for parents caught in the middle of raising a teen & young adult
december/january 2015
Brooke Shields’ Shocker!
It’s our 1st anniversary!
a stay at Harbor Beach Resort in florida!
HEr alcoholic mother, HER toxic men and what SHE learned from it all
WTF?! teens &
swearing Powerful Parenting 5 mindful secrets to share this year
their privacy: Ok to invade?
gifts teens will actually love! + Your holidays after divorce
1
inbetween
UNFORGETTABLE BEACH MEMORIES AWAIT.
Step away from the routine and experience a truly memorable ®
vacation at Fort Lauderdale Marriott Harbor Beach Resort & Spa. Dive into waterfront adventures and activities on our private beach including paddleboarding, jet-skiing, parasailing, snorkeling and more all in our sparkling blue ocean waters. After a day of sun and excitement, unwind beachside at our lagoon pool or serene full-service spa. And when you’re in search of an unforgettable meal, treat yourself to an array of delectable choices at one of our three on-site waterfront restaurants. With a location close to Fort Lauderdale’s famous attractions, spectacular ocean views and so much to do all right here, you won’t want to leave our shores.
PLAN YOUR GETAWAY TODAY. VISIT HARBORBEACHMARRIOTT.COM OR CALL 954.525.4000.
®
FORT LAUDERDALE MARRIOTT HARBOR BEACH RESORT & SPA 3030 HOLIDAY DRIVE, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA 33316 954.525.4000 HARBORBEACHMARRIOTT.COM
2
© 2014 Marriott International, Inc.
inbetween
December/January 2015
inbetween INSIGHT
00
7 10 minutes with... Rosie Cepero 9 MODERN FAMILY The Walsh/Kovacs
family shares how they make it work
12 CAR WARS Seven tips for teaching
your teen how to drive without losing it
INFORM
42 33
15 Health & LIFE NEWS 18 Teen privacy brooke shields interview THE ULTIMATE TEEN GIFT GUIDE
When it’s OK to invade 21 Calling FouL
18
when it’s ok to invade
What to do if your teen is swearing 24 ASK THE EXPERT Kimberly Moffit on violent video games 27 The Young & The Restless
How lack of sleep affects your teen 30 Powerful Parenting Five secrets
to share with your teen this year
INSPIRE 33 GIFTS THEY’LL Love
The ultimate gift guide for your teen/20-something 42 A mother’s Love
Brooke Shields shares her story 46 Split season
Surviving the holidays after divorce
12
teaching Your kid to drive
INDULGE 49 FORT LAUDERDALE
Fun in Fort Lauderdale 52 BEST FACE FORWARD
Your guide to glowing skin 54 NEW YEAR NUTRITION
Four superfoods you should be eating 56 Travel: TORONTO
Couples’ getaway destination 60 YOUr Holiday Wish
Standout shades for your nails inbetween
3
Art Director Caroline Bishop Contributing Editor Jacqueline Kovacs Design assistant Rebecca Lasagna Website Manager Victor Chard
ONTRIBUTOR
Editor-In-Chief Rachel Naud
Editorial/Social Media Intern Erin Hesselink
Jeffrey carlson
Jeffrey Carlson is a Torontobased freelance photographer. He is a graduate of Ryerson University’s School of Image Arts where he earned his BFA in Photography. Jeff has shot for various publications including King West Magazine, Walmart Live Better and the City of Toronto. When he isn’t taking photographs, Jeff enjoys designing and building furniture.
Director business development Graham Farkas E-Publishing Issuu Digital Publishing Services
Contributors Jeffrey Carlson, Peter Carter, Gary Direnfeld, Andrea Donsky, Graham Farkas, Jordana Handler, Erin Hesselink, Lara Hyde, Jacqueline Kovacs, Shandley McMurray, Kimberly Moffit, Dale Perry, Janet Sangalang, Lisa Thornbury, Agnes Wywrot. Copyright 2014 inBetween Magazine. All rights reserved. All images, unless otherwise noted, are Thinkstock.
No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. The publisher accepts no responsibility for advertiser’s claims, unsolicited manuscripts, transparencies or other materials.
For any questions, submissions or comments, please contact info@inbetween.ca
4
inbetween
Dale Perry
Lisa Thornbury
When Lisa Thornbury’s daughter was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder, Lisa left her job as an elementary school teacher to work from home creating unique and colourful content for a number of online publications including her own blog—Forever in Mom Genes, www.foreverinmomgenes.com— which focuses on the challenges of raising a child with special needs.
Dale Perry is a PhD. scientist, wife, step-mom, daughter, sister, communicator, life coach, and a ravenous student of life and doughnuts. More importantly, she was once a teenager herself and really wishes someone had shared life’s big spiritual secrets with her or, at the very least, had warned her that big ‘80s hair would come back to haunt her. Read the five secrets she plans to share with her teen on page 30.
from Rachel
Editor portrait by Agnes wywrot
FROM INNER VOICE TO INBETWEEN “Just do it.” The words popped into my head, almost like a whisper from my bossy-pants inner voice. She (and yes, I’ve decided my inner voice must be a she) was encouraging (read pushing) me to act on an idea that I had shoved to the back of my mind for months — a magazine for parents of teens and young adults. I wanted to create a resource that would help parents navigate those tricky years between adolescence and adulthood. Although I wasn’t at that stage yet myself, I could see it in my not-so-distant future. And it terrified me. That’s when INBETWEEN was born. The night before we launched, I was like a nervous new mom. Would readers see the value of the magazine? Would they find the articles interesting and entertaining? One year later, I can say it’s been an incredible ride, and I am so very proud to bring you our anniversary issue with stunning cover girl Brooke Shields. Turns out her inner voice told her to write a tell-all memoir about her rocky relationship with her mom, Teri. Starting on page 42, she shares what she learned from her alcoholic mother and her failed past relationships, and how those tough lessons are helping her be a better mom to her two daughters.
Who can’t relate to wanting to be a better parent? According to writer Dale Perry, that includes sharing five secrets with your teen this year. Curious? Find out for yourself on page 30. Hint: It involves shushing their inner voices and, um, Starbucks. What’s also great this issue? Our stunning gift guide for the teens and 20-somethings on your list, starting on page 33. And if you’re opening up your gifts alone this Christmas, we also have some expert advice on navigating the holidays post-divorce on page 46. Whether it was my inner voice or just a plain, crazy idea, I am so thankful for INBETWEEN and all the people that have helped make this dream come true. Here’s hoping that all of your holiday wishes come true too! Until next year... ■
inbetween
5
L A - Z - B O Y
P R E S E N T S
FROM THE NEW URBAN ATTITUDES COLLECTION
Style is back with a whole new attitude. A living room stylish enough for a movie set doesn’t have to come with a movie star price tag. Meet the surprisingly affordable Urban Attitudes collection from La-Z-Boy. All the chic, urban-inspired style you want, with the La-Z-Boy comfort you expect. After all, why should movie stars have all the fun?
by
la-z-boy.com
6
inbetween
© 2014 La-Z-Boy Incorporated
insight 10 MINUTES WITH...
ROSIE CEPERO Viewers were privy to Rosie Cepero’s gift to communicate with guardian angels on her recently wrapped up season of Angels Among Us on TLC. She chatted with INBETWEEN about the spirit of parenthood and how her guardian angels helped her raise her teens into young adults. by rachel naud
Photo BY Danielle Saraceno
Q. What were some of the biggest parenting challenges you experienced when your boys were teens? A. I have three amazing boys, Frankie, Georgie and Joey. I always had to protect Frankie, because he was gay and there was a lot of bullying going on. I had to be very strong for him. His father and I always told him, “Be who you are, not what others want you to be.” My husband, George, and I made it a point to be there for all of our boys. We were their parents first and their friends second. We always inbetween
7
10 Minutes With
encouraged them to come to us for anything. My boys got it. They knew that when they needed to talk to us, we would always be there for them. We never missed a meal. We always talked about everything—girlfriends, boyfriends, sex, movies—it’s about always being with them, and spending time with them.
about watching your teens grow into young adults? A. I just loved to watch each of them grow into their own person. They still always came to me with questions like “Ma, do you think I should do this or do that? Am I making the right decisions?” I always tried to let them be themselves, make their own decisions and make up their own minds.
Q. What do your sons think of your ability to communicate with guardian angels? A. They have seen it their whole lives. They think it’s awesome that I am able to bring comfort to people that have hearts that are broken. To them, it’s normal. Have they grown to have more patience with me? Absolutely. When they were little, I would say, “we’re
8
inbetween
going to the grocery store.” They would roll their eyes and look at each other and say, “OMG, you know she’s not coming home right away.” They know it’s going to take two or three hours, but only if there’s a message I needed to spread to others.
