LHM Magazine "In His Image" by Living Hope Ministries

Contents In His Image .............................................................. 3 Steady and Faithful in the Face of Change ................ 4 A New Chapter .......................................................... 5 In This Together ......................................................... 6 Living Out Our Hope ................................................. 8 Living Out Our Mission .......................................... 10

BOARD OF DIRECTORS Rev. Bob Stith Chairman of the Board Sue Bohlin Secretary of the Board Larry Forkner

True Freedom .......................................................... 12

Michael McFarlane

Transformed by His Word ....................................... 14

Rev. Ricky Chelette Executive Director

He is Enough ........................................................... 16 Michael and Jennifer ............................................... 20 I’m Not Alone .......................................................... 22 Letting God Work .................................................... 24 A Journey of Hope ................................................... 28 Christ, My Living Hope ........................................... 31 Church Pews and Bar Stools ................................... 32

STAFF Rev. Ricky Chelette Executive Director Bonnie Scasta Women’s Ministry Director Bruno Borges Men’s Ministry Director Director of Operations Sam Parrish Campus Director, LH Charleston, SC Chris Ward Campus Director, LH Houston, TX

Relentless Pursuit .................................................... 34

Marsha Development

I Kissed a Boy and I liked It (Kind Of) .................... 36

Chris Media Director

livehope.org 817.459.2507 PO Box 2239 Arlington, TX 76004

Our Mission Living Hope Ministries seeks to proclaim God’s truth as we journey with those seeking sexual and relational wholeness through a more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. 2

Living Hope Ministries is a non-profit, nondenominational, 501(c)3 organization. All gifts and donations are tax deductable. Copyright 2015 Living Hope Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part must cite Living Hope Ministries, author’s name when given, and www.livehope.org.

By Ricky Chelette, Executive Director Who are we? It is a fundamental question that occupies both the most erudite of philosophers and the common man on the street. It is an essential question for every person to answer as the conclusions drawn from the query direct the way we live our lives.

this magazine, I hope you will see the power of God at work through LHM. The legacy of LHM grows daily as our people live out faithfully submitted lives—in defiance of the prevailing cultural narrative—and boldly demonstrate a life lived in His image!

In a world of mixed messages and conflicting narratives, it appears we can be anything or anyone we want to be. No longer do societal boundaries, biology, nor genetics provide definition for our identities. Instead, we have become people defined by moods, feelings, impulses, desires, and personal passions. In doing so, we have lost our moorings and become adrift in a sea of delusion and self-gratification.

However, there is so much more to do. Never before has our world needed the work of LHM as it does today. In response to this need, we are excited to add two new staff members: Bonnie Scasta, as Women’s Ministry Director, and Bruno Borges, our Men’s Ministry Director and Director of Operations. Bonnie and Bruno bring unique gifts to these positions that will move LHM forward in reaching men and women with the transformational power of the gospel.

Yet, in the heart of man, there is a hope. A hope present because we are not mere accidents of coincidence, nor the random collision of molecular matter. Rather, we are intentional creations of God imbued with the imago dei— the image of God. This distinguishes us from every other creature in all of creation and grounds us to a truth beyond our selfdelusions and personal desires.

With these talented and committed leaders in place, I plan to spend a significant amount of time devoted to resource materials to be used by parents, churches, and those struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions or gender confusion. The lessons learned at LHM through decades of ministry give us a unique voice to speak into the Church and Christendom as we navigate the changing sexual landscape of our world. We will continue to conduct support groups, both in-person and online, and we will seek to improve and enhance these experiences for all involved. We will also continue to speak at churches, seminaries, denominational conventions, and groups throughout the world to help people respond biblically and redemptively to the issues of sexual and relational wholeness in Christ. Be on the lookout for LHM Hopecast (podcast) as well as new video resources and enhanced and revamped online resources in 2017. I am excited about the opportunities for the coming year!

At Living Hope Ministries (LHM), we help men and women understand who they really are, why they may feel different than their Creator’s design, and how they can align their lives with His intent for their creation. For twenty-seven years, LHM has embraced the truth of God’s Word and communicated that truth to those seeking answers to the most basic question of life: Who am I? Through biblical exposition, discipleship, mentoring, and education, we equip people to walk faithfully as men and women created in His image.

However, we can only continue this ministry with your faithful support. LHM receives no money from corporate sponsors, governmental agencies, or secular foundations. 76% of our income comes from individuals who have been impacted by or believe in the ministry of LHM. In a day when our message and ministry are coming under ever-increasing critique and attack, your prayers and financial support are critical. Lives are on the line. Families are in the balance. Please join us in this movement to recapture biblical truth in sexual expression. Help LHM share the transforming message of the gospel that gives true definition to who we are as men and women created in His image!

As the world continues to move away from a biblicalsexual ethic, LHM remains committed to standing strong on God’s Word. Despite what some would have you think, people are indeed earnestly searching for real answers. Calls and inquiries for help continue to pour into our office daily as individuals look for sexual and relational truth in the face of the confusion propagated by the world. Our Houston and Denton satellites continue to add new people seeking hope and help, as does our home-base in Arlington. Charleston continues to makes inroads with churches and denominational entities. Additionally, our online ministry, with over 8,700 members, continues to add over thirty people each month from countries all around the world. Our participants are getting married to opposite sex partners in glorious celebration of God’s design, while others are serving God as joyous single adults committed to His Church, and still others are raising amazing families deeply dedicated to God’s design for humanity. As you read the stories in

STEADY and FAITHFUL in the face of Change

By Rev. Bob Smith, Chairman of the Board I first began saying that homosexuality would be a watershed issue for the church in our generation in 1994, and given recent events, that statement seems to become more true with each passing day. Dr. Al Mohler, president of Southern Baptist seminary in Louisville, Kentucky said, “The Christian church faces a ‘gay revolution’ challenge that is shaking its foundations like few others have since the death of Christ. In less than a generation, homosexuality has gone from being almost universally condemned to being almost fully normalized in the larger society. We are facing a true moral inversion.” As bible-believing Christians increasingly face the weight of financial punishment and public ridicule, as new laws attempt to change our views on homosexuality, prominent church leaders and public figures acquiesce to pressure and decide the Bible doesn’t really mean what we’ve always thought it meant.

are those who have been coerced by parents or their church. Yet, the reality is that there are thousands of men, women, and young people all over this nation who long to know a way out. There are thousands of family members who desperately want to know how to love their child, brother, sister, or close friend without compromising their own faith. Living Hope exists to be a light in this darkened world, a beacon of hope for those whom our world would seek to blind to any possibility of hope. We are so thankful for those of you who have helped make this ministry possible. You will never know this side of eternity what your support has meant. I want to encourage you to continue to faithfully give to Living Hope Ministries. As I’ve said many times before, we have been incredibly blessed to have Ricky Chelette serve as our director. Having been involved in these ministries for over 20 years, I can tell you I’ve never met anyone better equipped to lead Living Hope. When Ricky became director we were in a bit of financial trouble and he was the sole employee. He now leads a staff of six and has helped establish satellites around the country.

It is difficult in these tumultuous times to know where to stand. However, I am grateful to be part of a ministry that has not shifted with the winds of public opinion. Living Hope Ministries stands on the same, sound foundation that has existed since its inception. That doesn’t imply a close minded, hard-nosed fundamentalism rooted in bigotry. It speaks of those who are willing to stand firm on the unchanging Word of a faithful, eternal God, a God who created mankind and has not changed His intention for that creation.

Your prayers and support help make Living Hope possible. Please continue to make this resource available.

It may appear from news media and entertainment that the only people who would seek out a ministry like Living Hope

A NEW CHAPTER By Bruno Borges, Men’s Ministry Director and Director of Operations same-sex attraction was the only place she found this support. She soon invited me to explore this ministry with her. I quickly joined the forums and discovered all of the unique resources Living Hope had to offer. For the first time in my life, I encountered men who were able to understand my feelings and the circumstances that I had lived through. The men of Living Hope not only helped me fully understand

JESUS USED THAT TIME IN MY LIFE TO FORGE AND STRENGTHEN ME FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS

My personal journey away from homosexuality has always been accompanied by the prayer that God would give me the opportunity to reach those stuck in the same situations that once bound me. Now, after years of prayer, I am humbled and honored to serve Him as the newly appointed Men’s Ministry Director and Director of Operations for Living Hope Ministries.

my story, but they daily reminded me of how Jesus never forsook me during those dark years; instead, Jesus used that time in my life to forge and strengthen me “for such a time as this.”

My wife, Giselle, and I first discovered Living Hope over ten years ago. While thinking through the possibility of dating—and potentially marring—a man who struggled with same-sex attraction and was HIV positive, my wife embarked on a research journey to find resources and godly counsel. Living Hope’s online support forum for wives of men who struggle with

After nine years of prayer and serving on staff in a local church, Giselle and I finally received a “Yes” from the Lord to move to Texas and partner with Living Hope. As a couple, we clearly heard God’s call for us to share and minister through our story. God’s grace in helping me walk away from homosexuality, finding and marrying each other, and being blessed with three amazing children despite

my HIV positive status, was a trophy of God’s grace and glory. Even though I have only been here for a short time, I am already awestruck by the miracles that God has done—and is doing—in the lives of our participants. He has truly grabbed the men and women who come through our doors by the hand and walked with them out of false identities, maturing them into the Christ-like men and women He designed them to be. I am also very excited about serving alongside Ricky Chelette in the planning, development, and growth of new projects within Living Hope. As we begin a new chapter of the Men’s Ministry here at Living Hope, I am eager to get to know and support our men through the resources we already have in place. However, I am also looking forward to extending our horizons towards the development of new support in specific areas such as being married and struggling with same-sex attraction, succeeding as a father who struggles with same-sex attraction, and living for the glory of God with same-sex attraction and HIV. I ask that you continue to pray for Giselle and me as we embark on this new journey. We know the enemy is not happy as with fight for freedom and identity restoration through the power of Christ Jesus, but “Greater is He that is in us, than he who is in the world.” May His name be glorified in all we do!

IN THIS

TOGETHER

By Bonnie Scasta, Women’s Ministry Director Stepping into my role as Director of Women’s Ministry at Living Hope has fulfilled years of prayer, patient preparation, and a longing to walk out the calling I believe the Lord has clearly placed on my life—to speak freedom through the gospel to those struggling with or impacted by same-sex attraction. I am truly humbled that the Lord would grant me the privilege to walk with and shepherd the women of our in-house, online, and satellite ministries. Despite the ever increasing antagonism of the cultural climate, I am excited for the opportunity to lead by example as we grow deeper in our relationship with Christ and understand what it means to be godly women.

From day one of joining leadership, my goal has been, and remains, to remind our ladies that we are never alone. The women’s ministry experienced a large transition this past year with the departure of our former Director, D’Ann Davis. Although the women’s groups have been marked by a great sadness as we celebrate the end of a remarkable season of ministry under the direction of D’Ann, we are eager for what the Lord is doing and will continue to do in the days ahead. I am keenly aware that the Lord transforms lives at Living Hope. From day one of joining leadership,

my goal has been, and remains, to remind our ladies that we are never alone. Rather, we collectively serve the Lord, each woman adding a unique component that makes this ministry great. Together, we are the tools the Lord uses to bring about His work. Together, with the power of God’s Spirit, we can accomplish the impossible. I believe that this cooperative work begins from a foundation of prayer. We want to move as the Lord directs and be about His business. Yet, due to the international presence of our ministry, it can be hard to know how to connect our women across the globe as they fight the good fight. Despite our various geographic locations, prayer enables our women to care for the needs of one another, to entreat the Lord for those in the far country, and to seek His guidance as we move forward together. We are expectant for the Lord to answer requests, change hearts, and knit our lives together in the process. In addition to praying for and with one another, our leaders have faithfully met monthly to pray, discus ministry needs, and receive additional equipping. Like Ricky, Bruno, and me, our leaders are profoundly aware that the world stands against the biblical-sexual ethic Living Hope espouses. Because of this, our leaders take their roles seriously, knowing that we will only be successful if we are united with each other through the Spirit. The women’s ministry would not be what it is without these leaders’ sacrificial love, commitment to the gospel, and their own stories of transformation. I am hopeful that over the next year, we will be able to invite more women to join our leadership team as “leaders in training.” I am convinced that the only way our ministry will continue to expand is

We are expectant for the Lord to answer requests, change hearts, and knit our lives together in the process. through a commitment to equipping and discipling women to become strong leaders. Additionally, I also want to develop a regular rhythm of prayer so that we can see more lives transformed as our women live out a biblical-sexual ethic in a confused and watching world. You also can join us and be a part of our modern day miracles here at Living Hope! Please join our team by praying for the Women’s Ministry. In addition to asking the Lord to bring new ladies who need help, please pray that all those with whom we have contact might grow deeper in their intimacy with Christ. Ask with us that more leaders would be trained and join in the work, and that God would be glorified as we walk with Him side by side.

L I V I N G

H O P E

H O U S T O N

By Chris Ward, Campus Director, LH Houston, TX churches in the Houston area as possible so that we can continue to journey with those who seek truth and hope through Christ. Additionally, we plan on expanding our volunteer base and intend to have a Living Hope Houston Banquet in 2017.

