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APRIL 2014 Issue 69
Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret!
Protect your world Auto-Home Life-Retirement
Call me today to discuss your options. Some people think Allstate only protects your car. Truth is, Allstate can also protect your home or apartment, your boat, motorcycle - even your retirement and your life. And the more of your world you put in Good Hands®, the more you can save.
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Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.
INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery Susan Langley, Owner
www.IngramMemorial.com 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL
334-792-0044 1-800-598-0045
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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IN OUR 6TH YEAR, Laughs&Lifts is a FREE, full color, interactive, local publication that can be seen 365 days a year. It is published monthly and distributed anywhere consumers experience wait times; doctors’ offices, dentists’ offices, urgent cares, hotels, senior centers, clubs, car washes, and in many high traffic businesses like groceries and restaurants. The goal of Laughs&Lifts is to entertain and engage consumers. We strive to maximize enjoyment for our readers and maximum exposure for our advertisers. Laughs&Lifts is a cost effective, marketing tool for small business owners to effectively spend the dollars they have, in their target market where most businesses generate 80% of their customers. Laughs&Lifts is also an effective tool for businesses of all sizes, whether it is the only thing they do or whether it is just a supplement to their advertising program. Consumers spend an average of 45 minutes interacting with Laughs&Lifts and they almost always take it with them. While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographic errors or omissions.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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THE 23RD CHANNEL The TV is my shepherd, I shall want. It makes me lie down on the sofa. It leads me away from the Scriptures. It destroys my soul. It leads me in the path of sex and violence, for the sponsor's sake. Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my Christian responsibilities, there will be no interruption; For the TV is with me. It's cable and remote, they control me. It prepares a commercial before me in the presence of worldliness; it anoints my head with Humanism, My coveting runneth over. Surely laziness and ignorance shall Follow me all days of my life: And I shall dwell in the house Watching TV forever.
For A Meal A Treat Or A Party! The area’s only homemade ice cream shop! Homemade Ice Cream Freshly Baked Waffle Cones Sandwiches & Wraps Soups & Salads Ice Cream Cakes Specialty Cowffees 158 E. Broad St. Ozark 443-0222 1665 Hwy 231 S. Troy 770-1094 113 E. College St Enterprise 348-2202
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
To See our Menu & Flavors Visit milkymooicecream.com Milky Moo’s Too Candy & Gift Baskets 111 E. College St. Enterprise 475-2128
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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An ungrateful person is like a hog eating apples under a tree…never looking up to see where they come from.
ELECT TOMMY
FARMER DALE COUNTY COMMISSIONER
DISTRICT 1
A Dale County Citizen, Not a Politician!!!
ELECT Tommy Farmer & You’ll Get A Man With Integrity, Service, & Leadership… Who Will Work Hard for the People of Dale County Thank You For Your Support.
I
was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my twoyear-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
Pet Bills While waiting at the vet’s office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs. "What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman. "Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
"Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers
PAID POL. AD BY TOMMY FARMER, 1389 JERNIGAN RD. OZARK, AL. 36360
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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When was the last time you did something for the first time.
Did you know that the first letter of every continent's name is the same as the last? AmericA, AntarcticA, EuropE, AsiA, AustraliA, AfricA.
YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY...
KEEP 25 YEARS EXPERIENCE
...for thinking before acting.
ELEANOR
...for hearing before judging. ...for forgiving your enemies. ...for being candid and frank in love. ...for helping a fallen brother. ...for being honest in business. ...for thinking before speaking. ...for standing by your principles. ...for closing your ears to gossip. ...for bridling a slanderous tongue. ...for harboring pure thoughts. ...for sympathizing with the afflicted.
DALE COUNTY
OUTLAW
REVENUE COMMISSIONER “I have the knowledge and ability that only comes from years of “Hands On” experience. I am a member of the Kiwanis Club and National Association of Professional Women. My husband and I are members of Ozark Baptist Church. I ask for your vote, and in return, I pledge to continue to be available to help support and serve the people of Dale County with honesty and integrity.”
...for being courteous and kind Paid Political Advertisement by the campaign to KEEP ELEANOR OUTLAW REVENUE COMMISSIONER 287 CR 50 Ozark, Alabama
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BUBBA & JOHNNY ROY
Bubba and Johnny Roy were sittin' on the front porch In a swing when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed."
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that. Division of Labor
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The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. "It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on." "And you?" "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Al. 36360
Sammy Judah
334-774-7177 Donna Shuman
“In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” —Ann Landers
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR "Don't play stupid with me - I always win.", Joe Biden
6
"Last year I went on a low-fat diet and now I'm overweight from the waist down."
NOW IN TROY Family Magazine
CALL KEITH 334-403-2790 TO ADVERTISE OR FOR DISTRIBUTION LOCATIONS Painful Progress A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading Laughs & Lifts while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress . Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said, "Canned goods and ammunition.
