Winter 2014

Volume 10 Winter 2014 Volume 10 Winter 2014

Mark Lundholm

A Comedian for Recovery

Mark Lundholm

US Vets Issue

A Comedian for Recovery

US Vets Issue

A Christmas ACarol Christmas Redux

US $5.99

Carol Redux

A Dog’s Tale

A Dog’s Tale

VISI--N.

Most programs focus on substance abuse and treat mental illness as a secondary issue. We help properly address mental illness through appropriate medication and therapy.

w w w . v i e w p o i n t d u a l r e c o v e r y . c o m

In contrast to other programs where the overwhelming majority of clients do not have mental illness, we offer a program dedicated to dual diagnosis. This allows us to provide a more focused, supportive, and effective environment for treatment.

Most programs focus on substance abuse and treat mental illness as a secondary issue. We believe that without properly addressing mental illness through appropriate medication and therapy, any attempts to recover from addiction are ineffective.

We believe this is often why dual diagnosis individuals are unsuccessful in recovery and find themselves attending multiple treatment cen centers. With Viewpoint Dual Recovery, you or your loved one aren’t treated as the exception, but are surrounded by people who understand or share your challenges. Our treatment team consists of caring professionals who possess a combination of clinical and firsthand experience which guarantees an understanding, healing, educational and practical recovery plan.

Our unique focus and team of experts allow us to work in conjunction with other treatment centers to support the needs of those clients who have struggled to find help at non-dual diagnosis focused programs.

CALL NOW! 877.777.5150 Office: 240 S. Montezuma Street, Suite 201, Prescott, Arizona 86303 Phone: 928.778.5907 Fax: 928.778.5908 Email: info@viewpointdualrecovery.com More about us: http://www.viewpointdualrecovery.com/InRecovery/

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WINNERS Of The SKY Toxicology Addiction Treatment Scholarship Awards!

Our “PASS THE TORCH” Winners So Far...

West Coast Symposium Of Addiction Disorders, Palm Desert, CA 1. Desert Palms Recovery, Cathedral City, CA 2. Miramar Health, Inc., Laguna, CA 3. Healthy Partnerships, Fairfield, CA 4. Prototypes, Los Angeles, CA 5. Eureka Counseling Service, Rockland, ME C4 Recovery Solution (C.O.R.E.), Amelia Island, FL 6. Insight to Recovery, Boynton Beach, FL 7. Transitions Recovery, North Miami Beach, FL 8. House of Acts, Vallejo, CA 9. Reflections Treatment, Margate, FL 10. Harmony Foundation Inc., Estes Park, CO Drawing from The Lifestyle Intervention Conference, Las Vegas, Nevada. From L to R: From Sky Toxicology, Jamie Burchell, Jennifer Villoria, Matt Green, Bradley West, Anthony Gasset of Schick Schadel Treatment Center in Florida, and Brooke Gordon, also from Sky Toxicology.

Two Minutes Could Change One Of Your Patient’s Lives FOREVER! Announcing the success of our “Pass The Torch” Addiction Treatment Scholarship Awards. All addiction treatment facilities are eligible for a chance to win a $10,000 treatment scholarship for one of their patients in need. Over $500,000 in total to be awarded and you only need to enter once to be eligible for future drawings. It’s free, there’s no obligation minutes you could change the life of one of your patients forever.

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Moments of Change Conference, Palm Beach, FL 11. Casa de Amigas, Phoenix, AZ 12. Futures of Palm Beach, Palm Beach, FL 13. Beachway Therapy Center, Delray Beach, FL 14. Reality Counseling Services, Lumberton, NC 15. Piedmont Rescue Mission, Burlington, NC 16. Hillcrest Hall Pathways Inc., Mt. Sterling, KY Lifestyle Intervention Conference, Las Vegas, NV 17. Benchmark Recovery, Manor, TX 18. Women in New Recovery, Mesa, AZ 19. The Control Center, Beverly Hills, CA 20. Dees House, Fountain Valley, CA 21. Mountainside Treatment Center, Canaan, CT 22. Balboa Horizons, Newport Beach, CA 23. A New Path, Carbondale, CO 24. MARR, Inc., Doraville, GA 25. ILWU-PMA Alcoholism Drug Recovery Program, San Francisco, CA 26. Schick Schadel, Cooper City, FL

See website for drawing, entry information and rules: SkyToxicology.com/FreeScholarship or contact us at scholarship@skytoxicology.com or call 888-619-3299. © 2014 SKY Toxicology. All rights reserved. The SKY Toxicology logo and SKY Toxicology are trademarks of SKY Toxicology, San Antonio, Texas.

Table of Contents Cover Story

Columns 29 | Meditation: Life’s Punctuation by Michael Lyding Don’t put a period where God put a comma.

Features

12 | ‘Tis the Season by Amy Baumgardner Staying sober is hard enough without a surfeit of Christmas celebrations, family gatherings and holiday happy hours, right? This entire season can be a set up for failure.

CEO/Publisher

Kim Welsh

The holidays can be a happy time with loved ones and friends. No matter how rough things are or how many struggles you have in your daily life, Christmas can be a time of love, forgiveness, joy and family.

Editor in Chief

Janet A. Hopkins

66 | BodyTalk: The Treatment 20 by Victoria Abel

Senior Copy/Proof Editor Copyeditors

14 | Navy Seals by Eliza Jane B. Okay, I’ll turn myself over physically and spiritually to a Higher Power, but only if my Higher Power can be a Navy Seal negotiator.

Subscriptions

16 | A Dog’s Tale by C Johnson, Anne H. and Kim W. A true story of recovery and relapse. A veteran and his dog, Smiley, forever change the lives of three people.

10 | Sober Living the Mark Lundholm Way

compiled by Robert Hunt

As Mark shares the way to sanity in recovery, it’s clear there will be many more laughs ahead of him. He truly is a revolutionary entertainer.

Veterans in Recovery

It was a cold December evening in Connecticut with snow in the forecast. This was the night the word “drunk” became part of my permanent vocabulary. I was almost six years old.

24 | Better Boxes by Connally Perry They can either stay on the streets, or they can take the key that I give them and open the door to a new apartment and a new life.

30 | The Light Bulb Came On by Jon G. US Navy (1982-2003). The light bulb finally came on. I asked myself, “What will I look back on when I am old and gray? What will I be proud of? What will be my legacy? I didn’t like my answers.”

32 | Another Kind of War by Calista Heath-Martinez

Advertising Sales Outreach & Marketing

22 | Uncle Johnny’s Christmas Party by H. Thomas Gillis

Layout/Design Graphic Artist/Ad Design

26 | A Christmas Carol Redux by Jana Greene I have all the appreciation in the world for addiction recovery. In my twelfth year of active recovery and in celebration of the Twelve Steps, I composed a Christmas carol redux.

USAF. I went into the Air Force as a confused teenager looking for a place in this world, a place to fit in, to feel good about myself and the things I had accomplished. I came out quite the opposite.

USAF (1967-1988). I now understand that giving in to my addiction means death to me and pain for the people I love. My recovery is a lifelong journey, and I want it.

42 | Grant Me the Serenity by Rich W.

Articles

44 | We do not Choose by Sara Berelsman

52 | Rez Riders by Arnie Kahn

We do not choose mental illness, and we do not choose addiction.

Creation has given us the duty to watch over our Earth Mother and to keep alive the very essence of who we are as indigenous two-leggeds. We carry this message as we ride.

46 | The Road to Trauma Recovery by Robert James Coons Using mindfulness and compassion to heal from post-traumatic stress.

54 | Addicted and Homeless by Kelly Langtree

48 | The Mustard Seed by Pam G.

I never anticipated writing about homelessness and addiction from firsthand experience. Just like everyone else, I had plans and dreams for my life.

As I look back and see the mountains that God has already removed from my life and look forward to those in front me, all I can say is, “Get ready, mountains; here I come!”

50 | Time to Heal by Pam Hemphill My goal was to remember the two most important things for successful recovery: follow my sponsor’s direction and work with others.

56 | My Promises by Kyli Weaver With recovery, I clearly see my path. Sometimes there are huge obstacles to overcome. But if I don’t drink just for today, I can achieve anything.

In Recovery Magazine

No amount of money or things – whether bought or stolen – can truly bring peace. Give, but don’t overdo it and give yourself the gift of asking for help.

Jaye Lene Long

72 | CrossTalk by Mollé

This writing represents decades of recovery and its application to life and how to get over it, into it or through it with spunk, levity and a good dose of reality. What? You want more than happy, joyous and free? Get over it. Just sayin’.

Kim Welsh Patricia Mastrobuoni

74 | Dr. Deb: Getting Intimate with PTSD by Dr. Deb Laino

Kay Luckett

I recently had the privilege of interviewing Iraqi War veteran and friend-in-recovery, Rob Ziarnick. He spoke candidly about his experience with PTSD.

Stephanie Mole

78 | Kay’s Kitchen: Christopher Blake by Kay Luckett

Veteran Christopher Stanislas Blake is remembered not just for his many literary and culinary contributions, but mostly for his youthful spirit, his delightful sense of humor and his gifts to the recovery community.

Lena H. Michael Lyding

80 | Recovery Tech: Holiday Technology by Ashley Loeb

“How do I practice vital recovery self-care during the holidays?”

Deb Laino

82 | Travelin’ Sober Man: The Big App L by Bob Kocher

Bill W.

A selection of terrific apps that can simplify your travel. Many of the apps are free, helpful, easy and fun to use.

Bob Kocher

82 | Recovering Artists: by Bill R.

Working with beads is a truly spiritual and magical experience.

Victoria Able

Recovery Tech

Ashley Loeb

Cluttered Lives

Terrence Shulman

In Recovery Magazine reserves the right to editorial control of all articles, stories and Letters to the Editor. In Recovery Magazine assumes no responsibility for errors within its publication. The opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent the policies of In Recovery Magazine and should not be construed as endorsements. Furthermore, In Recovery Magazine will not be responsible for any claims, losses or damages (whether direct or indirect) arising out of or relating to the use of or reliance on the contents of this magazine.

No part of this magazine or any of its contents may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without the prior written consent of the author and/or publisher, unless otherwise indicated for stand-alone materials. Materials contained in this magazine are subject to copyright and other proprietary rights.

The publication of any advertisement is not to be construed as an endorsement of the product or service offered unless it is specifically stated in the ad that there is such approval or endorsement. © In Recovery Magazine 2012. All Rights Reserved. The magazine is a nonpartisan publication published quarterly by founder and publisher, Kim Welsh. In Recovery Magazine is distributed by Media Solutions, Inc.

83 | The Road to Providence by Robert Milton Ingram I have not made it to class this day, but I have found the road to Providence.

6

Seth Born

Kay’s Kitchen

BodyTalk

40 | Sleeping by a Dumpster by Dewayne R.

70 | Clutter Lives, Empty Souls by Terrance Shulman

76 | From Peer to Peer: On the Road from Al Kut by Bill W.

Travelin’ Sober Man

The four men killed were all friends of mine. But the one that really tore me up was the death of my close friend, the Sergeant First Class who sat next to me on the Chinook as we arrived in Iraq.

John Schuderer

Greg Wilson

From Peer to Peer

38 | From Soldier to Substance Abuse by Colin S.

Recovery is the subject of countless books. Here are some titles worth a look.

Cover Photo

Dr. Deb

USAF (1976-1999), PhD. The hardest part of change is recognizing there is a problem. I finally met it all head-on with the truth that it is me and not them with the problem.

69 | The BookStand

Veterans diagnosed with PTSD often find satisfying personal intimacy more difficult or even impossible.

Meditation

36 | Truth or Consequences by Kellogg Patton

68 | Book Review: Sitting in Pictures by Lena H.

Peggi Bird Barbara Schuderer Seth Born

John C. Hopkins

Book Review

US Navy. In 1976, I didn’t know anything about recovery. However, I got twelve-stepped by a drinking friend who told me about a homeless shelter just north of New York City.

When I left for college, people warned me about The Freshman 15 – after working in treatment centers for over 20 years, I coined a new phrase – The Treatment 20.

Rebecca (Becca) Fields

Web Design

CrossTalk

34 | Some Things Change by NY Jimmy

Vietnam Veteran. I remember the first time I stood up in an AA meeting and spoke those words. It was something I once said would never happen.

62 | Everyday Miracle: Walking in a Sober Wonderland by Rebecca Wilks

P.O. Box 11176, Prescott, AZ 86304

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

7

Letter from the Publisher

Letter from the Editor

There comes a Point in time when making a Decision for recovery outweighs the decision to stay in the pain and suffering of an

Y

addiction and the co-occuring issues that

et another year is coming to a close. Time seems to pass more quickly the older I become. I can go through a week, a month, even a year, look back and wonder where the time has gone.

may come with it. We are here for you and your family to help move you Forward and in

The important people in our lives – family and friends especially – deserve our love and attention. This is why the holidays are so important to me. They remind me – in the midst of life’s chaos – that I need to stop and take time to be with those who matter most to me. This season is the time to join the bustling crowds buying last minute decorations and gifts, to gather around dinner tables, Christmas trees and warm fires while we share this wonderful season.

the Right direction.

What used to be a time of remorse and regret is now a time of gratitude and rejoicing. No longer do I dread seeing family members nor do I need to “pull it together” for the family festivities. Today and for many years now, I cherish every moment during the holidays when I am with those I love.

Wonderful things have happened for In Recovery Magazine this year. We are now available in bookstores and newsstands across the nation. We’ve met and worked with some amazing people such as Mackenzie Phillips, Mark Lundholm, Tommy Rosen and Jeremy Miller. So many informative and touching articles have been published. I’m thrilled with the quality of the content we put into each issue. I know from the notes and comments I receive that we are making a difference.

We welcome those who may want to get involved in our exciting adventure. Please contact me directly if you would like to join us on our journey.

Happy Holidays and best wishes for the New Year!

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24-Hour Admissions: 877-77-ADMIT info@decisionpointcenter.com (888)966-9279 505 W. Whipple St., Prescott, AZ 86301 www.DecisionPointCenter.com We work with all insurances

Kim Kim Weslh Publisher, In Recovery Magazine publisher@inrecoverymagazine.com

In Recovery Magazine

ISSN 2372-2347

Winter 2014

Photo by Savid Hoy

Peggi Bird, Becca Fields, Janet Hopkins, Seth Born (not present Barbara Schuderer)

W

inter – wait, wasn’t it summer just a moment ago? It’s probably my age, but it sure seems like the seasons are flying by. The holidays are already upon us!

I remember my first sober holiday season. My recovery started at the beginning of the usual round of parties. I wasn’t sure how I would make it through all these gatherings without a drink; it never occurred to me NOT to go to the parties. I won the door prize at the first party – an expensive bottle of whiskey. As I stood there, bottle in hand, I felt myself at a crossroad – and turned to quickly hand the bottle to my still-drinking friend mumbling an explanation. I later celebrated my first sober Christmas as an adult. Despite that bottle of whiskey, I’ve stayed sober ever since.

Our winter issue celebrates the service of our country’s veterans with a special focus on veterans in recovery. I learned of the great price many of our vets have paid in service of our country. Kudos to the brave men and women whose stories are depicted.

December is typically a month of reflection and introspection – a perfect time to take stock of the past. I’ve felt a surge of gratitude for the talent and inspiration of our writers who keep the magazine fresh and interesting.

I have also felt deep gratitude for our volunteers and friends who faithfully show up for each issue. We provide support to one another through the mistakes, deadlines and long days of designing, layout, editing and proofing. I couldn’t do my job without the help and guidance from our Senior Copyeditor, Becca Fields, and copyeditors, Peggi Bird, Barbara Schuderer and Seth Born.

They make our “edit parties” a social event, complete with food, laughter and dancing.

I hope you feel part of our In Recovery community. Although we approach the world through the lens of recovery, our primary focus is on the everyday people we encounter. We share their inspiring accomplishments in recovery, which enhance their lives and the lives of those around them. We offer you a chance to explore recovery from someone else’s perspective – from Bill W.’s moving interview with Rob Ziarnick in the Peer-to-Peer column to Connally Perry’s Better Boxes to C. Johnson’s heartbreaking A Dog’s Tale.

As you read this issue, we also invite you to share your perspective with us – whether in an online comment, through a photo, with a story submission or via social media. Please let us know how you see and do recovery. Whether or not you realize it, your story – it’s yours to tell – just might inspire someone else to try something new or to try recovery again.

We keep the magazine going with the help of our sponsors, advertisers and subscribers. Please consider an advertisement, investment or subscription. We’re all just regular people doing something we love to do and we’d like to keep it going!

Until March,

Janet A. Hopkins Editor, In Recovery Magazine editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

Letters to the Editor

When it comes

A Special Thanks to John Schuderer I want to tell you all at In Recovery Magazine how impressed I was with your last issue! You’re really bringing to light the need to help our youth, as well as a wealth of resources and information.

I face challenges every day with my own kids; but I will continue to lead by example and help them back on their feet, over and over, if that’s what it takes.

Being a parent in recovery surely has its challenges; but just like we never pick-up, we never give-up either.

A special thanks to John Schuderer for continuing the recovery school cause.

Janie Munoz Prescott, Arizona

to Addiction, There’s no Discrimination

PROGRAMS FOR: Children - Pitch4Kids Adolescents - Teen Leadership Young Adults - My Destiny Mature Adults - Senior Serenity Multiple Program Components

Love Your Magazine I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE your magazine. It’s the only magazine I read cover to cover. Keep up the great work!

Tammy B. Phoenix, Arizona

ACT Locations:

Intensive Outpatient Program for Chemical dependency and Gambling Recovery

INSURANCE ACCEPTED

To learn more about the program and register go to www.theevolutionofaddictiontreatment.com.

Kay’s Kitchen – Fall 2014 I was finally able to hunt down a copy of In Recovery Magazine.

[Kay Luckett], you wrote such a great article; it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me in the past. Reaching your hand out [to me] was part of what helped me stick around when I came back [to recovery].

Katy J. Prescott, Arizona

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The current eld of recovery and addiction treatment has been evolving for eight decades. We have seen many important developments as well as many failed experiments. This conference reeects where we have been, where we are now, and where we are heading.

No Stranger to Trauma – Fall 2014 Wow! I know Bethany [Willyard] and have enjoyed getting to know more and more about her every day. I never knew her “back story” and was so impressed with the article. I now understand the triumph that Bethany radiates today. No wonder she’s so happy, loving and giving to the homeless. I’ve always cared about Bethany; but because of this article, I now ADORE her. She’s someone to be admired and inspired by.

It was a wonderful article about ownership, triumph and inspiration.

Sheila Buck Mental Health Association Oklahoma CAS-Carrera Oklahoma Initiative Development Director Tulsa, Oklahoma

Earn up to 27.5 hours of continuing Education credit.

Bethany Willyard’s willingness to share her story proves that there is hope for homelessness and addiction. What we do can make a difference! Thank you, Bethany, for your openness.

Tricia Mason, LPC Manager, Behavioral Health Services CommunityCare Managed Healthcare Plans There must be no better feeling for Bethany than to have overcome such heartbreaking obstacles and to have great hope in her future.

Everyone loves a story of redemption. We can all relate to it in one way or another. Kudos to her for taking the opportunity to give back in such a personal way.

Stephanie Dees

Chose one of 2 Pre-Conference all day workshops.

Enjoy 8 leding edge Keynote presentations.

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What a great story Bethany wrote. I am so happy for her. She is an inspiration to all.

Tamra Sheehan

We welcome your comments. Send them to In Recovery Magazine, P.O. Box 11176, Prescott, Arizona 86304 or email editor@inrecoverymagazine.com.

Tweet us @@InRecovery_Mag. Submissions may be edited.

10

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014 In Recovery Magazine 11 www.http://theevolutionofaddictiontreatment.com/subscribe2014.php/

Sober Living Mark Lund holm Way the

L

Compiled by Robert Hunt

ate one night in 1988, Mark Lundholm realized he was truly down and out. He was dangerously addicted to drugs and alcohol; no one would talk to him; his family cut their ties with him; and he was ready to end his life. When he put a gun to his head, it was a moment of fate. He was only 29 years of age and was ready to pull the trigger.

However, when he pulled the trigger to finally bring his misery to an end, the gun jammed.

His first thought was, I suck at everything I do!

Perhaps at the time, Mark really did suck at everything he did; but more likely, his Higher Power had more work ahead for him. Soon after the failed attempt to end it all, his life changed. That same night he admitted himself into a psychiatric detox center and subsequently into a halfway house. Sixty-two days into his recovery and still at the halfway house, he saw an intriguing flyer. A company was auditioning comedians and other performers to join their troupe and tour prisons, shelters and treatment centers.

His audition was a big hit. He performed a five-minute skit about smoking cocaine and life in a halfway house. Soon he was part of the troupe. Their first show was at the San Quentin State Prison. Although today he believes that his performance was terrible, he soon found himself hooked on performing and making light of the darkness of addiction and of sober living.

The troupe broke up a year later, but Mark continued on his own. He took his homeless, criminal and addiction-filled life and turned it around by finding amusement in its insanity. He continued touring and began to create a sense of hope for himself and others.

After a short time, Mark – a talented and enthusiastic performer – was bringing successful standup comedy shows to cities across the country. Today, he has toured 50 states and ten foreign countries. His “worked-there-ruined-that” style of humor is now so much more than a comedy show.

It is a clever storytelling experience exploring the human journey into darkness with honesty, heartwarming moments and a strong message of hope.

Photo by Greg Wilson 12

His performance is a thought-provoking journey through In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

one man’s decline and subsequent ascension – detailing his battles with addiction and loss in a manner that is sometimes shocking and always unceasingly honest. It never fails to leave audiences thinking differently about themselves and their loved ones. Describing his performances, Mark says, “Half is the humor; half is the hope; the rest is something I just love to do.”

The critics have been favorably impressed. The New York Times wrote, “Mr. Lundholm’s acerbic powers of observation are quite dark and funny.” The Chicago Sun-Times reported, “Lundholm is a terrific performer – aggressive, funny and charming.”

Mark has appeared on Comedy Central, Showtime, A&E, CBS and NBC. He also wrote and performed his own critically acclaimed one-man off-Broadway show in New York City. The stage play, Addicted . . . a comedy of substance, is an incredibly funny, candid portrayal of the dangerous choices and chances life offers. The play received great reviews from The New York Post, The New York Times and the Associated Press. It was voted the most highly recommended show in New York City by The Wall Street Journal’s Zagat Theatre Survey.

Perhaps it is the mascot in him – that member of a dysfunctional family who tries to get everyone laughing. Whether this is true of Mark’s history or not, he certainly has used his addiction and his path to sober living for the benefit of others. His story is a reminder that our character defects can be our assets; our faults can be our greatest resource.

As a comedian, Mark has been able to “. . . fine tune my defects into marketable skills.” He functions as both doctor and patient – helping others as he helps himself. He continues, “Humor in its essence is an invitation to trust. At its core, it’s a shame remover and a threat [reducer]. It takes away some of the stigma. I found that if we laugh at what we are afraid of, we don’t have to go back to it.”

