Russell Grant Magazine - August 2021 (Holiday821)

Lisa (London) “My ex-husband never lets me know when he wants to see the children.

He may contact me at short notice and offer to have them or break our arrangements, sometimes by simply not turning up for a pre-arranged visit. This means that I end up consoling two disappointed children and can never plan anything social for myself.”

Therapist Susan’s reply: It sounds as if you need to mentally remove your ex-husband from your plans in terms of relying on him for childcare. I'm sure you've repeatedly explained to him the consequences of his behaviour, the impact it is likely to have on his long term relationship with the children. You could try discussing the situation with your lawyer to see if they could formalise your access arrangements, but if he is determined to be unreliable there is in reality little that can be done.

You probably know several other parents of young children. Could you encourage your children to become friends with them so that they would be comfortable staying over at each other's houses occasionally? By alternating childcare you could provide each other with reliable baby sitting and free evenings from time to time.

Grandparents can assume extra responsibility after a divorce, but often one set are neglected or become estranged. Could you utilise your relationship with both sets of grandparents? They may be thrilled to be asked and love the opportunity to bond overnight with their grandchildren. It can also benefit the children to have a loving, supportive relationship with their grandparents, one that is a little detached from their immediate family issues. They may find it beneficial to have a safe place where they can discuss their fears, problems and concerns without risking upsetting or offending you.

Try being more relaxed about social events and have fun at home by inviting friends over to yours on occasion. Okay, it's not the same as a night out with the girls, but you can enjoy time with your friends, everyone can bring a dish and a bottle, the children can play safely together and you can all enjoy each other's company.