August 2014 Issue 73
THIS MONTH WE ARE 6 YEARS OLD! THIS ISSUE OF LAUGHS AND LIFTS BEGINS OUR 7TH YEAR OF LAUGHTER, ENTERTAINMENT AND ENCOURAGEMENT! WE THANK GOD AND WE THANK YOU, OUR ADVERTISERS AND OUR READERS, AUGUST 2014 1 FOR MAKING LAUGHS AND LIFTS A334-379-7603 SUCCESS.
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Words for teenagers This was first printed in 1959
I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White – Good condition – Reliable – Cheap – No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.
Northland College principal John Tapene has offered the following words from a judge who regularly deals with youth. “Always we hear the cry from teenagers, “What can we do, where can we go?” “My answer is this: Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you’ve finished, read a book. Your town doesn’t owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. “The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy Email roger@laughsandlifts.com and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness By August 10th and tell me and lonely again. In other words grow up, stop being in 25 words or less a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop Why you read laughs&Lifts magazine! a backbone not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It’s too late to sit around and wait for I will choose two winners from somebody to do something someday. Someday is The entries on August 10th now and that somebody is you!’ AUGUST 2014 “Largest Selection Ever” If it is in stock, we have it. 2 334-379-7603
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rodeo tickets
20Th ANNUAL
South Alabama
Pro Rodeo Classic Bareback Riding Friday Aug 15th & Breakaway Roping Steer Wrestling Saturday Aug 16th Team Roping Barrel Racing Dale County Ag Plex Bronco Riding Calf Roping Ozark, Alabama Bull Riding Intersection of Hwy 123 & 231 S. Calf Scramble Gates open at 6:00 P.M. Rodeo Starts at 8:00 P.M. Advance Tickets: $8 Adults $6 Children 6-12 (5 & Under FREE) At The Gate $10 Adults and $8 Children Tickets Available at Jenna Mack State Farm Agency, CB&T Bank, Kangaroo in Ozark, Ozark Chamber of Commerce, Dale County Coop Ext Office, ITR Office on Ft. Rucker & The Barn in Dothan For More Info Call 334.774.9448 0r 797.9754
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MILITARY ITEMS AND COLLECTABLE GUNS
Shopping around for car insurance? Auto-Owners Insurance offers broad, flexible protection for your car and you! Choose from a variety of programs designed to fit your needs. We also have many discounts available such as multi-policy, multi-car and good student discount.
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ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Al. 36360
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334-774-7177 Donna Shuman
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
No, I don’t want to come to your dog’s birthday party.. My cat is getting married that weekend.
Call me today to discuss your options. Some people think Allstate only protects your car. Truth is, Allstate can also protect your home or apartment, your boat, motorcycle - even your retirement and your life. And the more of your world you put in Good Hands®, the more you can save.
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Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.
A man was well inebriated, but he got behind
the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test. They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home. He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen. They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.
Abbeville, Al IN ABBY PLAZA
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There is no need to drive me crazy…I’m close enough to walk.
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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I
’m going to call my kids Ctl, Alt, and Delete. Then when they mess up, I will just hit them all at once.
I
’ll believe a salad is “To Die For” when a convict chooses one for his last meal.
W
hy was the ink drop so sad? Because her Dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Decisions A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?" The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." "Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth, a sense of humor.
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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I sure wish the Dollar Tree sold gas.
Music is like candy, you throw the rappers away
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“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.” Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: info@odedc.com 3269 Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360 How did a fool and his money ever get together,
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Logan Webb Shop: 334-774-2886 Fax: 334-774-2891 OzarkCollisionCenter.com 493 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 OzarkCollisionCenter@gmail.com
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
The Men’s Ministry of DCRM is dedicated to the memory of our former Chaplin, “Matt” Matthews for the remainder of 2014. You may make your donation in honor of Matt.
starts with a meal.
For our poor & homeless, There is Help, There is Hope, There are Solutions, there is Dale County Rescue Mission.
