Dec08 issue

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Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

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began flowing. For two hours I had to listen to them speaking about fantasies toward lesbianDear Editor, ism, sex toys and their uses, I would like to take this oppor- and the fine art of mingetrimming. However, when I tunity to wish you, and your attempted to change the subreaders, a very Merry Christject to football, they didn’t mas. However, I also have to want to know. They decided to point out that due to a slight have a sleep-over party later error while hunting polar and invited me. I made my exbears, I mistakenly shot Rucuses, departed, and was home dolph in the back of the head. in time for Match of the Day. I Therefore I won’t be delivering guess I had the last laugh. presents this year.

Letters To The Editor

Santa Claus, Lapland.

John Kinidiot, Denia.

Dear Editor,

Dear Editor

A couple of weeks ago, I was lucky enough to spend an evening down the pub with four attractive young ladies. After a few drinks, the conversation

Whilst leaving Lidl last week I was harassed by a man carrying a copy of your magazine. I was not amused! Kindly inform your readers/contributors or

whoever that this sort of behaviour, especially towards a lone female, is totally unacceptable No name supplied, via fax.

Editor says: Please don’t alarmed, he was part of an ongoing experiment being conducted by Cyd the Cynic.

Please read his column this month for further details.

Please re-contact us and we will send you this month’s copy.

Dear Editor

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Merry Christmas from all your pals at Netley-on-the-Water, Southhampton.

From Lt. Col. Brookes.

Comd. Army Mental Services.

When they score a goal, some players get a pat on the back by their mates..but at Manchester United they go one better!!!

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big benchsaw.Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in' 'No,' says the nurse, 'Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated’.

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Cyd the Cynic/Goodwill Week 1 To All! Monday: Food shopAs the readers of last month’s column already know, this issue I am reporting back on a month of carrying out ‘random acts of kindness’ (RAOKs).

After reading Danny Wallace’s book, Random Acts of Kindness, where he suggests that people who practice these RAOKs received far more than they gave, my cynical side was intrigued. Could I really get more than I gave? Would I really feel better about myself if I was occasionally kind to people? Are my cynical days over?

Well, bearing in mind that the season of ‘goodwill to all men’ was almost upon us, I had to try. Read on…

Explanatory note: Because I’m not really convinced about all this kindness business, I decided to start with little acts of kindness, and gradually build up to larger acts of kindness. That way, if I felt I wasn’t getting anything out of it, I wouldn’t have put too much effort into being kind, just a little bit. If I felt it was working, or if I was undecided, I could, as the month wore on, become kinder if necessary. The other advantage of not being too kind too quickly was that if it was working really well, and I was getting lots of benefit from being kind, I could just stay at my optimal (minimal) kindness level. For ease of planning, I decided to get kinder (if I felt it necessary) on a week-by-week basis.

ping in Lidl. Have a feeling that no matter how great my ‘random acts of kindness’ become, I will still never be able to give any money to that lazy bastard who sits next to the trolleys all day, hoping someone will give them the euro they get back after returning their trolley. If he played some kind of instrument, if he offered to help people with their shopping, even if he could just be arsed to write a witty sign, I might feel more inclined to make a donation to his beer/ drugs fund. But I just can’t bring myself to reward someone for just sitting on their arse. Sorry. And while I’m on the subject of begging, what, in the name of sanity, possesses them to beg outside a Lidl store anyway? You’re hardly likely to dosh-up a beggar while your wife and kids are sitting in the car in tears after seeing what garbage they’ve got to live on for the next week. Jeez!

Anyway, on with the RAOKs. I’m standing in the queue for the till, and so, inevitable, a middle-aged Spanish woman pushes in front of me. Instead of the usual ‘accidental’ trolleyram such a person would normally get from me (“Oh, I’m sorry, did that hit you in the back? Hope it didn’t hurt too much. You don’t bruise easily, do you?”) I just smile and let her continue. My reward? Her 6

friend, sensing weakness, pushes in front too! I can’t believe it! Instead of feeling better, I am seething with rage.

On the drive home I decide I can’t give up at the first hurdle.

I decide to let all other drivers pull out in front of me, if safe to do so. Incidentally, I continued with this practice for the whole month. I allowed every vehicle I saw waiting to join the traffic pull out in front of me, if conditions allowed. The only drivers who acknowledged their thanks to me were those on UK plates, and one Spanish truck driver (although, to be honest, he look more surprised than grateful). Try it yourself if you don’t believe me.

Week 2 Monday: Food shopping in Lidl (Incidentally, since starting this journal I have noticed that my life consists of sitting at this damn keyboard and shopping at Lidl. Note to self: Get a life!).

This week I have decided to raise my RAOKs to the level of actually parting with some of my hard-earned cash. Conveniently, as I get out of my car I

am approached by a young lady with a clip board collecting for some charity or other. Instead of my usual trick of patting down my pockets and repeatedly saying the word ‘Nada’ (a trick which loses some of its effectiveness as soon as she sees me putting a euro in the trolley, I might add) I generously hand her a euro before she can even speak! But before I get to savour any feelings of well being after such a kind act, she insists on taking my name and address, along with the amount of my contribution.

As, at this point, I am simultaneously holding my wallet, my phone, my car keys and a trolley-bound euro, I drop my phone as I grasp her pen. The screen cracks on it and I can

no longer receive incoming calls.

Any blossoming feelings of good will are quickly buried by another seething rage. Any queue jumping, middle-aged Spanish women had better be wearing full body armour, that’s all I can say!

Week 3 Monday: Food shopping in Lidl.

Am unsure as to what ROAK I can perform this week. It has to have a higher ‘kindness rating’ than last week. I am still pondering what to do while I am

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queuing to pay for my shopping. I put a couple of carrier bags on top of my shopping (for those readers lucky

enough never to have shopped at Lidl, the store makes you pay for their carrier bags). The woman behind me in the queue asks me if I want any carrier bags. I can’t believe she could have failed to notice me put them on top of my shopping, or the fact that they are still sitting there, in plain view. I decide she must be a bit of a nutter, so I ignore her. She asks again. I turn to her with a sarcastic answer forming in my brain when I see that she is offering me some plastic bags that she has brought in herself, from a different supermarket.

