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2:00 AM NOV 6TH
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Women's Language Translated Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need... = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Laughs&Lifts.com
Sticking Out At our daughter's high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings. I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."
"Meditation is not what you think."
"Lord, help me to do great things as though they were little, since I do them with Your power; and little things as though they were great, since I do them in Your name." Blaise Pascal
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OLDER PEOPLE Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get old. I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-yearold father. The older man began to set up the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best. Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!" The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"
IT IS IN THE CARDS Two little boys were talking. One said to the other, “Do you believe anyone can predict the future with cards?” “Oh, yes,” said the other boy, “my mom can. She took one look at my report card and told me exactly what would happen when my father got home!”
The decisions we make today will determine what decisions we can make tomorrow! Laughs&Lifts.com
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The idea of becoming a totally paperless office looks good on paper. NO MORE WORRIES!! I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son’s driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that says, “How’s my driving?” and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I’ve been making $38 a week.
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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories,
SUCCESS is having the courage to meet failure
helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not
without being defeated.
necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
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We Have Hidden 5 FOOTBALLS in ads through out this month’s Laughs Laughs& &Lifts For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes Find all 5 FOOTBALLS & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Mail or E-Mail the name of the 5 business’ where you found the FOOTBALLS , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “FOOTBALL”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on NOV. 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
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Blond Painting a Couple of Rooms This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Ability, Motivation & Attitude Ability is what you're capable of
Walmart
doing. Motivation determines
Save money, Live Better.
determines how well you do it.
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what you do. Attitude
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NOVEMBER 2011
What is Sex? A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,' 'Mum, what's sex?'' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said,' 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?''
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CONGRATULATIONS Kaci Daughtry of Dothan!
Kaci won the “Find The Horses contest in the October issue of Laughs&Lifts. Kaci receives 4 Troy University football tickets, courtesy of Jenna Mack, State Farm Agency in Ozark, Free Admission To McClellan’s Zoo Critters in Banks, Al. for 4 children when accompanied by at least one paying adult, and 4 admission tickets to the National Peanut Festival and a six month subscription to Laughs& Laughs &Lifts. Lifts Kaci, an avid Alabama Fan, lives in Dothan where she works at Prime Med. I thank everyone that entered and I hope you all had fun finding the Horses. The Hidden Object contest is new each month and the winner receives a prize package worth at least $100. Laughs&Lifts.com
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NOVEMBER 2011
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What Mom Taught Me MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" MOM taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
AT THE
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MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
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MOM taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident." MOM taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
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MOM taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." MOM taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?" MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Don't exaggerate!!!" MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" MOM taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." Author Unknown
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NOVEMBER 2011
MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. The agenda was adopted . . . the minutes were approved . . the financial secretary gave a grief report. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa." "Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Laughs&Lifts.com
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e h T o T Letters EDITOR The day I ran across “Laughs&Lifts” I’d found out I had breast cancer. Little did I know how much reading it would get me through the next few days. I believe in laughter for healing/attitude. Thanks, Dothan
Linda
Note from the Editor: Almost every week I receive letters telling me how much they love Laughs&Lifts, and how this “little magazine” touched their lives. I urge every reader to patronize the advertisers who make these testimonies possible. Thank you and God Bless You All, Roger
NOVEMBER 2011
Campaign Funding Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!
Faith “Putting all your eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch."
Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled THE WIREGRASS around the kitchen table. SINCE 1974 The training officer was www.RoadMartTire.com discussing the behavior of fire: 90 Days Interest Free "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming Tires ~ Batteries ~ Brakes ~ Wheels ~ Exhaust T une-ups from the eaves, blackened out Alignments ~ Heating & AC Oil, Lube, & Filters ~ Belts & H oses windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very 2606 Ross Clark Cir. 270 Ross Clark Cir. 5200 Boll Weevil Cir. 482S. Union Ave. dangerous to fire fighters, he Dothan, Al. Dothan, Al. Enterprise, Al. Ozark, Al. instead heard from one quick wit, 334-774-9345 334-393-0503 334-794-8521 334-792-1195 "You got the right place." Laughs&Lifts.com Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life 334-379-7603
SERVING
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NOVEMBER 2011
WIN 2 TICKETS TO THE PEANUT FESTIVAL!! NAME THE TV SHOWS WHOSE CHARACTERS APPEAR ABOVE! JUST FOR FUN ! HOW MANY CHARACTERS CAN YOU NAME? First 2 people who email the correct answers WIN! 1 Entry Per Family
laughsandlifts@live.com
"It must be unbearably distracting to talk to young people if your name is Like."
