July issue

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Issue 4 July 07

Police Warning for men.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

More on page 10……………..

Prisoners in £2.5m payout.

You could be forgiven for thinking, reading the above headline, that a lottery syndicate (of prisoners) has scooped the midweek jackpot, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Prisoners in 94 jails in England and Wales have been handed compensation payouts totalling £2.5m in the last year alone.

More on page 18…………….

Cyd the Cynic/Things That Make You Go Hurrah!

Whooh, whooh! OK, I give in. Call off the dogs! It seems my article last month, Things That Make You Go Grrr!, where I pointed out what I think are the 10 worst things about living in Spain, ruffled a few feathers. I didn't mean to offend anyone (particularly the man who claims to 'know people') and it was all written in a spirit of fun. So, to redress the books, and in the interests of balanced journalism, this month I will look at the top 10 things I like about living in Spain.

More on page 3……………….

Warning This publication is aimed at open-minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious

Letters to the Editor Dear Editor, I was made aware of your quality publication several weeks ago. Having spent a vast amount of time and money searching, I have yet to find any outlet that carries your magazine. Your distribution techniques leave a lot to be desired.

Joey Demetriou, NEW ZEALAND.

I understand these figures may not be of importance to some of your readers, but being as I am an avidly committed smoker, and also a God fearing Bible basher, I’d like to know exactly how many people I’m partially responsible for killing, before I go to Hell.

Carl Boro, LA PINELLA.

Dear Editor, Just to let your readers know, that in order get to Mas y Mas in La Jara, via the zebra crossing, just step into the road and then wait for the screech of tyres. Whilst crossing, explain to the Spanish drivers, in your finest English, exactly why the stripes had been painted on the road in the first place. It works every time.

John, LA JARA.

Dear Ed Here's a great idea for a gag your readers can try. It really is funny! Get your hands dripping wet. Then walk up behind one of your friends (or just anyone really!) and pretend to sneeze, while flicking the water on the back of their neck. Then walk off saying something like, "Wow, what an amazing sneeze that was! I can't believe how far that stuff went."

Adam Boix, ORBA.

cally. No one else but me thinks this is weird.

Name and address withheld on request.

Dear Ed This morning I accidentally 'snapped' myself with the elastic band of my pyjamas. It hurt. I hope this serves as a warning to your readers.

Chris Skate, DENIA

Editor says: We emailed Mr Skate, asking for more information. The reply we received follows: "I was wearing my red flannel pyjamas, as is my custom this time of year. Nature called.

For the benefit of the ladies, let me explain something about men's pyjamas. There are two possible means of extracting one's manhood from red flannel pyjamas, assuming we eliminate the foot holes as possibilities. The civiDear Editor, lised way is to use the fly hole Dear Ed Just to let your readers know, I swear this is true. I work in that is designed for that very that in order to get to Mas y purpose. But that can take the regional office of a large Mas in La Jara, via the zebra Spanish company (and I mean more coordination than I have crossing, if you should insist on large!). As part of a cost cutin the morning. The more stepping out into the road, ting plan all the light switches efficient way is to simply grab don’t be surprised if you get the waistband and stretch it were removed and motion struck by a vehicle. down. I chose that method. detectors were installed inJohn, stead. This way, no one needs But being a bit clumsy, my DENIA HOSPITAL. hand slipped, allowing the to remember to switch the elastic band to snap back in a lights off, they go off autoDear Editor, vigorous fashion, making brisk matically. I won't say the In an English Costa Blanca contact with the two most name of the company but it Newspaper (RTN), it was sensitive parts of my body, adds to the irony to say we stated that “650,000 people are involved in the electricity which are not my eyeballs. die in Europe every year from business. Anyway, we have a This is not to say that my eyesmoking, while 80,000 adult training session every month, balls were completely unindeaths are from passive smok- which usually involves a com- volved, because they were ing.” However, a few pages puter presentation. For us all actually bulging out and further in, a separate article to see it, the lights need to be touching the wall in front of informed us that “200,000 off. The standard procedure is me at this point. I jumped passive smokers die every for us all to sit completely still around for several minutes year in Spain.” doing the Nutcracker Waltz so the lights go off automati-

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while simultaneously singing the lost lyrics, which go something like this: "EEYOWWWM! OUCH OUCH OUCH AAAUUUAAAAHHH!!!!"

Dear Ed Has anyone else noticed how badly spelt menus are here when written in English? I even had one the other day that was pronounced incorrectly.

Edward Spink, ALTEA. Dear Ed I don't normally write letters to magazines, but I overheard a conversation yesterday that was so funny I just have to share it.

I was sitting outside a cafe in Oliva enjoying my morning coffee. Two English lads were sitting behind me and as the waitress passed by I heard one of them say to her, "Unah crossant please." The waitress looked confused. The young man repeated his request, again to no avail. Eventually the waitress went back into the restaurant and the young man followed her, saying to his friend, "I'll go and point at what I want." When he returned he looked downhearted and said, "I still couldn't get her to understand." He then continued with his original conversation, which concerned how he was going to sue the Guardia Civil for damaging his car when they towed it away for being illegally parked. After a few seconds of this his companion suddenly chipped in with, "Hang on, you're going to sue the Guardia Civil? You couldn't even order a f*cking croissant!" I tried so hard to stop

There were about 30 people sitting at tables with plates of food, pissed off faces and no cutlery. The Muppet had only gone round the restaurant Dear Ed Your article on 'Spolish' made asking diners for their knives me laugh because it reminded and forks! The truly daft thing was that as we were looking me of a good friend of mine, now sadly dead. He was born he was already on his way out with the newly cleaned tableand bred in Yorkshire but ware, ready to return them to moved to Spain as a young the customers. If there hadn't man. He quickly picked up had been so many witnesses I Spanish, but spoke it with a broad Yorkshire accent. Obvi- would have been sorely tempted to try one of these ously I can't recreate on panice clean knives out on him. per what it sounded like, but David Larby, PALMA DE it was funny. In our circle of GANDIA friends we called what he spoke 'Sporkshire'.

