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MAY 2014 Issue 70
Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful. ~ John Wooden
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Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.
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MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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IN OUR 6TH YEAR, Laughs&Lifts is a FREE, full color, interactive, local publication that can be seen 365 days a year. It is published monthly and distributed anywhere consumers experience wait times; doctors’ offices, dentists’ offices, urgent cares, hotels, senior centers, clubs, car washes, and in many high traffic businesses like groceries and restaurants. The goal of Laughs&Lifts is to entertain and engage consumers. We strive to maximize enjoyment for our readers and maximum exposure for our advertisers. Laughs&Lifts is a cost effective, marketing tool for small business owners to effectively spend the dollars they have, in their target market where most businesses generate 80% of their customers. Laughs&Lifts is also an effective tool for businesses of all sizes, whether it is the only thing they do or whether it is just a supplement to their advertising program. Consumers spend an average of 45 minutes interacting with Laughs&Lifts and they almost always take it with them. While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographic errors or omissions.
In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.
If your kids tripped on your Christmas lights while hunting Easter eggs, you might be a redneck
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Mothers President Teddy Roosevelt once noted, “When all is said, it is the mother only who is a better citizen than the soldier who fights for his country. The successful mother, the mother who does her part in rearing and training aright the boys and girls, who are to be the men and women of the next generation, is of greater use to the community, and occupies, if she only would realize it, a more honorable, as well as more important, position than any man in it. The mother is the one supreme asset of national life. She is more important, by far, than the successful statesman, or businessman, or artist, or scientist.” Roosevelt’s statement reminded me of the old adage, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” We need to continue to emphasize to our mothers how important their role is in our world (Proverbs 14:1). Mothers, thank you for the sacrifices you make for children. You are vital! Wade Webster
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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ELECT TOMMY
FARMER DALE COUNTY COMMISSIONER
DISTRICT 1
A Dale County Citizen, Not a Politician!!!
ELECT Tommy Farmer & You’ll Get A Man With Integrity, Service, & Leadership… Who Will Work Hard for the People of Dale County Thank You For Your Support.
A
shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
PAID POL. AD BY TOMMY FARMER, 1389 JERNIGAN RD. OZARK, AL. 36360
T
he Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted: “My mommy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
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MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Spring is the best time to dust off your trimmer and tackle that lawn. STIHL trimmers are built to work hard against grass, weeds, and brush.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
P
olice were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five. "
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5
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334-443-3000 FaithworkzDisability@gmail.com
406 Ben Street Suite 100 Ozark, AL
I have figured out what I want to be when I get older…Younger
If you don’t control your attitude, then it will control you Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
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A
little boy had just polished off all the cookies in the kitchen. His mother came in, and seeing the empty jar and the crumbs, said to the wee lad, “Son, who ate the cookies?” The little fellow replied, “An animal did.” “What kind of animal?” his mother asked. The young lad was thoughtful for a moment. Then he smiled, “One of Jesus’ little lambs.” “Beloved in the sight of my mother” Proverbs 4:3 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I am striving to be more than I have ever been.
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“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”
A
father, mother, and their three sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle), and Steve (youngest), were conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children came up. The father said, “John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence.” Steve responded, “Daddy, what’s intelligence?”
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MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Save money, Live Better.
All of my favorite movies are now revised in color.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way.” Has a zero success rate.
T
here was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the firemen right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves . You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal! Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling? I’m Josephine’s parrot ! Help me please, please help! MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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T
o all the MOMS,GRANDMAS, AUNTS, SISTERS,Or COUSINS, Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day, Whether you are here or in HEAVEN now. We are what we are Because of you!!!
A
n American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, the American played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good shot.. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it hitting 3"
Leftover paint won’t reseal the lid if you store the can upside-down.
Weak people revenge, Strong people forgive, Intelligent people ignore.