She is performing a ROAK on me! I accept the free bags, put the Lidl ones back, and say to her, “Sorry I didn’t answer you the first time you spoke but…”

I just manage to stop myself before I say, “but I thought you were a bit of a nutter.” I pay for my shopping and leave, racking my brains for a way to perform a ROAK on her. I get back to the car and discover the only thing I have of any value is last month’s copy of The Smugger. I put the shopping in the car, then spot her getting into her car. I chase after her, waving the magazine at her. I know she spots me out of the corner of her eye, and am a bit surprised to see her noticeable speed up, to what is undoubtedly an inappropriate speed for a supermarket car park. She pulls dangerously into the traffic and rapidly disappears from view.

The realisation dawns on me that she must now think I’m a bit of a nutter.

Week 4 Monday: Food shopping in Lidl. (Note: As the more astute reader would have by now no doubt realised, I am still yet to get a life.) Have to admit that I am getting seriously pissed off with this ‘kindness’ kick.

Decide to revert to my former self for the final week, to see if things improve for me. Again, I am joining the queue at Lidl when another middle-aged Spanish woman decides to try her luck by attempting to push in front of me. I raise my arm, ostensibly to scratch my nose, but it brings my elbow menacingly close to her throat. I leave it there, a look of grim determination on my face. I see a flicker of hesitation in her eyes, and know I have won! She tries to save face by pretending she was looking at some sweets by the side of the till but we both know the truth. A warm glow of satisfaction engulfs me. I feel better already.

Then, suddenly, a woman in front of me (German) drops a jar of coffee. While she returns to the aisles to get another jar I shamelessly take her place in the queue. She gives me a filthy look when she returns but I just smile sarcastically. God, this feels good! I’ve been on this kindness kick for 8

so long I’ve forgotten just how good being nasty feels. I look around wolfishly for another victim. The till girl has taken off her watch and has left it by the till. While she is helping the person she is serving I could easily slip it in my pocket.

If the old lady behind me says anything I could always drop kick…. Whoa! What am I saying? Where is this leading? I pay for my shopping and leave.

On the drive home I decide to stop trying to deny my natural state. I wasn’t put on this earth to be kind. But I wasn’t put on this earth to be nasty either. I, Cyd le Cynic, was put here to be cynical. I drive home a happy, contented man.

(Important Note: No middle-aged Spanish women were hurt during the making of this journal.)

A young couple left the

chemist and gets some 'Nair' church and arrived at the ho- hair remover. tel where they were spending At the register the chemist tells the first night of their honey- her 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use demoon. They opened the champagne and began undress- odorant for a few days.'

The young lady says 'I'm not ing. When the bridegroom using it under my arms.' removed his socks, his new The chemist says 'If you're uswife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look ing it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' all mangled and weird.

The young lady says 'I'm not 'I had tolio as a child,' he answered. 'You mean polio?' she using it on my legs either, and if asked. 'No, tolio. The disease you must know it's for my Schnauzer.' only affected my toes.'

When the groom took off his The chemist says 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.’ pants, his bride once again asked 'What's wrong with Redneck Birth In the back your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!' 'As a child, I woods of West Virginia, the also had kneasles,' he exredneck's wife went into labour plained. 'You mean measles?' in the middle of the night, and she asked. 'No, kneasles. It the doctor was called out was a strange illness that only to assist in the delivery. Since affected my knees.' there was no electricity, the The new bride had to be satis- doctor handed the father-to be fied with this answer. a lantern and said, "Here, you As the undressing continued, hold this high so I can see what her husband at last removed I'm doing. " Soon, a baby boy his underwear. 'Don't tell me,' was brought into the world. she said. 'Let me guess...

"Whoa there," said the doctor.

Smallcox?'

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come. "Sure A young lady found out her little dog could hardly hear enough, within minutes he had so she took it to the veterinar- delivered a baby girl. "No, no, ian. He found the problem was don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It hair in its ears and cleaned seems there's yet another one both ears and the dog could in there!" cried the doctor. The hear fine.

Redneck scratched his head in The vet told the young lady if bewilderment, and asked the she wanted to keep this doctor, "You reckon it's the from recurring she should go light that's attractin' 'em?" to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in A husband and wife who its ears once a month.

The young lady goes to the have been married 20 years 9

were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this BBQ." She ignored the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the BBQ, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the BBQ!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the BBQ for one little sausage, you are sadly mistaken."

"The scene is set, night, cold, campfire, stars twinkle in the dark night sky...Three hang-glider pilots, one from Britain, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, Each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins....Kiven, the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there es.

Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose from the swamp which ate sux men before I wrestled et to

the ground... weth my bare hends".

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered.

"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.

I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and beet it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here todaiy".

Billy the Brit remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

2nd "I need this parade like I need a Fucking hole in the head!"

-JFK,1963 And,.....drum roll........ The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word.................

"Aw c'mon. Who the Fuck is going to find out?"

- Bill Clinton, 1997.

A real good one-liner What is the Clinton era referred to as?

Sex between the Bushes!

Top ten times in history, when using the "f" word was appropriate.

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted 10th - "Scattered Fucking replied. "My first wife died of showers, my ass!" cancer, my second wife Noah, 4314 BC turned out to be a lesbian and 9th "How the Fuck did you ran off with another woman work that out?" and took all our savings, my - Pythagorus, 126 BC son's in prison for trying to kill 8th "You want WHAT on the me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was Fucking ceiling?" hit by a low-flying aircraft, my - Michelangelo, 1566 vintage car rolled off the dock7th "Where did all those side into the sea, I had to have Fucking Indians come from?" my dog put down recently, my - Custer, 1877 doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it 6th "It does so Fucking look all my business has just gone like her!" bust."

- Picasso, 1926 "Oh dear, that sounds terrible."

5th "Where the Fuck are we?" Ed said. "What business were you in?"

- Amelia Earhart, 1937 "I sell lucky charms," said Ted. 4th "Any Fucking idiot could understand that."

