not only places for Shabbos, but also shuls, kosher eateries, shidduchim, and eventually jobs as well.”

There is a lot more development planned for www.Shabbos.com before the site’s potential is realized. In its first year, nearly fifteen thousand people signed up on the site from countries as diverse as Sweden, Germany, and Belgium. Thirty five thousand have been invited to Shabbos from 66 different countries. Its founders are hopeful that the efforts of those who hear about this project in its first year will help spread the word, register themselves as guests or hosts, and expand the resource base quickly. For those interested in kiruv, but are unsure of where to start, this is an ideal way to get one’s feet wet in the field.

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Families thinking of participating should know how much the gesture of hosting one Shabbos meal can affect a Jewish neshama. “Shabbos is a time when an individual can get oneon-one time with inspirational individuals, get a taste for the beauty of Shabbos first-hand, and experience a life of honesty, spirituality, and purity,” says Kruschen. “Hosting individuals for Shabbos is the single most impactful thing you can do for kiruv.”

“Hosting individuals for Shabbos is the single most impactful thing you can do for kiruv.”

Alexis Lefton (listed as unaffiliated, now listed as Orthodox) was found on the site and after coming a few times went to Shaarim for the Year. Here is her feedback from one of our Shabbosim: “Wonderful host! I thank you again

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from my whole heart for everything that you and your family do. Everyone is amazing. The wonderful thing is you never know who you’re going to meet or what is in store for you at the Klatzo house. I will miss you all and I look forward to sharing my Israel trip and spending time with you when I come back.”

Here is a profile of a girl named Rebbeka Morris, randomly found on the site: “Hi, I’m Bekah!

I’m outdoorsy and artistic,and I love trying new things. I would love to spend a traditional Shabbas with an Orthodox family because, while I was raised Reform/Conservative, I’m interested in living in the way of Torah and mitzvot.I really appreciate anyone who could help me find a place to have this wonderful experience.”

Here is her feedback after Shabbos: “I have never been to a traditional Shabbos, so all I can say was what an experience! If you’re new to celebrating Shabbos, or have been doing it all your life, this is definitely the place to go to have a warm and welcoming experience! Thank you, again, for having me.” [IF] ------------------------------------------------------For more information about www.shabbat.com, visit the site or email Rabbi Klatzko at: sagewannabe@aol.com.

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[ How Not To Look Old ] By: Sylvia Hamowy

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or many women, the older they get, the better they look. It seems that they come into their own being, knowing who they are and have self confidence with how they want to look and act. There are other women who seem to fall into the cracks of time. They have managed to stay the same through the years, but not in a way that flatters them. If they still wear their hair in the page boy fluff of the sixties when they looked chic, keeping this style gives them an outdated look. Sometimes it is not easy to see ourselves in a new way. We get used to a hairstyle that is our best look for that period of time. As time passes, they don’t grow with the times. It is hard for them to experiment and they fall into a rut until their hair becomes so outdated that it ages them.

GRAY HAIR There is something about seeing grey roots on a woman’s hairline that spells “OLD AND UNKEMPT.” Maybe this is just my opinion, but when I see a woman with gray roots it really bothers me. The minute I see a gray hair, I cover it. There is something about gray that maybe reminds me that I am not as young as I would like to look. It definitely rattles me. Of course, there are days that the gray just pops

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up when you least expect it and you are trying to prolong coloring your hair. Sometimes there just isn’t enough time to get it done at that particular moment. There are many products on the market that temporarily cover roots. I still haven’t found a great one yet, but I am working on it. Available for touch up is a stick that you use on wet hair, a powder that you use with a brush, and a mascara. All of these products will cover the gray roots for a day until you can color it yourself or go to a beauty salon and have it done professionally. I tried a product from one of the name brands that was a root touch up. I left it on for ten minutes as the instructions said, but it turned out to be a mess for me. It got on the side of my hair and darkened it. There must be a better way and if there is, I am going to find it because I love the feeling when my hair is newly colored. I feel young again.

