******A Free Magazine****** Issue 8 November 07
Costa Blanca North Issue Cyd the Cynic/Anybody There? Knock Once For Yes, Twice For No. After assessing the feedback from last month’s column (where I examined some of the dubious practices of ‘Alternative Medicine’) and finding it to be generally supportive (57% of the faxes, emails and texts we received were positive – if this were a general election I’d be prime minister by now!). More on Page …..3
The Ragged Clown/The House That Twat Built! After working in one jail for a few weeks he was asked to service ‘Old Smokey’, the electric chair. After he’d been on this job for a few days his boss came looking for him, wanting to know what was taking so long. More on Page…..24 The Smuggler’s Guide To Chinese Wisdom. The Shang dynasty, which developed within the valleys of the Huang He and Yangtze rivers, became the first major civilization in Asia to produce written records. It arose in the 18th century BC and ruled China for more than 500 years. More on Page…..21 Thought for the month: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers. The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.
Letters to The Editor Dear Smuggler I am writing this to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Metaxa, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how bloody good I feel right now. Chaz. Calpe.
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. I suppose in liquid form it would be known as a stiff drink. Yor, Gandia ..
Dear Ed, I was delivering a Birthday card to my really hot neighbour (who is married). He doesn’t have a letter box (strange innit) so I knocked the door and he answered wearing nothing but a towel round his waist. He invited me in and we sat and chatted and he said his wife was away for the weekend. I was about to leave when he dropped his towel. I saw his "thing" and I was incredibly turned on. I bent down to pick up his towel and at the exact same time he moved forward. My face met with his "middle Dear Ed section" and when I stood up I In Pharmacology, all drugs have kissed him. We carried on two names, a trade name and from there and it was amazing. generic name. For example, the Do your readers, like me, think trade name of Tylenol also has the price of English greeting a generic name of Acetamino- cards in Spain are really expenphen. Aleve is also called sive? Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Tracy, Denia. Amoxicillin and Advil is also Dear Ed, called Ibuprofen. The NHS has been looking for Why MUST I put the toilet seat a generic name for Viagra. Af- down? She won't put it back up for ter careful consideration by a team of government experts, it me! It seems every woman I
have ever dated, lived with, or even met have this "thing" about putting the toilet seat down. It transcends races, religions, National Origins and cultures. It is one peeve that holds all women of the world together. One time I asked my live-in lover why it bothered her so much. "When I was 9 years old my Uncle Jack left the seat up once and I fell in," she said. So, I added it up. She pisses about 6 times a day. She's 47 years old. That means that she has pissed 102,930 times‌and she fell in ONCE! It seems to me that the piss-to-fall-in ratio is pretty low! If she had fallen in, say, 2 or 3 thousand times then I would say she had a legitimate beef. But she fell in ONCE!!! Does every woman fall in once? Is THAT it? The bad thing is that you can't use logic in this situation. They won't hear of it. Leaving the seat up has destroyed marriages, could change the course of nations and could ultimately wind up forcing women to stop procreating and destroy the human race! Now I try my best to put the seat down because I know I will hear about it if I don't. And now she's trying to stop me from pissing on the floor! There's just no pleasing women! Pissed Off, Gandia
Email your letters to editor@thesmuggler.es or Fax your letters to 962 855 878 2
the rest of the magazine. Never There? Knock Once For Yes, again be troubled with worrisome thoughts that you are being duped. Twice For No Continue with your blissful exisAfter assessing the feedback from tence, safe in the knowledge that last month’s column (where I ex- nothing and no one can harm you. amined some of the dubious prac- However, those of you who live in tices of ‘Alternative Medicine’) and the real world, please read on. For the cost of no more than a finding it to be generally supportive (57% of the faxes, emails and few minutes of your time, I now texts we received were positive – present ‘Cyd the Cynics Guide To Being A Psychic’ (and no you can’t if this were a general election I’d be prime minister by now!) I have look at my crystal balls!) become emboldened enough to Cold Reading: This term debring to your attention another scribes the main techniques used group of ‘professionals’ I have for carrying out a reading on a some reservations about. I’ll sitter (victim) who is unknown to group them under the general the psychic. It starts with the heading of ‘Psychics’. Now imagine a job where you get paid good money, for indoor work with no heavy lifting. You are your own boss, the person paying you has no rights whatsoever and you need no professional qualifications. You can say anything to your client, and they can either like it or lump it, and if the whole job is a complete failure, you get to blame the client. Tax? What’s that? There are no guarantees, no consumer watchdog, and psychic picking up signs that are definitely no money back! Are you imagining all that? Now, if you being unwittingly given out by the sitter (mug). Signs such as Clothing will, add to the mix a dash of mumbo-jumbo, a shot of trickery – How expensive? How fashionable? Old? New? Second hand? and a large portion of bullshit. You have just imagined the job of Clean? Worn? Hairstyle – Fashionable? Expensive? Body Language – the average psychic. Nervous? Confident? Open? Dis“But,” I hear you cry, “I had a reading and he was just too accu- trustful? Level of Education – High? rate to be making it up. He knew Low? Non-existent? Sexual Orienthings, names, details that no one tation/Gender/Race/Ethnicity/ Manner of Speech/Place of Origin/Religion/ else knows. He just had to be Race/General Health, the list goes genuine!” on. To the uninformed, this inforWell, dear reader, if you wish to mation is usually just taken at face stick to your beliefs, so be it. value. But to the knowledgeable Turn the page and continue with
Cyd the Cynic/Anybody