Q. How have your guardian angels helped you raise your sons? A. They have given me patience, strength and wisdom. When Frankie was 23, they warned me he was going to be in a serious car accident. They told me, “Frankie can’t go out and drive.” I begged him to stay home but he went anyway with his friends. I stayed up all night, praying for his protection. His friend, who was driving, hit the guardrail and the car flipped over three times.
There should have been three dead bodies in the car. But my son, Frankie, will tell you, he felt the warmth of angels surround him. They were saved – all three of them.
Q. With the holidays coming up, what traditions have you saved throughout the years? A. Oh my gosh, the holidays are amazing at my house. We all go to cut down our Christmas tree. We make it a big family event and pick at each other about who has the better looking tree. It’s just an amazing fun day. I start cooking three days before Christmas and the day is spent eating, opening gifts and calling family. My boys still get matching pajamas and Christmas hats that say Faith, Love or Hope. They still love it and so do I. ■
Photos COURTESY OF Tim Hamilton
Q. What was the greatest part
Rosie and her boys
MODERN FAMILY
THE WALSH/KOVACS
FAMILY
Patrick Walsh, 51, Jackie Kovacs, 48, Hayley, 19, Riley, 16, Molly, 13. photography by agnes wywrot inbetween
9
Modern Family
ON THE JOURNEY FROM KIDS TO TEENS My husband and I, obviously as journalists, are into the news, and now our kids quite often watch the news with us and we’ll have discussions as a family. The discussions have changed as they got older and we have much more broad-ranging, grown-up conversations now. When the whole Ghomeshi thing broke, we had a lot of conversations about sexual violence, and it was interesting to hear the different perspectives from our 13-year-old and 19-year-old girls, and then our 16-year-old boy. ON HOW TO STAY CLOSE When they were little, it was easy
10 inbetween
trying to raise polite children in a fairly rude culture is also a challenge. the division between adult world and kid world that existed when I was growing up just isn’t there. to say, “Hey, let’s go for a walk and get ice cream.” But now, to spend time with them, I’m competing with jobs, plus school, plus social lives and they’ve always got their devices out. It becomes a matter of finding things that we like to do together — for us, that includes watching The Walking Dead. ON CONSEQUENCES My youngest is crazy for sleepovers all the time, and I get really tired of the noise that tends to come along with teenage girls in the basement. “I’ll say something like, “It needs to be quiet now,” or “Make sure you clean up when it’s all done,” and if those things don’t happen to my satisfaction, then there (logically) won’t be sleepovers for another month. If you don’t get home on time, you’re grounded. Or, if I couldn’t reach them and they have a cellphone, maybe they don’t need a cellphone!
I try to match the consequences to the crime. ON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS Both my daughters were sort of lower maintenance in the early years whereas my son was very active. He wasn’t a bad kid; he was just very energetic and busy so I found it more of a physical challenge looking after him, whereas the girls could do quieter things. In that regard, they were different. But in terms of emotional and psychological needs, they’re all the same. They all need to be told that they’re loved and valuable and they all need their cuddles. You sometimes forget, especially when they get older, that you still need to hug them every day. ON CHALLENGES None of them is what you’d call a shrinking violet, I’ll tell you
photography by agnes wywrot; agnes.wywrot@gmail.com
The Walsh/Kovacs family lives in Aurora, Ont. Patrick is the editor-in-chief of Outdoor Canada magazine and Jackie is a freelance journalist and contributing editor of INBETWEEN. Hayley, their oldest child, is in her second year studying journalism at Ryerson University. Riley is in Grade 11 and works part time at a local restaurant, and Molly is in Grade 8.
when the whole Ghomeshi thing broke, we had a lot of conversations about sexual violence and it was interesting to hear the different perspectives. that! They’ll speak their minds; they don’t get pushed around. In some ways, it’s great. But it’s also challenging, because, of course, they’ll challenge mom and dad as well. Trying to raise polite children in a fairly rude culture is also a challenge. The division between adult world and kid world that existed when I was growing up just isn’t there. They call their friends’ parents by their first names and there has just sort of been this
erosion of respectfulness toward adults, so I’m just dealing with that. ON PARENTING Your job as a parent is to take them from this cute, squishy little baby into an independent adult who doesn’t need you the same way — they maybe need you as a coach or a confidant. You try to give them enough freedom to let them learn life skills, like taking the bus or doing laundry or cooking, and have the confidence
to do that. But you also have to be able to pull them back in when they mess up or when they don’t get home on time, when their marks are not good, when they’re mouthy — whatever it is. I’m not perfect; I certainly have lost it on more than one occasion while they’ve been growing up. But I always try to make it right—I’ll apologize when I screw up and I’ll try to show them that I’m acknowledging that I could have done better. ■ inbetween
11
Car WARS TIPS for teaching your teenager to drive, without losing it. by peter carter
12 inbetween
NEW COLUMN!
I do a lot of driving. I have my tractor-trailer licence; I was raised in a family that ran a fleet of buses so I was driving professionally when I was still in my teens; I edit a magazine about trucking so I interview professional drivers daily. And, most importantly, I have raised two daughters and a son, all of whom have their licences. I can take some credit for coaching them — and get this — they still talk to me. I also, very recently, took a colleague out for a few driving lessons. She’s 23 and had come late to driving. After our outings, she said, “I wish I’d had you teaching me instead of my dad.” High praise. So it’s only fair that I share my unique insights on taking the terror out of teaching your teen to drive.
#1. Communicate Seven years ago, when my daughter Ria was 16, she and I met one of the top truck drivers in North America. I asked him the best single piece of advice for a young driver. His answer: “Be aware of everything that’s going on around you, 360 degrees. Everything.” This pretty much encapsulates the problem with you riding around with your teenager. You think he doesn’t see how close
Raising Dad
he is to the parked cars. Or that the Lexus in front of you is slowing down. So rather than screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW SO CLOSE?” have him provide a running commentary about what he’s observing. It’s more than you know.
#2. Play act Pretend she’s somebody else’s daughter. How would you behave teaching your friend’s 17-year-old? I’ve tried this. It’s very calming.
#3. Remember Unless you’re forcing him to get a licence against his will, the young man behind the wheel is working harder at this than anything he’s ever tried in his whole life. (OK, except for getting laid.) If he ever wanted to ace a project, it’s this one. And he will be OK at it.
#4. Reframe Driving is easy. Look at all the people who get around each day unscathed. You aren’t worried when you get behind the wheel, are you? And has your teenager proven to be horribly inept at, say, carrying books or staying balanced on a bicycle? If not, why should he be incapable of keeping a car out of a crash?
In his premiere column, Ex-Chatelaine family columnist and awardwinning magazine editor Peter Carter dishes on a harrowing topic: teaching your teen to drive. In each issue of INBETWEEN, he’ll be tackling topics and sharing experiences about how the role of fatherhood changes in teenage and young adulthood. Peter has four brothers, four sisters, one wife, two daughters and a son, the last three of which all recently graduated from teenagehood with all their limbs and sanity intact. According to Carter: “If you can’t use your family as a petri dish for life, what else you gonna do with ’em?”
inbetween
13
Raising Raising Dad Dad
research shows that video gamers make better drivers. Seriously. Your social-media–literate teenager is probably already a better driver than you think he is. Your wound-tight-as-a-spring neighbour can do it. Why not your very bright kid?
#5. Redefine Driving is one close call after another. If you think about it, putting one foot in front of the other—what we call walking— is actually one near fall after another, avoided only by moving one foot from the aft position to the front. You probably don’t yell at your kid every time he takes a step correctly, do you? “Look at that! You almost fell.
14 inbetween
Right on your face! Whooo! That was close!” Unless an accident happens, nothing happens. Furthermore, every non-event while driving is a right decision made. Remind your teenager that almost all of the time, when he’s driving, he’s making the right decisions. Close calls don’t count.
#6. Rethink Just FYI, research shows that video gamers make better drivers. Seriously. Your socialmedia–literate teenager is
probably already a better driver than you think he is.
