JEWISH INTEREST
When parents and adult children are estranged
Federation Star
May 2022
DZ
You deserve the care of a Real Estate Specialist.
5A
DEBORAH ZVIBLEMAN
Aging Jewishly — What our traditions tell us about growing old
REALTOR® | PA
By Rabbi Barbara Aiello
T
he cellphone chimed If you and your adult the first few bars child are estranged, what of Jimmy Buffett’s can you do? In Julie’s case, “Margaritaville,” jolting Julie she began to call Andy obsesout of her 10-minute aftersively, at first leaving loving noon “schlaf.” voicemail messages. When “Did I catch you sleepshe received no response, her ing?” It was Beth, Julie’s oldmessages became angry and est friend – the only person accusatory. That’s when Julie other than her husband that realized that her approach Julie speaks with every day. was harmful and unhealthy Julie responded with a for all involved. Rabbi Barbara Aiello sigh, “Yup, I was napping, Author Debbie Pincus, which is a whole lot better than thinking writing in Empowering Parents, states, back to Passover and again this year, an “But here’s the reality: it was not your empty chair at the table.” choice to sever the relationship. Although “Elijah? You were thinking about you may have contributed to the tensions Elijah’s empty chair?” Beth was confused. between you, you are not responsible for You told me you guys had a great seder.” your child’s choice to cut you off.” Julie sighed again. “We did, but when Pincus shares five options that parI see Elijah’s chair, all I can think of is ents estranged from their adult children Andy. It’s been six years since we had can apply in an attempt to resolve the seder together.” broken relationship: Andy is Julie’s adult son and, although 1. Get support – Consider joining a one might assume so, Andy has not died. parenting support group or get profesJulie’s grief is the result of a parent/child sional help for dealing with your sense estrangement that began six years ago and of grief and loss. continues to this day. And Julie says that 2. Don’t respond by cutting off she has no idea what precipitated Andy’s contact – Send birthday and holiday total disassociation from his parents messages, notes and emails. Send warmth, and siblings. love and compassion as you get on with Julie is not alone. In an article, “Famyour own life. ily Estrangement – What Causes It and 3. Don’t feed the anger – Pincus How to Deal with It” (Parenting for Brain, believes that “anger is natural but not March 2022), author Pamela Li highlights helpful,” and recommends that, without that the estrangement that occurs most assigning blame, parents should take an often is the broken relationship between objective look at family dynamics. adult children and their parents. 4. Listen to your child without In fact, a study on family estrangedefending yourself – “If the door opens ment determined that “7% percent of with your child, listen with an open adult children are estranged from mothheart.” Pincus recommends that parents ers, while 27% have no contact with who are willing to look at themselves their fathers.” In addition, a 2015 survey have a better chance at reopening lines found that among a group of 354 college of communication. students, 44% had experienced some type 5. Focus on yourself, not your child of family estrangement. – Let go of your pent-up resentments and Yet, studies show that there is no one the emotional pain that the estrangement type of interaction or style of parenting brought about. Put your efforts into nor one type of family conflict that will making changes in your own attitude trigger an estrangement, but there is one and behavior and demonstrate that you thing for certain, “parents and children’s forgive your child. reasons for estrangement differ signifiBeth heard the agony in her friend’s cantly from one another.” voice. “Understanding and compassion Julie echoes this frustration when she can come from an unlikely source,” Beth says, “I just don’t know what happened. said, as she quoted a famous Jewish young I look back on things I said and did, and woman generally not described as a parI can’t figure it out. One day he stopped enting guru — “Parents can only give good calling. He didn’t answer my texts and, advice or put them on the right paths, but through a friend, I heard that Andy the final forming of a person’s character lies decided to stop visiting us. I asked for a in their own hands.” Anne Frank reason. I got nothing.” For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello Julie and Andy’s estrangement, painserved the Aviva Campus for Senior Life ful as it is, is not uncommon. Current (Sarasota, FL) as resident rabbi. Her most studies indicate that “A higher proporpopular columns are now published in her tion of estranged parents than estranged new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on children do not know exactly why they Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and are estranged, which means children works in Italy, where she is rabbi of Italy’s first are more likely to initiate estrangement Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at than parents.” Rabbi@RabbiBarbara.com.
Past President of Temple Shalom and Federation Member since 1998. 10% of my net commission will be donated to Jewish Federation of Greater Naples in your honor.
Deborah Zvibleman, PA
ABR, AHWD, CIPS, CLHMS, PMN, RSPS, SRES, SFR,TRC
DZvibleman@johnrwood.com
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