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cold reader, this information is a gold mine. By taking into account all the above signs (and a few more) high probability guesses can be employed. Any guesses that ‘hit’ can be emphasised (a reader uses facial expressions and body language to gauge whether he has a hit or not). Any guesses that ‘miss’ can be quickly glossed over. More information can be gleaned from the sitter (buffoon) before the reading by the psychic just having a ‘bit of a chat’. He may often say something like, “I’m always a bit hesitant in talking to people before a reading in case they think I’m trying to get information out of them.” The sitter (weak-minded simpleton), who was probably brought up to believe it is rude to ignore someone talking to you, will often reply with something like, “Oh don’t be silly! I’d know if you were trying to get information out of me!” (Wrong!) As the reading starts the psychic usually begins with something like, “Often what I see is a bit unclear to start with. If you help me, together we should be able to discover some important things about you.” Wow, who isn’t going to help to discover some important things about themselves? Also, very slyly, the psychic has cleverly switched much of the responsibility of whether or not it will be a successful reading to the sitter (numbskull). All this helps to create a believable process, with the sitter trying their best to make connections with vague details, sketchy comments and intelligent guesses. The psychic then keeps looking at body language and facial expressions to keep things moving in the ‘right’ direction, often countering this with instructions not to give too much information away to him verbally. He knows most communication is non-verbal anyway! The psychic
does most of the talking; the sitter (twerp) does most of the interpreting. As the reading continues other techniques are employed. It is at this point that I must make mention of the excellent book The Full Facts Book Of Cold Reading by the illusionist Ian Rowland. He lists over twenty different techniques used by psychics. Unfortunately I only have space for a couple, but they should give an idea of how these readings work.
the statement thus, “You have photos stored in cardboard.” What are most albums made of? I sense that you are sometimes insecure, especially with people you don’t know very well. - Wow, you mean I’m more comfortable with my friends than with strangers? Incredible! How do you do it? You had an accident as a child. Something to do with water. - So vague as to be almost nonsense. You fell in some water, you had hot water spilt on you, you The Forer Effect (sometimes banged your knee while on a boat, referred to as ‘Barnum Stateyou slipped over on the wet floor ments’, after the American showat the local swimming pool, you man P.T.Barnum, who made much choked on a pretzel while watching use of them). These are very sub- the Oxford and Cambridge Boat tle statements, which appear to be Race. Search long enough and very specific, but in actual fact can most people can find something. often be interpreted in many differ- Your father passed on due to probent (sometimes contradictory) lems in his chest or abdomen. ways, and give the reader a huge - Or in the case of the one reading amount of leeway for changing I had (all in the name of research, emphasis. They are also aided by of course) he made a vague circle the sitter’s previously mentioned with his hand, indicating everything keenness to try their best to make from the throat to the belly butconnections, which often results in ton. This area of the body is them going through their whole where most terminal illnesses ocfamily history in a desperate search cur. Most cancers, heart probfor anything that might just, with a lems, pneumonia, diabetes, liver bit of pushing, fit the statement. disease etc. Of course he would Typical of these statements would have already found out if your be the following: father were alive or dead by guessYou’re having problems with a friend ing your age. If you were over the or relative. age where it was likely your father - Who isn’t? What sort of probwas dead he would have made a lem? Could be anything. They remark about a ‘father figure’, just could be ill, they could be out of to test the water. work, they could have copped a hump because you forgot about A reader with a strong personality their birthday. Even if the sitter could also practically ‘bully’ a sitter can’t think of a specific example (pillock) into admitting something the reader always has his old stand to be relevant even if they are not by, “Well you need to find out sure. By repeatedly insisting, over which of your friends or relatives is and over, that a certain statement having a problem!” Now it’s not a has relevance, blaming the sitter reading, it’s a prediction. for not thinking hard enough, or You have a box of old photos at accusing them of ‘repressing’ the home. memory (always a good one). - Who doesn’t? Even if the sitter Even if the sitter (wazzack) sticks doesn’t, the reader can rephrase to their guns and denies the truth
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of any statement the reader can always say he meant it as a prediction. The Rainbow Ruse. This ruse involves using statements which give the sitter (the bamboozled pinhead) certain personality traits, but also cleverly inserting the exact opposite. Personality traits are impossible to quantify accurately, and most people have experienced swings in emotions and differing levels of inner turmoil. Hence, these statements can appear uncannily precise, while in fact they could be referring to just about any one with a functioning nervous system. Examples include: “Most of the time you are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in the past where you were very upset.” - You mean I have been unhappy occasionally? Yes, I think you may be right. There was that time when I spent six months in prison for beating up that bloke for continuously stating the bleeding obvious. I was a bit miffed then I must admit. “You are a very kind and considerate person, but when somebody does something to break your trust, you feel a deep-seated anger.” - Well who doesn’t admit to being kind and considerate? And who has never felt anger? “I would say that you are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes you, you can easily become the centre of attention.” - ‘The centre of attention’. Like when I stand up and shout, “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING IN VAGUE TERMS THAT COULD REFER TO ANYONE?” A skilful cold reader can combine any number of opposite traits in such a way that they seem perfectly matched to the sitter (dolt). The dominant trait has already been decided using the signs men-
tioned at the start of the article, and the lesser trait is cleverly attached. Bingo! Another satisfied customer. Of course, those of you familiar with horoscopes might be seeing some similarities here, as they also make use of this technique.
