January 2014 laughs&lifts by Roger Parrish

Take One Home and Please Patronize the Sponsors.

JANUARY 2014 Issue 66

Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire ~ Dale Carnegie

SUBMIT YOUR FUNNIEST JOKE OR STORY, UPLIFTING ARTICLE OR ANY ORIGINAL POEM TO BE CONSIDERED FOR PUBLICATION IN LAUGHS&LIFTS BY EMAIL ONLY TO: EDITOR@ LAUGHSANDLIFTS.COM

We will read and consider all submissions, however, NO guarantee is implied that your submission will be published. If your original writing is published, you will be given full credits for the writing.

Laughs&Lifts Laughs& Subscription Great Gift for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Pastor, Out of Area Friends or Yourself! $30 for 1 year (12 issues) $50 ($25 ea.) For 2 or more years Or 2 or more subscriptions Send name(s) address & check to Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Family Magazine is the most unique magazine around… providing laughter in clean jokes & cartoons, & encouragement through uplifting articles based firmly in God’s Word, plus Crosswords, Sudoku, Recipes, Puzzles & More A one of a kind advertising venue for your business! Call Roger Parrish for Advertising

334-379-7603 Doubt not your wife`s wisdom,------– look who she married. !!

A capitalist is determined to provide their own success, a socialist expects success to be provided for them!

THE ESTATE Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown" The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property." Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."

God has no phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

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JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6ďż˝ďż˝ YEAR

Your heart can break, your soul can ache, your confidence can shake, your smile can be fake, but your life is never a mistake. Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Laughs&Lifts is published on or near the first of every month and is distributed throughout the Wiregrass area of Alabama and mailed to subscribers anywhere in the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Laughs&Lifts to P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 While Laughs&Lifts tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our clients advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor

availability, typographic errors or omissions.

Protect your world Auto-Home Life-Retirement

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Mark Goodson (334) 347-3333 804Bollweevil Circle Enterprise a049146@allstate.

Putting our community in Good Hands® for over 30 years. Insurance subject to terms, qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Insurance Company, Allstate Vehicle and Property Insurance Company. Life insurance and annuities issued by Lincoln Benefit Life Company, Lincoln, NE, Allstate Life Insurance Company,Northbrook, IL, and American Heritage Life Insurance Company, Jacksonville, FL. In New York, Allstate Life Insurance Company of New York, Hauppauge, NY. Northbrook, IL. © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

My favorite thing about winter?

When it’s over.

EW YEAR EW LOCATION!

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Coca Cola would be green if coloring weren't’ added.

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JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are.

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I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

LIVE TO BE 100 An old woman was visiting her doctor and complained about being tired and creaky all the time. "You have to expect things to start deteriorating" the doctor chided. "Besides who wants to live to be 100?" The elderly woman replied "Anyone who is 99." LAZY MEN! A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply. JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Crosby 334-774-9396 Bring in the New Year with Crosby Vision, Where “Our Focus is On You!”

Dr. Jennifer Detloff, Optometrist Comprehensive Eye Exams, Laser Surgery Evaluations, Diagnosis of Eye Disease, Retail Optical Center Glasses, Sunglasses, Contacts Most Insurances accepted

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job!

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

The starting point of all achievements is desire. Weak desire brings weak results.

Rest In Peace A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

INGRAM MEMORIAL Headstones, Vaults & Any Type of Cemetery

Susan Langley, Owner 2360 N. Range St. Dothan, AL

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water!

We Have EXTRA MONEY for You! CALL or BETTER yet Come Visit us Today!

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Kim, Manager

TITLE LOANS ~ PAYDAY LOANS ~ TAX SERVICE JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

“Any fool can know: the point is to understand.” Albert Einstein

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove & go out, It could spell disaster!

Cabinets Designed For Living

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Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.

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Reward Change A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Some chain saws have to work for a living. Whether on a farm. Or out on the ranch. No matter where there’s work to be done, the proven dependability of a STIHL is on the job.

Part of the job of a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so they can send the appropriate emergency equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, the dispatcher asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

UNNECESSARY STRESS In a relationship you need two things: trust and communication. If you have neither, then you don't have a relationship. You have a project that just creates unnecessary stress.

GET THE TOOLS YOU NEED GET

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I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember!