A Chelsea fan dies on - Einstein, 1938 match day and goes to heaven 3rd - "What the Fuck was in his Chelsea shirt. He knocks that?" on the old pearly gates and out - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 10

walks St. Peter in a Man Utd scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Chelsea fans in heaven." "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Chelsea fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man", he replies.

"Oh really", says St. Peter.

"What have you done, then ?"

"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".

"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"

"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.

Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them "Is everyone ok?"

In the distance a voice shouts out "Liverpool will win the league".

Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!".

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan

and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for 10 minutes.

Akmed took the bucket went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for 10 minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick" "Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Carlos, I really need you at work today. When I feel like you I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can feel great, I be at work soon.

You got nice go to house." work. You should try that."

Two hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I

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One afternoon a little girl doc". The doctor answers: "I'm ning you both. Make sure he is returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well...

OK... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies.

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said "Oh Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he .immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.

You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,

sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my > penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,always want to opelate. Make mole money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fan12

totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." They go home and follow the therapist's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, sonny!!!!!

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit.

That's right, shit! Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,

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forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too

much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of life. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

fore."...The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.

They then decided they both Two nuns are riding their would walk. bikes down the back streets of Soon they passed some more Rome. One leans over to the people who thought they were other and says, "You know, I've stupid to walk when they had a never come this way be-

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they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!!!!!!!

telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, A man returns from a "there is myself, my foreign holiday and is feeling cousin Sean, my next very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and door neighbour Seamus, and the entire is immediately rushed to the dart team from the hospital to undergo tests. pub. That makes The man wakes up after the eight!" Osama paused. tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in bed rings. my army waiting to move on "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your my command." tests and we've found you have "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll an extremely nasty STD called have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have Herpes!" managed to acquire some in"Oh my gosh," cried the man, fantry equipment!" "And what "What are you going to do, equipment would that be, doctor?"

Paddy?" Osama asked. "Well, "Well we're going to put you we have two combines, a bullon a diet of pizzas, pancakes, dozer, and Murphy's farm tracand pita bread." tor." Osama sighed. "I must tell "Will that cure me???" asked you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, tanks and 14,000 armoured but... it's the only food we can personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 get under the door." million since we last spoke.

"Saints preserve us!" said Osama bin Laden was Paddy. "I'll have to get back to sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his you."

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Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laserguided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again

the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners".

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 18 and 20 a Between 61 and 70, a woman is woman is like Africa, half dislike Mongolia, with a glorious covered, half wild, naturally and all conquering past but alas, beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is no future.

After 70, they become Afghanilike America, well developed and open to trade especially for stan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants someone with cash. to go there.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and Between 15 and 70 a convinced of her own beauty.

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man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's myhusband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accidentdown at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.

"Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,

Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," said Mick.

"And how did you do it?"

Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this. ,damn! .......There goes another one!"

Mahoney said to his friend Mc Maken, "I haven't Mary Clancy goes up to been feelin' meself Father O'Grady after his lately!"

Sunday morning service…

"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" and she's in tears.

He says, "So - what's bother- responded Mc Maken. ing you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've An Irishman who had a got terrible news. My huslittle too much to drink is band passed away last driving home from the night." city one night and, of course, The priest says, "Oh, Mary, his car is weaving violently that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, all over the road. A cop pulls did he have any last rehim over. "So," says the cop quests?" to the driver, "where She says, "Aye, That he did, have you been?"

Father..."

"Why, I've been to the pub of The priest says, "What did course" slurs the drunk. he ask, Mary?"

"Well," says the cop, "it looks She says, "He said, 'Please, like you've had quite a few to Mary, put down that damn drink this evening". gun...'"

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

Two Irishmen are sitting "Did you know," says the in a small town bar, where cop, standing straight and Mick bragged to Sean, "You folding his arms across his know, I had me every chest, "that a few intersecwoman in this town, except tions back, your wife fell out of course, me mother and of your car?" me sister."

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs "Well," Sean replied, the drunk. "For a minute "between you and me we got there, I thought I'd 'em all." gone fekin deaf."

Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.

Just before the morning

One day, a Smartie and a

Suddenly the pub doors wings open and in walks a Humbug.

Fuck me shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

What the fuck are you doing that for? says Smartie.

That humbug always gives me aright good kicking when ever I see him, so I’m hiding from him says Polo.

You should stand up to him says Smartie. He’ll respect you more if you do.

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

Fuck off you stripy wanker, or Ill knock the fucking shit out of you, says Polo.

Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink says Humbug.

Told you so says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

Fuck me shouts Polo again diving under the table.

What the fuck are you doing that for again says Smartie.

I know you said stand up to bullies, but that’s Tune says Polo.

So what? says Smartie.

He’s fucking menthol says Polo.

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

Paddy calls Easyjet to

book a flight. The operator Polo were having a drink in the asks 'How many people are pub. flying with you?'

18

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the in them! night. After 3 hours of amazing 5. Your body reminds me of a sex Paddy says 'I wonder how spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts the girls are getting on' tighten up!

6. You might not be the best Paddy takes his new wife looking girl in here, but beauty to bed on their wedding night. is only a light switch away!

She undresses & lies on the bed spread eagled & says 'You Paddy & his wife are know what I want don't you?' lying in bed & the neighbours 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell friggin bed by the looks of it!' with this!' & storms off.

Paddy's chat up lines: He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just you do?' blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how 'Cos your special!

19

they like it!'

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!' She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his sheep have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'What's his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

Aggravated Auntie Problem Solver To The Ex-Pat Family.

Q. My husband goes off to the toilet every morning with a copy of The Smuggler and is gone for at least half an hour!

He says that it takes that long to “bake a brownie” as he puts it but I think he is just using it as an excuse to get out of helping me get breakfast and walk the Labradors etc. Surely it can’t take that long? (Betty, La Nucia)

your age it could be anything making you do those things really. I suspect you might just be completely batty. I think you should seek professional medical advice. I can’t help you with the computer problems I’m afraid. After all, you wouldn’t go into your friendly computer repair shop and download all your personal problems onto them just because they spoke English would Auntie says: Well, you could you? Or would you….? take away his copy of The Smuggler but that would be Q. My wife and I are hoping to too cruel! I suggest you crum- come out to Spain to live full ble some form of laxative into time in the New Year. I am his evening meal. In the morn- not really qualified to do anying he will have a quick “Nestlé thing work-wise and neither is splat” and it will all be over my wife having both lived on very quickly. No more exbenefits for the past 20 years. cuses.