LIPSTICK AND LIP GLOSS As with everything else cosmetic, updating your lipsticks to a more medium shade updates a woman’s look. Wearing candy pink lipstick with dark heavy lip liner is a no no. Lip gloss on an older woman accentuates the lines in her lips and calls attention to an ageing area.

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Using a neutral or mauve lipstick will improve upon this look. Lip liner is a must for some of us because of unevenly shaped lips. It is in the application that sets it apart.

NO MAKEUP When I see a woman without makeup, I like to ask why, since I am in the beauty business.

Many feel that makeup ages them and they say it feels too heavy. In my opinion, when we age we don’t have the flawless skin that we once had as teenagers. We need all the help we can get. There are so many remarkable makeup foundations to try. Makeup has become so sophisticated that it hides a multitude of sins.

It leads me to believe that they haven’t experimented with anything new. Makeup, whether it be natural or otherwise, is the best part of grooming and takes away that aged look. We can look as good as we dream to look. It just takes a little change. [IF] ------------------------------------------------------Sylvia Hamowy is the owner of Reflections Cosmetics. She is a professional makeup artist, beauty editor, and former radio show host. She is featured in the International Who’s Who of Entrepreneurs. For more information, check out: www.reflectionscosmetics.com.

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[ The Psychology of Photography ] By: Rina Schiffman

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couple of years ago, before I knew what the term shutter speed meant and when I thought an f-stop* was the place you waited to catch the F train, I was majoring in psychology in an undergraduate program. I had always loved psychology and I knew I wanted to work with children, so I had plans to get my masters degree in school psychology, thus combining both my interests into what I thought then would be a dream job. Little did I know that life would take me in a different direction, and that in a few years I would actually be working with children and utilizing lots of psychology techniques—but not while working as a school psychologist. Instead, I started my photography business and I now spend my days working with children and families creating the perfect portrait. So, you ask, scratching your head, what in the world does psychology have to do with portrait photography?? Surprisingly, the answer is: a lot.

Let’s take an imaginary look at two portraits of a little boy. When you look at portrait A, you see a little boy posed nicely on a bench, his light blue eyes staring straight at the camera without any real expression on his face.

You notice that the lighting is very nice, and that the boy’s clothes coordinate well with the pretty background and the bench. Technically speaking, it’s a good portrait. You can be sure the photographer knows his stuff; the photo has good lighting and good exposure, and the colors are all very complimentary.

Now let’s have a look at the second portrait of the same little boy. You notice all the things you saw in the first portrait, yet when you 40

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look at the little boy, your heart stops for just a second. His blue eyes are sparkling with pleasure, and although he is not smiling fully, you can just see the pure happiness in his eyes and mouth and you can feel the angelic innocence of this adorable little boy radiating from the picture.

When looking at the second portrait, it is apparent that the photographer not only has good technical skills, but excellent people skills as well. It is not enough that the subject is simply posed and well lit, or sitting on a cute prop; there has to be real emotion and truly natural expressions. Those qualities are what draw the viewer right into the portrait and make the viewer feel a connection to the subject. And that is where psychology can make the difference between an okay portrait and a beautiful, poignant one. To make portraits like the second one described above, the photographer has to be great at drawing out the real personalities of their subjects. When working with children, who are naturally less inhibited in front of the camera, it can be as simple as using a funny puppet to start a conversation. Throw in a couple of silly sounds and a little bit of tickling, and you have adorable, real expressions on your subject’s face.

When photographing older kids, there are many psychological barriers that can prevent a photographer from getting natural expressions—things like shyness, pressure from parents to perform and behave, and self consciousness over perceived physical blemishes or defects. The photographer has to know how to F a s h i o n