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"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."
Leaving the Farm A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?". With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."
Here’s the dirt! Plus tools, storage, and everything You need to get the garden ready.
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APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Save money, Live Better.
Mistakes are proof that you are doing something.
Some people come in your life as blessings, others come in your life as lessons.
I Just Want My Chicken One fine evening Chad walked into a fast food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his meal to the park for a romantic picnic under the moonlight with Karla, his woman. Upon reaching into the container of chicken, however, Chad received a surprise. Instead of chicken, he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit of nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. Expensive chicken!
DALE COUNTY
CORONER
Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller after every mistake.
The manager, in awe of the man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station. Chad would become a local hero, an example of integrity and morality that would inspire others! The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting, I just want my chicken. No publicity, please!" The manager's amazement over Chad's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged again to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this,
Continued on page 10 APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Wise people are not always silent, but they know when to be.
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Chad became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken. "I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show there are people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the name of the woman in the car. Is that your wife?" "That's the problem," said Chad. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here." It is easy to look first-rate to people who don't know us. We can keep the high visibility of our misdeeds in check. Since we all want to look good to others, this ambition can provide a strong motive for self-discipline. But when it comes to the low visibility of our thought life, we are not as careful. After all, who is going to see what occurs in our hearts? So we settle for looking good on the outside but concealing a
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Continued on Page 11 APRIL 2014 I haven’t been this excited about Friday since NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR last Friday
10
Nothing ever comes to one, that is worth having, except as a result of hard work. Booker T. Washington private world made up of thoughts we would not want anyone to uncover. Yet our fiercest battles lie in this low visibility arena. The answer to winning the battle for our secret life is to open ourselves to self-examination by God's loving and gentle Spirit. King David prays in Psalm 139:24, "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (NIV). Sure, we would prefer not to hear any bad news about our secret sins. But we need to hear the "bad news" if we are to mature and be transformed by God. The willingness to hear hard truth is vital for anyone who loves wisdom. In the end, the truth may sound like bad news, but it is just what we need.
About Tanya Roberts ● Ozark, Alabama native ● Married to Jim Roberts for 32 years ● Two Children: Mrs. Meagan (Jonathan) Chapman and Jarod Roberts
Education & Experience ● BS - Business Administration/Management from Troy University AAS - Business - Mississippi Gulf Coast Junior College ● 25 years of business management experience in Operations,Customer Service, Warehousing, Distribution, Logistics and Information Technology ● Managed and implemented projects that included merging, acquiring, relocating, and selling companies ● Executive Director with Ozark Area Chamber of Commerce since 2011 “I sincerely ask for your vote. I want to put my experience, work ethic, and leadership to work for Dale County. I would work diligently to ensure efficient, customer service focused, convenient, professional services to the taxpayers of Dale County. Thank you for your support.” Tanya T. Roberts
482 S. Union Ave. OZARK 774-9345 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. ENTERPRISE 393-0503 270 Ross Clark Cir. DOTHAN 794-8521 2606 Ross Clark Cir, DOTHAN 792-1195 177 Hwy. 231 N. TROY 566-3413
Remember when the colonists stood in line to register their muskets? ….Me Neither.
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Old age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Ham
Apple-Ham Confetti Loaf
Dijon Ham Muffins
Ingredients
Ingredients
3 eggs 1/4 cup packed brown sugar 2 tablespoons prepared mustard 1 tablespoon soy sauce 1/8 teaspoon pepper 3 cups crushed cornflakes 2/3 cup each chopped green, sweet red & yellow peppers 2 cups diced peeled apples 1/2 cup chopped onion 1-1/2 pounds ground ham 1-1/2 pounds ground pork Orange marmalade or apricot preserves
1-2/3 cups all-purpose flour 1/3 cup cornmeal 1/4 cup sugar 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 to 2 teaspoons ground mustard 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves 2 eggs 1 cup buttermilk 1/3 cup vegetable oil 3 tablespoons Dijon mustard 1 cup finely chopped fully cooked ham
Directions
Directions
In a bowl, combine eggs, brown sugar, mustard,
In a large bowl, combine the first eight ingredients. Combine the eggs, buttermilk, oil and mustard; stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in the ham. Fill greased muffin cups three-fourths full. Bake at 375° for 20-25 minutes or until muffins test done. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks. Yld: 14 muffins.
soy sauce and pepper; stir in cornflakes, peppers, apples and onion. Add ham and pork; mix well. Divide between two ungreased 8-in. x 4-in. loaf pans. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 45 minutes. Spoon marmalade or preserves over loaves. Bake20-30 minutes longer or until a meat thermometer reads 170°. Yield: 2 loaves.
