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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
THE OUTDOORS HAS NEVER LOOKED SO GOOD
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JULY 2011
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Pay With Kisses At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.” I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that. Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel. USELESS, but interesting, trivia fact: Did you know that the first letter of every continent's name is the same as the last? AmericA, AntarcticA, EuropE, AsiA, AustraliA, AfricA. Laughter The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now! Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual?
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Himalayan! CALL 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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Laughs& Laughs &Lifts Subscription Great for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Out of Area Friends, Or Yourself.
NOW ONLY $30.00 per year (12 issues) $40.00 for 2 years (24 issues) Send name, address & check to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Things to Think About: -Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
apartments, when they're all stuck together?
-If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
-Why do banks charge you interest on Non-Sufficient Funds when all along its money they already know you don't have?
-Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
-So what's the speed of dark?
-Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? -If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? -Why are they called
-If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? -Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
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believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. -Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? -If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? -I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. CALL 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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Signs of the Times - On the desk of a kindergarten teacher:
THINK SMALL - Pawnshop sign: Please See Me At Your Earliest Inconvenience. - Sign in Office: The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own. - Sign at butcher shop: Honest scales--No Two Weighs About It. - Sign by stuffed fish on wall: If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here. - Sign on travel agency window: Please Go Away! - Sign at Cafe: Eat here and you'll never eat anyplace again! - Sign in laundry window: We do not tear your laundry with machinery, we do it by hand. - Sign in restaurant: If you are over 80 and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
123 South Court Square
PAGE 5
Ozark, Alabama
334-774-8436 OLD THINGS, NEW THINGS & EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
Ÿ Fenton Glass
Ÿ Collectibles
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MONDAY - THURSDAY 10 AM - 6 PM SATURDAY 10 AM - 2 PM CLOSED ON FRIDAY AND SUNDAY ALL CREDIT CARDS WELCOME
Sharing Our Hope (By Charles Stanley) Jesus Christ came into the world to be a substitute sacrifice for mankind. He had a powerful ministry, performed numerous miracles, and laid a strong foundation for the church. But His primary purpose was to die for our sins. Jesus' death satisfied the just demands of God, who declared that the soul who sins must die (Ezekiel 18:4). By taking our place, the Savior cleaned our hearts of sin and guilt, making us worthy to enter God's holy presence spiritually (while we are on earth) and physically (when we arrive in heaven). We have the assurance of a future with Him. And we also have hope for the present, because the Bible promises that God will protect us and provide for our needs. But the Father is not satisfied
simply with our coming to faith; He desires that we be the human expression of Christ to the world (1 Peter 2:12). God gives us the Holy Spirit, who begins the work of renewing our minds to make us like Jesus. When we follow God's Word and the Spirit's guidance, our thought life transforms from selfish to righteous. And since our thoughts are what control our attitudes and actions, those change too. When we are thinking as God does, we appear to others as confident and courageous Christians. A relationship with the Lord means not only salvation and renewal, but also a future and a hope (Proverbs 24:14). Jesus is the only "sure thing," but people cannot know that unless they learn about Him through our words and actions. Share your hope!
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
90 Days Interest Free
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www.RoadmartTire.com
Tires ~ Batteries ~ Brakes ~ Wheels ~ Exhaust Tune-ups Alignments ~ Heating & AC Oil, Lube, & Filters ~ Belts & Hoses
Commercial Location
482 S. Union Ave. Ozark, Al.
5200 Boll Weevil Cir. 270 Ross Clark Cir Dothan, Al. Enterprise, Al.
1323 Hinton Water Midland City, Al.
2606 Ross Clark Cir. 177 Highway 231 N. Troy, Al. Dothan, Al.
4718 Highway 90 E. Marianna, Fl.
334-774-9345 334-393-0503 334-794-8521 334-983-4511 334-792-1195 334-526-3413 850-526-1950
Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
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laughsandlifts@live.com
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
DALEVILLE
GARDEN CENTER 693 Hwy. 134 E. Daleville, Al.
Plants & Flowers Gardening Tools & Products Fish Bait & Tackle
Mon-Wed Thur-Fri 10-6 Saturday 9 -5
The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.” How is your golf game? "How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."
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Gitty Up-N-Go
709-4079
A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?”
JULY 2011
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Two Funny True Events Edna, is a missionary in Sierra Leone, West Africa. When she first arrived there, she was fascinated to see people wearing American T-shirts even when they didn't know what the words meant. Her biggest laugh came the day she saw a man wearing a pink shirt with an arrow pointing to his tummy with the words: "Baby on board."