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get around these impediments by helping the subject not only relax, but to actually begin to enjoy the process of being photographed. The same applies to photographing adults, who for the most part do not enjoy having their photo taken. Their dislike of being in front of the camera can stem from psychological hang-ups about their appearance or body, or can simply arise from the feeling of self consciousness about sitting and smiling in front of someone they hardly know. Factor in a couple of misbehaving children and the stress level rises even higher. Simply put, stressed out parents are not going to like the finished portrait. A good photographer should have (or work on acquiring) the excellent people skills and some basic knowledge of psychology that’s needed to connect with, relax, and gain their subject’s trust. Only then can they begin to draw out the natural expressions that will take a portrait from “just good” to “amazing.” *An f-stop is actually a camera lens aperture setting that corresponds to an f-number. [IF] ------------------------------------------------------Rina Schiffman is a professional photographer specializing in creating beautiful, emotive portraits of babies, children, and families. Her studio is located in Brooklyn, NY. To schedule a portrait session or for more information, she can be reached at 917-750-3424 or RinaSchiffman@ yahoo.com. Check out her website at www.

RinaSPhotography.com, read about her latest sessions on her blog at www.throughrinaslens.wordpress.com, and follow her on Facebook to be part of really cool contests and free giveaways.

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[ Balancing The National Budget Is Easier Than Balancing Chometzik And Pesachdik ] By: Yehudis Sashitzky CPC

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Many of us choose the fashionable ostrich posture of head in the sand denial—those of us who haven’t begun our Pesach cleaning yet. It’s really tough to get into it, but once we finally do…we get going and prove our mettle—we dig in and CLEAN, not letting up until the job is done.

Some of us don’t even come up for air.

stances. We all know that balancing the national budget is by far easier than balbal ancing Chometzik and Pesachdik. ThereThere fore, a little humor might make the medimedi cine go down, the broom sweep, the mop wash, and the scrub cloth scour a bit easier.

And so, to somewhat relieve the pain of the inevitable, I offer a short reprieve from your current pre-Pesach reality— by allowing you to enter what was once mine. My only defense before those who, upon reading this, might look askance at me saying how can I possibly have let such things happen to me, is that these events have happened over many, many years of diligent and mostly uneventful pre-Pesach preparations. By the time you are making your hundred and fifth Seder, perhaps you, too, will have such stories to tell.

At this profound juncture in time, I advise taking a deep (cleansing) breath, and, to ease our pre-Pesach nerves, I put pen to paper in defense of our good Jewish women trying to do their best under the most trying of circum-

Those who know me well know me to be conscientious and enthusiastic to do Mitzvos properly. Under ordinary circumstances things have seemed to work out well for me; the following being a few exceptional moments that

o use hiding out or pretending we don’t know. The time to roll up our proverbial sleeves has arrived. It is the era of the scrubbing, the age of the washing, and the epoch of the scouring. You start the cleaning, and, basically, don’t stop until Pesach.

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wouldst I could forget. Forgetting not being optional, I attempt to give you a moment in comic relief. I hope the recounting of some of my most dreadful moments brings a smile to your face and a bounce to your heart at this, your greatest time of need, almost Erev Pesach.

Although you may take all of the following with a grain of (Kosher L’Pesach ) salt, nothing truer has ever been recorded. And so I’ll begin my sorry tale.

I remember this particularly tricky Yom Tov well: Shabbos was Erev Pesach, with Motzoi Shabbos being the first Seder. That meant that although Chometz could be eaten and used until early Shabbos morning, all cleaning away of Chometz had to be accomplished before Shabbos itself as Shabbos went straight into Pesach.

The entire house was Pesachdik, of course, aside from the small bag of challah rolls needed for Lechem Mishne for Friday night and early Shabbos morning. These most anxiously guarded rolls were to be eaten standing or

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crouching in the hallway, like thieves in the night, very, very carefully. Thereafter, all participants’ clothing were to be dusted down, hallway floor wiped clean, and hands washed, before anyone dared sit down to the Pesachdik Shabbos table. In other words, the house was empty of Chometz and ready for Pesach.

Hefker, no longer belonging to me, so in theory the Chometz could be in the can, how was I to get the cans out to the street and not on my property (again in my Rishus) without “carrying”? So that wouldn’t work either. I was a single parent then, and had no one to ask as to what in heaven’s name was to be done.

My young, school-age children needed lunch on this particular Erev Shabbos/Erev Pesach, and a place to eat this lunch. So what was I to feed them and where would they eat this lunch if it contained Chometz? The brilliant idea of ordering pizza, one last pizza lunch before the eight day ban descended, came to me.