After years of dreaming and praying, the Houston satellite of Living Hope had our very first meeting late in February 2016. Several years before, I would never have imagined that I would be in attendance at this inaugural event. However, through a clear leading, God redirected my family from mission work in Haiti to Houston, where He called us to plant and shepherd the Living Hope Houston satellite. After much prayer, training, and prep work, God brought twenty-nine people together that first night. What an incredible excitement was in the air that evening as we knew that God had birthed this satellite in order to connect us to those in the Houston area who were seeking sexual freedom through Christ. Our volunteer team has found their own place within the ministry based on their gifts, talents, experiences, and passion, and is an integral part of the success of Living Hope Houston.

Please pray for our team and our work in Houston. We know that the enemy does not want Living Hope in Houston and he will fight us all the way. Thankfully, “Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.” If you know of anyone in the Houston area who would benefit from Living Hope Ministries, have them contact us through the “Contact Us - Houston” tab at livehope.org.

As we approach our one year anniversary, our vision for the future is clear. We plan to spend the next twelve months connecting and partnering with as many of the

By Samuel Parrish, Campus Director, LH Charleston, SC Living Hope Charleston began its second year of ministry in June of 2016! Over the last year, we have had the incredible pleasure of speaking at and partnering with both the most historic churches on the Charleston peninsula and the newest church plants in the greater Charleston area! Our primary focus remains to advance the gospel in the city through education in the church and community and weekly support groups. 50 people move to Charleston every day and many of them have no idea what it means to live as someone made in the image of God. We have the privilege of walking with those experiencing sexual and relational brokenness and their families here in the Low country, and increasingly across the state of South Carolina!

when it came to his sexuality. He saw the long drive ahead the next day as a major decision point for the rest of his life. With some assistance from a mentor, he had found some measure of sobriety from his addictive online behaviors, but still longed for that one man who would make everything all right. Over the next two hours, we talked about many things, but the lights really came on as we dug down to what it means to be in Christ. He was a man, made in God’s image, complete with dignity, purpose and worth. It may take the rest of his life to learn what it means to find his deepest satisfaction in God, but he left that day knowing he was loved and that he wasn’t alone. We believe there are many more of these stories awaiting us in the days ahead. God’s timing isn’t always what we expect, but his faithfulness is never in question. If you know someone who could use the free support Living Hope offers in South Carolina, we do ask you refer them to us as you are able. These stories are only possible if people know we exist, and the task is too big to do alone. Your prayers and support are a great encouragement as we serve our city and around the world!

The progress of the last six months did not come without obstacles! Several unexpected challenges with our supporting churches delayed the introduction of Living Hope at the congregational level well beyond what we first expected. The nature of our ministry requires a unique balance of accountability and anonymity which has made finding a permanent office location a continuing strain on getting a healthy, consistent group off the ground. God is beginning to open real doors in this area even now, and my wife and I are encouraged as we see these long-awaited breakthroughs! Just two weeks ago, we received an email from a young man about to head back for his second year of college. When we met, he shared how even with a lifetime in a healthy church, and parents who loved him and loved the Lord, he just wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this “Jesus thing”

OUR PARTNER CHURCHES First Baptist Church, Arlington, TX All Saints Anglican Church, Dallas, TX The Harbor, Friendswood, TX Alsbury Baptist Church, Burleson, TX Park Cities Presbyterian Church, Dallas, TX Parkway Baptist Church, McKinney, TX

The Village Church, Flower Mound, Dallas, Fort Worth, Plano TX Antioch Community Church, Waco, TX Bent Tree Bible Fellowship, Carrollton, TX Rockpointe Church, Flower Mound, TX

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Church of the Open Door, Waco, TX Cornerstone Baptist Church, Terrell, TX Southside City Church, Fort Worth, TX Victory Life Church, Battle Creek, MI Denton Bible Church, Denton, TX

First Baptist Church, Midlothian, TX Tabor Presbyterian Church, Muncie, IN First Baptist Church, Charleston, SC Saint Michaelâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Church, Charleston, SC Riverbluff Church, Charleston, SC

TRUE FREEDOM By Doug, 29 Growing up with two older brothers in a variety of small towns, it seemed to me that guys were only interested in two topics: sports and cars. Unfortunately for me, the only thing I’m worse at than talking sports and cars is faking interest in sports and cars. I figured I could either give up on making male friends or I could look up what a carburetor was. Thus, I quickly became very introverted. I grew up in a Christian family with wonderful parents, and was saved at an early age. We went to church every week and usually more than once a week. Despite my introverted nature, a competitive spirit grew in me and I decided that if I couldn’t be good at sports, I would be good at church. Basic Christian morality was rightly held in high regard in our house, and I started to develop a lot of pride around church because I was pretty good at following rules.

the promise that He had already saved me because I found it impossible to believe I could be a child of God and still have my broken desires. Consequently, I found myself stuck in a cycle of sin, shame, doubt, and hopelessness. When I was in high school, I went to a Christian book store to try and find a book about homosexuality. After finding one, I was too embarrassed to walk up to the counter where everyone in the store could see it, so I ended up purchasing a stack of books that I did not want in order to bury the one I did. I wish I could say I sat down and read the book, but I was so scared that someone would see it I hid the book in the attic. In the summer of 2007, my sin became more than I could handle. The world was telling me that it was ok to be a homosexual, but based on my interpretation of the Bible I believed I was doomed to spend eternity in hell. I wanted to convince myself that I could be both gay and a Christian, but somehow I knew that it wasn’t possible. I knew I could no longer fight on my own, but I had attached too much shame to the struggle to come out to anyone. By this time I had spent ten years trying with everything I had to hide this part of my life. I was terrified that anyone would find out, and at the same time I desperately wanted to be able to tell someone. I was tired of feeling alone all the time, but I believed there weren’t any Christians who would accept me if they knew who I really was. I remember telling God that I was willing to do whatever it would take to get rid of my struggle with homosexuality,

As much as I wanted to, I always seemed to struggle when it came to relating to other guys. Around age twelve, the jealousy and desires I had to be like the other boys became sexualized. I started to lust after the masculinity that I wanted to possess. This was when I began believing the lie that I was gay, and it didn’t take long for that identity to take root.

When my Christian faCade collided with my sexual desires for men, I was crushed by a shame that I had never felt before.

except for one thing. I told him repeatedly that there was no way I would ever tell anyone about my struggle. This shame kept me from seeking help, and my pride led me to believe that I could overcome the struggle on my own. Eventually this cycle of pride and shame became more than I could bear. By God’s grace I decided I would give Him one more chance at fighting the sin, and then I would just give up. I didn’t know what fighting homosexuality would look like, but I knew I was afraid of what giving up would look like. As I was considering my options I remembered the book in my attic, so I grabbed it while no one was home. The preface of the book mentioned that fighting homosexuality would require opening up to someone about the struggle, so I flipped to the back hoping to find some other quick fix. It wasn’t there, but what I did find was a link to a website where I found a support group in Arlington, Texas, called Living Hope. I was skeptical at first, but I was a poor college student and it was the only free option I could find. I decided to give it a try, and from my first night at Living Hope, I knew my life had changed.

This was, of course, a huge shock to the side of me that took great pride in being a “good Christian.” I continued going to church, but it was simply a place where I could pretend to be perfect. When my Christian façade collided with my sexual desires for men, I was crushed by a shame that I had never felt before. In the churches I attended, homosexuality came up, but I don’t remember grace ever being mentioned in those sermons. Preachers would joke about God making Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I was pretty sure that I was Steve, and I didn’t know what to do with that. I truly believe that I had the unforgivable sin, and my inability to kill my addiction to porn reinforced that belief. I spent countless nights begging for God to save me or kill me. I was never able to take hold of

It was at Living Hope that I found people who personally understood what I considered to be the darkest and most wicked parts of me, yet they still cared about me. People openly talked about their sins without fear or discomfort. The sin wasn’t trivialized, but neither was God’s infinite grace towards sin. Tim Keller writes, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” I thought that if these people could know me and love me then maybe God could do the same.

defining healing as the absence of struggle and instead I have learned how to struggle well. I have learned that I need brothers to fight with me. At Living Hope I’m in a community where I don’t have to pretend to be the perfect Christian; I don’t have to pretend to be free from struggling; I don’t even have to pretend to like sports or cars. The world would argue that it is impossible for me to change my orientation, and they would be right. God doesn’t want us to believe that we can change our desires. He wants us to believe that He alone can change our desires. If God can raise the dead to life, he can certainly change something as small as my longings. I love that at Living Hope we do not pursue healing, but rather the One who brings it.

For the first time in my life, I heard people saying that God could give me freedom from my struggle. I remember driving home from my first night weeping in my car and praising the Lord for giving me hope. For the first time, I actually believed that God loved me. In that moment, He became a personal and very present God. The years of doubting my salvation were over. I got a taste of freedom, and Satan could no longer stand the light of confession and repentance that has marked my time in Living Hope.

I learned that what I had been praying for was healing without a relationship with the Healer.

As I was writing my testimony, I realized that I cannot share any of the credit with God. I did nothing but actively pursue sin while God was actively pursuing me. Despite my best efforts to run from him, God brought me 9,000 miles from where I was born to Living Hope where I heard that grace set me free.

God could have removed this struggle during the ten years that I spent in isolation praying for it to go away, but He knew I needed the struggle to break my pride. It was the only thing that took me to my knees night after night and it ended up bringing me to Living Hope where I learned that what I had been praying for was healing without a relationship with the Healer. Psalm 16:11 tells us that in God’s presence there is fullness of joy and pleasure forever. Why would I settle for anything less? If your picture of victory and freedom doesn’t include a daily personal relationship with Christ, then you have already lost. Simply denying your sinful desires without trusting God for a greater desire will only lead to depression. I know because I have been there.

I’m not exactly sure how to end this testimony. I want to say that I’m healed, that I no longer struggle, that I’m married with five kids, but sadly none of that is true. Fortunately the truth is better. I’ll admit that nine years into fighting this sin it is easy for me to become discouraged, but God is increasingly quick to remind me that I don’t get to dictate my own sanctification. You may have heard the metaphor for sanctification as being like an onion, where God removes a layer of sin, and then begins working on the next layer. I spent a long time getting discouraged because I thought that the outer layer was my homosexuality, and it wasn’t being removed. I am so grateful that God is not limited to work on one layer at a time. Throughout my tenure at Living Hope, God has cut deeper than my homosexuality, working on my bitterness, anxiety, and pride.

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At times it hurts, but the lessons that I have learned from my struggles far outweigh the pain they have caused. I’ve stopped

Transformed by His Word By Emily, 38 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. - Psalm 139:15-16

a place where I felt like I fit in. I was accepted not in spite of who I believed I was, but celebrated because of it. Later, as a graduate student, I devoted a great deal of time and energy to gender issues and sexuality. It was during this time that I first learned about Living Hope Ministries.

As the child of Christian parents, my church attendance began in utero, and continued throughout the duration of my childhood. I knew the story of how Jesus welcomed the little children to come to him. I could sing, “Jesus Loves Me.” I had been taught that “the Father up above was looking down with love,” and that He “held the whole world in His hands.” Yet, by the time I was 5 years old, after being sexually abused, I concluded that I was the exception to the rule. Jesus did not love Emily. What’s more, I believed that if anyone ever really knew me they could never love me.

According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead - 1 Peter 1:3

By the time I was in junior high, I began to identify as lesbian. I spent my junior high and high school years nursing my anger and bitterness toward both God and the Church. I felt alone, misunderstood, unloved, and unworthy.

I felt alone, misunderstood, unloved, and unworthy.

As I came into my college years, I began to embrace my identity as a lesbian and became active in an on campus Gay Pride club. I finally found

As a student, I was always interested in the pursuit of truth. At that time, I had a vague awareness of an international organization whose purpose (as I understood it) was to teach gay people how to be straight. I assumed they were misguided at best—and bigoted at worst—but I was curious as to what they were actually teaching. After spending some time looking for the organization’s website, I came across a link to Living Hope, and so it was that I initially came to Living Hope out of intellectual curiosity rather than a desire to receive any kind of help or healing. Very shortly after beginning to engage with other members of Living Hope on the online forum, I attended a local Christian Crusade. That night, as the gospel was presented, the pastor spoke about forgiveness that impacted me in a way that broke through the callousness of my hardened heart. I was so convicted that I went home, got on my knees, and for the first time in my life I asked God to forgive me of my sins. I was initially zealous in my new found faith. I desperately wanted to please God and to honor Him with my

life, but I had no idea how to reconcile what I had come to believe about my sexuality with what I knew the church I grew up in taught about the Bible. And so I attended conferences, Living Hope retreats, and participated in the online forums. However, I soon found myself overwhelmed, and unwilling to deny myself. And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. - Luke 15:11-13 I wanted the Jesus that was presented to me at Living Hope, but I also wanted to hold on to my lesbian identity, and so I walked away and began a relationship with a woman. As I pursued my relationship, I also set out on a quest to justify the life I was living. During the years that followed, I spent much time developing a theology that would allow me to believe that there was no applicable prohibition against same-sex relationships to be found in scripture.

I desperately wanted to please God and to honor Him with my life, but I had no idea how to reconcile what I had come to believe about my sexuality

As the years passed, my life began to unravel. I was desperately miserable, and despite all my intellectual conviction that the bible did not have anything to say about my relationship, I felt alone and isolated from God. At some point during this time, I received a phone call from D’Ann Davis who was then the Director of Women’s Ministry at Living Hope.

