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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
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Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Gold Watch
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The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.” When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?” “I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”
"Don't play stupid with me - I always win." PLEASE SUPPORT LAUGHS LAUGHS& &LIFTS ADVERTISERS They are your neighbors, working hard to make it in these slow economic times and would appreciate your business.
Pray for them! Without them, Laughs Laughs& &Lifts doesn’t exist.
Menopause Jewelry My husband, Is published monthly by being unhappy with my mood swings, Parrish Publishing bought me a mood ring the other day Roger Parrish, Publisher/Editor P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 36361 so he would be able to monitor my moods. Laughs& &Lifts!” Lifts “Everyone loves reading Laughs We've discovered that Single Subscription Price when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. 1 year (12 Issues) only $30.00 When I'm in a bad mood, 2 years (24 Issues) only $40.00 it leaves a big ugly red mark Mail Check To: on his forehead. Laughs&Lifts Subscriptions P.O. Box 681 • Ozark, Alabama • 356361 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. www.LaughsandLifts.com
Anniversary Flight On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it. "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "...underwater."
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Apple Pin While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?"
Plenty of Places I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. It's not hard to get there and I've made several trips. I'm planning one in the near future!
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Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters? Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”? And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
laughsandlifts@live.com
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
The Blues
THE PLUNDER PALACE
Here are some tips for any of you that are in pursuit of a career in the "Blues":
1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'....." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon. 2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line, too. 3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation are as follows: a. Greyhound bus b. southbound train c. walkin' 4. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Vail, or any town whose name ends in "Beach." St. Louis, Chicago and Kansas City are other good towns for the blues. 5. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. treatment. 6. You have the right to sing You’ll love the style and affordability. the blues if: a. you're blind b. you shot a man in Memphis c. you can't be satisfied 7. But not if: a. you shot an 85 at golf b. your Dad left you a trust fund 8. Good places for the blues: Cell 334-726-3459 a. a highway FREE In Home Estimates Office 334-774-9579 b. a jailhouse
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
"Mom's Bath Note" Dear Kids, Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.) Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. "Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair. Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Continued on next page
The Blues Cont. c. an empty bed d. a freight train 9. Bad places for the blues: a. Yellowstone National Park b. The country club c. gallery openings d. The Hamptons 10. If you ask for water and yo 'baby' give you gasoline, that's the blues. 11. Blues beverages do not include: a. any drink with an umbrella b. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) c. Jello shots 12. Picking a blues name: a. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot) b. add Willie, Johnny or Joe c. Pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, or Roosevelt) d. Persons with names like Ashley, Chad, Kimberly, McKenzie, Brad or Tyler may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS September 2011 Continued from page 5 Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos. Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you. Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it. Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof. 2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding. 3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house. Emergencies are NOT: 1. Dad has fallen asleep. 2. Someone on TV is bleeding. 3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house. One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed. By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled. Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
What is Causing You to get off Course? By:
Elder Wallace Kennedy Jr
When we began this Christian journey God gave us a compass to take us to our destiny purposed by Him. Are you still on course? When we fail to follow the direction the compass is pointing us, what is the cause? Is it NEGLECT because we are too busy walking through life that we forget to look at God’s compass (Word) to make sure we are headed in the right direction. Is it PRIDE? Often times we want to determine the destiny ourselves. Relying on our own strength, understanding, and abilities, we plan our own ROUTE. Is it Distractions? Satan is offering you something pleasurable and you lost focus maybe. Is it lack of obedience? God doesn’t fit into your agenda. Maybe you are being discouraged because some difficulties occurred, and you failed to realize that God was teaching you something, equipping you for the challenges that lie ahead on the journey. Is it the DETOURS that you took? When times seem hard we have a natural tendency to refer to the area of least resistance. On this journey of life there will be some hills to claim, a few pot-holds in the road, some curves, low visibility or cloudy, and maybe even a wild or domestic animal cross our path of travel. Don’t leave the path drive on with caution.
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The reference point for where you are and where you are going is found in the Word of God.
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Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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September 2011
Cake Lesson A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
laughsandlifts@live.com
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does. "Here, have some cooking oil." "Yuck" says the boy. "How about a couple raw eggs? " "Gross, Grandma!" "Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
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"Grandma, those are all yucky!" To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!" She continued, "God works the same way in our lives."