10,450 Meals served to the hungry in 2014 1,337 Pcs. of Clothing given to needy in 2014 2,693 Bed Nights for those in need in 2014 12,200 lbs of food given to those in need in 2014 Please Help Us With your Monthly Gift. $20 Monthly To provide meals & care for 10 people for 1 day $60 Monthly to provide meals & care for 30 people for 1 day $100 Monthly to provide meals & care for 50 people for 1 day other amount $ We are depending on your support to help those in need in our area.
Please mail your monthly pledge or visit us: DALE COUNTY RESCUE MISSION P.O. Box 1153 Ozark, AL 36361 186 North Union Avenue Ozark, AL 36360
Player # 1 ___________ Player # 2____________ Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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Fun in Retirement
EVERYTHING MUST GO
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To all our old & new friends, we will miss you & we really appreciated your business, Thank You, Bill and Pat
334-774-6954 347 N. Merrick Ave. Ozark, AL 36360
“We Cater and Cook on Location!”
334-774-2418 2275 Andrews Ave. Suite A-1 Ozark, Alabama 36360 Tues-Sat: 11am-6pm Closed Sun & Mon
The Fish Has Not been Photo Shopped! My Son-In-Law, Mike, caught this redfish on a windy day fishing from the beach on Okaloosa Island In Ft. Walton Beach.
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me. Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to people watch is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some people. But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?" "No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?"? "Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort. "The War of 1812, huh?" He queried, "When was that?" God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible. He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun! "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" Continued next page I was born on the first of the month so My parents named me Bill.
"Not really. The other guys were wearing On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." .. Written just below white camouflage." it:"I do not!" The moron nodded knowingly. "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still SERVING BREAKFAST LUNCH and DINNER 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything." NEXT DOOR TO THE KANGAROO ON 231 S. "Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten 4074 Hwy 231 S. Ozark , AL 334-445-3655 me look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I NEW do?" rger y Juic Steak Bu With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" Try ALL Our NEW Menu Items The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this HAMBURGER STEAK, TWO time the lady behind me was about to have FISH, PORK CHOP or CAN DINE FOR COUNTRY FRIED STEAK a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her. .99 $ 99 $ . After checking out and going to the $ .99 parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, Cabinets Designed For Living jumped in the car and sped out of the Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed parking lot. cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability. What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap! Then the next day I will go wearing a Border Patrol hat and see how long it takes to empty the place. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap! 2 EGG BREAKFAST BACON OR SAUSAGE GRITS & TOAST OR BACON CHEESEBURGER PLATTER
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Industrial Lubricants Automotive Lubricants Non Ethanol Gasoline Kerosene Hwy & Off Hwy Diesel martinenergyservices.com
Red Piper Sales Representative red.piper@martinmlp.com
Office: (334) 774-7035 Fax: (334) 774-1446 Cell: (334) 618-1652 2937 N. US Hwy 231 Ozark, AL. 36360
My wife does bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.
FREE In Home Estimates by Dan Barefield
Cell 334.726.3459 Office 334.774.9579 AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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CREAMY BRUSSELS SPROUTS Ingredients 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened 1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream 1/2 pound sliced fresh mushrooms 1 medium onion, chopped 2 tablespoons butter 2 packages (10 ounces each) frozen brussels sprouts, thawed and drained 3/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions In a small bowl, beat cream cheese and sour cream until smooth; set aside. In a large skillet, saute mushrooms and onion in butter until tender. Stir in brussels sprouts. Remove from the heat; stir in cream cheese mixture. Spoon into a greased shallow 2-qt. baking dish. Cover and bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes or until bubbly. Uncover; sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Bake 5 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.
SPINACH SUPREME Ingredients
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded Monterey Jack cheese 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of potato soup, undiluted 1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Directions In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients. Transfer to a greased 11-in. x 7-in. baking dish. Bake, uncovered, at 325° for 25-30 minutes or until edges are lightly browned and bubbly.