#7. Pay up Finally if you really can’t imagine sitting in the passenger seat watching your teen drive, don’t do it. That’s what driving schools are for. Those instructors are paid to fret. Plus they have extra brake pedals. If you can’t afford a driving school, ask a friend to take your teenager out. I guarantee they’ll handle it better than you. Plus you won’t have to! ■
inFORM
What you need to know for your today and their tomorrow ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼▲▼▲
THE SKINNY ON
Eggnog may serve up some creamy comfort in a glass, but this Christmas treat can also pour on the fat. One cup of the nog contains a whopping 350 calories and about 60 per cent of your daily recommended intake of fat. The silver bell lining? Eggnog is also packed with calcium and one cup has 10 grams of protein. Still, if you’re trying to watch your waistline this holiday season, sip it sparingly or skip it all together in favour for a less-fattening cider or hot chocolate made with skim milk. Even better? Make the hot chocolate yourself with natural cocoa powder and you’ll get a large dose of antioxidants, which will lower your risk of heart disease and combat stress, just in time for your Christmas shopping! inbetween
15
16 inbetween
UP IN SMOKE
News Briefs
Hookah smoking is on the rise for teens and young adults, despite warnings from health professionals. A study by the University of Michigan shows that one in five high school seniors has smoked shisha (a glass-bottomed water pipe in which fruit-flavoured tobacco is covered with foil and roasted with charcoal). However, it’s a misconception among teens that shisha is better for you than smoking—it’s actually the opposite. According to the National Institutes of Health, one hookah session offers 1.7 times the nicotine, 6.5 times the carbon monoxide and 46.4 times the tar of one cigarette.
NO REASON TO LOL
A new study in Surgical Technology International says the simple act of looking down at your phone while texting puts 60 pounds of pressure on your cervical spine. This can cause back pain and distort the natural curve of the spine, creating unnecessary stress that may require surgery in the future. Instead, stand and sit up straight when texting, and spread the message to your teens. Their backs will thank you later.
FITNESS At YOUR FINGERTIPS
Want to workout like a celeb in the comfort of your home? There’s an app for that.
Go Flaunt It is a new Netflixstyle app that offers a wide selection of workouts from 100+ trainers, including celebrity yoga teacher Charlotte Dodson (clients include Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom, Gerard Butler) and famous Mixed Martial Arts coach Kevin Kearns (strength and conditioning coach for professional MMA fighters, including Alberto Crane, Kenny Florian and Din Thomas). The iOS app ($14.99 CDN/month) is accessible via iPhones and iPads, along with an Android app and desktop player that are being developed and are set to launch in early 2015. Once the app is downloaded, subscribers can enjoy unlimited top-level fitness training – from full-length DVD workouts to chapters varying in length, enabling users to fit fitness into their busy schedules. www.goflauntit.com inbetween
17
when it’s ok to
INVADE Everyone needs their privacy, including our teens. But sometimes red flags can send parents snooping. If you’re in doubt, here’s when it’s OK to check it out. by gary direnfeld
18 inbetween
Teen Privacy
I
nvading one’s privacy is the easy part. The real challenge is knowing when to, or whether you should in the first place. We’ve all had secrets and we’ve all sought privacy in our personal life. Come adolescence, not only is privacy sought, but it may even be biologically determined, and, as such, more intense. The concept of individuation/separation is first visited when a toddler learns that he or she is a physical entity apart from the parent. In adolescence, this concept is revisited as the teenager seeks to see him or herself as a social entity, separate and apart from one’s parents. The teen seeks to explore social relationships that differ from that of the one he has with his parents, which, in turn, can bring them into counter-culture exploration. The more the teen has a felt need to distance or separate from one’s parents, the greater the risks of this counter-culture exploration, distancing from the social norms and expectations of the parent.
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and is considered an expert on matters of family life. www. yoursocialworker.com
Down a dangerous path It bears mentioning that the groans and grunts many parents receive in response to asking their teens a question is well within the range of normal adolescent behaviour. However, at least your teen is available enough to groan and grunt. When your teen’s availability or presence goes beneath that threshold, then you may inbetween
19
Teen Privacy
you are not out to punish your teen; you are out to help them understand the limits of your tolerance. have truly lost sight and touch with their life and activities. Another sign to look for is your teen’s avoidance, even if they are accessible. If your teen bypasses you on their evening return home, you may have to wonder what they may be hiding. To add, if you notice a change in their peer group, particularly from one that was more friendly, approachable and available to one more distant and difficult to define, then there is cause for concern. This cause for concern is also considering that your teen’s lack of availability isn’t due to hitting the books, attending an extra-curricular activity or earning some bucks at a part-time job. Lastly, if you find the telltale signs of drug or alcohol use, then you know your teen may be heading down a road that needs a detour. Those signs include finding drugs, drug paraphernalia or alcohol in your teen’s possession, smelling pot or alcohol on your teen, or believing your teen is intoxicated by observing behaviour.
20 inbetween
Time to snoop Before snooping, parents should first try to talk with their son or daughter about their observations and concerns. The tact is not to blame, but to explore and understand. Remember, only admonishing and consequencing at this point will likely drive your teen away and their behaviour further underground. Here, your relationship matters most, even if you are exasperated and upset. Simple strategies like talking, spending time with your teen doing that they are interested in and addressing any family issues that may be surrounding your teen, may be of service to addressing and changing matters of concern. If that doesn’t work and your concerns mount, and your suspicions have yet to be confirmed, looking into your teen’s online activity and even through their room is acceptable. The tact here is not to catch your teen doing something bad, but to determine if they are engaged in risky behaviour. Your attitude to their invasion of privacy matters —both to your
teen who will be upset if/when he or she finds out and also to your disposition when validating your concerns. Try and remember, despite any hurt feelings, to act from a place of love and concern, not anger and entrapment. Show and tell If you find evidence of concern, then it is appropriate to show the evidence and discuss the concern with your teen. Even at this stage, punishments and consequences typically won’t work in limiting your teen’s behaviour. Rather, expressing your concern and discussing expectations and your boundaries in terms of what is acceptable in your home will make more of an impression. You are not out to punish your teen; you are out to help them understand the limits of your tolerance and what is acceptable in your home. Invading your teen’s privacy isn’t based on your desire, it’s based on the necessity of ensuring your teen stays safe. Even when pulling out your hair, remember, you love them. ■
Teens & Swearing
calling foul You can’t wash their mouths out with soap, so how do you cope with teens who cuss? by erin hesselink
inbetween
21
Teens & Swearing
F
*** you, mom. I don’t give a f*** what you say. Stupid b****.” Those are words no parent ever wants to hear — words that mark the moment when that sweet, dollfaced angel has turned into a swearing teenager. The first time Lisa Heaton’s oldest son swore, he was 14; her middle son started swearing at 15. “At first, it was just thrown in a sentence to see if I’d say anything,” says the Barrie, Ont., mom. “I guess they thought it made them more mature and perhaps at school it may have. The bad boy rap can be kind of impressive to other social groups.” That assessment captures the situation rather well, according to Sara Dimerman, psychologist, author and creator of helpmesara.com. “[Swearing] means that he or she is now a typical teen,” says Dimerman. “Teens don’t view swearing through the same lens that many adults do. The majority of teens include swear words as a natural
22 inbetween
part of their vocabulary.” But that doesn’t mean parents have to put up with it. When Heaton’s boys started swearing in the house, she tried to remain calm. “In both cases,” she says, “I informed them that swearing wasn’t allowed — nice try, but it’s not a go.” With Tracy’s* 13-year-old son, it all started with words like “damn” and “crap,” and was usually around friends or while he was playing Xbox. The swearing escalated and he now gets angry and swears more often, regularly throwing around the word f***. The fact that Tracy is in a wheelchair adds tension: “If he gets mad, he will use my wheelchair against me, saying it’s a favour to put it in the car for me.” She adds that he used to be very loving and willing to help her, but since he hit his teen years, her son will only do things if there is a benefit in it for him. “When he gets angry at me, he has started swearing at me. I will remove myself from the situation by taking a ‘mom time out’ in my room and he will yell through the wall,” says the San Antonio, Texas, mom. “If I yell back, it gets very loud around here.”
Sara Dimerman’s Top tips on fighting foul language: ❑ Don’t fight fire with fire. ❑ Remain calm and reasonable and define clear boundaries.
❑ Share how your child’s language is affecting you
❑ Ask that he refrain from communicating with you using swear words.
❑ Disengage conversation until he will talk to you without swearing. ❑ Make him aware of future consequences. Dimerman agrees. A parent, she says, does have to draw the line at what is appropriate and what is not, but it’s important to keep a cool head. “Instead of having an explosive reaction to the teen’s swearing,” she says, “it would be best for the parent to say something like, ‘I won’t stand here and allow you to talk to me with such disrespect.’” And in some instances, that kind of calm and reasoned reaction might curb the cussing. In Heaton’s case, it was only a
“a parent does have to draw the line at what is appropriate and what is not, but it’s important to keep a cool head.” temporary solution and she had to come up with more creative ways to stop the swearing. At first, she charged them $1 per swear word, which did its job for a while. After that plan stopped working, Heaton went for what she calls “strange and unusual punishment” and had her sons complete tasks like overturning the garden, steam cleaning the van or any other yucky job she could think of. “With that being said, they always had a warning or could choose which yucky job, out of three.” She has also tried grounding them for foul language.