Happy Birthday Bill A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old." By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday." Laughs&Lifts.com
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NOVEMBER 2011
Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.
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The 50-50-90 rule. Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Shaved By Grace After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved." Laughs&Lifts.com
"My life is based on a true story."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. well Did you hear? It was recently discovered that research may just be what causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. I wished the buck stopped here, I could use a few. Never Forget: When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Marriage & Haunting An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she began to do things that she was never before able to do because of her fear of her husband. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
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Harvest of Blessings 7 LB Sweet Potato! My name is Pat. I would like to share a story with you that will inspire anyone of all ages to enjoy life, and to live a healthier and happier way of living. It’s a story of identical twins that has always been extremely close. Their names are Christine Byrd and Maxine Tharpe of Ozark, AL. Both are retired nurses from Southeast Alabama Medical Center. They are 70 years old, married and have wonderful families. Their days always begin with long walks in the woods and they have always prepared meals that are healthy for their families. They do almost everything together they even share in teaching young people in Sunday School at Pleasant Grove Baptist Church of Ozark. But this year they decided for the first time ever to share in having their very first vegetable garden all by themselves. They started in April planting beans, corn, Irish potatoes, sweet potatoes, peppers, squash, zucchini, tomatoes, okra, peas, and even watermelons in a very small area approx. 60 feet x 30 feet. In October they were still shelling peas from their garden. They love the garden and working together. But the most exciting thing is now happening. They are digging their sweet potatoes. Now mind you these ladies are healthy, identical twins age 70 and about 115 lbs each. They began digging up potatoes expecting to find lots of nice red sweet potatoes. They found nice red sweet potatoes all right, but to their surprise the bounty of their garden is overwhelming. The sweet potatoes weigh as much as 7 lbs each. What started out as a hobby to feed their family more healthy food has become more fun and adventurous than they could imagine. Two lovely ladies enjoying life to the fullest, planting, working and harvesting the first job God created, working in a garden. What a Blessing! Maxine and Christine said, “Everything belongs to God!” Their favorite scripture is Psalm 24:1. “The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it, the world and all who live in it.” And you know because “the earth is the Lords” all of us are stewards or caretakers. We should be committed to the proper management of this world and its resources. And God will shower us with His Blessing. I hope this story has inspired your family to spend more time together praying, planting, and getting the Harvesting of Blessing that God has in store for you. I thank my Heavenly Father for special caring people like Christine and Maxine. Because of their inspiration my husband and I have already started planning to have a garden next year. We are going to name it “Harvest of Blessings.” Maxine and Christine enjoyed their garden so immensely they have now added there winter crop; Collards, Turnips, Rutabaga, Cabbage, and Mustard. “Plant a garden this year!” Plant seeds of hope. Have faith and receive God’s Blessings. Happy Gardening!!