No sooner thought than carried out. Where would the children eat their lunch? On the porch, of course! It was outside the Pesachdik house—no worries as to crumbs getting tracked around the house. Any crumbs that fell on the porch would blow away in the wind and “would be considered like the dust of the earth.”

The reality of my circumstance began to sink in: I had cleaned every last bit of Chometz in my knowledge from my house, but was now stuck and speedily heading into the disastrous situation of owning Chometz on Pesach and not having a clue what I could do about it!

I continued my Pesach cooking contentedly in the kitchen. It was an especially difficult Erev Shabbos, as there were many added things that needed to be done for the first Seder, but could not be done on Shabbos. I hurried to get everything completed on time. Finally the moment to bring in the Shabbos had come. All the work of the past few months was finally done!

I lit the Shabbos candles and collapsed onto the couch, in blissful peace, with a feeling of accomplishment…until I happened to look out the window.

Uh, oh. There, sitting on my porch table was the box the pizza had come in, with three slices of pizza still sitting in the box!!! Being young, none of the children had thought to tell me that there was pizza left over, and with all that was going on in the house I had simply forgotten about it.

No biggie, I thought at first. Chometz would not become prohibited for many hours, yet.

I would simply take the pizza and…and what?!!?? What would I do with the pizza???! I went over each option carefully. Eat them? We were eating Fleishig meals, and anyway, cold pizza was not really a Shabbos delicacy. I contemplated waking up extra early and somehow getting down my throat three ice cold slices of pizza. There was no way that was going to fly.

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And then Hashem had Rachmanus on me and the idea came to me. I quickly and carefully brought the slices of pizza into the bathroom and broke them up into pieces that were successfully flushed down and out of my house, in accordance with the laws of Shabbos.

I still shudder at the memory of the moments before the idea came to me.

This next episode could happen to anyone: I had the Zechus of having a cleaning lady help me with my Pesach cleaning. On the day of Bedikas Chometz, in an attempt to get rid of the last few items of Chometz, I gifted the Polish cleaning woman with a package of English muffins. She eagerly and happily accepted them, putting them away with her personal affects until she was to leave, and then went on with her work.

The next day, Biur Chometz long past, and the time when owning Chometz was permitted long gone, I paused amidst the high gear hustle and bustle of pots and pans in the kitchen to put something away in the playroom closet.

To my utter astonishment and dismay, there on the shelf sat the package of muffins. The woman had somehow taken her personal items, but had forgotten the muf muffins!!!! I don’t remember exactly how I got rid of them. I do, however, remember attempting to comfort myself that although technically they were in my house, at least they were no longer mine,, as the F a s h i o n

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Polish goyta had accepted them. They were HER muffins…that unfortunately were found in MY house, but, Boruch Hashem, discovered and gotten rid of before Pesach actually arrived. Like the birthday candles that relight as soon as you blow them out, in an appalling way the Chometz I had disposed of had done a reappearing stunt. What a nightmare!

Then there was the time that I remember walking to shul with a baby in the carriage on the first or second day of the Pesach. You remember—those huge Silver Cross carriages we used to use that were built like tanks, could hold two and half babies plus a toddler, and had huge pouches hanging from the handles.

Well whoever was the baby at the time began to cry. I quickly rummaged in the suitcasesize carriage pouch to find a pacifier or toy or something. Well, I found something, alright! I groped at it and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a round, perfectly whole, hard as a rock BAGEL!!! I panicked. It was Pesach and I was standing there holding a bagel!!!! Not knowing what the Halacha is when one finds a bagel on Pesach when it’s not Chol Hamoed, I ran to the nearest sewer as quickly as I could and threw it down there. (I’ve never subsequently asked my Rav what the correct procedure is should one find a whole bagel in one’s hand on Pesach Yom Tov, so all I can advise you is: Don’t!