Dear Ed Alan Banks, ALFAZ DEL PI Who the hell does Cyd Cynic (if that's his real name?) think Dear Ed he is? How dare he, as a guest Ref: Learn Spolish. I've got a of this country, produce a list mate who's Welsh. Every time the topic of conversation of the top 10 things he dislikes about it? I can just imagine his turns to speaking Spanish he always pipes in with, "Because reaction if a Spaniard wrote a I speak Welsh I found learning list of the things they dislike Spanish really easy!" The daft about England. It's people like thing is he can't speak Spanish him who get us all a bad name. to save his life! We call what David, via email. he speaks 'Spelsh'. Even our No address supplied.

Spanish friends now say to him, "Lo siento, no hablo Editors note: we received spelsh" many emails in a similar vein Ken Banks, Moraira to this one. Read Cyd's reaction in this month's column.

Dear Ed Anyone else ever suffer the misfortune of having a YOP placement (Youth Opportunity Programme) at their place of business? Against my better judgement I took one on at my restaurant in Poole.

I put him on the washing up.

A few hours into the shift I noticed the knives and forks were running low so I told him to get some more. I thought no more of it until my floor manager asked me to look in the dining area. from laughing out loud that coffee ran out of my nose.

Kevin Kirk, near OLIVA

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Cyd the Cynic/ Things That Make You Go Hurrah!

Whooh, whooh! OK, I give in.

Call off the dogs! It seems my article last month, Things That Make You Go Grrr!, where I pointed out what I think are the 10 worst things about living in Spain, ruffled a few feathers. I didn't mean to offend anyone (particularly the man who claims to 'know people') and it was all written in a spirit of fun.

So, to redress the books, and in the interests of balanced journalism, this month I will look at the top 10 things I like about living in Spain.

No 10 - Visitors from Home. Now I'd better clarify this a bit, because anyone who's been out here more than a few months knows precious little is more likely to invoke sympathy in other expats than hearing the words, "We've got visitors from the UK coming over." (The only possible thing worse than that is to hear the words, "We've got the builders in!") You know the score. You take the day off work to pick them up from the airport. You feed them, water them, bed them down and practically wait on them hand and foot. You no longer have any privacy, you never have a moment's rest, and the best you can hope to get out of the deal is to have a beer bought for

you on their last night, if you're lucky! What I really mean when I say

place, or if the wrong sort of rubbish is in the wrong sort of bin.

having visitors over is one of the best

Collections every two weeks if

things about living is Spain is when they finally piss off back home to England. As I'm waving them goodbye I'm always reminded of the old

you're lucky. It sounds terrible.

Mind you, things started going wrong with the British system back in the late 70s, when you were no

joke about the man who wears shoes two sizes too small all day. His feet hurt like hell but when he takes them off at night the relief feels like heaven.

longer allowed to call them 'bin men', but 'refuse officers' (yes, 'officers'.

You had to salute them when you saw them). When we use to live in

No. 9 - The Prices. I know when

Cricklewood we were only allowed to deposit rubbish in green bin liners,

you've been here a while you get used to buying reasonable quality wine for peanuts, fags for a couple of euros and having a meal out for a tenner. It no longer seems cheap.

But I think it hits you when you go

because black ones might carry a racial slur. Using anything other than a green bin liner resulted in your trash being left there. And where was the only place you could buy green bin liners? You've guessed it.

back to the UK. We're due to go over in August for a wedding. Our first trip back for two years and to

Cricklewood council offices.

be honest I'm dreading it. From what I'm hearing from Brits coming here the prices back home are eye

always found the Spanish medical system to be every bit as good as

No. 7 - The Medical System. I have

the British NHS. I know that

watering. I think I'll have to make a couple of comments about how

sounds like a bit of a back handed

much weight the wife has put on recently to keep her eating and drinking down to a minimum.

NHS to be quite good. My doctor

compliment but I also found the here in Spain seems knowledgeable, up-to-date, concerned about my welfare and professional. The

No. 8 - Rubbish Collection. I'm very

only fly in the ointment is that we

happy with the system they have in

don't understand a frigging word

Spain. I carry the rubbish to the big green bin at the end of our drive, I

the other is saying. I went to see him last week about my high blood pressure and came away with a

deposit it, and it's emptied every night. Brilliant! I'm hearing all sorts of horror stories from the UK just lately. Bin men refusing to take bins

prescription for Preparation H (I

if they are a couple of feet out of

the arse my wife is).

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think he got confused when I was explaining to him what a pain in

No. 6 - The Siesta. Yes, Spain's contribution to western civilisation. Us Brits gave the world afternoon tea and fish and chips, the French gave bad breath and syphilis, and the Spanish invented the siesta. And what a great invention it is! You get up, you

and hot. Giggling with delight as they 'jiggle' around. Long, lithe legs bronzed by the sun. Firm buttocks,

A hammer should do nicely. But make sure you've checked that there are no children around first. Stand

flat stomachs, golden hair. I can't wait back and record his inevitable outburst with a Dictaphone. When he's to get back to the beach. My recalmed down (after about two straining order expires in August.

And that other 'incident' was never

years) play the recording back to him

have a couple of brandies, you go for a lie down. Brilliant!

proved anyway. My word against hers.

No. 5 - Watching the weather reports for the UK. This almost always cheers me up. And a way to make it feel even better is to wait until the weather in the UK is truly awful.

You know the sort of thing; rain,

and ask him to explain what each word means. They're always happy to help foreigners learn the lingo. You will come away with a much deeper and richer understanding of the Valenciano language and, by exten-

No. 2 - Cursing. My God can the Valenciano people swear! I've worked with soldiers, trawler men and actors. I've interviewed whores, sion, the Valenciano people. hit men and politicians. I've been No. I - This has got to be the threatened by gangsters, Polish solweather. Isn't it fantastic for drying your clothes in? Just the other day I had a lunch appointment where I

sleet, hail, gale force winds and fog.

