Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
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Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.
Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Laughs&Lifts is published on or near the first of every month and is distributed throughout the Wiregrass area of Alabama and mailed to subscribers anywhere in the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Laughs&Lifts to P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographic errors or omissions.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Family Magazine is the most unique magazine around… providing laughter in clean jokes & cartoons, & encouragement through uplifting articles based firmly in God’s Word, plus Crosswords, Sudoku, Recipes, Puzzles & More A one of a kind advertising venue for your business! Call Roger Parrish for Advertising
334-379-7603
HOW COLD IS IT? It is so cold outside I just saw a teenage boy with his pants pulled all the way up! The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
Gossip and anger are like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
Harbin Jewelers MILITARY ITEMS AND COLLECTABLE GUNS
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. W. M. Lewis
Money Problems After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Never let someone become your priority while allowing yourself to be his or her option.
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We Have Hidden 5 HEARTS Throughout Ads In This Months Edition Of Laughs&Lifts
Lost In Translation Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable." The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable". To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable." FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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To Win Gift Certificates worth $100 FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: Mail the name of the 5 business’ in which You found the Hearts, along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, TO: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR E-mail same to:LaughsandLifts@live.com Subject Line: HEART NO PHONE CALLS Drawing Held On the 20th of the Month
Each day is a loan, spend it wisely.
F
Crosby 334-774-9396 Bring in the New Year with Crosby Vision, Where “Our Focus is On You!”
Dr. Jennifer Detloff, Optometrist Comprehensive Eye Exams, Laser Surgery Evaluations, Diagnosis of Eye Disease, Retail Optical Center Glasses, Sunglasses, Contacts Most Insurances accepted
A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill This is my wish for you: peace and prosperity through the year, happiness that multiplies, health for you and yours, fun around every corner, energy to chase your dreams, and joy to fill your days.
In school you’re taught a lesson & then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Call Us With Competitors Price! Live Instructor Exercise Classes 5:30 Tuesday & Thursday
345 Merrick Ave. Downtown Ozark Sign-Up Hours Mon - Thur 9-7 & Fri 9-5
Ozark’s only locally owned Fitness Center
Laughs&Lifts Laughs& Subscription Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361
Delicious Demand Chef Shena Williams
More and more people from all walks of life enjoy the services of personal chefs. It's not only for the rich. If you appreciate great food, enjoy personalized service, and want more time in your busy schedule, personal chef service is exactly what you deserve. Chef Shena Williams has your answer to great tasting, restaurant quality, affordable meals enjoyed in the comfort of your own home without the daily grind of shopping and cooking. Visit deliciousdemand.net for Booking & Details
FEBRUARY 2014 I'm not 50 yrs old. I'm 18 with 32 yrs of experience. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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You might be a redneck if you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Jeff Foxworthy
FREENo Obligation Tax Return Prep Estimates CALL NOW 334-585-5757
ABBEVILLE, AL IN ABBY PLAZA BESIDE FAMILY DOLLAR
Kim, Manager Stephanie, Asst.
I
ran across this story about a retired military person who was reminiscing about an inspection he conducted. When he approached an E-2 (private), freshly arriving from basic training in the States, he stopped face-to-face in front of this young man whose pulse could be seen throbbing in his throat. The first thing that caught this officer’s eye was an unbuttoned pocket on the shirt of the young enlisted man’s fatigue uniform. The officer barked out in his best command voice, “Button that pocket, soldier!” The young soldier turned three shades of red, looked to the left and right, and then sheepishly asked, “Right now, sir?” The officer answered: “Of course, right now. When did you think I meant for you to do it?” The young soldier then did something that is virtually considered close to treason in the armed forces. He handed the officer his weapon, and with both hands trembling he reached out and buttoned the flap on the officer’s shirt pocket. Why is it easier to see the speck in a brother’s eye than to see the plank in our own eye? - adapted from Neil Richey` “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3–5). All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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“Strive to be first: first to nod, first to smile, first to compliment, and first to forgive.”
Mother In Law Letter
ATTENTION ALL INDIVIDUALS THAT WORK IN THE MEDICAL FIELD!!! INCLUDING STAFF!! ANYTIME FITNESS OF OZARK, AL WANTS TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COMMUNITY! DURING THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY 2014, SIGN UP FOR ONLY $25!! THIS PAYS FOR YOUR 24HR ACCESS KEY AND 1�� MONTH’S MEMBERSHIP!! YOU WILL ENJOY THE GYM FACILITIES, TANNING, & ZUMBA CLASSES!! *12 MONTH CONTRACT REQUIRED AT THE TIME OF SIGNUP WITH $25 A MONTH DRAFTED FOR REMAINDER OF THE CONTRACT PERIOD.