Perhaps you’d appreciate my true innocence on this next occasion: the year when some marketing genius first hit on the idea that the consumer would purchase anything deemed “natural.” And so there came to be “natural” everything and anything including “natural” medications, and, of course, “natural” shampoo. One type of natural shampoo to first come out was wheat shampoo. Now who could please explain to me how it helped your

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ere nd ovally ght ng ea

ber on rewe uld nd es. gan seor t! I t it sa nd Not nds mas ver ect in ad-

nce me the med al” al” mfirst ho our

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hair if you had some wheat in your shampoo? It remains a mystery to me, but natural wheat shampoo was born. Now, in order to get the word out, and the consumer hooked on natural wheat shampoo, the company decided to give out free samples, delivered to you courtesy of the post office. If you had no mail box outside your home, but a mail slot, as I did then, the mail would be delivered directly into your home via that slot.

ently than recommended. Firstly, we don’t only Pesach clean, we Spring clean. Well, we want the house to be at its best for Pesach, and anyway, if not now, when will we get to paperwork sorting, drawer organizing, or chandelier cleaning? Are you with me on this? Secondly, we believe, no matter what we are told, that a speck of Chometz in an unreachable crevice is an anathema and must be retrieved and removed no matter. Chometz is the villain and we can’t have any of it.

You probably figured out the rest. I was sitting and minding my own business, in my Chometz-free home, reading my Chometz-free book, during my Chometz-free (but that would soon change) Pesach Chol Hamoed. Suddenly, through my mail slot shoots an unsolicited sample package of wheat shampoo, right onto my floor. I reiterate: I did not know what the proper procedure on how to handle Chometz on Pesach was since I never want to be handling Chometz on Pesach, and never expect to be. And so, immediately upon seeing this— for free—wheat shampoo sample bomb, I picked it up in a panic and pushed it back out through the mail slot. The mailman, thinking it had fallen out because he had not placed the mail properly into the slot, conscientiously picked it up and placed it back in through the mail slot once again! I don’t remember what happened after that; I already remember more than I would like!

Perhaps the aforementioned events would more aptly be called nightmares, and in my concern to accomplish what I must for Pesach, I have actually had real nightmares—for instance, dreaming that I somehow didn’t know that Pesach was coming. Suddenly, the oblivion is lifted and I realize that in three hours it will be Pesach! And NOTHING was done—no cleaning, no shopping, no cooking, Chometz all over the house, no food prepared, and a family to feed. What a nightmare!! I’ve been revisited by varying forms of this nightmare in advance of Pesach upon several occasions.

So to help us all calm down a bit, I remind myself out loud of the recommendations of the Rabbanim on Pesach cleaning. Part of what I now report was culled from the writings of Rabbi Yisroel Reisman, Shlita.

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But we Jewish women have no sense of proportion, when it comes to Chometz.

What really is a problem is a Kizayis of Chometz—olive-sized pieces or accumulation of pieces—not the fine dust on the windowsills.

We are also super careful, as we should be, with anything to do with Pesach food, where any amount of Chometz really is a major issue. But again, we take worry to the next level and refine it into an art. I used to have a Seder tray that hung on the wall as a decoration. I remember wanting to use it for one Seder, when it crossed my mind that since it was “out” on the wall all year, perhaps it was Chometzkdik.

I called Rav Ashur Zimmerman ZT”L, who answered me that unless I was in the habit of throwing bread at the walls, I could use it without hesitation.

I’d like to close with some suggestions to help you on your journey through the Pesach dues we all pay. Set aside fifteen minutes now, that will help streamline all your future work. With an organized approach you won’t find yourself doing something for Pesach and then being in need of redoing it because you miscalculated.

Step one: Put down on paper every item that will need doing. Think each piece through – A. How long will it take (be generous with time because you know it always takes a lot longer than you think it will). B. Who will be doing that particular job? C. When would be the right time to do that job? D. What tools or items will you need in order to complete the job properly? E. What needs doing before you can do that job?

Step two: Once you have all the jobs organized in order of doing, make a timeline by putting each job down on a calendar. Mark off the days and the hours in the week you will deF a s h i o n

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vote to each job. Continue until all your jobs are planned out.