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

I think Santa has moved to Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

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SUDOKO 1

SUDOKU 2

SOLUTION ON PAGE 27

As pet owners ourselves, we have been faced with the devastating decision about what to do with our pet’s remains as well as learning to cope with the loss. We discussed with our vet the different options and found that having our pet cremated was what we wanted to have done. Having been through this experience and with our knowledge of operating a crematory led us to purchasing our own pet crematory and providing a service that any pet owner could appreciate. Our separate pet crematory will allow us to offer cremation services exclusive to your pet. Owners: Whether you have an immediate need for our services or you are Terry G. & Terri Lynn Sorrells planning for a decision you will have to make for your pet in the future, 4550 Boll Weevil Circle, we understand how saying good-bye to your pet can be very difficult. Suite 2 East Enterprise Pet Crematory is committed to helping you through this sad Enterprise, Alabama 36330 time in your life.

334•347•0373 EnterprisePetCrematory.com

“BECAUSE YOUR PET LOVED YOU”

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value!

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle age men!

SIGNS YOU'VE CHOSEN A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE

New Year Get Fit & Stay Fit Special

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“Where Business Begins & Industry Grows.” Call 334-774-4952 • E-mail: info@odedc.com 3269 Hwy 231 S. Ozark, AL 36360 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

1. You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. 2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. 3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. 4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. 5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. 6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once." 7. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. 8. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. 9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk For a year and a half.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell who is who.

“Baby it’s Cold Outside”

Aunt T’s

Chicken Soup

Kitchen

cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Reduce heat. Add cream cheese; cook and stir until melted. Yield: 4 servings.

Cream Cheese Chicken Soup Ingredients ·

1 small onion, chopped

1 tablespoon butter

3 cups chicken broth

3 medium carrots, cut into 1/4-inch slices

2 medium potatoes, peeled and cubed

2 cups cubed cooked chicken

2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

Salt and pepper to taste

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

1 cup milk

1 package (8 ounces) Cream Cheese, cubed

Ingredients

Directions ·

Lemon Chicken Soup

In a large saucepan, saute onion in butter. Add the broth, carrots and potatoes. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 15 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add the chicken, parsley, salt and pepper; heat through. Combine flour and milk until smooth; add to the vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil;

1 can (11-1/2 ounces) condensed chicken with rice soup, undiluted

1 can (10-3/4 ounces) condensed cream of chicken soup, undiluted

2-1/4 cups water

1 cup diced cooked chicken, optional

1 to 2 tablespoons lemon juice

Pepper to taste

Minced fresh parsley, optional

Directions ·

In a large saucepan, combine soups and water; cook until heated through. Add the chicken if desired. Stir in lemon juice and pepper. Garnish with parsley if desired. Yield: 4-5 servings.

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$150,000 CALLING ALL HUNTERS!!!!!! THERE IS SOME BIG GAME HERE. THIS PROPERTY HAS TWO SPRINGS. 12 ACRES ARE PLANTED IN HAY UNDER THE NRCS PROGRAM. LOTS OF TIMBER BEAUTIFUL OPEN PASTURE LAND. THERE IS A 1994 MANUFACTORED HOME 16X80 THAT GOES WITH THE PROPERTY 3/2 SOLD AS IS 1280 E. Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL RESIDENTIAL • COMMERCIAL LOTS/LAND • MULTI-FAMILY

All work & no play, will make you the boss.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris!

“Baby it’s Cold Outside”

Aunt T’s

Chicken Soup

Kitchen

Chicken Tortellini Soup Ingredients ·

7-3/4 cups chicken broth

1 can (14-1/2 ounces) stewed tomatoes, cut up

1 package (10 ounces) frozen chopped spinach, thawed

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1 package (9 ounces) refrigerated cheese tortellini

2-1/2 cups cubed cooked chicken

Chicken Lima Bean Soup Ingredients 1 pound dried large lima beans 1 broiler/fryer chicken (3 to 3-1/2 pounds) 3 quarts water 2 celery ribs with leaves, sliced 4 chicken bouillon cubes 2-1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon pepper 3 medium carrots, chopped 4 cups chopped fresh spinach 2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

· · · · · · · · · ·

Directions ·

In a Dutch oven, combine the beans, chicken, water, celery, bouillon, salt and pepper; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 2 hours or until beans are tender.