Will that be a drawback when it comes to getting a job out Q. My computer is broken. I here? (Stan, Bolton) think it has a Venus spy-trap and some Trojan horses as Auntie says: Not at all! well. It has wiped out my Many people like yourselves rewhole memory and I personally invent themselves on the plane think that is why I keep trying on the way over here. When to let myself into my you decide what you want to neighbours house with my be, simply print up some busihouse key, doing things like ness cards, professional looking putting ice-cream in the micro- posters and stick an ad in some wave with the grill on and try- expat mags and in no time at all ing to ring friends using my Sky you will be inundated with remote control. I am also con- work. It does mean learning vinced I am the “Lady in Red” on the job (or as some like to who Chris de Burgh sings call it “bodgeing it”) but it pays about and that one day soon he the bills. If you muck up the will come and whisk me away job, it really doesn’t matter, to a better life. I am 89. (Evie, just move on to the next cusPiles) tomer and change your mobile phone number. May I suggest Auntie says: Well lovey, at becoming a plumber?

20

Q. I have recently moved to a lovely little valley with my boyfriend. I am happy here but felt a bit lonely at first so answered an ad in the paper advertising a group wanting to meet other “like-minded people” in the area. The woman seemed very nice on the phone so I went along. I was shocked and horrified to find out it was a group of swingers! Even when they told me they were swingers, I thought it was some kind of music and dance group. But, being English, I was too polite to leave so spent the evening in bed with a middle-aged fat man performing cunnilingus and having anal sex while shackled to a bed. Now I feel guilty and don’t know whether to tell my boyfriend. (Sandra, Jalon) Auntie says: Goodness me, you have got into a pickle haven’t you? I rather think that your boyfriend will be appalled and not a little disgusted by your behaviour. I suggest you keep your mouth and legs shut and your mind more open in future. You really are going to have difficulty living over here if you are so naïve. Keep reading this magazine to help give you a more balanced view of ex-pat life.

Q. I was in Kwik Save the other day stocking up on cans of cider, turned around to shout at my wife and she had gone! I can’t go and see if she is with her best friend as she

21

still has an injunction out against me (I suffer from I.E.A.D. – Intermittent Explosive Arsy Disorder) and my wife’s family have threatened to break my knee-caps if I ever contact them again. Where do you think my wife is? (Keith, Pedreguer) Auntie says: Well, on the optimistic side, is she a Mum? Could she have gone to Iceland? On the pessimistic side I think she might just have seen her chance and legged it.

Good luck to her, I say!

Despite inevitably spending Christmas alone again this year may I just take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I look forward to receiving all your postfestive season problems in 2009.

You Have Been Warned Twice

More from ‘Aggrovated Auntie’ in next months issue.

If you have a problem you would like her to give advice on, the email her at editor@thesmuggler.es, or pop onto the forum at www.thesmuggler.es and post your problems there.

(Ed) Bumper Stickers.

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.

I brake for fairys, elves, gnomes, the toothfairy, the easter bunny, santa and other little creatures that only I can see

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23

sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight she yells hand lotion!!!

When the

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They got undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun...."It's a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool .... and

store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue doublebreasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought 24

we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg.

The average man's p***s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

25

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

There is a factory in When they get there the line is Northern Minnesota which so backed up that there are makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you Tickle Me Elmo's all over the tickle it under the arms. Well, factory floor and they're really Lena is hired at The Tickle Me beginning to pile up.

Elmo factory & she reports for At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains her first day at 8:00 am.

26

of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

27

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Fuck...a talking pig!"

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for"?

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea

with the Queen. He Asks her what her leadership philosophy is.

She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.

"Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Gordon Brown and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.

Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Gordon Brown responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child 28

is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb bastard."Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Gordon Brown."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said

the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge

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The Ragged Clown/The library are a closely Smuggler’s Secret Bunker guarded secret, but Hidden deep below the Montgo Mountain, protected by a contingent of crack Policia Local operatives trained in unarmed combat, pistol shooting and advanced school-crossing techniques, lies The Smuggler’s Secret Bunker. Most of the space is taken up by the editor’s vast store of wealth – gold, silver, priceless antiques, his Barry Manilow record collection – but it also contains The Smuggler’s library. Here you will find some of the world’s most precious texts.

Access is denied to all but a select few – heads of state, His Holiness The Pope, top academics, oh, and one night me and a couple of Romanian hookers when we had no where else to go (but that’s another story, probably for another magazine).

Usually, the contents of the

with the recent boxoffice success of the latest Bond film, Quantum Of Solace, top Smuggler executives decided that the time was right for one text to be released to the public. So, it is with very great pleasure that we present to you the first James Bond story ever, written by Ian Fleming when he was 13½. I give you –

Tuck Shop Royale James Bond studied the outside of the school building, his icy, no, steely gaze taking in all the details: entrances and exits, windows where a hasty departure, if the need arose, could be made, hiding places where a crafty fag could be taken. Satisfied he knew the layout, Bond strode purposefully towards the main door.

Before opening the door, Bond checked his Timex, an Adventurer model, waterproof to a depth of 5 metres, and hewn out of a piece of solid plastic. It’s big luminous dial read 5:15pm.

The teachers would be getting ready for their dinner, tired after a hard day of Latin and history, geography and 30

bullying. The perfect time to strike!

He entered the building and crouched down in the hallway.