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"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."
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Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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Golf Confessional A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole. That is when I swore! "You missed the putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Two Bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…” QUICK, QUALITY DRY CLEANING & LAUNDRY SAME DAY SERVICE SUEDE & LEATHER EXPERTS The wedding dress specialists
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Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Now you can remove your stressed out annuals and replace them with fall blooming plants such as Mums, ornamental cabbage, pansies and snapdragon. Drop by your local garden shop and see what they have to offer. Just because the leaves are turning brown doesn’t mean you can’t have color in your yard.
Summer is waning and cooler weather is ahead. What a relief but don’t forget that fall is generally a dry season. So don’t let up your watering schedule because the plants still need your help. Fall is the time to concentrate on your perennials and to prepare for spring. Regenerate your perennial by digging them up and dividing them. Remove your plants, shake the dirt off the roots and gently separate the plants. Add about 6 inches of your compost or other organic matter and mix it into the soil before replanting them. Trade tuber and roots with friends and expand your flower garden varieties. Check out your local garden shop for spring bulbs. These blooms are worth all the time it takes to plant them. Have you thought of naturalize an area of your yard? That’s when you mass plant the area and, then in the spring, the whole area breaks out into bloom. King Alfred is the best Daffodil to use. Try getting smaller bulbs (which are usually cheaper) and these bulbs will increase in number and size so that in a couple of years there will be a huge blast of color every spring.
Pet Bills
It is the time to collect herbs for the winter. You can dry them quickly by placing them between layers of paper towels in the microwave for about a minute or until the leaves are crisp. Store them in dark jars that are clearly labeled and they will bring back delightful memoires of summer as you use them this winter. As the nights get cooler the tomatoes will not develop as well. Try snipping off the blossoms and small tomatoes to allow the nutrients to go to the developing tomatoes. You will have fewer tomatoes but those tomatoes will be bigger and better. You can plant Beets, Spinach, Swiss Chard, Broccoli, Cauliflower and cabbage for a Fall garden. Don’t forget to get your house plants ready to come back inside. Move them to a shadier location and check for pest that might be on the plant or in the pots. Don’t forget to look for toads and lizards too. Trim the dead leaves and check to see if the plant is pot bound and may need replanting for winter. Now is a good time to plant roses , so check out your local garden center to see what’s available. Clean up the fallen rose leaves because they can harbor pests and disease through the winter. Fertilize your roses one last time with a fast release fertilizer. Adding fertilizer later may encourage new growth that will not be hardened off for winter. Remember to water the roots and keep the leaves dry to discourage disease from developing.
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs. "What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman. "Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we Happy Fall, now call her Filet Mignon." Sharon
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
Train Good News A large, two-engine train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere. The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"
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As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. SENIOR LIVING "We're supposed to wear something that Growing older is merely a matches our husband's hair, so I'm matter of feeling your wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh corns rather than feeling my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go." your oats.
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."
There is just as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
When You Advertise in Laughs Laughs& &Lifts you put your message in the hands of 30,000 readers in 8 counties.
Call Roger Parrish
September 2011
The following sign hangs in a local auto-repair garage: AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST: Ping-Ping-Ping.........$35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk......$50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk....$125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud.....$200.00 Clang-Thud-Klank....$325.00
334-379-7603 BREAKING NEWS Dateline Athens, Georgia: A mysterious "white powdery substance" was found on the football field at the Georgia Bulldogs practice earlier today. Apparently the FBI had launched a large scale investigation in response to the incident. Taken from headline news: Football practice was delayed on Thursday for nearly two hours for the Georgia Bulldogs. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The Head Coach was alerted and immediately suspended practice and called the police. The FBI was later called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the Georgia players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.(Taken from SportsCenter originally, adopted to Bulldogs.)
"I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words, they determine where you were spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts." - John Bevere
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September 2011
Telephone Man A man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
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A Goober goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The goober says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Goober said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Goober, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
We Have Hidden 5 Fall leaves in ads through out this month’s Laughs Laughs& &Lifts For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes Find all 5 Fall Leaves & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Mail or E-Mail the name of the 5 business’ where you found the Fall Leaves , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “Fall Leaves”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Sept. 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
Don’t Just live…THRIVE!
