DECEMBER 2013 Issue 65
CAMO, CAMO & MORE CAMO
SHOP THE PROS AT MP SURPLUS OUTDOORS
MP SURPLUS
HUGE SELECTION OF ITEMS NOW ON SALE!
BROWNING, MUCK, TIMBERLAND & ROCKY HUNTING & WORK BOOTS RED ROCK HUNTING ACCESSORIES, GAME FEEDERS, TREE STANDS, KNIVES, FLASHLIGHTS & MUCH , MUCH MORE !!
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2
PINCKARD, AL.
Don’t resent growing old, many are denied that privilege.
Protect your world
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Mark Goodson (334) 347-3333 804Bollweevil Circle Enterprise a049146@allstate.
Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.
My kids have perceived the bathroom as a place to wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. Erma Bombeck
Harbin Jewelers (State Certified Scales)
DECEMBER 2013 In an argument, the best weapon to hold, is your tongue! NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
3
It's not WHAT we are handed in life, but how we handle it!
MAILING ADDRESS PARRISH PUBLISHING P.O. BOX. 681 • OZARK, AL 36361
334.379.7603 LaughsandLifts@live.com www.LaughsandLifts.com Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher.
95 $39ORLESS Includes: Up to 5 quarts of the oil specified by the vehicle Owner’s Manual, including dexos1 synthetic blend (at conventional oil price) for 2011 and newer vehicles and an ACDELCO oil filter for the $39.95 EVERYDAY VALUE PRICE.
Laughs&Lifts is published on or near the first of every month and is distributed throughout the Wiregrass area of Alabama and mailed to subscribers anywhere in the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Laughs&Lifts to P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographic errors or omissions. DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
4
January 1 - December 31�� 2013
To qualify for the price match guarantee, the tire must be the exact same brand and line as GM’s eligible tire brands.
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The shortest sentence is “I am”. The longest is “I do!”
Life is a coin, you can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once"
NEED HOLIDAY CASH? 334-585-5757 Kim, Manager
Trellis, Asst. Mgr.
ABBYVILLE, AL
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own two eyes? DECEMBER 2013 Groucho Marx NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
5
Eyes of Ozark
OPTICAL
NOW OPEN IN OZARK
ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS
Mon. - Thurs. 8 am - 5 pm Closed 12-1 Fri. 8 am - Noon
Call us for your end of year benefits, and all your eye care needs.
Dr. Tammy Wallace ptometrist 334-445-EYES (3937) 1234 Andrews Ave. Suite E Ozark, AL 36360 ALSO SEEING PATIENTS IN ENTERPRISE AT
OPTICAL
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Enterprise
334-393-2020 812 EAST LEE ST
Just Great! I finally get a genuine idea and someone else thought of it first.
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
COMMON PHRASES
1. Shifting Gears 2. Sidesplitting Laughter 3. Temporary Setback 4. Sitting on Top of the World 5.Eye Chart 6.Cryin' Shame
A Sign of the Times As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
What falls but doesn’t break, & what breaks but doesn’t fall? NIGHT AND DAY
HWY 123 S. AT THE INTERSECTION OF HWY 84 WICKSBURG, ALABAMA 334-726-3278 OR 334-726-3277
Save money, Live Better.
Walmart I distinctly remember forgetting that!
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
7
Every sunrise is God’s greeting…the sunset is his signature. Mellowing Mom I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
We Aim To Please 9 - 5:30 Mon - Sat
COME SEE OUR NEW SHOWROOM 1229 E. Hwy 134 Pinckard, AL 36371
Little Johnny Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
COWBOY JOE Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. • "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. •"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. •"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. • "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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God Please Heal Our Nation.
LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY SUEDE-LEATHER-FURS
774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
Monday-Friday 6-5 Saturday 6-12
The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.
I washed a sock. Then put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.