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APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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If you're looking for real estate in the Ozark area, we can help you choose the right property for your needs and will guide you towards making an informed real estate decision in our market. We pride ourselves in being able to give all our clients important local information needed to make informed decisions based on years of living and enjoying all the Ozark area has to offer. If you are a seller, we can help price and put your property on the market for a quick sale.
1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY
Be a good person but don’t waste time to prove it.
Remember that your present situation is not your final destination… the the best is yet to come.
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Ham Hurry-Up Ham and Noodles
Harvest Ham Skillet
Ingredients
Ingredients
5 to 6 cups uncooked wide egg noodles 1/4 cup butter, cubed 1 cup heavy whipping cream 1-1/2 cups julienned fully cooked ham 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese 1/4 cup thinly sliced green onions 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon brown sugar 1-1/2 teaspoons cornstarch 2/3 cup apple juice 1-1/2 teaspoons Dijon mustard 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1 fully cooked ham slice (about 1-1/2 pounds and 1 inch thick), quartered 1 tablespoon butter 1 medium tart apple, peeled and diced 1/4 cup dried cranberries 2 green onions, chopped
Directions Cook noodles according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, melt butter over medium heat. Gradually whisk in cream. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly; cook and stir for 2 minutes longer or until thickened. Add the ham, cheese, onions, salt and pepper; cook, uncovered, until heated through. Drain noodles; add to ham mixture. Toss to coat; heat through.
Directions In a small bowl, combine brown sugar and cornstarch. Stir in the apple juice, mustard and lemon juice until smooth; set aside. In a large skillet, brown ham slice on both sides in butter. Remove and set aside. Add the apple, cranberries and onions to the skillet; cook for 2-3 minutes or until apple is tender. Stir in the apple juice mixture. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Return ham to the skillet; heat through. Yield: 4 servings.
HAVE You Considered Applying for YOUR Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already
BEEN DENIED YOUR BENEFITS?
Rose Clark Hallford Has been Representing Clients in Disability Claims FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS FREE CONSULTATION 334-443-3000
406 Ben St. • Suite 100 Near the Ft. Rucker gate
FaithworkzDisability@gmail.com
Ozark, Alabama 36360
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
13
Golf! is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Debit Card By Wallace Kennedy, Jr.
We’re a FULL SERVICE Shop!
T
he Debit Card is the new norm for spending money; most people are familiar with it and understand how it works. What if someone gave you a “Debit Card” or “Blank Check” with unlimited resources? Most of us having this privilege would certainly start with paying off all our debt. In the natural if this happen to us we would be very excited. Consider the spiritual: Jesus paid a debt that we could not pay. 1 Corinthians 6:20 tells us: For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. We all had or have a “sin debt” that cost too much for human efforts nor can be purchase with money. This debt could only be paid with the shading of innocent (sinless) blood of the Son of God. Jesus climbed Calvary’s Hill and paid all our Bills! Be encouraged whoever you are. Jesus death not only redeemed us from the “sin debt” but in fact we do have a “Debit Card” from heaven. Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came to give us eternal life and a life of abundance, living life to the fullest right now. Whatever you need, God has it, and He is waiting to give it to you. Salvation is a free gift from God, grace is God’s unmerited favor. Accept and welcome Christ Jesus into your hearts, make Him Lord over your life and every sin-debt you have ever accumulated will be paid in full instantly. APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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828 U.S. 231 Ozark, AL. 36360 334-445-1460
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305 Newton Avenue Ozark, AL 36360
43% of all statistics are useless.
When we regard another as superior, we have just made him that; when we regard ourselves as inferior, we have just made ourselves that.
NOW IN TROY
Family Magazine Keith Blankenship
334-403-2790 322 Andrews Ave. Suite 3 Ozark, Al 36360 LaughsandLifts.com KeithB@LaughsandLifts.com
Tell the Truth The Judge asked the defendant, “Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” “I do.” “Now what do you say to defend yourself?” “Your Honor, under those limitations... Nothing.”
My preacher friend put sanitary hot-air hand dryers in the church rest rooms, but after two weeks he took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, 'For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button.'
Family Magazine
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ozark 453 South Union Ave. Ozark, AL 36360
334-774-1416
Some who are not paid what they are worth ought to be glad.