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My father asserted that there was no better place to bring up a family than in a rural environment.... There's something about getting up at 5 a.m., feeding the chickens, and milking a couple of cows before breakfast that gives you a lifelong respect for the price of butter and eggs. CONGRATULATIONS Mary Beth Turner, of Enterprise. Mary Beth was the winner in the August Edition Hidden Pencils contest. Mary Beth found the Pencils in ,Two By Two Petting Zoo, Faithworks Disability Consultant, Rose Clark Hallford, The Plunder Palace, Claybank Jamboree and Sutton’s Restaurant. Mary Beth received a gift certificate for an Oil Change from Road Mart in Enterprise, Free Admission To McClellans Zoo Critters in Banks, Al. for 4 children when accompanied by at least one paying adult, Lunch for Two from Rodeo’s Mexican Restaurant in Enterprise, a six month subscription to Laughs&Lifts I thank everyone that entered and I hope you all had fun finding the Pencils. The Hidden Object contest is new each month and the winner receives a prize package worth at least $100.
Someone wins every month, so don’t give up, this may be your month to win!
September 2011
Short Funny Sayings A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one. I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it? I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? 43% of all statistics are useless. I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER! Black Holes are where God divided by zero. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance. 1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.
"You do not need a parachute to skydive - you need a parachute to skydive twice." "A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out."
Humility is a virtue until one becomes proud of it.
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Spielberg's New Project Steven Spielberg was discussing his newest project - an action docudrama about famous composers, starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all being courted for the top roles. Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were among the most famous. "I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him." "I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play." "Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you like to be?" "I'll be Bach!" Schwarzenegger replied.
"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.”
LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
So, You Think You Have Talent? Let’s See It. Bring It On!
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Division of Labor The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. "It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on." "And you?" "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
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Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
5 IN ONE Challenge Sudoku
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Conversion? John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish." Towards and Away One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"
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PAGE 18 Give It Our All
LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
(By Chuck Swindoll) [Edited] There are 1,130 frostbitten miles, mountain ranges, blizzards, hungry beasts, and frozen seas between Anchorage and Nome. This awful trek is the scene of the ultimate endurance test known as the Iditarod Sled Dog Race, where twelve huskies pull a sled and its driver through the most grueling, inhuman conditions one can fathom. The most frequent champion of recent years is a woman named Susan Butcher, whose tough-minded fixation on winning earned her the nickname Ayatollah Butcher. The secret, she will tell you, is her own mind-set and the training of those dogs, which gives new meaning to the word 'serious.' Her 150-dog kennel is a thing to behold. Shortly after each pup's birth, while it is still blind, she holds it in her hands and breathes her breath into its nose. That way, she claims, each one will associate her smell with comfort and encouragement. The rapport begins with that breathing-into-the-nose routine. She personally feeds, trains, massages, and -- on a rotation basis -- sleeps with each dog. She personally nurses them to health when they are injured. She is infinitely patient with them, talks to them, believes in them, even sings to them (old folk songs by Bob Dylan and Joan Baez, plus a few Irish lullabies). The objective? To bond with them. It pays. They have saved her life on the trail more than once. Back in 1979, she led her dog team to the 20,320-foot summit of Mount McKinley. It took forty-four days. What a woman! One reporter described her as having "a stiff spine...a stubborn mind-set," which is what is needed to endure moose attacks, blizzards so severe that one time for five hours she couldn't see the lead dog, and a sudden plunge into icy water (Granite and Maddie, the mushers, pulled her out). The Christian life isn't an eleven-day race. It's a lifetime journey full of more dangers and pitfalls than a hundred Iditarods. So it's foolish to think we can enter it half-heartedly or sustain it easily. To survive it calls for help from above and toughness from within. If Susan Butcher is willing to give that kind of effort to win a race that is incredible in the eyes of the world - with temporary and fleeting glory, how much more should we, running a race that matters for all eternity, give it our all.