The Dan Barefield Family & Southern Installation Cabinet Shop Wishes You and Your Family A Merry Christmas & Prosperous New Year
FREE In Home Estimates
Cell 334.726.3459 Office 334.774.9579
INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery
Wish All of You A Very Merry Christmas & A Prosperous & Happy 2014 Susan Langley, Owner 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL
334-792-0044 1-800-598-0045 www.IngramMemorial.com
“I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Work Place Accident A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches." "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer. "Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It only has one number in it…4-1-1
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
AS M T S I R H C Y R R Y L ME I M A F R U O M O FR S R U O Y TO 482 S. Union Ave. OZARK 774-9345 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. ENTERPRISE 393-0503 270 Ross Clark Cir. DOTHAN 794-8521 2606 Ross Clark Cir, DOTHAN 792-1195 177 Hwy. 231 N. TROY 566-3413
SUDOKO 1
SUDOKU 2
SOLUTION ON PAGE 27
As pet owners ourselves, we have been faced with the devastating decision about what to do with our pet’s remains as well as learning to cope with the loss. We discussed with our vet the different options and found that having our pet cremated was what we wanted to have done. Having been through this experience and with our knowledge of operating a crematory led us to purchasing our own pet crematory and providing a service that any pet owner could appreciate. Our separate pet crematory will allow us to offer cremation services exclusive to your pet. Owners: Whether you have an immediate need for our services or you are Terry G. & Terri Lynn Sorrells planning for a decision you will have to make for your pet in the future, 4550 Boll Weevil Circle, we understand how saying good-bye to your pet can be very difficult. Suite 2 East Enterprise Pet Crematory is committed to helping you through this sad Enterprise, Alabama 36330 time in your life.
334•347•0373 EnterprisePetCrematory.com
“BECAUSE YOUR PET LOVED YOU”
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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When you don’t know what your doing, do it neatly.
When they tossed the bouquet at the hypochondriac wedding everybody caught something.
The Polls are In, and the Pols are Out:
That Special Gift and Arrangement Is Here! 228 South Union Avenue Ozark, AL
During the politically motivated government “shutdown,” the leftleaning Public Policy Polling surveyed Americans to see what they thought of Congress in general. The legislators didn’t fare very well, with only an 8 percent favorable rating. Voters reported they felt significantly more “support” for hemorrhoids than Congress. Other things they preferred over Congress included jury duty, the Department of Motor Vehicles, witches, toenail fungus, cockroaches, and dog poop. But lawmakers can take heart: they scored higher than Russian President Vladimir Putin, New York Mayoral candidate (and unstoppable sexter) Anthony Weiner, and, of course, “twerking.” (RC/USA Today) ...The last two being more or less the same thing.
We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. DECEMBER 2013 Ronald Reagan NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
11
I'd say my other car is a limousine, but that would be a stretch.
Christmas Cookies Chocolate Cookie Turtles By: NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE
1 1/2 minutes; stir. Microwave at additional 10- to 15-second intervals, stirring until smooth. Drizzle over turtles.