VEGETABLE MACARONI Ingredients 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of celery soup, undiluted 1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream 1/4 cup milk 1 tablespoon dried minced onion 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/8 teaspoon pepper 2 packages (16 ounces each) frozen mixed vegetables, thawed 4 ounces elbow macaroni, cooked and drained 2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
2 packages (10 ounces each) frozen chopped spinach,thawed and squeezed dry
482 S. Union Ave. OZARK 774-9345 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. ENTERPRISE 393-0503 270 Ross Clark Cir. DOTHAN 794-8521 2606 Ross Clark Cir, DOTHAN 792-1195 177 Hwy. 231 N. TROY 566-3413
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
I was a premature baby. My father wasn’t expecting me.
Directions In a large bowl, combine the soup, sour cream, milk, onion, salt and pepper. Stir in the vegetables, macaroni and cheese. Transfer to a greased 3-qt. baking dish. Cover and bake at 375째 for 30-35 minutes or until bubbly.
BROCCOLI SUPREME Ingredients 1 package (16 ounces) frozen chopped broccoli, thawed and drained 1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of mushroom soup, undiluted 1/2 cup sour cream 1/2 cup chopped celery 1 jar (2 ounces) diced pimientos, drained 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon pepper 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions In a large bowl, combine the first seven ingredients; stir to coat. Transfer to a greased 1-1/2-qt. baking dish. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake, uncovered, at 350째 for 20 minutes or until heated through.
GREEN BEANS DELUXE Ingredients 1 package (16 ounces) frozen French-style green beans 1 small onion, chopped 2 tablespoons butter 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour 3/4 cup sour cream 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon pepper Pinch ground nutmeg 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions Prepare green beans according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, saute onion in butter until tender. Reduce heat; stir in flour until blended. Add the sour cream, salt, pepper and nutmeg; heat through (do not boil). Drain the beans; stir into sour cream mixture. Transfer to a greased 1-qt. baking dish. Bake, uncovered, at 350째 for 15-20 minutes or until heated through. Sprinkle with cheese; bake 5 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.
Let us show you what else
There are some good days and there are some bad days and this is one of them.
can do for you
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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For A Meal
It is the impurities in gemstones which give them their color.
A Treat Or A Party! The area’s only homemade ice cream shop! Homemade Ice Cream Freshly Baked Waffle Cones Sandwiches & Wraps Soups & Salads Ice Cream Cakes Specialty Cowffees 158 E. Broad St. Ozark 443-0222
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night. Unknown
70 North Court Sq . Troy 770-1094 113 E. College St Enterprise 348-2202
To See our Menu & Flavors Visit milkymooicecream.com Milky Moo’s Too Candy & Gift Baskets 111 E. College St. Enterprise 475-2128
Words can build you, words can tear you down, start a fire in your heart or put it out... Let my words be life, let my words be truth...
Walter J. Lawrence, M.D. Family Practice & Aviation Medicine ● Accepting new and transfer patients ● Full laboratory services collected on site ● FAA Physicals (Class 1, 2, & 3) ● DOT/CMV Driver’s Exams ● Most major insurances accepted WALTER J. LAWRENCE, M.D., P.C. 442 GLOVER AVENUE ENTERPRISE, AL 36330 334-475-2058
Appointments and Walk-ins Accepted Monday to Friday 8:00am to 5:00pm www.LawrenceMedicine.com
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
Of all the people in the world that I know, you are one of them.