These strategies might work in the short term, but the larger lesson is about showing teens that respecting their parents, as well as others who might be offended by their swearing, is important. Dimerman suggests teaching your teen other ways to express anger, like going for a run or writing their angry feelings in a journal. And tell them, “When you’re ready to have a reasonable discussion with me, you know where to find me.” After all, you, as a parent, are still a powerful influence and by modelling the behaviours you’d
like to see, you send a strong message to your teen — much stronger than those cuss words lobbed at you. ■ *Name changed by request.
CONNECT WITH US
how do you deal with your teen’s cursing? info@inbetween.ca
inbetween
23
ASK THE EXPERT with Kimberly Moffit
Q. My 16-year-old son wants that video game Grand
Theft Auto for Christmas but I have heard there is all kinds of graphic sex and violence in the game. I don’t think I want him playing a game like that but am wondering if I am being over-protective. I mean, it’s a video game. It can’t be as bad as a graphic movie...can it? I have a feeling if I don’t buy it, he’s going to go out and get it himself with money he gets this Christmas. How do I stop him?
Kimberly Moffit is one of Canada’s most experienced relationship experts and provides practical advice about parenting and psychological topics. She’s a regular speaker for Queen’s University’s MBA and Women in Leadership Programs, and a frequent lecturer at the University of Waterloo. Kimberly also makes regular TV appearances on shows including CTV’s Canada AM, CBC’s The National, City TV News and Global TV’s Morning Show, to name a few.
24 inbetween
A. The truth is, graphic and
explicit content can be damaging and sometimes even traumatic for all people—not just minors. Video games typically get the blame because many popular games are violent and because games generally find their way into the hands of children. Even though video games are guilty of containing graphic and violent content, what is equally frightening is the pornography or beheadings that children can access on the Internet with the click of a button. The world is full of things that can harm our children, and it is our
responsibility to ensure their safety to the best of our ability until they can make educated decisions on their own as adults. The answer lies in both your parenting approach and standards for what is acceptable content for your son. If you’re worried about Grand Theft Auto, talk to other parents who have seen the game or research the graphic scenes on the Internet. Your own reaction to the material will generally give you a baseline to what you feel is appropriate for your son to play. It may be important to have a conversation with your son
Ask the Expert
CONNECT WITH US Have a question for kimberly? info@inbetween.ca
to explain exactly WHY you’re concerned about him playing this game. Research shows us that early exposure to pornography can make boys more likely to become sexual offenders. In addition, boys exposed to pornography early on are more likely to adopt
a less progressive attitude to gender roles for their lifetime, which impacts their treatment of women. Sharing these statistics and having an open and honest discussion will help your son understand that you’re there to protect him and that you care about his best interests. ■ inbetween
25
W W W. L O D I N G . C A
O n e p r i c e . I n f i n i t e p o s s i b i l i t i e s . T h a t ’s a l l . Shoes $330 . Shirts $95 . Tie $70 . Cashmere $245 . Belt $80 TORONTO LOCATIONS 1 3 3 AV E N U E R O A D
26 inbetween
.
FIRST CANADIAN PLACE – CONCOURSE LEVEL
Teens & Sleep
The Young & the Restless Think tantrums and outbursts ended at toddlerhood? Just meet a tired teen. Here’s how to get them to head to bed and wake up happier—and even healthier—the next day. by shandley mcmurray
inbetween
27
T
eenagers stay up late. They always have. Back in the day, we’d read or talk to friends on our rotary dial phones. Today, teens can be found texting, surfing the web or tweeting until long after their parents have hit the hay. To make up for their night owl tendencies, they often sleep in the next day — a problem during the school week. As a result of their disordered sleep patterns, 85 per cent of teenagers aren’t getting enough zzzs, and yet, they need their shut-eye just as much as they did when they were toddlers. Sleep boosts their brain power and fuels their body’s immune system. Problem is, their biological wiring keeps them up late while school forces them to wake up early. The result: irritable, tired, overweight kids who are suffering from preventable conditions such as diabetes, depression and anxiety. They’re also at a higher risk of developing common ailments such as cold and flu. What’s a parent to do? You can’t force your teen to fall asleep, but there are ways you can help them sleep better and longer.
28 inbetween
Why do they stay up so late? We have biology to thank for this one. According to Dr. Mary Carskadon, director of the Chronobiology & Sleep Research at EP Bradley Hospital in Rhode Island, our bodies have two systems that work together to keep teens up later. The first, our daily circadian rhythm, gets later during adolescence, making the optimal time for sleep a bit later than it was when kids were younger. The second, called homeostasis sleep pressure, has to do with a sleep build-up that happens during the day and dissipates at night. Dr. Carskadon says this pressure builds more slowly in teens, making the brain ready to sleep at a later time. How much sleep do they need? “Most teens sleep about seven hours a day when they need about nine to 10 hours a day consecutively,” says Dr. Claire LeBlanc, chair of the CPS Active Kids, Healthy Kids Project Advisory Committee. Work backwards from their wake-up time to determine when they should head to bed. If they need to be up at seven, lights should be out around nine. On
the weekends, it’s OK to push bedtime later, as long as they’re still getting the recommended amount by sleeping in. Why do teens need so much sleep? When you’re asleep, your brain cleans out the gunk that builds up during the day, says Dr. Carskadon. “Like the housekeeping at your office building that comes at night, there’s housekeeping that comes in your brain when you sleep and cleans it up.” Sleep is also the time when a teen’s brain processes and consolidates what she has learned during the day. It can help to enhance a kid’s mood, lead to better eating habits and keep him more alert during the day. Sleep deprivation, on the other hand, can make teens even more irritable and cranky than they already are, and research proves that kids who lack sleep are more likely to become sick with colds and flu due to a weakened immune system. Why aren’t teens getting enough sleep? Cellphone, tablet and computer use delays an adolescent’s desire to sleep while keeping
Teens & Sleep
kids who don’t sleep enough are more susceptible to becoming overweight, obese and diabetic. their brains addicted, making it easier to fight off the symptoms of fatigue in order to keep playing/texting/talking. The bright light from these devices can also affect their circadian rhythm, fooling the brain into thinking it’s earlier than it is. Another stimulant: caffeine. Drinking caffeinated drinks (which stay in the system for between five and nine hours) to make up for the exhaustion they feel during the day can make kids feel wired or jittery, making it even more difficult to nod off. What happens when they don’t get enough? According to Dr. Carskadon, lack of sleep can lead to major medical and mental health issues. Kids who don’t sleep enough are more susceptible to becoming overweight, obese and diabetic. Being tired can slow the metabolism and increase a teen’s penchant for snacking. A tired kid is also more likely to eat more than they actually need, say researchers. They can suffer
from increased levels of stress, depression and anxiety when they’re overtired. When we’re asleep, the body and mind restore themselves. If we don’t get enough zzzs, we’re more likely to be irritable and tense. We’ll be too tired to do things like prepare healthy meals (therefore turning to junky stuff that’s bad for our waistlines) and exercise (which is needed to keep waistlines and our mental health in check). Tired kids also have more traffic accidents and have trouble concentrating, remembering, listening and solving problems in school. How can we get them to sleep earlier? Set a bedtime just like you did when they were younger, suggests Dr. Carskadon, who co-authored a study in the journal “Sleep” which proved that kids who had parent-led bedtimes had more sleep, less fatigue and more daytime wakefulness. Also make sure their rooms are dark and quiet.
Ban televisions, cellphones and computers — anything that will give off an unnatural light, emit noise or encourage them to stay up late. “When you’re asleep, you’re getting a dark signal and the brain learns when night time is and it organizes a million functions to happen at the right times with each other,” Dr. Carskadon says. “It’s key to organizing the body’s rhythmic activities. It has a restorative function.” Just as it’s important to have darkness at bedtime, teens need to be exposed to natural light in the morning. Many teens have a tendency to pull covers over their heads or draw the blinds to keep their rooms dark in the morning. This actually has a negative effect on their sleep pattern, making their brains believe it’s still night and therefore impacting their circadian rhythm. Getting bright light in the morning will help move their internal clocks to an earlier time, making it easier to fall asleep at a more reasonable time in the evening. ■ inbetween
29
powerful parenting
5 mindful secrets you need to share with your teen this year. by dale perry
DON’T do drugs.