Mark also gives motivational keynote addresses and presentations at professional conferences. His appearances are always the most highly attended and highly rated presentations. He has performed for the likes of Apple, Betty Ford, Donald Trump, Anthony Robbins, Eric Clapton and A&E.

When asked how he performs over 300 shows or presentations per year, he answered humbly, “God graced each of us with certain skills. With the amount of humor I have been blessed to create, how could I not work that much? This is the job I have because it is the work I was born to do – why would I stop?”

In Recovery Magazine was delighted to have Mark perform at their November 2014 Gratitude Gala. Lundholm is also the scheduled headliner on the In Recovery Magazine cruise to the Western Caribbean, December 5 through 12, 2015, including stops at Cozumel, Harvest Caye, Belize, Banana Coast-Trujillo and Honduras. On this seven-day cruise vacation aboard Norwegian Cruise Lines’ Norwegian Jade, travelers will experience meetings, workshops, special tours, a private party, shows, dancing, great food and lots of FUN-FUN-FUN. During the 80th International Convention of Alcoholics Anonymous in Atlanta, Georgia, July 1-5, 2015, Sobriety Celebrations is producing shows and free talks at the Rialto Theater just a few blocks away from the hotels and convention center. A play about the lives of Bill W. and Dr. Bob will be featured, as will Mark Lundholm’s standup comedy. The program will start on Monday, June 29 and run through Monday, July 6.

Mark currently resides in San Jose, California with his boy, Grayson. As he shares the way to sanity in recovery, it’s clear there will be many more laughs ahead of him. He truly is a revolutionary entertainer.

Robert Hunt is a recovering addict of seven years. He has devoted his life to helping others with chemical addictions as well as mental health challenges. Robert maintains many blogs on drug addiction, eating disorders and depression. He is a sober coach and wellness advocate and a prominent figure in the recovery community. You can follow him on Twitter @RecoveryRobert and read his blog at XLDrugRehabBlog.com.

‘Tis the Season

By Amy Baumgardner

Tis

the season to be merry . . . or is it? In my early recovery, I wasn’t sure. I white-knuckled my way through so many festive celebrations and holiday parties, I lost count.

What I learned for sure is that there is no easy way through holidays or through recovery.

Staying sober is hard enough without a surfeit of Christmas celebrations, family gatherings and holiday happy hours, right? This entire season can be a set up for failure. As memories of past New Year’s celebrations crept into my mind, I found myself resenting the very program that saved my life.

If I had to go to one more party and watch friends and family enjoy their cocktails “responsibly,” I was going to scream.

I am sure everyone in recovery can relate when I tell them that it sent me into a rage. What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn’t drink like a normal person? How boring was the rest of my life going to be? I was livid watching Uncle Bob throw back his fifth Jim Beam and coke, and yet I was the drunk?!

Early in my recovery, I knew it was important for me to have a plan that would keep me focused on my sobriety.

This wasn’t easy. I didn’t feel that I could talk to “normies” about how I was feeling. I was resentful and bitter. It didn’t register with me that there just might be someone else out in the world feeling the same emotions. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I mean, how could I have any fun at all without booze?

The so-called “responsible” drinkers, like Uncle Bob, had no qualms about letting the good times roll. They weren’t about to let a little thing like my sobriety deter them from getting mud-slopping, falling-down drunk. I became known as a “buzz kill.” I didn’t smoke; I didn’t do drugs; and I don’t drink.

14

I soon learned that I didn’t fit in with that crowd anymore; these parties were no place for a person trying to stay sober.

Not only did my environment have to change, but so did the people in it. I had to accept the fact that many of the people I thought were my “friends” were nothing more than drinking buddies.

My second tactic for the season is to be cognizant of planning our outings. If I know a certain restaurant is frequented by my old drinking buddies, I don’t go there.

Who needs the reminder? My husband and I take day trips skiing or visiting friends. We find new places to dine and spend quality time together as a family with our children.

These are the times when having a sponsor is crucial – someone who had been where I was and who understood the resentments and frustrations I was feeling.

My third tactic for the holidays is to practice gratitude.

Giving thanks to my Higher Power while focusing on the joys of my life serves me well in times of bitterness and resentment. How can I possibly be angry at the fact that I can’t have a beer after taking time to notice the positives surrounding me? Doing this helps me see the good in my life far outweighs the bad.

I’d like to tell you that I dove right into my recovery and followed every suggestion to a tee, but I didn’t. I eased into it, testing the waters; until finally I fully surrendered.

I began to notice that the more sober connections to people, places and things I brought into my life, the less tempted I was to drink.

That year and each subsequent year, I began to invent my own set of rules for surviving the holiday season. I call them Survival Tactics. They are little things I could do to release aggravation and successfully cope with the holidays.

My number one tactic for the holiday season is to attend more Twelve Step meetings. I make it a priority to stay connected with my support system; I know that this technique is the key to my survival through the festivities.

I also find something else to occupy a good bit of my time.

Or rather, God always finds something interesting for me to do. For example, four years ago my two older children and I joined a community theatre. Each holiday season we are busy, busy, busy rehearsing and preparing for our production of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. It is a wonderful distraction and a great way to spend time with my family.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

The holiday season can fill us with a sense of togetherness and compassion. Unfortunately, the merriment that surrounds these festive seasons can also put us at risk of a relapse – whether we are ten days sober or ten years sober.

My disease never takes a day off, so I know I can’t either.

Regardless of the holiday or the event, I am well aware I am only one drink away from falling right back into my old ways.

I enjoy living a sober life far more than the drunken life I endured – even if it means not having a champagne toast at midnight. I would much rather pass on the booze in exchange for the beautiful life I have today. I don’t ever want to give up all my blessings for a drink.

Happy holidays . . . and thanks for letting me share!

Amy Baumgardner is an author, freelance writer and truth-teller. She is committed to her recovery and sharing her message of faith, hope and forgiveness.

Navy Seals

By Eliza Jane B.

A

t the beginning of every AA meeting, they ask if anyone is in their first 30 days of sobriety. As recently as four days ago, I was not willing to raise my hand.

I was even going to meetings late, so I wouldn’t be there when they asked the 30-day question.

But today, the question was asked; and after a long pause, I admitted I was in my first 30 days of sobriety. Twentythree days, to be exact. It felt pretty good, I guess. It was difficult to admit because just a month before I had 32 years of sobriety.

With disinterest, I later told them about the four times I drank. I’ve told this story so many times in the last few days that it has become more of a recitation than anything else.

However, I forgot to include the part about the article I read in The New York Times about moderate drinking. In an AA meeting, the mere mention of an article like this produces a lot of eye-rolling. But this article was part of my relapse.

The article stated that many alcoholics could actually drink moderately and didn’t have to be doomed to a life without alcohol. I took the survey that would tell me if I could be a moderate drinker. Three times I had to change my answers so I could fit into the category of people for whom drinking is an option.

Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t this article that made me drink. No one else is to blame – I drank because I am an alcoholic. I drank because the addictive part of me is always sitting on my shoulder waiting to attack when I’m most vulnerable. And attack it did.

But it’s the Navy Seals who are really on my mind. I watched Captain Phillips for the third time this morning. Well, actually, I watched the Navy Seal parts for the third time.

I am absolutely captivated by these Navy Seals. In particular, I am infatuated with the Navy Seal negotiator. I googled the actor who played the negotiator, thinking I had a thing for him. But no, I decided I wanted him only in the role of the Navy Seal he portrayed in the movie. As I watched this movie, I realized that there is a part of me who wants a Navy Seal in my life to flex his muscles and say, “It’s ok, missy. Step aside; I’ll take care of everything.”

I need to tell you that I’m not usually like this. I have always prided myself – maybe to the extreme – in that I can always take care of myself, goddamn it! And I certainly don’t have a thing for big muscles and crew cuts. Or I didn’t . . .

Okay, I’m beaten down because I relapsed after 32 years.

Over a three-week period, I had parts of three drinks and an entire fourth drink on three separate occasions. I’m going to AA, talking at the meetings and will get a sponsor.

I don’t particularly like ten of the Twelve Steps; I have read the Orange Papers that describe AA as a cult and kind of agree. My biggest beef with AA is this Higher Power business.

Yesterday I was talking to my cousin, a longtime AA fanatic (okay, member), about my Higher Power problem. “Joe,” I said. “I know you’re from Texas, but you believe in evolution, right?” I love to tease my cousin. I continued, “So how do you reconcile yourself to this Higher Power in AA?” Joe explained that it took him awhile to get used to the idea of a Higher Power. But now he works with addicts right off the streets, many of whom carry all their possessions in a bag. Most have no jobs, no job skills and no place to live.

They come to AA to clean up; and against all odds, many of them do. To him this is good enough evidence that there is a Higher Power. I have to admit, this evidence is pretty compelling.

Joe says I need to surrender myself to AA and work the program. Since I am retired and have lots of free time, this is a great opportunity for me. So, I’m trying.

Finding my Higher Power is going to be the hardest part, even though I know that the Higher Power can be anything I choose – it doesn’t have to be God. Maybe the Higher Power is being channeled to me and is represented by the Navy Seal negotiator in Captain Phillips.

Okay, I’ll turn myself over physically and spiritually to a Higher Power only if my Higher Power can be a Navy Seal negotiator. But it has to be the one in the goddamned movie.

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EARTHBASE’s nature programs engage the wilderness in a unique and powerful way that encourages a lifelong relationship with the animate world.

1. ACHIEVE EMOTIONAL BALANCE: Experience long-term sobriety through practices that address the emotional and spiritual conditions underlying the crisis of addiction.

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with the Four Facets of Self which cultivate wholeness and joy in the sober life.

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Give me this, and I’m in.

Eliza Jane Block lives in Northern California with her husband and yellow lab. In her free time, she likes to take walks with her dog and ride her bike.

EARTHBASE RECOVERY teams can travel to your neck of the woods.

Please contact us for more information on programs outside Prescott.

EARTHBASE RECOVERY • Jeffrey B. GrubertIn•Recovery surrender2winn@gmail.com • Phone: 949-929-8880 Winter 2014 Magazine 17

CJ – Smiley Gets a New Friend My laundry is finished. The trudge up to my RV is interrupted by a man trying to back a travel trailer into a campsite. Beside him sits an attentive dog. After the man decides his trailer is properly nestled between the tree and the picnic table, he shuts off the engine. I walk to his open truck window.

the rocks below. Those rocks called to him.

Larry decided to call today’s adventure “The Three Hour Tour.”

“You know if you taught that dog how to drive, you could get out and direct while the dog backed up.”

“His legs are too short,” replied the young man. Quick, I thought.

The dog stood in the young man’s lap and insisted on an ear scratch.

A Dog’s Tale

By C. Johnson, Anne H. and Kim W.

Anne H. He was the runt of the litter and the last one born. It was a beautiful day; the sun was sending golden shafts of light into the room as one after another of the pups was whelped.

He was a beautiful black-tri with deep copper and snowy white markings.

came to the house to buy the remaining blue merle pup.

I liked Larry immediately. He was a sincere, sweet younger man who promised to give the puppy a good home.

He was a mournful little mite – usually off by himself sleeping or watching his boisterous brothers and sisters as they tumbled around, fighting, growling and squealing. Occasionally he would sound a lonesome little howl from a solitary perch. That’s how he got his official name, Singing in the Rain or Dewey for short.

Larry picked up Dewey and looked into the little puppy’s eyes as he cradled him in his big hand. “Yes, I believe you are right. He picked me, and so I pick him.”

Dewey remained a solitary soul, though he followed me everywhere. If visitors came, he’d hang back or hide, watching his roly-poly siblings at a distance as they jumped and kissed and snuggled the visiting admirers.

After a few months, I stopped hearing from Larry. I often wondered what happened to that dear man and his special pup, who Larry had decided to call Smiley. I imagined the best for them, wondering if Larry had married his sweetheart – if she, Larry and Smiley were having great adventures.

One by one the pups went off to their new homes. One evening, when Dewey was a little over nine weeks old, a man 18

As Larry talked, Dewey came out from behind my feet, looked up at Larry and proceeded to curl up on his feet.

“It looks like that pup has chosen you,” I exclaimed. “He never goes to anyone.”

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

For early morning exercise, I routinely walked the perimeter of the lake. One morning, on my walk back up the hill to my RV, I noticed the dog watching me. I knocked on the trailer door. With his eyes squinting in the sunlight, the man stepped out.

“Hi, I’m CJ. I walk every morning. If you want, I can walk your dog for you.”

“Sure, thanks. I’m Larry; he’s Smiley. He reminds me to smile every day.” He yawned as he stepped back into the RV and closed the door.

For several weeks, I walked Smiley every morning. After returning a tired Smiley home each morning, Larry and I would sit at his picnic table and talk. He told me snippets of his life, and I shared portions of mine.

We became friends, ate sushi and enjoyed hiking and camping together. He told me of the hollowness and darkness that consumed him. I revealed to him my wish to melt into the carpet. I recognized his depression because it was also my depression. My repeated sentence to him was, “You speak my language – the language of depression.” I had struggled with depression my entire life, but had no voice to express it. He provided me with the words.

While walking a local trail one day, Smiley took off down toward the lake. The three of us clambered over boulders and waded across a creek. After a particularly difficult climb up a bus-sized rock, we rested. We were in awe at the greatness of God’s beautiful handiwork. We shared our religious upbringing with each other. “There is a Higher Power, and it is here. Just look around,” I said.

Larry looked at me bleakly. “I’ve lost my spirituality. My soul is darkness. God isn’t there.”

I told him about the loaded Smith and Wesson .357 next to my bed and about drinking until my darkness overwhelmed me – then that gun called to me. Larry described his walk on a certain high bridge in eastern Arizona to see Winter 2014

CJ and Smiley Join Up In mid-May 2009, we have lunch with Larry’s parents.

Larry’s demeanor is subdued. His parents have come to take him and Smiley back to El Paso, Texas. He is going into a drug addiction facility.

My best friends are leaving me.

As they pack his trailer the next morning, Smiley and I sit on the rocks above the campground and talk.

Larry had given me the courage to face my depression.

I endured the melancholy monster by drinking. Drinking led me to my gun and thoughts of death. Smiley reminds me to smile every day. I really want to smile.

Larry’s gone. I don’t hear from him. Then on June 17, Smiley’s first birthday, my phone rings. It’s Larry. “Do you want Smiley? He’s your dog anyway.”

“Yes, yes!” I can’t breathe; I’m so happy.

I find Smiley at a rest stop, safe in the trailer with air conditioning running, with food and water set out. Larry doesn’t want to see his boy leave with me, so he has left the parking area. I take Smiley and his toys to my car. I find Larry’s Bible in with Smiley’s paperwork.

Smiley. My boy. We talk all the way home. He wants to drive. I tell him his legs are too short.

In Recovery Magazine

Continued on next page 19

The paperwork reveals Smiley’s birth information. I call the number and ask for the kennel owner. She provides directions to her home. Smiley and I race out.

The breeder, Anne H., breaks out the photo albums of Smiley’s relatives. I tell her how I acquired Smiley. She remembers Larry and comments on how struck she was by him. She tells me about their meeting the year before.

“Dewey (her name for Smiley) curled up on his feet and fell asleep,” she says. “He never did that. I told Larry, ‘that dog has chosen you’.”

August 2009 – CJ Finds a New Way I attend my first Twelve Step meeting. Every morning at 6 a.m., I hear my story again and again. I highlight my Big Book.

September 2009, Smiley’s dad arrives at my RV door on a new motorcycle. Smiley’s reunion with Larry included three bags of chips and potato salad. We share our experiences of the past months.

I’m sober. Larry, well . . . he left treatment after a week. He’s been sleeping under bridges with homeless people and visiting shelters for food. I ask if he’d like to go to a meeting.

He declines, but asks me to help him get into a treatment center. I don’t know where to begin.

He stays at four different facilities over the next few weeks.

Otherwise, he sleeps on my couch and watches Smiley while I work. We continue our ongoing conversation about depression, which now includes addiction. During the last week of October 2009, his parents arrive to again enroll him in a rehab.

I need a mentor, a sponsor to guide me in my sobriety. After my heart-to-heart talks with Larry, every other conversation about my inner “me” falls short. I am reluctant to find a sponsor. By that time, I’m attending a Saturday morning women’s group. I comment on a woman’s ruby slipper earrings. She said her ruby slippers fulfill her wishes. The woman next to her speaks up, “I live on Yellow Brick Road.

Do I get wishes granted, too?”

my clients and that they will all stay clean and sober. Of course, this isn’t always the case.

My first impression of Larry was he didn’t belong in treatment; he lacked the reserve most clients have in their first few days. As I passed him in the hallway coming onto my shift, Larry looked down at me, smiled broadly and said, “Hi!” In the weeks that followed, Larry and I talked a lot. He was a joy to be around – beautiful inside and out. He was intellectual, funny, humble, gentle and caring – though one needed only to look into Larry’s eyes to see that a deep sadness dwelled within.

He spoke openly about his depression, though he never appeared depressed. He willingly and happily participated in every activity and was always there to lift up anyone who was struggling.

I remember thinking how much this man had to offer the world. I prayed for Larry when he graduated from rehab.

I was confident he would succeed.

For months after Larry left the treatment center, I would often see him on Saturday afternoons in the park where we took the clients to play volleyball. Larry would run up to me smiling and give me a big hug – sometimes lifting me off the ground. That would make my day.

CJ and Smiley’s Big Adventures In 2012, I changed careers and no longer spent Saturdays at the park. Now and then I heard of Larry’s ups and downs in recovery. At one point, someone told me he had moved to Phoenix and was doing well. I cherished the memory of the man I was so privileged to have known during such a vulnerable time in his life.

I sought out and received counseling and medication for my depression. Smiley and I saw Larry again through the winter of 2009/2010. He was clean and sober. I was clean and sober. Smiley, Diesel (Larry’s new Australian Shepherd) and the two of us camped, hiked and ate sushi. He told me about his interest in becoming a physical therapy assistant.

“Smiley. My boy. We talk all the way home. He wants to drive. I tell him his legs are too short.” in southwest Florida.

A week later, Anne emailed me and said she was in Florida, too. She wanted to know where I was.

“I’m in Naples, about two hours south,” I shot back.

On January 5, 2014, we met at the dog beach in St. Petersburg, Florida. We talked about our lives as we watched Smiley play.

I turn to the second lady and say, “My dog’s breeder lives on Yellow Brick Road.” The lady asks me what kind of dog.

I tell her, “He’s an Australian Shepherd.”

We emailed and texted during his school days in New Mexico. I was so proud of him. I was so thankful to him for being the catalyst that saved my life.

Anne asked, “How is Smiley’s dad?” I told her he had gotten sober, and he had a new life as a physical therapy assistant.

I also mentioned that I had not heard from him this past Christmas. We both expressed hope that he was doing well.

“That’s me! I thought you looked familiar,” Anne H. says in amazement. “You’re Dewey’s, I mean Smiley’s new mom!”

November 2010, I loaded my RV and headed to Baja, Mexico. Smiley learned to bark in Spanish and to herd seagulls along the beaches. I fished and swam with him in the Sea of Cortez. I sent pictures of Smiley to Larry and Anne, my sponsor, anytime I could. Eventually, my travels took me to Florida where I spent some time visiting my family.

“I’ll ask my friend Kim if she’s heard any news of him. She used to work at the rehab he went to,” Anne said. “I’d love to know how he’s doing. Though I only met him once, he had a strangely strong impact on my life.”

I ask, “Do you sponsor people?”

“Yes, I do,” Anne H. replies.

Kim Working in the field of recovery can be difficult, even challenging. I always hope that somehow I will be able to reach 20

Christmas 2013, I sent a picture of Smiley in his Santa suit to Anne and Larry. I included a note that mentioned I was

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

CJ – One Dog, Four Lives Smiley brought three people together, but in a deeper way, Larry linked all four of us, Anne, Kim, Smiley and me, together. He was the catalyst that helped me deal with my depression and put me on a path to sobriety. Anne helped Winter 2014

bring Smiley into this world, sold Smiley to Larry and helped me navigate sobriety. Anne’s friend, Kim, helped Larry get sober. There are no coincidences.

On January 9, 2014, Anne forwarded an email to me from Kim with a link to a newspaper story about Larry’s death.

I cannot breathe. He is gone. He profoundly touched my life.

I break the news to Smiley. He is sad, too.

Blue skies.

Larry I’m Larry. Smiley was my dog.

I learned about God as a kid. I struggled with His love versus His wrath. I sought answers in alcohol and drugs.

As time went by, I slid further into confusion, despair and depression. My parents helped me try many solutions for my “bad behavior.” As a youngster, I was placed in a facility where employees were later convicted of child abuse and neglect. “Where is my loving God?” Did God make me perfectly broken? I served in the Navy

In Recovery Magazine

21

and came home to start my life as a responsible adult. I educated myself. I became a commercial real estate loan writer at a major bank in Phoenix. My life hummed along.

I married and started a family. But finding God’s purpose for me still haunted my soul. My depression deepened into blackness. By day I smiled and shook hands; by night I melted into the Phoenix methamphetamine culture. I lost my banking job, my wife and my family as I struggled to find my spirituality and forgiveness from a wrathful God. My parents provided financial support for several stays in Arizona addiction treatment facilities – in and out, over and over again.

“God made me perfectly broken. How can I live with that?”

I threatened and attempted suicide many times.

Sometime during this awful time, my dog Smiley, confidant and adventure partner came into my life. He never judged me or demanded that I “will away” my depression.

I started a blog, Smileyisadog Blog, where I told of my exploits with Smiley, my questions to God and my attempts to release myself from my internal darkness. Many people befriended Smiley and me. We camped and hiked all over national forests.

My friend CJ and I followed Smiley on many hiking adventures. On a hike I called “The Three Hour Tour,” Smiley, my brave boy, trusted me to push and pull him over rocks he couldn’t jump. My depression and addiction became so bad I knew I was no longer able to care for Smiley, so I called CJ and gave him to her. He was her dog, anyway. She took care of him when I was neglecting him as I drank and drugged.

In November 2009, I made another pass at recovery in the Arizona town I loved. God is there. And I found Him. This time in recovery, I discovered a passion for physical therapy and its benefits. I attended a school near Albuquerque and became a physical therapy assistant. It was gratifying to see people improve their health with my support. God was using me to help others. I loved them, and they loved me back. I was finally at peace.

I filled my life with camping, hiking, running and riding my bike with my two new Aussies, Diesel and Zoey – yet that old darkness in the depths of my soul still called to me.

The darkness whispered that God had made me perfectly broken and I was not forgiven for letting Him down.

My depression intensified, and once again I returned to the familiar relief of drugging and drinking. I don’t remember now much time had passed before that terrible day in the winter of 2013.

I had been drinking heavily since four that afternoon.