H
ave you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
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For A Treat A Meal Or A Party! The area’s only homemade ice cream shop! Homemade Ice Cream Freshly Baked Waffle Cones Sandwiches & Wraps Soups & Salads Ice Cream Cakes Specialty Cowffees 158 E. Broad St. Ozark 443-0222 1665 Hwy 231 S. Troy 770-1094 113 E. College St Enterprise 348-2202
To See our Menu & Flavors Visit milkymooicecream.com Milky Moo’s Too Candy & Gift Baskets 111 E. College St. Enterprise 475-2128
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
W
hen I was 10 or 11 years old, I spent the night on a houseboat with my father and his friend Harold “Greasy” Gaskin. They were going fishing that evening and the following morning, but it was during hunting season and I got to bring Daddy’s old Remington .22 and a brand new box of bullets. The plan was for me to shoot squirrels while they caught catfish. Just as we were leaving, I leaned over to put the rifle in the boat when the box of shells fell out of my shirt pocket and went deep to the bottom of the Apalachicola River. It was one of the worst tragedies I had experienced up to that point in my young life. Retrieving the lost bullets was impossible, so I turned the houseboat upside down, looked in tackle boxes and even filtered through the sludge in the bottom of the boat. I’m sure there were tens of millions of .22 bullets in the world, but I would have given almost anything just for a handful. Who knew that I would face the same issue for different reasons – all these years later? Somewhere down there is a well armed catfish! At the start of this past season, I went in a Pensacola sporting goods store and the clerk actually laughed out loud when I asked for .22s. He said that they sold out as soon as they came out of the stockroom and if I wanted any, I’d have to come stand in line on the day they arrived. I checked with other stores and got the same story. You can’t even find .22 magnums over here. So every time I thought about going squirrel hunting this year, I changed my mind because bullets are apparently too rare and valuable to waste on a mere rodent. Not to mention that I might have to sight in the scope, which would cost me even more of my precious ammo. I’ve got about 40 or 50 rounds left, but I’m thinking I ought to hold onto them as a retirement investment. Pardon my disbelief, but I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that one of the most common rounds ever made is suddenly in short supply. And the best reason anybody can come up with is that people are hoarding them. Why? I’m told it’s because people believe they are in short supply, so they’re buying them up as fast as they can. Which means, of course, that they are hard to come by. Which leads people to believe they’re in short supply, so they hoard them. It’s a vicious cycle. You see the problem here, right? Some of you are sitting on enough ammunition to launch a low-caliber World War III, while the rest of us are forced to dust off our old .410s and 20 gauges and dig bird shot out of squirrel carcasses. For those of you in the first group, I have a suggestion: Start selling off part of your stock now, while you can still charge a premium. I’m pretty sure that those of us in the second group would pay an extra buck or so per box just to have enough to last through next hunting season. However, I recommend you start now before somebody in China realizes there’s a fortune to be made by flooding the market with tons of cheap ammo. I hate spending money on products made by the world’s largest communist regime, but it certainly beats the alternative – trying to find that box I dropped overboard nearly 40 “We have bullets for you” years ago. I'm Jim McClellan, a native of Calhoun County in Northwest Florida. I grew up hunting, fishing and hanging out in the same Apalachicola River swamp that five generations of my family have enjoyed -- and I still do so as much as I can. You can read more on my blog at www.outdoorsdownsouth.com
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Gratitude turns what I have into enough!
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm every morning is the fact that it is my phone.
Aunt T’s Kitchen Peanut Butter Apple Dessert
Peanut Butter Chewy Peanut Butter Bars
Ingredients
Ingredients
1-1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs (about 24 squares) 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/2 cups plus 1/3 cup peanut butter, divided 1/4 cup butter, melted 1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened 3/4 cup sugar 1 carton (16 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed 2 cans (21 ounces each) apple pie filling 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup All-Purpose Flour 1/3 cup sugar 1/2 cup cold butter
· FILLING: 2 eggs 1/2 cup corn syrup 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup crunchy peanut butter 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup flaked coconut 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
Directions
Directions In a large bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar, ½ cup peanut butter and butter; spoon half into a 3-qt. bowl. In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese and sugar until smooth; fold in whipped topping. Spread half over crumb mixture in the bowl. Top with one can of apple pie filling. Combine the confectioners' sugar, cinnamon and remaining peanut butter until crumbly; sprinkle half over pie filling. Repeat layers. Refrigerate until serving. Yield: about 20 servings.
Gluten Free Products
In a bowl, combine flour and sugar; cut in the butter until mixture is crumbly. Press into a greased 13-in. x 9-in. baking pan. Bake at 350° for 14-16 minutes or until lightly browned. In a large bowl, beat the eggs, corn syrup, sugar, peanut butter and salt until smooth. Fold in coconut and chocolate chips. Pour over crust. Return to the oven for 15-20 minutes or until golden. Cool on a wire rack. Cut into bars. Yield: 3 dozen.
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MAY 2014 You can’t wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us.
Peanut Butter Chocolate Peanut Butter Sweeties
Aunt T’s Kitchen Peanut Butter Muffins Ingredients
Ingredients 1 cup peanut butter 1/2 cup butter, softened 3 cups confectioners' sugar 60 miniature pretzels (about 3 cups) 1-1/2 cups milk chocolate chips 1 tablespoon shortening
Directions In a small bowl, beat peanut butter and butter until smooth. Beat in confectioners' sugar until combined. Shape into 1-in. balls; press one on each pretzel. Place on waxed paper-lined baking sheets. Refrigerate until peanut butter mixture is set, about 1 hour. In a microwave, melt chocolate chips and oil; stir until smooth. Dip the peanut butter ball into chocolate; allow excess to drip off. Return to baking sheet, pretzel side down. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before serving. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator. Yield: 5 dozen.