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NOVEMBER 2011
The gardens chores are still with us. Rake the leaves, shred and compost them. Blow the leaves off your ground covers so the leaves don’t smother your plants. Use broadleaf weed killer on that persist wild garlic and HAND pull the entire bulb or it will just grow back again. Your newly planted things still need watered frequently and the house plants should be brought back inside. There is still time to dig, divide and plant or replant your perennials. Don’t forget the roses. It also a good time to move shrubs or to plant trees. Check out your local garden center to see what’s available. If you have these pesky deer chomping in your yard try hanging human hair in mesh bags around their favorite plants. Alternate with bars of strong scented soaps, paper bags of bloodmeal or strips from white plastic bags. Deer become accustomed to anything so be sure to move them frequently. If you use deer repellant be sure to reapply every two weeks. If you have collected seeds or have left over seeds try storing them in glass jars. Put a small dab of powdered milk wrapped in white tissue paper inside the jar with the seeds to absorb the moisture and store in the fridge until next spring. If you don’t have room in the fridge put the jars in a cool dry place. Personally, I put an old fridge in the garage and store my seeds and bulbs in it. Of course, I also use it to cool the extra watermelon or the extra 2 liters of soda. Have you considered a cold frame? It is easy to make and to use. The back of it should face north and it should be 3’ x3’ or 3’ x6’. The back should be 18” to 30” high and the front should be 12” to 24” high. The sides should drop 1” per foot. It can be constructed out of block or wood. Fill it with a good soil mix and plant your winter garden. The covering should be clear. I used old storm windows as my cover. Just remove them in the morning and cover the frame at night when the temperatures start to drop. When you bring your houseplants inside be sure you are not bringing in toads, lizards or other pests. (This is the voice of experience here) Reduce the water but quit fertilizing for the winter. If the dirt pulls away from the pot the plant is overly dry. It will need to be placed in a basin of water to soak up water from the bottom. The plants should be placed with south facing exposure to get all the sunlight they will need. To spruce up your house for the coming holiday consider adding Amaryllis or African Violets to your house for some color.
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Now is the time to review your garden tools. Think back over the past year. Is there a tool that would have made your work easier, more fun? Are some of your tools wearing out? This is a good time to add these items to your Christmas wish list and post it on the fridge. How about a grow light too? Happy Thanksgiving, Sharon
Laughs&Lifts.com
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NOVEMBER 2011
Slanderous Statements A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
1 Year Volume Discounts 1 subscription $30 • 2-5 subscriptions $25 ea. • 5 or more $20 ea. Start a subscription for yourself, your church staff, soldiers, or prisoners.
NO TURKEY! It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything." Laughs&Lifts.com
Laughs& Laughs &Lifts Subscriptions
Please Help Us Spread This Positive Message To The Wiregrass & The World. Help Us Reach Our Goal of 1000 NEW Subscriptions Before Christmas.
Make checks payable to Parrish Publishing and mail to: P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Alabama 36361
PAIN IS NOT NORMAL “Choose the path to health, and enjoy the ride.”
Dr. Michael Talley, Chiropractic Physician
Alignment Chiropractic 1550 Andrews Avenue Ozark, Alabama 334-445-2525
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NOVEMBER 2011
Walking Through Chinatown
Fenton Glass
Collectibles
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Furniture
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OLD THINGS, NEW THINGS & EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
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Ozark, Alabama
Pocket Taser This was written by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry? The old man answers, Is name of owner. The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner? Me...is right here,replies the old man. You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen? Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name? I say... Sem Ting.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 29 Laughs&Lifts.com
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Perception of others The perception of wisdom is not measured in the words spoken, but in the restraint of the words that shouldn't be.
Officer Overboard On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?" "I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily. "Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?" The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
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"A woman who puts detergent on the top shelf jumps for Joy."
"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!" "When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change." Laughs&Lifts.com
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124 N. COURT SQ. OZARK, AL. 334-774-7900
Auto Insurance Meeting with my auto-insurance agent, I confessed that I'd been comparing rates on the Internet and had gotten a quote that was 30% less than his. "Tell me, sir," he responded, "when you have an emergency, whom do you want to deal with, a man or a mouse?"
Burial Costs "It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
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Looking Back at Romance "I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!" "You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it's not a mistake, it's a choice."
Man vs. Woman
America is kike a healthy body and its resistance is threefold: Its patriotism, its morality and its spiritual life. If we can undermine these three areas, America will collapse from within‌ Joseph Stalin Laughs&Lifts.com Bringing Laughter & Encouragement Into Your Life
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Don’t Just live…THRIVE!
Natural Path Center for Disease Prevention & Reversal
Dr. Ashley Paramore, N.D. Naturopathic and Integrative Medicine
At Natural Path, we offer many natural alternatives to pharmaceutical drugs, such as immune support for cancer and other chronic illnesses, bio-identical hormonal support, supervision of metabolic detoxification programs. Dr. Paramore will help with childhood illnesses such as ear infections, sinus and allergy problems, skin disorders, asthma, ADHD, food sensitivity tests, as well as weight management and lifestyle modification, gender specific and geriatric health issues, along with many other services. Dr. Ashley Paramore specializes in natural and integrative medicine and treats people of all ages and most conditions, focusing on the …treating each person as an individual. Our Office Is Open BY APPOINTMENT ONLY
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Fighting Autumn Allergies and Back to School Sniffles By: Dr. Ashley Paramore, N.D.