My mind was filled with despair and terrible depression.

22

I didn’t go to work. First, I went on a verbal rampage, hurting people who were closest to me, people I loved. They didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. I was inconsolable, irreparable. I began stabbing myself in the chest.

This year my mom took us all the way to Alaska; she got a job as a campground host on Kodiak Island. The smells are wild up here!

“I’m ready to die. I want to be shot,” I told my son-in-law.

He called the police.

I like to bark at other dogs, and I protect my mom from every danger. She says I’m very smart. She’s teaching me how to drive! I steer, and she pushes the gas pedal because my legs are too short.

“He’s asking to be shot,” my son-in-law told the operator.

“He will follow through with the suicide. He keeps stabbing himself; he’s cutting himself to pieces!”

She told me about my buddy, Larry. She was sad, so I kissed her and told her it was okay. We’ll see him again and play with Diesel and Zoey, too. Even when I lose my bones and

When they came, I did what people call suicide by cop.

Holding two knives, I charged the responding officer and was shot. And with that act, I broke so many hearts. I left behind my family, children, grandchildren and friends whom I loved very much.

My depression and addiction ended my beautiful life. I died at the hospital.

I am with God now.

Blue skies.

Larry’s Friends After several articles reported the event, notes poured in to the local paper.

“He touched the hearts and lives of all of us and the clients he worked with,” his boss wrote. “He’s helped so many people, both physically and emotionally. It’s a big shock.”

“Larry had a heart of gold and lit up a room when he walked in with his tremendous smile. He made everyone feel important,” wrote a family friend. “. . . he served in the Gulf War and received [many medals] . . . What a terrible loss,” wrote another.

“RIP, Larry. I know you have gone to a better place . . . while you were here you contributed so very much . . . I will miss your beautiful smile and your kindness,” wrote a patient.

I am sad, I always find them just where they were the last time I was chewing on them.

I love you, CJ. I love you, Larry, Diesel and Zoey! I love you, my first mom!

Life is good.

Blue skies.

A co-worker wrote, “Larry was a wonderful man, so caring and compassionate. I will always remember his smile, humor and great conversations! He touched so many people and brightened their day. Larry was also a very talented PTA, so compassionate about his work. We will miss you so much, Larry. You will never be forgotten and always loved!

RIP, my friend!”

“The angels are better off with a soul like his around.”

Smiley’s Tale I’m a happy travelin’ dog. Whether it’s Baja, Arizona, Oregon or Florida I find rabbits, squirrels or seagulls to herd. Once I even got to herd some wild cattle down a beach in Mexico!

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

23

Uncle Johnny’s Christmas Party

By H. Thomas Gillis

I

t was a cold December evening in Connecticut with snow in the forecast. For the family holiday festivities, my mother had dressed my two younger brothers and me in cute, look-alike suits. We were off to an annual Christmas party at Uncle Johnny’s house. This was the night the word “drunk” became part of my permanent vocabulary. I was almost six years old.

Uncle Johnny was my father’s uncle, a retired jovial greyhaired man. He had made a comfortable living and owned a big house on a hill. He exuded holiday cheer and welcoming humor. I always liked going to Uncle Johnny’s Christmas party. To a little boy, this family party symbolized all the good things Christmas was supposed to be.

Uncle Johnny knew how to make everyone feel included.

His house was a fun place where I felt safe. The treasure of the night was Aunt Mildred’s fudge brownies, which were legendary treats enjoyed at every family gathering.

I thought there would be good times like this for many years to come, but my father’s alcoholism would reshape my view of the world.

Unlike Uncle Johnny’s house, when visiting other relatives I would immediately be subject to a lecture about all the does and don’ts of the house. Don’t touch anything in this room. Don’t eat in that room. Don’t put a glass on the table.

Don’t turn the television on; or you can watch it, but don’t turn the volume higher than this. Do you understand, Thomas?

There were relatives I dreaded visiting on holidays and some I couldn’t wait to see. Half the fun of going to Uncle Johnny’s house was hanging out with my older cousins.

Being the oldest of three brothers was lonely at times.

When you are the oldest kid, you don’t really have anyone to talk to. What do you do at age six, ask your three-yearold brother for advice? When I was with my older cousins, I felt connected and important.

Trouble started when it was time to go home. By this time it was dark and cold and the snow was falling. My mother made sure my two brothers and I were belted into the 24

backseat. I watched out the window as my parents began to squabble. They argued over who was going to drive us home. My parents’ fighting was nothing new, but it was the first time I registered that drinking was the cause for the conflict – “Why are my parents fighting about who will drive the car?”

Mother blasted my father, “Howard, you have been drinking Scotch all evening, and you’re drunk.” The words my parents exchanged were full of anger. My mother let her words fly with a venomous and ruthless aim. She was out to wound. “Howard, you are drunk. You’re too drunk to drive the car. You’re a disgrace. You’re not getting behind that wheel. You’ll kill us all. I am driving us home.”

The ride home took an hour – crossing each town line, then negotiating the snow-filled city streets of New Haven and finally creeping onto the black and icy highway. Our old Ford station wagon strained to find its grip in the slushfilled streets. We were halfway home when we stopped at a streetlight on a four-lane road with traffic going in all directions. Big snowflakes were drifting down slowly, like mini-paratroopers landing on the windshield.

My mother continued to berate my father about being drunk, thereby forcing her to take responsibility for driving us home in the midst of a snowstorm. That Christmas holiday night was the first time I was frightened by my father’s actions.

From the front seat, my mother let out a series of noises and shrieks. My father had stepped out of the car at a busy intersection and began to urinate in the road. It didn’t matter what my mother hollered. “Get in the car, Howard.”

“Howard! What are you doing?” “The traffic, Howard!”

My father was not getting back in the car until he relieved himself. I looked out my window from the backseat with a sick curiosity and a deep feeling of horror. The passenger’s door was wide open; as my father continued pissing, sounds of the street poured in – wheels splashing the street slush, horns honking and cars swinging by us.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

My mother was coming unglued. She tried to reach across the front seat and grab my father’s winter coat, so he would not stumble into the passing traffic. I could see him out the side window. He could barely balance on the slick, snowy road. He was wearing black rubber boots over his dress shoes. My eyes were fixated on his feet, hoping he wouldn’t fall into the path of a passing automobile. When he finished, he zipped up his fly and flopped back into the front seat with a drunkard’s smile, satisfied that his bladder was now empty.

While my father was pleased with himself, my mother was in a full-blown emotional frenzy. She was seeing red, and the words flying out of her mouth were nasty and demeaning. Let the heavyweight battle begin! Their screaming at each other was so irrational – at one point, I thought one might hit the other. I just wanted to get home.

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Christmas was never innocent for me again. My father’s drinking would always be the central theme of my worry.

From a young age I learned to live with anxiety and fear.

At the time, I didn’t understand just how damaging those long-lasting feelings were. No one did back then. And I was just a kid.

The holidays continued to be stressful, unhappy times. But Christmas was always the worst. If he wasn’t off in rehab or a hospital drying-out – yet again – my father was always in some stage of an alcoholic binge.

Every few years my father would be sober on Christmas.

In my mid-twenties, there was even a stretch of five or six years in a row when I got the only present I wanted – a sober father. But I learned to do without. All the red fire trucks in the world could never make up for my father not being with us – sober.

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Once I was an adult and married with children, I never wanted any of my three daughters to have Christmas memories like mine. Not one. I wanted their childhood Christmas Eve dreams to be filled with Santa Claus and wonder – with memories of stockings hung from the mantel, Christmas songs being sung and presents under the tree. I wanted my girls to have the gift of a sober father.

Yes, my father did teach me an important lesson that night so long ago. It’s a lesson that has stayed with me through my 31 years of recovery and has kept me sober when I was vulnerable to a holiday drink. My girls have been raised in a safe and loving home where they are free to discover the beautiful life they have before them, with never a worry like those I had through my childhood.

Howard Thomas Gillis Jr. is the oldest of three boys. His father was a Yale graduate, an attorney and an alcoholic. His mother became an alcoholic a decade behind his father. Gillis’s recovery began at the age of 23. For the next ten years he struggled with his sobriety. He has been married to a beautiful, but impossible woman for 22 years. They have three lovely daughters ranging from junior high age to college age.

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

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of clarity which led to my eventual recovery. I finally made the choice between life and death.

I was in treatment two days later. I had to admit I had a problem. However, I also had to be honest about everything in my life, or I knew I would not make it.

Better Boxes

By Connally Perry

Photo By Anton Oparin / Shutterstock.com

M

ilitary veterans should never be homeless.

Nevertheless, I know all too well that many veterans, especially those impacted by mental illness and substance abuse, end up on the streets just as I did.

How does it feel to be homeless? It’s scary. I’ve experienced some pretty heavy stuff in my life, especially during my time in the service; but never had I experienced such a negative feeling as the helplessness I knew when sleeping on the streets. It wasn’t that I was sleeping in a place without a locked door; it was that I felt lost.

I once was lost, but since have found a new life. Today, I help veterans and other Oklahomans experiencing mental illness and homelessness find a safe place to live in Mental Health Association Oklahoma’s housing and recovery programs. Once our clients have an apartment, we connect them with the recovery supports they need to rebuild their lives.

To get to this point in my recovery, I first had to survive two years, six months, four days and three hours in the Army, two-and-a-half years of homelessness and two decades of addiction.

I grew up in Ponca City, Oklahoma, the son of a car salesman and a wedding planner. Two months after I turned 18 years old, I joined the Army, where I served during the Vietnam conflict.

When I got out of the Army in 1971, all I had in the world was a green Army duffle bag filled with the only clothes 26

I owned. I was also struggling with undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and an extremely serious substance abuse problem.

When you’re in the service, self-sufficiency is beaten into your head; you can overcome any problem by yourself.

That’s why I tried to get sober on my own. It was difficult to admit I needed help. Today I see the tremendous value of the VA; but at that time in my life, I was angry at “the system” and didn’t feel as if anybody understood what I was going through.

Despite my efforts to stay sober, I relapsed. By 1983, I was divorced and living in my truck in Arkansas. While I was homeless, I was shot and stabbed. As I recovered from my injuries, I remember thinking that although I had survived my time in the service, I wasn’t sure I would live through homelessness.

But I did. Life turned around; I married again only to divorce in 1995. Once again I was homeless. I wanted to see my son. By this time, I had been on the streets for almost a year. I was full of shame for being homeless for the second time. I would go to a service station, wash up and do my best to look good; then I would pick up my son at his mom’s house. Thank God, he never knew I was homeless.

In 1999, I finally got off the streets for the third and last time. I was able to get a job with Mental Health Association Oklahoma, helping other people who were going through what I had experienced. However, it wasn’t until 2003 that friends convinced me it was time to seek treatment for my out-of-control substance abuse problem. I had a moment

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

I am proud to say that I have been sober now for eleven years. Today I am the Administrator of Permanent Supported & Transitional Housing for Mental Health Association Oklahoma. I oversee the housing programs for homeless people with mental illnesses, including the many veterans whom I consider to be my friends.

At my job I get to witness firsthand what happens when someone has their moment of clarity. Either they can stay on the streets, or they can take the key I offer them and open the door to a new apartment and a new life.

In my opinion, it is all about providing our clients housing first, then surrounding them with supportive people and services. It’s the right thing to do for these people; besides, it saves taxpayers’ money. In the long run, it is cheaper to provide people with a safe and affordable place to live, than it is to leave them on the streets where they may commit crimes to survive, become victims of crimes or suffer serious health consequences related to crime, addiction or exposure. Those who have served this country deserve better than a miserable life on the streets.

I always tell people that those of us working in these housing and recovery programs don’t give up on people.

We give them second, third, fourth and fifth chances – whatever it takes to get that person back on the road to recovery. It is so much more than just getting people off the street and giving them a place to sleep – we help them change their lives and the lives of those who love them.

A few years ago, I was approached by Mental Health Association Oklahoma to participate in its BetterBox Project, a campaign to end homelessness. To help put a face on the homeless, I happily told my story on camera.

Since the BetterBox Project video was released online and via social media, I have heard from people at my church and even people from my high school. Dozens of people I hadn’t heard from in years have called me. All of them expressed shock that I had been living on the streets. They said things like “How did this happen?” and “I can’t believe this. You don’t look like someone who would ever be homeless.”

I always tell them, “I didn’t think I would ever be homeless either. But I was. It’s not anything I’m proud or ashamed of – homelessness can happen to anyone.”

To learn more about the BetterBox Project and watch Connally’s videos, go to betterboxproject.org. Visit mhaok.org to learn more about Mental Health Association Oklahoma.

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

27

A Christmas

Carol Redux

In the Fourth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Now I had some major decisions to make about my life.

Some of my choices were good and healthy at this stage, and some were not good at all. Through floundering effort, trial and error, I just didn’t pick up. I decided to trust in my Higher Power instead of my own barometer.

In the Twelve Steps of Recovery, my Higher Power gave to me . . .

In the Fifth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Better perspective,

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Acceptance through surrender,

Even without a numbing agent to help it along, life keeps happening. Not everything seen with clar-i-ty shows up in a rosy glow, especially as I learn to be responsible for my own messes. The learning curve is continuous; but God loves me, right?

In the Sixth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

By Jana Greene

T

here is something cool about the number “twelve.” It makes me think of the number of recovery steps; a dozen fresh, hot doughnuts; the number of beloved disciples of Jesus; and the Twelve Days of Christmas (even though that never made much sense to me – having little appreciation for a Partridge in a Pear Tree or Lords a’ Leapin’).

But I do have all the appreciation in the world for addiction recovery. In my twelfth year of active recovery and in celebration of the Twelve Steps, I composed a “Twelve Days of Christmas” redux.

In the First Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – a serving of humility.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

It was difficult to admit that I had zero power over a silly substance – alcohol – truly humiliating, but in the best way possible. I had to learn how to bite off one single day at a time without drinking, then another and another – in complete surrender to God. I continue to approach sobriety this way.

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In the Second Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – boundless, steady love and a serving of humility.

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

If you don’t think you deserve to be loved, then actually being loved is difficult to accept. But true love doesn’t come because we deserve it; it often comes when we think we can’t possibly deserve it. God’s love is boundless in nature, and He wants us to learn how to love one another in the same way.

In the Third Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Oh, the mess I’d made of my life when I was active in my disease! Surely I’d used up all of the favor I could reasonably be shown. Blessedly, God is not reasonable in promising future hope and favor for just the faithful!

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Winter 2014

A way to pay it forward,

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

When I humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings, the ensuing space fills up with beautiful things, like love, grace, joy and mercy. During this time God sent sober, loving friends to storm the shores of my life. As we lose our character defects, we gain relationships with just the right people – folks who understand us.

In the Seventh Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Comfort in his presence, Permission to be happy, Coping skills for living, Mercy overflowing, FINE CLA-RI-TY! Grace through massive changes, Hope for the future,

Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Coping with life on life’s terms? It’s not always the easiest thing to do. In times of struggle, my habit is to go first to God with my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I must remind myself to take my spiritual toolbox everywhere I go.

Boundless, steady love, And a serving of humility.

In the Eighth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – permission to be happy; coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

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Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Because I let go of my pride, for me making amends often went hand-in-hand with happiness. Proud people often find true happiness elusive.

Because it helps me differentiate between having joy and being happy, I love the Serenity Prayer, especially the little-known end of the prayer. Sometimes, being reasonably happy is just fine.

Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen. – Reinhold Niebuhr

In the Ninth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – comfort in His Presence; permission to be happy; coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I cannot adequately make amends without the comfort of my Heavenly Father. I need His help to right my wrongs.

My Higher Power’s presence is most tangible when I am still and quiet; my heart has a chance to have a good listen when I stop trying so hard to anticipate what He is communicating to me. He also comforts me with the presence of others in recovery.

In the Tenth Step of recovery, my Higher Power gave to me – acceptance through surrender; comfort in His presence; permission to be happy; coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Life’s Punctuation

It is not unheard of to experience victory over one area of struggle, only to have another temptation rear its ugly head.

But, when I let God pick me up out of the pit I’m wallowing in, I have a much better vantage point.

In the Twelfth Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – a way to pay it forward; a better perspective; comfort in His presence; permission to be happy; coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs.

As my drinking left my life, the vacuum was filled with peace, comfort and healthy relationships. Sobriety gave me a second chance to be the wife and mother my family deserved.

It is my privilege to pay forward my experience in recovery, so others can realize that addiction is a treatable disease and that recovery is possible. Recovery saves lives.

I can’t wait to see what the next twelve years of recovery will bring!

Jana Greene is a Jesus freak, wife, mother, recovering alcoholic, author and blogger at thebeggarsbakery.com. In 2001, she surrendered her will to Jesus and is still surrendering it on a daily basis. She writes to let others know where to find the Bread of Life. She lives with her husband, daughters and kitty cats in North Carolina.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

The only formula I know that works is: Daily Surrender to God + Hard Work You Don’t Feel Like Doing + Serving Others = A Forward-Moving Recovery

I am still one drink away from repeating my old, self-destructive patterns. Accountability to a group is essential.

In the Eleventh Step of Recovery, Higher Power gave to me – a better perspective; comfort in His presence; permission to be happy; coping skills for living; mercy overflowing; fine clar-i-ty! Grace through massive changes; hope for a future; boundless, steady love; and a serving of humility.

30

Meditation

In Recovery Magazine

By Mike Lyding

T

here will always be times when we are disappointed in ourselves. Our pre-recovery stories have examples of this type of thinking. We hope, in a Pollyanna fashion, recovery will end all our embarrassing escapades. However, our stories are not quite over.

There’s always a sequel.

We want to put a period where God puts a comma.

Some events are so serious that we put a period after them – thinking we are hopeless, unworthy and unloved by God. We may see relapse as a place where we put a period – somehow we were not chosen for recovery. But relapse, too, can be part of our ever-unfolding stories.

We may want to add another period when something occurs, and we totally lose it – where we rage and cause damage. However, despite our shame and embarrassment, this episode, too, has a comma after it – not a period.

The true issue is what comes after that comma.

We may also want to put a period after our recovery date – sober forever, clean forever, never going to place another bet and so on. However, recovery itself is a comma, not a period.

What is important remains the same – what comes after that comma?

If I reflect on the “punctuation” of my life story, I see a clear picture of my powerlessness. We may want to be worthless, but God does not want us to be worthless. We may want our recovery to be permanent, but God may have other ideas for us.

Events in our lives don’t end with periods; they are all punctuated with God’s commas.

God pulls off the rest of our stories.

Mike Lyding was born in 1945 in Phoenix, Arizona. Since becoming sober in December 1993, he has been drawn to prayer and meditation. While meditating at age 58, he learned he had a desire to write. So far, the result has been two daily meditation books primarily for the recovering communities, Grateful Not Smug (2006) and Gratitude a Verb (2009).

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

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928-778-4000

2069 Willow Creek Road, Suite A, Prescott, AZ 86301

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www.HepburnCapital.com

31

H--PE.

The Light Bulb Finally Came On

By Jon G. US Navy (1982-2003)

A years.

t the age of 16, I began smoking pot. My parents were getting divorced, and I thought it was the end of the world. I had been in emotional pain for a couple of

When I was 14 years old, my best friend died from a heart murmur while sitting beside me at a high school basketball game. It was tragic and devastating for everyone. I can still recall the sequence of events: first, my friend having a seizure; me screaming to anyone who would listen that we needed a doctor; then school officials stopping the basketball game; finally, to the ambulance taking him away. I had no idea how to cope with the situation. Who would at that age?

On that day, I began to isolate from society.

The first time I smoked pot, my friends said my eyes were red, but I don’t remember feeling anything. As time went on, the effects of the dope improved. It numbed my emotional pain; I could forget, at least temporarily, my friend’s death and my parents’ subsequent divorce.

Sports were my life. Everyone in my small town knew my name because I was the highest basketball point scorer in the county. I was also very good at baseball. Ironically, at the same time, I was both the biggest jock and the biggest dope head in the school. I smoked, drank, took LSD and PCP. Eventually the dope won, and I was kicked out of school. Bye-bye, Mister Jock. Welcome to the real world.

After working several factory jobs in Indiana and Arizona, I joined the US Navy in 1982. I thought there had to be more to life than slaving away all day, every day.

The first four years in the service did not change my using habits much. A majority of the people I worked with got high.

The sailors who administered the urinalysis also got high, so it was easy to cheat.

I got married in 1986. From then until my divorce in 1996, I seldom if ever used illegal drugs – though I certainly did my share of drinking. Once in awhile I would take my wife’s muscle relaxers or pain meds, but I also went to my own doctor to obtain a prescription for the same drugs.

While still in the Navy, I married again in 1999. Prior to my leaving the military, I had five separate surgeries on my knees, feet and hands. My addiction really started to take off.

When I retired from the Navy in 2003, I was addicted to gambling and any painkiller I could get my hands on. I was going to Mexico on a regular basis and smuggling OxyContin across the border, neglecting not only my welfare, but that of my family as well.

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In 2004, I was admitted in San Diego to my first treatment center. It was an inpatient, 30-day residential program. But once I left, my sobriety didn’t last long. I had acquired a great deal of information, but I wasn’t willing to do the work necessary to stay clean.

I found a prospective job online in Tucson, Arizona. My mom and her parents lived in Prescott, Arizona. A move to Arizona would bring us closer to my family. My wife went to stay at her sister’s house with our two small children while I went to Tucson to secure the job.

My wife and kids came to visit me from time to time and eventually moved back in with me; but after about two months, she decided to leave. The circumstances of our separation were not entirely due to my using, but that surely didn’t help matters. Regardless of the reasons, I was now on my own.

In June 2005, during one of my kids’ visitations with me in Tucson, I accidentally overdosed on prescription meds and was taken to the hospital via ambulance. Once released from the hospital, I found an outpatient treatment facility. Although I was a ‘functioning’ addict in that I held down a job, I knew I was headed toward a premature death if I did not change.

I have been to five different treatment programs in the last two years. What stood out to me the most about Viewpoint was that the program is actually individualized. The other programs I’ve been to claimed to be unique for each person, but the treatment I received was always the same as everyone else’s. I am so grateful to Viewpoint because now I have a recovery program specific to my needs and diagnosis. I am rec truly committed to facing my issues and learning how to live a life without drugs and alcohol while managing my depression.

—Bret M.

w w w . v i e w p o i n t d u a l r e c o v e r y . c o m

I went through that treatment center twice. It was a ten-week program, requiring Twelve Step meetings three times a week.

I received all the knowledge I needed to stay sober, but I was seeking treatment for every reason except the most important one: me. I really wasn’t willing to do this thing.

Viewpoint Dual Recovery Center is committed to providing clients with the tools needed to bring about healing and provide the opportunity to live a rewarding and fulfilling life. We believe that without properly addressing mental illness through appropriate medication and therapy, any attempts to recover from addiction are ineffective.