If he were discovered now, the jig would be up. He could expect no mercy from his captors. Their punishment would be swift, harsh and final – six of the best, a week’s detention, and immediately cessation of tuck shop privileges. Bond checked his inside jacket pocket, and was reassured by the solid feel of his trusty catapult. Made of the finest polished ash, his catapult had seen him through some extremely sticky situations. He had his own supply of conkers shipped over to him from Ireland, and he took great care in making sure each one was roasted to perfection, had no lumps or bumps that would effect it’s accuracy, and had no cracks or fissures which might mean it shattered on impact, lessening their force. Satisfied all was well, Bond moved stealthily on.

He crept up the stairs, all his

senses alert. At the top he stopped for a moment and listened. All was well. Then he headed towards his destination – the head teacher’s office.

Reaching the door he opened it and entered, without knocking!

Inside, sitting behind his desk stroking his pussy, was his archenemy – Ernst Stavro Jenkins!

“Ah, Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you,” he said, slightly mispronouncing some of the words due to the peashooter he had in his mouth. A peashooter that was aimed directly at Bond’s chest!

“Kindly reach into your inside jacket pocket, and using just two fingers remove the catapult you are undoubtedly hiding there.”

Bond complied, his mind calmly checking all his options. This was not the first time he had faced the business end of a peashooter. Jenkins continued, “Now put it on the table, and consider it confiscated.” Bond walked over to the table and carefully placed the catapult on a pile of unmarked homework with his right hand. Suddenly, he swung his left hand viciously at a copy of the Guardian resting on the desk. The paper flew into Jenkin’s face and sent the deadly peashooter flying.

Bond leapt over the desk and started to give his foe a Chinese burn. But Jenkin’s was nobody’s fool, and using his superior strength he pulled Bond around and gave him a dead leg.

Bond fell to the floor and rolled around in agony. Jen-

kins, seeing his enemy was incapacitated, calmly reached for the catapult. But a look of surprise spread over his face as he turned back to Bond and saw his own peashooter aimed directly at him.

With a sudden sharp breath Bond sent a hardened pea shooting through the air. Jenkins, with cat like reflexes moved to the side, but not quickly enough. A glancing blow from the pea snap his head back and Jenkins went down.

Bond stood up and smooth down his perfectly tailored Armani suit, then quipped, “He was starting to pea me off,” and moved warily towards Jenkin’s inner office.

Opening the door and peering inside, he found a naked lady lying on a bed. She smiled seductively at him while playing with her hair.

He stared for a moment at her pert, round breasts, her long, shapely legs, and her curly blonde hair, and then said, “You’d best put something on, dear. It’s getting chilly in the evenings now.”

Glancing around the room, he spied what he’d risked so much for. Sitting on a shelf was his limited edition, die-cast model of an Aston Martin DB3, 31

confiscated earlier that day by Jenkins during French class.

Bond slipped it into his pocket and bid the lady a good night.

Strolling home he looked forward to his pre-dinner drink, full-fat milk with nutmeg sprinkles, shaken not stirred.

The Smuggler Restaurant Review. ☺☺☺☺☺- Excellent

☺☺☺☺ - Good ☺☺☺ - Average ☺☺ - Poor ☻ - Shit Hole THIS MONTH ~ McDonald’s of Javea Nestled conveniently between the Arenal and the Old Town, McDonald’s of Javea is rapidly gaining a reputation for serving fine food at a reasonable cost.

FOOD: For starter I chose the Chicken McNuggets. This dish is offered in a choice of six or nine pieces of delicious, perfected cooked white meat chicken in a light crispy batter. I decided on the six option, because I believe it is a sin not to leave room for one of McDonald’s succulent desserts. As a compliment I had the Barbeque sauce – a delicate, wellprepared condiment, with stacks of flavour.

For the main course you can’t go wrong with the

house speciality - the Big Mac, an explosion of tastes and textures, this burger will satisfy the biggest of appetites. My wife, being a little less adventurous, opted for the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Again, a wellthought out burger, although the gherkin will not be to everyone’s taste.

It’s worth taking your time over the choice of dessert, as all are excellent and deserve to be savoured. I went for the fantastic McFlurry, a mixture of rich ice cream and a choice of chocolate sprinkles creating a subtle flavour and a satisfying end to the meal. My wife, again being a little more traditional, went for the apple pie. The clever addition of cinnamon to this dish adds true depth to the flavour and is, in my opinion, a clever twist on an old favourite.

For drinks I’d recommend Coca-Cola, which is made from a secret recipe known only to two people in the entire world!

DÉCOR: Bright, fresh and comfortable.

PRICE: For a meal with a drink the price is an 32

amazing €6.40, although this does not include dessert. However, I would whole-heartedly recommend the ‘go large’ option, which is only an extra 60 cents. Truly great value!

GENERAL COMMENTS: Parking is no problem as they have their own car park. Booking is not essential, although it can get busy on Friday and Saturday nights. I must admit that I have long been a fan of McDonald’s of Javea, and I have become a bit of a regular. They have opened another restaurant in Denia, so I’m glad to see their business is expanding. All round a great dining experience, with much to commend it.

If you haven’t been yet, you are truly missing out!

The Smuggler Restaurant Review Final Score: ☺☺☺☺☺ Final Note: The reviewer of this restaurant paid for his meal in full, and did not reveal his identity to any of the staff.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met

by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

33

Ref: I'm sending you off.

Vidic: What for?

Ref: The rest of the match you retard!

Steven Gerrard goes to the doctor's and says" doc every time I look in the mirror I get a hard-on" the Doctor replies "that's because your a big cunt�

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Fucking Man Utd. Joe Kinea has stated he intends to bring a lot of new faces to Newcastle United.

Peter Beardsley is reported to have asked for one.

"Can you manage?" he asks her The old lady replies: "A lot fucking better than you can"

Two Newcastle fan's girlfriends are having a chat, one says, "After you've had sex does your arsehole twitch"?

The other says "Nur, he just rurls owa and gans te sleep".

A Liverpool

family were out shopping and ended up in a sports shop. Little Shaun suddenly puts on a Man Joe Kinea was nicked for United shirt and says to his speeding on his way to St. sister 'Look, I'm a United fan!'

James' Park today.