1-1/2 cups crushed chocolate wafers (about 24 wafers) 2 tablespoons plus 1/2 cup sugar, divided 1/2 cup butter, melted 2 cups All-Purpose Flour 1 tablespoon baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 egg 3/4 cup milk 1/3 cup vegetable oil 1/2 cup peanut butter
Directions In a bowl, combine crumbs and 2 tablespoons sugar. Stir in butter; set aside. In another bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt and remaining sugar. Whisk together egg, milk and oil; stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Place peanut butter in a microwave-safe bowl. Cover and microwave on high for 10-20 seconds or until softened. Fold into batter. Press about 1 tablespoon reserved crumb mixture onto the bottom of 12 ungreased muffin cups. Divide batter evenly between cups. Sprinkle with remaining crumbs. Bake at 400° for 15-18 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack to cool completely. Yield: 1 dozen.
Crisp Peanut Butter Candies Ingredients 2-2/3 cups vanilla or white chocolate chips 1/4 cup peanut butter 3 cups crisp rice cereal 1 cup peanuts chopped
Directions In a heavy saucepan, heat vanilla, chips and peanut butter over low heat until melted; stir until smooth. Add cereal and peanuts; stir to coat. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper; let stand until set. Store in an airtight container at room temperature. Yield: about 4-1/2 dozen.
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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"Invest in precious metals. Buy lead."
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing about. ---Ben Franklin
A Healthy Appetite By Wallace Kennedy, Jr. I am so hungry I could eat a cow! Have you heard that saying before? Hunger can be defined as having a desire, or craving for something to eat or drink to ease the pains of an empty stomach. When we get hungry we know exactly what to do: head for the refrigerator, food pantry or nearby restaurant. Psalm 42:1-2 As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? When we get hungry for God, “A Hearty Appetite” That hunger for God will be the most powerful ‘mover’ in our lives. It compels our hearts, reforms our thinking, orders our values, and influences our behaviour. Hunger cause passion, passion cause focus and pursuit! Jesus said: John 4:14 But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life." John 6:35 And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. Matthew 5:6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Do you have A Hearty Appetite for the things of God?
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334-445-1460 600 students at a university were asked to write the most beautiful word in the English language. 422 wrote the word mother. 112 wrote home.
Furnished & Unfurnished
305 Newton Avenue Ozark, AL 36360 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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You can do anything, but not everything!
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?
ANYWAY People are unreasonable, illogical, and selfcentered. Love them anyway! If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway!
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M
y Grandma always says that she doesn’t get any phone calls. So for her birthday, I put one of those “How’s my driving?” Bumper stickers on her car. Her phone is pretty much ringing off the hook now!
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Do good anyway! Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank any-way! The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest minds. Think big anyway! People really need help, but they may attack you if you help them. Help people anyway! Give the world your best, and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the best you've got anyway!
INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery Work
Susan Langley, Owner
www.IngramMemorial.com 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL
Family Magazine is the most unique magazine around… providing laughter in clean jokes & cartoons, & encouragement through uplifting articles based firmly in God’s Word, plus Crosswords, Sudoku, Recipes, Puzzles & More A one of a kind advertising venue for your business!
334-792-0044 1-800-598-0045
Troy advertisers call 334-403-2790 All Other areas call 334-379-7603 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
15
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
“Right Where You Need Us” www.DaleMedical.org Our mission is to identify and meet the health care needs of the community through commitment to quality, compassionate, safe, cost efficient health care. Our mission includes health education, wellness programs, prevention and treatment. OBSTETRICS / GYNECOLOGY CARDIOLOGY Ronald Alfano, MD Christopher Centafont, MD Nelson Gwinn, MD Andreas Muench, MD Thomas Young, MD Nidal Yunis, MD
445-1711 443-1445 443-1445 443-1445 443-1445 443-1445
COMMUNITY HOSPICE
774-1380