Drama …… in a River Swamp at Night
By: Jim McClellan
outdoorsdownsouth.com
I
’m always curious when I hear people say they want to spend more time outdoors for the “peace and quiet.” I’m not sure where they go to find those two conditions, but I can tell you that it’s not in a river swamp and it’s definitely not at night. Anyone who has spent time along the water’s edge after dark will vouch that it’s livelier than a fraternity party and features more violence than a Clint Eastwood film. Admission is free, but the stars of the show don’t like a lot of attention (and you probably don’t want to join the cast.) There are no heroes, no villains and no critical reviews. Things die. Things kill. The things that kill also die. This is the “circle of life” that Disney is afraid to present. It’s the reality of nature, a drama that goes on night after night, largely without human notice or interruption. We catch small glimpses of this world during the day and think we understand the story, but it’s only when you see it up close and in context that you can truly appreciate its beauty and attention to detail. Somewhere down there In a muddy cypress hammock no larger than my driveway, I is a well armed catfish! recently watched small fish dart around in the shallow water, with young gar on patrol hoping to pick off a random straggler. Nearby, a six-foot gator waited patiently for one of them to make the same mistake. Swarms of insects flew and fell from the branches. The bats got some, the frogs took a cut and those that hit the water became fish food. (A couple accidentally became part of my diet as well.) Meanwhile a cottonmouth sat dead still on the bank, waiting on a crawfish to sidle a little closer. The crawfish in turn had his eye on the minnows zipping around in water too shallow for their bigger neighbors. A little father back on the bank, a ‘coon ambled along like a hungry customer eyeballing a breakfast bar. The only plot twist came when we – “aliens” in this adventure – took a fat bullfrog off the bank and poled our way back through the vines and branches, causing a momentary pause in the action. A little while later, though, we heard the pops and slurps and splashes resume. Evidence of a not-so-peaceful night. The play went on, but I couldn’t tell you how it ended. Did the snake eat the crawfish? Did the gator grab the coon? Or did something else entirely take place after we left? All I know is that whatever happened went according to a script no human could write. It featured a cast of characters whose very lives depended on the outcome. And it was a far cry from peace and quiet. I'm Jim McClellan, a native of Calhoun County in Northwest Florida. I grew up hunting, fishing and hanging out in the same Apalachicola River swamp that five generations of my family have enjoyed -- and I still do so as much as I can. I also enjoy running, swimming, biking and backpacking.You can read more stories on my blog. www.outdoorsdoorsouth.com
I haven’t been ignoring you, I’ve been prioritizing you.
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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Dr. L.D. McLaughlin Memorial Fund
F E AT U R I N G
SECOND ANNUAL BENEFIT
PAULA DEEN Friday, August 29, 2014 at the Ozark Civic Center Doors open at 5:15 p.m. Program starts at 6:00 p.m.
General Admission: $30
Sponsorship information available at
334-774-2601 ext 1251 Tickets may be purchased at: Or 334-618-4410 Ozark Civic Center Proceeds from the event will benefit Or The Bag Lady Foundation and AUGUST 2014 The Dr. L.D. McLaughlin Fund Dale Medical Center Business Office 16 334-379-7603
Take Charge of Your Life! Break through the cycle of addiction
Medical Stabilization Service breaks through the pain Caused by substance abuse withdrawal symptoms.
Dr. Radu Constantine Call For An Appointment
Y! A D O T Call
WE CAN HELP!
334-443-0210 Or toll free: 800-939-2273 New Vision is a medically supervised, hospital based service for adults who experience acute withdrawal symptoms due to alcohol, and/or drug abuse. Only a licensed physician can determine those who qualify. SpecialCare Hospital Management administers New Vision for the hospital, and has a financial interest in this service.
“Community People, Quality Healthcare, ● Quality Care ● Over 75 Years Experience Skilled Nursing ● Over 25 Years Certified Home Health Aides ● Physical & Speech Therapy Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry
(334) 774-0750 126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, Al 36360 www.dalemedical.org
Dale Medical Center
A not-for-profit organization Dedicated to providing the most Compassionate, Comprehensive Hospice Care (334) 774-1380 Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry
126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 www.dalemedical.org
I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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Discipleship
Crosby 334-774-9396
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
“Our Focus is On You!”
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe,
Dr. Grant Geske,
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shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
WEDDING GOWNS & FORMALS CLEANING AND PRESERVING Boots • Belts • Hats • Caps • Gloves • Shoes
COMFORTERS AND QUILTS
HAVE You Considered Applying for YOUR Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already
BEEN DENIED YOUR BENEFITS?
Rose Clark Hallford Has been Representing Clients in Disability Claims FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS Monday-Friday 6 Saturday 6-12 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
FREE CONSULTATION 334-443-3000
406 Ben St. • Suite 100 Near the Ft. Rucker gate
FaithworkzDisability@gmail.com
Ozark, Alabama 36360
I have been thinking of becoming an evil genius, so far I can see at least one stumbling block.