Police said he'd do fucking any- His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show thing for 3 points. their mum. He wanders over Q: What's the worst thing to his mum and says Ma look, about Newcastle's St. James' 'I'm a Man Utd fan' His mother Park? also slaps him across the face and orders him to show his A:The seat's face the pitch.

Q: What's the difference be- dad. He finds his dad and say's 'Da', da', I'm a Man U fan' His tween a Chelsea fan and a Vidad looks at him and then he brator? also slaps him across the face.

A: A Chelsea fan is a real dick. On their way home in the car the family turn to him and say Manchester United 'Well we hope you've learned physio's have suggested that Wayne Roonie may be able to something today' To which little Shaun replies 'Yeah, I've play football if he has a cortionly been a Man U fan for sone injection. twenty minutes and I already Ronaldo said "if that bugger's hate you scouse bastards!' having a new car, I want one too".

BUTLINS:Proud new sponJoe Kinea is in Tesco's sors of West Ham United. where he sees an old dear Because our season ends in struggling with her shopping.

October too!!

34

Steven Gerrard goes to the doctor's and says" doc every time I look in the mirror I get a hard-on" the Doctor replies "that's because your a big cunt�

A blonde got a job as a teacher.

On her first day she noticed a boy in the field standing alone while all the other kids were running around having fun. She took pity on him and decided to speak to him.

'You o.k.?' she said.

'Yes,' he said.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she said.

'It's best that I stay here,' he said.

'Why?' said the blonde.

The boy replied, 'Because I'm the f***ing goalie!'

35

A couple were going out

My Dad came in to my

for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

room one night and said, "Son, Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

I said to him "For f*cks sake dad, you mean you haven't got me anything for my birthday again."

Somalian pirates steal a ship full of well sought out oil.

Two days later, oil is being sold at three year low. And they wonder why they live in poverty their business skills are f*cking awful.

I was at my brothers side the night he died.

I remember his last words to me: "I wont dip my headlights until THEY do."

All the computer screens have been stolen from local schools in the London area.

Police are monitoring the situation......

The headline,

"Three Knifed At moved to England she said she Urban Music wanted to feel more ' English '. Awards" should She is now an unmarried, single have read... mother with three kids (one of "Surprisingly Little Violence Amongst a them black) from different faLarge Gathering of thers. Job done !

Blacks"

When Madonna first

Next week I'm going to have an MRI scan........... to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia.

I went to the Midget Olympics in Birmingham last week, my friends 36

think it's stupid. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with a little competition.

I went to a fortune teller last week and she told me a lot of money is coming my way.

I walked out really excited.. and got hit by a Securicor van.

All this stuff about women having multiple orgasms in bollocks! I've had 37 lovers in my life and not one of them has had a single orgasm!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't

stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.

Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped

his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip.

It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

37

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: ' I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says................

'Grandpa!...... Go home!

You're drunk!'

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want

to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch.....

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there any more.

38

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-theheadlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to 39

pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband

40

starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

41

SANTA RESPONSIBLE FOR ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER Even though it is widely accepted that the worldwide credit crisis will have a devastating effect on consumer spending this Christmas, Royturds News Agency has received evidence that the hardship on the high street will be nothing compared to the devastation that the Amazon rain forest is now suffering.

Despite claims that Santa Clause doesn’t exist, a secret Email sent to our offices not only proves his existence, but that he is apparently responsible for an ecological nightmare.

The report states that Santa Clause, formerly known as St. Nicholas, has been put under a great deal of strain due to the economic boom China has experienced over the last few years. This, in turn, has resulted in great swathes of The Amazon basin being swept away due to the rising demand for chopsticks.

Contrary to common belief, it is now understood that, in the past, not all Chinese people were able to gorge on bowlfuls of rice everyday. Most of the working classes, which were the vast majority of the population, only ate dirt; with a side salad of grass if they were lucky. Only a few of the elite could afford rice, and even then just a handful of them could stretch to owning a pair of chopsticks. Now, however, over 90% of Chinese people con-

sider themselves middleclass, and the demand for rice, and chopsticks, has gone through the roof. The ability to acquire a set of chopsticks is virtually impossible. Even when available, prices are equal to 6 months wages. However, due to easy access to the internet, it seems that the Chinese came across a solution to this problem.

Word got around that some bloke living on the North Pole would give you anything that you desired; all that was required was to send him a simple letter stating what it was that you wanted, then toward the end of December you would receive the goods, completely free of charge. Now Mr. Clause has been inundated with over a billion requests for these simple eating utensils, and being as he is committed to fulfilling every request, drastic measures have had to be taken.

The amount of waste has been astronomical, most of which is being disposed of in the Amazon River; resulting in the water taking on the appearance of porridge, and grinding to a halt.

This has put tremendous stress on local inhabitants, with frequent reports of orang-utans slapping each other about, and monkeys kicking the shit out of parrots. Even local tribes people have taken to licking poisonous frogs in order to achieve a high, then running around in Tens of thousands of Santa’s circles shouting, `Lordy, oh elves were ordered to make Lordy, my bottom’s on fire!´ their way to the Amazon basin, armed with axes and chainsaws.

In light of these events, we It’s been estimated that an area voiced our concern to a number the size of the Earth is being of environmental organisations, felled on a daily basis in order but have up until now only reto satisfy demand. Due to the ceived one reply. In a curt relogistical problems of transportsponse, Bob Geldolf told us to ing logs up to the North Pole, “stop talking such shite” and the whittling down of the lum“maybe consider getting a ber has had to be done on site. proper job.”

However, elves are very poor whittlers, and a rough calculation shows that only three sets December 2008: Royturds News of chopsticks are being pro- Agency. duced from every tree felled.

42

Bill worked in a pickle your elbow, I'm in room factory..

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'

221.'

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

A middle-aged

woman Seemed sheepish as she Visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years! There's A man bumps into a nothing you can't tell me.' woman in a hotel lobby 'This one's kind of and as he does, his elbow strange...' 'Let me be the goes into her breast. They judge of that,' are both quite starThe doctor replied. tled. The man turns to her 'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I and says, 'Ma'am, if your went to the bathroom in heart is as soft as your the morning and heard a breast, I know you'll forplink-plink-plink in the toigive me.' She replies, 'If let and when I looked down, the water was full of your penis is as hard as 43

cents.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plinkplink-plink, there were 20cent pieces in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were 50 cent’s !

