Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. (Psalm 37:4)
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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
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A middle-aged man was waiting for the bus. While he waited, he watched a young boy eat five candy bars, one right after the other. He said to the boy, "Eating all that candy is bad for your health and can rot your teeth." The boy replied, "Mister, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!" The man said, "I'll bet he didn't eat five candy bars in a row." The boy answered, "No, but he sure knew how to mind his own business!"
STAMPS A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.
I REALLY FEEL SORRY FOR THE PERSON WHO WRITES THE “TERMS & CONDITIONS”
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The Mark Blakenship Family Wishes Your Family A Happy, Prosperous, and Healthy 2012
The Gossiper
ELECT
(Author Unknown) A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbor. Within a few days the whole community knew the story. The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended. Later the woman responsible for spreading the rumor learned that it was completely untrue. She was very sorry and went to a wise old man to find out what she could do to repair the damage. "Go to the marketplace," he said, "and purchase a chicken, and have it killed. Then on your way home, pluck its feathers and drop them one by one along the road." Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told.
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The next day the wise man said, "Now go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me." The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay, the wind had blown the feathers all away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three in her hand. "You see," said the old man, "it's easy to drop them, but it's impossible to get them back. So it is with gossip. It doesn't take much to spread a rumor, but once you do, you can never completely undo the wrong." Laughs&Lifts.com
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Marry An Actor An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor." The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?" So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor.
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334-673-7440 Another Year...
(By Dave Jacobs)
This is a time of reflection and anticipation. Reflection on the year past, and anticipation of the year to come. But, probably the most common thing you hear about at the new year is resolutions...things you hope to change such as health, i.e. diet, exercise, eat better, spend more time with your family, read more, stop using your credit card. Now all this is good and fine, but could I challenge you to make a different type of new years resolution...spiritual resolutions? such as read my Bible more, pray more. share my faith more, invite people out to church more, to fight sinful attitudes and actions more, to talk to my kids about Jesus more. Now, Ecc. 5:4,5 says, "When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it, for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay." Can you relate to that? See, our problem is not making resolutions, promises, vows... our problem is following through on them. Four paths to fulfilling your resolutions: 1.Be realistic 2.Don't be thrown-off by failures - this is a common snag to progress. Is. 43:18,19 "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder the things of the past. Behold, I will do something new..." Phil. 3:13,14 "...but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on..." God is always ready to give us a second chance. 3.Be patient, give it time 4.Be reliant on God to bring about the change. Paul will say in Phil. 3:3 that we are not to, "...put confidence in our flesh, our own ability..." II Cor. 3:5 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God." Real change is possible only when we come humbly before God and cry out to Him to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Conclusion: It's a new year, but the same God...by same I mean: unchanging, reliable, trustworthy, solid, dependable, faithful, constant, loyal, etc. Laughs&Lifts.com
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"HOW BIG IS YOUR CLUB?" A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us." Laughs&Lifts.com
GRANDPA’S CONVERSATION Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school? Boy: about a half mile. Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like? Boy: they are mostly B's. Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight? Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up. Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you? Boy: 9 years old. Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
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"Ugly The Tomcat"
Page 7
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Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!" TIRESrocks at him, hosed him down, All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw and squirted WINDOW TINT AUDIO him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his pawsBRAKES in the door when he would not leave.CAR Ugly ALIGNMENT ALARMS TUNE UPS always had the same reaction. REMOTE START BATTERIES MOBILE TV If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw EXHAUST STROBES BELTS & HOSES CAMO WRAP things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. STARTERS VINYL GRAPHICS Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their ALTERNATORS AUTO DETAILING TRANSMISSIONS KEYLESS ENTRY hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin sucklingUon earrings, CALL whatever he SPRcould CK your WRECKER ES shirt, R ORI AY T B find. 334-774-0059 S E K DLI IN ES TOC C 334-608-2341 NER One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They kindly, and Ugly was badly Snot respond AC did N S mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where Ihe was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. CONTINUED ON PAGE 8
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CONTINUED FROM PAGE 7 It must be hurting him terribly, I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me. . . I will always try to be Ugly. Author Unknown
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Laughs&Lifts.com
VOTE Woodrow (Woody)
HILBOLDT PROBATE JUDGE
DALE COUNTY
PD. POL. ADV. BY FRIENDS OF WOODROW HILBOLDT, OZARK, AL.
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A Pastor said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
------------One guy says to his buddy: "Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion?" "Sure we do--but I don't tell her about it."