Remove chicken. When cool enough to handle, remove meat from bones; discard bones. Cut meat into bite-size pieces; return to pan. Add carrots; simmer for 30 minutes or until tender. Stir in spinach and parsley; heat through. Yield: 12-14 servings (3-1/2 quarts).

Directions ·

In a Dutch oven or soup kettle, combine the broth, tomatoes, spinach, Parmesan cheese, salt and pepper. Cook for 10 minutes; add the tortellini and chicken. Cook 7-9 minutes longer or until tortellini is tender. Yield: 12 servings (3 quarts).

HAVE You Considered Applying for YOUR Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already

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Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark. You may know what you’re doing but no one else does.

Ask Dave Savings and Security Dear Dave, My wife and I make about $100,000 a year. We have $63,000 in the bank, and we owe $47,000 on our home. The house is worth about $250,000, and it’s our only debt. We’d like to go ahead and pay off the house, but we’re worried about depleting our savings to that extent. What would you do? Matt Dear Matt, If I were in your situation, I’d cut a check and pay off the house. Keep in mind that by doing this we’re not saying you’ll keep your savings at that lower point. Once that mortgage payment is off your backs, you’ll be able to save more and save faster than ever! That’s my advice. Pay off the house and become completely debt-free today. You’ll still have $16,000 dollars in the bank and a six-figure income. It won’t take you long to rebuild your savings all the way back to what you had before, if that’s what you both want. You could do it in just a few months. I’m looking at this as an opportunity to achieve the kind of financial independence everyone wants but few actually have. Go for it, Matt *Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 6 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations. Follow Ramsey on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.

Auto Repair Facility AND WE DO VEHICLE LETTERING

171 North Union Ave. Ozark, Alabama

OLD ICE HOUSE LUNCH BUFFET 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM TUESDAY - FRIDAY AND SUNDAY PRIVATE PARTY ROOM AVAILABLE

www.theoldicehouserestaurant.com TAKE-OUTS & CATERING

Dr. Dyess is a graduate of Auburn University College of Veterinary Medicine. He currently resides in Ozark with his wife and daughter. He brings to Healing Hands a passion for exceptional care and demands a high standard be provided to each pet under his care.

“Your Pet. Their Health. Our Passion.”

Mon - Fri 7:30 - 5:30 Sat 8:00 - 1:30 334-774-2263 or 334-774-2264 Emergency 334-237-4289 652 West Roy Parker Road Ozark, Al. 36360

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR for one.

I can’t believe I got fired from the factory. All I did was take a few days off. FINAL EXAM The Blond reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes. In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." DING DONG TEXAS was named because of two early settlers in the town, Zulis Bell and Bert Bell, who opened a store and hired an artist, Cohn Cohen Hoover, to make a sign for it. The Bells instructed the sign painter to make a sign. Hoover painted a sign with two bells on it. Inside the bells, Hoover painted the initials of the Bell brothers. Underneath one bell he painted the word "Ding" and the word "Dong" under the other bell. Over the years, because of this sign, this community became known as Ding Dong. By the way, it is located in Bell County.

Shopping around for car insurance? Auto-Owners Insurance offers broad, flexible Protection for your car and you! Choose from a Variety of programs designed to fit your needs. We Also have many discounts available such as Multi-policy, multi-car and good student discount.

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ircle Insurance Agency 863 Andrews Avenue Ozark, Alabama 36360

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Donna Shuman

Family Bible I was mailing and old family Bible to an old friend in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," I replied.

WEDDING GOWNS & FORMALS CLEANING AND PRESERVING Boots • Belts • Hats • Caps • Gloves • Shoes

COMFORTERS AND QUILTS

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Monday-Friday 6 Saturday 6-12

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Flaming enthusiasm, backed up by horse sense and persistence, is the quality that most frequently makes for success. ~ Dale Carnegie

Dr. Cecelia Hermann, M.D. NOW ACCEPTING NEW PATIENTS

145 Katherine Ave. Ozark, Alabama 774-5116

(334) 774-1380 Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry 126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, AL 36360 www.dalemedical.org

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, But because you deserve peace.