DOTHAN 1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
334-699-4122
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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COMMUNITY PEOPLE QUALITY HEALTHCARE
Dale Medical Center
Health Focus
Dale Medical Center Awarded Healthcare Organization of the Month Dale Medical Center (DMC) has been awarded the Healthcare Organization of the Month for March 2014 by the Studer Group. The Studer Group is an outcomes firm that implements evidencebased leadership systems that help hundreds of organizations obtain and sustain outstanding results in clinical, operational and service excellence. This distinction is awarded only to those healthcare organizations across the United States that demonstrate marked improvements in patient satisfaction, employee workplace experience as well as reinvesting back into their respective communities. Dale Medical Center is an eighty nine (89) bed rural acute care community hospital that also provides 24 hour Emergency Room service in Ozark Alabama. Since its inception in 1952, Dale Medical Center has grown from being just an acute care hospital to include an Ambulatory Surgery Center, STATMED Urgent Care Clinic, Therapy Plus Outpatient Rehab, Community Hospice, Home Health Agency, multiple physician practices, and a 25 bed Geriatric and Adult Behavioral Health Unit. Dale Medical Center began a renewed journey and focus directed at providing their patients and their families an excellent experience in November 2012 when they partnered with the Studer Group. DMC’s patient satisfaction scores were improving; however, they were doing so at 2014 a slower than APRIL
NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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desired pace and lacked sustainability as focus shifted within the organization. Through extensive staff training and implementation of new processes and behaviors within the organization, great improvements have been realized over the last year. Because processes and systems are being “hardwired” within the organization and consistently practiced Dale Medical Center has realized sustained double digit increases in their outcome scores. “This award serves as an acknowledgement of the unified efforts by DMC’s physicians and employees to take our hospital to a higher level of care. It is exciting to see the increased engagement of our staff as we transform into a culture of always and not optionality. A hospital administrator once said that some members of a community might feel that the hospital in the next town is better than the local hospital. Our staff won’t accept that opinion and are committed, that given the opportunity, we will deliver the type of care we all would want and expect – for ourselves and for our families,” said Vernon Johnson, CEO. Among the practices being hardwired resulting in improved outcomes include: · Hourly Rounding on their patients. · Utilizing Key Words at Key times for improved communications. · Acknowledge, Introduce, Duration, Explain, and Thank You is practiced with each patient encounter. · Quarterly Leadership Development Institutes for professional development and growth. · Employee Development Institutes for professional development and growth. · Quarterly Staff Townhall Meetings improved communications within the organization. · Implementation of LEM (Leadership Evaluation Manager) for improved accountability. · Scheduled Monthly Meetings with all leaders to monitor progress towards organizational goals and improved communication. · Employee Appreciation Events. · Employee Recognition.
126 HOSPITAL AVE • OZARK, AL 36360 334-774-2601 Visit Our Website At www.DaleMedical.org For the latest news & Health information
Now Accepting Patients
A not-for-profit organization Dedicated to providing the most Compassionate, Comprehensive Hospice Care (334) 774-1380 Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry
126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 APRIL 2014 www.dalemedical.org NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR Lifts
LaughsandLifts.com
334-379-7603
17
September 2012
17
Why would anyone ever want a camouflage wallet? That and my knife are two things I’d like to see really well if they fall out of my pocket.
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TITLE ~ PAYDAY LOANS ~ TAX SERVICE Kim,LOANS Manager .
Laughs&Lifts is a great work-from-home business opportunity for people with sales, marketing, publishing, or business experience! Call Us! 334-379-7603 My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
Assaying Value
Imagine a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out all of it, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is Time. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as lost whatever you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I've decided I want to be ambidextrous. I'm already half way there!
Why are there no Bream Pro Shops? For that matter, why are there no Bass Amateur Shops?
• • • • • • • • • •
The most common terms of endearment Honey: 48 percent Baby: 44 percent Sweetheart: 41 percent Dear: 39 percent Lover: 32 percent Darling: 31 percent Sugar: 24 percent Angel: 20 percent Pumpkin: 13 percent Beautiful: 6 percent
EXPANDED LUNCH BUFFET AND SALAD BAR Open 7 days a week for lunch! OPEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SERVING SHRIMP & CATFISH BUFFET $11.50 Includes Tea
I don’t see mine on the list!
The Strongest Compassionate care with dignity and respect Available 24 Hours
The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun. --Napoleon Hill
S
elling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”
4-TIRE ROTATION
EVERYDAY VALUE PRICE
39
$
.95 Or less
Jan 1�� - Dec 31�� 2014
Includes: Up to 5 quarts of dexos1 synthetic blend & an ACDELCO oil filter for the $39.95 Everyday value price. Excludes conventional and full synthetic oil. Rotation of four tires Fluid-level inspection & check steering, suspension, wiper blades, exhaust, undercarriage, belts and hoses.
April 1�� - May 31�� 2014 $100 Rebate on Bridgestone, Continental, Goodyear, Hankook, and Perelli. $50 Rebate on BFGoodrich, Dunlop, Firestone, General & Michelin.
This rebate offer cannot be combined with individual tire manufacturer rebates and or specials. Rebate is issued as a debit card. All rebates must be postmarked no later than 30 days after the end of each rebate period. Allow 6-8 weeks for rebate Debit card delivery
1801 US Hwy. 231 South, Ozark
Sid has had his ID stolen.....we now call him S
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, rather than a piece of our mind.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those jerks at the Post Office.