press living relatives, using stooges. With these sorts of tricks the name ‘psychic’ could become synonymous with ‘crook’.
Hot Reading is a technique that involves using foreknowledge of an individual. Obviously the fact that it is foreknowledge is covered up. You don’t say, “I overheard a conversation where you said your father died in a car crash.” You say, in a sombre voice, “I’m sensing your father died tragically.” The information can be gathered in hundreds of ways. Some professional psychics have been accused of using some truly awful means to gain information – going through bins, scouring obituaries to gain knowledge that may im-
After a psychic has completed hundreds of readings the skills described above, and others, become second nature. The poor uninformed sitter often has no hope of seeing through the tricks. I suppose the old adage about it being more profitable to be a soothsayer than a truth sayer got to be old by being true. To the true believer I say this. Please don’t just take my word for it. Before you hand over any more of your hard earned cash re-listen to some of your past readings (it is common for psychics to record their readings), bearing in mind some of the points raised in this article. If, after that, you still truly believe, I wish you well (and I apologise about all the childish name calling). As always, any comments please don’t hesitate to get in touch – cydcynic@thesmuggler.es
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They Get You All.
Can U Hear Me A dad walks into a market with Mother. his young son. The kid is holding a 50 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realises the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?' 'No,' the woman replies, 'I work for the Inland Revenue'
farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for A blonde went into a world me too, I'm also celebrating", wide message center to says the woman. send a message to her mother " What a coincidence" says the overseas. man and as they clinked glasses When the man told her it the farmer asked, "What are would cost $300, she you celebrating?" exclaimed: "I don't have any "My husband and I have been money, But I'd do ANYTHING trying to have a child, and toto get a message to my day my gynaecologist told me mother." that I'm pregnant!" she told The man arched an eyebrow him. "What a coincidence," says (as we would expect). the man ... "I'm a chicken "Anything?" he asked. farmer and for years all my "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde hens were infertile, but today promised. they're finally laying fertilized Well, then, "Just follow me" eggs!" "That's great!" says the said the man as he walked towoman, "How did your chickwards the next room. ens become fertile?" The blonde did as she was told "I used a different cock," he and followed the man. replied. The woman smiled and "Come in and close the door" said, "What a coincidence". the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." Barber Shop She did. "Now take down my A little girl goes to the barber zipper." She did. "Now go shop with her father. She ahead take it out....." He said. stands next to the barber's She reached in and grabbed it chair, eating a cake whilst her with both hands. Then paused. Dad gets his haircut. The The man closed his eyes and barber smiles at her and says, whispered . "Well go ahead." "Sweetheart, you're gonna get The blonde slowly brought her hair on your muffin" mouth closer to it and "I know", she replies. " and I'm while holding it close to her gonna get tits too!" lips, tentatively said "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
What a Coincidence. A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the 6
To True
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This A man comes home early from guy is probably very dangerous. work one day to find his best If he gets angry, he'll kill us Be mate in bed with his wife. strong, honey. I love you." Overcome by anger he stabs To which the wife responds, him to death. "He wasn't kissing my neck. He The wife, shaking her head, was whispering in my ear. He looks at him and said keep that told me he was gay, thinks up and pretty soon you'll have you're cute, and asked if we no friends left. had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be Jail Bird strong, honey. I love you, too." A man escapes from prison Broke Back What. where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house A successful rancher died and to look for money and guns left everything to his devoted and finds a young couple in wife. She was determined to bed. keep the ranch, but knew very He orders the guy out of the little about ranching, so she bed and ties him to a chair. placed an ad in the newspaper While tying the girl to the bed, for a ranch hand. Two cowhe gets on top of her, kisses boys applied for the job. One her neck, then gets up and was gay and the other a drunk. goes into the bathroom. She thought long and hard While he's in there, the husabout it, and when no one else band whispers to his wife, applied she decided to hire the "Listen, this guy's an escaped gay guy, figuring it would be convict - look at his clothes! safer to have him around the He probably spent lots of house than the drunk. He time in jail and hasn't seen a proved to be a hard worker woman in years I saw how he who put in long hours every kissed your neck. If he wants day and knew a lot about sex, don't resist, don't comranching. For weeks, the two plain, do whatever he tells
of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
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Gob Stopper A bloke enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." So the guy places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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No Turn On
A woman comes
A very frustrated husband was down in the dumps about a health issue and had enough of it so he decided he was going to visit a doctor about it. So the next day he went to his doctor. "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas," said the doctor, "bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The following day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doc said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself -- and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'. And it
Welsh farmer
worked, the headaches are all gone!" The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
A Welsh farmer walking through his fields, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi Cachu un a for.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.' The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.' The Welsh farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more'!!!
