“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.. John 13:34
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FEBRUARY 2012
Enjoy Peace of Mind as you Enjoy Retirement!
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Taylor, Al.
The Name Says It All
The problem with quotes found on the internet is that they are difficult to verify."… Abraham Lincoln
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies & all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, & pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionmentorconfusiontoanyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamedentity.Thewritingscontained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603 laughsandlifts@live.com
Laughs&Lifts.com
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CENSUS TAKER
A Census taker came by and five year old Becky answered the door. "My daddy isn't home. He is a doctor and is performing an appendectomy today!" "Oh my! That's a big word for such a little girl, do you know what it means?" said the Census Taker. The little girl said "Sure! Fifteen hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Election Day MARCH 13,
N E P O The Market On Broad W O N
SMOKING AND PRAYING
Jack and Max are
Downtown Ozark…130 North Court Square • 334-443-0658
walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, " Father, may I smoke while I pray?" The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?" To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.” Laughs&Lifts.com
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FEBRUARY 2012
YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY ...for thinking before acting. ...for hearing before judging. ...for forgiving your enemies. ...for being candid and frank. ...for helping a fallen brother. ...for being honest in business. ...for thinking before speaking. ...for being loyal to your church ....for standing by your principles.
...for closing your ears to gossip. ...for bridling a slanderous tongue. ...for harboring pure thoughts. ...for sympathizing with the afflicted.
...for being courteous and kind to all.
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Title Cash 984 S Eufaula Ave Eufaula, Al 36027 334-687-1828
My granddaughter Ashley just started kindergarten the other day & she came home with the strangest tale I've heard in years. Seems like her school had a Cyclops for a teacher but he had to give up teaching as he only had one pupil. KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?
Make Today Your Payday! With A PayDay Loan
Title Cash 1120 W. Maple Ave. Geneva, Al 36340 334-684-2397
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid." CYCLOPS TEACHER
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Title Cash 2671-1 Montgomery Hwy Dothan, Al 36303 334-671-8588
TRUSTWORTHY MECHANIC
Title Cash 558 E Andrews Ave Ozark, Al 36360 334-445-3902
A little girl ran up to her father crying. "What's wrong, dear?" he asked, bending down to console her. "Billy broke my doll!" she sobbed. "How did Billy break it, darling'?" His sweet little child responded, "I hit him over the head with it."
"May you live all the days of your life."- Jonathan Swift
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ELECT
DEA Choir Songs The Top 14 Songs Performed by the DEA Choir (Drug Enforcement Agency)
SHARON ARD MICHALIC
14 - Amazing Grass 13 - Don't Sell It On The Mountain 12 - I Can Seize Clearly Now 11 - Don't Cry For Me, Noriega 10 - Who Let The Drug Dogs out?
DALE COUNTY PROBATE JUDGE
9 -Take Me To The Reefer
Keep 18 Years of “Hands On” EXPERIENCE in the Probate Office Working For You!
8 - Help Me, Ganja 7 - 99 Vials Of Crack On The Wall 6 - You Dropped A Bong On Me 5 - I Fought The Law, And The Law Went Medieval On Me 4 - Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round the Whole Crime Scene) 3 - Hey, 'Lude" 2 - Shoot Me Up Before You Go-Go
My work experience began with the Tax Assessor and Tax Collector Offices before transferring to the Probate Office in 1994. I have had the privilege of working for two past Probate Judges, the Honorable Curt Head and the late Honorable Floyd Johnston. Since 1999 I have served as Honorable Eunice Hagler’s Chief Probate Clerk. My duties include assisting the Probate Judge in judicial proceedings such as probate of wills, administrations of estates, guardian/conservatorships, adoptions, involuntary civil commitments, etc. Additional duties include assisting the Probate Judge in her position as chief election officer during election years, maintaining permanent records, performing marriage ceremonies and issuing various licenses. I have the knowledge and ability that only comes from years of “Hands On” experience. I ask for your vote and in return, I pledge to continue to be available, help support and serve the people of Dale County. Paid political advertisement by Sharon Ard Michalic & Friends 4179 E. CR 36 Ozark, AL
And the number 1 Song Performed by the DEA Choir... 1 - Yakety Yak, Don't Smoke Crack
"Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep." Laughs&Lifts.com
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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FEBRUARY 2012
24 HOUR TELEPHONE BANKING 334-588-2212
24 HOUR ONLINE BANKING FNBHARTFORD.COM
First National Bank Of Hartford Community Pride “Serving this fine community since 1905”
334-588-2211 101 South Third Street • Hartford, Al
PRAYER POSITIONS Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
ROLE REVERSAL A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?" "Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman. Laughs&Lifts.com
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VOTE
Encouragement and
Communication I've been talking about you a lot with the Lord, There was so much I wanted to say, I told Him how thankful and helpful you are, how I treasure you more every day. I tried to describe how just having you there can make things more special and fun. I said how loyal you are to your friends, and I thanked him for making me one. And I told him how much I keep learning from you, how your faith is inspiring to see. Then I asked Him if He'd let you know how I feel, and He said you should hear it from me.