Don’t be a bully. Don’t text and drive. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t post stupid stuff online. Don’t get bad grades. Sadly, while all of this is relevant and important advice, it seems to be pretty much the only pablum we spoonfeed our teens today. What if we were to give them more empowering advice? What if we were to share some of life’s “big” secrets that we had to learn the hard way? You
30 inbetween
know the ones I’m talking about, right? Those painful lessons learned after a tear-inducing life crisis that led us weak-kneed to the self-help section of the bookstore? Yup, those. The New Year is an optimal time to start fresh with your teen and commit to sharing information and, thus, strengthening your relationship. As the mother of a 14-year-old step-daughter, I have developed my top five “secrets” that I’ve decided to share with her. Dale Perry is a PhD., scientist, and creator of secrethandbook4teens.com
Fresh Start
Secret #1 You are not the little voice in your head You know the little voice I’m referring to, right? The one that talks to you 24/7 and fills your mind with fears and doubts? The one that says, “You’re not good enough. Don’t do that. People might laugh. Those pants make you look fat.” Yup, that little voice. As adults we sort of take this little voice for granted and may or may not listen. Teens, however, often don’t realize someone in their head is narrating their life—and that they’re listening! Explain to your teen that this little voice can be responsible for feelings of self-doubt and anxiety and that they have the power to shut it off.
Secret #2 You can quiet your inner critic Once you introduce your teen to their little voice, it’s only fair to tell them how to quiet it down. Sit with your teen and tell them that you’re both going to take 30 seconds to listen to your little voices. When you’re done, share some of what your little voice said
Secret #3 Do not fear emotions Let’s face it, there are many moments of stress and high drama when you’re a teen. Teens, like many adults, are easily consumed by the drama and are quick to avoid the emotions resulting from said drama (also like adults...ahem). Why not teach your teen not to fear these emotions but to just sit with them and experience them? Tell them it’s OK to feel sad, mad, angry, guilty, hurt and disappointed. Let them get it all out but tell them when they’re done, they’re done. Heck, you could actually time them and let them know when their time is up, if that helps. This is actually a great opportunity to introduce the power of present moment awareness and the fact that the past is over and the future only exists in their minds. It doesn’t hurt to distract them with Starbucks or, in my case, some shoe shopping to help them recover, but you go ahead and use whatever works for your teen.
inbetween
31
Fresh Start
Secret #4 You have the power to create the life of your dreamS I think we do teens a huge disservice when we tell them, “You can live your dream!” but then don’t give them the tools to accomplish this. As an adult you’ve probably heard about the power of positive thinking, but have you shared this with your teen? I recently made vision boards with my teen and the night ended in happy tears as we discussed our goals. I told her to use the vision board to display her goals. Teens inherently get this concept, so use that knowledge and share some real steps they can use to make their dreams come true . Oh and use a lot of inspirational quotes. Teens have a real thing for inspirational quotes.
Secret #2 continued...
(be brave – they’ll know if you’re lying!). Talk about how this little voice can be pretty innocuous saying things like, “It’s cold out. Wow, it’s really cold. I wish I had worn a sweatshirt” to more nefarious things that make them doubt themselves and their self-worth. Once you’ve identified this little voice, don’t be afraid to provide reminders of its role now and then. I often ask my teen “What is your little voice saying?” or “Do you believe that, or is your little voice telling you that?” After introducing awareness, you can start talking about being in the present as another tool to silence the narrator in their heads. Eventually, you could even talk about practicing meditation and what a great tool that is for quieting the mind. These are slow gradual steps that you’ll have to gently introduce them to and lead them through. It’s a journey you can take together.
32 inbetween
Secret #5 Practice gratitude Gratitude. A simple word but a life-altering practice. Scientists have shown that people who practice gratitude are happier, have stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure and feel less lonely. Being thankful is so quick and painless and yet so beneficial; it’s a critical tool to give your teen. Get your teen in the habit of writing down three things they’re thankful for every day (or heck, they can even tweet about it if they want to share and can do it in 140 characters). As a family, you could also spend some time at dinner talking about what you’re thankful for or even ask, “What good thing happened to you today?” Tell them you’re grateful for them and you never know, they may actually tell you the same. ■
inSPIRE living your best life
▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼▲▼▲
We’ve done the legwork and have gathered up great gifts for that teen or college student on your list. by jordana handler photography jeffrey carlson art direction caroline bishop
inbetween
33
3
2
1
4
11
12
1. Coptic journal, $14, indigo.ca. 2. “The Fashion Book� by Alice Mackrell, $15 $4, forever21.com. 6. Heart makeup sponge set, $5, forever21.com. 7. Be Del magnolia-silver.com. 10. Rose print brush set, $11, forever21.com. 11. Schwarzko
Ultimate Gift Guide
5
7 6
8
10
9
5, indigo.ca. 3. Chloe cosmetic bag, $98, shopjessicajensen.com. 4. Rose print compact mirror, $5, forever21.com. 5. Pink nail polish, lectable Strawberries and Cream hand cream, $12, be-delectable.com. 8. HAPPY scarf, $20, oldnavy.ca. 9. Magnolia necklace, $73, kopf colour freeze gift set, $38, Schwarzkopf.com. 12. LOVE gloves, $15, oldnavy.ca.
inbetween
35
1
4
5
2
3
1. Grey sweater, $59.94, oldnavy.ca. 2. Outdoor technology buckshot bluetoo $16, loding.ca. 6. Grey socks, $10, oldnavy.ca. 7. Felt notebook, $11, indigo.ca. 8 $47, dermalogica.ca. 11. Neon athletic sneaker, $40, forever21.com.
Ultimate Gift Guide
8
7 6
10 9
11
oth speakers, $50, indigo.ca. 3. Briston watch clubmaster grey, $255, briston-watches.com. 4. Green laces, $10, loding.ca. 5. Green socks, 8. Green iPhone case, $35, indigo.ca. 9. Dermalogical Skin Purifying Wipes, $27, dermalogica.ca. 10. Dermalogical Clearing Skin Wash,
inbetween
37
2
3 4
1
10
photography by jessica blaine smith
1. Chi Air Expert 1� flat iron with free mini curling ir 5. Gold flats, $22, forever21.com. 6. Gold clutch, $100 necklace, $16, forever21.com. 10. Knit fingerless glov
Ultimate Gift Guide
6 7 5
8
9
ron, $100, target.ca. 2. Eye compact, $8, forever21.com. 3. Medium printed pouch, $15, indigo.ca. 4. Faux fur infinity scarf, $16, indigo.ca. 0, bananarepublic.com. 7. Faux fur earmuffs, $25, indigo.ca. 8. Essence eye compacts, $3, shoppersdrugmart.ca. 9. Heavenly hologram ves, $20, indigo.ca.
inbetween
39
3
1 6
4 5 2
13
1. Black leather cosmetic case, $85, bananarepublic.ca planner, $30, indigo.ca. 6. Electric Guitar Cufflinks, $ Hd 2191 on ear headphones, $99, indigo.ca. 11. Rando
Ultimate Gift Guide
7 8 9
10
11
12
a. 2. Osis + megawatt style set, $59, Schwarzkopf.com. 3. LG G watch, $250, play.google.com. 4. Forever 21 watch, $18, forever21.com. 5. 2015 $50, loding.ca. 7. Woodland animal artisanal mug, $12, indigo.ca. 8. Scarf, $20, oldnavy.ca. 9. MAC airbook, starting at $999, apple.ca. 10. Sennheiser olph Intruder sunglasses in Skull Grey, $165, uncleotis.com. 12. Black leather gloves, $95, bananarepublic.ca. 13. Toronto poster print, $23, etsy.com.
inbetween
41
42 inbetween
Brooke Shields
A mother’s
Love
Despite a life fraught with alcoholism, abandonment and fear, Brooke Shields loved her mother. Here, she shares what she learned from their rocky relationship and why she won’t repeat the same mistakes with her daughters. by lisa thornbury
Image Courtesy of Brooke shields.