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Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
Your 2014 marketing plan needs to include the magazine you are reading right now.. Their popularity is undeniable. Give Laughs&Lifts a call today. 334-379-7603 FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.”
HE BLEW OUT THE LAMP A man was traveling on foot through the desert. In a sandstorm, he became disoriented and lost his way. Determined to succeed on his journey, he pitched his tent and went in to wait out the storm. He lit his lamp, shook the sand out of his clothes, and searched his supplies for food. He quickly found a box of dates. The first one was bad—full of worms; he threw it to the ground. The second was the same; he tossed this one to the ground with the other. He pulled out a third and then a fourth, but each date was bad. Finally, he picked up the dates he had tossed onto the ground, blew out the lamp, and ate the dates! This is a very vivid picture of one who knows what is sin; can readily recognize sin; fully understands the consequences of sin, and yet turns a blind eye to sin and runs headlong into the sinful act! Dear friends, when we are confronted with the temptation to sin, we must beware that we do not “blow out the lamp” simply so we do not see the disgusting and sickening act! Whether we choose to see it or not, when we choose to eat the fruit of worldliness, we are swallowing destruction. —Ronnie Scherffuis “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put 0darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20).
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PASSED NOTE A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.” Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: “Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.” “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth.” Proverbs 5:18
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FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling.
482 S. Union Ave. OZARK 774-9345 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. ENTERPRISE 393-0503 270 Ross Clark Cir. DOTHAN 794-8521 2606 Ross Clark Cir, DOTHAN 792-1195 177 Hwy. 231 N. TROY 566-3413
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As pet owners ourselves, we have been faced with the devastating decision about what to do with our pet’s remains as well as learning to cope with the loss. We discussed with our vet the different options and found that having our pet cremated was what we wanted to have done. Having been through this experience and with our knowledge of operating a crematory led us to purchasing our own pet crematory and providing a service that any pet owner could appreciate. Our separate pet crematory will allow us to offer cremation services exclusive to your pet. Owners: Whether you have an immediate need for our services or you are Terry G. & Terri Lynn Sorrells planning for a decision you will have to make for your pet in the future, 4550 Boll Weevil Circle, we understand how saying good-bye to your pet can be very difficult. Suite 2 East Enterprise Pet Crematory is committed to helping you through this sad Enterprise, Alabama 36330 time in your life.
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“BECAUSE YOUR PET LOVED YOU”
FEBRUARY 2014 Always imitate the behavior of the winners when you lose. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis. GOING UP A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy’s hand and said, “Daddy, does God know we’re coming?”
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Morning Prayer Dear Lord, So far I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, Haven’t lost my temper, Haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. And from then on, I'm going to need a lot more help.
doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor in amazement jumps up and says: "Good grief, how on earth did you get that great ugly thing!" The frog looks down and replies: "I dunno Doc, it started out as a little wart on my bottom!"
“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.” Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: info@odedc.com 3269 Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Cooking Tip: The simplest way to slice a bunch of cherry tomatoes is to sandwich them between two plastic lids and run a long knife through all of them at once!
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Green Beans
Tarragon-Almond Green Beans
Green Beans Deluxe
Ingredients 1-1/2 pounds fresh green beans, trimmed 1/3 cup sliced green onions 1 garlic clove, minced 2 teaspoons olive oil 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar 4 teaspoons sugar 1-1/2 teaspoons minced fresh tarragon ½ teaspoon dried tarragon ● 1/8 teaspoon salt ● 1/4 cup sliced almonds, toasted ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
Directions · Place beans in a large saucepan and cover with water. Bring to a boil. Cook, uncovered, for 8-10 minutes or until crisp-tender; drain. Meanwhile, in a nonstick skillet, saute onions and garlic in oil until onions are tender. Add the vinegar, sugar, tarragon and salt. Bring to a boil; cook until liquid is reduced by half. Drain beans; add to onion mixture. Cook and stir until heated through. Sprinkle with almonds. Yield: 6 servings.