Just Ask Me On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery Work
Susan Langley, Owner 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL
334-792-0044 1-800-598-0045 www.IngramMemorial.com
OLD ICE HOUSE “Tastes like Mama cooked it.” Lunch Buffet 11 am - 2 pm Tuesday - Friday and Sunday Private party room available
Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
TAKE-OUTS & CATERING
detox.reboot. ● ● ● ● ●
Kangen Alkaline Water Nature’s Sunshine Products Dairy Free Products Hallelujah Acres Products Health & Diet Books
1901 Wise Dr. Dothan, Al.
334-673-2444
1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL
LOCATED NEAR THE 18TH HOLE OF GOLF COURSE! This stunning home is perfect for a big or extended family and the golf enthusiast. The Master BR features a gas log FPL and well as one in the Grand Room. Upstairs is a large bonus room & bathroom could be your 4th BR or Entertainment area! The home has extensive mill work and crown molding.The kitchen features granite countertops & a double oven & opens into the grand room making it a wonderful gathering area! The flow of this home is wonderful w/10 ft ceilings!
Always Open Online At www.ShopHealthConcepts.com My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things. But I laugh more.
RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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C & B FARM SQUASH, SAND MOUNTAIN TOMATOES C & B FARM WATERMELONS , CHILTON CO. PEACHES
Guarding Your Heart
HIGHWAY 123 SOUTH AT THE INTERSECTION OF HWY 84 WICKSBURG, ALABAMA 334-726-3278 OR 334-726-3277
By: Wallace Kennedy, Jr.
T
he heart or soul of a person is synonymous in Hebrew translations. Within our soul we find the: mind, will, emotions (feelings) and intellect. This is the area where thoughts are formed, ideas generated; an arrangement of those ideas forms our plans. Despite the fact that “thoughts” are the fundamental human activity familiar to everyone, but there is no generally accepted agreement as to what thought is or how it is created. “Thoughts” are the result or product of spontaneous act of thinking. Our thoughts will become our words, actions and interactions to the environment we live in. Guarding our hearts is vitally important to our tomorrow, destiny! Proverbs 4:23 says: Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. A good reason given for this care is,
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because “out of it are the issues of life”. Out of a heart well kept will flow right “thinking”, which leads to right living, to the glory of God and the edification of others. Our thoughts will reflect our hearts being kept with diligence or neglected. We must set a watch before the three gates of our heart: eyes, ears and mouth. Remember: Proverbs 23:7For as he thinks in his heart, so is he… Matthew 12:34 For out of
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Joshua 1:8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. Matthew 4:4 “It is written: ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.’”
My grandson was so big when he was born, the doctor was afraid to slap him.
The same boiling water that hardens the egg will soften the carrot. Everything depends on the individual’s particular reaction to stressful circumstances.
4-TIRE ROTATION
January 1 - December 31�� 2014 To qualify for the price match guarantee, the tire must be the exact same brand and line as GM’s eligible tire brands.
Includes rotor inspection. Turning or replacing rotors, all other services, and tax extra. Excludes Corvette, and other select vehicles. Offer ends 12/31/2014
1801 US Hwy. 231 South, Ozark
Every dog wants to be a lucky dog! Group and Private Classes Available
8 week classes begin every week
Visit WiregrassLuckyDog.com for course descriptions, schedules & to register.
Or less
ACDelco Professional DureStop*
● BASIC OBEDIENCE ● PERFORMANCE SPORTS ● COMPETITION
Star Puppy Classes Canine Good Citizen Evaluations
.95
Brake Pads Installed Everyday Value Price Of $99.95 or Less(per axle)*
Lucky Dog Sports Club of the Wiregrass
Our trainers work with all ages, sizes & breeds.
39
$
Jan 1�� - Dec 31�� 2014 Includes: Up to 5 quarts of the oil specified by the vehicle Owner’s Manual, including dexos1 synthetic blend and an ACDELCO oil filter for the $39.95 Everyday value price. Excludes conventional and synthetic oil.