L
ike mother, like daughter? Not for Brooke Shields. The infamously young model in Calvin Klein jeans ads, actress and spokesperson is now a 49-year-old wife, mother and most recently author of There Was A Little Girl: The Real Story of My Mother and Me, Shields’ memoir of her complicated relationship with her mother, Teri. And, as Shields reveals, her childhood years couldn’t be more different than those of her own two daughters, Rowan, 11, and Grier, 8. Foundation in love Though her connection with her mom was sometimes rocky, Shields says they had a strong foundation in love and loyalty. Teri’s struggle with alcoholism escalated over the years, but her faith in her daughter’s talent never waned. With her mother’s guidance, Shields landed roles
in films such as Pretty Baby, Blue Lagoon and Endless Love. By the ‘80s, Shields had become a household name, landing the cover of Time magazine who touted her as “The ‘80s Look.” Her parents divorced early on, and Shields grew up in New York City with her mother, travelling the world, working steadily throughout her childhood and teens. As her mother’s struggle with alcohol became more apparent, Shields recalls feeling abandoned, and her book documents the fear and anger associated with being the child of an alcoholic. Shields explains that her relationship with her mother involved an unhealthy dose of codependence. “Teri Terrific” as she calls her, could be her biggest cheerleader one minute and then emotionally and physically unavailable the next. “There was a good deal of fear from both sides,” inbetween
43
Shields writes in her book. “She feared I would leave her. I always feared something would happen to my mother or that I was not good enough for her. I never doubted her love for me but I was perpetually worried about her well-being and self-esteem—the things mothers usually worry about for their children.” Due to the tempestuous nature of their relationship, Shields was never able to fully articulate these feelings to her mother. After succumbing to an illness related to dementia, Teri Shields passed away in 2012 leaving Brooke with unresolved feelings, regrets and an overwhelming sense of sadness. More empathy than anger At the end of the book, Shields shares the letter she wrote to her mother after her death. “Writing the letter was not cathartic for me,” Shields says. “I don’t think I can hope for a true sense of closure or catharsis because it’s sad. I have more empathy than I do anger, and that’s just harder to live with.” Still, Shields says she feels little regret that her mother never read the letter. “If I could have had it any other way, I would’ve composed that letter years ago,” she says. “But, then it would’ve been hard not to expect some
44 inbetween
Top: Brooke with her mother, Teri Right: Brooke with her daughters, Rowan & Grier
type of resolution. And it’s very possible that resolution was not going to come anyway — that’s the hardest piece of it all.” Path of success Despite a difficult childhood and early fame, Shields did not take the destructive path followed by many child stars. Instead, she chose another path — one leading to a Princeton degree, an enduring career, a successful second marriage and two strong, determined daughters. About coming to terms with her daughters’ independence, Shields admits, “I had to work on not being threatened by their autonomy because I grew up thinking that real love had to be based on co-dependence.” In Shields’ mind, “Independence equalled abandonment.”
How has she learned to let her girls make their own choices? Shields says it takes practice. “Our kids don’t have that many years under our roof. If we render them inept, weak, fearful or reliant, we’re doing them a disservice. There’s no way to succeed if we don’t understand the concept of failure.” Teen pressures Given her daughters’ ages, Shields recognizes that her girls will soon be going to parties and facing pressure from their peers. But what rules will she have for them about drinking? “We talk about drinking and everything all the time,” Shields says. “I think kids are teenagers before they become teens, especially in this day and age. So I make them talk about these topics with me now. They need to know
Brooke Shields
Book cover image provided by Dutton, a member of Penguin Random House and candid shots Courtesy of Brooke shields.
“I have more empathy than I do anger, and that’s just harder to live with.” that when they feel confused or terrified in a situation, that they have a home base to come back to.” For Shields, this means tapping into what she learned from her past mistakes—and relationships —to help her daughters deal with difficult situations. Having lived through a series of unsuccessful relationships before marrying Chris Henchy in 2001 (her boozy relationship with Liam Neeson and tumultuous marriage to Andre Agassi smacked of the same codependence she experienced with her mother), Shields now imparts the tough lessons she learned onto her daughters. For instance, when Shields’ eldest daughter confided in her about a group of boys verbally harassing her and her girlfriends on a school trip, she turned the conversation into a life lesson. While her daughter tried to play down the incident, Shields told her, “You have to understand that being spoken to like this is never OK.” Although Shields knows that “being cool” is something kids really respond to, she is trying to
impress upon her girls that it’s not cool to drink underage, to blindly follow others or to be treated with anything other than respect. “What’s cool,” she tells them, “is having the strength to forge your own path.” Her parenting community And where does Shields find her strength? In her family, of course, but also in her community of trusted friends. “It’s OK if we lose it with our kids some days because it’s real. What matters is what you do after that,” she says. “But knowing you have a community and venting to a friend reminds us we’re not alone — we’re all in this together.” And although some parents turn to ‘wine o’clock’ to get them through the stress of parenting, not one to follow in her mother’s footsteps, Shields cautions that using alcohol as an escape can be dangerous, adding: “I think it’s important that we’re not too hard on ourselves. If you enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day, it’s OK. But, I think you have to be honest to what extent you use it as
a crutch. Like everything else, it’s about balance.” As for Shields, she’s also seeking balance. Although she admits she won’t be writing another book for a while, “It takes a lot out of you,” she says, Shields is focusing on her new TV show, which is currently in the early stages of development, spending as much time as possible with her family and, of course, continuing to forage her own unique path. ■
Shields’ Book, There Was a Little Girl: The Real Story of My Mother and Me
inbetween
45
SPLIT season Surviving the holidays after divorce. by rachel naud
46 inbetween
n
Holidays post-divorce
P
auline Bogle may be getting a lot of alone time this Christmas. Yes, the 47-year-old Toronto mom will still have the company of her parents and siblings, but there will be two very important people missing from her holiday table—her sons, Declan, 10, and Connor, 14. Bogle has been divorced for four years. Typically, she would have both or at least one of her kids with her over the holidays. This year, however, both sons have decided to go with Dad — even though it’s technically her year to have them. “It’s going to be sad,” says Bogle. “You want to wake up and see the expression on their faces and see the gifts everyone purchased for them. But kids’ needs and requirements change as they grow older. There’s always an ongoing negotiation in terms of who wants to go where, but this is not a time when you want to fight. I don’t want them to have anxiety about this. It’s tough on them. They don’t want to choose.”
inbetween
47
Holidays post-divorce
treat yourself to an art exhibit at an art gallery. take time to read a book or go to a movie. That’s the right attitude, says Deborah Moskovitch, divorce coach and author of The Smart Divorce. When it comes to splitting up family time over the holidays, Moskovitch says, parents need to keep the pressure off their teens. “Don’t say, ‘Who do you want to spend Christmas with?’” she says. “That is too much pressure and puts them in a really uncomfortable position.” With divorce so common in Canada, many parents will find themselves in similar positions over the holidays. But that doesn’t have to mean disaster. With a little thought, sensitivity and a positive attitude, Moskovitch says you can still have a holiday season you will all enjoy. Get their input Despite what your teen might say, holiday plans are likely very important to him. So start the plans early, Moskovitch advises, making sure that your teen’s wishes can be taken into account and there are no bad surprises. “They’re going to want to know what’s happening over the holidays and you should have it
48 inbetween
answered,” she says. “If you don’t have the answer, tell your teen that you will talk it over with your co-parent and get back to them. Keep in mind, the message should always be, ‘We love you. This has nothing to do to. We both want to be with you.’” Trading traditions While Bogle says her holiday traditions pre-divorce usually included mass at midnight, staying in pajamas all day and visiting both sides of the family, this holiday season she might be heading to Kingston, Ont., alone. “I will spend time with my parents, siblings and their kids,” says Bogle. “I’m going to try skiing this year. It’ll make me feel better and give me something new to talk about with my boys.” That’s a good idea, says Moskovitch. The holidays are a great time to experience new adventures and trying different traditions post-divorce — especially if these are things you couldn’t do when you were married. “Maybe now you can decorate your tree a certain way because your partner never liked
to before. Whatever it is, get your kids involved and ask them what they want to do to make the holiday special. You want them to think of the holidays positively.” Indulge yourself If you find yourself sans kids this Christmas, try not to feel sorry for yourself. Instead, Moskovitch advises to take the time to focus on you. “Do something positive,” she says. “Treat yourself to an art exhibit at an art gallery. Take time to read a book or go to a movie. If you do positive things for yourself — whether it’s a massage, shopping, sleeping in — it’s good. It’s not going to be easy at first but it will get easier. It’ll eventually be your new normal.” ■
CONNECT WITH US How do you manage to split the holidays?