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Back in the 50's there was a well known radio host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named Stuart Hamblen who was noted for his drinking, womanizing partying, etc. One of his bigger hits at the time was "I won't go hunting with you Jake, but I'll go chasing women". One day, along came a young preacher holding a tent revival. Hamblen had him on his radio show presumably to poke fun at him. In order to gather more material for his show, Hamblin showed up at one of the revival meetings. Early in the service the preacher announced, "There is one man in this audience who is a big fake." There were probably others who thought the same thing, but Hamblen was convinced that he was the one the preacher was talking about (some would call that conviction), but he was having none of that. Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher's hotel door around 2 am demanding that the preacher pray for him! But the preacher refused, saying, "This is between you and God and I'm not going to get in the middle of it." But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until about 5 am at which point Stuart dropped to his knees and with tears, cried out to God. But that is not the end of the story. Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women, quit everything that was "fun". Soon he began to lose favor with the Hollywood crowd. He was ultimately fired by the radio station when he refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor. Hard times were upon him. He tried writing a couple of "Christian" songs but the only one that had much success was "This Old House", written for his friend Rosemary Clooney. As he continued to struggle, a long time friend named John took him aside and told him, "all your troubles started when you 'got religion', was it worth it all?" Stuart answered simply, "Yes". Then his friend asked, "You liked your booze so much, don't you ever miss it?" And his answer was, "No". John then said, "I don't understand how you could give it up so easily." And Stuart's response was, "It's no big secret. All things are possible with God." To this John said "That's a catchy phrase. You should write a song about it." And as they say, the rest is history. The song Stuart wrote was "It Is No Secret" It is no secret what God can do. What He's done for others, He'll do for you. With arms wide open, He'll welcome you. It is no secret, what God can do.... By the way......... the friend was John Wayne. DALEVILLE And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen ? GARDEN That was Billy Graham.
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BUBBA & JOHNNY ROY Bubba and Johnny Roy were sittin' on the front porch in a swing when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do dat when I get rich," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed."
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
The Key to Acceptance (from In Touch Daily Devotional by Dr. Charles Stanley) (Based on Luke 6:46-49) Many churchgoers will be alarmed to discover that ministry work does not earn a place in heaven. Good deeds mean nothing to God unless they are the outgrowth of a relationship with Him. Only those who have received Jesus Christ as their Savior will enter heaven, no matter how many acts of kindness or charity they have performed. The definition of the word "believe" is what often confuses church members who lack genuine faith. They believe in God, Jesus, and heaven. But there's a difference between giving intellectual assent to an idea and spiritually acknowledging Christ as God's Son and one's own personal Savior. In the Bible, every time someone truly believes in Jesus, he or she changes. It is impossible to remain the same after realizing one's desperate need for Him. An earnest desire for salvation begins with the recognition that we have sinned against God. We must also be aware that there is no hope of salvation apart from the Lord. Having understood these two facts, we need to trust in His sacrifice for the payment of our sin-debt. Some people use the terminology "ask Jesus to forgive your sin" or "ask Jesus into your heart." It doesn't matter how we describe the experience - if we repent of sin and make a decision to receive Christ, we are saved. God promises to respond to a humble acknowledgement of His Son's sacrifice. If you desire to be in heaven with Him for eternity, ask yourself this question: Have I been saved? If not, now is the time.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly." No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife "Yes" he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore." Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Biscuits Tomato-Basil Drop Biscuit
Chive Biscuits Ingredients
September 2011
Ingredients
·
2 cups all-purpose flour
·
1/2 cup finely chopped green onions
·
3 teaspoons baking powder
·
1 tablespoon Crisco® Olive Oil
·
1/2 teaspoon salt
·
3/4 cup chopped fresh tomato, drained
·
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
·
·
1/3 cup butter-flavored shortening
1/4 cup minced fresh basil or 4 teaspoons dried basil
·
1 cup buttermilk
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2 cups all-purpose flour
·
2 tablespoons minced chives or 2 tsp dried chive
·
1 tablespoon baking powder
·
1 teaspoon salt
·
1/4 teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper
·
1/3 cup shortening
·
2/3 cup 2% milk
Directions ·
·
In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in buttermilk and chives just until moistened. Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto a greased baking sheet. Bake at 450° for 1012 minutes or until lightly browned. Serve warm. Yield: 1 dozen.