Sneezing, wheezing, runny noses, watery eyes, coughs, fever, headaches, aches and pains,…. the list could go on. These are the symptoms that many people suffer on a daily basis during the fall season. A lot of this can be contributed to the start of the school year when people are coming in from being out in the sunshine all summer and spread germs around while cooped up in offices or classrooms for up to eight hours a day. This may be made worse by the crop harvest. Many people are quite allergic, not to the crops themselves, but tom the “dust” that is stirred up that has absorbed pesticides, herbicides, and fungicides or grown mold all spring and summer. When this dust is released into the air, it can affect people for miles around. People are often confused because the symptoms of a virus and allergies are so similar. The best way to tell the difference is that viruses generally last for five days, have a fever much higher than an allergy fever, and the mucus from a virus explodes forward (dripping, runny nose or sneezing until your nose is bright red). Allergy mucus drains down the throat, not out the front. CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
S o m e d is c o u n ts , c o v e ra g e s , p a y m e n t p la n s a n d fe a tu re s a re n o t a v a ila b le in a ll s ta te s o r in a ll G E IC O c o m p a n ie s . S e e g e ic o .c o m fo r m o re d e
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There is a lot of throat clearing from allergies and it can last for several weeks (or the length of the season). Both allergies and viruses can make the fall a most miserable time of the year.
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? There are several things that can help. Begin by taking a hefty dose of locally made honey every day starting about two weeks before the fall harvest starts. Then, start supplementing with a good quality Vitamin D a couple of weeks before school starts. Next, identify and stay away from any food sensitivities that may affect you, to minimize the strain on your immune system. Decrease the amount of “white foods” that you eat, in general. And, of course, wash your hands often. Obviously, a fall visit with your Naturopath is recommended so that your treatment will be tailored to you personally because each person is different, but these suggestions are a good start to a more pleasant fall season No matter if you have suffered from allergies, or just occasionally get a little cold, with a little bit of effort, fall can become a very enjoyable time of the year for you and a time to enjoy the bounty of God’s many blessings. If you would like to be added to the Natural Path mailing list, please send an email to NaturalPathDoctor@yahoo.com or write Dr. Paramore, Natural Path, 4440 West Main St. Suite 3 Dothan, Al. 36305 Laughs&Lifts.com
Steve Woodard 334-797-3534
871 CR 566 Ozark, Al. 36360
“New Family…… Life Style Changes” Dear Dave, I just got married to a wonderful lady with two children. We’ve talked over our financial situation, and we’re determined to get out of debt within two years. This will mean some big changes in our teenager’s lifestyles. How can we break this to them gently? Dan Dear Dan, Having your wife, who is also their mother, on board with the plan makes a big difference. I think all of you need to sit down and have a frank, but loving, discussion about the changes that are going to come with this marriage for everyone. The kids have to adjust to a stepdad being on the scene, just like you have to adjust to a new marriage where teenagers are part of the package. Let them know that you don’t want to be the bad guy, but that you and mom have been looking at the money situation, and things just don’t add up. Then, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for mom to speak up at this point. Let her tell the kids that you’ve both decided it’s time you made the money behave, and this will mean some lifestyle changes for everyone. Listen to reasonable input from them, and let them know their thoughts and feelings matter. But they also need to know things are going to be different, and this part needs to come from mom. Otherwise, they’re likely to see you as the wicked stepdad! —Dave
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Out Of This World Intelligence Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."
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FRENCH CLASS A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
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Men/women are like a fine wine Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with. Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. Musicians A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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NO TURKEY! It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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NOVEMBER 2011
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Autumn Soups
Curried Acorn Squash Soup
Ingredients
Ingredients ·
3 medium acorn squash, halved and seeded
·
1/2 cup chopped onion
·
3 to 4 teaspoons curry powder
·
2 tablespoons butter
·
3 cups chicken broth
·
1 cup half-and-half cream
·
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
·
Salt and pepper to taste
·
Crumbled cooked bacon, optional
Directions ·
Place squash, cut side down, in a greased shallow baking pan. Bake at 350° for 35-40 minutes or until the squash is almost tender.
