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The Jewish Home | JUNE 9, 2022
Dr. Deb
Why Is It So Hard? by Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
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OctOber 29, 2015 | the Jewish Home
I
remember the good ol’ days before COVID when I would go to the class at the gym where we went through a routine of hopping around, lifting weights, and hopping some more. At the end of a sweaty hour, we were feeling pretty good about ourselves for being able to keep up. Back in those days – so long ago – I could work out with 5 lb. weights, and I was pretty proud of myself. But today? Forget it. I never had the discipline (or the interest, I will admit) to keep up with it on my own. I knew I “should” but there are lots of things we “should” do that we just don’t. The coach who used to be at the gym would give an online class, and one day I had the bright idea of suggesting to a friend that if she took the class, I would as well. In fact, I taped it, and we both “took” it at the same time every week. That worked out well for a while. It was the only way to get me to do it. Then I got COVID myself and, of course, that was that. Afterward, I had the excuse that I was feeling weak and tired, which was legitimate and true, so there went whatever effort I had put into it. Fast forward to the present moment. I actually put into my schedule going to the gym three times a week for yoga. I haven’t worked myself up to the weights and the hopping yet, but at least I’m not just sitting on my duff all day long like I had been for the last 2½ years. Actually, I took a walk last week. That may seem normal but it required me to feel “caught up” with what I had to do as well as have a space in my schedule to do it. It was great. I noticed how winded I was and that didn’t feel good. Why is it so hard to get back into some semblance of a healthy condition when you’ve been out of it for so long? It just is. “All beginnings are difficult.” It’s a rule that is just like gravity. It just is. In fact, so are middles and so are ends. There isn’t actually a single part that is
easy from my vantage point. Same with life. It is hard. How many people suffer in marriages that are toxic for years? Decades? And they finally say they’re getting out instead of cleaning up the toxic waste? The latter is just too hard. It looks impossible to them. They will even argue that it is
did the job? What if I could move back up to the 5 lb. weights after all? What if it took a year of daily workouts at the lower level, but I could actually push myself up there? What if? For that matter, what if I could retrain stomach muscles that got cut through three times? What if the fact that
All these difficult things may be do-able.
impossible. How do they know that? Because they tried “everything,” whatever that means. I get that. It’s so hard. They went to four or five different therapists. Isn’t that enough? Maybe. Who can say? But this funny thought occurred to me: What if for each and every time someone gave up before trying just one more thing, what if they didn’t give up? What if each of those families did try just one more thing? And what if that thing
I never did exercise after all my C-sections didn’t matter and I could develop those muscles again? What if? What I’m saying is: What if it may be hard, but not too hard? What if G-d created our world such that we could make things better after all? Yes, with an awful lot of perseverance, persistence, and brute force. With willpower and determination. But what if it could happen? What if we weren’t supposed to give up
so quickly? Someone raised the question this past yom tov: what is the lesson of Megillas Rus? There are a lot of great lessons there, but what if the biggest one was simply to not give up when the deck is totally stacked against you in every which way and the road to redemption looks absolutely impossible? Of course, none of that answers the question why it has to be so difficult in the first place. There are people who respond that “man plans and G-d laughs.” I’ve always hated that saying. G-d is not heartless. On the contrary, His most potent characteristic is rachamim. So, no, I’m not in the “G-d laughs” camp. But what if the level of difficulty were just a perception? After all, Rus ended well. We got Dovid HaMelech out of it and Moshiach of the future. Can we say that Rus had it harder than Orpah did? Orpah went back to a country that wouldn’t have received her well for turning her back on them. Did she really have it better than Rus? Easier? See, that’s my point. What seems more difficult may not be. All these difficult things may be do-able. Hashem may have made them eminently do-able, and it’s just our perception that it is too hard and we “tried everything” when, clearly, we didn’t, because the problem remains. Maybe the toxic dump that is a marriage is cleanable. Maybe the cleaning will take a year. So what? What’s a year of doing it right when it’s caused pain and suffering for decades? I don’t believe G-d is laughing. I believe He is waiting expectantly for us to begin cleaning out the debris – starting with 2 lbs. at a time.
Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.