info@inbetween.ca
▲
inDULGE
Fostering your health, body and relationship
▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼ ▲▼▲▼ ▲▼▲▼▲
a stay at Harbor Beach Resort in florida! Enter at
INBETWEEN.CA/ contests
FORT Lauderdale Once synonymous with spring break, this South Florida city has something for everyone. by jacqueline kovacs
W
hen you think of Fort Lauderdale, do you automatically conjure up images of wild teens and college kids, partying like mad demons during spring break? So did I. But a recent trip to the South Florida city gave me a whole new perspective. Sure, this beach-side city just 36 km north of
Miami is a magnet for youth, but its year-round temperatures hovering near 25C, coupled with 3,000 hours of sunshine annually, make this city an ideal all-ages escape. Plus, the city has tons of non-beach activities — a wide range of restaurants, shops, galleries and more, you really can find something for everyone to enjoy. inbetween
49
Fort Lauderdale
But let’s start with the beach — more specifically, the 16-acre private part of the beach that belongs to the Marriott Harbor Beach Resort & Spa. That’s the first place I head after flying in from chilly Toronto. At last, warm sand between my toes and a refreshing wade into the ocean waves. I could get used to this. I could also get used to heavenly massages from the hotel’s spa. My 50-minute Swedish massage left me feeling like a million bucks — a sensation I extended by trying out the spa’s steam room and private
The resort offers stunning views
pool. It’s perfect for a little grown-up downtime. For family time, though, the property also boasts a tropical lagoon outdoor pool with a waterfall and a nearby whirlpool. It’s the perfect spot for splashing around
and enjoying a poolside snack with the kids. Said kids can also get a break from the sun and indulge in their favourite video games, movies or even crafts at the nearby kids’ club. Meanwhile, mom and dad can sip cocktails on their lounges.
STAYING ACTIVE This resort and this city aren’t just for lounging. Fellow gym rats, for instance, will appreciate the resort’s fully equipped gym. It’s hard to beat gazing at the ocean as you clock time on the treadmill. Even better? The whole family can enjoy water sports — kayaking, paddle boarding, water trampolines, snorkeling, wave runners and more — through Aloha Sports, the resort’s on-site beach recreation spot. I decide to give paddle boarding a try and it’s fun! Sure, I can’t quite stand up, but it’s a great way to enjoy the ocean breeze and with the stunning view while getting a little exercise.
50 inbetween
Paddle boarding is a fun way to stay in shape
photos Courtesy of Fork & balls, Aime o’keefe, and The Greater fort lauderdale convention & Visitors bureau.
Beautiful beach
Fort Lauderdale sparkles at night
Fork & Balls is a fun and tasty resto
Enjoying the city
City of Tastes
There’s also plenty to do off-property — some of it surprising. I didn’t know, for instance, that Fort Lauderdale is called the Venice of North America, due to its 480 km of navigable waterways. So a sunset trip with Gondolas West proves to be both enlightening and awe-inspiring. My teens would love this watery tour of what’s known as “Millionaire’s Row” where gorgeous mansions compete for attention with massive yachts. It’s a lovely, peaceful way to end the day and get a different perspective of the city. Speaking of perspective, I gained a new respect for artists, thanks to Painting with a Twist. As the name suggests, this shop brings together people of all ages and walks of life for a painting lesson — and for the grown-ups, you can bring along some liquid encouragement. It’s a cool way to indulge your kid’s inner artist. As for me? Although all the Chardonnay in the world cannot make me a good painter, I did have a good and oddly therapeutic time.
All that sunshine and activity fuels the appetite and Fort Lauderdale has something for everyone’s tastes. Once you get past the name, Fork & Balls on trendy Las Olas Boulevard offers delicious, spherical meals in a relaxed, rustic family-friendly setting. You can choose from chef-prepared meatball combos, or design your own. If you’re in the mood for taking in a variety of flavours in a lively, outdoor setting, consider Sweet Nectar Charcoal Grill & Spirits, also on Las Olas. Opt for their variety of shared plates — roasted Brussels sprouts, sea scallops, lobster mac and cheese, to name just a few. It’s a delicious way to sample a range of local cuisine and perfect for smaller appetites. If you like your meal with a view, the three restaurants at Marriott Harbor Beach — Riva, Sea Level and 3030 Ocean — all offer ocean-view noshing along with beautifully prepared food. It’s a combination that’s hard to beat, just like the mix of sun, sand, food and fun that make up Fort Lauderdale. ■
FORT LAUDERDALE FAST FACTS WHERE TO Stay Fort Lauderdale Marriott Harbor Beach Resort & Spa www.marriottharborbeach.com WHERE TO Eat Sea Level (Marriott Harbor Beach) www.sealevelharborbeach.com 3030 Ocean (Marriott Harbor Beach) www.3030ocean.com Fork & Balls www.forkandballs.com Sweet Nectar www.sweetnectarbuzz.com WHERE TO Play Gondolas West www.gondolaswest.com Painting with a Twist www.paintingwithatwist.com/fortlauderdale/ Aloha Watersports (Marriott Harbor Beach) www.alohawatersports.com
inbetween
51
Best Face Forward
A more youthful complexion doesn’t have to mean surgery, needles or downtime. Read on for non-invasive ways to get glowing skin this season. by lara hyde
52 inbetween
Glowing Skin
T
he holiday season is here and, for many of us, December kicks off a month of seemingly endless staff parties, family photo shoots and get-togethers. With all that socializing comes the desire to look our best, and often, our confidence starts with our skin. Those of us who have reached a certain age have no doubt noticed the effects of time on our faces — the environment, bad habits such as smoking, genetics, overall health, fine lines and volume loss. Plus, aging is associated with thinner, duller, drier and sallow-looking skin. The good news? There are skinresurfacing procedures that are non-invasive and may be great options for those who want to put their best face forward this holiday season. “Skin resurfacing improves the surface of the skin by using lasers, chemical peels or microdermabrasion to remove the upper most layers of the skin,” says Dr. Benjamin Barankin, a Toronto dermatologist and medical director of Toronto Dermatology Centre. Here, he gives us four non-invasive treatments that promise to fix fine lines and uneven skin tone while giving complextions a more youthful glow. ■
Your guide to
glowing skin Microdermabrasion uses tiny crystal-like particles to gently remove the surface layer of the skin. Many different products and treatments use this method, including medical procedures, salon treatments and creams and scrubs that you apply yourself at home. The idea is that the body rushes to replace damaged and lost skin cells with new and healthy ones, making skin look and feel smoother. The only real side effects are slightly pink skin and mild swelling. Depending on the individual, these side effects can last anywhere from an hour to two days. Chemical peels use glycolic acid to remove the surface layer of the skin. Glycolic acid is derived from sugar cane and breaks down the outer layer of skin so it peels off, leaving new, fresher skin. The downtime is longer than with microdermabrasion as it takes a few days to a week to complete the process and may require you staying indoors while your skin is peeling off. However, it does deliver more noticeable results in the end. Dermarolling is a technique that uses a micro-needling device to stimulate collagen production by poking tiny, evenly spaced needles into the dermis, or lower layer of the skin. Along with improving the tone of the skin and reducing wrinkles and scarring, it allows facial products to penetrate more deeply. Discomfort is modest and immediate, and there is basically no downtime. This treatment is suitable for anyone with acne scarring or those looking to freshen up their face or reduce fine lines. Improvement can be seen with one or two treatments, although a series of three to six is often the most beneficial. A dermaroller treatment is typically about twice the cost of a peel or microdermabrasion. Laser resurfacing is typically used for full-face resurfacing. Candidates include those with significant acne scarring, uneven skin tone, or a profusion of wrinkles all over. Of the three procedures, this is the most painful, carries the most downtime and is the most expensive, but it also offers the best results. Numbing creams and pain medication can reduce the temporary discomfort significantly, and typical downtime is three to five days. ■ inbetween
53
New Year Nutrition Want a healthier 2015? Add these 4 superfoods to your grocery list come January. by andrea donsky
As the New Year approaches, many Canadians will resolve to eat better come 2015. Whether your goal is to try something new, lose weight, reduce your risk for certain diseases or all the above, don’t miss out on these superfoods that will have you—and your family—eating well and feeling great all year long.
Tiger NUTS Although its name may lead you to think this is a type of nut, it’s not! Tiger nuts, or chufa, are actually small tubers that grow in the ground. Discovered about 4,000 years ago, tiger nuts come from North Africa and are part of the daily diet for people in North Africa and Spain. High in fibre, protein and natural sugars and have a high content of oleic acid, certain minerals (phosphorous, potassium, calcium, magnesium and iron) and vitamins (B1, E, and C), tiger nuts can reduce the risk of colon cancer, and can help to control blood pressure.