Ingredients ● 1 2/3 cups (about 100) shelled pecans ● 1 pkg. (16.5 oz.) NESTLÉ® TOLL HOUSE® Refrigerated Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ● 20 caramels, unwrapped ● 2 tablespoons milk
Directions PREHEAT oven to 375° F. SOAK pecans in water for 5 minutes. Arrange 5 pecans on ungreased baking sheets (1 for head, 4 for legs), leaving about a 1-inch circle in center. SHAPE slightly rounded tablespoons of cookie dough into balls; place over circle onto pecans. Repeat with remaining pecans and dough, placing turtles two inches apart on baking sheets. BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until edges are crisp. Cool on baking sheets on wire racks for 1 minute; remove to wire racks to cool completely. MICROWAVE caramels and milk in medium, microwave-safe bowl on HIGH (100%) power for
Almond Gingerbread Cookies BY: MCCORMICK
Ingredients Makes 5 dozen ● 3 cups flour ● 2 teaspoons McCormick® Ginger, Ground ● 1 teaspoon McCormick® Cinnamon, Ground ● 1 teaspoon baking soda ● 1/4 teaspoon McCormick® Nutmeg, Ground ● 1/4 teaspoon salt ● 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter, softened ● 3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar ● 1/2 cup molasses ● 1 egg ● 1 teaspoon McCormick® Pure Vanilla Extract ● 1 1/3 cups sliced almonds
Gluten Free Products ● Kangen Alkaline Water ● ●
Nature’s Sunshine Products Dairy Free Products
● Hallelujah Acres Products ● Health & Diet Books ● Organic Foods
334-673-2444 1901 Wise Dr., Off Ross Clark Circle, Dothan, AL Always Open Online At www.ShopHealthConcepts.com DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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COUNTRY HOME IN THE SKIPPERVILLE SCHOOL DISTRICT. LOCATED IN THE ECHO COMMUNITY. LARGE DEN WITH 4 BEDROOMS AND 2 BATHS. ALSO HAS A FENCED BACK YARD. PRICED FOR A QUICK SELL. LANDSCAPED WITH BANANA AND FIG TREES. NICE COVERED FRONT PORCH. QUITE PEACEFUL! 1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY
“If Love Is Not The Answer, Then I Misunderstood The Question"
"Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear." - Mark Twain
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT IS FIXED. ALL THE WINNERS ARE FROM EARTH!
Ask Dave
Logan’s All Pro Tint • Tire & Accessories
Auto Repair Facility
Tips for Surviving Christmas Financially By Dave Ramsey
1. It’s not an emergency. Christmas is not an emergency, it happens every year. Don’t use this as an excuse to overspend and buy things you can’t afford. 2. Make a Holiday Budget. Make a list of everyone you are buying a gift for, and put a dollar amount by every name. Total it at the bottom. This is your Christmas budget. You can also check out www.mychristmasbudget.com, a free online budgeting tool to help you easily keep the holidays from wrecking your finances. 3. Pay cash. Put the total from your budget in an envelope, and when the cash is gone stop spending. This will help keep you on budget because if you overspend on Aunt Sue, Uncle Harry won’t get a gift! 4. Avoid debt. If you’re running a little short on cash, talk to your family about spending expectations. Draw names, set price limits or get creative. Whatever you do, don’t go into debt. It’s not worth it!
EDDIE & PHYLLIS WISH YOU A VERY BLESSED CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
171 North Union Ave. Ozark, Alabama
334-774-0059
*Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 6 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations. Follow Ramsey on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.
DECEMBER 2013 KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE…HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst. ~ Willaim Penn The Background Check Bounced: When the state of New Hampshire hired Suki L. Handly in 2008 to help distribute welfare benefits in the Manchester region, they thought she was quite qualified. But when state auditors started noticing discrepancies in the books nearly five years later, they were shocked to discover that in 2010 Handly had been not only arrested, but pleaded guilty to charges of stealing more than $44,000 of state money to support a drug habit. Handly, then 35, was allowed to resign, and didn’t get any jail time. Through it all, state officials weren’t notified of the criminal cases; it is required by law that auditors be notified of such arrests so they can determine how much money was lost. State legislators are also upset, since they weren’t told of the case either. When officials finally looked into Handly’s background, they discovered that she had a previous criminal record with convictions for prostitution, drug violations, and larceny. (RC/Hartford Courant) ...Ah, then she was actually only qualified to be a politician.
Faithful With Much? At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
Shopping around for car insurance? Auto-Owners Insurance offers broad, flexible Protection for your car and you! Choose from a Variety of programs designed to fit your needs. We Also have many discounts available such as Multi-policy, multi-car and good student discount.
762-9837
Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Avenue Ozark, Alabama 36360
334-774-7177 Sammy Judah
Donna Shuman
Call an Ambulance, Not Google Cops: Man Found Dead in Car Had Just Googled His Symptoms. WWJ Detroit Headline
A PROVERB IS A SHORT SENTENCE BASED ON A LONG EXPERIENCE
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you’re born and doesn’t stop until you stand up to speak in public.