By 2011 I felt like I was living in a nightmare. My life was not at all what I had envisioned. I had no peace. I had no hope. My partner had a variety of serious health issues, and I had been her full time caregiver for two and a half years. In the fall of that year I received an email from Ricky Chelette. I shared with him that I was in a relationship with a woman. He

I remember very little about the actual conversation I had with her. I remember that she was gracious, and seemed genuinely interested, but I was hostile and rude and I hung up. What I remember clearly is how I felt in the moment that call ended. Some part of me felt like God had extended an olive branch to me; he had issued an invitation for me to come home, and I had responded with a clinched fist and a defiant heart.

I was hurting, angry, and confused. Yet, I was accepted and loved and challenged to look to Jesus.

responded with an invitation for me to attend the Living Hope Banquet. I declined, but asked if there was any way I could rejoin the online community. He referred me to D’Ann who kindly accepted my request. Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of Egypt. - Hosea 3:14-15 As I began to interact with the women online, I honestly didn’t know exactly what I was looking for. I was hurting, angry, and confused. Yet, I was accepted and loved and challenged to look to Jesus. I was still unwilling to surrender my will to His, but He

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HE IS ENOUGH

By Chris, 26 My name is Chris and I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I have also struggled with homosexuality my entire life. I was born into a Christian family and have been in church since I was a baby. From the time I was very little, I can remember having a good life and being a generally happy kid. My sister and I were best friends and did everything together, from playing on the trampoline in the backyard to partaking in gymnastics. I always felt close to my mom as she was generous in showing me her love. My dad, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be so enthusiastic about his love for me. I remember feeling a distance between us and not really knowing why. He acted different around me, like he didn’t really enjoy me much. Other than that, I remember enjoying the early years in my life. But that began to change. When I was five years old, I became friends with a neighborhood boy down the street who was a few years older than me. I slept over at his house one night and as we were going to bed, he closed the door and told me we were going to play a secret “game.” He began to touch me and perform sexual acts on me. And he told me to repeat what he did to himself. He said we couldn’t let the grown-ups know what we were doing. We would play these games every time we saw each other. He was the first boy that seemed to enjoy my company and I developed a crush on him. A few years later, he and his family moved away. Although we were both too young to know what was going on, these events had a profoundly negative impact on my life and caused me tremendous emotional turmoil. Somehow I knew what we were doing was wrong and I felt very guilty about it. I vowed to never tell anyone and pretend like it never happened.

As I got older, I felt very different from other boys. I didn’t like sports, other than gymnastics, and I specifically dreaded football season because it meant that my family would spend all their time in front of the TV and I would have to play by myself. Attempting to bring me into the sports community, my dad signed me up to play flag football when I was young. On the first day of practice, I hated it so much and felt so out of place that I screamed and cried for him to take me home. His silence on the drive home told me he was embarrassed and disappointed in me. I was just sensitive and I did not like being rough and rowdy like the other boys. My brother and sister would make fun of me for being girly and “too sensitive” and my dad would laugh along with them. My mom would try to come to my rescue and tell them to stop being so mean, but they told her that I needed to be toughened up. I felt like an embarrassment to them and like there was something wrong with me. As I grew up and learned about sex and what the word “gay” meant, I was mortified because I seemed to fit the description of being gay. The guilt I had from my earlier sexual experiences intensified. I had sex with another boy and I had crushes on other boys all through elementary school. I must be gay, I thought. But it couldn’t be true. It was the worst thing someone could be after all. My family certainly agreed. They were disgusted and hateful towards gay people. Late at night I would lie awake and think about the hurtful things they said. I always got a sinking feeling in my stomach because I thought that if they knew my secret, they would not love me. I vowed that I just wouldn’t be gay. It was not an option. So I furiously denied any attractions I had towards other 17

I THOUGHT THAT IF THEY KNEW MY SECRET, THEY WOULD NOT LOVE ME. guys and pretended like they were never there. I withdrew from my family for fear they would find out. My adolescent years were no better. In middle school, a rumor went around that I was gay and I lost most of my friends. My best friend at the time even told me he couldn’t be my friend anymore because he didn’t want people to think he was gay on account of our friendship. I was heartbroken and devastated. I felt so alone. Although I fought the accusations at school, I started watching gay porn and quickly fell into a secret addiction. I knew porn was bad and the fact that I was looking at gay porn made me feel even more disgusting. Yet somehow, I was still in denial that I was same-sex attracted. I refused to admit it. One night, after years of ignoring my attractions, I broke down, cried, and admitted to myself I had samesex attractions. There was so much confusion because I knew the Bible taught that homosexuality was wrong. But why did I struggle with same sex attraction? I never asked for these attractions. They just seemed to be intertwined with who I was. Over the next few years my porn addiction continued. After many failed attempts to quit and never finding an answer for why I

struggled in this way, I broke down one night and decided to look for help. While searching Google, I stumbled across one of the pastors at another church in town who counseled Christians who dealt with same sex attraction. To my surprise, he openly admitted that he was a struggler himself. I nervously made an appointment with him and as I sat down in a chair in his office, I felt as if my heart would explode in my chest. I opened my mouth and began to pour out to him all of the darkest secrets of my life. In that hour, God met me in that office in a way I will never forget. For the first time in my life, someone spoke hope into the dark places of my heart, reinforcing the truth that God did not hate me from my struggle and that he could even save me from it. For once I was finally able to be completely honest with someone who genuinely understood my feelings and desires. He told me about a ministry in the DFW area called Living Hope that helps people who struggle with samesex attraction. He mentioned the online forums and when I got home, I immediately signed up. Once on the online forums, I listened to Ricky’s teaching on the roots of male homosexuality and sobbed. It finally all made sense for me as I watched my life play out in front of my eyes on a whiteboard. I learned about how my poor relationship with my dad, lack of male friends growing up,

and damage from my early sexual experiences left a huge gaping wound in my life. I didn’t feel like such a freak anymore. I missed out on a legitimate emotional need for male affirmation, attention, and affection that had now become sexualized. I heard God’s comforting voice whisper to me, telling me he loved me and that He would be with me every step of the way on this new journey to healing. The sting of the guilt and shame I had felt for nineteen years lifted for a moment and I felt loved and accepted. I was given new life. A fire had been lit under me and I was ready to fight. For about a year, things improved greatly and I felt the closest to God I had ever felt in my entire life. I even told my parents and my closest friends about my struggle. Although I tried my hardest to get them to understand, my parents thought that my samesex attractions were few and far between, or were just a phase or weird fleeting thoughts that I had. I decided to just brush them off and ignore the hurtful things they said. However, the years of brokenness began to reveal themselves in my relationships with my male friends. I was desperate for male attention and affection, and I tried to fill this with male friendships. I quickly became emotionally dependent on anyone that I became close to. The more intimate my friendships with other guys became, the

AT FIRST, IT FELT GREAT TO BE WANTED BY SOMEONE, EVEN IF IT WAS PURELY SEXUAL. 18

more I struggled with attraction towards them. I fantasized of being embraced by a man who would come to my rescue. I would escape from my loneliness and depression through porn and my addiction deepened as my usage of it transitioned from getting a short thrill to becoming my safe haven. I even started to abuse alcohol and pain medication. One night my parents found me very drunk and crawling on the floor in the bathroom throwing up. I needed help, my hope was dwindling, and I felt like I had nowhere else to go. I decided to move to the DFW area in August of 2014 so that I could come to Living Hope in person and get the help that I needed. I had my intake with Ricky and started going to the Denton group. There I was met by the friendliest bunch of people that were genuinely there for me and wanted to help. Living Hope referred me to a counselor in the area I could see and I began going every week. What I did not know was I was about to enter the two hardest years of my life. Making friends and connecting to people continued to be particularly challenging and I felt like maybe I would never be able to form a meaningful relationship. My dependence on alcohol and pain medication worsened and many weekends I would stay at home drunk or high alone instead of getting out and meeting people. I was ashamed of who I was and I was too afraid to let anyone know me. While I didn’t feel worth knowing, I still longed so badly for someone to cherish me and want me. I eventually started talking to guys online. Some told me how attractive they thought I was and how they wanted to meet me. I suddenly was getting affirmation I had never experienced before and

it felt amazing. I messaged one guy who I found very attractive and he responded and we started talking. He invited me over to his house. We met up on three separate occasions and on the third night we ended up having sex. At first it felt great to be wanted by someone, even if it was purely sexual. But when I would come home afterwards, my loneliness deepened. What I was looking for was impossible to find. I wanted a man—someone who was masculine, someone who had something I seemed to lack—to love me and take care of me. And yet I knew that this guy was looking for the same thing too. And I knew I couldn’t give that to him. And he couldn’t give that to me. It was hopeless. We were both looking for the same thing that neither one of us could provide. Nothing was ever enough. I could try to escape my pain by fading away into drunkenness, but it was still there when I sobered up. I could try to find intimacy in pornography, but in the end it was all pretend. I could hook up with a stranger, but I would still have to go back home alone the next morning. I could even wish for the right person to come along and fall in love, but even if they do, they will never be able to meet all my needs. I was broken and I realized there is no mortal cure on this earth that can fix me. Thank goodness that’s not how the story has to end. Even in my rebellion, the unconditional love I received from the guys at Living Hope and my counselor showed me that even at my worst I am capable of being loved. They fought in the trenches with me and walked with me the whole way back home into God’s arms. In those dark days, I told God that I wish I could please Him and turn away from my sin,

but it was just too hard. He told me to not be afraid and to trust Him because He will heal my pain and He is bigger than my sin: “Cling to me, for I am always with You and I promise I am enough.” I certainly still fail and am still overcoming my addiction to pornography, but I’m learning that healing isn’t necessarily the absence of struggle. Instead, it is

relationship with Him that if all the pain I endured was what it took for me to have a real understanding of Him, it was worth it. Perhaps I may never be completely absent of my same-sex attractions, or the desire to look at pornography, or alcohol, or fill in the blank. Maybe I will always have this thorn in my flesh. Or maybe I won’t. God is able and the desires are growing less and less. In Romans 12:2, God tells

GOD HAS SHOWN ME THE LOVE OF A PERFECT FATHER, WHO KNOWS ME COMPLETELY AND LOVES ME ETERNALLY... being able to choose God despite circumstances or desires. I no longer abuse alcohol or drugs and I haven’t had any further sexual encounters with other guys. I’m learning boundaries and how to have healthy friendships with other men. I am also learning about my God-given masculinity by developing and becoming comfortable in it. God designed me uniquely and He cherishes me, like a father cherishes his son. He affirms my masculinity because He is the one that gave it to me. This has given me confidence and frees me from the desperate need to be accepted by others. God has shown me the love of a perfect father, who knows me completely and loves me eternally, which is something I’ve longed for my entire life. The magnitude of knowing that God chose to save me and will never give up on me regularly brings tears to my eyes. I’m finding so much joy in my 19

us He will renew our minds and transform us. He is always there to run to and rescue us from our sin and ultimately He promises that one day we will all be without it as He, as it says in Revelation, will “wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. All these things [will be] gone forever.”

The God of All Comfort LIVING HOPE DENTON CAMPUS

of Living Hope has now been meeting for three years, serving fifteen to twenty weekly attendees. Our North Campus consists of a solid Friends and Family group and a growing group of men who attend for the accountability Living Hope affords. Our men’s group is a real blessing to Jen and me. Faithful to attend every week, these men have encouraged the Friends and Family members as each struggles, grows, and identifies himself as a child of God. Although the North campus doesn’t have a support group for women at this time, we hope for God to open the doors for one once we have the numbers to support it.

By Michael and Jennifer, LHM Denton Volunteer Leaders

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. PROVERBS 16:9

Personally, we have gone from the pain of having a wayward son, to weekly having the opportunity to meet with other families and individuals to minister to them in ways we never could have had we not walked through those dark days. II Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we, ourselves received from God.”

In the spring of 2010, our precious son informed us that he was gay. Our world was turned upside down. Everything we believed about raising children in the Lord was questioned. We felt as though we were going through a terrible crisis of faith. We were miserable, without answers, and wallowed in our misery until a friend pointed us to Living Hope. Five years ago, we made our way to Ricky’s office for our “intake,” hoping for some answers as to how our son ended up self-identifying as gay and wondering if we could ever again be used by God. At our first weekly meeting, we were stunned when the leader of the friends and family group, Richard, told us that God was going to use this situation to draw us into a closer relationship with Him. We had no idea at the time how right Richard was. We faithfully attended each week, some nights not getting home until close to midnight because of the commute. At Living Hope, we received excellent Bible teaching that challenged us, got to know other families dealing with spiritually wayward children, and had the privilege of getting to know young men and women who were dealing with same-sex attraction, yet faithfully following Jesus.

We wish we could say that our relationship with our son has been restored, but for that we wait on God. Thanks to Him and the support and encouragement we get each week from Living Hope, our wait is easier.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we, ourselves received from God.