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"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism." George Washington Laughs&Lifts.com
How Wide? I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" Me: "Certainly, what width?" Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
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"Making the Most of Life” If I can throw a single ray of light across the darkened pathway of another; if I can aid some soul to clearer sight of life and duty, and thus bless my brother; if I can wipe from any human cheek a tear, I shall not have lived my life in vain while here. If I can guide some erring one to truth, inspire within his heart a sense of duty; if I can plant within my soul of rosy youth a sense of right, a love of truth and beauty; if I can teach one man that God and heaven are near, I shall not then have lived in vain while here. If from my mind I banish doubt and fear, and keep my life attuned to love and kindness; if I can scatter light and hope and cheer, and help remove the curse of mental blindness; if I can make more joy, more hope, less pain, I shall not have lived and loved in vain. If by life's roadside I can plant a tree, beneath whose shade some wearied head may rest, though I may never share its beauty, I shall yet be truly blest though no one knows my name, nor drops a flower upon my grave, I shall not have lived in vain while here. - Author Unknown Laughs&Lifts.com
DONALD O.
GRANTHAM DALE COUNTY DISTRICT 2 COMMISSIONER I will offer the Citizens of District 2, Full Time Management, leadership, dedication and dependability. Your vote and support will be greatly appreciated. Paid political advertisement by Donald O. Grantham 185 Grantham Way, Daleville, Alabama
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13 h c ar M te Vo
th
Noisy Neighbors A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway
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John was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "That and he batted .007," his wife added.
ON NOAH'S ARK 10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?" 9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!" 8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and name streets after them."
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7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?" 6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!" 5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!" 4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!" 3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out." 2. "Nice Doggie!"
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AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK..... 1. "Are We There Yet?"
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REAL MEN! "Real Men are a dying breed... Here's to all the real men out there..Boys play house. Men build homes!!! Boys shack up. Men get married!!! Boys make babies. Men raise children!!! A boy won't raise his own children. A man will raise his and someone else's!!! Boys invent excuses for failure. Men produce strategies for success!!! Boys look for somebody to take care of them. Men look for someone to take care of!!! Boys seek popularity. Men demand respect and know how to give it!!!
A Question Of Attitude: (there's a lesson in here...) A three-year-old tried to move a table. After she had struggled long, her mother tried to discourage her attempts, saying, "Baby, you can't move that table. It's as big as you are." "Yes, I can," said the little girl, "I'm as big as it is."
"Don't ask God to do what you want. Ask God to do what is right." Max Lucado
WOODY . Paid Political Adv. By Allan Kelley
How Much Do You Know? A person who knows not, And knows not that he knows not, Is foolish… Disregard him. A person who knows not, And knows that he knows not. Is simple… Teach him. A person who knows not, but believes that he knows Is dangerous… Avoid him A person who knows, But does not know that he knows, Is asleep… Awake him. A person who knows, And know that he knows’ Is wise… Follow him These categories of persons reside within every individual, Hence it pays to know you.
Stuart
SMITH CIRCUIT JUDGE www.SKSforJudge.com Pd Pol Adv by Committee To Elect Stuart K Smith Circuit Judge PO Box 130 Ozark, AL
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Who Reads Laughs& Laughs&Lifts? Lifts You do & 40,000 POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! Laughs& &Lifts! Lifts! Reach them with your message in Laughs Call Roger Parrish for Advertising 334-379-7603 “A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops a clock to save time” Henry Ford during the Other Great Depression
“Be Prepared” by Dr. Ashley Paramore With a New Year starting, we are all looking hopefully toward progress in our lives. There are so many things to look forward to in 2012, and as with all new situations, it reminds us to evaluate ourselves and see where we can make improvements. One aspect of life that can always be enhanced is preparedness. Many people are looking to take charge of their own health and are becoming more prepared in regard to their healthcare. With that in mind, let’s discuss how to become more prepared to solve everyday health problems at home. Obviously, having a well-stocked first-aid kit, kept within easy reach, is a necessity in every home. Having first aid supplies gathered ahead of time will keep you prepared for many emergencies. Learning CPR is also a very good idea, as well as having some basic knowledge of your personal health issues and how to care for related emergencies. When it comes to emergencies, many people panic and forget what they have learned or what tools they have on hand if they haven’t properly prepared. To prevent that from happening, start practicing now for possible emergencies. Don’t wait for a crisis to try something for the first time. Find out ways to gain experience and take advantage of them so that if an emergency strikes, you will be able to keep cool, stay calm and will have the confidence that comes with, “I’ve done it before.” Prepare now, so that you will be sure of yourself in a health emergency. As we all know, the best policy for preparedness is prevention. In regards to health preparedness, the “ABC +D of Prevention” is a good place to start. The A stands for Activation. In other words, keep your gut moving. CONTINUED ON PAGE 23