NOW ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS
(334) 774-1380 Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry 126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 www.dalemedical.org
Don’t Give Up What You Want Most, For What You Want Now.
Dale Medical Center is a BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD OF ALABAMA
“Community People, Quality Healthcare, Right Where You Need Us!” ● Quality Care ● Over 75 Years Experience Skilled Nursing ● Over 25 Years Certified Home Health Aides ● Physical & Speech Therapy ● Medical Social Worker Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry
TIER 1 HOSPITAL Through the tiered network, Alabama hospitals are categorized into one of three “tiers” based on their performance in three primary areas of interest: quality awareness, patient safety awareness and financial awareness. Hospitals designated as “Tier 1” are recognized as having attained the highest level of compliance in these areas.
(334) 774-0750 126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, Al 36360 www.dalemedical,org DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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CHRISTMAS BECAME A NATIONAL HOLIDAY IN THE US IN 1890
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the last five years she has been playing my ex-girlfriend.
Dale Medical Center Outpatient Diabetes Education/Training & Nutrition Services Right Where You Need It! This program is recognized by the American Association of Diabetes Educators (AADE) as meeting national standards for diabetes education. Classes are taught by experienced diabetes educators who are registered nurses and registered dietitians. Individual and Group Classes focus on the AADE 7 Self-Care Behaviors: ● Monitoring ● Healthy Eating ● Daily Activity ● Healthy Coping ● Problem Solving ● Risk Reduction ● Medications Dale Medical Center’s Outpatient Diabetes & Nutrition Services Program accepts Medicare and most insurance plans when diabetes education is recommended by your physician. Please, ask your physician for a referral.
Dale Medical Center
126 Hospital Avenue
Double negatives are a no-no!
Ozark, Alabama 36360
Dalemedical.org
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Crossing the Road There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
Actual Letter from SC Dept of Social Services Your benefits will be stopped effective next month because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
The Problem With Jury Duty Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said. "But I filled them out last year," she replied. "You have to fill them out every year." "Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
Today I broke my personal record of consecutive days lived.
NEXT DOOR TO THE KANGAROO ON 231 S. 4074 Hwy 231 South Ozark , AL
334-445-3655 BREAKFAST FOR TWO ONLY PLENTY OF STOCK AND MORE COMING IN DAILY. SELLING DUE TO HEALTH REASONS. FOR MORE INFORMATION PLEASE CALL 334-774-6954 DAYTIME OR 334-733-0078 NIGHTTIME. DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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6.99
$
2 Eggs, Bacon, or Sausage Grits, Toast, Jelly for 2 Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.
2 EGG BREAKFAST BACON OR SAUSAGE GRITS & TOAST
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Served with your choice of Potato, Tossed Salad & Texas Toast Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.
If at first you don’t succeed, try playing second base.
Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it’s been stepped on.
T IT L E LOA NS
DAY PAY NS LOA
THE HOTEL IS FULL
Is looking for outstanding advertising sales representatives for Houston, Coffee and Covington counties. 334-379-7603
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
‘Tis the season to be jolly. Wishing you a safe and joyous holiday. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.® GET TO A BETTER STATE™
CALL ME TODAY!
Jenna Mack, Agent Ozark, AL 36360 334-774-2020 jenna@jenna4auto.com 0901016.1
There will not be a Hidden Item Contest In December. Look for a NEW Contest Coming in January 2014
FLOORING
LLC
WANT NEW FLOORS FOR THE HOLIDAYS? CALL BEN BAKER TODAY!
We at Ben Baker Flooring Wish Your Family A Joyful & Blessed Christmas.
334-445-2866 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360
State Farm, Home Office, Bloomington, IL
God Loves You! Enough Said!
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON!
The Gift Thanks for the electric guitar you gave me for Christmas," little Chris Cody said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
20
Bishop’s Framing and Trophies 141 East Broad St. Ozark, AL 334.774.3784
THE CHRISTMAS FLIGHT
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
From Our Family To Yours… May the Joy of Christmas Be In Your Home, And the Peace of Jesus Christ Be In Your Life.