When we began at Living Hope, we had no idea how dark the situation with our son would get. As he delved deeper into the gay lifestyle, he transitioned from wanting us to understand his same sex attraction, to expecting us to embrace it as a good thing. Because we could not biblically justify his life choices, he began to actively try to break up our marriage by writing untruths about us in a public forum. Had we not had the Friends and Family group praying for us, encouraging us, and hurting with us, we shudder to think where we would be today. A group of five of us began meeting with Ricky and his leadership team to receive training on beginning a satellite of Living Hope north of the main Arlington campus. With two universities, an ever-growing population, and a welcoming church, Denton seemed like a perfect fit. The North Campus

2 CORINTHIANS 1:3-4

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HOW CAN LIVING HOPE MINISTRIES HELP YOU? Living Hope Ministries offers a variety of services to help those who struggle with relational brokenness and homosexuality, as well as support for those who love someone who struggles in these areas.

Participants must be active members of LHM in house or online to participate, and must agree to the conduct and confidentiality agreements of Living Hope Ministries.

Online Support

Support Groups

LHM offers the world’s largest, FREE, moderated, online support forums, open 24/7. You must complete an application online and be approved to participate. Our online support mirrors our in-house offerings.

We offer FREE weekly support groups for: • Men • Women • Young Adults (up to 26) • Friends and Family • Wives of men with same-sex attractions

Education LHM offers free education to churches, universities, seminaries, and communities on understanding homosexuality and gender development as well as how to have a Christ-like, redemptive response to those who are struggling with their sexuality. We also have teachings on sexual addiction, masculinity, femininity, raising genderhealthy children, and a host of customizable teachings on sexual and relational wholeness. For more information or to book one of our staff, please call or email info@livehope. org.

These meetings are confidential and a person must go through an intake interview prior to attending the group. Intakes can be arranged by calling our office at 817-4592507, Monday - Friday, 10a-6p or by emailing us at info@ livehope.org. We offer groups at the following campuses: • Arlington, TX • Denton, TX • Charleston, SC • Friendswood, TX See our website for contact info and for specific group offerings at each campus. If there is no location near you, we duplicate all these groups online through our online support ministry.

Living Waters Living Waters is a closed, intensive, discipleship program and a fee is charged for this group. Living Waters is offered once per year for 21 weeks, beginning in January. Register online.

Retreats Retreats are concentrated times of exploration, examination, worship, and fellowship. In the midst of God’s creation, individuals are encouraged to experience God in deep and personal ways. Worship, Bible Study, and teaching are parts of these red-letter events. • Thursday through Sunday retreat for young adults (18-26) in the Spring. • Friday through Sunday retreat for adults 27+ in the Spring.

Mentoring Pastoral mentoring/counseling is offered on a limited basis for those with same sex attractions or their family members. You must call or email for an appointment.

Online Resources Visit our website for articles, testimonies, resources and products at www.livehope.org. Also download our free LHM app for smartphone and tablets.

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By Beth, 38 God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1 Corinthians 1:9 I first learned about Living Hope Ministry through an online search. I initially came to the forums in 2007 looking for help to understand my same-sex attractions and how they fit in with following Christ. My birth was plagued by numerous complications, which left me with both physical and psychological scars. Born with a heart condition, cleft lip, and a hearing impairment, I underwent more than a dozen surgeries by the time I was nine and required another at the age of seventeen. Though my

physical scars healed, an open wound remained in my soul. That festering lesion of rejection and loneliness seemed to draw even more pain to me, and by my early teenage years, I’d been sexually abused and exposed to pornography. Teachers and counselors tried to help, but I really couldn’t let anyone in. Instead, I hurt myself more, punishing my body through starvation and self-injury. Although I knew these actions could not satiate the heartache I felt, I used them as a perverse method to protect myself from further pain.

But, God was there. 22 22

But, God was there. My family raised me in the Church, with my grandparents, mom, younger siblings, aunts, and other extended family members attending regularly. At around the age of nine or ten, I went to Vacation Bible School and accepted Christ. He called me by name. Almost immediately after this, my family stopped attending church. We would still go for Easter and Christmas, but I always felt God tugging at my heart strings to return to Him. At eighteen, I fully accepted the invitation to return to the Lord, and I dove into a whole new life. I had always been a good girl, and I wanted approval more than anything. Yet, despite God’s faithfulness, interacting with

other men and women was extremely difficult for me. I hid behind selfprotective measures, and this included lying and keeping my self-punishment a secret. Before coming to the Living Hope forums, there was a long list of bad relationships and bad choices that led me away from the Lord. Most significantly, there are four relationships that are examples of my brokenness and why I really wish I’d discovered Living Hope earlier. The first was with a man who I had planned to marry. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, which only fueled my distrust of men. In a desperate act to force him to prove his love, I cheated on him with another man. This really hurt him, but what I can see now is that our fights often centered on the next two significant people in this list: my female college roommate and a female staff member of a campus ministry. I often spent more time with the female staff worker than I did with him, and he accused me of loving her more. I idolized her and had become so emotionally dependent on her that I would even skip classes to do things with her. Though she tried to point me to Jesus, I was totally fixated on my need for her attention. My college roommate is a dear lady, but now only a former friend. Shortly after finding Christ, she entered into a same-sex relationship and a gayaffirming church. She and her wife were among the first same-sex couples that I knew to marry. After coming out, we talked for many hours about my own theory that I was bisexual, and she encouraged me to pursue one of our mutual friends.

The fourth significant relationship is with another friend. I was head over heels for her, and like the staff worker, I would drop anything and everything just to please her. I had hit a new low. I knew in my heart that God was and is faithful. I began looking for help because of these same-sex attractions, and I did not want to abandon Christ Jesus. I found the Living Hope forums in 2007. I have always had trouble feeling like I fit in anywhere, which made me scared and skeptical of Living Hope. After joining, I would sometimes disappear for months at a time, trying to sort life out on my own. However, I continued to return to the forums because there was something about this ministry that no other ministry could touch.

I finally decided to take a risk... I finally decided to take a risk and attend the retreat in 2015. I drove for about five hours to get to the location, and almost turned around once I’d arrived. I was convinced that no one would want me there, but that weekend I experienced an invitation that was like none other. People remembered me from the forums, knew my name, and reassured me that I was both welcomed and accepted. I returned the following year in 2016 and even got to experience a Torchy’s Taco!

The members of the online forums have guided me so much in my understanding of the roots of samesex attraction and have continued to provide helpful advice on making safer, healthier friendships. Although I have struggles, my life has been radically changed and I keep coming back to the forums to try to do for others what others have done for me – pray, encourage people towards Christ, and love others. I encourage others to make full use of the forum resources because God has used the testimonies of other members and the articles, videos, and audio recordings produced by Sue, Ricky, and D’Ann to help me. In recent weeks, I’ve even spent time talking on the phone with Bonnie, who has been such an encouragement and help me when I have felt alone and uncertain about struggles I am facing. God really surprised me through this ministry. I believed I didn’t matter, and as soon as someone could see that I was not “better,” I believed they would abandon me to figure out the rest on my own. Instead, Living Hope approached me as a broken person in need of Jesus. It has been a place of wholesome fellowship in the Lord. Over and over again, God has reaffirmed the message that I am not alone and that He is faithful. Despite my relational brokenness, the ladies have also ministered to other deeply felt needs. I am not the only one with a disability, who has been sexually abused, who has struggled with addictions—including pornography— nor am I alone in facing relational brokenness. Continued on page 27

I knew in my heart that God was and is faithful. 2323

LET TING GOD

WORK A Wife’s Story

By Bonnie, 33 I met my husband, Tim, my senior year of college when he was a freshman. We served in the Baptist Student Ministry (BSM) together and I thought he was hilarious. We would serve lunch to the campus together, laugh together, and minister together. I stayed on at the BSM one more year through the new Baptist General Convention of Texas’ Campus Missionary Program. Tim and I couldn’t date (as dating a student could distract a campus missionary from ministry opportunities), but we did become good friends, especially since Tim served as the BSM secretary.

Tim’s deepening emotional attraction, I was also thankful that he finally had a friend—something that I had prayed for him for a long time. It was a restful and relaxing Sunday when Tim told me that he had kissed this man. The tears in his eyes and timbre in his voice showed his sorrow over his actions. Unexpectedly, I felt the peace of God surround my heart as I looked into the teary eyes of my husband. Instead of anger, I felt a mixture of hurt and sorrow and love and forgiveness. The hurt and sorrow cascaded over my heart and as we talked through everything, we realized that we needed more help.

When my year of service was complete in May, Tim and I went on our first date. That evening we immediately talked about boundaries in our relationship and the purpose of dating. As our relationship progressed, we quickly moved toward engagement. Our talks became more serious and Tim revealed his same-sex attraction to me. Honestly, it didn’t really bother me. I was not sure how it would affect our marriage, but I thought and prayed about it a lot, ultimately being more and more convinced that God wanted me to marry Tim. I had peace about our relationship and when he asked me to marry him, I was ready to say yes.

The next couple of weeks were hard. Tim was full of shame and his own complicated feelings while I emotionally shifted from love and understanding to hurt and confusion. It was hard to know where or how or to whom we should turn. The feelings that surfaced in me over the next couple of weeks ranged from, “I’m not a good wife”, “I can’t even keep my husband”, “If I could just lose weight or dress nicer or wear more make-up I could catch his eye” to “What the hell?!” “How did this happen”, “What is going to happen to our marriage?” and “Was our whole marriage just a sham?” The kiss happened right before Thanksgiving, so time with family was hard because part of me wanted to tell someone, anyone about what was going on. Yet, I was simultaneously terrified of who to tell, what the reaction might be, and how Tim would be viewed. While I was upset, I also loved him and didn’t want any family members to think poorly of him or “take my side” while I was figuring out my emotions and trying to trust God. It was a lonely time. Thankfully, we turned to prayer and the Spirit led us to talk to our Bible study leader who told us about Living Hope and that is when we contacted Ricky.

Fast forward a couple years and we celebrated our fifth anniversary. As we were driving to the cabin where we would stay, Tim told me that he was gay. We hadn’t really talked about his same-sex attraction much since we had been married. To be honest, life was busy and we were in survival mode just trying to keep things going. Once again, his same-sex attraction didn’t really bother me. I asked if he still wanted to stay married. Over and over he assured me that he did and that he loved me and wanted me to walk with him as he worked through understanding his sexuality and identity. I was thankful that he felt safe enough to share with me and that week was full of deep conversations.

The Christmas season made it hard to connect with Ricky, but eventually Tim got the chance to talk with him face-to-face. A week later I also met with him so I could begin attending the in house meetings with Tim. I remember walking into group for the first time. I was so scared and not sure what to expect; I felt so vulnerable and unveiled. It was when the worship music began to play that I felt the energy of the room. The freedom of

When Tim began to pursue an advanced degree, it meant that we had to move to another town. This new town meant new friends and one friend in particular to Tim. Tim met another man who also struggled with same-sex attraction, but was also a committed believer. They instantly connected as friends with similar interests and struggles. While I was a bit concerned at

the worshippers and the complete lack of pretense was surprising and exciting. Over and over I was impressed with the openness. We all knew what everyone in the room struggled with, but there was a lack of shame and surrender to God in the air. It was the Spirit, alive and working in that little group of believers. It was something that I had not experienced before.

truth to seek you and be healed. Lord, we need your healing in so many places. Lord please work in both of our hearts, our marriage, and our lives. During this time Tim and I had many conversations about our marriage, friendship, and commitment to each other. We had the privilege of going to a beautiful wedding ceremony of some students that Tim had taught. It was a good reminder of what marriage is and how God directs our steps in the process. As the New Year came around, I clung to Psalm 3:3, “But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

I attended the friends and family group and shared my story. It was freeing to be able to open up. While there aren’t currently many other wives at the friends and family group, there are some who come occasionally. There is a sense of hope and the promise that if you come with a humble and teachable heart, God will work in you and through you. Over and over, the people in the friends and family group said, if you keep coming, God will begin his work on you and soon it will be less about what God is doing in your husband and more about how God is going to work in you.

In March we went to the Living Hope adult retreat and it was an amazing time of growth. Tim and I both had questions that needed to be answered and burdens that we were grieving. Tim was working through questions related to his same-sex attraction and the meaning of marriage, while I was grieving our marriage relationship and not being able to have children. Tim and I had been to see a fertility doctor and we have many reproductive difficulties. The treatments were expensive and though we received financial help from my parents, in my prayers, God kept telling me to “lay it down and trust him.”

During this time Tim really wanted to keep his friendship with the other man because they both had similar struggles and could relate to each other. Tim asked me if I was going to demand that he end the friendship. I can’t explain it other than the Spirit, but over and over I kept coming back to a place where I wanted to submit to Tim and let him work it out with God. I didn’t want to be the Holy Spirit in his life or direct him one way or another out of fear or hurt. I kept praying about this and God gave me a lot of peace and a strong sense to let him lead. I also struggled a lot with their friendship; over and over I saw Tim emotionally spiraling up and down as he deeply connected with the man, but also knew it wasn’t healthy. Soon after, the man came over and apologized to me. I forgave him but I felt heart-broken over the way Tim acted around this man. There was an emotional hunger, deep admiration, and vulnerability that Tim displayed around this person and I felt very much like an unimportant third wheel. It was painful to see, but the Spirit kept telling me to pray and trust.