Dale Medical Center is a BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD OF ALABAMA

“Community People, Quality Healthcare, Right Where You Need Us!” ● Quality Care ● Over 75 Years Experience Skilled Nursing ● Over 25 Years Certified Home Health Aides ● Physical & Speech Therapy ● Medical Social Worker Serving: Pike, Barbour, Coffee, Dale, Houston, Geneva, Henry

TIER 1 HOSPITAL Through the tiered network, Alabama hospitals are categorized into one of three “tiers” based on their performance in three primary areas of interest: quality awareness, patient safety awareness and financial awareness. Hospitals designated as “Tier 1” are recognized as having attained the highest level of compliance in these areas.

(334) 774-0750 126 Hospital Ave. Ozark, Al 36360 www.dalemedical,org JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Be the type of person you want to meet.

True words are not always pretty. Pretty words are not always true.

Dale Medical Center

126 Hospital Avenue

Ozark, Alabama 36360

The road to success is always under construction!

Dalemedical.org

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Life is like a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs, but it is your choice to scream or enjoy the ride.

A PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL

GOOD NEWS

A precious little girl, with two missing

teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?" As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms, Leans forward and says; "It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python weally cares ."

· · · · · · · · ·

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. They say the house didn't float very far at all. The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work. Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show. The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird. The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers. Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

''I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.''…Ronald Reagan

NEXT DOOR TO THE KANGAROO ON 231 S. 4074 Hwy 231 South Ozark , AL

334-445-3655 BREAKFAST FOR TWO ONLY

6.99

2 Eggs, Bacon, or Sausage Grits, Toast, Jelly for 2 Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

2 EGG BREAKFAST BACON OR SAUSAGE GRITS & TOAST

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Add a waffle for a $1.00

Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.

HAMBURGER STEAK, PORK CHOP or COUNTRY FRIED STEAK

Served with your choice of Potato, Tossed Salad & Texas Toast Dine In Only. With this Coupon Only. Substitutes and drinks are extra. Not Valid with any other offer.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them." "Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Is EXPANDING & is looking for Bright Individuals or Couples to start a Laughs&Lifts in these towns. Dothan, Troy, Enterprise and Andalusia. Call 334-379-7603

DOTHAN

LUVS, HUGGIES, AND DEPENDS! Ever wondered why baby diapers have brand names like “Luvs’and “Huggies” while undergarments for the elderly are called “Depends”. There is a simple explanation. When babies go to the bathroom in diapers, family members still want to “luv em” and “hug em”. When the elderly go to the bathroom in their diapers, it “depends” on who’s in the will! Math is not my best subject!

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears." "You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."

Winston Churchill

NEW & USED TIRES, TIRE BALANCING, OIL CHANGES & BRAKES

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Tim Stafford, Owner

Ashleigh’s Designs

Doubt kills more dreams that failure ever will.

NOW TAKING APPOINTMENTS Ashleigh Byars, Owner Call For An Appointment 334-718-7131 1494 Lakeview Road Ozark, Al. 36360 JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, my friend said, “I thought she wanted one of those new SUV’s.” “She did.” I said. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep.

OPEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SERVING SHRIMP & CATFISH BUFFET $11.50 Includes Tea

NEW EXPANDED LUNCH BUFFET AND SALAD BAR Open 7 days a week for lunch!

Blessed Be The Tie

A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink. As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel. He asked the man if he had something to drink. The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties. Would you like to buy one?" "No!" The first man replied. "Are you crazy? I need something to drink, not a tie!" So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina. He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it! Can I get in and get some water?" The doorman frowned at him. "Not without a tie."

NEW LOCATION

SALE

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book."

When I grow old, I’m not going to sit around knitting. I’m going be clicking my Life Alert button to see how many fireman show up..

Marriage Wake up Coffee

Sedation Dentistry Sedation Dentistry is a revolutionary way to accomplish your dental treatments without fear or anxiety. You dream…we work. Sedation Dentistry is often used during procedures that require an extensive amount of time in the treatment chair, and sedation is ideal for patients who exhibit dental phobia. Sedation Dentistry offers anxiety-free dental procedures as the patient is in a deeply relaxed state. though fully responsive. It means something even more important, a comfortable experience, so that little is felt or remembered from the dentistry procedure. When you awake, you are well rested, and your smile is healthier and more beautiful.