NEW LOCATION
SALE APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
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Most of the problems in life are because of two reasons… we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.
First Woman President The first woman President is elected. Not only is she a woman, she also happens to be Jewish. After the election results are in, she calls her mother. “Mama, I’ve won the election, you’ve got to come to my inauguration!” “I don’t know, what would I wear?” says mama. “Don’t worry, I’ll send you to a dressmaker.” “But I only eat kosher food.” “Mama, I’m going to be the president, I can get you kosher food.” “But how will I get there?” “I’ll send a limo, just come, Mama.” “Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.” The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. “You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?” she says proudly. “Her brother’s a doctor.”
WEDDING GOWNS & FORMALS CLEANING AND PRESERVING Boots • Belts • Hats • Caps • Gloves • Shoes
COMFORTERS AND QUILTS
Monday-Friday 6 Saturday 6-12 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
Logan’s Cleaners & Alterations Take It Up or Let It Out! Buttons, Zippers, Hems & Mending
Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxatives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.
Quality Work at Fair Prices 774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL
BIG JUICY STRAWBERRIES
Sawyers Produce The
220 W. Malvern Hwy Malvern, Alabama 334-793-6690
DOTHAN NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES
334-699-4122
1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Tim Stafford, Owner
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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In life, we must always find out things straight from the horse's mouth and not the jackass spreading the gossip.
FIND 9 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS Answers on page 30
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I never said most of the things I said….Yogi Berra
My wife just found out that I’ve replaced our bed with a trampoline....she hit the roof.
Ask Dr. Gaunt questions you have about your dental needs. See Page 26
COLLINS’ SOUTH UNION GARAGE TRANSMATIC TRANSMISSIONS Specializing in ALL Transmissions, Electronic Diagnostics and Complete Automotive Repair Transmatic Transmissions 1209 Rucker Blvd
392 South Union Ave.
393-0005 Mike Collins, Owner
Marshall Collins, Mgr.
24 HR Towing & Wrecker Service
Transmatic Transmissions 1713 Reeves St.
774-5650
678-0039 Mark Collins, Owner
SOUTH UNION RESTORATION & BODY SHOP
430 South Union Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright
24 HR Emergency Roadside Service
334-774-5000
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Stop the presses “World’s oldest man dies.” Why does this keep happening? THE WILL
A father left 17 camels, as the inheritance for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will stated that THE ELDEST SON SHOULD GET HALF of 17 camels while THE MIDDLE SON SHOULD BE GIVEN 1/3RD (ONE-THIRD) & THE YOUNGEST SON SHOULD BE GIVEN 1/9TH (ONENINTH) of the 17 camels. As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to quarrel with each other. So, the three sons decided to go to a wise woman. The wise woman listened patiently about the Will. The wise young woman, after giving some thought, brought one camel of her own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels. Now, she started reading the deceased father’s will. Half of 18 = 9. So she gave the eldest son 9 camels 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So she gave the middle son 6 camels 1/9th of 18 = 2. So she gave the youngest son 2 camels. Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17, and this left one camel, which the wise woman took away.
OLD ICE HOUSE LUNCH BUFFET 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM TUESDAY - FRIDAY AND SUNDAY PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE
www.theoldicehouserestaurant.com TAKE-OUTS & CATERING
“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.” Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: info@odedc.com 3269 Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Auto Repair Facility AND WE DO VEHICLE LETTERING
171 North Union Ave. Ozark, Alabama
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers - six if one went to Harvard…. Edgar Fiedler
April 1st April Fools’ Day April 5th Ozark Crawdad and Music Festival On the square downtown Ozark April 5th 6th Piney Woods Art Festival Enterprise Enterprise Community College April 5th 6th Dothan Gem & Mineral Show Houston Co. Farm Center Registration begins @9:00 am. Judging begins @ 11:30 am. Awards @ 2:30 pm. $25 – 1�� vehicle, $10 each additional First 10 cars and first 10 bikes get a free t-shirt. Automobile Categories: Best in the USA, Best Classic (over40 YOA), Best Muscle/Custom Motorcycle Categories: Best Classic (1983 & older), Best Sports Bike, Best Bagger/Touring Awards in Each Category: Judges Choice, Best in Show and People’s Choice For More info or questions on the categories contact us at 334-774-2644 or opd@ozarkalabama.us Facebook opd rfl-fundraiser.