Recently, my 13-year-old daughter nearly died when she took some of my medication, which I really didn’t need to have in the house. She actually stopped breathing on the way to the hospital. Soon after that, I accidentally overdosed again.

Acco According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, behavioral therapies and treatment (alone or in combination with medications) are the cornerstone to successful outcomes for many individuals with drug use disorders or other mental illnesses.

The light bulb finally came on. I asked myself, “What will I look back on when I am old and gray? What will I be proud of? What will be my legacy?” I didn’t like my answers. It was then I sought the help of the Tucson VA – this time to get help for me. I knew sobriety would not happen for any other reason.

The counselors at the VA were highly skilled and professional.

I remember my very first day in the Early Recover Session.

The therapist, Bob W., must have known I was new and delved into the heart of the mess I had created of my life. That very first day when I left the session, I felt in my heart I would never use again.

Thanks to that counselor, I have been clean for 130 days. Today I know who I am for the first time in decades. I am me, and I am okay. §

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Research shows that combining treatment medications with behavioral therapy are the best way to ensure success for most patients. Treatment approaches must be tailored to address each patient's drug abuse patterns and drug-related medical, psychiatric and social problems.

We are a true dual diagnosis treatment program that offers structured living environments in conjunction with traditional recovery based treatment programs and cutting-edge behavioral therapies. This aproach helps our clients make true lasting change.

CALL NOW! 877.777.5150 Office: 240 S. Montezuma Street, Suite 201, Prescott, Arizona 86303 Phone: 928.778.5907 Fax: 928.778.5908 Email: info@viewpointdualrecovery.com Winter 2014 In Recovery Magazine More about us: http://www.viewpointdualrecovery.com/InRecovery/

33

Another Kind of War

wasn’t entirely convinced of that. Soon after, I started calling in sick due to hangovers.

My recovery began when Connie, a coworker who knew about the VA, showed up at my house after I had been sent home for ‘looking sick.’ Once home, I continued drinking to take the edge off.

When she arrived, she packed a bag for me and drove me to the VA emergency room. I spent six days in detox, confused and unaware of what happening. Everyone kept telling me it was going to be okay. They said they could help – though I didn’t believe them.

I was young and damaged. No one could help me. I was too far gone.

I spent another two months in a VA contracted halfway house, where I was bussed to and from the VA for group meetings. Although I had been deployed to war zones, this was another kind of war. I relapsed five times during my first year. I was in and out of detox and the psych ward seven times.

By Calista Heath-Martinez US Airforce

I

received an Article 15 for underage drinking five months after arriving at my first duty station. I was sent to the local VA for outpatient substance abuse treatment, as well as a year in the Air Force Alcohol and Drug Abuse Prevention and Treatment (ADAPT) program. I was 19; surely I didn’t have a problem with alcohol!

When I was 14 years old, I started drinking. My first drunk landed me in the hospital in four-point restraints, as well as getting my stomach pumped. I don’t recall much from that night, except that those who I thought were my friends abandoned me when the law became involved.

High school graduation night I had another alcoholrelated incident. I was arrested for Minor in Consumption while sitting on a curb outside my graduation ceremony.

My family was still in the stands, waiting for me to walk with my class.

I enlisted in the service right after high school. I thought the military would shape me up; I would learn to be more disciplined. The thought of wearing my country’s uniform came with great honor. I didn’t realize then that the military had a strong drinking culture; drinking was encouraged and was usually a part of every event.

I went in as a confused teenager looking for a place in this world, a place to fit in, to feel good about myself and the things I had accomplished. I came out quite the opposite.

You’d think after getting an Article 15 that I would stop drinking, but I didn’t. I had a traumatic experience that flipped my world upside down, and my only comfort was alcohol – Everclear and Twister to be exact. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t deserve to feel good; I had disappointed everyone.

34

I pushed away those I loved most. I continued to get into more trouble with alcohol. By then I was in a unit that had a beer vending machine and kegerator. I just received a few slaps on the wrist and was invited once again to drink.

Throughout my ten years in the service, I deployed five times. I found alcohol wherever I went, even though at times drinking wasn’t permitted. I found a way around the three drinks per day limit.

With each drink, my troubles mounted. The person I once was faded into the shadows. I alienated almost everyone.

I needed to drink just to talk to others, to be around others or to be with myself.

After my service, I was hired for a civilian job as an office administrator at a local university. What a shock! It was so different from the military. I couldn’t transition into the way they did things or understand why they did them.

I hated waking up and having to find something to wear, instead of being able to throw on my uniform and boots.

There was nothing I liked about being in the civilian world; I didn’t fit in.

I continued drinking to cope with the changes. It got to a point where seven to eight beers just weren’t enough – I needed more. Seven to eight beers soon became nine, ten, eleven and more beers.

I was forced to resign from my administrative position; recovery became my fulltime job. I sold my home and moved back in with my parents. I started making decisions based solely on my recovery.

I found a home group in my community and began attending meetings regularly. Due to my trust issues, I didn’t get a sponsor right away. But when I did, it was someone with many years of sobriety and experience.

She was gentle, understanding and nonjudgmental – she had what I wanted.

A Weekly Discussion Group “Spiritual Practices Related to the 12 Steps” Topics Include: • Finding a Higher Power • Meditative Practices • Powerless to Powerful (Tools for Turning It Over) Open to all in recovery or with loved ones having substance or process addictions.

A positive path for spiritual

Join us Mondays at 6:00 p.m. in the Unity Education Center 143 S. Arizona St. Prescott

living

While just going to Twelve Step meetings works for some people, I needed outside help. At the VA, I continued to work with a wonderful team of doctors and nurses, as well as a therapist.

This experience created new paths for my life. I found a Higher Power of my understanding. I’ve learned to meditate. The combination of Twelve Step meetings, the VA and mindfulness meditation has contributed immensely to my recovery.

Fourteen years after my first drink, I’m sober. The journey has not been an easy one. I still have strong urges and intrusive thoughts, but I take it one day at a time. I reach out to my Sangha, people in the program and my team at the VA. Recovery is possible for me. It’s possible for you, too.

Today I’m creating a life worth living.

I was no longer out drinking with friends; I was drinking alone at home. It seemed safer there because I didn’t have to drive. My internal war raged on. I couldn’t get a handle on it.

Finally, I reached out to a few coworkers. I told them I thought maybe I had a drinking problem, though I still

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

35

Today I laugh when I read page 101 in the Big Book, “His only chance for sobriety would be someplace like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!”

Some Things Change

By NY Jimmy US Navy

W

ithout sounding like an old Navy salt . . . some things change, and some things remain the same. Drinking has been a tradition in many navies. The British Navy gave sailors daily rations of rum.

The United States Navy was the first to abolish the rum ration, removing it in 1862 – thanks, Abe Lincoln!

I served in the US Navy aboard the aircraft supercarrier, USS Forrestal (CV-59); the USS Alameda County (LST32), a converted LST-31 tank landing ship; and the USS Monrovia (AP-64), an attack troop transport. From 1958 through 1962, I think we had many alcoholics onboard the ships. While I was on active duty, I do not remember hearing anything about AA or treatment.

That was over 50 years ago. Some things have changed; but then as now, drugs and alcohol cause problems.

I look back on those years and remember good shipmates and many great times. I learned a lot about life. I think every man should serve time in the military. In my opinion, we did a disservice to our country by doing away with the draft.

I drank in every port. I drank homemade alcohol overseas that would not be legal in the States. I received the Drinking Champion award on one ship. I was proud of that!

I was often in trouble, going AWOL and sometimes getting back to the ship a few days late. I did brig time and extra duty restriction. I was told many times, if you got drunk, you paid the piper – which I did over and over again. In my mind, though, I was just doing what everyone else was doing.

We learned how to work with a hangover and little sleep.

As soon as liberty call sounded, I was back ashore drinking, 36

yet again, even after saying I was going to rest and not drink that day.

Thank God we went to sea! There was no drinking aboard ship. However, overseas I could buy candy with brandy inside of it. I would put it in my coffee on a cold night’s watch. But going to sea did give me a chance to recuperate.

In spite of it all, I was honorably discharged as a Petty Officer Second Class (E5) after four years of service. At that time, the drinking age was 21 in many states, but service men could drink at any age overseas or at enlisted men’s clubs. Years later, just like on the ocean, there were some calm days; but there were many more storms. I needed help; I was sinking fast and had no life preserver.

In 1976, I did not know anything about recovery.

However, I was twelve-stepped by an actively drinking friend who told me about a homeless shelter called St. Christopher’s Inn, a Franciscan ministry located at Graymoor Spiritual Life Center, just north of New York City. I went; but when they found out I was a veteran, they had me admitted into a 90-day program at the VA Hudson Valley Health Care System in Montrose, Virginia.

Today, I am a sober US Navy veteran and am active in my Twelve Step community. In sobriety, I have been on six cruises, have attended Twelve Step meetings on the cruise ships and have met many new people. Now, when onboard a ship I can sleep in; and I don’t have to paint anything!

Winter 2014

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Thank you, AA. §

Restoring Men’s Lives Since 1988 Our commitment is providing a nurturing and therapeutic environment to our clients compounded with clinical care and services that serve to build a foundation for long-term recovery. This commitment comes with a firm foundation of belief in recovery of the mind, spirit, and body.

That fall we needed the help of icebreakers to get us out of Thule – we almost had to spend the winter there. If we had stayed, I am sure the enlisted men’s club would have been my second home!

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At The Sundance Center, holistic addiction treatment isn’t a catch phrase. Our program is overseen by a full-time, onsite naturopathic physician and a team of master’s level clinicians that take a truly integrative approach to healing. Utilizing traditional and complementary medicines, our clients go on to live sober, satisfying lives.

People used to say, “Why can’t you drink like a normal person?” Today I compare alcoholism to seasickness. I’d been in North Atlantic storms and had never become seasick; yet on the other hand, I got morning-after-sick from alcohol. Some people don’t.

Bodies and minds work differently.

After discharge from the Navy, I join the US Merchant Marines. We sailed into Thule, Greenland from the North Pole, which at the time was part of the Distant Early Warning Line, known as the DEW Line or Early Warning Line. It was a system of radar stations in the far North Arctic region of Canada, with additional stations along the Aleutian Islands and north coast of Alaska. In addition, there were stations on the Faroe Islands, Greenland and Iceland. It was set up to detect incoming Soviet bombers during the Cold War and provide early warning of any sea and land invasions.

Thule had the largest enlisted men’s club I was ever in.

A bottle of beer was cheap, and we had the money to join the club. I still have my membership card #1615. Funny what we hang on to!

Holistic healing for mind, body and spirit.

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Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

37

Truth or Consequences

By Kellogg Patton US Air Force (1976-1999)

L

ast week I read a letter in Dear Abby about a person who had set high education goals. She was very proud of her accomplishments. She wondered why others seemed intimidated by her credentials. Coworkers were standoffish, and friends treated her with mild contempt.

Why didn’t she fit in?

ing were needed for me to recognize that ruminating, awfulizing and the continuous tickertape of thoughts running through my head had to be changed. Living every minute of every day haunted by my past behavior had to go. I finally met it all head-on with the truth that it was me and not them with the problem.

Can you relate to this or another situation in life where you do not, for whatever reason, fit in? Me, too. “Is there something wrong with them or with me?”

Dear Abby’s response was to seek counseling immediately.

Counseling is the key to survival and fosters a rebirth of self.

Here are the lessons I learned.

But how to start . . . psychiatric appointments can be hard to get, and I needed one right now.

I knew that supervisors groaned to see my name on the work roster. Conversations stopped when I walked by. Coworkers resented my credentials. Social alienation and other negative factors contributed to their insecurities – it was not my problem; it was theirs.

My aggressive and often brazen demeanor was just a “thisis-who-I-am-so-get-over-it” bravado. It fooled me and others for many years. This was my perceived reality when actually I had created a distorted universe.

But feelings buried alive never die. Physical manifestations eventually overtook my body, including acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, shingles, panic attacks triggering atrial fibrillation and many trips to cardiac care units. I was in distress with no lifeboat and no one to save me. What happened to the “me” I used to know and love?

Rude Awakening 101: I was wrong. Can a perfectionist be wrong? Make a mistake? Not get the proverbial picture?

The paranoia and anxiety, subsequent depression and self-sabotaging tendencies were tough for ‘someone-whocan-do-no-wrong’ to comprehend. I tried to address these issues myself – unexpressed and deeply suppressed feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, inadequacy, frustration and narcissistic perfectionism – but realized I needed help.

The hardest part of change is recognizing there is a problem. Vigilant awareness and cognitive behavioral train38

My journey to normalcy started with a lifesaving book, Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. In the first few pages, I knew he wrote this book especially for me. The book nailed my existence – I was living within a distorted perception of self – manifested by narcissism, perfectionism, borderline personality disorder, severe depression and plenty of angst. I was a mess with no self-esteem.

I thought I had bunches of self-esteem. I was shocked to learn the hard truth of who I really was and awed to realize I needed help.

All these years flaunting my accomplishments – my college degrees, a retired military officer, etc. – was that not self-esteem? Wow. All my accomplishments in life were not self-esteem, but rather pseudo self-esteem.

No way. I was at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid – self-actualization. I thought I had arrived, and you’re telling me it was all pseudo-stuff?

The person I loved (me) was a Captain, USAF, retired, with a PhD. Tear down the bravado, peel back the outer skins of the proverbial onion and seek personal truth; and to my amazement, I realized I was an insecure, narcissistic, over-educated, eccentric, aggressive, unhappy and depressed 55-year-old child. Without my accomplishments, I was a nobody – just a scared puppy dog craving attention.

Ouch.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

After continuous self-exploration, guided by qualified psychological, medical, holistic and spiritual therapists, I came to understand how I became this way.

Baby steps were necessary to grow into the person I really wanted to be, but due to my childhood was never allowed to be. My hypnotherapist helped me face my deep-seated needs for recognition, approval and security. I realized I was satisfying my insecurities with food and men, desperately seeking acceptance and love.

Feeling is a strange experience after decades of suppression. The challenge and fun for my future is staying and living in the present, recognizing old habits, immediately processing them into healthy cognitive behaviors and continuing self-discovery through following my intuition.

I now know God as my Higher Power – instead of my EGO (Edging God Out) controlling the direction of my life.

Learning to “Let go and let God” takes persistent work, but the results are rewarding.

I am ecstatic to begin life again at the bottom rung of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, working my way up through safety and security, self-esteem and social needs. My quest to incorporate realistic and holistic outlooks continues.

The phoenix within me is rising from the ashes – though sometimes, in all her glory, she looks around and retreats back into the ashes.

My all-encompassing craving for recognition has been neutralized. I know and choose who I am. I love me. The concrete wall built into my psyche to protect me from hurt and pain is gone. What emerges now is my creative, artistic, freely-expressive self. In helping others, I realize there is another side to my addictions. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My healing continues to progress. I incorporated a Twelve Step program into recovering my unique self. I take a deep breath and rise a little further above the ashes.

Daily I meet and greet the sunrise with upbeat affirmations. I constantly do a “feelings check” to stay in the now and express whatever feeling is now. I give thanks to my spirit guides and to God for life and life’s love. Each day I ask my God what is on the day’s agenda.

As I learn how life really works, spiritual paths open in front of me. My recovery and rebirth involve healing through kinesiology, reflexology, iridology, lymphosizing and massage. I also manage my stress through yoga, quilting and swimming. I learn to release physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, psychological blocks and cumulative stressors.

My physical symptoms lessen or disappear.

The integration of my mind and body into who I am today took a lot of work. I accept it, feel it, choose it, own it and love it. I am happy with it.

The discovery of the spiritual and metaphysical worlds adds incredible joy and love to every day. For many years I was at odds with the concept of church. Spiritualist philosophies brought me back into the fold through their teachings on guided meditation, awareness of the “now” and past-life regression. I’ve found spiritual support from ministers and friends, and acceptance by the congregation.

Winter 2014

What a glorious rebirth of self.

Copyright 2013 Kellogg Patton

Kellogg Patton is a retired US Air Force 1976-1999, but the true

heart and soul of who she is KelloggsQuilts.com. She has been clean and sober for six years. Yoga and quilting help her balance her mental and physical challenges. She is now the Kellogg she always wanted to be. Kellogg’s higher power (aka Buzz Lightyear) knew she had it in her to recover, but she had to dig deep and trust her intuition to be who she is today.

In Recovery Magazine

39

From Soldier to Substance Abuse

By Colin S.

I

n late summer and fall of 2001, our nation was under attack in a manner unheard of to date. The attack on the World Trade Center on September 11 is etched into the minds of Americans across this country. Terrorists wanting to demoralize our citizens and threaten our freedoms brought a holy war – a fanatical Jihad – to our soil. This is where my story begins . . .

enemy tracer rounds from small arms being sporadically fired into the air.

With sirens sounding, we bedded down for our first night in hostile territory. Soon after, the FOB got hit with the first of many enemy insurgent barrages of mortar-round attacks.

This incident was the first of many traumatic stressors.

After seeing the horrible devastation and feeling the sor- Less than a month after arriving in Iraq, our brigade began row and sadness as the news swept to have its first casualties. Three of across our entire nation, I felt an our soldiers from the civil-military I chose to fill that void with immediate sense of, “How dare they liaison team were killed by an insurdrugs; they numbed my pain gent wearing a SVIED – suicide vest attack my country!” I wanted to be part of not letting another group explosive device. There and made me forget, at least improvised of lunatics harm another hair on were also civilian casualties. another American head ever again. temporarily. I thought this I wanted to retaliate and take the A little over a month later, my comwas the only way to control pany suffered four more casualties. fight to them. So I enlisted in the Army as an infantryman.

These four soldiers were killed when my feelings and emotions. an IED, placed at the side of the road After basic training and Army Unfortunately, this jeopardized in the carcass of a dead animal, detinfantry school, my combined arms onated just as their Humvee passed . my life, my health and my battalion was called up for a tour of freedom. duty in Iraq. Before we could go into The four men killed were all friends Iraq, we flew into Kuwait as part of of mine. But the death of my close our acclimatization. The realization of being in a hostile friend – the SFC who sat next to me on the Chinook as we country didn’t really hit me until we got on the Chinooks arrived in Iraq – really tore me up. He was gone, and I was that were flying us to our forward observation base (FOB) never going to see him again. This plagued me for the rest about 15 miles south of Baghdad. of the time I was in Iraq.

While in the Chinook, I looked around at the faces of my fellow brothers-in-arms. Some looked a little scared, some calm, while others had a look of determination. A good friend of mine, a Sergeant First Class (SFC), was sitting at the very back of the Chinook. He tapped me on the leg and motioned for me to look at the hull of the chopper, pointing to bullet holes a fraction of an inch away from the Chinook’s main hydraulic lines.

As I turned my head to look back at my friend, I glimpsed the Airman (Air Force crew member) looking at me. He moved the headset mic away from his mouth, smiled and motioned with his head to the bullet holes. Still smiling he said, “Lucky day.”

As we descended on the FOB landing pad, hoping to make contact with one of the chopper transports, I saw incoming 40

The loss of my brothers-in-arms really hit after I returned home. Why was I allowed to live while they were not? This led me into sadness and depression mixed with grief and sorrow. I didn’t feel good about myself. I wanted to find something to make me feel good – good about the man I was, good about being a soldier who fought for his country.

People came up to me and said that I was a hero. I didn’t feel like a hero. To me the real heroes were the ones who didn’t come home. The fact that I came home and they didn’t gave me an emptiness and longing I needed to fill.

I chose to fill that void with drugs; they numbed my pain and made me forget, at least temporarily. I thought this was the only way to control my feelings and emotions.

Unfortunately, this jeopardized my life, my health and my freedom.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

This was my irrational thinking – if I avoided the feelings and emotions, they would go away. Boy, how wrong I was. When I wasn’t high, the feelings and emotions came upon me like a wildfire racing through dry brush.

I used drugs until I couldn’t see the world; so I could hide; so I could make everything appear as a fog. I became careless with my life. I started associating with the wrong people; my use of drugs eventually landed me in trouble with the law. I was arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia, a class six felony; and I went to jail.

While I was in jail, my probation officer discovered that I was a veteran and asked why that was not brought up during my sentencing.

I had no answer. I believed that even though I was a military combat veteran, I deserved to be locked up.

I thank God my probation officer did not agree with me. She contacted Veterans Affairs and had a representative come and talk to me while I was in jail. I told him that I was there because my life was unmanageable due to my addiction and that I wanted and needed help. Two weeks later, I entered the Tucson VA inpatient substance abuse treatment program.

I have been in the VA program for nine weeks and have learned an immense amount about the disease of addiction, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the underlying causal factors.

Thanks to jail, my probation officer and the addiction therapists at the VA, I have been clean since January 10, 2014.

Today my recovery is what is important to me. I know my life is worth living.

I can honor the memories of my brothers-inarms and my dear friend without relapse and drug use.

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

41

Sleeping by a Dumpster

SUPPORT WITHOUT QUESTION. GUIDANCE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. ACCEPTANCE WITHOUT RESERVATION.

By Dewayne R. US Air Force (1967-1988)

T

hree years, six months and ten days ago (not that I’m counting), I was sleeping by a dumpster behind the bar where I drank for 35 years. I woke up in my normal stupor, got on one knee and said, “God help me.”

I called my wife and asked her for a ride to the VA. That decision changed my life forever.

Until then, I had no purpose. Yes, I had been fairly successful in life. I retired twice, first after 21 years in the Air Force and later as an instructor for a local community college.

I had two retirement pensions. I also qualified for Social Security. Money was not the problem – living life on life’s terms was the problem.

During my 50 years of drinking, I’d had a few short periods of abstinence. Until I learned the difference between abstinence and recovery, I was going nowhere fast.

My difficult journey began at a very young age, starting with a dysfunctional family and continuing with my addicted friends. I had been to at least five of the best rehab programs available during my Air Force career and my civilian life. I have done everything an alcoholic does in their addiction – and maybe more than some alcoholics – so I will not bore you with my drunk-a-log. My journey into recovery started when I found myself homeless (by choice), broke and depressed.

In all those years, it took one man who explained to me what my problem was; he was an addiction therapist for the VA Substance Use Disorders Treatment Program (SUDTP).

This man told me I did not ever have to drink again as long as I lived.

telling me made sense, and I knew I ought to listen to this man. This was my first step to an effective recovery. Once I became teachable and accepted my addiction, I moved forward into a new life. I took my addiction out of my brain and put it into my heart.

I checked myself into the VA SUDTP, which was so freely offered to me. In this program I was exposed to “reliable treatment” (the truth about me). I attended numerous groups and therapy sessions that pulled me out of denial and quit believing the lies I was telling myself. While having gratitude for what God had allowed to happen in my life, I learned to love and respect myself and others. The book of my life cannot be rewritten, but the ending can be changed.

My life now changes each day, each hour and each moment because I am involved in the lives of other individuals in successful recovery. My relationships with my children and grandchildren have become ones of trust and respect. I am no longer dishonest and self-centered about who I am. I am now very aware of my triggers, thoughts and emotions and I have the tools, knowledge and desire to stay sober.