Danny & Mikell Bishop 334.790.0117 Tues - Fri 10 - 5 Sat 10 - 2
bishopsframingandtrophies@gmail.com
Some of it, plus the rest of it, is all of it!
33 Brackin Mill Rd. Ozark, AL (Old Ard’s Store) At Corner of HWY. 123 S.
A boy becomes a man when the mark he wants to leave on the world has nothing to do with tires.
'Deja Moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Hope is a blessing given for free day to day surely from history. Today we have choices wrong also right from our humanity that some delight. Some say Christmas is just a day made to give presents or just display.
Christmas is more than things just to view. It's a special time that God gave to you. He gave us Jesus to help us to see a life that is better and so Heavenly. Don't be so stupid that you lose your place forgiven by Jesus and saved by Grace.
Full Bathroom Boutique Organic Soaps ~ Lotions Body Butter ~ Bath Fizzies
Personal Gifts ~ Bridal Registry ~ Items for the Home Find us on Facebook
148 East Broad Street ~ Ozark, AL 36360
FIND 9 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS
WISDOM CONSISTS OF KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT YOU K NOW.
Answers on page 30
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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What was Captain Hook’s name when he had two hands? Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve
Late Again? "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked." Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Dad's crack! "Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"
NEW LOCATION
SALE “Here’s what’s surprising about making sense of your life in God’s story: the story is not about you—it’s about him. He is both the author and the main character, and he has written you into his story to say something about him.” - Mike Wilkerson, Redemption
DOTHAN NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES
334-699-4122 1890 Montgomery Hwy. Dothan, AL 36303
Tim Stafford, Owner
If money did grow on trees, Autumn would be the best DECEMBER 2013 season ever. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web. Praying for Overtime
Sedation Dentistry
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.” “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” he said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”
Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dental treatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. Sedation Dentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensive amount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal for patients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offers anxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxed state. though fully responsive. It means something even more important, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt or remembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, you are well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.
Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry 2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL 334-673-7440 DothanCosmeticDentistry.com
NEW EXPANDED LUNCH BUFFET AND SALAD BAR Open 7 days a week for lunch! OPEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SERVING SHRIMP & CATFISH BUFFET $11.50 Includes Tea
My pillow is my hair stylist.
If I don't clean my home soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial.
Mentoring An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." , he said The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!"
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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"How do you know if you are a servant? By how you react when someone treats you as one."
CROSSWORD LEVEL EASY Across 1. Toward the stern 4. Contaminate 10. "Get on the __, forget about us" .... 11. "Charlie's Angels" star, Diaz 12. Bordeaux vineyard 13. String instrument 14. Penpoint 16. Tick, e.g. 19. Actress, Moore 23. Amusing stories in song 25. Protection 26. Something that is obviously correct 27. Atlanta time 28. Mammals, etc 34. Wine color 37. Rosie to Donald? 38. Bigheadedness 39. Core 40. What you don't ask a woman
Down 1. Alphabet start 2. Winter wear
3. Huge wave 4. South ___ , state (abbr.) 5. Large bird 6. ___ canto (singing style) 7. Exist 8. Costa del ___ 9. Wind direction 11. Volume expression 15. Spring flower 16. Crack 17. Minor player 18. ___ com 19. Roman for God 20. Republic on the Red Sea 21. More, in Madrid 22. School of thought 24. Urge 28. "Go on ..." 29. Born name intro 30. Devilkin 31. NY opera 32. Hair color 33. ____ pendens 35. Prod 36. The buck stops here
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the smokin’ hole DEER PROCESSING WE PROCESS DEER ONE AT A TIME! WE DON’T MIX ANY MEAT! YOUR HARVEST IS YOUR DINNER! Stephen Hanners 334-379-9112 Wanda Hanners 334-379-6233
1329 County Road 53 Skipperville, AL 36374 DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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FOR EVERY ACTION, THERE IS A CORRESPONDING OVER REACTION
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT THE SOUTH BUT NO ONE RETIRES AND MOVES UP NORTH!