SUDOKU by Myles Mellor and Susan Flanagan
April 12th Steak sandwich Fundraiser For Roger Emrick-double amputee Super Sav in Ozark 10am-1pm 334-774-5610 Ridgecrest Baptist Church singles group April 12th Relay For Life Over 50 Men & Women
Each Sudoku puzzle consists of a 9X9 grid that has been subdivided into nine smaller Fashion PM Ozark Country Club grids of 3X3 squares. To solve the puzzle each row, column and box Show must2-5 contain each Food, and Fun &difficult. Entertainment Tickets $12.00 of the numbers 1 to 9. Puzzles come in three grades: easy, medium
Sudoku
April 12th Our Town Art Exhibit Opens Rudd Art Center Ozark
Level: Medium
April 13th Palm Sunday Thomas Jefferson Birthday
Medium 8
9 7
4
8 6
2
1 8
9
4
April 18th Good Friday “The Way of the Cross” 12:30 pm Holy Hill Camilla Ave. Ozark Everyone Invited
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5 9
5
1 9
5
1
7
8 7 3 1
2
8
7
1
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April 15th Passover
April 20th Easter AL-ANON Every Monday at 12:00 PM Prince of Peace Lutheran Church 2454 Andrews Ave, Ozark,Al. 618-513-1245 SEND US YOUR SPECIAL EVENT! To list your event, E-mail Event Name, Date, & Place to roger@laughsandlifts.com Limited to space available. Not every event will qualify for our publication.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do….Will Rogers
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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A dyslexic atheist with insomnia lays awake wondering if there really IS a Dog.
ASK DR. GAUNT “Your Hometown Dentist” Did you know? That a dry mouth can lead to teeth that are highly prone to cavities? I have seen this at all ages, where a patient's(or dentist's) best efforts are undermined by simply having a dry mouth, or xerostomia. This condition commonly occurs as a result of taking certain medicines. It can also be caused by mouth breathing when a person has chronic sinus congestion, or a condition that prevents them from being able to breath through their nose. The saliva helps to prevent the formation of cavities, and when that moisture is not provided for long periods of time, formerly healthy teeth, or even the best dental restorations can be damaged. Did you ALSO know? That the phrase "long in the tooth" originated long ago to help determine the age of a horse. An early example is from an 1889 Huron, Michigan paper regarding a horse trader who doubted the age of a sale horse that read: " Open his mouth, 7 years you say he is? He's a little long in the tooth, more like 10-12 years I say" Until next month, Health and Happiness! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com
CAPS We have hidden these caps in 6 ads in this month’s edition of Laughs&Lifts.
CONGRATULATIONS
Emilie Sanford of Enterprise
She and her Mother from Woodinville, Washington Found The Crawfish in the Following Ads: Just Folk Coffeehouse, Chef Shena, Collins South Union Garage Ice House Restaurant, Dothan Tire & Waffle King She Won Prizes Totaling Over $100
1. Free Lunch for 1 person Tues-Thurs from The Old Icehouse Restaurant in Ozark 2. Free Lunch for 1 person Mon-Thurs from Colby’s Buffet in Ozark. 3. 1 Year Subscription to Laughs&Lifts plus a Laughs&Lifts T-shirt from Parrish Publishing. 4. 1 Standard Oil Change & Lube from Auto Xchange in Ozark.
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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FIND THE
TO WIN A PRIZE PACKAGE FROM AREA BUSINESS’. Find the 6 ads with the hidden
Caps & Follow these instructions: Mail the names of the 6 business’ in which you found the Caps along with your name, address and phone # To: Parrish Publishing PO Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR: Email to LaughsandLifts@live.com with subject line:
NO PHONE CALLS Drawing held on the 20th of the month
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld
What’s the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
Ask Dave Dear Dave, I recently got a new job that will increase my income by $20,000 a year. I’ve got $65,000 in debt, and I’m trying to pay it off, so I know I need to adjust my budget. Do you have any suggestions for a situation like this? Mitchell Dear Mitchell, Congratulations on your increased income! The first thing I’d tell you is not to get used to any permanent luxuries while you’re paying off debt. Go out and celebrate with a really nice dinner or something like that after you get your first paycheck. But don’t go
Laughs Laughs& &Lifts Subscription Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361
nuts or pick up any big, new stuff. The more you put toward debt, the faster it goes away. I’ve been doing this financial thing for a lot of years, and the one thing I’ve found that gets people out of debt is passion. I want you to be so passionate about getting out of debt that you don’t even consider doing anything else until it’s all gone. Your thought process needs to be, “Wow, I got a new job making more money. I can get out of debt even quicker!” Again, I’m okay with you adjusting a bit that first month and having a little fun to celebrate your good fortune. But after that, I want you to turn around and attack the debt with even more intensity than before. Way to go, Mitchell! —Dave * Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 6 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations. Follow Dave on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.