·
Ingredients ● 1 package (16 ) Ounces frozen French-style green beans ● 1 small onion, chopped ● 2 tablespoons butter ● 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour ● 3/4 cup Sour Cream ● 1/2 teaspoon salt ● 1/4 teaspoon pepper ● Pinch ground nutmeg ● 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese Directions · Prepare green beans according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, saute onion in butter until tender. Reduce heat; stir in flour until blended. Add the sour cream, salt, pepper and nutmeg; heat through (do not boil). · Drain the beans; stir into sour cream mixture. Transfer to a greased 1-qt. baking dish. Bake, uncovered, at 350° for 15-20 minutes or until heated through. Sprinkle with cheese; bake 5 minutes longer or until cheese is melted. Yield: 4-6 servings.
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CALLING ALL HUNTERS!!!!!! THERE IS SOME BIG GAME HERE. THIS PROPERTY HAS TWO SPRINGS. 12 ACRES ARE PLANTED IN HAY UNDER THE NRCS PROGRAM. LOTS OF TIMBER BEAUTIFUL OPEN PASTURE LAND. THERE IS A 1994 MANUFACTORED HOME 16X80 THAT GOES WITH THE PROPERTY 3/2 SOLD AS IS 1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Cooking Tip: Add half a teaspoon of baking soda to the water when hard-boiling eggs to make the shells incredibly easy to peel off.
Green Beans
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Blue Cheese-Walnut Green Beans
Lemon-Dill Green Beans
Ingredients ● 1 pound green beans, trimmed ● 1/4 cup water ● 2 teaspoon extravirgin olive oil ● 1/4 teaspoon salt ● 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper ● 1/3 cup crumbled blue cheese ● 1/3 cup toasted chopped walnuts Directions Bring green beans and water to a boil in a large skillet. Reduce heat to a simmer, cover, and cook until the beans are just tender, 3 minutes. Uncover and continue cooking, stirring occasionally, until the water has evaporated, 3 to 4 minutes more. Add oil, salt, and pepper to the pan and cook, stirring, 1 minute more. Transfer the beans to a large bowl and toss with blue cheese until well coated. Sprinkle each serving with walnuts. Serves 4
Ingredients ● 1 pound green beans, trimmed ● 4 teaspoons chopped fresh dill ● 1 tablespoon minced shallot ● 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil ● 1 tablespoon lemon juice ● 1 teaspoon whole-grain mustard ● 1/4 teaspoon salt ● 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper Preparation Bring an inch of water to a boil in a large saucepan fitted with a steamer basket. Add green beans, cover and cook until tender-crisp, 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from the heat. Meanwhile, whisk dill, shallot, oil, lemon juice, mustard, salt and pepper in a large bowl. Add the green beans and toss to coat. Let stand about 10 minutes before serving to blend flavors. Serves 4
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Why aren’t un ripened oranges called greens?
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
FOREIGN PIZZA
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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered…, pepper only Adventurous eaters sleep longer! Folks who vary their menus clock more hours of sleep than less adventurous eater. A wide ranging diet helps ensure you get a variety of nutrients linked to longer sleep!
OLD ICE HOUSE LUNCH BUFFET 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM TUESDAY - FRIDAY AND SUNDAY PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE
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If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say. "Purrfection cannot be improved" "If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat" "Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years." "Take my advice. I'm not using it." "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?" "Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know." "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."
Difficulties increase the nearer we get to the goal.
Why it it that most irons have a setting for permanent press garments?
Why Law School Costs So Much One day in contract law class, Professor Jetson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "I'd say 'Hey: want an orange?'" The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" he instructed."Oh," the student said. "In that case, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you, all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away with or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding." "You're making good progress," the professor said.
11 am - 9 pm 7 days a week
158 E. Broad St. Ozark Ph. 443-0222 113 E College St. Enterprise Ph. 348-2202
1665 Hwy 231 S. Troy Ph. 770-1094
Call For Entries 2014 Black & White Show Artists 18 & older are invited to enter up to 3 black & white works, in any combination of painting, printmaking, sculpture, or photography. Work is due Feb. 10 & 11, 2014, 1:00-6:30 pm, @ Rudd Art Center, downtown, Ozark, AL., Opening reception is Feb. 15, 2014 and show runs through March 29. Visit our website @ www.ruddartcenter.org to download a prospectus & for more information on fees & awards, also visit our Facebook page: Dowling Museum/Ann Rudd Art Center.
Shopping around for car insurance? Auto-Owners Insurance offers broad, flexible protection for your car and you! Choose from a variety of programs designed to fit your needs. We also have many discounts available such as multi-policy, multi-car and good student discount.
Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Al. 36360
Sammy Judah
"Speak without offending, listen without defending"
334-774-7177 Donna Shuman
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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COMMUNITY PEOPLE QUALITY HEALTHCARE
Dale Medical Center
Health Focus
It's Flu Season... It's not too late to take the flu vaccine. Unfortunately, it is flu season once again. The flu can be a serious disease and can affect people of all ages. The flu is spread to the nose or throat by contact with others who are infected. This can occur by simply handling items that were already handled by someone who is infected. Symptoms of the flu include headache, sore throat, fever, cough, chills, and muscle aches. The flu vaccination can prevent the flu from occurring and should be taken every year. Protection from the vaccination occurs in approximately two week after taking the shot and may last up to a year. People who are at high risk for developing serious complication from the flu should receive the flu shot every year include those who: ● age 65 years of age or older. ● have heart, lung or kidney disease. ● have diabetes, asthma, and blood disorders (such as anemia) FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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● have immune system disorders, cancer, and those on steroid treatments. ● are 6 months to 18 years of age on long term aspirin therapy. ● are women who will be past the third month of pregnancy during the flu season. ● and healthcare employees and others who come in close contact with those at risk. Normally, the best time to get the flu vaccine is between September and December. However, it is not too late to be vaccinated for this flu season. Call your physician if you are unsure if you should receive a flu shot or if you have questions about it.
The Doctor is in… …your pocket Beginning February 4, patients looking for a local physician can call
334-443-1DOC and a scheduling specialist will be able to assist. The new service will be available Monday through Friday from 8am to 5pm. Specialties in which we can assist include Family Practice, Internal Medicine, Rheumatology, and General Surgery.
126 HOSPITAL AVE • OZARK, AL 36360 334-774-2601 Visit Our Website At www.DaleMedical.org For the latest news & Health information
Serving Our Community One Surgery At A Time Today's advancing medical technology has in-
creased the comfort, convenience, and safety of people around the world, and the field of surgery has seen particular benefits from the increase in knowledge. At Dale Medical Center, efforts to provide our patients the best, most up-to-date surgical techniques, so that patients can have many surgical procedures here at home. Traditional "open" techniques for many routine procedures - such as gallbladders, knee, or tonsil surgery - once required large incisions accompanied by long recoveries and pain. But newer, less invasive methods that utilize a few tiny incisions; long thin scopes, and even cameras result in less pain, faster recovery and shorter hospital stays for patients. In fact, many of these procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis, putting patients back to their normal routines in no time.
who have been specially trained in the needs of outpatients. Each are committed to providing nothing less than the best care. "Hundreds of patients have experienced the advantages of Dale Medical Center's Surgery Center," says Rochelle Fordham, RN, OR Director. "With high-quality care right around the corner, there is no reason for patients to seek healthcare outside our community.". Surgeons and Specialties available at Dale Medical Center include:
Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. There are numerous procedures in a wide range Dr. of specialties performed at Dale Medical Center. Dr. They include ear, nose, throat, general surgery, Dr. gynecology, orthopedics, GI specialty, and podi- Dr. atry. "Patients that utilize our services at Dale Dr. Medical Center are pleased as is supported by Dr. our high patient satisfaction scores. Patients Dr. also find great comfort in the fact that Dale Medical Center has among the lowest infection rates in the state. We have an outstanding surgery staff," said Vernon Johnson, CEO.
Radu Constantine, General Surgery Andy Duerr, Cosmetic and General Surgery William D. McLaughlin, Gastroenterology David Clark, Orthopedics Tiffany General, GYN Kerry Griffin, GYN Tia Guster, GYN Teki Hegwood, GYN Bradley Heim, GYN James Pollard, GYN Sarah Raines, GYN LaToya Walton-Torrence,GYN Asha Voss, GYN Robert Lisenby, Podiatry Sanjeev Singh, Podiatry Stefan Zweig, Podiatry
Both the medical and nursing staff at the surgery center are highly qualified medical professionals FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
17
Laughs& Laughs &Lifts
LaughsandLifts.com
334-379-7603
September 2012
17 17
Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.
FREE In Home Estimates by Dan Barefield
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INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery Susan Langley, Owner
www.IngramMemorial.com 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL
334-792-0044 1-800-598-0045
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
Widow goes on a blind date.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" All My life I thought air was Free… until I bought a bag of chips.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this…ever.
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Add a waffle for a $1.00
Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.
Choose 2 Eggs, Bacon, or Sausage Grits, Toast, Jelly or 2 Double Cheeseburgers with choice of potato.