Typical Bank Holiday weather. Then I text everyone I know who still lives there with the pretext of some

wanted to wear my favourite red shirt. Unfortunately when I went to get dressed I noticed the shirt was in the laundry basket. Quick as a flash I sprang into action. I hand-washed the shirt and hung it

innocent enquiry. Something like, "Hi m8! How ru? Haven't heard from u in a while so I thought I'd see how ur doing. BTW, what's the weather like there? It's v. hot here."

Guaranteed to piss 'em off, every time. This trick works particularly well on wet weekends, wet bank holidays and their birthdays.

No. 4 - The Culture. You know, the history and the museums and art galleries. And the theatres, too. Stuff like that. It's really good.

No. 3 - The Beaches. Especially at this time of year. Oh the joy of sitting or walking on the beach. The sound of the sea lapping on the shore. The laughs of young women playing volley ball in tight fitting bikinis. All sweaty

diers and spurned lovers. I've even been out drinking with a Scotsman!

I thought all of them could turn a colourful phrase or two, but they

out on the line. Within minutes it was dry enough to wear! Fantastic!

There, my list of the top 10 things don't even come close to the master of what I like about living in Spain.

Hope this makes up for last class of filth a born and bred Valenciano man with a grudge can conjure month. Next month's article will up. They describe concepts and ideas which even after living here years I'm still trying to get my head round (and no, I couldn't even begin to describe these concepts and ideas here, even with The Smuggler's low standards of decency!) Don't believe me? Simply drop a heavy weight on a local's foot.

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be entitled ' 10 more things I hate about living in Spain' (No! Only joking!) As always, if you have any comments or complaints please address them to cydcynic@thesmuggler.es I promise to respond to as many as I can.

6

Government Rushes In N-word Bill.

There was frenzied activity today in the House of Commons today as an emergency Bill was ratified in the wake of the Big Brother n-word fiasco.

From midnight on Saturday 16th June 2007, it will be illegal for anyone who is not black, to use the offensive term 'nigger', and those that do will be dealt with severely by the courts.

The action comes close on the heels of the expulsion from the Big Brother house of BNP member Emily Parr from Bristol, who called her fellow housemate Charley a "nigger". This, said Channel 4 bosses, was "intolerable" as Emily is white.

Black-skinned people, or 'negroes', often refer to each other as 'nigger' or 'nigga' as a term of kinship or familiarity, but this does not extend to non-blacks, for whom the term is strictly taboo. They are expressly forbidden to use the word 'nigger' when referring to black people, and must use the infinitely more polite term 'black'.

Under the new law, blacks, either negros or negresses, may, without fear of reproach, spice-up their use of the words 'nigger' and 'nigga' with a selection of colourful expletives, but a whiteassed honky merely hinting at any of the n-words will be seen as outrageously racist.

The government has also decreed that, even white niggers - those white people who wish they were black - will be unable to use the term, although black people will be free to call white people just whatever takes their fancy.

Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington, Diane Abbott, told Andrew Neil on BBC1's This Week programme: "This is what makes Britain great. Total submission in the face of pressure brought to bear against it by forces within�.

HIPS In Doubt Over London Assessments.

With just days to go before the start of the Government's phased implementation of Home Information Packs their future has again been thrown into doubt.

The crisis has arisen because there is still only one qualified energy assessor to cover the entire Greater London area.

Abdul Soddem, a former mini-cab driver from Streatham in south west London, qualified in energy assessment by passing the strict written test of writing out a cheque for ÂŁ500 to an internet-based training firm.

Soddem is well know to television audiences for his frequent appearances on the Granada series "House of Horrors" where he fails to notice minor faults in electrical and plumbing appliances and charges the homeowner a bundle for unnecessary repairs.

Soddem told TheSpoof.com "That was all when I was doin' refurbishments, but they wouldn't register me for the Corgi so I took up mini-cabbing until the Government come up with this new way for me to fleece the public."

Asked how he could possibly cover the whole of Greater London on his own he was equally dismissive, "New homes is gonna get the green light and old one's the red. It's that easy mate, innit? 5 minutes in and out job and name me own price. I really don't even have to go inside, 'cept when there's a cuppa on offer."

Asked how HIPs could possibly still go ahead, Local Government Monster, Ruth Kelly, said "Talk to my hand because my face ain't listening." (Yes, it's ugly too Ruth.)

7

BEEWARE Recent media reports about the dwindling numbers of bees worldwide, and the dire consequences to the human race if it should continue, have sent shockwaves through the world of beekeepers and other people.

Vince Beef, a local beekeeper, or ´friend to all bugs´ as he wishes to be known, illegally resident in Els Poblets, told me, “I was tending to my little boys when I felt this shockwave. I turned to my life-long partner and fellow beekeeper, Hans Free, and asked if he had felt it too. He wanted to know what I was accusing him of, and then went into a strop.

When I repeated the question a few minutes later, he went ballistic. “What are you accusing me of?” he asked. I know I’m fond of veggie and bean tortilla, but I never break wind when handling my babies. He then preceded to twat me with a honey tray.”

Recent reports about the dramatic decline in the planet’s bee population are causing great concern amongst environmentalists and people with nothing better to do.

Former genius, lothario and right-back for Sturm Graz, Albert Einstein, once stated something like, “If all the bees were to disappear from the face of the earth, mankind can only expect to survive for a further 4 years.”