The theme of the retreat was “Hope Fully” and over the weekend Ricky’s teaching was an encouragement. It was there that God began to really work in me by revealing the unbelief in my heart. I struggled to believe that God is indeed a good Father. I felt that while I had seen God work in my life, I also felt like He had called me out into the deep waters to drown. I really began to seek God and ask him to be my good Father. I prayed that I would believe the truth and not listen to the lies that Satan would whisper to me in the quiet. It was that weekend that I saw we were actually blessed to not have kids so we could work out our own problems without adding children to the already chaotic mix. It was so hard to be thankful for our lack of children and part of me wanted to grasp that dream of being a mom with all my might. God implored me to trust Him and let it go. As I began to lay down my dream for children at the foot of the cross, I could also see Tim surrendering his desires for God’s plan in his life. Soon after, Tim ended his friendship with the man he had kissed and I was so thankful that it ended naturally and by God’s grace, I let Tim work it out with God instead of making demands out of an emotional response.

I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THE HOLY SPIRIT IN HIS LIFE OR DIRECT HIM ONE WAY OR ANOTHER OUT OF FEAR OR HURT. I KEPT PRAYING ABOUT THIS AND GOD GAVE ME A LOT OF PEACE AND A STRONG SENSE TO LET HIM LEAD.

I am learning to seek my identity in Christ. To not put my identity in being a good wife or being a mom, but to put my identity solely in who I am in Him. God has brought our marriage so far. We are closer now than when we began and I am so abundantly thankful for how God has worked in our marriage and has brought us to Living Hope Ministries. Going each week has given me a safe place to work through the hurt and questions. It has been wonderful to be surrounded by people who are surrendered to the Lord in the midst of pain. The shame that we both felt has left as God has begun healing hurts in our lives. We are praying that He would give us new dreams to help us share with others and bring encouragement of Christ’s redeeming love.

The Spirit directed me to court my husband, to re-connect with him, to renew our friendship, and to show him love. This is a prayer I wrote in my journal from that time: Dear Jesus, please inspire me with ideas and inspiration to show him how much I love him. Jesus, please counsel Tim with wisdom and truth as you work on his heart. And counsel me in wisdom and truth as you work on my heart. We both need your wisdom and

Transformed By His Word (cont. from page 15) was pursuing me. And as I would eventually learn, His timing, as always, was perfect. Not more than a month after my return to Living Hope, my entire world came crashing in on me. I awoke early on a Sunday in November to find my partner unconscious in the bathtub as the result of an intentional overdose. Four days later she was dead. Everything that I had built my life around vanished in the blink of an eye. I was in agony and I had no idea how I could ever be anything close to “okay” again. However, the women at Living Hope reached out to me, and for the next three years they walked with me through my grief. They responded with compassion and empathy, even as all the years of pain and rage boiled to the surface. They pointed me to Jesus over and over and over again. They allowed me to be angry. They encouraged me to push passed the anger and address the deeper issues and invite Jesus into the chaos of my life.

Instead, I encountered a God I’d never really known. In the pages of His Word He met me—right where I was. He began to open my eyes and show me the truth about my sin. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything more distressing than standing in the presence of God while being aware of the enormity of my sin. I’d spent my entire life being told I was a sinner, but the reality of the situation was completely lost on me. In all my days of going to church and using the Bible to justify myself, I had totally missed Jesus. However, I remember the moment so clearly when it became real to me. Realizing the seriousness of my sin was absolutely devastating. Never before had I considered that my sin affected the heart of God. But as I continued to push through the scriptures, I began to see the mercy and love that Jesus has for me. His grace washed in over the backdrop of all my sin. For me, it was necessary to come to a place of seeing my sin for what it was before I could ever appreciate the “amazing” component of His amazing grace.

Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts. - Jeremiah 15:16

I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live. Deuteronomy 30:19

By 2014 the Lord brought me once again to a place of wrestling with my faith and sexuality. What I thought I had resolved years earlier was clearly very unsettled. Right about that time, a lady in my Connection Group at church began talking about a movement of people who were reading through the Bible in thirty, sixty, and ninety days. In the process of reading the scriptures with such intensity, their lives were radically changed. I wanted in, and so that year between Thanksgiving and Christmas I read the Bible cover to cover.

Having my entire worldview challenged day in and day out for those 30 days was excruciating, but by the time I had turned the last page I realized that God’s word did in fact have something to say about His design and plan for my life. Having read it all in context, I concluded that there was no scenario where I could be involved in a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman and honor God with my life.

I didn’t expect that reading the Bible would change anything for me. I didn’t expect to find anything I hadn’t already seen or heard before. However, I decided to read it and assumed the worst case scenario was that I would walk away unchanged. I could check the box and say I’d read every last word and feel like I had given Jesus one last chance.

by the time I had turned the last page I realized that God’s word did in fact have something to say about His design and plan for my life.

I encountered a God I’d never really known. In the pages of His Word He met me right where I was.

What was at stake here was much more than whether or not I would ever pursue another relationship with a woman. For over 20 years, being a lesbian was my identity. It shaped my worldview. It shaped the way I saw God and the way I interacted with everyone around me. It was the defining factor of my life. Choosing to walk away from that—to reject

who I had believed I was, to deny myself, to embrace who God said He designed me to be—has been no easy choice.

I spent many years off in the far country living in rebellion and pursuing my own desires. During all that time, there were many people who chose to never give up, who spent years getting down on their knees praying that I would come home. It’s been both humbling and amazing to me as I’ve begun to share my story to hear people tell me that they were praying for me, not least of which were my own parents whose hearts were broken by my prodigal wanderings. My mom shared with me not long ago that years ago, after I came out to them, the Lord gave her the promise of Jeremiah 31:16-17. She held on to that for all those years and continued to pray that the Lord would change my heart.

As I worked through all my concerns, doubts, anger, and fear about all this, I was able to share with my friends at Living Hope who continually encouraged me along the way. When I came to the end of my reading and shared my conclusions, I was asked a very difficult question: “So, are you ready to go all-in with Jesus?” I was stumped. I mulled over that question for a few days. And then one night during a game of poker the Lord illustrated for me exactly what choice I was being asked to make. As I looked at my cards, I realized I was holding a Royal Flush. I had an unbeatable hand. Whatever amount I bet would be no gamble. It was a sure thing. I knew that I would be an idiot not to put all my chips on the table. This was the hand to go allin on. Immediately, the question, “are you ready to go all-in with Jesus?” flooded back into my mind. The next day I logged on to the forum and answered the question I’d been avoiding. “YES!” I was ready to put all my chips on the table for Jesus.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. - 2 Corinthians 5:17 For as far back as I can remember, there was always a little voice inside my head that would whisper, “I’m gay.” It was a constant reminder of what I had built my entire identity around. Early this year, I noticed that that voice is no longer there; it’s been replaced by the constant reminder, “Jesus loves me.” And this is who I am, a daughter made in the image of her Father and loved infinitely more than I can comprehend.

Since then, I have embarked on an incredible journey of following Jesus. Each day is an opportunity to choose to act in faith and walk in obedience. Sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I stumble, but He is always faithful.

I Am Not Alone (cont. from page 23) Living Hope has instilled a deeper desire to put my full trust in Jesus. In late 2013, I moved to another state where I am an active part of a ministry as a writer. I belong to a church and continue to take steps to form healthier relationships with both men and women. I really enjoy the Living Hope forums because they have helped me to find practical and spiritual advice for my day to day life, but the forums also serve as a community where I am both seen, heard, and accepted for who I am in Christ. It’s not really about making me completely perfect. I have seen how God is faithful to meet my needs by providing a safe place of fellowship and community through both the forums and through the retreat.

Thus says the LORD: “Keep your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for there is a reward for your work, declares the LORD, and they shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future, declares the LORD, and your children shall come back to their own country. - Jeremiah 31:16-17

A Journey of Hope 28 28

By Blake, 28 On July 1, 2016, God gave me a beautiful vision of the depths of his love. While attending a wedding, I watched as each bridesmaid walked down the aisle in their crimson dress, creating an air of anticipation as we all awaited the entrance of the bride. As one-by-one the bridesmaids passed, I reflected on the different stages of my life and the struggles that filled each: sexual abuse, a divorced family, and years of a secret homosexual life. I’ve reflected on these painful memories before, wondering “where was Jesus during these struggles?” However, this time I knew that—like the crimson dresses that clothed each bridesmaid—the blood of Jesus covered all of those times of struggle and pain. After the last bridesmaid passed, a triumphant fanfare based on “What Can Wash Away My Sins” began, the back doors of the church flew open, and the bride, clothed in white, approached her groom. My life was like this processional. Each phase of my life preceeded the moment when I would meet the Bridegroom Christ. He sees me the way that the groom at this wedding saw his soon to be wife: beautiful, blameless, and His treasure. I didn’t understand this years ago when, as a junior in college, I collapsed on the library steps in tears, desperately needing hope. That day, weeping on my knees in the middle of campus, I felt like my life had completely collapsed. A few days before, my friends told me that there were stories circulating on the internet about my sexual encounters with other men. I was devastated. I thought I could keep my sin a secret, that one day I could just get over my same-sex attraction. In the wake of the online stories, I decided that it would be liberating to tell some friends and my parents that I was sexually attracted to men, that I needed to explore my feelings. It only took a few days for me to feel a deep conviction that this life style wasn’t for me. There was a tug-of-war between my faith and my feelings, and declaring my homosexuality only left me feeling empty and lonely, so I called my parents and told them I wanted to come home. My dad drove three hours, we packed up, and I left school. I spent a few days depressed on my mom’s couch while she pleaded with me to seek help from a counselor or go to church. At that point I remember having a conversation with a friend about this struggle and he sent

me a Facebook message with the name Living Hope Ministries. At this point, I had nothing left to lose, so I googled the name and found a phone number. The man that answered that call was Ricky Chelette. With desperation in my voice, I told him, “I think I’m gay and I need help.” He met my desperation with the words, “Blake, Jesus loves you and there is hope for you.” I wanted to set up a time to meet with him, but he said that he was taking a group of guys and girls to a conference in Chicago the next day. We planned to meet for an initial intake when he got back. When I hung up the phone, I explained to my mom the plan. Before I realized what was going on, she looked up plane tickets to Chicago and found the registration page for the conference. She told me to call Ricky back and ask him if I could join them. I would need to do an intake upon arrival, but the answer was yes. Impulsive decisions were my fuel, so this whole situation gave me some excitement. I packed my bags, put on my “good boy” facade, and was off to Chicago. I prepared for a week of worship, breakout groups, and seminars that would surely fix me. What I didn’t know was that this was the beginning of a battle that would last years. I remember my confusion when I arrived at the conference. I knew I was there to learn more about my relationship with Jesus and what that meant for this particular journey. At the same time, in my brokenness, I wanted everyone to like me. In order to win them over, I tried turning on my charm and the body language that went with it. I was quickly and graciously called out by Ricky and the other guys from Living Hope. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work this time. Why couldn’t I charm them into liking me? Before I could figure out an answer, Ricky took me aside so I could conduct my intake interview. Through this one interview, I felt like I truly understood my feelings and their origins for the first time. With a blank piece of paper in hand, Ricky took me through “the white board talk,” a lesson delivered by Ricky at countless churches that addresses the origins of same-sex attraction from a biblical, psychological, and physiological perspective. During the interview, Ricky asked me about my first exposure to sex. I told him that when I was nine or ten years old there

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was an older boy on my gymnastics team that I really looked up to. I would ride my bike over to his house and hang out with him, like an older brother type relationship. Unfortunately, we would go to his room and he would pull up porn on the Internet and touch himself. I just sat there and watched as this happened. Ricky tried to tell me this was abuse, but it was hard for me to believe at the time. When my friend went to college I was fifteen years old and I admit I missed him. When he visited his parents at

the embrace of another man than to the arms of the Father. My rebellion reared its ugly head as I continued to party and find hook ups. Ricky, Dan, Garrett, and all the in-house young adults pleaded with me in love. “Blake, you are so loved. We love you and Jesus loves you so much he died for you,” they would say. But I grew up in a vocally anti-gay church and I couldn’t accept this love that the guys would tell me Jesus had for me. Even though the truth was preached to me over and over, I chose to live how

That day, weeping on my knees in the middle of campus, I felt like my life had completely collapsed. Christmas, I jumped at the opportunity to go see him. I was having an identity crisis and went to him for answers. As I sat on his bed telling him that people at school were calling me gay because I was articulate and well dressed, he told me we could mess around to see if I liked it. So we did. This was my first sexual experience with anything but a computer screen. This was the beginning of a life I would live out in secret, a vortex of sin that left me emotionally crushed. After finishing up my intake interview, I rejoined the group from Living Hope and that was when I met Dan and Garrett, two guys who lived in the Hope House. After hearing about the in-house portion of Living Hope, I proceeded to press Ricky about living in the Hope House every chance I could. I needed this hope that Dan and Garrett had. Ricky, through the Spirit, is not an impulsive man, praying extensively and conferring with the board of Living Hope before making large decisions. By the end of the conference I got an answer. Yes, I would move into the hope house. It only took me a week after returning from the conference to load up and move to Arlington, Texas. Although I was initially excited to move into the hope house, it was only a couple of weeks before I didn’t want to be there anymore. I was encouraged to be in the word and journal every day, but I felt like I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle sifting through my past and believe that Jesus was willing to forgive me . It was so much easier to self-medicate, to turn to