Add a few days for things you forgot to include, or things that take longer than you expect. Don’t forget to add in time for all the extra things that are not cleaning jobs, like papering the kitchen cabinet shelves and shopping and putting away all the groceries.

Step three: To tackle your Pesach meals, make a menu with every food you plan to serve, and when. In a sidebar, list all the ingredients you will need to make that food. Your sidebars get incorporated into your shopping lists, so nothing gets forgotten. Plan out when you will be making each item and what you will need to store everything.

In a quick review: 1. List all of your jobs in an organized way. 2. Be realistic about time, and designate time on a calendar to do each one— and stick to it. 3. Make a full menu. Do this and your Pesach preparations will be as easy as 1, 2, 3!!

Who am I kidding? Just remember to keep breathing, and that every hundred mile trek starts with the first single step…and then just keep on walking!

To ensure that you experience your Pesach preparations in a calm, organized, and harmonious way, call for support to sort through your thinking around all its aspects and facets—the preparations, the politics, or the logistics.

In whatever role Hashem has cast you, selfknowledge is your key to thriving. Let me help you to better relationships and overcome challenges with self-discovery and acceptance. Because you want to thrive, not just survive! [IF] ------------------------------------------------------Yehudis Sashitzky CPC, of Coaching Empowers, is a Personal Growth Life Coach. Graduating Touro College with a double major in Psychology and Education, she has worked for P’eyim/ Lev L’Achim for the past 16 years. She is certified as a Professional Coach by the Darco School of Coaching. Yehudis lives with her husband and blended family in Flatbush, NY. Experience for yourself the rewards of clarity and insight that coaching will bring you, with a complimentary session. Phone coaching is available. Yehudis can be reached at 718-258-4020 or 917-324-3125, or via email at: yehudis@coachingempowers.net.

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[ Otsar’s Children Celebrate Purim ] By: Gwen Susan Bloom

O

tsar’s children celebrated Purim with their peers. They baked hamantashen, enjoyed a carnival, visited other schools, and welcomed friends from other schools/programs to our own Otsar campus.

Megilas Esther tells us that when Haman sought to destroy our people, he wanted to destroy ALL THE JEWISH PEOPLE, regardless of their abilities or disabilities. This Purim, like every other day at Otsar, reminded us that

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every Jewish neshama is precious and a vital part of the Klal Yisroel that was saved so many centuries ago.

At this especially busy time of year, we invite you to call at (718) 946-7301 ext. 217 to find out how you can help Otsar with its mission of inclusion and assist families raising children with developmental disabilities in our community. [IF] -------------------------------------------------------

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The Shmuz on Life: Stop Surviving and Start Living – Book Excerpt

Chapter 12

[ Travel Brochures and The World to Come ] By: Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

“Jamaica: White beaches, cloudless skies, endless oceans. Once you go, you know.”

-Travel ad

T

here is an entire industry dedicated to writing travel brochures. Their advertisements offer to take you by rail, cruise, and camel back from the African rainforests to the snow-covered Alps. Then off to Jamaica, Aruba, and the Gulf of Mexico— from the quaint to the spectacular, the picturesque to the breathtaking. They beckon you to see the world.

If you watch people when they look at these pamphlets, they often get a far-off gaze in their eyes as they imagine themselves traveling to those exotic lands. This is interesting because most people who pick them up have no inten-

tion of ever going to those places. They’re nice to look at, interesting to see, but it has nothing to do with me.

This seems to be the way we view the World to Come. Intriguing! Fascinating! I love the descriptions. But it has nothing to do with me.

Don’t get me wrong; being close to Hashem and enjoying eternal bliss sounds wonderful.

It’s just that I have no intention of being there.

You see, by the time it happens, I will be dead.

My nishamah might be there. My soul could end up there. But me? I will be dead and gone.

So this whole discussion is interesting, but irrelevant.