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comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later -- and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Monday
just what his fast talking Sales guy Blonde shopping for curtains ! had told me last A blonde enters a store that year.... Namely, sells curtains. that in ONE She tells the salesman, "I would YEAR these winlike to buy a pair of pink curdows would pay tains." The salesman assures for themselves! her that they have a large seHelllooooo? It's lection of pink curtains. been a year! He shows her several patterns, There was only but the blonde seems to have a silence at the hard time choosing. other end of the Finally she selects a lovely pink line, so I finally floral print. The salesman then just hung up. asks what size curtains she needs.The blonde promptly "Say, what's replies, "Fifteen inches." your name?" "Fifteen inches?" asked the the bartender salesman. asked the first "That sounds very small - what duck. room are they for?" "Huey," was the The blonde tells him that they reply. aren't for a room, but they are "How's your day for her computer monitor. been, Huey?" The surprised salesman replies, "Great. Lovely "But Miss, computers do not day. Had a ball. Been in and out need curtains!" of puddles all day. What else Wait for it ---could a duck want?" said Huey. The blonde says "Oh. That's nice," said the bar"Hellllooooooooo! I've got tender. He turned to the secWindows!" ond duck, "Hi, And what's your
Curtains !
Dear Diary,
name?" Last year I replaced all the win- "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. dows in my house with that "So how's your day been, expensive Dewey! ?" he asked. double pane energy-efficient "Great. Lovely day. I've had a kind. ball too. Been in and out of Then, this week I got a call puddles all day myself. What from the contractor who inelse could a duck want?" stalled them. The bartender turned to the He was complaining that the third duck and said, "So, you work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyepaid for them. Now just because I'm blonde lashes.......................... "My name is Puddles." doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him 13
Did I read That Sign Right? In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a second hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
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Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney:
What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little ba$ard
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door Driving to the office opened and Kooky Clarence this morning on the M62 mostepped out with his arm outtorway, stretched. "STOP!," he shouted I looked over to my right and in a firm voice. "Have you got a there was a woman in a brand license for that thing?" Ethel new BMW doing 90 miles per fished around in her handbag hour with her face up close and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapto the mirror putting on her per and held it up to him. "OK" eyeliner!!!! he said, and away Ethel sped Shocked, I looked away for a down the hall. couple of seconds As she took the corner near and when I looked back she the TV lounge on one wheel, was still putting on the makeup weird Harold popped out in but drifting halfway into my front of her and shouted lane!! It scared me so much "STOP! Have you got proof of (and this coming from a insurance?" Ethel dug into her bloke....) that I dropped my handbag, pulled out a drink electric shaver, which knocked coaster and held it up to him. the bacon roll out of my other Harold nodded and said "On hand. In all the confusion of your way, Ma'am." trying to straighten up the car As Ethel neared the final corriusing my knees against the dor, Crazy Craig stepped out steering wheel, it knocked in front of her, Butt- Naked, my mobile from my ear, which and holding his "You-Knowfell into the coffee between my What" in his hand. legs, causing it to splash and "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, burn BIG JIM AND THE "Not that Damn Breathalyzer TWINS, causing me to scream, Test again.!!!" which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!! 15
The Smuggler’s Top Ten Insults Sometimes in life we all encounter certain people who need to be insulted. That s**t who steals your parking space, that b*****d who pushes in front of you at the supermarket queue, that c**t who turned down your parole request, we’ve all come across them. Well now you can be prepared, with The Smuggler’s top ten insults. Never again need you be left open mouthed yet speechless at someone else’s crass insensitivity. Never again will you suddenly sit up in bed and shout, “I know, I should have called that woman with the hairy lip ‘Tom Selleck!’ Just memorise the following and like a boy scout with a couple of large hairy balls of string in his pocket you’ll always be able to tell someone how to get knotted:
erogenous zones.
9. May you turn into a chandelier, and hang all day and burn all night! May your boat capsize in the middle of the lake, and may your mother attract attention as she runs up and down the shore, barking.
Postman Pat's Last Day It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.> > The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. 1. May all your teeth fall out At the fourth house he was except the one with toothache! met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took 2. May your daughter’s hair him by the arm and led him up grow thick and abundant, all the stairs to the bedroom over her face! where she 3. May all of Santa’s reindeer blew his mind with the most get the shits on your roof! passionate love he had ever 4. May you be stricken with experienced. When he had had epilepsy while having openenough they went downstairs, heart surgery! where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast tomatoes, 5. May you be described in your local paper as an “alleged bacon, sausage, beans and freshly-squeezed orange juice. child molester.” 6. May you try your luck at When he was truly satisfied she roller-skating, while descending poured him a cup of steaming coffee. the stairs! As she was pouring, he noticed 7. May a mean surgeon sew a five pound note sticking out up your arsehole! from under the cup's bottom 8. May the fleas of a thousand edge. "All this was just too dead camels infest one of your wonderful for words "he said, 16
but what's the fiver for?" Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him....Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea." Foot in Mouth If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's".