Directions ·
In a small skillet, saute onions in oil until tender. Add tomato; cook 1 minute longer. Remove from the heat; stir in basil. Cool slightly.
·
In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, salt and pepper. Cut in shortening until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in milk and tomato mixture just until combined.
·
Drop by heaping teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 425° for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown. Remove to wire racks. Serve warm. Yield: about 1-1/2 dozen.
Poppy Seed Biscuit Ingredients ·
1/4 cup 2% milk
·
2 tablespoons honey
·
1/2 cup cream-style cottage cheese
·
2-1/4 cups biscuit/baking mix
·
1 tablespoon poppy seeds
Directions ·
· ·
In a blender, combine the milk, honey and cottage cheese. Cover and process until smooth. In a large bowl, combine biscuit mix and poppy seeds. Stir in cottage cheese mixture just until blended.
Sweet Potato Biscuits Ingredients ·
1 cup all-purpose flour
·
3 teaspoons baking powder
Turn onto a floured surface; pat to 1/2-in. thickness. Cut with a 2-1/2-in. biscuit cutter.
·
½ teaspoon salt
·
1/3 cup margarine
Place on an ungreased baking sheet. Bake at 425° for 8-10 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for 1 minute before removing to wire rack. Serve warm. Yield: about 1 dozen.
·
1 cup mashed, cooked sweet potatoes
·
3 tablespoons milk
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
Biscuits
September 2011
Aunt T’s Kitchen Ingredients
Directions Combine dry ingredients. Cut in margarine with 2 knives or a pastry blender. Add sweet potatoes and enough milk to make a soft dough. Knead lightly, if desired. Roll dough to ½-inch thickness; cut in rounds and place on a lightly oiled baking sheet. Bake at 425 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. Yield: 12 medium biscuits.
Italian Drop Biscuit
·
2 cups biscuit/baking mix
·
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
·
1/2 cup cold milk
·
2 tablespoons chopped green chilies
·
1/4 cup butter, melted
·
1 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
·
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning
·
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Directions ·
In a large bowl, combine the biscuit mix, cheese, milk and chilies just until moistened. Drop by heaping tablespoonfuls onto a greased baking sheet.
·
Bake at 450° for 8-10 minutes or until golden brown. In a small bowl, combine the butter, parsley, Italian seasoning and garlic powder; brush over warm biscuits. Yield: 1-1/2 dozen.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
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Father's Occupation "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."
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Cell Phone Charges A retired couple recently returned from an extended vacation with their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with some surprise "roaming charges." Even though they've been back for awhile, those charges didn't appear on their statement for several months. Their son had to explain to them that such things take time to work through the system. Specifically, he told them, "Roamin' wasn't billed in a day."
Quick Jokes I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I wanted one piece to go to Cleveland, one piece to Toronto, and one piece to Florida. The airline agent said, "We can't do that." I replied, "Oh really? Well, you did it last week..." (by Henny Youngman) A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the oldtimer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Relentless toddler "whys"
Reporter:
Next time your toddler asks you the question why about the same thing over and over again, ask him to tell you why. This can lead to a wonderful interactive dialog with him, which helps develop his language skills. Be careful not to criticize his remarks, though. Doing so will discourage him from using his own thought processes to problem solve.
"So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?" Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefited most by 79 years of fresh air."