AVOCADOS Some people get turned off by avocados because they are high in fat but they really shouldn’t. Why? Avocados are high in fibre (about seven grams per 3.5 oz serving), contain one gram of protein per one-ounce serving, and are high in monounsaturated fat, which has anti-inflammatory properties and can help lower cholesterol. Enjoy avocados as guacamole, or add them to your salads and sandwiches.
54 inbetween
Super Foods
DARk 70% Organic Chocolate High in antioxidants, chocolate contains other health benefits including anti-inflammatory and mood-enhancing properties. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which is a natural antidepressant that can help improve one’s mood quickly, and tryptophan an important factor in the production of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which diminishes anxiety and helps you relax.
CHIA & FLAXSEEDS Chia seeds date back to the Mayans and Aztecs. Approximately two tablespoons contain 11 grams of fibre, four grams of protein, healthy omega-3s, and vitamins and minerals. Add them to yogurt, smoothies and cereal to enjoy its benefits. According to WebMD, flaxseeds have been shown to reduce the risk of breast cancer and heart disease. Add ground flaxseeds to your morning shake, throw a couple of tablespoons into your baking recipe, or eat it straight from the spoon (they have a nutty taste).
Andrea Donsky is an author, registered holistic nutritionist (R.H.N.), international speaker, and co- founder of The Healthy Shopper Coupon Book and NaturallySavvy.com.
inbetween
55
NEW TRAVEL SERIES!
Conscious CouplinG: in this issue:
Toronto
W
ith school, practices and activities in full swing, chances of working out alone time to share with your significant other can seem like trying to land a space probe on a comet – a million to one. But planning these important relationship-sustaining opportunities is vital to the health of any long-term relationship. Now is the time to organize an exciting adventure to boldly go where no parenting responsibilities need to go—Toronto.
by graham farkas
56 inbetween
Couples’ Getaway
Toronto can be busy every day of the year,
but luckily the months of January and February offer less hectic opportunities to explore Canada’s largest city. The typical rush associated with the holiday season is over, and deals on accommodations, dining, and even shopping abound. Want some help navigating Hogtown? Here is how to make the most of your time together.
Photos Courtesy of Graham farkas. Streetcar photo by Jeffery Carlson.
Treat yourself to a suite at the Windsor Arms Hotel
STAY Toronto has so many great walkable areas so there is no reason to deal with the hassle or stress of renting a car. Yorkville, located in Toronto’s midtown, offers a tony and walkable option. Accommodation options abound in the area, but the boutique Windsor Arms Hotel stands out. A member of Small Luxury Hotels of the World, and set in a restored century-old building, this intimate property is located on quiet St. Thomas Street where neighbours include the UGG, Rimowa, and Cole-Haan boutiques. A champion of the Small Luxury
Relax in the salt water pool at the Windsor Arms Hotel
Hotels mantra of unbeatable luxury, once-in-a-lifetime experiences and impeccable service, the Windsor Arms features an intimate respite from the busy ‘Mink Mile’ shopping area on Bloor Street which is a short walk away. Featuring 28 spacious suites with 24-hour
butler service and a pampering spa with a pool, this star-worthy property offers conscious couplers a luxuriously memorable stay without fail. 18 St. Thomas St., 877.542.6890, www.slh.com/hotels/ the-windsor-arms-hotel/ or www. windsorarmshotel.com inbetween
57
Toronto’s Distillery District
Dine The Yorkville area is also home to some of Toronto’s best restaurants. From the “Living Room” dining lounge in the Windsor Arms, to the area’s many other choices, you will not have to go far to get it right. But as we say, easy choices are always available for those in the know, and we know that one of the best options for a romantic dinner for two is Vaticano on Yorkville’s famous Bellair Ave. A short walk through the heart of Yorkville Park, a scenic urban oasis, Vaticano is helmed by one of Toronto’s most engaging culinary personalities, Felice Vacca. The Italian-born chef welcomes his guests as if they are family, and treats them to an authentic family-influenced meal that represents the best of
58 inbetween
Vaticano serves up fine dining
his Roman heritage. His culinary style is influenced heavily by his childhood growing up on his grandparents’ farm. Simple, fresh, and flavourful ingredients are selected daily leading to an authentic Italian experience in the heart of Toronto. The
Gnocchi Quattro Formaggi is particularly luxurious and decadent when paired with a nice bottle of Amarone selected from the extensive and well thought-out wine list. 5 Bellair St., 416-924-4967, www. vaticano.ca
Couples’ Getaway
Yorkville is home to unique boutiques
photos Courtesy of Graham Farkas, Www.torontowide.com, and Clifton li.
Explore A romantic weekend in Yorkville represents a great mix of activities for conscious couplers to partake in. In case of cold temperatures, the area affords a wealth of galleries, museums, and first-rate shopping options to provide sanctuary. Intimate settings, within a short walk from your hotel, provide the opportunity for hand-in-hand excursions without having to stray far from the fireplace in your hotel suite, and a warm hot chocolate in the coziness of the Living Room at the Windsor Arms. Located only a five-minute walk from the hotel, Toronto’s Gardiner Museum will exhibit the fascinating “Women, Art and Social Change: The Newcomb Pottery Enterprise” from Feb. 5 to May 17, 2015. Newcomb Pottery is considered one of the most significant collections of American art pottery of the
20th century, with each piece critically acclaimed and highly coveted. The exhibition will feature more than 125 objects – the iconic pottery as well as lesser known textiles, metalwork, jewelry, bookbinding and historical artifacts. (Gardiner Museum, 111 Queen’s Park, www. gardinermuseum.on.ca/) If the inspiration and genius of modern hand-wrought pottery doesn’t hold your interest, then maybe a dose of shopping in some of the most exclusive retailers in the world will sate your desires. Yorkville’s “The Mink Mile” is home to some of the most luxurious retailers on the planet including Cartier, Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Montblanc. Venerable Canadian luxury retailers like Holt Renfrew, and Montreal’s M0851 leather fashion house are also within easy walking distance. If bargain hunting is more your thing, you are in luck since a dual
Winners/Homesense location is just across the street from the hotel. But we should not forget the men! A brand new Holt Renfrew for Men has opened in the area, to join the iconic Harry Rosen, as well as the venerable Paris-based Loding that caters to stylish men from one of its two Toronto boutiques on Avenue Rd. in north Yorkville. If lingering lazily around the hotel is more your speed, then the Spa at the Windsor Arms will provide just the right amount of pampering and can include a relaxing swim in the chlorinefree salt-water swimming pool. If you need to indulge your inner shopper while lounging in your plush bathrobe, you can check out the Treasure Chest boutique located in the hotel lobby. Featuring a selectively curated collection of vintage clothing and accessories, it is a great place to indulge one’s sense of dress-up and style at the same time. ■ inbetween
59
Final Thrill
Your Holiday Wish! photography by jeffrey carlson
This Christmas, Gwen Stefani teamed up with O.P.I to create this magical minis gift set. Try any or all of these rockin’ standout shades of red and jewel tones: Dazzle em’ with Red Fingers & Mistletoes, What’s Your Pointsettia, I Carol About You and Kiss Me – or Elf! $17.50, opi.com
60 inbetween
Want to get IN FRONT of INBETWEEN?
Going to Montréal offers the ideal opportunity to treat yourself to VIA Rail’s business class – especially if you’re coming from Toronto or Ottawa. Let the rest of the commuters deal with traffic while you sit back and enjoy free food, drinks and Wi-Fi all in a spacious car that lets you stretch your legs or snooze away the miles. And unlike taking to the skies, passengers are given free baggage options and convenient downtown arrivals and departures. Even the most anxious of travellers can relax in its Panorama Business Class lounge that allows you to sip coffee and read while the professionals at VIA do the rest.
Advertise with us and get your company front of mind with one of Canada’s most powerful demographics — parents of teens and young adults!
Dine
Contact info@inbetween.ca for more info.
Dining in Montreal is one of the highlights of any visit. With so many choices, so many cultures, and such an abundance of flavours, decision-making can be daunting. In Vieux-Montreal, a short romantic walk via cobblestone streets from Epik Montreal will take you to the Buenos Aires-influenced l’Atelier d’Argentine. As if torn out of the heart of Buenos Aires, this hybrid resto/steakhouse is a testament to Argentina’s contemporary approach to its cuisine while being genuine and unpretentious. Led by
for parents caught in the middle of raising a teen & young adult
61 inbetween 61 inbetween
YOUR TODAY. their TOMORROW.
THANK YOU FOR READING! Go to inbetween.ca to subscribe for free and receive our next issue, special insider news and ways to win great prizes!
62 inbetween
for parents caught in the middle of raising a teen & young adult