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his past October my oldest son Jason and I went up to North Georgia to hike some of the Appalachian Trail. Jason turned thirteen and I wanted to do something that was a challenge. We did 18 miles and it took us two days to do that. I was right it was a challenge. It wasn’t the distance but the steep climbs we had to do. It was rugged but fun. It was a journey that we need to go on. Jason and I learned a lot about ourselves in those two days. Jason learned some lifelong lessons that he will never forget. It taught us not to give up no matter how hard the climb or how rough the trail was getting. We could not give up. It hurt and it was demoralizing sometimes but we pressed on. The experience, the time we spent together, and the views were all worth the pain and suffering. Isn’t life like that? Aren’t we all are on this journey we call life? Jesus said take up your cross and follow me. Your cross is your burdens, your pain and your suffering. Jesus knew it wasn’t going to be easy. We are all caring our crosses whether we like it or not. We are caring our burdens and our pain. We are experiencing deep valleys and hard climbs and rough trails. Yet some of us are doing it alone. The people that are doing it alone are walking blindly and don’t know where they are going in life. They have no direction. My friend that is why Jesus said follow me. He knew you were going to have hard times any way. You need to pick up your cross and follow Jesus. He knows the way. He is our compass. The experience, the time you spend with Him and the views on those mountain tops are well worth it. You can look back and see the deep valleys Jesus brought you through and you can see where you are going with Him. You will learn lesson that will last for eternity. Take up your cross and follow Jesus!! Don’t quit it only gets better from here. I’m T.J. with Trails to God’s Great Outdoors. Get outside and enjoy God’s creation. I’ll see you on the trail!!
DECEMBER 2013
Narcissists are people filled with self-pretty. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
Perception
By Wallace Kennedy, Jr The way you think about or understand someone or something will influence your emotions, motivation and your perception will become your reality. Faith is that which we believe or trust to be real, we know without a corresponding action faith is dead being alone, so than “faith is validated (tested to genuine) when we act on what we believe”. Our perception is very VITAL to our receiving from God. Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please God: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. · When you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. Mark 11:24. (Can you visualize/perceive yourself in what you are asking?) · For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7
· Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 · For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34 · A man's belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; Proverbs 18:20 · We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written , I believed , and therefore have I spoken ; we also believe , and therefore speak ; 2 Corinthians 4:13 And Jesus said unto them, But whom say ye that I am? And Peter answereth and saith unto him, Thou art the Christ. Mark 8:29 If you perceive that Jesus is the Anointed Son of God, and that He died for our sins, and by His shed blood we are reconciled, redeemed unto God you can be saved right now. Believe what God believes about you. Say what God says about you and have an expectation of every promise God has promised you, the world you live in will never be the same.
Plus Tax SHIPPED FREE IN USA
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast Food!!
Its good to have MONEY and the things that money can buy, as long as you make sure you don’t lose the things money can’t buy.
ASK DR. GAUNT
SUDOKU 1 SOLUTION
“Your Hometown Dentist”
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t's hard to believe that December is here and we're going to be wrapping up this year and the presents before we know it! I've had a great response to the "tough decisions" series of articles you've been reading the past several months. I believe it helps to hear that others are having to face the same decisions about dental care that you may also have. I had a reader that came in a couple weeks ago with a tough decision to make. She was depressed about the apparent conclusion that she was going to need to have her last few teeth removed and have a full set of dentures made. The teeth she had were good, but she was an unsuccessful temporary partial wearer. We talked about the possibility of saving her teeth and making a couple nice snap-in partials so that she could be a successful partial wearer! The joy of hope was wonderful to see as her outlook changed when she realized that she actually could keep her teeth!
SUDOKU 2 SOLUTION
I hope that you all have a great holiday season full of hope and joy! Until next year, Health and Happiness! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com
YOU DO!
CROSSWORD SOLUTION
&
30,000 POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! Reach Them With This size ad in Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine.