EMERGENCY MEDICINE Timothy Adamcryk, MD Carl Barlow, MD, FACEP Connie Chandler, MD Patrick Conrad, MD Kurtis Eaton, MD Paul Hart, MD Paul Rogers, MD Thomas Rose, MD Philip Wilson, DO
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ENT Scott Charlton, MD, FACS
308-9368
FAMILY PRACTICE Taylor Caffey, MD Scott Hammock, MD Robert Kreutzmann, MD Sarah Olaso, MD Rifat Parwaiz, MD
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GASTROENTEROLOGY William D. McLaughlin, MD
836-1212
HOME HEALTH
774-0750
HOSPITALIST Connie Chandler, MD Paul Hart, MD Vishal Patel, MD Stephen Sanders, MD
774-2601 774-2601 774-2601 774-2601
INTERNAL MEDICINE Oliver Crawford, MD Cecelia Hermann, MD Luna Sy, MD
774-5864 774-5116 445-9101
NEUROLOGY Hassan Kesserwani, MD
445-0028
Tiffany General, MD Kerry Griffin, MD Tia Guster, MD Teki Hegwood, MD Bradley Heim, MD Vanessa King-Johnson, MD James Pollard, MD Sarah Raines, DO LaToya Walton-Torrence, MD Asha Voss, MD
443-0150 393-0737 443-0150 443-0150 393-0737 443-0150 393-0737 443-0150 443-0150 445-0150
ORTHOPEDICS David Clark, DO
445-2663
PEDIATRICS Stephen Brandt, MD Rifat Parwaiz, MD
774-1412 774-7610
PSYCHIATRY Esiri Esin, MD Fernando Lopez, MD Shakir Meghani, MD John Strunk, MD Eyob Hailu Tessema, MD Charles Van Valkenburg, MD
774-5005 774-5005 774-5005 673-8869 347-7705 774-5005
PODIATRY Robert H. Lisenby, DPM Sanjeev Singh, DPM Stefan B. Zweig, DPM
671-1441 566-9400 793-6803
PULMONARY MEDICINE Oliver Crawford, Jr., MD
774-5864
RADIOLOGY Jason Dorey, MD David Montiel, MD Dudley Terrell, MD
774-2601 774-2601 774-2601
RHEUMATOLOGY In Soh, MD
443-0190
STATMED FAMILY MEDICINE
774-7610
SURGERY, GENERAL & COSMETIC Andrew Duerr, MD
774-0762
SURGERY, GENERAL Radu Constantine, MD
443-0177
NEW DAY BEHAVIORAL
774-7352 126 Hospital Avenue Ozark, Alabama 36360 (334) 774-2601 - Administration, Ext 1251 MAY 2014 For Calling a Patient’s Room: IN OURNumber) 6�� YEAR Dial 774-2601NOW + 1+(Room
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24 Hour Emergency Department
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Dr. Radu Constantine 126 HOSPITAL AVE • OZARK, AL 36360 334-774-2601 Visit Our Website At www.DaleMedical.org For the latest news & Health information
Call For An Appointment
Dale Medical Center
General Surgery & Cosmetics Dale Medical Center
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
17
Call For An Appointment
The point of the storm isn’t to prove your faith, it is to prove His Faithfulness
SERVING BREAKFAST
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NEXT DOOR TO THE KANGAROO ON 231 S. 4074 Hwy 231 S. Ozark , AL 334-445-3655
Laughs&Lifts is a great work-fromhome business opportunity for people with sales, marketing, publishing, or business experience! Call Us! 334-379-7603
N Try Our NEW FISH & CHICKEN Menu Items “FAMILY PACK”
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TWO CAN DINE FOR
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Choose between four platters Or (2) Dinners and (2) kids meals Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Doesn’t include T-Bones, Rib Eyes, Country Ham or Salads
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Bacon Cheeseburger Platter
Choose 2 Eggs, Bacon, or Sausage Grits, Toast, Jelly or 2 Bacon Cheeseburgers with choice of potato.
Or Bacon or Sausage & 2 eggs Served with Grits, Toast & Jelly
3.99
$
Add a Waffle for $1.00
o longer relishing my reputation as a technophobe, I bought an iPhone and peppered the young salesman with a ton of questions. “Please excuse my ignorance,” I said. I’m from the Smith-Corona generation.” He had no clue what I was talking about, so I asked, “Do you know what a Smith-Corona is?” He replied tentatively, “A drink?”
Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.
W
hen I took my ten-year old grandson to his first flea market, I taught him the art of haggling. “Say someone’s selling a hunting knife for $20. Offer him $15,” I instructed. He got the concept, and when he spotted a ring he wanted that was selling for $5, he went into action. “I on;y have $3, he told the lady at the booth. She smiled. “Then $3 it is.” With that, he pulled out a $5 bill and waited for his change. MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
18
Abbeville, Al IN ABBY PLAZA
CALL or BETTER yet Come Visit Kim Today!
334-585-5757 TITLE ~ PAYDAY LOANS ~ TAX SERVICE Kim,LOANS Manager . Don’t stumble over something behind you.
Everyone smiles in the same language! Look at someone RIGHT NOW…and SMILE!
T
eacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball Jonah: Here’s my paper Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay. Lets hear what you wrote. Jonah: Game called off on account of rain.
EXPANDED LUNCH BUFFET AND SALAD BAR Open 7 days a week for lunch! OPEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SERVING SHRIMP & CATFISH BUFFET $11.50 Includes Tea
NOW IN 50 TROY LOCATIONS A
man notices that his wife is missing. He goes to the police station to file a report. The officer on duty asks him to describe her.
Family Magazine
Okay,” he says, “but only on one condition…You cannot show it to her afterward.