Geoff M. Gaunt, DMD Aesthetic General Dentistry 2431 West Main Street, Dothan, AL 334-673-7440 DothanCosmeticDentistry.com

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning." After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?" "It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

FIND 9 DIFFERENCES IN THESE PHOTOS

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." Ronald Reagan

Answers on page 30

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Secret (noun) Something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

A man at the fair is holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the table and says to the passerby, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the passerby. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the passerby as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The

man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the passerby hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The passerby said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

STAND OUT IN FULL COLOR FROM

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Those who wish to sing…always find a song!

If you don’t do a lot of stupid things when you’re young, you won’t have funny things to talk about when your old. Too Heavy A young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he cried. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My Son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." The man was filled with relief and said "Thank You, Lord," and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses. Some were so large that the tops were not even visible. He spotted a tiny cross leaning against a wall. "I will take that one, Lord," he said. The Lord replied, "My Son, that is the one you just brought in." When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are dealing with. You may consider yourself much better off than you imagined. ~Author Unknown~

Submitted by Wallace Kennedy, Jr

LAUGHTER IS INDEED THE BEST MEDICINE

The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities. So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh. Don't talk when your mouth is full of lies.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Facebook Post: Can’t wknds be longer?

Response: Yes, weekends.

CROSSWORD LEVEL EASY Across

43. Main mail center, abbr.

1. Had a meal 4. Mail carrier 7. Regret 10. Breakfast food sometimes 11. Uncooked 12. ____ with her head! 13. Back when 14. Overwhelming admiration 15. Land area 16. Cultivation 19. Puffed up 21. Not very bright 24. Dark black 26. Like ocean water 27. Strengthen the muscles 29. Flower holder 30. Curved entry area 32. Jiffy lube product 34. Dove call 35. Hockey rink surface 38. Everything 39. Banking machine 40. Criticize a lot 41. Go on a plane 42. Show grief

1. "Now I get it!" 2. You're it game 3. _____ stressed 4. Russian river 5. Bars that go into the teeth of ratchet wheels 6. Gym wear 7. Actor's job description? 8. Alien craft 9. Newt 17. Kind of tube 18. Tropical fruit 19. Ex-GI 20. Blood group system 22. "___ show time!" 23. Salon application 25. State flowers of New Mexico 28. Snapshot 31. Baby growth area 32. Clodhopper 33. Not well 36. Baseball headgear 37. ___ trip

Down

SOLUTION ON PAGE 27

Natural Bull Enhancement A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

We Have Hidden 5 Tree Frogs Throughout Ads In This Months Edition Of Laughs&Lifts

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

To Win Gift Certificates worth $100 FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: Mail the name of the 5 business’ in which You found the Tree Frogs, along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, TO: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, AL 36361 OR E-mail same to:LaughsandLifts@live.com Subject Line: TREE FROG NO PHONE CALLS Drawing Held On the 20th of the Month JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull Find All 4 Baby New Years and serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

Face Your problems…Don’t Facebook Them.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose.

e are at the end of this year and this time of year we usually give thanks for what we have and look forward to the next year. The New Year brings exciting plans and ideas. We all look at the next year and want to do things different and better. For me it is a new year of challenges and plans to be a better man, husband, and father. I thank God that he has giving me this past year to work on those things. For me it is a daily struggle to be a better man, husband, and father. I don’t always try to be that. There are days I feel defeated and lost. We get caught up in this world and in the flesh. I know I’m not the only man that struggles with this. What are some things we can do this next year to be the Godly man that we all can be?

found that a man has to first believe in himself before he can better himself in anything. Self doubt is Satan’s greatest tool to use against a man to keep him down. We all have the thought that we are not good enough. Or we are failing in our marriages. We may be failing as a father. There is always something that the devil can use to bring us down. This keeps us from growing in Christ. We have to remember that yesterday is gone and we can’t get it back. You can never change the past. We can learn from our mistakes. God is a God of grace and we need to believe that and move on to be the man that God wants us to be. You first need to believe that and believe in yourself.