My wife, who has stood by me for 48 years, got the brunt of my addiction and the heartache that accompanied it. This caused her suffering and pain that was undeserved, though she was always there to support me in whatever path I took.

It is no surprise that today she loves me cautiously, even after my period of time in recovery.

I looked at him and said, “How can you say that to me?

Drinking is what I have done for over 50 years – how can this be true?”

My day begins with a prayer that God will help me not to drink, lie, steal, cheat or hurt someone. Each day I ask Him to put someone in my life I can help. At the age of 69, I do not have enough time left to make up for the pain I have caused the people I love and who love me. But I have made my amends and with that, I am moving on in my life of recovery.

He told me, “The problem is that you don’t know how not to drink. I am going to give you the truth and the tools [to not drink], and you are going to do the work if you really want recovery.”

I now understand that giving in to my addiction means death to me and pain for the people I love. Recovery is the real-life experience keeping me within God’s grace and direction. My recovery is a lifelong journey, and I want it.

In Recovery Magazine

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Our mission is to absolutely insist on doing GOD’s work to compassionately provide a therapeutic 12-step community to support those seeking life in recovery.

All of a sudden, a switch flipped in my brain. What he was 42

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Winter 2014

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43

Grant Me the Serenity

By Rich W. Vietnam Veteran

M

y name is Rich, and I am an alcoholic. I remember the first time I stood up in an AA meeting and spoke those words. It was something I once said would never happen. Nevertheless, it began a process which demanded I make that statement of recognition. That was the only way I could make what I had into a life worth living.

As a child, I had little interaction with my father. At 19, he was a successful business owner. He achieved this by impressing people with his intelligence, tenacity and hard work. However, he was rarely available as a parent.

To emulate my father, I started delivering newspapers when I was twelve years old. Others my age worked for awhile then quit. I took their customers and built my route. This gave me the attitude that I fit in with a more mature group rather than with my contemporaries. I became one of the “cool” guys. I built my life on my image of a successful man.

Another early influence was my uncle who served in WWII and returned missing an arm. He was a drunk who would come to my mother and me for help, yet I viewed him as a hero. This relationship continued until I began my own military service.

Since I had a talent for music in junior high, I was invited to join the American Legion Band. As a result, I became involved with a group of older men, all of whom were veterans of WWII and/or Korea. Most of them were hardpartying, hard-drinking men.

I began playing in a rock ‘n’ roll band in high school, spending weekends in bars and clubs. Alcohol was readily available, and I would partake. It seemed everyone was drinking, and I saw it as a way to fit in. This was all part of my image of how a ‘real’ man lived. I felt I was where I belonged.

When I started college, I joined a fraternity that had the best parties. The school forbade drinking, but generally turned a blind eye. I had a grand ol’ time! I scraped by with minimal effort.

My association with the older band members at the American Legion made a military career attractive to me.

My college had an ROTC program. I started my military career with an ideal in mind – an intensely patriotic, hardcharging, hard-partying and hard-drinking military man.

The Vietnam War was cranking up. Training was not ter44

ribly difficult; there was plenty of time to let off steam.

I finished at the top of my class and was able to select my first assignment. I chose Germany, the land of the giant beer keg and wine fests in each little town down the river.

Our commander demanded an Officer’s Call at the club every Friday – some say the military trained us to be good drunks.

new wife feared my drinking would cause us to lose everything. It was not an unreasonable fear. So, my solution was to come home at night and drink myself stupid . . . alone.

Drinking began to affect my job performance. I would stop cold turkey, which could last as long as two weeks. I always fell back into the same behavior. Going to work with no rest and the lingering effects of alcohol eventually became too much. There was a government cut in spending on the project, and I was let go.

The change in lifestyle was radical – I drank into the early hours of the morning, then slept until noon. By then my wife and I had been married over 30 years, and our marriage was rocky.

I deployed to Vietnam. Although I was married with two children, I couldn’t wait to go. Politicians quit calling it a war even though people were shooting at us!

I didn’t want a separation or a divorce; I hoped for some reconciliation. I just needed to see how that could be accomplished.

Despite the loss of friends and the horrors of combat, in some ways it was my best year of military service. I would finish a mission, sit down and drink myself stupid; then start the next day and do it all over again. I lived up to the image of the person I thought I was supposed to be.

Since my retirement, I had used the VA facility for my healthcare. Working through my primary care physician, I was seen in the Mental Health Facility/Substance Use Disorder Therapy Clinic for my alcohol use. My wife and I began attending couple’s therapy to build a better basis for communication. She assured me she, too, wanted to remain married.

My training assignment after Vietnam was much less glamorous. Many of the people I was stationed with were also Vietnam returnees; we spent much of our time in “thereI-was” mode. There would be a jam session at the shop most Fridays after work lasting late into the night. The jam sessions included copious amounts of beer.

I was there for over six years. During that time I became less enchanted with my job and more dependent on alcohol. My wife attempted to make a more meaningful life for herself. She kept telling me that she wasn’t happy. On one occasion she packed up our children and left. I went after her and convinced her to return.

Thinking a better job would help, I requested reassignment to Germany in my first career field. I was accepted.

My wife refused to go, and we eventually divorced. She died of cancer several years later. My daughter told me my wife had left a note in her journal during our time in Germany.

The note said she simply could not continue living with a drunk.

As a single man in Germany, my activities focused on alcohol, available women and continuous partying. After a time, I met a woman. When it came time for me to return to the States, she was willing to leave her husband and join me. We did a lot of drinking and partying.

I completed my service, retired and took a job working for the US Army at Fort Huachuca in Arizona. This job was sensitive, and I was required “to keep my nose clean.” My

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

After an initial evaluation, I entered a recovery program with daily group sessions. I was amazed to find my problems were far from unique. The instructor provided me with insight into the life changes necessary to live without alcohol and the need to be responsible for my own actions.

They introduced me to various programs that provided continuing support for recovery; the most attractive to me was Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

I now attend regular AA meetings at the VA facility. I am most comfortable with those who have shared similar experiences; there are many reminders that I am not unique.

Their stories have given me confidence that a successful, sober life is attainable and sustainable.

I have been clean and sober for 15 months now, and I am thankful every day for the change in my life. I am reminded by one of my brothers at nearly every meeting, “If you go to bed sober, you will wake up sober.” I have better relationships with my wife and kids. Every day I pray, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

My hope is that my story gives one of my brothers or sisters the courage to look at their lives and find a path to recovery.

It is not an easy road, but there are many shoulders to lean on and soft words of encouragement from fellow travelers.

You need only ask for help. § Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

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45

We Do Not Choose

By Sara Berelsman

We do not choose mental illness, and we do not choose addiction.

I

f you think otherwise, get on your knees and thank God you have never experienced the horror of addiction, the suffering of mental illness – that you were born with a “normal” brain.

tarily making the puckering motion made while inhaling a cigarette. They would pucker up and then twitch back to normal. I was scared as hell. I woke my partner, telling him I didn’t feel right. I couldn’t stop. This went on for hours.

I didn’t choose to become an alcoholic. Addicts like me are born addicts. We have a genetic predisposition – our brains don’t signal us when enough is enough. And it’s never enough. Never!

For the next 24 hours I would lie down, get up, lie down, get up, lie down and get up. When I was walking, I felt uncomfortable. When I was lying down, I felt uncomfortable. I was painfully uncomfortable for hours. My heart was beating out of my chest. My skin was crawling so badly; I wanted to jump out of it. I couldn’t breathe. With every passing millisecond, I told myself I would live through this.

Anxiety is real – very real. Depression is real – horribly and terribly real. I’m a person with everything going for me.

Please tell me why I’d choose to feel suicidal or choose to be bipolar. It hurts when people minimize depression and trivialize the very real thoughts I’ve had about wanting to kill myself.

Addicts crave a high. Once the high is achieved, the brain automatically chases the next level of high. It’s an elevator rising to the top, but stopping at every floor. Suddenly it takes off by itself; no one is pushing the buttons except the addiction.

I was feeling better in many ways, so I stopped taking my mood stabilizers. This often occurs in people with a bipolar disorder; I thought I didn’t need that medication anymore.

The thing was, I was feeling better because I was taking the remedy. In order to continue to feel good, I had to keep taking my prescription. But when you’re manic, that doesn’t make sense.

I started having a bit of writer’s block; so I thought maybe by ingesting as much caffeine and nicotine as possible, I’d push myself into a nice manic mood and feel inspired to write. I did become manic, but it was not a good manic – wasn’t euphoric this time. It was filled with agitation, restlessness and extreme discomfort. Thoughts at lightning fast speed, flashes of colors and lights. A manic brain burning, burning and burning.

I ran out of Ativan. I was out of cartridges for my electronic cigarette. I wanted more, but I didn’t have any more. It was the middle of the night, and I’d been awake for days.

I started having withdrawal symptoms. I was shaking all over. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t lie down because when I tried my legs would thrash around involuntarily. My arms were flailing. I paced and paced and paced around the house.

Really scary stuff started happening. My lips were involun46

In the midst of this withdrawal hell, I decided I really did want to live.

Thursday morning came. I couldn’t drive my daughter to school. I couldn’t function. I was outside of my body looking down at myself. I was having a panic attack.

I called about ten people before someone answered. It was my daughter’s preschool teacher. I told her, “Ummm . . .

I was wondering if there’s any way you could drive [my daughter] to school? I’m having a panic attack, and I can’t function.” My voice cracked, “I’m gonna start crying.” She said it’s okay, and she would drive my daughter to school.

When I was living through the darkest, scariest part of this ordeal, I knew I was no different than Philip Seymour Hoffman. It was hurtful to read the comments on Facebook following Hoffman’s death.

When she got to my house, she came in; the sun was shining directly on her through the kitchen window. She was an angel – here to save me.

Addicts are addicts! I completely get it. The feeling of not wanting to feel is not something we choose. We do not choose this.

Due to pacing around the hardwood floors and walking up and down the stairs of our house nonstop for days, my feet were raw. My body ached as if I had just run a marathon; my joints were swollen; every part of my body was throbbing.

Addiction is an equal opportunity disease. It doesn’t care how much money you have, how well you can sing or how many Oscars you’ve won. We do not choose this!

My mom came over and confiscated my electronic cigarette, which I gladly handed over. Part of me wanted to lie down now, but I was still anxious. I pulled snow boots on, threw a coat on over my sweats and took a walk.

Having a mental illness is a disease just like cancer.

Should you ever experience it, you’d understand. You’d realize the difficulties of living with abnormal brain chemistry.

As I walked down the street, suddenly everything seemed perfectly peaceful. I was still in pain, but all of a sudden I knew that everything would be okay. I heard the birds chirping in the trees, which for the first time in months sounded beautiful. The snow was pristine and sparkling.

I could see my breath; I knew I was alive.

We do not choose mental illness, and we do not choose addiction.

Sara Berelsman has an MA in literature and writes for a couple of newspapers in a small Ohio town where she lives with her husband and two daughters. She is in school to become a substance abuse counselor. Berelsman’s memoir about her alcoholism, My Last Rock Bottom, was recently published.

On Friday I went to the psychiatrist, and I’m back on mood stabilizers. This time I will stay on them.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

47

The Road to Trauma Recovery

By Robert James Coons

W

hen human beings undergo trauma, whether physical or emotional, neurological cues are put in place to block pain from being experienced. These cues manifest emotionally and physically from the onset of the trauma through the end of the healing period.

People who experience major traumatic events may develop what is commonly referred to as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Those who are chemically dependent may also suffer from similar problems, which can present both physically and emotionally.

These problems are evident in what I have identified as two separate cycles. Understanding these cycles can make recovery from trauma easier.

The initial cycle is blocking – a process in which people physically and emotionally protect themselves from the trauma. The body requires physical protection during the immediate danger and during healing, but emotional protection is often maintained long after an injury is sustained.

Blocking is a linguistically-based cue designed to protect the individual from re-experiencing the trauma. A good example would be when an alcoholic frequently reminds herself not to drink. A more subtle version is in the case of abuse victims who create an internal dialogue that helps them make sense of their experience.

This behavior is useful during the early phases of recovery. Unfortunately, many people do not know how to stop this negative “self-talk”, which may continue for many years.

Subsequently, they retreat emotionally and carry a sense of paranoia and mistrust of themselves and others. This may contribute to physical symptoms such as tight muscles, jaw clenching, and various muscular, skeletal and physio-emotional holding patterns, which reduce the body’s overall health.

The second cycle, called holding, occurs after an initial phase of blocking. It is characterized by a desire to release the emotional issues surrounding the trauma and to cycle them out into the world in an attempt to face the previous blocking behavior.

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This type of social release typically occurs through the discussion of problems with friends, family members, mental health professionals or in a peer group setting. This process is helpful in releasing and coming to terms with trauma, but if overused, may become a cyclical attempt to use discussion and expression cathartically to mitigate the pain.

Both phases are important in that they provide safety to the individual from the original trauma long enough to succeed in recovery. After they have recovered sufficiently, the goal is to abandon the blocking phase, then the holding phase as the individual becomes healthier.

Any serious traumatic incident requires several years of recovery on both physical and emotional levels, but this should not be a lifelong process. While recovering, you have a real chance to improve your situation by focusing on some key points: • • • • • •

Extend kindness to yourself.

Take time to be calm each day.

Observe healthy sleep cycles.

Exercise according to your physical ability.

Be aware of your emotional landscape.

Understand that recovery requires time.

The three most important of these points are extending kindness, taking time to be calm and being aware of one’s emotional landscape. The other points may be implemented according to the needs of the individual.

Kindness to oneself is akin to self-love or compassion. It is the beginning of a true recovery.

Many people find it difficult to come to terms with both the root cause and the lingering effects of trauma. They tend to dwell on their undesirable situation. In many cases of accident, addiction or abuse, people tend to use self-blame to justify their disabled or dysfunctional lifestyle. Kindness helps the individual understand that living a happy life is more important than the cause of the trauma and the resulting complications.

Many victims experience feelings of guilt, shame or

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

anger about the people involved in the trauma. These feelings may cause the individual to have difficulty communicating with others, building walls around themselves emotionally and even physically.

Wall-building behavior is a defense mechanism used to block further trauma. The person pursuing recovery is hindered by negative and unresolved emotions. Kindness is a way to adjust this situation and gradually begin to forgive oneself and then to forgive others.

Being kind may start with the affirmation, “I love and care for myself.” In my case, this affirmation was, “I love myself; it is time for me to heal.” An affirmation is deeply personal. No matter how it is worded, the emphasis should be on the desire to heal based on caring for oneself.

Kindness also extends to being willing to do less – to slow down and respect the process of healing. If someone breaks a leg and after a week begins attempting to walk without assistance, they will complicate and perhaps hinder their healing process. So it is with emotional trauma.

Many people recovering from trauma push their recovery forward too quickly in an attempt to do positive things, but this can be another means of blocking. The mind is confused with busyness, which allows people to ignore their emotional pain, thereby causing emotions to intensify and the nervous system to max out – similar to a maxedout credit card after a spending spree.

Gradual improvements ensure tranquility.

The nervous system normally repairs itself during deep sleep; but for many people with PTS symptoms, there may be problems getting enough sleep due to pain or emotional stress.

In my opinion, the nervous system should be allowed to relax for at least one full hour every day. A practical remedy for this is simply to force yourself to be inactive for a certain amount of time each day. An hour of inactivity will dramatically improve your level of emotional calm, whether upon awakening or later in the day.

I don’t mean you should watch an extra hour of TV each Winter 2014

day. I mean truly doing nothing – not moving, not thinking and not even particularly focusing on the breath. The feeling is easiest to attain by lying with a pillow under your head on the floor or on a sofa. Allow your body to fully relax.

Imagine your body melting into the floor or gravity pulling your body downward. The idea is to let the muscles relax. There are many types of practices that allow one to achieve this state, but this is a good way to start.

The final aspect of a full recovery is awareness of personal emotions and how they operate.

Language may be used as a self-control mechanism and a way to evaluate relationships within the world. It may also be misused to control emotions.

It is best to experience emotions as they occur, not to verbally shut them down. If the emotion is negative, simply feel it as it begins, rises, peaks, plateaus, falls away and disappears. If it is positive, also use this method. Upbeat emotions can result in positive responses from others which may lessen the problems of blocking and holding. Again, this is a good way to begin releasing emotions, but there are many other ways to assist this process.

Watching your emotions during recovery gradually teaches you to gauge the importance of emotional and verbal messaging occurring in your brain. You will more clearly separate important emotional impulses, physical needs or actual social issues from impulses resulting from blocking or holding behaviors.

If you are able to use these basic principles, you may find you are able to truly heal, recover and live a healthy and meaningful life.

I wish you a speedy recovery! § Canadian Robert James Coons resides in Guelph, Ontario, Canada. He has worked with many meditation teachers in both Taoist and Buddhist traditions. He has traveled throughout Asia researching meditation, Qi Gong and Taijiquan. He used these practices in his recovery from an accident in his late teens that left him with PTS symptoms. He has practiced, taught and written about these arts for over a decade. He wishes to share his unique approach to healing with as many people as possible. Coons runs a tea business and teaches a meditation group.

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The Mustard Seed

ward to each counseling session. My doctor helped me learn how to break my dependency on others for answers and help.

There were books for me to read and study such as Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap by Barry and Janae Weinhold, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson, The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel (one of my favorites), and The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick (another of my favorites). Because I had so many fears throughout the years, I also was greatly helped by reading Fearless Living by Rhonda Britton.

Despite a pending divorce, my stress levels – so terribly high all these years – were now significantly lower. My anger and pain were almost gone. I was sleeping better, and my health was improving. As I continually sought guidance and strength, I freely prayed aloud around the house.

As I look back and see the mountains that God has already removed from my life and then look forward to those in front me, all I can say is, “Get ready, mountains; here I come!”

Pamela G. is a mother of six home-schooled children, grandmother of nine and a fulltime college student. She enjoys her horses, dogs, cats and chickens, along with gardening, cooking and almost any craft imaginable. In her spare time, Pamela loves building things in her workshop. She is also writing children’s books in her ‘other’ spare time.

But what about that mustard seed? My faith had already moved many of the mountains that had plagued me for years. Through prayer, I learned that my painful experiences were essential in developing a true empathy for other women in similar straits. I began volunteering at the Outreach Services program in my town, along with working at a crisis hotline. This offered me many learning experiences.

By Pam G.

I

have always cherished reading and studying the Bible.

Even as a child, I loved hearing scripture stories and learning of the important messages from God that can help us throughout our lives, especially in troubling times.

My childhood and young adult years were wonderful.

Despite the normal bumps in the road we all experience, life just seemed to smoothly roll along.

Then I met the man of my dreams. He was easy to talk with and was of the same faith. He also loved music and being around family and friends. We had so much in common and had many good conversations. As we looked toward marriage, I had hopes that we could weather any storm head-on, hand-in-hand. I had hopes of a love and a marriage that would last forever.

Little did I realize, I was heading straight into a tornado – a storm of such magnitude that it would almost destroy me. It all began during our engagement and worsened with each passing year. I was demeaned and devalued, lied to, raged at, called horrible names and made to feel stupid. It didn’t take long for me to become very codependent and frightened. Very frightened.

I spent more and more time reading my Bible, looking for answers. Prayer became vital to me every moment of every day. I always had great faith and knew that God was listening to each earnest prayer of mine. I strongly believed He truly loved me, knew my heart and how much I wanted our marriage to work. With each prayer – most said while sob50

God’s plan for my life is unfolding. I have enrolled in college and plan to get a Master’s Degree in Psychology. I want to open a practice counseling other women in emotionally destructive and narcissistic relationships. I know my life will be very hectic and challenging for a few years, but I’ll just keep holding that mustard seed tightly. I won’t let go just because mountains are in front of me.

bing uncontrollably – He told me to be patient and things would get better. I held onto this for many years while I looked for the silver lining among the dark clouds.

I especially love the scripture in Matthew 17:20, “. . . for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” Wow, nothing was impossible! I just needed to be patient and have enough faith that God would work a miracle.

Years passed, and I began to develop health and emotional problems. Retreating to my safe corner seemed easier than confronting the reality of my marriage. And yet, I held tightly to that mustard seed!

Finally in 2012, I’d had all I could handle and took a stand.

I knew for me to survive, I would need to get counseling and plenty of it.

I knew my anger couldn’t continue, so I prayerfully sought help. I found a fantastic counselor who gave me all the tools I needed to heal and become emotionally healthy again.

I learned about my codependent patterns. I also learned how not to be a victim anymore.

For the first time in my life, I began to set boundaries. The changes came slowly at first. Each time I was treated badly, I had to take a deep breath, exhale and relax. I looked for-

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who have experienced the ravages of addiction and who have lived to see the other side. While shows such as Intervention and Celebrity Rehab showcase the dark, ugly side of addiction, Time to Heal highlights the joys of life in recovery.

The purpose of Time to Heal is to bring stories of hope to people who are struggling, rather than to glorify the demoralization which often goes hand-in-hand with active drug addiction. I want to showcase the real hope in recovery. My show’s Facebook group page features an in-depth catalog of addiction resources, including articles, local and national recovery resources and feedback from people in relapse or recovery. I hope viewers who know someone struggling with addiction will draw inspiration from Time to Heal and use as it as part of their outreach to save lives.

Pamela Hemphill lives in Boise, Idaho. For 30 years, she has provided drug addicts and alcoholics with a safe, loving environment in which to learn about and overcome their addictions. Hemphill’s Specialized Treatment & Educational Program Services (S.T.E.P.S.) has helped countless individuals reclaim their lives and, more importantly, their peace of mind. For more information go to Time to Heal, Recovery Talk TV Show on Facebook or Time to Heal on YouTube.

Here at Triple Point, peers help peers understand the three points of life;

The Past, The Present, and The Future.

Through working a strong Twelve Step program we work together to understand the conflicts of our past and present situation.

Then we begin to plan for our future, one day at a time.

Two Locations Specializing in:

PRESCOTT

Structured and Transitional Sober Living

COTTONWOOD Structured Sober Living

For information contact:

Time to Heal

BILL ORICK at 928-899-2699 bill.triplepointhomes@gmail.com

If you are willing to be honest, open minded and want to change your life, we can help.

By Pamela Hemphill

M

y name is Pamela, and I have been in recovery from alcohol and drugs since August 10, 1979.

My search for recovery from alcoholism and addiction began after the birth of my second child in 1975.

For the next four years, I was unable to stay sober. People around me placed bets on my chances saying, “Pam will never be able to sober up.”

cally abused me for years. I spent most of my teenage years in and out of foster homes and juvenile hall.

I had been attending Twelve Step meetings, but had lost faith in myself and the program. However, on August 10, 1979, I had a spiritual awakening. For the first time, I realized I was not sane and needed help. I went back to my Twelve Step program with a renewed spirit; I made a decision to follow the directions as laid out in the program literature.