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Leaving the Farm A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?". With her last breath, granny
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
CROSSWORD
September 2011
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1.Decorated, as a cake 5. "Hamlet" has five 9. Barbie's beau 12. "Belling the Cat" author 14. Pumps and clogs 16. Clod chopper 17. Magnolia state 19. Biochemistry abbr. 20. Chlorox, e.g. 21. Suspicion 23. Greek earth goddess: Var. 25. Frosts, as a cake 26. Person directed to another for professional services 30. Second-year students, for short 32. Bauxite, e.g. 33. Gumbo vegetables 35. Coffee order 37. Arp's art 39. Clock standard: Abbr. 40. Become friendlier 41. Commemorative marker 43. Nuclear energy weapon 46. Tokyo, formerly 47. Indic language of Orissa 49. Ocean's surface used in reckoning land elevation (2 wd) 51. Biblical shepherd 52. Next month (abbrev.) 53. Deceptive maneuver 57. Breath sweetening lozenge 61. "Fantasy Island" prop 62. Sinful 64. "Much ___ About Nothing" 65. Apprehensive 66. Taste, e.g. 67. "My boy" 68. Abstruse 69. Act
1. Foot 2. Cover with plaster 3. "___ quam videri" (North Carolina's motto) 4. Measured portion of medicine 5. Balaam's mount 6. Reprimanded 7. Pith helmet 8. Blood poisoning 9. Former Soviet premier 10. A long, long time 11. "Cool!" 13. Rogue 15. Humorous TV drama 18. Dodge 22. Move, as a plant 24. Pirate's dismay 26. Engine parts 27. A Muse 28. Union of several states 2 29. Kind of wool 31. Screen from light 34. Veranda 36. Missing from the Marines, say 38. Accused's need 42. Hottie 44. Third month 45. Swells 48. Set in a straight row 50. Go over 53. "Ah, me!" 54. Change 55. Algonquian Indian 56. Cork's country 58. Better 59. Yorkshire river 60. Brought into play 63. Cheat
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Weighed Down (By Alan Smith) [Minor editing] A few stupid criminal stories: One man robbed a liquor store at gunpoint and demanded all of the cash from the register. He then asked for some liquor, but the cashier declined saying that he didn't look 21. The robber again demanded, but the cashier declined saying that he could not give liquor to anyone under 21. The stupid criminal proceeded to show the cashier his driver's license to prove he was 21! The cashier took down his information, gave the robber his liquor, and called the police when he left. The robber was arrested AT HIS HOME later that evening. Another guy was in a verbal lineup (where you have to say something to see if the victim can identify you by voice). He was told to say "Give me your money or I'll shoot you", and he refused to do it. When asked why by the detective, he said "Because that's not what I said"! David Posman 33, was arrested in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. David Posman is not the first person to make the mistake of trying to run while being weighed down. In fact, it happens spiritually all the time. The writer of Hebrews talks about sin being a weight that keeps us from effectively running the Christian race. We can get bogged down with things that pull us away from God. And, by the way, as with Posman, those things that are weighing us down are not worth nearly as much as we thought they were when we grabbed hold of them. "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." (Hebrews 12:1)
LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
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334-598-1800 Vacation Shopping Throughout the couple’s month long tour of Europe, the wife's only complaint was that there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of their trip, they stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. They wrote postcards and the wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while the husband made a long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated the husband until he was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar. Completing his call, he saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. He found out she was going close to their destination so he offered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car. There was still no sign of the wife, so he went to look for her. Ten minutes later, he found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving him a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes." He grinned and said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat of the car."
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
How to Stop a Heart Attack With Cayenne Pepper Cayenne has been known to stop heart attacks within 30 seconds. Capsicum (cayenne pepper) is a wonder herb for its ability to boost circulation, and increase heart action. Capsicum has many powerful actions on the entire cardiovascular system. It can enhance cardiovascular performance while lowering blood pressure. It is one of the strongest natural stimulants known without the harsh side effects. Cayenne pepper is pure nutrition for the heart. It literally feeds the heart.