One Sunday morning our pastor preached a powerful message, which his fervent young associate brought to a close with the following instructions: "Let us bow our heads, close our eyes, and sing 'Open Our Eyes, Lord.'"
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JULY 2011
PAGE 8
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied‌
Who’s The baddest Dude? One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion." A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?" The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion." This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?" With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush. As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
To Pull A Tooth A man went into a dentist and said "How much will it cost to have teeth taken out?" "$90" said the dentist " That’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" " That’s still to expensive,” said the man "If I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist " Perfect" said the man "Book my wife for next Tuesday". The End is Near A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big SPLASH! The priest and the pastor looked at each other, and they said each other. "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?'"
JULY 2011
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COUNSELING PLUS “Your Source of Comprehensive Counseling Care With a Christian Option”
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334-774-5300 0r 334-774-5219 258 S. Painter Ave. Downtown Ozark *Medicaid & Tricare require a Doctor’s Referral www.counselingplus.net
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"Put or Putt?" A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
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I'm schizophrenic and so am I. TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS IN LAUGHS AND LIFTS
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
The Hartford Retirement Village "Independent Living In A Caring Enviroment"
JULY 2011
PAGE 10
Gardening Tips From Sharon Let’s talk about composting. It is sure good
Licensed by Alabama Dept. Of Public Health
Services & Features ~Daily Chapel ~3 Delicious Home-cooked meals per day with snacks ~24 hour well trained staff ~In house beauty & barber shops ~Daily activities & social events
A non-profit Organization Owned by the community
334-588-2306
12196 E. Hwy. 52 Hartford, Alabama
DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY? ARE YOU DISABLED? Have you considered applying for Your Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already
Been Denied YOUR Benefits? WE CAN HELP! Faithworkz’ Disability Consultant Representing Clients in Disability Claims FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS!! 406 Ben St, Suite 100 (Near the Ft. Rucker Gate) Ozark, Alabama 36360 Call Or E-Mail Us For A
334-443-3000 FaithWorkzDisabilityConsultant@gmail.com
for the environment and it is free stuff, too. Composting is aerobic (with air) has no odor and is a natural process. Don’t confuse this with rotting which is anaerobic (without air) is smelly and messy. Commercial compost is generally a waste produce from their manufacturing and usually have only one ingredient. Basically you are paying them for the privilege of carrying off their waste. Backyard composting is generally better than any compost you can buy. However it does take time. To begin composting you will need to set off an area between 4 x4 or 3x3. You may put a fence around three sides or you may leave it open. You can also buy a composter which you rotate daily but that is an added expense. Be sure to start your composting with brown dried leaves or grass clippings. Even through you should moisten the compost pile the materials need to be dried before they go on the pile or they will rot. Next add cast off from your garden, crushed egg shells, coffee grounds or tea bags. Be sure to chop the materials into small pieces to speed the process along. The decomposing action is in the center of the pile so turn the outer edges of the pile into the center. Your pile should be moist but not dry or too wet. Never add diseased plants, meat or bones, grease, whole eggs, cheese or dairy products, seeds, dog or cat manure, bakery products, pest infected plants or table scraps. Go to your local farmers market and ask what they do with unsalable goods or go to your local grocers and ask for the produce trimmings to add to your pile. The more you move the pile and the finer you chop the ingredients the sooner you will have your “black gold.” Be patient and eventfully you will have the best compost around and in the meantime, you will decrease the amount of waste going to the land fill. Happy Composting, Sharon
“The one who says it cannot be done should NEVER interupt the one who is doing it”
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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It just hit me.....! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head....... I believe my dog is a member of Congress!
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**Look What's Cookin'** Ann's Restaurant, Located Just Off Very Busy Us Hwy 231 In Ozark, Is Up For Sale. Great Opportunity To Own Your Own Business; Be Your On Boss; Show Off Your Culinary Skills. Go By And Have A Bite To Eat And Take A Look At This Great Opportunity.
"Passing Along Wisdom" "Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"
AMZANIG! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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Where Did You Work Before? "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
Coffeehouse ~ Arts Center
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive." Church Social A Pastor announced that the cost to attend a special social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
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3 miles from downtown Enterprise 231 County Road 540 Call For An Appointment & Directions
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Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
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Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
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For all you non-engineers, liberal arts majors & other pseudo-geniuses who have difficulty converting units
Come in for a FREE hearing test FREE Demonstration FREE Hearing Evaluation
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Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon CALL 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis =! 1 hoarsepower 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
Laughs&&Lifts Laughs
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
334-379-7603
LaughsAnd LaughsAndLifts Lifts@live.com @live.com
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 52 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche "4 Year Old Rider" Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old." "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.