When I put this claim to retired Professor of ´Bees and Stingology¨, H.R. Puffandstuff,

at his favoured local Costa golf colleagues have been doing for years. By using a highly toxic club, he was staggered and spray that can be purchased taken aback. from a high street supermar“Colleagues of mine through- ket or any quality hairdresser, the bees can be rendered out the world, and here in Spain, have grown quietly con- harmless. It’s just a matter of counting them, sending me cerned about the dwindling numbers of our buzzy friends. the figures, and I’ll make a pie I just wasn’t aware of the dire graph or something later.

That’s that sorted then”. consequences to the human race. It goes without saying “Is it your round or mine?” that a concerted effort must be made to ascertain the exROYTURDS NEWS act numbers of bees worldAGENCY. JUNE 2007. wide.”

After another couple of shots of Anis Tenis and a swift caña, and no end of pondering, the THE BLONDE Professor put forward a plan of outstanding proportions.

A blonde calls her boyfriend “We require every person in and says, 'Please come over the world to do an accurate here and help me. I have a headcount of every bee in killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't their locality. These numbers figure out how to get it must then be collated in order started.' Her boyfriend asks, to achieve a more accurate 'What is it supposed to be overview of any deviation of when it's finished?' numbers, thereby allowing us The blonde says, 'According to take the appropriate action to the picture on the box, it's in order to reverse this para tiger.' ticular trend. This has to be Her boyfriend decides to go nipped in the bud.” over and help with the puzzle.

After he spent an inordinate She lets him in and shows him amount of time in the toilets where she has the puzzle and returned the worse for spread all over the table. He wear, I pointed out to my studies the pieces for a molearned friend that the vast ment, then looks at the box, majority of sensible people then turns to her and says, preferred to steer clear of any 'First of all, no matter what creature that possessed a we do, we're not going to be sting. able to assemble these pieces He ranted, “Jesus, do I have to into anything resembling a think of everything? Don’t you tiger.' He takes her hand and understand how important it says, 'Second, I want you to is that we start getting these relax'. 'Let's have a nice cup of numbers in pronto, before it’s tea, and then' He too late? It’s quite simple sighed......... 'Let's put all the really; just do what I and my Frosties back in the box.'

Are you concerned about your child’s level of English?

Qualified English teacher available. Tel: 690 34 51 53 8

Liverpool Woman Chokes On Man's Left Testicle A Liverpudlian woman, rejected by a former boyfriend, grabbed him by the testicles at a house party, pulled the left one off, then tried to swallow it. She choked on it however, and had to spit it out. It was handed back to the victim who was told 'That's yours." Doctors tried, but were unable to reattach the testicle to the victim's body.

Judge Charles James, who sentenced the woman to jail for two and a half years said he'd often heard of someone 'giving their left nut' for something, but this was the first time he'd ever seen an actual case of it.

"I was in the most excruciating pain." complained the victim in a high-pitched voice at the trial. "It was the first time in my life anyone ever pulled one of my balls off. She just grabbed me by the jewels and pulled so hard! That caused my underpants to come off and my left ball came with them."

Left unexplained were why the victim's testicles were exposed and vulnerable in the first place.

The 24-year-old woman said, "It was never my intention to cause harm to (the victim), and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person. I have challenged myself to explain what happened but still just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life.

"While I'm not violent, I'm still not going to let some dude dump on me, and If the guy needs his nuts pulled off, why I'm just the girl to do it!"

The 37-year-old victim said, "That damned woman's anguish is nothing compared to my own. I just didn't realise she was cannibalistic when I dated her. If I had known, then maybe I would have brought her a chicken leg or something to the party."

The victim says this has been a life-changing experience for him, and has caused him to now decide to enter the priesthood.

Blind Man Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their new habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

9

graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull Beer is used by female sexual elephant standing with one predators at parties and bars to leg raised in the air. persuade their male victims to The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe apgo home and have sex with proached it very carefully. He them. A woman needs only got down on one knee and to get a guy to consume a few inspected the elephant's foot, units of Beer and then simply and found a large piece of ask him home for no-stringswood deeply embedded in it. attached sex. Men are rendered As carefully and as gently as helpless against this approach. he could, Mbembe worked the At other times these unfortunate wood out with his hunting men are swindled out of their knife, after which the elephant life's savings, in a familiar scam gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face known as a "relationship". the man, In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to and with a rather entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of ser- curious look on vitude and punishment its face, referred to as "marriage". Men stared at are much more susceptible to him for this scam after beer is adminis- several tered and sex is offered by the tense moments. predatory females.

PLEASE! Forward this warning Mbembe to every male you know. If you stood frofall victim to this beer - and the zen, thinkwomen administering it - there ing of nothing are male support groups where else but you can discuss the details of being your shocking encounter with trampled. similarly affected like-minded Eventually guys. the elephant For the support group nearest trumpeted loudly, turned and you, just look up "Golf walked away. Mbembe never Courses" in the phone book. forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty Elaphantitis. years later, Mbemb was walkThis is an amazing and heart ing through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they warming story approached the elephant enIn 1986, Mkele Mbembe was closure, one of the on holiday in Kenya after

Police Warning for men. (front page)

creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of

Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Email your letters to ‘editor@thesmuggler.es’ or Fax your letters to 962 855 878 10

"Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be A man boarded an aircraft at Lon- Archie and Jock are sitting in the true Paddy said "OK then could I don's Heathrow Airport bound for pub discussing Jock's forthcoming have a jumper for a chicken?". The Alicante and, taking his seat as he wedding. salesperson said "A jumper for a settled in, he noticed a very beauti- "Ach, it's all going magic," says chicken?, hold on I will have to Jock. "I've got everything organised ful woman boarding the plane. check the stock out the back". Five already: the flowers, the church, He realised she was heading minutes later, the salesperson straight toward his seat and bingo! the cars, the reception, the rings, returned with a brown paper bag.

She took the seat right beside him. the minister, even ma stag night..." "Here you go, one jumper for a Eager to strike up a conversation, Archie nods approvingly. chicken" "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be "How much?" asked Paddy. he blurted out, "Business trip or married in!", continues Jock. vacation?"