To Advertise Your Business or for Distribution Locations Troy Businesses call Keith Blankenship 334-403-2790
Traffic Stop! “What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. “Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
4-TIRE ROTATION
39
$
.95 Or less
Jan 1�� - Dec 31�� 2014
Includes: Up to 5 quarts of dexos1 synthetic blend & an ACDELCO oil filter for the $39.95 Everyday value price. Excludes conventional and full synthetic oil. Rotation of four tires Fluid-level inspection & check steering, suspension, wiper blades, exhaust, undercarriage, belts and hoses.
April 1�� - May 31�� 2014 $100 Rebate on Bridgestone, Continental, Goodyear, Hankook, and Perelli. $50 Rebate on BFGoodrich, Dunlop, Firestone, General & Michelin.
This rebate offer cannot be combined with individual tire manufacturer rebates and or specials. Rebate is issued as a debit card. All rebates must be postmarked no later than 30 days after the end of each rebate period. Allow 6-8 weeks for rebate Debit card delivery
1801 US Hwy. 231 South, Ozark
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
19
EVERYDAY VALUE PRICE
Three groups spend other people’s money: children, thieves, & politicians
The more you do unselfishly, the more you live abundantly. The more of everything you share, the more you'll always have to spare.
LOCAL LADIES' CLUB MEMBER HAS WRITTEN A NEW BOOK OF GOLF TIPS! ORDER YOURS TODAY. Here's what's inside the book. Submitted by Jeannie Shoup. The cost is only $9.95. Don't wait until they're all gone !!!! Table of Contents: Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt... Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee. Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker. Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank. Chapter 5 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings. Chapter 6 - When to Implement Handicap "Management". Chapter 7 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round. Chapter 8 - When Does a Divot Become Classified as Sod.. Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water. Chapter 10 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5th Hole. Chapter 11 - Using Curse Words Creatively to Control Ball Flight. Chapter 12 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome. Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee. Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents. Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey-Three-Putt. Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever. Chapter 17 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique. Chapter 18 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game? Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $2.50 for a Coke From the Cart Girl and Give Her a $4 Tip, but will balk at $2.50 for a Coke at the 19th Hole and then Stiff the Waitress.
Thanking you in advance for your order
482 S. Union Ave. OZARK 774-9345 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. ENTERPRISE 393-0503 270 Ross Clark Cir. DOTHAN 794-8521 2606 Ross Clark Cir, DOTHAN 792-1195 177 Hwy. 231 N. TROY 566-3413
MAY 2014 “Coming together is a beginning, staying together is NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR progress, and working together is success.” —Henry Ford
20
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
I take Metformin for the diabetes caused by the Hydrochlorothiazide I take for high blood pressure which I got from the Ambien I take for insomnia caused by the Xanax I take for the anxiety that I got from the Wellbutrin I take for chronic fatigue which I got from the Lipitor I take because I have high cholesterol because a healthy diet and exercise with regular chiropractic care and superior nutritional supplements are just too much trouble!
WEDDING GOWNS & FORMALS CLEANING AND PRESERVING Boots • Belts • Hats • Caps • Gloves • Shoes
COMFORTERS AND QUILTS
Monday-Friday 6 Saturday 6-12 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
Logan’s Cleaners & Alterations Take It Up or Let It Out! Buttons, Zippers, Hems & Mending
Safety First! When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly frontdoor lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."
Quality Work at Fair Prices 774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL
O The Sawyers Produce 220 W. Malvern Hwy Malvern, Alabama 334-793-6690
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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ur church fellowship hall has framed Bible verses on the wall— most of them extolling God’s love and care. But at a recent wedding reception, another verse caught everyone’s attention. Directly behind the cake table where the couple were cutting the first piece hung the warning: Flee from the Wrath to Come! — Nancy Camp Waiting to Win Is Common But Working To Win Is Genius..
The person who invented knock knock jokes... deserves a no bell prize.
“Love�To�Dance!” Annual Recital
Saturday, May 17th 2 and 7 PM Ozark Civic Center
SEVERAL VARIETIES ALL SIZES WHOLESALE & RETAIL Elevations School of Dance, LLC 164 Yancey St. Ozark, Al 36360 334-445-4414 Holle Hartzog Smith, Director/Instructor elevations@centurytel.net elevationsschoolofdance.com
OLD RIVER’S TREE FARM 3715 Logan Road, Ozark, Al. 850-867-8249
FIND 5 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS Answers on page 30
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
22
Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.
"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading" Thomas Jefferson
Ask Dr. Gaunt questions you have about your dental needs. See Page 26
Health and Rehabilitation, LLC
“
“
Aloha Join Us may 11th - 17th To celebrate
NATIONAL NURSING HOME WEEK 312 BRYAN DRIVE OZARK, AL 334-774-2561 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
23
Are you looking for a business opportunity? · Is Home-based – giving you a flexible lifestyle? · Requires Low investment – less out-ofpocket? · Provides Financial Independence – so you’re in control? may be If so, then the perfect opportunity for you to combine your passion for sales and a flexible lifestyle with a great way to earn a living. For more information send email to:
Roger@ParrishPublishing.com If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.