"Prison Sign Fail"
Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: "The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."
KEEP IT LOCKED “Find The Eagles” We have hidden FIVE Eagles like the ones picture here in ads throughout this edition of Laughs& Laughs&Lifts. For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes Find all 5 Eagles (Front & Back Covers Don’t Qualify) & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Submit the name of the 5 business’ where you found the 5 Eagles , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “Find The Eagle Contest”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on July 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
Aunt T’s Kitchen
JULY 2011
POTATO SALADS Patio Potato Salad
Cajun Potato Salad
Ingredients
Ingredients · · · · · · · · · · ·
5 medium red potatoes 6 cups water 3 tablespoons seafood seasoning 1 tablespoon salt 1 pound medium uncooked shrimp 1/4 cup chopped green onions 1 jar (2 ounces) diced pimientos, drained 1/2 cup mayonnaise 1 teaspoon cider vinegar 1/2 teaspoon sugar Additional salt to taste
Directions ·
·
·
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Place the potatoes in a large saucepan; add the water, seafood seasoning and salt. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 25 minutes. Add the shrimp; cover and cook for 5 minutes or until shrimp turn pink and potatoes are tender. Drain. Peel and dice potatoes. Peel and de vein shrimp; cut into pieces. In a large bowl, combine the potatoes, shrimp, onions and pimientos. In a small bowl, combine the mayonnaise, vinegar and sugar. Add to potato mixture; gently toss to coat. Season with additional salt. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving.
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1/3 cup sugar 1 tablespoon cornstarch 1 to 1-1/2 teaspoons ground mustard 1 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon celery seed 1/2 cup milk 1/4 cup vinegar 1 egg, beaten 1/4 cup butter, cubed 1/4 cup chopped onion 1/4 cup mayonnaise 7 medium red potatoes, cubed and cooked 3 hard-boiled eggs, chopped
Directions ·
In a saucepan, combine sugar, cornstarch, mustard, salt and celery seed. Stir in the milk, vinegar and egg until smooth. Add butter. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened and bubbly. Cool. Stir in onion and mayonnaise. In a large bowl, combine potatoes and hardcooked eggs. Add dressing and toss gently to coat. Cover and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.
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PAGE 15
LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
Aunt T’s Kitchen
POTATO SALADS · · · · · · ·
Warm Mustard & Dill Potato Salad Ingredients · · · · · · · · · ·
2 pounds small red potatoes 1 cup mayonnaise 1/4 cup Dijon mustard 1/2 to 3/4 cup chopped red onion 2 green onions with tops, sliced 2 garlic cloves, minced 1 1/2 tablespoons snipped fresh dill or 1½ teaspoons of dill weed 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon pepper 1/4 teaspoon lime juice
·
·
Place the potatoes in a saucepan and cover with water. Cover and bring to a boil; cook until tender, about 25 minutes. Drain thoroughly and cool slightly. Meanwhile, combine the remaining ingredients. Cut potatoes into chunks; place in a bowl. Add the mustard mixture and toss to coat. Serve warm.
·
Hot German Potato Salad
·
Ingredients · · ·
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour 1 tablespoon sugar ½ teaspoon salt ¼ teaspoon celery seed Dash pepper ½ cup water ¼ cup white vinegar
Directions
Directions ·
PAGE 15
·
4 medium boiling potatoes (1 ½ pounds) 3 slices cut into 1 inch pieces ½ cup chopped onion
Place potatoes in 3-quart saucepan; add enough water just to cover potatoes. Cover; heat to boiling. Reduce heat to low. Cook covered 30 to 35 minutes or until potatoes are tender; drain. Let stand until cool enough to handle. Cut potatoes into 1/4-inch slices. In 10-inch skillet, cook bacon over medium heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until crisp. Remove bacon from skillet with slotted spoon; drain on paper towels. Cook onion in bacon fat in skillet over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until tender. Stir in flour, sugar, salt, celery seed and pepper. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly; remove from heat. Stir water and vinegar into onion mixture. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute; remove from heat. Stir in potatoes and bacon. Heat over medium heat, stirring gently to coat potato slices, until hot and bubbly. Serve warm.
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PAGE 16
Madi’s Place
LAUGHS & LIFTS Texting for Seniors
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Mon - Fri 10 - 6 & Sat 10 - 3 110-A Hillcrest Dr. Andalusia, Al.