Dr. James Dobson (From his book : Hide Or Seek)
EVERYDAY VALUE PRICE
We offer special Discounts for shelter And rescue dogs.
212-A N. Broadway Ashford, AL 36320 334-202-9939
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
1000
Business Cards $39
Plus $10 SHIPPING In USA
FULL COLOR 14 Pt Glossy 1 OR 2 SIDES PRINTED
Parrish Publishing Laughs and Lifts Magazine Roger Parrish • 334•379•7603 rogerparrish@live.com
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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Am I CRAZY A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
FSU / FLORIDA After Ex-Florida coach Steve Spurrier passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims. Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. FSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge Garnet and Gold FSU banner hanging between the
marble columns. "Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Bobby Bowden gets a mansion with new FSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Bobby’s house, that's mine!!!!!"
DOCTOR�S INSTRUCTIONS Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli."
FIND The 9 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS
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Answers on page 30
I look so peaceful when my kids are asleep.
A
Sedation Dentistry
couple of weeks ago, I saw the movie "Million Dollar Arm." I really enjoyed that true story of the search for untapped baseball pitching talent in India. Now, a well know rapper has thrown out the first pitch at a New York Mets game. I believe it was a "50 Cent Arm."
Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dental treatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. Sedation Dentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensive amount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal for patients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offers anxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxed state. though fully responsive. It means something even more important, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt or remembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, you are well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.
Dothan Cosmetic Dentistry Advanced Technology
Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry 2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL 334-673-7440 DothanCosmeticDentistry.com
Parenting Challenges As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
I stayed up all night studying for my blood test. Hey it was worth it. The results came back A+. Industrial Lubricants Automotive Lubricants Non Ethanol Gasoline Kerosene Hwy & Off Hwy Diesel
MILLS PRODUCE Highway 52 West ~ Malvern, AL 36349
334-712-0700 martinenergyservices.com
Red Piper Sales Representative red.piper@martinmlp.com
Office: (334) 774-7035 Fax: (334) 774-1446 Cell: (334) 618-1652 2937 N. US Hwy 231 Ozark, AL. 36360
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Owners MICHAEL & DAISY MILLS
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
Q. What did the computer call her father? A. DATA
Where do you find a Laughs&Lifts are distributed every month in over 300 locations in the Wiregrass Area. Distributed in restaurants, offices, hair salons, auto repair shops, motels, medical and dental waiting rooms, hospitals, grocery stores and other high traffic businesses. Where ever people wait , eat out or shop‌it is our goal to have a Laughs&Lifts there for them with entertainment and encouragement strategically placed all around your advertisement to keep the reader on the page for up to 10 times longer for maximum exposure to your ad!
NOW IN 50 TROY LOCATIONS Family Magazine
CALL ROGER 334-379-7603 TO ADVERTISE OR FOR DISTRIBUTION LOCATIONS He does the work of three people. Larry, Moe and Curly.