The best wireless plan: PRAYER! Unlimited minutes and messages and its free!
Mom: You’re 18. You can do what you want.
OLD ICE HOUSE
Daughter: So I can run away? Mom: No. You’re 18. You would just be leaving.
T
LUNCH BUFFET 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM TUESDAY - FRIDAY AND SUNDAY PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE
www.theoldicehouserestaurant.com TAKE-OUTS & CATERING
he six year-old grandson watches a lot of TV. This became apparent the day he asked his father, “am I healthy enough for sexual activity?” A Different Time While reviewing math symbols with his students the math teacher drew a > and a <. “Does anyone know “what these mean?” He asked. A boy raised his hand: “One means fast forward and one means rewind.”
“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.” Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: info@odedc.com 3269 Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Auto Repair Facility AND WE DO VEHICLE LETTERING
171 North Union Ave. Ozark, Alabama
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice!
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. Henry David Thoreau
May 5th Women of Courage Luncheon 12 noon The Flowers Center Ozark, Al No Charge PLEASE RSVP 445-1172, All women are welcome May 11th Mother’s Day
Logan Webb Shop: 334-774-2886 Fax: 334-774-2891 OzarkCollisionCenter.com 493 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 OzarkCollisionCenter@gmail.com
Sudoku Medium
May 17th Armed Forces Day May 26th Memorial Day AL-ANON Every Monday at 12:00 PM Prince of Peace Lutheran Church 2454 Andrews Ave, Ozark,Al. 618-513-1245 To list your event, E-mail Event Name, Date, & Place to roger@laughsandlifts.com Limited to space available. Not every event will qualify for our publication.
Ozark
Masonic Lodge 349
Saturday June 7th 8:30 Shotgun Start Fox Ridge Golf Course ~ Ozark, Alabama
●4 Man Best Ball Scramble ●$65 per Player or $260 per Team ●Entry Fee Includes Lunch & Registration for door prizes ●Grand Prize: Lowest Team Score $600 2nd Place $300 & 3rd Place $150 ● $5 Mulligans ● $100 Longest Drive & $100 Closest to Pin You can register from now until June 6 by contacting the following: 1. James Ray 334-704-3454 2. Daniel Strickland 334-596-4551 or 3. Jimmy Harris 334-774-1440
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Some people have nice watches, Just BAD Timing.
My dad said I should get the best education money can buy, so I asked my teacher, “How much for an A?”
ASK DR. GAUNT
Industrial Lubricants Automotive Lubricants Non Ethanol Gasoline Kerosene Hwy & Off Hwy Diesel
“Your Hometown Dentist” Did you know? That teeth start to form in the human body BEFORE we are born? So the question commonly asked is " When should our child start seeing the dentist?" I usually answer that by recommending that the child sit in the room while a parent is getting their teeth cleaned at 2-3 years old. This is so they see that it is a regular event for the parent a couple times a year, and inevitably, they will be curious within a visit or two and want to get their own ride in the chair! Unless there is a noticeable problem to the parent, we will take it gradually so we can start with a positive relationship that will earn their trust for many years to come! Did you ALSO know? Speaking of new teeth, Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks. They grow more than 24,000 new teeth every year! Wow, I know some people who would love that! Until next month, Health and Happiness! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com
CONGRATULATIONS
Kenneth Sobay of Ozark
He Found The Hidden Caps in the Following Ads: Parts & Service, Roadmart, Dothan Tire,Logan’s All Pro Moates AutoXchange, & Kate Taylor Realty HeWon Prizes Totaling Over $100
martinenergyservices.com
Red Piper Sales Representative red.piper@martinmlp.com
Office: (334) 774-7035 Fax: (334) 774-1446 Cell: (334) 618-1652 2937 N. US Hwy 231 Ozark, AL. 36360
1000 full color Business Cards UV Glossy 1 or 2 Sides Printed
$
49
FREE SHIPPING In USA
334-379-7603
RogerParrish@live.com
FIND THE
FLOWERS We have hidden these flower in 6 ads in this month’s edition of Laughs&Lifts. TO WIN A PRIZE PACKAGE FROM AREA BUSINESS’. Find the 6 ads with the hidden
Flower & Follow these instructions: Mail the names of the 6 business’ in which you found the Flowers (Do not cut out Ads) along with your name, address and phone # To: Parrish Publishing PO Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR: Email to LaughsandLifts@live.com with subject line:
NO PHONE CALLS Drawing held on the 20th of the month
MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
26
I accepted the terms and conditions without reading them YOLO
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial….Mike Birbiglia
Ask Dave Dear Dave, I’m 20 years old, and I’m trying to get out of debt. However, I’m concerned about what might happen when I’m older and don’t have a credit score. My girlfriend says I won’t be able to get a job or rent an apartment without a good one. Is this true? Ian Dear Ian, No, it’s not true. I’m sure your girlfriend is a sweet person, but she has no clue what she’s talking about in this situation. In either case you can simply explain that reason you don’t have a credit score is because you have no debt. Since you don’t have any debt, you have something known as money. That makes you very stable, and it makes you a fantastic candidate as an employee or tenant. Listen to me, Ian. I’m a landlord, and if I had my choice between a tenant with no debt and no credit score and someone with a high credit score but lots of debt, I’d take the one who has no debt in a heartbeat. Why? Because that’s the one who is most likely to pay.