Laughs&Lifts.com
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JANUARY 2012
By: Wallace Kennedy Jr.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
New Year’s has always been a time in our society for looking back to the past, and more importantly, forward to the coming year. We make a “New Year’s Resolutions.” This is a time that
A: When you see your motherin-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
some people reflect on the changes they want or need. The bad habits to let go, and some good habits to embrace. Be encouraged dear readers, you can do all things through Christ who gives us the strength. Remember the cliché, “It is the person that think they can.” The Bible says; Delight thyself also in the LORD: and He shall give thee the desires
Mary walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the proprietor for help. "I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
sweet and sassy
of thine heart (Psalm 37:4). Whatever you have PASSION for are the things that will become reality. Passion gives motivation and purpose which are needed to fulfill your life. I encourage each of us to surrender to the Lord, rather than asking what we will do, how about asking God what He will do? It is time to unlock the hidden potentials that we have not seen nor did we know we were even capable of doing. Submitting to God will require: faith, trust and courage. And we also have a promise from God that He will never leave us or forsake us at anytime. The greatest steps to embracing the new things that God wants to do in your life is to: (a). Commit yourself to God’s plan. (b). See yourself as God sees you. (c). See your possibilities as God sees them.
Do not
[earnestly] remember the former things; neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 Amplified Bible (AMP).
----------A woman came to her doctor in a panic. "Doctor! All day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry." said the Doctor, "Eventually, she will rise and shine!"
Have a Blessed and Prosperous New Year! Wallace Kennedy Jr.
ENThe Market On Broad P O OW
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----------"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." - Mitch Hedberg
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----------A lot of money is tainted. It tain't yours and it tain't mine. ----------Break ups The hardest thing about breaking up is not the point that its over, but the reason why it's over! Laughs&Lifts.com
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PAIN IS NOT NORMAL “Choose the path to health, and enjoy the ride.”
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"Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?" "I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry
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The Philosophy of Antiques By Tory Wenger Antiques. What are they? Why do we collect them? What exactly makes an old item an antique? These are the questions we aim to answer. Amateur or aficionado, hobbyist or jack of all trades, the wonderful world of antiques has something for everyone.
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OLD THINGS NEW THINGS & EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
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Monday - Thursday 10 AM - 6 PM • Saturday 10 AM - 2 PM What is an antique? Closed Friday and Sunday • All Credit Cards Welcome In reality, the practical answer varies, as there are any factors to 334-774-8436 consider. Most dealers consider the 123 South Court Square • Ozark, Alabama minimum age to be at least 25 years. It's important to remember (although it may seem obvious) that young antiques will not stay young forever…age is inevitable even for antiques! In a few years these infant antiques will begin to season and develop a following of their own. Why do we collect them? There are many reasons why we collect antiques. First, there are emotional and personal reasons behind most collectors and their collections. We are reminded of all the days gone by and the way things used to be when our grandparents were running what seemed to be a saner world. There is a charm of association with an interesting past. The tender grace of a day, an age that is dead, yet still lingers on in a stately piece of furniture. This charm, once felt, never disappears. Things you didn't know about antiques (but now you do!)
·
Antiques are ALWAYS valuable...to someone. A vase you see on sale for 5 dollars could bring up the memories of a lost loved one for another, and could be a priceless treasure.
·
Just as a good investment bond does, a good piece can be stored for a number of years until it increases in value. Antiques NEVER decrease in value (unless damaged); they either increase or stay the same.
·
All things will become an antique one day- even what is new right now! One day, you'll see your big screen HDTV next to a Victorian armchair.
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Things you have grown up with are now antiques! Remember all of those Hot Wheels cars? Some of them now go for $150-$300 dollars on the market! Wish you didn't throw them all away, huh?
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Collectibles today range from old Coca-Cola items and Barbie dolls, to wooden pens, bottle caps and old tools. People will (and do) collect just about anything.
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Old magazines like National Geographic, Life, Colliers, and Readers Digest, printed in a specific birth month, make great gifts! It will give them an insight to exactly what was going on when they were born.