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JULY 2011
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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts. ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Fainted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
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CBM: Covered By Medicare CGU: Can't get up CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers FWIW: Forgot Where I Was FYI: Found Your Insulin GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! GHA: Got Heartburn Again
Wholesale Tire & Auto
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
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PAGE 17 LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LAUGHS & LIFTS
LOL: Living On Lipitor
PAGE 17
The Power of the Holy Spirit BY:
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
Elder Wallace Kennedy Jr
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas. ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up TTYL: Talk To You Louder WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again WTP: Where's The Prunes? WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
BAD WORDS!! At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons. Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me: "In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"
Slocomb, Al.
JULY 2011
The word “power” can often times be translated as great influence. Have you ever notice there is no fear going trickor treating on Halloween, selling candies and products from school, hosting a yard-sale or selling tickets for some special event? When it comes to the greatest “Gift” of all to give or share with someone, there are some difficulties that do seem to arise. A spiritual conflict rages in heavenly places as we seek to win souls. But Jesus told us that as we trust Him, rivers of living water would flow from within us. Don't be afraid of the warfare. Seek the lost at any cost and bear your witness boldly for Christ today. We have been given “The Power of the Holy Ghost”, Acts 1:8. God knew we would be weak, ashamed, afraid and somewhat reluctant to witness Christ without the Greek word dynamis, from the root-word dynamic. Jesus is returning soon, cannot you see the TIME? Acts 1:4-5, 8 And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. 5. For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence. 8. But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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"A Real Home" A REAL HOME is a playground. Beware of the house where no rough-housing is allowed and no cries of glee are heard. A REAL HOME is a workshop. Pity the child who is unfamiliar with wrenches and hammers, knitting needles, thread, screwdrivers and saws. A REAL HOME is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life's great problems belongs originally and primarily in the family circle. A REAL HOME is cooperative. Households flourish in peace when the interest of each is the interest of all. A REAL HOME is a school. Many of life's most important and lasting lessons are learned here, both early in life and later on. A REAL HOME is a temple, where people are loved and respected and where life is appreciated, in the recognition that life in all its parts is a gift of God, with our family being our personal and most precious gift. Is your home, A REAL HOME?
Painful Progress
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A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading Laughs & Lifts while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress . Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
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PAGE 19
LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
PAGE 19
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY: Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary: On next page T-SHIRT SAYINGS "60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer" "I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling " "Goodbye Tension . . . Hello Pension" - (On a baby-size shirt) "Party My Crib - Two A.M."
FAMILY MEDICAL CLINIC An Affiliate of Dale Medical Center 1519 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Alabama
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him, Mother didn't come after all." When I was a high school senior,
I saw an inspirational ad on TV about becoming a teacher. I called the number shown: 80045TEACH. After a woman answered, I babbled on about how I thought I had found my life's calling and could she send me some information. She asked me what number I was calling. After I told her, there was a long pause. Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."
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PAGE 20
LAUGHS & LIFTS
LOGANS DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY
MON. - FRI. 6 - 5 SAT. 6 - 12 618 SOUTH UNION AVENUE OZARK
774-8012 Visit loganscleaners on His Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Cold Water John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
JULY 2011
PAGE 20
To Advertise Your Business In Laughs&Lifts In Covington County
To Advertise Your Business In Laughs&Lifts In Dale, Coffee Or Other Counties
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was After spending a great evening watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY chatting the night away, John's DOWN!!!!" grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" PIZZA & SUBS His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
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PAGE 21
LAUGHS & LIFTS
Across
Down
1. Big galoot
1. Arctic native 2. The Beehive State 3. Departed. 4.Schuss, e.g. 5. Comedian Bill, informally 6. "___ bitten, twice shy" 7. Catastrophic tidal waves 8. Echo 9. Henry ___ 10. Knowing, as a secret 11. Hamlet, e.g. 13. Dreamily thoughtful 14. One way to stand by 17. Not rigidly 18. Chester White's home 22. Counting frame 23. Mr., in Mexico (pl.) 25. Forbidding 26. Moorehead of "Bewitched" 27. Peace Corps cousin 29. Temper, as metal 31. In conflict with, with "of" 32. Wolfgang ___, physicist 35. Destruction of the environment 37. ___ Minor 39. Extremely frothy 40. Reserve 45. Freight (pl.) 49. Chit51. Affectation 52. Bowl over 53. Strengthen, with "up" 54. Aims 55. June 6, 1944 (2 wd) 57. Far from ruddy 58. Heavy reading 59. "Aeneid" figure 61. ___ Grove Village, Illinois 62. ___ Dee River in North Carolina
4. Sean Connery, for one 8. All fired up 12. Above 14. Representative images 15. 1492 ship 16. Group hashing out issue before audience 19. Carbolicacid 20. Fold 21. Nutritious beans 24. Affirmative vote 25. Jefferson ___, statesman 28. Laser light 30. 50 Cent piece 33. Pointed arch 34. "Tomorrow" musical 36. Airport overseer 38. Not unduly aware of oneself 41. Abbr. after a name 42. "___ A Good Man, Charlie Brown" 43. Eyes 44. Amniotic ___ 46. Fishing, perhaps 47. Eyelashes 48. Order between "ready" and "fire" 50. Assassinated 52. Olympics no-no 56. Conceive 60. Say "Ah" tool 63. Annul 64. Corporate department 65. Jerk 66. 1987 Costner role 67. Kid 68. "Absolutely!"