Besides, you already have a good credit history if you’ve paid your bills on time. Show them proof of that, if necessary. But taking on a pile of debt to have a high credit score or increase your current score is just plain stupid! —Dave * Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 6 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations. Follow Dave on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.
DOTHAN NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES
334-699-4122
1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
Tim Stafford, Owner
Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
27
When was the last time you did something for the first time?
If you can't be a pencil to write someone's happiness, then try to be a nice eraser to remove their sadness.
AIR CONDITIONING
B
ATTORNEYS
JOE W. ADAMS
U RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL….WE GET IT DONE!
S
Attorney at Law
Do you have a Will? You need one! Let me assist - 45 years experience
1278 Andrews Avenue ~ Ozark, Alabama 774-5533 “No representation is made that the quality of the legal services to be performed is greater than the quality of legal services provided by other lawyers.”
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
I N E
ANTIQUES
S S
Ozark Tire & service 774-1416
● New & Used Tires ● Oil Changes 453 South Union Ave. ● Road Side Service Ozark, AL AUTO-/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $200 Reg. Rate $60/Month
D I
33 Brackin Mill Rd. Ozark, AL
R
32 Years Exp
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
Appliance
C
Sales • Parts • Service 334-379-3135
T
abcapplianceozark.com
ARMY-NAVY STORE
O
DOTHAN ARMY - NAVY STORE R 1001 GENUINE ISSUE (GI) US MILITARY ITEMS WE SELL FOR LESS Please Check Us Out.
334-435-0796
Buy ~ Sell ~ Trade
Hwy 231 S. 9 Miles South of Ross Clark Circle at Mile Post 4
We are no longer affiliated with South Union Garage
E
APPLIANCE REPAIR & SALES
697-B North Union Ave. • Ozark, AL.
We Have Moved to our
Y
WE BUY CARS 445-1460 AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES Jennifer Mcleod has FINANCING FOR EVERYONE § Everyone Approved § No Credit § Bad Credit
2618 US Highway 231 N. Ozark, AL
(334)774-0420
MAY 2014 Hey you I found your nose. It was in my business again. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road… and not be questioned about their motive.
BUSINESS CARDS 1000 BUSINESS FREE SHIPPING CARDS Anywhere In USA $49 Roger Parrish • 334•379•7603 rogerparrish@live.com
B U
GOLF COURSE 334-774-8327
• 646 US Hwy 231 North • Ozark
S
CAMPGROUNDS
HAIR SALON
I N Promoting Healthy Hair
Fishing Charters, Cabins & Camping
E
CLEANERS AND LAUNDRY
LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY
S
M-F 6-5 Sat 6-12
S
774-8012
618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
Call for your appointment Today!
334-618-8341
DAYCARE CENTERS
HANDYMAN
Noah’s Ark
No Job Too Small Licensed and Insured
Daycare & Learning Center
774-4447
1962 Skipperville Road Ozark, AL ELECTRICIANS
Tyre Electrical & Plumbing
D I R
“Specializing in Services Calls of All Types” 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded
334.774.5194
CHRIS AND EDDIE ADKINS
E
334-774-2448 334-379-4831
RVICE E S N A M Y D N A H A A &
zark, AL Street ~ O 673 James
INSURANCE Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360
334-774-7177
FLOORING
C
FLOORING
T LLC
Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet TILE SHOWER SPECIALIST
334-445-2866 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360 MAY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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O R Y
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $200 Reg. Rate $60/Month
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead.
Find The Differences Answers 1. Flag Is blowing different direction 2. Shirt is a different color 3. Top of one building has an ornament 4. One Trash can is missing 5. One palm tree is larger LAWNMOWER REPAIR
D&D 231 LAWN MOWER REPAIR & PARTS 334-774-1226 Durwood & Diane Smith 4322 Hwy. 231 South Ozark, AL Just Past Mile Marker 40 Across Hwy. 231 from Grace Baptist Church
PROPANE
B
20 lb. Propane Cylinder Refill
OZARK
Buy 5 - Get 1 FREE
U
No other discounts apply - No partial fills
OZARK/FORT RUCKER KOA RV CAMPING • RV SUPPLIES • PROPANE FT RUCKER 2414 N. US Hwy 231 3.3 Miles N of McDonalds @ MM47
S
334-774-3219 SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE
I
DERRELL’S
N
PARTS FOR ALL BRANDS OF SEWING MACHINES & VACUUM CLEANERS
SEWING & VACUUM CENTER
2507 MONTGOMERY HWY. AZALEA PLAZA DOTHAN, AL
334-794-0824
E
SWIMMING POOLS
S Let Sunshine Make Your Pool Sparkle!