Woodrow (Woody)
HILBOLDT
DALE COUNTY
PROBATE JUDGE PD. POL. ADV. BY FRIENDS OF WOODROW HILBOLDT, OZARK, AL.
STATMED FAMILY MEDICAL CLINIC An Affiliate of Dale Medical Center 1519 Andrews Ave. • Ozark, Alabama
- Unknown
The best inheritance you can leave your children is a good example. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.' Laughs&Lifts.com
Mon - Fri 7:30 AM - 6 PM Saturday - 8 AM - 5 PM ACCEPTING AND WELCOMING NEW PATIENTS YOUR HEALTHCARE NEEDS PROVIDED BY
Rifat Parwaiz, M.D.
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FEBRUARY 2012
Kenneth
PHILLIPS
Dale County Commisioner, District 4
“The right person, At the right time, For the right reason” I will have a taxpayer's agenda, not my own. I will be a team player with professionalism. I will maintain a passion for public safety and build bridges with key groups for a safe environment. I will strive for accountability and quality in our county government. I promise to listen to all residents and employees who have concerns and/or solutions. I will not pretend to know all there is to know about County offices but I will work hard to learn what I need to know to serve Dale County effectively and efficiently. I ask for your vote, support and the opportunity to serve YOU. Pd Pol Adv by Kenneth Phillips 528 N Co Rd 59 Ozark, AL 36360
Something To Offend Almost Everyone I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power...' A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually... ' Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed...
NEW & USED TIRES, OIL CHANGE, BRAKES, TUNE-UP & ROAD SIDE SERVICE 453 S. UNION AVE. OZARK, AL Laughs&Lifts.com
The last time there was this much excitement about a white Bronco…O.J. was riding in it.
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Presidential Quotes Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow trouble. George Washington Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe. Abraham Lincoln Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged. Ronald Reagan Government always finds a need for whatever money it gets. Ronald Reagan Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. Ronald Reagan I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man. George Washington Laughs&Lifts.com
LET US DO YOUR INCOME TAXES *RECEIVE YOUR MONEY WITHIN 3 TO 10 DAYS
This certificate entitles YOU to $30.00 back when you file your 2011 Taxes and are approved.* *Must file a Bank Product Return to redeem offer. *Redemption value not to exceed $30.00. MUST HAVE COUPON TO RECEIVE REBATE OFFER
SEND US A NEW TAX CUSTOMER THAT FILES & YOU WILL RECEIVE $25 EACH
LOAN AND TAX SERVICE 133 S. East Ave. Ozark, Al.