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' 'You're simply going through the change'

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of "Farmers

Weekly."

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah?

Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, and says, "Okay."

He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

44

A girl goes to her new boyfriend's parents' house for a Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The girl is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her new boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under her chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The girl thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the girl smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later she had to let yet another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing Or perhaps an Ocean liners steam whistles.

Well, you get the point!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

Work-Life Balance In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the US Open, was Gene Sara45

zen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: F--k work. Play golf.

‘Don’t Forget’ to get them shoe boxes into Magnolias For the Xmas Appeal.

Smuggler Puzzle Page

Solutions Page 63

Easy

Anagrams Use your imagination with these old classics.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Heads or Tails.

Schoolmaster.

The nudist colony.

Starting price.

The active volcano.

Actors.

Admirer.

The Arabian Desert.

The Arctic Circle.

Astronomers .

Riddle Hard 1.A horse travels a certain distance

each day. Strangely enough, two of its legs travel 30 kilometers each day and the other two legs travel nearly 31 kilometers. It would seem that two of the horse's legs must be a kilometer ahead of the other two legs, but of course this is not the case. Since the horse is quite normal, how is this situation possible?

2.Two hours ago it was as long after one o'clock in the afternoon as it was before one o'clock in the morning. What time is it now?

46

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger..

In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, lookshim square in the eye and says, Listen very carefully for.... the....last....f**king time, I said..... 'BRING POSSE'

47

‘Frankly I can’t see the resemblance.’

48

49

A few minutes before the Adam when it happened. Oh church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Dear Mum & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay.

Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for

yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and 50

swimming out to the rapids.

Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.

You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always your only son Johnnie.

51

Pat is driving down the M1 from Belfast to Dublin towing a "Horse Box" behind him is a Police car. The horse Box is weaving so the Police pull Pat in. Policeman says to Pat "Weaving a bit there Pat. Where are you going" "Taking the horses to the races" said Pat. "Can I look in the horse box" said the policeman to make sure the horses are alright. "Sure" says Pat. The policeman opened the door and looked inside. He turned to Pat and said" It's empty thought you said you was taking horses to the races. "I am" said Pat "I'm taking the "NON RUNNERS " first.

A woman scanned the

guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most--cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked. "Bob Titsenbeer"

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" asked one.

"Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can

52

visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK!?"

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen to her if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them herself.

hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched, and showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friend.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady, addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £5 missing.

I think those thieving b****rs at the Post Office must have taken it.

Sincerely, Edna

A postman was given the job of processing all the mail that had illegible addresses at Christmas.

One day, a letter came addressed 'To God' in a shaky handwriting, but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy A five-Euro note walks food with, have no family to into a bar. Bartender says, "Get turn to, and you are my only 53

outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around, admiring the room and he soon notices that there are big lumps of meat hanging on the ceiling.

He then says to the bartender, "Why have you got all this meat hanging around?''.

The barman says, 'It's a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all of your drinks

bought for you. If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it'? The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, "No, the stakes are to high." (stakes/steaks)

54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

A letter was left on the dining room table: My Dear Wife: You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

A man joined a very

exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

My Dear Husband, Smiling, she lead him to the I received your letter and thank side of the swimming pool, laid you for your honesty. I would down on a towel eagerly pulled like to take this opportunity to him to her and happily let him remind you that you are also have his way with her.

54 years old.

Later, the man continued to At the same time I would like explore t he colony's facilities. to inform you that while you He entered the sauna and as he read this, I will be at the Hotel sat down, he farted. Within Fiesta with Michael, my tennis seconds a huge, hairy man lumcoach who, like your secretary, bered out of the steam room is also 18 years old. As a suctoward him. "Did you call for cessful businessman and with me?" asked the hairy man. your excellent knowledge of "No, what do you mean?" remath, you will understand that plied the newcomer. we are in the same "You must be new." answered situation, although with one the hairy man, "It's a rule that if small difference: 18 goes into you fart, it implies that you 54

called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked Receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours.

You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.'

She says. 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear. 'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'

An Essex girl was driving

Sharon: 'Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!'

down the A13 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the An EsA13.

Please be careful!' sex girl 'It's not just one car!' said the and an Essex girl, 'There's hundreds of Irish guy are in a bar when the them!'

Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Another Essex girl was Irish guy is wearing.

She says, 'Scuse me mate, I aint involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. being funny or nuffink, but why The paramedics arrive and drag doz one of your wellies 'ave an the girl out of the car till she's L on it and the uva one's got an flat out on the floor.

R on it?'

Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check So the Irish guy smiles, puts if you're concussed.' down his glass of Guinness and Sharon: 'Ok.' replies, 'Well, oim a little bit Medic: 'How many fingers am I tick you see. The one wit the R putting up?' on it is for me roight foot and 55

the one wit the L is for me Left foot' 'Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.' She says 'I'll take the red one.'

The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals'

The Cremated HusbandMartha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his Ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Frank, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Frank, Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the Ashes she said, "Frank, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought It too, With the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Frank, remember that blow job I promised you?" "Here it comes" Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

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This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised

he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy.....there's that blithering idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped A broke blonde decided or broken. to ask God for help. 'Dear Now the fun Lord,' she prayed, 'if I don't get part begins. some cash, I'm gonna lose eve- Take out the literature from rything. Please let me win the the box and read it carefully. lottery.'

You will notice that in small Lottery night came, but the print there is a statement: blonde didn't win. So she 'Every Rectal Thermometer prayed even harder, saying, made by Johnson &Johnson is 'God, why have you forsaken personally tested'. me? My children are starving.

Now, close your eyes and rePlease just let me win this peat out loud five times, 'I am once.' so GLAD I do not work in the Suddenly there was a blinding thermometer quality control flash of light, and the blonde department at Johnson heard God speak. &Johnson.'