·
In a large saucepan, saute onion and curry powder in butter until onion is tender. Remove from the heat; set aside. Carefully scoop out squash; add pulp to saucepan. Gradually add broth. Cook over medium heat for 15-20 minutes or until squash is very tender. Cool slightly.
·
In a food processor or blender, process the squash mixture until smooth; return to saucepan. Stir in the cream, nutmeg, salt and pepper. Cook over low heat until heated through (do not boil). Garnish with bacon if desired. Yield: 4-6 servings.
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Creamy Pumpkin Soup
·
1 medium onion, chopped
·
2 tablespoons butter
·
2 cans (14-1/2 ounces each) chicken broth
·
2 cups sliced peeled potatoes
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1 can (15 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin
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2 to 2-1/2 cups milk
·
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
·
1/2 teaspoon salt
·
1/4 teaspoon pepper
·
1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream
·
1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
·
3 bacon strips, cooked and crumbled
Directions ·
In a large saucepan, saute onion in butter until tender. Add the broth, potatoes and pumpkin; cook until the potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes. Remove from the heat; cool. Puree half of the mixture at a time in a blender or food processor until smooth; return all to the pan. Add the milk, nutmeg, salt and pepper; heat through. Meanwhile, combine the sour cream and parsley. Spoon soup into bowls; top each with a dollop of sour cream and sprinkle with bacon. Yield: 6 servings (1-1/2 quarts).
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NOVEMBER 2011
Autumn Soups
Aunt T’s Kitchen Golden Autumn Soup
Harvest Sweet Potato Soup
Ingredients
Ingredients ·
1 cup chopped celery
·
1/2 cup chopped
onion
·
1 tablespoon canola oil
·
3 medium sweet potatoes (about 1 pound), peeled and cubed
·
5 medium parsnips, peeled and chopped
·
5 medium carrots, sliced
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2 medium onions, chopped
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1 medium sweet potato, peeled and chopped
·
1 medium turnip, peeled and chopped
·
2 celery ribs, sliced
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3 cups chicken or vegetable broth
·
2 bay leaves
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1 bay leaf
·
3 cans (14-1/2 ounces each) chicken broth
·
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
·
·
1/4 teaspoon salt, optional
2 cups half-and-half cream or evaporated skim milk
·
1 teaspoon dried tarragon
·
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Directions ·
·
In a Dutch oven, saute celery and onion in oil until tender. Add remaining ingredients; bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat; simmer for 25-30 minutes or until potatoes are tender. Discard bay leaf. Cool slightly. In a blender, process soup in batches until smooth. Return all to pan and heat through. Yield: 4 servings.
Directions ·
In a soup kettle or Dutch oven, combine the first eight ingredients; simmer for 30 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Remove bay leaves. Let cool for 20 minutes. Puree in small batches in a blender; return to kettle. Add cream, tarragon and pepper; heat through. Yield: 12 servings (3 quarts).
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NOVEMBER 2011
An Irreversible Choice!
New Neighbor
By; Wallace Kennedy Every day is filled with decisions; and the further we are into the decision-making process, the more difficult it is to reverse them. Take buying your first home. It's much easier to change your mind prior to signing the papers than after the home is yours. At some point, we're committed to our decisions and cannot easily undo our choices, if at all. Many have and will reject the salvation message of Jesus Christ. If we ask, we will discover that there are many reasons why. We are where we are today because of choice, and our tomorrow is determine to today’s choices And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us. Luke 16:26 In telling us about Lazarus and the rich man, Jesus indicated that on earth we have the opportunity of making spiritual decisions that will transform our lives and determine our eternal destination. But at the moment of death, that opportunity is gone forever. In hell, the rich man earnestly desired to cross over to be with Abraham and Lazarus in God's heaven, but there was "a great gulf fixed," and he was unable to do so. Read Luke 16:1931 for the story. The Bible says that today is the day of salvation; now is the time to be saved (2 Corinthians 6:2 For He says, In the time of favor (of an assured welcome) I have listened to and heeded your call, and I have helped you on the day of deliverance (the day of salvation). Behold, now is truly the time for a gracious welcome and acceptance [of you from God]; behold, now is the day of salvation!). When we pause to think of the limitless duration of eternity, how important to choose Jesus now and to follow Him with all our hearts!