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4
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Large load delivered to Ozark area.. .. .. ..$100 You Pick up.. .. .. ..$ 80 ½ load delivered to Ozark .. .. .. .. $ 60 You Pick up.. .. .. ..$ 50 Call Mike, Daytime (334)774-4157 or (334)774-1727 If No Answer Please Leave message
FIND 5 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS Answers on page 30
FEBRUARY 2014
Of course I talk to myself…I need expert advice. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
19
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
OPEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SERVING SHRIMP & CATFISH BUFFET $11.50 Includes Tea
NEW EXPANDED LUNCH BUFFET AND SALAD BAR Open 7 days a week for lunch!
My life long bachelor uncle recently turned 80. He traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so old girlfriends. When he returned, I asked “How did it go?” He replied “I am sure glad I didn’t marry any of them. They are all widows.”
How many of you remember that feeling for a millisecond when you lost your breath after leaning your chair back to far?
Out with the old, overpriced auto policy – in ® with State Farm. Start YOUR year off right, with some newfound car insurance ® savings from State Farm . What could make the new year happier than that? GET TO A BETTER STATE™ CALL AN AGENT OR VISIT US ONLINE TODAY!
Jenna Mack, Agent Ozark, AL 36360 334-774-2020
Now Accepting all donations except furniture. Thanks for shopping with us. We really do appreciate your business.
jenna@jenna4auto.com 1103167.1
State Farm, Mutual Automobile Insurance Company, State Farm Indemnity Company, Bloomington, IL
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb! FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
20
Well another day has passed and I haven’t used Algebra once.
The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. Lewis Grizzard
Sedation Dentistry Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dental treatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. Sedation Dentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensive amount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal for patients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offers anxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxed state. though fully responsive. It means something even more important, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt or remembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, you are well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.
Dothan Cosmetic Dentistry Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry 2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL 334-673-7440 DothanCosmeticDentistry.com
DOTHAN NEW LOCATION
SALE
NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES
334-699-4122
1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
Tim Stafford, Owner
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR Mother Teresa
21
If my memory was any worse, I believe I could plan my own surprise party!
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." The vendor has heard this one before, and without a word he simply makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."
McClellands Banks, AL. MikesZooCritters.com 334-243-4039 Wed-Sun M & T by Appt. FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
22
Shame occurs when you haven't been able to get away with the 'who' you want people to think you are. A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider are better than 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better than 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better than 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send any more men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
With Great Power Comes Great Electricity Bills
The man who claims to be the boss in his own home will lie about other things as well. emergency fund. How about a squirrel fund? Squirrels need to have nuts saved up for winter, and in your case you’d be setting money aside during the summer to get you through the slow winter months. Dear Dave, You may think I’m playing My husband works construction, games with the name, but really so we barely scrape by during I’m not. This sort of saving isn’t the winter months. Should we for emergencies. It’s a budget build an emergency fund for the issue, because you’re planning slow times? and setting aside cash leading Cathy up to the down time you know Dear Cathy, is coming. Keep your I think that’s a great idea. emergency fund of three to six Although, I’d probably call it months of expenses separate something other than an
Ask Dave
from this, and take a careful look at what he made this winter and how much that left you short each month. Remember, we’re not talking about some random amount of money here. It’s an exact amount that you can budget for accordingly. Teachers can do the same thing if they’re not paid 12 months a year. It’s a simple matter of planning ahead for the down time, and setting aside enough during the other nine months to see you through! —Dave * Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 6 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations. Follow Dave on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.