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334-379-7603 Beware of half truths . . . you may get the wrong half.
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RESEARCH IS WHAT I’M DOING WHEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.
AIR CONDITIONING
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S I N
334-774-6533
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R 305 Newton Avenue Ozark, AL 36360
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ARMY-NAVY STORE
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WE BUY CARS 445-1460
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Appliance
DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
AUTO/PARTS-REPAIR-SALES
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Don't weep for things which cant weep for you !
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quiet respectable.
FLOORING
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CAMPGROUNDS
U S CHECK PRINTING SERVICE
I N Business Check Printing Services 322 Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL
334.379.7603
FLOORING Wood ~ Ceramic ~ Carpet TILE SHOWER SPECIALIST
334-445-2866 936 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, AL 36360
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FLOORING
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CLEANERS AND LAUNDRY
• 646 US Hwy 231 North • Ozark
FLYING INSTRUCTION
D COSMETICS/MARY KAY
LEARN TO FLY FLIGHT INSTRUCTION & INTRO FLIGHT AERIAL PHOTOGRAPHY - SIGHT SEEING - AIRCRAFT RENTAL
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334-790-6511 shortfinalaviation.com Learn2aviate@gmail.com
E DAYCARE CENTERS
GOLF COURSE
Noah’s Ark
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774-4447
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Daycare & Learning Center 1962 Skipperville Road Ozark, AL ELECTRICIANS
Tyre Electrical & Plumbing “Specializing in Services Calls of All Types” 30 Years Experience! Licensed, Insured & Bonded
334.774.5194
LLC
O R Y
HOME IS WHERE YOU HANG YOUR @
815 Country Club Dr. Ozark, AL.
774-3333
THIS SIZE AD ALPHABETIZED BY BUSINESS CATEGORIES 4 MONTHS FOR $100 Reg. Rate $35/Month DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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CONGRESS TEND TO MAKE LAWS FOR OTHERS & EXCEPTIONS FOR THEMSELVES.
HANDY MAN SERVICES
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SELF STORAGE & U-HAUL
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E IC V R E S N A M Y D N A H A&A S INSURANCE Sammy Judah ~ Donna Shuman Call or visit us today!
ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Ave. ~ Ozark, Al. 36360
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Mini Warehouse & U-Haul Truck & Trailer Rentals We Sell Boxes & Moving Supplies
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6541 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Al 36360 Near the East Gate of Ft. Rucker
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SEWING MACHINES SALES & SERVICE
334-774-7177 INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES
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DERRELL’S
SEWING & VACUUM CENTER
PARTS FOR ALL BRANDS OF SEWING MACHINES & VACUUM CLEANERS
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2507 MONTGOMERY HWY. AZALEA PLAZA DOTHAN, AL
334-794-0824
THRIFT STORES
Office: 334-733-5549 or 251-359-0402 LAWN MOWER REPAIR
D I
TREE SERVICE
CALL
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FREE Estimates / Bonded & Insured
Shane Crooks
334-774-0794
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1. Overhead Sign is different 2. Stars on flag are different 3. Boys T-shirt is different 4. Number of Fence Bars is different 5. Truck on mound is missing 6. Points on Liberty are different 7. Boys Black & White Tee is different 8. Boy with gray shirt is closer 9. Windows in back wall are different
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TREE SERVICES,
Find The Differences Answers
R DECEMBER 2013 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
or trimmed in your yard?
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O
PROPANE
Do you need that tree cut
YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD MOUSE NEW CLICKS!
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
SUBMIT YOUR FUNNIEST JOKE OR STORY, UPLIFTING ARTICLE OR ANY ORIGINAL POEM TO BE CONSIDERED FOR PUBLICATION IN LAUGHS&LIFTS BY EMAIL ONLY TO: EDITOR@LAUGHSANDLIFTS.COM We will read and consider all submissions, however, NO guarantee is implied that your submission will be published. If your original writing is published, you will be given full credits for the writing.
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. DECEMBER 2013
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR
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