CLUES ACROSS 1. No longer is 4. Wife of Saturn 7. L.A. Trojan school 10. Complete 11. Animal doctor 12. Old Austrian coin (abbr.) 13. Islamic teacher 15. Hearing organ 16. Abolitionist Sojourner 19. Phillips Academy town 21. Apparatus to add air 23. April rain 24. May results of 23 across 25. N.W. PA. city 26. 12th Jewish month 27. Analgesic 30. Cowards 34. Hit lightly 35. Express pleasure 36. Divinities 41. Moderately slow tempo 45. Stare impertinently 46. More small 47. Of or containing tin 50. Pain in #15 across 54. Where the tenon fits 55. Said of a sheltered horse 56. Range 57. Project Runway winner Chloe 59. French postal code 79000 60. Small integer 61. European Common Market 62. Auto petrol 63. Crimson 64. River in NE Scotland 65. East northeast
CLUES DOWN 1. Ralph __ Emerson, writer 2. Permitted 3. State of bondage 4. Administrate 5. Common garden pod plant 6. Machine-guns from the air 7. L____ : shining 8. Scribbles 9. An inclined trough 13. More (Spanish) 14. Durham, NH school 17. Hill (Celtic) 18. Time units (abbr.) 20. Legal clerk Brockovitch 22. Norse goddess of old age 27. Form a sum 28. No (Scottish) 29. Japanese sash 31. 007's creator 32. Consume food 33. The woman 37. Group annuity + lottery combination 38. Set fire to 39. Ancient Olympic Site 40. Split from 41. Awe-inspiring 42. Tidy 43. Drive mad 44. Middle Eastern riding horse 47. Spinal Muscular Atrophy 48. Technical author Clancy 49. Garden framework 51. Being near 52. Of she 53. Summer sun up in NY 58. Highest card
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ASK DR. GAUNT “Your Hometown Dentist” Hello everyone, and welcome to the dog days of Summer! Did you know..... that the saying "Dog Days" originated back in ancient Roman time? They actually believed that the hot sultry days were a result of the star Sirius rising into the night sky in the months of July and August. Sirius is the brightest star in the constellation Canis Major which means "large dog". Not only that, but they also thought those days were evil, and were known to sacrifice a red dog in April to ward off the curse of the season....yikes!! Ok, here is where I relate to a human dental condition, but aside from treating people who have "dog breath", the Did You Know, actually is to remind everyone that Dogs (and cats) actually need their teeth cleaned also! In fact, a leading cause of tooth loss for our furry friends is gum disease, just like it is for us humans! Stay cool and see you next month! Health and Happiness AND God Bless America! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
A physician once said, “The best medicine for humans is love. Someone asked, “What if it doesn’t work?” He smiled and said, “Increase the dose.”
We have hidden this cowboy hat in 6 ads in this month’s edition of Laughs&Lifts. The hats may be different colors & sizes. TO WIN A PRIZE PACKAGE FROM AREA BUSINESS’. Find the 6 ads with the hidden cowboy hat & Follow these instructions: Mail the names of the 6 business’ in which you found the cowboy hat along with your name, address and phone # To: Parrish Publishing PO Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR: Email to LaughsandLifts@live.com with subject line:
NO PHONE CALLS Drawing held on the 20th of the month
Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you're sad.
DOTHAN Family Magazine is the most unique magazine in the Wiregrass… distributed Free in over 300 locations in 7 area counties, providing laughter in clean jokes & cartoons, & encouragement through uplifting articles based firmly in God’s Word, plus Crosswords, Sudoku, Recipes, Puzzles & More A one of a kind advertising venue for your business!
NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES
334-699-4122
1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
Tim Stafford, Owner
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 To Advertise call 334-379-7603 "When business is good, it pays to advertise; When business is bad, you've got to advertise." - Henry Ford (1863-1947) Good Times or Bad, We Are Your Best Advert Value. Call Laughs and Lifts Today. 334-379-7603
MAILING ADDRESS PARRISH PUBLISHING P.O. BOX. 681 • OZARK, AL 36361
334.379.7603 Roger@laughsandlifts.com www.LaughsandLifts.com Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or
220 W. Malvern Hwy Malvern, Alabama
334-793-6690
insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Laughs&Lifts is published on or near the first of every month and is distributed throughout the
Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.
Wiregrass area of Alabama and mailed to subscribers anywhere in the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Laughs&Lifts to P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographic errors or omissions.
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ATTORNEY
AIR CONDITIONING B U HEATING & COOLING
ALTERATIONS Logan’s Cleaners Alterations Take it up or Let it out! Buttons, Hems, Zippers, Mending Quality Work at Fair Prices
774-8012
S I N
AUTO REPAIR
E
618 S, Union Ave Ozark
S
ANTIQUES
S
33 Brackin Mill Rd. Ozark, AL
BARBER SHOP You’ll Love Our Friendly Service!