Got Questions? We have answers! E-Mail us with any questions you may have. We always have time for you. ThenandNowThings@Yahoo.com Laughs&Lifts.com
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COFFEE FILTERS Coffee filters .... Who knew! And you can buy 1,000 at the Dollar Tree for almost nothing even the large ones. 1. Cover bowls or dishes when cooking in the microwave. Coffee filters make excellent covers. 2. Clean windows, mirrors, and chrome... Coffee filters are lint-free so they'll leave windows sparkling. 3. Protect China by separating your good dishes with a coffee filter between each dish. 4. Filter broken cork from wine. If you break the cork when opening a wine bottle, filter the wine through a coffee filter.. 5. Protect a cast-iron skillet. Place a coffee filter in the skillet to absorb moisture and prevent rust. 6. Apply shoe polish. Ball up a lint-free coffee filter. 7. Recycle frying oil. After frying, strain oil through a sieve lined with a coffee filter. 8. Weigh chopped foods. Place chopped ingredients in a coffee filter on a kitchen scale. 9. Hold tacos. Coffee filters make convenient wrappers for messy foods. 10. Stop the soil from leaking out of a plant pot. Line a plant pot with a coffee filter to prevent the soil from going through the drainage holes. 11. Prevent a Popsicle from dripping. Poke one or two holes as needed in a coffee filter. 12. Do you think we used expensive strips to wax eyebrows? Use strips of coffee filters.. 13. Put a few in a plate and put your fried bacon, French fries, chicken fingers, etc on them. It soaks out all the grease. 14. Keep in the bathroom. They make great "razor nick fixers." 15. As a sewing backing. Use a filter as an easy-to-tear backing for embroidering or appliqu�ing soft fabrics. 16. Put baking soda into a coffee filter and insert into shoes or a closet to absorb or prevent odors. 17. Use them to strain soup stock and to tie fresh herbs in to put in soups and stews.
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COFFEE FILTERS CONT. 18. Use a coffee filter to prevent spilling when you add fluids to your car. 19. Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills. 20. Can use to hold dry ingredients when baking or when cutting a piece of fruit or veggies.. Saves on having extra bowls to wash. 21. Use them to wrap Christmas ornaments for storage. 22. Use them to remove fingernail polish when out of cotton balls. 23. Use them to sprout seeds. Simply dampen the coffee filter, place seeds inside, fold it and place it into a plastic baggie until they sprout. 24. Use coffee filters as blotting paper for pressed flowers. Place the flowers between two coffee filters and put the coffee filters in phone book.. 25. Use as a disposable "snack bowl" for popcorn, chips, etc. OH YEAH THEY ARE GREAT TO USE IN YOUR COFFEE MAKERS TOO.
Logan's Cleaners Alterations
774-8012
Industrial Lubricants Automotive Lubricants No Ethanol Gasoline Gasoline Kerosene Diesel Fuel Hwy & Off Hwy Diesel
Office: (334) 774-7035 Cell: (334) 618-1652 Fax: (334) 774-1446 Southern Linc: 151*371 A Division of Midstream Fuel Service LLC
www.pepcoweb.com Red Piper Sales Representative red.piper@martinmlp.com
2937 N. US Hwy 231 Ozark, AL. 36360
“Co-Signing Leads To Stupid Tax” Dear Dave, My wife co-signed on a loan for an ex-boyfriend five years ago when they were together, before we even met. Now a collection agency is after her. Our attorney has recommended we take Chapter 7 bankruptcy, but the debt is only $5,000. Is there a better way? Jeff Dear Jeff, You bet there’s a better way! It’s just plain stupid to even consider trashing your financial life over $5,000, because bankruptcy stays on your record for years. This is an old loan with very low expectations for collection. The collector probably bought it for next to nothing, and everything he gets will be profit. It’s not uncommon for debts this old to be settled for fifty cents on the dollar, and sometimes even less. Haggle with them, and I’ll bet you can talk them down to $2,500. Get an agreement in writing before you send them a dime, and do not give them access to your bank account. They’ll threaten to sue, or ruin your credit and that kind of stuff, but my guess is you can work this out. It may take a couple of weeks and some patience, but that’s nothing if it will save you $2,000 to $3,000. You guys will have to pay some Stupid Tax on this one, but I hope it will teach you both a very valuable lesson. Never co-sign a loan! —Dave * For more financial help please visit daveramsey.com.