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?" The woman says: "No, he's nine and she's seven. Why? Do you think they look alike?" “No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got shagged twice."
sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs". Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "HURT!", Billy replies "He broke three of my fingers!!!"
Govan Wedding.
Highland Hospitality.
A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Billy (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Billy to take the stand. Billy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK". "Well", said Billy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. 'My car has conked out,' said the traveller, 'Where can I spend the night?' 'Why, right here of course!' said the Scot, 'Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality. The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. 'Jeannie,' shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. 'Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality.' The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. 'And now,' said the Highlander, 'I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality.' No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing 17
the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath. 'After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality,' he roared, 'Arch your back. woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor.'
Signed Right. TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. * AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. * IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. * ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
* Spanish Teacher Based in Gandia For Details Phone 615830908. Comedy Street Theatre. Earn money. Have a laugh. Tel:649110424
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Deala?"
all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 1st Affair
The 3rd Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Xmas Stock Now In Store
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McClaren To Rely On Jews For Miracle. Steve McClaren, the beleaguered England manager, faces dismissal this morning after a night of shame in Russia that
Smuggler Sports Page England, with a Steven Gerrard howler, contrived to throw the game away in the final minutes, when the Lverpool striker wasted a simple chance to equalise. McClaren knows his team are likely to miss out on progressing now, and was seen praying in the dug-out at the end. He told his assistant Terry Venables: "We need a miracle from the Yids now."
leaves his team needing a miracle to qualify for the Finals of the Euro 2008 championships. The gritty Northerner saw England snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, leaving them relying on Israel to beat Russia next month if they are to progress to the Final stages of the tournament. Spanish referee, and cheat, Luis Cantalejo virtually consigned England to the scrapheap of European football, when he ruled that Wayne Rooney had brought down Zyryanov inside the box, and awarded a penalty which Pavsomethingorother subsequently converted. McClaren admitted he was "confused" about the defeat, saying: "It was an absolute disgrace. If that penalty had not been awarded, we would have won the game", conveniently forgetting that Russia scored again through the same player four minutes later. 20
The Smuggler’s Guide To Chinese Wisdom The Shang dynasty, which developed within the valleys of the Huang He and Yangtze rivers, became the first major civilization in Asia to produce written records. It arose in the 18th century BC and ruled China for more than 500 years. So with a civilization going back almost 4,000 years, the Chinese just had to have picked up a bit of wisdom. The Smuggler is proud to present its list of the top 26 gems of Chinese Wisdom: 1.Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. 2.Man who run in front of car get tired 3.Man who run behind car get exhausted. 4.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 5.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 6.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 7.Man with one chopstick go hungry. 8.Man who scratch arse should not bite fingernails. 9.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 10.Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. 11.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. 12.War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 13.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. 14.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 15.It take many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it. 16.Man who drive like hell bound to get there. 17.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 18.Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 19.Man who fish in other man’s well often
catch crabs. 20.Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 21.Crowded lift smell different to midget. 22.Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 23.Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 24.Man trapped in pantry have arse in jam. 25.Man who go to bed with itchy arse wake up with smelly finger. 26.Learn to masturbate – come in handy.
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panty-less, booze-cruising Lindsay Lohan, was far too upset to give an Friends, family, and gossip magainterview. We tracked her down zines worldwide were left gobto an alley next to her favourite smacked after pop queen Britney nightspot, `Bozos´, lying in a pool Spears had her two children taken of vomit with scratch marks on off her by a judge somewhere in her wrists. There was a trail of America, yet was allowed contincocaine leading to a still smoulderued custody of her stupid looking ing wreck that may once have Chihuahua. been a Mercedes. Apparently she The decision was taken because had been on her way from rehab the once lithe blonde bimbo has to enjoy a quiet night out. gone through a torrid time over Our U.K. Entertainment reporter the last few years, including epifound that the news was just as sodes of drunken behaviour, shav- shocking for other talent less noing all her hair off, crashing a car, hopers this side of the pond. A and going out without wearing one time lead something-or-other knickers. There is now concern of the less than popular band, ‘The that this latest unwarranted punBabyshambles’, Pete Doherty, ishment may cause her to cry. insisted on being interviewed in his Our U.S.A. Society Correspondent flat about the incident, in order to managed to catch up with former remain on the fringe of media injailbird and bewilderingly untalterest. ented socialite, Paris Hilton, in “Hey man, you want a pull on this? order to find out how she felt No? Suit yourself. It’s 100% Malawi when she’d received the news Gold! Anyways, yeah, it’s like, you about her close friend. know, bad things happen to all “I nearly crapped myself when I good people in this world. And, found out. I was drink-driving to a like, you people of the press aren’t club at the time that it came on happy unless you’re like, you over the radio. My two Chihuaknow, making us do bad things, huas, Tinkerbell and Jimi Hendrix, yeah? Everybody likes me. Even pissed all over the leather seats of high court judges can’t bring themmy Ferrari as I lost control of the selves to punish me. I’m funny, vehicle and had to remember how attractive, talented, hard as rock, to brake. They were visibly shaken but, you know, caring as well. But by the news, as were my two bun- you guys, like, write bad things nies, Marilyn and Monroe, who about me. Stop hassling me, man. were in the glove compartment You wanna fight?” making poo-balls at the time. My When we reminded the `hardman three parrots nearly fell off the of pop´ that the interview was rear view mirror and my two about the plight of the not-somonkeys were going ape-shit in sexy-now Britney, he chose to the trunk.” ramble on like a demented imbe“What Britney needs now is a cile, informed us that he’d just good night out. Plenty of booze, published a book of poetry, scribdrugs, and a shoulder to pass-out bled for an hour, then slurred the on. I’d do it but I’m up to my tits following priceless ditty to us: with photo shoots, inane inter“There was a blonde bird called views, and getting over my long Britney; stretch doing bird. Oh, and I can’t who sang songs like that bird be arsed really.” Whitney; Another acquaintance of the now Now they’ve taken her sprogs; chunky-waisted singer, equally and left her with dogs,
Shit! I’ve lost the kids!