SAVE to % 0 4 60% MITCHELL FURNITURE 710 Boll Weevil Cir. Enterprise, Al. 347-3441
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FEBRUARY 2012
LOGAN’S ALL PRO TAKING CARE OF YOU AND YOUR AUTO NEEDS
774-0059
TIRES BRAKES ALIGNMENT TUNE UPS BATTERIES EXHAUST BELTS & HOSES STARTERS ALTERNATORS TRANSMISSIONS
WINDOW TINT CAR AUDIO ALARMS REMOTE START MOBILE TV STROBES CAMO WRAP VINYL GRAPHICS AUTO DETAILING KEYLESS ENTRY
K UC IES WRECKER CALL TR SOR 334-774-0059 S CK CE STO 334-608-2341 C A N I
SPR BED AY IN LIN ERS
171 N. UNION AVE OZARK, AL. 36360
Colby’s Restaurant “All You Can Eat Buffet” Let Colby’s Cater Your Special Occasion! ● ● ●
Downtown Ozark • 129 East Ave. Downtown Dothan • 191 N. Foster www.colbysplace.com Laughs&Lifts.com
The Airline Pilots Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off. Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands. Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Absolutely Gorgeous Home In Ozark, Alabama
AGENTS WELCOME
FOR SALE (334)237-2200
BY APPOINTMENT ONLY
5000 + - sq/ft CUSTOM HOME ON 7.5 ACRES 3 BED/ 3 BATH - Huge Custom Composite Deck- Pergola - Water Feature
1350 sq/ft heated & cooled garage 50KW Whole House Generator 500’ Rear Frontage on Panther Creek Golf Course
Blind Horse
$650K
(By Alison Cotter)
Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing. Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is -- trusting that she will not lead him astray. Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God. Prayer: Heavenly Father, who watches over even a blind old horse, thank you for watching over us and leading us to You. Amen
Being a success Success is not defined by obtaining everything you want, but by appreciating everything you have. -Laughs&Lifts.com
“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.” - Anne Frank
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SamurAi SUDoKu Samurai - Puzzle 4 of 5 - Easy
1
2
8
3 5
6 7
4 7 7
2 3 4 9 9 8 9 2 3 1 6 2 4 7 8 2 4 3 1 7
4
1 8
3 4 4
7 9
2 2
9 6 3
7 5 9
8 1 6 1 2
6 1 4 8
8 5 2
4 5 8
3 7
7
4 5 6 2 1
9 6 9
7
2
3
8
6 8
1
9 1
3
7 5
4 2 8 1 7
8
3 7 9 2 1 4 8
www.sudoku-puzzles.net
MIKE HEATH Dale County Commissioner District 4
Honest Leadership with Hometown Values. Paid Political Adv. By Mike Heath 1758 CR 344 Ozark, AL 36360
Laughs&Lifts.com
Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life
FEBRUARY 2012 Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Flowers Please A man walks into a florist’s and says: “I’d like some flowers please.” “Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?” “I’m not sure.” “Perhaps I could help.” suggested the florist. What exactly have you done?”
My parents were so poor, they got married for the rice. Bob Hope Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
Sign On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." 334-379-7603
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DONALD O.
GRANTHAM DALE COUNTY DISTRICT 2 COMMISSIONER I will offer the Citizens of District 2, Full Time Management, leadership, dedication and dependability. Your vote and support will be greatly appreciated. Paid political advertisement by Donald O. Grantham 185 Grantham Way, Daleville, Alabama
“Find The President”
Signs You Probably Have Never Seen In a restaurant window: "Eat now, pay waiter." Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI: "PUSH. If it doesn't open, PULL. If it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED."
We Have Hidden 4 Presidential Photos in ads through out this month’s Laughs Laughs& &Lifts FOUR People Will Win A $25 Prize Find all 4 Presidential Photos & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Mail or E-Mail the name of the 4 business’ where you found the photos , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “PRESIDENTS”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Sept. 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
Health Concepts
Sign in school near clock:
Organic Food Store
"Time will pass; will you?" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." Laughs&Lifts.com
Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ
Gluten Free Products Nature’s Sunshine Products Smoothie Bar Hallelujah Acres Products Health & Diet Books 1901 Wise Drive, off Ross Clark Circle • Dothan Always Open Online At www.ShopHealthConcepts.com
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Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.
Southern Installations Cabinet Shop Dan Barefield
FREE In Home Estimates
Cell 334-726-3459 Office 334-774-9579
Who Reads Laughs& Laughs&Lifts? Lifts You do & 40,000 POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS! Laughs& &Lifts! Lifts! Reach them with your message in Laughs Call Roger Parrish for Advertising 334-379-7603 “A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops a clock to save time” Henry Ford during the Other Great Depression
How Tax Cuts Work, an amusing, and maybe even illuminating, story.