I AM A PHYSICAl BeInG The reason we feel this way is that we view ourselves as physical beings. After all, isn’t man

just flesh and blood, a mere mortal? “With the sweat of his brow he earns his daily bread, and then passes from the earth never to be heard from again.” We get so caught up in this limited definition of man that we start to believe it. And we start to confuse ourselves with our bodies. Oh, granted, I have a soul—whatever that is—but it has little to do with me. I am this body. ever since I can remember, I’ve been inside this body. everything that I have ever experienced is through it. I guess this is all there is. And life seems to confirm this. If you punch my arm, it hurts me. If I stub my toe, I feel pain. I and my body are one. So obviously, when this body is buried in the ground, I am dead. Gone. extinct. And the World to Come is irrelevant.

Of course, we are supposed to believe otherwise.

(Continued on page 60) 58

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The problem is that in our heart of hearts, this is how we feel. The question is: how do we get our feelings in line with our beliefs? Here is an illustration that may help.

WInnInG THe lOTTO It is a Sunday morning; you pick up the newspaper, lazily turning the pages, letting your eye fall where it may. “no news today,” you say to yourself. Before you put the paper down, just for kicks, you turn to the lottery section, and look for that week’s winning numbers.

You find them. A jolt surges through your vol uta body. “What!? 7 8 4 3 4 5. Those are my numspie t e te d a d bers!? What?! Wait. How can that be?” You olu o t l v o dol olo upt rum run to your desk drawer. You grab your lotaq ut ui a id cep tery ticket. You run back to the kitchen. You ulla r b ei im ped qui itin as hold your ticket up to the newspaper. “7 8 4 ven us s imp equ o 3 4 5. That’s it! Those are my numbers! Oh, e ve um nda vol e. my goodness. My numbers. My numbers. I upt ad owon! I mean, I won! I won the nY lotto! I don’t believe it. I mean, I won! I Won! I WOn! olo WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” ru

mq uam ut vol ora pre e i ca bor as c upt ae mq ue i Nem nespta t et

If we could stop time and ask what you were feeling at that moment, you would probably answer, “elation. Great joy. Fantastic happiness. I mean, I WOn!!!” Then if we were to ask you who felt it, you’d say, “What do you mean who felt it? I felt it.”

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That’s true, but was it your arms, your head, or your chest that felt it? Was it your back, your shoulders, or your legs?

The answer is none of them did. You felt it. even if your legs were numb and your arms were tied up, you would still feel that tremendous sense of joy. So who felt it? not your body, not your physical housing—you felt it.

You felt pleasure. You were ecstatic. That sense of pleasure isn’t dependent upon your body. In fact, it has no connection to your physical state of being. But you experienced it.

On the other side of the spectrum, imagine that someone is screaming at you, calling you every nasty name in the book. “You worthless excuse of a human being. I didn’t even know that people as low as you could exist.” Hearing those words causes you pain. You feel hurt. It’s not your heart that feels it. It’s not your nerves or your synapses that feel embarrassed. You do. True, you feel with your fingers, taste with your tongue, and smell with your nose, but it is you that experiences it. You are the one who occupies the body and controls its destiny. You are the master of the ship.

There are many things that you feel that aren’t physical in nature. The full gamut of emotions, from love to hate to rage to jealousy, are things

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that you feel. You feel proud of your accomplishments. You feel appreciative of kind gestures from others, and you feel hurt by cruel words that people say. It isn’t your heart that feels the pain. euphemistically, we use expressions like a broken heart, but what we really mean is that you have been hurt.

You enjoy listening to music and looking at beautiful landscapes. You feel a sense of awe when you view a majestic mountain. You are moved to tears by the sheer power of the ocean. You are grieved when a friend dies. You are ecstatic when your sister has a baby.

The single most life-transforming thought a person can ever come to is that when your body dies, you will live on. You—with all of your feelings, thoughts, and memories—step out of the coat called the body. [IF] ------------------------------------------------------This is an excerpt from the new Shmuz on Life book: Stop Surviving and Start Living. The book will be in seforim stores beginning April 2011. Pre- releases copies are available now at: www.TheShmuz.com.

Copyright 2011 by Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, director of the shmuz.com. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written consent from the publisher.