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And now she’s feeling quite shitney.” The Gifted One then took another couple of drags of his `doobie´, grabbed a bottle of Vodka, and excused himself to the bathroom. After 20 minutes of distant shouting, a loud crash, followed by a worrying spell of silence, we brought the interview to an end. In an attempt to lighten proceedings at the recent Asian Summit, our Foreign Political Correspondent chose to ask the two Korean leaders for their opinions. North Koreas´ gregarious leader, Kim Jong-il was forthright with his views. “Why you ask me about Blitney, you bloody plick? I no like Glate Blitney. Tony Blair was a bloody plick. He no like my nuclear ploglamme. Now they have the new king Gordon Blaun. He tok funny. Like he want to vomit. He bloody plick. He tok lubbish. Why you ask me about Blitney?” After we attempted to correct the situationl, Kim Jong-il took it on himself to inform the South Korean leader as to what the hell we were on about. Roh Moo-hyuns´ response, through an interpreter, left us wondering why we’d even bothered in the first place. “I find it incredible that the children of Great Britain have been taken away from their parents. However, if all the parents are partying, taking drugs, and driving like lunatics, then America has the right to confiscate the children. America is our friend. However, not all is lost for Britain. They still have their dogs. Just do what we do here in Asia. Chuck the soddin´ things in the oven with some roasties.”
October 2007. Royturds News Agency
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The Ragged Clown/The mer. After a couple of
blows the doctor told the man to try the toilet in his office. A As regular readers of this aufew minutes later the gust organ already know, The builder came out with Smuggler does not carry any ‘doom and gloom’ stories. No a big smile of relief on tiresome descriptions of dodgy his face, unable to lawyers, land-grabbed proper- thank the doctor enough. ties or other ‘tales of woe’. “How on earth did Therefore, you won’t hear a you do that?” the peep out of me about the recent job done on my house by builder asked. “What some so-called ‘builders’. You the hell caused that won’t catch me going on about terrible constipation?” the fact that they only had two The doctor calmly replied, jobs to do. Build a wall and dig “Just stop wiping your arse on cement bags, will you?” a cesspit. There’s no way I’ll mention the fact that the wall subsequently fell into the cesspit (I know, before you say it, leaving me quite literally in the shit!) No sir, my lips are sealed on the subject. So this month, in true Smuggler tradition, I thought I’d turn it around. Instead of all the usual doom and gloom you can read in just about any other English language publication over here, Another builder told me the story of how he was working I thought we’d look on the on a church. He was putting in bright side. “Let’s give our some wooden beams and as he readers some positive stories was hammering them in he about British builders,” I thought. So here we are, after missed the nail and hit his hand. “Fuck it, I missed,” he cried out much pain staking research, I in pain. The priest in charge of give you, ‘Builders from the church heard this outburst Heaven’: and asked him not to use such The first tale I heard came from a builder who has worked language while working on the house of God. Over the next in Spain for many years. He was struck down with terrible couple of days the same thing constipation. It was so bad he happened a couple more times. eventually decided to seek the The builder was getting heartily help of an English-speaking doc- sick of the priest’s carping. So tor. After a thorough examina- he asked him, “Why should I tion the doctor asked the man stop swearing? Am I suddenly going to be struck down by to bend, and then proceeded lightening?” to hit his bottom with a hamHouse That Twat Built
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The priest replied, “Well, you might,” With that, a huge bolt of lightening shot down out of the sky, and the poor priest was instantly incinerated. Then this deep loud voice that seemed to come from above said, “Fuck it, I missed,” A friend of mine, who is not a builder but an electrician, always has us in stitches with this story, which he swears is true. He worked for a company that had the contract to service all the electrics for Her Majesty’s Prisons. He had done this work for many years when, after fancying a change, he decided to emigrate to America (his father was an American service man who had been stationed in the UK). He told us he got some similar work in the US, again working in prisons. After working in one jail for a few weeks he was asked to service ‘Old Smokey’, the electric chair. After he’d been on this job for a few days his boss came looking for him, wanting to know what was taking so long. He said to his boss, “I know I’m taking a long
time, but can you blame me? This thing’s a fucking death trap!” Another friend of mine, this time a plumber, told me about the time he was working on a job where the lady of the house was home. One thing led to another and before long they were up in the bed chamber playing hide the salami. After a bit she said, “Look, my husband will be home soon. But he’ll only stay for his tea then he’ll be out again. Why don’t you come back at about 8 tonight and we’ll start again?” “Sorry missus,” he replied, “But not on my own time!” This same chap told me how he did a job in the home of a prominent neurosurgeon. The work only took a few minutes but seeing the doc was loaded he presented him a bill for £150. The doctor almost fell over with shock and said, “£150! I’m a top neurosurgeon and I don’t get £150 for ten minutes work!” “Yeah, I know,” said the plumber, “I found the same thing when I was a neurosurgeon, that’s why I retrained as a plumber.” On a more sombre note two builders were working on a stately home in England when they discovered a body that appeared to have bricked itself up inside a wall. They called the police and an investigation was started. The two builders were intrigued to know just who the person was that had bricked themselves up. After a few days with no news they decided to contact the police to see if they had discovered the identity of the body. Someone