The interesting thing about this item, which has been going around since around 2001, is the authorship. It's often claimed to have been written by David R. Kamerschen, a "Distinguished Professor of Economics" at the University of Georgia. He says he didn't write it, and doesn't know who did. Others say it was written by T. Davies, Professor of Accounting and Chair of the Division of Accounting and Business Law of the The University of South Dakota School of Business. He says he has his students read it as a thought exercise, but didn't write it -- and doesn't know who did. And so it goes; no one really knows. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100 If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
Laughs&Lifts.com
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh $7. The eighth $12. The ninth $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement -- until one day, when the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
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GATEWAY REALTY
1000
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BUSINESS CARDS
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Industrial Lubricants Automotive Lubricants No Ethanol Gasoline Gasoline Kerosene Diesel Fuel Hwy & Off Hwy Diesel
Office: (334) 774-7035 Cell: (334) 618-1652 Fax: (334) 774-1446 Southern Linc: 151*371 A Division of Midstream Fuel Service LLC
www.pepcoweb.com Red Piper Sales Representative red.piper@martinmlp.com
2937 N. US Hwy 231 Ozark, AL. 36360
334-379-7603 sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal. So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!" Laughs&Lifts.com
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.
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access applian ces cage couch courage dinner drive entire gene honey house joint kisses Liquid manage mouth noise ourselves
phone pizza prank queen rate ruse savings seen shake shred suite through underw ear walk weekend wheat white whole
"Before you act, listen. Before you react, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you criticize, wait. Before you pray, forgive. Before you quit, try." - Ernest Hemingway
FiND YOUR PLUNDER AT THE
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Toll Free 1-888-968-2727 Local 334-886-9111 Locally Owned & Operated Laughs&Lifts.com
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774-3525
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"Polar bears can't jump." - Black bears
"Just tell me what you need, and I'll see to it that something ought to be done!" Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week? A: A widow
A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln
WHAT A WAY TO SPEND THE AFTERNOON CUSTOM DECKS PATIO COVERS SUNROOMS SCREEN ROOMS SEAMLESS GUTTERS CARPORTS & AWNINGS COMMERCIAL CANOPIES COMMERCIAL WALKWAYS
WRITTEN LIFETIME WARRANTY ON ALL ALUMINUM PRODUCTS! FREE ESTIMATES LICENSED BONDED INSURED
DECKS UNLIMITED 334-701-9500 Making Dreams Come True In The Wiregrass For Over 10 Years! rlavender320@centurylink.net
I can make more generals, but horses cost money. Abraham Lincoln
Cloud 8 Two angels are talking on Cloud #8 when one says, "Well yes, I’m happy but, I COULD be happier."
Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ
Fenton Glass Carnival Glass Depression Glass Cast Iron Candles
OLD THINGS NEW THINGS & EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ
Collectibles Furniture Toys Books Records
Monday - Thursday 10 AM - 6 PM • Saturday 10 AM - 2 PM Closed Friday and Sunday • All Credit Cards Welcome
334-774-8436 123 South Court Square • Ozark, Alabama
Laughs&Lifts.com
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FEBRUARY 2012
PIECES ON VIEW The Dale County Council of Arts and Humanities at the
&
LIVESTOCK FEED IN STOCK CALL FOR PARTS DELIVERY Bennett Auto Parts LLC 912 Andrews Ave. Ozark, AL.
334-774-1130
Laughs&Lifts.com
Ann Rudd Art Center (DCCAH) will host PIECES ON VIEW from February 14 through March 12, 2012. A reception will be held on Saturday evening, February 25 from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. The show will feature assemblages and paintings by Annastasha Larsen and Marie B. Martelly -- two young artists who were brought together by the military when both of their husbands were sent to Air Force Helicopter training here in Alabama. Annastasha Larsen received her BFA in Studio Art from Brigham Young University in 2010. She typically works with oil paints, painting wildfire landscapes, dogs, and whatever else inspires her. She loves to experiment with different mediums and materials. Annastasha’s most recent series explores the concept, meaning, and memories of home and family
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FEBRUARY 2012 using pieces of household objects in assemblage, collage, and painting techniques. As a military spouse, she enjoys the adventure of living in new places and meeting new people. She was born and raised in California and has lived in Utah, Mississippi, and currently Alabama. Marie B. Martelly was born into an Air Force family in Newport News, Virginia. She has lived in many states, as well as in Germany and Canada, but calls Greenville, South Carolina home. Marie completed two years of college at the United States Air Force Academy, but her passion for art led her to transfer to McGill University in Montreal to study Art History. Marie’s artwork is based on very small collages that she translates into a much larger scale on canvas. The randomness of the collagaed images in her paintings creates a sense of ambiguity, challenging viewers to see familiar objects in a new light. The Dale County Council of Arts and Humanities at the Ann Rudd Art Center is located on the square in downtown Ozark.