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DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY? ARE YOU DISABLED? HAVE You Considered Applying for YOUR Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already
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Ozark, Albama 36360
“Ole Jack Frost” by: Sharon Canaday The other day I was listening to some old songs and one written by Mel Tourme and Bob Wells and made popular by Bing Crosby, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire/Jack Frost nipping at your nose” made me give some thought to Frost. It has been getting pretty nipping lately but have you ever marveled at the wonder of Frost? Jack Frost is a mischievous elf like character that originated in Norse folklore as Jokul Frosti that is depicted as painting designs on windows and giving the trees their vivid fall colors. Frost is formed from water vapor, the invisible gas which is always present in the air. In summer, we call it humidity. When the air cools, the water vapors become droplets of water which can be mist, rain, snow or fog. The water that condenses close to the ground becomes frost. Frost is actually dew that becomes crystallized when the temperature drops below 32 degrees. Frost makes a six sided microscopic ice crystal that sometimes have needle like projections. Actually I think it is very sad that we do not have the beautiful frosty pictures drawn on our windows like those I remember form my child hood. On single pane windows the cold air on the outside of the window caused the warm air inside the house to condense on the window pane and when the temperatures drop below 32 degrees, the crystals created beautiful designs on the glass. But now doubled pane windows prevent this from happening. There are actually three kinds of frost. The Fern Frost as I described on the windows panes, the Hoar Frost which develops when there is a good supply of water vapor making large crystals. This type of frost is more likely to be found around bodies of water. Then there is the Frost called Rime which is water drops that have been carried in a fog or mist and blown onto objects that are below freezing. This is a kind Southerners rarely ever see. So the next frosty morning when you are scraping your car windows think of the wonder of the dew drops and water vapors and rejoice that you are not dealing with Rime Frost.
Sources: University of Illinois Extension: Guide to Frost Laughs&Lifts.com
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm! That's right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
Growing up is not just a continual accumulation of new learning; you have to discard some of what you learned before. RING RING RING One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!"
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The Ripple Effect (Author Unknown)
In 1855, A Sunday School teacher, a Mr. Kimball, led a Boston shoe clerk to give his life to Christ. The clerk, Dwight L. Moody, became an evangelist. In England in 1879, Dwight L. Moody awakened evangelistic zeal in the heart of Fredrick B. Meyer, pastor of a small church. F.B. Meyer, preaching to an American college campus, brought to Christ a student named J. Wilbur Chapman. J. Wilbur Chapman, engaged to YMCA work, employed a former baseball player, Billy Sunday, to do evangelistic work. Bill Sunday held a revival in Charlotte, N.C. A group of local men were so enthusiastic afterward that they planned another evangelistic campaign, bringing Mordecai Hamm to town to preach. During Mordecai Hamm's revival, a young man named Billy Graham heard the Gospel and yielded his life to Christ. Only Eternity will reveal the tremendous impact of that one Sunday School teacher, Mr. Kimball, who invested his life in the lives of others. Laughs&Lifts.com
"Confucius Says man who jump through screen door, strain self." "Human Relations: For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction." "Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling." - Margaret B. Runbeck "He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey." Bank Robbery During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down. He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face? The man said yes! The robber shot him. Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? She said no, but my husband over there did.
Kurt McDaniel Probate Judge Dale County Dedicated and committed to serving the citizens of Dale County. WWW.KURTMCDANIEL.COM
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LOGAN’S ALL PRO TAKING CARE OF YOU AND YOUR AUTO NEEDS
774-0059
TIRES BRAKES ALIGNMENT TUNE UPS BATTERIES EXHAUST BELTS & HOSES STARTERS ALTERNATORS TRANSMISSIONS
WINDOW TINT CAR AUDIO ALARMS REMOTE START MOBILE TV STROBES CAMO WRAP VINYL GRAPHICS AUTO DETAILING KEYLESS ENTRY
K SPR UC RIES WRECKER CALL AY MERCHANTS TR DOWNTOWN O K B 334-774-0059 S E DLI IN ES TOC C 334-608-2341 NER OZARK, AL AC N S S I
171 N. UNION AVE OZARK, AL. 36360 CLUES 1. Not divisible by two 4. Of she 7. Gas usage meas. 10. 2008 Pulitzer poet Robert 12. Rich persons 14. Semitic fertility god 15. Tropical Asian starlings 16. Digression 17. An enticement 18. "Nutcracker" character 21. Swindles 22. Capital of ancient China 221-206 BC 23. Small out buildings 25. __ and Venzetti 28. Data transmission speed measure 29. Daminozide
ACROSS 31. A Swiss Mountain 32. No. Am. republic 33. Golf ball pegs 35. Any unwanted plant 36. Monarchs of Iran 39. Get together 41. Delightfully pretty 43. Am. & Australian physician's groups 44. Greatest A. Lexicographer 50. A fencing sword 51. Relating to imides 52. University in N.C. 54. Fish of the genus Alosa 55. Force units 56. Similar in kind 57. Possessed 58. Distress signal 59. Grab
CLUES DOWN 1. Physicist Georg Simon 2. A raised platform 3. Celtic mother of the faeries 4. Fasteners secured by a pin 5. Quality of being morally wrong 6. Rabbit __, Updike novel 7. Hawaiian island 8. Young salmon 9. Clay soil layer 11. Drooped 12. Lampshade supports 13. Slang for trucks with trailers 14. White (Spanish) 19. Furnish with help 20. Supervises flying 23. Trade 24. Wuhan is the capital (var. sp.)