a big, rough, tough German called Hans. Now Hans was no chef. In fact the only job he could do well was the washing up! But if any jobs around the kitchen needed doing which were nasty, such as chopping up turtles or gutting fish, Han’s was the man. He was not squeamish. Well, this arrangement worked well for many years. Gervais doing the cooking, and calling upon Han’s if any chopping up was needed. One day a customer ordered squid. The restaurant kept a supply of live squid in a tank to ensure they were fresh. Gervais went to the tank and noticed that they only had one squid left. Gervais took this last squid out of the tank and looked at it. There was something funny about this squid. It just seemed to give off a really nice personality. It looked so pathetic. For a start it was green, and it had a moustache. Gervais got the chopper and was about to kill it when, with some achievement!” “But I’m not 160 years old,” replied the the chopper held high, he found builder, “I’m just over 50.”“But himself looking into the kindly that’s impossible!” cried St Pe- squid’s face, and he just couldn’t do it. So he called for Han’s. ter, “I’ve added up your time Han’s came over from the sink sheets!” and grabbed the chopper. He Honk, honk! held it high and was about to The French Restaurant bring it down with an almighty There was a French restaurant crash when he too found himin Spain, which produced some self looking into the kindly really fantastic food. The chef squid’s face. His heart melted responsible for this food was and he found that he too just called Gervais. Now Gervais couldn’t kill the squid. was a fine chef, but he did have Now Han’s that does dishes is one fault – he was really soft. If as soft as Gervais, because of a anything needed doing that was mild, green, hairy-lipped squid. a bit ‘icky’ he just couldn’t do it. To get round this problem the manager of the restaurant hired 25 in the Lincolnshire Police must have had a sense of humour because the answer they got was, “We have reason to believe it was the 1962 World Hide and Seek Champion.” Then of course, we have to finish with the builder who died and went up to heaven. When he got there he discovered a big party being held in his honour. “Why are you holding a party for me?” he asked, puzzled. “Because you’re the oldest man in the world, of course! Over 160 years old, that’s quite
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Adolfo (Part four) Juanita was awoken by the sound of Juan banging his head against the wall of the hovel, “Juan” Juanita screamed “you will awaken baby Adolfo with all that head banging”, “I can’t help it” replied Juan “I have got so many flea’s that my hands can’t cope and I can kill them better this way and besides which your baby Adolfo is out in the fields making as much noise as me”. Sure enough as she listened Juanita could hear the grunts and groans of Adolfo out in the field. Leaving Juan to his head banging flea killing she went to investigate. After pausing for a short while to relieve her self and carry out her ritual foot stamping (toilet paper being at a premium) she discovered Adolfo at the bottom of a large hole he had dug in the field, “what are you doing Adolfo” screamed Juanita “are you out of your mind someone could fall in there and injure themselves” “I don’t know what came over me mútter I just got this urge to dig a hole”. ‘Mútter’ Juanita thought, is this the word for mother has my baby called me mother, “did you call me mother Adolfo?” Juanita screams, “no you knicker less prat I called you Nutter because you are always screaming and stamping your feet”. Adolfo had really called her mother but didn’t want to miss the opportunity of slapping her down a peg or two. Juan appeared on the scene with the blood still running down his face from his flea killing exploits, “what’s the score with the hole Adolfo, you wont get to Argentina that way” “I don’t know papa” Adolfo replies, but thinks to himself ‘any more wise cracks from you, you plonker, and they will be calling you none when I rip the other one of’. “Papa” yells Juan “did you call me Papa?” “No I
called you Crapa cause you still smell like that pile of shit you hid in when I arrived,” ‘another good put down Adolfo thinks’. Adolfo was feeling troubled though, why was he digging these holes, what was with all the urges to dig. Hola (with the silent H) came the sound of a sweet voice through the orange grove, it was coming from a beautiful olive skinned young girl and directed at Juanita. “Ola” (no need for the H) Juanita replied, it was Brestita a young niece of Juanita’s who lived in the village, “what brings you out this way Brestita?” asked Juanita “mother was in Bar Ole last night and everyone was talking about the strange happenings in this neck of the grove so I thought I’d pop up and check them out, but hey, what’s with the hole and the kid in it?” “The hole we can’t get a handle on as yet but the kid is our newly adopted boy Adolfo, he arrived yesterday by special delivery”. Adolfo was sat in the hole staring at the young girl and with his x-ray vision had guessed where Brestita had gotten her name, how could anyone so young be so perfectly formed, such small feet to allow her to stand close to the kitchen sink, large hands for working the land, such a flat head for carrying the buckets and such perfectly shaped breasts for! Oh no he was too young to think such things but by the expression on Juan’s face, he was not alone in having such thoughts. All of a sudden Juan let out a yelp and dived back into the pile of shit. ‘My power of suggestion is working well’ thought Adolfo. Back in the hovel and joined by their guest Brestita they all enjoyed a breakfast of orange pulp, crispy orange peel and soaked orange pips washed down by, yes you guessed, orange juice. Juanita insisted that eating this type of breakfast provided them with all
