Excuses 81 Sardines

Professor Dick Bohrer

f ou callthe bookstore. "Aremy textbooks in?"

A brightvoiceanswers, "One moment, please I'llcheck."

You wait,praying You know ifthey'rein,you'llhaveto rewritetheassignment scheduleyou createdwhen you firstlearnedthetextbookswould belate "Lord?"

You hearherliftthephoneand inhale. "Yes, they'rein. Tellyourstudents to come getthem."

You spend thenightrevisingyourlessonplansand homework schedule. You catchthe two-cent-a-copyatOfficeAmerica and rushto yournextclass, allsmiles.

"Thenew booksare in. You canpickthem up any time," yousay.

"Idon'thave$30," saysamalewho forgotto takeoff his cap.

"I wentto the bookstoretoday," saysSweetYoung Thing, "and theytold me they'renot in yet."

You groan You excuseyourself You gropeto the nearestsecretary's phone

"Aremy textsin?" you saythroughyourteeth. You learnthepersonwho told you theywerein was apart-timepersonwho checked the wrong list Backto square one You revivetheoldscheduleand go on, knowing thishappensin universitiesall overthe country.

In class,you missan athlete

"Oh, hewas crushed underapile-upin Saturday'sgame He'llbeoutall week."

You missanA student

"Oh, heate downtown and got foodpoisoning."

You askfor homework.

"My computergotaglitchand itwon'tprintout Can Iturnitin latertoday?"

"Someone stolemy book."

"Ijust gotmy book outof the lost and found I'llhavethehomework donebyFriday."

"My grandfather'sinthehospital Iwasup allnighton the phone."

Ifapicturespeaksa thousand words, then Dr.Homer Blass'sofficewrites athesis Blasshas been anassociate professorofhistory atLUsince1983.

You openyourfolderto hand backthe assignmentsyou wereup untilmidnightcorrecting. It's thewrongfolder.

You openyournotebookto beginteachingthelesson. You broughtthewrong notebook.

You'vegotto thinkof something They paid$700for yourcourse

"HaveIeverintroducedyou to the fineindexin the text?" you findyourselfsaying. Fortunately, thereare26letters. One lettereveryminuteand ahalfshould getyou through thehour. You wishsomeone would raise his hand and askyou ifyou still beatyourwife. No onehasenergy to raise ahand. No one's hadbreakfast.

You make itthroughthe hour,wondering atthepuzzled lookson students' faces. Ifsnottillyou aregatheringyourbooks and straighteningyourclothes thatyou discoveryou dressedin thedarkand didn'tcompletetheprocess.

"Why didn'tsomeone tell me?" you mutterto no one "Studentsshouldtakecare of theirteachersand notlet them stand up hereand —" s By now you'rein theparkinglot Someone hasparkednoseto tailbehind you and someone elsehasparked acrossyourfront bumper. Fortunately, his motofsrunning. Youwait.

You reachfor yourlunchboxsoyou can eat whileyou wait. Ifsnothere. You leftitat home. Atleastthere'sacanof sardinesin the bottom deskdrawerin youroffice

Thestudentcomes, givesyou awave and drivesoff

You goto yourofficewithyourarmload of homework papersto correct You stand atyour office doorand shiftthepapers to yourotherarm soyou canreachintoyourbackpocketfor yourkeys Something in yourpilestarts to slip A book goesfirst Your papersavalancheto thefloor Your notebookfliesas you reachto catchsomething— anything

You open thedoorand sagontoyourswivelchair You gatheryourpapersand putthem down on yourdesk You yearnfor the simplelifeof astudent ,,,-,,.;, You swivelaround and reachfor thesardinesin yourdesk. You open the bottom drawer. It's empty. W&ts:, use yournoodle

A messy desk is the sign of a genius, or so many profs would tell you. Although itlooks like a bombshell just hit,most profs would describe their work space as organized chaos

Bohrenng? Never. Prof. Dick Bohrer implements innovative techniques to keep his News Editing class awake and attentive He is also known for his use of song and dance

_p|l campus

Ion stationisa g groundfor astjournalism sjors, Seen on i television, LBU's student *jrlersteamthe newscasting tinglocaland twodd events

Inamatteroflifeand death, would you know whattodo? LU nursing and community health studentswould They must successfully perform medical proceduresontest dummies beforethey can completethe program.