Despite my losses, I was able to maintain my sobriety by working with others. I went back to college, majoring in psychology and alcohol/drug studies. I later became a certified alcohol and drug counselor. At one time, I owned and operated an outpatient substance abuse treatment center, working mostly with drunk drivers.

I obtained a sponsor and began working the steps immediately. My goal was to remember the two most important things for successful recovery. First, stay in the now and follow my sponsor’s direction – one day at a time. Second, work with others.

I was raised in an extremely abusive family. My mother was a sociopath, and my three stepfathers sexually and physi52

At age 18, I wanted to become a nun; but instead I worked in nude bars for over four years until I found recovery. As a result of my alcoholism, I lost my two children and never regained custody.

Practicing in Prescott Since 2003 Accepting court-ordered, self referrals and, in most cases,major insurances.

A

comprehensive outpatient treatment program, consisting of three phases of treatment, each of which are tailored to suit the individual’s needs and goals, rather than tailoring the individual to meet the ‘program’. At Taylor Counseling Services, we are committed to treating the whole person.

Today, my brother (an artist who has been clean and sober for over 39 years) and I are writing a book of our childhood memories. I continue to work with homeless people, as well as others who are unable to afford counseling services.

I continue to give back what was so freely given to me.

Recently I launched my first community service project.

Time to Heal is a 30-minute talk show aimed at inspiring struggling addicts and their families. I interview guests

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Contact us at

(928) 445-0744 1660 Willow Creek Road, Suite A Prescott, AZ 86305 Winter 2014

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Rez Riders

By Arnie Kahn

T

he Rez Riders are an All Nations Indian motorcycle club with both male and female full patch holders.

The club, in existence in Arizona since 2008, is a non-profit corporation in good standing with the State of Arizona. Our organization is self-supporting through donations and merchandise sales of t-shirts, hats and bandanas. Almost half of the Rez Riders membership has served in the armed forces. They support various Native Veterans events throughout different Indian Nations.

We are a clean and sober, family-oriented club. The club’s general membership is comprised of hundreds of years of combined addiction recovery. We ride our iron horses to provide role models and carry the message of the destructiveness of drugs and alcohol on the reservations to Native youth.

The Rez Riders foster a family environment of Native people dedicated to motorcycle riding and supporting them through charitable acts. We are a brotherhood and sisterhood of All Nations who love to ride the iron horses of modern times. We believe in our culture and work towards living in the good red way of our people – always remembering the price our relatives paid so we can live free. Free to express ourselves, free to unite and free to carry on the old teachings. Our native teachings advise the coming generations that we have a right to practice our ways and that no one can deny us this privilege.

We attend and support Native American pow-wows, baseball teams and other events such as the Hopi Boxing Team and the Miss Hopi, 1st Attendant’s end of reign event for Native American children with special needs. In 2012, the club had $10,000 worth of medical supplies donated to them, which we in turn donated to the Hopi Reservation in Tuba City, Arizona. For the past four years, the Rez Riders have collected gifts from Restoration Ministries and donated those gifts to the 90 residents of a nursing home in Sacaton, Arizona, home of the Gila River Indian 54

Community.

Many of the Rez Rider members practice traditional ceremonies with several being water pourers and fire keepers for various sweat lodges. Others are sun dancers and gourd dancers. The club president is a Northern Traditional Dancer. The Rez Riders do not condone domestic violence or child abuse. Many of their children accompany them to the events they attend.

Creation has given us the duty to watch over our Earth Mother and to practice our language and ways to keep alive the very essence of who we are as indigenous two-leggeds.

We carry this message as we ride, united as one, to different fires throughout America and abroad as we build friendships, meet new family and share the spirit of life with other circles.

In Recovery Magazine

With God, all things are possible.

A structured, faith-based, 12-step program for men Affordably priced between $475 and $600/Mo. Free cable Laundry facility Case management In house groups No deposit Free phone service 34 beds available 928.925.3455 Structure and support Great central location www.prescottsoberliving.net

PSL

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

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Addicted and Homeless

Shockingly, typical street drugs are no longer the only drugs causing problems. Prescription drug abuse in the US is reaching epidemic proportions, with more Americans falling into the darkness of addiction.

By Kelly Langtree

I

never anticipated writing about homelessness and addiction from firsthand experience. Just like everyone else, I had plans and dreams for my life; they certainly did not involve living in a homeless shelter and endlessly searching for pills to inject into my veins.

As lucky as I am to have made it out of the pain and darkness of addiction, every night of the year there are countless people without a roof over their head or a bed to call their own – people struggling with serious substance abuse, addiction and mental illness.

Relatively new initiatives by cities which provide various levels of supportive housing are beginning to take hold.

Known as Housing First, this model takes a recoveryoriented approach. First, the program focuses on providing permanent housing, then on adding support needed to improve physical, mental and social health – such as addiction treatment and social, community and vocational services.

The numbers are rising.

Drug overdose is now the leading cause of injury death in the US, with more deaths attributed to pharmaceuticals than heroin and cocaine combined.

According to the 2013 survey on hunger and homelessness, published by the US Conference of Mayors, there were approximately 610,042 people found to be homeless on any given night in January 2013. Of those, 65 percent were living in emergency shelters or transitional housing, and 35 percent living in unsheltered locations such as abandoned buildings, under bridges or in cars.

Addiction is frequently a precipitating factor to homelessness, as was the case in my situation. After my husband and I were both prescribed heavy painkillers for physical injuries, with next to no monitoring by our family physician, I began to use my prescription opiate pills to numb more than just the physical pain. Not surprisingly, I found the pills were effectively providing relief from my emotional pain; I didn’t realize how dangerous this path would be.

Sadly, there is a huge unmet need for shelter. Of the cities surveyed, 71 percent reported having to turn away families with children, and 66 percent reported having to turn away homeless individuals due to lack of beds.

From taking the medication as prescribed, to chewing it, crushing and snorting it, to eventual intravenous use, it didn’t take long before every last cent was spent on pills.

Anything of value was pawned or sold, and we exhausted any support we could find. There was absolutely nothing left and nowhere to go.

Homelessness should be an impossible issue to ignore, yet in many US cities today, there is an increasing number of laws criminalizing those who desperately need our help – laws against feeding or providing food to homeless people, panhandling and sleeping in public spaces. The seemingly selective enforcement of laws against the homeless continues to perpetuate the homeless cycle, thus reinforcing negative stigmas and stereotypes. Ironically, jailing the homeless is more expensive than providing supportive housing.

It’s a frightening reality to face, especially as a young woman.

Unfortunately, I am far from the only woman who has had to confront homelessness. At first, I was terrified at being one of the few young women in a shelter predominately full of men. The first two weeks were rough. It was impossible for my husband to always be by my side. Being homeless was bad enough; but trying to cope with my active addiction and dealing with incidents of harassment from men in the shelter, I was beyond overwhelmed.

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However, after settling in to this new situation, I met some of the kindest people I have ever encountered in my life.

Sensing my tension and unease, my bunkmate’s husband, one of the older men, went so far as to tell everyone that I was his daughter; hence the others in the shelter were not to bother me. People in the shelter were willing to help us with anything they could, even if it meant leaving themselves with little or nothing. These were regular, everyday people who like so many across the country had lost everything.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) 2011 statistics show that in the US one person dies from a drug overdose every 12.9 minutes – 113 every day, enough to fill over eight 747s a month. Another 6,748 are treated in emergency departments daily.

Imagine – over eight 747s crashing every month!

The numbers are rising. Drug overdose is now the leading cause of injury death in the US, with more deaths attributed to pharmaceuticals than heroin and cocaine combined.

Winter 2014

Rather than punishing drug users, we must provide access to comprehensive harm reduction services. This would include needles exchanges, sterile supplies, safe-use educational materials; the use of methadone and buprenorphine, and naloxone kits. HIV and communicable disease testing must be readily available. In addition, community resources, detox facilities, treatment options, recovery support groups and the like are crucial to returning these citizens to a functional life.

Until they are ready, willing and able to seek the treatment needed to begin the journey to recovery and sobriety, these services would help addicts use safely, reduce communicable diseases and eliminate criminal behavior.

Supportive housing should not be contingent on sobriety, abstinence, employment or mental health status. We all deserve a safe place to sleep and call home, regardless of the problems we have or the level of support we may require.

By providing those in need with the proper substance abuse treatment, access to lifesaving harm reduction services, discrimination-free healthcare and community support, it is possible to end the vicious cycle of addiction and homelessness. § K. Lanktree is a freelance writer, former IV drug user, methadone patient and harm reduction advocate. For more information, check out her blog at studioLonline.net.

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My Promises

By Kyli Weaver

I

t was October 20, 2010, three days after I crawled off a path to certain death. I entered a local treatment center for help. I was shaking from alcohol withdrawal, holding back the ghastly need to puke the bile in my inflamed stomach.

I managed to shower and clean up as well as I could. I looked better than I had in weeks; I was completely unaware of what my appearance must have been. As I sat in a little white office containing a couple of chairs, a desk and a computer, I felt alcohol and sweat oozing from my pores.

I was anxious, nauseated and ready to bolt for fresh air and a drink.

This was a life or death moment. I had to surrender, though at the time I didn’t understand what that meant. God was doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. He glued my butt to a most uncomfortable chair as I squirmed out of my comfort zone.

My case manager, Shelly (not her real name), came in smiling and greeting me as if I were there for a job interview. I glared at her and thought, Can’t you see how pitiful I am?

She shuffled through my paperwork and suggested day treatment. I refused, knowing I needed inpatient treatment. So many questionnaires and papers to fill out! The process was both exciting and nerve-wracking. I began to tell her my story.

I am an adoptee, removed from the horrors of sibling sexual abuse, loved by a family of alcoholics. Once adopted, I grew up with a wonderful family and traveled the world – immersed in a life of theatre and classical music. I met famous people and studied cello with the best teachers. I lost all of this in the last years of my drinking – I even sold my beloved cello to pay a bill and buy booze.

I then showed her the story I wrote days before my intake.

As I sit here in this dingy room, odors of stale beer and alcohol fill the space. Cigarette butts fill the ash trays. Some have left burn marks on the carpet. I look out my front 58

window, shaking violently, wanting to be that person who is walking their dog down the street.

She realized my talent as a writer and gave me an assignment to write about my dreams and the sober life I want to pursue. I shook my head at the assignment, knowing my dreams had been dashed – there was no hope for my future.

Here is what I wrote: Classical music is what I was brought up on, and I love to listen to and play it. My heart deeply yearns to play the cello again so I can release my emotions. I would love to again play in a symphony, a quartet or a duet. ANYTHING! I visualize myself bringing my music into nursing homes or somewhere it would bring peace and comfort to a person.

My home will be small, but comfortable enough for us and my dogs to move about freely. We will be in the country, somewhere with all the seasons. I would have a little music room where I can play, listen to music and teach.

As we both love to cook, my kitchen will be the mainstay of the house. I’ll take cooking classes and even experiment until I get it right.

Our friends will come over for barbeques, throw horse shoes and enjoy the beautiful day.

In late spring, we’ll pack our camping gear and drive across the country for a couple of weeks, camping and fishing. We’ll play music in the forests, letting our music illuminate the skies and trees, not knowing where it will go, but knowing someone out there will hear it.

When we return, we’ll feed the chickens and whatever other animals I have brought home over the years. We’ll settle back and watch baseball, only getting up for snacks and bathroom breaks.

Shelly then had me write out my Promises. The people who fed us at the treatment center were contracted from a nursing home to bring us our meals. I said to another client, “I want to work for this company.”

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

It is now 2014. I cry every time I read The Promises in meetings because I remember the strength and courage it took to write my own Promises.

Five and a half months after left treatment and was attending daily Twelve Step meetings, sometimes three a day, it was time for me to get a job. With the help of a counselor, I landed a job as a chef at a nursing home with the same company I’d envisioned working for while in treatment.

A year and a few months later, I bought myself a cello.

I bring it to work and play for the residents and their families. I also play at some of their funerals, bringing peace to families and friends.

Last year, I attended a women’s retreat in the forest.

I brought my cello and played for everyone; the sound of my music reached the sky. I also played in the forest at a Twelve Step round-up amidst the campers and addicts in recovery.

My husband surprised me with a house. We had spent ten years living in a dilapidated, smelly mobile home, living next door to an old man who was wicked from alcoholism.

While I was at my job or at meetings, my husband had been out house hunting. He bought us the house I had dreamed of while in treatment.

I had saved enough money to buy a truck so we could drive across the country to my husband’s home state of Pennsylvania. I soon realized this gift wasn’t to be taken for granted.

I had the new truck about a week when I was approached by a woman in recovery who provided free bread and food to shelters and recovery homes. She asked me if I was interested in helping her deliver food and working at the soup kitchen, providing meals for the homeless. It was a good way for me to be of service.

Today I have friendships I never imagined possible – friendships without expectations. They lift me up when I succeed and lift me higher when I fail. I am loved for just being me!

With recovery, I clearly see my path. Sometimes there are huge obstacles to overcome. But if I stay focused on just one day, just one moment at a time, and don’t drink just for today, I can achieve anything. § Kyli Weaver is an Ojibway Indian who was adopted by a British actor/director and a Canadian musician. She grew up in Southern California, relocating with her husband in 1997 to Prescott Valley, Arizona. Weaver’s hobbies include playing cello, writing, taking writing classes and enjoying her close-knit circle of friends and a deep bond with nature and God.

• Parole and Probation Departments

Drug & Alcohol Screening Employee Testing

• Treatment Providers • Recovery Homes • Child Protective Services

• Employee Assistance Programs • Employers (both pre-employment and random employee screening)

PRESCOTT AREA SCREENING SERVICES

Delivering quality drug testing services designed to provide immediate and accurate results

• Therapeutic Courts • Self-referrals

1040 Whipple Street, Suite 205, Prescott, AZ 86301

928-445-PASS (7277) Winter 2014

www.passprescott.com

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Walking in a Sober Wonderland

stories. But for an addict in recovery, they can cause depression, anxiety and stress, all of which can trigger a relapse.

Spending time with family can bring up old memories and can turn a happy event into a frightening and emotional situation.

Here are the steps I take to avoid ruining the holiday for me and others: I share memorable and happy stories that have nothing to do with addiction. It helps me feel at ease and takes my mind off unpleasant incidents in my past.

I model positive behavior, especially to younger family members. My children, cousins, nieces and nephews will see how I behave and hopefully mirror my healthy behavior.

If someone in my family is a heavy drinker or uses drugs in front of me, I set boundaries. My family knows I am in recovery and that certain behaviors make me uncomfortable – they usually understand.

By Rebecca Wicks

E V E RY

M

y first Christmas clean and sober was the best gift I could have received. I spent 13 long years as an addict. I never thought it was fair, but I would spend the holidays sneaking off to get high anyway, rather than spending that time with my family. I took my family time for granted – I didn’t realize they wouldn’t be around forever.

In October 2011, I walked out of my addicted life and into recovery. I wasn’t thinking about the holidays ahead or how I could afford Christmas for my two children.

While struggling with my recovery in November 2011, I lost my children through a divorce. I knew how important it was to stay clean and find a job, but my depression and anger were overwhelming.

I cried a lot that December. I had no idea how I was going to give my kids a Christmas. I still didn’t have a job, and I was reeling from the divorce – especially the hurt of losing my children. For the first time, I realized I was likely going to disappoint my kids – and that was just not acceptable.

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as eating. Bills were frequently paid late to make sure we had enough money to cover our drug expenses. We could not get ahead. Our credit was deteriorating, and we were often moving to look for better work that would cover both our bills and our ever-growing addiction.

I knew this time I couldn’t give in to the temptation to use.

If I was dirty, I wasn’t going to get a job. I didn’t know anything about meetings and the help that was available for drug addicts in recovery, but I knew there was no way I was going to go back to that life.

I find new ways to celebrate. I get away from the norm, from doing what I have always done.

I create new traditions and rituals which represent my new lifestyle.

The holidays can be a happy time with loved ones and friends. No matter how rough things are or how many struggles you have in your daily life, Christmas can be a time of love, forgiveness, joy and family.

Stepping away from addiction and accepting recovery into my life was a wish granted. I never understood just how good life could be. Before becoming clean, I remember actually laughing at the thought of not using drugs.

I left my husband of nine years because I wanted to be happy and live a drug-free life. I had wrapped myself up in staying busy, so my mind would be focused on something other than drugs. There was a new man in my life, and I didn’t want to ruin that relationship by using drugs.

At that time, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t think abstinence was even a possibility. I thought I needed drugs to stay content. I used them to block out the depression which I felt every day. Holidays were an excuse to drug even more – to survive the personal disappointments, the unhappiness and the anxiety I felt every holiday season.

In late December, I finally started a new job. I was grateful, but sad there wouldn’t be a paycheck in time for Christmas.

Christmas isn’t about the gifts, but gifts mean a lot to young children.

Now, I happily look forward to the things I missed during that time when I was hiding in the fog of addiction. I celebrate the new me. I am celebrating the holidays for the first time. §

Christmas was always a frustrating time for me. During my entire marriage, I had not spent a single Christmas sober.

We seldom had much money for gifts due to spending $500 to $800 a week on drugs.

My children had a great Christmas due to the generosity of the man I lived with and our families. I was elated to spend that entire day watching my kids play as our newly developing family enjoyed a clean and sober holiday together.

Drugs were part of our everyday life – using was as habitual

The holidays are traditionally a time for friends, family and

64

In Recovery Magazine

MORE THAN A HOUSE

Winter 2014

ABOUT US Carla Vista Sober Living provides a safe and sober environment free from drugs and alcohol based on the 12 steps of recovery. We provide comfortable housing that anyone would call home where genuine life-long friendships are created. The key to success is in a structured program with support from people that understand. You can do it. Your life is waiting.

OUR HOMES When we chose our Carla Vista Sober Living homes, we made sure that they were places anyone would want to call home. We closed 2013 with over 20 homes in Arizona and Colorado. We offer a safe, comfortable, and beautiful environment for you to work on your recovery, reclaim your life, and rediscover your dreams.

LOCATIONS More than 25 homes exclusively for men and women in the following cities: Arizona: Chandler, Gilbert, Mesa & Scottsdale Colorado: Aurora & Colorado Springs

Winter 2014

for all curren residents!

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Rebecca Wicks is an author and internationalist, whose work about drug addiction recovery has been featured in multiple magazines and newspapers. She sets the standard in recovery with her Facebook page Sober and Inspired and blogs: The Inspired Girl and Sober and Inspired on Blogger. Her adventurous spirit and drive to inspire the world through literature is sure here to make an impact and create results!

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In Recovery Magazine

65

When Hollywood Comes Knocking

By Robert Taylor

H

ollywood celebrities began arriving at the posh Beverly Hills L’Ermitage Hotel to walk the red carpet of an Emmy party co-sponsored by My 12 Step Store. Only hours before, the store had moved from Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood to Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood.

Invited celebrities brought their star power to raise awareness for various charities. Some showed their support by designing t-shirts that would be auctioned off for charity. My 12 Step Store set the tone by shining a positive light on the world of recovery, hoping to increase recovery awareness among people in all walks of life. Hollywood familiars, such as Eric McCormack, Jane Kaczmarek, James Woods and Adrian Grenier, along with famed attorney Gloria Allred, stepped onto the red carpet.

My 12 Step Store caters to anyone interested in recovery – from the most famous to the most infamous. Lindsay Eric McCormick Lohan once ran into the store to shop and hide from the chasing paparazzi. Rock ‘n’ Roll legend, Steven Tyler, stopped by to design a t-shirt on his way to his own concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Other celebrities drop in during times of personal crisis.

The store has occasionally found itself smack in the middle of a media frenzy over celebrities who are looking for positive recovery support. The world seems eager to know 66

about their shopping habits and the salacious details of their pre-recovery lives.

During an Entertainment Tonight interview, RJ Holguin, founder of My 12 Step Store, explained, “We respect the anonymity of everyone’s recovery. We never divulge names with Twelve Step program information at the level of press, radio or film. If they choose to do so, it’s their choice. We have to keep our journey on the high road.”

Holguin admitted, “It’s a fine line, but it is possible to enthusiastically celebrate recovery without saying anything about your Twelve Step program or even if you belong to one.

It’s important to bring awareness to the life that’s possible in recovery.

Whether we like it or not, society is influenced by Hollywood celebrities.

Many have been affected by addiction, as well as the industry’s well-known tragic deaths from drug overdoses I, myself, was influenced to consider recovery in 1986 and then to continue with it when I heard of the Hollywood celebrities checking into the Betty Ford Clinic.”

While the store has a significant celebrity clientele, most of its customers are everyday people. Holguin pointed out that much of their business comes from their online store which ships recovery gifts, books and other items worldwide.

“This year we are celebrating our eleventh year of being

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

in business. One of our goals has been to keep the doors open for all kinds of people to celebrate all kinds of recovery – from the young and edgy to mom and dad.” Holguin, clean and sober for over 28 years, explained, “We surrender and let the sunlight of the spirit shine on our love and service.”

Holquin went on to say, “We don’t always get to choose how that will be done or who comes knocking at the door, but I do know how to answer the door. I know miracles when I experience them. I’m grateful for all miracles, from our supportive customers to our employees, the amazing men and woman who put their talent and service into running our store.”

“Yes, we have some high-profile guests who attract attention, but we love all our customers.” He went on to explain, “No one person can represent recovery. We simply do not judge. We can’t control the emotionally-charged reactions both the famous and the not-so-famous have during recovery.

If we mention a celebrity name, we are not confirming or denying that Adrian Grenier and Bai Ling they belong to a Twelve Step program.

However, stars such as Mackenzie Phillips and Steve-O openly lend their names or their books to support recovery charities and rehabs.”

When I asked Holguin how the store handles the controversy about its racy t-shirts and slogans, he admitted, “Sometimes with tears. The store is like a child to me. I remember not to take things personally and live in the Steps.

“We are real people; and recovery is about being happy, joyous and free. We are not a glum lot, nor saints. It’s progress rather than perfection. I got sober at 24 years of age. Nowadays, kids are getting sober even earlier. I’ve seen too much death as a result of addiction. If saying or having the f-word or a racy joke on a shirt is part of your recovery to make it fun for you, I say, ‘Go for it!’

“We are all miracles and as some like to say, f---ing miracles.”

COLLECTION

Worn by Jennifer Hudson and Russell Brand. Celebrate your recovery in high style with our beautiful jewelry.

www.my12stepstore.com 8730 Santa Monica Blvd.

West Hollywood, CA 90069

310.623.1702

RJ Holquin and Mackenzie Phillips

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

67

BodyTalk The Treatment 20

By Victoria Abel

W

hen I left for college, people warned me about The Freshman 15 – those 15 pounds many freshmen gain when they have access to cafeteria food, junk food and late night pizza runs. After working in treatment centers for over 20 years, I coined a new phrase – The Treatment 20.