26. Hints 27. Green regions of desert 28. Baseball striker 30. Radioactivity unit 34. Regarded with reverence 35. Carelessly expends 37. A Chinese Moslem 38. Of a steady character 39. Early Christian pulpits 40. More (Spanish) 42. Television awards 43. Yellow-fever mosquitos 44. Openwork fabric 45. 10 = one kor 46. Comprehend the written word 47. Slang for a drunk 48. Ardour 49. An Italian's capital
"I remember that Paul McCartney song like it was yesterday." Laughs&Lifts.com
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BE PREPARED… CONTINUED FROM PAGE 14 Make sure you drink enough water, eat plenty of fiber, use probiotics and, if needed, enzymes to help with digestion. The B stands for Build. Give yourself a super nutritious foundation. Build up the weak areas of the body using high quality foods, extra antioxidant supplements and other nutrients of which your body may be deficient. The C stands for Cleanse. Include periodic detoxification as a preventative measure and identify areas that may need cleansing more often. The D stands for Direct Aid. Develop specific problem solving solutions tailored to you and your family’s individual health needs and come up with a plan to address those needs. Finally, learn what to do if, despite all of the prevention possible, you or a loved one gets sick. Since most people will get some sort of bacterial or viral infection within a year’s time, learning to change the body’s internal terrain is also a good method of preparation. Bacteria and viruses cannot survive in alkaline environments, but thrive in acidic ones. Learn what to eat and drink to increase your body’s alkalinity. Sicknesses also cannot thrive in highly oxygenated environments, so increase the oxygen levels of your body with exercise and proper breathing. Keep the natural filter systems of your body flowing with proper detoxification, massage and proper hydration. Finally, increase your immune system with proper foods, supplements and personal hygiene. As any Boy Scout will tell you, being prepared is of utmost importance and it will help you to live happily and without regret, knowing that you have done your best.
For questions, comments or to be added to Dr. Paramore’s newsletter, please call 334-7924001 or send an email to: naturalpathdoctor@yahoo.com. Laughs&Lifts.com
Colby’s Restaurant “All You Can Eat Buffet” Cooking With A Southern Flare We Cater any Special Occasion Banquets • Receptions • Showers
Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave. Downtown Dothan • 191 N. Foster www.colbysplace.com
LOGAN’S DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY 618 South Union Avenue • Ozark, Al. • 774-8012
FIRE RESTORATION SPECIALISTS 99% Success Rate • Lowest Prices Smoke Smell Removal Clothes • Drapes • Bed Linens • Shoes
1 Year Volume Discounts Start a subscription for yourself, your church staff, out of area family or friends, soldiers, or prisoners. A perfect gift for your friends or family. The more friends you bless, the more you save. 1 subscription $30 • 2-5 friend subscriptions $25 ea. • 5 or more friend subscriptions $20 ea.
Help Us Spread This Positive Message To The Wiregrass & The World.