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
"An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult."
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SPELLING Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
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NOVEMBER 2011
KEEP
IT
L O C KED
THE SPONGE On a recent trip to the grocery store I discovered a new kitchen product. It has probably been on the market for years, but I just haven't noticed it before. It is a sponge, similar to the one I use in my kitchen. One side is just like my old sponge, dried and brittle before soaking, and the other side is made of a material for scrubbing. I bought the sponge, took it home, and tried it. First I soaked the sponge side with water, added some detergent and then I used the scrubbing side and went to the task at hand. Yes, it worked wonderfully well! I was glad I didn't have to drag out other cleaning materials from under the sink and tackle the dirty pot with them!! The sponge did the job quite well, using one side, then the other. The sponge would have been useless if it hadn’t absorbed the water before I had started my task. If it were all dried up and impenetrable, the entire procedure would have been for nil. The same is true for a Christian. We must allow God to penetrate our hearts through His Word, to soften us up and make us pliable as we absorb His truth as it applies to our lives as well as the lives of others. After we have soaked up a good store of His truths He is ready to send us into the work field. The “scrubbing” side of us- the working side- is now more equipped and able to do the job God needs us to do, and we will be effective workers for Him. We must always remember to go back to His Word to be prepared for the work force, or we will become dry and brittle once again.
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334-379-7603 CONTINUED FROM PAGE 16 Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A threesecond burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Still in shock, Tommy
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SLOW .. traveling at the speed of God I heard a sermon a while back with a 4 step plan for success in this world of rush hour traffic, high speed internet, microwavable Thanksgiving dinners that feed 12, Cable TV, DVDs, CDs, MP3s which all feed our sensory overloaded life. These 4 steps are 1. Slow down 2. Pay attention to God 3. Confession of Sin to others 4. Scripture meditation and memorization. SLOW.. traveling at the speed of God is a good way to put it. Don't slow down and be lazy.. but don’t allow this world to be your pace car. Turn off the TV, and turn on some QUIET. Instead of watching reality TV, or a CSI marathon ( and I like CSI ), put on some music.. read a book, take a walk, ride a bike, enjoy a hobby… And on the topic of reading a book… how about reading The Good Book.. It really is not a boring or painful task but instead is the word of God and I do not nearly spend as much time in as I should. I know Leviticus has killed many a well intentioned Bible venture, but there is more to the Bible than a list of begats, and guidelines for which bull to sacrifice, or sheep to floss?
Now this pace-4-life-plan makes sense but my over caffinated system analyzes a complex to-do and to think list that leaves my brain spinning like a hamster in a wheel. I am a good guy, and I work hard with my share of successes and failures, but I am realizing again the need for each day to start quietly with God. With prayer and devotions that are not reduced to a to-do list. I need to be in tune (or is it toon) with God. SLOW.. traveling at the speed of God. could make me a more successful athlete. SLOW.. traveling at the speed of God could make me the talk on Wall Laughs&Lifts.com
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NOVEMBER 2011
Street. SLOW.. traveling at the speed of God would confound the great minds of Oprah, Dr. Phil, and any garden variety Vulcan and bring me true prosperity.
The logic of this world (an oxymoron) says the race goes to the fastest runner, wealth is measured by bank account balance and credit score. This logic of man and is rewarded by .. man. The world praises great athletes, oggles supermodels, envies the rich & famous, and the powerful run this planet. Thee media focuses on disasters, world tensions, wars and rumors of wars and ONLY fits in good news at the closing lighter side moments on the evening news. Instead of being caught up following the pace car of this world.. let’s SLOW DOWN.. and travel at the speed of God moving from the lillife in the fast lane to the sane lane where we can hear God's voice. May God bless each of you this day moving SLOW.. traveling at the speed of God. Jeff ‌.www.thebackpew.com
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