JULY 2011
PAGE 21
The Difference Between the Debt and the Deficit In this age of stimulus spending and bailouts, “debt” and “deficit” are often used to describe the federal government’s financial situation. Many people use these words interchangeably, yet they have significantly different meanings. This explanation may help you understand the conversation. Budget deficit. When the federal government spends more money in a fiscal year than it collects in tax revenue, it creates a budget deficit. In the rare instances when government expenditures are less than tax revenues, the result is a budget surplus. Budget deficits have been the norm in recent decades. For example, in the past 28 fiscal years (1982 to 2010), there were only four years in which
Continued on next page
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULY 2011
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the federal government ran budget surpluses.1 National debt. How can the government spend more than it collects? By borrowing money. The total amount owed by the federal government is called the national debt. Because the federal government guarantees the timely payment of principal and interest, many individuals, corporations, state and local governments, foreign governments, and others are willing to lend their money. Although Treasury securities pay relatively low interest rates, they tend to appeal to investors seeking lower risk. There’s also quite a bit of borrowing between federal agencies. For example, Congress has long been in the habit of borrowing excess Social Security revenues. As a result, the national debt is divided into two categories: debt held by the public and intragovernmental holdings. As you can imagine, there’s considerable debate over how long the government can keep borrowing to finance spending. Regardless of how you feel about government spending, you might benefit from understanding the terminology. To schedule a Free Retirement Audit with The Retirement Team at Southern Financial Group, call 334-699-4036 or visit us online at mysoutherngroup.com. 1) Haver Analytics, 2010. Southern Financial Group is an independent firm with securities offered through Summit Brokerage Services, Inc. Member FINRA, SIPC. Advisory services offered through Summit Financial Group, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor. You should always consult your tax advisor before making any tax decisions.
Congratulations L.C. Welcome of Ozark for winning the “Find The Honey Bees” Contest in the June edition of Laughs&Lifts. Mr. Welcome won the following:
A Free oil change from Roadmart in Ozark, Free admission for 2 adults and 2 children to McClelland Zoo Critters in Banks, $25 Cleaning from Logan’s Cleaners in Ozark, 6 cupcakes from CupCakes Y’all in Enterprise and A Free Lunch from Rita’s Soul Food in Ozark
Women's language translated Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need... = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Ungratfullness An ungrateful man (woman) is like a hog eating apples under a tree- never looking up to see where they come from.
"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."
My school was so tough when the kids had their school pictures taken, there was one taken from the front and one from the side.
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PAGE 23
LAUGHS & LIFTS
"God's Beauty Tips" For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others. To lose weight, let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.
JULY 2011 PAGE 23 "You Might be a Pastor If‌"
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were. ~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist. ~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
To improve your ears, listen to the Word of God. For poise, walk with knowledge and self-esteem.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
To strengthen your arms, hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love. To strengthen your heart, forgive yourself and others.
~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire, put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth. Best of all, it never goes out of style and is appropriate for any occasion. Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person. ~Author Unknown
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him. ~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep. ~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends. ~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something. ~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
JULYIssue 2011 2 PAGE 24 July 2011
"Serving South Alabama, The Wiregrass & The North Florida Panhandle Since 2003" News 8 times a day! Visit us at www.wkni.net for our web Newspaper. Newspaper Studio 334-635-7111 FAX 334-388-2501 Wed mornings 5:45am and 6:45am WTVY Talk of the Town With Eddie Lewis TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS IN LAUGHS AND LIFTS
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