Make checks payable to Parrish Publishing and mail to: P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 36361
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Aunt T’s Kitchen
Cookies
Welcome-to-the-Neighborhood Cookies
Italian Holiday Cookies
Ingredients · 1 cup butter, softened · 1/2 cup sugar · 1/2 cup packed brown sugar · 1 egg · 2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour · 2 to 3 teaspoons grated orange peel · 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon · 3/4 teaspoon baking soda · 1/2 teaspoon salt · Pinch ground nutmeg · Pinch ground cloves · 1 package (12 ounces) white baking chips Directions · In a bowl, cream butter and sugars; beat in egg. Combine flour, orange peel, cinnamon, baking soda, salt, nutmeg and cloves; add to creamed mixture. Stir in chips. Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 350°
Ingredients · 1 cup butter, softened · 2 cups sugar · 3 eggs · 1 carton (15 ounces) ricotta cheese · 2 teaspoons Spice Islands® pure vanilla extract · 4 cups all-purpose flour · 1 teaspoon salt · 1 teaspoon baking soda
Cranberry Oatmeal Cookies Ingredients · 1 cup butter, softened · 1-1/2 cups sugar · 2 eggs · 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract · 2 cups all-purpose flour · 1 teaspoon baking powder · 1/2 teaspoon salt · 1/4 teaspoon baking soda · 2 cups quick-cooking oats · 1 cup raisins · 1 cup coarsely chopped fresh cranberries · 1 tablespoon grated orange peel · 1 package (12 ounces) white baking chips Directions · In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda; add to the creamed mixture. Stir in the oats, raisins, cranberries and orange peel. Stir in baking chips. · Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 1012 minutes or until the edges are lightly browned. Cool on wire racks. Yield: 6 dozen.
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FROSTING: · 1/4 cup butter, softened · 3 to 4 cups confectioners' sugar · 1/2 teaspoon Spice Islands® pure vanilla extract · 3 to 4 tablespoons milk · Colored sprinkles Directions · In a bowl, cream butter and sugar. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in ricotta and vanilla. Combine flour, salt and baking soda; gradually add to creamed mixture. · Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 350° for 1012 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove to wire racks to cool. · In a bowl, cream butter, sugar and vanilla. Add enough milk until frosting reaches spreading consistency. Frost cooled cookies and immediately decorate with sprinkles. Store in the refrigerator. Yield: 8-1/2 dozen.
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Cookies
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Candied Fruit Cookies
White Chip Island Cookies
Ingredients · 1/2 cup butter, softened · 3/4 cup sugar · 1 egg · 1-1/4 cups allpurpose flour · 1/2 teaspoon baking soda · 1/2 teaspoon salt · 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon · 2-1/2 cups pitted dates, chopped · 1/2 cup each chopped candied cherries and pineapple · 3/4 cup coarsely chopped Brazil nuts, toasted · 3/4 cup chopped almonds, toasted Directions · In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in egg. Combine the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon; gradually add to the creamed mixture and mix well. Fold in fruits and nuts. · Drop by teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 8-10 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove to wire racks. Yield: 7 dozen.
Ingredients · 1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour · 3/4 teaspoon baking powder · 1/2 teaspoon baking soda · 1/2 teaspoon salt · 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks)butter or margarine, softened · 3/4 cup packed brown sugar · 1/3 cup granulated sugar · 1 teaspoon vanilla extract · 1 large egg · 2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) White Morsels · 1 cup flaked coconut, toasted if desired · 3/4 cup chopped macadamia nuts or walnuts Directions PREHEAT oven to 375° F. COMBINE flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, brown sugar, granulated sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Beat in egg. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in morsels, coconut and nuts. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets. BAKE for 8 to 11 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely
Two BY Two Petting Zoo Walk-Thru Indoor Exhibit
3 miles from Downtown Enterprise (231 County Road 540 ) Call for an Appointment (334)464-0543 Ask About Our Birthday Party Specials www.twobytwofarms.com
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Samuri SUDoKu
JANUARY 2012
Samurai - Puzzle 5 of 5 - Easy
9 1 2
6 7 9 3 8 3
1
5
4
8 3
2
7
7
9
1
1 9
6 3 4 8
3 1 2 5 4 7 6 3 1
5 7
4
9
8 7 2
2
9 4
3 5 2
6 9
6 4
7 8 5 8 1
8 9
2
4 7 8 5 6 3
3 8
5
3
1
5
6 2
6
6
4
2
2 1 7 8 1 4
1 8 6 2 1 9
6 2 7 9
8
www.sudoku-puzzles.net
MIKE HEATH Dale County Commissioner District 4
Charity Dewey collected lots of money from trick-ortreating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Dewey thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity." "God answers all prayers. Sometimes He answers, 'Yes,' sometimes He answers, 'No,' and sometimes the answer is, 'You gotta be kidding!'"
JURY DUTY When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."