"Three quid." replied the salesper"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's She turned, smiled enchantingly son. grande, you'll look pure smart in and said, "Business. I'm going to "Three quid for a jumper for a the annual nymphomaniac conven- that! chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So And what's the tartan?" Archie tion in Oliva". away he went as happy as Larry.

He swallowed hard. Here was the then inquires.

When he got outside he thought "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll to himself that maybe he was most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and be in white..." done, so he looked inside the bag. she was going to a meeting for At the bottom of the bag was a nymphomaniacs! condom.

Struggling to maintain his compoHe was mad and stormed back sure, he calmly asked, "What's into the shop. He screamed at the your business role at this convensalesperson "Hey, I asked you for a tion?" jumper for a chicken and you have "Lecturer," she responded. "I use given me a condom – what’s going my experience to debunk some of on?" the popular myths about sexualThe salesperson replied, "Sorry ity." mate, I checked in the back and we "Really", he smiled, "what myths seem to be all out of jumpers for are those?" chickens, all we had was a pullover "Well," she explained, "one popufor a cock." lar myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

“Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Everything.

Greek descent. We have also Paddy was walking found that the best potential lovthrough a town one day ers in all categories are the Irish." when he saw a shop Suddenly the woman became unwith a notice in the wincomfortable and blushed. dow. The notice said "I'm sorry," she said. "I really "We sell everything". shouldn't be discussing this with Paddy could not believe you, I don't even know your this so he went inside. name!"

He walked to the "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto counter and asked the Papadopoulos, but my friends call salesperson, "Do you me Paddy." really sell everything?"

The salesperson said

The Quick Thinker. Two Glasgow boys.

11

feel he's really grown as a person.

Even if he may, in reality, have shrunk by several limbs."

In recent weeks Harry has been distracted from his suicidal career tendencies by other issues, such as the screening of a controversial documentary about his mother by Army officials have revealed that, in Channel Four. The programme, a last-ditch attempt to fulfil Prince directed by Tobe Hooper, previHarry's expectations of serving in a ously better known for the Texas war zone, they are considering Chainsaw Massacre films, was shooting at him and even "blowing transmitted against the wishes of him up a bit."

Princes William and Harry, who Details of where and when the found images of their mother's rough stuff will happen are unlikely dying moments extremely distressto be released to the media, but a ing to watch. car park in Maidstone and an unChannel Four executives defended derpass just near Brick Lake have the content of The People's Prinboth been mentioned as possible venues.

The 22-year-old Prince was due to deploy to southern Iraq this month; however officials eventually decided that Harry would prove "a target for insurgents". These same officials also made off-the-record comments about rumours of "a catholic faction high up in the Vatican" and the toilet habits of cercess: Look, you can see her head tain wood-dwelling creatures. falling off in this one!! as "an invaluHead of Running-About-WithGuns, Sir Robbo Nutter, said that able new way of clawing back rathe hoped shooting at Prince Harry ings without paying someone to say 'nigger'..... erm, I mean... a really with a big gun would give him a new perspective on active service. vital new slant on, you know, blah, "I think the Prince's attitude is very blah, blah." commendable" said Sir Robbo. "It's The Queen had no comment to every British lad's dream to travel make, as she was busy filming a the world and be shot at by differ- prequel to Prime Suspect. ent cultures, and no-one should view young Harry's enthusiasm to Paddy the Irishman put himself in the firing line as died in a fire and was burnt pretty merely the whim of a spoilt rich badly. So the morgue needed kid. I'm sure once he's spent a few someone to identify the body. His hours scrabbling around in shit and two best friends, filth, being pelted with bullets, he'll

Efforts to stop Prince Harry leaving the army "will include shooting at him"

12

Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain’t Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here’s that Paddy with them two arseholes...."

One for the road.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

13

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

To the other side of the car?'

For American friends, we drive on the Left, (France on the Right)

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar. But the 'B' fell off'.

Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly States that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'

Computer Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Doesn't the product give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel 14

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told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?' left hand side of the screen, Operator: 'It's the thing with the can you see the 'OK' button disscreen on it that looks like a played?'

TV. Does it have a little light that Customer: 'Wow. How can you tells you when it's on??' see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

There's always one. This has got to Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find be one of the funniest things in a where the power cord goes into it.

Long time. I think this guy should Can you see that??' have been promoted, not fired.

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

This is a True story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's transcribed from a recording plugged into the wall.' monitoring the customer care Caller: 'Yes, it is.' department. Needless to say the Operator: 'When you were behind Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the monitor, did you notice that the Word Perfect organisation for there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former Word- Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need Perfect Customer Support emyou to look back there again ployee. (Now I know why they and find the other cable.' record these conversations!): Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer Operator: 'Follow it for me, and assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trou- tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' ble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you Caller: 'Well, I was just typing see if it is??' along, and all of a sudden the Caller: 'No.' words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I

True stupidity.

15

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure..'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack It up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.'

Agony Uncle Gerrard Dear Gerrard I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs ... Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why! maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the inGerrard’s reply dustry, working as the manMy advice to you is take the bike to ager. I am hoping my two sisthe dealers. It’s quite obvious you ters would be interested in can’t keep the wife serviced, what joining our team. Although I makes you think you’ll be any good would prefer them not to with the bike!!!! prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the Dear Gerrard, streets and hopefully the herYour Smuggler magazine is oin. fantastic and we Kiwi’s love it. My problem is this: I love my I hope you can help me with fiancé and look forward to my dilemma. bringing her into the family I am a sailor in the New Zea- and of course I want to be land Navy. My parents live in totally honest with her. the suburb of Seatoun and one Should I tell her about my of my sisters, who lives in brother-in-law being a Palmerston North, is married Newcastle United fan? to a guy from Newcastle, England. My father and mother Gerrard’s reply have recently been arrested for growing and selling mariThank you for your very eloquent juana and are currently deletter. Its good to see that our magapendent on my two sisters, zine is reaching the rectum area of who are prostitutes in Auckthe world. Don’t worry about menland.I have two brothers, one tioning the fact that he is a Newcastle who is currently serving a non- United supporter. From what I hear parole life sentence in Mount most of the sheep in New Zealand Eaden Prison, Auckland, for are Black & Whiter’s. Ba Ba rape & murder in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently

16

Man Bites Dog A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

The policman answers, "Oh then it will say in newspapers , in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl " "But I am not an American!" - says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" , asks the cop The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

Magic Apples.