Family Magazine is the most unique magazine around… providing laughter in clean jokes & cartoons, & encouragement through uplifting articles based firmly in God’s Word, plus Crosswords, Sudoku, Recipes, Puzzles & More A one of a kind advertising venue for your business! Call Roger Parrish for Advertising
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick…. George Burns
334-379-7603 APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Did you hear about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room? He was cordless.
AIR CONDITIONING
B U
RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL….WE GET IT DONE!
S I N
ANTIQUES
E
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
Ozark Tire & service 774-1416
● New & Used Tires ● Oil Changes 453 South Union Ave. ● Road Side Service Ozark, AL AUTO-/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
S S APARTMENTS FOR RENT
We Have Moved to our 33 Brackin Mill Rd. Ozark, AL
D Furnished & Unfurnished
I R
305 Newton Avenue Ozark, AL 36360
E
APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES
Appliance Sales • Parts • Service 334-379-3135 697-B North Union Ave. • Ozark, AL. 32 Years Exp
T
Buy ~ Sell ~ Trade APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Jennifer Mcleod has FINANCING FOR EVERYONE § Everyone Approved § No Credit § Bad Credit
2618 US Highway 231 N. Ozark, AL
(334)774-0420
O
1001 GENUINE ISSUE (GI) US MILITARY ITEMS WE SELL FOR LESS Please Check Us Out.
Hwy 231 S. 9 Miles South of Ross Clark Circle at Mile Post 4
WE BUY CARS 445-1460
C
DOTHAN ARMY - NAVY STORE R 334-435-0796
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
abcapplianceozark.com
ARMY-NAVY STORE
We are no longer affiliated with South Union Garage
Y
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $100 Reg. Rate $35/Month
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone… Ronald Reagan
Men are like a pack of Cards: A "heart" to love them, A "diamond" to marry them, A "club" to smack them and A "spade" to bury the body...
BUSINESS CARDS 1000 BUSINESS FREE SHIPPING CARDS Anywhere In USA $49 Roger Parrish • 334•379•7603 rogerparrish@live.com
FLOORING
B U S
CAMPGROUNDS
FLOORING Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet TILE SHOWER SPECIALIST
I N Fishing Charters, Cabins & Camping
LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY
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M-F 6-5 Sat 6-12
S
774-8012
334-445-2866 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360
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CLEANERS AND LAUNDRY
618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
GOLF COURSE 334-774-8327
• 646 US Hwy 231 North • Ozark
815 Country Club Dr. Ozark, AL.
774-3333
DAYCARE CENTERS
HAIR SALON
Child Development Center 6 wks to 13 yrs 5013 Andrews Ave 774-2661 TOP DOLLAR PAID
DAYCARE CENTERS
Noah’s Ark
Daycare & Learning Center
774-4447
1962 Skipperville Road Ozark, AL ELECTRICIANS
Tyre Electrical & Plumbing “Specializing in Services Calls of All Types” 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded
D Promoting Healthy Hair
I R
Call for your appointment Today!
334-618-8341
E HANDYMAN
C
FLOORING
Hardwood • Ceramic • Carpet • Laminate Affordable Pricing & Professional Installation 334-774-8327 646 US Hwy 231 N. Ozark
CHRIS AND EDDIE ADKINS
No Job Too Small Licensed and Insured
334-774-2448 334-379-4831
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RVICE E S N A M Y D N A H A A
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INSURANCE Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman
334.774.5194
Snell’s Flooring
LLC
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Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
&
zark, AL Street ~ O 673 James
Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360
334-774-7177 APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them…Ronald Reagan
Find The Differences Answers
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1. N in Santa is backward 2. Arrows point in different direction 3. White Bricks on left of building is different 4. Window panes are different 5. Cup on building sign is different color 6. Light on side building is missing 7. Lights on post are different sizes 8. Awnings are different colors 9. Front Wheel on car is different
SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE
DERRELL’S
SEWING & VACUUM CENTER
PARTS FOR ALL BRANDS OF SEWING MACHINES & VACUUM CLEANERS
S
2507 MONTGOMERY HWY. AZALEA PLAZA DOTHAN, AL
334-794-0824
SWIMMING POOLS
I N
LAWNMOWER REPAIR
Let Sunshine Make Your Pool Sparkle! Chris Barranco 334-618-6310 or 334-618-5006
E
D&D
THRIFT STORES
S
231 LAWN MOWER REPAIR & PARTS 334-774-1226
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Durwood & Diane Smith 4322 Hwy. 231 South Ozark, AL Just Past Mile Marker 40 Across Hwy. 231 from Grace Baptist Church
PROPANE OZARK
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Now Accepting all donations except furniture. Thanks for shopping with us. We really do appreciate your business.