I wanted. I was hardened and I didn’t know what it was going to take for me to choose truth. Would it be disease from my reckless lifestyle or some kind of near death experience? Was I headed for hell? After leaving the hope house, I stuck around Living Hope Ministries. It just seem to become a part of my life. I continued to struggle during those years and everyone at Living Hope encouraged me to simply keep coming. So I did. My second opportunity to attend the Living

lie. I took myself to the back of the room and simply wept. I just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Now I understood why I was encouraged to just keep coming to Living Hope. I was a mess, broken, and wicked, yet I was loved and accepted at Living Hope. I finally understood that they were showing me Jesus’ love. Fully submitting to Jesus was my freedom. After that retreat, I wanted to live this truth out and show the young men coming to Living Hope that there is indeed hope by sharing my story. I finally finished my degree and moved away to start my first job, but my relationship with Living Hope didn’t end here. I kept in touch with Ricky on a frequent basis as I struggled through adulthood and he continued to pour into me as I pursued Godly friendships with other men and began to date women. Even when I was discouraged by failed dating relationships, Ricky reminded me to keep loving Jesus. Now I’m twenty-eight years old and standing at this beautiful wedding remembering my journey. With Ricky standing to my right and eight of my best friends to the left, I am proud to say that this was my wedding. As I watched my beautiful bride walk down the aisle to become my wife, I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a dream, but was real. She had been

As I watched my beautiful bride walked down the aisle to become my wife, I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a dream, but was real. Hope spring retreat came and I went out of habit. On the last night of the retreat, Ricky taught from 2 Timothy. In chapter three, Paul urges Timothy to remain faithful and guard himself against those who knew God but turned to pride, recklessness, and pleasure. Paul tells him that in order to remain faithful, he must remember the holy scriptures that he had been taught from childhood, for they gave him the wisdom to receive salvation through trusting in Jesus. This was my breakthrough moment. I knew Jesus was pleading with me to trust Him. To love Him. To choose Him. I realized that I had traded my relationship with Christ for a

through this journey with me for the past ten years as my friend, but now I am her husband. She is my everyday reminder of Christ’s redemption in my life, for I’m fully known and fully loved by her. Even more, I am fully known and fully loved by Christ. Living Hope made me a disciple of Jesus and now I can lead and love my family well to eternity.

CHRIST

MY LIVINGHOPE By Walker, 23 I have struggled with same-sex attraction for as long as I can remember. About eighteen years ago, when I was five, I experienced my first sexual encounter. My older male cousin molested me. He was someone I trusted and loved, and my confused five year old psyche thought he was showing me love. Fortunately, my parents talked with me about what to do if someone touches me “there,” so I told them that night what my cousin did to me. I remember my parents talking with my aunt and uncle, but besides that, the next few years are blank in my memory. Many years later, our families reunited and simply pretended that nothing ever happened. Once, a therapist described developing a sexual identity to me like a duckling identifying with the first living thing it sees. The very psychology of my attractions was imprinted at that tender age of five. Though I struggled with these attractions, I kept them in check and they were never noticed by others, at least for a while. Jesus was no stranger in our house growing up. My parents believed Christ was sent to die for our sins by His Father and that our only salvation was through Him. At seven years old, I professed my faith in Christ as my Lord and Savior. Not long after, my family’s church attendance dropped from regular to seldom and then eventually almost never. As I grew older, my peers began to notice that I was different. The other boys wanted to play football, but I wanted to play pretend. By age ten, kids started calling me “gay” or “fag.” I didn’t really understand what those words meant—

and to be honest they probably didn’t either—but those labels didn’t feel good. I was sensitive and a people pleaser. Being called those names made me want to befriend my offenders more. This cycle persisted through middle school and high school, only leaving me more and more disappointed, lonesome, and angry each time. Throughout high school, I began to reach out to unsafe people—guys who I thought could fill the sucking funnel created by my desperation to feel wanted and understood. I became emotionally dependent on these men. When one would get fed up enough with my selfishness, I would find another and hate the former. Though I was a member of the swim team, I never had a consistent group of friends or a healthy friendship with another guy. Connecting with my father was also painful at times. Though he was— and still is—a great influence and role model for me, we were vastly different people. We would hunt together, but generally speaking, we had few mutual interests. He loved the outdoors; I loved computers and music. He loved football and track; I liked theater and acting. To make things worse, I always felt like I disappointed him when I didn’t pursue the activities that interested him. Add to this disconnect the toxic nature of pornography, which I was exposed to at the age of twelve, and I began to see men as an object that could placate what was burning inside me, both physically and psychologically. In the Summer of 2011, I packed my bags and my baggage and began college on an ROTC scholarship.

As an underclassman, the pattern continued: pornography, unhealthy relationships, and almost exclusively female friends. The girls were sensitive, and it didn’t hurt so badly to try and identify with them. In my freshman year, I learned about Living Hope Ministry’s satellite group near me and even attended for almost a year at the beginning of my sophomore year. There was still one key issue: I knew my attraction and acting out was wrong, but I didn’t understand Jesus’ love for me or the healing he could provide to those who have faith in him. I didn’t regard Him as my Savior because I still wanted to hold onto and idolized my flesh’s desires as a means to numb my broken heart. Nearing the end of my sophomore year, I became very emotionally dependent on a leader in my ROTC program. He noticed, became alarmed, and reported the issue. In addition to this, I began to act out on my same-sex attraction in the form of anonymous, random hookups. Upon the military’s discovery of my dependency issues, I got help very quickly and even found a group of guys that I could hang out with. They didn’t know Christ or that I struggled with same-sex attraction, but this kind of balanced relationship was new to me and kept me from becoming emotionally dependent on others. As a result, my performance in academics and as a leader in the ROTC program started to excel. However, the improvement was too late. After returning from Spring Break in 2014, I was notified that the military would no longer pay for my education or offer me a career after I graduated. I’d lost nearly everything I worked for as a result of my actions. continued on page 38

CHURCH PEWS

BAR STOOLS

By Brian, 42 “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. You used to walk in these ways in the ways you once lived.” Colossians 3:5, 7 ESV I’m sharing my story with boldness and confidence, which in and of itself is evidence that God works through people for His purpose. This courageous attitude is not my typical style, nor is it how I’ve lived the majority of my life. Rather, I’ve spent many years being quiet, blending in, avoiding people and attention, compartmentalizing my life and friends, and struggling to find my identity. I grew up a happy kid with a great family: loving, supportive, generous, affectionate, and strong faith. It was really the perfect upbringing with family supper time in the evenings, long road trips and vacations in the summers, lots of time with grandparents and relatives on a family ranch, and church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Although we weren’t wealthy, I had so much richness in my life because of my parents and the love they showed me and my sister. They truly did everything that they could to set us up for success and give us the best opportunities. Although my parents did everything right, there was one thing that they weren’t able to foresee and protect me from, and that was a predatory cousin

that was a pedophile. Looking back it had to have been so obvious—an older cousin that gave me a disproportionate amount of time and affection with lots of unsupervised time alone. However, things like this just didn’t happen in our family. We didn’t have pedophiles among us. We had the picture book life. Who would have ever suspected? I was too young to really understand what was going on let alone know what to do about it, so I did nothing and my parents knew nothing. We eventually moved to the DFW area in fourth grade and that transition was very hard on me. I didn’t act out or behave badly, but I just couldn’t find my footing and never felt like I truly fit in. Long gone were all of the friends that I had back home in cub scouts and church. Long gone was the cousin that used to spend a lot of time with me. Long gone was the over-abundance of confidence and selfesteem that I once had. Long gone was the “me” that had so much happiness and joy and promise. The new “me” was more quiet and reserved—externally friendly, yet internally sad and lonely. Although I never enjoyed my life like I did before we moved, I did my best to adapt. During my junior year of high school, my older cousin committed suicide. I was in complete shock. These types of things didn’t happen in our immediate or extended family. He had always been really close to all of us—myself especially—so what could have gone so terribly wrong? I don’t remember exactly how long it was after finding out that my cousin committed suicide that my dad wanted to have a talk with me—probably a few months. I also don’t remember exactly

what my dad said because it was all such a blur at the time, but it had something to do with intercepting letters my cousin was trying to send me and me needing to go to a counselor to “talk about things.” I was absolutely shell shocked, upset, angry, and not ready to discuss anything from the past. Although I didn’t want to go, I went to the counselor. I probably saw her for a few months total though it could have been longer. I’m not sure how we were measuring progress throughout the sessions, but the brainwashing and indoctrination into the gay lifestyle was pretty strong. I needed to be “true to myself.” I needed to be “honest about expressing my sexuality.” I needed to be who I really was, which apparently was a gay guy according to her. I remember having conflicting feelings about the “professional” advice that I received because it differed from my spiritual upbringing and what I felt was right in my heart. However, I wasn’t the expert and I had indeed been struggling to find my place, so maybe she was onto something. I never talked about “the issue” again with my parents. I’m not sure if they thought I was healed, if I was beyond hope, if they had failed in some way as parents, or if they just wanted to believe the whole thing had never happened. I don’t know what they thought because their life more or less carried on as if it had never occurred; mine, however, was a different story. I made it to college and found all kinds of trouble to get into with my new found freedom away from home. By anyone’s standards, I was pretty wild. Alcohol, drugs, parties—pretty much everything that didn’t have to do with school was on

my agenda. The internet was an up and coming thing, and a friend introduced me to bulletin boards which were a new way to meet guys, chat, and potentially “hook up” anonymously. Most of the guys were older, and as a college guy I was able to get lots of attention. Feeling wanted was great, even if it was only for a short amount of time and meant feeling cheap and used. In my mind at the time, the pain and shame experienced afterwards for that one moment of being desired was worth it. After graduating college, my life started having some semblance of professionalism and discipline. I had good jobs, worked hard, performed well, and was respected by my colleagues. While I had others’ respect, I still didn’t have self-respect. Nothing I could do was ever good enough for myself. I was always concerned about what people thought about me. Did they know my secret? I kept my private life hidden because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Did they know what I did at night on the internet? I kept a smile on my face and always tried to laugh. Did anyone know how sad and miserable I was inside? Despite all of the chaos in my life, I still felt some sort of spiritual connection with God. Did I feel disobedient? Yes. Did I feel tremendous guilt for the abuse that had happened in my past, especially knowing that I might have somehow liked it? Yes. Did I feel like a hypocrite sitting in the Church pew on Sunday morning knowing that a few hours earlier I had been sitting on a bar stool wasted and looking to score? Definitely. Did I still believe God existed? Without a doubt. But did I know Him? Did I really know Him? And if so, had I leaned on Him? Had I let Him into my heart? Did I believe that He could heal the wounds and my brokenness? Did I trust Him? My feelings on religion were similar to many guys that I encountered in the gay world (and it really is a different world). Most grew up in the Church, knew God or knew of God, but had a hard time understanding how a loving God could allow such bad things to happen to them. I fell into this category. Or perhaps a better explanation was that God loves, but He just didn’t love me. How could I be loved with my rotten behavior and matching attitude?

For many years, I tried to walk a fine line between calling myself a Christian and living otherwise. Identifying as a gay Christian seemed to be a good description because this would allow me to have the best of both worlds. I could do whatever I wanted through the week and then apologize on Sunday mornings and all was good, but I found this was a really hard balance to strike. I ended up not fitting in on either side. To the Christian world, I felt I was a hopeless, lost soul. I definitely felt I was wearing the scarlet “G” and believed my sin was so much worse than others’. To the gay world, I was a complete sell-out that was still unable to completely embrace myself. I just needed to embrace the real me. I found there was truth and honesty in the rejection I perceived and felt from both sides. There could truly be no balance between the two because they are a complete antithesis of each other. Despite the bumper stickers, they cannot coexist. You either embrace one or the other. In my late thirties I started feeling God tug on my heart. The pull had always been there, but I had always resisted. After years of trying, and failing, to do what I knew was best for my life, I finally acquiesced and decided to start being obedient to Him. Despite the positive progress I had made over a few years, I still had issues that were unresolved, particularly with homosexuality. The desires were still there. The temptation was still strong. The behaviors that went along with both the desires and the temptation still existed. These feelings led to doubts about whether or not I was being honest about who I was, if I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and if all of my recent efforts had been a sham. I decided I would look for some sort of support group for people that were struggling with my same issue. After a quick internet search I found the Living Hope website and one of Ricky’s video clips. For the first time in my life I heard someone articulate my life’s struggles, give it a proper name I could relate to, and provide the hope of Jesus that I needed. There really wasn’t any thinking involved after that because I knew exactly what I needed to do, so I contacted Ricky and started the process of attending weekly meetings. What an

absolutely life-changing experience that decision and LHM has been in a short amount of time. I’ve been at LHM for less than six months, but in that short amount of time it’s been transformational in so many ways. First, being able to identify and label my feelings and struggle has been significant. Unwanted same sex attraction – this very accurately describes how I feel. I accept that I have these attractions, but know that acting on these feelings is not part of God’s plan for my life. Second, being around people that share this same struggle has been overwhelmingly positive. After living the majority of my life feeling misunderstood, there’s comfort in being around other brother’s in Christ that are fighting the same battle. Having their support and love and knowing that I’m not going at this alone is empowering. Third, accessibility to the online forums and a support system when I need some accountability or prayer is very beneficial. All sorts of things are shared in the forums including jokes, thoughts, and quotes, but the majority of the postings revolve around God’s goodness and faithfulness to us through this journey (and all parts of life) and appreciating and accepting His unconditional love. These are good reminders and an additional layer of support when I am bombarded by temptation. There are absolutely no false pretenses at LHM or promises of a “cure.” In fact, it’s quite the opposite. While we believe in God’s healing power and the potential for desires and temptations to completely go away, the reality is that like any addictive or compulsive behavior, they will probably be there in some sort of capacity. How to deal with those feelings and manage them and avoid pitfalls and triggers is something that we discuss in our small groups quite a bit. Another aspect of the struggle that we discuss during our small groups is the need for additional support. LHM is a resource, but it isn’t and can’t be a one stop shop. Since I started attending the meetings I’ve found additional support and accountability through friends that I’ve opened up to, one-on-one counseling with a Christian therapist, and continued interaction on the online forums.