CROSSWORD LEVEL MEDIUM
I started a new daily workout routine. Every day I do diddly squats! CONGRATULATIONS TO: Misti Peeples of Ozark
Across
Down
1. Doom partner 6. Grill residue 9. Mickelson, to friends 14. Zodiac sign 15. Anonymous Wade opponent 16. Hawk's haven 17. Passes over 18. Backwash producer 19. Renders blind, in falcon training 20. Tennis great 23. Metered praise 24. Showy events 25. Trawlers' nets 27. Hit with a paddle 30. Gp. with crude interests 31. July 4th reaction 32. Far from flexible 35. One of Adam's boys 39. Tennis great 43. Giant fair 44. Lofty home 45. Couple's adjective 46. Again, in different form 49. Argue over a price 51. Central German city 54. Prepare eggs in a way 56. Famous Japanese-American 57. Tennis great 62. Away from center 64. Atty. group 65. Lose successfully 66. Sister of Clio 67. Playground user 68. Become fixed 69. Visited again 70. Biblical ending for speak 71. Mattress supports
1. Amorphous food 2. Gimlet flavoring 3. Brief notice of departure 4. Sandinista Daniel 5. Blowout on the court 6. Distinctive quality 7. Daytime dramas 8. Munich man 9. Temporary occupant 10. Center of a hurricane 11. Common refrigerant 12. Squiggly Spanish symbol 13. Positive replies 21. One needing rehab 22. Certain snake 26. U.N. agency 27. Reference work, usually 28. Elaborate lie 29. Tan 30. Fish market feature 33. What rodents do 34. Milieu for axels 36. Site to speak your piece 37. Last Hebrew month 38. Recitation accompanier 40. Follow one's feet 41. Nothing, to Caesar 42. Warmth 47. Limited 48. Young figure 50. Roadway material 51. Bearer of a dozen roses, maybe 52. Make accustomed to 53. Trivial amounts 54. Wood-soled footwear 55. Joker player Ledger 58. It may be tempted 59. Excel fodder 60. Entrance into a mine 61. Eyesight enhancer 63. When a plane is due in, briefly
SOLUTION ON PAGE 27
She Found The Tree Frogs in the Following Ads: Eyes of Ozark, Ingram Memorial, Circle Ins., Laughs&Lifts(2) and D&D Lawnmower Misti Won Prizes Totaling Over $100
1. Standard Oil Change from Dothan or Ozark Tire Service 2. Free Lunch for 1 person Tues-Thurs from The Old Icehouse Restaurant in Ozark 3. Free Lunch for 1 person Mon-Thurs from Colby’s Buffet in Ozark 4. 2 Adult & 2 Childs Admisssions to McClellan’s Zoo in Banks, Al. 5. $25 Gift Certificate from Waffle King in Ozark FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
24
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
A
nother hunting season has come and gone. I have been blessed this year with a nice eight point that provided meat for my family. I hunted this out of this stand where I killed this deer several mornings in a row and had no luck. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas. I was going to have knee surgery just before the holidays and I really wanted to get some meat in the freezer before my surgery and Christmas came. I decided to start hunting in the afternoon. I knew these deer had to be moving more in the late afternoon. So I decide to hunt the same stand I have been hunting. I figured if I would be patient that I would have success. There was deer sign all around in the area I was hunting. It was a cool Wednesday afternoon. The skies were clear and the wind was perfect. I got in the stand about 3:00. It was a wonderful quite afternoon. I knew that I would see something. Well as the time passed on I became more frustrated. I started losing hope as the sun was going down behind the trees. Just before the sun was setting I saw movement just on the edge of the food plot in the wood line. There was enough light I could see him as he walked out on to the food plot. I could tell he was a good size bodied deer. It wasn’t the biggest buck I have seen but he was a shooter. I put the cross hairs just behind the shoulder and pulled the trigger. His back legs kicked up in the air and he ran off in the bush. It was just over a hundred yard shot. The buck ran about another fifty yards and died. God blessed me with a good harvest that day and I was thankful. Are you waiting on God for something? Do you feel like that you have done all the correct things and it just doesn’t seem like it’s not going to come about? Just like this hunt, I did everything correct up to the point that I saw that buck. I had to wait and be patient. I stayed on course and hunted where I knew these deer were at. Waiting on God is not easy. We all know that God’s timing is better but we live in a society that demands results and demands them now. As Christians we fine our selves impatient with God. The best thing to do is to be patient. Wait on God. He will come through. He sees things we don’t see. You have to stay on course and be patient. God will reward you for it. Whatever it is you are waiting for it will come and it will be at the most perfect time. That’s the way God works. I hope you have had a successful season. Every year brings new opportunities to get out in God’s creation. I’m T.J. with Trails to God’s Great Outdoors. Get outside and enjoy God’s great outdoors. I’ll see you on the trail.
Instead of the John, I call My bathroom the Jim….That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Is EXPANDING & is looking for Bright Individuals or Couples to start a Laughs&Lifts in these towns. Dothan, Troy, Enterprise and Andalusia. Call 334-379-7603
The kind of ancestors we have had is not as important as FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR the kind of descendants our ancestors have.