“Healing relationships with food.”

and their emotions. Former eating disorder behaviors may resurface and can be very serious.

Develop and present nutritional programs and educational lectures at treatment centers.

It may feel as though two hamburgers, fries, a shake and a bag of chips are what you need; it is just a craving – similar to the cravings for drugs and alcohol. Junk food is a temporary fix. Though the food tastes good, the benefits are Newly recovering clients often enter treatment under- short-lived; and the consequences of poor eating habits are weight and malnourished. Mood disorders, alcohol and not worth it. drug abuse may have created nutritional havoc, resulting in When your body stores extra weight during new recovserious weight fluctuations. ery, remind yourself that this too shall pass. Some of this The digestive system’s reaction to most opiates and weight gain is probably necessary to help your body rejumethamphetamines is to slow down or turn off the hunger venate itself. If needed, the extra weight can be dealt with signal and stop digesting food. When people stop drinking later. and taking drugs, their hunger returns with a vengeance.

The most important thing to remember is that sobriPeople new in recovery are often ravenously hungry. The ety is your number one priority, not losing weight. When body craves nutrients it has not had in a long time. Due intense hunger or craving is present during your early days to physiological imbalances, sugar cravings can become of recovery, remember healthy, nutritious food is essential for healing and jump-starting a healthy metabolism. another addiction.

Often the recovering digestive system is not quite up to par. Normal metabolism is slow to recover, and the bowel is usually damaged or sluggish. In response to the sharp increase in food intake and with no way to process all of it, the body has no other choice but to store the food as added weight. And so begins the gaining of the 20 or so pounds people may put on in treatment.

One on one nutritional consultation, meal planning, weight management, and assessment for disordered eating.

Nutrition and supplementation to ease detox, stabilize mood and reduce cravings.

Instruction on budgeting, shopping and cooking.

TESTIMONIAL

“Victoria helped me to manage the daily struggles of meal planning and grocery shopping - the mundane tasks we all must do. I am grateful for those things but am mostly grateful for the caring way in which she operates. I have lived in so much shame for as long as I can remember regarding anything to do with food. Victoria let me cry and was always genuinely interested in what was going on with me. We would talk about the things that seemed to have nothing to do with food but in fact were leading me to binge, purge, or starve myself.

Victoria has been an incredible light in my life - she was always so accepting of me - no matter if I had a “good” or “bad” food week.”

Instead of those two hamburgers, have only one on a whole grain bun with avocado slices. Have a big salad with your favorite dressing on the side. Make homemade soda using mineral water and some peach juice. Freeze a container of Greek yogurt and enjoy that instead of ice cream.

Go for a walk after dinner; avoid the donuts and cookies at your next meeting. When cravings for soda, sugar and Newly prescribed medications for conditions untreated junk food arise, talk to your therapist or sponsor about it. during a person’s addiction can also be the cause of weight Be sure to have protein with breakfast every day to balance gain. Weight gain and late night cravings are side effects of out your blood sugar. some medications. Lastly, but not unimportantly, people Giving in to food cravings is a slippery slope. Use the in early recovery may not know what to do with idle time.

They may find the feelings they are experiencing difficult to tools you are learning in recovery to protect yourself. You tolerate; therefore they may turn to food to distract, numb deserve to have a healthy body and a strong recovery. § and comfort.

Healthy food choices are important in new recovery.

Weight gains can challenge and trigger the newly clean and sober person. Some return to drugs to lose the weight, reactivating the addiction cycle. Others may go on crash diets which can be chaotic to both their digestive system 68

See the last February issue of the New York Times and the Summer issue of In Recovery Magazine for more informaton on CAN Nutrition and Recovery.

Victoria Abel, MA, MNT, is the founder and owner of Center for Addiction Nutrition. She has worked in the addiction counseling field for 20 years as a family, primary and trauma therapist. She is also a nutrition and eating disorders therapist working with people healing from addiction, mood disorders, cancer and other chronic illnesses. She teaches at Prescott College in Prescott, Arizona, and lectures nationally on addiction nutrition.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Victoria Abel MA, MNT, CAN

vabel@cannutrition.com www.centerforaddictionnutrition.com Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

69

The Bookstand

BOOK REVIEW

Sitting in Pictures

Recovery is the subject of countless books. Below are some titles worth a look. If you are an author and would like us to include your book, contact me. — Editor, editor@inrecoverymagazine.com

Vision Meditations for Addiction Recovery

Gracie’s Secret (Lorelie Rozzano, Edgewood Publishing, 2nd edition, July 29, 2014, Amazon $12.92) Meet Grace. At nine years old, she has a big secret. Grace knows first-hand that life can be difficult. Her parents aren’t very happy.

Their arguing is giving her a stomachache. This book is perfect for a child with a difficult home life. Divorce, addiction, mental health issues and more can cause children to feel alone, anxious and afraid. Gracie’s Secret shows kids they aren’t alone, and they can feel better.

By Peoples of the Earth Illustrations by Christine Sundly, Menominee Nation

By Lena H.

Y

ou can meditate using Sitting in Pictures: Vision Meditations for Addiction Recovery, a daily picture book available in an online version, and appreciate the touches of color in the art. But I prefer to hold in my hands the four by six inch book with its sunny yellow cover and black and white pictures.

According to the Introduction, “sitting in pictures” is a “Hopi tradition whereby one practices visualizing a harmonious reality, sitting in that reality, and allowing it to manifest.” The practice is designed to “. . . promote harmony and unity; heal the self, the family and the community; and foster an awareness of Creator.” This description may be pat and a little heavy on the harmony, but I believe sitting in these pictures can be as worthy as other established meditative practices.

At first I was disgruntled by some bloopers in spelling, punctuation and composition. It’s Thich Naht Hanh, not Nanh; “creators way” is missing an apostrophe. Shouldn’t there be a better connection on each page between the image and the verbal messages? When I put aside my pedantic judgments, I found myself thinking, How important is it? The worth of this little book outweighs its foibles.

Don’t expect a typical 365 day year-round daily reader here.

Its timing more closely resembles the Tzolkin calendar of the Mayan Day Keepers (260 days) or the human gestation period (270 days). Its 70 pages for each season create a short, 280-day “year.” If you began on January 1st meditating with a page a day, you’d be out of pages before midOctober. Nonetheless, the idea is to think outside the box and let the pages direct you.

The author offers you options on how to read the book. To use it day-by-day as the cover suggests, you open to the

first page of the section for the current season: summertime, harvest time, wintertime or springtime. Read the brief, inspiring words (a Twelve Step principle of recovery and a quote or adage from an elder, shaman or tribal tradition) and meditate on the picture – the sacred image. The next day, do the same with the following page of the same season. Or, as the Timekeeping Section suggests, readers may “. . . bring their own guidance on where they wish to begin their healing meditations.” In other words, open to a random page – or online, scroll down and stop anywhere – and do the same thing tomorrow.

Edgewise: plunging off of the brink of drink and into the love of God (Jana Greene, self-published, 1st edition, March 12, 2014, Amazon $8.99) Can a believer in Christ also be an addict or alcoholic? Jana Greene shares her recovery journey in a collection of raw and honest essays. During the process, she let God get a word in edgewise, and plunged into a spiritual awakening she could not have experienced any other way.

The compact sacred image centered on each page will be as holy as you will allow. Amazingly varied in style and design, from simple to complex – geometric lines, psychedelic swirls, real photo images or childlike squiggles and splashes – the pictures are intriguing and prove Christine Sundly’s skill as a graphic artist. I have practiced gazing into some of the images, breathing easily and letting come to mind whatever surfaces, sometimes with revealing results; I emerge centered and rested.

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Book: official and unofficial sloganeering from the 12 Step programs. (Day By Day, Amazon paperback $12, Kindle $2.99) This 12 Step compilation has everything recovery – the best one-liners from talks, all the classic slogans, prayers used in the fellowships including the history of the Serenity Prayer, acronyms and all the great sayings passed down from the old-timers. WalkSoftlyandCarryaBigBook.com

From This Day Forward (Matt and Amy Baumgardner, HCI, 1st edition (September 2, 2014), Amazon paperback $11.39, Kindle $9.99) This is a story of miracles. With heartrending honesty Matt and Amy tell a story with the power to help others find the strength to take the first step in the right direction, to start a conversation with the ones they love, to repair, rebuild and restore.

This book says the practice of sitting in pictures is similar to traditions of other cultures, such as the Dreamtime of the Aborigines, the reliefs from Gobekli Tepe and even modern psychology’s “creative visualization.” All of these lend credence to the effectiveness of sitting in pictures. To me, it is simply an intriguing new venue for meditation. I love the diversity of the images and quotations. From ancient to modern, from Tanzanian to Gaelic to Cheyenne, from Lao-Tzu to Mahatma Gandhi to Don Miguel Ruiz, they proclaim All One. This appeals to my meditative mind. It works if I let it, and it’s worth it.

SittinginPictures.org

marijuanaharmlessthinkagain.org / Recovery Magazine 71 A Movement that Focuses onIn the Facts of the Harms of Marijuana

Winter 2014

Cluttered Lives, Empty Souls

By Terrence Shulman

you shoplift or steal from work, then feel guilty?

Were you arrested or fired from a job for stealing, and then feel guilty? Did you break your budget and regret it later, starting the New Year stressed out? Did you feel ashamed to have friends or family over because your home was a disaster zone?

Cluttered Lives, Empty Souls is a quarterly series with information and practical advice about compulsive buying, spending, theft and hoarding. Terry Shulman’s down-to-earth approach to these addictions comes from his own life experience as well as his extensive experience as a treatment professional. He was featured in The Truth about Shoplifting, recently aired by CBC and CNBC.

A

re you someone who loves or hates the holiday season – or a little of both? As a recovering scrooge and as a certified addiction counselor since 1997, I know from experience that a combination of difficult memories, potentially stressful family gatherings and pressure to buy, spend, shop and “be merry” take a toll. Research shows that addictions and addiction relapses increase dramatically between November and January each year.

Compulsive hoarding, shopping/spending, shoplifting and employee theft often reach epidemic proportions during the holiday season. As with all addictions, misguided beliefs around happiness, satisfaction, abundance and fairness often drive these behaviors.

Research shows that shoplifting and employee theft spike during the holiday season for a variety of reasons. I’ve heard countless stories of people who stole during the holidays and spent Christmas in jail or who were led out the office door in handcuffs. It’s never worth it.

Not all shopaholics are hoarders, but these maladies often overlap. Some still laugh at the notion that shopping is an addiction, but studies over the past decade strongly support that theory. About 10 percent of Americans – women and men almost equally – fit the bill. Many of us go off the deep end with spending, only to feel stressed at the start of the New Year when the credit card bills come due.

Friction and conflict over money, values around money, debt and financial infidelity have replaced sex and romance issues as a leading factor in relationship conflicts and divorces. The average American now carries nearly $10,000 of credit card debt – much of it from shopping-related or non-essential purchases.

Last year, the National Retail Federation estimated that the average American spent nearly $920 on gifts in December.

Online holiday shopping surpassed store shopping in dollar figures and now accounts for about a third of holiday spending. We used to recognize “Black Friday” as the official kick-off for holiday shopping, but last year more stores than ever decided to stay open on Thanksgiving.

What are children learning about the holidays and the 72

broader issue of consumerism? Stuff, stuff and more stuff!

To piggyback on a dietary analogy, we need more protein and less stuffing. What is the protein? You get to decide – but consider rest, relaxation and quality time together with family and friends.

•

Now is a good time to ask ourselves, “What are we really shopping for?” Is it to escape, to keep up with the Joneses or for love and approval? Have we been duped into spending more than we really need to or can afford? I highly recommend watching a great film about our hyper-consumerist culture called What Would Jesus Buy?

If you feel pressured to buy for your kids, stop and remember what you want to teach them. It’s likely your best memories are about the time you’ve spent together with loved ones, not the stuff you received. Be creative; get kids engaged in activities they’ll cherish forever.

•

Do volunteer work to put your life into perspective – here is always someone suffering more than you.

Consider donating time, money and/or gifts to the more needy; have the family volunteer at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter or other charitable institution.

•

Consider donating to Toys for Tots. Bring a smile to the lives of those less fortunate.

•

Don’t abuse alcohol, drugs or food. Plan for moderate exercise, fresh air, adequate sleep, healthy food and some quiet solitude.

•

If holiday get-togethers bring up difficult emotions, choose not to attend or to minimize the time spent in that situation. Augment your visits with meetings or calls to your sponsor or other supportive people.

There are countless ways to express our gratitude and to celebrate the deeper meaning of the holidays – a time for thanksgiving, love, miracles, generosity, renewal and the close company of family, friends and community. Even if we’re going through challenging times, the holidays beckon us to focus on the positive.

The holidays can be a stressful and tempting time. Don’t wait until you’re in the midst of the holiday craze to create an action plan. If you’re not preparing for recovery, you’re preparing to relapse.

Here are a few tips to help keep you centered, grounded and safe: •

If you choose to shop, shop early before the crowds hit.

See if you have any items you can regift or recycle.

•

Set a budget for how much you can comfortably spend.

•

Remember the spirit of the holidays. It’s not about the “stuff ”; it’s about the shared joy and experiences with family and friends.

•

If you have few family or friends nearby and you’re worried about loneliness, be proactive. Find local support group meetings or other gatherings/events and commit to attend.

•

Stop and remember how you felt during past holidays when you were active in your addiction. Did

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

How do you want your holidays to go?

What are your keys to embracing miracles? You are the gift. I am the gift. We are the gift. No amount of money or things – whether bought or stolen – can truly bring peace. Give, but don’t overdo it and give yourself the gift of asking for help.

Simple is good. Less is often more. Your Winter 2014

holidays can be the best of times. It’s really up to each of us to choose and create our experiences. May this be your best holiday season yet! § Copyright 2014 Terrence Shulman is an attorney, therapist and consultant in Detroit, Michigan.

He is the founder and director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending and Hoarding. Shulman has also authored four books, including Biting the Hand that Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic (Infinity, 2005). For further information, he may be contacted at theshulmancenter.com.

TERRENCE DARYL SHULMAN JD,LMSW,ACSW,CAADC,CPC Founder/Director Writer for In Recovery Magazine

The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding PO Box 250008 Franklin, Michigan 48025 Phone/Fax: 248-358-8508 www.theshulmancenter.com

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73

CrossTalk is based on the premise that recovery life is polytely: frequently, complex problem-solving situations characterized by the presence of not one, but several, endings. This writing represents decades of recovery and its application to life and how to get over it, into it or through it with spunk, levity and a good dose of reality. What? You want more than happy, joyous and free? Get over it. Just sayin’. – Mollé

Mollé: I’m 28 years old, unmarried with no children. I’ve

you. Who the @#$% am I?

been in the military for nine years and have been seeking recovery since April 2012. I’ve relapsed six times – now It’s hard to find my own place in recovery. People in meetback in the program nine days. I have no idea who I am. ings share about such obnoxious stuff. They have no idea – Military Man who I am or what I’m about. I don’t even know. I start questioning why I am even here.

Dear Military Man, I have some questions for you. Here goes.

What has been the hardest part of getting sober for you?

Staying sober.

Do you think being in the military makes it easier or harder to stay sober?

Both. I don’t have a normal job. When I make an irresponsible decision, there are a lot more penalties involved, especially when you’re in a command position – more people can get hurt or die. It’s really hard when I’m deployed.

Why did you get sober this time?

During a deployment, I drank after seven months sober.

It was my birthday. My CO pushed and pushed – said that I hadn’t drunk in months and that I “deserved” to have a drink. I regretted drinking. My CO regretted it, too. I was a wreck for two months. I can’t live that way.

What do you wrestle with most?

Double standards of life. I have to be one person when I have the uniform on and someone else when I don’t. And I don’t know who I am in a meeting. It starts wearing on 74

It’s hard to find the similarities. Now I go to agnostic meetings and have found a lot of military guys there. It’s weird.

This week I found a sponsor there.

The holidays are around the corner. What are the challenges to staying sober?

Social pressure – work parties, friends and especially my family. I want to drink more when I’m around my family.

But there is also more recovery to be had, too. Everywhere you go there are positive things going on, if you look for them.

What do you think would be the first thing that might drive you back out?

When I first get sober, life gets a lot better quickly. I lose weight; I have more time, more money; I play better guitar; and then the program starts to wear on me. I start thinking how I don’t fit in; and maybe I’ll give drinking another shot. Maybe this time it will be different. I forget how bad it was.

I start slipping away from the program and arguing with my sponsor and friends. I get angry and resentful at everyone. I disconnect.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

I have to stay connected to stay sober.

What makes this recovery different?

I don’t want to feel like that again. I can’t keep doing this.

Hi Mollé: My daughter is in early recovery, and I want

to ask you what I can do to help without trying to “fix” things. She lives five states away, and is coming home for the holidays. I am in Al-Anon, and my daughter has a sponsor. But I really need to hear from an alcoholic woman in long-term recovery about the needs of a woman in early recovery.

level. I would bet that if you do what you need to do to keep yourself balanced during her visit, it will probably help her in more ways than you can imagine.

I’ll end with this. Don’t take her actions or inactions personally – easy to say, but difficult to do. Her sponsor may have told her what my sponsor said to me when I went home for the first time, “You can leave anytime, from anywhere, for any reason. Staying sober is your first priority. You do not get to be mean, loud or unkind. You simply can leave and go somewhere where you feel ok, safe – maybe a meeting, a friend’s house or an early plane back home.”

She sounds good and happy. As much as I am excited You daughter’s behavior is not about you. to see her, I am nervous. I know she is responsible for her recovery. I am not feeling guilty; I just want The viewpoints shared or any implied actions suggested by Mollé are the opinand ideas of the author only and do not represent those of In Recovery to learn as much as I can and support her and our ions Magazine. The implied action is offered openly and is never intended to replace family – without controlling. Is that even possible? the advice of a health care professional. crosstalk@inrecoverymagazine.com – Mother of the Alcoholic Dear Mom, First, how about asking her what she needs to feel comfortable. Sometimes it is the simplest approach that works the best – kind words, honesty and no expectations. That is likely what her sponsor is saying to her.

Every alcoholic reacts differently during the holidays – with or without being around alcohol. The words “family” and “holidays” alone can raise the anxiety Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

75

LI FE.

Dr. Deb

Viewpoint’s comprehensive approach to treating dual diagnosis is achieved through our pioneering system, UHELP™ (Understand, Heal, Educate, Love, and Practice). Our system affords clients the ability to go beyond short term success and make true lasting change.

By Dr. Deb Laino

W

hile I don’t claim to be an expert on veterans, I have counseled my fair share of our country’s finest. With an estimated one-third of the 400,000 returning veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), many are losing a part of their lives that non-veterans take for granted – love for and connection with themselves, their partners and their families.

Many veterans go through unspeakable trauma in the defense of our country. While our hearts are moved by the televised reunions of the military husband or wife coming home to their families, what we don’t see is what happens after the cameras are off.

It is no secret that after wartime trauma – in addition to being apart from loved ones and familiar surroundings – reconnection with families can be difficult. Reconnection with oneself may also be disrupted by feelings of withdrawal, isolation and anger. There especially may be a sense of disconnect from civilian life.

must also be addressed, as well as relationship and intimacy repair. I am a proponent of working on all these areas simultaneously.

Addressing sexuality is an important part of a veteran’s recovery from PTSD. Unfortunately, many professionals are not adequately discussing veterans’ sexual and intimacy issues – and some are not trained to identify and treat such issues. Kathleen Miller, in a 2013 article in The Washington Post, noted that the VA estimated between 2012 and 2013, 71 million dollars were spent on Viagra and Levitra to help treat sexual dysfunction in veterans. This figure represented a threefold increase in spending since 2006. While pharmaceutical treatments for sexual dysfunction are important, the mental and emotional concerns are an equally important aspect of treatment.

It is important to find a skilled professional therapist who will help the couple discuss these sensitive topics. Many veterans and their partners suffer in silence for years. There is no need for this suffering.

Veterans diagnosed with PTSD often find satisfying personal intimacy more difficult or even impossible. Many turn to alcohol, drugs or other addictions to numb their increasing sense of isolation and pain, only to discover that these methods often intensify such feelings.

Some couples need to learn intimacy skills. Some need to explore their sexuality both individually and with each other. Veterans may first need to learn how to connect on an emotionally intimate level, and then to allow sexual feelings to follow.

Returning veterans may also have suffered brain or other physical injuries which can interfere with satisfying sexual experiences. Coupled with PTSD, such injuries typically lead to clinical depression, further complicating a full recovery.

People are resilient. Couples can find their way through the intimacy issues that may arise after the reunion. Working together and supporting one another is key to the survival of the relationship.

Because of the sensitive nature of sexuality and sexual dysfunction, veterans and their partners may find themselves unable to discuss their problems honestly and openly. PTSD and sexual dysfunction may be damaging to a veteran’s sense of self. A lack of intimacy can wreak havoc on relationships. When sexual intimacy goes amiss, both partners may feel angry and isolated. If they are not getting their needs met or don’t know how to meet the needs of their partner, feelings of embarrassment, guilt and/or shame can affect the relationship. It can quickly become a no-win situation.

So what can be done?

Treatment of PTSD symptoms should be a primary concern. Problems such as alcohol, drug and other addictions 76

Reframing old ideas about sexuality and developing new behaviors are part of the relationship recovery process.

There can be a good prognosis as couples begin to learn new intimacy skills and view their relationship as new and unexplored territory.

To find a reputable sex therapist in your area, visit The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), aasect.org/referral-directory.

There are many certified sex therapists and sex educators available across the country. § Dr. Debra Laino DHS, M.ED, MS, ACS, ABS Board Certified Clinical Sexologist/ Sex Therapist in private practice in Wilmington, Delaware; adjunct instructor at Wilmington and Philadelphia Universities; president and cofounder of Delaware Association for Sexology; and author of Eleven Reasons Why Women Cheat and other books. She may be contacted through her website, delawaresexdoc.com.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

While in our extended treatment program, clients earn responsibilities as well as privileges based on the clients’ behaviors and the input of the entire clinical team. Depending on their goals and needs, clients are supported in every possible way to become gainfully employed or enrolled in school.

w w w . v i e w p o i n t d u a l r e c o v e r y . c o m

Understand Accurate diagnosis determined through our team of experts, is the foundation of our program.

Heal Intensive and ongoing therapeutic work from various approaches helps individuals break through the root causes of their own issues.

Educate During this time we teach our clients life-skills in areas such as: mood management, healthy relationships, problem solving, self-care and health and nutrition.

Love Through our experience, we have found it essential to provide our clients with love and encouragement to give them confidence to be successful in recovery.

Practice Our compassionate approach to clients’ care affords a safe and secure environment in which they th can learn from their mistakes and build on their successes.