NOTE: CALL 911 if you think you or someone else is having a heart attack. Things You'll Need ·
cayenne extract or cayenne pepper
·
glass of warm water (if available)
It is best if you have a high quality cayenne extract or cayenne pepper on hand in case of emergencies. You can do this while you are waiting for the ambulance to come. It has saved many lives. If using cayenne pepper it is best if you are using a non irradiated brand. Irradiation leaves herbs ineffective medicinally. If using an extract it is best to have one that has at least 30,000 to 40,000 HU ( heat units).If you are using cayenne extract give yourself a dropperful or if you are administering it to someone pour a dropperful in their mouth right away. If you are using cayenne pepper put a teaspoon into a cup of warm water, and drink immediately. Make sure you use warm water, it will open up the cell structure, and cayenne will be received much faster. It will go straight to the heart, through the artery system, and feed it. Cayenne can also be used along with CPR on some one who has had a heart attack. You can drop cayenne extract into their mouth or pour warm water with a teaspoon of cayenne pepper down their throat. You want to give a dose of cayenne every 15 minutes until the crisis has passed. Ride with them in the ambulance, and keep administering the cayenne! *** If someone has heart problems be sure to keep a 1 or 2 ounce bottle of Cayenne tincture with you in your purse, car, office or wherever you are and do not be afraid to use it at any sign of tightness in the chest!! They may turn red but they will be alive!!!! SIGNS OF A HEART ATTACK Ÿ chest pain or chest discomfort Ÿ discomfort in other areas of the upper body Ÿ shortness of breath Ÿ breaking out in a cold sweat For more information or to purchase The cayenne extract call 334-673-2444. Health Concepts Organic Food Store 1901 Wise Drive • Dothan, AL
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
Pest Control A man works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then he heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
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Don’t Cry Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
The B-I-B-L-E Hall of Fame… I remember watching the movie ‘Stand By Me’ a while back where this group of 12 year old boys went out on a camping trip by themselves. By the campfire they discussed the mysteries of life through the eyes of 12 year old boys in the 1950s. One question pondered was ? The answer one boy gave was Another philosophical topic debated was.. The answer they agreed on was . So with this lead in let me ask who were the Superheroes of the Bible? Samson? Moses? Elijah? How about Noah? In reality there are great men of faith, but not superheroes. So instead of superheroes I believe I will start a BP Bible Hall of Fame. Just like the Baseball or Football Hall of Fame except NO STEROIDS please. ADAM was recognized as the first man to .. to.. well, he was the first man. He was gifted in the art of Animal Naming, and was the first man BUT NOT THE LAST to get in trouble with his wife. NOAH built an Ark at age 650ish, with his 100 year old sons that survived the great flood, he was the first man to summit Mt. Everest in a boat, he is your hero ABRAHAM was a complex man as he was great man of faith, but a pretty good liar too. Father of a whole nation after the age of 90!.. and has the notoriety for being chop chopped at age 99. MOSES was literally a basket case before he became a prince of , and then a murderer. After his burning bush moment he turns freedom fighter for , parts the Red Sea, and in the end was known as God’s friend. JOSHUA is recognized as a Military Genius utilizing the dreaded and deadly Jewish Marching Band. SHANGAR killed 100 men with a pointy stick. Not many men can say that. GIDEON was the master of tactical warfare using jars and trumpets. These Laughs&Lifts Bringing Laughter and Encouragement Into Your Life! 334-379-7603
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
SAMSON was a big man with big muscles, big ego, but with a big weakness for the ladies. DAVID was a shepherd boy promoted to giant killer, he played a mean blues harp, and next was anointed as King of Israel. On the negative side he committed adultery, and planned a murderer.. BUT he did also write a pretty nifty book in the Bible called Psalms. SOLOMON was the great King of Israel known for his incomparable wisdom, but being dumb enough to have 700 wives, and 300 Interns. Hello, can you say Honey-Do-List times 1000?.. He also wrote that Song of Solomon book of the Bible… what was that all about? ELIJAH was fed by well educated Ravens from the famous Kereth Ravine Cooking School. He was famous for kicking the prophets of Baal collective butts, but then runs from Jezebel. Elijah does get special recognition for a very cool exit from Earth on a Chariot of Fire! DANIEL was a quiet man like a Jewish Ninja Master able to Tame Wild Animals, and he had good friends who were all fire retardant. JONAH was a gifted but reluctant preacher swallowed by a very big fish. I guess that is notoriety, but not really Hall of Fame material. Now that’s just a few Old Testament candidates for Hall of Fame. I know, I know.. I am sure I missed many in my quest for honoring men and women who were faithful and obedient to Almighty God. I hope to take a bit more time in the coming weeks to recognize others who have their own claim to fame.. the BP Bible Hall of Fame that is. May God bless each of you this day. May He find us faithful with the talents and passions we are each given. May our lives be obedient and full of love for our God, and may our service be to those in need as we are commanded. Who knows, maybe you can end up someday in the BP Hall of Fame. Jeff
www.thebackpew.com
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LAUGHS & LIFTS
September 2011
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