903 N. Daleville Ave. Daleville, Al. 36322
D
334-598-4247
I APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES
R
BEAUTY SALONS
E C
ARMY-NAVY STORE
T CLEANERS & LAUNDRY LOGAN’S O DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY
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AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
“CLEANING IS OUR BUSINESS” M-F 6-5 SAT 6-12
774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL
Be a lumberjack: Saw the world."
DAYCARE CENTER B Noah’s Ark Daycare & Learning Center
774-4447 1962 Skipperville Road Ozark, AL
DOG TRAINING Lucky Dog Sports Club of the Wiregrass
U
HANDYMAN A&A HANDYMAN SERVICE
S
CHRIS AND EDDIE ADKINS
I
Licensed and Insured
INSURANCE
N
Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman
Every dog wants to be a lucky dog! BASIC OBEDIENCE PERFORMANCE SPORTS COMPETITION
● ● ●
Visit WiregrassLuckyDog.com
8 week classes begin every month All ages, sizes & breeds. 212-A N. Broadway
Private Classes Available Special discount for rescue dogs.
Ashford, AL 36320
334-774-2448 334-379-4831
No Job Too Small
E
Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360
S
334-774-7177
334-202-9939
S HEALTH &
ELECTRICIANS Tyre
Electrical & Plumbing “Specializing In Service Calls of All Types” Over 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded
334-774-1727 Merrick Ave. D 345 N. Ozark
I
FLOORING
Join Today! Feel Better & Look Better!
FITNESS CLUB Cardio Area & 24/7 Access Free Weights Weight Assisted Machines Personal Trainers Tanning Beds & Sauna
R
FLOORING LLC E WOOD - CERAMIC- CARPET
C
334-445-2866
936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360
T Put Your Message In This Size Business Directory Ad For 4 Months For Only
$200
TOP DOLLAR PAID
O R Y
The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with peace. Psalm 29:11
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LAWNMOWER REPAIR B U S
MASSAGE THERAPY
I
TIRES & SERVICE Ozark & DOTHAN Tire & service
New & Used Tires ● Oil Changes ● Road Side Service 774-1416 453 South Union Ave. Ozark 699-4122 1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan
TREE SERVICE
N E S
PRINTING
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ZOO
D I
PROPANE
Find The Differences Answers
R E C
1. Ivy on left is missing 2. Leaf in center -top missing 3. Butterfly is missing 4. Large flower is different color 5. Sq hole is different size 6. Brick at top right different 7. White marks at bottom left diff. 8. White spot in center is different 9. Mortar lines are different
SWIMMING POOLS T O R Y 30
AUGUST 2014 334-379-7603
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $200 $60/Month LESS THAN 4 MOS.
10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
FOR ALL YOUR HOME MEDICAL EQUIPMENT NEEDS… HOME HEALTH CARE SUPPLY E FRE RY V I E DEL
HOME MEDICAL EQUIPMENT & RESPIRATORY CARE NEEDS RENTALS, SALES, AND REPAIRS
Yes, we can provide electric wheelchairs to Medicaid patients. Aabon Home Health Care Supply 136 E. Reynolds St. Ozark, AL. aabon@troycable.net
What messes our life up most is the expectation of what our life is supposed to look like."
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME HATING ANYONE. FORGIVE THEM FOR EVERYTHING!
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Ephes. 1:13
WORD OF TRUTH FAMILY CHURCH Salvation + Holy Spirit = POWER Are you ready for this? You are cordially invited to a new kind of church in the area. Non-Denominational Bible Based Foundation 5474 Hwy 231 South Ozark, AL 36360 Ph. 334-655-7770
Saturday Evening Service at 5:30 pm (Attend Saturday evening and have your Sunday free for your family!) Be a part of a Church that teaches the Word of Truth. Where you will grow in faith and learn to walk in the light of God’s Word, and receive the empowerment to be an overcomer. Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” It is God’s desire for us to experience victory in every area of our lives “Our mission is to be actively involved in the Great Commission by delivering the Word of Truth to the believers who will be empowered by the leading of the Holy Spirit to go forth impacting those people around them with the Truth and Love of God’s Word.”(Ephes. 1:13)
The SPA at Deer Run NOW OFFERING SKINCARE
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