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My sister and I were involved in the youth group and went on mission trips every summer. I was an avid athlete and student, participating in various after school activities, running a couple different clubs, and leading bible studies on both my high school campus and at church. I was known for being bold, a leader, and Christ-follower. To the onlooker, my life seemed like it was that easy story I dream of today. However, there was so much more going on that I kept hidden, and I vowed no one would know the deepest secrets of my heart.

By Sarah, 32 I was born in North Carolina to parents who loved Jesus and loved me. Both had prior marriages and my mom had two boys from her first. When she and my father married, he wasn’t a believer. It wasn’t until my father attended a men’s retreat at their church that he met Jesus. Soon afterward, my parents discovered they were pregnant after years of trying with no success. A few months later, they learned they would be having identical twin girls. They were delighted, and it is a delight to know that my parents prayed for us during those many years leading up to the pregnancy. Our parents loved us, and it was God’s grace to us that we had two believing parents.

My parents referred to my sister and I as a unit. Anything we did, we did together. We had all the same friends, played the same sports, worked the same jobs, and so on. Like most twins, we had a close bond, and still do. However, our individuality was lost in our childhood. Though our parents loved Jesus, they were, and are, broken individuals. Most of my childhood I saw my mom as person-less. Nurturing by nature, she raised my three siblings and I and probably a dozen or so other kids, yet she lost herself in that role. She was selectively nurturing and I was not a recipient of her tender affection. My father and I were much closer; however, he was broken as well. I found his pornographic magazines and literature as a child and was spring boarded into years of addiction. My relationship with him was based entirely

We were raised with Jesus as a part of our household. I don’t remember a Sunday that we missed church, or a meal that we didn’t pray. I came to faith as a child one Sunday when my parents wouldn’t allow me to partake in communion. After being frustrated by their prohibition, they explained what communion was and why I wasn’t able to participate. I responded explaining my love for Jesus and desire to be with him. I accepted Christ on the church steps that Sunday afternoon and was baptized soon after.

off of my desire to gain his attention and approval. My likes and dislikes were wrapped up in him and what I could do to gain his affections.

Although I started in the counseling program, I changed my degree to international church planting. In the course of my studies, I traveled to over a dozen countries in under two years, finally landing in the middle east. I was certain that if I could just leave America, leave the people who had loved me and those who hurt me, I could also begin a life that didn’t include my homosexuality or history of abuse. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

I was sexually abused by a variety of people from age four to adulthood. I can count over two dozen different abusers, both male and female. In several of the scenarios, the abuse lasted years as the abusers were friends or family members. Within those abusive relationships, I thought I was being affirmed as someone special, receiving attention from the abusers that affirmed my individuality. There had been a void in my soul seeking affirmation, affection, and attention and these relationships seemed to fill those holes in my heart.

My years abroad were plagued by men who believed they were entitled to my body, that I was an object to satisfy their desires. When I told my bosses about the abuse, I was told I couldn’t expect anything different from those who were lost. These men didn’t know the Lord and I couldn’t expect anything different from what I was experiencing. I believed this lie and accepted that this was just going to be a part of my life—neither people nor the Lord would ever protect me. I was determined to do what it took to protect myself. I raised all the walls I needed. I ran away from the pain by studying Arabic, engaging my people group, and making disciples. I protected myself and trusted no one.

In high school, I lived two separate lives. I desperately needed to be seen as good, so I did whatever it took to keep my grades up, to excel, and to gain the approval of my parents and authority

I HAD NO HOPE FOR FREEDOM OR PEACE AS I LOOKED TO THE FUTURE.

However, God was more gracious than I could imagine. In November 2009, I was turned in to the government for evangelizing and was eventually deported. I was forced out of a country I’d grown to love and call home. Heartsick, I returned to North Carolina in March 2010. In May, I moved to Texas to join a new church plant. I busied myself serving in every ministry possible, running from my shame and the pain of the abuse by running toward busyness and seeking the approval of those I admired. Again, I ensured no one would know my struggles. I told my pastor about my past, but I deceived him by leading him to believe I’d been victorious over my sin. He encouraged me to go to counseling, which I did. All the while the bar became a place of retreat and source of identity for me and I once again became set on managing my double life.

figures. Meanwhile, any girl I became friends with outside of my group of Christian friends I engaged in a sexual relationship. Upon graduating high school, I went to a women’s college about thirty miles away. I was still so confused about my sexuality and my faith. Unable to reconcile the two and scared to ask the Lord for fear of condemnation, I avoided any kind of friendship with women. I couldn’t continue on the path I’d been on in high school, but I had no hope for freedom or peace as I looked to the future. Avoiding all friendships with women could only last so long. I met my first college girlfriend and again became wrapped up in what identity she could offer me. Although that relationship was short, I soon met Annie and we became inseparable. All was seemingly well until I learned that she was also involved with my sister. Heart broken and completely betrayed, I severed the relationship and quickly began dating Kimmy. I found all my identity in her: who she said I was and her desire for me. I became consumed with worship of myself and walked away from the Lord entirely.

I COULDN’T RUN FROM MYSELF, MY HURT, AND MY PAIN ANY LONGER. My first engagement with Living Hope Ministries was at banquet 2012. I attended with my roommate who was a participant at the time. That night when we returned home, I remember sitting awkwardly on the floor of her bedroom wanting to tell her about the abuse, my ongoing addictions, and my struggle with lesbianism. Still enslaved to shame and self-preservation, I didn’t. Weeks passed, and the Lord continued to press upon me my need to tell others the truth. I couldn’t run from myself, my hurt, and my pain any longer. I told my roommate and my counselor about the abuse and my addictions, but I held back my struggle with same-sex attraction as the vulnerability felt like more than I could bear.

Five months before college graduation, the Lord intervened. While chaperoning a youth retreat, one of the other leaders on the trip and I were talking about my plans to go on to earn a secular counseling degree. She recommended a seminary counseling program instead. I didn’t know what a seminary was, but found myself hearing prompting from the Lord to pursue the seminary track. It had been years since I’d heard his voice, and I sensed that continuing on in my disobedience wasn’t worth what I was missing out on in relationship with Him. After breaking up with Kimmy, I enrolled and attended seminary, hoping that it would be the change that needed to happen.

By December 2012 I met with D’Ann, the Women’s Ministry Director at the time and began attending weekly group meetings and Living Waters. At this point, I was still consumed with gaining the approval of others and was certain that if anyone— even at Living Hope—knew about my past relationships with women, I would be rejected. Hard-hearted, I wanted to control how the Lord worked to restore my life. I only wanted him to take what I was willing to offer. I lied about and desired to maintain my attractions because I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t holding on to the lesbian identity. It took months, but I

I wish I could tell you that the addictions faded and I no longer found myself attracted to women, that seminary was some sort of cure for lesbianism. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The Lord was gracious to me in my years there, however, and I learned a great deal about his word. While I developed some good, life-long friendships with both men and women, I maintained my double life. Meanwhile, despite my rebellion, the Lord reminded me of his call to ministry on my life.

continued on page 39 35

A HUSBAND’S STORY

By Tim, 31 I sat there stunned. Held in the embrace of my best friend—with my wife only in the next room—I looked deeply into those soleful, chocolate brown eyes that were so lovingly familiar, the ones I had peered into a thousand times before. I could not speak. I could not think. All I could do was feel, and kissing him felt good….kind of. I say “kind of” because although I had longed for, dreamed of, and fantasized about this exact moment for years, something inside of me, to paraphrase John Milton, sigh’d [and] cry’d out Death. While some may conjecture that I would see this day as the worst day of my life, I would correct them. This was not the worst day of my life, but in fact the best. Shocking, I know. Despite the fact that this one event in my life did cause me and my wife pain, it was because of this event that I gained the courage to confront my same-sex attraction head on. Throughout scripture, we can see that our God is in the business of taking the worst possible of all situations and transmuting those events into the best of all possible outcomes, a process of transformation described by professor JRR Tolkien as “eucatastrophe.” So how does a man like me end up making out with his best friend while his wife is in the other room? Well, let’s start at the very beginning. I was born in Texas as the middle of three kids, with an older brother and younger sister. My mother has a kind of muscular dystrophy that has left her in a wheelchair her whole life. Due to the extremity of her disability, bearing children was something that she and her doctors believed to be beyond her ability. However, during the first several years of her marriage, the LORD repeatedly prompted her to try and conceive in spite of the many doctors attempting to dissuade her. When she did finally become pregnant, many physicians refused to take her on as a patient, worried about the liability of losing the mother during birth. Despite all of this, my siblings and I are here today and my mother is still healthy and living for God.

[ KIND OF

As a kid, I never realized how much my mom’s physical disability and my father’s mental problems affected me. My Dad was always a very emotionally passionate man. He would regularly get into yelling matches with my mom and would physically abuse her and us. I remember always being in a state of constant fear and anxiety, running and hiding under my bed to get away from it all. My childhood was extremely lonely and unstable. I am a very affectionate person by nature. I love to give and receive hugs, and to snuggle up with people when we watch TV, but my childhood was lacking in these kinds of affectionate contacts. Because of my mom’s physical limitations and my father’s emotional instability, I was starved for physical contact. My mom could not and my Dad would not offer it. My same-sex attraction began very early. I remember being about nine or ten and longing to be close with other boys—to fit in and be one of the guys—but I never did. As you can imagine, physicality was not necessarily valued in my family and so I was always the fat kid of my friend group. Rather than going out for sports, I would stay home and bake. My family was vocally “anti-gay”, with my parents (who hardly agreed on anything) violently and openly disgusted with the homosexual community. This left me feeling like the only thing my parents were united on was their hatred of me. As you could guess, I kept this struggle completely to myself. Surprisingly, despite the same-sex attraction, I ended up getting married. While attending university, I obtained a job as a secretary at an on campus ministry where my wife served as a missionary. I fell in love with the compassion and mercy that she had for other people. I watched as she befriended several of the openly gay students, many of them coming to faith through her outreach. We worked together for a year and I knew this was the kind of person

[

I kissed a boy and I liked it...

that I wanted to link myself with for the rest of my life. Before we got engaged, I told her about my same-sex attraction. Once again, her compassion and mercy overflowed, yet I was still torn up about my struggle. Throughout our marrage, I tried to “pray away the gay” and hated myself for dealing with these feelings. It was on our fifth anniversary that I finally accepted that this was part of who I was and I needed to learn to deal with it rather than running from it. Although I made that commitment, I did nothing to follow through with it. I continued to struggle, always longing to enter into a physical relationship with another man, but too afraid to. It was this past November that those fantasies became a reality. One Sunday afternoon after church, a good friend of my wife and mine came over for lunch. After eating, we all sat down and began a movie. My wife forgot that she was going to call her cousin, so she left the room. Snuggled up with my friend, we continued to watch the movie. I felt that something was not right, but I did not move. He kissed me on the head and I knew we had crossed a line and I should have stopped it. But at the same time this is what I had been longing for. I turned my face toward him and we began to kiss. Praise the lord, we both pulled away and asked, “What are we doing?” We got on our knees and prayed together for forgiveness and guidance about our friendship. He ended up leaving and when my wife got off the phone, I immediately told her what happened. Her reaction was phenominal. Yes, she was hurt, but more than that she was worried about me, about my emotional state and the fact that I would be responsible to God for my choices. It was in the wake of this event that I found Living Hope. For several weeks following “the kiss,” I engaged in a time of deep soul-searching and intense meditation and prayer. The sin that had been in my head came into the real world, which frightened me, but more

so it raised all sorts of questions in my mind. Why am I married? Should I stay married? Will I ever be happy and fulfilled outside of the homosexual community? Am I missing out on something that would change my life for the better? As these questions swirled in my mind, I became more and more angry at God. One day in December during a Sunday morning church service, I became distracted from the message and simply began to talk with God. I told him that I

