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The Jewish Home | JULY 15, 2021 OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
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Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If… Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters, I
am an “outsider” looking in. Raised “out-of-town” in a Young Israel-type background, during my post-bar mitzvah years I decided that, unlike literally every other classmate, I actually wanted to embrace the lifestyle being advocated by our school’s rebbeim. My parents weren’t initially keen with the idea, but **were** thrilled that I wasn’t going OTD. When I asked to go to yeshiva in Brooklyn, my father accompanied me, “shepping nachas” when I aced the farher. He also agreed to pay extra dorm fees. When shidduchim were redt, the women who were suggested were perfect: sincere, refined, not craving status and certainly not catty. In sum, they were the opposite of the girls I knew back home. But their views of the world around them were simplistic and provincial. They generally couldn’t relate to me, and neither did I to them. We often didn’t even make it to “one and done.” That changed when I met “Rochel.” A tad older than the women I usually dated, despite being from Boro Park, she was working in corporate America. She was acculturated and had intellectual curiosity. She took care of herself physically and did so modestly. We dated in the summer, at night, when a relaxing cool breeze filled the air. I wouldn’t call it “magical”, but the experience was unusual
for me. About 20-minutes in, I asked “Rochel” if she would like something to drink – and she politely declined. This happened three more times. About an hour later, I **told** “Rochel” I was beginning to feel dehydrated and intended to buy a Sprite. And I offered, yet again, to buy her a drink, as well. She declined. When it was my turn at the checkout, I asked her for the fifth time. But 15 minutes later, she finally accepted. I sat with her as she sipped her drink. We continued the date for another 20 minutes and went home. Our give-and-take was great. It was, or so I thought, a productive evening. I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I arrived at my apartment, the shadchan had already left two messages. When I returned her call, she asked the typical questions. Then she cut to the chase, telling me why “Rochel” wasn’t interested. “You didn’t even have the courtesy of buying her a drink!” she claimed to my absolute shock! Apparently, there is a Yiddish saying that translates, “The ill you ask, but to the healthy, one gives.” Based on this, I violated one of shidduchim’s “cardinal sins.” I merely asked my date **6 times** if she wanted something to drink. I mistakenly had enough respect for a grown woman (nearing her 30s and working several years in corporate America) to abide by her decision. “Rochel” was no delicate waif, after all. My question to the panel: Was this merely a cultural faux pas or revealing a mindset that misconstrues a saying for etiquette? I ask because after all these years “Rochel” is asking for a “do-over.” I’m worried that, while we enjoy each other’s company, the chasm in our cultural backgrounds may make this only the first of many miseries. -Yosef*, an outsider” looking in
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