25
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
Open Book Test
By Wallace Kennedy, Jr
L
ife is an “Open Book Test” Can you remember being in school or maybe you are in school now? Most of the times the words “open book test” is like music to our ears. When there is no secrecy or concealment we breathe easy knowing that the answers are exposed we just have to read and look for them. However an open book test is not necessarily an easy test. Open book test teaches us how to find needed to know information, energizes our brain and require us to focus and look intensively for the answer. “To know the intended purpose of anything we must refer to the maker or creator of the thing”. (Operator’s Manual/Instructions)
Logan’s Cleaners & Alterations Take It Up or Let It Out! Buttons, Zippers, Hems & Mending
Quality Work at Fair Prices 774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL
Plus Tax SHIPPED FREE IN USA
God is the Creator of all things, and He gave us a Bible on how to live on earth….. (Operator’s Manual/Instructions) 2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 17 God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work. Whatever in life you are being tested on: Marriage, Finances, Love, Sickness, Employment, Promotion, Rearing your children, Friends, Sex, etc… The Bible has the answers to every circumstance, situation or challenge we may be facing. Not only that, God’s gives us a “Tutor” The Holy Spirit living on the inside of us Who can and will: guide us to the truth, teach us all things, bring to remembrance of what we have learned, comfort, and give us insight before something happens. Remember my brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit will never leave or abandon us.
SUBMIT YOUR FUNNIEST JOKE OR STORY, UPLIFTING ARTICLE OR ANY ORIGINAL POEM TO BE CONSIDERED FOR PUBLICATION IN LAUGHS&LIFTS BY EMAIL ONLY TO: EDITOR@ LAUGHSANDLIFTS.COM WE WILL READ AND CONSIDER ALL SUBMISSIONS, HOWEVER, NO GUARANTEE IS IMPLIED THAT YOUR SUBMISSION WILL BE PUBLISHED. IF YOUR ORIGINAL WRITING IS PUBLISHED, YOU WILL BE GIVEN FULL CREDITS FOR THE WRITING.
FEBRUARY 2014 I just put $10 in my gas tank and my car just giggled. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
26
Household Hint: To stop the annoying sound of a dripping tap, tie a piece of string around the faucet which is long enough to reach down to the sink. Let the water drip run down the string.
ASK DR. GAUNT
SUDOKU 1 SOLUTION
“Your Hometown Dentist” Dear Readers, This month I'd like to start a new theme of articles entitled: Did You Know? Ok, here we go....Did you know? If you have an accident that breaks a piece of the front tooth off, due to the great bonding materials dentists have now, we can usually bond the piece back to the main part of the tooth! It's already a perfect match, so it is preferred over composite bonding whenever I can do that. SO, save the missing fragment and keep it hydrated! Did you ALSO know that the mouth of the Statue of Liberty is 3 feet wide? She'd be a great patient to work on! Until next month, Health and Happiness! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com
YOU DO!
SUDOKU 2 SOLUTION
CROSSWORD SOLUTION
&
30,000 POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! Reach Them With This size ad in Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine.
Distributed in over 300 locations In Dale, Houston, Pike, Coffee Geneva, Henry, & Barbour Counties To advertise in Laughs&Lifts call Roger
334-379-7603 Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
27
A lot of us would like to move mountains, but few of us are willing to practice on small hills.
AIR CONDITIONING
B U
RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL….WE GET IT DONE!
S I N
ANTIQUES
E
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
Ozark Tire & service 774-1416
● New & Used Tires ● Oil Changes 453 South Union Ave. ● Road Side Service Ozark, AL AUTO-/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
S S APARTMENTS FOR RENT
Full Service Auto Garage • Oil Change • Tune-up • Brakes • Tires • Exhaust • Suspension • A/C • Front-End
Mill Rd. Ozark, AL NEW 33AtBrackin Corner of HWY. 123 S. D LOCATION
Furnished & Unfurnished
I R
305 Newton Avenue Ozark, AL 36360
E
Sales • Parts • Service 334-379-3135 697-B North Union Ave. • Ozark, AL. 32 Years Exp
C T
abcapplianceozark.com
ARMY-NAVY STORE
DOTHAN ARMY - NAVY STORE 1001 GENUINE ISSUE (GI) US MILITARY ITEMS WE SELL FOR LESS Please Check Us Out.
334-435-0796
Buy ~ Sell ~ Trade
Hwy 231 S. 9 Miles South of Ross Clark Circle at Mile Post 4
WE BUY CARS 445-1460 AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES
Appliance
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
O
Jennifer Mcleod has FINANCING FOR EVERYONE § Everyone Approved § No Credit § Bad Credit
2618 US Highway 231 N. Ozark, AL
(334)774-0420
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES GOT BAD CREDIT?
R Y
People say 60 is the new 40. The cop who just pulled me FEBRUARY 2014 over didn’t agree. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
28
Pay no attention to what critics say; no statue has ever been erected to honor a critic.