CALL NOW! 877.777.5150 Office: 240 S. Montezuma Street, Suite 201, Prescott, Arizona 86303 Phone: 928.778.5907 Fax: 928.778.5908 Email: info@viewpointdualrecovery.com Winter 2014 In Recovery Magazine More about us: http://www.viewpointdualrecovery.com/InRecovery/

77

From Peer to Peer

Bill W. brings his life experience to print in a series of articles dealing with the many aspects of recovery. In a sequence of personal reflections, interviews and round table discussions, he shares with the reader, peer to peer, his effective and helpful insights into the world of addiction and mental illness recovery.

By Bill W. I recently had the privilege of interviewing Iraqi War veteran and friend-in-recovery, Rob Ziarnick. He spoke candidly about his experience with PTSD. What follows is a condensed version of our conversation.

During your time as a sniper in the Marines, what kinds of incidents contributed to your PTSD? The first serious combat I saw was in a city called Nasiriyah. Everybody went basically “weapons free,” which meant shoot anything that moves. A lot of marines took that literally. They shot at chickens, goats, little kids and old women – anything that moved. It was violence in the extreme.

Later, we stopped south of a city called Al Kut. An Iraqi field truck was driving toward us at a traffic control point. After I eliminated the threat, an entire company of Marines on the line started shooting. I’d say a hundred guys with light machine guns, heavy machine guns – pretty much anything you can think of – all of it unloading on the truck and on a family that was at the traffic control point.

A big part of my PTSD was the guilt I felt for a lot of years that I had caused the death of that family.

When did you first start developing symptoms of PTSD? I started having problems after that first tour, shortly after I came back to the States.

What were your symptoms?

I started having nightmares frequently, often every night, and drinking heavily, which was not normal for me. Also, night sweats and just really jumpy. I became extremely paranoid. I had intense flashbacks, especially from smells that would remind me of Iraq. I would get angry just like that. Not a normal angry, not as if I’m just going to yell at somebody, but like I could just kill somebody.

During my second tour, I started not sleeping to the point where I was kind of on autopilot. Like sleepwalking, I guess. I had a deep depression at some points, feeling that I was just done, and thinking, What’s the point of living?

What kinds of problems has PTSD caused for you?

An Unauthorized Absence and a court martial when I was in the Marines. Afterwards, serious domestic violence, serious suicide attempts and a big ordeal that landed me in a state mental health institution for five years.

I decided I was going to kill this other guy who was cheating with my wife at the time. Anyway, I wound up trying to get the police to shoot me and got charged with first degree attempted murder and a bunch of other stuff. My screws weren’t even loose – they had just plain fallen out.

Which treatments have been particularly helpful in your recovery?

Hearing from other veterans who are doing well now – hearing they had gone through the same things I had gone through. It gave me hope. After that, EMDR [Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing] was a huge help. It was like a switch, Dude. The bad

dreams went away like Bam! I didn’t have nightmares for years.

After that, I think that DBT [Dialectical Behavioral Therapy], the breathing stuff, is tremendous. I’ve learned how to calm down with breathing. As far as having something that somebody can do on their own, that’s probably the best thing.

After I had a relapse, the Prolonged Exposure Therapy was great; but I don’t think it’s 100 percent.

What do you do for your recovery maintenance program?

I have a lot of friends with PTSD who have gone through similar situations. We’re all struggling, and we talk to each other a lot about symptoms and what you do to get over it.

Some days I’m really depressed and think about suicide. It’s like, all right, what are you doing? Get up and do something.

I have support persons who will tell me, “Hey, you need to get off your ass.” Work in the garage, go for a run, go to work, whatever.

You have to have something to look forward to.

When I think about suicide, I think about how everybody would be affected if I did that. Kind of talk myself out of it sort of thing. And I think having a significant other helps tremendously – somebody who understands what you’re going through; someone who is compassionate and can comfort you through hard times.

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- Clint Richards

Does a relationship with a Higher Power help you make it through the day?

Absolutely, and prayer seems to help. One time I was getting ready to kill myself in jail. I felt like I was terrible because of the domestic violence crimes. It made me really depressed. I was in my cell, and I was thinking, This is it. I’m going to tear this sheet up. I’m going to tie it to the bunk bed. I’m going to wait for the guard to go by, and then I’m going to hang myself.

I was getting ready to do it when I stopped and prayed, “Lord, please just put somebody in this room with me because I will not make it through the night.” Then, no shit, the door opens up; and they put some drunk dude in there; and he talked all frickin’ night long.

I still have prayers answered pretty often. Prayer is a powerful tool.

Do you have any final words for those veterans out there struggling with PTSD? Anybody who has gone through the military has a different level of discipline than the average person. A veteran needs to realize that we vets are in our own category. We know how to get stuff done and have perseverance to go through crappy stuff. If you really think about it, there’s nothing worse than war. If you can survive that, you can survive PTSD, even though at times it doesn’t seem like it.

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Part II Coming Spring 2015

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

79

Kay’s Kitchen Christopher Blake, Veteran Extraordinaire

By Kay Luckett

U

pon first meeting Christopher Stanislas Blake, no one ever guessed that he was a 93-year-old US WWII veteran, a writer, a cook and a former restaurateur with 17 years of sobriety. His warmhearted and friendly manner was as sincere as it was captivating, and it was easy to form an immediate bond with him.

Celebrating recovery was what Christopher was all about.

Chris was first introduced to sobriety by Father Francis P. Duffy who found Chris lost and alone one dark night on a beach in Newport, California. Father Duffy was associated with the National Council on Alcoholism and knew instantly that this man needed immediate medical attention. Chris was taken to the Detox Unit at Hoag Hospital where he met Dottie Dozel.

Dottie supervised Chris’ detox and later arranged a scholarship for him at South Coast Counseling (SCC).

Jack Motley, the manager and primary counselor at SCC’s residential recovery home in Costa Mesa, gave Chris a meal, a bed and an invitation to stay so that he could recover from his over 60 years of chronic alcoholism.

Chris was willing and accepted the invitation. He was the first and only 75-year-old resident of SCC, which is often affectionately called Plumer Street. Chris’ sobriety date was May 5, 1996.

The residents of the house were in the process of sprucing up the place, so Chris volunteered to paint. Soon, with Chris covered in white paint, they realized they could not let him finish the work; his painting was a disaster. The question soon became, “What do we do with Chris?” The answer became evident when Plumer Street management realized that Chris was a former New Orleans’ restaurateur and a seasoned down-home cook.

house buffets for Easter, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas. About 100 guests would show up for each event.

What joyful and delicious times he created for those of us in the local recovery community.

Before I went on a trip to New Orleans in 2000, I was introduced to Chris by Big Tim. Big Tim was a Plumer Street Alumni who later became Chris’ sponsor. Chris immediately appointed me as his assistant. Our job was to plan a big bash — a Clean and Sober Mardi Gras complete with beads, colorful costumes, King Babies and, most of all, Chris’ authentic Louisiana buffet. The menu included catfish bites, jambalaya, red beans and rice, garlic bread and an array of Chris’ homemade desserts, featuring an authentic New Orleans bread pudding (minus the alcohol).

Chris was very proud to be a US WWII veteran. He was deployed overseas by the Air Force in 1943 with the 706th Tank Destroyer Battalion, Sixth Group. Because he spoke French, he was an asset to the Brittany Campaign. In a story on tankdestroyer.net, Rob Haldeman noted that Chris was in Holland during the Battle of the Bulge and visited Bad Tolz when the war ended, where he stood “. . . in the bombed out window of Hitler’s hideaway in Berchtesgaden.” He received an honorable discharge as Technician Fifth Grade.

Chris felt, with my 20 years of experience in catering and his 40 years of Southern cooking, our talents could be put to good use. Chris, our friend Todd B. and I met once a week over beignets and café au lait where we planned and organized a fundraising event for the Plumer Street alumni committee. The money raised helps their residents attend recovery conventions, sober retreats and even the Hollywood Bowl. Plumer Street’s Clean and Sober Mardi Gras was such a success, it is now in its 14th year.

For over 15 years, Chris ran the Plumer Street kitchen, which offered three meals a day for the 16 residents, except on Wednesdays when 40 or so of their alumni showed up for dinner, a meeting and a prayer.

Holidays were especially important to Chris. He did not want friends in recovery to be alone on those sometimes difficult occasions. His remedy was to host fun, sober open

For as long as I knew him, Chris was dedicated to providing sober experiences for recovering men and women who might ordinarily not have had them.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Serenity Chocolate Cups These chocolate cups are for the purists of chocolate lovers. Now with all that liquor gone, we can easily taste the chocolate.

Ingredients 6 oz semisweet chocolate 6 egg yolks, slightly beaten Pinch of salt 6 egg whites, stiffly beaten 1 cup cream, stiffly whipped 2 Tbsp very strong coffee Directions In the top of a double boiler, melt chocolate until smooth. Add egg yolks and salt. Cook for five more minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and cool, but do not allow chocolate to harden.

Off I went to New Orleans to do Chris’ bidding. I returned with items for the event and the raffle: a painting

by King Napoleon of Jackson Square, Aunt Sally’s pecan pralines and Andouille sausages from Paul Prudhomme’s.

Chris knew the production crew at the Hollywood Bowl.

Every Friday night for many years during the summer season, Chris and three of his guests were invited to enjoy the show as the crew’s guests. At almost 90 years old, generously Chris would bring coolers containing gourmet dinners for his guests, along with a buffet for the crew. Chris never missed an opportunity to give back.

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Over the many years of our friendship, I learned more and more about Chris’ life. He told me a story about a society party he and Tennessee Williams attended. Chris gave me a copy of a book he wrote about his beloved French Quarter, The Fair, Fair Ladies of Chartres Street. He introduced me to some of the cookbooks he wrote, including Easy Elegance Cookbook, Red Beans and Rice-ly Yours: Recipes from New Orleans that Louis Armstrong Loved and Cooking with and for Alcoholics.

Fold in the beaten egg whites until well blended. Fill small glasses or cups with the mixture and refrigerate overnight.

Just before serving, slowly fold the coffee into the whipped cream. Top each of the chocolate cups with the coffee mixture.

While he lived in Paris after the war, Chris attended the Sorbonne and had the honor of meeting and becoming close friends with the famous American poet Gertrude Stein and her companion, Alice B. Toklas. He considered himself a protégé of Ms. Stein’s and wrote a play about her, which he called Lady with a Jug.

Bon appetit!

Christopher Stanislas Blake is remembered not just for his many literary and culinary contributions, but mostly for his youthful spirit, his delightful sense of humor and his many gifts to the recovery community during his 17 years of sobriety. Chris’ plays, books and cookbooks can be found in both the archives of Tulane University and at the Southern Food and Beverage Museum.

Chris passed away at the age of 93 on March 25, 2014. He is sorely missed by all who knew him.

In honor of Chris and his love of food and recovery, here is his recipe for Serenity Chocolate Cups, reprinted with his permission from his book, Cooking with and for Alcoholics.

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

81

RecoveryTech

The Road to Providence

By Robert Milton Ingram

Five Ways Technology Can Help Your Recovery

By Ashley Loeb

T

he holiday season is upon us . . . and so is the stress of family, shopping and holiday preparations. For those of us in recovery, it can be particularly difficult to place self-care at the top of our to-do list.

However, what makes us different from people who are not in recovery is that we cannot afford to become complacent.

The question then becomes, “How do I practice vital recovery self-care during the holidays?” Here are five ways technology can help your recovery.

Apps: There are many new smartphone applications geared toward recovery. Some of the best Twelve Step apps include 12 Step Companion, 12 Steps Speakers and e-AA. For exercise accountability, try Gym Pact, Nexercise and Sworkit. You can also employ a fitness tracker like FitBit or the UPBand. For a recovery coaching app, check out Lionrock Recovery’s Base Camp app. These are just a few of the apps available.

You can find more by doing an online search for “recovery and accountability apps.”

Video-conference with sponsor, sponsees or a mentor: With crazy holiday schedules and travel, the holidays are a great time to use video-conferencing to meet with your sponsor or sponsees; to work the steps; to ask for direction; to run an idea by a mentor; or just to visit with members of your recovery support network from wherever you happen to be.

Relapse prevention treatment online via video-conference: If you are feeling you might relapse or if you have relapsed, now you can seek profes82

sional treatment for addiction online. You can meet with a therapist for weekly individual and group sessions from wherever you are by simply clicking a link.

Search “relapse prevention treatment online” to find other available options.

Online Twelve Step meetings: Many people don’t realize there are online Twelve Step meetings conducted via video-conference. There is no excuse to miss a meeting! If you are traveling or just really busy and can’t make a meeting in person, you can connect remotely with others in recovery. Check out intherooms.com for more information on meetings.

Search “online Twelve Step meetings” for more online meeting options.

PICK UP THE PHONE! Picking up the phone and calling another alcoholic or addict may seem outdated when compared to some of the other options available to us now, but it’s the most tried and true recovery resource available. If downloading an app, video-conferencing with a sponsor or sponsee, getting professional treatment online or attending an online Twelve Step meeting aren’t possibilities for you, then just pick up the phone and call someone in recovery! §

On the road to Providence a pastoral hill shades a pristine little country pond cradled among the maple trees.

One crisp October morning on my way to class I cross that hill and gasp at the fire skating across the placid pond in flames of red and yellow and gold.

I pull my car to the side of the road, find a comfortable spot on the grass, and replenish my soul with the incomparable majesty and mystery of nature.

When I wake from my trance, hours have passed.

I have not made it to class this day, but I have found the road to Providence.

Robert Milton Ingram is a writer of fiction, non-fiction, song lyrics, and music as well as poetry. His poems have appeared in Harbinger Asylum and From One Sphere to Another: Best of Harbinger Asylum 2010-2012 (Dustin Pickering, ed.).

Most of his songs and a couple of his poems can be found at YouTube.com/ IngramMusic.

Ashley Loeb grew up in Silicon Valley during the dot-com boom. She is a cofounder of a tech startup called Lionrock Recovery, a Joint Commission accredited, online substance abuse treatment center. In recovery herself, Loeb is passionate about sharing her experience, strength and hope with others. While she enjoys what she describes as “a life beyond her wildest dreams,” Loeb lives in Southern California with her fiancé and two large dogs.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

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By Bob Kocher

Travelin’ Sober Man

•

erary – including flights, hotels, car, maps and directions. You can see all of your trip details at a glance. It is for iPhones, Androids, Blackberrys and Windows.

•

Chefs Feed: When I go to an area where I will be spending some time, I want to know where the locals go for great meals. This free iPhone app recommends restaurants with the country’s best chefs and allows you to sort by dish or by location. The app recommends a range of choices from high-end to hole-in-the-wall eateries.

•

Hello, fellow sober travelers! Beginning with this issue, a Q&A and a travel experience will become regular features. I encourage you to email or write to us online. If I include your question/experience in the column, you will win an upgrade and shipboard credit on one of our sober cruises. The In Recovery Magazine Cruise, December 5-12, 2015, round-trip from Houston to the Western Caribbean, is a great place to use the prize. For more information, check out travelsober.com.

T

oday I am featuring a selection of terrific apps that can simplify your travel. Many of the apps are free, helpful, easy and fun to use. I thank Team Fathom for this useful information and also suggest looking at Tripit and The Huffington Post Travel Blogs. (Terms, conditions and rates are subject to change.)

While on a group trip, use Whats-App. This 99¢ app works on all devices and provides real-time mobile messaging without paying for extra charges. It is particularly helpful when wanting to connect with old and new friends you meet on trips.

•

•

•

•

Google Translate: Google Translate is a free instant language translation, even without data connection. You will find it incredibly simple, convenient and reliable. When spelling gets tough, you can utilize the speech-to-text component. Android and iPhone users are fully supported; and Nokia, Windows and Blackberry users can use the basic functions.

Photosynth: This free app for iPhone and Windows users photographs wraparound panoramas.

Imagine a 360 degree view of all the lovely scenery from your trip.

and costs 99¢.

•

MINIMETEO: One of the most frequently asked questions is, “What will the weather be where we are going?” With this app, you can instantly access all important weather details for just $1.99.

•

Wi-Fi Finder: This fantastic free iPhone and Android app enables the user to find internet hotspots around the world. The listings on the app cover more than 144 countries.

•

•

Travel List: Have you ever forgotten to pack items for a trip? I know I have. This simple $1.99 iPhone packing list app can help. You can also add reminders about items that need to be packed at the last minute.

Currency-Simple Converter: This is a very useful app. Over my years of travel to foreign countries, I’ve learned not to think in dollars, particularly when shopping. This simple-to-use currency converter app has both an offline and online mode

•

TripLingo: This iPhone app is particularly helpful for independent, risk-taking sober travelers. It features 1,000 non-touristy phrases plus an on-call human translator. It helps you “talk like a local,” which may be important in some areas. This app focuses on colloquial speech to help you make a good impression — or at least get your point across. The basic app is free; however, it does offer add-on features that can cost up to $19.99. iExit: What about travel in the good ol’ US of A? This app gives you a heads-up on what’s happening down the road such as exits, rest stops, restaurants and gas stations. You can plan your next stop on the go. A great feature lets you pass on the fast food choices when there is a local diner nearby. (A friend of ours suggests not choosing restaurants with “family” in the name. He is a frequent traveler and has learned this the hard way.) This 99¢ app works on iPhones, Androids and Windows.

Tripit: This free app is perfect for organizing trip information. Those of you who are creative people (#7s on the Enneagram) and without a personal assistant can get great mileage out of this app. It organizes trip details into one master online itin-

•

Help Call: When you are traveling, particularly abroad, it is important to strongly consider trip insurance. This app can be very helpful in an emergency. It features a one-touch access to local police, ambulance and fire departments in over 100 countries. Need to make an emergency call? Just shake your phone. The app is available for iPhones at a cost of $2.99.

even during rush hours. The bus ride ends at the Times Square subway station making it easy to get anywhere in the City. The round-trip is about $12 per person; seniors ride for under $9.

•

If you want to stay downtown, a good choice is the ROW NYC (rownyc.com/The_Milford_ Plaza), formerly The Milford Plaza near Times Square. This hotel is a great value and often has web specials for rooms.

Be sure to check out our website, travelsober.com for information on all aspects of sober travel and more travel tips from our blog.

Be safe, be well and travel sober! § Bob Kocher has spent over 22 years in the travel industry working as a guide, group planner, salesman and agency owner. He has led more than 125 groups worldwide – in Russia, South America, the Caribbean, Alaska, Greece and the Mediterranean. Check out the blog page at the agency website travelsober.com for updates on travel tips.

Skype and Whats-App: These two apps are great in combo. Our travel groups can get very large, and we go many places. Skype provides crystal clear voice or video calls wherever you are and doesn’t cost a thing, even when calling internationally. It is free and available on all devices.

and

The Big App[le] Now for the real “Big Apple.” Here are a few suggestions about traveling to and what to do in New York City.

•

•

Stepping Stones: You absolutely, positively must visit Stepping Stones (steppingstones. org), the historic home of Bill and Lois Wilson.

The home is located at 62 Oak Road, Katonah, New York. Tours start at 1:00 p.m., Monday through Saturday. Stepping Stones is an easy drive from New York City.

Learning the City: The best way to learn about the city and visit important sites is to take the “hop-on-hop-off ” bus tours. There are several tours to choose from, and the buses are as convenient as a taxi. You can visit popular sites for as long or as short amount of time as you like.

Where to Stay

•

Hotels in Manhattan can be quite expensive.

One of our best finds is the La Quinta Inn and Suites, 350 Lighting Way, Secaucus, New Jersey, 201.863.8700. The hotel has an express bus to Manhattan departing right outside the front door, which takes an express lane, quick

Winter 2014

Present

A Recovery Conference at Sea For Recovering People and Their Friends To the Western Caribbean from Houston to Cozumel, Harvest Caye, Belize, Banana Coast-Trujillo, Honduras

Join us for a fabulous seven-day cruise vacation on the Norwegian Cruise Lines Norwegian Jade

December 5-12, 2015

For more information go to travelsober.com or call

In Recovery Magazine

805.909.2170 85

Leota McCown Hoover In Recovery Magazine lost a friend and writer in October of this year. Leota McCown Hoover, 76, of Chino Valley, Arizona, died of cancer on Oct. 12, 2014. She was born in Kentucky and came to Arizona after years in Alaska where she met her husband Jerry and raised her three children, Janet, Christine and Travis.

In Alaska, Leota became a counselor specializing in the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, with whom she studied in England. She was well-known as an educator who applied Ross’s theories in group work with clients suffering from childhood trauma. After obtaining a degree in Coun-

seling Psychology from Prescott College, Leota worked with women as a therapist and addictions counselor at Pia’s Place in Prescott, Arizona.

Leota became interested in writing personal essays after working with Susan Lang at Yavapai College. Her essays won awards and were published in literary magazines, notably So to Speak, Byline, Threshold and In Recovery Magazine. She served as treasurer of the Professional Writers of Prescott and was a popular innovator in the group. At the time of her death, Leota was completing a memoir about her relationship with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

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In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

87

Recovering Artist

By Billy R.

A

s a person in long-term recovery, I’ve had the privilege and opportunity to experience many of the gifts that a life sober has to offer. One of those gifts has been my interest in beads and beading.

My hobby started after I was given an old “heishe” beaded necklace for good luck by a fellow member in recovery.

From there I began to collect many different types of beads from around the world. The beads range in age from 2400 BC to circa 1960 AD and come from locations around the world. The array of colors, shapes and sizes are fascinating.

The beads are made from everything — clay, stone, glass, bone, wood, shell, turquoise and other precious stones. My interest in archaeology and ethnology helps in the design and assembly of my jewelry.

Clay beads made in Egypt - hundreds of years old.

Ancient Roman glass beads circa 100 to 400 AD

Very old mixture of shell and stone Hieshe necklace, circa 1400 AD - Nepal

There is a story behind every bead. As I work with these objects, I wonder who created the bead and what was in the mind of the artisan. He or she first had to find the materials, drill, polish and then assemble these beautiful ornaments. As they worked, what were they experiencing — the weather, the scenery, the smells and the sounds? Did they trade their beads for food? Give them as gifts? Use them in ritual adornment? Wear them every day for their personal pleasure? It is as though I feel the energy of their spirits, their joy and pride as they created these treasures.

I reassemble, recreate and combine these beads to fashion my own works of art. In most cases I usually keep the design simple. But, I also string many different types of beads together which display the special differences in the beads.

As I do my work, I marvel at how tiny and intricate some of these beads are; some are so tiny it’s difficult to imagine how someone could grind, drill and shape these beads without the use of modern equipment. Working with these beads is a truly spiritual and magical experience.

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Amulet is made of yak bone and brass and silver circa early to mid - 1900s.

In Recovery Magazine

Winter 2014

Slate pendant, circa 840 to 1300 AD - Santa Barbara Island

Winter 2014

In Recovery Magazine

Old rare beaded strand of African glass trade beads of the chevron style, circa early 1900s

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Top Ten Reasons to Choose Viewpoint Dual Recovery Center

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