11
SIGN OF THE TIMES:
JERK THIS
FEBRUARY HOROSCOPES Maybe we can tell the future. Or maybe we made these up. words by Meredith Clark
Taurus
Gemini
Hit the breaks, Aries, you’re going
You’ve binged two seasons of Love
You’ve been feeling a bit too self-
full speed. But what is it exactly that
Island in one week and now you find
righteous, Gemini. Yes, you work
you’re driving away from? Do you
yourself talking in a British accent
hard, but don’t try to fool us. Once
even know? Why don’t you pull over
mid-sentence, Taurus. At first it was
you're back in your hometown,
just a little bit of banter—a bit cheeky.
you'll be driving around a deserted
the New Jersey Turnpike and mull
But you’re laying it on factor 50 thick,
Walmart parking lot at midnight
it over with a Gold Rush Chicken
innit.
in your white 2004 Nissan Sentra
Sandwich from Roy Rogers.
calling it a “late night adventure.”
Cancer Leo You’ve been giving off some serious You did
absolutely nothing all
break,
Leo.
But
that’s
Virgo Let your freak flag fly! You’ve been
horse girl energy lately, Cancer.
winter
Like low ponytail, bootcut jeans,
okay! You needed this time to
too rigid, and it’s time to let go of this boring routine the way only
randomly obsessed with Bridge to
breathe and decompress from a
a Virgo knows how, like adding a
Terabithia type of horse girl energy.
stressful semester. Screw all those
bunch of expensive items to your
And you know what? We absolutely
internships that you didn’t apply
shopping cart and not buying them,
love it.
for, just wasting away in your
or coloring outside the lines. Gasp!
bookmarks bar...
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Set some clear boundaries this
Your Spotify Wrapped said you
Ho,
month, Libra. We’re sensing toxic
spent 16 hours listening to “Ribs”
December was the season of giving
relationships taking a hold of your
by Lorde in 2019. We just want to
(and boy, did you give). But now
life. Delete all your social media
know, are you okay? Do you want to
in this month of love, you’re ready
and start living “off the grid.” Find
unpack that? Is this a cry for help?
to receive! Ever heard of the Snow
a forest and build a shelter. Move
Ho,
Hoe
out,
Sagittarius!
Angel? No? Google it.
there permanently. You’ll thank us later.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
It’s a new year and a new Capricorn season. You’ve reflected on 2019 long enough, Capricorn. Forget the past, like that time you passed out at Calios into a cardboard box of mac n’ cheese calzone, and move forward into 2020 with no regrets!
Your time is coming up, Aquarius! Ring in the new year with a new, practical hobby. Why don’t you take up carving tiny animals out of soap or eating the rich?
Stop watching A24 movies, Pisces! We all know that you’re the imaginative, dreamy type, but you’ll be on the brink of a mental breakdown if you watch Lady Bird one more gosh darn time.
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to the Walt Whitman service area on
JERK
Aries