I had no idea how that short prayer would change my life. did not believe that he was a good Father. In fact, he was a jerk for not stopping all of the events that fostered my samesex attraction. How could I ever trust a God like that? Right in the middle of the service, I began to search my bible, feverishly looking for anything that would fill the hollow depths that I felt inside. The Spirit lead me to Malachi. As I read this short prophetic book, I stopped in my tracks when I came to chapter three, verse ten: “‘Test me in this,’ says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.” I prayed a short, but heart-felt prayer in that moment—“Lord, I am going to do this. I am going to test you. If I really give up this sexual sin, I need you to meet all of my needs: physical, emotional, sexual… the whole thing.” I had no idea how that short prayer would change my life. After hearing about Living Hope through a bible study leader, I decided that exposing this sin and seeking help would be the only way that I could get out of the ever worsening cycle in which I found myself. As I filled out the “contact us” form on the Living Hope web site, I felt like I was going to vomit. I could not do it. This Living Hope place was probably like all those other Christian organizations. They were just going to tell me that I was not praying hard enough, or that I was different than other people for dealing with such a bad sin. I closed the browser window. I opened it back

up. I closed it again. I was in turmoil. I finally raced through a message and sent it. The sin was out of the bag so to speak. Ricky and Sam quickly contacted me and were so compassionate and kind. They directed me towards Ricky’s video on the origins of male same-sex attraction and I was shocked at how much I identified with the presentation. As soon as the weekly meetings began again in January, I was determined to go. I did not know what to expect for my first meeting with Ricky. Were we going to sit around and talk about Jesus and simultaneously talk about having sex with guys—a combination very common at Living Hope, but one foreign to me up to that point? After taking a seat in Ricky’s “red chair,” he blankly asked me, “Why are you here?” I did not know what to say. In my mind I was thinking, “Well, I am sexually attracted to men and the Bible says that’s a no no, so…… you do the math.” But the truth of the matter was I did not know why I was there. I did not know what I expected to happen at Living Hope. All I knew was I needed SOMETHING to happen in my life. His next question was just as sharp as the first: “Why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring?” The truth was I lost it at my sister’s house after making arancini, but that was months before. I simply had not replaced it. But to be honest, I did not feel a need to replace it based on all the questions I had. I began to pour out all of my disgusting secrets to Ricky. He simply told me that I was not alone. Countless men sat right where I was and told him the same things, yet there was hope for getting out of the cycle. After that day, I began attending the weekly meetings and learning how to confront this sin without backing down. I was able to talk to men who spent over twenty years in the gay community and learn that I would never find there the fulfillment that I desired. All of the little lessons I learned in those first few weeks came to a head at the spring retreat. The first big revelation that I had has to do with why God would make homosexuality a sin. Living Hope had begun to show me how God was indeed a good Father, but then why would he deny me something that seems so natural. I shared this question on the first night of the retreat and I shrugged it off saying, “well, I guess God is probably just trying to protect

me.” My group leader suggested that it was probably not just protection, but that He actually had something better for my life. This seemed like the typical church answer so I thought to myself, “I guess heterosexual relationships are the better thing” and I just moved on. While taking communion the next evening, I realized that the “better thing” that God had for me was not heterosexuality. Rather, he desires for me to have LIFE— the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control that comes through being made alive in Christ. The Spirit cannot dwell in sin, and He cannot be in my life if I act on my homosexual desires. This was a huge paradigm shift for me because it supplied the “why” for my struggle. It is so much more than just, “because the Bible says so.” That kind of logic is unfulfilling and cannot motivate true repentance. The second big lesson that I learned was much like the first. I wanted to know why homosexual marriage was not permitted by scripture. I know what the bible says about marriage, but because of my personality I cannot accept any idea at face value. God is a logical god and consequently there must be a reason for marriage being a union of one man and one woman more than, “Well, the bible says so.” I had always been told that marriage was supposed to reflect Christ’s relationship to the Church. However, I had never heard a good explanation of what that actually means. Throughout the retreat, God kept supplying me with bits and pieces of this matrimonial puzzle. I realized that the reality of marriage is actually grounded in the nature of the trinity and gender identity. From D’Ann’s teaching on femininity, I gleaned the way that scripture describes the Spirit as feminine. I have always seen how scripture describes the Father as masculine. And then it hit me. Christ is the unification of these two identities, being both feminine and masculine in many ways. A heterosexual marriage has the potential to act out this synthesis, the syncratization of the masculine and feminine. A homosexual union is by nature out of balance and cannot produce the fruit of the Spirit. There was only one hitch in my theory, wouldn’t that put married people

continued on page 38

Christ, My Living Hope (cont. from page 31)

My life quickly became an intentional effort to show the parties involved that they should not have dismissed me from my position. I began performing countless hours of community service and taking campus leadership positions for no other reason than the affection and affirmation of others. I labored relentlessly and spitefully only to prove a futile point. Incidentally, all of these efforts built a gleaming résumé, which I used to land a job in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex. For eight months following the move, I continued stumbling around in the far country, even putting my career at risk by fostering emotionally dependent relationships with men at work. Suddenly, after New Year’s 2016, the Holy Spirit began to convict me. I had never felt more alone or more unknown. I was trapped between the man I wanted to be—a straight, promiscuous, party guy—and the man I really was. I began to realize how vainly I’d been living my life. God would never provide me with that ridiculous lifestyle, and He wouldn’t bless the life of sinfulness and secrecy that I’d been living. In February 2016, I found myself reaching out to Living Hope Ministries once again. Upon returning, it took my heart time to believe that I could receive any real healing, but I prayed constantly. God radically changed my heart as I attended group regularly, received advice on navigating relationships at work, battled temptation, set boundaries, and found community and accountability. While all of this was important, the most significant thing I learned was to receive the immense love that our Lord had for me. Shortly after, Jesus provided me with a wonderful church and a brotherhood of men through the small group I joined. A few weeks after attending the small group, I shared my struggle with them and they prayed that night that they would walk with me toward Christ, sanctification, and purity. From the second I met them, they were welcoming, understanding, and supportive. In finding accountable Christian community, I learned how

to handle stress by leaning on my relationship with Christ. Now, when I’m depressed, I look for joy in glorifying God. It is impossible for me to feel alone when I am surrounded by people who love me and know about my struggle. I now have significant sobriety from both pornography and acting out with men. Because of my community, Living Hope, and God’s grace, my attractions toward men have changed. Though I still struggle with same-sex attraction, I am no longer inclined to view men as an object to consume. Instead, they’re all my brothers. Before this season in my life, I felt hopeless. I didn’t allow Jesus to help me or believe that He would. Not only has He rescued me, but He has set me free of the shame and loneliness I once felt. Christ is my living hope. He fashioned my life into a testimony that brings hope to people who feel that their sin is too dark, too weird, too secret, or too broken. He has provided a wonderful community of His people with whom I can grow and mature. I am so grateful that He was faithful to lead me—even when I was blind in my sin—to one of the few ministries that help strugglers with same-sex attraction find healing by living for Him: Living Hope Ministries.

I Kissed a Boy... (cont. from page 37)

“above” single people as far as spiritual awareness and knowledge? This hypothesis did not appear to agree with Pauline teaching on singleness. Then I pulled on my knowledge of dramatic theory. Who learns more from a didactic drama, the people partaking in it or the people watching it? It is those who watch who see more fully, experience more completely. When we watch the union of man and woman, we see the mystery of the trinity acted out for us. Some of us act this out for others, while we simultaneously see it in the couples around us. It is the position of viewing

that is the most important if it is to serve a didactic function. So where do I go from here? Well, I can say that the fateful Sunday when I kissed my best friend was the start of the most amazing journey of my life. It was because of that kiss that I decided to finally get help. To cast light on a sin that had festered in the dark for too long. To reach out to a body of sympathetic believers who could point me to Christ while keeping me accountable. I now share a deep intimacy with my wife that I would have only dreamed of in the past and I am able to lead her as God intends, turning to Him for guidance. He has given me a security in my masculinity that enables me to be the man he has always intended me to be. Every day is a struggle, but thanks to the guidance of the brothers and sisters at Living Hope I can now say that I know God is a very good Father and that he has huge plans for my life.

True Freedom (cont. from page 13) What I needed more than freedom from homosexuality, freedom from porn, freedom from bitterness, anxiety, or even from pride, was the freedom to be in the presence of God while struggling with homosexuality, porn, bitterness, anxiety, and pride. Only by inviting Him into the fight could I see Him heal me in a way that I could never heal myself. Luke 5:32 says, “I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.” I thank God that because of my struggle I know I am a sinner and need to repent. Sometimes God intentionally gives us a cross that is too heavy to carry so that in humility we have no choice but to cry out for help. Then because of Christ’s blood, He responds with his presence to lighten the burden and to wash the mess off our feet so that we can continue to walk with Him.

Relentless Pursuit (cont. from page 35) eventually confessed the fullness of my past to D’Ann and then the women at group. I sought their forgiveness for my deception and control of their opinion of me. Sweeter than their approval, I was met with their grace. More than that were the reminders that my identity wasn’t wrapped up in my past or who I was attracted to. My brokenness wasn’t so powerful as to overwrite the truth of who my creator designed and named me to be. The chains began to fall off and I was free to struggle with sin, to wrestle and do battle with the Lord.

isn’t my story. I couldn’t have dreamed of or written this tale, but we have a good Father who writes good stories.

THIS ISN’T MY STORY. I COULDN’T HAVE DREAMED OF OR WRITTEN THIS TALE, BUT WE HAVE A GOOD FATHER WHO WRITES GOOD STORIES. There was once a time in my life when no one knew the real me, only the image I’d created for them. Today, because of the Lord’s pursuit of me through the ministry of Living Hope and the prayers of many who love me, I am free to tell of His goodness. I’m free to confess I still struggle with lust or wanting to find identity through others or what I do. I’m still tempted to withdraw, isolate, and self-protect. Yet, these struggles are no longer all-consuming. They aren’t my identity; they aren’t where my hope lies. I can have hope in God because He is faithful and He made a way for me at the cross. I have a Savior who has suffered much more than I and He can identify with me in my suffering and temptations, always faithful to provide a way out. He invites me to Him where I can find mercy, grace, and help.

As I addressed the abuse, the lies of being identity-less, and the effects of my choices, I began to feel the old anger well up in me again. I would come to group reluctant, arms crossed, hat pulled down over my head. My roommate would text D’Ann to be sure I actually came. D’Ann would text me if I was late, making sure I was still coming. These people wanted my healing and freedom more than I did. Each week I was told to invite the Lord in, to talk to him and recognize his presence with me. Hesitantly, I did and I began to soften.

THE CHAINS BEGAN TO FALL OFF AND I WAS FREE TO STRUGGLE WITH SIN, TO WRESTLE AND DO BATTLE WITH THE LORD.

Church Pews & Bar Stools (cont. from page 37)

I began reading the word daily again, but not just as a task of righteousness in order to be counted as good before the eyes of the Lord and others. It was a lifeline—the promises of the Lord became beautiful to me. For the first time, I believed they actually applied to my life! I had been miserable; living for myself had only disappointed me. My prayers began to shift. I was no longer telling God how angry I was, accusing him of injustices and delighting in my pain. I began to ask him who He was, where He was, and who I was. Reading through the Old Testament, I saw how lovingly He pursued His people, how He longed for them to turn to Him, how He loved me and wanted me to turn toward Him. I saw how He would allow Israel to run after idols, yet make provision for them if they would simply humble themselves and return to Him. I saw how He had allowed me to run after various idols, yet made provision for me in Christ if I would simply turn to him. He desired me.

The ministry is very supportive of finding additional resources and makes it very clear that this is going to be a lifelong battle that requires constant vigilance. The ministry also does not expect to be a substitute for a permanent Church home and encourages involvement with other congregations of believers. I’m not where I want to be, but praise God I’m not where I used to be. The route I’ve taken through life has had a lot of detours, and despite the struggles I wouldn’t change my life for anything because I know it was planned out for me before I was conceived. “..just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world.” Ephesians 1:4 There have been many times in my life when things didn’t go the way I wanted them to for whatever reason, and in time I understood why. If I had run from my problems, I might not have found LHM and would not be where I am today. Running away from my former self and trying to start over was not the solution. Instead, I needed to tackle this issue head on and with the help of LHM I’ve been able to do so. In my suffering, God drew me closer.

I saw how I was fully loved. I could be me, could be fully known—even in my brokenness—by the men and women in my church and still be loved. Over the last several years, I have let my community in to my struggles and they have walked with me as I’ve moved out of shame and torn down self-preserving walls. I have found it so much better to confess temptation rather than have continual falls with sin. Today I don’t just want to be free from same-sex attraction, the pain from my past, or my idolatry; rather, I want to walk faithfully with my Creator.

Everyone has an issue of some sort that they struggle with — greed, overeating, gossip, promiscuity, anger, control — and I’ve learned that my same-sex attraction struggle is no better or worse than anyone else’s. I still have ups and downs and I still stumble occasionally, but I have an awesome support system that reminds me that I’m still loved even when I’m not perfect. I don’t know God’s plan for my life, but I know He has one and I am anxious to follow His lead and am looking forward to using my experiences to help others that are on this same journey. “God comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV

Living Hope hasn’t just been a source of restoration for me alone. My family has changed because of this community as well. When I came to Living Hope, my sister was in a long term relationship with a woman. The women of this ministry prayed with me for her freedom. Two years ago my phone rang and I received the phone call we had been praying for—they had broken up and my sister wanted out of the lesbian lifestyle. Since that time, she’s come to banquets and retreats and today we talk freely about our childhood and our hope for Christ to change our family. This