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the vitamin C they required and more nourishment than that 3€ Jockish breakfast down at Bar Ole or even that 2€ breakfast platter with free bottle of wine provided by Dr Watson’s Bar. (Yes free bottle of wine! See Kev) However Juan disagreed and could often be found in Watson’s with his mate Georgeo sacrificing his egg for another sausage, mind you Georgeo was being attracted more towards Bar Ole with their offering of sheep gut, filled with blood and pig fat. “Mine got blut knacker wurst! is such splendid food available in this god forsaken land,” screamed Adolfo, he was getting into the Spanish way of expressing himself, whoops he thought, ‘I must be able read minds’. The rest just sat staring at the strange boy.
Will Adolfo discover what is causing his urge to dig these holes! Will Brestita fall for the strange young man in the leather pants and the funny accent! Is there a ‘war of the breakfasts’ brewing the hamlet! Will Kevin really give away a free bottle of wine! Don’t miss next instalment in ‘The Smuggler’ magazine.
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Dear Uncle Gerrard To John Scullion aka Uncle Gerrard From Nina, Petit Bar Bleu, Oliva.
on our own. I have now been advised not to work for the foreseeable future owing to a threatening thrombosis. So perhaps you would like to add You seem to have joined the non-exclusive club of malicious malingerer to the tight arsed gossipers of Oliva, possibly, but miserable cow without a life already mentioned. probably not, discrediting the For info only: much sort after Smuggler, albeit that page 27 is one of the Scullion, lowest form of kitchen few original contributions not life, Oxford Dictionary. lifted directly from the net. Here is the original letter from As your magazinette is gaining September issue. This is a genuine in popularity, i.e. May edition entry from an avid Smuggler connetted merely 300€ in advertis- tributor. (UG) ing revenue (obviously without I am writing to you because I my contribution already disam feeling victimised by the cussed) and this month over employment department here 1000€ without IVA receipts, I in Spain. Recently the bar that would have thought you would my husband and I have run for have no need to stoop to the the last umpteen years was level of 12 lies in one letter visited by these people. The purely for your own amuseresult was they fined us for ment. having none registered people At the same time you have in our employment and paying given your readers the distinct them under the national minibut wrong impression that it mum pay scale. We pay our was actually written by me and employees €4 an hour and in therefore true. Moreover, in order to spread the work replying to your own fictitious about and give them all a share letter, you have directed some of the cake, employ about 16 very unpleasant remarks to me of them on 4 hours a week which are completely undeshifts. This gives my employee’s served, referring to your much bags of time to enjoy the sunquoted phase, in this case the shine, me time to enjoy my cap doesn’t fit. gardening and my husband time If you knew anything at all to enjoy his drink. It is now about the business, you would imposable for us to continue to realise there is little similarity support the local economy by between running a bar here paying such good wages to so and in the U.K. many people, so my husband As a result of 4 years running and I are now running the bar Petit Bar Bleu from scratch on our own. My garden is with part time staff (All of really suffering and my husband whom asked to work here) and is so busy in the bar that he has six weeks of Ian and I running it started to shake a lot. I am so 29
upset at these Spanish picking on us British can you please help by suggesting a remedy to this dilemma. Feeling off colour in Oliva. Dear Nina As you can see I have published your letter which I eventually received via pony express AKA Oliva’s gossip mongering fraternity. This is despite all the electronic wizardry available to our modern society. In response let me say that when I published the letter there was no indication what so ever as to which establishment the letter was referring to. Having spent some of the happier times of my stay in Oliva in your Bar, both in your company and that intellectual wizard Ian’s, I would not deliberately set out to upset you. Had I known that the letter referred to you I would never have used the term ‘tight arsed bitch’ you are certainly not that. Please remember this is a spoof magazine that does not set out to deliberately cause controversy, only light entertaining reading for all. Let me please offer you eight hours a week of my time, free of charge, to work in your Bar during your time of ill health as a way of apologising for any unintentional upset caused to you and Ian. After all as my name implies I am here to serve.
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