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FEBRUARY 2012
Aunt T’s Kitchen
PORK CHOPS
Sweet Potato Pork Chops
Pork Chops with Orange Rice
Ingredients 4 boneless pork loin chops (1/2 inch thick) 2 teaspoon vegetable oil 4 slices onion (1/2 inch thick) 4 slices each tart apple and peeled sweet potato (1/2 inch thick) 4 tablespoons brown sugar 4 tablespoon water 4 tablespoons raisins 2 tablespoon soy sauce 2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce Directions In a skillet, brown pork chops in oil; place in a 2-qt. baking dish. Top with onion, apple and sweet potato. Combine the remaining ingredients; spoon over the top. Cover and bake at 350° for 35-40 minutes. Yield: 4 servings.
Ingredients 4 bone-in pork loin chops, (1/2 inch thick and 8 ounces each) 1 tablespoon canola oil 1-1/3 cups uncooked instant rice 1 cup orange juice Salt and pepper to taste 1 can (10-1/2 ounces) condensed chicken with rice soup, undiluted Directions In a large skillet, brown pork chops in oil on both sides. Sprinkle rice into a greased 9-in. square baking dish. Add juice; arrange chops over rice. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Pour soup over chops. Cover and bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes or until a thermometer reads 145° and rice is tender. Let meat stand for 5 minutes before serving. Yield: 4 servings.
Low Country Smothered Pork Chops Ingredients 4 center-cut pork chops, 1-inch thick, trimmed of fat. Salt and freshly ground black pepper Ground cayenne pepper(use sparingly) 2 tablespoons butter + 2 tablespoons olive oil 1/4 cup all-purpose flour, spread on a plate 2 medium green bell peppers, stemmed, cored, and membranes removed, cut into strips 2 yellow onions, trimmed, cut lengthwise 3 cloves garlic, minced 2 cups chicken broth 2 to 3 dashes Worcestershire sauce Directions Season chops well with salt, pepper, and cayenne. Melt the butter & oil in a skillet over medium heat. Lightly roll the chops in flour, shake off the excess, and slip them into the pan. Brown well, about 3 minutes per side, and remove them to a plate. Add the bell peppers and onions, to the skillet, and saute until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook until fragrant, about half a minute longer. Push the vegetables to the side of the skillet. Add chops to pan and place vegetables on top of pork chops. Pour in the broth and sprinkle with Worcestershire sauce. Cover pan with foil and allow to simmer for 45 minutes or until chops are tender.
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Can you bite into an Apple? Now with new mini dental implant technology you can enjoy secure eating comfort in one appointment.
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PORK CHOPS Golden Pork Chops
Tropical Pork Chops
Ingredients 1 can (14-3/4 ounces) cream-style corn 1/2 cup finely chopped onion 1/2 cup finely chopped celery 1/2 teaspoon paprika 1-1/2 cups crushed corn bread stuffing 4 boneless pork loin chops (3/4 inch thick and 6 ounces each) 1 tablespoon brown sugar 1 tablespoon spicy brown mustard Directions In a large bowl, combine the corn, onion, celery and paprika. Stir in stuffing. Transfer to a greased 11-in. x 7-in. baking dish. Arrange pork chops over stuffing. Combine brown sugar and mustard; spread over chops. Bake, uncovered, at 400° for 35-40 minutes or until meat juices run clear. Yield: 4 servings.