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[ Ask the Shadchan ] By: Yisroel Friedman I recently tried redting a shidduch to a boy in his latetwenties. The girl is in her mid-twenties. The girl was from out-of-town and the boy expressed his reluctance to begin with such a shidduch unless he saw a picture of the girl. Is this the norm?

T

his age-old dispute between the mothers of boys and girls dates back to 1885, the year that George Eastman developed the first mass produced camera, making photography widely available to the common household. Right around that very same time a mother of a boy (Mother A) said to the town shadchan, Yenta: “My Moishele has been out with already 20 girls. He is sooo frustrated with me, and he tells me that I am not researching the girls properly. Instead of making everybody meshiga in kup, why not just send over a grainy black and white photograph so we can save us all a lot of time (Note: This tradition of sending over a very blurred black and white still holds true today, as if color pictures have not yet been invented.).”

A girl’s mother (Mother B) overheard this conversation and said: “What a chutzpah!!!! And what a lack of tznius!!! I can’t believe someone has the nerve to ask for a photograph of our beautiful Zlatale. If he wants to see her, then why not just get his horse and buggy and travel to our village to take her out on a date?! This is not the way things were done in my days (when cameras didn’t exist). My father said it was a guta shidduch and I obliged, like a true bas yisroel should do. And besides, I don’t like pictures!

I am writing a letter to the Algimaner Journal (the Yated of that time).”

This ranting continued until of course Mother B had a son in shidduchim—who was extremely frustrated by traveling over unpaved roads to go on dates that ended before they

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had even begun. Mother B, who had been adamantly against the use of this new unthinkable invention—a person’s image reduced to a miniature photograph—finally relented, and asked the shadchan for a picture to be mailed or delivered by a reliable shaliach. Fast forward 120 years later, and the trend continues. People still like to maintain that a picture is worth a thousand words of description.

their handsome sons have been “burnt” many times with girls who they are simply not going to marry based on their appearance. These boys do not, chas veshalom, want to make a girl feel bad by having to say no right away based purely on physical countenance. Whether or not the above arguments are legitimate, girls feel a pressure to include a picture with their resume.

The short answer to your question is this: In certain circles, sending a picture is widely unaccepted, while in many circles it is now standard procedure. Therefore, if you are the one redting the shidduch and you happen to have a picture, make sure you get express permission before you send it over (even if it is a fantastic picture showing the person in a good light). If you do have permission to send one’s picture, it is helpful to send a nice Bakovodik solo shot from a family simcha. Don’t send a picture featuring the young person along with 30 other friends and relatives, and with it instruction manuals more difficult than assembling a Chinese washing machine of how to find the person (“She’s the third one from the right standing in the fourth row if you’re facing mizrach.”).

I know many people who are outraged by any request for a picture. While I very much agree with families who feel this way, as a shadchan, I personally view a picture simply as a means: a means to get a boy and a girl go out on a date, a means to change the mind of a difficult mother, or a means to make your daughter’s resume stand out in the eyes of a mother drowning in a sea of names. When you do send a picture, you often see the boy’s mother develop a keen sense of Chachmos Hapartzuf, suddenly feeling as if she has known this girl for many years. A typical response from a mother is, “I can tell from the picture she is refined, eidel, a baalas chesed, and loves children. This is exactly what my Yitzchok needs!” (How she figured that out from a grainy 3x5 baffles the mind.)

That said, your question touches upon a larger pertinent issue: What role should digital photography and images play in the shidduchim process? It is becoming more common for boy’s mothers to request pictures of a girl. This is especially prevalent amongst boys who have been dating for a few years, where their mothers—attempting to shorten the process, heartache, and expense of dating—demand (or at least ask firmly for) a picture even before a first date. The reason they will explain, is because F a s h i o n

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Overall, I feel, that each family should be given the choice to decide on their own if, when, and how to provide a picture, and that the person redting the shidduch should treat and use the picture with utmost respect. [IF] ------------------------------------------------------To submit questions for an upcoming article, please email yfriedman@gatewaysonline.com.

For all shidduchim inquiries, please contact Gateways Shidduch Office at connections@gatewaysonline.com.

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