S
D
Maintenance & Monthly Cleaning 334-618-6310 or 334-618-5006
Put Your Message In This Size Business Directory Ad For 4 Months For Only
$100
I
THRIFT STORE
Bill & Pats THRIFT STORE
R E
347 N. Merrick Ave. Ozark, AL 36360
C ACCEPTING DONATIONS
Clothes, Furniture, Electronics, Glassware, Books, Tapes, Jewelry, etc.
T
FREE PICKUP
334-774-6954
O R Y
Thanks for shopping with us. We really do appreciate your business.
TREE SERVICE
CALL
Do you need that tree cut or trimmed in your yard?
TREE SERVICES, FREE Estimates / Bonded & Insured
Shane Crooks
334-774-0794
MAY 2014 I once had a life, and then some idiot came up to me and said to get facebook NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
30
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.
Six essential qualities that are the key to success: Sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom, charity. ~ William Menninger
NEW LOCATION
Across 1. Numbers pro, briefly 4. Like some doors 8. National Zoo creatures 14. Dada painter Jean 15. The Olympic rings, e.g. 16. Kiss a lot 17. Toddler's ritual 18. "___-Team" (Mr. T's old squad) 19. Pizza slice portion, often 20. Ear adornments 23. Last word of Gilligan's theme song 24. Bambinos 25. A drop in the ocean? 28. Triangular 32. Outstanding 34. Harmless cartridge 36. Bird in a crazy simile 37. Green around the lobes 43. In --- of (replacing) 44. Frightfully strange 45. Forget 48. Pigeon coop 53. Grafton's '-- for Lawless' 54. Shock 56. Saying with a mystical meaning 57. Oahu ocean gems 61. Hideout 64. Person of action 65. Beyond tipsy 66. Dreamboat of myth 67. Vase-shaped jug 68. Hurricane heading: Abbr. 69. Left behind unintentionally 70. Criticizes, slangily 71. Lilliputian Down 1. Unposed photo 2. High acclaim 3. Shock 4. Deep-voiced songstress 5. Poet Keats
6. Ancient 7. Cook the standing ribs 8. False; sham 9. Ringed by 10. Nutmeg-flavored drinks 11. Simpson's interjection 12. Be in a cast? 13. Admonition to a cell phone user in a theater 21. Held a conference 22. Stein relative 25. Jet-black, poetically 26. Keep a web journal 27. Uncle ___ (rice brand) 29. Legal eagle org. 30. Obama's state: Abbr. 31. Concerto's extended solo passage 33. Will Smith title role 35. Born, in Marseilles 37. End of the year, for some 38. Attire that's not for the modest 39. Ribbon-like fish 40. Street, to Magritte 41. 2014 World Cup final site 42. Amp (up) 46. Samuel Barber movement "for Strings" 47. Least trained 49. Time worth remembering 50. Shore bird 51. One way to shop 52. Guinea pig 55. Down-yielding duck 57. Like some paintings and juries 58. Corn-growing state 59. Nestling's sound 60. Fails, in a way 61. British bomber grp. 62. Tokyo, once 63. The "F" in FYI
Compassionate care with dignity and respect Available 24 Hours
SALE MAY 2014 If you don’t control your attitude, then it will control you. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
31
KATE TAYLOR REALTY
See These Homes and all our listing at www.TaylorRealtyOnline.com
106 South Main Street • Brundidge, Alabama 334-735-9500 • 1-800-735-3395
21 McElwain Street, Clio, Al is just a well keep home. It has 2 BR, 1BA, family & dining combo, kitchen & carport. There is a utility building with concrete floor for washer & dryer just outside the kitchen. The home has a red metal roof with painted exterior a light tan. The property is surrounded by a chain link fence with a white picket fence in front. Well landscaped yards. PRICE AT ONLY $57,900.
This 1743 Sq. Ft. CHA home on 2 lots in Brundidge has 4 BR and 2 full baths. Nice concrete table with benches for outdoor cookouts. Azaleas and dogwood trees. A lot of neighborhood charm. 2 car carport, bird bath. All kitchen appliances remain. 2 Storage buildings.
Priced at $89,900 Call Kate Today!
Safely Work out at your convenience!
Ozark’s only locally owned Center Fitness
345 Merrick Ave. Downtown Ozark MAY 2014 Sign-Up Hours Mon - Thur 9-7 & Fri 9-5 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
32