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked. "magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to

eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

‘Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack" "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"‘

except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Scots Baby

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold African Tale this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was A professor is sent to darkest brought into the world.

Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the teaching them reading, writing, lantern down...I think there's yet maths and science. another wee one to come yet."

One day the wife of the tribe's Sure enough, within minutes he chief gives birth to a white child.

The tribe is shocked, and the chief had delivered a bonnie wee lass. pulls the professor aside and says, "No, no, don't be in a great hurry "Look here! You're the only white to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another man we've ever seen and this one besides!" cried the doctor. woman gives birth to a white Then Ian scratched his head in child. It doesn't take a genius to bewilderment, and asked the docfigure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. tor: "Do ye think it's the light You're mistaken. What you have that's attractin' them?" here is a natural occurrence, what “Before you came along we we in the civilized world call an were hungry. Now we are fed albino! Look at that field over up.” there. All of the sheep are white

17

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

Husband Store.

The sixth floor sign reads: A store that sells husbands has just Floor 6 - You are visitor opened where a woman may go to 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shop“You’re so narrow minded per ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you when you walk your earrings knock together.” open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, “You’re lucky to be born but if you go up a floor, you canbeautiful, unlike me, who was not go back down except to exit born to be a big liar.“ the building.

"Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool samA man decides to have a face-lift ple". for his birthday. He spends $5,000 The old man looks at his young and feels really good about the wife and says, " What did he say"? results. On his way home, he stops His wife replies, "He needs a pair at a newsstand and buys a paper. of your underpants."

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I Tame Alligator A bloke walks into a bar with an am?" alligator.

"About 35," was the reply.

He walks up to the bar and says "I "I'm actually 47," the man says, would like a beer thanks." feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds The Bar man says "Sorry mate you can't have that alligator in here." for lunch and asks the clerk the The man says "No it's tame I can same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about prove it to you."

So the man throws an ashtray at 29". it's head, and the alligator just "I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, shrugs it off.

The bar man says "No I'm still not he asks an old woman the same convinced." question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and So the guy puts his dick in the alligator’s mouth and throws an my eyesight is going. But when I ashtray at his head and the alligator was young, there was a sure way still does nothing. of telling a man's age. If I put my The bar man looks real impressed hand down your pants and play so the man says "Would anyone with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact else like a go?"

An old lady in the back corner says age."

"Yeah I would, but could you As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell, and lets please not throw an ashtray at my head." her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady “I want to die peacefully, in says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." my sleep, like my grandfather.

Stunned, the man says, "That was Not screaming and yelling like brilliant. How did you do that?" the passengers in his car” The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Guess My Age.

‘One day two old ladies met up for a spot of lunch, one of the ladies said to the other "Did you come on the bus" The other lady replied "Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack.”

Doctors Check up There was an old man who was married to a very young woman.

The old man was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said,

18

Prisoners in £2.5m payout.

You could be forgiven for thinking, reading the above headline, that a lottery syndicate (of prisoners) has scooped the midweek jackpot, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Prisoners in 94 jails in England and Wales have been handed compensation payouts totaling £2.5m in the last year alone.

Alfie Shiphouse, a prisoner in Wormwood Scrubs since 1968 is now sitting on a personal fortune of £823,001, all amassed in compensation payouts (and the interest thereon) received every year without fail.

"I did a couple of murders a few years back but in those days you didn't know about the dangers of prisons like you do now," said the criminal, now 57 years old.

"But back then, in the sixties, the majority of the people didn't know if you murdered someone - or a few people like - you'd end up being locked up for like 14 hours a day, lights out at 10pm, TV til 9pm, you know, that kind of stuff.

"We'd heard the word prison, but we didn't know it totally violated your human rights!"

Shiphouse was convicted of the murder of 7 men, all of whom had been stabbed over 150 times (by Shiphouse).

"If I'd known prison was like this, there's no way I'd have admitted to it, and I don't think there was enough evidence to put me away without my guilty plea."

Police stormed a warehouse owned by Shiphouse as he was in the process of killing the seventh man, and the other six were all found in a pond on Shiphouse's property.

"But saying that, when I finally get out of here I'll have near enough a, million quid, so I should have a fairly decent retirement!"

When asked why he'd made (and subsequently won) a claim for over £85,000 - the highest single amount received by any prisoner in the previous 12 months Dave "Seven Bells" O’schitt told us "Oh, s**tloads of s**t. They put me on a top bunk, and I'm scared of heights. I once had a s**t down a toilet that hadn't been flushed. I, what else was it... oh yeah, I broke my hand when I put a guy who tried goin' up me s**tter into a coma, and got £42,000 for that."

Home Secretary Joan Reed was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said "Obviously we don't like to spend taxpayers' money in this way, but just because these people have committed, in the main, heinous crimes, it doesn't mean they should be locked up like caged hens."

Alistair Schaft from KPMG told us, off the record "many of these people will have larger retirement funds than the ordinary guy who works 40 hours a week for 45 years - they get their own cell, plenty of free time, and can pretty much get a hand job whenever they want one, so who are the fools?"

Satanic Visit.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Devil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

19

“Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege. “ “Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?”