Honest Leadership with Hometown Values. Paid Political Adv. By Mike Heath 1758 CR 344 Ozark, AL 36360
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If you received a poinsettia for Christmas you will notice that the colored leaves are beginning to fall off. This is normal and suppose to happen. Just know that the plant is looking toward a resting period so move the plant to a cooler, shadier place. Your plant may look very dismal. Water only when the dirt gets dry. In late April to Mid May, unless the stems are shriveled or turned brown, move the plant to a new pot and put the plant outside in a shady area. New leaves and shoots should appear. The Christmas Cacti you received will do very little growing in the winter. Like most cacti they are comatose at this time of year. They like bright light but not direct light and cooler temperature. Hold off the watering once blooming has stopped. When new signs of growth appear, start watering again. This would be a good time to repot the plant. Make sure the soil is well draining as the plants can easily rot. If you did not receive a plant as a gift---- just gift yourself with a plant. For the novice plant grower, try a heartleaf Philodendron, Snake plant, Wandering Jew or a spider plant. These plants are all easy to grow and are almost foolproof and practically indestructible. The Snake plant or mother-in-laws tongue is also a good plant to scrub the inside air. They need low light but do enjoy a splash of light on occasion. They are great for an office with florescence lightening. Be sure the pot has excellent drainage. For the more adventuresome there are the Philodendrons and Wondering Jews. They need filtered light and a little water. Then there is the Spider or Airplane Plant. These wonders make great hanging baskets and you can give your friends the tiny little plants that grow out of the mother plant. Just snip off a baby plant and place it in a pot of soil leaf side up and wait for it to grow. With a little patience and some TLC you can have a house full of plants.. Laughs&Lifts.com
THRIFT STORE RECYCLE CENTER & ANTIQUES WE NEED YOUR DONATIONS OF CLOTHES, ACCESSORIES, APPLIANCES, CARDBOARD & PLASTICS. MONDAY - SATURDAY 10 AM - 6 PM 178 WEST ROY PARKER ROAD • OZARK
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COUNSELING PLUS
“Your Source of Comprehensive Counseling With a Christian Option.” Ÿ Behavioral Problems Ÿ Academic Problems Ÿ Marital Problems Ÿ Depression Ÿ Anxiety Ÿ ADHD
AllKids Insurance *Medicaid & Tricare require a Doctors Referral CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! 334-774-5300 OR 334-774-5219 258 South Painter Ave. • Ozark, Al.
FAST FOOD "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,"' I told him. "All the food was slow." "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it." By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. Laughs&Lifts.com
JANUARY 2012 It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.' I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
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st
When You Advertise in Laughs Laughs& &Lifts
Franklin Financial
you put your message in the hands of 40,000 readers in 5 counties.
Serving Our Neighbors Since 1941
We Provide Personal Loans & Retail Financing
1696 U.S. Hwy. 231 • Ozark, AL 36360
Call Roger Parrish
334-774-7011
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*All loans subject to our liberal credit policy and limitations, if any.
Hiccup Cure Place a silver butter knife in an 8 ounce glass of water. Drink all 8 ounces of the water with the handle of the knife resting against your cheek. This may sound a bit crazy but it NEVER fails!
THE
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PLUNDER PALACE OPEN MON-SAT 9 TILL 5 HIGHWAY 123 N • OZARK, AL
774-3525 Laughs&Lifts.com
NEW & USED TIRES, OIL CHANGE, BRAKES, TUNE-UP & ROAD SIDE SERVICE 453 S. UNION AVE. OZARK, AL
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These 4 New Year pictures are hidden in ads through out this month’s Laughs Laughs& &Lifts For a chance to Win $100 in Gift Certificates Find all 4 New Year Pictures & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Mail or E-Mail the name of the 4 business’ where you found the pictures , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “Happy New Year”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Jan. 20th
THE OLDER CROWD A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I'm wondering, then,Just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked “NO REPEATS”
SERIOUS INCOME POTENTIAL!! Do You Live In Enterprise, Troy, Andalusia, Eufaula, Fort Walton Beach, Prattville, Auburn, Panama City, Montgomery, Albany, or Thomasville? Do you have sales or graphic design experience?
HOW BUSINESS IS DONE You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!!!!
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If you can't be a shining example, then just serve as a horrible warning. Christening Champagne When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift. In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!"
DALE COUNTY COMMISSIONER DISTRICT 4 PAID POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENT BY WES STRICKLAND 363 CR 333 SKIPPERVILLE, AL 36374
HOW DID YOU DO IT? A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" Laughs&Lifts.com
Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life
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1000 BUSINESS CARDS Full Color • Both Sides
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First National Bank Of Hartford Community Pride “Serving this fine community since 1905”
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POSTAGE FROM: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 334-379-7603
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