Ask Dr. Gaunt “Your Hometown Dentist” Dear Laughs&Lifts Readers, I wanted to take the opportunity this month to introduce myself and to this monthly writing that will hopefully be an informative and friendly question and answer dialog about the often mysterious and intimidating world of dentistry! I've been in dentistry since 1991 and in Dothan for 10 years. I have a general dental practice that focuses on the aesthetic restoration of the teeth. That includes a wide range of services from simple white fillings in back teeth to custom designed smiles. We see patients who need dentures and partials, or those who may need dentures stabilized with mini implants. We also have hygienists to help care for your smile! That's enough about me, I'm interested in what YOU want to know about dentistry! Please submit your questions to Laughs and Lifts and the publisher will forward them to me for an upcoming issue. And don't worry, your submission will be anonymous. Until next month, Heath and Happiness to You, Geoff Gaunt, DMD Please submit questions for Dr. Gaunt to: P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 or LaughsandLifts@live.com
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Aunt T’s Kitchen Ingredients 1/3 cup ketchup 2 tablespoons prepared mustard 2 tablespoons brown sugar 1 tablespoon cider vinegar 1-1/2 teaspoons soy sauce 1/8 teaspoon garlic salt 1/8 teaspoon onion salt Dash cayenne pepper 4 boneless pork loin chops Salt and pepper to taste 1/4 cup chopped onion 2 garlic cloves, minced 1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1/3 cup water 1/4 cup pineapple tidbits Hot cooked rice Directions In a saucepan, combine the first eight ingredients. Cover and simmer until sugar is dissolved, about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat; set aside. Season pork chops with salt and pepper. In a skillet, cook pork, onion and garlic in oil until meat is browned. Add water and reserved sauce. Cover and cook over medium-low heat for 20-25 minutes or until the meat is no longer pink, adding more water if needed. Stir in pineapple and heat through. Serve over rice. Yield: 4 servings.
NOTE TO HUSBAND! Your dinner is in the recipe book page 32, and the ingredients are at the store
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FEBRUARY 2012
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HEALTH MESSAGE FROM MAXINE. As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot. It's the tortoise life for me! 1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me!
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Cruisin' for a Brusin' I doubt it's a true story, but the recent disaster with the Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Winston Churchill: After his retirement, Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian 5 journalists asked why 2 an ex-British Prime Minister should chose 1 an Italian ship. 7 "There are three things I like about 9 being on an Italian 3 cruise ship," said Churchill. 4 "Yes?" said the 6 journalists. "First, their cuisine is unsurpassed." "Oh yes!" agreed everyone within earshot. "Second, their service is superb!" "Indeed!" said the gathering crowd, all smiles. "And the third?" urged the closest newspaperman. "Well," Winnie said, "in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first!" Laughs&Lifts.com
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FEBRUARY 2012
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SOLUTION ON PAGE 28 Laughs&Lifts.com
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The Sower By: Wallace Kennedy, Jr.
Page 25
GET THE LOOK FOR LESS
Many of us have experienced planting seeds or have some knowledge about it. I encourage 124 N. COURT SQ. OZARK, AL. you to consider spiritual or kingdom principles to sowing seeds. We must find suitable ground to sow our seed, free from: rocks, thorns, shallow-ground or sand. Our hearts are like the soil, must be cultivated and prepared to receive the seed. Also, we plant our seed deep enough that it will take root, so when the storms, Coffeehouse ~ Arts Center testing and trails of life come; the seed will remain anchored and not Daily Lunch Specila Posted on be destroyed. www.facebook.com/justfolkcoffeehouse We must nurture our seed through watering, fertilizing, removing unwanted weeds and foreign objects. So therefore we should: speak the Word of God, read about it, study it and pray about it. Only God can bring increase, so we hope, have faith, and have great expectations of a harvest that will produce much fruit. Remember my friends, whatever you plant will take root and grow. If we plant corn the harvest will be corn. If we plant love, love will return to us in like manner which we have showed to others. What are you planting? What are you sowing? Start a subscription for yourself, your church staff, Genesis 8:22 While the earth out of area family or friends, soldiers, or prisoners. remains, seedtime and harvest, A perfect gift for your friends or family. cold and heat, summer and winter, The more friends you bless, the more you save. and day and night shall not cease. (Amplified Bible) Consider this thought: Whatever in 1 subscription $30 life I am lacking or have need of, if • 2-5 friend subscriptions $25 ea. I sow/give it away, it will come • 5 or more friend subscriptions $20 ea. back to me. Luke 6:38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will Help Us Spread This Positive Message return to you in full—pressed To The Wiregrass & The World. down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.[a]” (NLT) Laughs&Lifts.com Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life 334-379-7603
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FEBRUARY 2012
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When you are feeling down 1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep. 2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention. 3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. 4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1. 5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices. 6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. 7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open. 8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do. 9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time. 10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished. 11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge. 12. Don't learn safety rules by accident. 13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves. 14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise. 15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out. 16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word. 17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out. 18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!