'Sweetheart, work with me on John O'Reilly hoisted his this,' he said. 'At least buy a beer and said, 'Here's to spendfucking ticket .' ing the rest of me life, between When you have an 'I the legs of me wife!'

Hate My Job' day, try this: That won him the top prize at On your way home from work, the pub for the best toast of stop at your pharmacy and go the night! He went home and to the thermometer section told his wife, Mary, 'I won the and purchase a rectal therprize for the Best toast of the mometer made by Johnson & night' She said, 'Aye, did ye Johnson. now. And what was your Be very sure you get this toast?' John said, 'Here's to brand. When you get home, spending the rest of me life, lock your doors, draw the cur- sitting in church beside me tains and disconnect the phone wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice inso you will not be disturbed. deed, John!' Mary said.

Change into very comfortable The next day, Mary ran into 57

one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary. 'She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man

noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, yes!

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where shelived.

Sure, why?

Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!

to them?” Half the women stood up! No no no, that wasn’t what I meant, What I really really mean is “Has anybody seen MY Cock?” Sixteen altar boys, Two Priests and a goat stood up.

A little boy is playing with his new

football and a little girl asks if she can play. He Police today found the tells her, "No. These body of a dead man floating in are for boys." the Tyne wearing an English The little girl runs into the rugby shirt, suspenders and house and tells her mother. stockings, bright red lipstick The next day the girl sticks her and mascara, a blow-up doll on tongue out at the boy and the end of his todger and a waves her new football in his dildo stuck up his arse. face. The little boy angrily Police safely removed the points to his boy's bike and rugby shirt to spare his family says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys any further embarrassment. can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl Why you should make has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his sure you think before you pants, points to his unit, and speak. The priest in a small Irish village says, "Look, only boys have loved his chickens that he kept these and your mom can't buy in the coop behind the church. you one!"

The next day he walks by and One Sunday morning before mass he went to feed the birds the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and discovered that the cock and proclaims, "My mother was missing. He knew about tells me that as long as I have the cock fights in one of these, I can have as the village so he decided to many of those as I want." question his parishioners in church. During mass he asked his congregation “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood “I bought a book the other day, called The History Of up! No no that wasn’t what I Glue. It was brilliant! I couldmeant, “Has anybody seen a n’t put it down.” cock?” All the women stood up! No no that wasn’t what I A man walks up to his meant either, “Has anybody wife, pinches her bum and says: seen a cock that doesn’t belong 58

“You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.” Furious, she bites her lip and says nothing.

Next morning, the man wakes his wife with a pinch on the breast and says: “You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

No longer able to contain herself, she rolls over and grabs her husband’s cock.

Gripping it hard, she says: “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the milkman and your brother.”

More for the Golfers or should we say Gofers. (Top Ten) 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 here."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved the earth."

8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

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Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so.

That'd be too big a coincidence."

5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's distracting."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hr ago."

1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." the flower show. Waiting out-

Two little old ladies were side, her friend soon heard a sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said to the other, 'Life is so darned boring: we never have any fun anymore. For $5 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show'.

'You're on!' said the other old lady holding up a $5 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely nude (and streaked as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of

huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened ?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement !'

A British man was executed last night after a failed last minute bid by diplomats and ministers to have him set free. Tony Hart (18) of Birmingham was arrested last week after Saudi police responded to locals who complained about suggestive sand sculptures he had

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made on a beach.

"We receive many of the complaints from the local woman’s who say a white man was making big breast ladies on beach with sand. This is no good, not allowed in this country. We are simple people with no liking of this sand boobs", said Hasim Al-Jaboobi, policeman who made the arrest.

Hart had been joking with fellow college students who he was travelling with about what he could do with sand. One had dared him to make a 'fit sand chick' and he obliged. Execution took place yesterday via public beheading to a sell out arena. Tickets cost ÂŁ3, and snack and refreshments were available. It was available on pay-perview on Al-Jazeera TV.

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Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Ador: Monte Corona Restaurant. Alfaz: Spainsbury’s; Welcome Inn. Balcon al Mar: Jaspa’s Bar. Benidorm: Trade Wise. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland). Benitachell: Legend’s Bar. Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. Calpe: The Internet Bar; New Chester’s Bar; Henry’s Fish and Chips; Cross Keys; Pueblo Bar; Fabrix; Tasty Pastry; Pub Delfin. Denia: Bar Café Olé; Utopian Lounge; Dreams Bar (Las Marinas, km 12.5); Bar 55. Els Poblets: Arthur’s Bar; The Orange Grove Restaurant. Jalon: Quick Save; Lemon Tree Bar. Javea: Euro Bazar; Try Again Bar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; G-Spot; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Mono Loco; Zanzibar; Thingamyjig; Quo Vadis; Quick Save (Port & Arenal); Richmond Bar; Incodnito Fish and Chips; Bilbo’s Bar; Checker’s Pizza; Cheers Bar; English Bakers. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia. La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; The Lemon Tree Restaurant; S+W Tool Bar; Mojo’s Bar Bistro; Topper’s Fish and Chips. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; Bar Fustera; Colby’s Bar; La Cascada; Cornish Pride; Chez Flo. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnum’s Bar; Bar Express; La Brasa; Café Ole. Honeydukes, Oliva Playa: Bar Planja Orba: The New Forn Vell.

Pedreguar: New Creative Design; Quick Save. Punta Marina: The Captain’s Table Restaurant. San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Tabaira: Welcome Stranger. Teulada: Base Satellite.

Would you like to sell The Smuggler in your bar or business?

Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Email: editor@thesmuggler.es 62

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I herald a toss The Classroom No untidy clothes Racing tipster Cones evict hot lava Co-star Married It's a heated barren Chart ice circlet Moonstarers Riddle Answers

1.The horse operates a mill and travels in a circular clockwise direction. The two outside legs will travel a greater distance than the two inside legs.

2.It would be 9:00 pm. There are 12 hours between 1:00 pm and 1:00am and half of that is six hours. Half-way between would be 7 o'clock. Two hours later it

would be 9:00 o'clock.

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