D I
20 lb. Propane Cylinder Refill
TREE SERVICE
CALL
Buy 5 - Get 1 FREE
R
No other discounts apply - No partial fills
OZARK/FORT RUCKER KOA RV CAMPING • RV SUPPLIES • PROPANE FT RUCKER 2414 N. US Hwy 231 3.3 Miles N of McDonalds @ MM47
E
334-774-3219
Do you need that tree cut or trimmed in your yard?
TREE SERVICES, FREE Estimates / Bonded & Insured
Shane Crooks
334-774-0794
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THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $200 Reg. Rate $60/Month APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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C T
McClellands
O R
Banks, AL.
MikesZooCritters.com
Y 334-243-4039 Wed-Sun M & T by Appt.
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do….Henry Ford
Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one….Ben Franklin
SUBMIT YOUR FUNNIEST JOKE OR STORY, UPLIFTING ARTICLE OR ANY ORIGINAL POEM TO BE CONSIDERED FOR PUBLICATION IN LAUGHS&LIFTS BY EMAIL ONLY TO: EDITOR@ LAUGHSANDLIFTS.COM WE WILL READ AND CONSIDER ALL SUBMISSIONS, HOWEVER, NO GUARANTEE IS IMPLIED THAT YOUR SUBMISSION WILL BE PUBLISHED. IF YOUR ORIGINAL WRITING IS PUBLISHED, YOU WILL BE GIVEN FULL CREDITS FOR THE WRITING.
Across 1. Numbers pro, briefly 4. Like some doors 8. National Zoo creatures 14. Dada painter Jean 15. The Olympic rings, e.g. 16. Kiss a lot 17. Toddler's ritual 18. "___-Team" (Mr. T's old squad) 19. Pizza slice portion, often 20. Ear adornments 23. Last word of Gilligan's theme song 24. Bambinos 25. A drop in the ocean? 28. Triangular 32. Outstanding 34. Harmless cartridge 36. Bird in a crazy simile 37. Green around the lobes 43. In --- of (replacing) 44. Frightfully strange 45. Forget 48. Pigeon coop 53. Grafton's '-- for Lawless' 54. Shock 56. Saying with a mystical meaning 57. Oahu ocean gems 61. Hideout 64. Person of action 65. Beyond tipsy 66. Dreamboat of myth 67. Vase-shaped jug 68. Hurricane heading: Abbr. 69. Left behind unintentionally 70. Criticizes, slangily 71. Lilliputian Down 1. Unposed photo 2. High acclaim 3. Shock 4. Deep-voiced songstress 5. Poet Keats
The wise does at once what the fool does at last.
6. Ancient 7. Cook the standing ribs 8. False; sham 9. Ringed by 10. Nutmeg-flavored drinks 11. Simpson's interjection 12. Be in a cast? 13. Admonition to a cell phone user in a theater 21. Held a conference 22. Stein relative 25. Jet-black, poetically 26. Keep a web journal 27. Uncle ___ (rice brand) 29. Legal eagle org. 30. Obama's state: Abbr. 31. Concerto's extended solo passage 33. Will Smith title role 35. Born, in Marseilles 37. End of the year, for some 38. Attire that's not for the modest 39. Ribbon-like fish 40. Street, to Magritte 41. 2014 World Cup final site 42. Amp (up) 46. Samuel Barber movement "for Strings" 47. Least trained 49. Time worth remembering 50. Shore bird 51. One way to shop 52. Guinea pig 55. Down-yielding duck 57. Like some paintings and juries 58. Corn-growing state 59. Nestling's sound 60. Fails, in a way 61. British bomber grp. 62. Tokyo, once 63. The "F" in FYI
APRIL 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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KATE TAYLOR REALTY
See These Homes and all our listing at www.TaylorRealtyOnline.com
106 South Main Street • Brundidge, Alabama 334-735-9500 • 1-800-735-3395
The 5 acre lot is wooded with some clearing that could be a good location for a home. Or you might want to get a little closer to the ponds. The lot has some restrictions but they will help hold the value of the property. A copy of these are located at the office of Taylor Realty and may be read by anyone interested in the property. The price of the property is only $34,000. for the 5 acres. CALL Kate Today!.
47 Shaw Street Clio, AL has a mirrored foyer. 3 bedroom/2 bath home, formal living room, formal dining room. Kitchen with breakfast area/ office. Den, Mudroom/Laundry room and a second utility room just off of the patio. The home also has a second patio just outside of the den area. The property has a 10x12 utility bldg. on a slab, a wired & Metered 25x25 shop, 12 pecan trees, & multiple fruit trees. 4+/- Acres. Priced at $95,000
Call Kate Today!
Call Us With Competitors Price! Live Instructor Exercise Classes 5:30 Tuesday & Thursday
Ozark’s only locally owned Center Fitness
345 Merrick Ave. Downtown Ozark APRIL 2014 Sign-Up Hours Mon - Thur 9-7 & Fri 9-5 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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