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FASCINATING FACTS The Only Written Language Ever Invented by Just One Man Though he never learned to read and write English, Sequoyah singlehandedly brought literacy to the Cherokees. Fascinated by white men s books, this son of an Indian woman and a white trader dreamed of creating a written language. His breakthrough came when he divided all Cherokee sounds into 86 syllables, devising a symbol to represent each one. Inspired by the script in missionary Bibles, Sequoyah used it as the basis for his new alphabet, turning letters upside down or on their sides, sometimes adding curlicues. However intricate the designs, their function was simple, and Sequoyah taught his five-year-old daughter to read in less than a week. In 1821 a group of skeptical tribal chiefs also mastered the alphabet in seven days, then gave Sequoyah permission to teach the language to the whole tribe.
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Here are some real puzzlers for you! Decipher the hidden meaning of each set of words. Answers on page 31
After his death in 1843, this Cherokee chieftain was honored in a way that made his name known far and wide: the towering redwood trees of California were named Sequoias. Laughs&Lifts.com
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PAIN IS NOT NORMAL “Choose the path to health, and enjoy the ride.”
Dr. Michael Talley, Chiropractic Physician
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Extreme Makeover Home Edition TV Show Tax Issues By:Roberg Tax Solutions Ever watch those reality TV shows and wonder how the winners pay their taxes? You’ve probably heard about Richard Hatch, the “Survivor” winner who wound up going to jail for not paying taxes on his winnings from that show. And what about the “Extreme Makeover Home Edition” people? They basically live in shacks that get remade into mansions. Those people are poor and they’re not getting cash money, so how do they pay the taxes on their new homes? I’ve got some answers for you.
Generally, if you win money or prizes on a game show, the money or the cash value of the prize is taxable to you on your personal income tax return. That’s why if you’re ever on a game show and your choice is the prize or the cash, my advice is to take the cash so that you can pay the tax. Extreme Makeover Home Edition is a little different. The winners usually don’t get cash and the value of the makeover can be worth over a million dollars, so how do those people deal with the taxes? The answer: they don’t. You see, according to IRS regulations, if a tenant makes improvements to a landlord’s property, the landlord is not required to pay tax on the property improvement made by the tenant. When Extreme Makeover comes knocking at the door, they sign a lease that says they’re renting the property from the homeowner. That makes those crazy improvements they do tax free! There’s also a whole lot of things that go on during that week that
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you don’t get to see. For example: when you watch the show, you see them putting up one home. In reality, they’re shooting two shows at once and Ty Pennington and the other stars are racing back and forth between two home building sites. Putting up one home in a week would make me dizzy, I can’t imagine working on two at a time. Another issue that they have to settle before a family is selected is the mortgage. ABC actually works with the mortgage holders of the properties to make sure they won’t foreclose on the winners after the project is done. Sometimes on the show you’ll see a scene where the mortgage is forgiven by the bank. That too would create a tax situation for the winner, but once again, Extreme Home Makeover has done their tax homework. When a mortgage debt is for the purchase or improvement of a taxpayer’s main home, then when the debt is forgiven. That debt forgiveness is excluded from the income at tax time, so the Extreme Makeover winners don’t pay tax on their debt forgiveness either! Another big win that you see a lot on Extreme Makeover is some local college will grant scholarships to the kids. Once again, college scholarships aren’t taxable, ka-ching! I love this show.
Stuart
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Now sometimes you’ll see a family get a car or something else—that is still taxable and when that happens, the winner will get a 1099MISC for the value of the prize.
3 h1 c r Ma e t Vo
th
When it comes to the best bang for the buck, Extreme Makeover Home Edition gets the prize for the best tax-advantaged reality show on TV. Laughs&Lifts.com
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Worries about a risk
Most Couples Have Not Had Hundreds of Arguments. They’ve Had The Same Arguments Hundreds Of Times! An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic." SPOT THE 5 DIFFERENCE IN THESE PICTURES
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There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Coyote Solution Environmentalists and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the environmentalists had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't having sex with our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.
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