What are some things we can do to start believing in ourselves? We as men need challenges in our lives and we need to overcome those challenges to build our confidence. I’m not talking about life changing challenges. I’m talking about challenges that we seek after. This is a way to build confidence and a way to build your relationship with Christ. Men don’t grow sitting on the couch. We need challenges to take on. If we don’t challenge ourselves then we won’t have what it takes to overcome the life changing challenges that are sure to come. The best way I have found is to get into the outdoors. Go on hikes that require some skill and work. Go canoeing down unfamiliar waters. Get out of your comfort zone where you are not in control. If you get out of your element and challenge yourself, it will cause you to look to God more. When you succeed in these challenges you will build your confidence. This happens every time with me. When I am successful in a challenge, I show myself that I do have what it takes to overcome difficult times that face me. These things are what a man must do to build confidence. So set goals in the next year to challenge yourself. Challenge yourself to be a better man. Bring your boys with you on these challenges and teach them they too have what it takes to be a man. Get outside and enjoy God’s great outdoors. I’m T.J. with Trails to God’s Great Outdoors. I will see you on the trail.

Walmart Save money, Live Better.

In New York City politeness has become so rare

that some people mistake it for flirtation.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

A women may be misinformed, mislead, unclear, misguided, and even downright stupid ..but she is never ever wrong.

God Will Do A New Thing In You By Wallace Kennedy, Jr

or I am about to do something new! See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19 I believe that if God says He's going to do a new thing, then it's going to have a relationship to His people—to you and to me. It's not for us to watch as spectators. The Lord wants to imprint it on our lives. He wants to take the "new thing" and work it in us, and it will be far more than just sensation or novelty. It will be abiding, durable, engendered in our life and thought. It will be something that is workable and practical for us. Be encourage today my friends, you may feel like your past is always there to remind you of your mistakes, failures and disappointments, Paul said:

…Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead (2014) Philippians 3:13. Your circumstances and difficulties may seem great, but God is greater and there is nothing too hard or impossible for God. "I am the LORD, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27. For with God nothing will be impossible. Luke 1:37 Now, stop looking back on 2013 and look forward through the eyes of God (His Word) for 2014. God is a God of second chances and new beginnings, His mercies are new every morning. Never accept the things that are tormenting in life as though they were predestined for you—they weren't. God's intended place for you, as announced over and over in His Word, is benevolently planned, with high promise and purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. God Will Do A New Thing In You! Amen

Logan’s Cleaners & Alterations Take It Up or Let It Out! Buttons, Zippers, Hems & Mending

Quality Work at Fair Prices 774-8012 618 S. Union Ave. Ozark, AL

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS EVERYTHING MUST GO! CLOTHES, FURNITURE, ELECTRONICS & MORE 334-774-6954

Plus Tax SHIPPED FREE IN USA

JANUARY 2014 Whatever your past has been, You have a spotless future. NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

Life isn’t a rehearsal. Learn to make the right decisions and happiness is yours.

ASK DR. GAUNT

SUDOKU 1 SOLUTION

“Your Hometown Dentist” Dear Readers, I have really enjoyed the opportunity to bring you these short articles in 2013 and I've especially enjoyed actually getting to know some of you this year! The past several months have been regarding tough dental decisions that you and your dentist have to make regarding your health. THIS month it was no "tough decision" to pause and to thank you, the reader and the editors of this magazine for letting me share this space with you each month this past year. I'm looking forward to "talking" with you this year. May it be a Happy and Healthy 2014 for each of you! Health and Happiness! Geoff Gaunt,DMD dothancosmeticdentistry.com

YOU DO!

SUDOKU 2 SOLUTION

CROSSWORD SOLUTION

30,000 POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! Reach Them With This size ad in Laughs&Lifts Family Magazine.

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JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR

The best part about being over 40…I did all my stupid stuff before the Internet!

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His angels will guard us all of our days..

I changed my car horn to gun shots. People get out of my way much faster now!

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1. Man’s Cap Is different 2. Flag with cross missing 3. White Flag missing 4. Hospital H is missing 5. Duck is missing 6. Skull & cross bones missing 7. Call us sign is different 8. Top floor on right is different 9. Window on left of Brick bldg. missing

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or trimmed in your yard?

PROPANE

TREE SERVICE Do you need that tree cut

Relationships are not a test, so why cheat?

”Quite frankly, she acts that way because she is not Southern. Bless Her Heart”

SUNDAY

National National National National

MONDAY

TUESDAY

Blood Donor Month Braille Literacy Month Hobby Month Soup Month

WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

4 Fruitcake Toss Day

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I’m no cactus expert but I know a prick when I see one.

JANUARY 2014 NOW IN OUR 6�� YEAR