Royal Albert Hall to Become Mosque

E-mail confusion

From the United Slates comes the following story which reinforces the need to get E-mail addresses It was announced today that a consortium of uncorrect: After being nearly snowbound for two named Saudi investors associated with the Bin Laden weeks, during the winter, a Seattle man departed for Group have purchased the Royal Albert Hall and Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the plan to convert it into a mosque. next day. at the conclusion of her business trip to A spokesman for the consortium fielded questions Minneapolis. regarding the purchase and future plans for the faThey were looking forward to some warm, pleasant bled Victorian Era landmark. One reporter asked if weather and enjoying a break from the children. cultural events would still be held in the hall. 'Only if Unfortunately, there was a mix-up at the Departure they meet the requirements of sharia.' said the Gate and the man was informed he would have to spokesman. 'All female performers must cover them- travel on a later flight. He tried to have the decision selves or if they insist upon wearing those enticing, reversed but was told he had no alternative but to lacey things that show bits which make men lose travel on the later flight. their self-control they must do so behind a screen.

On arrival, he found Miami Beach was having a heat No vulgar language is to be allowed unless it is diwave and the rected at infiweather was del dog Cruas uncomsader heathens fortably hot, who are beas Seattle's neath conwas cold. tempt. Music The recepand visual tionist gave exhibits of a him a message secular or that his wife religious nawould arrive ture are absolater in the lutely forbidday. He could den.' hardly wait to When another get to the reporter compool. So he mented that hurriedly sent the prohibihis wife an Etions on music mail message, and visual art but because ruled them out completely the spokesman said of his haste made an error in the address. As a re'Exactly.' sult, his message arrived at the home of an elderly On the subject of the Hall being used for religious widow, whose preacher husband had been buried services, a reporter asked 'if one of those crescent the day before. The grieving widow opened her Emoon thing a ma bobs will be installed on top' to mail. took one look at the monitor, let out an anwhich the spokesman responded 'yes, but in an effort guished scream and promptly had a heart attack. to make it more acceptable to the British public it When her family found her, the following message will be a flashing, neon thingy that reflects the mate- was still on the screen: rialistic, idolatrous blasphemy of an apostate, cretinous herd.'

Dearest Wife, When a confused reporter asked if he was talking Departed yesterday, as you know. Just now checked about Muslims or non-Muslims, the spokesman took in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. the reporter hostage.

Received confirmation of your arrival.

Your loving husband.

P.S: Things are not as we thought. You will be surprised how hot it is down here.

20

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22

Vodoo Dick There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to £700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgoten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her licence, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my arse!"

“One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven. God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before God told his joke. God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet" The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"“

23

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Lisa Burneti, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in forever an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head...

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

Julie Andrews turns 69.

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favourite things.

When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things, And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinning', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim,

Comedy Street Theatre. Earn money. Have a laugh. Tel:649110424 24

I´M A DUKE; GET ME OUTTA HERE…

nose out of shape with these rumours, and I like my nose the way it is. I’m the main man here when it comes to musical activities. They don’t call me Higham Mighty for nothing.”

The music world has been shocked by the news that the once thought dead musician, Duke Ellington, is not a happy chappy. The West Brom striker has made it abundantly clear of his wish to leave the depressing Black Country area and return back to the bright lights of Wigan. The Duke, nicknamed so because of his uncanny unresemblence to John Wayne, who was also nicknamed The Duke because of his remarkable inability to play a musical instrument, was once a firm favourite at the JJB Stadium.

Dickie Dumdum, President of the British Duke Ellington Appreciation Society, based in a village somewhere, couldn’t hide his shock when I informed by phone. “I and the members of our seven strong group, weren’t aware that the once dead musician had turned to football in order to see out his last days. However, if you’re going to do it anywhere, why not in deepest darkest West Bromwich. If he’s as good at footie as he was with the piano, he’ll be a success. He must be getting on a bit though. He’s gotta be at least 108 by now.”

When I reminded him that many Wigan fans would like to see the return of The Duke, he was adamant.

I was unable to arrange an interview with owner of Wigan F.C. and JJB Sports, Dave Whelan, but a spokesman for him stated; “I’m sure Mr Whelan would be keen in having top a bandleader in the Wigan line-up. He feels there aren’t enough talented musicians in professional football these days. Not since the heady days of Hoddle and Waddle, two players that could sparkle on the field during the day, then give it their all on stage of an evening. Two truly gifted individuals. Duke Ellington would be a welcomed addition to our squad. If he had a stinker of a game, he could always lift the spirits of the fans with an impromptu rendition of ´It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got the swing´. By the way, do you like my trainers? I get them cost price.”

“If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights work?”

“It’s not going to happen, and anyway, I’m not Adam Ant. Firstly, The Duke we want to return here is Nathan Ellington, not the jazz composer from the early 1900´s, you pillock. Secondly, Duke Ellington has been dead since 1974. Why don’t you look it up on tinternet first you plonker? Now stop wasting my time. Can’t you see I’m trying to rehearse with my keyboard player for the coming season? I know, what about a bit of Humperdink. A one, two, three, four; ♫ Please release me, let me go ♫ ……

JUNE 2007 ROYTURDS NEWS AGENCY

“This morning on the way to the Seniors Centre I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out.

In order to gauge the depth of feeling toward this And he was a dwarf! giant of jazz, I paid a visit to the booming tourist meHe said "I'm not happy" tropolis of Wigan, home of a pier, and the ever popuI said "Well, which one are you then?"“ lar Northern Soul scene.

“Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have any film.”

“The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

Match-day entertainer at the JJB, and all-round nice guy, Mike Higham, was not so keen on the idea however.

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get

“This is outrageous. We don’t need another musical entertainer here. I feel someone is trying to put my

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

sucked into jet engines.”