BUSINESS CARDS 1000 BUSINESS FREE SHIPPING CARDS Anywhere In USA $49 Roger Parrish • 334•379•7603 rogerparrish@live.com
FLOORING
B U S
CAMPGROUNDS
FLOORING Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet TILE SHOWER SPECIALIST
I N E Cabins & Camping
S S
334-445-2866 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360 FLOORING
Snell’s Flooring
Hardwood • Ceramic • Carpet • Laminate Affordable Pricing & Professional Installation 334-774-8327 646 US Hwy 231 N. Ozark
CLEANERS AND LAUNDRY
GOLF COURSE
LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY TOP DOLLAR PAID
774-8012
M-F 6-5 Sat 6-12
618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
COSMETICS/MARY KAY
334-774-8327
D
815 Country Club Dr. Ozark, AL.
I
HANDY MAN SERVICES
Daycare & Learning Center
774-4447
1962 Skipperville Road Ozark, AL ELECTRICIANS
Tyre Electrical & Plumbing “Specializing in Services Calls of All Types” 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded
CHRIS AND EDDIE ADKINS
No Job Too Small Licensed and Insured
334-774-2448 334-379-4831
E
RVICE E S N A M Y D N A H A A
C
INSURANCE Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman
&
DAYCARE CENTERS
Noah’s Ark
• 646 US Hwy 231 North • Ozark
774-3333
R
334.774.5194
LLC
zark, AL Street ~ O 673 James
Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency
T
863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360
334-774-7177
O R Y
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $100 Reg. Rate $35/Month
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
29
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES
B U S I
Office: 334-733-5549 or 251-359-0402 LAWNMOWER REPAIR
D&D 231 LAWN MOWER REPAIR & PARTS 334-774-1226
George Burns
N E S
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $200 Reg. Rate $60/Month SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE
DERRELL’S
SEWING & VACUUM CENTER
PARTS FOR ALL BRANDS OF SEWING MACHINES & VACUUM CLEANERS
2507 MONTGOMERY HWY. AZALEA PLAZA DOTHAN, AL
S
Durwood & Diane Smith 4322 Hwy. 231 South Ozark, AL Just Past Mile Marker 40 Across Hwy. 231 from Grace Baptist Church
PROPANE 20 lb. Propane Cylinder Refill
Buy 5 - Get 1 FREE No other discounts apply - No partial fills
OZARK/FORT RUCKER KOA RV CAMPING • RV SUPPLIES • PROPANE 2414 N. US Hwy 231 3.3 Miles N of McDonalds @ MM47
334-774-3219
334-794-0824
THRIFT STORES
D I
TREE SERVICE
CALL
R E
Do you need that tree cut or trimmed in your yard?
TREE SERVICES, FREE Estimates / Bonded & Insured
Shane Crooks
334-774-0794
ROOFING (METAL)
C Find The Differences Answers T SHEETMETAL AND REMODELING C0., L.L.C. 1847 N. County Road 59 Ozark, AL. 36360 Est. 1995
Licensed, Insured & Bonded
Custom Metal Roofs ~ Pole Barns ~ Sun Decks Metal Buildings ~ Copper Bay Windows Rudy Huckaba rudyhuckster@aol.com
O R Y
1. Restrooms and Restroomss 2. Sign over restrooms is different 3. Letter S in Bait Shop is different 4. Vent over side window is different 5. Potted Plant is missing
Household Hint: Store bed sheets inside their pillowcases FEBRUARY 2014 for easy storage and access NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
30
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
FRIDAY
AL-ANON Every Monday at 12:00 PM at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church 2454 Andrews Ave, Ozark,Al. call 618-513-1245 2014 Black&White Art Show ..Feb 15th-Mar 29 Ann Rudd Art Center/ Dowling Museum, Ozark, Al
2
3
4
Groundhog Day
9
5
6
7
8
13
14
20
21
Anniversary of the Constitution 10
11
12
17
18
19
15 2014 B&W Art Valentine’s Show Rec Day Rudd Center Ozark
President’s Day
23
SATURDAY
1
Lincoln’s Birthday
16
Mark Twain
24
22 Washington’s Birthday
25
26
27
28
Flag Day
SEND US YOUR EVENT! Promoting Healthy Hair Call for your appointment Today!
334-618-8341
This Calendar is available free to list Non Profit organization's SPECIAL events. To list your event, E-mail Event Name, Date, & Place to roger@laughsandlifts.com Your event information must be received 2 weeks prior to listing. Limited to space available.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for. Zig Ziglar
When I was a smart-aleck kid we didn’t have “Time Out” . We had “Times Up” & then I would get my tail whooped.
Be clear about your goal but be flexible about the process of achieving it. Brian Tracy
FEBRUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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