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was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. this man has a serious condition where his testicles While suffering the agonies of impending death, he rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remain- his testicles could easily rupture". ing strength, and lifted himself from the bed. “Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok," commented the Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out woman. of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripIn the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed ping the railing with both hands, he crawled downand it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral stairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon he's with Bupa". waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty Cowboy Boots.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly He walks into the house the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. and says His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?' Marcheese scone before it was in his mouth, garet looks him over, 'Nope.' seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, unwithered hand trembled on its way to the nearest dresses and walks back into the room completely scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...F**k off" naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?' She said, "They're for the funeral" Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, Treatment. and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ' Nope,' she a room where a male patient was masturbating furireplies. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S ously. "Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who To which Margaret replies...

Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.'

Cheese Scones.

649 110 424 - 962 855 878 26

spected, widely distributed and well known titles in southern Spain."

The Euro Week/y News, Page 8, 21st - 27th June 2007.

The Ragged Clown The Name That Dare Not Say The Word Channel 4 executives must have been gurgling with pleasure after one of the contestants on Big Brother, Emily Parr (a woman of such weapon grade stupidity that one imagines the onset of senile dementia would increase her mental faculties) gave them the headlines they desired when she said to a fellow (black) contestant, "Are you pushing it out, you nigger?"

Do you think someone ought to tell them that selfpraise is no praise?

Don't normally tell jokes in this column, but what the hell? Rules are made to be broken. This was told to me by an acquaintance, who claims it's a true story. I doubt that but it made me laugh anyway: A long distance lorry driver from England parks up one night in Pedreguer. He stops off for a meal and a drink in a What with this incident and the recently published well-known English bar/restaurant there. After his Jabari Asim book, The N Word, Who Can Say It, Who Shouldn't And Why (and no, I haven't read it) the usage meal he sits there with his pint, looking very glum.

Another customer approaches him and they start of the word has become a hot topic. It's even been chatting. After a while the customer says, "Look, you the subject of a 'symbolic' banning in New York. So seem a bit down. Why don't you go to the brothel hot has the topic become that the Costa's own Boadicea (who writes a column in The Euro Weekly News) has waded into the debate. In the 21st June edition she states, after what must have been much graven deliberation, "...only a black person can use the n-word without causing offence."

A friend of mine, who describes himself as 'non-white' (he is mixed race, his mother being white and his father black) brought the Boadicea comment to my attention. "What about me?" he asked. "I'm half black. Am I allowed to say it without causing offence? Perhaps she only wants me to say half the word? But which half? Nig? Ger? And what about my children? Their mother is white, so where do they stand?

Perhaps they have to ring Boadicea up and ask her permission? Allow her to do some background checks."

Hmmm, he's got a point. You might need to rethink this one, dear.

While flicking through the rest of the newspaper in which the above comment appeared I spotted this interesting quote in a story about a business networking group, which I would like to share with you; "Among the titles of the EWN media group is The Euro Weekly News, one of the most re-

down the road? Cheer yourself up!"

"Oh," says the lorry driver, momentarily brightening up. "Do they have any women there with faces that look like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle? With arses as fat as a hippos? And with all the warmth and charm of an unflushed toilet?" "Er... no." says the other chap.

"They're all very nice actually. And if you have the money they let you have sex with them all night long!" "It's not sex I want, dammit! I'm homesick!"

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A note from Royturds!

Royturds News Agency, through its legal advisors, would hereby like to distance itself from an unfortunately named Roy Turd. The Gentleman in question reported from Whitehall last month on the ´Whistleblowers Clampdown´, reported in the June edition of the reputable Smuggler (The). We would like to make it clear that Roy Turd is in no way connected to the Royturds News Agency.

We would also like to emphasise that the Royturds News Agency is a reputable organisation, occasionally dedicated to finding the latest breaking international news stories from around the world. To this end, we have endeavoured in sending our most highly trained journalists to the four corners of the globe. It has to be said though, that few, if any of said reporters, have succeeded in finding any of the said corners as of yet, but we are confident that they will in time, and will no doubt have lots of things to report about. It is, admittedly, a tad worrying. Well, it has been nearly two years now, Despite this setback, Royturds News Agency is committed to the quality of the news that we relay to any media outlet that may be interested. Hours are spent surfing the internet, and scouring the papers, to find slightly interesting newsworthy material. At this point, we separate the wheat from the chaff, allowing the broadsheets (whatever they are) and all other news agencies to deal with the wheat while we try and concoct something from the leftover chaff. It is clear to us that the aforementioned ´Whistleblower´ article was produced from the finest wheat, quite often using long words that we can’t even find in our pocket-size thesaurus.

To this end, we shall continue to manufacture material to the best of our limited ability, and stay as loyal as is possible to our sort of mission statement; “It may be naff, but it’s 100% chaff.”

28

Sports Page.

A TV reporter goes up North and interviews Sam Allardyce and Roy Keane. First of all he speaks to Sam Allardyce, "So Sam, what are your hopes for Newcastle this season?"

Sam replies, "Well, if we can pick up a few points here and there, hopefully we can stay in this division."

Then the reporter turns to Roy, "So Roy what are your hopes for Sunderland this season and in the future?"

Roy replies, "Well, we'll walk the Premiership, win the championship and FA Cup along the way, then we'll win the Champions League..."

At this point the TV reporter interrupts, "Err‌ Roy, don't you think you're being a bit over ambitious there?"

"Well, Sam started it!" replied Roy.

Wenger Tries To Prove Players Aren’t Stupid Arsene Wenger walks into the Arsenal changing room for their next game, looks at his players and says, "I'm not supposed to play some of you since our chairman said you were stupid against Man U. "So what I have to do is ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play."

They all agree and ask Wenger to start with their star players first. First up: Henry. Wenger looks into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" Henry thinks for a moment and then he answers, "Four?"

"Four!" Wenger shouts loudly, excited that his top player got it right.

In response the other Arsenal players plead, "Come on boss, give him another chance!"

Tel 966456515

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“England Expects... everyone to pay their taxes in whatever form they take�.

Patent Patience I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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